1. Be consistent 2. Develop the capacity to self validate (self regulate) 3. Know your boundaries and communicate them assertively 4. Have your own passions and pursuits 5. Adopt an accepting and non judgmental attitude 6. Be discerning and say no when needed
I am a very secure person. I have my own life and passion. I have been married 26 years. We had intense talk about how he is all romantic and happy if I am my usual happy go lucky person. But if I am in a sad or bad mood (sometimes because of my premenopause) he just leaves me alone. I understood that he does not know how to handle the situation. So I told him in a situation like this just give me a hug. But nothing. Why I have to be the one EVERY SINGLE TIME to start talking and mend the relationship. I feel absolutely no emotional support from him.
Probably because you are very secure, he got very secure as well or already was. When I had a more needy partner, I became a bit avoidant. Not much, but e.g. for me it was enough from the cudling, but she wanted more, but I did not give her, because my back already hurt from the lots of lying. Little I understood, how much she needed it. Fast fowrard few years. With emotional abuses I got broke inside, and I was alone for years. Finally got a partner, I was anxious very much. Tried to communicate, that currently I am sensitive, but not much luck. Actually we had a conversation, where I told her I need cuddles, and she said "I cant lie all day in a bed". Little she understood, how much I needed it. Little she understood how much it hurt, the way she said it, even if I agree with it. She just did not understand me. Did not see me. She was a true avoidant as it turned out. Anyways, your case happens, when we take the other for granted and forget the luxury of having someone with us and mostly everything works. Sometimes have to stop, look around, and realize how much to be valued. Often we value the other after losing it. What I learned, that we have to give compliments to our partners, at least for me. I did not get much in my childhood from my parents, so it is something new to me. When I got compliments from my partner it felt really good. Thats where I understood, that I need to look for the good traits of the other. Sadly I am often looking for the bad things. Thats my default, but working on it. And it helped for me to value the things, that we have, and value the other, hence, take more seriously her needs if she needs me. Because 2 most important things in a relationship: be emotionally available, open to your partner, and if it needs you, then be there. These are the fundaments. The other is not granted. It is a work. And I have to be there if she needs me. But again, in a 26 years of marriage it may be not that easy, I do not have such, so I dont want to be "smart".
@healingenergy4994 That's How it is. And an empty sorry. Just remember if you're going to try to love an Avoidant The only philosophy you can have is "it is what it is" That's about all the answers you get
I’m anxious and have had only 2 significant relationships which involved a DA and an FA. It was absolutely the most emotionally neglectful, disrespectful, and abusive ever. It has pushed me to not even want to be involved in a relationship ever again. I was always the kind, understanding, loving, compassionate, supportive partner and all they did was project their pain and blame me. It felt like I was the only one really trying to grow the relationship. I did the inner work and healing only to be a casualty of their own war. Most of the time I felt like I was in a relationship but all alone or catering to their needs. If I expressed my feelings, it was a problem…or rather they made me feel like I was creating it. I don’t want to close down my loving and playful nature…I just will be more careful when investing my emotions. Def not giving it away to people who use me as a emotional punching bag
@@iamsoohappy yes I felt like I was being blamed for creating or making up problems in the relationship when I expressed my feelings. They all tend to gaslight us in that manner. It is like being an emotional punching bag and like their taking it out on us and reinactjng the pain onto their caregiver that didn’t provide them the emotional safety as a child.
So according to this video, the way for an avoidant partner to love you more is to become more secure. This still doesn't address their difficulty with intimacy, expressing emotions and working through problems in the relationship. Even people with secure attachments struggle with avoidants, because the second you express any need (even while being as calm and direct as possible) they either sweep it under the rug and avoid it or shut down and want to run. None of this cures their insecure attachment style, even though we're expected to be more secure. We're always expected to accommodate avoidants, why? They are exhausting
Most of these videos never really call the avoidant to task. They always tell everyone else how to adapt to an avoidant but not how an avoidant should be adapting to their person. Avoidants always get the benefit of the doubt.
@@Eddybo22actually we usually get villainized. And i think the reason alot of videos are set up this way is because to be honest more ppl are teeny trying to be with their avoidant and if you tell most ppl to leave them alone they'll find it hard because most likely they're anxiously attached. I do agree though that their should be more content to truly help the avoidant become better. Tools etc. But that's why these ppl have their courses n such. Oh they'll tell you what's wrong with you. But to fix it is a price.
The comments here present a dichotomy of views, and I think that is because if you have a secure attachment style, then an avoidant is just too much work. Why would you bother? But avoidants tend to gravitate toward anxious attachment types, who are similarly on the insecure side of the street (this is from attachment theory, on which all this is based), and when anxious types understand all the things they need to work through then that gives them some compassion for the avoidant types. Both have had poor parenting (not our fault) which presents us with unconscious emotional challenges we need to work through. I think that's why some people understand the main thesis Briana is saying, and some people don't.
Yep, nobody wants to think of themselves as sharing the blame but secure people know to detach from people who can't or won't meet their needs reasonably. All the vitriolic comments along the lines of "the way to fix them is DON'T, I spent 7 years blah blah blah..." are really just self-reporting on their own blind spot.
Avoidant people also need to be loved. Even though they are hard to deal with they are very sensitive and have feelings and emotions as we all do. thank you so much ma'am for this video. This video really helps me to maximize my relationship with my avoidant partner and heal my own self as well. once again thank you very much .
I’m trying so hard to remain indifferent to my partner… he barely ever compliments me or shows me any affection but he says he loves me… I grew up ignored as a child and it’s starting to feel like my partner is my parents all over again
Wow, the comments here are so callous and reek of victimhood. I have been on both sides of the anxious/avoidant dynamic. The dynamic can change during the course of a relationship and also depending on the person you're with. I think the key takeaway here is to be mindful of your attachment style and empathetic to your partner's wants and emotional needs. Control your attachment style, don't let it control you.
I couldn't agree more. I am with an avoidant partner, and we are very happy together. We communicate all the time,we are healthy together and are healing separately and together becoming more secure. Being together takes **willingness**
I’ve been married to an avoidant for 23 years and only now am learning about our attachment styles. No surprise, I am an anxious attachment. I am working on providing myself my own validation and emotional support. I have taken up a couple new hobbies that I truly find joy in. However, it seems that the more I do this, the less close I feel to my husband. Rather than bringing us together, it feels like a wedge developing between us.
I am going through the same thing. I have experienced all this growth and emotional independence and confidence and I even had some conversations with my person about what I am doing so that change doesn’t come as a shock to him. For my situation I almost wonder if he is a narcissist because I detect an energy of jealousy and contempt. It’s like he is upset that I now have confidence and boundaries
I experienced this. My current life coach taught me that the mind is creating a separation between what it thinks is good vs. what it thinks is bad. I had to put an effort into being conscious of this tendency and redirecting my negative thoughts by seeing all my activities (including relationship) as all connected. If you can do this, your positive thinking will spread to all things including your relationship. Hope it helps
I’m currently dating an avoidant, and it’s working by following her lead. If I say or do something that’s a trigger, she says 🚨 and I back off immediately, change the topic. We continue without incident. Once apart, I consider what I was trying to accomplish when I triggered her, and ask her for a comfortable way to express that thing without triggering. Even if she doesn’t offer any ideas, she’s heard the thing I wanted to express, and I leave it at that. She hates being triggered, so my finding ways not to do that puts her at ease and shows that I’m willing and able to learn her language. And my learning her language is on me - it’s nothing she’s doing. If she says, basically, please unsay that thing you just said, it’s not an argument, I just haven’t learned her language around that thing yet. I’m listening and she’s appreciating that, and becoming more comfortable feeling her feelings. We’ve built trust, where she doesn’t need to pull away because I stop advancing. It’s ok to idle without movement to anyone’s “side.” We can just pause there in the middle, together.
This sounds exhausting. You will find another person who will meet you closer to half way. If she is so easily triggered, the relationship is unlikely to be enduring. Best of luck.
You are constantly catering to her emotional needs while you ignorr yours. Its a recipe for disaster. She will start to disrespect you for that submission and leave.
We don't want someone trying so hard or submitting because that is showing weakness which gives us the ick. We don't see it as you care or love us. We think you don't care about yourself & then that triggers us because how are you going to care about me when you don't care about yourself? I do hope for the best though. Some of us are willing to change. Especially when you're not fighting us & willing to truly understand how we experienced life. We want closeness, intimacy, relationship. But sometimes we get stuck in shame guilt etc. So becoming curious about us versus badgering us about how we're not showing up is ideal.
Until I learned about avoidance in relationships, I was convinced that some guys simply didn't like me although I wasn't sure about it. Thanks to you everything is much much clearer now. 🙏😘 However I would still rather date somebody who is not avoidant.😄
Please get therapy I was just like that and with therapy I’ve learned how to be secure attachment and learned that there’s nothing in the world you should sacrifice for an avoidant partner. They need more therapy than ever to WANT TO CHANGE FOR YOU and if they can’t MOVE ON, please do it for YOU🫂
Based on exp with DA, they will always change mind, mood and plans. its always unpredictable, today she is good tomorrow she and so forth doesnt exist. Dating a DA is like dating a ghost.
Agreed. It seems the best way to love them is from a distance. Work on loving yourself, healing the anxious attachment wound that allowed the relationship to continue, then get back out there and attract the love you want and deserve 💪🏽
I ended up on theraphy. The basis is you feel if you mirror them back, it is game over. So you trying to act on it, this involves some critics, which triggers them and can go into full emotional abusive. At the end, she was so shut down, that even if I told her a simple story, he reacted with zero emotion. If I called her out, then she denied everything. You just cant win. Either you submit and give up yourself for the relationship, or you say game over. Pretty much like a narcissist. Cant reach her inner core, deny/avoid everything, gaslight you, controlling, maybe even hypersexual, but of course also on her terms. Nightmare. Actually I had nightmares for months after we broke up. Half year in, and still not over it. She half-killed my sexuality as well.
Avoidants avoid. Apparently even if they decide to go to therapy there is a fair chance they'll be triggered by it and quit, like they get triggered by emotional closeness in a relationship and quit. So while vídeos with self-help advice for avoidants do exist they are in much less demand and get far fewer hits.
@@blatherskyt Avoidants are more like pets than partners. There aren't many videos on "I'm a cat.. how can I be a better pet for my human?" The actual adult in the relationship has to do all the work if they want to keep the relationship alive, although the pet must be cooperative for it to work.
You’re so right. I didn’t realize I had this anxious attachment. Several years into my relationship I became depressed, abandoning my spiritual practices and became preoccupied with my partner instead. That’s when I started behaving in a needy and controlling ways and drove my avoidant partner away.
