First, kinda numb, then all the emotions. Then I work on processing my way through them until I reach a point of indifference. After some more time, I feel empathy for us both and wish us both well. Never ever do I want to go back. Also I should add, I usually feel they lost me.
If you break up with someone in a horrible way, it's not enough to do an indirect reach out hoping you get the response you're looking for. Take accountability for yourself, apologize and say that you messed up.
Wish them well and let them go. You can't love them enough to change what's going on in their damaged emotional mind. Don't take them back once they let you go because it just sets up a yo-yo cycle
I believe this! That’s why when my FA ended, he came back for 2-3 weeks trying to indirectly reconnect. I made a definitive decision. I asked him to not contact me anymore. I haven’t heard back from him. I miss him and wish him well. But I don’t trust him, he’s not safe, and for me being a SA that’s not healthy to return to something or someone that doesn’t serve you or them at y’all highest good. ✨🙏🏽💚
@JohnBoulding Any love you have is wasted on them. They are incapable of receiving love and will use your love as a weapon against you. As soon as they start to pull away, take that for what it is and just leave them. They will play victim and say how you "abandoned" them even though they were literally about to do the same to you, and without warning. But that's how it goes with them.
How selfish are some people. They will discard you, ignore you and likely monkey branch to another guy, but how dare you move on and see someone else...... Toxic AF.
@@umerwani1178no I’m secure. My FA didn’t speak to me for four months, came back and was treating me like I committed murder because I dared to go out and date again
@@bobbooey45 yeah no. Try to understand before trying to be understood. Not everyone recives love kn the same way as others. Saying "just take my love as i give it to you" just doesnt cut it when the person on the receiving end cant feel loved that way. Problem is: everyone is just interested in their own needs and doesnt care for the inner world of others. And who told you that i act that way? I dont. I am aware of my triggers and my actions and am more on the secure side. So maybe you should reconsider judging people
HEALING iS A CHIOCE. As an adult you should be taking responsibility for your life and its dysfunctional patterns in relating to yourself and others. . Things they choose to do to keep themselves "safe" , causes lots of hurt and damage within relationships. Give them and yourself the gift of leaving the connection.. Healing is a chioce❤
When my FA texted me two years later, I responded "who is this?" He actually responded with his name ( knew who it was, I had renamed his contact "Crumbs") And I never replied. It was extremely empowering.
After 2 years of trying really hard to help my FA girlfriend, I'm done. A lot of effort on my side and none on hers. Meeting every week or two weeks (she was always busy and never had the time for me). Never got to meet her family, never been hugged, cuddled, intimacy close to never (I always had to initiate all, I never felt being truly wanted). She made me feel worthless and completely unimportant. I have a safe attachment style but enough is enough. I'm bailing out to save myself and not to go crazy. Just had a fight with her a few days ago where I spilled out all my sorrows and since then went no contact and hope she will never contact me again. I'm mentally exhausted. Never again, if you see a FA run for your life.
Couldn’t this person exhibit both FA and DA behaviors? I know that this is the way my ex feels. I have to look at her avoidant attachment style with both lenses
All very true but I’m not sure the second phase is swinging avoidant, at least for me. After trying, trying, during the relationship, it ending, me maybe reaching out, if by then there is no response, I’m ready to move on. You make a very good point about the stories we tell ourselves, though. Thinking we weren’t good enough or that the other never cared makes the whole process so much tougher.
can i ask you something? my ex is FA. we had an argument and she ghosted me 10 days. i finally say my goodbye nicely. she texted me “ i’m sorry i’m a loser, i’m sorry for treating you so badly, i’m sorry for abandoning you, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry for my bad behaviour, i’m sorry if i made you overthink over everything that u did in the past that i wish i never did any of those things to you. you deserve someone new who’s gonna treat you well, you’re so special and i can’t handle you. i wish you well and i will never forget us.” what do i have to do if i want her back? i didn’t understand.. i love her very much. please help me understand from FA POV.
@@nadyaiqmalia3001 IMO she feels tremendous guilt. However, unless she's actively working on healing her traumas sadly this on and off pattern will continue. There are a ton of videos on the PDS youtube channel to help wrap your head around this. Best of luck!
Thais, you're saving lives here, especially mine! I can't thank you enough. I'm a recovering DA who just broke up with an FA around Valentine's Day. Now I'm in your school, doing the work and plan to one day help others to recover. You're such an encouragement and blessing! Keep it up we need this every day!❤
I just ended it with my avoidant and I know she's gonna come back when she realizes What just happened but If she comes back she's gonna have to play on my terms.
That goes for everyone here too just embrace what you have and know that if the person has good intent not to be angry at them anymore and be by yourself and happy.
I’ve finally reached the other side. A lot of times I still feel them with me and the frustration is gone. I spent nights where I’d wake up in the morning shaking because I was afraid their family would try something dangerous. It wasn’t right how she left the way she did and blocked me on everything. However, it’s not my place to try and fix things anymore. I know they love me and I love them with all my heart too. I just had to not try to fix things and it will all workout the way it’s supposed to.
6 หลายเดือนก่อน +22
My ex is FA and doesn’t give a flying F*ck, I’m trying to not care about her, I was the one who would have done anything for her but I’m not being walked over I get she got badly hurt in her younger years, I tried to help her to deal with it but she shut me out and then gave me a load of BS excuses as to why we are splitting up
@@harry-james-books100% it’s a tough pill to swallow with this type of person. All the “you’re my soulmate” talk gets extinguished over night. I took my ex back once and am in the same boat now. They’re almost narcissistic like. Total discard
I've fought for my FA Ex for a LONG time, Two weeks ago, a switch clicked in me. And I moved forward with my life. Genuinely moved forward. The problem is, She has a history for poppin up when she thinks that has happened. And I was always there to try again because i really loved her and believed in growing together, Only now, I have no interest in going back to that relationship. I love her with all my heart but I'm passed it. Yall think she will feel that and pop back up again? I think so. So we shall see, I'm seeing other people now, after all these months i took to myself. I'm happy, I'm back to my old self. What do ya'll think? I know for certain She was madly in love with me and there is no other man in her life that has held the spot i did. What do ya'll think?
My story is so similar to yours. Historically my fa will always reach back out. She loves me I believe that and I love her, BUT I'm done dealing with the push pull, unreliability, and what I can only call crazy behaviors. Our sex is amazing and I love her when she is fully present in our relationship, but the price is too steep. She gets to run away and blame her attachment style and I can get and deserve much better than that. What happened in your situation? Did she come back again? Did you reunite?
I believe my ex is FA. She broke up with me while completely in love with me. I'm completely in love with her. We've agreed we could see ourselves getting married. She told me as we were breaking up and I was professing my undying love and my belief we're worth a chance, that she was afraid she'll be a ghost for me. While that's true and I think no matter where I go in life, I'll always wonder what could have been with us, I also kinda fear that I'll become a phantom ex for her. The difference in our experiences is that, while she'll be a person I always wonder about, I don't think i'll associate her with an inability on my part to deserve love, whereas with her, I fear that this will feed into her own internal narrative that she'll perpetually ruin every relationship she gets into. I hate the idea that might happen. I love her so much and wish she'd reach out to start healing her inner child but I fear she might be too scared to actually do so.
@@CeeP211 I see her around almost daily now. I’ve moved on. She waves and I’m polite and wave back. She’s around my house a lot now driving by, but I’m better off without her. After healing and growing I’ve realized how disgusting of a person she was and although I love her so much, I don’t want her. It would take a lot that she would never give in order for me to give that relationship another chance. I’ve grown past her, she went back to her old life and I grew out of what we had. Today, I’m healthy, happy, confident, I meet people and women come to me. And I’m happy alone, if they don’t add value to my life, I go on. I spend a lot of time alone now, on purpose, I spend my days on the river fishing, alone, because I want to be alone and soak it in. Only in a few weeks, I’ll be taking a lady out either me. She’s a sweetheart and a good person, and we’re spending time together. Found out her and my ex went to school together haha comical, so hey ex finds out about this I’m sure she’ll pop in and reach out to me. But I’m past it. I don’t want what was. I’ve built myself into better and I won’t go back to anything similar to it. I love her so much, always will. But I’ll love her from afar. She held me back. She made me think I was the one holding her back after all those years, only now I see the truth. She’s where she was before and I’ve grown. I was honest, I was kind and faithful, I was up an hour early before her to make sure she had breakfast and coffee and a lunch packed for work, I brought her food on my off days so we could eat outside and hang out for a half hour. She lost someone that would’ve never given up on her, I just lost weight is all. I see it now. And like I said, I love her and I always will, but I deserved better and I realized it. So now, I’ll see her and she’ll wave, I’ll wave back, and I go on with my day. But I’m sure one of these days she will reach out. She’s now starting to see that I’m better off without her and in general. She can’t have that. So she will interrupt my peace again. It’s only a matter of time.
