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@@Karll541 Wasn't sure if you were asking me or the original comment poster. As for me, I never heard back from her, so no compromise or talk happened. Now it's been ~4 months, and even if she gets back, I am not trying us again.
Yup!!! He came back and initiated a relationship and a month later said he wasn’t ready for one but still wanted to keep seeing me. I walked away and am trying to be stron
@@audreyreidling3654 That’s the worst part! They breadcrumb you, keep you hanging on hoping they’ll change their mind. But all it does is stop us from moving on fully. 8 months still my ex left out of the blue and I’m still low key waiting for a text from her one day!
@@MsCLAUDIANL Not gonna lie. Its been pretty brutal. I'm done with her but every day I find myself wondering if she'll reach out and that makes it harder to complety move on.
The FA currently making me sad has vented to me a number of times that people have called him avoidant and that it infuriates him. Yet he regularly quips how his biggest gift and curse is not being remotely emotionally vulnerable. Like… connect the dots, man.
Everyone has a right to feel safe in a relationship, not just the avoidant who in general makes their partner feel anything but with the shit they pull🤷🏼♂️
FA who was pursuing me kept inserting me into these intensely intimate imaginary scenarios and then pivoting in the next breath to another dude. “Come down here to visit and we’ll make out. Actually, I’m already here with a guy friend. I’m tempted.” The last straw was suggesting we share a bed together somewhere, then immediately started talking about the spooning position preferences of some FWB that apparently they still keep on standby. Like, sorry, I know intimacy is threatening to you, but you are not going to shove me into these aggressively intimate scenarios of your own creation and then use some other guy as your buffer. Feels like discarding and negging me out of your own insecurity. They talk about how crazy-making and what a rollercoaster ride the fearful avoidant push-pull is, but they don’t often mention that you can witness manifestations of it happen in such a short span of time. Total emotional whiplash. Who has the resilience to spend their time tiptoeing around these people’s behaviors?
The last reason (impulse) was definitely why mine came back. I had reached out and asked her to give us another shot and then went no contact, and she texted me a few weeks later. We got together, but she said she wasn't ready to be exclusive just yet... but then invited me on a vacation with her. We went on the vacation, had an amazing time, but she noticeably avoided any kind of vulnerable conversations. Then a few weeks later she ghosted me. Once I finally met up with her for closure, she said that felt like "something was missing," and that "she just didn't feel sure," and also revealed that she was now seeing someone else. Well, obviously she wasn't going to feel sure when she was keeping her options open, and obviously something was gonna be missing if she isn't allowing intimate conversations. Just a bunch of wasted time from an impulsive person with no regard for the harm it causes others.
Man, a lot of these are pretty spot on with my fearful avoidant ex, we had a awesome relationship for a year, we broke up and she re-entered into my life two weeks later, she was completely different and played games for a while, we recently had an explosive argument and haven’t spoken to each other in about three weeks. At least I know now if she is ever to return back into my life, I know to look out for a lot of these things. What’s scary about it, Is it really just sounds like this type of style or attachment is just overall toxic.
Been back and forth with her for 4 yrs. She has ran away 3 times. Last time we got back together we got married. Came home this week and her stuff was gone. We were stressed in business and money. The morning she left everything seemed great. 😢
i'm so sorry my reltaoinship with FA was a little rocky due to pregnancy complications and stress and has run away 3 times too and moved out this time we didn't live together previously. so devastated.
Well this won't apply to me due to the fact I block her on everything. To be honest majority of them do not change. They really don't. You let them back and after while the same behaviors. Eyes forward and move forward. It sucks but you really fall in love with a potential of them. When they do come back it again is out of selfishness.
It's hard for us partners to see our avoidents act like this, because we love them right? I am less critical, because they are conflicted in their subconscious, so thier flakey, love you one day, run the next is only a behaviour bought on by stress. A good therapist should be able to neutralize it, you hope.
We DO change. We just have to want to. I just recently found out that I've been and FA all of my younger life and now as an older adult, I've been learning so much through therapy and becoming more secure. So we can change, but it's up to the FA on if they want that change and healing.
@@Sandyjbeaches Thanks so much for sharing, & for your strength & courage also in choosing to change & working on it. What made you decide to grow? What sort of work do you find helpful, or not? And how long does this take pls? My soulmate is FA & we’re in no contact that I initiated 20 days ago cos I felt a text was dismissive & disrespectful - before only finding out this weekend from videos that he’s FA. Do you have advice pls on whether & how I should end NC? I don’t want to hurt him. But since we started already, if it helps him to reflect & grow, perhaps I should wait? When would you guess he’s reflected enough to decide and reach out? We have a deep connection, he loves me but it’s complex, & he’s attempted some healing. It’s sobering to learn of the pain he’s been in his whole life, & daunting as it is, I want to help him gain his true freedom from it, & live life.
After my FA broke up with me, I went no contact for two weeks (without knowing that NC is a thing) after these two weeks I contacted her asking if we could talk now. In the call she said that she glad that I reached out and that we can have this conversation because she felt “INCOMPLETE”. Exactly what you mentioned in the video. After she said that I knew that the closure conversation is more for her thank for me getting answers. Since she now feels complete, I guess she never will come back.
my i believe FA came back almost a month ago after almost 2 years of no contact. I personally believe she has ulterior motives. I do not trust her because of how badly things ended. Whats crazy is when we broke up we tried being friends and it felt like she put more effort into friendship than being in a relationship. I think she messaged me because she maybe moving somewhere near by and is looking for a safety net and thinks because of our past I would be that net. I personally ignored the phone call and did not open the message so she did not see it was read.
The part about the mother also being a fearful avoidant is something that hits hard as, I visited some realtives in mexico last month that i have just met for the first time at 23 years old, they asked about life of course I brought up my ex as I met her during my studies in japan recently and when I showed a photo of her, my dads uncle he said that "this girl has a hard life due to the fault of her parents." Before this interaction all he knew was that I just told him i got back from japan couple months ago no one told him about me having a girlfriend so that just hit like damm... and with this video to its just, hard as she was the one that broke up with me a month into us being long distance and I took it terribly, and and wow just wow it was 4 months ago now the breakup but still would love to work things out with her one day ive told her that and the left the invitation on her table.
Resonates a lot. Ex came back multiple times in the first few years of the relationship. She has rebounded with someone else this time and it's been a few months, so no idea what to expect this time around
I’m glad somebody else stated this. I’ve been confused as heck trying to somehow define someone as a DA or an FA. I thought I was going nuts trying desperately to understand the differences. It’s the first time anybody has said there’s a definite crossover of DA/FA attachment types.
Blocker everywhere. Give yourself time and move on. The reality is they didn’t do the work and had issues in the first place, and people with the best of intentions cannot change in months. It usually takes years. Don’t fall for this trap, go no contact and move on
I would hope to think that people who are quick to agree with this comment can take a few extra minutes to understand that every situation is unique and the time and effort is obviously going to vary, possibly on a huge scale of far apart extremes. If you both love eachother and can accept trying out some sort of therapy and gaining a greater understanding of each other's feelings, psychiatry of the other, all in genuine heart of loving intent, you may have the best rest of your life with that person. We all need work. Unfortunately, too many people dismiss their own issues for a lifetime and die silently miserable in the end.