@@rangerdanger10 oeh, that's a high price to pay. Put yourself first is .... well, great advice, don't you think? Do you have a solid plan to get back on your feet? Babysteps off course 🧡🏵🙏 Ps, I "lost" a great (potential) lover too, but learned so much I am hearing someone say: "The best is jet to come" Could that be true? 😉😘😁
A lot of men tend towards this avoidant attachment style, but they often are solid people in many other aspects of life (honest, dependable, industrious, etc). As long as he is willing to acknowledge his shortcomings and work on things together (where as Briana points out, you need to also do your part because it's not just about 'fixing him'), it may be better to stay and try to make it work out.
So, youve given someone a lot of power over your emotional wellbeing ... While they where not willing and or capable of taking very well care of you? Is there a lesson in here? 🧡🏵🙏
I'm tired of trying to love people who are emotionally unstable, can't communicate in a healthy manner, avoid accountability, and push me away because they're scared of closeness and commitment. They only want the benefits of the situation, not the connection. They need to either seek help or stay single, or both just leave me alone because I do not struggle with these issues, nor do I deserve to deal with yours.
This video has already changed my life in my relationship with myself and acknowledging what anxiety is and how to acknowledge it. Literally changed my life 💯
Im so sorry. 😞 Im an Avoidant and it feels so bad for me trying to be with someone when I deeply feel like I'm just causing more pain than anything else. The amount of shame & guilt i feel is excruciating. I just recently discovered that i was avoidant. I truly feel at a loss for myself & my relationship. I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm so dizzy & scared. How fast i go from so captivated by him to complete repulse. To me, this is ridiculous. But it's like... do I stay single? I guess. I mean, you know me. I don't mind. But the constant anxiety, overthinking, questioning/ suspicion/ untrust of ex, not wanting to be close & feeling literally disabled from showing intimacy & then having to hear about how much I'm hurting him is literal Hell & then feeling bad about that...😞 I just want to be happy. And I'm starting to feel the wear & tear of bearing the pain of awareness of my inability to overcome this & to show up as well as stuff from our past & then the constant need for reassurance. It's currently 2:13am. Im just at a literal loss. If you're watching this in regard to your Avoidant, I just want to say that we truly do not mean to be like this. I'm sure you've recognized instances where other individuals have interacted with your person and your person was such a delight. We're not asholes. We're not out to drain you or be in your way or hurt you. But clearly, this is deeper than I initially thought. To be honest, I'd rather be alone, thrive, heal in peace knowing I'm not hurting anyone & heal through platonic relationships where I'm being activated. The Dance of Distrustion is getting very old.
It took courage and vulnerability to be so transparent and admit this. Strengths. Awareness is a good starting point. I resonate, also being an avoidant. I am alone and healing through platonic relationships. To look within takes utmost courage. I applaud you and wish you well.
Please do yourself a favor and stay the hell away from these comment sections, for your own emotional safety sake. This is a venting room where hurting wounded people point fingers and call other wounded people things like "black holes of misery", and it is therefore unfortunately NOT a safe space for people who happen to be wired like they are, and developed an avoidant attachment style. Have you read Running on empty, by Jonice Webb? ❤️❤️❤️🍀🤗🍀❤️❤️❤️💪✌️
Thank you for sharing this!!! It's very heartwarming to hear someone not only acknowledge that they are an avoidant, but what it does to us anxious people. I feel really terrible that this is how you go through your life in relationships. Makes me very sad to know that there are people that just want to be loved but don't know how to let others love them. I'll be praying for you 🙏 ❤
Best video I ever came across, I am self- dependent and my covert D/A openend up a lot and I can feel his love as he is showing deep care for me. I seem to give him emotional freedom to feel safe with me. I do not question him but have my strong boundaries which I communicate. I only talk about what I want for myself not asking for it directly. Thank you Briana ❤ greetings from Germany, he is from Slovenia where I am right now
@@derekenlow7607 I only talk about my own feelings, give him space which he does not want anymore, never accuse him of anything. Also giving him emotional space, not pushing him into anything.
Avoidants are wired different. Same way you feel that it puts you in limbo when we avoid emotions and tell you to do the same you guys put us in limbo when you want us to be more sensetive, share your emotions or express feelings more. It's a misunderstanding from both sides. Trying to change the other side makes them feel bad about themselves because we process things on opposite ways in order to feel good. There's no good or bad guy here. Just a blindspot. Neither side really wants to hurts each other.
so draining, the simple things you want them to reciprocate to show you love like simple gestures without asking or telling them to do, they really struggle. I’m a secured attachment and I can’t understand why it’s so difficult for them to show the smallest efforts. The frustration comes when you’re doing 99% of everything. They don’t offer or do if you don’t ask, and if you ask, they get a little annoyed. It’s very difficult to love them, and it will feel it’s one sided where you end up doing everything all on your own.
I'm going through the exact same thing. And yes, it really drains you.. I'm not even sure anymore if I still wanted our relationship to work. It feels like I'm the only one who has future plans for both of us..
Avoidant men just want an AI robot partner. - gives affection and physical intimacy to them when they want it and no expectation of any reciprocation and only interact when they themselves feel lonely and want some validation. And also has no opposing opinions to them as that also triggers them. 😂 Better to avoid these types of people. If you’re secure or anxiously attached you’ll only end up giving up more of yourself to the point where you don’t know who are anymore and walking on eggshells around them for fear of triggering them. I’ve learned that no matter what you do, even if you follow this guidance the avoidant person will always bail on you. it may not happen right now but it will eventually - that is their mindset.
Unfortunately "avoidant personalities" are just as prevalent with women. Walking on eggshells. The ghosting. The cold shoulders. The lack of healthy communication. It is downright cruel, disrespectful and confusing. I understand that an avoidamt has trauma but that behavior is inexcusable
@@auronx yes you’re right. Avoidants can be either gender. it is just cruel they inflict damage on others knowingly and yet choose not to change and confront their own fears.
@@petitcoeur-q6r Thats a massive shame that you were hurt and had the misfortune of dealing with an avoidant. Im currently dealing with a female coworker whose phone number I had asked for, of which I was given, only to then proceed to ghost, ignore, and act awkwardly around me, now going out of her way so that she doesnt talk or see me. It is pretty cruel and disheartening
@@auronx it’s is disheartening and painful. If they ever change their mind don’t take them back either. They bail in the end - always. I’m currently ghosted by my ex Dismissive avoidant. Been almost two weeks now since I heard anything. The final ghosting and I will never hear from them again. No reason given after three years in this relationship.
It’s not a person for someone that loves to demonstrate love and share. It’s like you have to sacrifice and be too independent . I was in one 😒 now I have a sharing secure man just like me! 🎉
Avoid avoidants, you hear me You will save yourself a whole lot of pain. Choose yourself It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, they are bound to break you, I promise you.
They will break you, you'll become numb to the point you you lose yourself. You'll end up needing professional help to heal your unhealed wounds and once you do they'll start slowly breaking you all over again
hIGHLY helpful. I have been for years convinced that loving my avoidant was a dead end. I now reconsider that by ending it with him, was the right thing to do. And that if he chose to reach out (which he never has), that there is a pathway to growthand self-knowledge by BOTH parties and achieving a great relationship.
Yes… safe and free… but, also RELAXED. I want to be able to act and be the same way I would be if I were alone; not self-conscious. It would also be great to be able to just exist together, in each other’s presence/company, without necessarily interacting; not ignoring each other, but just being comfortable contentedly sharing the same space and experiencing physical closeness within that space. May sound boring to some, but to an INTP, “Healthy Avoidant”, of 58 years old… sounds like Heaven to me.
@@sunflowerroark5170 I’m an “Avoidant” (though a “healthier” one; who has done a lot of introspection and is very self aware, and continuing to do “the work”). Maybe YOU (YOUR “attachment style” and personality type) are just not compatible with an Avoidant (and/or possibly others with whom you have been in a relationship). Figure yourself out FIRST, before becoming a couple. 👍🏼
Every time I see comments that demonize the avoidant, I wonder what in the world they are doing here. Clearly they do care about the inner world of an avoidant, yet the comments would lead you to believe they got to this video by accident.
I feel this sense that it's so much more work for the anxious partner... the anxious partner has to do all this self-reflection and deep, uncomfortable work, everyday really, to "deal" with the anxiety and make sure to not "need too much affection" from their partner... yet, what does the avoidant partner need to do? Nothing but sit back and wait for the anxious person to change? I think this is where the resentment sets in for a lot of anxiously attached folks. It really feels like the avoidant gets to sit back and sip lemonade until the anxious person transforms to make the avoidant feel better.
@@healingwithforrestYes! That’s a bit of how I feel. I feel I have made a lot of changes in myself, which are probably for the better, but it still takes energy to stop caring and be less anxious. I’m anxious in general life, so I’m trying very hard to start worrying less about things I have no control over.
@healingwithforrest What you say really resonates with my experience. After 30 years, yes 30 years of self reflection, therapy and work on myself because i was lead to believe i was the one who had the problem, i have just ended our relationship and i am devastated. I have tried so hard and for so long to accept that if i love him then i have to try and accept him as he is. This has lead to me going from secure in my attachment to becoming anxious and avoidant within the relationship. I have withdrawn from him emotionally, feel incredibly hurt by his total lack of emotional support, on the rare occasion i actually express a need for some, and can't help but get very angry and resentful when he let's me down once again. I have only recently discovered that our problems are because of his attachment issues, he is still wearing a blindfold or burying his head in the sand and cannot even begin to talk about any of this. I feel so bad for ending things but i also see that unless he were to get himself some help, things will never change and i can't cope anymore.
They are exhausting. It's like rowing up a swift river backwards. We found out about their style of connecting after we married and had children. I hope this answers your question,
I wish I'd known about avoidant attachment my partner is text book and by showing her how much I love her I've actually pushed her away, and I worry now that I've lost her.
Honestly the lifelong pain you will endure will crush your soul. She will destroy you. Get away. Break the bond. Don’t worry about the lost sex or lost breadcrumbs of affection: you will eventually buy a house / marry / have kids with her and one day POOF she will be gone and you’ll be on the ledge of the local bridge. Do not continue this.
@@anthonyc5039 I love her though, and I hope one day I can make her feel secure. Everyone has said the same thing. Ditch and get rid. But that's easier said than done
I've come to realise I'm a fearful avoidant, and for the first time I'm with another avoidant partner, except they're dissmive avoidant so they shut down more than me and I'm trying to make it work cause for once, I feel I've met someone who connects with me on a deeper level, who went through similar upbringings to me and I feel this strong desire to want to help them open up and heal.