My FA ex broke up with me a few weeks ago. I will always believe it was a huge mistake triggered by her deactivating. I'm still super destroyed by this. I want her back. 2 weeks after the breakup I gave her a very early morning ride to the airport because he grandpa had just died. I wanted to have no contact. But if the way for me to win my ex back is to not offer her a ride to the airport so she can go to her grandpa's funderal, I don't know if the relatonship is truly worth salvaging. Anyways, when I went into her apartment to get her suitcase, I used her bathroom and saw my toothbrush was still in its place. She is a tidy person. This cant have been an accident. When you talk about going into a stage of denial it made me think of this. WHY oh why does she still have this symbolic thing around? Why oh why did she leave a like on the vegan dating app with me, text me to explain she left the like on accident? Ask if I was on the app for friends or romance? People in the comments are saying dating a FA is exhausting and sure. It is. But I love her to her very core.
I had/have 2 situations: -if I have just normal feelings for someone I can let go enough easily when the relationship ends (well, a bit of resentment but then I'm ok) - if I have strong feelings, and especially if I break up because I'm terrified and run away, I have a really hard time (this happened during secondary school, twice with the same guy and spent the following 8 years struggling). Now that I was with another FA and he run away for the same reason, I'm really struggling because I know what happened and I know he left because he was terrified of his feelings. He even popped up again last week searching for me on the usual streets I use and it was like nothing happened, checked my stories during the morning and then he disappeared again. Now I'm giving him space and actually hope he will come back to try again, considering that he has started therapy
Boo F’ing Hoo. I’m over making excuses for inconsiderate and inconsistent behavior. We all have something from our childhood that we can use as an excuse or we can stop telling ourselves the story and create a new future. It’s about self awareness. My DA did it twice to me , 30 years apart, and when he ghosted this time actually admitted (when we had a brief convo) that he probably subconsciously loved me but was afraid to lose his freedom. Nothing was wrong in our relationship, we were too comfortable. But then he got upset when I told him we couldn’t be friends even on FB. Said it was important he see what was happening to me..he had a void he needed to fill. Can’t have it both ways. Move on folks. They live a fantasy life in their heads and you are not fairly represented.
As an (fa) man, you have represented my experience during my last last break up exceptionally accurately. I reached out after 2 weeks to see if i was wrong to break up, i was an anxious wreck. She (da) unconsciously confirmed that she wasn't going to change, so i went scorched earth with my feelings and began deconstructing every positive feeling i had to the point that i saw loving her as foolish of me to ease the pain of my broken heart. It didn't work. I didn't start healing until I felt the pain 3/ 4 months later. In the process, i discovered my attachment style and worked on my childhood trauma. Im not 100% secure attachment yet, but im no longer accepting breadcrumbs. Im not taking things personally. But i am a little disheartened by the reality that the dating pool isn't as bountiful as i once would have considered. On the plus side, I'm not wasting my time with those people waving red flags
Idk what to think of my situation. I really feel like I’m in a small percentage group. After over a year I still want my ex back and my love for her has not went down a single ounce. I’ve been in nc the entire time and have only responded when she’s reached out. I’ve worked on myself and have attempted to move forward with different women but my ex still occupies so much of my mind so I end it. I’ve upgraded myself in such a way that I’m overwhelmed by how proud I am for sticking with it. I also have been seeing the same numbers everywhere and was told those could be angel numbers working with my manifestations and let me know that she will come back with more time and patience.
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY FA's don't. It triggers their DA and they hate you for it, feel trapped by you giving a sh*t etc - same as if you treat them normally, they say you're abandoning them and hate you for it. By all means give them two strikes, but on the third just get out and don't waste any more of your time. Put simply, these people are emotional vampires. Once they've bled you dry and / or driven you around the bend trying to help them treat you like a normal human being, the "incredible undying love" they say they feel for you will die overnight, usually for some reason they just can't ever explain...
I’m a FA healing from a breakup with a situationship with a DA, I’m really struggling to meet the needs he once met. Like I understand that he made me feel seen, heard, and validated and brought alot of joy/playfulness into my life and I’ve embraced the playfulness and I started seeing (paying more attention to myself and my needs) but the validating myself and feeling my emotions is haaaard and can be confusing for me. Any advice?
can i ask you something? my ex is FA. we had an argument and she ghosted me 10 days. i finally say my goodbye nicely. she texted me “ i’m sorry i’m a loser, i’m sorry for treating you so badly, i’m sorry for abandoning you, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry for my bad behaviour, i’m sorry if i made you overthink over everything that u did in the past that i wish i never did any of those things to you. you deserve someone new who’s gonna treat you well, you’re so special and i can’t handle you. i wish you well and i will never forget us.” what do i have to do if i want her back? i didn’t understand.. i love her very much. please help me understand from FA POV.
After watching some of your videos… I can’t tell if I’m becoming more secure or if I’m a FA. The part about reaching out and dredging up clues, then not getting the kind of response I want, and then going avoidant, really resonates with me. After 2 months I reached out a few times and was getting responses quickly, but I think I was hoping she would be a little more flirtatious or at least match my energy and maintain the conversation better. When I didn’t see that, I decided to stop reaching out and just try to move on for good and I think mentally I am at the point where I don’t think I’d ever be able to feel truly valued if we ever got into a relationship. When I say I’ve been avoidant, I don’t mean I’m ignoring her, I just mean I have tried to block her out of my thoughts and don’t interact with her in ANY way. Kind of like she’s dead to me (in a nice way).
I will tell you that being with a FA will make a person shift FA because you're legit being put through the trauma of them pulling away etc etc. Move on, heal and don't mess with any kind of avoidant if they haven't healed
@@michaelmich00 Yes, because she told me to not talk to her… obviously in that moment she felt that way. What was I supposed to do? Disrespect her request?
MY FA keeps blocking me unblocking me , then texts me but when i respond she says 'we have broken up ' i need space ... then she reached out today and said 'hi, do you want me to refund anything?' i said im giving you ur space are you throwing everythign away i gave you' she replied no , so i jsut liked the comment but i love her deeply, too deeply im an AP but have good boundaries not in a relationship but in one they go out the window , and im not sure why we even broke up this time around , she went on hopliday with her friend before that said she needed space but just a few days before we were so good , i just think she cheated at this point she used the its not you its me , we dont invest the same
so...what about if they were molested by a grandparent and felt that they couldn't tell family because they felt responsible for their parent's response (i.e..rage that would lead to criminal charges on the parent). They also had a mother who had a traumatic upbringing and was atypically feminine emotionally and who put emphasis on logic over emotion.
But this can’t be one sided. How do you create a way for the Fearful Avoidant to see the needs and wants and of the Anxious Preoccupied person she broke up with?
tbh my fa saw mine and at the start would lash out at critisim but i realised i was talking in the wring way change ur town level of your voice how you speak en you speak about situations they will listen
@@Investments_and_motivation My tone is always civil. I believe more in discussion more than screaming matches. I’ve been through a lot of those and from those bouts and dealing with my own CPTSD, I’ve learned that yelling is never the answer. I’ve learned that my ex was keeping a lot of herself buried deep and found it hard to share her self and her own truth. Feels like she was wearing a mask till she dropped this bombshell on me. I really don’t know what to do.
Don't take this as an attack, I'm genuinely curious: Unless you have kids or are still married but separated, why interact with your ex at all? What needs or wants should she be fulfilling if you're not in a relationship anymore?
@@Kivlor That’s a fair question. My breakup was just recent and we had almost four years together. What I knew and felt was genuine love from her, and I’m pretty sure most of you here felt the same way about your persons. I really looked at her as my forever person and we thought of the future together, traveling and experiencing new things together. There was a time she thought marriage, which is now something she fervently denies. She treated me like I was human, which at the time I was having a hard time feeling. Years of communication, understanding, inside jokes and love were abandoned and disregarded in an instant. She says this was brewing in her mind for a while now, but I think there were a few other influences happening at the time. It’s really crushed me. To answer your question, I don’t know. I know a lot of it is hopes that I’ll be able to reach her somehow and we’ll be able to repair the damage and work towards “us” again. But I also know that reaching her is impossible because, although conflicted in her feelings, her mind has been made up. She thinks this is more of a “midlife crisis” and in that case I’d say “buy a corvette”, but it’s not that simple. I’m going to have to back way the £#€% off.