I have spent hundreds of hours researching this to understand after being ghosted 5 months ago. I am coming to the conclusion, "who has the bigger problem. The FA or us heartbroken secures that want them back?"
My ex has left and come back over the past 20 years we married for 5 years he left and came back several times after the divorce Always with promises it wouldn’t happen again.
Your avoident can make you anxious and that in turn will push him away, too much emotional energy scares them, they cannot take needy people because they know they can't give you what you need, they don't enjoy dealing with it - it threatens the freedom they love. If you lean in closer he'll run. You have to get yourself up and healed! See a therapist.
My ex was anxious attachment during the relationship,but acted fearful avoidant after the breakup & yesterday said that they would like to remain friends. He keeps showing up where I’m at. I’m still blocked on social media & I think on his phone. He’s a cancer ♋️ btw. Fast forward a few days… I am no longer blocked & my ex is slowly coming back. I can’t go into details about their personal mental state but that also makes things a whole lot more complex. They’re very sensitive. Things are looking up though. It’s a push & pull but it’s better than what it was.
Mine is cancer too and have this pattern of searching for me where and when he knows he can find me on a specific street, used to do this also while together and after he verbalized this, we started to meet up before his morning shift. He did this twice after 3-4 weeks from breaking up (he broke up), stopping and still emotional. Then another months going MIA, then again showed up litteraly stopping in the middle of a roundabout, unsure what to do, staring at me 😢😅 and then decided he couldn't handle coming, then we had an argument but he was cold and distant (looked in a complete deactivation mode, no emotions), then showed up 4 days later saying hi only with his hand, bumped into him unintentionally 2 days later, both driving home one night, I said Hi and he turned towards me and could only raise his hand and looked like stoned or if he has seen a ghost and now no signs for 2 weeks...he has shut down hard to the point that he can't even talk to me. I'm FA too but more secure, had lots of positive experiences here and there since University so I've got better; he hasn't and he's full of fears/wounds
Well, my FA is never coming back then... because one of the main reasons be broke up with me is because I did ask a lot of him emotionally. After a lot of fights in our relationship over his inability to be empathetic, i became emotionally dependent on him when i saw him starting to try to support me. But it got to a point where it didnt matter what i did, everything i did was taken as a negative. He kept asking for more and more and more space, and he was disrespecting me and I was tired of always having to tiptoe around his anger. So the night he dumped me i stopped giving him space because i was fed up with him blaming his rage issues on me. I was done. So I dont think i made him feel safe anymore. And i did ask a lot from him emotionally. I dont think he'll ever come back. And im just trying to remind myself thag i deserve better and so this is a good thing, as much as i miss him now.
Mine had so many exes as well as sexual partners. In the relationship she was always texting guys, most didn't even know she had a bf. They emotionally cheat.
Thank you Katya, this was clarifying and relieving. Because I ignored my FA ex's last reach out, after he had sporadically contacted me for 1.5 year after the break up, giving me false hope. I wanted to protect my heart. So this time I didn't reply to his messages and call, 3 months ago and since then I've doubted my decision. But this reminded me that was probably his anxiety and nostalgia in the moment, and he wasn't offering anything or saying he regretted his decision, just that he still carried the love I gave him despite he was not alway that nice. or it didn't work out and he was curious how I am doing. Some coaches say in that situation to let the ex (dumper) try again until he says something significant, to see how serious they are. Do you share that stance?
My fearful avoiding called me and told me I was the best lover she ever had and we planned a meet up she snuck in an I love you at the end of the call(I said it back) then she canceled the date and we have only texted a bit since… why would she deactivate when she’s the one who came on strong? Some context: she has been seeing a rebound but I’m not sure if they’re official.
After 6 months of on and off again dating my avoidant ex monkey branched me, then popped up 4 moths later and acted as if nothing had happened and said she missed me. After letting her know I was hurt by what she did, she apologized, then a few days later we talked about going to dinner and she said she was looking forward to seeing me but we didn’t set a date. A week after that, without saying anything she unilaterally blocked me on everything. I’m completely over her at this point. Adios, not my problem anymore.
Many FA's are in a constant struggle to maintain power in a relationship. Getting you to say I love you could have been a move to regulate her emotions, confirm she still has you pocketed, and ensure the power dynamic is still in her favor. Once she was grounded in this, she can then continue being one-sided and meet her other needs elsewhere. Just my opinion.
Oh hell no. You have to hold high standards for yourself. If she reaches out again be clear and succinct in telling her that she hurt you and you won't stand for that behaviour - it has to be a serious shared commitment to start over otherwise remain NC
My FA/DA ex for two weeks now ridiculed me for saying I love you (all the time) to my children, family members, and close friends. He said why am I forcing him to say I love you to me every time before we hang up the phone. He said he is not like that and why I keep saying I live to everyone else when I don't mean it!! What??!!😮😢💔😭😢😫☹️
I was trying to work out exactly what attachment style my ex is. She has been hovering on my social media for 17 months since the break up. Reaching out as late as Christmas just gone. Some of these points may help explain what is going on.
Thank you for this video...My FA hasn't reached out since 2 wks ago, but I feel she could fall into all of the reasons. but, primarily the feel safe, sense of regret. not sure about fear of being alone, however she is 57. We were 3 yr, 8 mos...I'm hoping she would come back for closure, because I could use that too. unexpected ending with no talk about working it out...this has been a challenging last 4 weeks....
I am heartbroken 💔 i was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant for 2 months before he broke it off and says he is afraid of hurting me. He was also scared of my love because he says the love between us is asymmetrical. He also said I was intense because I asked too many questions about the relationship. How could I not? He would disappear for 2-3 days. I don’t know what he wants out of the relationship. And in the 2 months, we’ve only met 3 times in person. I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what’s really bothering him. It’s been 15 days since we last texted. I miss him. I hope he is doing okay. Will he ever come back..? He told me to forget about him and move on. 😢😢😢 my heart aches so much.
So sorry you have to go through this. "My" fearful avoidant was only a friendship, but it still hurts like hell and I want him back. He ghosted me out of the blue. It's been two month now. Hope your partner finds the guts to come back.
How did it work out in the end? I would say be happy not being severely destroyed by that person. People usually do not change. He is like that way. How does it make you feel?
@@andyrandy0815 hi andy, thanks the comment. After all these months, I learned to live with the scars that this relationship left. Im no longer hurting, but there’s this dull ache that comes sometimes when I pass by the street that leads to his house, or thinking about the kittens that we rescued. I think the one thing that I’m grateful for is that he never reached out to me again. And I remembered the nights grieving, and the sobriety in the morning knowing that I’ll never see him again still haunts me today. I was also counting down the days to his birthday, hoping that I could wish him and talk to him then. Hoping to get a response. No matter how insignificant. I’m much happier now, lighter. It took a lot of accepting to be able to be on my feet again. By accepting, means knowing that I’ve got parts to work on myself, and taking life one breath at a time. Working on my self bit by bit. Keeping a journal, lots of introspection. It was a really confusing experience, but one that I made me stronger. His birthday is coming up soon. I’d be lying if I say I no longer want to reach out. But instead I’ll wish him the best from a far, hoping that he could finally accept the love that he deserves. Thanks for asking :)
I met one of my exes when I was 21 and he was 29 and he broke up with me and yet he always comes back and I will never understand why he always comes back. I just turned 30yrs old and he just came back again🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🥴 it’s been like that since i met him and he’s the only ex of mine who does that. I have a lot of weird nightmares about him,so it freaks me out. I’m at the point in my life that I’m praying tomGod to please help my ex cuz I don’t understand why he’s always coming back.
