I feel SO SEEN AND UNDERSTOOD! I am keeping this video to share with future romantic partners because you do a much better job than I would. :) Thank you!
@@Mo.1988 I have been, but this is so concise and to the point. This is faster than me trying to explain it over the course of an hour or more. I can always elaborate if they have questions.
Amazingly spot-on as always. I'd also add a *huge* one for me as an FA, which is the knowledge that the person is with me because they want to be with *me* personally, not because they want to be with A partner and "I'll do." In other words, I need to know that they chose (and continue to choose) to be with me because they developed feelings for me as a specific person, not because they were looking for someone to fill a role. I NEVER, EVER get involved with someone just for the sake of being with someone and not being alone, so it's extremely important to me to know that goes both ways. I kind of feel like if I can trust and believe that, then I can be pretty flexible otherwise, and a lot of other things will just naturally fall into place.
Honestly this helped me realise so much about myself and my partner, we both tested as fearful avoidants. Thank you for sharing, it's helping other people also understand their feelings 🥹 I hope you're able to find/are in a relationship that fulfills you in the way you seek
Also, if we're upset about something and keep bringing up an issue, don't ignore it. Be the bigger person and talk about WHY an FA keeps circling back to something they think needs to change. What we're really saying is that this is something that needs to change or I'm walking away. It doesn't have to be my way, but it can't stay like this. Compromising is important in relationships.
Okay, but let that change take place. I find more often than not that FAs verbalize an issue and I work to change it, but they won't let me and simultaneously won't change their own behavior so the relationship can actually grow. They say something needs to change but actively stifle the progress. With how much y'all drive things into the ground, it makes the rest of us not even want to try.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I’m an FA and I find myself doing this a lot (asking for change, and if it hasn’t happened within a day, I am extremely frustrated and upset). I’ve been trying to work to overcome this but it’s been hard. I’d like to understand more, when you say “let that change take place”, do you mean leave enough time for it to slowly happen? Or leave enough leeway for the thing to happen again at times, but to not get upset about it and still be patient? When you say “drive things into the ground”, do you mean how FA’s can be adamant that something change or be a certain way? What would you advise that we do that would make this process of change more comfortable for people like you who are doing your best? I would like to learn and become better. :)
@@meowglab7702 Yes, it's definitely a combination of both. I think it's a matter of communicating and agreeing on an appropriate timeline, but allowing each other to be imperfect. Lasting change takes time to implement, and people will revert, but if you can still see measurable progress being made, that's what's important. I find that one of the most effective ways to completely freak an FA out is to actually take them into consideration and take what they say seriously enough to make changes. They can't handle it and ruin relationships over it. So what I mean by both phrases is primarily to allow the change to actually take place and not to sabotage it. But to fine-tune it further, I would also add what you did, driven by the understanding that a relationship is a combination of timelines. Change is not going to happen overnight, and it may not even happen quickly, but it will happen if the other person values you and wants you to be safe and comfortable with them.
My experience as a secure with an ex-FA is that she was not capable of giving most of these things most of the time. Awful experience. Multiple people concluded she was a narcissist.
@@sethtenrecthat’s exactly my point. I’m a secure that had a secure-secure marriage for years (I’m widowed). In that marriage we were interdependent and gave each other these things to each other. That’s what a healthy relationship is. Plus a bunch of other things that are normal and healthy. An FA cannot give this, thus they are incapable of having a healthy relationship. It’s too one-sided take, not capable of the healthy give.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Unless they are healing, you are completely correct, and even more so, because they aren’t capable of healthily receiving these things either. It isn’t “just take”. Also, being married for a long time does not mean you have secure attachment, necessarily. And many avoidant people are blinded by their wounds, overrating their attachment security.
The novelty and safety connection makes so much sense. I want to try new things without being afraid that I will be emotionally punished for doing it or come back and find that safety/security gone (in my head: as a consequence). I'll never forget my dad calling me weird (as an insult) when I tried things he would never. That feeling hits the core.
My mom used to make me feel guilty when I would do sleep overs as a kid. When I became an adult, she would guilt trip me for wanting to travel and move to different places.
This is dead on. I would like to clarify though that asking FAs questions doesn’t mean interrogating them about all of their life experiences especially when you are just getting to know each other. That is likely to feel really overwhelming, draining, and violating to a FA. I dated someone like this who appeared to be AP. It felt like she was trying to pull information out of me in a very inorganic way and it didn’t make me feel closer to her. It just made me feel like we knew a lot of personal stuff about each other before we organically developed intimacy, which just feels uncomfortable and awkward. Ask questions that are thoughtful and relevant to the situations you find yourselves in together, and be respectful when someone indicates a boundary.
This really helps me understand the women I’m with. It’s been a rollercoaster of trying to get a grip on how she works haha. I implemented all of these aspects and I feel like she’s starting to really accept me and we’re growing really close (slowly). The main thing I learnt is do NOT pressure them. Be centered in yourself and remain strong and stable and let them be. Thank you for the advice 🙏🏻
@@SunsetCliffssurfers So since I posted we’re not together anymore. From what you’re describing here, my situation was very similar. You need to research narcissistic traits are because from what I’m seeing here it seems she may have narcissistic or toxic traits. Blocking is toxic way of someone punishing you and that’s not cool. When you start becoming someone you don’t like or stressed all the time because of a relationship it’s time to walk away. You reached out to your ex when you were broken up; you do NOT need to apologise. You were a FREE man. She is upset because she lost control of you and she KNOWS that blocking you will increase fear and anxiety. Leaving the note on the car wasn’t a great thing to do because it shows you’re not in control. I KNOW it’s hard to walk away and you think about them non stop. But parent yourself and WRITE DOWN what this person did that was not making you happy. There’s two scenarios here: 1. She’s a narcissist and wants to control you and narcissists can’t love anyone. 2. She’s just not into you as much as you are into her (I know you don’t want to hear that) and she’s keeping you as a backup option or simply playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse. If there’s ANY chance of getting her back… walk away and do not contact her for any reason. BE in control… don’t just fake it. I know it’s hard but take back control, be a man, and hook up with some other girls. I guarantee at some point she’ll come back.. but by then you’ll have moved on anyway. DO NOT CHASE HER IN PERSON, IT’S STALKERISH AND WILL NOT HELP. You are maybe trauma bonded. Hope that helps. 🤙🏻
@@MattCassCooki realize that my ex is not unique in the sense that you and @Graforma has an ex that has similar tendencies even though the my breakup was 3months ago and was mainly due to my anxiety of us going long distance as shes in Japan im in America ive slowly moved on I have done everything i could to keep her one thing i wont do is sleep around before my ex ive had a couple partners but ive honestly grown up not caring about sex it's amazing dont get me wrong but being anemic actually causes more problems for me individually and its honestly bad for me if its too much... But wishing you the best to find the one bro im sure your an amazing dude who did your best for her. Sad to hear it didnt work out but we deserve to be with whom we want to be goodluck bro!!
@@SunsetCliffssurfersrespectfully interjecting here…. As an FA, I would think she feels betrayed and unsafe because of what happened while you were broken up. Even if you technically didn’t break any agreements, she doesn’t trust your underlying intentions regarding your ex. Her blocking you is likely a way of self-preservation. FAs, like all avoidants, self-soothe when in distress. She is probably trying to regulate her own emotional volatility right now so that she can stay above water and breathe. I would be very careful NOT to jump to the conclusion that she is playing games or acting out narcissistic traits.
This is all facts. I've been telling my fiancé this the entire time we've been together. I learned a long time ago that u can't expect ppl to kno your needs if u don't let your needs be known so i communicate what I'm feeling, thinking, & what i need regularly, waaaaaaaay before i get mad about not having my needs met. The less 2 ppl have to play the guessing game, the better chance the relationship has of working.
The need for growth and growing together with another person in a relationship also comes down to knowing that I deeply know and understand the other person as much as they know and understand me, therein lies the safety and security in that relationship
Here is my advice: Don't date them at all. If we cause people pain just to be with us in a relationship, we are the problem. My advice to anyone men or women with past trauma and tons of baggage - get a therapist, face your demons, learn the skills you are missing in order to be in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship; and, find peace. And don't date until you are healed because no one is worth putting someone through pain just to be with them. Or, if you are already in a relationship - boy oh boy to realize you have caused someone lots of pain just to be with you - only two things are going to happen: (1) You'll run from the one on who loves you and cause more pain while putting it all on the one who loves you because of cowardice. Or (2) face the truth, ask for forgiveness, and now, it's time to undo the damage and reciprocate. Most of the time, 70% will choose option 1. And trust me when I say this, I am a counselor and this is what I see all the time. My advice for everyone - if your past wasn't the greatest, get a therapist and go to work before more people you love gets destroyed especially your own children.
