How to Cope With an Avoidant Partner
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ม.ค. 2019
- Many of us struggle to cope with partners who are by their nature emotionally avoidant. Part of the solution comes from recognising the challenges involved, having sympathy for what makes people avoidant and learning to apply some well-tested new patterns of behaviour.
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“There are, for many of us, few people as attractive as the avoidant; the sort that are permanently a little mysterious; who don’t speak so much; around whom one never quite knows where one is; in whose eyes there is a faraway look, and perhaps a certain melancholy too; in whose hearts we intuit a sadness we long to, but never quite can, touch; people who seem to promise us intimacy and connection, and yet who remain - however long we have been with them - mesmerisingly unreassuring.”
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The School of Life could you please explain what you meant with the sentence ‘distant by proxy’? I loved this video and think its so true! But I didn’t understand that part and I really would like to understand!!
Labeling ourselves for every difference we have from others will just pull us all apart even more. It might solve you and your partners problems or it might not but I think everyone feels distant from everyone else in this day in age. Adding labels like “avoidant” just gives everyone the okay to continue being the same person and expect everyone to understand your label when we know that’s impossible.
Thank you very much for the lovely video. The flip side if this, dealing with an anxious partner, or how to deal with it as your own attachment style would be very welcome as well. I don't believe it was covered as in depth in the other videos pertaining to this relationship type, and needs a bit more in depth analysis. Just like this one with avoidant types. Sorry if you made it already, And I just missed it. Anyhoo, thanks again.✌
This sounds a lot like symptoms of BPD too.
What if the person is not afraid of closeness but the responsibilities that one have to bear in a relationship and she wants to be far from it only enjoy sex and no responsibility whatsoever
I just spent 6 minutes sympathising with an anxious orange slice an half an avoidant kiwi
Lol cute
that's funny
I was on the verge of tearing up then read your comment and giggled
Mysterious by nature,do you need reassurance, selfish neglect, absconded, self-denial and deception, barriers because of daunting marriage, people scared of rejection, accept that love is risky and requires bravery and money💲✅🚩
Yeah it's a bit...patronizing to the viewer...what was to this about anyways
The avoidant is so afraid to be the needy one.
That is an eye opener. Because probably they do not want to get their needs rejected in their faces one more time.
I have found I dont know what a healthy level of need is. I have been codependent in the past, losing myself in relationship. I would say that is where my fear lies. But yes agreed, dont want to be the needy one. Working on developing healthy boundaries
thanks for that. It helps a little to know that.
that is so true. anything but needy or wanting.
Star n' Stripes /////// not really true... someone can like someone, but because of their attachment style (developed as a byproduct of childhood), become annoyed at things that trigger those deeper wounds.
A dismissive avoidant often values independence and space, things that threaten that can be triggers and feel destabilizing...it’s so much deeper and at subconscious level than if someone likes another or not. An anxious avoidant values closeness and dependence, things that threaten that can be triggering and destabilizing.
These two are often attracted to one another...and at the core is needs for feelings of safety, however what safety is to these different attachment styles, are in sharp contrast to one another.
There is often a push/pull dynamic and frequent frustrating in this type of relationship. Getting to the root of this dynamic and realizing it’s not personal, that it’s about so much more, is key.
The problem is that dismissive avoidant types (the ones more prone to labeling others as “needy”) are usually less likely to work on themselves than others 😬
I have an avoidant friend. He never ever texts me and he is introverted. He uses humor to cover his pain. He has hardly any friends and in everyone else's eyes I am wasting time on him. Took him 6 years of me being annoying and nosy for him to realize I am not going anywhere and I am here for him. He is a very kind and gentle soul who longs for that connection. After 6 years hes finally opening up and slowly texts me memes. Still uses humor to cover up his pain but I can also tell he is trying his hardest to change and be more open. I stayed friends with him because even from the beginning, I knew he was giving me his 100% even if its only .01% in other peoples eyes.
Edit: wow I am surprised of all the wonderful replies. He and I are not romantically involved. However we have so much platonic love for each other. I just want to further explain my friend actually asked me a while ago why I still stick around despite him being awkward. I replied "As you get older you just want to surround yourself with people you care about and cares about you and I care about you". He didn't reply but silence speaks volumes. He is always afraid that one day I'll regret putting him on a pedestal and I always reassure him I am not putting him on a pedestal. It makes me kind of sad that being treated like a friend is considered putting him on a pedestal in his eyes. He is now my anchor and we are both very lucky to have found each other. Anyone reading this, there are diamonds in the rough out there. When you pass by one of them, dont toss it aside thinking its just another rock. However, there are tons of rocks who you will think are diamonds. Listen to your intuition, if they creep you out, then dont force it. Your intuition is way smarter than you think. Thank you for your time.
I don't know if he will ever say this... But as somebody in a similar situation I would like to thank you personally for being a good friend to this person. It really means a lot, not giving up on them.. even if they seem cold on the outside it's good to know someone really cares, so again thank you
Not all heroes wear capes. You are a blessing
this warms my heart up, especially because i've been doing the same for my own best friend who sounds very similar to yours hahah. he has a hard time believing that i'm real, much less that people are capable of doing such things... but i try my best to show him that i really do just care, and he's slowly starting to see it. i'm glad to see others doing the same for their friends like this. wish you two luck on your journeys together! i hope our friends will be able to let go of their fears and feel better, even a little bit.
The world truly needs more people like you. I’m thanking you on your friends behalf for sticking with him and loving and caring for him💛
You have great awareness of others. More of us need to find the patience to care for others.
Loving an avoidant is very, very painful...😭
I agree 💯
Impossible. They are terrible partners
@@PeteMD still people
@Steven Baas [C] by claiming they are somehow unredeemable and flat out bad people you're the one showing little emotional intelligence
💯
I feel personally attacked. Never knew I'd relate to a kiwi so much.
Are you intp personality type?
Yeah same here I never knew I was an orange slice
@@eugenelee8253LOL! I know right
Hahah you’re hilarious!! Kiwi hang out sometime?
@@collectiveXdumbness im an ENTJ and still avoidant
"The avoidant are, above all else...scared."
I have NEVER been so called out. 10/10
What will make an avoidant feel.safe again
@@rosador30
Stay at arms length. Let us come to you. But don’t assume that it’s going to be a regular habitual behavior. Just let us know nonchalantly “I liked it when you [blank]. It was kinda refreshing.”
Right
@@HunnyBee23 exactly, don’t guilt either. Parents that deprived but also made you feel guilty will end up making you hate guilt as a tool. Its not, its hurtful and unproductive. Just another thing to shut down and ignore. “Fine then don’t deal with me then!” This sentiment is one I’ve felt at work, in life, in childhood and in love. It is actually easier just not to bother. I pay my bills and live my life. Sometimes its totally worth it to be alone.
@@Mallenaudrix 100% agree. "Are you going to do this or not?" or "You did it yesterday., so why can't you do it today?" or "What's your problem this time?"
I'm staying single as well. It prevents so much unnecessary stress over the dullest, most repetitive issues: sex, affection, attention, etc. It's just not worth dealing with or explaining to every guy that shows an interest in me.
I just ended a relationship of almost 5 years with an avoidant. Still feel pity because we have truly loved each other. But even with the knowledge and understanding of this type, I still can't accept the fact that when they know their neglect would hurt you so much they still do it anyways, without even trying or apologizing. If someone keeps hurting you like that, you have to save yourself.
Yes
Cause my gf said To me I don't want it to seem like I don't enjoy having that time with you because I do. I do appreciate that you care about things like that. And Then said she I’m sorry if it feels like I’m pushing you away this is not the first time she has done this to
Idk wtf to do now
Update on this I’m not with her any longer
This is exactly what the video was getting at about avoidants and their partners being more alike than you realise. You talk about saving yourself to escape the pain. Avoidants do the same thing, only from the beginning. The self-preservation you learned here is something the avoidant learned long ago. If your relationship was a movie, you watched the whole thing intently and wept at the final death scene. Your jaded and wary partner suspected a sad ending and spent most of the film on their phone or doing chores, so they wouldn't be invested enough for the ending to upset them too much.
As a highly avoidant person, I've had a partner who made closeness feel safe, who helped me open up in a way I never had. When they betrayed me, it was so, so much worse. But, it also taught me that that type of relationship is something I want, and something to work for.
Can I know what did your partner do to make you feel safe?
@@julialee690 Oh god, it was a lot of little things really. She never tried to push her way into my life, she never pried about things I didn't want to talk about, and she never asked for affection I couldn't give. She basically let me come to her, and over the course of the relationship I was able to open up more and more, to the point where coming home and chatting about my day, and how I was feeling, or being physically affectionate in public was something I was totally comfortable with, when I never would have been able to do that before. By the time things ended, I was able to be more emotionally vulnerable and open with her than I had been with anyone. Had Covid not come around, I've no doubt we'd still be together, and as much as it hurt, it made me realize that that vulnerability and openness is something I want, even if it's, and I cannot stress this enough, existentially terrifying for me.
@@castillejanyeah
@@silverscreamqueen Yes, and for many years my response to that type of pain was to close myself off again, getting more and more distant from everyone around me in the process.
The relationship I mentioned in my original comment was SO incredibly beneficial for my growth as a person, and when it ended I realized that I had basically two options: put my walls back up, and abandon all of the forward progress I had made, or decide that no matter how hard it was I wasn't going to run away from that type of vulnerability anymore.
I chose option 2. It has not been easy, but it has proven to be the correct choice.
@@castillejanHi there, thank you so much for sharing this. It’s very helpful as that’s what I’m going through now. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. While I did notice his slight avoidant behavior in the beginning, he was much more open and liked to share things about himself. We felt so connected and loved. But things started to heated up as we began to have some conflicts and disagreements. I did not realize it was a big deal because he just comforts me whenever I was emotional. But slowly he became distant and I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. It was until recently he told me how uncomfortable he is about certain things I say and do, and feels very pressured around me. He also said he dislikes talking about emotions and serious issues and would like to keep things simple. I was devastated when I heard this, it’s like knowing him for the first time. I also felt guilty that I didn’t take care of his needs. I tried to give him more space but that didn’t work out. He still not into intimacy even though he cares about me. His indifference hurts me even it was not his intention. We were both sad because we didn’t know what to do about this unhappy relationship but still love each other.
What you said was like light for me. I was constantly telling him/ doing things to show how much I love him and thought it would make him feel reassured. Or just don’t comment on things he said to avoid disagreement. I put so much focus on him which probably pushes him away. What I should try is be myself and let him come to me, instead of expecting affections from him.
Thank you again for your story and I was moved to see that you’ve accepted vulnerability as humane and the core of connection. I’n sure you’ll find love again because you deserve it!
Was trying to fix someone and ended up learning more about myself
Your job is never to fix anyone, just to love them. It is their job to fix themselves.
Quit Bravo! Good attitude
@@tomobedlam9045 I wish I knew that sooner.
That’s the point of any relationship! People are our mirrors
No doubt...
I literally cried watching this video because it made me realize how cold I am due to childhood trauma.
SAME
SAME
much care
I cried because this is my boyfriend, and I'm always trying to show him what love is..eventho it's pain for me as anxious person to see him distant. But I believe time heals :')
I dated someone like that. I was told I was too needy when I hugged him goodbye (it was the first time we saw each other in over a month) and when I later said I thought we should at least meet once a week I was told I asked « too much ». Asking basic questions on his life was being excessively curious. I felt so unwanted. It really made me feel insecure.
