Thank you for watching! Let me know in the comments below, how do you feel about these six surprising traits? What do you find attractive in a partner? And if you like this content, be sure to let me know, and we can make more like this!
Hi Briana, I have recently found your channel & am very grateful, I have deep attatchment wounds & just suffered a short lived attatchment AGAIN after he pulled right away after his confusing "mixed messages" I'm still in much rejection pain & looping & looping, do you do 1 on 1 coaching?
Hi Brianna Very helpful ! I watched another video you did saying how open hearts often feel there’s something wrong with them ! Are securely attached people natural fits for an avoidant ? I or would they just spend less time trying ? I struggle to understand how they wouldn’t struggle with avoidants too as well !
Very helpful video, thank you so much! I love the quick, concise style, so informative! I am anxious type, dating an avoidant for 2.5 years with no “progress” and lots of discussions about unmet expectations. I felt devalued and less worthy because he doesn’t speak about marriage/ living together. Your video explained that it’s just my explanation of it that devalues me (I felt less worthy and wanted to fix his opinion on marriage to feel better about myself). I wonder if there is a connection between Meyer Brigs personality type and attachment styles? My partner is INTP which fits so well with the avoidant type. I would be grateful for your opinion on this possible causality.
Basically, no getting close to them, close-knit family is rather a bad thing for those, they are to a certain degree cold blood people with no ability to care for family. I time they may very well die out according to evolution.
Good lord, why would I ever want to make an emotionally unavailable man fall in love? I have absolutely no desire to spend one more minute of my life in relationships where I don't get my needs met, and someone else's insecure attachment issues are their problem to resolve, not mine. I'm done being part of peoples' healing process. Come to me with your shit together or not at all.
Exactly👌 The right person is the person we feel “safe” with and we shouldn’t have to watch countless videos. Rule of thumb, if you need to continually watch relationship videos, it’s the wrong relationship
You have a responsibility to this relationship in my opinion 50/50 to connect on emotional spiritual physical level so do the work.. and if I’m asking for emotional intimacy and u get cold and your walls get hugged each time I’m sorry but NO, this isn’t normal or healthy for both parties. Yes I can 100% work on my Anxious att style but you should as well so we can be more in harmony. ❤
Thank you for your integrity. I feel like other videos on the subject fail to really capture what DA feels and needs. they make people think it's possible to change a DA. DA will only change for you if they don't feel like you are trying to change them. I really believe that if you want to be with a DA you have to be able to love yourself enough to love them unconditionally/unchanged before they will start to change. The work is never how do I make them change... but how do I grow and live well and authentically on my own
Thank you Brianna.. I fought with my fiance and it ended up canceling our wedding. I fought because he wanted something that was against a boundary of mine. It's not the first time that he tried to break this boundary of mine and get what he wants so I didn't feel loved because of that. When I made this known to everyone he left in anger. I was struggling with the decision of my actions.. but because of you I now know that I made the best decision for the both of us. I stuck to my boundary for the first time in our relationship and didn't let it go. For the first time, it felt like I really was myself and that I loved myself more than the horrible thing he wanted to do to me.
I feel these tips are applicable for any kind of relationship: 1. Consistency: You know what you want without asking what I want first. 2. Self-possession: you autorregulate. You know your worth without validation. My needs are valid no matter what. 3. You are boundaried: you have your standards and rules, you do not rush at something you do not feel ok. 4. Passionate: you are creative or have your own passions. 5. Non judgemental: you distance yourself to make assumptions. You are neutral 6. Discernment: you are clear on your needs. Yeses mean. Othi g without Noes. When “no”: confidence and solitiom oriented.
Sorry to not post a positive comment but this video seems to be 90% about how the anxious partner should change their behaviour in order to understand the avoidant. It would have been more helpful to hear what both parties have to do in order to get out of the trap.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Yes, this video is entitled how to make your avoidant partner fall in love with you. So it is explicitly for anxious folks. If you’re interested in the other perspective, I recommend watching this video. 6 Signs of Anxious Partner + Six Tips to Embrace It th-cam.com/video/gOAnqlS8QeQ/w-d-xo.html
Excellent comment. Avoidants need to want to heal their toxic traits/traumas and emotional and intimate avoidance in order for the relationship to work. Period. Hot and cold behaviours are dangerous for my emotional state and I don't want to deal with an avoidant ever again. Just my preference now. Too draining, I'm not able to build something with someone who don't want to be vulnerable and work on relationship. Willingness is important for me.
That’s because the person that’s watching these videos is the one that’s willing and ready to do what they can do to improve things. Try telling an avoidant that you’ve diagnosed them and want to help them change… and see how far you get with that. LOL
TL;DR: have strong boundaries and don't be needy. This is general dating advice that are even more true to avoidant people. It's not really special to avoidant people.
As a DA, I can attest to this. I'm always looking for a woman who has her own life outside of me. So many women I dated started out that way only to change into a "homebody" six months later (on average). 🤦🏿 "If they don't have a life outside of you, their life will BECOME you."
Thank you for sharing your perspective! It's important to have a life outside of a relationship to maintain your individuality and personal growth, for sure.
Thank you for another great video - some of the traits that you talk about are exactly what my avoidant partner has told me that he admires. Listening to your videos is mind blowing because now I understand that all my tactics to make him more committed were doomed. Avoidants are afraid of direct love gestures - I know that now - I also know what scares him and what drives him to me. Yes, it is a lot of work, and I am not sure how long I can last like that unless I see more signs of him changing. For now, I am on this roller coaster ride with him but it is far less bumpy after learning so much from you - thank you!
The man I like consumed all his time in his work, his mind and soul is all for his work it runs through his veins, so it really seems imposible to think about having relationship we're almost in our late 30's and it seems marriage is not in his mind. I want to forget this guy and move on and find someone else, but right now I'm still in love with him.
I’ve been there. Your life is waiting for you, the right relationships will not require us to watch all these videos and act or change ourselves. The right relationships are natural and don’t cause us to stress 24/7, which is super unhealthy
@@bkt1211 thank you, your message is somehow reassuring that there will be better guys that will come aside from this guy, I want to move on with my life
Absolutely. I wasted 5 years with a guy I knew would never commit fully. I gathered my strength and decided to live my life and start attending social events to ensure I was not giving any more time to guys who were wasting mine. That’s when I met a good guy and began to see the difference in what a healthy relationship might look like. Thanks to God I didn’t waste another year with my ex who was so involved with his job and living his own life. It would have been a disaster. If I can help advise any woman or man from my experience, I would say if it’s not healthy, start living your life and put yourself out there to give yourself the best chances to meet new people
If you can take so little emotional content in the relationship that you are the only one keeping the relationship together, go for it with an avoidant partner. Otherwise, run for your life.
I just want to say thank you. I came across your videos over the past few days and they have already helped me make so much sense of not only the girl I'm dating right now (textbook avoidant), but more so myself (more on the anxious side). As an IO Psychologist, I truly appreciate your insight. Keep up the great work
I'm totally okay with me which took 7 years alone. So I fell for a woman that's avoident. After 9 months I realized that I'd have to do another 7 years alone waiting for her to learn about herself while playing games. No fucking way.
I read the article on the anxious avoidant trap, one of the listed trigger phrases for avoidants was along the lines of, "i havent been given a real chance in this relationship, you've been responding to your trauma." I have to admit, this is pretty much what ive been saying this entire last year. We used to be close friends, and as soon as things went romantic, the emotional closeness stopped. I want my friend back, i stopped trying to be physical or affectionate, i couldnt deal with the random rejections, no signals, never knowing when i was in his "good graces," or not. Is there anything we can say other than "you're reacting to your trauma," that could help get the point across?? Its like he stopped seeing me entirely, as soon as he got attached he began to only see a role from the past.
You don't need to call it 'trauma'. It makes it more dramatic. I think you should stick to talking about 'attachment styles' in stead. The avoidant style can be caused by parent's emotional neglect, but also critisism, not being allowed to express (certain) emotions, bullying... and probably more. - Some of these things might not "register" as traumas for the avoidant.
Hey there, it's clear you've been going through a challenging time in your relationship. It's important to express yourself authentically without analyzing or narrating the situation for your partner. Instead of directly saying, 'you're reacting to your trauma,' you might try something like, 'ouch, that really felt like a punch to the gut, and it leaves me feeling confused because it seems disproportionate to our situation. Is it possible there's more going on here that's related to something else?' Also, I recommend watching my playlist on communication for more insights. th-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPNOMfwMvup2Ayo7AXSkAG2.html It's tough when the emotional closeness changes in a relationship. You're not alone in wanting that connection back. Sometimes, addressing these issues requires patience, understanding, and open dialogue. Let's hope your friend can see the real you beyond past roles.
The same thing is happening to me and I don't know how to reverse it. I've tried everything to get my friend back but I'm afraid of suffocating him so I'm giving him space. What a difficult situation!
This. These people need intense DBT therapy. Let them work on themselves until they become secure. Don't invest in them. They must invest in themselves.