Been there. The thing is you cannot 'help' your DA partner in the sense that you can only support them if they want to change and you cannot make them want to change, they need to get there themselves. The best you can do is to work on your own triggers so your FA reactivity doesn't get in the way of the relationship. And you have to recognise for what it is your FA compulsion to "save" this person. As an FA you probably have a strength that you can have lots of empathy for your partner and sensitivity to their emotional state. That's the good side of FA hypervigilance. Finally, telling a DA about their own attachment when they're not ready can trigger their shame core wound, so tread lightly. Good luck.
This is the most insightful and high-value experience I’ve had in exploring improvement in relationship skills. I learned so much about myself, and gained important perspective in management of my own life path and forming stronger bonds through self acceptance and mindfulness! Thank you so much, I’m recommending your series to friends! ❤❤
Best way to love an avoidant is to leave them alone. If they're unable to find a partner there´s a chance that they'll go to therapy and stop their abusive behaviour. Find yourselves a healthy partner instead - stay safe out there.
Thanks so much for your comment. I have recently get dumped by an avoidant. I feel used and neglected but i knew deep inside of me that he wasn't my person or an healthy partner.
I think not reading negative assumptions into their actions is so key especially for the anxious person … seems like human beings never assume positive intent
This people like space not just tiny space but big space with capital letters. My avoidant is extremely laid back and me am the opposite and when I see he is becoming distant I remove myself and carry on living my life in his absence. Am a single mother of 2 and my life is pretty busy already so I remove myself from whatever attention I was giving him and placed it on myself and the kids. I stopped calling and texting him and gave him his space and didn't chase and just carried on living my life without his presence. Right now he is in Nigeria for holidays and we barely talk and I just carry on living my life and focus on myself and my kids and don't sit around waiting on him to communicate or call or text.
That is how it is but I do not trust them, just too many times and we can't discuss it so it's Iike screw my needs. I need assistance with basic info and deserve it to be at peace
I'm shocked as some leaning more secure these days, lots of therapy, with ambivalent tendencies dating someone who's the same that people are talking about these attachment styles as if they're fixed permanent traits. When there's conflict in my relationship only then can I see which way we might lean more as far as both being ambivalent, thus why I'm here. Realizing all the ways I'm definitely part, one half, of the problem. Though our relationship seems potentially unique given it's not just straight anxious vs avoidant attachment. So I take what works and leave the rest.
Thank you for the video, really helped me with my current relationship troubles. I wanted to ask - Do you have any tips for some activities or conversations an anxious partner could initiate/do with their avoidant partner that could build emotional intimacy without the avoidant building up walls, feel attacked or listen only to reply and win the argument instead of listening to understand the anxious partner?
Thank you for your videos, I love your balance with the spiritual and seeing it all from a more well rounded and conscious perspective. I am finding it very helpful for understanding my partner. Blessings***
Everyone in these DA dismissive avoidant videos tends to be salty, but I do feel like this is totally valuable advice. As someone who's anxious avoidant dealing with a DA friend (or two?), I DO see the value in using the visceral emotions (created in my OWN head!) that occur when I communicate with the DA. When I'm with a DA or communicating with them and I have that time to reflect on, hey, why do I feel lonely? Why do I seek validation for something as simple as X or Y? When I seek to self-improve, why do I also seek their approval? When I question myself, it almost feels like I'm going through my OWN list of "desires" that I "don't want to admit" because to admit them is painful and goes against my self defense mechanisms from my anxious avoidant upbringing. They're things I've struggled with for years. I'm no longer going to accept this pain as normal. Sure, to be let down will naturally lead to disappointment. But to be rejected by someone you like should not feel this horrible. Disappointing? Sure. But leading to obsession or restlessness or a clouded mind? No. So I know everyone here is hating on DAs, but as someone who still had growing to do, it made me question myself and finally see my shortcomings in this area.
My avoidant that I've been with for 3 years, divorced his ex-wife 11 years ago. But he can't attach to me because he is still attached to her emotionally. And I have to ask, what do you do when every time you say, very directly I love when you do this because it makes me feel___, but then that's the thing they take away? I tell him I love it when he touches base throughout the day here and there, so then he'll ghost me all day. I tell him I love our sex life, so then he cuts me off.🤷
U love it self an move on cause he doesn't wanna hear it from u but her...screw living in someone else's shadow,u have to see he still loves her cause she doesn't want him an that's it
My ex was all about me multiple times. Started to become very expressive. Then wigged out and sabotaged it. Multiple times. Once that happens forget ANY authentic communication. They bolt for 3 or 4 months. I'm done. I was dumb enough to try multiple times. Arrived at indifference after some heartache.
I am definitely an avoidant. I don't have just one wall around me, but multiple. That plus being risk averse and untrusting of everyone also means I had never fallen for scams or gimmicks.
@@hmackhmackhmack7551 I am fine with that. Anything that I miss out on somebody else will have it, and that is good enough for me. I like to go the farthest with the minimum.
@@hmackhmackhmack7551 That is fine. Anything that I miss out on, somebody else will have and that is good enough for me. I am content with having just enough.
I'd imagine "How to love an anxious attachment person" is less a topic, because if someone is wondering that about their anxious partner, they just ask them directly.
Interestingly, I can find avoidant attachment in an astrology chart. This indicates that there’s more to it than just childhood issues. Past life issues are at play when it shows in the chart.
What the avoidant is doing, is esentially emotional abuse and neglect. I don t know why we treat them better then narcissists or psychopaths. Each of them are esentially manipulative, abusive and neglectful. I also think if you react badly to their neglect, it does NOT mean you re necesarily anxious. Just means you have healthy needs, and you re reacting to emotional abuse which is a trauma response. I m a licenced psychotherapist, and all the personality disorders are esentially trauma responses, and narcissistic abuse in my pov is not worse than avoidant neglect and stonewalling. Or other way said, each is a nightmare, but we should not defend avoidants, and try to cater to their needs. No darlin. They gotta go to therapy and work on themselves, otherwise they will esentially lose their loving partners.
I know it can be painful when you are on the receiving end. But you very insightfully point out that avoidant patterns are exactly what you describe here, a reaction to neglect. And narcissism and sociopathy is a very different thing. I recommend checking out my playlist on the topic.Narcissism and Attachment Theory th-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_.html
The difference between avoidants and narcissist is intent. Avoidants don't want to hurt or destroy you, narcissists on the other hand ... And yes the behavior is equally harming to the victims and avoidants need to learn and grow. But unlike narcissists they know that they cause suffering and they can develope healthy relationships. There's the difference. There is hope for avoidance and they might deserve a chance to get better.
@@blauespony1013narcissism is also a trauma response. And no, they don t know either because they don t have empathy. And they live in survival mode. I m a psychotherapist and studied these. Actually avoidant attachment might also have avoidant personality disorder or even vulnerable narcissism, comorbid.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentI am a psychotherapist. I was refering as neglect to what the avoidant does, not his trauma response. The partner also has trauma response to the avoidant treatment.
@@etunde81 I mean every person has narcissistic tendencies, but not everyone is a narcissist. I think that is the first point most people don't understand. So a lot of the hate might even be projection plus online buzzwording (I bet 90% of the so called narcissists aren't even narcissists). Just to understand you correnctly because I am a bit confused on your intend: Do you want us to treat avoidants worse/ask them for more accountability or do you want us to treat narcissists better/understand them more?
Me as an avoidant saying. If an avoidant partner says they love you, trust it, they love you. We just don’t want to be proving that 24/7. We wanna love you guys in peace 😊 I’m here because I have an anxious partner and I’m trying to understand my treats. I love him and want him in my life, but I struggle to give the emotional security he needs, because apparently he needs it everyday. It’s draining for us.
This made me chuckle! My boyfriend is DA and he's literally told me that, I used to be disorganized/ anxiously attached and have come along way to try understand him and his needs, and to meet them. He has been very patient with me in my healing journey, it goes without saying that I will be patient with him as well
You saying "apparently he needs it everyday" in a condescending way is exactly why avoidants seem so cold, they seem to truly despise that most people want to feel loved everyday. You will always resent him for his "weakness" as you see it. I feel sorry for him, to be pitied by an avoidant feels horrible, because it feels like the person who is supposed to love you thinks you are weak and detestable for having emotional needs. I hope he leaves you before you discard him.
@@part775I feel the same on this. I can feel my avoidant partner's love when it's there, and it's very real. but that doesn't stop them from running the detachment/reattachment cycle over and over again.
@@Jeremyourenemy I guess it’s a matter of respecting that people feel things differently. I feel my partner’s love even tho he doesn’t need to say it or prove it everyday. We are understanding each other’s traits and working together to meet each other’s needs. Demanding someone’s reassurance 24/7 is draining. Everyone likes to feel loved everyday, you’re right, but when you give the other person the full time job of proving and reassuring you all the time, I regret to say it’s codependency. You might be an energy vampire. X
So sad that many of the posts here reflect the misunderstanding and unfair judgement of Avoidants. I mean maybe some Narcissists are Avoidants, but not all Avoidants are narcissistic! Mostly they are damaged people from childhood, or haven’t dealt with the emotional baggage from a bad adult relationship. Personally type; which is innate/God given at birth; has a lot to do with it, as well.
I agree with you 100%. I just started dating an avoidant a few months ago and it is a mixed bag, but very satisfying for me! I have an anxious attachment style, but outside of relationships I am very self confident and self assured. My other is constantly overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings and my honesty. sometimes it bothers me that she feels overwhelmed and other times it really feels like I am in control of the relationship. It doesn't matter to me so much what she says, I can tell she craves being around me. In the moments when things are too much for me, I pull back and she can see that there is literally a danger of me leaving her... she is strong enough to then ask me to stay. To be honest, this relationship is kind of interesting... what is your understanding of what I'm seeing, if you don't mind?