That's how I feel now 😞 can't handle the relationship friendship
Same....I ask him to meet up but he doesn't...
From my experience, it is exhausting process. I will choose to quit the relationship asap.
Sounds like someone who wasn't interested too much
Same here :(
Basic things is too much for him
The worst thing is after the 'anxious' guy ends the relationship, you feel guilty because avoidant people are mostly good people, but with them you are always insecure and you don't know if they really love you. For me, the thing was that I didn't want to bother her to show emotions, but that doesn't change the matter. They are like that, and it is very difficult to change. Just as anxious people cannot be changed. I've noticed some main characteristics of the avoiding type that are little talked about:
1. They don't like talking on the phone
2. They avoid conflict. It is strange that after some problem they act as if everything is ok. They mostly use humor as a defense mechanism.
3. You often have doubts that it is your fault and that you are asking too much from your partner
4. They behave 'strangely'. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been with that type of person. You feel as if they are robots, I can't say 'as if they don't love you', but somehow you have a strange feeling with them.
5. During more intimate relationships, you can feel that they are scared, so you wonder if it's your fault because they don't feel attracted to you. The intimate relationship seems somehow 'robotic' on their part. You get the feeling that they do it because they have to. After that, you feel desperate because you think they don't feel the chemistry with you.
Anxious type generally ignores these traits and 'looks' for good things in avoidant types. And really, avoidant types are not bad people, and that's exactly why I felt bad, and I still feel bad to this day, because I ended such a relationship. I know she loves me, and I know I can't be with her. Something the hardest.
Thanks. Your comment helped me process my recent breakup (2 days ago) after I started questioning if I was wrong to initiate talks to address these problems, which led to us breaking up.
Regarding the 'robotic' behavior.
Iam an avoidant type, & i use the robotic behavior bc, as a child,
i learned to take care of life to avoid getting in trouble.
Unfortunately, that does apply to intimacy. Being intimate, in bed, when im not feeling it,
leads to robotic actions - that is the worst.
Fop
@@paulajimenez5637 probably you find yourself in my words...work on yourself Paula
I can relate to these words. I think I have made an image of me in her eyes that everytime, I make the mistakes. She don't deny when I say it was my fault. I overloved of what she needs. I'm still in a relationship, but sometimes I feel will there ever be something between us what I always wanted, or I just have to bury my desires and expectations and compromise as I did for the past two years.
I just ended a relationship because of this...believe me, it was not fear of closeness from my part, very much the opposite. I got tired of waiting for that to happen....I started to feel undesirable, always waiting for closeness and never happening. Asking for the basics of a relationship and always hearing I was asking for “too much”.
Lana Joy it was not courage, it was a deep realisation that it was not worth it. The moments of joy were less and less and all what I was left with was frustration and hurt. I couldn’t go on like that....
This describes how I feel for the past 2yrs of my marriage
Although I have not given up on him yet since we have a child and are married 😕😔
@@tta6370 difficult one...im sorry to hear. From my part, I miss him but I appreciate the peace I have in my life now. I no longer have to worry about this relationship or where it was going, not anymore.
Just like said in the video. If you are attracted to the avoidant type then you are most likely seeking a relationship for all its perks without the consequences. And if you did not get into the relationship in order to change the partner then I totally get where the orange is coming from but don't entirely accuse the kiwi
If you're dating an avoidant person, let them know it's ok that they are that way. If they don't feel judged for being who they are then they will slowly open up. If you are not ok with it, then break up. The relationship will only be toxic to both of you.
itsjusthen how do you know they will eventually open up? Some never do.
@@pamelapap Avoidant people like me end up opening up to someone if we feel comfortable and not judged. Because at the end of the day, we dont trust people. If they can say something without u judging, they will for sure open up. Its just a matter of patience at this point. Some it could take years.
Pamela P ::::::::::>>> Exactly... even worse. Self preservation compels them to deny it. Then they will attack you!
@@pinkkat3631 nope. I've been there too, and it turned out they not only got bored with me, but also got a crush on someone 100% unavailable - probably to be safe from any real relationship and emotional intimacy at all
Thank you, thats exactly it. Hard to trust people when they act like a whiny 10 year old who craves your attention all the time. Grow up.
If you're dealing with avoidant person that is unwilling to heal and cooperate, leave them, they are not worth your time. I'm speaking this because I wasted a lot of time dating avoidants and all I got in return is the mindset that something is wrong with me (that I’m being needy, trying to climb other person's walls, even though I have a secure attachment). They see asking for basic needs, like attention and warmth, as neediness. You need someone that will return you love and give enough attention without having to ask them for it. These people can make even the most secure person question their sanity. Worst of all, they're not even aware of their actions. I understand that they have past traumas I can't even imagine, however projecting that on other people is not tolerating. Everyone deserves to be loved and get help, but if you refuse it, then it's your problem. It's like trying to help a poor and unemployed person that's unwilling to work. Irrational. If you struggle with this type of attachment and do not take any actions to heal, you may loose someone that has a potential to be your soulmate and everything you seek from a partner. I know it's a difficult and long process that doesn't happen overnight.
well thank you. simple as that
Threats won’t work. Because avoidant d don’t really care. If u leave they move on easily
@@swiitdoll if only things are that good, if you notice carefully they are never happy always complaining
@@joydevsarkar4474 They are never sad either. They can easily ignore emotions and go on with their day like nothing happened. They can break your heart into pieces then go laugh and have fun with their friends 5 mins later.
@@trapeye9397 hearing things like this from ppl close to me as an avoidant person just reinforces the idea that the love im getting isnt reliable and makes it even harder. i cant speak for everyone but i have been yelled at by my ex for not having emotions after coming back from crying in the toilet, and the reason i struggled with showing her my emotions was bc she never took them seriously. sorry for ranting but what u guys are describing are not ppl with avoidant attachment who are trying their best, but assholes.
We made it work. 10 years together but man the first couple of years were really hard but trust and love prevailed
How u worked out??
The first couple years damn. Seems to be a lot of headaches
@@qatrogamer4214 good things in life need time
You don't sound happy.
@@Alixir1228how can you possibly tell that if you don’t know their entire story?
I'm an avoidant person. Often times, I feel disconnected from myself. Like this isn't really me, or like some components of me are here, but some were lost along the way, and I will forever remain incomplete. Although they did their best, my parents were emotionally negligent throughout my upbringing. I was raised to see sadness, emotional avoidance, and anger as love. I'm terrified of allowing others to see my vulnerabilities. Suspecting that if I make a mistake, I will be intentionally hurt and punished. I want to be loved like everyone else, but when someone presents me genuine warmth and comfort, it feels deceptive and ill-intentioned. I know that's not how I should feel, and that's not how I want to feel, but I just do. I always end up hurting a friend or partners feelings because sometimes I can't keep up a charade and will need to isolate myself. I've been told I'm manipulative, but I honestly never mean to hurt anyone. I rather myself be the one hurting, considering I've become so used it anyway.
Peach Sphinx I understand this, mate. Thanks for sharing.
Same.
The fact that you are aware of it and recognize it as an issue is good. I think that having a conversation with your partner, letting he/she know your fears and anxieties will allow them to meet you where you need. In my opinion, the problem really arises when people are not aware of this and blame their partners of been too needy. I spent years with someone who has an avoidance personality. He always made me feel like I was too needy and that the level of intimacy i wanted was unrealistic. In reality, he just had a lot of trauma from childhood that he refused to deal with. I would have done anything for him, but the truth is that if the desire to be better is not there then there is no amount of love from someone else that can change that. Good luck in your journey :)
what are some ways one can deal with these childhood traumas?
Peach Sphinx I used to smoke a lot of weed and felt this on the daily
Having tried to love three avoidant people and been so hurt and exhausted and tired, I now flee at soon as I see a hint of emotional unavailability, since it is completely indistinguishable from actual disinterest. I will never ever go through that misery again. If you chop them off early, it doesn't hurt so much and you don't have to spend ages and buckets of tears trying to repair sth you didn't break.
Sounds like avoidant attachment to me
I hate myself for what I put my GF thru. If I only knew I was like this I could have saved us. But now it's too late and I only now learn about my condition.
I'm sure they never wanted to hurt you, but they didn't know better. Im so grateful for this video, as it opened my eyes. Now I can working on a solution. I don't ever want to hurt someone again.
I hope you found happiness.
I’m curious to know what you mean when you say it is completely distinguishable from actual disinterest.
@@lucasgoodman2733 I heard it explained like this:
If a Dismissive Avoidant likes you at a 9 but their fear of relationship is at an 8, 9-8=1.
They show up in a relationship looking like they have a 1 level of interest.
Someone who is healthy and likes you at a 1, also shows up at a 1 level of interest.
Hence, indistinguishable.
@@lucasgoodman2733 INdistinguishable
I am an avoidant partner, I am well aware about it and whenever my partner tells me I am cold towards him, I say I am sorry it's not because of u, I reassure him I love him genuinely and deeply. Also I told him of all people in the world he is the one who is allowed and will be heard if he is demanding my attention. I sometimes just don't get my partner wants attention from me, he has to call out on me and tell me quite frankly. I told him to do so, I don't want him to feel not loved or thought upon. Also it's rather hard for me saying if I feel lonely or sad because I don't want him to feel bad but I not long ago I started crying and told him how lonely I feel without him (we hadn't a lot of time together due to our working shifts) and he was shocked, he said he didn't realize how deeply I miss him. He doesn't know when I say I miss you it's a lot, it means I am deeply lonely without him. After 3 years of relationship we still learn about each other and it's not always easy but after 3 years I know I can trust and ensure him with my vulnerable self and he won't reject me if I talk openly with him. All those out there having an avoidant partner, u need a lot of patience but I can tell you, this patience means everything to ur partner because they r well aware of their struggling personality and they love you even more for it. They don't wanna hurt you, they don't wanna make u feel weak or unimportant. If u have an avoidant partner that is very deeply loving and caring for you then be assured that they will do what is necessary to get rid of their scare and fear. I only can talk from my perspective but I am always upset when my fiance is asking me if I love him. He is scared of losing me and I need to push myself to make him feel appreciated and loved. I always tell him how grateful I am for his patience towards me and for his hard trying of understanding me.
Damn, my current girlfriend is like you and I admit, this relationship is a hard one cuz I always have to adjust myself to understand her while deep down I knew, she also loves me but very shyly like what you're saying. I guess it's gonna be my challenge then haha
@@MieKuahSoto I think challenging relationships r the best ones if in ur opinion it's worth fighting for and both of the partners r working on it. After I had a lot disfunctional relationships I can tell that this is no reason to believe it can not work. If there is communication on both sides possible and connection in values and principles about how u wanna live its most rewarding in the end. My partner and I we didn't have had the best start for a relationship and yet we both know we just belong together. And that's opening our hearts and minds to each other. If u think of a long lasting relationships there always will be struggles. There always comes something new that needs to be overcome. And trust is necessary in both sides. I wish u both the best luck and that ur gf is able to open up and rewards all ur struggles with the deepest affection and love u can imagine. Deep waters need time to be experienced. I truly hope that u both find solutions together on the journey.
@@VictoriaForSale Thank you for writing this.
I cried reading this because I am most of what you've said. We can easily be misunderstood.
If your fiancé still has to ask you if you still love him, that’s pretty unhealthy
At my current situation it hits hard af.