FA here, not dating and in therapy! I was in a 4.5 year relationship with another FA. I left him because he couldn’t say he wanted a future with me. After the breakup, I got right in therapy and been going for 1.5 years. He jumped into a new relationship within a month. Grateful for my journey of healing!
I learned with years how so many people I met weren’t liars they just said a lie..which made a huge difference sometimes I would notice how fragile my trust is…it’s super difficult for anyone to be honest 100% all the time and never ever make a mistake…and never ever say the wrong thing or look at me with an empty look..it’s crucial for FAs to know a flaw in a relationship doesn’t mean the relationship has failed
Just got dumped by an FA (although just found out recently all the attachment styles) he said he fell out of love but cant even explain how, why or when. No explanation. I stayed with him for 3.5years and it always feels like you are in a “trial and error” phase. Always tip toing around them. Felt like they want you to perform in a way that’s acceptable to their standards but never really telling you what are those. like im the only one trying to prove my worth while he on the other hand expected me accept him as is or he’ll leave. It felt so unfair the whole time. While his needs were mostly met, mine wasn’t. Not even close. But I stayed cause I love him and care for him. Two weeks after the break up I discovered attachement styles and evertyhing makes sense. The problem is, do your work too! Dont expect everyone to just adjust to your wims. We all have childhood traumas to some degree afterall. I initially want to get back with him, hence the research. Now that I know, lol what can you even bring to the table? Will never come back nor want to. I never feel so free until now.
This...word for word so accurate. For me, as an FA, right now trust and safety is soooo important and is the driving force of me choosing who's for me and who's not. I didn't recognize that safety was important at first until after separation. Now if I don't see these two in someone, I'm no longer hesitant to cut you off. Life is already too hard and my relationship doesn't need to match that. It's exhausting
I really took a lot from this,your videos has so helped me be so understanding to my partner,I struggled to start with as I was just constantly feeling I couldn't understand, then she told me and then I watch your videos all the time how I can be the best for her while understanding that certain things she does is no attack on me but just her attachment.
Thing that triggers my avoidance: Me (on a 4 hour phone call): “I have class tomorrow morning-“ Them: “awwwwwwwww don’t go yet!” Me: “I really need to sleep, I’m really so tired I haven’t slept very much (2 hours last night)-“ Them: “alright fine… I just miss you so much!” Me: “how about we call the whole day Thursday!!” Them: “yay!!!!” (I will completely ghost you after realizing I won’t be able to handle my exam without sleeping, but I’ll be too afraid not to “make it up to you”) This to me is “I’m not considering that you have needs and you’ll have to fight for them at the risk of disappointing me or making me mad at you, which could lead to abandonment or betrayal” The thing that builds trust for me: Them: “hey it’s getting late, don’t you have class in the morning?” Me: “ah yeah, 6 am” Them: “I’ll let you go, text me and let me know how your midterms go.” Me: “I will thank you! Goodnight” Like, I know it’s not your job to remember my needs all the time, but I would hope as my friend you can understand that I will not put my needs before your wants, and I won’t fight very hard before giving in. The running afterward is “I can’t meet my needs and stay in contact”. Also when you set boundaries with me, I feel more safe to have them too. Please tell me “I’m winding down for tonight, how about another time?”. That makes me feel like you aren’t giving up your needs to connect with me- so I won’t have to either. Please watch for my needs. I will overextend myself because I think I’m indebted to you.
This comment answered a lot of questions. This part in particular is bit of a revelation: This to me is "I'm not considering that you have needs and you'll have to fight for them at the risk of disappointing me or making me mad at you, which could lead to abandonment or betrayal"
I am hurt that I fell for and loved an FA. She hurt me so much and she doesn’t understand her hurtful actions. Why must an FA put so much of their burden of their happiness on their partner?
For the past five months until now I have been in dealing with my ex who has a fearful avoidance attachment style. We have been in a relationship for almost 5 years and we have a misunderstanding that results to our breaking up. Our relationship has been inconsistent, with moments of progress followed by periods of distance and uncertainty. Despite still having strong feelings for her, I find it difficult to reconcile and move forward when I am the only one putting in effort.
WOW, never felt so seen, all these things really explain what I want in a relationship. I didn't even realize I was an FA and really watching your videos has given me so much more clarity on the specific things I want and it's better explained. As someone who is with a DA, it's extremely hard to find a common ground sometimes and it's because I havent been able to establish boundaries or express my needs in a way that they dont feel attacked.
Great explanation. I have been so-o-o calm, reliable, grateful, but when he withdraws with no explanation or warning, I get angry and I tell him I don’t want to see him, not with anger but with calmness. He will slowly reestablish contact and say he would like to talk. I listened to what he had to say, and then I gently asked, am I to go on believing that you love me when you are sending all kinds of signals that you don’t? Well, he got it, and we’re seeing each other again.
I am 35% fearful avoidant and the rest dismissive. This video made me understand why my fearful avoidance tendencies are so strong in my current relationship and it's because almost none of these needs of mine get met even when I express them well. That's an eye opener especially considering I spend the majority blaming myself for the problems in my 10 year relationship.
You sound like me. It’s hard enough to communicate at times and when I do communicate my needs they often go unheard. I’m now at a point I just leave but it feels so foreign I end up blaming myself for leaving. But before I stuck around and didn’t choose myself if that makes sense. Sigh, guess I’m trying to find balance.
What's funny is when i started to delve into attachment style theory it was an avoidant that purs the search. I wanted to understand him. I then i realized he is me! Lol😂 i through trying to understand him i found myself! I was like that's why we're having this issue, we both tripping lol😂
Yep, just blocked my ex for leaving me on read yet again for a 5 days meanwhile he’s on IG posting about his business and on WhatsApp at night talking to who knows. Says he wants to be friends + but I refuse to continue being disregarded especially when I went out of my way to buy him a birthday present last week. Kick rocks.. guess I’m in flight mode. But I communicated multiple times that ignoring me for days is a deal breaker, he couldn’t respect that so I’m done!
This has also really helped to explain why I’ve struggled so much with friends who cancel plans without much consideration for my feelings. It’s really affected how I feel about our friendship and now I see why it’s so important to me. It makes me feel not cared about when someone drops me at the last minute without acknowledging how that affects me and now I feel much less inclined to make plans with them or share how I feel because the trust has been broken.
this. i love my FA dearly, and understanding is easy when you truly care for someone with all of your heart. in turn, i feel very loved and wanted by her. there is no barrier that love cannot break through. cheesey sounding, sure. true, though.
Amazing video Thais! I resonate a lot with this. Can you maybe make a video for FAs regarding why we keep going for people who trigger not making us feel seen, appreciated, emotionally connected, and how we can change this pattern?
Acknowledging it is always the first step. From my understanding we’re trying to get the validation from them that we didn’t get from our parents & we have to give this to ourselves. Good luck
it's a subconscious comfort zone because it's familiar to what you experienced in your formative years. So the subconscious mind is always trying to keep us safe and familiarity=predictability=safety. If you want to attract new partners you have to reprogram your core wounds and create a new subconscious comfort zone and give yourself the things you weren't given in childhood. See yourself, appreciate yourself, and emotionally connect to yourself. When you give those things to yourself it's called subconscious priming. We cannot receive from another what we cannot give to ourselves.
Great video! 5:30 so true for me as an FA! 6:23 isn't trust built on congruency for everyone? 13:00 is more of a female trait Most points in video are important for any relationship.
Try being married to an FA who is also an alcoholic. Now high functioning, “almost” sober alcoholic FA but it’s a double whammy. It’s a very complicated dynamic to navigate and it’s like just chill, I love you, I’m not going anywhere. I never know what he wants or when the bottom is going to drop out. Then the cycle of building up his confidence and security starts all over again.