Iam a Spice of Lifer and I am impressed how you nailed it all down Briana. Thank you. You made me cry. I always wondered what was wrong with me. I have an important characteristic to suggest under the disorganized attachment, one that is not mentioned. Spice of Lifers feel the urge to fall in love again and again. Its like a love thrill addiction. This is another main reason they withdraw from a relationship once the thrill is gone. There must be a scientific explanation behind this I bet. Thank you for this video. I desperately needed this wisdom for years now!
Thank you for this info, helps me, an avoidant, understand what turns me off and what my needs are, which I cant seem tonsee myself, all the 6 points made so much sense, thise traits are what i have found makes me attracted to someone, or not
the fingernails thing got me good. All your videos have me completely pegged, im textbook eupd. anxious attment, fear of abaonment and fear of failure. (Y)
Ugh I’ve done all this mistakes with my partner. I didn’t realize our attachment styles.. now he needs space and he says he doesn’t know if we will work out. I’m giving him space but I’m afraid I may have approached this relationship badly :/
Tell him that. Send him a text or email when you've given him enough space and tell him how you've realized that you guys express yourselves differently and that's ok. That you're happy to compromise. That miscommunications are normal and you just wanna understand him better.
Don't beat yourself up, no one teachs us these things as we grow up. And now it's only recently attachment styles have moved from psychology research and lectures to talks and books and these accessible videos. It's not all on you either, so don't go in with an I screwed up attitude! Good luck x
Everyone comes into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This one may work out or it may have just taught you a TON about yourself that you get to carry with you to your next romantic interest.
You will quickly lose yourself, by your own choosing, by tying onto their dysfunctional hitching post - its a no win for you and a win-win for them - once you are sucked in it’s hard to get out so run if you can
I relate to owning feelings and accepting they are valid - but it is not going well as I raise my standards in my relationships. I am seeing I am a burden. My daughter might be DA trending anxious (she has been highly avoidant with partners yet the two that she has let close to her she quickly becomes an anxious totally preoccupied and even gives up her frame and opinions to match the guy). Well, here I am Briana in a recurring theme - my feelings don't get to matter with my daughter or her Dad. I sucked it up for years and did not mind that much because she lived with me so being ignored by them when he was over was something I let happen because I had more time with my daughter ... I would just go do something else or listen or be busy with the dinner or clean up. Now that she lives far away though, nothing has changed. I went to spend the winter closer to her but was still a few hours away. When her Dad was flying out she wanted us all to spend some time but she booked and planned every single day with him and yet was upset when I did not want to travel and just "fit in" wherever possible in between their plans. I tried to suggest plans or meeting half way for an overnight (so like 3 hrs) but that was not reasonable. Yet it was reasonable for me to drive 6 hrs to just fit in. Due mainly to cost and taking time off it was not so easy to just come down hoping for a few scraps of her/their time. I have not ever been allowed to have a complaint with her - it is always how I am overreacting or being passive aggressive (she says) or trying to guilt trip her (she says). I have asked how I am supposed to communicate my feelings but there is no answer. There has never been a platform to address my feelings of being taken for granted. I am outright dismissed every time. Anything I say is dismissed - she has every bit of understanding for her Dad but none for me. Though I have admitted of late that I can be a bit of a pill - neither of them ever do. It doesn't matter what her dad has said to me or how he has treated me. I have been a bit of a pill as I finally set standards for not just my romance and friendships but also with my kids. No more taking mom for granted - I want a similar level of courtesy as everyone else in their lives. Not equal lol just similar --- or some ...????
Haha well done you 🎉. It's like when I get a new haircut and everyone admits it suits me better then the last but you can feel they look at you weird and are pretty uncomfortable with your new haircut and would have rather you didn't change it so they can keep the same image of you and now they're gonna have to adjust to it. Well tough. I want self improvement and you're gonna have to get used to it ^^
Yeah, I was told that I'm supposed to be able to talk about how I've been heartbroken without showing any emotion. That just isnt going to happen, so i tried via writing, and i got ignored.
Our partners are not our therapists. Whatever happened to you, you must go full force, face it to erase it. Plenty of self help books and UTube Channels. It's not that nobody cares, it's that everyone has gone through something difficult....that person can't really help you, so you're putting them in a difficult position. Jokingly, 50% of people don't care, and the other 50% are glad it's you. I had to go solo for 5 years and just work on my mind....books, journaling, forgiving, studying the Bible, focusing on just my needs, until nothing could trigger me, the emotional pain faded away. I felt content to be in my shoes for the first time. Now, I don't need anything from anyone else. Great feeling.
@@yeswing10 right, and partners are also supposed to be able to address the things that hurt with each other. Some feelings are important for them to know about.
Okay. But why would anyone want to attract/keep an emotionally unavailable man? That doesn't make sense. If anything, it should be the opposite, is it not?
Maybe she thinks try this before leaving. Because really it's because the person is hurting from childhood stuff that they are emotionally unavailable.
For me its because of my own issue..and I did nt no about those type of person..she even cheat on me after 4 months..lie to me 2 months to finaly break up with me. We had a so great connection..for 3,4 months but , indeed i was more into her. First time someone broke up with me It was so painful and still want to be with her..even after 3 months of rejection..she told me she like me etc.. and totally avoid me for days weeks. I m done but, i wanna save her but to be honest it is for me. Even if she dont bring anything to me.
Thank you I love this. You have the map for finding inner love with yourself first, which also means that you don’t judge but know your boundaries. Which leads to enough strength to be healthy enough to make better decisions. And that finally leads you to being safe enough for even someone who needs more patience and understanding. Or enough knowledge to leave a situation or person if its only the potential that holds you there. Thank you this helped a lot ❤
I have been 6 months with her..2 last months she cheated when she start avoiding me. Now its been 9 months she came back to me after 1 months and half, broke my heart 3,4 times in 9 months.
I feel you. I thought that at first- every woman I've dated has been avoidant, and maybe that's a me thing- but I also think it's a generational gap. Older men are more often avoidant, older women are more anxious (on the main, not as a whole for either); whereas Millenials and Gen-z'ers seem to be flipflopped, where many young men show anxious or at most fearful avoidant behaving, and many young women show either avoidant or fearful avoidant behaving (tho this could also be a liberal ag. conservative upbringing kinda thing). However, after being in an environment with closed-off men, I now realize what older women and my more anxious female peers are complaining about when it comes to unemotional, insecure men.
I was happily married for 42 years, and I felt a deep emotional connection. He died 3 years ago and I have been in a relationship with a new guy for a year. He passionately pursued me and I fell in love, but in a few months he withdrew physically. He had never really been affectionate with physical touch. I know I have childhood issues, but did this cause the problem?
Did he said why he withdrew? Maybe do you talk about your deceased husband often or keeping pictures/personal things of your husband in the house and your new bf doesn't feel comfortable about it.
@@eso8171 He is a widower and we met in a bereavement group. We knew each other for about 8 months before we started seeing each other exclusively. We both mention our spouses occasionally, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. I have asked him what caused him to withdraw but he just makes up a lot of B.S. excuses. He is a Dismissive Avoidant, I’ve come to believe. I’m a little on the anxious side but basically I’m pretty secure.
@@joannegild8001 I am sorry to hear I hope you'll look after yourself and that your man will figure things out. I'm in the similar situation out of the blue pushed me away.
Emotional withdrawal is the way that someone with DA traits ( sometimes stagnant for long period of times if they're mostly secure) processes emotions. It might very well have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship. Everyone needs to process their emotions somehow and the DA happens to do it this way. I had a very secure bf when I was younger. They would make me feel safe, cared for, loved and everything on a regular basis. Once in a while, every 2/3 months I don't remember exactly, they would go through a period of withdrawal when they would hardly ever say a word in 3 weeks. To be honest it wouldn't impact me as I was made to feel so safe otherwise than I would not take it personally and because I kind of lean DA myself so taking care of my own needs is fine. Then at some point I would miss interacting with them, and because I was not upset over their withdrawal and would just say hey, I need you to talk to me now, then they would come out of withdrawal and we would engage again. Later on talking to their mum I learned that they've been doing that ever since they were a kid. Parents even send him to see a psychologist. Turns out they were the most stable and loving partner I ever had, but that was just their way to process their emotions at times.