@@pedroariza7892 It sounds familiar…Lol… to a certain extent. You are male (I assume)… I’m female. You are an Anxious. I’m an Avoidant; but, a “healthy” one… and, also an experienced (life) one, at almost 59. Of course the personalities of all involved are extremely important; I think more so than “attachment style”. Also, my guy and I are both “Believers”, and I think that has a lot to do with it all as well! Compatibility is really the key! As for your description of your current relationship… with you being the guy, frankly, I think that it’s more often the men who leave relationships (that’s been the experience of all of the women I’ve known, and some of my own, however…), but as the Avoidant, I was the one who left many of my relationships, when I was younger; basically, back then, being insecure and less healthy, I left them before they could leave me (and one, who was “the love of my life”; looking back now; I found out, years later, would not have left; rather, he actually wanted to marry me). As an Avoidant, I undermined/sabotaged myself quite often; in a lot of areas in my life. Point is… I wouldn’t be so sure that your Avoidant won’t walk away from you one day; I wouldn’t “test” that with her. You mentioned feeling that you are in “control”… no one person should be in “control” of the other person, or the relationship. You also mentioned “pulling away”, which causes a response in her to chase you (which seems to be reassuring and gratifying to you, as an Anxious). *Just don’t “USE” that as a “tactic”… that is called manipulation.* Neither of you should be playing these “games”. It’s not healthy… or fair to the other person. Much better to have an honest, vulnerable, calm and clear, non-threatening conversation/discussion. She MAY not be very responsive in the moment, or all that talkative, but she will hear you, and it will make a difference. You’ll need to gently revisit the topic, at a later date, if you don’t get any feedback at the time, nor see any eventual “action” on her part. My guy is also an Avoidant, like me; tough a less emotionally healthy one… not a “sharer”. Often when I express some “frustrations” in our relationship, he will not respond, at all, verbally… he just takes it all in; I can “see” him processing/accessing. What DOES happen, however, is that he will “adjust” his former “actions” to be more accommodating to my expressed concerns/wishes. He doesn’t talk, but he acts! And, that is huge. He is demonstrating how much he cares about me, and that he wants to make me happy, and continue the relationship. (It’s possibly that you and I are saying the same things, just in slightly different ways. Lol) Relationships take a lot of work, some more than others. (It also matters WHY the two of you are together; Is it just for “fun”, or are you BOTH looking for a committed, long/term relationship??) All these things matter. Hope something in the above 👆helps! (Look into “Love Languages”, as well! 👍🏼) Best wishes!
He had a ton of female friends that would come to him to vent..I don't want that !!! I'm struggling with was a right or wrong. He is definitely a DA and would shut down emotionally very often and I have had some counseling and was trying to deal with it. But I can't deal with that and other women always contacting him 😭
I feel like therapists encourage people to navigate relationships with avoidants because it means thousands of dollars of therapy money in their pockets. Run, don't walk, away from severe avoidants. They will always break your heart.
If you choose to jump of that cliff that is. You can fully ( allow yourself to) LOVE an avoidant person, but keep in mind that the reality of a relationship is different then easy, healthy and ideal. But real love starts with friendship and true loyalty anyway, so ... It can work, is what I mean to say, but it is not easy, takes a lot of time. Someone said Love is the highest form of friendship. 🧡
@@Liza-Loves-Youit's an interesting insight. I'm not quite sure my avoidant has the same understanding of friendship that I have (so that basically raises up the question if I should concider friendship instead of whatever I'd like it to be). My criteria for the friendship is pretty simple: be able to help and support when needed (once I had a awakening experience in hospital, realizing that most people of my contact list would name a dosen of reasons of why whey can't give me a ride home). I feel like "friendship" term for the avoidants is basically hanging out and not helping out.
thanks... i'm an avoidant and if it wasn't for my boyfriend i would've never been able to feel true love remember that everyone is just a person as you're yourself and if smn hurt you one day that is lamentable i'm really sorry yet i don't think anyone should impose their experiences on others roughly generalizing them
What if I've tried a few dozen different hobbies, and I just don't enjoy or see value in anything other than a high-quality romantic relationship? And honestly i also don't want my partner to love me because i have my own hobbies so we spend as little time together as possible. I want my partner to want to spend as MUCH time together as possible, and i want his universe to revolve around me. I just truly don't understand how a relationship can be worthwhile without it. Without it, it feels transactional. And just to be clear, I'm not saying i need or even want to actually spend a ton of time together. I just want a partner who craves being with me. How much time we actually spend together doesn't matter. I also WANT a partner who i can rely on for validation. Otherwise, what's the point of having a partner? I want more than merely materialistic comforts.
Well... you definitely know what you want. And (what you're describing as your want) isn't ANY personality type that has any tendency to these traits she's discussing. Many of which are pretty darned healthy attitudes (in the video). Nobody can be everybody's cup of tea. Just print out your statement here, & show it to people who make it past the 1st date. 😉 That will weed them out for you. 🫣 TBH, They would be miserable with the personality & attachment type you are describing (as desirable to you).
This sounds like a desire for codependency and enmeshment. These are not things that are considered healthy for a relationship. These things can lead to instability and probably fuel an anxious attachment style.
So as an anxious type is good for me to also in a way control my emotional intensity. Also I shouldn't step back and give her all the space she needs. Be more relax don't seek constant validation be relaxed , focus on you get. Comftable with silence when you are together and just do your hobbies?
We've been talking consistently for 7 years. His dad died 2 months ago. After the wake of his dad last week, he started becoming distant and asked for space. I'm scared that if I give him space he would slowly drift away and leave me.
I clearly have avoidant attachment disorder with MDD, SAD, and PTSD. I have no want for anything. I have no need for anything. I am lesser in everything, therefore I am nothing. My kids don't like me, my wife is getting to the point of hating me. I get no alone time, I am not allowed to have a hobby, I fake happy moments. I am in a corner or forced to be outside cooking for people's parties. I do not celebrate my birthday, father's day or anything remotely to do with me, I don't care for it. People do not understand why I am not worth the time or effort. I don't need or want validation, I don't like or love myself, why anyone wants to like or love me does not equate in my brain.
@wareaves1 I wasn't always like this, I knew I was screwed up even as a kid, I tried to stay out of that darkness. Over the last 15 years it's been a steady decline since my second brain injury. I have been in therapy for years, now on my 20th one. Most common question I get asked and the killing point for me quitting is "why haven't you stopped breathing yet?" Since libtard biase won't let me use the exact wording, but you catch my drift with committing the s-word. Currently having to stop therapy this time because he can't understand the war and military service stuff.
hang on man, sounds like you have been through a lot. I believe you are on the right path and the place where you have to be is right now. I pray for you
@LianaS-i6p no, I am ugly inside and out. I completely hate what I am, I should never have survived my 2 attempted murders by my mother and stepmother. They knew what I was, even all those years ago.
There needs to be more videos calling out avoidants for what and who they actually are and should emphasize the need for them to get help instead of always making videos about how everyone should adapt to avoidants.
'Sometimes', shy away from directness. Cute. My avoidant ex literally said many times, "This is new to me". After the breakup, he shared that, that Some how... Meant "I'm uncomfortable". Seriously, wtf?
I am confused: at the beginning of the video you described, which partner the avoidant is looking for and in the second part - what one should do to become this ideal partner. But I am that already, that is the reason why we are together for 14 years. So there is nothing to change in me or my behaviour, but still, every time I openly try to address a problem and speak about it, my husband just shuts down. Now, that we have a child it’s just a burden for my to carry all that luggage alone, I have neither time nor forces to be working on myself additionally, especially because I don’t understand why I should change, and not him. He had traumatic childhood, so he should be healing his problems.
@@stephensegal5187 I disagree, it's in relationship that you can work on yourself. Triggers will help. You can go to a therapist as well, to get exercises to practice in the relationship. The most important is to be aware. Going into a relationship when you are not aware of you problems is not fair for the partner.
1. Be consistent
2. Develop the capacity to self validate (self regulate)
3. Know your boundaries and communicate them assertively
4. Have your own passions and pursuits
5. Adopt an accepting and non judgmental attitude
6. Be discerning and say no when needed
Be prepared for things to change at any time.
@@MkMOriginal Please elaborate on this?
It would be much appreciated 🙏🏵
🧡
@@Liza-Loves-You this person is providing the outline for my video. The video is the elaboration
I am a very secure person. I have my own life and passion. I have been married 26 years. We had intense talk about how he is all romantic and happy if I am my usual happy go lucky person. But if I am in a sad or bad mood (sometimes because of my premenopause) he just leaves me alone. I understood that he does not know how to handle the situation. So I told him in a situation like this just give me a hug. But nothing. Why I have to be the one EVERY SINGLE TIME to start talking and mend the relationship. I feel absolutely no emotional support from him.
Probably because you are very secure, he got very secure as well or already was. When I had a more needy partner, I became a bit avoidant. Not much, but e.g. for me it was enough from the cudling, but she wanted more, but I did not give her, because my back already hurt from the lots of lying. Little I understood, how much she needed it.
Fast fowrard few years. With emotional abuses I got broke inside, and I was alone for years. Finally got a partner, I was anxious very much. Tried to communicate, that currently I am sensitive, but not much luck. Actually we had a conversation, where I told her I need cuddles, and she said "I cant lie all day in a bed". Little she understood, how much I needed it. Little she understood how much it hurt, the way she said it, even if I agree with it. She just did not understand me. Did not see me. She was a true avoidant as it turned out.
Anyways, your case happens, when we take the other for granted and forget the luxury of having someone with us and mostly everything works. Sometimes have to stop, look around, and realize how much to be valued. Often we value the other after losing it. What I learned, that we have to give compliments to our partners, at least for me. I did not get much in my childhood from my parents, so it is something new to me. When I got compliments from my partner it felt really good. Thats where I understood, that I need to look for the good traits of the other. Sadly I am often looking for the bad things. Thats my default, but working on it. And it helped for me to value the things, that we have, and value the other, hence, take more seriously her needs if she needs me.
Because 2 most important things in a relationship: be emotionally available, open to your partner, and if it needs you, then be there. These are the fundaments. The other is not granted. It is a work. And I have to be there if she needs me.
But again, in a 26 years of marriage it may be not that easy, I do not have such, so I dont want to be "smart".
very tough place to be
Exactly the same here. We’ve been married 20 years. It makes you feel completely alone
@healingenergy4994 That's
How it is.
And an empty sorry. Just remember if you're going to try to love an Avoidant The only philosophy you can have is "it is what it is" That's about all the answers you get
I’m anxious and have had only 2 significant relationships which involved a DA and an FA. It was absolutely the most emotionally neglectful, disrespectful, and abusive ever. It has pushed me to not even want to be involved in a relationship ever again. I was always the kind, understanding, loving, compassionate, supportive partner and all they did was project their pain and blame me. It felt like I was the only one really trying to grow the relationship. I did the inner work and healing only to be a casualty of their own war. Most of the time I felt like I was in a relationship but all alone or catering to their needs. If I expressed my feelings, it was a problem…or rather they made me feel like I was creating it. I don’t want to close down my loving and playful nature…I just will be more careful when investing my emotions. Def not giving it away to people who use me as a emotional punching bag
@@iamsoohappy yes I felt like I was being blamed for creating or making up problems in the relationship when I expressed my feelings. They all tend to gaslight us in that manner. It is like being an emotional punching bag and like their taking it out on us and reinactjng the pain onto their caregiver that didn’t provide them the emotional safety as a child.
@iamsoohappy Some people just suck the kindness out of you like a
Parasite
Always love in a way the other person feels free
So according to this video, the way for an avoidant partner to love you more is to become more secure. This still doesn't address their difficulty with intimacy, expressing emotions and working through problems in the relationship. Even people with secure attachments struggle with avoidants, because the second you express any need (even while being as calm and direct as possible) they either sweep it under the rug and avoid it or shut down and want to run. None of this cures their insecure attachment style, even though we're expected to be more secure. We're always expected to accommodate avoidants, why? They are exhausting
Good question
Exactly!