I recently found out about attachment styles and both my partner and I tested as fearful avoidant 💀 it makes so much sense from our childhoods and the way we are, it's really opened our eyes. Here to try improving ourselves now 😂👌
What does it mean when an FA doesn’t open up to you ever? And, they lie constantly & become domineering? Too broken for an actual relationship… right?😢
There is something that I don't understand. I have a FA attachment style and I do have all these needs. I would not settle and definitely not stay for long in a relationship that lacks one or several of these. This is why sometimes is hard to find all of them in a relationship, so I completely relate to all that Thais says, but in the same time I wonder: aren't all these needs healthy? Connection, depth, being there for eachother, while also being independent and not having co-dependency, relying on the other, etc. I feel like the way she describes FA's is like we are very conscious people and we do not put up with shit and we are also intense, people who ask a lot, but I guess that we also give a lot. Yep: avoid me in a constant way (only a few times is enough) don't care for me and I will be out the door before you can even realize what happened. I normally did explain, but I used to grow cold really fast. I hope I am more secure now and observe myself if these mechanism appear again. Maybe the unhealthy thing is exactly this - how I did not even wait - the minute I sensed something was off I was ready to go, or at least this is how I operated until now and I know that it was a defense mechanism. Writing this, in a way I am beginning to answer my own question - maybe the problem resides in the fact that I have all these needs and I was also really intense about them, like I needed them to happen in the same time and almost none of them had to be missing in order for me to feel well and safe in the relationship and want to stay. I think that safety is actually the core need here and a lot of these needs have to do with safety, or fall into the "feeling safe" category: I feel safe if I am heard, if you are reliable and constant, if we have a deep connection, if I can be myself and be able not to be there for you from time to time just minding my own thing and I can still be sure you will continue to love, care and appreciate me and that you can fend for yourself whenever I am not available (because I have my own issues to solve or need to just do my thing and I do not have to feel guilty about it). I/We do need very emotionally mature, stable persons around us and especially in close relationships. I think there are some deep wounds there. But anyway, all these needs I guess they are healthy and they are what makes a mature relationship in a way, but maybe the intensity of needing all of them, all the time is the problem. Maybe I can just cut the other a slack from time to time in the future. Laugh a little about this and relax. Nobody can be so perfect all the time and they also shouldn't. I think it is exhausting for me (it is being continously under alert in a way) and it could also be for the other (depending on how relaxed or secure the other is.) I think that as I heal and become more mature all these needs will be there, but without so much intensity, not so "I lack air if I don't have them" sort of thing. Since I know I can also self-sooth and meet my own needs and do not need to take it to the extreme or so personally whenever the other is not so perfect and fails to meet a need exactly how I want it and at the moment I want it. This does not mean they are going to abuse me or that they do not love me anymore, or that basically I am not safe. I mean somebody who generally cares for me, with whom I share emotional depth etc, but who's just a human. I guess that all these needs meeting cannot be there at a high level all the time. A mature person, especially if I am self-aware and if I communicate this, may try to meet them, but anyhow... I mean I feel like, at least in my case, I can just sometimes take distance and understand that if the other cannot (and nobody should) meet all the time my exact needs, it is ok, it is not about me, I can still feel safe as long as the relationship overall is healthy, of course and it's satisfactory in general. Well, actually as one grows more secure and heals, everything becomes more pacific and the sense of urgency dissappears and the interpretation of things becomes more objective (like - if my partner has a bad day and does not want connection, that does not mean there is something wrong with us and I can respect it without freaking out). This is my contribution to Thais' words, written from my personal experience and understanding. It may be relatable to more people.
As a codependent who seems to regularly run into FAs and narcissists...it is that feeling that *you're always looking at the door just in case* that exacerbates our insecurities. All of the described needs sound good on paper, but when you're seeking that emotional validation it gets internalized as self-centered and cruel. Especially if we pick up that you're hesitating to leave, it creates a feeling of imbalance in the relationship where we think we need to cater to your needs but fear you won't think of ours. We need to see that you'll work on keeping our trust for it to work
Thank you for making this video. I recently discovered I’m a FA. I’ve been diagnosed with so many wrong stuff and I think this is finally the answer I’ve been looking for
Thanks, Thais. Your depth of knowledge is amazing, thanks for sharing all of this with us. Are FA & FA doomed? Especially if they don't understand this stuff? I just split up with somebody who we had an amazing connection? We had a misunderstanding over something nice (one person saying 'I love you' on Valentine's Day, the other not returning it), then the person who said it pulled away in silence for a couple of days, then the other person just finished the relationship out of the blue. The connection was so amazing, it's very difficult to come to terms with
Similar thing happened to me...suddenly my FA partner stopped expressing love.. no I love you, no i miss you, no good morning or good night...even a simple 'take care' message was a lot for them.. it killed me every single day..back then I had no idea about attachment styles..me being a secure individual, kept asking what went wrong..? Because to me communication was the key...but in the end I lost..they were adamant about leaving me because they had no feelings left for me.. 1.5 yrs with an FA...drove me to bit towards anxious type... healing now..
This all sounds good, to bad my FA ex was consistently inconsistent and pushed me slightly anxious and devalued. They need to learn you get what you give! If I mirrored his BS he’d just shut down hard and be less communicative. If he actually had conversation with me, we’d both have had our needs met. Instead he decided to flee. I take it as if the house was on fire, I’d have to fend for myself while he’d just jump out the window.
Nice video. Strange thing though from many videos on FA is focus on what they need from a partner. I have being in such relationship but such asymetry is not sustainable for long term relationship. They really need to work om themselves.
Yes, FAs can be so judgemental of their partners. It feels like they are just looking for a list of excuses to dump you at the time of their choosing. But as their partner, you have to accept everything about them, or else they will also dump you. Absolutely miserable. Never again!
This is so me 🤣 I thought I'm anxiously attached but this explains me spot on. Novelty and passion are the first things that attract me to a partner. Vulnerability too. I like partners who are attached to their emotions. I like deep conversations and new adventures. I just get anxious when my partner is inconsistent or when their words don't match their words but I'm very understanding when people need their space. I value independence and freedom so much. But not too much space like going weeks without speaking. A few days is fine. Otherwise this just described me on a 💯
In providing all of this to a partner in a relationship, you really should be in a position where you are also receiving it *back*. And I don't feel like FAs are capable of doing that. Relationship with them is so one-sided, with the secure person carrying so much. Navigating a minefield.😠 Constantly giving so much more than they're being offered in return. This huge imbalance of needs. It's unfair and ultimately unhealthy. Draining. Unfairly challenging. We deserve equal fulfillment of needs.
An idea (as an APA male who’s attracted to FA females): I want my partner to be as similar to me as possible. If they don’t think like me, I am not happy. I do not feel like they are my soulmate. I think more secure attachment styles are more flexible so they see compromise as just part of a healthy relationship but we see it as a mismatch or even sometimes as a betrayal. I know that sounds selfish, but it’s part of the deal. Imagine feeling so alone like nobody gets you, and you are reminded of that every time your partner disagrees with you. A possible solution: ask them WHY they prefer something. If they want to paint the house purple, use that as a jumping off point to talk about why they like purple houses. We find it VERY gratifying when people take curiosity in our interests. Good luck.
I used to be FA. Now i think that all of this stuff is just a bullshit really. As SA I can tell you that if you ARE FA then this video is good for inner work, but if you are the one who is trying to change FA by watching such videos - this means that you have some problems and should work on yourself instead. You dont want pain in your life, so you will be looking for a good partner and not the broken one. Let them learn themselves alone
This list is PERFECT. Honestly, even though I'm on my way to healing and "earned secure" attachment, I don't even want this list to be any different. It's a great list. I'd love to hear more about how our needs shift or remain the same as we heal our insecure attachment. It seems like there are some fundamental desires that may just be intrinsic? I don't want to dictate my needs based on a trauma response, but I can't see a thing wrong or unhealthy with anything on this list. This warrants more discussion, I think.
I honestly think the same as you. I’m also on my healing journey and I’m definitely more of a secure attachment style now and I wouldn’t change a thing on this list!😂
Hi, thanks for your insight. I was wondering whether your MBTI personality type is INFJ as well? And/ Whether you're an HSP as well? Wanting to connect on a deeper level (among many other traits) - could very well be an INFJ trait, HSP trait. Thoughts, anyone ?
💯 honestly believe we were meant to have different attachment styles we were aware not all men to be securly attached for whatever existential reason. But it's good to know how people vary.
This is AWESOME ❤❤❤ it’s pretty much exactly what I needed and it’s helped me identify what was present and absent in certain relationships that I’ve had as an FA. This is so helpful, thank you so much ☺️☺️☺️
I am FA but overcame long way when became Christian and builded relationship with God , also this videos helped me greatly ! I learned that what my partner can’t give me I can find in the love of God ❤ I am married with DA who as well is growing. I believe that FA and DA can be a strong couple. I see how much the differences can benefit what they truly need to become the best version for others and themselves.
In my experience, individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style seek what they are unable to provide. They occupy so much space within the relationship that it leaves little room for the other person.
I hate im FA and DA at the same time!!!!😫😫😫😫 I need help and feel so broken. My husband wants to separate and doesn't love me anymore because i neglected and even broke him with always being distant, mad about small and big things, withholding connection and now he is so shut off. I cant stand experiencing my anxiety, loss and feeling inadequate to meet all his needs for 13 years. My body is in distress, cant sleep, im so tempted to drink to numb myself. I also never felt he met my needs because he is so emotion driven as AP himself. I wanted support, consistency and intellectual growth as a couple. I wanted to be known deeply and him to desire to know me instead of just 'enjoy' me. It just makes me feel like its about him. He is a good guy as a person but u feel like net picking at him and i withdraw thinking he is not good for me to me. Im traped in my own gead with lies that seem real.
