Someone I just decided to leave was an avoidant. I didn’t recognize it at first, but now I see it rather clearly. I didn’t understand his behavior because he came across rather sporadic, but almost every sign in this video was in alignment with what happened in our relationship. He talks about me to his family all the time. He also has done a lot for me in terms of getting things for me that I need. I loved this person, but his attachment style was not one that I could really deal with. I still love him a lot, but he made me feel way too rejected at times to feel emotionally safe. I know it wasn’t his intention, but eventually I began not to trust him at all. Thank you for this though, it bought me a level of clarity I really needed ❤
1. Start to initiate contact 2. Consistent time together 3. Opening up 4. Inclusion in their life (meet friends/invite over) 5. Thoughtful gestures 6. Respecting boundaries 7. Practical help over emotional support 8. Creating distance after intimacy I think I might be the avoidant🫠
Not understanding an avoidant person, while being in a relationship with them, is pure hell. I wish I had known a lot of this, when I first met my very present, amazing, but long-term avoidant partner.
understanding them doesn't change the fact, being in a relationship with an avoidant is hell period because they are abusive emotionally and psychologically by nature.
I've got one of those. And we're older so we've been through a lot with relationships in the past. We're just friends now because we know enough to know each other's value and how we wouldn't want to just toy with each other. So we've just decided to be there for each other as friends and it's working. In my 20s I wouldn't have been able to handle that but now, eh. Whatever life brings it brings. He shows up in better ways as a friend than the man I married and divorced ever did. He's a wonderful, sensitive soul and I just have to respect where he is and be glad I have a good friend. I'm probably an avoidant now too, probably always was, but patience, respect, and keeping focus on your own life, and not taking things personally, is the best advice I could offer when dealing with avoidants. They probably became an avoidant for a darn good reason.
Thankyou, 35 years married & it’s almost over but this helps me see a possible path but I’m burnt out & not sure I can handle the loneliness of not having closeness with someone any more 😮
He's doing all but letting me in his inner world of friends and family, but it's been a very long journey. Initially, he was all of these things the first 6 months, and then we fell apart. It was a very intense start. Through the years, we stayed in contact, but he moved into his avoidant side, and I moved into fearful avoidant tendencies. Two in a half years ago, we reconnected more lovingly as friends who openly admit we love each other. By this time, I had already started attachment work, and I always listened carefully to your videos, and with time , we started showing more secure behavior and the connection is so much more loving, safe, trusting, positive, and fun. We are not in a committed relationship, and he's leaning more towards having separate homes (we are both in our 50s). I would like to have more, but I do see the positive of having separate homes. I'm hoping that with our path towards more security, we will negotiate something closer, but I accept that this is where we are right now, and I do finally believe and SEE his love now.
I had an old mentor once told me the definition of love. It’s not a feeling it’s an action word. It’s three words, acceptance, service and respect. I’ve never forgot this. A lot of the times I have a hard time finding people to connect with and also at the same time, I do have some avoidance Problems it is what it is. Oh well.
I lost my person. I didn't have a clue about attachment styles until I was ghosted and started doing some research. I found myself to have anxious attachment, and they have dismissive avoidant attachment. My heart is completely broken, and I have been in no contact since the end of May. I asked one question, and they took that question and twisted it into something I never even verbalized. They never answered the question and told me I had them completely f#@$ked up the next day. Then told me that I was never going to change and they were never going to change, and I was ghosted. I did everything to show them that I was there for them in every way possible and got sh#tied on. I don't ever want to experience this kind of coldness or heartache ever again. The whole thing didn't make any sense to me. I am working on my anxious attachment, so hopefully, next time, I can have a healthy relationship with someone, but that will be a long ways down the road, because it's going to take me a good while to heal from this. I have never felt pain like this ever before in my life with any of my other relationship's. At this point, if I ever run across this type of attachment style, I am going to run...it's too much, and the coldness is indescribable. I really trusted this person, and getting ghosted was the outcome. Ghosting to me is very immature and childish.
When in my “secure self” this makes perfect sense yet it isn’t the natural self. Breadcrumbs from my “someone” has a masters degree in “push pull”… this always makes me go back to the woodshed to work on myself.
Omg me too. My avoidant made me dig up core wounds I buried. I’m working on them now and wow I enjoy him more and don’t freak out when he does the pull away.
I was wondering why I feel so peaceful, we are broken up but even so, I feel good being able to understand them, whether or not we end up together again.
My boyfriend who decided to taking a break from our relationship still has all the 8 signs but he doesn’t admit he loves me as a partner, he said we are closer friends😂 what kind of close friends regularly spend a whole Saturday together and have a coffee during the week, talk about deep inside, and 2 months after the taking a break even had sex. 😂 watching this video really make me feel more secure.
Well you have to know how to handle them. It’s a push pull in and out with them. Stay detached and willing to move on. They have to know you have many other options.
I ghosted my avoidant partner 2 weeks ago. The emotional roller coaster was just to much for both of us. I went insane about how hurt I felt & he said I’m to exhausted for the back & forth & literally left me hanging. But he loves me. That’s the most confusing part. He has to learn to love me the way I feel it though. It isn’t fair & very one sided. I have a lot to learn for sure for love is patient and kind & long suffering. After I went crazy he texted me the next day repeating he doesn’t want to fight & I didn’t respond & the day after asking me how things are with me & I didn’t respond to that either. I miss him a lot ❤ but I can’t bring myself to continue doing the same things over & over
I feel kind of related. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up three weeks ago, and since then, I have had no contact with her. In our last text messages, we both said for the first time that we love each other, yet she still wanted to part ways. She also wrote that I am a great person and that I deserve only the best, and without me, she wouldn’t know where she stands to this day. I doubt she will ever reach out to me again, and that’s fine. I put so much effort, energy, and emotion into this relationship that I almost completely forgot about myself. Now I’m left with a deep hole in my heart, and I feel empty. But slowly, I’m regaining my passion again, although it will definitely be a long process
@mjc21706 This also teaches us to set boundaries and pay more attention when dating a person. I will not allow myself ever again to be that vulnerable. I wish you all the strength you need to recover
We could make a group chat or community where we can share our sentiments and find comfort in at the same time .. i think we all had share the same EX 😂
You have been a true blessing! Everything you teach on avoidants has resonated with my partner….he does all of these things to express his love. Thank you for giving me peace!
To my DA ex: if you're reading this.. i hated you to some degree for the bad treatment, but i told you no matter how bad you did i still love you to this day.. and I don't wanna cause you any discomfort and distress so I'm setting you free... had i known or digged deeper on your attachment style, i could've handled my reactions towards your style could've been more understanding as a partner. Now we both need to work on ourselves.. i love you
I dont like how everyone in the comment section in every video about bonding types is always picking on the avoidants. It is a bonding type after all. You cant help it right away, you need to learn and understand about your way to react to closeness and everyone that has ever worked on a personal issue knows it is hard and long work. I understand it might be very hurtful for the people around, I dont want to belittle that. But please give eachother time to work on issues rather then just go full rant mode.
Deare Jana, 1. a securely attached person needs little or no therapy, 2. an anxiously attached person (when they realise they have a problem - usually after two or three failed relationships with an avoidant) seek therapy to check their anxiousness - i.e. learning to self sooth, but 3. the avoidant person finds it hard to accept they have a problem so they seldom seek help. This is why avoidants receive little sympathy.
@@peterellicott58I’m an FA here looking for help to become more secure. I know fellow FAs do the same, probably OP. So your comment is inaccurate. And your lack of sympathy for an attachment style we did NOT choose but inevitably have and some of us did try to improve, is probably why you’re here trying to heal from an avoidant.
I’m involved with an avoidant and she’s shown all of these signs at one point. Once things became more serious, she pulled back. I also didn’t know much about attachment styles and communicated in ways that contributed to that too. She’s been reaching out more consistently now and I’ve been trying to contribute my part as well. So far things have been getting better with each week and I’m very appreciative of this video🙂
She doesn't tell me she loves me, but tells me she appreciates me, sends me heart and kissy face emojis, has a nickname for me, and says I'm the only person she feels she can open up to
Yes, their actions when drunk, as the saying goes "a drunk action is a sober thought"( if she is fighting and agitating conflict,) it is the true mindset, because, when they are sober, they'll send the nicest words in messages and emails, because they are playing you. Be on high guard, and protect your heart at all costs. Reality is they will walk away or make life unbearable sooner or later. It is only for a temporary period. Do not give 100%,until _true_ progress is made, this may take years. Most DA's have other great qualities, and beyond the lack of love can be a great friend. DA's are not true fulfilling relationship material unless they want to heal. I am so tired of begging for corrective therapy and healing, so I literally have to downgrade my love, affection and commitment to the 40th percentile to closely match their 30th percentile.
I was in a 10 month relationship with a dismissive avoidant woman that started doing all of these signs of love very quickly with me early on. Even though I am an anxious attachment person, I always behaved in the relationship as a secure attachment person. The entire 10 months was surreal and "too good to be true"! My job was going to move me to another city for a while and when she found out, it was like a bulb burned out! She turned stone cold instantly and I was thrown out like a bag of trash! Now when we see each other in public places, she acts like a total stranger!
As much as I FULLY understand things, it sound a lot of work for anxious. It seems , the anxious has to do most of the work, which I personally already did once, until I got exhausted and realized i was DONE. i mean done done done.
They are a lot of work, I probably should say we are a lot of work. It's very true about the wanting your autonomy one minute and then wanting the connection the next. We probably become avoidants because we know it's exhausting for both parties and we say it's just better to "die alone." :) But then we say, nah that's no good either. Don't know what the answer is but I do know realizing it really is them not you, can bring peace to the mind. At least an avoidant understands the seriousness of a relationship and they avoid it because they really don't want to just treat people like they are disposable the way a narcissist would. Maybe we have become avoidants simply because we've tangled with too many narcissists and don't want to feel that again or do that to others. It probably just all boils down to that in the end.
I’m so sorry for your pain. The emotional crisis life puts you through is horrendous. As an avoidant myself, I can share this: you learn to rely on yourself so much that you just feel frustrated at yourself for not being able to let go and just ask for help. You just lie to yourself and everyone around you about being okay, but inside is this storm of negative-painful-harmful emotions and self-hate. Avoidants are people-pleasers, their words mean nothing, and that's why their words don't match their actions; hours of conversation and then the next day they are a completely different person. They only think about themselves. Healthy relationship becomes impossible. Please, journal your emotions and thoughts, take long walks, watch these videos, and remember it was never about you. Choose Peace. Forgive and release. Maybe even be grateful. He helped activate emotions that your soul no longer wants to carry. He activated them. That's the gift. It's your opportunity to release them. That's the magic. Sometimes, the poison IS the medicine (homeopathy). He helped you to purify you. Life is just a play out of our emotions, and really, a gift... For purification, for release, for ascension.