You literally can't bud. They're damaged people, and unless they choose to work on themselves with LOTS of therapy, they will not change. They're more likely to stick around with other avoidants. Find someone who's healthy and leave them behind because I guarantee they won't change for you. They don't even see you as you are; they just see you as a threat/nuissance. The only time they change (which is rare) is usually when they were hurt by another avoidant. They don't give a $hit about SAs and even less about APs. They seek out other emotionally unavailable who will treat them like crap because they're damaged. Don't try to fix them. They'll resent you even more if you try.
can i ask you something? my ex is FA. we had an argument and she ghosted me 10 days. i finally say my goodbye nicely. she texted me “ i’m sorry i’m a loser, i’m sorry for treating you so badly, i’m sorry for abandoning you, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry for my bad behaviour, i’m sorry if i made you overthink over everything that u did in the past that i wish i never did any of those things to you. you deserve someone new who’s gonna treat you well, you’re so special and i can’t handle you. i wish you well and i will never forget us.” what do i have to do if i want her back? i didn’t understand.. i love her very much. please help me understand from FA POV.
She’s probably just as confused as you are. It might be best to focus on you at the moment. It feels like if you were to reach out to rekindle things, you’ll get stuck in the same up and down cycle. There’s something in her that doesn’t have the ability to be in a relationship with you or probably anyone at the moment.
Does it mean anything if they still watch my stories and even post cryptic messages in their stories (places we went to, significant memories, items, etc)? Or is it just them reminiscing? I decided to mute her instead of unfollowing but she still views every story. I don’t want to read too much into it, but it seems a little odd unless they just care about me and/or are curious. When I would reach out to her now and then, she would respond pretty quickly and easily engaged, but then after a few exchanges would stop responding.
Isnt that when they do an indirect reach out, you are rewarding them that in thar way you can validatw their feelings? It is vwey difficult to reward such behavior because it might be possible it is just a breadcrumb
Ive been practicing for my x girlfriend she really messed me up emotionally and she knows it while saying im emotionally unfit to seek therapy Ive been through alot . But ill get over it . I really want to work with her I known her since we were 7yrs old Im almost 40 We broke up 2 weeks ago after 6 months of wtf is going on 😂 I love her to death. I told her im nkt going anywhere and i gave her the space she wanted. Hope she reaches out after couple of weeks ❤
Im fearful avoidant whos healing a decent bit. I can only speak for myself on this. If you want to get close to an FA you need to encourage them to open up. You need to be someone caring and understanding to work with these types if you ask me. Dating an FA is not for weak minded people. Im not trying to be rude here im just telling yall how i feel. We kinda thrive in chaos. Be kind, be honest, be understanding, encourage them to share their feelings and do NOT hurt them for stupid reasons while they try to open up. Thats a quick way for them to lpse respect for you which will cause them to close off. Again, a bit of knowledge from my personal experience. You need decent emotional intelligence to handle these types id say. A bonus tip. Dont be shallow and boring. We tend to get bored with certain types of people easily.
💯 agree 🙋♀️ I’m in Thais school now, working on it, but still relate to all the points you made, so probably didn’t do much progress yet 😆 just more aware of patterns and behaviours
Idk if it's just me, but as an FA I really don't want anyone to "encourage me to open up." I'm too hyper-vigilant for that, it sounds like you're fishing for a tool to beat me with later. Every time I have opened up in my life to a SO, my past wounds are used endlessly to browbeat me. Do I have some yearning for it? Yeah. But I know better at this point. But I've also never understood this narrative among the attachment style channels that "people don't even realize they have these patterns of behavior or why they have them." How does someone not know the narratives in their own head?
"Please cater to my every need, make me feel safe! Don't make any sudden moves that will scare me (even though everything scares me, so it's an impossible task haha). If I do get scared (when I get scared), it will always be your fault. At least that's what I'll tell myself, and I'll tell you the same (although I very well may tell you nothing and just ghost you, teehee). ...But if you make me feel safe, I will get bored, throw tantrums like a child, and leave you. (Surprise I'll leave you regardless, but I'll blame you anyway!) Teehee, we're so cute and quirky! In exchange for walking on eggshells around us and losing every bit of your self worth, we will give you nothing but heartbrake and plenty of gaslighting along the way. We not only will leave you in the end, but we will make sure to take your dignity so you can't trust yourself or anyone else again. Teehee, we're so cute. But we're so worth it. I mean, DON'T YOU KNOW we have TRAUMA, you jerk! It's not our fault and we won't change, so get used to it or GTFO!!! But aw, why does everyone always leave us 😢"
😂 spot on, in my experience. Sorry, not sorry…but you’re an adult. Take responsibility and accountability for your “trauma” and get help or don’t bother dating and dragging other people into your personal misery
No, thank you. Heal yourself. We don’t have to take care of you, and even if we do, we are the ones getting hurt at the end. I’m not going to waste my time in someone who most of the times doesn’t want to be healed. So don’t put that responsibility on others.
May I ask what are the similarities between someone having a FA attachment style and someone who suffers from BPD in a high functioning form? The two seem remarkably similar. Is BPS a subset of FA (where all with BPD exhibit FA behaviour but not the reverse) or are they completely different paradigms and any similarities are coincidental.
@Scott I don't know how to take this comment, are you saying that more people out there are probably FA than this; or that the attention should be focused more elsewhere? And if so, where, in your opinion, who would need it more?
I felt shamed to myself, I haven’t talked to my FA for 8 months (November 27 last time we talk) and now I want to repair the trust that was broken. She wants me than any other guy, but not sure she relationship or she single post on her profile says single. I am secure with a small anxious only.
How attachment styles work with people on spectrum? I'm on spectrum and just curious, not late diagnosis, known since I was 7. I wonder about how being diagnosed at age 7 and going through severe punishment for showing my autistic traits in school but never at home. At home I was always accepted as normal. Saw a psychologist and I'm mostly secure possibly secondary dismissive avoidant. Which I think kind of make sense as I mask my true self to survive and feel if they found out I'm on spectrum I'd be rejected. Which I've found is not actually true as people I do tell inform me the always suspected and have already accepted me. After that I'm far more secure.
She broke up with me for the second time at the end of January. 3 year relationship.. it’s been almost 2 months since we spoke. I tried reaching out and she ghosted me. Is it over? Can anyone with this attachment style shed some light?