Ok I can't find an answer for my question. My girlfriend of about 9 months is obviously a fearful avoident personally with so much reason that it is actually mind blowing that someone could actually go through what she has without completely losing their self worth. I have been through a lot myself and still fall into the anxious side at times but I have embraced how I became me and learned to love myself, for the most part. She struggles quite a bit still and I just want to help her for her. Even if it means her path of healing doesn't include me as a partner. That would absolutely hurt but I can cope with anything for her to be able to see her her value. I simply don't have the tools. She is absolutely not the type that wants to talk about it to anyone except me and her best friend who passed away 3 months ago. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for what you do. ❤️
Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. It’s not quite clear to me what question you’re asking, what tools do I need to help my partner with disorganized attachment heal? Even if it means she doesn’t end up with me? So one thing I would offer is this question is very dangerous Lee close to setting yourself up to become her therapist. And that is not what you want from a romantic relationship. So you might want to take a look at where you may be abandoning yourself in the things that you want in service of someone else who is at a particular point in their path and in their process. I would rather know where are you on your path in your process? What do you want out of life? What do you want from a relationship in general? Do you wanna be a therapist in your relationships or do you want someone who can meet you all the way not just half of the way? This is a video you might find helpful regarding your question. Disorganized Attachment & Breakup: How They React (2021) th-cam.com/video/EC_2FL0wCqs/w-d-xo.html I know it is not easy. And of course there are many things to love in our partners even if they don’t see the things that are lovable within themselves. Wishing you light and love on your journey.
hey Nick, I am going through something very similar as well. I've been through the process of realizing I was becoming her therapist - and how I viewed that as intimacy - building trust between us and even finding out I have savior tendencies. This was going on for 6 years... She is very DA, as once I started requesting my needs to be met by her, she pulled away. I voiced how it felt like a one-way relationship, and she blamed it on me. Saying those are my problems to fix on my own....Now she even mocks me when I ask her about meeting me needs half way! Saying i am repeating myself, and im intense. I have my own issues why I allow someone to treat me like this, and why I feel obligated to fix her...I've lost a lot of my loved ones to suicide (mother,sister,best friends) and I feel a strong urge not to give up on this person in particular. I see synchronicities, my dreams even show me signs...but I think the first step to overcome a DA/AA relationship is to thrive on your own. Set an example and rebuild the relationship with yourself. It will be hard...especially seeing your DA struggle to overcome their own issues. But that is what must be done, sometimes we are just stepping stones for others and we must celebrate that and not hold onto or push our own agenda/attachment issues onto someone else. I know deep down in my heart that our differences can co-exist, but maybe it will happen later in this life time or maybe the next? Just try to get things right on your end so when the time finally comes, you will be more prepared and can move past this karmic lesson.
Thank you! This has been so helpful in my current dating situation in understanding what’s possibly happening. I am more anxious with some avoidant tendencies. I’ve been dating a guy for about 3 months long distance. We first met in person at an event. He seemed just very private. Doesn’t have all the exact traits of an avoidant. It’s a bit confusing. The other day we were on a Ft call and I got whiney and asked, Are we ever going to get to see each other? I could feel his anxiety and he said, yes but this year has been weird. I agreed it has but I’m not sure what he was exactly referring to. He then said let’s schedule a call to catch up since it was over a week since we had a conversation. We were texting. He told me some times he was available. But he then had to leave. I expected to hear from him later to finish the convo but it’s been 3 days and haven’t heard from him. Did I trigger him with my whiney question? I feel like I screwed up.
No you don't screwed up, is normal,to ask those things ,give him space don't prioritize him (but don't be inconsistent) like if you are kind continue with this kindness ,but focus on yourself ,look I'm in a similar situation and I just get "hi, how are you" one day at week ,I asked to this person if really want hang out with me ,this person say's yes ,I'm still waiting for this "hang out" I blame my self at the begging but them I realized that just was me communicating things and is not bad,is important,sometime DA goes distant when they start to feel someone is getting close to them you know their defensive mechanism ,is not about you,my advice try to relax,don't project yourself with him in the future stay in the day at day thing,follow the recommendation on this video but most important prioritieze yourself love yourself trust in yourself !!!
@@michirista thank you for your kind words and the suggestion on kindness. He has gone a week before with no contact for no reason and said he got busy, things were hectic. I wonder if this will be the same. It’s so hard to understand but I do remain kind when he returns but if this is the pattern, how do I say that it hurts my feelings? I feel for your situation, do you share your feelings about how the withdrawal affects you? I don’t contact when he pulls away, I’ve been through this with other men. I turn off my notifications and I do my own thing. Being long distance that’s not hard to accomplish. I’m just hurt by the abruptness of this silence and feel I was the cause this time.
@@CC-dh2vi No I have not yet talked about how painful the withdrawal is (in fact it is not so painful for me what bothers me is the lack of communication like when this person send me a text asking me how I am and I respond find and you ? hoping for just a conversation not necessary a meaningful one and this person let me in seen or unseen for like two weeks) I have confidence but not with this person, the closest I was to tell her that I felt was when I asked that if I bothered her and that I if I invaded her space and that if she really go out with me, she said no and that she would like to go out with me and that she would let me know when she could and here I am waiting (but I'm not waiting anymore) I'm patience ,kind and calm person and take things pretty slow but most of the time I feel that I'm wasting my time you know you don't expect to be the priority of someone else no more than the person itself but with avoidant people you feel's like the last option specially in early dating for that reason I don't have the confidence to communicate some things (I think the better option is to communicate without make the other person guilty ,having emotional responsibility) and I feel you too long distance relationship is hard to handle but not impossible and I know the feeling that you trigger his withdrawal but again if you are patience kind loving person you don't need to feel that way you are doing the work here don't judge yourself hard I only permit my self to think that way two times no more ,hope you are doing well if this guy don't do the necessary to see you or date you (even virtual) once you talk about your feelings for him I think is time to not invest more of your time (I'm going to talk about my feelings soon so let's see how this go ) Good luck ,you are valuable person don't forget that ❤ !!! and yes maybe this will be his pattern until they feel's comfortable enough or he recognize his attachment style and be able to change or talk about it or know it !!
@@michirista I feel terrible for you that your SP is doing that. Are you exclusive? How long have you been involved? I agree with you that you just have to live your life and if they come around and fit in it then great. I do believe that they are a mirror showing where your work needs to be done. Exposing those shadows. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I let it go, went to the beach for a few days. Loving every minute of it and low and behold he texted this evening stating that he got swamped with work. He does have a very demanding job but I question why he couldn’t send a quick text to say this earlier? I have plans with friends and will respond with kindness after.
@@CC-dh2vi no we are not exclusive ,we start texting each other since last july (we know each other 10 years ago and this person do hurtful things to me I guess due her attachment style and both being young so I decided to cut her out of my life) as the begging this person was super sweet and present which motivated me to keep the issue moving forward but as you get closer to an DA they deactivate so I understand that know (thankfully) and I don't apply pressure and don't expect too much but is sad and yes I'm proud of you that you are learning from this experience as you said they are a mirror showing where our work be don't hope they interiorise those things too ,I learn my lesson here and I'm grateful for that maybe I sit and talk about my feelings maybe is not necessary ,wish you te best and if you need anything don't doubt in ask me 😊
Don’t have money to leave , cannot mentally handle being alone and lastly because I love him and he has other good qualities. But I would never recommend it.
@@diexmydarling13 of course not but the name speak cleary they are avoidant ,so how a good relationship is going to be good or equilibrated when someone is trying to avoid !!! like there is no logic !!!
@@michirista yeah that could go both ways. Same could be said for anxious ones. Who would want to be with someone who is always checking in on you, controlling your every move and doubting your true love for them, requiring constant reassurance?
@@julliettecoeur exactly I been in a relationship with anxious partner and the controlling thing or validation is not healthy at all but you can sit with them and discuss open about what is not healthy and what could be or achieve a interdependence in relationship,they are more open about it they are not avoiding the hole situation I'm not talking about who style is better or not cause the 3 styles has unhealthy issues I'm talking about disposition communication and most important understanding !!!
I guess I started to watch your videos and read about avoidant attachment too late. He left me 4 days ago, second time. He was really distant with me, but when I stepped back a little he wanted to get more close. In the end he said he can't do this anymore, he feels he is in rollercoaster inside in his head. He can't feel he can be in a relationship and he didn't feel he was in a relationship with me. Just to hurt me more he said for him was a proof he doesn't feel this is a relationship, because he started to seeing another woman ( who is not single) and if he would be in a relationship he never would do that. I guess he will not return third time.
Thank you for sharing your experience and for commenting. It sounds like a painful situation and very confusing. I think you might find these videos helpful: Disorganized Attachment & Breakup: How They React (2021) th-cam.com/video/EC_2FL0wCqs/w-d-xo.html Disorganized Attachment in Dating: Traits, Love & Intimacy th-cam.com/video/uSrc4BFYLqE/w-d-xo.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thank you! I have anxious attachment but I tried my best to give to him what he needs, but he just gave to me only breadcrumbs and protected himself from the deeper feelings. I don't know if he ever come back, but of he does I want to be more concious.
To say that to your face, that he is seeing a nother women, is just messed up. Your just their for non relationship stuff is what he said. So just s3x! He might aswell have called you a Whore. The Dud is a Narc. They only see themselves. Have no disregard for other peoples feelings or socialy acceptable things to say. Manipulation is all they know.