Just building strong boundaries and have self respect and dignity for yourself. Block him from everywhere, the reason why he comes back is cause you allow that, he she's you as weak and he wants the cake and eat it too..
It's probably because you were the only solid relationship he's ever had. And you probably made him feel safe and secure even if he didn't show that to you.
I can relate as someone who lives in China and has epilepsy, and also doesn't speak the language. This created a on and off relationship due to safety for myself, yet was in a toxic relationship . Fear can be a bitch.
4 yes, 2 no, 1 maybe. Plus this is the 3rd time she's broken up with me and came back the previous times. I think there's good odds she comes back again. But damn, the all or nothing mentality is brutal
Don't chase she'll run further plus a woman will lose respect for you. It's like a double edge sword she'll feel you love her but in the process will lose respect. I'd rather have a woman respect me from a distance is better...
Mine broke up with me. I kept reaching out and finally she started texting a bit. I told her I missed her and all I got was AWW. I asked her if she thought we could get back together. Her response was no several times. She then said she could be friends. Yet she never reaches out. I believe she is just being nice. I tried to call her on the phone and she said she is not ready to talk. Anyone have any thoughts on this? She never would really talk about why our relationship ended. I should just move on but I’m hanging onto hope.
I gave my ex 2 years then I heard from her, I answered the phone & she said nothing so now I am done. I blocked her number. I don't have time for games. Iwas just feeling better then she calls & interrupted my peace.
I’m sorry but I think this is terrible, we are here protecting these avoidant people who are seriously mucked up in the head!!! What about the mental damage that these people do to us, we just seem to baby these people, they should be locked up, the damage and trauma my ex has caused me is unforgivable, he was monkey branching behind my back and I caught him cheating on me and walked away how can these people get away with this type of behaviour it’s disgusting borderline narcissistic their behaviours are, honestly I can’t believe some of these videos are so for the avoidant
My ex prob is FA and he is acting like a totally different person i knew in the past 7 yrs. So cruel , mean, emotional… and idk what happened as he kept complaining how bad i was and lots of cases those are not true. He seems victimise himself too
Fuck him. Trust me they get worse when you enable their fucked up actions. Some of them are kind gentle people struggling and some are all around bad people. Don't look for excuses as to why someone treats you poorly. Trauma doesn't give you a pass to treat others like shit. Nor does it excuse bad behavior. What's abuse? Stonewalling, blocking, blaming,yelling,testing partners, lying, trust issues projected onto a partner, cruelness, no communication, volitile nature, criticism, ignoring, cheating,and gaslighting. Which alot of them Do! Not all but most. They know they have issues yet still proceed to selfishly look for relationships.
This video is so good. Thanks so much Katya, for your good work and explanations! My Ex FA reached out to me (only indirectly) telling me he missed me. He reaches out to me since Dec 22 in this very indirect way every 3-4 weeks- only stalking me everywhere in the city and looking longingly and excusingly. We have now July 23. so that might be one of the reasons (miss so/loneliness) you explained.
Do they come back if you have been together for only 2 months and you were the one who was emotionally invested and he did a slow fade and you stood up for yourself and he came up with a stupid settlement and hinted that he wants to break up and within a month moved on with another girl? Is it possible?
Its disgusting me how much i want some kind of reassurance that i meant anything at all from a person who seemed willing to walk away constantly. The only thing that maintained was her insecurity from the beginning about believing i liked her and eventually loved her. She would find every reason possible even if she pulled it out of her ass to aggressively show me this evidence that i dont care somehow. I told her i was on her team and to talk to me instead of accusing me so i can hear how she feels instead of reacting to aggression. She took it as harsh criticism and just pulled away even more, becoming completely cold and indifferent about us. She seemed like she was in a constant state of giving up because i was running out of energy from reassuring her and fighting on a daily basis. I was becoming insecure but she had nothing to offer me from her fear of being exposed and hurt. Its been 45 days now of radio silence from both of us and i cant help but think what even fucking happened. Its hard to even process this or take anything away from it, i was slowly just drained until i had nothing left and discarded
Thanks for the question. You’re certainly welcome to book even if you’re not sure if your partner is fa(we can explore that together if you’d like. That said, is there a specific question / intention you have for booking a session?
@@KatyaMorozova I think I'm understanding him more, now that I've been listening to the videos, and see where I may have increased his insecurities by not being more attentive, that maybe I could give more to him what he needs (he wasn't that communicative before). I see myself as that supportive woman ... If I understand who I'm working with. Most situations from listeners are those who gave too much; I tend to feel I gave too little and would like to explore that.
No contact since 2020. Divorced in 2022. I've only reached out on occasions regarding the kids & she's ignored me so now she's alienated them from me & I haven't seen them kids since Christmas 2020. Got her blocked her on every platform. Now she's posting videos of our kids on her youtube page (which she's never done) 😅 Blocked (again) 😅 Peace tf out I don't have time for the bs
I recently got dumped by my FA ex-girlfriend because I lied to her. We broke up and I went NC with her for roughly 14days. She suddenly unfollowed me on IG after posting a story about sports. She told me several days later when she called that she did this because of something very very VERY minor (seasoning ingredients). So I'm currently "unfollowed" but not blocked. What should I think about this matter?
I don’t want my FA back this time. I got pregnant (planned) miscarried while on vacation together, you’d think he’d be there for you but he hasn’t been the same since. He broke it off with me. Came back a month later and now he’s gone again.. I’m moving on that is so hurtful.
Do not get pregnant again unless the man is worthy and would make a good father. You dodged a bullet...Do not bring a child into this world without help and support . You will damage that child.
She broke up with me 4 months ago she said i took her for granted she was right because of a past relationship i should of see this before so i did work on myself was easy fix i knew what to change..i didnt beg i only sent 2 text in those 4 months to say hi but she was angry didnt wanna talk so last week i sent a accountability letter hopefully ill hear from her but if i dont in weeks from now should i send a text to fallow up the letter or just ask her to go for a coffee maybe or do nothing...thank you 😊
No. Alot of times they project things and use excuses to leave. Anyone who doesn't respond to you, leave them. It sucks, been there with a horrible one who was cruel, mentally abusive, mean angry and aloof most of the time. Never took accountability, was a liar, and everything that makes a person bad. After breakup all he did was pine after some supposed friend and stonewall me and actually blame me for all his behavior. Then contacted me to tell me he left his rebound and loves me, and a week later contacted me with her and told me not to call him. Then had no Apology or answer, then came to my house with flowers and tried to sleep with me, then told me he can't give me what I want. Insane. Move on. It's hard but they suck. Domt look back
Never make the effort, it will only backfire on you. It's a sign of weakness and you keep losing more attention. You have to walk away ..... completely.