All this is just a bunch of jibber jabber, no actual examples of how to do any of this. You have to pay $65 a month to get an actual answer or example. Besides, you can't fix an FA, no matter how hard you try. Especially when they don't even think they have a problem! We should be teaching this stuff in High School so everyone can avoid ever getting married to crazy people like this.
But what about is the FA that cancel a trip???? She was very angry because I told her that I did not like that she, FA, cancelled trip together!! SHE was angry despite of the fact that SHE cancelled the trip!!
I've been spending time with a woman who says relationships terrify her. But I have said from the beginning let's just hangout and have fun. No relationship as a main goal whatsoever. She gets close and then freaks out and pulls away. Which is fine I give her her space
Thais!! this is SO interesting!! I am (sometimes) dating a fearful avoidant with CPTSD. I keep thinking I am starting to understand ...not even close.... I have learnt so much here...in my head at least... I love this woman so much but can really scare her and push her away unconsciously. Listening to you helps me sloooowww down a bit so that I can be more present for her but thank you so much for your work,,,
You know, who cares!? They sure don’t! Living with one now, 47 years, years of therapy counseling, nothing changes these people. No intimacy, never get any feelings of love from them. Stayed for the kids…what a fool I was. Run, run, run! Get out while you are still somewhat sane!
@@harry-james-books i don't consider the malignancy factor to be a small difference. Narcs know they are hurting you and enjoy it. FA's either wont realize it, or feel a lot of guilt if theyve hurt someone. they arent evil. unlike Narcs. but the "professionals" you mentioned dont like words like that.
@@mikeylikesit1195 You're arguing semantics, and you can't have it both ways: if an FA knows what they are doing to hurt someone and destroy their relationship, then they are a narcissist. If they know, but can't stop themselves hurting someone and destroying their relationship, they are insane. Either way, the only answer is walk away.
All of this information is just too much for me to consider & comprehend ; I like simplicity & my dog really appreciates me in a very comfortable fashion. Woof
A therapist who specializes in attachment theory told me that avoidant attachment, styles often test as secure. Something to do with not really seeing the issues that clearly. If you’ll pardon the pun, “avoiding the real answer”.
I think it’s all about how the emotional depth is expressed and conveyed. Very potent emotional expressions seem to frighten them. This can be really hard to deal with for someone more anxious who is more effusive in general. The key is to learn how to self regulate and have calm discussions. They aren’t allergic to feelings altogether and often feel deeply themselves.
I think I’m a FA I was in a foster home from the age of 3 and experienced very very little love and attention- I’m in a relationship later in my life as my husband died after 50 years of marriage. I want to learn more about this trait to help me in my present relationship- I listened to this podcast and realised I may be a fearful avoidant- I though I was an anxious attachment style - but this resonates with me - I would like to do more work on myself and wondered how much you charge I don’t don’t have a great deal of money but realised I do need to do work around this ? Christina
That bit about a baseline of trust is laughable. The FA I dated insisted on having a FWB while we dated. How on earth is that about building trust? She also didn't make any connection with this requirement and the huge uncertainty it triggered in me, which makes the "safety" aspect equally laughable. She's also shown zero inclination to actually explore her attachment style and how it influences her life, despite being the one who diagnosed her style, so I don't see "growth" as a big thing either. More complete denial in my experience.
Yes, mine was unapologetically best friends with his ex wife, went on vacation with her, lived one block away from her, had a room in her house, etc. and he would jump all over me for being jealous, untrusting and judgemental of his "most important relationship.". So, they really value trust, huh? To him, trust just meant that I would be cool with him having a constant emotional and maybe physical affair with his ex-wife and not complaining about it. This video makes it sound like FAs would be great partners, and maybe some of them are...
It seems like consistency and follow through would be a big trigger for anyone as well as consideration and trust no? Not arguing just genuine question
I lost my FA at the start of the power struggle stage because she felt unsafe. Unfortunately, not being able to move healthily into that stage made the relationship extinguish.
Thanks for another great video Thais..been watching a lot of them the last couple of weeks searching understanding....is a FA likely to start an argument out of nothing when things are going great, and end a short term relationship only a couple of days after declaring their feelings and how happy they were becoming ? It makes sense, but it doesn’t at the same time.
Quite possibly but also consider that from the FA’s perspective things might not actually be going great. They may be failing to articulate boundaries, expectations, and needs. So it’s possible the person they’re dating thinks things are great but the FA doesn’t. That’s why it’s important for FAs to learn to communicate their boundaries, expectations, and needs.
Omg this happened to me as well. I’m pretty straight forward but didn’t apply pressure. I just stated the obvious of developing feelings. But I’m learning that it was a bit much for an FA. Luckily we were able to communicate and find a common ground BUT.. should I let things happen on FA’s terms? I feel kind of shot down after expressing how I felt. I really like this person and really try to accommodate their needs but sometimes I feel I’m neglecting my own. Where’s the balance?
@@MoschinoAmore , I understand everything you have said, there’s always two sides and I’m hesitant when posting on here as it can look one sided. She approached me confessing her feeling and how she’d never felt so happy about our hopeful future together. Honestly, it was perfect, then I felt like she sabotaged it because it was going so good.
@@dusk5956Having just gone thru this, I think you need to express your boundaries (including your needs for making a relationship work) and stay firm to them, while walking a fine line of having patience for them and obligating them to do the same. If you just cater to them they will likely either exploit it, lose respect and push you away, or feel guilty and push you away
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I feel SO SEEN AND UNDERSTOOD! I am keeping this video to share with future romantic partners because you do a much better job than I would. :) Thank you!
You’re supposed to evolve.
Same!
Agree with you !! We aren’t weird yay 😅
Me too ❤
@@Mo.1988 I have been, but this is so concise and to the point. This is faster than me trying to explain it over the course of an hour or more. I can always elaborate if they have questions.
Amazingly spot-on as always. I'd also add a *huge* one for me as an FA, which is the knowledge that the person is with me because they want to be with *me* personally, not because they want to be with A partner and "I'll do." In other words, I need to know that they chose (and continue to choose) to be with me because they developed feelings for me as a specific person, not because they were looking for someone to fill a role. I NEVER, EVER get involved with someone just for the sake of being with someone and not being alone, so it's extremely important to me to know that goes both ways. I kind of feel like if I can trust and believe that, then I can be pretty flexible otherwise, and a lot of other things will just naturally fall into place.
Same! It’s why I love my husband. He actually liked me as a person.
I am glad somebody gets it !
OMG! This is me too! I am always saying please don't have me as a project. I need you to see and value the whole person that I am.
YES!!! I completely agree with this!
Honestly this helped me realise so much about myself and my partner, we both tested as fearful avoidants. Thank you for sharing, it's helping other people also understand their feelings 🥹 I hope you're able to find/are in a relationship that fulfills you in the way you seek
Also, if we're upset about something and keep bringing up an issue, don't ignore it. Be the bigger person and talk about WHY an FA keeps circling back to something they think needs to change. What we're really saying is that this is something that needs to change or I'm walking away. It doesn't have to be my way, but it can't stay like this. Compromising is important in relationships.
Yes. So true don't ignore it cause we will walk away eventually
Okay, but let that change take place. I find more often than not that FAs verbalize an issue and I work to change it, but they won't let me and simultaneously won't change their own behavior so the relationship can actually grow. They say something needs to change but actively stifle the progress. With how much y'all drive things into the ground, it makes the rest of us not even want to try.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I’m an FA and I find myself doing this a lot (asking for change, and if it hasn’t happened within a day, I am extremely frustrated and upset). I’ve been trying to work to overcome this but it’s been hard. I’d like to understand more, when you say “let that change take place”, do you mean leave enough time for it to slowly happen? Or leave enough leeway for the thing to happen again at times, but to not get upset about it and still be patient? When you say “drive things into the ground”, do you mean how FA’s can be adamant that something change or be a certain way?
What would you advise that we do that would make this process of change more comfortable for people like you who are doing your best?
I would like to learn and become better. :)
@@meowglab7702 Yes, it's definitely a combination of both. I think it's a matter of communicating and agreeing on an appropriate timeline, but allowing each other to be imperfect. Lasting change takes time to implement, and people will revert, but if you can still see measurable progress being made, that's what's important. I find that one of the most effective ways to completely freak an FA out is to actually take them into consideration and take what they say seriously enough to make changes. They can't handle it and ruin relationships over it.
So what I mean by both phrases is primarily to allow the change to actually take place and not to sabotage it. But to fine-tune it further, I would also add what you did, driven by the understanding that a relationship is a combination of timelines. Change is not going to happen overnight, and it may not even happen quickly, but it will happen if the other person values you and wants you to be safe and comfortable with them.