Gave me closure too even though it was from a relationship years ago. Still helped confirm that we wouldn’t have worked. We both would need to become secure.
I'm so thankful for this video! It SHOWS me what I have been dealing with! I didn't understand prior! This man has hurt me so bad- Broken Heart Syndrome is REAL! One night I felt like I was having Chest Pains but I didn't care! I felt a hole in my heart for 2 days after our break up tears tears
Thank you so much for this video. I am a 66 yr old who has just married the love of my life a very beautiful woman of 45. I was starting to think if she really cared until watching this and now realise she shows every one of these traits. Thanks again.
Wow I'm so glad I found this I have been trying to figure out what was wrong with my boyfriend and why he was so cold at times and wanting to be left alone. Understanding him is a blessing . Now I know it's not me. Now he wants me with him everyday . Thank you for putting this on TH-cam I'm so In love with him now it's going to work out I can now talk to him without him shutting me down thank you so much you saved us
Thank you for the content. Very informative, detailed, accurate and edifying. I can honestly say that my partner displays all 8 forms, so needless to say after not being clear about where she stood I am a lot more confident in her feelings towards me. Very helpful and encouraging!
Who cares? You could be the love of their life, they marry you, and start a family with you, and they will still leave. Then you've got traumatized kids who eventually are emotionally abandoned by their avoidant parent too. When they walk away the first time - let them go and don't ever take them back. They ruin lives.
Well u can create and manifest a beautiful life with them maybe the opposite of it as well, but it all gotta stem from the belief u have inside ur mind space. If u deep down believe and feel, u can manifest a fantastical romance with them and why not do u think it won't be in ur 3d
I wish I knew about this before I broke up with him. He was loving, caring, thoughtful. He'd get cold and distance and the roller coaster confused the heck out of me, fearing it was just love bombing and manipulation. I know now he was just withdrawing and needing space but couldn't express it. I didn't take to heart when he said, "I love you please never forget that." I believe he knew his behavior could be distant and could hard for me. I broke up a week ago and hoping he can forgive me. I've let him know I understand that he needs space (through a text) and I hope to hear from him. Will he reconsider our relationship? Did I totally break trust? He showed in so many ways that he loves me but my fear got the best of me.😢
If you follow your intuition, I hope you know that deep down consciously and subconsciously some thing and you was not being met, a need. I am known someone for the better part of my life, 27 years and counting. They came to me after they had finished two very long-term relationships, three kids between those two relationships and thinking that they were sure of what they wanted. It's beautiful that you got to hear the words, I love you, but these words and the actions behind them need to match. It takes a toll on the more stable person, no matter how patient, empathetic, considerate, you are. I know how difficult it is to sit in the silence, thinking if you're ever gonna hear from them again, if they're going to have their come to moment, if things are going to align, if this is the one because you feel so close and only you bring out a certain part of them. But my mental health got so unbalanced in the constant limbo of maybe Yes, maybeno. I saw this person make other women mothers and how badly I wanted to be one of them. On the same token, I've seen those families fall apart, and I have helped heal him whether directly or indirectly through it all. But you also need healing. You also need reassurance. You also need someone who's gonna wonder if what they do is gonna hurt you and chooses the opposite action because they prefer to show up for you and value you. no one, not a single soul on this planet that is confused in their mind, in their heart, and downstairs when it comes to intimacy, who also is not fully ready to receive can show up bravely for you. Just your profile alone, seems like you're strong person, you are enough. And if they come back, may they come back to you with conviction and change so they can stay and walk this life with you certain, not always leaning with imbalance and uncertainty that is not leadership. And that's not the way that we should love one another.
I feel the same way. I broke up with my avoidant girlfriend of a year because she just didn't seem to reciprocate in the traditional way. After seeing this video, I feel I've made a HUGE mistake in dumping her and the love we had. Don't know what to think now.
Gotta be honest here... As an avoidant person who watches these types of videos to try to understand myself and heal: If a partner said something like "I'm feeling really alone, is there any way we can connect?" or "I'm feeling really lonely right now, are you available for some support?" I would gag and look for the nearest exit. Do *not* put it on an avoidant to figure out how to regulate YOUR emotions. In both of those scenarios, you are telling the avoidant that it's up to them to regulate your emotions AND that they need to figure out how to do that (Seriously, "connect" and "support" can mean a million things, please don't be that vague). If you *really* want to get through, you need to show an avoidant that you can regulate yourself and invite them in when you're feeling secure. It is going to be so much easier for an avoidant to want to spend time with you if they aren't constantly worried you're going to ask them to do emotional labor that they've always been told that they need to handle for themselves. Think of regulating your emotions as tying your shoes. Imagine if you had a partner that asked you to tie their shoes all the time, and you couldn't figure out why they needed the help, because YOU don't have trouble tying your shoes, and your partner doesn't have any obvious disabilities that would stop them from tying their shoes on their own... They just keep asking you to do it. It would get annoying, right? But if your partner consistently showed you that they can tie their own shoes, and suddenly they're asking for help because they broke their finger, you'd be more than happy to step in and help, because you know that they'd do it on their own if they could. And on the flip side of that, if you had a partner who insisted on constantly tying YOUR shoes, you'd probably think it's weird and infantilizing, right? With an avoidant partner, you really need to consider whether you are asking them to do something that they learned is something that everyone has to do for themselves. Avoidance is the result of being taught that it is SHAMEFUL to ask for help or co-regulation, and even if they logically know that securely attached people don't think that way, it can take a LOT of work to get that shameful feeling out of their body.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I understand where you’re coming from, and I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this further. Having been fearful, avoidant myself in the past, I can see your perspective, but want to expand upon it, because it does indicate a certain starting point on the journey. It's important to recognize that everyone, regardless of their attachment style, is at different stages of readiness for change, especially within a committed relationship. In this video, I'm offering a starting point for a conversation. It’s essential to understand that asking for support is not a sign of neediness. When someone requests support, it’s an invitation for their partner to understand and engage with their needs. If an avoidant partner perceives this as emotional dependency, it often reflects their internal narratives and growth journey. In other words, it’s not so bad that you gag. In fact, you probably need to gag, and dive deeper into where the gag comes from. Because that’s where you need to go to open up and loosen up and relax into connection. You shouldn’t have to break a finger before your partner is willing to help you tie your shoes. That is a very cold, an isolated metaphor that you offer here. And my heart goes out to you. You do not have to be suffering or in tremendous pain before you are allowed to ask for help and support. And I would not advise my viewers, to adopt that advice. I have many avoidant clients who are quite capable of responding to such requests. And you mis-quoted the first suggestion. “"I’m feeling really lonely right now. Are you available for some support? I really appreciate it when you...xyz." in this example, you are telling the Avoidant partner very specifically how they have succeeded with you in the past, and adding specificity around what would feel supportive. The second option, “I'm feeling really alone right now, is there any way that we could connect?" is for avoidant partners that would take exception to being “told what to do” and would rather come to their own ideas and conclusions without specific input. The assumption that an avoidant person cannot engage in supportive dialogue is, in itself, a stereotype . Yes, Avoidant individuals often have a closed mental and emotional system when they begin the journey of healing, but part of the gift a partner brings is the invitation to open that system. In any committed relationship, it is both normal and expected to support each other. There’s a significant difference between taking full responsibility for someone else’s emotions and wanting to contribute positively to your partner’s well-being. If your partner is struggling, wouldn’t you want to help them feel better? Similarly, wouldn't you want your partner to care about your feelings and well-being? I would agree with the tying your shoes analogy, to a point, But there is nothing in my example that suggests the person who is asking for support cannot tie their own shoes. And again, they should not have to have a broken finger in order to ask. My suggestions do put some of the onus on the other person in the dialogue to ask for clarity if they need it, and that is intentional. If the idea of contributing to a partner’s emotional state feels uncomfortable, it might be worth reflecting one’s personal growth journey. Creating a safe space for dialogue is crucial in building a supportive and secure relationship. Regarding emotional regulation, co-regulation and auto-regulation are interconnected. What often appears as the avoidant’s capacity to self-regulate is actually a hypersensitivity to emotional stimuli and a rigid coping mechanism. True emotional regulation involves a balance that includes co-regulation. Shutting off external input to maintain internal equilibrium isn't genuine self-regulation; it's a sign of struggle with emotional processing. For a more in-depth discussion on these topics, I recommend watching my video "How To Heal Avoidant Attachment: 4 Crucial Steps" I hope this clarifies my perspective and provides a deeper understanding of how avoidant individuals can engage in supportive relationships. Thank you again for your comment. How To Heal Avoidant Attachment: 4 Crucial Steps th-cam.com/video/UwXAhWPzaBc/w-d-xo.html
It's simply not worth it. To be with an avoidant is way too complicated and heavy. I want an emotionally healthy woman who hasn't been so severely damaged in the past. It's such a blessing to be with a partner who is emotionally secure, healthy, clear and warm with great communication about anything.
I talked to a woman about this I've loved for many years we hook up here and there but whenever I start to feel close she shuts me off, then a year later she comes back. I like to think she just needed me for an ego boost because she has dated in between us hooking up but never went the distance. I'm ready to shut her off
Thank you sooooo much for this amazing and game changer video Briana!❤ Yes I recognize all these signs from my avoidant person😅 Especially number 3. He always opens up and vulnerable to me. And most of the time I just listen actively and let him know and feel that I am always there for him as his safe space and comfort. I just find it cute when he fixed our bed the last time we spend a weekend together. And make tea for me. Small things do really matters!!
Too many of you guys that are more stable in the situation and really want to make it work be careful that you distinguish between an avoidant versus someone who is just not there, maturity, wise or trust wise and confuses, giving moments of intimacy with actually just trying to manipulate the situation so that they can feel loved and cared for. It's brutal, loving someone that you have to feel like you're constantly having to scan. When a partner even a genuinely avoided one really is trying, they will set some sort of insistency. You can see it the way she describes things. But sometimes it might just be a Mama boy never really grew up who hasn't really addressed their hurt feelings who punishes other women for the sins of others, and no matter how beautiful they are and loving their words may seem, no matter how much they want to be a certain version with you, wanting & doing our two different things. Manipulation whether their self-conscious or unconscious about it is still very damaging. Deep inside your gut you know it's not easy to make that boundary to tell them to stop hurting you.