I'm leaning DA myself and to me this man is nowhere near healed enough for you to entertain anything with them and you should count your blessings cos you most probably dodged a bullet. It's one thing to have difficulty accessing and then expressing our emotions but try our best towards it and another to decide to go for unhealthy pattern all other again. The fact he goes after an unavailable person shows you what they're more comfortable with themselves. Staying unavailable. It's safer. It's also a coward move. But at least it shows you they're just are not ready for anything healthy. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever, if anything, the apparent gap between you two is refreshing;) their woundings probably outnumber yours by far, trauma bonding access is denied. They're too much further off the secure spot than you are so nothing truly materialize . You're not a perfect match and that's a great thing, for you! I would wish them the best of luck with their equally unavailable objet of affection and be grateful I'm not part of this recipe for disaster situation anymore.
Love this precisely because, most videos on the topic recommend to either people-please, or cut losses and and run. Here Author suggests a balanced approach. Know what you want/need/like 1st, be consistent about it; see not only the attachment styles themselves, but the actual person present, see if your deep values /visions align, then only if yes, Author gives methods to work through attachment issues. Brilliant piece. Thank You👌🫶✌️🌻🙏
Who is a rolling stone.???.. I get you wanting to soften the names, but just remind us, avoidant, fearful avoidant or anxious if using the other titles... or put it in description please . Tks!!
Haha I remember randomly watching one of those videos a while back thinking what the heck is a rolling stone 😂 now I got accustomed to it I find it pretty cool.
I need an advice...I have a guy best friend whose dismissive avoidant I do really love him, but I struggle for more than 2 years he keeps on wanting his ex or will tell me he doesn't want a relationship but he said I feel comfortable with you and his very open with everything towards me...I tried to tell him about attachment style...he tries to listen but I don't have an idea if he will apply what he have learned..my question is should I stay or walk away if he keeps on wanting his ex and doesn't want a relationship? Btw his ex is a anxious fearful avoidant...and she cheated and i can't understand him why he still keep on wanting her even she always push him away coz she doesn't want to get hurt..
Avoidant woman here and no. We avoid anyone and anything that feels a threat to our privacy and/or freedom. (speaking only for myself though. Everyone is different)
@@aslmad1 that’s understandable…Went through it too although didn’t know about attachment styles…It’s not totally hopeless.. Sounds like you are already on the right track!
Thanks for the heads up. Im 8 months in and this is soul destroying. Ive been extremely patient, gave tons of distance and held back with my own feelings. Still their coldness prevails, shes stopped wanting to meetup and texting seems combative now
@@dannywholuv my story doesn’t have to be anyone else. I don’t think holding back your feelings is the way to go. His inability to express himself well was an ongoing problem for us. I still don’t know if he ever loved me. Maybe I’m stupid. Maybe I’ve just been too negative. Idk. Good luck to you two
Why does inviting an avoidant friend/potential partner to a happy hour seem like a bad idea to me? I’m avoidant, and in a “close friendship” (zero intimacy, just hugs goodbye as with friends) with an avoidant, and I’m studiously avoiding drinking with her. Just feels like a recipe for disaster. Am I wrong?
Enough with the clickbait already. Romantic relationships (and human beings) are not a game. It's not for any person to manipulate another into wanting to be in a relationship, and at the same time, dismissive avoidants are not to be tip-toed around because they are the ones who are counter-dependent and anti-recipricol. Too much of this crap out there on the internet now.
Was going to watch but LOST ME AT "cisgender". Woman!!! If you want to differentiate. Use a term to differenciate the exeption and not the rule. Tired of this kind of stupidity!
Hey, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I understand that the term 'cisgender' isn't everyone's preferred language. My intention in using inclusive terms is to make sure all viewers feel seen and acknowledged, regardless of their background or identity. I hope you'll still consider the core message of the video. Take care.
No “cisgender” woman aka natural woman, born woman, childbearing woman wants to be referred to as cis anything!! I would have liked to watch this video but I’ll be blocking your page.
as a cisgender woman I have no issue with the medical scientific term. Dont talk for all of us and work on your insecurities and if someone is born female doesnt mean they are childbearing as well so those things are not even related@@tinawalker5335
@@tinawalker5335 I am cisgender and I’m perfectly fine being referred to as such because I realize that other people have different references when they refer to themselves. Good luck to you and the box that you’re in.
judging and discernment are THE SAME THING. you literally only said it because people get triggered by that judge word. the word you were looking for was criticize/critical. that's the form of judgement you mean. judgment has multiple forms INCLUDING PRAISE and CRITICISM. use your words correctly when producing content of this nature. thanks
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Actually I chose my words quite specifically. Judgment is more than criticizing. Criticizing is saying that you’re not doing something right. It’s performance oriented.Judgment carries with it a moralistic implication. It implies something about your character and inherent value or worthiness. Discernment is not about doing something right or wrong, and it does not carry a moralistic implication. It’s simply sifting and sorting without the need to make performance comparisons, or imply that one’s character is morally inferior. After 20 years of working with thousands of clients that struggle with these issues, these are the connotations that they carry and that is why I have chosen these words. Yes, people don’t like the word judgment. And there’s a reason for that. Dismissing the reasons is a symptom of the problem.I hope that helps you understand my word choice.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. But you kind of proved my point: if judgment includes praise and criticism, then it is not discernment, in the way that I am defining it. Because praise and criticism of meaning attached to it. Discernment is just determining if some thing matches your theme, or not, and making that decision without assigning any other meaning. If you were a curator at an art show, and 100 people submitted their pieces and you could only pick 10 because you had a theme, it would not mean that the other art pieces that you did not choose, were better or worse, it would just mean that they were closer or farther away from your theme. It’s a qualitatively different experience.
You will quickly lose yourself, by your own choosing, by tying onto their dysfunctional hitching post - its a no win for you and a win-win for them - once you are sucked in it’s hard to get out so run if you can
![Avoidant Partner Pulling Away? 6 Must Know Reasons Why [1 of 4]](/img/n.gif)
Thank you for watching! Let me know in the comments below, how do you feel about these six surprising traits? What do you find attractive in a partner? And if you like this content, be sure to let me know, and we can make more like this!
Hi Briana, I have recently found your channel & am very grateful, I have deep attatchment wounds & just suffered a short lived attatchment AGAIN after he pulled right away after his confusing "mixed messages" I'm still in much rejection pain & looping & looping, do you do 1 on 1 coaching?
Does this apply for DA women also or will you make a separate video for DA women? Either way thank you so much for all your work! You’re a blessing!
Hi Brianna
Very helpful ! I watched another video you did saying how open hearts often feel there’s something wrong with them !
Are securely attached people natural fits for an avoidant ? I or would they just spend less time trying ?
I struggle to understand how they wouldn’t struggle with avoidants too as well !
Very helpful video, thank you so much! I love the quick, concise style, so informative! I am anxious type, dating an avoidant for 2.5 years with no “progress” and lots of discussions about unmet expectations. I felt devalued and less worthy because he doesn’t speak about marriage/ living together. Your video explained that it’s just my explanation of it that devalues me (I felt less worthy and wanted to fix his opinion on marriage to feel better about myself). I wonder if there is a connection between Meyer Brigs personality type and attachment styles?
My partner is INTP which fits so well with the avoidant type. I would be grateful for your opinion on this possible causality.
Basically, no getting close to them, close-knit family is rather a bad thing for those, they are to a certain degree cold blood people with no ability to care for family. I time they may very well die out according to evolution.
Good lord, why would I ever want to make an emotionally unavailable man fall in love? I have absolutely no desire to spend one more minute of my life in relationships where I don't get my needs met, and someone else's insecure attachment issues are their problem to resolve, not mine. I'm done being part of peoples' healing process. Come to me with your shit together or not at all.
Exactly👌 The right person is the person we feel “safe” with and we shouldn’t have to watch countless videos. Rule of thumb, if you need to continually watch relationship videos, it’s the wrong relationship
I was thinking the same. Making an emotionally unavailable person fall in in love with you is a baaaaad decision.
You have a responsibility to this relationship in my opinion 50/50 to connect on emotional spiritual physical level so do the work.. and if I’m asking for emotional intimacy and u get cold and your walls get hugged each time I’m sorry but NO, this isn’t normal or healthy for both parties. Yes I can 100% work on my Anxious att style but you should as well so we can be more in harmony. ❤
So mainly honoring your own needs, boundaries and passions.
How about leave his ass aline and find someone else who can meet your emotional needs.
Agreed. I feel like thats what her video is actually saying just the titlw is 'disguised' as something an anxious is more likely to click
Thank you for your integrity. I feel like other videos on the subject fail to really capture what DA feels and needs. they make people think it's possible to change a DA. DA will only change for you if they don't feel like you are trying to change them. I really believe that if you want to be with a DA you have to be able to love yourself enough to love them unconditionally/unchanged before they will start to change. The work is never how do I make them change... but how do I grow and live well and authentically on my own
I LIKE this! So true.
exhausting
So accurate!
Love them even when they are being emotionally abusive?