@@jordantewari sucks man. I’m so sorry bro. I’m going thru something similar, not to your situations extreme. Idk if she’s bipolar too, but she’s definitely an FA. Pretty devastating
I'm (AP) in a very weird situation with a DA or FA. I've posted a version of this somewhere else already. But writing it out, makes me process it better. We're very good friends and all platonic, but i'm in love with her and quite certain she is too, but she denies it. We've seen each other like once a month, roughly and know each other for 2 years. I kinda have initiated no contact for now. Why i think she's into me too, although she denies it? Have told each other our lifes stories. We have been very vulnerable with each other. She won't even take a cigarette from me and always insists on paying for stuff (like drinks and snacks), so i sometimes have to slow/stop her from doing it. I had to take her christmas present back home, lol. We made each other matiching tattoos (her idea to make a matching one. I just wanted one from her). Also there's a lot of mixed signals everytime. And she always pulls back immediately when i don't act on them (quick enough). Usually she mentiones her situat.... i mean "boyfriend" quickly after. And because we know each other for 2 years already, i don't think it's just infatuation, but waaay deeper. Because of her i have overcome a lot of my AP issues. Not everything. but a lot. But i became self-aware because of her. And since she's diagnosed with BPD, i researched all about BPD, NPD Trauma bond and attachment theory. It feels, like i have half a degree, lol. I had a literal identity crisis (or "spiritual awakening") over it. Since i am much more secure now. lost a lot of my anxiety and recognized her behavior, i tried to push our relationship further (verbally, not physically) to break the barrier. Of course she is running. She mostly gives non-answers about her feelings towards me. When i ask "why are you actually not into me? I'd like to know, because we understand each other so well" i get "You're just a friend". When i ask "Is it my looks or something?" I still get "No you're just a friend" When i ask "Is it A) Are you really not into me? or B) Are you in a way, that scares you?" I don't get A or B as answer. I get "I love you not like that. You will always just be a friend to me" She always dodges the actual answer i want to get from her and leaves the door a tiny bit open. Otherwise she would just have answered A. I think i get it. She isn't ready for a comitted relationship, where she is as vulnerable, as she has been with me. I think this is overall very tricky for her identity itself, because i am probably more or less the only one she knows, she did not spread her legs for. I am pretty sure, i could just "take" what i want, but i would not enjoy that. i've been in a situationship with a BPD induvidual before. Just saying. But i have not seen the vulnerable side of that person. And since my AP side is still not entirely fixed, i rug pulled her with a giant text (rant) about how she's treating me. Mostly about her lying and her mixed signals. In very large detail. And that i will stop chasing her, because it's not mentally healthy for both of us and that we either should give it a try or not see each other (for now, until i'm over it). Basically gave her the choise. "We" decided to take a break. I am not blocked and she made a status update, that i could see, meaning did not exclude me from it. And she looks at mine. She generally has never (shown herself to) been really angry with me. The only time, where she was rather subtly very mean, that i can think of, is when our first (not-a-)date wasn't going anywhere. We initially knew each other from work. Everybody thought we were a thing. When she left to another workplace, we lost contact for like half a year and it was the first time we saw each other again. I call it (not-a)date, because when i ask her if it was a date or not, she just answers "but we're just friends". See a pattern yet? It's been a month and i miss her terribly. But i give it a few more weeks until i reach out and probably apologize, that she got it all at once from me. But from then on, her behavior must change a bit. She at least has to genuinely try to change things. Not overnight of course. And not all at once. She has tried, but also done it before. And i will have to still forgive a lot of things. But doormat days are over. And i think she knows. Other than leaving it entirely, to my knowledge, I think there's only one option here, that makes sense to try: Try to break the barrier without """actually""" committing to each other, basically have an on/off thing, that sometimes gets the relationship label, until she sorts herself out and i become a safe place to run back to, until she gets tired in the long run and stays. In other words, use this situation to fight my AP endboss and become her DA/FA endboss while i'm doing it. This was basically my first thought, when i saw her for the first time: You're endboss material. (But hey... psst..... She is actually really nice and i am the endboss myself and i just saw myself in the mirror)
what do you think? 😅 what could you do? go to her house? go to her work place? waiting for her in the middle of the street?😅 sorry but it's kinnda funny! just go on with your life and stop reaching out to her. You did your part. Now she knows where to find you if she wants to 😊. Good luck!!!
Personal opinion, as an FA: If my wife went 5 weeks of NC, I'd be done. There'd be nothing to do. I'd ignore her reaching out, unless it was a very serious apology text, asking to meet to apologize in person. And even then, I'd probably still just ignore her. If she doesn't like me so much that she'd take off and not talk to me that long, there's nothing to salvage in my mind.
How can you claim that you’re going to be getting rid of the break up fast in your by taking your courses that’s gonna very deceiving and not appreciated
@@brennam954 yeah..im being breadcrumbed. Also, her mental state has deteriorated since we broke up and she seems to lack capability for a relationship
Hi I had fa partner he broke up with 1/5 months ago , then he come back very indirect we were toghether for few days then he broke up again, we had Appartement and financial things toghether every 2 weeks he tell me that I have stuff if you or if I send him some bills he wants too meet to take his stuff that he has still at home , last time I refuse by telling I have something to do and let’s do it later , I really confused that he want to keep connecting with this type if going and come back or he is really move on?
sorry but you are wasting your time. i've been there, you are trying to fix somebody who doest realise he has a problem. . it's like teaching a horse to sing....
What does it mean when a DA reaches out indirectly after 4 months of no contact and it happened to be on my birthday so he said happy birthday and then a few weeks later showed up at my work ( I work in a restaurant) and again later texted saying he hoped I wasn’t annoyed. But now it’s been a few more weeks of no contact. What does it mean? Just breadcrumbing or is he having regrets?
It shows he's not actually remorseful and hasn't changed (no apology or clear regret nor asking to give him another chance). He's testing you to see if you'll tolerate more of his bs, knowing you probably miss him. I would tell him to leave you alone and that you're done. He's playing games with you. (In other words, yes, it is sort of like breadcrumbing.)
So you’re doing no contact and your DA ex reached out to you indirectly several times? Were you engaging in the conversation or just short and brief? Seems like he may have been testing the waters and to see if you were receptive to trying again.
@@salvomig2368yes no contact and he reached out first and I did respond short and sweet and then the second time again I just responded short and now it’s been 6 weeks and nothing.
@@brennam954wow, you read that situation very well. You pointed out that instead of an apology it was: "let me see if my old seductive tactics still work on you". I appreciate your comment.
@Breezy8a Glad it was helpful. I'm so tired of people who act like this. They're most of the dating pool at this point, which is why I'm familiar with the behavior.
Wow, I love how you wrote/articulated all of that! Hope it's all going well for you ay?! **(being) the safe place always catches me too, And endboss in either sense, is pretty fucking cool 😋
Kind of off topic, but I want to remind everybody in the comments to be more compassionate. I do get that you are hurt, but please, stop demonizing FAs or DAs. And saying that you are secure but wishing everybody to avoid FAs. You are not secure if you have such reaction, probably an AP or FA yourself.
Exactly: people should be able to express themselves… if you think about it, finding those comments means they are trying to understand, and that they most probably have been compassionate a long time… If you wanna silent them, just watch why you feel compelled to do that. ❤
We were compassionate for a long time, for people that aren't most of the time because they lack the emotional capacity. Also that's just not true, EVERYONE will eventually get anxious with an avoidant, because that's a normal reaction when you don't get your needs met, don't ever feel secure etc. That's what most avoidants don't get, we aren't necessariliy anxiously attached, they make us
Please get over yourself, avoidants especially FAs are a waste of time, problematic,and un attractive to all secure people and guess what? We have the right to voice these observations about avoidants in the comments 😳. Remember that the next time you want to act in a way that will cause people to talk the way they do about avoidants and their behaviour. You earn your own reputation as a group of people with your behaviour and ' feel sorry for me and enable my behaviour attitudes' nobody is out here making stuff up. It is what it is.
No, it's not tht. We are looking for different things,I'll leave space for looking for the same things but definitely we don't need all to go through passion of the Christ to get there. Your growth is your growth - 50% of relationship as well. Not coming up to it and it's too much - there is a line. 😅 So yeah... Rethink it
The label itself is a means to define a pattern of behavior so that it can be referenced easily. Calling the label "reductive and ableist" is reductive and non-constructive.
Fearful Avoidants! Let us know how you feel once a relationship is done once and for all
First relief, then nothing for a long time until like months, years later it randomy hits you...
First, kinda numb, then all the emotions. Then I work on processing my way through them until I reach a point of indifference. After some more time, I feel empathy for us both and wish us both well. Never ever do I want to go back. Also I should add, I usually feel they lost me.
Thx 4 sharing @@gal1l1l-f7c
If you break up with someone in a horrible way, it's not enough to do an indirect reach out hoping you get the response you're looking for. Take accountability for yourself, apologize and say that you messed up.
Wish them well and let them go. You can't love them enough to change what's going on in their damaged emotional mind.
Don't take them back once they let you go because it just sets up a yo-yo cycle
agreed
I believe this! That’s why when my FA ended, he came back for 2-3 weeks trying to indirectly reconnect. I made a definitive decision. I asked him to not contact me anymore. I haven’t heard back from him. I miss him and wish him well. But I don’t trust him, he’s not safe, and for me being a SA that’s not healthy to return to something or someone that doesn’t serve you or them at y’all highest good. ✨🙏🏽💚
@JohnBoulding Any love you have is wasted on them. They are incapable of receiving love and will use your love as a weapon against you. As soon as they start to pull away, take that for what it is and just leave them. They will play victim and say how you "abandoned" them even though they were literally about to do the same to you, and without warning. But that's how it goes with them.
How selfish are some people. They will discard you, ignore you and likely monkey branch to another guy, but how dare you move on and see someone else......
Toxic AF.
@@umerwani1178no I’m secure. My FA didn’t speak to me for four months, came back and was treating me like I committed murder because I dared to go out and date again
Try "hurting" instead of toxic. Some of us never learned that love can be save.
@@MadameKnows no it’s toxic. Call it whatever word that makes you feel better for how you treat others that only tried to love you.