I thought the avoidant was my ex, but it turns out I've been the avoidant in those 6 years of relationship.
I really miss that girl, and that part of me which left with her.
I feel you bro. Miss my Ex almost every day. 😢❤
You learned a very valuable life lesson thanks to that, and you'll be able to have an even better relationship in the future!
@@arhus12 That's what we hope for.
But thank you, bro!
What led you to the conclusion that it was in fact you who were avoidant, and not your partner? Self-reflection is a healthy trait, but it’s hard to draw firm conclusions.
@@Gothmog222 Because there was many things that I kept to myself and even tried to isolate both of us from some social interactions. In the end it was she who always tried to reach me and help with that avoidance and isolation.
trust yourself enough to know when the times has come to leave an avoidant partner. spending time and emotional + mental effort into getting someone to talk to you about their feelings and needs is most likely going to be painful, stressful, humiliating, hurting and in vain. you can spend YEARS trying everything in order to figure someone out. you can be as patient and understanding as you want to, however, if they are not interested in trying to figure out YOUR MIND (or why their behaviour is causing emotional damage in you) it is a one way street. and we all know these kind of streets won't get you anywhere.
don't give yourself up for someone who isn't willing or able to make compromises, to open up, to communicate. you are not 'too needy' - what you need is what you deserve. stop the emotional violence.
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
Thank you! We need more people like you.
been there, I´ve tried really hard to break my avoidant partner's shell... yet in the end it didint work out.... he couldnt handdle intimacy after years trying, and i guess in the end neither did me....
This is the best advice I've seen in a while! I can relate so much to what you've said. This video + other people comments and finally yours, made me to breakup a 2 years toxic relationship that in the past few months, fucked me up really bad, and I could not stand it anymore.
Yes. It always turns into fights with them gaslighting, blaming and being combative and unapologetic.. I'm done.
I’m an avoidant and I feel like among all the attachment styles we’re possibly the most misunderstood. I grew up with abusive and neglectful parents so it’s very difficult for me to trust others because the people who I thought were suppose to love and protect me unconditionally were the ones who hurt me the most. When I was little every time I was sad and wanted to talk to my parents they would yell at me and then hit me so it’s very difficult for me to talk about my feelings and emotions with other people because it brings back bad memories. I tried so hard to make my parents like me but nothing ever seemed to work. I guess I just eventually gave up on trying to get close to them and to other people in general. I don’t know who’s reading this or if anyone will even read this but I’m wishing you the best of luck on your journey, I hope you can become happier :D
thanks 🙏🏻
Read you. Healing is really possible, it takes time and patience and the support of a good therapist.
(Very good experience with Somatic Experiencing and NARM)(books that could be interesting: The body keeps the score/Bessel van der Kolk; Awakening the Tiger/Peter A. Levine).
I understand you have childhood trauma but do not go into a relationship unless you've healed and your significant other is down for you for real where you can trust her/him to express yourself.
@@samaralawrentz1564 I agree with you, I’ve always avoided being in relationships because I know it would be selfish of me to get into one and truthfully I don’t think I’ve ever been interested in dating
Seems we r the most pitiful human on Earth.😟😣
It’s nice seeing videos like this that’re not only accurate but educational. I’m an avoidant person and I feel like the whole attachment style is misunderstood by some people, because we’re not heartless and un-empathetic, if anything I care deeply for a lot of people. Emotional vulnerability and opening up is super complicated though, so my communication skills are shit, and whenever I’m down or upset about something I can never bring it up and I have no idea how to express my needs. This burns me out and I cut off a lot of friendships and relationships because I felt like the other person never understood who I was or what I was feeling, and uh no shit they didn’t, they’re not mind readers. In therapy currently to fix this because being open and honest is essential for anything to work
Don’t even know if a person read that but I wanted to ramble a little :)
Any tips for someone whos the complete oposite of avoidant as shown in the video having an avoidant close friend? ive already learned that the worst thing i can do is be pushing and rather give space and that they need solitude at times. And so far ive gotten good at understanding them and that its part of who they are and have gotten rid of the anxieties generated by their avoidant actions. Our friendship is solid dont get me wrong, and we both never had someone like each other, but still after almost 3 years now, theres that distancing at times and non full trust, despite me trying really hard and are very patient, understanding, etc, yet triggers still happen. So i wanted to ask for some tips from an avoidant type, what would you want from others? what can i do that makes them fell more safe? or am i already doin well as i am and it just needing more time for it to grow? All this without being pushing or desperate, i know they will never be or want what i want and viceversa but i still want to try my best possible :)
@@Marcuri Patience is everything, and ya gotta find a balance between being attentive to them and giving them space. I dated someone with an anxious attachment style and was a friend for 4+ years, and the thing that drove me away was them giving me too much space when I was upset but never allowing me too much time to myself because I always had to tell them where I was and what I was doing if I wasn’t texting them, never how I was or why I was acting different.
If they’re becoming distant or different absolutely ask if anything’s wrong or if something new happened in their life, make the push to show them that you care about them and want to be a supporter to them, and if they open up great, if not remind them that you’re there for them and move on. The best thing a person could do for me in any kind of relationship would be to make me feel heard, and to be able to listen whenever I’m talking about my behaviours and thoughts so they can understand that even though I come off as distant or detached at times, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they did anything wrong, most often I’m upset about some aspect of my life but now I have no way of expressing why I’m upset(fear of being shut down or dismissed entirely if I do open up) so I try to pull away and get better completely alone. It’s unhealthy and I know a lot of the times when I’m isolating I constantly wish I had someone I could open up to without having to worry about judgement or dismissal, and if you can do just that then you’re doing an amazing job
Wanna thank you real quick too for reaching out and asking, shows that you care a lot about your friend :) you’re doing well already and I really hope things work out between the two of you
@@tokoneuro1800 well, i always notice when theyre dif and ask, but most of the time the question seems to be ignored or just hit with a "its fine" which i know it isnt but i dont pry too much.
I want them to open up, it works sometimses but sometimes it doesnt and it sucks at times bc no matter how many times i show im there, listen and care, its still not always them opening up.
Im not as anxious or needy anymore as i used to be when we started, i know they care after all bc we both put in the work even when it isnt easy, but mostly i just wish for them to be able to open up and be able to have the same feeling of trust and safetyness than the one i get from them. And even though i dont trust anyone either, if someone did the things i do or they do to me, id open up, specially after such a long time, ut its still hard for them. Im not really complaining, just wanting them to feel as safe as i do with them.
They say the dont need it as i do, or they are fine that way or thats the way they are, but i know that deep down they want to have that feeling too, even if they deny it.
Idk, maybe i am asking for too much or still sound too needy or controling.
PS.: the persons who asked you where you where or what you was doing but not how you are doing or why sounds more controling than anything else.
Thanks for the replies and praises ^^
@@Marcuri Even if it’s outside of both of your comfort zones, sometimes you do need to pry and ask them again if they’re really fine, and restate the fact that no matter what’s happening you’re there and want to know how they’re doing. For me, opening up was(and still is) hard because my emotions were brushed off from a very young age and seen as an inconvenience, so to make sure I’m not a burden to whoever I’m with I’ll mask my emotions, because being shut down by someone you love can be crushing, and not something anyone wants to experience. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach a point of trusting someone 100% so it’s not exactly a you thing when it comes to their trust, I’ve theorized for me that it’s a coping mechanism so if I ever do leave or if they leave first it’ll hurt a lot less compared to having full faith in them and believing that no matter what they’ll be by my side. Even if I know the person would never leave me it just happens subconsciously, but at the end of the day I really do want that feeling of trust and a deep connection with my friends and future partners, so your friend probably wants it, but doesn’t know how to make it happen
You don’t sound needy or controlling at all, to me it sounds like you want to better understand and support someone who struggles a lot in opening up. Remember though that there’s only so much you can do and that you’re only one person, so even if you do everything right, things still might not work out so don’t blame yourself for them not opening up. Also np, if ya have any more questions I’m more than happy to answer :)
@@Marcuri make no demands
Make no judgements
Be an equal
Be kind, gentle & compassionate
Create no needs
Create interdependence
I've loved an avoidant person before. If they're too avoidant, there's just nothing you can do other than let them go.
Been there
One of the most terrifying moments when talking to avoidants is that they feel 'clarification' as an attack. They can talk about the weather but it is really hard for them talking about their own simplist feelings. This is a cancer for relationship.. This is a tragedy. You can relieve your partner and show sincerity consistently to show your trust. But in the end, they will eventually translate 'sincerity' as an attack. And you will be an invader to their life, as they believe.
This so much. All communication fails. Because not only do they not want to be understood, they are committed to demonise your honesty and open communication in attempt to resolve the issue. It's beyond toxic.
Ray K wow i never knew i could relate to my situation with my girl she very much is an avoidant type and it breaks my heart
@@williamsantiago9284 same here, and honestly I was afraid that she wasn't in love with me anymore. But now I know that she doesn't do it on purpose now, and I'll do My Best to show her that it's ok and that she can trust me, and I will try not push too much either
Jair Liévanos Mora exactly man it’s so sad like she been depressed lately and she doesn’t wanna be helped and communication is lacking
Yeah and punish you with silent treatment.
Immature child behavior.
To be frank, I'll never get with an avoidant partner again. I personally cannot handle it even if I understand it.
Yup. I honestly am broken rn..
@@potatopotatoeOG this too shall pass! I'm sorry you're going through that. I understand how intense that kind of pain can feel. Wishing you the best.
Same...
I want her above all else, but even I know when to walk away .
Oh no😔 I don’t want to damage people like this but idk how to fix myself
As someone with an avoidant attachment style I feel so guilty for causing so much pain for past and present partners. I agree with others here that if you date an avoidant, you should leave as soon as possible to avoid hurting yourself. I do however, want to remind people that avoidant people do want love and affection just as much as everyone else, but the pain and trauma of being neglected or ignored in childhood is hard to overcome.
Doesn't matter,deal with your issues,get therapy before getting into a relationship
Hi, I’ve been seeing a guy for a while now who I’m not dating but we kind of do the relationship thing. He’s avoidant and I JUST realized. Do you know of any ways to get through to him or help him?
@@spookytini6202 Show. Him. This.
Avoidant here. Had I known 5months ago would've saved relationship. I would have pushed to fix this.
It is and it isn’t you can have all of those things happen yes it does leave a large wound just sit in that truck for the rest of your life what are you going to do be like I can’t get close to anybody cause about my parents creepy yes your parents treated you very crappy they shouldn’t and they shouldn’t have abused you but allowing a person that is decent & kind with no Underlying motive is not a bad thing hugs and love to you
@@saramalik5440 Well, don’t date an avoidant partner in the first place rather than expecting them to change.
If you exhibit an anxiety attachment style , then an avoidant attachment individual is likely not suitable for you. They get along far better with other avoidant people and securely attached individuals.
Unfortunately low anxiety attachment personalities seem to be the ideal partner for anxious people rather than the other way around and they are often blamed for not loving enough even when they genuinely love their partner.
As someone on the other side, I was gaslit constantly for not coming out of my shell, not loving them enough, cheating on them even when I did none of such things.
This is basically me and my girlfriend- I am the avoidant one. We are both victims of intimate partner abuse and we have developed opposite ways of dealing with it. We entered our relationship knowing exactly what to expect from one another, and thanks to constant open communication, we actually balance one another and help each other heal.