Amen amen. Really resonated with this one. Especially the mama's boy comment, his past hurt with his exes. I'm done trying to analyze him either. Just came here to help myself as i haven't healed as well and it seems like I'm drawn to DAs anyway. It's hard to find SA people nowadays.. so better get working on my healing. This comment validated what i think he really is and you put it in words very accurately for me. 💞
When we first met everything just flowed naturally and we also had so many things in common. She would very often say how beautiful I am and how much she likes me and how much she misses me (long distance relationship, meeting 2-3 times per month on weekends). Then we went on vacation together (1 week) and she stayed at my place for an extra week. She began to get bored very easily and always wanted to do something “what are we doing?”. She expressed her concern about being in a stressful situation and the fact that us being always together is not ideal for her and that she has some trouble coping with that. She also felt sad because she had some situations where she got bored. (I didn’t know about any attachment styles then). She would often hug me, kiss me, sniff me and many more. So basically showing some physical and emotional proximity. Everytime I’d leave her place on Sunday she would text me like 30 minutes later saying how much she misses me or saying “come back”. And then all of a sudden (after 5 months long distance relationship) she began to be very distant by message and wasn’t calling me neither. She stated that she was very stressed out and irritated and that I also irritate her. After telling me she didn’t want us to meet for her birthday I had a very hard time coping with that. I asked her to have a phone call in the evening. She waited at her place until I came back from work and said she didn’t want to have this conversation but that I wanted that. In the end I tried to talk about feelings and she blocked or dodged those subjects. She also came up with a lot of excuses and said that we didn’t laugh together anymore and that this isn’t normal. She explained every reason for which our relationship could not work. At the same time she clearly showed signs that she didn’t want to end the relationship neither… very contradictory imo. I told her that maybe the best would be to stop there. She never acknowledged nor said that it was over. She just said I’ll hang up. I talked about the stuff we both still have at each others place and she somehow wanted to keep my favorite sweater. Does this mean that she wants to keep thinking about me? After that 1 week passed and then I only sent her a neutral message for her birthday. Never got a reply since then (10 days). I really want to contact her but as she is DA I really shouldn’t. Side note: I will meet her (work related and there will be other people) in 2,5 weeks. So I’m wondering how she will react when seeing me again in person after 1 month of going silent/breakup. I’m only imagining that during this time period she could maybe get with another dude or that she will go into a lot of casual seggs to cope with her issues. This makes me feel bad… What do you think about all of this?
Just wondering if it was a mistake to breakup or not. I somehow have the feeling that she probably has been able to show more love than the majority of DAs (reading a lot of comments and descriptions). She would often sleep on me with arm and leg wrapped around me. Even after starting to be distant we still got very intimate and even had seggs multiple times in a day. It seemed, to me, very genuine and that there is some real emotion and that this wasn’t only causal seggs. During last phone call she said that everytime she was at my place she didn’t like it but still drove 4-5 hours to see me each time. She also said “I didn’t enjoy my summer vacation and I’m not happy with my actual situation”. What does this all mean? Sometimes things she does are contrary of DA but often it’s on spot with DA behavior. She also could get jealous or worry if I came home safely after a long drive. She also said to me once that she was really upset when I ghosted her for some hours.
I think your partner maybe has avoidant and anxious attachment. That could be happened as well Mine was avoidant person. But in the first 5 monts he acts like anxious person. Cried and always worried when I didnt text him back. And the suddenly months later he felt bored etc and broke up because he said I dont have hobby. Almost a year later he came back and said he wants to marry me. And then after a month he gave up and ask me to leave him. Now we talk again like a couple but without any status. I also dont know what i was doing. Everyone ask me to run from him. All I can say is you might be suffer for years but if you're still willing to do it then go ahead, otherwise look for someone new who's healthier🥰
I see all of the signs listed, except recently they stop initiating consistent time together 😖 it’s been 8 weeks of no quality time together. Prior to that, the time spent together was 4-6 days a week for a span of 5 months. I’m ready to walk away
Approach differently is all I can say Also look in the mirror and look at your text messages possibly with a friend (don’t tell the avoidant this) and see if you went wrong from someone else’s point of view or that of a therapist.
@@taylorbee4010 I actually did this already! And everyone in my life agrees that I have done nothing “wrong” and that my avoidant partner is still very much “receptive” and present 🫠 hues I have to wait and see what time brings
Six year relationship and after one big fight and I'm shut out. I'm tired of apologizing and begging for any attention. She was super affectionate and now nothing. Used to cuddle into me, now she gets into bed with clothes on, a clear barrier and still no physical contact. Not even a kiss before bed
I'm an avoidant woman I will tell you what it works for me. If you're tired of apologizing, don't say that to her, instead: 'I'm so sorry for how I acted in our last fight. Can you pls tell me what can I do to make you feel better, because I really dont know. I love you and I miss you and this cold treatment really hurts me. Pls, let's talk this out Then you give her time to process it, if she's like me, she'll come around. When she shuts down don't be reactive. Be proactive. Lots of success 🙌
@@deeeboo- thank you. I appreciate the time you took for that. I did that and now I've come to accept it's on her terms or nothing. I'm working on living my life because it'll most likely be without her
7/8 he scored seven out of eight. He just don’t set aside specific time for us but does everything else. I usually have to initiate us meeting, even if it’s at his place…
Yeah seems like he didn’t love me - I was just a placeholder until things got better for him. He didn’t really show anything and would say in the love bombing stage that he felt close to me. That was a lie 😂 He ghosted and discarded me a few weeks ago. I guess I wasn’t the “one” for them.
This was very helpful. Rrally helps me undrrstand her and her efforts which for an Avoidant are so difficult. She is six for eiight w one partial. This really helped me appreciate My Darlin' though she cannot uet express her affections for me in the ways that i do for her😊😊😊
I think these signs come from any person who is interested, regardless their attachment style. They are not a hidden language and the other party could simply feel it.
Hopefully he wants to open up to you. Unfortunately my husband only reaches out when he wants "something" so just be aware of that possibly and don't let him use you. ❤️
Hi, he finally broke down came back in. After s&x the first time again he was all teared up right after. I later asked if he did indeed and he said yes he wants the best for me and he wasn’t that before. We had plans for him to come over later & he did not but explained why then with promises of following night. Slim communication that day and ended up saying he was too messed up to drive over. I remained calm n try to get him to see how it was hurting me. With him saying I’m thinking too much then later that he loves me, he doesn’t need to be scolded he needs me to save him. I’m trying to decode the save part at the moment. Please help
Words of affirmation work best, but why does he keep making plans and promises then cancel? the issue here is that they'll never see how they've hurt you, even when you try to show them they'll simply discard it. They know they hurt you but they just won't do anything about it, not even an apology. Beware whom you spend your time and effort on.
It should be called player attachment style....no other way around it. They hurt u like hell and never take accountability. That is asshole attachment style pretending to love you only to throw you when they run from commitments and responsibilities and compromise. Its absolutely impossible even if you are a secure person it will never work!!! Even 10 years down the line. I think this is worse than a narcissist. The narcissist you can just leave and forget. The avoidant you can never forget them because its a neverending illusion of love and happiness.
Honestly I think the fact he's looking to be saved is concerning 😬 . It doesn't mean he's a bad person but I think the likelihood that you can "save" him is pretty low. Saving is different than helping
You act like they are able to feel love at all. They have no emotions.. my ex literally had to find guys that graped her violently so she could feel any emotions and confused that with love.. they are broken
That’s a pretty extreme pathology you’re talking about. I’m NOT a professional therapist/ psychologist but that’s likely some extreme PTSD and a fracturing of her personality at a young age by repeated abuse, violence, repetitive rape maybe by a family member… sadly some people come to crave the very things that hurt them the most and have lost the sensitivity to enjoy the aspects of love and affection that less-damaged people desire. I had a girlfriend once that wanted to play out a very violent rape fantasy- not getting into the details but it was above and beyond… i’m not an actor and it was a role i did not want to step into… i didn’t think it was healthy and our relationship was already beset by other irreconcilable differences. I’m perfectly confident that she was eventually able to find a guy for that role but I can guarantee she would have rather never had the childhood experiences that led her to desire that. Anyway, no judgement on anything between consenting adults.. But , anyway.. this video is about certain personality types and some people can be very withdrawn yet still be capable of deeply emotionally - rich lives. Some people however are damaged beyond the capacity to sustain a real relationship and it can be very painful when it takes too long for the other person to recognize that. Everybody is damaged to some degree but it would not be wise to assume that a huge group of people “ have no emotions”… that’s simply not true. At any rate, it turns out in the long run, often, that your bad relationship experiences increase your capacity to appreciate the good ones… otherwise, what are you gonna do?🤷🏻Some people give up on all of it… and sometimes somebody comes along and changes their mind and their Life.✌🏻
He said for the last three months he lied to me we were going to work on things then said it was all a lie . I was destroyed all over again but I don’t believe he was lying.
Wow, he's doing almost all of this. Not 5 yet, but we aren't officially a couple yet. LOTS of #6. #8 yes for a couple days after we've had an intense day together. Very interesting! So everything but #5 so far, now for the next steps of communicating and letting him know he can trust and be safe and STILL get his space and time. I'm GREATLY working on my anxiety and communicating how I feel while saying I know his needs are there too.
Run! It doesn't get better from here...when times get tough and you need to have a deep conversation for the health of you and the relationship they won't be there. No contact is their thing and they do it better than you. Trust, they only care about themselves and will never show you any love. It will even be hard for them to say the word.
How can I ask or suggest anything when he won't even reply or even read any messages, he has had a lot of trauma in his life finds it difficult to trust which I get, but he said was ago he needed to process the fact that he beliethat he met me for a reason we met under unusual circumstances, he claims that he is a Sigma but I strongly believe he's an avoidant of some sort I'm constantly anxious due to my own traumas and this is just adding to it I've not slept properly for wks
We've been together for 3 years, and I am still not allowed to meet his adult children. I've only met two of his barfly friends, and his brother. I very much feel like I'm in a box, separate from the rest of his life. And because I've never met his children, it also means our holidays are separate because he goes and spends holidays with them.
Dump him. He’s waisting your years! You should have already met his kids at least as a drive by or coffee. You need to tell him you want that.or just leave.
I hate to say it but could he be married? 3 years of being together and not meeting his family is beyond weird and trust me you deserve better! I wish I would've gotten out at 3 years now I look at how much time I spent on someone unwilling or unable to meet my needs.
I don’t know Briana. All was good except hearing someone’s feelings. It’s a burden. There’s another to connect with an avoidant without the feelings. Speaking as an avoidant. Ask to hang out with me. Not for me to fix their loneliness.