@@bobbooey45 yeah no. Try to understand before trying to be understood. Not everyone recives love kn the same way as others. Saying "just take my love as i give it to you" just doesnt cut it when the person on the receiving end cant feel loved that way. Problem is: everyone is just interested in their own needs and doesnt care for the inner world of others. And who told you that i act that way? I dont. I am aware of my triggers and my actions and am more on the secure side. So maybe you should reconsider judging people
HEALING iS A CHIOCE. As an adult you should be taking responsibility for your life and its dysfunctional patterns in relating to yourself and others. . Things they choose to do to keep themselves "safe" , causes lots of hurt and damage within relationships. Give them and yourself the gift of leaving the connection.. Healing is a chioce❤
When my FA texted me two years later, I responded "who is this?" He actually responded with his name ( knew who it was, I had renamed his contact "Crumbs") And I never replied. It was extremely empowering.
After 2 years of trying really hard to help my FA girlfriend, I'm done. A lot of effort on my side and none on hers. Meeting every week or two weeks (she was always busy and never had the time for me). Never got to meet her family, never been hugged, cuddled, intimacy close to never (I always had to initiate all, I never felt being truly wanted). She made me feel worthless and completely unimportant. I have a safe attachment style but enough is enough. I'm bailing out to save myself and not to go crazy. Just had a fight with her a few days ago where I spilled out all my sorrows and since then went no contact and hope she will never contact me again. I'm mentally exhausted. Never again, if you see a FA run for your life.
She sounds more DA to me.
@@lisawilson624I agree. At least FA has an anxious side that craves intimacy and will give in and self reflect.
@@lisawilson624I agree Lisa. That's typical DA behavior as FA needs intimacy.
Similar to what the call flat affect...no difference......no matter what you do....like my x..very upsetting.. you must leave
Couldn’t this person exhibit both FA and DA behaviors? I know that this is the way my ex feels. I have to look at her avoidant attachment style with both lenses
All very true but I’m not sure the second phase is swinging avoidant, at least for me. After trying, trying, during the relationship, it ending, me maybe reaching out, if by then there is no response, I’m ready to move on. You make a very good point about the stories we tell ourselves, though. Thinking we weren’t good enough or that the other never cared makes the whole process so much tougher.
I feel the same!
Same
can i ask you something? my ex is FA. we had an argument and she ghosted me 10 days. i finally say my goodbye nicely. she texted me “
i’m sorry i’m a loser, i’m sorry for treating you so badly, i’m sorry for abandoning you, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry for my bad behaviour, i’m sorry if i made you overthink over everything that u did in the past that i wish i never did any of those things to you. you deserve someone new who’s gonna treat you well, you’re so special and i can’t handle you. i wish you well and i will never forget us.” what do i have to do if i want her back? i didn’t understand.. i love her very much. please help me understand from FA POV.
@@nadyaiqmalia3001 Keep walking away.
@@nadyaiqmalia3001 IMO she feels tremendous guilt. However, unless she's actively working on healing her traumas sadly this on and off pattern will continue. There are a ton of videos on the PDS youtube channel to help wrap your head around this. Best of luck!
Thais, you're saving lives here, especially mine! I can't thank you enough. I'm a recovering DA who just broke up with an FA around Valentine's Day. Now I'm in your school, doing the work and plan to one day help others to recover. You're such an encouragement and blessing! Keep it up we need this every day!❤
You are so welcome and I am so happy you found us and are in the school! You will help others for sure! :)
So basically they never care enough to put effort in the relationship or work on themselves. They just don’t care.
Precisely. They can barely manage themselves
I just ended it with my avoidant and I know she's gonna come back when she realizes What just happened but If she comes back she's gonna have to play on my terms.
Ultimatums are really toxic. Learn to set boundaries instead.
That goes for everyone here too just embrace what you have and know that if the person has good intent not to be angry at them anymore and be by yourself and happy.
I’ve finally reached the other side. A lot of times I still feel them with me and the frustration is gone. I spent nights where I’d wake up in the morning shaking because I was afraid their family would try something dangerous. It wasn’t right how she left the way she did and blocked me on everything. However, it’s not my place to try and fix things anymore. I know they love me and I love them with all my heart too. I just had to not try to fix things and it will all workout the way it’s supposed to.
My ex is FA and doesn’t give a flying F*ck, I’m trying to not care about her, I was the one who would have done anything for her but I’m not being walked over I get she got badly hurt in her younger years, I tried to help her to deal with it but she shut me out and then gave me a load of BS excuses as to why we are splitting up
@@harry-james-books100% it’s a tough pill to swallow with this type of person. All the “you’re my soulmate” talk gets extinguished over night. I took my ex back once and am in the same boat now. They’re almost narcissistic like. Total discard
Sounds like you dated the same woman I dated.
All in one u just can't win with them.
I've fought for my FA Ex for a LONG time, Two weeks ago, a switch clicked in me. And I moved forward with my life. Genuinely moved forward. The problem is, She has a history for poppin up when she thinks that has happened. And I was always there to try again because i really loved her and believed in growing together, Only now, I have no interest in going back to that relationship. I love her with all my heart but I'm passed it. Yall think she will feel that and pop back up again? I think so. So we shall see, I'm seeing other people now, after all these months i took to myself. I'm happy, I'm back to my old self. What do ya'll think? I know for certain She was madly in love with me and there is no other man in her life that has held the spot i did. What do ya'll think?
Don't look back. You did the hardest part: You pulled the FA needle out of your arm.
Keep moving on and doing great without them.
My story is so similar to yours. Historically my fa will always reach back out. She loves me I believe that and I love her, BUT I'm done dealing with the push pull, unreliability, and what I can only call crazy behaviors. Our sex is amazing and I love her when she is fully present in our relationship, but the price is too steep. She gets to run away and blame her attachment style and I can get and deserve much better than that. What happened in your situation? Did she come back again? Did you reunite?
I believe my ex is FA. She broke up with me while completely in love with me. I'm completely in love with her. We've agreed we could see ourselves getting married.
She told me as we were breaking up and I was professing my undying love and my belief we're worth a chance, that she was afraid she'll be a ghost for me. While that's true and I think no matter where I go in life, I'll always wonder what could have been with us, I also kinda fear that I'll become a phantom ex for her. The difference in our experiences is that, while she'll be a person I always wonder about, I don't think i'll associate her with an inability on my part to deserve love, whereas with her, I fear that this will feed into her own internal narrative that she'll perpetually ruin every relationship she gets into. I hate the idea that might happen. I love her so much and wish she'd reach out to start healing her inner child but I fear she might be too scared to actually do so.
I think you haven't moved on.
@@CeeP211 I see her around almost daily now. I’ve moved on. She waves and I’m polite and wave back. She’s around my house a lot now driving by, but I’m better off without her. After healing and growing I’ve realized how disgusting of a person she was and although I love her so much, I don’t want her. It would take a lot that she would never give in order for me to give that relationship another chance. I’ve grown past her, she went back to her old life and I grew out of what we had. Today, I’m healthy, happy, confident, I meet people and women come to me. And I’m happy alone, if they don’t add value to my life, I go on. I spend a lot of time alone now, on purpose, I spend my days on the river fishing, alone, because I want to be alone and soak it in. Only in a few weeks, I’ll be taking a lady out either me. She’s a sweetheart and a good person, and we’re spending time together. Found out her and my ex went to school together haha comical, so hey ex finds out about this I’m sure she’ll pop in and reach out to me. But I’m past it. I don’t want what was. I’ve built myself into better and I won’t go back to anything similar to it. I love her so much, always will. But I’ll love her from afar. She held me back. She made me think I was the one holding her back after all those years, only now I see the truth. She’s where she was before and I’ve grown. I was honest, I was kind and faithful, I was up an hour early before her to make sure she had breakfast and coffee and a lunch packed for work, I brought her food on my off days so we could eat outside and hang out for a half hour. She lost someone that would’ve never given up on her, I just lost weight is all. I see it now. And like I said, I love her and I always will, but I deserved better and I realized it. So now, I’ll see her and she’ll wave, I’ll wave back, and I go on with my day. But I’m sure one of these days she will reach out. She’s now starting to see that I’m better off without her and in general. She can’t have that. So she will interrupt my peace again. It’s only a matter of time.
My FA ex broke up with me a few weeks ago. I will always believe it was a huge mistake triggered by her deactivating. I'm still super destroyed by this. I want her back.
2 weeks after the breakup I gave her a very early morning ride to the airport because he grandpa had just died. I wanted to have no contact. But if the way for me to win my ex back is to not offer her a ride to the airport so she can go to her grandpa's funderal, I don't know if the relatonship is truly worth salvaging.