I know 🥹
Most of these videos never really call the avoidant to task. They always tell everyone else how to adapt to an avoidant but not how an avoidant should be adapting to their person. Avoidants always get the benefit of the doubt.
@@Eddybo22actually we usually get villainized. And i think the reason alot of videos are set up this way is because to be honest more ppl are teeny trying to be with their avoidant and if you tell most ppl to leave them alone they'll find it hard because most likely they're anxiously attached.
I do agree though that their should be more content to truly help the avoidant become better. Tools etc.
But that's why these ppl have their courses n such. Oh they'll tell you what's wrong with you. But to fix it is a price.
I can’t believe that there are people skipping over this. This is magical information!
The comments here present a dichotomy of views, and I think that is because if you have a secure attachment style, then an avoidant is just too much work. Why would you bother?
But avoidants tend to gravitate toward anxious attachment types, who are similarly on the insecure side of the street (this is from attachment theory, on which all this is based), and when anxious types understand all the things they need to work through then that gives them some compassion for the avoidant types.
Both have had poor parenting (not our fault) which presents us with unconscious emotional challenges we need to work through.
I think that's why some people understand the main thesis Briana is saying, and some people don't.
Yep, nobody wants to think of themselves as sharing the blame but secure people know to detach from people who can't or won't meet their needs reasonably. All the vitriolic comments along the lines of "the way to fix them is DON'T, I spent 7 years blah blah blah..." are really just self-reporting on their own blind spot.
Avoidant people also need to be loved. Even though they are hard to deal with they are very sensitive and have feelings and emotions as we all do. thank you so much ma'am for this video. This video really helps me to maximize my relationship with my avoidant partner and heal my own self as well. once again thank you very much .
Avoidance is an illness, from which one can heal. Learn to be secure attached.
I’m trying so hard to remain indifferent to my partner… he barely ever compliments me or shows me any affection but he says he loves me… I grew up ignored as a child and it’s starting to feel like my partner is my parents all over again
Same. Except it’s my girlfriend. Sucks.
Similar, my ex spouse did ignore, just like my parents. I feel less lonely being solo! :)
Starts at 12:15..thank me later
Thank you so much!!
Thank u! ❤
Wow, the comments here are so callous and reek of victimhood. I have been on both sides of the anxious/avoidant dynamic. The dynamic can change during the course of a relationship and also depending on the person you're with. I think the key takeaway here is to be mindful of your attachment style and empathetic to your partner's wants and emotional needs. Control your attachment style, don't let it control you.
Well said
🙏🏵🧡
Agree! We all must be responsible for our choices and reactions.
I couldn't agree more.
I am with an avoidant partner, and we are very happy together. We communicate all the time,we are healthy together and are healing separately and together becoming more secure. Being together takes **willingness**
I’ve been married to an avoidant for 23 years and only now am learning about our attachment styles. No surprise, I am an anxious attachment. I am working on providing myself my own validation and emotional support. I have taken up a couple new hobbies that I truly find joy in. However, it seems that the more I do this, the less close I feel to my husband. Rather than bringing us together, it feels like a wedge developing between us.
I am going through the same thing. I have experienced all this growth and emotional independence and confidence and I even had some conversations with my person about what I am doing so that change doesn’t come as a shock to him. For my situation I almost wonder if he is a narcissist because I detect an energy of jealousy and contempt. It’s like he is upset that I now have confidence and boundaries
I experienced this. My current life coach taught me that the mind is creating a separation between what it thinks is good vs. what it thinks is bad. I had to put an effort into being conscious of this tendency and redirecting my negative thoughts by seeing all my activities (including relationship) as all connected. If you can do this, your positive thinking will spread to all things including your relationship. Hope it helps
I’m currently dating an avoidant, and it’s working by following her lead. If I say or do something that’s a trigger, she says 🚨 and I back off immediately, change the topic. We continue without incident. Once apart, I consider what I was trying to accomplish when I triggered her, and ask her for a comfortable way to express that thing without triggering. Even if she doesn’t offer any ideas, she’s heard the thing I wanted to express, and I leave it at that.
She hates being triggered, so my finding ways not to do that puts her at ease and shows that I’m willing and able to learn her language. And my learning her language is on me - it’s nothing she’s doing. If she says, basically, please unsay that thing you just said, it’s not an argument, I just haven’t learned her language around that thing yet. I’m listening and she’s appreciating that, and becoming more comfortable feeling her feelings. We’ve built trust, where she doesn’t need to pull away because I stop advancing. It’s ok to idle without movement to anyone’s “side.” We can just pause there in the middle, together.
This sounds exhausting. You will find another person who will meet you closer to half way. If she is so easily triggered, the relationship is unlikely to be enduring. Best of luck.
You are constantly catering to her emotional needs while you ignorr yours. Its a recipe for disaster. She will start to disrespect you for that submission and leave.
@@earlgrey2130Exactly this.
We don't want someone trying so hard or submitting because that is showing weakness which gives us the ick. We don't see it as you care or love us. We think you don't care about yourself & then that triggers us because how are you going to care about me when you don't care about yourself?
I do hope for the best though.
Some of us are willing to change. Especially when you're not fighting us & willing to truly understand how we experienced life.
We want closeness, intimacy, relationship.
But sometimes we get stuck in shame guilt etc.
So becoming curious about us versus badgering us about how we're not showing up is ideal.
As an avoidant, I was calmed and soothed reading your comments. Thank you truly. It gives me hope.
Until I learned about avoidance in relationships, I was convinced that some guys simply didn't like me although I wasn't sure about it. Thanks to you everything is much much clearer now. 🙏😘 However I would still rather date somebody who is not avoidant.😄
I keep falling for avoidants and its really hard as an anxious. I dont wanna do this anymore😭
I don't want that for me anymore, one time is suficiente. But one thing I can say is that I've learned a lot of things about me.
me too 😢 but must heal yourself fisrt bro
Same here.
Please get therapy I was just like that and with therapy I’ve learned how to be secure attachment and learned that there’s nothing in the world you should sacrifice for an avoidant partner. They need more therapy than ever to WANT TO CHANGE FOR YOU and if they can’t MOVE ON, please do it for YOU🫂
Based on exp with DA, they will always change mind, mood and plans. its always unpredictable, today she is good tomorrow she and so forth doesnt exist. Dating a DA is like dating a ghost.
certainly feels that way to me at times, often leaves me puzzled
Agreed. It seems the best way to love them is from a distance. Work on loving yourself, healing the anxious attachment wound that allowed the relationship to continue, then get back out there and attract the love you want and deserve 💪🏽
I ended up on theraphy. The basis is you feel if you mirror them back, it is game over. So you trying to act on it, this involves some critics, which triggers them and can go into full emotional abusive. At the end, she was so shut down, that even if I told her a simple story, he reacted with zero emotion. If I called her out, then she denied everything. You just cant win. Either you submit and give up yourself for the relationship, or you say game over. Pretty much like a narcissist. Cant reach her inner core, deny/avoid everything, gaslight you, controlling, maybe even hypersexual, but of course also on her terms. Nightmare. Actually I had nightmares for months after we broke up. Half year in, and still not over it. She half-killed my sexuality as well.
Where's the video on "I'm an avoidant partner... what can I do better?"
Avoidants avoid. Apparently even if they decide to go to therapy there is a fair chance they'll be triggered by it and quit, like they get triggered by emotional closeness in a relationship and quit.
So while vídeos with self-help advice for avoidants do exist they are in much less demand and get far fewer hits.
@@blatherskyt Avoidants are more like pets than partners. There aren't many videos on "I'm a cat.. how can I be a better pet for my human?" The actual adult in the relationship has to do all the work if they want to keep the relationship alive, although the pet must be cooperative for it to work.
@@spikygreen I love this example.
There are none. As usual, the onus is on YOU to navigate two directions on their one way street.
@@blatherskyt right here: 6 Signs of Anxious Partner + Six Tips to Embrace It
th-cam.com/video/gOAnqlS8QeQ/w-d-xo.html
You’re so right. I didn’t realize I had this anxious attachment. Several years into my relationship I became depressed, abandoning my spiritual practices and became preoccupied with my partner instead. That’s when I started behaving in a needy and controlling ways and drove my avoidant partner away.
Me too. And I lost her and she's now with someone else and his family. Lost her and my home and my family. It's unbearable.
@@rangerdanger10 oeh, that's a high price to pay.
Put yourself first is .... well, great advice, don't you think?
Do you have a solid plan to get back on your feet?
Babysteps off course
🧡🏵🙏
Ps, I "lost" a great (potential) lover too, but learned so much
I am hearing someone say: "The best is jet to come"
Could that be true? 😉😘😁
Run!!!! That is the best way! Save yourself.😊
A lot of men tend towards this avoidant attachment style, but they often are solid people in many other aspects of life (honest, dependable, industrious, etc). As long as he is willing to acknowledge his shortcomings and work on things together (where as Briana points out, you need to also do your part because it's not just about 'fixing him'), it may be better to stay and try to make it work out.
I’m exhausted and shredded.
So, youve given someone a lot of power over your emotional wellbeing ...
While they where not willing and or capable of taking very well care of you?
Is there a lesson in here?
🧡🏵🙏
Same.
I'm tired of trying to love people who are emotionally unstable, can't communicate in a healthy manner, avoid accountability, and push me away because they're scared of closeness and commitment. They only want the benefits of the situation, not the connection. They need to either seek help or stay single, or both just leave me alone because I do not struggle with these issues, nor do I deserve to deal with yours.
Get a therapist
@fatatabata
Don't need one.
I do my own self care and distance myself from stupidity
@@Freethnkr ahahah good luck!
@@fatatabata
hahaha hell...worry about yourself
This video has already changed my life in my relationship with myself and acknowledging what anxiety is and how to acknowledge it. Literally changed my life 💯
Your comment on personal integrity and self-love is so powerful.
My relationship with an avoidant partner is over - and I hope I never have another like it - but I do find this all fascinating and enlightening.
Im so sorry. 😞
Im an Avoidant and it feels so bad for me trying to be with someone when I deeply feel like I'm just causing more pain than anything else. The amount of shame & guilt i feel is excruciating. I just recently discovered that i was avoidant. I truly feel at a loss for myself & my relationship. I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm so dizzy & scared. How fast i go from so captivated by him to complete repulse. To me, this is ridiculous.
But it's like... do I stay single?
I guess. I mean, you know me. I don't mind.
But the constant anxiety, overthinking, questioning/ suspicion/ untrust of ex, not wanting to be close & feeling literally disabled from showing intimacy & then having to hear about how much I'm hurting him is literal Hell & then feeling bad about that...😞
I just want to be happy. And I'm starting to feel the wear & tear of bearing the pain of awareness of my inability to overcome this & to show up as well as stuff from our past & then the constant need for reassurance.