@@lindsay3793the two are not the same thing; and emotional abuse no one should put up with.
Thank you Brianna.. I fought with my fiance and it ended up canceling our wedding. I fought because he wanted something that was against a boundary of mine. It's not the first time that he tried to break this boundary of mine and get what he wants so I didn't feel loved because of that. When I made this known to everyone he left in anger. I was struggling with the decision of my actions.. but because of you I now know that I made the best decision for the both of us. I stuck to my boundary for the first time in our relationship and didn't let it go. For the first time, it felt like I really was myself and that I loved myself more than the horrible thing he wanted to do to me.
12:40 watch and re-watch this until 12:58 at least 5X, think about it, then re-watch again and again as needed.
I do so agree with this.
Truth.
Run! The best way to make a man follow up with you is to find a man that is capable. Don’t chase on the healthy people. Believe me I know
number 1: consistency is better described as authenticity
Thank you so much for the insightful comment! You're absolutely right, consistency and authenticity go hand in hand.
I like that you made this. I just wish they would also work on themselves. It's not entirely on me to make things work
I feel these tips are applicable for any kind of relationship:
1. Consistency: You know what you want without asking what I want first.
2. Self-possession: you autorregulate. You know your worth without validation. My needs are valid no matter what.
3. You are boundaried: you have your standards and rules, you do not rush at something you do not feel ok.
4. Passionate: you are creative or have your own passions.
5. Non judgemental: you distance yourself to make assumptions. You are neutral
6. Discernment: you are clear on your needs. Yeses mean. Othi g without Noes. When “no”: confidence and solitiom oriented.
Sorry to not post a positive comment but this video seems to be 90% about how the anxious partner should change their behaviour in order to understand the avoidant. It would have been more helpful to hear what both parties have to do in order to get out of the trap.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Yes, this video is entitled how to make your avoidant partner fall in love with you. So it is explicitly for anxious folks. If you’re interested in the other perspective, I recommend watching this video.
6 Signs of Anxious Partner + Six Tips to Embrace It
th-cam.com/video/gOAnqlS8QeQ/w-d-xo.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Of course. My mistake. It makes sense
You can only control your own behavior.
Excellent comment. Avoidants need to want to heal their toxic traits/traumas and emotional and intimate avoidance in order for the relationship to work. Period. Hot and cold behaviours are dangerous for my emotional state and I don't want to deal with an avoidant ever again. Just my preference now. Too draining, I'm not able to build something with someone who don't want to be vulnerable and work on relationship. Willingness is important for me.
That’s because the person that’s watching these videos is the one that’s willing and ready to do what they can do to improve things. Try telling an avoidant that you’ve diagnosed them and want to help them change… and see how far you get with that. LOL
TL;DR: have strong boundaries and don't be needy. This is general dating advice that are even more true to avoidant people. It's not really special to avoidant people.
Have heard over 10 psychiatrists and you are the best so far in regards to this topic about avoidant partners, thank you so so very much 😇🤗
neha shetty Thank you! Much appreciated.
As a DA, I can attest to this. I'm always looking for a woman who has her own life outside of me. So many women I dated started out that way only to change into a "homebody" six months later (on average). 🤦🏿 "If they don't have a life outside of you, their life will BECOME you."
Thank you for sharing your perspective! It's important to have a life outside of a relationship to maintain your individuality and personal growth, for sure.
I feel like no matter what I do my avoidant partner will never really commit to me
It's crazy how we call them our partners BUT it even an established committed relationship
Thank you for another great video - some of the traits that you talk about are exactly what my avoidant partner has told me that he admires. Listening to your videos is mind blowing because now I understand that all my tactics to make him more committed were doomed. Avoidants are afraid of direct love gestures - I know that now - I also know what scares him and what drives him to me. Yes, it is a lot of work, and I am not sure how long I can last like that unless I see more signs of him changing. For now, I am on this roller coaster ride with him but it is far less bumpy after learning so much from you - thank you!
I already messed up the first one by trying to take part in what interests him.
I love that you combine psychology and spirituality!❤🎉 this is soo for me.
Dawn Carpena Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
The man I like consumed all his time in his work, his mind and soul is all for his work it runs through his veins, so it really seems imposible to think about having relationship we're almost in our late 30's and it seems marriage is not in his mind. I want to forget this guy and move on and find someone else, but right now I'm still in love with him.
I’ve been there. Your life is waiting for you, the right relationships will not require us to watch all these videos and act or change ourselves. The right relationships are natural and don’t cause us to stress 24/7, which is super unhealthy
@@bkt1211 thank you, your message is somehow reassuring that there will be better guys that will come aside from this guy, I want to move on with my life
Absolutely. I wasted 5 years with a guy I knew would never commit fully. I gathered my strength and decided to live my life and start attending social events to ensure I was not giving any more time to guys who were wasting mine. That’s when I met a good guy and began to see the difference in what a healthy relationship might look like. Thanks to God I didn’t waste another year with my ex who was so involved with his job and living his own life. It would have been a disaster. If I can help advise any woman or man from my experience, I would say if it’s not healthy, start living your life and put yourself out there to give yourself the best chances to meet new people
I just know, but hell no! You will suffer from being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. Don’t walk away, run!!!!!!
If you can take so little emotional content in the relationship that you are the only one keeping the relationship together, go for it with an avoidant partner. Otherwise, run for your life.
Oh my goodness. I'm a textbook DA 😳
I have a habit of people pleasing.
You're videos have been helpful in understanding my current boyfriend. Thank you.
I just want to say thank you. I came across your videos over the past few days and they have already helped me make so much sense of not only the girl I'm dating right now (textbook avoidant), but more so myself (more on the anxious side). As an IO Psychologist, I truly appreciate your insight. Keep up the great work
I'm totally okay with me which took 7 years alone. So I fell for a woman that's avoident. After 9 months I realized that I'd have to do another 7 years alone waiting for her to learn about herself while playing games. No fucking way.
Apparently my boundaries are silencing this person
Hi, Briana. Thank you. This is very helpful to me in my current relationship. 🦋
Thanks Briana ! ... Can you do a video on how to make an emotionally unavailable woman to fall in love please 🙏
I read the article on the anxious avoidant trap, one of the listed trigger phrases for avoidants was along the lines of, "i havent been given a real chance in this relationship, you've been responding to your trauma."
I have to admit, this is pretty much what ive been saying this entire last year. We used to be close friends, and as soon as things went romantic, the emotional closeness stopped. I want my friend back, i stopped trying to be physical or affectionate, i couldnt deal with the random rejections, no signals, never knowing when i was in his "good graces," or not.
Is there anything we can say other than "you're reacting to your trauma," that could help get the point across?? Its like he stopped seeing me entirely, as soon as he got attached he began to only see a role from the past.
You don't need to call it 'trauma'. It makes it more dramatic.
I think you should stick to talking about 'attachment styles' in stead.
The avoidant style can be caused by parent's emotional neglect, but also critisism, not being allowed to express (certain) emotions, bullying... and probably more.
- Some of these things might not "register" as traumas for the avoidant.
Hey there, it's clear you've been going through a challenging time in your relationship. It's important to express yourself authentically without analyzing or narrating the situation for your partner. Instead of directly saying, 'you're reacting to your trauma,' you might try something like, 'ouch, that really felt like a punch to the gut, and it leaves me feeling confused because it seems disproportionate to our situation. Is it possible there's more going on here that's related to something else?'
Also, I recommend watching my playlist on communication for more insights. th-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPNOMfwMvup2Ayo7AXSkAG2.html It's tough when the emotional closeness changes in a relationship. You're not alone in wanting that connection back. Sometimes, addressing these issues requires patience, understanding, and open dialogue. Let's hope your friend can see the real you beyond past roles.
The same thing is happening to me and I don't know how to reverse it. I've tried everything to get my friend back but I'm afraid of suffocating him so I'm giving him space. What a difficult situation!
By avoiding them. That works
This. These people need intense DBT therapy. Let them work on themselves until they become secure. Don't invest in them. They must invest in themselves.
Ahhhhh please keep making videos like these last three!!
I am glad you like them! More to come!
Intellectually brilliant and with the blue background and the way you move your eyebrows I get this "Elsa" vibe .. Let it go ! 😅
Iam a Spice of Lifer and I am impressed how you nailed it all down Briana. Thank you. You made me cry. I always wondered what was wrong with me.
I have an important characteristic to suggest under the disorganized attachment, one that is not mentioned. Spice of Lifers feel the urge to fall in love again and again. Its like a love thrill addiction. This is another main reason they withdraw from a relationship once the thrill is gone. There must be a scientific explanation behind this I bet.
Thank you for this video. I desperately needed this wisdom for years now!
After approximately six months the first in love hormones subside - some folks don’t bond properly and thus have problems
THANK YOU i needed this so much you angel
Thank you for this info, helps me, an avoidant, understand what turns me off and what my needs are, which I cant seem tonsee myself, all the 6 points made so much sense, thise traits are what i have found makes me attracted to someone, or not
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Adrian P. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
That was great! Already started putting it into action!!
the fingernails thing got me good.