How to date u... tips pls.. I never get angry with my avoident, but it can hurt like hell.
The world's most beautiful and most creative animations are happening right here. This is a masterpiece.
Couldn't concentrate on the content because the animation was way more intriguing
I can't convey how spot on and deep this is... Someone finally gets how it is we act in those ways.
True
Yes, right???
the animation is too away from reality and the story makes it all look like a fairytale with clear solutions, im not convinced at all, its too stereotypical always
Why your videos always seem to correlate to my actual situation or my recent past
Were all highly unique, yet the same at the same time in many ways
He's stalking you
thats the whole point....general stuff...its like reading through the starsign predictions for the week...general stuff that apply to everyone.
Because the universe supplies always what you need. It also happens to me.
Universe always supplies what que need. Lets be thankful for all lessons even those painful ones
I never thought that being the opposite of the avoidant partner, I could be afraid of closeness too. Really eye-opening.
I know, right !! I just gasped at that part of the video
It's not true for all non-avoidant partners though.
Never thought I’d be the girl who chased, but the first relationship was with an avoidant and I ended it two weeks ago. The answer to this question? You don’t! Don’t chase someone who can’t see your worth; don’t beg anyone to put in basic efforts for a healthy partnership; don’t cry one more tear and wonder why you aren’t loveable enough, wanted enough and ENOUGH for them. Run for the hills and stop banging your head against that same brick wall, trying to change someone who says that they want a committed relationship but aren’t willing to create one. They will procrastinate and KILL your precious time on this earth and they’re okay with doing so because they’re comfortable avoiding any brave actions and stepping out of their little safe bubble! These people have a different kind of childhood trauma that they need to work on before hurting others and bread-crumbing false hope. I am telling you guys: you DO NOT need to convince yourself that you must have this particular person’s love, especially if they cannot provide a fraction of this love that you yearn for and deserve. Love is endless; you should not have to listen to tips and tricks or play any games to gain a piece here and there, or change the other person’s opinion on you/ your relationship. Fuck that. That was painful. Focus on yourself.
😔
I agree. You don’t. It’s not worth it.
The real therapy is in comments.
Sending love. You deserve better ❤️
Thank you so much.
This helped me immensely. I just broke up with an avoidant type. They started to gaslight me into thinking my desires for a closer relationship were unhealthy. Some people are just too far in their shell to open up their hearts.
maybe it inadvertantly came across that way, but did you communicate it with him, did you try to let him know about his trauma? in most cases they just don't know wtf they're doing
but it's okay it's your decision
My DA gf gaslights me all the time due to a pathological need to be right. Thankfully she is seeing a psychologist that does EMDR this week. Looking back I see I've had a habit of choosing a
emotionally unavailable partners. I believe its because my mother was somewhat this way and could be conditional with her affection. So I'm booking myself some more therapy to unravel this.
I'm in this situation now. Even trying counselling but I'm starting to realise the problem (me wanting to feel loved) doesn't lie solely at my feet. Sad times.
They need self awareness, years of therapy, education, hard work, tears, and healing to even have the skillsets and emotional capacity and available to have a healthy and intimate relationship.
Run like hell if you see a DA. Especially if they have low-to-no awareness or desire to change or improve.
Otherwise you’ll end up as the abused caretaker who ends up healing them just to be devalued discarded and disrespected along the way. You only get what you sign up for and tolerate. Walk away at the first sign of distancing and mistreatment. Call out their behaviors and if they don’t meet you halfway, move onz
My ex was avoidant and I'm the anxious type, we got together and broke up a few time, I know he was hurt when he broke up with me (he always the one broke up) it seemed like he felt I need so much time from him and he felt unhappy, then wanted to break up, but after not having me around then wanted to get close again. Our relationship was so toxic, I was pretending that I was okay when he ignored my needs or didn't call me. I felt guilty if we talked and I asked him to spend more time with me, but when he broke up with me the last time, I met another guy who is a secure type, and I feel so relieved because he is also happy to spend time with me. I feel that I can trust and be vulnerable with him, and don't have to worry that I get close to him to much.
Hey...I am in a similar situation now. My ex is an avoidant type. He broke up with me once after 3 months of dating but came back after 5 days of no-contact. I tried to meet all his needs, just wanted a lil respect, that is all. But he called that emotional abuse and now he has left me again, saying he does not feel the same way about me anymore and cant deal with the emotions. I do not know what to do...
Thank you Sonia b there is hope for us too
I'm glad things turned out great. I'm dealing with an avoidant person. Ghosted me for 2 weeks the first time texted for 4 weeks then ghosted again. I have been questioning my worth, feeling depressed. It's so toxic. I want to stop loving him, but I can't.
@@areebaahsan2713 , he doesn't necessarily sound avoidant to me. Sounds to me like maybe it's just a classic case of incompatibility. Most of the people we date aren't going to be right for us. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean he was Avoidant, just probably not the best match for each other. Dating is mostly disappointment from working through people who aren't right for you just to find the one who is. The minute you know it's not right, don't waste any time moving on.
Good on you girl. Happiness and blessings.
I had a partner like this once. I really tried hard but very carefully as well to show her that we can handle everything as a team, but ultimately had to break up with her, because she really did betray me in the end. Never thing that you can be the solution to a problem. If she doesen't work on herself, don't bother
Might I ask what happened? Avoidents can sometimes find themselves in need of soothing wich often comes with coping such as alcohol, drugs and/or sex
@@onnol917 sure. i tried to teach her how to communicate better, but ended up with someone who said she could talk to me about each and everything while writing very intimately with her boss behind my back. when I found out about this, she told me that she was looking for friendships nothing else, even tho she reconized that he was flirting with her. She told me that she kept it hdden because she knew that I would "get angry" because of it. She was convinced that it is absolutly normal to send alot of private pictures of her to him as well. When we got in an argument she talked to him about it and he took the opportunity to talk badly about me of course. When I told her that I felt betrayed she told me that she wouldn't write to him anymore, but just got more and more secretive anyway. I really tried to get over this and liked to work with her on our relationship, but she wasn't willing to invest any effort into it. She rather avoided any communication about it, like she always did when anything serios needed to be discussed.
I never did anything bad to her and always tried to support her. But I just knew eventually that our relationship was beyond repair and broke up with her. The breakup hit me much harder than her. She eventually moved out and got into another relationship a month later. One can just wonder who the lucky guy might be. I'm not sure if she actually cheated on me while we were together, but she definietly didn't waste any time. I later heard that she is telling everyone that she broke up with me for some reason. Oh boy.
it is kind of funny. Everyone of my friends didn't like her at all and everyone even her old friends warnt me for her. But even though I couldve had much better girls in my live, I really loved that girl. We even moved in together. I really saw everything through rose-colored glasses
@@matzewrath yeah I see the patterns and I feel for you. Avoident attractive women almost always have options running in the background. They are notoriously secretive both to protect themselves but it also gives them space to live "secret lives" that help them selfsoothe.
I know what loving someone like this feels like and the caviat is that they are always 1 foot in a relationship and 1 foot out. They want attention and affection but not the commitment. Thats why they can move on so quickly, they never attached as deep as you did.
And when being a woman and being attractive there is a nonstop supply of this. They are not bad people but their behavior hurts the ones close to them while they perform for the 'casual' contacts and those will hurt them in return (avoidents are drawn to narcisists and the like who appear to be strong without too many needs but really break an avoidents mental health with gaslighting and such).
I hope this has not turned you bitter, something that is so easely done, and forgive her to let it go. There will be people that appreciate more of you without this toxic dynamic.
Edit: sorry to say but she did cheat. Maybe not physicly but you know she did.
@@matzewrath You managed to break off from a toxic relationship even though you loved her. Well done
@@onnol917 not just attractive woman. Attractive guys can do equal damage too.
I recently figured out im an avoidant person. A couple of weeks ago, my partner ended our relationship after years of struggle and him asking for more communication, physical contact, intimacy etc. This video brought me to tears. I just thought this whole time i was a bad person for not being able to provide him what he needed, i felt insufficient but most importantly i felt scared. I was afraid of him having complete access to my feelings and being able to hurt me. I tried to protect myself as much as possible, having zero communication when problems presented, denying his necessities and acting cold and convincing myself that i did not care. Yet, he is the closest person i have ever been to. I begged him to not leave me but now i can see how much pain i might have caused on him without that ever being my intention. I hope he is better now, he can heal and forgive me. I truly loved him. Thanks.
If you've really had an epiphany, why not tell him?
I am an avoidant and it's so hard because I've become increasingly aware of this state. I haven't had any successful relationships where I've been happy because the moment I feel things are getting good and intimate I always run away. It's like my body resists the affection and I'm trying to get therapy for it as I'm afraid I'll never be able to be in a healthy and happy relationship. I feel like many people don't recognize avoidants and how hard it is for us also. It seems there is more help for those who have an anxious type because they arent seen as the 'assholes'
Wow this is so precise! Scarily close.😮💨
I’m sorry your seen as assholes!!! That is so unfair!!! It’s clearly from some kind of trauma and u deserve just as much help as us anxious….I wish u healing ❤️🩹 and discernment with new people that come into ur life
But whats the point of this armor if it keeps the love away too?
@@angieacosta2811 Because even the chance of getting hurt is risky and terrifying, obviously.
@@angieacosta2811 bcz we don't want it.
We think it's gonna be conditioned if we accept being loved, we may end up being trapped, humiliated, used...
and the other partner will use every info, emotions, family problms or health conditions against us Whether so he can
feel Superior than us or to destroy us in any sort of way
So all we want is to be left alone and engage with us but not on a deeper level please I would help u, make u happy but don't get to know me more.
I'm avoidant and I'm honestly trying. It's hurting like hell.
Yes it hurts....
Keep working through your pain cuz this is the true path to growth. Don’t start enjoying it or using it as an excuse. Don’t get stuck in your pain-keep moving through it.
A good reasoning is we’ll be hurt if we don’t let others in and can’t be vulnerable but we’ll also be hurt if we push others away and keep ourselves emotionally and for some physically isolated. So if we’ll be hurt regardless - which pain would you rather have?
Well done to you for trying to change...baby steps but do not stop
you can do this, please remember you're not alone!! we're all trying :)
Wow…the point that was raised in this video about the “non avoidant” partner actually also being avoidant, but by proxy. So very true. I am someone who has recently found myself very attracted to avoidant partners, and in questioning this attraction I have arrived at some loose conclusions that it must be a thread within me too. It’s easier to say “Oh, they’re avoidant”, but the truth is I am afraid too…
Thank you for raising this point and for elaborating it so clearly.
it was after dating and chasing after an avoidant that i realized that i treat anyone who shows interest in me the same way the avoidant treated me.
yesssss
Yea I like the space but that very space also is what makes me upset. It is a weird dynamic
Nah, the Fearful avoidant will cause the secure to become anxious
Or, the non-avoidant person simply begins to realize (maybe more subsequently) that they really aren’t ever going to actually get that openness and reciprocal sharing of feelings. They are so deep into the relationship and finally understand this is never going to change.
They are afraid to try to be close knowing it will be rejection, again. Therefore, become “avoidant” in that relationship anyways.
“They skillfully undermine their chances of being close, because they have no experience of reliable love” 100% felt called out.
Anxious avoidants and avoidants should NOT be together. Each one triggers the other ones defenses. Fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment. If you are avoidant, find someone secure who won’t run. Otherwise you will live in a toxic push and pull - not healthy.