You make us seem so awful. I just learned i am a FA and i understand now what my issues have been. I dont think most of us even know why we act the way we do. I can sense the underlining contempt for fearful avoidants.😢
Because FAs are sensitive to their triggers, but insensitive to everyone else. Learn to communicate ur needs/boundaries so u dont give too much then resent the other person who had no idea ur struggling. They cant read ur mind...
I am 71 year old male and I am just now finding out that I might be a fearful avoidant or also called relationship cycle. I was with a woman for two years often on. I left her many times because I didn’t like some of the things That she said to me or how I was treated. I don’t know if that’s considered a fearful avoidant by leaving because you didn’t like being treated certain way and I wanted to get back this last time but she says that I have walked out too many times now, and we’re not getting back together. I will miss her. I just wish things would’ve been different that we could’ve talked things over.
They might not give up. But we should . It doesnt matter if you kove them. I REALLY loved VODKA. But i haven''t had a drink in 7 years cause it just might kill me 😆
I'm a little worried. My FA ex broke up with me and suggested we'd break contact for a while. I respected it. However, soon thereafter she started contacting me again. It started with sharing a negative experience she had, but after that she sent me lots of pictures, told me she missed me and wanted to call. When we called, she said she only contacted me for emotional support. She doubted whether that was ok. I told her I'd think about it. The next day I wrote her a way too long email. The gist of it was that as long as we're broken up, I'd prefer if she wouldn't contact me just for emotional support. However now I'm questioning if that was the right decision. I wanted to protect myself, but now I'm worried I pushed her away further. I'm thinking that if she really just texted me for emotional support, she wouldn't have said she missed me etc. So probably she just said that to avoid raising expectations. Amy ideas? Should I tell her it's ok to contact me for emotional support?
It all fits except we've been a couple for 37 years. First 33 were pretty damn good. All kinds of bad happened all at once starting with covid and menopause and she just ran away. Want's to just be "happy". Like magically "happy" w/o having to do the work. For her that includes a 5L box of wine a week,(that much she has told me, it's probably 2x that). I'm angry and she turned our kids that I adored as much as her against me too. I was a good dad. WHO WOULDN"T BE ANGRY? She has destroyed EVERYTHING we worked for. Now I am old with a broken body, a broken heart and a shattered spirit. Somehow, I'm supposed to start over. I didn't deserve this and am often suicidal but some days I'm OK. 4 years of being separated from everyone I love. It's like she isn't even the same person anymore. I would have never guessed such a beautiful person could become so ugly and downright cruel. Makes me think it was all just an act. My daughter left me out of her wedding and we were CLOSE. None of them even checked on me with even the doctor after I had spine surgery for a back I broke for them. No calls, no cards, not even a text for Father's day. How am I supposed to recover from that? What I'd like to know is who did I kill, hit or molest? I was a show up dad and the best dad I knew how to be. I really tried. I'll never love anyone ever again.
Do you know what meno-pause is and what it can do to women? If you look into it properly you will see why she behaved like that. It's a hormonal and mineral deficiency that continues to get worse with age if not treats properly. Some women can lose their minds. A lot lose their health and vigor their lust for life. Men don't understand this and even women don't fully get it unless it happens to them. Or thet are in denial.
I'm really really sorry that happened to you. I hope you can recover from this. Wish you all the best. Maybe try to contact your kids and explain your side of the story, If you didn't already. I don't know you or her but I'm sure you don't deserve this at all. Stay strong, search therapy and it's never over or too late to start a new life. If she can, you can too, even if it's horribly hard.
@@xXSaviXx Who knows what her or the children are doing? Everything is a "secret". I'm not entitled to know anything. It's all part of a game to them to see how badly they can make me hurt and just how close I come to suicide. I admit I come VERY CLOSE all the time including last night. I layed here and thought about how I should do it hoping I would fall asleep and quit crying. THEY WERE MY LIFE. I thought they were all so well adjusted and such good people. I ADORED my wife and told everyone she was the finest person I ever met. It was ALL NOTHING but a BIG FAT LIE. What a sucker I am. All 3 children have advanced degrees from a great university and have great careers. I MADE SURE OF THAT. I got hit by a damn car going 51 mph that didn't bother to stop. I have on going physical and brain injury problems as a result. THIS TIME I needed them to be here for me and they weren't. Do I sound angry like they say I am? Hell yes, I'm angry. I AM HURT that I was just discarded like trash when I was no longer needed. I've spent 10s of thousands of $ on therapy and it made it all worse. They aren't interested in putting any responsibility on anyone BUT ME bc I am the one that is angry and the others aren't interested in making amends. They all have each other, I have no one. WHO WOULDN'T BE ANGRY? My life is RUINED. "I can't control anyone but myself" right? That seems to be the message and that it's too bad for me and there is nothing I can do about it. "BUT, don't be angry".
Im a FA and i didnt identify with non of the reasons you mentioned. First of all, as a FA since i get to the conclusion im not safe in romantic relationship no matter if it because of being rejected or rejecting myself, there is no way to get back, its too scary and unsafe, to get back to trust and safety is extremely difficult to me. The reason i strive to get back into friendship is because i genuinely care and love this person, and not because he provided my romantic needs, but just because of who he is and the chemistry between us, the fact it didnt work too well in romantic relationship doesnt mean that i dont love him, it just means it didnt fit well enough. It seems quite strange to me to turn from full intimacy to be completely strangers, it doesnt feel right or healthy, and it brings the idea that feelings between people isnt a real thing but just a matter of needs being met. Second, im trying to stay in relationship with my ex's because i strive for positive and healthy perception on relationships in general. As a person who doesnt feel constant need for romantic relationships, i wouldnt like to believe that it all about needs and interests, i desire to think of it as a genuine connection between people that exist and can be maintained outside of the romantic context, otherwise the whole idea of creating the bond will feel out of point, selfish, and total waste of emotional energy, it will make me see relationships as a bad deal all together.
If thats the case Make friends , don't date Or go for ppl who wants casual dating or friends with benefits don't date ppl who are genuinely looking for a sustainable romantic relationship and try to impose your norms on them Or blame them for having emotional needs or for asking for emotional intimacy because that's obvious... Or at least ve clear from the start about what you can/can't give and it's up to them to accept or refuse But the reality is that you ppl start with lovebombs then withdraw leaving the addicted partner confused, drained and disappointed.. It's all about honesty and clear ,open communication..
@@TouTou22784 That's what I do. Although I can feel romantic love, I prefer effectively to live as a-romantic. That way no one get hurt, being alone is a very small price to pay
Trying to stay friends with an ex that still loves you, is unfair to that person and selfish about you. You can’t want to keep someone in your life and not take into consideration whether or not this person is okay or comfortable being around you or remaining friends.
@@RosieCeeV I quite got tired from people trying to make themselves feel good about abandoning and ignoring their "love of their life's" by explaining to me in a very cold down talk why it was for "the good of all parties" and any other thing is being "selfish". Look, there is attachment theory, I agree with it. Somehow it mixed up with western culture dating and relationships norms, and they are artificially "tied together" in those kind of videos. Only because attachment theory is scientific, doesn't mean that every little thing you hear along with it is also the scientific and "natural" best humans can and should do. Open your minds, stop being robots, acknowledge your assumptions and the possibility you are wrong, be logical when you reply, come on.