It's currently 2:13am.
Im just at a literal loss.
If you're watching this in regard to your Avoidant, I just want to say that we truly do not mean to be like this. I'm sure you've recognized instances where other individuals have interacted with your person and your person was such a delight.
We're not asholes. We're not out to drain you or be in your way or hurt you. But clearly, this is deeper than I initially thought.
To be honest, I'd rather be alone, thrive, heal in peace knowing I'm not hurting anyone & heal through platonic relationships where I'm being activated.
The Dance of Distrustion is getting very old.
Get a therapist
It took courage and vulnerability to be so transparent and admit this. Strengths. Awareness is a good starting point. I resonate, also being an avoidant. I am alone and healing through platonic relationships. To look within takes utmost courage. I applaud you and wish you well.
I hope things get better for you. Sounds really tough.
Please do yourself a favor and stay the hell away from these comment sections, for your own emotional safety sake. This is a venting room where hurting wounded people point fingers and call other wounded people things like "black holes of misery", and it is therefore unfortunately NOT a safe space for people who happen to be wired like they are, and developed an avoidant attachment style.
Have you read Running on empty, by Jonice Webb?
❤️❤️❤️🍀🤗🍀❤️❤️❤️💪✌️
Thank you for sharing this!!! It's very heartwarming to hear someone not only acknowledge that they are an avoidant, but what it does to us anxious people. I feel really terrible that this is how you go through your life in relationships. Makes me very sad to know that there are people that just want to be loved but don't know how to let others love them. I'll be praying for you 🙏 ❤
3:50 I said it before and I'll say it again: It is unbelievable how much eye-opening your channel has been for me. Thank you.
Best video I ever came across, I am self- dependent and my covert D/A openend up a lot and I can feel his love as he is showing deep care for me. I seem to give him emotional freedom to feel safe with me. I do not question him but have my strong boundaries which I communicate. I only talk about what I want for myself not asking for it directly. Thank you Briana ❤ greetings from Germany, he is from Slovenia where I am right now
Would you please tell me your ways.. how did you get him to open up.
So if he hasn’t talked to me in two weeks, what am I supposed to do? I obviously want consistent communication.
@@derekenlow7607 I only talk about my own feelings, give him space which he does not want anymore, never accuse him of anything. Also giving him emotional space, not pushing him into anything.
@@ritapeters1330 thank you for the reply. I appreciate it
@@derekenlow7607 you are very welcome, you must leave them as they want to be , but communicate your wishes and feelings. Without asking for changes.
Avoidants are wired different. Same way you feel that it puts you in limbo when we avoid emotions and tell you to do the same you guys put us in limbo when you want us to be more sensetive, share your emotions or express feelings more. It's a misunderstanding from both sides. Trying to change the other side makes them feel bad about themselves because we process things on opposite ways in order to feel good. There's no good or bad guy here. Just a blindspot. Neither side really wants to hurts each other.
I believe thats a very valid and useful observation Thanks
Totally agree
so draining, the simple things you want them to reciprocate to show you love like simple gestures without asking or telling them to do, they really struggle. I’m a secured attachment and I can’t understand why it’s so difficult for them to show the smallest efforts. The frustration comes when you’re doing 99% of everything. They don’t offer or do if you don’t ask, and if you ask, they get a little annoyed. It’s very difficult to love them, and it will feel it’s one sided where you end up doing everything all on your own.
I'm going through the exact same thing. And yes, it really drains you.. I'm not even sure anymore if I still wanted our relationship to work. It feels like I'm the only one who has future plans for both of us..
Avoidant men just want an AI robot partner. - gives affection and physical intimacy to them when they want it and no expectation of any reciprocation and only interact when they themselves feel lonely and want some validation. And also has no opposing opinions to them as that also triggers them. 😂
Better to avoid these types of people. If you’re secure or anxiously attached you’ll only end up giving up more of yourself to the point where you don’t know who are anymore and walking on eggshells around them for fear of triggering them. I’ve learned that no matter what you do, even if you follow this guidance the avoidant person will always bail on you. it may not happen right now but it will eventually - that is their mindset.
Unfortunately "avoidant personalities" are just as prevalent with women.
Walking on eggshells.
The ghosting.
The cold shoulders.
The lack of healthy communication.
It is downright cruel, disrespectful and confusing.
I understand that an avoidamt has trauma but that behavior is inexcusable
@@auronx yes you’re right. Avoidants can be either gender. it is just cruel they inflict damage on others knowingly and yet choose not to change and confront their own fears.
@@petitcoeur-q6r Thats a massive shame that you were hurt and had the misfortune of dealing with an avoidant.
Im currently dealing with a female coworker whose phone number I had asked for, of which I was given, only to then proceed to ghost, ignore, and act awkwardly around me, now going out of her way so that she doesnt talk or see me.
It is pretty cruel and disheartening
@@auronx it’s is disheartening and painful. If they ever change their mind don’t take them back either. They bail in the end - always. I’m currently ghosted by my ex Dismissive avoidant. Been almost two weeks now since I heard anything. The final ghosting and I will never hear from them again. No reason given after three years in this relationship.
It’s not a person for someone that loves to demonstrate love and share. It’s like you have to sacrifice and be too independent . I was in one 😒 now I have a sharing secure man just like me! 🎉
Avoid avoidants, you hear me
You will save yourself a whole lot of pain.
Choose yourself
It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, they are bound to break you, I promise you.
They will break you, you'll become numb to the point you you lose yourself. You'll end up needing professional help to heal your unhealed wounds and once you do they'll start slowly breaking you all over again
hIGHLY helpful. I have been for years convinced that loving my avoidant was a dead end. I now reconsider that by ending it with him, was the right thing to do. And that if he chose to reach out (which he never has), that there is a pathway to growthand self-knowledge by BOTH parties and achieving a great relationship.
I wonder why there is no videos or help for avoidance on how to love and care for their partners and learn about intimacy
Because they won’t. Seriously.. let them go.
There are a lot of videos to help them understand themselves and their partners. Its just not in your algorithm.
Because an avoidant is not interested in any of that. The pain point lies with their usually anxiously attached partner.
Because they are not interested! They are too busy with themselves!
@@WishIWJ my husband tells me that all the time now. Does he really mean it or is he testing me?
Yes… safe and free… but, also RELAXED. I want to be able to act and be the same way I would be if I were alone; not self-conscious. It would also be great to be able to just exist together, in each other’s presence/company, without necessarily interacting; not ignoring each other, but just being comfortable contentedly sharing the same space and experiencing physical closeness within that space. May sound boring to some, but to an INTP, “Healthy Avoidant”, of 58 years old… sounds like Heaven to me.
Wait until there is no conversation.
@@sunflowerroark5170 I’m an “Avoidant” (though a “healthier” one; who has done a lot of introspection and is very self aware, and continuing to do “the work”). Maybe YOU (YOUR “attachment style” and personality type) are just not compatible with an Avoidant (and/or possibly others with whom you have been in a relationship). Figure yourself out FIRST, before becoming a couple. 👍🏼
Yeah that's about exactly what I'm looking for. I'm what I like to call somewhat avoidant.
Every time I see comments that demonize the avoidant, I wonder what in the world they are doing here. Clearly they do care about the inner world of an avoidant, yet the comments would lead you to believe they got to this video by accident.
@@LSGO90 This ☝️
I feel this sense that it's so much more work for the anxious partner... the anxious partner has to do all this self-reflection and deep, uncomfortable work, everyday really, to "deal" with the anxiety and make sure to not "need too much affection" from their partner... yet, what does the avoidant partner need to do? Nothing but sit back and wait for the anxious person to change? I think this is where the resentment sets in for a lot of anxiously attached folks. It really feels like the avoidant gets to sit back and sip lemonade until the anxious person transforms to make the avoidant feel better.
@@healingwithforrestYes! That’s a bit of how I feel. I feel I have made a lot of changes in myself, which are probably for the better, but it still takes energy to stop caring and be less anxious. I’m anxious in general life, so I’m trying very hard to start worrying less about things I have no control over.
@healingwithforrest What you say really resonates with my experience. After 30 years, yes 30 years of self reflection, therapy and work on myself because i was lead to believe i was the one who had the problem, i have just ended our relationship and i am devastated. I have tried so hard and for so long to accept that if i love him then i have to try and accept him as he is. This has lead to me going from secure in my attachment to becoming anxious and avoidant within the relationship. I have withdrawn from him emotionally, feel incredibly hurt by his total lack of emotional support, on the rare occasion i actually express a need for some, and can't help but get very angry and resentful when he let's me down once again. I have only recently discovered that our problems are because of his attachment issues, he is still wearing a blindfold or burying his head in the sand and cannot even begin to talk about any of this.
I feel so bad for ending things but i also see that unless he were to get himself some help, things will never change and i can't cope anymore.
They are exhausting. It's like rowing up a swift river backwards. We found out about their style of connecting after we married and had children. I hope this answers your question,
You can't until they fix their issues. It's best to leave them alone
I wish I'd known about avoidant attachment my partner is text book and by showing her how much I love her I've actually pushed her away, and I worry now that I've lost her.
Honestly the lifelong pain you will endure will crush your soul. She will destroy you. Get away. Break the bond. Don’t worry about the lost sex or lost breadcrumbs of affection: you will eventually buy a house / marry / have kids with her and one day POOF she will be gone and you’ll be on the ledge of the local bridge. Do not continue this.
@@anthonyc5039 I love her though, and I hope one day I can make her feel secure. Everyone has said the same thing. Ditch and get rid. But that's easier said than done
@@con81radjust imagine the pain and wounds it would cause if you were to have children with them. These people are a cancer to the soul.
You never lost her, she was never yours.
I think you really helped to reorganized a lot of what i already went through so far. Thank you
So many of your words are true golden nuggets of wisdom here. Thank you for making the time and energy in articulating this so well 🙏🏽
Best video for my situation!!!! Wow I needed this
I've come to realise I'm a fearful avoidant, and for the first time I'm with another avoidant partner, except they're dissmive avoidant so they shut down more than me and I'm trying to make it work cause for once, I feel I've met someone who connects with me on a deeper level, who went through similar upbringings to me and I feel this strong desire to want to help them open up and heal.
Been there. The thing is you cannot 'help' your DA partner in the sense that you can only support them if they want to change and you cannot make them want to change, they need to get there themselves. The best you can do is to work on your own triggers so your FA reactivity doesn't get in the way of the relationship. And you have to recognise for what it is your FA compulsion to "save" this person. As an FA you probably have a strength that you can have lots of empathy for your partner and sensitivity to their emotional state. That's the good side of FA hypervigilance. Finally, telling a DA about their own attachment when they're not ready can trigger their shame core wound, so tread lightly. Good luck.