Wow you just described my marriage. And why it's been hard. I have a fear of abandonment and he has a fear of intamacy. It has been a push and pull. I'm glad to read this because it makes me aware of what the problem is. And what I can actually focus on in myself. The Lord has been working on my heart on this very issue and it makes it so clear. Thanks!
sarah s Hi Sarah - I was in a relationship like this for 2 years, it was so painful. I really believed with patience he would finally see that I loved him. I had to learn that I couldn’t make him put down his walls, so ultimately I ended it. And what is described in this video is exactly what happened. He ran as far away as possible. I am sad that he couldn’t find it within himself to stand still. I want and deserve a partner that will stand still with me. I can’t fix others when I should be fixing myself.
@@Taryn101 Damn you're absolutely right. Two avoidants can't be together. It will never work
In my case, it was the avoidant who always ran. Even during a conflict. It was the saddest thing I've ever witnessed.
Or try EFT.
As an avoidant partner...this was helpful. I will continue to work on myself with the hope I will be secure one day
🙌🏾🙌🏾
Rachel Bennett, you deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
I'm an avoidant partner too. Fortunately, I sometimes catch myself in the act and I try my best to be more reliable and reasonable for my partner. I cannot totally eliminate my avoidant tendencies but with practice, I've been doing better even if just by incremental progress.
This is the correct attitude. Well done.
I'm an avoidant person, I'd love to add the "partner" word but sadly my way to be doesn't let me expose myself to a relationship, have been working on it for a long time, years, but I'm starting to think it will never really change and i just have to accept the fact I'm gonna spend my life alone
I just ended a relationship with an avoidant, and whilst it isn't their fault for being that way it was the most damaging relationship of my life. How quickly they shift from hot and cold, constantly demanding things from you whilst throwing it back in your face when you expect the same in return.
The closer you get the further they pull away, she would get angry at the smallest of issues and use stone walling/ghosting for weeks on end as punishment, instead of communicating to fix said problems. Projecting her own problems onto myself and in the end I had to find out from her 16 year old sister that the relationship was over.
Do not waste your time with these people, they need to get help so they can form a secure relationship. They will rip you apart until you're shell of your former self, and having to pick up the pieces after the fact is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face in my life.
I suspect they'll also avoid getting the help. Hiding behind being distant will continue. It is one thing not being the life and soul of the party but they should be able to open up at home. And whatever I did was wrong give space it still wasn't enough.
I needed this, Thank you
@markhunt9643 Ghosting part is so true and also giving silent treatment as a way to punish. I had to go through this as well but I'm glad it ended soon. When I started getting serious about the relationship he kind of disappeared and broke up by blocking me
@@thripuranenimary5592these are cowards nothing else
Dont deal with an avoidant partner, just find somebody who truly make you happy. Relationships shouldn’t be so hard, a constant walk uphill. I tried to date an avoidant for 2 years a got nothing but disappointment and loneliness. With him I was constantly expecting something to change, to be better, to be more and that never happened. One day, after so many times of him pushing me away I just went…went and never looked back. It was painful at the beginning but the sense of relief of not having to deal with that again was much bigger. The sense of peace that came over my life afterwards made the decision very worth it. Never again, I have learned my lesson.
I'm an avoidant... but when he said that avoidants are experts at fleeing I felt so called out 😂 I've run away from so many friendships, relationships and family issues.
I have that girl,
Super dates, great connection
A wonderful kiss..
And boom out of the blue...
Gone!.. She was so into me .. And now 😔
Can you see yourself In that behavior?
Ikr. Master of ghosting
@@jizzlow123 If it were me, I might have started avoiding the relationship because of a fear of commitment, plus knowing I'm too lazy to put in work into the relationship. And because of my own laziness I can already see that causing problems in the relationship. Problems that I don't want to deal with. Plus I probably put myself down, by telling myself I'm not good enough to be someone's gf, while also justifying my actions by saying he'll probably find a nicer more independent and capable gf later on so technically I'm doing him a favor. But deep down inside I probably know I'm just running away like a coward
@@munecabonbon each person is different but yes you have said exactly what I would have thought and done lol so yep it's something an avoidant person would do, not because they don't like the partner but because they're simply not ready to have one.
I.e. i run away at the first chances to know someone i could be with
Same
Can you make a video in the Avoidant person's perspective including how they could change themselves?
I am avoidant.
Traveling for some time saved me from becoming completely avoidant. Besically leaving comfort zone and embracing vulnerability. I have become more extroverted and realized that even though I am still spending most of my time alone, I am taking initiative and invite people to spend time with me. It might also have something to do with thinking about death and the feeling of regret. If you have the feeling that you might regret something later, just find the courage to make the choice so you know you will have no regrets later. Don't wait for somebody to take initiative for you, because they eventually get tired and, as described in this video, give up on you because they think you are not interested in them. Start conversations with people and show genuine interest in their lives. Try to be honest in conversations about how you feel/don't feel so people understand your personality. Just say how things are and be not ashamed of how you are. If you have a choice between staying at home and e.g. enjoy a video game and an invitation to do something else you can choose the invitation, even though you think you prefer to spend time alone. I caught myself more often regretting that I did not take the opportunity to spend time with somebody else than choosing to stay on my own. I think accepting who you are and being honest about yourself, explaining it to other people will turn you into a strong self-confident person who will eventually learn to take hits and keep getting up.
@@Shinobistrider Thanks for sharing! I needed this!
*asking for a friend
If you are avoidant and want to change yourself, then you just need to start trusting people and let that trust be successful. Avoidance is an effective coping strategy for situations where you cannot trust those you depended on. You need to recognise what situation led to you being avoidant, get into a situation with people who you can trust, then trust them. If it's successful, you'll feel more and more comfortable trusting others. An important thing to remember though, is that as an avoidant person, you will interact in a way to other people that can cause them to be difficult to deal with, further, you are likely also to be drawn to people who it is difficult to have non-avoidant relationships with, as growing up it is likely you dealt with these types of people a lot, so they seem comfortable. Healthily attached people can seem scary to avoidant attachments, as they require you to open up as well.
Not all invasions are hostile m8
I won't go through this again. I am hurting so badly trying to love him and show him what love feels like. I am now in pieces, and believe me I did not need that or deserve it.
I'm not sure if I'm exactly avoidant. But I find it hard to share feelings or anything difficult I'm going through to my partner and my friends. Don't want to find myself relying on them too much. Because I'm scared they will go away someday soon so rather never get to that point of needing them in that way. I try to keep a certain limit to intimacy i guess. But I share everything else. I enjoy with them and laugh and talk But can't share my vulnerable side. Lock myself away when I'm feeling vulnerable.
That's exactly what I was like with my ex-partners. I now realise that's why they're ex-partners and not current partners. My most recent partner was also an avoidant, which certainly didn't help our situation.
Since we've been separated, I realise I have covert anxiety and decidophobia, which you can research yourself to see if they apply to you. While I was with my most recent partner, I had a huge decision to make (where to buy my first home). There were circumstances that made it difficult for me to decide, but I ended up in so many 'what if?' and overthinking loops that I ended up not making a decision at all and getting priced out of the market. I never realised I had anxiety, but I feel that if I have been more open with my partner then both of our lives would be much better now.
I recommend seeking help for anxiety, or at least watching videos about the subject. I've certainly found that they have helped me understand the cognitive distortions that I have had for years, which have prevented me from making decisions. They have cost me over £150k and have ruined the lives of both my ex-partner and me.
Don't be afraid of opening up to your partner. I know that's easier said than done. You may think that you appear to be stronger by keeping your emotions inside you without sharing them, but it will do you both more damage in the long run.
To put it in to context, if I had been more open with my ex, then I (or we) could be living in my own lovely home, almost mortgage free now. Instead, I'm homeless, priced out of the market where I would like to live and having to borrow, at an interest rate four times what I could have borrowed at. I'm also in a job that I hate, (because anxiety stopped me applying for a job I should have applied for). I never thought this would happen to me, but since I've been single I can see that my avoidant nature has ruined me.
Does definitely sound like an avoidant attachment style. Go read about attachment styles, it can be very useful to understand ourselves, and finding the right tools to improve!
@@kwilson5832 Sounds like a very difficult situation! Don't be so hard on yourself though, I'm sure it's not so black and white as you say, that if you only didn't have this issue everything would be perfect. Every now and then we need really harsh life lessons to show us what our problems are in order to overcome them. The most important decision isn't whether or not to buy a house, it's whether or not you're gonna take that life lesson and do the really hard work on yourself. We all have issues, and we generally don't see the struggles of others so we might not know how hard it's been for someone to get where they are. But it doesn't matter for you. You are you and you only have your life. Now you got this life lesson really show you what you have to do. Don't give up, work on it, you'll come out so much stronger in the end! Much better than the hypothetical version of you who's having a happy life with a house.
@@arhus12 Thank you for your response. I am not implying that my life would have been perfect if it hadn't been for our avoidant personalities, but was just trying to share some advice based on my experience. I realise now that I was struck with anxiety and just wasn't thinking rationally. I also had cognitive distortions which although I thought I believed myself, I never shared with anyone, so deep down, I must have known they were wrong.
I do believe that if my ex and I had shared our goals with each other and made plans to achieve them, we would both be in a better place now. Instead, we just drifted along with a vague idea about each other's dreams. We could then have helped each other to achieve them.
@@kwilson5832 I'm sure you've learned and developed a lot thanks to those experiences. I sure have from my last relationship and all the mistakes we both did. Relationships is the best way to learn about ourselves 💪💪
This hits so close to home that it made me feel like was personally attack attacked...
I personally felt supported lmao. I've never received support on my attachment style so this means a lot to me (I know you were joking)
it's easy to be with someone you have no feelings for, than to be with someone you have so much love.
hmm, is that the reason people sometimes ditch their mates for a more "surface level" partner?
Right. I learned that lesson hard
But it makes being with someone that has no feelings for you, easy for them to leave you like it's nothing
@@CominAtYa54321 yeah also I feel like it's pretty obvious when someone is just there for an easy relationship.
.
Doesn't mean it is easy to leave and the first time I had real love for someone he was an avoidant so I didn't learn my lesson very quick
.
The power dynamic there is fucked. Avoidants should get with people who match their energy and love or secure but for some weird reason they really love us anxious folks
.
But for some reason we really love avoidant folks. It is a disaster so im putting a break on dating until I an ready for a secure guy
@@bluraine7739 oh yeah for sure! Like it's clear as day when somebody is like playing hard to get, if you want to call it that, or they're just plain right not willing to fully commit.
And my apologies, I worded that wrong. If they didn't really have that love for you then them leaving and getting over you is a lot easier for them.
Yeah, that does seem to be the case doesn't it 😂.
Yeah, by all means take all the time in the world. I really do hope you find that person you've been waiting for and rightfully deserve, or the next relationship you find yourself in works out well enough that you grow past all the issues you may face :)
P.S. Sorry it was edited, somehow sneezed and accidentally pressed send
I'm an avoidant type, but I'm aware of it and don't try to gas light my partner. I've made it plainly clear to him what's wrong with me and why I am the way I am; and yes, I was abandoned by important figures in my life when I needed them most.
Being honest helps the relationship a lot, because he knows it's not because i don't care. He also gives me regular space if I start to feel overwhelmed. I do make efforts for him as well; it's not all one sided effort. But, it's definitely harder for me to comply, I'm not going to lie.