@@Nothing_Left_To_Say & who are you to be telling me to be open minded.. I have an FA & haven’t given up on him in 12 years. Know who you’re speaking to before you make assumptions and look stupid, that’s one. Two - if you want to talk about being open minded then you yourself need to learn how to be open minded & respectful of other people’s feelings and wants and boundaries. I’m sorry someone hurt you and made you feel like you are not lovable or whatever but don’t be out here projecting that onto others. Be logical before you assume everyone is out to talk bad about FAs. Some of us actually truly love our FAs and will stick by them. I was merely stating a fact, it does not Matter what your attachment style is; you can be as secure as ever but you cannot expect someone who once loved you or felt something for you to want to remain friends, not because you’re comfortable with it means the other person is. It’s called consideration & respecting people’s boundaries & feelings.
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My fa or fa former sex worker had recent red flags and I dumped her. Who knows what will happen
Mine did, and we’ve been happily married for six years. I was the one hesitant to get back together and did my share to botch our second chance.
After realizing or knowing more about her attachment style, What kind of conversation did you have with her about it?
Did she compromise with you?
@@Karll541 Wasn't sure if you were asking me or the original comment poster. As for me, I never heard back from her, so no compromise or talk happened. Now it's been ~4 months, and even if she gets back, I am not trying us again.
@@bobbyclair386 ok. It seems compromise isn’t possible
@@Karll541 Maybe or maybe not. In my case it isn't anymore. But your or someone else's case might be different. Wishing you well regardless :)
Mine came back, things were great (she even said ‘the best they’ve ever been’) and then left again out of the blue!
Yup!!! He came back and initiated a relationship and a month later said he wasn’t ready for one but still wanted to keep seeing me. I walked away and am trying to be stron
@@audreyreidling3654 That’s the worst part! They breadcrumb you, keep you hanging on hoping they’ll change their mind. But all it does is stop us from moving on fully. 8 months still my ex left out of the blue and I’m still low key waiting for a text from her one day!
I'm sorry. It must be painful
@@MsCLAUDIANL Not gonna lie. Its been pretty brutal. I'm done with her but every day I find myself wondering if she'll reach out and that makes it harder to complety move on.
This has been happening to me over the pass 4 years. You aren't alone.
Avoidants are the scourge of relationships. Especially the ones who are in denial about their core wounds and traumas.
The FA currently making me sad has vented to me a number of times that people have called him avoidant and that it infuriates him. Yet he regularly quips how his biggest gift and curse is not being remotely emotionally vulnerable. Like… connect the dots, man.
Everyone has a right to feel safe in a relationship, not just the avoidant who in general makes their partner feel anything but with the shit they pull🤷🏼♂️
FA who was pursuing me kept inserting me into these intensely intimate imaginary scenarios and then pivoting in the next breath to another dude.
“Come down here to visit and we’ll make out. Actually, I’m already here with a guy friend. I’m tempted.”
The last straw was suggesting we share a bed together somewhere, then immediately started talking about the spooning position preferences of some FWB that apparently they still keep on standby.
Like, sorry, I know intimacy is threatening to you, but you are not going to shove me into these aggressively intimate scenarios of your own creation and then use some other guy as your buffer. Feels like discarding and negging me out of your own insecurity.
They talk about how crazy-making and what a rollercoaster ride the fearful avoidant push-pull is, but they don’t often mention that you can witness manifestations of it happen in such a short span of time. Total emotional whiplash.
Who has the resilience to spend their time tiptoeing around these people’s behaviors?
The last reason (impulse) was definitely why mine came back. I had reached out and asked her to give us another shot and then went no contact, and she texted me a few weeks later. We got together, but she said she wasn't ready to be exclusive just yet... but then invited me on a vacation with her. We went on the vacation, had an amazing time, but she noticeably avoided any kind of vulnerable conversations. Then a few weeks later she ghosted me. Once I finally met up with her for closure, she said that felt like "something was missing," and that "she just didn't feel sure," and also revealed that she was now seeing someone else. Well, obviously she wasn't going to feel sure when she was keeping her options open, and obviously something was gonna be missing if she isn't allowing intimate conversations.
Just a bunch of wasted time from an impulsive person with no regard for the harm it causes others.
Man, a lot of these are pretty spot on with my fearful avoidant ex, we had a awesome relationship for a year, we broke up and she re-entered into my life two weeks later, she was completely different and played games for a while, we recently had an explosive argument and haven’t spoken to each other in about three weeks.
At least I know now if she is ever to return back into my life, I know to look out for a lot of these things.
What’s scary about it, Is it really just sounds like this type of style or attachment is just overall toxic.
Been back and forth with her for 4 yrs. She has ran away 3 times. Last time we got back together we got married. Came home this week and her stuff was gone. We were stressed in business and money. The morning she left everything seemed great. 😢
i'm so sorry my reltaoinship with FA was a little rocky due to pregnancy complications and stress and has run away 3 times too and moved out this time we didn't live together previously. so devastated.
That's their style...Im
Sorry
As an FA... Im also shocked by how crazy that is.
Not all of us...
@@Leispadaattachment styles are on a spectrum. You might not be as severe of a fa as other people
Holy crap, that is horrible. Mine left me after four years, came back, and then after eight years, we married. Three months later, she left.
To be honest they will never say the truth of coming back
It's always that grass on the other side of the fence. It's not any greener.
@@mikegarrens5286 most of the time the reason is not genuine and the second time doesn't feel genuine as well 😌
I think I have fearful avoidant attachment and these thoughts have definitely motivated my actions, mostly subconsciously.
Thank you for sharing that these apply to your experience as an FA.
Well this won't apply to me due to the fact I block her on everything. To be honest majority of them do not change. They really don't. You let them back and after while the same behaviors. Eyes forward and move forward. It sucks but you really fall in love with a potential of them. When they do come back it again is out of selfishness.
Agreed.
It's hard for us partners to see our avoidents act like this, because we love them right? I am less critical, because they are conflicted in their subconscious, so thier flakey, love you one day, run the next is only a behaviour bought on by stress. A good therapist should be able to neutralize it, you hope.
We DO change. We just have to want to. I just recently found out that I've been and FA all of my younger life and now as an older adult, I've been learning so much through therapy and becoming more secure. So we can change, but it's up to the FA on if they want that change and healing.
They're like smoke... and evaporate into the air.
@@Sandyjbeaches Thanks so much for sharing, & for your strength & courage also in choosing to change & working on it. What made you decide to grow? What sort of work do you find helpful, or not? And how long does this take pls?
My soulmate is FA & we’re in no contact that I initiated 20 days ago cos I felt a text was dismissive & disrespectful - before only finding out this weekend from videos that he’s FA.
Do you have advice pls on whether & how I should end NC? I don’t want to hurt him. But since we started already, if it helps him to reflect & grow, perhaps I should wait? When would you guess he’s reflected enough to decide and reach out? We have a deep connection, he loves me but it’s complex, & he’s attempted some healing.