Anyways, when I went into her apartment to get her suitcase, I used her bathroom and saw my toothbrush was still in its place. She is a tidy person. This cant have been an accident. When you talk about going into a stage of denial it made me think of this. WHY oh why does she still have this symbolic thing around? Why oh why did she leave a like on the vegan dating app with me, text me to explain she left the like on accident? Ask if I was on the app for friends or romance?
People in the comments are saying dating a FA is exhausting and sure. It is. But I love her to her very core.
I had/have 2 situations:
-if I have just normal feelings for someone I can let go enough easily when the relationship ends (well, a bit of resentment but then I'm ok)
- if I have strong feelings, and especially if I break up because I'm terrified and run away, I have a really hard time (this happened during secondary school, twice with the same guy and spent the following 8 years struggling).
Now that I was with another FA and he run away for the same reason, I'm really struggling because I know what happened and I know he left because he was terrified of his feelings. He even popped up again last week searching for me on the usual streets I use and it was like nothing happened, checked my stories during the morning and then he disappeared again. Now I'm giving him space and actually hope he will come back to try again, considering that he has started therapy
Boo F’ing Hoo.
I’m over making excuses for inconsiderate and inconsistent behavior. We all have something from our childhood that we can use as an excuse or we can stop telling ourselves the story and create a new future. It’s about self awareness.
My DA did it twice to me , 30 years apart, and when he ghosted this time actually admitted (when we had a brief convo) that he probably subconsciously loved me but was afraid to lose his freedom. Nothing was wrong in our relationship, we were too comfortable.
But then he got upset when I told him we couldn’t be friends even on FB. Said it was important he see what was happening to me..he had a void he needed to fill. Can’t have it both ways.
Move on folks. They live a fantasy life in their heads and you are not fairly represented.
As an (fa) man, you have represented my experience during my last last break up exceptionally accurately.
I reached out after 2 weeks to see if i was wrong to break up, i was an anxious wreck. She (da) unconsciously confirmed that she wasn't going to change, so i went scorched earth with my feelings and began deconstructing every positive feeling i had to the point that i saw loving her as foolish of me to ease the pain of my broken heart.
It didn't work. I didn't start healing until I felt the pain 3/ 4 months later. In the process, i discovered my attachment style and worked on my childhood trauma. Im not 100% secure attachment yet, but im no longer accepting breadcrumbs. Im not taking things personally. But i am a little disheartened by the reality that the dating pool isn't as bountiful as i once would have considered. On the plus side, I'm not wasting my time with those people waving red flags
😂 waving red flags proudly!
Everyone’s got problems
You mentioned when they don’t receive the answer they were looking for…can you give examples and what the general reaction would be.
Idk what to think of my situation. I really feel like I’m in a small percentage group. After over a year I still want my ex back and my love for her has not went down a single ounce. I’ve been in nc the entire time and have only responded when she’s reached out. I’ve worked on myself and have attempted to move forward with different women but my ex still occupies so much of my mind so I end it. I’ve upgraded myself in such a way that I’m overwhelmed by how proud I am for sticking with it. I also have been seeing the same numbers everywhere and was told those could be angel numbers working with my manifestations and let me know that she will come back with more time and patience.
Women can't stand it when you wait or validate them. Sadly
@@HANZELVANDERLAAYi totally respectfully disagree!
@@royaloakseskies well at least the mentally ill ones.. don't
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY FA's don't. It triggers their DA and they hate you for it, feel trapped by you giving a sh*t etc - same as if you treat them normally, they say you're abandoning them and hate you for it.
By all means give them two strikes, but on the third just get out and don't waste any more of your time.
Put simply, these people are emotional vampires.
Once they've bled you dry and / or driven you around the bend trying to help them treat you like a normal human being, the "incredible undying love" they say they feel for you will die overnight, usually for some reason they just can't ever explain...
I’m a FA healing from a breakup with a situationship with a DA, I’m really struggling to meet the needs he once met. Like I understand that he made me feel seen, heard, and validated and brought alot of joy/playfulness into my life and I’ve embraced the playfulness and I started seeing (paying more attention to myself and my needs) but the validating myself and feeling my emotions is haaaard and can be confusing for me. Any advice?
can i ask you something? my ex is FA. we had an argument and she ghosted me 10 days. i finally say my goodbye nicely. she texted me “
i’m sorry i’m a loser, i’m sorry for treating you so badly, i’m sorry for abandoning you, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry for my bad behaviour, i’m sorry if i made you overthink over everything that u did in the past that i wish i never did any of those things to you. you deserve someone new who’s gonna treat you well, you’re so special and i can’t handle you. i wish you well and i will never forget us.” what do i have to do if i want her back? i didn’t understand.. i love her very much. please help me understand from FA POV.
@@nadyaiqmalia3001FAs have a lot of guilt and shame. That’s a good thing that she was accountable and self-aware.
After watching some of your videos… I can’t tell if I’m becoming more secure or if I’m a FA. The part about reaching out and dredging up clues, then not getting the kind of response I want, and then going avoidant, really resonates with me. After 2 months I reached out a few times and was getting responses quickly, but I think I was hoping she would be a little more flirtatious or at least match my energy and maintain the conversation better. When I didn’t see that, I decided to stop reaching out and just try to move on for good and I think mentally I am at the point where I don’t think I’d ever be able to feel truly valued if we ever got into a relationship. When I say I’ve been avoidant, I don’t mean I’m ignoring her, I just mean I have tried to block her out of my thoughts and don’t interact with her in ANY way. Kind of like she’s dead to me (in a nice way).
you are gone 2months, cause pain in someone and expect them to flirt back? you are FA for sure, not secure. pls heal for yourself
I will tell you that being with a FA will make a person shift FA because you're legit being put through the trauma of them pulling away etc etc. Move on, heal and don't mess with any kind of avoidant if they haven't healed
@@michaelmich00 Yes, because she told me to not talk to her… obviously in that moment she felt that way. What was I supposed to do? Disrespect her request?
@@kzmademe1099 100% agree
MY FA keeps blocking me unblocking me , then texts me but when i respond she says 'we have broken up ' i need space ... then she reached out today and said 'hi, do you want me to refund anything?' i said im giving you ur space are you throwing everythign away i gave you' she replied no , so i jsut liked the comment but i love her deeply, too deeply im an AP but have good boundaries not in a relationship but in one they go out the window , and im not sure why we even broke up this time around , she went on hopliday with her friend before that said she needed space but just a few days before we were so good , i just think she cheated at this point she used the its not you its me , we dont invest the same
She cheated, you're right. Don't even bother, you don't need someone like that.
@@hurricaneaquaticsyesss
I'm trying to be optimistic, but she said she's gonna work on her marriage long term. That what would she be if she didn't try.
so...what about if they were molested by a grandparent and felt that they couldn't tell family because they felt responsible for their parent's response (i.e..rage that would lead to criminal charges on the parent). They also had a mother who had a traumatic upbringing and was atypically feminine emotionally and who put emphasis on logic over emotion.
But this can’t be one sided. How do you create a way for the Fearful Avoidant to see the needs and wants and of the Anxious Preoccupied person she broke up with?
tbh my fa saw mine and at the start would lash out at critisim but i realised i was talking in the wring way change ur town level of your voice how you speak en you speak about situations they will listen
@@Investments_and_motivation My tone is always civil. I believe more in discussion more than screaming matches. I’ve been through a lot of those and from those bouts and dealing with my own CPTSD, I’ve learned that yelling is never the answer. I’ve learned that my ex was keeping a lot of herself buried deep and found it hard to share her self and her own truth. Feels like she was wearing a mask till she dropped this bombshell on me. I really don’t know what to do.
Don't take this as an attack, I'm genuinely curious: Unless you have kids or are still married but separated, why interact with your ex at all? What needs or wants should she be fulfilling if you're not in a relationship anymore?
@@Kivlor That’s a fair question. My breakup was just recent and we had almost four years together. What I knew and felt was genuine love from her, and I’m pretty sure most of you here felt the same way about your persons. I really looked at her as my forever person and we thought of the future together, traveling and experiencing new things together. There was a time she thought marriage, which is now something she fervently denies. She treated me like I was human, which at the time I was having a hard time feeling.
Years of communication, understanding, inside jokes and love were abandoned and disregarded in an instant. She says this was brewing in her mind for a while now, but I think there were a few other influences happening at the time. It’s really crushed me.