💯💯
-Emotional Depth -Trust -Presence -Safety -Passion
-Novelty -Growth -Freedom -Independence -Appreciation
My experience as a secure with an ex-FA is that she was not capable of giving most of these things most of the time.
Awful experience. Multiple people concluded she was a narcissist.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 This is the list of the things she needs, not the things she gives
@@sethtenrecthat’s exactly my point. I’m a secure that had a secure-secure marriage for years (I’m widowed). In that marriage we were interdependent and gave each other these things to each other. That’s what a healthy relationship is. Plus a bunch of other things that are normal and healthy.
An FA cannot give this, thus they are incapable of having a healthy relationship. It’s too one-sided take, not capable of the healthy give.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Unless they are healing, you are completely correct, and even more so, because they aren’t capable of healthily receiving these things either. It isn’t “just take”.
Also, being married for a long time does not mean you have secure attachment, necessarily. And many avoidant people are blinded by their wounds, overrating their attachment security.
A list of things you'll never get from an FA:
-Emotional Depth -Trust -Presence -Safety -Passion
-Novelty -Growth -Freedom -Independence -Appreciation
The novelty and safety connection makes so much sense. I want to try new things without being afraid that I will be emotionally punished for doing it or come back and find that safety/security gone (in my head: as a consequence).
I'll never forget my dad calling me weird (as an insult) when I tried things he would never. That feeling hits the core.
What are you meaning exactly?
My mom used to make me feel guilty when I would do sleep overs as a kid. When I became an adult, she would guilt trip me for wanting to travel and move to different places.
This is dead on. I would like to clarify though that asking FAs questions doesn’t mean interrogating them about all of their life experiences especially when you are just getting to know each other. That is likely to feel really overwhelming, draining, and violating to a FA. I dated someone like this who appeared to be AP. It felt like she was trying to pull information out of me in a very inorganic way and it didn’t make me feel closer to her. It just made me feel like we knew a lot of personal stuff about each other before we organically developed intimacy, which just feels uncomfortable and awkward. Ask questions that are thoughtful and relevant to the situations you find yourselves in together, and be respectful when someone indicates a boundary.
Maybe she was just a Narcissist (or worse) trying to get into your personal stuff for the wrong reasons?
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm an AP and I always ask questions out of curiosity. But when I feel my partner's getting uncomfortable, I take a step back.
@@sillygirl1139 What exactly would imply that this person is a narcissist??
This really helps me understand the women I’m with. It’s been a rollercoaster of trying to get a grip on how she works haha. I implemented all of these aspects and I feel like she’s starting to really accept me and we’re growing really close (slowly). The main thing I learnt is do NOT pressure them. Be centered in yourself and remain strong and stable and let them be. Thank you for the advice 🙏🏻
Yes, that's masculine energy. Works every time.
@@SunsetCliffssurfers sure!
@@SunsetCliffssurfers So since I posted we’re not together anymore. From what you’re describing here, my situation was very similar. You need to research narcissistic traits are because from what I’m seeing here it seems she may have narcissistic or toxic traits. Blocking is toxic way of someone punishing you and that’s not cool. When you start becoming someone you don’t like or stressed all the time because of a relationship it’s time to walk away. You reached out to your ex when you were broken up; you do NOT need to apologise. You were a FREE man. She is upset because she lost control of you and she KNOWS that blocking you will increase fear and anxiety. Leaving the note on the car wasn’t a great thing to do because it shows you’re not in control. I KNOW it’s hard to walk away and you think about them non stop. But parent yourself and WRITE DOWN what this person did that was not making you happy. There’s two scenarios here: 1. She’s a narcissist and wants to control you and narcissists can’t love anyone. 2. She’s just not into you as much as you are into her (I know you don’t want to hear that) and she’s keeping you as a backup option or simply playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse. If there’s ANY chance of getting her back… walk away and do not contact her for any reason. BE in control… don’t just fake it. I know it’s hard but take back control, be a man, and hook up with some other girls. I guarantee at some point she’ll come back.. but by then you’ll have moved on anyway. DO NOT CHASE HER IN PERSON, IT’S STALKERISH AND WILL NOT HELP. You are maybe trauma bonded. Hope that helps. 🤙🏻
@@MattCassCooki realize that my ex is not unique in the sense that you and @Graforma has an ex that has similar tendencies even though the my breakup was 3months ago and was mainly due to my anxiety of us going long distance as shes in Japan im in America ive slowly moved on I have done everything i could to keep her one thing i wont do is sleep around before my ex ive had a couple partners but ive honestly grown up not caring about sex it's amazing dont get me wrong but being anemic actually causes more problems for me individually and its honestly bad for me if its too much... But wishing you the best to find the one bro im sure your an amazing dude who did your best for her. Sad to hear it didnt work out but we deserve to be with whom we want to be goodluck bro!!
@@SunsetCliffssurfersrespectfully interjecting here…. As an FA, I would think she feels betrayed and unsafe because of what happened while you were broken up. Even if you technically didn’t break any agreements, she doesn’t trust your underlying intentions regarding your ex. Her blocking you is likely a way of self-preservation. FAs, like all avoidants, self-soothe when in distress. She is probably trying to regulate her own emotional volatility right now so that she can stay above water and breathe. I would be very careful NOT to jump to the conclusion that she is playing games or acting out narcissistic traits.
This is all facts. I've been telling my fiancé this the entire time we've been together. I learned a long time ago that u can't expect ppl to kno your needs if u don't let your needs be known so i communicate what I'm feeling, thinking, & what i need regularly, waaaaaaaay before i get mad about not having my needs met. The less 2 ppl have to play the guessing game, the better chance the relationship has of working.
The need for growth and growing together with another person in a relationship also comes down to knowing that I deeply know and understand the other person as much as they know and understand me, therein lies the safety and security in that relationship
Here is my advice: Don't date them at all. If we cause people pain just to be with us in a relationship, we are the problem. My advice to anyone men or women with past trauma and tons of baggage - get a therapist, face your demons, learn the skills you are missing in order to be in a healthy, loving, and happy relationship; and, find peace. And don't date until you are healed because no one is worth putting someone through pain just to be with them. Or, if you are already in a relationship - boy oh boy to realize you have caused someone lots of pain just to be with you - only two things are going to happen: (1) You'll run from the one on who loves you and cause more pain while putting it all on the one who loves you because of cowardice. Or (2) face the truth, ask for forgiveness, and now, it's time to undo the damage and reciprocate. Most of the time, 70% will choose option 1. And trust me when I say this, I am a counselor and this is what I see all the time. My advice for everyone - if your past wasn't the greatest, get a therapist and go to work before more people you love gets destroyed especially your own children.
Amen.
FA here, not dating and in therapy! I was in a 4.5 year relationship with another FA. I left him because he couldn’t say he wanted a future with me. After the breakup, I got right in therapy and been going for 1.5 years. He jumped into a new relationship within a month. Grateful for my journey of healing!
I learned with years how so many people I met weren’t liars they just said a lie..which made a huge difference sometimes I would notice how fragile my trust is…it’s super difficult for anyone to be honest 100% all the time and never ever make a mistake…and never ever say the wrong thing or look at me with an empty look..it’s crucial for FAs to know a flaw in a relationship doesn’t mean the relationship has failed
Just got dumped by an FA (although just found out recently all the attachment styles) he said he fell out of love but cant even explain how, why or when. No explanation. I stayed with him for 3.5years and it always feels like you are in a “trial and error” phase. Always tip toing around them. Felt like they want you to perform in a way that’s acceptable to their standards but never really telling you what are those. like im the only one trying to prove my worth while he on the other hand expected me accept him as is or he’ll leave. It felt so unfair the whole time. While his needs were mostly met, mine wasn’t. Not even close. But I stayed cause I love him and care for him. Two weeks after the break up I discovered attachement styles and evertyhing makes sense. The problem is, do your work too! Dont expect everyone to just adjust to your wims. We all have childhood traumas to some degree afterall.
I initially want to get back with him, hence the research. Now that I know, lol what can you even bring to the table? Will never come back nor want to. I never feel so free until now.
This...word for word so accurate. For me, as an FA, right now trust and safety is soooo important and is the driving force of me choosing who's for me and who's not. I didn't recognize that safety was important at first until after separation. Now if I don't see these two in someone, I'm no longer hesitant to cut you off. Life is already too hard and my relationship doesn't need to match that. It's exhausting
I really took a lot from this,your videos has so helped me be so understanding to my partner,I struggled to start with as I was just constantly feeling I couldn't understand, then she told me and then I watch your videos all the time how I can be the best for her while understanding that certain things she does is no attack on me but just her attachment.