It’s sobering to learn of the pain he’s been in his whole life, & daunting as it is, I want to help him gain his true freedom from it, & live life.
After my FA broke up with me, I went no contact for two weeks (without knowing that NC is a thing) after these two weeks I contacted her asking if we could talk now. In the call she said that she glad that I reached out and that we can have this conversation because she felt “INCOMPLETE”. Exactly what you mentioned in the video. After she said that I knew that the closure conversation is more for her thank for me getting answers.
Since she now feels complete, I guess she never will come back.
my i believe FA came back almost a month ago after almost 2 years of no contact. I personally believe she has ulterior motives. I do not trust her because of how badly things ended. Whats crazy is when we broke up we tried being friends and it felt like she put more effort into friendship than being in a relationship. I think she messaged me because she maybe moving somewhere near by and is looking for a safety net and thinks because of our past I would be that net. I personally ignored the phone call and did not open the message so she did not see it was read.
Thanks for sharing a little bit about your situation.
Smart man! Avoid the avoidant
They come for support. Emotional. Financial. Physical. And then they drop you when you can't give anymore
The part about the mother also being a fearful avoidant is something that hits hard as, I visited some realtives in mexico last month that i have just met for the first time at 23 years old, they asked about life of course I brought up my ex as I met her during my studies in japan recently and when I showed a photo of her, my dads uncle he said that "this girl has a hard life due to the fault of her parents." Before this interaction all he knew was that I just told him i got back from japan couple months ago no one told him about me having a girlfriend so that just hit like damm... and with this video to its just, hard as she was the one that broke up with me a month into us being long distance and I took it terribly, and and wow just wow it was 4 months ago now the breakup but still would love to work things out with her one day ive told her that and the left the invitation on her table.
Resonates a lot. Ex came back multiple times in the first few years of the relationship. She has rebounded with someone else this time and it's been a few months, so no idea what to expect this time around
I’m glad it resonated. Thanks for letting me know.
how’s it going ?
Run.
It is rarely made clear that Fearful Avoidant and Disorganised are coterminous. This is helpful, interesting and, as always, lucid. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
I’m glad somebody else stated this. I’ve been confused as heck trying to somehow define someone as a DA or an FA. I thought I was going nuts trying desperately to understand the differences. It’s the first time anybody has said there’s a definite crossover of DA/FA attachment types.
Blocker everywhere. Give yourself time and move on. The reality is they didn’t do the work and had issues in the first place, and people with the best of intentions cannot change in months. It usually takes years. Don’t fall for this trap, go no contact and move on
I would hope to think that people who are quick to agree with this comment can take a few extra minutes to understand that every situation is unique and the time and effort is obviously going to vary, possibly on a huge scale of far apart extremes. If you both love eachother and can accept trying out some sort of therapy and gaining a greater understanding of each other's feelings, psychiatry of the other, all in genuine heart of loving intent, you may have the best rest of your life with that person. We all need work. Unfortunately, too many people dismiss their own issues for a lifetime and die silently miserable in the end.
You're always so well-informed and personable, Katya. Forever thanks x
Thank you for the sweet compliment! And thanks for watching my videos. 🤗
Great video! 3:30. Perfect! My BPD ex should ne watching this!! 😅
I have spent hundreds of hours researching this to understand after being ghosted 5 months ago. I am coming to the conclusion, "who has the bigger problem. The FA or us heartbroken secures that want them back?"
My ex has left and come back over the past 20 years we married for 5 years he left and came back several times after the divorce Always with promises it wouldn’t happen again.
Very good explanation, makes sense. I’m waiting to see if she reaches out during a no contact? Things were going good, and she pulled back abruptly.
He broke up with me 4 times already. The last breakup was horrible as well, i was in a very needy place. , I have no more hope 😢
Your avoident can make you anxious and that in turn will push him away, too much emotional energy scares them, they cannot take needy people because they know they can't give you what you need, they don't enjoy dealing with it - it threatens the freedom they love. If you lean in closer he'll run. You have to get yourself up and healed! See a therapist.
It's already 8 month, did he comeback to you?
@saudlukmanofficial3793 yes and we broke up 3 times since 🤣😅 right now again in a break up 😥 starting to think he needs an exorcist
@@ikkarus87 yeah, i think my avoidant ex really needs an exorcist too🤣🤣🤣
My ex was anxious attachment during the relationship,but acted fearful avoidant after the breakup & yesterday said that they would like to remain friends.
He keeps showing up where I’m at.
I’m still blocked on social media & I think on his phone.
He’s a cancer ♋️ btw.
Fast forward a few days…
I am no longer blocked & my ex is slowly coming back.
I can’t go into details about their personal mental state but that also makes things a whole lot more complex.
They’re very sensitive.
Things are looking up though.
It’s a push & pull but it’s better than what it was.
Mine is cancer too and have this pattern of searching for me where and when he knows he can find me on a specific street, used to do this also while together and after he verbalized this, we started to meet up before his morning shift. He did this twice after 3-4 weeks from breaking up (he broke up), stopping and still emotional. Then another months going MIA, then again showed up litteraly stopping in the middle of a roundabout, unsure what to do, staring at me 😢😅 and then decided he couldn't handle coming, then we had an argument but he was cold and distant (looked in a complete deactivation mode, no emotions), then showed up 4 days later saying hi only with his hand, bumped into him unintentionally 2 days later, both driving home one night, I said Hi and he turned towards me and could only raise his hand and looked like stoned or if he has seen a ghost and now no signs for 2 weeks...he has shut down hard to the point that he can't even talk to me.
I'm FA too but more secure, had lots of positive experiences here and there since University so I've got better; he hasn't and he's full of fears/wounds
Well, my FA is never coming back then... because one of the main reasons be broke up with me is because I did ask a lot of him emotionally. After a lot of fights in our relationship over his inability to be empathetic, i became emotionally dependent on him when i saw him starting to try to support me.
But it got to a point where it didnt matter what i did, everything i did was taken as a negative. He kept asking for more and more and more space, and he was disrespecting me and I was tired of always having to tiptoe around his anger. So the night he dumped me i stopped giving him space because i was fed up with him blaming his rage issues on me. I was done.
So I dont think i made him feel safe anymore. And i did ask a lot from him emotionally.
I dont think he'll ever come back. And im just trying to remind myself thag i deserve better and so this is a good thing, as much as i miss him now.
Any update? I think mine is finally done with me after 5 years 💔
Can you make a video on FA cheaters/monkey branching - who never have shame, guilt or any of it? The FAs who literally have 2 secret lives/boyfriends.
My FA ex did this. Sucks
This sounds like a narcissist I don’t know the difference
Mine had so many exes as well as sexual partners. In the relationship she was always texting guys, most didn't even know she had a bf. They emotionally cheat.
13:17
Well if that's how she is you don't need a video for that. Just leave her!
Thank you Katya, this was clarifying and relieving. Because I ignored my FA ex's last reach out, after he had sporadically contacted me for 1.5 year after the break up, giving me false hope. I wanted to protect my heart. So this time I didn't reply to his messages and call, 3 months ago and since then I've doubted my decision. But this reminded me that was probably his anxiety and nostalgia in the moment, and he wasn't offering anything or saying he regretted his decision, just that he still carried the love I gave him despite he was not alway that nice. or it didn't work out and he was curious how I am doing. Some coaches say in that situation to let the ex (dumper) try again until he says something significant, to see how serious they are. Do you share that stance?