All your videos have me completely pegged, im textbook eupd. anxious attment, fear of abaonment and fear of failure. (Y)
Thanks Briana! Not sure I understand the difference between discernment and boundaries.
Boundaries are the feeling response. Discernment is the wherewithal and the impetus to take action on them and to advocate for them.
I say no when I need to.
Why does someone that is not consistant wnat consitantcie from others?
I dint get it
It is about trust,... they never had consistency... so they can't trust until they feel it.
Well, now we know why he’s nowhere to be found anymore! 😞
Excellent, thank you!
You can't I tried for three entire years and then he ghosted me without a word never heard from him again
He was probably a Gemini
Ugh I’ve done all this mistakes with my partner. I didn’t realize our attachment styles.. now he needs space and he says he doesn’t know if we will work out. I’m giving him space but I’m afraid I may have approached this relationship badly :/
Tell him that. Send him a text or email when you've given him enough space and tell him how you've realized that you guys express yourselves differently and that's ok. That you're happy to compromise. That miscommunications are normal and you just wanna understand him better.
Don't beat yourself up, no one teachs us these things as we grow up. And now it's only recently attachment styles have moved from psychology research and lectures to talks and books and these accessible videos. It's not all on you either, so don't go in with an I screwed up attitude! Good luck x
Everyone comes into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This one may work out or it may have just taught you a TON about yourself that you get to carry with you to your next romantic interest.
I feel so lonely and hope to make things work. Fearful avoidant is way better than DA. Yet, I’m so hopeless right now
You will quickly lose yourself, by your own choosing, by tying onto their dysfunctional hitching post - its a no win for you and a win-win for them - once you are sucked in it’s hard to get out so run if you can
thank you very much could you please talk about disorganized attachment
I relate to owning feelings and accepting they are valid - but it is not going well as I raise my standards in my relationships. I am seeing I am a burden. My daughter might be DA trending anxious (she has been highly avoidant with partners yet the two that she has let close to her she quickly becomes an anxious totally preoccupied and even gives up her frame and opinions to match the guy). Well, here I am Briana in a recurring theme - my feelings don't get to matter with my daughter or her Dad. I sucked it up for years and did not mind that much because she lived with me so being ignored by them when he was over was something I let happen because I had more time with my daughter ... I would just go do something else or listen or be busy with the dinner or clean up. Now that she lives far away though, nothing has changed. I went to spend the winter closer to her but was still a few hours away. When her Dad was flying out she wanted us all to spend some time but she booked and planned every single day with him and yet was upset when I did not want to travel and just "fit in" wherever possible in between their plans. I tried to suggest plans or meeting half way for an overnight (so like 3 hrs) but that was not reasonable. Yet it was reasonable for me to drive 6 hrs to just fit in. Due mainly to cost and taking time off it was not so easy to just come down hoping for a few scraps of her/their time. I have not ever been allowed to have a complaint with her - it is always how I am overreacting or being passive aggressive (she says) or trying to guilt trip her (she says). I have asked how I am supposed to communicate my feelings but there is no answer. There has never been a platform to address my feelings of being taken for granted. I am outright dismissed every time. Anything I say is dismissed - she has every bit of understanding for her Dad but none for me. Though I have admitted of late that I can be a bit of a pill - neither of them ever do. It doesn't matter what her dad has said to me or how he has treated me. I have been a bit of a pill as I finally set standards for not just my romance and friendships but also with my kids. No more taking mom for granted - I want a similar level of courtesy as everyone else in their lives. Not equal lol just similar --- or some ...????
Haha well done you 🎉. It's like when I get a new haircut and everyone admits it suits me better then the last but you can feel they look at you weird and are pretty uncomfortable with your new haircut and would have rather you didn't change it so they can keep the same image of you and now they're gonna have to adjust to it. Well tough. I want self improvement and you're gonna have to get used to it ^^
I really wish I found this video one month ago
If the avoidance is due to trauma, isnt the treatment of the trauma effects the most important thing?
Try getting an avoidant to get help
....
Yeah, I was told that I'm supposed to be able to talk about how I've been heartbroken without showing any emotion. That just isnt going to happen, so i tried via writing, and i got ignored.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, @pageashleypage. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
Our partners are not our therapists. Whatever happened to you, you must go full force, face it to erase it. Plenty of self help books and UTube Channels.
It's not that nobody cares, it's that everyone has gone through something difficult....that person can't really help you, so you're putting them in a difficult position.
Jokingly,
50% of people don't care, and the other 50% are glad it's you.
I had to go solo for 5 years and just work on my mind....books, journaling, forgiving, studying the Bible, focusing on just my needs, until nothing could trigger me, the emotional pain faded away.
I felt content to be in my shoes for the first time.
Now, I don't need anything from anyone else. Great feeling.
@@yeswing10 right, and partners are also supposed to be able to address the things that hurt with each other. Some feelings are important for them to know about.
@@PaigeSquared I agree to that, too.
God Bless you 🙏
Okay. But why would anyone want to attract/keep an emotionally unavailable man? That doesn't make sense. If anything, it should be the opposite, is it not?
Maybe she thinks try this before leaving. Because really it's because the person is hurting from childhood stuff that they are emotionally unavailable.
For me its because of my own issue..and I did nt no about those type of person..she even cheat on me after 4 months..lie to me 2 months to finaly break up with me. We had a so great connection..for 3,4 months but , indeed i was more into her. First time someone broke up with me It was so painful and still want to be with her..even after 3 months of rejection..she told me she like me etc.. and totally avoid me for days weeks. I m done but, i wanna save her but to be honest it is for me. Even if she dont bring anything to me.
Thank you I love this. You have the map for finding inner love with yourself first, which also means that you don’t judge but know your boundaries. Which leads to enough strength to be healthy enough to make better decisions. And that finally leads you to being safe enough for even someone who needs more patience and understanding. Or enough knowledge to leave a situation or person if its only the potential that holds you there. Thank you this helped a lot ❤
Very useful and informative. Clear and concise so easily applied. Thank you. 😊
You're very welcome!
Where are you physically located smart lady? Love your work!
great tips
Waaav. Ths k you Brianna. I finally gotmsome idea how to get closer to my avoidant wife after 13 years of marriage and struggling 🙄
Good luck 😊
Being Anxious myself,I don't know how an avoidance females must be like?
@@vijataneharkar3982 we are horrible, emotionally unavailable, cold, distant… loners…. Self-sabotaging, damaged and broken. Run don’t walk. 😐
I have been 6 months with her..2 last months she cheated when she start avoiding me. Now its been 9 months she came back to me after 1 months and half, broke my heart 3,4 times in 9 months.
It staggers me this idea that men are usually the avoidant ones
I feel you. I thought that at first- every woman I've dated has been avoidant, and maybe that's a me thing- but I also think it's a generational gap. Older men are more often avoidant, older women are more anxious (on the main, not as a whole for either); whereas Millenials and Gen-z'ers seem to be flipflopped, where many young men show anxious or at most fearful avoidant behaving, and many young women show either avoidant or fearful avoidant behaving (tho this could also be a liberal ag. conservative upbringing kinda thing).
However, after being in an environment with closed-off men, I now realize what older women and my more anxious female peers are complaining about when it comes to unemotional, insecure men.
Thank You.
I was happily married for 42 years, and I felt a deep emotional connection. He died 3 years ago and I have been in a relationship with a new guy for a year. He passionately pursued me and I fell in love, but in a few months he withdrew physically. He had never really been affectionate with physical touch. I know I have childhood issues, but did this cause the problem?
Did he said why he withdrew? Maybe do you talk about your deceased husband often or keeping pictures/personal things of your husband in the house and your new bf doesn't feel comfortable about it.
@@eso8171 He is a widower and we met in a bereavement group. We knew each other for about 8 months before we started seeing each other exclusively. We both mention our spouses occasionally, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. I have asked him what caused him to withdraw but he just makes up a lot of B.S. excuses. He is a Dismissive Avoidant, I’ve come to believe. I’m a little on the anxious side but basically I’m pretty secure.
@@joannegild8001 I am sorry to hear I hope you'll look after yourself and that your man will figure things out. I'm in the similar situation out of the blue pushed me away.
Emotional withdrawal is the way that someone with DA traits ( sometimes stagnant for long period of times if they're mostly secure) processes emotions. It might very well have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship. Everyone needs to process their emotions somehow and the DA happens to do it this way. I had a very secure bf when I was younger. They would make me feel safe, cared for, loved and everything on a regular basis. Once in a while, every 2/3 months I don't remember exactly, they would go through a period of withdrawal when they would hardly ever say a word in 3 weeks. To be honest it wouldn't impact me as I was made to feel so safe otherwise than I would not take it personally and because I kind of lean DA myself so taking care of my own needs is fine. Then at some point I would miss interacting with them, and because I was not upset over their withdrawal and would just say hey, I need you to talk to me now, then they would come out of withdrawal and we would engage again.