Sounds like a pretty shallow & empty sort of relationship and way to live, to me. In all honesty. We're humans, after all. Not robots. Having feelings and emotions and wanting to talk about them and share them with your significant other. In the desire to get to know one another on deeper levels, where you're both learning & finding out more about one another. In a reciprocated way. Seems to be the point of being with someone at the end of the day. Especially in regards to anything long-term. Most people would prefer that. To have a deep, well-connected, human relationship, where you both get to know each other very well. In special ways, that makes us feel uniquely bonded to you, more than anyone else. We're mammals, after all. That's the way we're naturally wired. Or supposed to be anyway. Personally, I have zero interest in a partnership that is merely superficial, constantly casual, and ruled by the "let's just avoid all the feelings and serious stuff, and instead simply have endless meaningless small talk". Those don't tend to be successful forms of relationships. If you could even call that a relationship, really. It's more like a selfish, closed off excuse for something simulating an actual relationship. One where it's all about the person who doesn't want to get deep or discuss feelings or anything of actual substance. Instead, likely focusing on irrelevant, empty topics of discussion. Such as career, money, TV shows, political/ social bs. Or whatever else people could possibly choose to focus on. Instead of those things that matter most. That's what it sounds like to me, anyway. I mean, I could be wrong. But it doesn't sound in any way interesting, or like there's a possibility for real or deep connection, or a future with that person. Sounds more like just having a friend to chat about pointless things and gossip with, to me. That's a very one-sided dynamic, that would likely leave the other person feeling unimportant or unfulfilled. And then, what happens if you have some deep or important feeling or problem you'd like to talk about? Then would it matter, or be fair game? And again, if you never wanted or needed to talk about anything like that at all, then it's just not gonna be a very good or close relationship, tbh. Seems doomed to fail in any way I can see. *Maybe I'm reading you and your intent all wrong, though. If so, then I apologize for that.
do you not think that very one sided selfish? Work on healthy communication and not devaluing people for expressing emotions to you or forever act like a fairweather friend. Its quite creepy way to behave around someone youre supposed to be a friend to
Seems like a triggered a few people on here. I think there’s a misunderstanding. I don’t mind hearing feelings. I don’t want to be held responsible for someone telling me why they’re feeling that way. Would like a bit of ownership, responsibility that’s all
I just found out my gf is an avoidant! Fml she's just ditched me for the weekend after I've driven 4.5hours to see her. So now I've got her dog and apartment for 2 days. Oh and I she's got her mates doing drop ins now and then bcoz all of a sudden I can't be trusted?! Like wtf that insults me to the core! I'm ex navy 12 yrs.. Grrr ...anyway she knows sh has me pussy whipped! And I'm anxious af. I'm f#cked pretty much "Love is a battlefield" - pat benatar
Unfortunately lots of women want to get the guy with a lot of sexual effort in the beginning to make their mind glued to her then they become abusive with distance and never go back to give their best, giving only breadcrumbs, leave man, be careful. You deserve a balanced relationship, you dealt with a lot already.
I want to know if my bf is an avoidant or a covert narcissist. We are in LDR for almost 7 years. He could be consistent for 5 days then suddenly he just disappears for 24 hrs without notice.
Hello, if I may, I’d like to share to you my experience. I am also in a LDR, and yes, it’s common for them to take a day to recharge, me too, All of us should listen to ourselves, reflect on our things as part of our healing process from our attachments. It’s ok, I am on the other side towards a secure attachment and I now see both sides. It can be very overwhelming having to feel like a must check in every day. People say “it doesn’t take long to send a text, if they care they. Will” well, it doesn’t apply to all situations. People mostly won’t be ok with just one text, and will reply and expect another reply all through the day, and it can feel like engulfment. It’s awesome to have space and miss you and have things to talk about the following day. People who have not healed will let their insecurities blow up and right away assume they are doing something shady and it’s not the case. We are just simply taking some hours for ourselves and there is nothing wrong with that. We are not the ones to fill people’s voids or traumas, I know my partner is doing the stuff he loves and I use that time to also do the things I love for me and also need to do. I have also learned not to let people in your relationship because they will start instilling doubts and telling you he or she is cheating blah blah blah. Seven years is quite a time, I now feel that marriage is a lockdown, people will start to question and butt in why you haven’t gotten married. I now understand my partner for we have seen how people just assume that signing away that’s it, he’s mine she’s mine , and steer away for making any effort and find yourself stuck and unhappy. Every situation is different, not everyone understands the types of attachments, they run under a dogma or paradigm of what in society is expected, grow get married have kids that’s it, but then why are so many divorces? Because there is much more than that. If you learn to understand your partners language and way to show you love, then you have something there, despite of what people say. Hope it helps✨☺️blessings
@@TheBluemorpho2010also LDR here with a guy who is very independent and secretive. He will send pictures of his food, a sunflower, and then nothing about his whereaboust or with who.. i, ( anxious ) find this very hard. I also love my own time but i do give him a short update. Also he could send pictures' wish you were here' but never invite me over there. The secrecy and lack of communication is very triggering. I feel lost.
@@TheBluemorpho2010 You have completely rationalized the plank you are walking out on, you must be besotted. If this partner of yours is an avoidant then don't get attached, the clock is running. It doesn't matter how much you accommodate, there is no happy ending. EVER. Keep lowering your expectations as well, it lessens the impact of the emotional clobbering you will invariably face. Thoughts and prayers.
@@michellebeaver4809 You sound jaded. Most of these videos are made by accredited professionals with a great deal of experience and they seem to agree avoidants can become more secure with work. Your catch all don't ever get attached there is no happy ending ever is absurd.
Mine said it but it was in the midst of the deed, she said it 3 times, one after the other. Then she retreated. I don't get it. I didn't say anything because frankly I didn't know if she meant it or not, had an ex say it during the same deed, and well turns out she was not in love with me. Anyone any ideas?
@@jimmyjames2797 withholding affection is completely separate from being mean and hateful. It could mean just treating your partner like a roommate or not texting them back as a quickly as they’d like. It’s shitty behavior, but not inherently abusive.
@@JuliaMarieH it absolutely is abusive. Avoidant is NOT an attachment style, it is a detachment disorder as in mental health disorder. Treating your partner like a roommate is not love. Avoidants are not capable of a healthy relationship because they believe their abuse is not abuse. They are emotionally and often physically withdrawn and definitive of emotional as well as psychological abuse.
They wont tell you "they love you" because they dont. They arent capable of love and dont even know what it is. The only time they'll even show up in the relationship is when your bags are packed and you're out the door.... if that. And if the avoidant is a woman its FAR WORSE!!! Because now they think they're right all the time and you cant tell them anything. 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️
In hindsight, I wish I'd known in ALL of my relationship experience about avoidant types. They really do not care about your thoughts or feelings sometimes. They will make travel plans without you and not even think about you, stating that it's not your decision or choice. Sure, but it would have been great to know you planned on meeting your new housemate in Italy for a week, before you planned and offered to meet them, while I have to work. Even with all this information, if someone doesn't truly love you, or sees you more as a close friend (friendlationship) and cannot invest or is not in as deeply as you are emotionally (equality of emotion and a relationship with the same goals, such as being open to something longer term (maybe not a commitment, but at least being *open* to it)) etc.
@@naiyalexic I posted that comment two weeks ago and got dumped (ghosted completely) one week ago. So, yeah, he doesn’t love me. Doesn’t respect me. I doubt he likes or loves or respects himself much. 17 months and he wouldn’t even call me to follow up on our 4 hour confusing conversation about US. I am guessing he’s done and I know I need to be. 🫤 😢
Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your experience. You might find this video helpful: Why I LOVE YOU is a Trigger For Avoidant Attachment th-cam.com/video/Q7AkSrNTlD8/w-d-xo.html
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Someone I just decided to leave was an avoidant. I didn’t recognize it at first, but now I see it rather clearly. I didn’t understand his behavior because he came across rather sporadic, but almost every sign in this video was in alignment with what happened in our relationship. He talks about me to his family all the time. He also has done a lot for me in terms of getting things for me that I need. I loved this person, but his attachment style was not one that I could really deal with. I still love him a lot, but he made me feel way too rejected at times to feel emotionally safe. I know it wasn’t his intention, but eventually I began not to trust him at all. Thank you for this though, it bought me a level of clarity I really needed ❤
Hi, I'm in the exact same situation. Would it be possible to DM you?
1. Start to initiate contact
2. Consistent time together
3. Opening up
4. Inclusion in their life (meet friends/invite over)
5. Thoughtful gestures
6. Respecting boundaries
7. Practical help over emotional support
8. Creating distance after intimacy
I think I might be the avoidant🫠
Not understanding an avoidant person, while being in a relationship with them, is pure hell. I wish I had known a lot of this, when I first met my very present, amazing, but long-term avoidant partner.
What change in your relationship till now? Are your partner change his ability to be stable?
understanding them doesn't change the fact, being in a relationship with an avoidant is hell period because they are abusive emotionally and psychologically by nature.
I've got one of those. And we're older so we've been through a lot with relationships in the past. We're just friends now because we know enough to know each other's value and how we wouldn't want to just toy with each other. So we've just decided to be there for each other as friends and it's working. In my 20s I wouldn't have been able to handle that but now, eh. Whatever life brings it brings. He shows up in better ways as a friend than the man I married and divorced ever did. He's a wonderful, sensitive soul and I just have to respect where he is and be glad I have a good friend. I'm probably an avoidant now too, probably always was, but patience, respect, and keeping focus on your own life, and not taking things personally, is the best advice I could offer when dealing with avoidants. They probably became an avoidant for a darn good reason.
Thankyou, 35 years married & it’s almost over but this helps me see a possible path but I’m burnt out & not sure I can handle the loneliness of not having closeness with someone any more 😮
He's doing all but letting me in his inner world of friends and family, but it's been a very long journey. Initially, he was all of these things the first 6 months, and then we fell apart. It was a very intense start. Through the years, we stayed in contact, but he moved into his avoidant side, and I moved into fearful avoidant tendencies. Two in a half years ago, we reconnected more lovingly as friends who openly admit we love each other. By this time, I had already started attachment work, and I always listened carefully to your videos, and with time , we started showing more secure behavior and the connection is so much more loving, safe, trusting, positive, and fun. We are not in a committed relationship, and he's leaning more towards having separate homes (we are both in our 50s). I would like to have more, but I do see the positive of having separate homes. I'm hoping that with our path towards more security, we will negotiate something closer, but I accept that this is where we are right now, and I do finally believe and SEE his love now.
I had an old mentor once told me the definition of love. It’s not a feeling it’s an action word. It’s three words, acceptance, service and respect. I’ve never forgot this. A lot of the times I have a hard time finding people to connect with and also at the same time, I do have some avoidance Problems it is what it is. Oh well.