He's just not that into you and has too many issues. Move on.
My fearful avoiding called me and told me I was the best lover she ever had and we planned a meet up she snuck in an I love you at the end of the call(I said it back) then she canceled the date and we have only texted a bit since… why would she deactivate when she’s the one who came on strong? Some context: she has been seeing a rebound but I’m not sure if they’re official.
After 6 months of on and off again dating my avoidant ex monkey branched me, then popped up 4 moths later and acted as if nothing had happened and said she missed me. After letting her know I was hurt by what she did, she apologized, then a few days later we talked about going to dinner and she said she was looking forward to seeing me but we didn’t set a date. A week after that, without saying anything she unilaterally blocked me on everything. I’m completely over her at this point. Adios, not my problem anymore.
Many FA's are in a constant struggle to maintain power in a relationship. Getting you to say I love you could have been a move to regulate her emotions, confirm she still has you pocketed, and ensure the power dynamic is still in her favor. Once she was grounded in this, she can then continue being one-sided and meet her other needs elsewhere. Just my opinion.
Oh hell no. You have to hold high standards for yourself. If she reaches out again be clear and succinct in telling her that she hurt you and you won't stand for that behaviour - it has to be a serious shared commitment to start over otherwise remain NC
My FA/DA ex for two weeks now ridiculed me for saying I love you (all the time) to my children, family members, and close friends. He said why am I forcing him to say I love you to me every time before we hang up the phone. He said he is not like that and why I keep saying I live to everyone else when I don't mean it!! What??!!😮😢💔😭😢😫☹️
Three to four resonated with me. Thankfully it was positive
I was trying to work out exactly what attachment style my ex is. She has been hovering on my social media for 17 months since the break up. Reaching out as late as Christmas just gone. Some of these points may help explain what is going on.
Did they reach out? and after how long?
literally every reason is a possibility in my case
Thankyou for that info. Every little bit helps.
Happy to help!
Thank you for this video...My FA hasn't reached out since 2 wks ago, but I feel she could fall into all of the reasons. but, primarily the feel safe, sense of regret. not sure about fear of being alone, however she is 57. We were 3 yr, 8 mos...I'm hoping she would come back for closure, because I could use that too. unexpected ending with no talk about working it out...this has been a challenging last 4 weeks....
Any update?
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
How long did it take you guys for them to come back??
Am on a no contact since April 4 th 2022,
Me too
I am heartbroken 💔 i was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant for 2 months before he broke it off and says he is afraid of hurting me. He was also scared of my love because he says the love between us is asymmetrical. He also said I was intense because I asked too many questions about the relationship. How could I not? He would disappear for 2-3 days. I don’t know what he wants out of the relationship. And in the 2 months, we’ve only met 3 times in person. I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what’s really bothering him.
It’s been 15 days since we last texted. I miss him. I hope he is doing okay.
Will he ever come back..? He told me to forget about him and move on. 😢😢😢 my heart aches so much.
So sorry you have to go through this. "My" fearful avoidant was only a friendship, but it still hurts like hell and I want him back. He ghosted me out of the blue. It's been two month now. Hope your partner finds the guts to come back.
You might want to look up anxious attachment for yourself. It’s not all him.
How did it work out in the end? I would say be happy not being severely destroyed by that person. People usually do not change. He is like that way. How does it make you feel?
@@andyrandy0815 hi andy, thanks the comment.
After all these months, I learned to live with the scars that this relationship left. Im no longer hurting, but there’s this dull ache that comes sometimes when I pass by the street that leads to his house, or thinking about the kittens that we rescued.
I think the one thing that I’m grateful for is that he never reached out to me again. And I remembered the nights grieving, and the sobriety in the morning knowing that I’ll never see him again still haunts me today. I was also counting down the days to his birthday, hoping that I could wish him and talk to him then. Hoping to get a response. No matter how insignificant.
I’m much happier now, lighter. It took a lot of accepting to be able to be on my feet again. By accepting, means knowing that I’ve got parts to work on myself, and taking life one breath at a time. Working on my self bit by bit. Keeping a journal, lots of introspection.
It was a really confusing experience, but one that I made me stronger.
His birthday is coming up soon. I’d be lying if I say I no longer want to reach out. But instead I’ll wish him the best from a far, hoping that he could finally accept the love that he deserves.
Thanks for asking :)
I met one of my exes when I was 21 and he was 29 and he broke up with me and yet he always comes back and I will never understand why he always comes back. I just turned 30yrs old and he just came back again🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🥴 it’s been like that since i met him and he’s the only ex of mine who does that. I have a lot of weird nightmares about him,so it freaks me out. I’m at the point in my life that I’m praying tomGod to please help my ex cuz I don’t understand why he’s always coming back.
Just building strong boundaries and have self respect and dignity for yourself. Block him from everywhere, the reason why he comes back is cause you allow that, he she's you as weak and he wants the cake and eat it too..
It's probably because you were the only solid relationship he's ever had. And you probably made him feel safe and secure even if he didn't show that to you.
I can relate as someone who lives in China and has epilepsy, and also doesn't speak the language. This created a on and off relationship due to safety for myself, yet was in a toxic relationship . Fear can be a bitch.
I hope she comes back. It’s been 4 months, and 1 month of NC 😢😢
4 yes, 2 no, 1 maybe. Plus this is the 3rd time she's broken up with me and came back the previous times.
I think there's good odds she comes back again.
But damn, the all or nothing mentality is brutal
Don't chase she'll run further plus a woman will lose respect for you. It's like a double edge sword she'll feel you love her but in the process will lose respect. I'd rather have a woman respect me from a distance is better...
Coming to 5 months, they have not come back.
Any update?
Consider yourself lucky. You don't need them.
@@SHAYBR33 yes, happy and free 😁
That's fantastic!
Mine broke up with me. I kept reaching out and finally she started texting a bit. I told her I missed her and all I got was AWW. I asked her if she thought we could get back together. Her response was no several times. She then said she could be friends. Yet she never reaches out. I believe she is just being nice. I tried to call her on the phone and she said she is not ready to talk. Anyone have any thoughts on this? She never would really talk about why our relationship ended. I should just move on but I’m hanging onto hope.
Move on, avoidants are to be avoided.
Please move on most of them are soulless
@@yamieden4350 I think she is a covert narcissist also
Does not sound like a FA, more like a DA.
She’s a covert narcissist I have it all figured out.
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Thankful for this video, thank you!
Great content!
I gave my ex 2 years then I heard from her, I answered the phone & she said nothing so now I am done. I blocked her number. I don't have time for games. Iwas just feeling better then she calls & interrupted my peace.
I’m sorry but I think this is terrible, we are here protecting these avoidant people who are seriously mucked up in the head!!! What about the mental damage that these people do to us, we just seem to baby these people, they should be locked up, the damage and trauma my ex has caused me is unforgivable, he was monkey branching behind my back and I caught him cheating on me and walked away how can these people get away with this type of behaviour it’s disgusting borderline narcissistic their behaviours are, honestly I can’t believe some of these videos are so for the avoidant
It's to absolve people's of accountability. And to perpetuate a cycle of trauma. Never ends...