To answer your question, I don’t know. I know a lot of it is hopes that I’ll be able to reach her somehow and we’ll be able to repair the damage and work towards “us” again. But I also know that reaching her is impossible because, although conflicted in her feelings, her mind has been made up. She thinks this is more of a “midlife crisis” and in that case I’d say “buy a corvette”, but it’s not that simple.
I’m going to have to back way the £#€% off.
You literally can't bud. They're damaged people, and unless they choose to work on themselves with LOTS of therapy, they will not change. They're more likely to stick around with other avoidants. Find someone who's healthy and leave them behind because I guarantee they won't change for you. They don't even see you as you are; they just see you as a threat/nuissance. The only time they change (which is rare) is usually when they were hurt by another avoidant. They don't give a $hit about SAs and even less about APs. They seek out other emotionally unavailable who will treat them like crap because they're damaged. Don't try to fix them. They'll resent you even more if you try.
can i ask you something? my ex is FA. we had an argument and she ghosted me 10 days. i finally say my goodbye nicely. she texted me “
i’m sorry i’m a loser, i’m sorry for treating you so badly, i’m sorry for abandoning you, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry for my bad behaviour, i’m sorry if i made you overthink over everything that u did in the past that i wish i never did any of those things to you. you deserve someone new who’s gonna treat you well, you’re so special and i can’t handle you. i wish you well and i will never forget us.” what do i have to do if i want her back? i didn’t understand.. i love her very much. please help me understand from FA POV.
She’s probably just as confused as you are. It might be best to focus on you at the moment. It feels like if you were to reach out to rekindle things, you’ll get stuck in the same up and down cycle. There’s something in her that doesn’t have the ability to be in a relationship with you or probably anyone at the moment.
Does it mean anything if they still watch my stories and even post cryptic messages in their stories (places we went to, significant memories, items, etc)? Or is it just them reminiscing?
I decided to mute her instead of unfollowing but she still views every story. I don’t want to read too much into it, but it seems a little odd unless they just care about me and/or are curious. When I would reach out to her now and then, she would respond pretty quickly and easily engaged, but then after a few exchanges would stop responding.
Thanks!
Isnt that when they do an indirect reach out, you are rewarding them that in thar way you can validatw their feelings? It is vwey difficult to reward such behavior because it might be possible it is just a breadcrumb
Thank you for your thoughtful content.
Ive been practicing for my x girlfriend she really messed me up emotionally and she knows it while saying im emotionally unfit to seek therapy
Ive been through alot .
But ill get over it .
I really want to work with her
I known her since we were 7yrs old
Im almost 40
We broke up 2 weeks ago after 6 months of wtf is going on 😂
I love her to death.
I told her im nkt going anywhere and i gave her the space she wanted.
Hope she reaches out after couple of weeks ❤
Well..I don't regret loosing anyone and I did my best while I was in the relationship..so there is no going back..sorry
Im fearful avoidant whos healing a decent bit.
I can only speak for myself on this.
If you want to get close to an FA you need to encourage them to open up. You need to be someone caring and understanding to work with these types if you ask me.
Dating an FA is not for weak minded people. Im not trying to be rude here im just telling yall how i feel.
We kinda thrive in chaos.
Be kind, be honest, be understanding, encourage them to share their feelings and do NOT hurt them for stupid reasons while they try to open up. Thats a quick way for them to lpse respect for you which will cause them to close off.
Again, a bit of knowledge from my personal experience.
You need decent emotional intelligence to handle these types id say.
A bonus tip. Dont be shallow and boring. We tend to get bored with certain types of people easily.
💯 agree 🙋♀️ I’m in Thais school now, working on it, but still relate to all the points you made, so probably didn’t do much progress yet 😆 just more aware of patterns and behaviours
Idk if it's just me, but as an FA I really don't want anyone to "encourage me to open up." I'm too hyper-vigilant for that, it sounds like you're fishing for a tool to beat me with later. Every time I have opened up in my life to a SO, my past wounds are used endlessly to browbeat me. Do I have some yearning for it? Yeah. But I know better at this point.
But I've also never understood this narrative among the attachment style channels that "people don't even realize they have these patterns of behavior or why they have them." How does someone not know the narratives in their own head?
"Please cater to my every need, make me feel safe! Don't make any sudden moves that will scare me (even though everything scares me, so it's an impossible task haha). If I do get scared (when I get scared), it will always be your fault. At least that's what I'll tell myself, and I'll tell you the same (although I very well may tell you nothing and just ghost you, teehee).
...But if you make me feel safe, I will get bored, throw tantrums like a child, and leave you. (Surprise I'll leave you regardless, but I'll blame you anyway!) Teehee, we're so cute and quirky!
In exchange for walking on eggshells around us and losing every bit of your self worth, we will give you nothing but heartbrake and plenty of gaslighting along the way. We not only will leave you in the end, but we will make sure to take your dignity so you can't trust yourself or anyone else again. Teehee, we're so cute. But we're so worth it. I mean, DON'T YOU KNOW we have TRAUMA, you jerk! It's not our fault and we won't change, so get used to it or GTFO!!!
But aw, why does everyone always leave us 😢"
😂 spot on, in my experience. Sorry, not sorry…but you’re an adult. Take responsibility and accountability for your “trauma” and get help or don’t bother dating and dragging other people into your personal misery
No, thank you. Heal yourself. We don’t have to take care of you, and even if we do, we are the ones getting hurt at the end. I’m not going to waste my time in someone who most of the times doesn’t want to be healed. So don’t put that responsibility on others.
May I ask what are the similarities between someone having a FA attachment style and someone who suffers from BPD in a high functioning form? The two seem remarkably similar. Is BPS a subset of FA (where all with BPD exhibit FA behaviour but not the reverse) or are they completely different paradigms and any similarities are coincidental.
I am curious as well!!!
If FAs are only 5% of the population, why are there so many videos about them?
I guess it's the type that probably needs the most help and is also interested in putting in the work.
We are super present on the PDS forum. We’re the mostly highly motivated change because we know we need help.
@Scott I don't know how to take this comment, are you saying that more people out there are probably FA than this; or that the attention should be focused more elsewhere? And if so, where, in your opinion, who would need it more?
Because they destroy the other 95% watching these.
cos they leave many of us traumatised
I felt shamed to myself, I haven’t talked to my FA for 8 months (November 27 last time we talk) and now I want to repair the trust that was broken. She wants me than any other guy, but not sure she relationship or she single post on her profile says single.
I am secure with a small anxious only.
How attachment styles work with people on spectrum? I'm on spectrum and just curious, not late diagnosis, known since I was 7. I wonder about how being diagnosed at age 7 and going through severe punishment for showing my autistic traits in school but never at home. At home I was always accepted as normal. Saw a psychologist and I'm mostly secure possibly secondary dismissive avoidant. Which I think kind of make sense as I mask my true self to survive and feel if they found out I'm on spectrum I'd be rejected. Which I've found is not actually true as people I do tell inform me the always suspected and have already accepted me. After that I'm far more secure.
She broke up with me for the second time at the end of January. 3 year relationship.. it’s been almost 2 months since we spoke. I tried reaching out and she ghosted me. Is it over? Can anyone with this attachment style shed some light?
Any news?
@@jordantewari yea she blocked my phone number after ghosting me. Only reached out once at the beginning of no contact.
@@schylerjohnson9216 it’s been three weeks for me. She left the state and quit her job and moved out in the span of a few days. She’s also bipolar.
@@jordantewari sucks man. I’m so sorry bro. I’m going thru something similar, not to your situations extreme. Idk if she’s bipolar too, but she’s definitely an FA. Pretty devastating
I'm (AP) in a very weird situation with a DA or FA.
I've posted a version of this somewhere else already. But writing it out, makes me process it better.
We're very good friends and all platonic, but i'm in love with her and quite certain she is too, but she denies it. We've seen each other like once a month, roughly and know each other for 2 years.
I kinda have initiated no contact for now.
Why i think she's into me too, although she denies it? Have told each other our lifes stories. We have been very vulnerable with each other. She won't even take a cigarette from me and always insists on paying for stuff (like drinks and snacks), so i sometimes have to slow/stop her from doing it. I had to take her christmas present back home, lol. We made each other matiching tattoos (her idea to make a matching one. I just wanted one from her).
Also there's a lot of mixed signals everytime. And she always pulls back immediately when i don't act on them (quick enough). Usually she mentiones her situat.... i mean "boyfriend" quickly after.