All these 8 signs are signs of acquittance like cat on the walk . Very High risk with very low benefit situation
I lost my person. I didn't have a clue about attachment styles until I was ghosted and started doing some research. I found myself to have anxious attachment, and they have dismissive avoidant attachment. My heart is completely broken, and I have been in no contact since the end of May. I asked one question, and they took that question and twisted it into something I never even verbalized. They never answered the question and told me I had them completely f#@$ked up the next day. Then told me that I was never going to change and they were never going to change, and I was ghosted. I did everything to show them that I was there for them in every way possible and got sh#tied on. I don't ever want to experience this kind of coldness or heartache ever again. The whole thing didn't make any sense to me. I am working on my anxious attachment, so hopefully, next time, I can have a healthy relationship with someone, but that will be a long ways down the road, because it's going to take me a good while to heal from this. I have never felt pain like this ever before in my life with any of my other relationship's. At this point, if I ever run across this type of attachment style, I am going to run...it's too much, and the coldness is indescribable. I really trusted this person, and getting ghosted was the outcome. Ghosting to me is very immature and childish.
I'm sorry you had to go through that but if they ghosted you consider yourself lucky and move on.
When in my “secure self” this makes perfect sense yet it isn’t the natural self. Breadcrumbs from my “someone” has a masters degree in “push pull”… this always makes me go back to the woodshed to work on myself.
Omg me too. My avoidant made me dig up core wounds I buried. I’m working on them now and wow I enjoy him more and don’t freak out when he does the pull away.
Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your personal experience.
I was wondering why I feel so peaceful, we are broken up but even so, I feel good being able to understand them, whether or not we end up together again.
Guys now that you are still in the beginning phase. run😂
😂
Tell me more 😭
My boyfriend who decided to taking a break from our relationship still has all the 8 signs but he doesn’t admit he loves me as a partner, he said we are closer friends😂 what kind of close friends regularly spend a whole Saturday together and have a coffee during the week, talk about deep inside, and 2 months after the taking a break even had sex. 😂 watching this video really make me feel more secure.
Well you have to know how to handle them. It’s a push pull in and out with them. Stay detached and willing to move on. They have to know you have many other options.
I ghosted my avoidant partner 2 weeks ago. The emotional roller coaster was just to much for both of us. I went insane about how hurt I felt & he said I’m to exhausted for the back & forth & literally left me hanging. But he loves me. That’s the most confusing part. He has to learn to love me the way I feel it though. It isn’t fair & very one sided. I have a lot to learn for sure for love is patient and kind & long suffering.
After I went crazy he texted me the next day repeating he doesn’t want to fight & I didn’t respond & the day after asking me how things are with me & I didn’t respond to that either. I miss him a lot ❤ but I can’t bring myself to continue doing the same things over & over
I feel kind of related. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up three weeks ago, and since then, I have had no contact with her. In our last text messages, we both said for the first time that we love each other, yet she still wanted to part ways. She also wrote that I am a great person and that I deserve only the best, and without me, she wouldn’t know where she stands to this day. I doubt she will ever reach out to me again, and that’s fine. I put so much effort, energy, and emotion into this relationship that I almost completely forgot about myself. Now I’m left with a deep hole in my heart, and I feel empty. But slowly, I’m regaining my passion again, although it will definitely be a long process
🏃🏽♂️ did it and tried it for years and nothing changes
@mjc21706 This also teaches us to set boundaries and pay more attention when dating a person. I will not allow myself ever again to be that vulnerable. I wish you all the strength you need to recover
We could make a group chat or community where we can share our sentiments and find comfort in at the same time .. i think we all had share the same EX 😂
You have been a true blessing! Everything you teach on avoidants has resonated with my partner….he does all of these things to express his love. Thank you for giving me peace!
This is the best video on this subject that I have seen. Thank you
To my DA ex: if you're reading this.. i hated you to some degree for the bad treatment, but i told you no matter how bad you did i still love you to this day.. and I don't wanna cause you any discomfort and distress so I'm setting you free... had i known or digged deeper on your attachment style, i could've handled my reactions towards your style could've been more understanding as a partner. Now we both need to work on ourselves.. i love you
I dont like how everyone in the comment section in every video about bonding types is always picking on the avoidants. It is a bonding type after all. You cant help it right away, you need to learn and understand about your way to react to closeness and everyone that has ever worked on a personal issue knows it is hard and long work. I understand it might be very hurtful for the people around, I dont want to belittle that. But please give eachother time to work on issues rather then just go full rant mode.
It's because they're horrible 🤷♀️ sorry, but that's just true
Deare Jana,
1. a securely attached person needs little or no therapy,
2. an anxiously attached person (when they realise they have a problem - usually after two or three failed relationships with an avoidant) seek therapy to check their anxiousness - i.e. learning to self sooth, but
3. the avoidant person finds it hard to accept they have a problem so they seldom seek help.
This is why avoidants receive little sympathy.
Thanks for sticking up for us!
@@peterellicott58I’m an FA here looking for help to become more secure. I know fellow FAs do the same, probably OP.
So your comment is inaccurate. And your lack of sympathy for an attachment style we did NOT choose but inevitably have and some of us did try to improve, is probably why you’re here trying to heal from an avoidant.
Get help!
I’m involved with an avoidant and she’s shown all of these signs at one point. Once things became more serious, she pulled back. I also didn’t know much about attachment styles and communicated in ways that contributed to that too. She’s been reaching out more consistently now and I’ve been trying to contribute my part as well. So far things have been getting better with each week and I’m very appreciative of this video🙂
Dude keep it going.....but don't be afraid to sit down with her and remind her of her condition and see if you both are on the same level...good luck
Just wait for them to discard you. Lol, that means you were actually loving and their walls started to come down and they go NOPE. Bye.
She doesn't tell me she loves me, but tells me she appreciates me, sends me heart and kissy face emojis, has a nickname for me, and says I'm the only person she feels she can open up to
definitely pays to make the focus of attention on actions more than words with this type of relationship.
@@r3v0lv3rz spot on,
Their words dont match their actions, they are people pleasers
You cant trust their words, they just tell you what you want to hear,
They are people pleasers.
Yes, their actions when drunk, as the saying goes "a drunk action is a sober thought"( if she is fighting and agitating conflict,) it is the true mindset, because, when they are sober, they'll send the nicest words in messages and emails, because they are playing you. Be on high guard, and protect your heart at all costs. Reality is they will walk away or make life unbearable sooner or later. It is only for a temporary period. Do not give 100%,until _true_ progress is made, this may take years. Most DA's have other great qualities, and beyond the lack of love can be a great friend. DA's are not true fulfilling relationship material unless they want to heal. I am so tired of begging for corrective therapy and healing, so I literally have to downgrade my love, affection and commitment to the 40th percentile to closely match their 30th percentile.
@@philipramsden4975 Your in the friendzone
This is fascinating and makes me confused as an autistic person. So much overlap!
Out of the 8 signs she loved me, I got 4.5 which was what I felt in my heart.
She was always half in, half out.
He got 8/8. I am anxious. It’s been very bumpy. I feel it’s worth not giving up on it.
I was in a 10 month relationship with a dismissive avoidant woman that started doing all of these signs of love very quickly with me early on. Even though I am an anxious attachment person, I always behaved in the relationship as a secure attachment person. The entire 10 months was surreal and "too good to be true"! My job was going to move me to another city for a while and when she found out, it was like a bulb burned out! She turned stone cold instantly and I was thrown out like a bag of trash! Now when we see each other in public places, she acts like a total stranger!
I have no time for avoidant people.
As much as I FULLY understand things, it sound a lot of work for anxious. It seems , the anxious has to do most of the work, which I personally already did once, until I got exhausted and realized i was DONE. i mean done done done.
They are a lot of work, I probably should say we are a lot of work. It's very true about the wanting your autonomy one minute and then wanting the connection the next. We probably become avoidants because we know it's exhausting for both parties and we say it's just better to "die alone." :) But then we say, nah that's no good either. Don't know what the answer is but I do know realizing it really is them not you, can bring peace to the mind. At least an avoidant understands the seriousness of a relationship and they avoid it because they really don't want to just treat people like they are disposable the way a narcissist would. Maybe we have become avoidants simply because we've tangled with too many narcissists and don't want to feel that again or do that to others. It probably just all boils down to that in the end.
I’m so sorry for your pain.
The emotional crisis life puts you through is horrendous.
As an avoidant myself, I can share this:
you learn to rely on yourself so much
that you just feel frustrated at yourself
for not being able to let go and just ask for help.
You just lie to yourself and everyone around you
about being okay,
but inside is this storm of negative-painful-harmful emotions
and self-hate.
Avoidants are people-pleasers,
their words mean nothing,
and that's why their words don't match their actions;
hours of conversation and then the next day they are a completely different person.
They only think about themselves.
Healthy relationship
becomes impossible.
Please, journal your emotions and thoughts, take long walks, watch these videos,
and remember it was never about you.
Choose Peace.
Forgive and release.
Maybe even be grateful.
He helped activate emotions that your soul no longer wants to carry.
He activated them. That's the gift.
It's your opportunity to release them. That's the magic.
Sometimes,
the poison IS the medicine (homeopathy).
He helped you to purify you.
Life is just a play out of our emotions, and really, a gift...
For purification,
for release,
for ascension.
the only way an avoidant can have a healthy relationship is to stop being an avoidant
You are infinitely knowledgeable and infinitely articulate. Thank you
BRILLIANT!!
You just saved a marriage♡
This video is very enlighting I have the closure I needed. Wish I watched this 6 years ago.
Gave me closure too even though it was from a relationship years ago. Still helped confirm that we wouldn’t have worked. We both would need to become secure.
6 years ago you wouldn’t have understand this video in the way you did this time… remember, everything happens in its time
Wow! I didn't really believe it until now! I have never felt so incredibly loved. Thank you so much! This explains so much about my wonderful partner.
Thank you. Very well done. I rewarched it and made notes for application as to loving my gal😊
I'm so thankful for this video! It SHOWS me what I have been dealing with! I didn't understand prior! This man has hurt me so bad- Broken Heart Syndrome is REAL! One night I felt like I was having Chest Pains but I didn't care! I felt a hole in my heart for 2 days after our break up tears tears
Thank you so much for this video. I am a 66 yr old who has just married the love of my life a very beautiful woman of 45. I was starting to think if she really cared until watching this and now realise she shows every one of these traits. Thanks again.
Wow I'm so glad I found this I have been trying to figure out what was wrong with my boyfriend and why he was so cold at times and wanting to be left alone. Understanding him is a blessing . Now I know it's not me. Now he wants me with him everyday . Thank you for putting this on TH-cam I'm so In love with him now it's going to work out I can now talk to him without him shutting me down thank you so much you saved us
Happy for you both
Thank you for the content. Very informative, detailed, accurate and edifying. I can honestly say that my partner displays all 8 forms, so needless to say after not being clear about where she stood I am a lot more confident in her feelings towards me. Very helpful and encouraging!
Thanks for sharing!