Oh man. That's me.
I need my "me-time" all the time. But the best thing you could do for me as a partner is simply say "it's ok. Take your time. I'm happy to see you again whenever you're ready, my love." in a loving and calm way. This would make me so comfortable that I actually wouldn't need the me-time anymore.
My other half is avoidant, and I learned to accept the love he is able to give and it skyrocketed our relationship. When I am willing to accept his love without demands, he opens up and becomes less distant. We have been together for 20 years and married for 18. I can tell you with 100% honesty that all they need is to not have the demands of what you want put upon them. I started our relationship that way and he ran every time. I had to learn to give myself the attention and love I wanted and that made me less needy and pushy with him, and able to accept his distance and let him have his space with happiness.
If you truly love the person, love yourself enough to give you what you need, and your avoidant partner will begin to feel safe and open up around you. It is beautiful
I'm glad it worked out for you! Unfortunately not all avoidants are the same. Also, I'm a bit confused about how a relationship with no demands works - how can a partnership work if no one asks for anything from the other?
Its so hurtful but hopeful to read this. I am in the same situation as you were when your relationship started and its difficult not to feel alone or abandoned when he shuts me out if I tell him Id like for us to talk more. However, on occasions he has told me he will always be there to give me reassurance when I need it. I know I have a jewel of a man. Him being covered in avoidance are just the thorns, but the beauty of that rose makes it worth it.
@@9Nikko8 there's a difference between demands and requests. Requests are when it's clear 'no' is an acceptable answer. Demands are when 'no' is unacceptable. But I think Delight might mean accepting him as he is, accepting what he is able to give and cherishing just that, and meeting needs he can't meet elsewhere. The love we receive is not limited to a romantic partner's love. I accept what my avoidant partner is able to give, make requests when I'm unhappy with something (early so it doesn't become a big deal), and otherwise try and get the needs he can't meet met elsewhere.
This was amazing advice thank you 💕
What about physical needs? Did you ladies have those issues with your guys? Did you have to deal with a partner who was not interested in sex or other physical intimacy? I would like to hear advice on that.
This is it. This is why I choose avoidant partners. Then I can blame them and not take responsibility for being avoidant myself. It took me one video and 46 years to realise this. 😭😭😭
Better late than never 💕
I just realized this too. I keep attracting unavailable people, because I'm so scared to really open up myself. This video was so good for me to see.
What a great insightful video! I’m happy to see others to come to this insight
Leonard Cohen’s Stranger Song
@Ammar Ahsan yeah i hate it i opened up too.. and now i am hurt.. I chose to be vulnerable in hopes it would case them to open up..
It did some but in the end it didn’t
I'm not an avoidant partner (quite the opposite) but I am an avoidant friend. Almost chronic childhood lonliness, bullying, being taken advantage of, and giving more than getting back made me like this in adulthood. Only the past couple of years was I able to make friends that I trusted enough to invest emotionally into that I am now able to, tentatively reach out to on my own terms. What helped, was realizing a lot of people in their 20s feel this way, and in some ways are struggling the same, and so I may be doing both of us a favor by reaching out first. Even if it ends up being a waste of time, I didn't do anything wrong for sincerely caring about someone and their company and shouldn't beat myself down over it. It helps that I am genuinely close with my partner though, and am able to see worth in myself, to other people, through that relationship.
This!!!!
I am in my almost 40s and I feel that way
Anxious people need to realize that Avoidant blow up and leaving usually comes after a long period of their boundaries getting broken. Without them, well, clearly expressing their boundaries. You can sorta poke and probe them a little bit and guide them to communicate their boundaries. And while it’ll take a minute, they WILL EVENTUALLY CRACK. The issue is you probably won't like to hear what they have to say, and they know that, so they just say nothing and bottle it up instead. It’s kinda sweet how an avoidant will forgo their own needs to satisfy the needs of the other partner. But, paradoxically, this can cause them to have pent-up resentment which ends with them leaving the relationship.
If you know their attachment style and can give them the space to open up about their boundaries. They actually WILL set the boundaries. And your interactions will be far better in the long term. This requires the anxious person thought to be cognizant of the other persons needs though, and not immediately deem them as irrational. Then be willing to state their own NEEDS, not their WANTS.
as an preoccupied anxious whose learning to be more secure. i’ve found that i have a lot of WANTS that are entirely negotiable. a lot of the wants i have are met inherently by my avoidant partner. But my WANT for a complete combination of lives isn’t practical nor healthy in the modern world. It’s actually good for both parties to have a level of autonomy, personal security, and time for personal introspection.
an avoidant partner internalizes their feelings and needs help externalizing them
an anxious persons over externalizes all their feelings and sometimes needs to internalize them.
This is probably why we demonize avoidants so much anyways in these comment sections. We’re externalizing out problems while our exs, who are probably watching the same video, keep their shit to themselves.
The beautiful thing about this idea is that if both parties can get a bit more secure in their communication they actually cover the other ones core weakness. Given that they both don’t give up due to the paradox of choice phenomena. That being said, I think the work is worth it.
as an avoidant person myself, im scared to get into a relationship because i know i might hurt them without realizing
Same
Omg same here. I just broke up after 4 months for no reason.
Same for me. Sometimes I show love and a lot of affections. But other day, I may disappear and avoid completely from them. I know that would makes my partner feel confused and undesired, but I can't help. Deep down I want to be connected to that person. But the action of speaking up about my insecurities and secrets to other people just terrifies me. So I choose to cope with everything by my own. This unquestionably leads to the lack of communication. That is the reason for my second break up with my boyfriend. Hope to improve it soon.
As someone married to an avoidant who threw away the best years of her life trying to figure out what the problem was and always being the one in therapy: yes, please do fuck off, because you people are life-ruiners.
(Mind you, just taking responsibility as you do in your statement makes you better than any avoidant I've dealt with... so there may be hope for you yet!)
people think i’m uninterested but i’m scared and need a lot longer than others to open up. even reassuring them verbally doesn’t seem to work, if i’m not ready to jump in w both feet in a couple of months then i’ll never be and i’m wasting their time so they give up and move on. whole time they don’t know i was just starting to feel like i could trust them and maybe give it a shot. depressing af. really starting to think the dating scene isn’t for me and i should let something happen organically with someone who’s physically around me a lot, or not at all. i’ll just buy a cat and sit in a sun spot and paint til i’m old
The last part really hit home for me. I'm the anxious partner disguising my fear of intimacy and vulnerability by being attracted to people who aren't able to give it the affection I'm longing for to me...
That fear is innate to the anxiously attached: that they don't deserve unconditional love.
It’s just astonishing how every physiological problem these days goes back invariably to ones childhood experiences. I hope future parents will be mindful of these things.
Being avoidant is like being in the eye of a hurricane. You know it’s not the most comfortable place to be, but it mimics peace and it would require going out into the hurricane to get to the other side. The dangers of said hurricane feel like love and support. It feels like a trap to move out of the eye because then you’d be in the hurricane. But also you’re still in the hurricane when you’re in the eye. It’s like learning that the hurricane is actually good and not a hurricane.
Wow! that's a great metaphor!
Let me add context to that for you: It’s like seeing your loved one calling to you for help through a “hurricane”. But not wanting to brave it yourself, because you are uncomfortable…while they wither away
Wow. This has kinda blown my mind. You’ve shown me what it means to be anxiously attached from a new perspective. We fool ourselves into thinking we want closeness, by pawning after someone just as scared of it as we are, to maintain the distance we secretly find safe.
My therapist told me that I keep finding men who aren't available because i'm afraid of closeness.. They live far away, are inlove with someone else, have just gotten out of a relationship and so on! And right now, I'm into a guy who clearly is avoidant... Don't know what to do about this pattern though
@Laura UK stop speaking on people as though they are all the same like you said FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES everyone is not the same you being an avoidant I'm sure have made a lot of mistakes, both anxious and avoidant people need to stop blaming each other and saying who's the worst of the bunch, both avoidants and anxious attachment are flawed and that's why we must practice healing and self love! avoidants can actually learn from anxious people, just like anxious can definitely learn from avoidants because you guys actually have characteristics that we need more of and anxious have characteristics that the avoidant needs more of too we BOTH need to learn!
Incredibly well put
@@ocean91 try dating someone you wouldn’t normally go for. A different cultural background. A different personality. A different sort of date.
Yes this is absolutely true and what I’ve realize too. True intimacy scares me bc being in a home with a father who was abusive verbally and angry I’m afraid to get close to people. I notice when men really want to move forward I back up
It can also be hard to leave, you don't want to feel like you're "abandoning" them knowing their issues.
Yea, exactly.
For sure
True but you have to love yourself first
You staying in your lane would help your partner become better. Don't try to save people who are no long below 10 years of age
A Million percent!! And even worse when your in love with them Whilst I have a lot of compassion for them and understand why they became like this it's still a real struggle to live in it all When you really desire closeness on every level
..😢
I'm an avoidant big time. I really like this girl and we dated for years. I never fully broke down my walls and it lead to multiple mistakes with the right woman. She told me when we broke up that I was an avoidant. Now I'm here. Let's be better for the people we love. They deserve us
The way you address her as "this girl" says you didn't connect with her in the first place. It's just too impersonal to call someone you had feelings for "this girl". And, you didn't deserve her probably.
In a similar situation I think. And after a couple months I already know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna tell them what I need from a relationship. If they aren't willing to try to accommodate me just as I already have for them, then like with any partner I'm gonna dump them. Because I'm not gonna give someone my time if they cannot give me theirs. It's reality, and it's better for them to swallow this pill now then later. I refuse to be patient for them to fix themselves, because reality isn't some romance movie. My mental health is at stake. And 9 times out of ten, most people cannot change and fix themselves. And I ain't waiting on a miracle.
The fact that we have to go through all this rocket science just to find and keep a partner is just more reason to be single.
Not necessarily.. we all have our own demons and the right one will know how to love that person properly vice versa.
It's a fairly simple concept. Not rocket science. The hard part is finding someone who is willing to also try to keep a relationship going
Ava Sinistra yep!
Logically said. But emotionally unempathetic ;)
💯
I see many comments about breaking up with avoidant types presumably because they may always be avoidant, which we as anxious types would struggle to live with no matter how much we come to understand them. But I think there's a message in a video that we may have missed, as it's not the simplest one to grasp, and it may also be difficult for us to accept: That if we don't look within ourselves and deal with our anxious tendencies from within, we will struggle in ANY relationship we may have in the future, not just this one we're ending now. We need to realise, as the video puts it, our own fears of closeness, which are manifested by our tendencies to choose avoidant partners. The point is, even if they miraculously changed their ways and started to show us the unquestionable love we ask for in sufficient amounts, we will probably not believe them, and find a way to deny their sincerity. Or perhaps even become avoidant ourselves, in different ways. This would probably also happen if we were to deliberately choose non-avoidant partners. The anxious type side of the equation is as much of a problem in this anxious-avoidant conundrum as the avoidant side is. The happiness and security we dream of cannot come unless and until we address our own anxiety. Other SoL videos can help us overcome this. And it'll take time. But remember, we can have what we want, as long as we take responsibility.
Perfectly said. I've been an anxious type for far too long and have suffered. Thanks to an avoidant that I very much love, I've come to really look within myself and now am working my way to becoming secure.
❤ this right here incredible.