Thing that triggers my avoidance:
Me (on a 4 hour phone call): “I have class tomorrow morning-“
Them: “awwwwwwwww don’t go yet!”
Me: “I really need to sleep, I’m really so tired I haven’t slept very much (2 hours last night)-“
Them: “alright fine… I just miss you so much!”
Me: “how about we call the whole day Thursday!!”
Them: “yay!!!!”
(I will completely ghost you after realizing I won’t be able to handle my exam without sleeping, but I’ll be too afraid not to “make it up to you”)
This to me is “I’m not considering that you have needs and you’ll have to fight for them at the risk of disappointing me or making me mad at you, which could lead to abandonment or betrayal”
The thing that builds trust for me:
Them: “hey it’s getting late, don’t you have class in the morning?”
Me: “ah yeah, 6 am”
Them: “I’ll let you go, text me and let me know how your midterms go.”
Me: “I will thank you! Goodnight”
Like, I know it’s not your job to remember my needs all the time, but I would hope as my friend you can understand that I will not put my needs before your wants, and I won’t fight very hard before giving in. The running afterward is “I can’t meet my needs and stay in contact”. Also when you set boundaries with me, I feel more safe to have them too. Please tell me “I’m winding down for tonight, how about another time?”. That makes me feel like you aren’t giving up your needs to connect with me- so I won’t have to either.
Please watch for my needs. I will overextend myself because I think I’m indebted to you.
Thank you for sharing. Your perspective really helps Me understand my FA girlfriend.
This explains the exact dynamics between my FA ex girlfriend and I.
This comment answered a lot of questions. This part in particular is bit of a revelation:
This to me is "I'm not considering that you have needs and you'll have to fight for them at the risk of disappointing me or making me mad at you, which could lead to abandonment or betrayal"
I am hurt that I fell for and loved an FA. She hurt me so much and she doesn’t understand her hurtful actions. Why must an FA put so much of their burden of their happiness on their partner?
@@harry-james-booksnot true
i'd wager you misdiagnosed your narc lover.
For the past five months until now I have been in dealing with my ex who has a fearful avoidance attachment style. We have been in a relationship for almost 5 years and we have a misunderstanding that results to our breaking up. Our relationship has been inconsistent, with moments of progress followed by periods of distance and uncertainty. Despite still having strong feelings for her, I find it difficult to reconcile and move forward when I am the only one putting in effort.
They don’t open up and communicate. I can’t read people’s freakin minds!!!!
WOW, never felt so seen, all these things really explain what I want in a relationship. I didn't even realize I was an FA and really watching your videos has given me so much more clarity on the specific things I want and it's better explained. As someone who is with a DA, it's extremely hard to find a common ground sometimes and it's because I havent been able to establish boundaries or express my needs in a way that they dont feel attacked.
Great explanation. I have been so-o-o calm, reliable, grateful, but when he withdraws with no explanation or warning, I get angry and I tell him I don’t want to see him, not with anger but with calmness. He will slowly reestablish contact and say he would like to talk. I listened to what he had to say, and then I gently asked, am I to go on believing that you love me when you are sending all kinds of signals that you don’t? Well, he got it, and we’re seeing each other again.
Omg this cannot be more spot on… if I want someone to understand my needs this one video summarizes it all
Yes! I like when people ask lots of questions to get to know each other. Trust through congruency, consideration, transparency. All important.
All this shows a lot of care. And they run away from that. I’ve been in it and that’s been my outcome.
It's so great to have everything structured like that. I am DA and I resonate with all of these needs.
What an amazing intro/disclaimer!!!! 😢 needed that!
❤
I am 35% fearful avoidant and the rest dismissive. This video made me understand why my fearful avoidance tendencies are so strong in my current relationship and it's because almost none of these needs of mine get met even when I express them well. That's an eye opener especially considering I spend the majority blaming myself for the problems in my 10 year relationship.
You sound like me. It’s hard enough to communicate at times and when I do communicate my needs they often go unheard. I’m now at a point I just leave but it feels so foreign I end up blaming myself for leaving. But before I stuck around and didn’t choose myself if that makes sense. Sigh, guess I’m trying to find balance.
I'm saving this video to send to whoever my future partner is. Spot on.
What's funny is when i started to delve into attachment style theory it was an avoidant that purs the search. I wanted to understand him. I then i realized he is me! Lol😂 i through trying to understand him i found myself! I was like that's why we're having this issue, we both tripping lol😂
I feel incredibly seen, understood, and validated. Thank you for this video and the work that you do!
Yep, just blocked my ex for leaving me on read yet again for a 5 days meanwhile he’s on IG posting about his business and on WhatsApp at night talking to who knows. Says he wants to be friends + but I refuse to continue being disregarded especially when I went out of my way to buy him a birthday present last week. Kick rocks.. guess I’m in flight mode. But I communicated multiple times that ignoring me for days is a deal breaker, he couldn’t respect that so I’m done!
It seems that you are just being secure. This person doesnt appreciate you and you just move on - this was right desicion. I believe in you!
I would send this to my DA parter but he would ignore it and be annoyed
So just move on and find someone who validates you
This has also really helped to explain why I’ve struggled so much with friends who cancel plans without much consideration for my feelings. It’s really affected how I feel about our friendship and now I see why it’s so important to me. It makes me feel not cared about when someone drops me at the last minute without acknowledging how that affects me and now I feel much less inclined to make plans with them or share how I feel because the trust has been broken.
Being understood is a huge need of mine
❤
this. i love my FA dearly, and understanding is easy when you truly care for someone with all of your heart.
in turn, i feel very loved and wanted by her.
there is no barrier that love cannot break through. cheesey sounding, sure. true, though.
Thais your gifted , your analysis is spot on.
Amazing video Thais! I resonate a lot with this. Can you maybe make a video for FAs regarding why we keep going for people who trigger not making us feel seen, appreciated, emotionally connected, and how we can change this pattern?
Acknowledging it is always the first step. From my understanding we’re trying to get the validation from them that we didn’t get from our parents & we have to give this to ourselves. Good luck
it's a subconscious comfort zone because it's familiar to what you experienced in your formative years. So the subconscious mind is always trying to keep us safe and familiarity=predictability=safety.
If you want to attract new partners you have to reprogram your core wounds and create a new subconscious comfort zone and give yourself the things you weren't given in childhood. See yourself, appreciate yourself, and emotionally connect to yourself. When you give those things to yourself it's called subconscious priming. We cannot receive from another what we cannot give to ourselves.
Great video!
5:30 so true for me as an FA!
6:23 isn't trust built on congruency for everyone?
13:00 is more of a female trait
Most points in video are important for any relationship.
Try being married to an FA who is also an alcoholic. Now high functioning, “almost” sober alcoholic FA but it’s a double whammy. It’s a very complicated dynamic to navigate and it’s like just chill, I love you, I’m not going anywhere. I never know what he wants or when the bottom is going to drop out. Then the cycle of building up his confidence and security starts all over again.
Wow- finally insight at 50 !
Is there something that FAs don't need?? Talk about choosing regrets
I recently found out about attachment styles and both my partner and I tested as fearful avoidant 💀 it makes so much sense from our childhoods and the way we are, it's really opened our eyes. Here to try improving ourselves now 😂👌
This is self-discovery.
I feel greatly seen!
This was so so helpful for me as an FA to be able to share it with my partner. Thank you so much.
What does it mean when an FA doesn’t open up to you ever?
And, they lie constantly & become domineering?
Too broken for an actual relationship… right?😢
Walk. Away.