Who cares? You could be the love of their life, they marry you, and start a family with you, and they will still leave. Then you've got traumatized kids who eventually are emotionally abandoned by their avoidant parent too. When they walk away the first time - let them go and don't ever take them back. They ruin lives.
maybe but that wont be easy could even be a bad choice
This world teaches us to avoid real communication and run away from solving problems God have mercy on us I think love is a solution it balanced love
Well u can create and manifest a beautiful life with them maybe the opposite of it as well, but it all gotta stem from the belief u have inside ur mind space. If u deep down believe and feel, u can manifest a fantastical romance with them and why not do u think it won't be in ur 3d
I CAN relate. I try not to push when he withdraws in communication change the subject
I wish I knew about this before I broke up with him. He was loving, caring, thoughtful. He'd get cold and distance and the roller coaster confused the heck out of me, fearing it was just love bombing and manipulation. I know now he was just withdrawing and needing space but couldn't express it. I didn't take to heart when he said, "I love you please never forget that." I believe he knew his behavior could be distant and could hard for me. I broke up a week ago and hoping he can forgive me. I've let him know I understand that he needs space (through a text) and I hope to hear from him. Will he reconsider our relationship? Did I totally break trust? He showed in so many ways that he loves me but my fear got the best of me.😢
If you follow your intuition, I hope you know that deep down consciously and subconsciously some thing and you was not being met, a need. I am known someone for the better part of my life, 27 years and counting. They came to me after they had finished two very long-term relationships, three kids between those two relationships and thinking that they were sure of what they wanted. It's beautiful that you got to hear the words, I love you, but these words and the actions behind them need to match. It takes a toll on the more stable person, no matter how patient, empathetic, considerate, you are. I know how difficult it is to sit in the silence, thinking if you're ever gonna hear from them again, if they're going to have their come to moment, if things are going to align, if this is the one because you feel so close and only you bring out a certain part of them. But my mental health got so unbalanced in the constant limbo of maybe Yes, maybeno. I saw this person make other women mothers and how badly I wanted to be one of them. On the same token, I've seen those families fall apart, and I have helped heal him whether directly or indirectly through it all. But you also need healing. You also need reassurance. You also need someone who's gonna wonder if what they do is gonna hurt you and chooses the opposite action because they prefer to show up for you and value you. no one, not a single soul on this planet that is confused in their mind, in their heart, and downstairs when it comes to intimacy, who also is not fully ready to receive can show up bravely for you. Just your profile alone, seems like you're strong person, you are enough. And if they come back, may they come back to you with conviction and change so they can stay and walk this life with you certain, not always leaning with imbalance and uncertainty that is not leadership. And that's not the way that we should love one another.
I feel the same way. I broke up with my avoidant girlfriend of a year because she just didn't seem to reciprocate in the traditional way. After seeing this video, I feel I've made a HUGE mistake in dumping her and the love we had. Don't know what to think now.
Off topic- but he’s a cutie ❤
He has this anxious attachment’s interest 😜
Gotta be honest here... As an avoidant person who watches these types of videos to try to understand myself and heal: If a partner said something like "I'm feeling really alone, is there any way we can connect?" or "I'm feeling really lonely right now, are you available for some support?" I would gag and look for the nearest exit. Do *not* put it on an avoidant to figure out how to regulate YOUR emotions. In both of those scenarios, you are telling the avoidant that it's up to them to regulate your emotions AND that they need to figure out how to do that (Seriously, "connect" and "support" can mean a million things, please don't be that vague).
If you *really* want to get through, you need to show an avoidant that you can regulate yourself and invite them in when you're feeling secure. It is going to be so much easier for an avoidant to want to spend time with you if they aren't constantly worried you're going to ask them to do emotional labor that they've always been told that they need to handle for themselves.
Think of regulating your emotions as tying your shoes. Imagine if you had a partner that asked you to tie their shoes all the time, and you couldn't figure out why they needed the help, because YOU don't have trouble tying your shoes, and your partner doesn't have any obvious disabilities that would stop them from tying their shoes on their own... They just keep asking you to do it. It would get annoying, right? But if your partner consistently showed you that they can tie their own shoes, and suddenly they're asking for help because they broke their finger, you'd be more than happy to step in and help, because you know that they'd do it on their own if they could. And on the flip side of that, if you had a partner who insisted on constantly tying YOUR shoes, you'd probably think it's weird and infantilizing, right?
With an avoidant partner, you really need to consider whether you are asking them to do something that they learned is something that everyone has to do for themselves. Avoidance is the result of being taught that it is SHAMEFUL to ask for help or co-regulation, and even if they logically know that securely attached people don't think that way, it can take a LOT of work to get that shameful feeling out of their body.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I understand where you’re coming from, and I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this further. Having been fearful, avoidant myself in the past, I can see your perspective, but want to expand upon it, because it does indicate a certain starting point on the journey.
It's important to recognize that everyone, regardless of their attachment style, is at different stages of readiness for change, especially within a committed relationship. In this video, I'm offering a starting point for a conversation. It’s essential to understand that asking for support is not a sign of neediness. When someone requests support, it’s an invitation for their partner to understand and engage with their needs. If an avoidant partner perceives this as emotional dependency, it often reflects their internal narratives and growth journey.
In other words, it’s not so bad that you gag. In fact, you probably need to gag, and dive deeper into where the gag comes from. Because that’s where you need to go to open up and loosen up and relax into connection.
You shouldn’t have to break a finger before your partner is willing to help you tie your shoes. That is a very cold, an isolated metaphor that you offer here. And my heart goes out to you. You do not have to be suffering or in tremendous pain before you are allowed to ask for help and support. And I would not advise my viewers, to adopt that advice.
I have many avoidant clients who are quite capable of responding to such requests. And you mis-quoted the first suggestion. “"I’m feeling really lonely right now. Are you available for some support? I really appreciate it when you...xyz." in this example, you are telling the Avoidant partner very specifically how they have succeeded with you in the past, and adding specificity around what would feel supportive.
The second option, “I'm feeling really alone right now, is there any way that we could connect?" is for avoidant partners that would take exception to being “told what to do” and would rather come to their own ideas and conclusions without specific input.
The assumption that an avoidant person cannot engage in supportive dialogue is, in itself, a stereotype . Yes, Avoidant individuals often have a closed mental and emotional system when they begin the journey of healing, but part of the gift a partner brings is the invitation to open that system.
In any committed relationship, it is both normal and expected to support each other. There’s a significant difference between taking full responsibility for someone else’s emotions and wanting to contribute positively to your partner’s well-being. If your partner is struggling, wouldn’t you want to help them feel better? Similarly, wouldn't you want your partner to care about your feelings and well-being? I would agree with the tying your shoes analogy, to a point, But there is nothing in my example that suggests the person who is asking for support cannot tie their own shoes. And again, they should not have to have a broken finger in order to ask.
My suggestions do put some of the onus on the other person in the dialogue to ask for clarity if they need it, and that is intentional.
If the idea of contributing to a partner’s emotional state feels uncomfortable, it might be worth reflecting one’s personal growth journey. Creating a safe space for dialogue is crucial in building a supportive and secure relationship.
Regarding emotional regulation, co-regulation and auto-regulation are interconnected. What often appears as the avoidant’s capacity to self-regulate is actually a hypersensitivity to emotional stimuli and a rigid coping mechanism. True emotional regulation involves a balance that includes co-regulation. Shutting off external input to maintain internal equilibrium isn't genuine self-regulation; it's a sign of struggle with emotional processing.
For a more in-depth discussion on these topics, I recommend watching my video "How To Heal Avoidant Attachment: 4 Crucial Steps"
I hope this clarifies my perspective and provides a deeper understanding of how avoidant individuals can engage in supportive relationships. Thank you again for your comment.
How To Heal Avoidant Attachment: 4 Crucial Steps
th-cam.com/video/UwXAhWPzaBc/w-d-xo.html
Personally you need to skip these videos and seeks some serious therapy. Or plan to spend the rest of your life alone.
Wow!
@AnnaFunk can u give us some examples of how better to phrase pls?
Stop getting in relationships. You are broken.
It's simply not worth it. To be with an avoidant is way too complicated and heavy. I want an emotionally healthy woman who hasn't been so severely damaged in the past. It's such a blessing to be with a partner who is emotionally secure, healthy, clear and warm with great communication about anything.
Amen
I want this in a man ❤ This awareness has been a game changer. We hurt each other too find better
People who don't have "issues" with attachment are usually in a relationship. So at a point the only people "left" are avoidant and anxious.
I talked to a woman about this I've loved for many years we hook up here and there but whenever I start to feel close she shuts me off, then a year later she comes back. I like to think she just needed me for an ego boost because she has dated in between us hooking up but never went the distance. I'm ready to shut her off
Thank you sooooo much for this amazing and game changer video Briana!❤
Yes I recognize all these signs from my avoidant person😅
Especially number 3. He always opens up and vulnerable to me. And most of the time I just listen actively and let him know and feel that I am always there for him as his safe space and comfort.
I just find it cute when he fixed our bed the last time we spend a weekend together. And make tea for me. Small things do really matters!!
Omg this makes sense. I am dealing with someone like this.
He tells you he’s going to build a wall around your heart ❤️ just for him
Wow, so sweet
Too many of you guys that are more stable in the situation and really want to make it work be careful that you distinguish between an avoidant versus someone who is just not there, maturity, wise or trust wise and confuses, giving moments of intimacy with actually just trying to manipulate the situation so that they can feel loved and cared for. It's brutal, loving someone that you have to feel like you're constantly having to scan. When a partner even a genuinely avoided one really is trying, they will set some sort of insistency. You can see it the way she describes things. But sometimes it might just be a Mama boy never really grew up who hasn't really addressed their hurt feelings who punishes other women for the sins of others, and no matter how beautiful they are and loving their words may seem, no matter how much they want to be a certain version with you, wanting & doing our two different things. Manipulation whether their self-conscious or unconscious about it is still very damaging. Deep inside your gut you know it's not easy to make that boundary to tell them to stop hurting you.
Amen amen. Really resonated with this one. Especially the mama's boy comment, his past hurt with his exes. I'm done trying to analyze him either. Just came here to help myself as i haven't healed as well and it seems like I'm drawn to DAs anyway. It's hard to find SA people nowadays.. so better get working on my healing. This comment validated what i think he really is and you put it in words very accurately for me. 💞
When we first met everything just flowed naturally and we also had so many things in common. She would very often say how beautiful I am and how much she likes me and how much she misses me (long distance relationship, meeting 2-3 times per month on weekends).
Then we went on vacation together (1 week) and she stayed at my place for an extra week.
She began to get bored very easily and always wanted to do something “what are we doing?”. She expressed her concern about being in a stressful situation and the fact that us being always together is not ideal for her and that she has some trouble coping with that. She also felt sad because she had some situations where she got bored.
(I didn’t know about any attachment styles then).