As an avoidant type I can agree with this. Whilst I have difficulty reciprocating affection, I genuinely love my SO from the bottom of my heart.
Generally it’s the extreme anxiety exhibited by anxiety types (Fearful and Anxious) that push me away and behaviours such as questioning “Why don’t you love me?” “Look at X and Y, why can’t we be like them?” and mechanisms of forcing me to reciprocate love such as set times I must spend time together with them which tear at my heart. In my eyes, it suggests that they doubt my love in them and makes me want to further distance myself.
I will never reject snuggles, or random affection. I do not mind spending time in the same room, doing chores, chatting or watching movies together. Doing sweet things and spending time can happen on the fly.
Just don’t doubt my love because it only goes downhill from there. The avoidant type has tried many times before to no success to please the anxious types to learn that it never works. So their solution is to lock themselves away and to give up on love.
(Yes, I’ve tried reciprocating love but it was never enough to them. I never “tried hard enough”, even when I knew everything about them, cooked their favourite dishes, learned and shared all their interests etc)
The only thing I’ve learned is to either find another avoidant personality, a securely attached personality or to become a securely attached personality myself but fixing childhood issues isn’t easy.
at no point did the video state that this IS a trait of the anxious attachment style. It literally just asks the anxious to consider it in self reflection. Don’t muddy the waters here, that’s just another avoidance technique.
@@RyLo18D I've dated someone like you. Avoidant, cold & distant but tries to be affectionate. Like you, she also reciprocates, in her own way. My only issue was how consistent she was with being avoidant, so me at that time not knowing anything about attachment styles, whenever she reciprocates something or does something that's affectionate, it always comes off as being too unusual or odd for me to take in, like, I'm wondering if her display of love is even genuine. It made me go crazy. It's like dating two different people.
I’ve always struggled with anxious attachment, and it’s really refreshing to see those dealing with avoidant attachment depicted here with empathy and understanding. While yes, I often feel very hurt in the anxious/avoidant dynamic, it’s not fair how those with avoidant are depicted in so many videos, often as the enemy, which is so often not true in the slightest. It’s a difficult and grey dynamic, and both people need, want, and deserve compassion. Thank you for showing that both people are experiencing pain in their own way.
Married to one for many years. The most painful form of loneliness is to be contunually rejected by your partner in every adpect of life. When pressured, he says he loves me....which is enough to keep me from leaving. Settling for this must mean that i too have an attatchment issue.
co-dependant 😢🫤
your videos about avoidant and anxious partnerships always make me cry and get to me. my partner is quite avoidant and i am extremely anxious and i love the way you reorient my perspective of our relationship. remind me that it is more important to care than to accuse, and that we are both scared in this world... instead of blaming each other for not being perfect, instead we should just try to accept each other and prove to each other that real love can and does exist...
thanks school of life
I have been in this place before so I'd just say that really assess whether it's viable for your partner to meet your needs. If not, you will spend the majority of the relationship hurting. We all want to make it work, so I completely understand. 💕
@Calla Antoinette y'know i appreciate you looking out but i don't think that's the point of this video... to just give up
@@hhaannnnaahh222 oh believe me, i've been assessing. we've been together for a long time and have never been shy about discussing what works and what doesnt for us. it's been really helpful for us to have found some language and theory to apply to our actual lives and help us work through things.
Reilly Stevens aww me too
True but reality it's not the same... woman are more superficial this day's and end up divorcing.
I love the human Compassion in there videos. So many people just give up on people. Not realizing they themselves are operating out of fear. There’s a difference between self-love or self respect and putting other people down or trashing them because they behave differently than you. We all deserve a little understanding in some way or another. Rather than label everyone a narcissist maybe show them patience and understanding. You’ll need it someday too.
Khya H, some people are narcissistic though, so it’s not easy being patient and trying to understand their position when it feels like you’re fighting a losing battle.
But I agree we all deserve a little understanding from time to time because at the end of the day we are just the products of our environment.
I’m here trying to understand someone’s position but how am I meant to know whether she wants me to understand her position or not? That’s a serious question by the way I am soo god damn confused.
yeah it is cool but in reality avoidance is really hurtfull and damaging in long run so I don't think there's a reason to stay with a person who is destroing you and demanding all the unedrstanding while constantly puting you down and blaming. I know a lot of stories about relationships like that that lasted for 20 years and nothing evere changed. This kind of personality is really, really hard. And they will usually pick people who are emotionaly open, expresive and often very axious, empathetic and not so sure about themselves because secure people won't put themselves into such hell and with the other avoidant it is basically impossible : D
Couldnt have expressed it any better. Everyone is so quick to give up and ditch people
It is less about giving up but more about protecting ones heart. Also I experienced it that the avoidant lover sabotaged the relationship and kept pushing me to the limits. The clearer I expressed what would lead me to go away to protect my sanity the more I got pushed to exactly that point. for example I say dont promise me things you already know you cannot deliver and guess what happened, I kept being lied to. It was as if they were just waiting for me to go and the more patience I had the more extreme the behaviour it got, up to gaslighting and abusive words. It can't come only from one side. But if the avoidant is actually trying too I can imagine it maybe working out.
@@elvchenschwarz6217 that is different. I'm talking about the people who say "this is hard, I'm tired of trying." Being gaslighted and manipulated is a whole other ballgame.
In my experience, avoidant partners are like that one cat who runs away when you try to pet it. The more you try to coerce it into letting you pet it, the more it’ll run away. The trick is to allow the cat to come to you. The process isn’t easy and it may not be the same for every cat, but it’s incredibly rewarding when it happens, because that cat’s affection is not something it’ll give anyone else.
Of course, I say this as someone who is avoidant 🙄
Well I appreciate your analogy lol
A cat going away doesn't hurt you in any way, contrary to the avoidant. Cats are not as emotionally and intellectually capable as humans, so you know you are the one responsible for keeping and developing the relationship between you two. You know the cat has no way of knowing or considering your emotional needs, so you don't expect it to be an equal partner in your friendship. You'll never be tricked into trusting them or relying on a cat.
This is not a real adult connection. This is a parent-child relationship, and no decent human being will ever put another through that. Please stay away of other humans until you work on your traumas, because no one deserves to be traumatised by a cat-human who only wants to take, and thinks that breadcrumbs of their affection are somehow a prize for being there for them anytime they wish, while they won't even consider being there for the other person. That's insanely cruel of you to even think that of yourself and other people.
@@kvannestorbjorn1316 Well, yes, there's clearly a difference between cats and people, and if the metaphor is analyzed literally it breaks down. My point was that it can take patience and perhaps some counter intuitive methods to get someone who's avoidant to warm up to you. Obviously, if they maintain distance and are lacking communication/affection even when the relationship is getting serious, that's a problem. Not entirely sure where you're getting this idea that I just want to "take," but you've clearly had a bad experience with an avoidant in the past.
Well I feel you little Kiwi man. I too am terrified will I ever be free of this. I wish to be close I wish never to be discovered I wish to be loved and to uncover another but never of myself and never discovered by my mother things they will never know or see. I must never show or ever falter even if breaking down truly could help my mind a little for someone to truly see my pain. I would never stop crying I would never stop bleeding and for that I am terrified
I tried. I tried so hard. I did everything to make him feel comfortable with me. I tried talking to him about how I feel. How his behaviours hurt me greatly. But he just won't change. I had to break away to find someone more secure. But I felt guilty about what I did to him. Maybe this made him more avoidant. But I needed to find my own happiness.
You did the right thing, they can always find help if they WANT to 🤗🤗
Talking about how bad your partner is hurting you by their cold behavior will create more distance between you two.
Judgement and feeling of guilt are what our closest family members did to us, thus by starting from the same place will only cause more pain for both.
You had no idea how to deal with them and did not choose the right option. Not in a bad way, but it's good that you left because you are unable to handle these people they way they need to be handled.
Most importantly, when talking about your pain, have you ever asked him about his?
@@Ldr1999 so is there a way to tell them "meet my needs as best as u can" without making them feel judged or guilty?
@@Ldr1999 Expressing to my partner how their actions have made me feel is somehow judgment and guilt tripping now? The fault is in the avoidant that perceives it as such and so does the responsibility lie to change such a perception. Not for their partner to suck it up and either live with the pain or cross their fingers the avoidant will see the pain caused and care enough to change their behaviour
@@Faj3aan If things you're expressing to your avoidant partner cross their boundaries then you're simply incompatible to create a long lasting healthy relationship.
Try to not look to change your partner but to date someone you're willing to fully accept.
To anyone who has anxious (I'm myself too) I would say this: work on connecting with yourself first! It is essential that you check in on yourself and your own needs, rather than subconsciously believing you can get them met through another person. A good place to start is by examining your seven areas of life and ensuring you are meeting your needs in those areas. These areas of well being and meaning are career, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial and relationships (friends, family, romantic), as well as personal development/growth.
When we are running to get closer to avoidant partner we are "abandoning ourselves" - the same pattern we used with our p.caretakers.
Do the things cor self-care, things that fuel your curiosity and energize you. Cultivate your interests, invest in yourself.
This is true! Cultivate a life you truly love and be endlessly amazed by what you can offer to yourself.
Wow, I have no words, you really opened my eyes. When complaining so much in a relationship with an avoidant I always thought I was narcissistic but I was actually making it all about Him and His reactions. That makes so much sense as I struggle A LOT with defining what my needs and interests are. It was always about the other person and their behaviour. I also see the parallels to my upbringing and me people pleasing to the point where I could not identify my real self anymore. Thank you so much for this comment
@@lmy222 Glad this helped, sending infinite compassion and support! Some good tools to explore your needs+interests include careerexplorer test, Wheel of Needs.
Plus even with an avoidant partner, try to use effective communication (read chapter on this in the book Attached), this would not help you help others to meet needs but also filter out potential partners not aligned with you.
And meditate too, use Declutter the Mind sessions on YT. Wish you all the best. :)
Thanks for explaining examining the 7 areas of life. Learning that I am an anxious partner made so much sense but I only really saw "build your self esteem" and "practice self care" not where to start!
@@MissSeedy Really glad this helped :) I would also recommend using tools like Wheel of Needs and Wheel of Emotions to identify your needs and how you can meet them, you would find more tools for brainstorming how to meet those needs. Goodluck :)
My GF is avoidant and it almost cost us the relationship but she's trying hard now and I really appreciate it. I feel avoidant people should not enter a relationship unless they truly understand what they will have to give up and that shyness and lack of communication has to GO.
So true, because they destroy peoples with whom they get “engaged”. They would stay alone if there are not happy in couple, but instead they will say to us to go alone, it’s mad
And you are what?
Anxious, safe?
More allowed to be in in a relationship than people with FA or DA?
We are human beings, all of us.
@Jonas Ananda Kristiansson [INFJ] Um you realize a relationship requires 2 people and I have my own feelings right? Do I not deserve a normal relationship?
I’m just really happy to see positive relationships on the FA and DA attachments . It’s nice to know that it can work out
I am anxious and being with an avoidant partner made me go nearly insane. The partner has pretty much ghosted me and I feel anger, anxiety, hatred, angst and sadness. Suicidal thoughts are starting to show up and I don't know how to cope. Worst part is that this ex-partner seems completely unaffected by the relationship.
Hang in there! I've recently been through a similar situation and felt similar thoughts. I really went through a phase where I wanted to die. I promise with time that your feelings about this person will change. You just got to get through the crap you are feeling right now. Hang in there please!