Soul centered security!!!! What a wonderful approach and way to look at and love myself. Thia is great! Thank you!
You're so welcome!
This was excellent, well worth the watch. Thank you, and keep up the good work.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Excellent...to know yourself will help you know how to deal with emotional tug a wars inside and out and balance human relationships.
Amen to that.
I don't think you need to promote your other videos every 15 seconds - your knowledge itself gets people interested in watching them!
This is the most insightful and high-value experience I’ve had in exploring improvement in relationship skills. I learned so much about myself, and gained important perspective in management of my own life path and forming stronger bonds through self acceptance and mindfulness! Thank you so much, I’m recommending your series to friends! ❤❤
You explain this so well!!!
Best way to love an avoidant is to leave them alone. If they're unable to find a partner there´s a chance that they'll go to therapy and stop their abusive behaviour. Find yourselves a healthy partner instead - stay safe out there.
Thanks so much for your comment. I have recently get dumped by an avoidant. I feel used and neglected but i knew deep inside of me that he wasn't my person or an healthy partner.
That’s garbage
Amen
Yup. The best way to love them is don't.
Yes leave them alone - they will monkey branch elsewhere. They never loved you
I think not reading negative assumptions into their actions is so key especially for the anxious person … seems like human beings never assume positive intent
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Gosh you know your stuff!
Thank you for your video very much appreciated.
This people like space not just tiny space but big space with capital letters. My avoidant is extremely laid back and me am the opposite and when I see he is becoming distant I remove myself and carry on living my life in his absence. Am a single mother of 2 and my life is pretty busy already so I remove myself from whatever attention I was giving him and placed it on myself and the kids. I stopped calling and texting him and gave him his space and didn't chase and just carried on living my life without his presence. Right now he is in Nigeria for holidays and we barely talk and I just carry on living my life and focus on myself and my kids and don't sit around waiting on him to communicate or call or text.
That is how it is but I do not trust them, just too many times and we can't discuss it so it's Iike screw my needs. I need assistance with basic info and deserve it to be at peace
I'm shocked as some leaning more secure these days, lots of therapy, with ambivalent tendencies dating someone who's the same that people are talking about these attachment styles as if they're fixed permanent traits. When there's conflict in my relationship only then can I see which way we might lean more as far as both being ambivalent, thus why I'm here. Realizing all the ways I'm definitely part, one half, of the problem. Though our relationship seems potentially unique given it's not just straight anxious vs avoidant attachment. So I take what works and leave the rest.
Valuable insight and a shared experience, thank you
Excellent Video‼️
Thank you for the video, really helped me with my current relationship troubles. I wanted to ask - Do you have any tips for some activities or conversations an anxious partner could initiate/do with their avoidant partner that could build emotional intimacy without the avoidant building up walls, feel attacked or listen only to reply and win the argument instead of listening to understand the anxious partner?
That was very helpful, thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for your videos, I love your balance with the spiritual and seeing it all from a more well rounded and conscious perspective. I am finding it very helpful for understanding my partner. Blessings***
No contact. That's how you love them best. Away and moved on.
The way to deal with an avoidants is to leave and let them find themselves.
Be your best sovereign self and you'll attract similar.
Everyone in these DA dismissive avoidant videos tends to be salty, but I do feel like this is totally valuable advice. As someone who's anxious avoidant dealing with a DA friend (or two?), I DO see the value in using the visceral emotions (created in my OWN head!) that occur when I communicate with the DA. When I'm with a DA or communicating with them and I have that time to reflect on, hey, why do I feel lonely? Why do I seek validation for something as simple as X or Y? When I seek to self-improve, why do I also seek their approval? When I question myself, it almost feels like I'm going through my OWN list of "desires" that I "don't want to admit" because to admit them is painful and goes against my self defense mechanisms from my anxious avoidant upbringing. They're things I've struggled with for years. I'm no longer going to accept this pain as normal. Sure, to be let down will naturally lead to disappointment. But to be rejected by someone you like should not feel this horrible. Disappointing? Sure. But leading to obsession or restlessness or a clouded mind? No. So I know everyone here is hating on DAs, but as someone who still had growing to do, it made me question myself and finally see my shortcomings in this area.
Great that you're improving hun but remember if they're not pulling their weight, they're not worth your time. No matter how much you understand them.
I totally agree.
Wisdom in this and frank honesty. Thanks for the share.
My avoidant that I've been with for 3 years, divorced his ex-wife 11 years ago. But he can't attach to me because he is still attached to her emotionally. And I have to ask, what do you do when every time you say, very directly I love when you do this because it makes me feel___, but then that's the thing they take away? I tell him I love it when he touches base throughout the day here and there, so then he'll ghost me all day. I tell him I love our sex life, so then he cuts me off.🤷
Thats very heartbreaking and a downright shame that youre being treated this way.
Your comment was absolutely heartbreaking to read. Such a gut wrenching situation to be in. Feel for you
U love it self an move on cause he doesn't wanna hear it from u but her...screw living in someone else's shadow,u have to see he still loves her cause she doesn't want him an that's it
Same 😢 it’s a way to control the situation because that’s the only way they know how to stabilize 😢
Same experience here
You are awesome!
My ex was all about me multiple times. Started to become very expressive. Then wigged out and sabotaged it. Multiple times. Once that happens forget ANY authentic communication. They bolt for 3 or 4 months. I'm done. I was dumb enough to try multiple times. Arrived at indifference after some heartache.
what did they say after trying to come back after so much time ? do they truly apologize and try fixing themselves or do they change nothing ?
This is absolutely 👏brilliant
Do you have a vid that tells us how to love our anxious or fearful partners?
It’s pretty simple. Check in on them and talk frequently. Show them you love them through actions
I am definitely an avoidant. I don't have just one wall around me, but multiple. That plus being risk averse and untrusting of everyone also means I had never fallen for scams or gimmicks.
Except for maybe self sabotaging a good opportunity... which is akin to scamming yourself out of a blessing
@@hmackhmackhmack7551 I am fine with that. Anything that I miss out on somebody else will have it, and that is good enough for me. I like to go the farthest with the minimum.
@@hmackhmackhmack7551 That is fine. Anything that I miss out on, somebody else will have and that is good enough for me. I am content with having just enough.
@@hmackhmackhmack7551 I am fine with that. Any opportunities that I don't take, someone else will and that is good enough for me.
@@hmackhmackhmack7551 That is fine. Somebody else will enjoy those and that is good enough for me.
Why isn’t there a “how to love an anxious attachment person”?
Because Avoidants make all these therapists more money than any anxious attachment does.
And they wonder why we feel unwanted, abandoned and unheard. 😂
@@JustTheTip694uright 😭😭😭
I'd imagine "How to love an anxious attachment person" is less a topic, because if someone is wondering that about their anxious partner, they just ask them directly.
@Eddybo22 That's no joke avoidant partner's are a hand full.🤣🤣
Excellent info 🙌🙌🙌
Great video ❤
Interestingly, I can find avoidant attachment in an astrology chart. This indicates that there’s more to it than just childhood issues.
Past life issues are at play when it shows in the chart.
A lot of planets in aquarius and in 11th house, maybe? As well, south node in pisces and 11th house? My chart and having so much problem because of it
past life as in genetics sounds very feasible
What the avoidant is doing, is esentially emotional abuse and neglect. I don t know why we treat them better then narcissists or psychopaths. Each of them are esentially manipulative, abusive and neglectful. I also think if you react badly to their neglect, it does NOT mean you re necesarily anxious. Just means you have healthy needs, and you re reacting to emotional abuse which is a trauma response.
I m a licenced psychotherapist, and all the personality disorders are esentially trauma responses, and narcissistic abuse in my pov is not worse than avoidant neglect and stonewalling. Or other way said, each is a nightmare, but we should not defend avoidants, and try to cater to their needs. No darlin. They gotta go to therapy and work on themselves, otherwise they will esentially lose their loving partners.
I know it can be painful when you are on the receiving end. But you very insightfully point out that avoidant patterns are exactly what you describe here, a reaction to neglect. And narcissism and sociopathy is a very different thing. I recommend checking out my playlist on the topic.Narcissism and Attachment Theory
th-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_.html
The difference between avoidants and narcissist is intent. Avoidants don't want to hurt or destroy you, narcissists on the other hand ...
And yes the behavior is equally harming to the victims and avoidants need to learn and grow. But unlike narcissists they know that they cause suffering and they can develope healthy relationships. There's the difference. There is hope for avoidance and they might deserve a chance to get better.
@@blauespony1013narcissism is also a trauma response. And no, they don t know either because they don t have empathy. And they live in survival mode. I m a psychotherapist and studied these. Actually avoidant attachment might also have avoidant personality disorder or even vulnerable narcissism, comorbid.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentI am a psychotherapist. I was refering as neglect to what the avoidant does, not his trauma response. The partner also has trauma response to the avoidant treatment.
@@etunde81 I mean every person has narcissistic tendencies, but not everyone is a narcissist. I think that is the first point most people don't understand. So a lot of the hate might even be projection plus online buzzwording (I bet 90% of the so called narcissists aren't even narcissists).
Just to understand you correnctly because I am a bit confused on your intend:
Do you want us to treat avoidants worse/ask them for more accountability or do you want us to treat narcissists better/understand them more?
Me as an avoidant saying. If an avoidant partner says they love you, trust it, they love you. We just don’t want to be proving that 24/7.
We wanna love you guys in peace 😊
I’m here because I have an anxious partner and I’m trying to understand my treats. I love him and want him in my life, but I struggle to give the emotional security he needs, because apparently he needs it everyday.
It’s draining for us.
This made me chuckle! My boyfriend is DA and he's literally told me that, I used to be disorganized/ anxiously attached and have come along way to try understand him and his needs, and to meet them. He has been very patient with me in my healing journey, it goes without saying that I will be patient with him as well
You saying "apparently he needs it everyday" in a condescending way is exactly why avoidants seem so cold, they seem to truly despise that most people want to feel loved everyday. You will always resent him for his "weakness" as you see it. I feel sorry for him, to be pitied by an avoidant feels horrible, because it feels like the person who is supposed to love you thinks you are weak and detestable for having emotional needs. I hope he leaves you before you discard him.
Wow...thank you...I feel this is my avoidant partner...I always felt she really didn't love me...bit she does deeply.
@@part775I feel the same on this. I can feel my avoidant partner's love when it's there, and it's very real.
but that doesn't stop them from running the detachment/reattachment cycle over and over again.
@@Jeremyourenemy I guess it’s a matter of respecting that people feel things differently. I feel my partner’s love even tho he doesn’t need to say it or prove it everyday.