She would often hug me, kiss me, sniff me and many more. So basically showing some physical and emotional proximity.
Everytime I’d leave her place on Sunday she would text me like 30 minutes later saying how much she misses me or saying “come back”.
And then all of a sudden (after 5 months long distance relationship) she began to be very distant by message and wasn’t calling me neither. She stated that she was very stressed out and irritated and that I also irritate her.
After telling me she didn’t want us to meet for her birthday I had a very hard time coping with that. I asked her to have a phone call in the evening. She waited at her place until I came back from work and said she didn’t want to have this conversation but that I wanted that.
In the end I tried to talk about feelings and she blocked or dodged those subjects. She also came up with a lot of excuses and said that we didn’t laugh together anymore and that this isn’t normal. She explained every reason for which our relationship could not work. At the same time she clearly showed signs that she didn’t want to end the relationship neither… very contradictory imo.
I told her that maybe the best would be to stop there. She never acknowledged nor said that it was over. She just said I’ll hang up.
I talked about the stuff we both still have at each others place and she somehow wanted to keep my favorite sweater. Does this mean that she wants to keep thinking about me?
After that 1 week passed and then I only sent her a neutral message for her birthday. Never got a reply since then (10 days). I really want to contact her but as she is DA I really shouldn’t.
Side note: I will meet her (work related and there will be other people) in 2,5 weeks. So I’m wondering how she will react when seeing me again in person after 1 month of going silent/breakup.
I’m only imagining that during this time period she could maybe get with another dude or that she will go into a lot of casual seggs to cope with her issues. This makes me feel bad…
What do you think about all of this?
Just wondering if it was a mistake to breakup or not. I somehow have the feeling that she probably has been able to show more love than the majority of DAs (reading a lot of comments and descriptions).
She would often sleep on me with arm and leg wrapped around me. Even after starting to be distant we still got very intimate and even had seggs multiple times in a day. It seemed, to me, very genuine and that there is some real emotion and that this wasn’t only causal seggs.
During last phone call she said that everytime she was at my place she didn’t like it but still drove 4-5 hours to see me each time.
She also said “I didn’t enjoy my summer vacation and I’m not happy with my actual situation”.
What does this all mean? Sometimes things she does are contrary of DA but often it’s on spot with DA behavior.
She also could get jealous or worry if I came home safely after a long drive. She also said to me once that she was really upset when I ghosted her for some hours.
I think your partner maybe has avoidant and anxious attachment. That could be happened as well
Mine was avoidant person. But in the first 5 monts he acts like anxious person. Cried and always worried when I didnt text him back. And the suddenly months later he felt bored etc and broke up because he said I dont have hobby.
Almost a year later he came back and said he wants to marry me. And then after a month he gave up and ask me to leave him.
Now we talk again like a couple but without any status.
I also dont know what i was doing. Everyone ask me to run from him.
All I can say is you might be suffer for years but if you're still willing to do it then go ahead, otherwise look for someone new who's healthier🥰
my guess is that she suddenly met someone else, and went with it.
@mercoboulotdodo. Sounds like she is more fearful avoidant rather than dismissive avoidant.
Save yourself its going to drive yourself crazy
7yrs I wasted of my life🙄
I see all of the signs listed, except recently they stop initiating consistent time together 😖 it’s been 8 weeks of no quality time together. Prior to that, the time spent together was 4-6 days a week for a span of 5 months. I’m ready to walk away
They do that
Get feelings and run
Approach differently is all I can say
Also look in the mirror and look at your text messages possibly with a friend (don’t tell the avoidant this) and see if you went wrong from someone else’s point of view or that of a therapist.
@@taylorbee4010 I actually did this already! And everyone in my life agrees that I have done nothing “wrong” and that my avoidant partner is still very much “receptive” and present 🫠 hues I have to wait and see what time brings
Six year relationship and after one big fight and I'm shut out. I'm tired of apologizing and begging for any attention. She was super affectionate and now nothing. Used to cuddle into me, now she gets into bed with clothes on, a clear barrier and still no physical contact. Not even a kiss before bed
I'm an avoidant woman I will tell you what it works for me.
If you're tired of apologizing, don't say that to her, instead:
'I'm so sorry for how I acted in our last fight. Can you pls tell me what can I do to make you feel better, because I really dont know. I love you and I miss you and this cold treatment really hurts me. Pls, let's talk this out
Then you give her time to process it, if she's like me, she'll come around. When she shuts down don't be reactive. Be proactive.
Lots of success 🙌
@@deeeboo- thank you. I appreciate the time you took for that. I did that and now I've come to accept it's on her terms or nothing. I'm working on living my life because it'll most likely be without her
I saw all the signs yet they still left
7/8 he scored seven out of eight. He just don’t set aside specific time for us but does everything else. I usually have to initiate us meeting, even if it’s at his place…
in the shoe with her she values her job over me
Yeah seems like he didn’t love me - I was just a placeholder until things got better for him. He didn’t really show anything and would say in the love bombing stage that he felt close to me. That was a lie 😂
He ghosted and discarded me a few weeks ago. I guess I wasn’t the “one” for them.
This was very helpful. Rrally helps me undrrstand her and her efforts which for an Avoidant are so difficult. She is six for eiight w one partial. This really helped me appreciate My Darlin' though she cannot uet express her affections for me in the ways that i do for her😊😊😊
I can relate to practically all of them. ❤
Thank you for sharing ❤️
You may as well be talking about my relationship...have you been a fly on my wall? 😂
I think these signs come from any person who is interested, regardless their attachment style. They are not a hidden language and the other party could simply feel it.
1/8. Been together 15 years
😢
Humm he suddenly called to me after no contacts for 6weeks and then tolds to me “i feel lonely”that means he try to open up to me 😅
Hopefully he wants to open up to you. Unfortunately my husband only reaches out when he wants "something" so just be aware of that possibly and don't let him use you. ❤️
Wow, 7 out of 8. 1 of which is more situational, so it may be 8 of 8.
Hi, he finally broke down came back in. After s&x the first time again he was all teared up right after. I later asked if he did indeed and he said yes he wants the best for me and he wasn’t that before. We had plans for him to come over later & he did not but explained why then with promises of following night. Slim communication that day and ended up saying he was too messed up to drive over. I remained calm n try to get him to see how it was hurting me. With him saying I’m thinking too much then later that he loves me, he doesn’t need to be scolded he needs me to save him. I’m trying to decode the save part at the moment. Please help
Is it ok to say i need you to be strong??
Words of affirmation work best, but why does he keep making plans and promises then cancel?
the issue here is that they'll never see how they've hurt you, even when you try to show them they'll simply discard it. They know they hurt you but they just won't do anything about it, not even an apology.
Beware whom you spend your time and effort on.
It should be called player attachment style....no other way around it. They hurt u like hell and never take accountability. That is asshole attachment style pretending to love you only to throw you when they run from commitments and responsibilities and compromise. Its absolutely impossible even if you are a secure person it will never work!!! Even 10 years down the line. I think this is worse than a narcissist. The narcissist you can just leave and forget. The avoidant you can never forget them because its a neverending illusion of love and happiness.
Honestly I think the fact he's looking to be saved is concerning 😬 . It doesn't mean he's a bad person but I think the likelihood that you can "save" him is pretty low. Saving is different than helping
You act like they are able to feel love at all. They have no emotions.. my ex literally had to find guys that graped her violently so she could feel any emotions and confused that with love.. they are broken
That’s a pretty extreme pathology you’re talking about. I’m NOT a professional therapist/ psychologist but that’s likely some extreme PTSD and a fracturing of her personality at a young age by repeated abuse, violence, repetitive rape maybe by a family member… sadly some people come to crave the very things that hurt them the most and have lost the sensitivity to enjoy the aspects of love and affection that less-damaged people desire. I had a girlfriend once that wanted to play out a very violent rape fantasy- not getting into the details but it was above and beyond… i’m not an actor and it was a role i did not want to step into… i didn’t think it was healthy and our relationship was already beset by other irreconcilable differences. I’m perfectly confident that she was eventually able to find a guy for that role but I can guarantee she would have rather never had the childhood experiences that led her to desire that. Anyway, no judgement on anything between consenting adults..
But , anyway.. this video is about certain personality types and some people can be very withdrawn yet still be capable of deeply emotionally - rich lives. Some people however are damaged beyond the capacity to sustain a real relationship and it can be very painful when it takes too long for the other person to recognize that. Everybody is damaged to some degree but it would not be wise to assume that a huge group of people “ have no emotions”… that’s simply not true. At any rate, it turns out in the long run, often, that your bad relationship experiences increase your capacity to appreciate the good ones… otherwise, what are you gonna do?🤷🏻Some people give up on all of it… and sometimes somebody comes along and changes their mind and their Life.✌🏻
@@adamcrary1602 that was so well written.
He said for the last three months he lied to me we were going to work on things then said it was all a lie . I was destroyed all over again but I don’t believe he was lying.
Subscribed ❤ I need this info
This is very insightful
Thank you for watching! I’m glad you like it. ❤️🙏
Never settle for an avoidant. Might as well commit to living off fast food the rest of your life. You all deserve better .
And 75 percent of men are avoidant. So the odds are you will be with an avoidant. So , might as well be informed So both can heal.
I like this video. Thank you so much. ❤
I'm glad you like it
Wow, he's doing almost all of this. Not 5 yet, but we aren't officially a couple yet. LOTS of #6. #8 yes for a couple days after we've had an intense day together. Very interesting!
So everything but #5 so far, now for the next steps of communicating and letting him know he can trust and be safe and STILL get his space and time. I'm GREATLY working on my anxiety and communicating how I feel while saying I know his needs are there too.
Run! It doesn't get better from here...when times get tough and you need to have a deep conversation for the health of you and the relationship they won't be there. No contact is their thing and they do it better than you. Trust, they only care about themselves and will never show you any love. It will even be hard for them to say the word.
All air signs 😂
Stop lol hahaa 😭
As a libra with an Aquarius moon all I can say is... ouch😂😅
Cancers...the cancerous tumor Cancer ♋️
This may be a coincidence, but I had 2, lol. One Gemini and one libra, both men.
How can I ask or suggest anything when he won't even reply or even read any messages, he has had a lot of trauma in his life finds it difficult to trust which I get, but he said was ago he needed to process the fact that he beliethat he met me for a reason we met under unusual circumstances, he claims that he is a Sigma but I strongly believe he's an avoidant of some sort I'm constantly anxious due to my own traumas and this is just adding to it I've not slept properly for wks
We've been together for 3 years, and I am still not allowed to meet his adult children. I've only met two of his barfly friends, and his brother. I very much feel like I'm in a box, separate from the rest of his life. And because I've never met his children, it also means our holidays are separate because he goes and spends holidays with them.