And because we know each other for 2 years already, i don't think it's just infatuation, but waaay deeper.
Because of her i have overcome a lot of my AP issues. Not everything. but a lot. But i became self-aware because of her. And since she's diagnosed with BPD, i researched all about BPD, NPD Trauma bond and attachment theory. It feels, like i have half a degree, lol. I had a literal identity crisis (or "spiritual awakening") over it.
Since i am much more secure now. lost a lot of my anxiety and recognized her behavior, i tried to push our relationship further (verbally, not physically) to break the barrier. Of course she is running.
She mostly gives non-answers about her feelings towards me. When i ask "why are you actually not into me? I'd like to know, because we understand each other so well" i get "You're just a friend".
When i ask "Is it my looks or something?" I still get "No you're just a friend"
When i ask
"Is it A) Are you really not into me?
or B) Are you in a way, that scares you?"
I don't get A or B as answer. I get "I love you not like that. You will always just be a friend to me"
She always dodges the actual answer i want to get from her and leaves the door a tiny bit open. Otherwise she would just have answered A.
I think i get it. She isn't ready for a comitted relationship, where she is as vulnerable, as she has been with me. I think this is overall very tricky for her identity itself, because i am probably more or less the only one she knows, she did not spread her legs for.
I am pretty sure, i could just "take" what i want, but i would not enjoy that.
i've been in a situationship with a BPD induvidual before. Just saying. But i have not seen the vulnerable side of that person.
And since my AP side is still not entirely fixed, i rug pulled her with a giant text (rant) about how she's treating me. Mostly about her lying and her mixed signals. In very large detail.
And that i will stop chasing her, because it's not mentally healthy for both of us and that we either should give it a try or not see each other (for now, until i'm over it). Basically gave her the choise.
"We" decided to take a break. I am not blocked and she made a status update, that i could see, meaning did not exclude me from it. And she looks at mine. She generally has never (shown herself to) been really angry with me. The only time, where she was rather subtly very mean, that i can think of, is when our first (not-a-)date wasn't going anywhere. We initially knew each other from work. Everybody thought we were a thing. When she left to another workplace, we lost contact for like half a year and it was the first time we saw each other again. I call it (not-a)date, because when i ask her if it was a date or not, she just answers "but we're just friends". See a pattern yet?
It's been a month and i miss her terribly. But i give it a few more weeks until i reach out and probably apologize, that she got it all at once from me.
But from then on, her behavior must change a bit. She at least has to genuinely try to change things.
Not overnight of course. And not all at once.
She has tried, but also done it before.
And i will have to still forgive a lot of things.
But doormat days are over. And i think she knows.
Other than leaving it entirely, to my knowledge, I think there's only one option here, that makes sense to try:
Try to break the barrier without """actually""" committing to each other, basically have an on/off thing, that sometimes gets the relationship label, until she sorts herself out and i become a safe place to run back to, until she gets tired in the long run and stays. In other words, use this situation to fight my AP endboss and become her DA/FA endboss while i'm doing it.
This was basically my first thought, when i saw her for the first time: You're endboss material.
(But hey... psst..... She is actually really nice and i am the endboss myself and i just saw myself in the mirror)
Does this also apply to someone who is DA - FA on the spectrum?
Reached out to her (FA) yesterday after around 5 weeks of NC. She didn't answer. What now?
what do you think? 😅 what could you do? go to her house? go to her work place? waiting for her in the middle of the street?😅 sorry but it's kinnda funny! just go on with your life and stop reaching out to her. You did your part. Now she knows where to find you if she wants to 😊. Good luck!!!
Personal opinion, as an FA: If my wife went 5 weeks of NC, I'd be done. There'd be nothing to do. I'd ignore her reaching out, unless it was a very serious apology text, asking to meet to apologize in person. And even then, I'd probably still just ignore her. If she doesn't like me so much that she'd take off and not talk to me that long, there's nothing to salvage in my mind.
@@Kivlor what about if you take off and go no contact? 🙂
@@Zazzazzoo if I go NC, then I've given up. Other FAs may be different
@@Kivlor 👍
How can you claim that you’re going to be getting rid of the break up fast in your by taking your courses that’s gonna very deceiving and not appreciated
Contemplating reaching out to FA ex but it’s been 4 months - too long at this point?
They are not healthy for you. Please leave them alone.
@@brennam954 yeah..im being breadcrumbed. Also, her mental state has deteriorated since we broke up and she seems to lack capability for a relationship
@@GhostDad1same situation here. I ended up telling her we should both move on and stop talking for now, then removed her socials
Hi I had fa partner he broke up with 1/5 months ago , then he come back very indirect we were toghether for few days then he broke up again, we had Appartement and financial things toghether every 2 weeks he tell me that I have stuff if you or if I send him some bills he wants too meet to take his stuff that he has still at home , last time I refuse by telling I have something to do and let’s do it later , I really confused that he want to keep connecting with this type if going and come back or he is really move on?
sorry but you are wasting your time. i've been there, you are trying to fix somebody who doest realise he has a problem. . it's like teaching a horse to sing....
What does it mean when a DA reaches out indirectly after 4 months of no contact and it happened to be on my birthday so he said happy birthday and then a few weeks later showed up at my work ( I work in a restaurant) and again later texted saying he hoped I wasn’t annoyed. But now it’s been a few more weeks of no contact. What does it mean? Just breadcrumbing or is he having regrets?
It shows he's not actually remorseful and hasn't changed (no apology or clear regret nor asking to give him another chance). He's testing you to see if you'll tolerate more of his bs, knowing you probably miss him. I would tell him to leave you alone and that you're done. He's playing games with you. (In other words, yes, it is sort of like breadcrumbing.)
So you’re doing no contact and your DA ex reached out to you indirectly several times? Were you engaging in the conversation or just short and brief? Seems like he may have been testing the waters and to see if you were receptive to trying again.
@@salvomig2368yes no contact and he reached out first and I did respond short and sweet and then the second time again I just responded short and now it’s been 6 weeks and nothing.
@@brennam954wow, you read that situation very well. You pointed out that instead of an apology it was: "let me see if my old seductive tactics still work on you".
I appreciate your comment.
@Breezy8a Glad it was helpful. I'm so tired of people who act like this. They're most of the dating pool at this point, which is why I'm familiar with the behavior.
Can you please slow down the pace at which you speak? Thank you.
You can slow the TH-cam video speed if you need to. There's a button for it.
Wow, I love how you wrote/articulated all of that!
Hope it's all going well for you ay?!
**(being) the safe place always catches me too,
And endboss in either sense, is pretty fucking cool 😋
Kind of off topic, but I want to remind everybody in the comments to be more compassionate. I do get that you are hurt, but please, stop demonizing FAs or DAs. And saying that you are secure but wishing everybody to avoid FAs. You are not secure if you have such reaction, probably an AP or FA yourself.
Everyone processes grief differently
Exactly: people should be able to express themselves… if you think about it, finding those comments means they are trying to understand, and that they most probably have been compassionate a long time… If you wanna silent them, just watch why you feel compelled to do that. ❤
We were compassionate for a long time, for people that aren't most of the time because they lack the emotional capacity. Also that's just not true, EVERYONE will eventually get anxious with an avoidant, because that's a normal reaction when you don't get your needs met, don't ever feel secure etc. That's what most avoidants don't get, we aren't necessariliy anxiously attached, they make us
Please get over yourself, avoidants especially FAs are a waste of time, problematic,and un attractive to all secure people and guess what? We have the right to voice these observations about avoidants in the comments 😳.
Remember that the next time you want to act in a way that will cause people to talk the way they do about avoidants and their behaviour. You earn your own reputation as a group of people with your behaviour and ' feel sorry for me and enable my behaviour attitudes' nobody is out here making stuff up. It is what it is.
No, it's not tht. We are looking for different things,I'll leave space for looking for the same things but definitely we don't need all to go through passion of the Christ to get there. Your growth is your growth - 50% of relationship as well. Not coming up to it and it's too much - there is a line. 😅 So yeah... Rethink it
Calling someone "thearful avoidant" is reductive and ableist.
How so? What would you call fearful avoidants instead?
The label itself is a means to define a pattern of behavior so that it can be referenced easily.
Calling the label "reductive and ableist" is reductive and non-constructive.
wow, hot take Einstein 😂
You mentioned when they don’t receive the answer they were looking for…can you give examples and what the general reaction would be.
Instant silent treatment until can correctly guess what you said that was wrong