We are understanding each other’s traits and working together to meet each other’s needs.
Demanding someone’s reassurance 24/7 is draining.
Everyone likes to feel loved everyday, you’re right, but when you give the other person the full time job of proving and reassuring you all the time, I regret to say it’s codependency.
You might be an energy vampire.
X
You are speaking to me!
I'm married to an avoidant woman. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
I divorced after 4 months. It was an arranged marriage. 😏
Wow this is soo reassuring right now😅❤ I am on the right track!
So sad that many of the posts here reflect the misunderstanding and unfair judgement of Avoidants. I mean maybe some Narcissists are Avoidants, but not all Avoidants are narcissistic! Mostly they are damaged people from childhood, or haven’t dealt with the emotional baggage from a bad adult relationship. Personally type; which is innate/God given at birth; has a lot to do with it, as well.
I agree with you 100%. I just started dating an avoidant a few months ago and it is a mixed bag, but very satisfying for me! I have an anxious attachment style, but outside of relationships I am very self confident and self assured. My other is constantly overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings and my honesty. sometimes it bothers me that she feels overwhelmed and other times it really feels like I am in control of the relationship. It doesn't matter to me so much what she says, I can tell she craves being around me. In the moments when things are too much for me, I pull back and she can see that there is literally a danger of me leaving her... she is strong enough to then ask me to stay. To be honest, this relationship is kind of interesting... what is your understanding of what I'm seeing, if you don't mind?
@@pedroariza7892 It sounds familiar…Lol… to a certain extent. You are male (I assume)… I’m female. You are an Anxious. I’m an Avoidant; but, a “healthy” one… and, also an experienced (life) one, at almost 59. Of course the personalities of all involved are extremely important; I think more so than “attachment style”. Also, my guy and I are both “Believers”, and I think that has a lot to do with it all as well! Compatibility is really the key!
As for your description of your current relationship… with you being the guy, frankly, I think that it’s more often the men who leave relationships (that’s been the experience of all of the women I’ve known, and some of my own, however…), but as the Avoidant, I was the one who left many of my relationships, when I was younger; basically, back then, being insecure and less healthy, I left them before they could leave me (and one, who was “the love of my life”; looking back now; I found out, years later, would not have left; rather, he actually wanted to marry me). As an Avoidant, I undermined/sabotaged myself quite often; in a lot of areas in my life. Point is… I wouldn’t be so sure that your Avoidant won’t walk away from you one day; I wouldn’t “test” that with her. You mentioned feeling that you are in “control”… no one person should be in “control” of the other person, or the relationship. You also mentioned “pulling away”, which causes a response in her to chase you (which seems to be reassuring and gratifying to you, as an Anxious). *Just don’t “USE” that as a “tactic”… that is called manipulation.* Neither of you should be playing these “games”. It’s not healthy… or fair to the other person. Much better to have an honest, vulnerable, calm and clear, non-threatening conversation/discussion. She MAY not be very responsive in the moment, or all that talkative, but she will hear you, and it will make a difference. You’ll need to gently revisit the topic, at a later date, if you don’t get any feedback at the time, nor see any eventual “action” on her part. My guy is also an Avoidant, like me; tough a less emotionally healthy one… not a “sharer”. Often when I express some “frustrations” in our relationship, he will not respond, at all, verbally… he just takes it all in; I can “see” him processing/accessing. What DOES happen, however, is that he will “adjust” his former “actions” to be more accommodating to my expressed concerns/wishes. He doesn’t talk, but he acts! And, that is huge. He is demonstrating how much he cares about me, and that he wants to make me happy, and continue the relationship. (It’s possibly that you and I are saying the same things, just in slightly different ways. Lol)
Relationships take a lot of work, some more than others. (It also matters WHY the two of you are together; Is it just for “fun”, or are you BOTH looking for a committed, long/term relationship??)
All these things matter.
Hope something in the above 👆helps! (Look into “Love Languages”, as well! 👍🏼)
Best wishes!
He had a ton of female friends that would come to him to vent..I don't want that !!! I'm struggling with was a right or wrong. He is definitely a DA and would shut down emotionally very often and I have had some counseling and was trying to deal with it. But I can't deal with that and other women always contacting him 😭
Best advice for dealing with avoidnant..!
Here is how you have a relationship when with an avoidant…break up with them and find someone who is secure.
LOL 😂
Best to love them is to leave them alone.
I feel like therapists encourage people to navigate relationships with avoidants because it means thousands of dollars of therapy money in their pockets. Run, don't walk, away from severe avoidants. They will always break your heart.
If you choose to jump of that cliff that is.
You can fully ( allow yourself to) LOVE an avoidant person, but keep in mind that the reality of a relationship is different then easy, healthy and ideal.
But real love starts with friendship and true loyalty anyway, so ...
It can work, is what I mean to say, but it is not easy, takes a lot of time.
Someone said Love is the highest form of friendship.
🧡
Sounds like you speak from having been there and have valuable insight
@@stevealexander2649
Thank you,
if you have any questions,
feel free to ask.
✨🙏🏵️
@@Liza-Loves-Youit's an interesting insight.
I'm not quite sure my avoidant has the same understanding of friendship that I have (so that basically raises up the question if I should concider friendship instead of whatever I'd like it to be).
My criteria for the friendship is pretty simple: be able to help and support when needed (once I had a awakening experience in hospital, realizing that most people of my contact list would name a dosen of reasons of why whey can't give me a ride home).
I feel like "friendship" term for the avoidants is basically hanging out and not helping out.
thanks... i'm an avoidant and if it wasn't for my boyfriend i would've never been able to feel true love
remember that everyone is just a person as you're yourself and if smn hurt you one day that is lamentable i'm really sorry yet i don't think anyone should impose their experiences on others roughly generalizing them
What if I've tried a few dozen different hobbies, and I just don't enjoy or see value in anything other than a high-quality romantic relationship?
And honestly i also don't want my partner to love me because i have my own hobbies so we spend as little time together as possible. I want my partner to want to spend as MUCH time together as possible, and i want his universe to revolve around me. I just truly don't understand how a relationship can be worthwhile without it. Without it, it feels transactional.
And just to be clear, I'm not saying i need or even want to actually spend a ton of time together. I just want a partner who craves being with me. How much time we actually spend together doesn't matter.
I also WANT a partner who i can rely on for validation. Otherwise, what's the point of having a partner? I want more than merely materialistic comforts.
Well... you definitely know what you want. And (what you're describing as your want) isn't ANY personality type that has any tendency to these traits she's discussing. Many of which are pretty darned healthy attitudes (in the video).
Nobody can be everybody's cup of tea.
Just print out your statement here, & show it to people who make it past the 1st date. 😉
That will weed them out for you. 🫣
TBH, They would be miserable with the personality & attachment type you are describing (as desirable to you).
@spiky I am right along with you 100%
Has it gotten any better?
This sounds like a desire for codependency and enmeshment. These are not things that are considered healthy for a relationship. These things can lead to instability and probably fuel an anxious attachment style.
Can a dog exhibit signs of DA or FA behavior ?
Yes, after trauma
So as an anxious type is good for me to also in a way control my emotional intensity. Also I shouldn't step back and give her all the space she needs. Be more relax don't seek constant validation be relaxed , focus on you get. Comftable with silence when you are together and just do your hobbies?
As an avoidant, thank you.
You are incredible
We've been talking consistently for 7 years. His dad died 2 months ago. After the wake of his dad last week, he started becoming distant and asked for space. I'm scared that if I give him space he would slowly drift away and leave me.
Y'all he's making me want to leave him. It's too much work and walking on eggshells 😊
She says eggshell walking is what perpetuates it. Your supposed to just be emotional apparently 🤷🏻♀️
Do it for me lol. I still can't
Real talk.
I clearly have avoidant attachment disorder with MDD, SAD, and PTSD. I have no want for anything. I have no need for anything. I am lesser in everything, therefore I am nothing. My kids don't like me, my wife is getting to the point of hating me. I get no alone time, I am not allowed to have a hobby, I fake happy moments. I am in a corner or forced to be outside cooking for people's parties. I do not celebrate my birthday, father's day or anything remotely to do with me, I don't care for it. People do not understand why I am not worth the time or effort. I don't need or want validation, I don't like or love myself, why anyone wants to like or love me does not equate in my brain.
Have you always been this way? Have you seen a therapist??
@wareaves1 I wasn't always like this, I knew I was screwed up even as a kid, I tried to stay out of that darkness. Over the last 15 years it's been a steady decline since my second brain injury. I have been in therapy for years, now on my 20th one. Most common question I get asked and the killing point for me quitting is "why haven't you stopped breathing yet?" Since libtard biase won't let me use the exact wording, but you catch my drift with committing the s-word. Currently having to stop therapy this time because he can't understand the war and military service stuff.
hang on man, sounds like you have been through a lot. I believe you are on the right path and the place where you have to be is right now. I pray for you
@@huha123you are loved appreciated and worthy ❤ hang in there because deep inside you are a beautiful soul who is misunderstood and ignored.
@LianaS-i6p no, I am ugly inside and out. I completely hate what I am, I should never have survived my 2 attempted murders by my mother and stepmother. They knew what I was, even all those years ago.
Game changer
There needs to be more videos calling out avoidants for what and who they actually are and should emphasize the need for them to get help instead of always making videos about how everyone should adapt to avoidants.
Excellent Comment. I agree, it is supposed to be a "Team Effort" both parties should be involved in this process of "Mutual Healing"
@@alsalazar6502 I concur!
Yes
I wish i knew this 3 years ago 😔
'Sometimes', shy away from directness. Cute.
My avoidant ex literally said many times, "This is new to me".
After the breakup, he shared that, that Some how... Meant "I'm uncomfortable". Seriously, wtf?
I am confused: at the beginning of the video you described, which partner the avoidant is looking for and in the second part - what one should do to become this ideal partner. But I am that already, that is the reason why we are together for 14 years. So there is nothing to change in me or my behaviour, but still, every time I openly try to address a problem and speak about it, my husband just shuts down. Now, that we have a child it’s just a burden for my to carry all that luggage alone, I have neither time nor forces to be working on myself additionally, especially because I don’t understand why I should change, and not him. He had traumatic childhood, so he should be healing his problems.
I subscribed
How much time does it take to develop a secure attachment style if you are anxious?
It can be super quick ! 😊
A coupla years is realistic. But you need to do it outside of a relationship first before getting into one.
@@cetoniaaurata5176?
@@stephensegal5187 I disagree, it's in relationship that you can work on yourself. Triggers will help. You can go to a therapist as well, to get exercises to practice in the relationship. The most important is to be aware. Going into a relationship when you are not aware of you problems is not fair for the partner.
Best way - from a great distance.
From the next room 😂