3 years 😟. I’d put my foot down if I were you. And be prepared if he walks away.
RUN
That's not avoidant, that you not being the one
Dump him. He’s waisting your years! You should have already met his kids at least as a drive by or coffee. You need to tell him you want that.or just leave.
I hate to say it but could he be married? 3 years of being together and not meeting his family is beyond weird and trust me you deserve better! I wish I would've gotten out at 3 years now I look at how much time I spent on someone unwilling or unable to meet my needs.
Actually it doesn’t matter, feelings from avoidant is like castle of glass. One day everything is Ok, and another- Boom, everything has gone.
That's how it feels.
Does this apply in situationships?
26 years with a DA and he rarely does any of these things!
Ouch
How do you call that avoidant while they are already in positive communication?
You can't. Only when they start to withdraw.
Is there a video on how to deal with stonewalling?
I don’t know Briana. All was good except hearing someone’s feelings. It’s a burden. There’s another to connect with an avoidant without the feelings. Speaking as an avoidant. Ask to hang out with me. Not for me to fix their loneliness.
If you mean what you said about feelings, you have a lot more problems than being avoidant.
Sounds like a pretty shallow & empty sort of relationship and way to live, to me. In all honesty. We're humans, after all. Not robots. Having feelings and emotions and wanting to talk about them and share them with your significant other. In the desire to get to know one another on deeper levels, where you're both learning & finding out more about one another. In a reciprocated way. Seems to be the point of being with someone at the end of the day. Especially in regards to anything long-term. Most people would prefer that. To have a deep, well-connected, human relationship, where you both get to know each other very well. In special ways, that makes us feel uniquely bonded to you, more than anyone else. We're mammals, after all. That's the way we're naturally wired. Or supposed to be anyway.
Personally, I have zero interest in a partnership that is merely superficial, constantly casual, and ruled by the "let's just avoid all the feelings and serious stuff, and instead simply have endless meaningless small talk". Those don't tend to be successful forms of relationships.
If you could even call that a relationship, really. It's more like a selfish, closed off excuse for something simulating an actual relationship. One where it's all about the person who doesn't want to get deep or discuss feelings or anything of actual substance.
Instead, likely focusing on irrelevant, empty topics of discussion. Such as career, money, TV shows, political/ social bs. Or whatever else people could possibly choose to focus on. Instead of those things that matter most.
That's what it sounds like to me, anyway. I mean, I could be wrong. But it doesn't sound in any way interesting, or like there's a possibility for real or deep connection, or a future with that person. Sounds more like just having a friend to chat about pointless things and gossip with, to me.
That's a very one-sided dynamic, that would likely leave the other person feeling unimportant or unfulfilled. And then, what happens if you have some deep or important feeling or problem you'd like to talk about? Then would it matter, or be fair game? And again, if you never wanted or needed to talk about anything like that at all, then it's just not gonna be a very good or close relationship, tbh. Seems doomed to fail in any way I can see.
*Maybe I'm reading you and your intent all wrong, though. If so, then I apologize for that.
Everything's swell as long as it's shallow then, eh? Coming from an avoidant...it figures.
do you not think that very one sided selfish? Work on healthy communication and not devaluing people for expressing emotions to you or forever act like a fairweather friend. Its quite creepy way to behave around someone youre supposed to be a friend to
Seems like a triggered a few people on here. I think there’s a misunderstanding. I don’t mind hearing feelings. I don’t want to be held responsible for someone telling me why they’re feeling that way. Would like a bit of ownership, responsibility that’s all
I just found out my gf is an avoidant! Fml she's just ditched me for the weekend after I've driven 4.5hours to see her. So now I've got her dog and apartment for 2 days. Oh and I she's got her mates doing drop ins now and then bcoz all of a sudden I can't be trusted?! Like wtf that insults me to the core! I'm ex navy 12 yrs.. Grrr ...anyway she knows sh has me pussy whipped!
And I'm anxious af.
I'm f#cked pretty much
"Love is a battlefield"
- pat benatar
Unfortunately lots of women want to get the guy with a lot of sexual effort in the beginning to make their mind glued to her then they become abusive with distance and never go back to give their best, giving only breadcrumbs, leave man, be careful. You deserve a balanced relationship, you dealt with a lot already.
If art would help I would be healed as a professional artist
5 out of 8 ain’t bad?
Yes, most of these signs apply to my SP
I want to know if my bf is an avoidant or a covert narcissist. We are in LDR for almost 7 years. He could be consistent for 5 days then suddenly he just disappears for 24 hrs without notice.
Hello, if I may, I’d like to share to you my experience. I am also in a LDR, and yes, it’s common for them to take a day to recharge, me too, All of us should listen to ourselves, reflect on our things as part of our healing process from our attachments. It’s ok, I am on the other side towards a secure attachment and I now see both sides. It can be very overwhelming having to feel like a must check in every day. People say “it doesn’t take long to send a text, if they care they. Will” well, it doesn’t apply to all situations. People mostly won’t be ok with just one text, and will reply and expect another reply all through the day, and it can feel like engulfment. It’s awesome to have space and miss you and have things to talk about the following day. People who have not healed will let their insecurities blow up and right away assume they are doing something shady and it’s not the case. We are just simply taking some hours for ourselves and there is nothing wrong with that. We are not the ones to fill people’s voids or traumas, I know my partner is doing the stuff he loves and I use that time to also do the things I love for me and also need to do. I have also learned not to let people in your relationship because they will start instilling doubts and telling you he or she is cheating blah blah blah. Seven years is quite a time, I now feel that marriage is a lockdown, people will start to question and butt in why you haven’t gotten married. I now understand my partner for we have seen how people just assume that signing away that’s it, he’s mine she’s mine , and steer away for making any effort and find yourself stuck and unhappy. Every situation is different, not everyone understands the types of attachments, they run under a dogma or paradigm of what in society is expected, grow get married have kids that’s it, but then why are so many divorces? Because there is much more than that. If you learn to understand your partners language and way to show you love, then you have something there, despite of what people say. Hope it helps✨☺️blessings
@@TheBluemorpho2010also LDR here with a guy who is very independent and secretive.
He will send pictures of his food, a sunflower, and then nothing about his whereaboust or with who.. i, ( anxious ) find this very hard. I also love my own time but i do give him a short update.
Also he could send pictures' wish you were here' but never invite me over there.
The secrecy and lack of communication is very triggering.
I feel lost.
It doesn't matter. He's a turd. Dump him.
@@TheBluemorpho2010 You have completely rationalized the plank you are walking out on, you must be besotted. If this partner of yours is an avoidant then don't get attached, the clock is running. It doesn't matter how much you accommodate, there is no happy ending. EVER. Keep lowering your expectations as well, it lessens the impact of the emotional clobbering you will invariably face. Thoughts and prayers.
@@michellebeaver4809 You sound jaded. Most of these videos are made by accredited professionals with a great deal of experience and they seem to agree avoidants can become more secure with work. Your catch all don't ever get attached there is no happy ending ever is absurd.
Love that top on you, so cute and comfy looking too
Oh thank you!
I recognize that she doesn’t show any of the things you mentioned. I even decided to do my own laundry because they were never a priority too.
Briana u r so super.
Aww thank you 🙏❤️
Mine said it but it was in the midst of the deed, she said it 3 times, one after the other. Then she retreated.
I don't get it. I didn't say anything because frankly I didn't know if she meant it or not, had an ex say it during the same deed, and well turns out she was not in love with me.
Anyone any ideas?
I don't think your comment was clear.. said what? Maybe someone will answer once you explain it
Yeah hey what di they say?? We're clueless.. what did they i love you u?
These signs are normal for most people ??
Highly doubt that
a definition of emotional abuse is withholding affection from your partner. Does that mean all avoidants are abusive by nature?
No. It’s only abusive if they do it in order to manipulate you into doing what they want.
@@JuliaMarieH interesting, so if you are just mean and hateful it is ok as long as you aren't manipulating. Sounds a lot like it is still abusive
@@jimmyjames2797 withholding affection is completely separate from being mean and hateful. It could mean just treating your partner like a roommate or not texting them back as a quickly as they’d like. It’s shitty behavior, but not inherently abusive.
@@JuliaMarieH it absolutely is abusive. Avoidant is NOT an attachment style, it is a detachment disorder as in mental health disorder. Treating your partner like a roommate is not love. Avoidants are not capable of a healthy relationship because they believe their abuse is not abuse. They are emotionally and often physically withdrawn and definitive of emotional as well as psychological abuse.
@@jimmyjames2797if you believe you are entitled to affection at all times from your partner, wouldn’t that be abusive as well?
She’s pulled away
Be grateful
They wont tell you "they love you" because they dont. They arent capable of love and dont even know what it is. The only time they'll even show up in the relationship is when your bags are packed and you're out the door.... if that.
And if the avoidant is a woman its FAR WORSE!!! Because now they think they're right all the time and you cant tell them anything. 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️
💯
I am absolutely certain that my avoidant partner loves me even though he will verbally deny it.
Well, that means a PART of him loves you. But the part that denies it, or doesn't want to, has a lot of power. Be careful not to discount it.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment that’s really wise advice. Thank you for that reality check!
In hindsight, I wish I'd known in ALL of my relationship experience about avoidant types. They really do not care about your thoughts or feelings sometimes. They will make travel plans without you and not even think about you, stating that it's not your decision or choice. Sure, but it would have been great to know you planned on meeting your new housemate in Italy for a week, before you planned and offered to meet them, while I have to work. Even with all this information, if someone doesn't truly love you, or sees you more as a close friend (friendlationship) and cannot invest or is not in as deeply as you are emotionally (equality of emotion and a relationship with the same goals, such as being open to something longer term (maybe not a commitment, but at least being *open* to it)) etc.
@@naiyalexic I posted that comment two weeks ago and got dumped (ghosted completely) one week ago. So, yeah, he doesn’t love me. Doesn’t respect me. I doubt he likes or loves or respects himself much. 17 months and he wouldn’t even call me to follow up on our 4 hour confusing conversation about US. I am guessing he’s done and I know I need to be. 🫤 😢
@@noticeyourneighbor8649sorry to hear. Hope you fully heal
They were
Were
Yup.
I relate all of them....
Thank you for sharing!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
He does most of these but says he isn’t in love with me 🫠 It’s fine if he isn’t but I think he may be
Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your experience. You might find this video helpful: Why I LOVE YOU is a Trigger For Avoidant Attachment
th-cam.com/video/Q7AkSrNTlD8/w-d-xo.html
He's a turd. Dump him before he ruins your life and self esteem
When I expressed how I felt to my avoidant, she said “what is love?” 😂
Currently on the 4th off after 2 years.
Same with my guy!!!!
❤❤❤❤❤