@@amymills768 thank you
Honey distract yourself as best as possible. Spend alot of time with friends and people who love you. Its hard but every day will get better. If all else fails, speak to your doctor. You are precious to many other people. You are loved. Dont forget 🧡
They may seem unaffected, but believe me, they feel it. They push it down, so sometimes it may take longer. You mattered.
I read a book about attachment styles. The conclusion is for anxious type, please don’t find avoidant as your partner, never work it out. Try to find secure type.
In fact, anxious type is obsessed with avoidant easily. Typical matching, but not healthy one.
Okay, I'd like to officially come out as an avoidant.
Stop making your girlfriend and friends feel like you don't like them.
@@laela6289 Stop projecting your own pain and fear onto other people.
It's all good.. we all have our shit :)
Kæla Brown shut the fuck up, did u not learn anything from the video
@@laela6289 Stop acting as if we don't like you
At first I was mildly offended by identifying myself as the "avoidant" one in my relationship, then as the video continued you brought me to tears in helping recognize childhood trauma I hadn't fully realized I had developed. Thank you so much. I lost my father at 15 to cancer and my mom fell into alcoholism succumbing to liver failure this last November. When I needed someone after my dad passed, my family let me cope alone. My sisters were older and moved out with families of my own, and I was left with my mom who was never herself while intoxicated.
♥️
Hey, I read your comment and I'd like to ask if you could confirm my understanding of the video topic.
But before, let me give you some context. Im in a relationship with a girl I really like, and I can safely say she's an avoidant parter, as well as I being an anxious partner, recently she's been more and more avoidant which may be the cause of my expressed frustration at all sorts of things about her, like her texting, and her family, and living space and most importantly, her emotional unavailability; her avoidance.
After watching this video and reading your comment, and you admittedly being an avoidant partner, would you agree that the best way for you to gain trust and open up to someone is if they showed total unwavering support, reassurance, openness, receptivity and other similar positive attributes towards you?
If my understanding is correct, and you agree that the attributes I mentioned before are the best way for slow but steadily building trust. I should adopt the strongest, most determined patience and acceptance imaginable towards her, and trust her to open up in the distant future, regardless of that potentially being years.
As an extreme avoidant, not so deep down I’m just too scared of getting rejected. And love/ attention from others often feel fake to me, like people pretend to like me to get something in return. It’s hard to open up even with close friends and relationship seems even more impossible.
Admittedly, I am the avoidant partner. In my past relationships I was scolded and left for being “to clingy” or expecting too much. Now I am so terrified of being vulnerable that now it’s hard for me to show any emotions.
Amber you're not alone. Because of pass relationships that went bad I found myself being an avoidant. Didn't know it had a name but now i can go forward in understanding why i am like that. Don't give up on love Amber at least we understand why we are like we are
my ex was like this so I made myself more vulnerable to show her that it was ok to be like that but of course it did not work. A whole year doing this and she would just not open up / trust me so I had to break up with her
Walls walls walls.
Me too. I feel quite sorry for my partner. It’s so hard to be vulnerable.
I think people are disgusted by certain behaviours which they subconciously see in themselves, and dont want to admit it. So they hate it when they see it in others. It reminds them of their own insecurities.
So true.
Yes that's literally me...
Wouldn't be true for avoidant gf who has abuse trauma. She and others are attracted to emotional unavailability as well
This video sums people like me up in a very gracious way and I thank the creator for that. For those who are in relationships with avoidant types like myself, please listen to me: we DO love you. We are not cold at heart. We're actually deeply sentimental. We crave connection. But we have been severely, severely hurt. And I'm genuinely sorry you have to carry it. But we DO love you, as much as you love us. Promise.
As an avoident person this genuinely makes me cry how hard it is to connect with people
As an avoidant person, dealing with me has to be a lot to ask of people. I'd rather just save the person the effort and not even pursue it. They're better off with someone better than me.
Sorry you feel like that buddy. The struggle is real. So very little understanding of it too.
Oh booohooo
Jalena Roberts no, but it important to realize that this form of thinking enforces the way they are n doesn't help them or those that pursue them
Jalena Roberts i wasnt disagreeing with you at all... was stating their view on it, seems to b rather pessimistic and enforces the main issue... ofc its something you need to individually work on but to think you're a burden because of it only harms any growth
That's literally my life motto whenever someone confessed to me and showed that they loved me i told them they should forget me and they better off without me
You should never cope with an avoidant partner, you should each heal your attachment styles and become secure! If they're not willing to do the healing work, then leave them. You deserve someone who will!
How would a secure person respond to an avoidant?
@@persona8991 They would quickly lose interest, and rather be on their own than entertaining someone who isn't fully available
@@persona8991 Easy. You like to go running on the park and this friend you would like to go with you. If the friend is avoiding to go, what do you do? At first couple times you can try to convince him as it would be good and as you enjoy have a chat with the other person, but then you feel like there's no point asking and you go running alone or with someone else because you enjoy doing so.
Very well said. This should be spoken about so much more. People lose precious years of their lives feeling miserable trying to figure out avoidant personalities.
Sounds like you missed the entire message in the video.
I realize now that my ex was in fact avoidant. It tore me up to go for months on end with her not showing even the simplest signs she cared, so I had to break it off recently and it's tragic that it had to happen. The first 8 months of our relationship were so wonderful, then she went cold for nearly the same amount of time and eventually admitted to stringing me along. There's only so much of this game that one can play. I loved her, but I had to recognize when things had become unfair.
I love someone like this, and this makes me love him even more. I'm also like this. We understand one another so completely but constantly have to proactively reach out. His heart sings, if you listen.
Exactly. I broke up with my avoidant partner and just be a good friend to him now. It was the happiest decision ive ever made. Ive tried to help him but it doesnt work, he needs to put an effort to fix himself. Or else nothing is gonna change and youll be hurt in the relationship.
Faxx
Exactly, this problem can only be solved by yourself
So true, you can be the warmest and most empathetic person, but you can't change someone who doesn't actively pursue healing.
@@Fife178 So true 😥 and saddening, when you love and care for him still...
As an anxious partner, I don't think I can ever go to being friends anymore
I definitely related…. Also realized I went trough being the anxious one and somehow became avoidant. I developed a tendency to escape reality to my own world when things get tough. The avoidance became my protector from deep childhood trauma. Although i now understand that i am grown and im my own protector… i got to let go of this harmful tendency. It ruins my relationships to people in general. I feel so alone
I became so avoidant, I stopped wanting others in my life at all, and I actually became a lot happier for doing it. Some people just can't get along with another for an extended period of time. My trust was definitely betrayed, but not maliciously. I can't be angry at it, it's just how it is. So I fix the whole issue by not associating strongly with others.
Then stay alone. Forever
@@yasminebk6379You guys are the ones manufacturing problems.
This is me. And honestly, it’s more exhausting to cautiously be aware of the others persons needs and emotions when you don’t understand your own. Anytime the conversation of feelings and emotions come up I go into flight or fight mode. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin having those conversations so I always make jokes and deflect to avoid the topic which hurts the other person. I hate that I do that. I’ve tried to sit through the uncomfortable emotional talks but then I just shut down and don’t talk. It’s hard for me to express how I feel or show that I care. Mostly, I hate when men find that to be a “challenge” and then just end up disappointed. It’s a struggle.
I'm reading David Wallin's Attachment in Psychotherapy, which I think explains very clearly what you're describing. During childhood, people adopt this coping mechanism of pushing down feelings because it affords protection from the devaluing attacks of controlling caretakers, while also making it possible to stay around to be sheltered and fed and somewhat protected from the dangers of the world. I'm sharing this with hope that you and others in similar situations will find this information useful.
this is enlightening. thanks for sharing
As an anxious, reading your comments I understand now that you're explaining it but it hurts even more for me to stay through that. 😭😭
Thanks a lot for sharing this, makes a lot of things much clearer !
You just summed up my entire life.
it's really hard being an avoidant person, lol. i know it's also hard BEING with an avoidant person. i discovered a couple years ago that i was an avoidant person. it can be super challenging, but in order for a relationship with an avoidant person to work, both the avoidant person and their partner must have some compassion and understanding for the other side. yes, like the video says, it's very important for the partner to understand the boundaries and needs of the avoidant person, but as the avoidant person... you gotta understand how it feels for your partner. always waiting around, hoping they might get some small shred of affection from you, worried that if they come to you with any sort of grievance, you might just leave. if you don't put yourself out there as the avoidant person and push yourself to do some vulnerable things around that partner, things that might absolutely terrify you to do- that's not fair to them. to have a partner who is empathetic to your emotional needs as an avoidant person is a blessing, and the only way we can repay them for it is by facing our fears and becoming the kind of partners we ourselves would want! or at least, taking small steps toward that goal every day.
Thank you so much for saying this. I can’t even begin to tell you how much pain I’ve been through trying to help, support, understand, talk and be there for my partner. I’ve never experienced such DEEP pain in my life. I’ve done what feels like damn near everything to be a great partner to them, and it feels like I’m trying my best to meet them and he isn’t even trying to meet himself. Support himself. Understand himself. It’s exhausting. It’s emotionally draining. It’s painful. Reading your comment, helped me be okay.
Well said. This is 100% how I felt initially with my friend but I also felt he was trying. Although the results were microscopic in the first couple of years, hes finally opened up a little bit.
This showed up on my timeline when I really needed it. Thank you.
I love my partner so much. But he is avoidant because of his past story.
I try to make the relationship work so many Times. MANY TIMES.
But In the process, it broke me so much. it Made me frustated. Questioning my self 'is it too much to have some attention and assurance in a relationship?'. it frustated for me because my partner will always shut me down and refuse to communicate.
I decided to let him go a week ago. I can't go on, it is too painful. And I don't know how to make the relationship work
I am emotionally avoidant a lot of times, it helps me a lot to know that there is someone to just listen.. Not judge, not advice, not give their opinions... just listen.
and how is that helpful to you?
@LightNessITA Where'd you get that from? It's not like only women vent lmao
@LightNessITA Yes, maybe that is being selfish or narcissist. It's all about me.... Other's problemas or feelings, I don't care about it.
thank you for the insight how to understand avoidant partners
Actually, having someone to listen to you without judgment or giving advises is therapeutic. That's what the therapists are for.
Some people find themselves attracted to avoidant people in the hope that they can be “rescued”. This can result in a codependent relationship. There may be constant push and pull in such relationships.
Long term relationships with such people seldom do well long term as their childhood insecurity will be projected and blamed on you and your attempts to rescue will
Ultimately be rejected.
If you are attracted to such people have a good look at yourself.
Get to know yourself better and try to avoid falling into what will most likely be an unsuccessful codependent relationship.
❤️
Thank you.
mohamed essam you’re welcome.
Right..we have to respect each other’s independence. I forget it all the time honestly. That’s when troubles come up because I start blaming. And it’s not good for your own goals. When you let the other person control your emotions because you’re depending on them to make you feel a certain way, that’s too much for them to handle and you neglect your own goals..you lose yourself in your relationship. You lose sight of who you are as an individual.
Wow… this hit on a different level, never realized I might be the avoidant kind of person
This makes so much sense!! People are drawn to avoidants for a reason. We are probably having a lot of insecurities ourselves and are no less self critical. But we might be more lucky to have built a few good and deep friendships so we dare to be a little bit more vulnerable. Next time, I know what to do: walk toward, not away from each other.