Later on talking to their mum I learned that they've been doing that ever since they were a kid. Parents even send him to see a psychologist. Turns out they were the most stable and loving partner I ever had, but that was just their way to process their emotions at times.
Ok I can't find an answer for my question. My girlfriend of about 9 months is obviously a fearful avoident personally with so much reason that it is actually mind blowing that someone could actually go through what she has without completely losing their self worth. I have been through a lot myself and still fall into the anxious side at times but I have embraced how I became me and learned to love myself, for the most part. She struggles quite a bit still and I just want to help her for her. Even if it means her path of healing doesn't include me as a partner. That would absolutely hurt but I can cope with anything for her to be able to see her her value. I simply don't have the tools. She is absolutely not the type that wants to talk about it to anyone except me and her best friend who passed away 3 months ago. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for what you do. ❤️
Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. It’s not quite clear to me what question you’re asking, what tools do I need to help my partner with disorganized attachment heal? Even if it means she doesn’t end up with me? So one thing I would offer is this question is very dangerous Lee close to setting yourself up to become her therapist. And that is not what you want from a romantic relationship. So you might want to take a look at where you may be abandoning yourself in the things that you want in service of someone else who is at a particular point in their path and in their process. I would rather know where are you on your path in your process? What do you want out of life? What do you want from a relationship in general? Do you wanna be a therapist in your relationships or do you want someone who can meet you all the way not just half of the way? This is a video you might find helpful regarding your question. Disorganized Attachment & Breakup: How They React (2021) th-cam.com/video/EC_2FL0wCqs/w-d-xo.html I know it is not easy. And of course there are many things to love in our partners even if they don’t see the things that are lovable within themselves. Wishing you light and love on your journey.
hey Nick, I am going through something very similar as well. I've been through the process of realizing I was becoming her therapist - and how I viewed that as intimacy - building trust between us and even finding out I have savior tendencies. This was going on for 6 years... She is very DA, as once I started requesting my needs to be met by her, she pulled away. I voiced how it felt like a one-way relationship, and she blamed it on me. Saying those are my problems to fix on my own....Now she even mocks me when I ask her about meeting me needs half way! Saying i am repeating myself, and im intense. I have my own issues why I allow someone to treat me like this, and why I feel obligated to fix her...I've lost a lot of my loved ones to suicide (mother,sister,best friends) and I feel a strong urge not to give up on this person in particular. I see synchronicities, my dreams even show me signs...but I think the first step to overcome a DA/AA relationship is to thrive on your own. Set an example and rebuild the relationship with yourself. It will be hard...especially seeing your DA struggle to overcome their own issues. But that is what must be done, sometimes we are just stepping stones for others and we must celebrate that and not hold onto or push our own agenda/attachment issues onto someone else. I know deep down in my heart that our differences can co-exist, but maybe it will happen later in this life time or maybe the next? Just try to get things right on your end so when the time finally comes, you will be more prepared and can move past this karmic lesson.
Thank you! This has been so helpful in my current dating situation in understanding what’s possibly happening. I am more anxious with some avoidant tendencies. I’ve been dating a guy for about 3 months long distance. We first met in person at an event. He seemed just very private. Doesn’t have all the exact traits of an avoidant. It’s a bit confusing. The other day we were on a Ft call and I got whiney and asked, Are we ever going to get to see each other? I could feel his anxiety and he said, yes but this year has been weird. I agreed it has but I’m not sure what he was exactly referring to. He then said let’s schedule a call to catch up since it was over a week since we had a conversation. We were texting. He told me some times he was available. But he then had to leave. I expected to hear from him later to finish the convo but it’s been 3 days and haven’t heard from him. Did I trigger him with my whiney question? I feel like I screwed up.
No you don't screwed up, is normal,to ask those things ,give him space don't prioritize him (but don't be inconsistent) like if you are kind continue with this kindness ,but focus on yourself ,look I'm in a similar situation and I just get "hi, how are you" one day at week ,I asked to this person if really want hang out with me ,this person say's yes ,I'm still waiting for this "hang out" I blame my self at the begging but them I realized that just was me communicating things and is not bad,is important,sometime DA goes distant when they start to feel someone is getting close to them you know their defensive mechanism ,is not about you,my advice try to relax,don't project yourself with him in the future stay in the day at day thing,follow the recommendation on this video but most important prioritieze yourself love yourself trust in yourself !!!
@@michirista thank you for your kind words and the suggestion on kindness. He has gone a week before with no contact for no reason and said he got busy, things were hectic. I wonder if this will be the same. It’s so hard to understand but I do remain kind when he returns but if this is the pattern, how do I say that it hurts my feelings? I feel for your situation, do you share your feelings about how the withdrawal affects you? I don’t contact when he pulls away, I’ve been through this with other men. I turn off my notifications and I do my own thing. Being long distance that’s not hard to accomplish. I’m just hurt by the abruptness of this silence and feel I was the cause this time.
@@CC-dh2vi No I have not yet talked about how painful the withdrawal is (in fact it is not so painful for me what bothers me is the lack of communication like when this person send me a text asking me how I am and I respond find and you ? hoping for just a conversation not necessary a meaningful one and this person let me in seen or unseen for like two weeks) I have confidence but not with this person, the closest I was to tell her that I felt was when I asked that if I bothered her and that I if I invaded her space and that if she really go out with me, she said no and that she would like to go out with me and that she would let me know when she could and here I am waiting (but I'm not waiting anymore) I'm patience ,kind and calm person and take things pretty slow but most of the time I feel that I'm wasting my time you know you don't expect to be the priority of someone else no more than the person itself but with avoidant people you feel's like the last option specially in early dating for that reason I don't have the confidence to communicate some things (I think the better option is to communicate without make the other person guilty ,having emotional responsibility) and I feel you too long distance relationship is hard to handle but not impossible and I know the feeling that you trigger his withdrawal but again if you are patience kind loving person you don't need to feel that way you are doing the work here don't judge yourself hard I only permit my self to think that way two times no more ,hope you are doing well if this guy don't do the necessary to see you or date you (even virtual) once you talk about your feelings for him I think is time to not invest more of your time (I'm going to talk about my feelings soon so let's see how this go ) Good luck ,you are valuable person don't forget that ❤ !!! and yes maybe this will be his pattern until they feel's comfortable enough or he recognize his attachment style and be able to change or talk about it or know it !!
@@michirista I feel terrible for you that your SP is doing that. Are you exclusive? How long have you been involved? I agree with you that you just have to live your life and if they come around and fit in it then great. I do believe that they are a mirror showing where your work needs to be done. Exposing those shadows. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I let it go, went to the beach for a few days. Loving every minute of it and low and behold he texted this evening stating that he got swamped with work. He does have a very demanding job but I question why he couldn’t send a quick text to say this earlier? I have plans with friends and will respond with kindness after.
@@CC-dh2vi no we are not exclusive ,we start texting each other since last july (we know each other 10 years ago and this person do hurtful things to me I guess due her attachment style and both being young so I decided to cut her out of my life) as the begging this person was super sweet and present which motivated me to keep the issue moving forward but as you get closer to an DA they deactivate so I understand that know (thankfully) and I don't apply pressure and don't expect too much but is sad and yes I'm proud of you that you are learning from this experience as you said they are a mirror showing where our work be don't hope they interiorise those things too ,I learn my lesson here and I'm grateful for that maybe I sit and talk about my feelings maybe is not necessary ,wish you te best and if you need anything don't doubt in ask me 😊
Why would anyone want to stay with an avoidanr partner!!
Don’t have money to leave , cannot mentally handle being alone and lastly because I love him and he has other good qualities. But I would never recommend it.
Because being avoidant doesn’t make them a bad guy
@@diexmydarling13 of course not but the name speak cleary they are avoidant ,so how a good relationship is going to be good or equilibrated when someone is trying to avoid !!! like there is no logic !!!
@@michirista yeah that could go both ways. Same could be said for anxious ones. Who would want to be with someone who is always checking in on you, controlling your every move and doubting your true love for them, requiring constant reassurance?
@@julliettecoeur exactly I been in a relationship with anxious partner and the controlling thing or validation is not healthy at all but you can sit with them and discuss open about what is not healthy and what could be or achieve a interdependence in relationship,they are more open about it they are not avoiding the hole situation I'm not talking about who style is better or not cause the 3 styles has unhealthy issues I'm talking about disposition communication and most important understanding !!!
I guess I started to watch your videos and read about avoidant attachment too late. He left me 4 days ago, second time. He was really distant with me, but when I stepped back a little he wanted to get more close. In the end he said he can't do this anymore, he feels he is in rollercoaster inside in his head. He can't feel he can be in a relationship and he didn't feel he was in a relationship with me. Just to hurt me more he said for him was a proof he doesn't feel this is a relationship, because he started to seeing another woman ( who is not single) and if he would be in a relationship he never would do that. I guess he will not return third time.