There is something that I don't understand. I have a FA attachment style and I do have all these needs. I would not settle and definitely not stay for long in a relationship that lacks one or several of these. This is why sometimes is hard to find all of them in a relationship, so I completely relate to all that Thais says, but in the same time I wonder: aren't all these needs healthy? Connection, depth, being there for eachother, while also being independent and not having co-dependency, relying on the other, etc. I feel like the way she describes FA's is like we are very conscious people and we do not put up with shit and we are also intense, people who ask a lot, but I guess that we also give a lot. Yep: avoid me in a constant way (only a few times is enough) don't care for me and I will be out the door before you can even realize what happened. I normally did explain, but I used to grow cold really fast. I hope I am more secure now and observe myself if these mechanism appear again. Maybe the unhealthy thing is exactly this - how I did not even wait - the minute I sensed something was off I was ready to go, or at least this is how I operated until now and I know that it was a defense mechanism. Writing this, in a way I am beginning to answer my own question - maybe the problem resides in the fact that I have all these needs and I was also really intense about them, like I needed them to happen in the same time and almost none of them had to be missing in order for me to feel well and safe in the relationship and want to stay. I think that safety is actually the core need here and a lot of these needs have to do with safety, or fall into the "feeling safe" category: I feel safe if I am heard, if you are reliable and constant, if we have a deep connection, if I can be myself and be able not to be there for you from time to time just minding my own thing and I can still be sure you will continue to love, care and appreciate me and that you can fend for yourself whenever I am not available (because I have my own issues to solve or need to just do my thing and I do not have to feel guilty about it). I/We do need very emotionally mature, stable persons around us and especially in close relationships. I think there are some deep wounds there. But anyway, all these needs I guess they are healthy and they are what makes a mature relationship in a way, but maybe the intensity of needing all of them, all the time is the problem. Maybe I can just cut the other a slack from time to time in the future. Laugh a little about this and relax. Nobody can be so perfect all the time and they also shouldn't. I think it is exhausting for me (it is being continously under alert in a way) and it could also be for the other (depending on how relaxed or secure the other is.) I think that as I heal and become more mature all these needs will be there, but without so much intensity, not so "I lack air if I don't have them" sort of thing. Since I know I can also self-sooth and meet my own needs and do not need to take it to the extreme or so personally whenever the other is not so perfect and fails to meet a need exactly how I want it and at the moment I want it. This does not mean they are going to abuse me or that they do not love me anymore, or that basically I am not safe. I mean somebody who generally cares for me, with whom I share emotional depth etc, but who's just a human. I guess that all these needs meeting cannot be there at a high level all the time. A mature person, especially if I am self-aware and if I communicate this, may try to meet them, but anyhow... I mean I feel like, at least in my case, I can just sometimes take distance and understand that if the other cannot (and nobody should) meet all the time my exact needs, it is ok, it is not about me, I can still feel safe as long as the relationship overall is healthy, of course and it's satisfactory in general. Well, actually as one grows more secure and heals, everything becomes more pacific and the sense of urgency dissappears and the interpretation of things becomes more objective (like - if my partner has a bad day and does not want connection, that does not mean there is something wrong with us and I can respect it without freaking out). This is my contribution to Thais' words, written from my personal experience and understanding. It may be relatable to more people.
As a codependent who seems to regularly run into FAs and narcissists...it is that feeling that *you're always looking at the door just in case* that exacerbates our insecurities. All of the described needs sound good on paper, but when you're seeking that emotional validation it gets internalized as self-centered and cruel. Especially if we pick up that you're hesitating to leave, it creates a feeling of imbalance in the relationship where we think we need to cater to your needs but fear you won't think of ours. We need to see that you'll work on keeping our trust for it to work
Small novel!
Thank you for making this video. I recently discovered I’m a FA. I’ve been diagnosed with so many wrong stuff and I think this is finally the answer I’ve been looking for
Thanks, Thais. Your depth of knowledge is amazing, thanks for sharing all of this with us. Are FA & FA doomed? Especially if they don't understand this stuff? I just split up with somebody who we had an amazing connection? We had a misunderstanding over something nice (one person saying 'I love you' on Valentine's Day, the other not returning it), then the person who said it pulled away in silence for a couple of days, then the other person just finished the relationship out of the blue. The connection was so amazing, it's very difficult to come to terms with
Similar thing happened to me...suddenly my FA partner stopped expressing love.. no I love you, no i miss you, no good morning or good night...even a simple 'take care' message was a lot for them.. it killed me every single day..back then I had no idea about attachment styles..me being a secure individual, kept asking what went wrong..? Because to me communication was the key...but in the end I lost..they were adamant about leaving me because they had no feelings left for me.. 1.5 yrs with an FA...drove me to bit towards anxious type... healing now..
I'm not sure how to provide someone with safety and passion, etc when they just disappear, as FA's do.
Amazing content!!
This all sounds good, to bad my FA ex was consistently inconsistent and pushed me slightly anxious and devalued. They need to learn you get what you give! If I mirrored his BS he’d just shut down hard and be less communicative. If he actually had conversation with me, we’d both have had our needs met. Instead he decided to flee. I take it as if the house was on fire, I’d have to fend for myself while he’d just jump out the window.
I feel extremely called out by this video. 😂 thank you.
Nice video. Strange thing though from many videos on FA is focus on what they need from a partner. I have being in such relationship but such asymetry is not sustainable for long term relationship. They really need to work om themselves.
Yes, FAs can be so judgemental of their partners. It feels like they are just looking for a list of excuses to dump you at the time of their choosing. But as their partner, you have to accept everything about them, or else they will also dump you.
Absolutely miserable. Never again!
This is so me 🤣
I thought I'm anxiously attached but this explains me spot on. Novelty and passion are the first things that attract me to a partner.
Vulnerability too. I like partners who are attached to their emotions. I like deep conversations and new adventures.
I just get anxious when my partner is inconsistent or when their words don't match their words but I'm very understanding when people need their space. I value independence and freedom so much. But not too much space like going weeks without speaking. A few days is fine.
Otherwise this just described me on a 💯
Human lie detector! I can tell someone is lying from a mile away! I've always said to everyone in any type of relationship with me, DO NOT LIE TO ME!
How can you tell the difference between someone projecting their issues onto you and someone who actually cares and sincerely wants to help?
When you watch a couple videos and go...oh .. it's me..hi..I'm the problem it's me.
In providing all of this to a partner in a relationship, you really should be in a position where you are also receiving it *back*. And I don't feel like FAs are capable of doing that. Relationship with them is so one-sided, with the secure person carrying so much. Navigating a minefield.😠 Constantly giving so much more than they're being offered in return. This huge imbalance of needs. It's unfair and ultimately unhealthy. Draining. Unfairly challenging. We deserve equal fulfillment of needs.
An idea (as an APA male who’s attracted to FA females):
I want my partner to be as similar to me as possible. If they don’t think like me, I am not happy. I do not feel like they are my soulmate. I think more secure attachment styles are more flexible so they see compromise as just part of a healthy relationship but we see it as a mismatch or even sometimes as a betrayal.
I know that sounds selfish, but it’s part of the deal. Imagine feeling so alone like nobody gets you, and you are reminded of that every time your partner disagrees with you.
A possible solution: ask them WHY they prefer something. If they want to paint the house purple, use that as a jumping off point to talk about why they like purple houses. We find it VERY gratifying when people take curiosity in our interests.
Good luck.
I absolutely have this attachement-style. Kind of horrifying how accurate this desribes me.
Be gentle with yourself.
What do you do with an avoidant who will not engage in conversation? Just shut down and avoidant. Very difficult.
shut down too
@@littledevil8146
@@littledevil8146 Explain a little more about shutting down too.
@@IraTeller disappear for a day or a few days. Most of them become worried then and more talkative
You can shut down with a DA and they'll be fine. But you can't with an FA. They'll feel rejected.
I used to be FA. Now i think that all of this stuff is just a bullshit really. As SA I can tell you that if you ARE FA then this video is good for inner work, but if you are the one who is trying to change FA by watching such videos - this means that you have some problems and should work on yourself instead. You dont want pain in your life, so you will be looking for a good partner and not the broken one. Let them learn themselves alone
Why care about their needs? They certainly dont care about yours!
This list is PERFECT. Honestly, even though I'm on my way to healing and "earned secure" attachment, I don't even want this list to be any different. It's a great list. I'd love to hear more about how our needs shift or remain the same as we heal our insecure attachment. It seems like there are some fundamental desires that may just be intrinsic? I don't want to dictate my needs based on a trauma response, but I can't see a thing wrong or unhealthy with anything on this list. This warrants more discussion, I think.
I honestly think the same as you. I’m also on my healing journey and I’m definitely more of a secure attachment style now and I wouldn’t change a thing on this list!😂
same
Hi, thanks for your insight. I was wondering whether your MBTI personality type is INFJ as well? And/ Whether you're an HSP as well? Wanting to connect on a deeper level (among many other traits) - could very well be an INFJ trait, HSP trait. Thoughts, anyone ?
@sheemanaperiye4968 that resonates. I'm FA and INFJ. But have not heard of HSP! Will have to look into that!
@@sheemanaperiye4968 I resonate, and would call myself an INFJ/HSP
💯 honestly believe we were meant to have different attachment styles we were aware not all men to be securly attached for whatever existential reason. But it's good to know how people vary.
Provide all of these things for him and it's still not enough. He will still flip, suddenly find you repulsive, and push you away.
Are these..... Not the same needs of a secure person...????
This is AWESOME ❤❤❤ it’s pretty much exactly what I needed and it’s helped me identify what was present and absent in certain relationships that I’ve had as an FA. This is so helpful, thank you so much ☺️☺️☺️
I am FA but overcame long way when became Christian and builded relationship with God , also this videos helped me greatly ! I learned that what my partner can’t give me I can find in the love of God ❤
I am married with DA who as well is growing. I believe that FA and DA can be a strong couple. I see how much the differences can benefit what they truly need to become the best version for others and themselves.