Thank you for sharing your experience and for commenting. It sounds like a painful situation and very confusing. I think you might find these videos helpful:
Disorganized Attachment & Breakup: How They React (2021)
th-cam.com/video/EC_2FL0wCqs/w-d-xo.html
Disorganized Attachment in Dating: Traits, Love & Intimacy
th-cam.com/video/uSrc4BFYLqE/w-d-xo.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thank you! I have anxious attachment but I tried my best to give to him what he needs, but he just gave to me only breadcrumbs and protected himself from the deeper feelings. I don't know if he ever come back, but of he does I want to be more concious.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Savoll Diana. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
To say that to your face, that he is seeing a nother women, is just messed up.
Your just their for non relationship stuff is what he said. So just s3x!
He might aswell have called you a Whore.
The Dud is a Narc.
They only see themselves. Have no disregard for other peoples feelings or socialy acceptable things to say. Manipulation is all they know.
I'm leaning DA myself and to me this man is nowhere near healed enough for you to entertain anything with them and you should count your blessings cos you most probably dodged a bullet. It's one thing to have difficulty accessing and then expressing our emotions but try our best towards it and another to decide to go for unhealthy pattern all other again. The fact he goes after an unavailable person shows you what they're more comfortable with themselves. Staying unavailable. It's safer. It's also a coward move. But at least it shows you they're just are not ready for anything healthy. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever, if anything, the apparent gap between you two is refreshing;) their woundings probably outnumber yours by far, trauma bonding access is denied. They're too much further off the secure spot than you are so nothing truly materialize . You're not a perfect match and that's a great thing, for you! I would wish them the best of luck with their equally unavailable objet of affection and be grateful I'm not part of this recipe for disaster situation anymore.
some good tips right here
kokohai Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Love this precisely because, most videos on the topic recommend to either people-please, or cut losses and and run.
Here Author suggests a balanced approach. Know what you want/need/like 1st, be consistent about it; see not only the attachment styles themselves, but the actual person present, see if your deep values /visions align, then only if yes, Author gives methods to work through attachment issues. Brilliant piece. Thank You👌🫶✌️🌻🙏
I’m not a doormat.
Who is a rolling stone.???.. I get you wanting to soften the names, but just remind us, avoidant, fearful avoidant or anxious if using the other titles... or put it in description please . Tks!!
avoidants
Dismissive avoidants in particular. Fearful avoidants she refers to as ‘spice of lifers’
Haha I remember randomly watching one of those videos a while back thinking what the heck is a rolling stone 😂 now I got accustomed to it I find it pretty cool.
Would you say this also applies in non-official dating stage?
yes
Never assume anything.
I’m not a doormat I would test your boundaries.
I need an advice...I have a guy best friend whose dismissive avoidant I do really love him, but I struggle for more than 2 years he keeps on wanting his ex or will tell me he doesn't want a relationship but he said I feel comfortable with you and his very open with everything towards me...I tried to tell him about attachment style...he tries to listen but I don't have an idea if he will apply what he have learned..my question is should I stay or walk away if he keeps on wanting his ex and doesn't want a relationship? Btw his ex is a anxious fearful avoidant...and she cheated and i can't understand him why he still keep on wanting her even she always push him away coz she doesn't want to get hurt..
Girl, why you stick to him if he only want you as a friend..??.. and how do you know his ex is anxious avoidant..?..
DA same description for a woman, is there a video on this?
Is this just for UA men? Does it work for women? Lots of those around.
This would apply to both men and women I believe. The title is for search engine optimization. Thank you for watching and commenting.
Do women with avoidant personality only avoid the people that have feelings for?
Avoidant woman here and no. We avoid anyone and anything that feels a threat to our privacy and/or freedom. (speaking only for myself though. Everyone is different)
Does this cover women?
Married 35 yr unhappily mostly. Wishing I was dead. What helps with that?
That’s horrible why live like that?
@@Rachel-rs9wh because I we were both too weak and dysfunctional to see and fix or flee the problem. We are getting better, we are getting a divorce.
@@aslmad1 that’s understandable…Went through it too although didn’t know about attachment styles…It’s not totally hopeless.. Sounds like you are already on the right track!
Thanks for the heads up. Im 8 months in and this is soul destroying. Ive been extremely patient, gave tons of distance and held back with my own feelings. Still their coldness prevails, shes stopped wanting to meetup and texting seems combative now
@@dannywholuv my story doesn’t have to be anyone else.
I don’t think holding back your feelings is the way to go. His inability to express himself well was an ongoing problem for us. I still don’t know if he ever loved me. Maybe I’m stupid. Maybe I’ve just been too negative. Idk. Good luck to you two
I’m not always a Yes man.
🙏🏻🥺
I'm Super Excited All Thanks 🙏🙏To *Dr Balogun the great caster.*
❣️
You are depressed. Therapy would help. The therapist is on your side!
This is only true if the avoident is the man. Avoident women have cats for a reason
😂😂 yes we dont go out and hunt for sex and make false pretends.
Why does inviting an avoidant friend/potential partner to a happy hour seem like a bad idea to me?
I’m avoidant, and in a “close friendship” (zero intimacy, just hugs goodbye as with friends) with an avoidant, and I’m studiously avoiding drinking with her. Just feels like a recipe for disaster. Am I wrong?
Enough with the clickbait already. Romantic relationships (and human beings) are not a game. It's not for any person to manipulate another into wanting to be in a relationship, and at the same time, dismissive avoidants are not to be tip-toed around because they are the ones who are counter-dependent and anti-recipricol. Too much of this crap out there on the internet now.
@@mmaidofsteel it seems to me that you just read the title, but didn’t actually watch the video. Because this is basically my thesis.
Suggest you quit trying to be so inclusive..
The stupid cis thing right?
Stop referring to women as cis-gender. We're not Cis anything.
1000%!!!!! 👍
Yesssss!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
💯
I JUST posted the same comment on another video. I HATE being called cis. I’m a woman that’s it.
Amen 🙏🏾
Was going to watch but LOST ME AT "cisgender". Woman!!! If you want to differentiate. Use a term to differenciate the exeption and not the rule. Tired of this kind of stupidity!
Hey, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I understand that the term 'cisgender' isn't everyone's preferred language. My intention in using inclusive terms is to make sure all viewers feel seen and acknowledged, regardless of their background or identity. I hope you'll still consider the core message of the video. Take care.
No “cisgender” woman aka natural woman, born woman, childbearing woman wants to be referred to as cis anything!! I would have liked to watch this video but I’ll be blocking your page.
Why do people need to announce they are unblocking or unfollowing? Throwing a tantrum for attention.
as a cisgender woman I have no issue with the medical scientific term. Dont talk for all of us and work on your insecurities and if someone is born female doesnt mean they are childbearing as well so those things are not even related@@tinawalker5335
@@tinawalker5335 I am cisgender and I’m perfectly fine being referred to as such because I realize that other people have different references when they refer to themselves. Good luck to you and the box that you’re in.
Chads will be chads ... the end ...
It’s unfortunate that women fall for the chads.
Course , I fell hard for a woman who I later discovered to be a dismissive avoidant.
So that means it's not just a gender issue then...
Briana, why are you now including gender and making clickbait videos? Very disappointing and affects your credibility.
What's with all the razzle dazzle? Fire your consultants
Here we have another name for a narcissist. (No empathy / emotionally unavailable)
judging and discernment are THE SAME THING. you literally only said it because people get triggered by that judge word. the word you were looking for was criticize/critical. that's the form of judgement you mean. judgment has multiple forms INCLUDING PRAISE and CRITICISM. use your words correctly when producing content of this nature. thanks
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Actually I chose my words quite specifically. Judgment is more than criticizing. Criticizing is saying that you’re not doing something right. It’s performance oriented.Judgment carries with it a moralistic implication. It implies something about your character and inherent value or worthiness. Discernment is not about doing something right or wrong, and it does not carry a moralistic implication. It’s simply sifting and sorting without the need to make performance comparisons, or imply that one’s character is morally inferior. After 20 years of working with thousands of clients that struggle with these issues, these are the connotations that they carry and that is why I have chosen these words. Yes, people don’t like the word judgment. And there’s a reason for that. Dismissing the reasons is a symptom of the problem.I hope that helps you understand my word choice.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. But you kind of proved my point: if judgment includes praise and criticism, then it is not discernment, in the way that I am defining it. Because praise and criticism of meaning attached to it. Discernment is just determining if some thing matches your theme, or not, and making that decision without assigning any other meaning. If you were a curator at an art show, and 100 people submitted their pieces and you could only pick 10 because you had a theme, it would not mean that the other art pieces that you did not choose, were better or worse, it would just mean that they were closer or farther away from your theme. It’s a qualitatively different experience.
You will quickly lose yourself, by your own choosing, by tying onto their dysfunctional hitching post - its a no win for you and a win-win for them - once you are sucked in it’s hard to get out so run if you can