Amen may God bless you and your husband
@@truthalwaysprevail2738 do you think she’s actually listening?
Is fearful avoidance just sub-clinical borderline personality disorder?
Bpd is born out of FA attachment I think. Just way more severe.
I see this correlation. I'd also add, there's high Neuroticism, too. I can spot these people very easily the more Secure I've become.
In my experience, individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style seek what they are unable to provide. They occupy so much space within the relationship that it leaves little room for the other person.
I hate im FA and DA at the same time!!!!😫😫😫😫 I need help and feel so broken. My husband wants to separate and doesn't love me anymore because i neglected and even broke him with always being distant, mad about small and big things, withholding connection and now he is so shut off. I cant stand experiencing my anxiety, loss and feeling inadequate to meet all his needs for 13 years. My body is in distress, cant sleep, im so tempted to drink to numb myself. I also never felt he met my needs because he is so emotion driven as AP himself. I wanted support, consistency and intellectual growth as a couple. I wanted to be known deeply and him to desire to know me instead of just 'enjoy' me. It just makes me feel like its about him. He is a good guy as a person but u feel like net picking at him and i withdraw thinking he is not good for me to me. Im traped in my own gead with lies that seem real.
What causes you to be distant? Do you shy away from expressing your wants and needs in the moment?
All this is just a bunch of jibber jabber, no actual examples of how to do any of this. You have to pay $65 a month to get an actual answer or example. Besides, you can't fix an FA, no matter how hard you try. Especially when they don't even think they have a problem! We should be teaching this stuff in High School so everyone can avoid ever getting married to crazy people like this.
Spot on 👌
But what about is the FA that cancel a trip???? She was very angry because I told her that I did not like that she, FA, cancelled trip together!! SHE was angry despite of the fact that SHE cancelled the trip!!
It seems like they want they want someone that is the opposite of their selves 🤔
I've been spending time with a woman who says relationships terrify her. But I have said from the beginning let's just hangout and have fun. No relationship as a main goal whatsoever. She gets close and then freaks out and pulls away. Which is fine I give her her space
Thais!! this is SO interesting!! I am (sometimes) dating a fearful avoidant with CPTSD. I keep thinking I am starting to understand ...not even close.... I have learnt so much here...in my head at least... I love this woman so much but can really scare her and push her away unconsciously. Listening to you helps me sloooowww down a bit so that I can be more present for her but thank you so much for your work,,,
I am 100% sure i'm a FA now and I feel so seen as a FA! I
She basically read me to filth 😭 she really knows what she is talking bout. I feel understood by listening to this.
They act like all they need is space smh
You know, who cares!? They sure don’t! Living with one now, 47 years, years of therapy counseling, nothing changes these people. No intimacy, never get any feelings of love from them. Stayed for the kids…what a fool I was. Run, run, run! Get out while you are still somewhat sane!
Yup. Run, and keep running.
sounds more like bpd or npd. sorry for you situation
@@mikeylikesit1195 There's next to no difference. Even trained psycologists struggle to tell the difference - especially between Quiet BPD and FA
@@harry-james-books i don't consider the malignancy factor to be a small difference. Narcs know they are hurting you and enjoy it. FA's either wont realize it, or feel a lot of guilt if theyve hurt someone. they arent evil. unlike Narcs. but the "professionals" you mentioned dont like words like that.
@@mikeylikesit1195 You're arguing semantics, and you can't have it both ways: if an FA knows what they are doing to hurt someone and destroy their relationship, then they are a narcissist.
If they know, but can't stop themselves hurting someone and destroying their relationship, they are insane.
Either way, the only answer is walk away.
When navigating this how does one not get resentful to their needs not being met?
All of this information is just too much for me to consider & comprehend ; I like simplicity & my dog really appreciates me in a very comfortable fashion. Woof
Done my homework but after the breakup.... just patiently waiting to see if she will reach out.... almsot at the 90 day mark of nc. 🙏
5 min of intro 😅
All the tests say I'm securely attached but listening to this I'm quite sure I'm fearful avoidant 😅
But more like "ignore-my-fears avoidant" 😂😂
A therapist who specializes in attachment theory told me that avoidant attachment, styles often test as secure. Something to do with not really seeing the issues that clearly. If you’ll pardon the pun, “avoiding the real answer”.
Member of the school here…what is the title of the webinar Thais is referring to in this video? Looking in the webinar library for it.
How To Deeply Connect With A Fearful Avoidant (March 10, 2023 webinar)
why couldn’t I have found these things earlier in life 😩
So basically you gotta be a freakin Disney movie prince. Easy.
How many FA’s also identify as INTJ’s? Seems very similar.
I was with an avoidant partner who's jealous about others.He want me to not to talk to another men but he associates with another woman also😅😅
Yeah I learned FAs and DAs are that way.
They value emotional depth and want someone to open up to them, but then an AA does and it scares them away?
I think it’s all about how the emotional depth is expressed and conveyed. Very potent emotional expressions seem to frighten them. This can be really hard to deal with for someone more anxious who is more effusive in general. The key is to learn how to self regulate and have calm discussions. They aren’t allergic to feelings altogether and often feel deeply themselves.
Can I join Webinar without being on Facebook?
If you in a marriage with a fearful avoidant, what is the best way to restore the sense of safety with you when they initiate divorce?
What do you do when you know your Partner is a FA but they don’t ?
Listening to this is listening to every reason my marriage triggers me 😔
I think I’m a FA I was in a foster home from the age of 3 and experienced very very little love and attention- I’m in a relationship later in my life as my husband died after 50 years of marriage.
I want to learn more about this trait to help me in my present relationship- I listened to this podcast and realised I may be a fearful avoidant- I though I was an anxious attachment style - but this resonates with me - I would like to do more work on myself and wondered how much you charge I don’t don’t have a great deal of money but realised I do need to do work around this ? Christina
That bit about a baseline of trust is laughable. The FA I dated insisted on having a FWB while we dated. How on earth is that about building trust? She also didn't make any connection with this requirement and the huge uncertainty it triggered in me, which makes the "safety" aspect equally laughable. She's also shown zero inclination to actually explore her attachment style and how it influences her life, despite being the one who diagnosed her style, so I don't see "growth" as a big thing either. More complete denial in my experience.
Yes, mine was unapologetically best friends with his ex wife, went on vacation with her, lived one block away from her, had a room in her house, etc. and he would jump all over me for being jealous, untrusting and judgemental of his "most important relationship.". So, they really value trust, huh? To him, trust just meant that I would be cool with him having a constant emotional and maybe physical affair with his ex-wife and not complaining about it.
This video makes it sound like FAs would be great partners, and maybe some of them are...
12:58 A good way to reach this balance would for example be a date sheduled every Sunday, but always a different and exciting date
It seems like consistency and follow through would be a big trigger for anyone as well as consideration and trust no? Not arguing just genuine question
I lost my FA at the start of the power struggle stage because she felt unsafe. Unfortunately, not being able to move healthily into that stage made the relationship extinguish.
Your videos are always helpful, but this was incredibly well put together and relatively short for such a broad subject! Thank you!
Thanks for another great video Thais..been watching a lot of them the last couple of weeks searching understanding....is a FA likely to start an argument out of nothing when things are going great, and end a short term relationship only a couple of days after declaring their feelings and how happy they were becoming ? It makes sense, but it doesn’t at the same time.
Yes!
Quite possibly but also consider that from the FA’s perspective things might not actually be going great. They may be failing to articulate boundaries, expectations, and needs. So it’s possible the person they’re dating thinks things are great but the FA doesn’t. That’s why it’s important for FAs to learn to communicate their boundaries, expectations, and needs.
Omg this happened to me as well. I’m pretty straight forward but didn’t apply pressure. I just stated the obvious of developing feelings. But I’m learning that it was a bit much for an FA. Luckily we were able to communicate and find a common ground BUT.. should I let things happen on FA’s terms? I feel kind of shot down after expressing how I felt. I really like this person and really try to accommodate their needs but sometimes I feel I’m neglecting my own. Where’s the balance?
@@MoschinoAmore , I understand everything you have said, there’s always two sides and I’m hesitant when posting on here as it can look one sided. She approached me confessing her feeling and how she’d never felt so happy about our hopeful future together. Honestly, it was perfect, then I felt like she sabotaged it because it was going so good.
@@dusk5956Having just gone thru this, I think you need to express your boundaries (including your needs for making a relationship work) and stay firm to them, while walking a fine line of having patience for them and obligating them to do the same. If you just cater to them they will likely either exploit it, lose respect and push you away, or feel guilty and push you away
Don’t lie to us 🤷🏻♀️
4:40