My ex prob is FA and he is acting like a totally different person i knew in the past 7 yrs. So cruel , mean, emotional… and idk what happened as he kept complaining how bad i was and lots of cases those are not true. He seems victimise himself too
Fuck him. Trust me they get worse when you enable their fucked up actions. Some of them are kind gentle people struggling and some are all around bad people. Don't look for excuses as to why someone treats you poorly. Trauma doesn't give you a pass to treat others like shit. Nor does it excuse bad behavior. What's abuse? Stonewalling, blocking, blaming,yelling,testing partners, lying, trust issues projected onto a partner, cruelness, no communication, volitile nature, criticism, ignoring, cheating,and gaslighting. Which alot of them Do! Not all but most. They know they have issues yet still proceed to selfishly look for relationships.
Sounds Narky
This video is so good. Thanks so much Katya, for your good work and explanations! My Ex FA reached out to me (only indirectly) telling me he missed me. He reaches out to me since Dec 22 in this very indirect way every 3-4 weeks- only stalking me everywhere in the city and looking longingly and excusingly. We have now July 23. so that might be one of the reasons (miss so/loneliness) you explained.
You're so welcome! I’m glad you found helpful.
Another typical sign of FA: stalk you here and there or bump into you "unintentionally" where and when they know you are in that place 😂😅😅
Do they come back if you have been together for only 2 months and you were the one who was emotionally invested and he did a slow fade and you stood up for yourself and he came up with a stupid settlement and hinted that he wants to break up and within a month moved on with another girl? Is it possible?
Its disgusting me how much i want some kind of reassurance that i meant anything at all from a person who seemed willing to walk away constantly. The only thing that maintained was her insecurity from the beginning about believing i liked her and eventually loved her. She would find every reason possible even if she pulled it out of her ass to aggressively show me this evidence that i dont care somehow. I told her i was on her team and to talk to me instead of accusing me so i can hear how she feels instead of reacting to aggression. She took it as harsh criticism and just pulled away even more, becoming completely cold and indifferent about us. She seemed like she was in a constant state of giving up because i was running out of energy from reassuring her and fighting on a daily basis. I was becoming insecure but she had nothing to offer me from her fear of being exposed and hurt. Its been 45 days now of radio silence from both of us and i cant help but think what even fucking happened. Its hard to even process this or take anything away from it, i was slowly just drained until i had nothing left and discarded
PHANTOM EX!! ❤
Would we book with you if we're not sure the ex is a fearful avoidant?
Thanks for the question. You’re certainly welcome to book even if you’re not sure if your partner is fa(we can explore that together if you’d like. That said, is there a specific question / intention you have for booking a session?
@@KatyaMorozova I think I'm understanding him more, now that I've been listening to the videos, and see where I may have increased his insecurities by not being more attentive, that maybe I could give more to him what he needs (he wasn't that communicative before). I see myself as that supportive woman ... If I understand who I'm working with. Most situations from listeners are those who gave too much; I tend to feel I gave too little and would like to explore that.
No contact since 2020. Divorced in 2022. I've only reached out on occasions regarding the kids & she's ignored me so now she's alienated them from me & I haven't seen them kids since Christmas 2020. Got her blocked her on every platform. Now she's posting videos of our kids on her youtube page (which she's never done) 😅 Blocked (again) 😅 Peace tf out I don't have time for the bs
My ex came back asked me how I was doing and talked about how her depression was practically gone. Then she ghosted me ?
Mines left and kept texting me he wanted to come & talk about stuff and that he’s not trying to ghost me,then ghosted me 🙄😳
😂
I recently got dumped by my FA ex-girlfriend because I lied to her. We broke up and I went NC with her for roughly 14days. She suddenly unfollowed me on IG after posting a story about sports. She told me several days later when she called that she did this because of something very very VERY minor (seasoning ingredients). So I'm currently "unfollowed" but not blocked. What should I think about this matter?
You deserve someone who's sure about you!
I don’t want my FA back this time. I got pregnant (planned) miscarried while on vacation together, you’d think he’d be there for you but he hasn’t been the same since. He broke it off with me. Came back a month later and now he’s gone again..
I’m moving on that is so hurtful.
Do not get pregnant again unless the man is worthy and would make a good father. You dodged a bullet...Do not bring a child into this world without help and support . You will damage that child.
She broke up with me 4 months ago she said i took her for granted she was right because of a past relationship i should of see this before so i did work on myself was easy fix i knew what to change..i didnt beg i only sent 2 text in those 4 months to say hi but she was angry didnt wanna talk so last week i sent a accountability letter hopefully ill hear from her but if i dont in weeks from now should i send a text to fallow up the letter or just ask her to go for a coffee maybe or do nothing...thank you 😊
No. Alot of times they project things and use excuses to leave. Anyone who doesn't respond to you, leave them. It sucks, been there with a horrible one who was cruel, mentally abusive, mean angry and aloof most of the time. Never took accountability, was a liar, and everything that makes a person bad. After breakup all he did was pine after some supposed friend and stonewall me and actually blame me for all his behavior. Then contacted me to tell me he left his rebound and loves me, and a week later contacted me with her and told me not to call him. Then had no Apology or answer, then came to my house with flowers and tried to sleep with me, then told me he can't give me what I want. Insane. Move on. It's hard but they suck. Domt look back
@@yamieden4350 that was nearly exactly the thing I experienced with my Ex FA.
Never make the effort, it will only backfire on you. It's a sign of weakness and you keep losing more attention. You have to walk away ..... completely.
I think it's the same reasons for anyone
Pretty much 🤣 the labels are the new trend. Theyll change again in ten years time. BS!
@@jessicahitchens6926 yes lol when you spend enough time on this planet it gets pretty obvious 😜
Truth!
🙌
My ex girlfriend would breakup and get back together with me 22 times. It was exhausting
You actually counting that is funny as heck 😂 I didn’t count how many mines came crawling back even if I tried to block him on everything
Did they block you too?
So you got back together with her 22 times? Why?
You make us seem so awful. I just learned i am a FA and i understand now what my issues have been. I dont think most of us even know why we act the way we do. I can sense the underlining contempt for fearful avoidants.😢
FA’s hurt a lot of people so it’s not really a surprise that others aren’t too kind.
You guys are awful. Get therapy n be secure
Because FAs are sensitive to their triggers, but insensitive to everyone else. Learn to communicate ur needs/boundaries so u dont give too much then resent the other person who had no idea ur struggling. They cant read ur mind...
@@thomasduane6821EXACTLY
I am 71 year old male and I am just now finding out that I might be a fearful avoidant or also called relationship cycle. I was with a woman for two years often on. I left her many times because I didn’t like some of the things That she said to me or how I was treated. I don’t know if that’s considered a fearful avoidant by leaving because you didn’t like being treated certain way and I wanted to get back this last time but she says that I have walked out too many times now, and we’re not getting back together. I will miss her. I just wish things would’ve been different that we could’ve talked things over.
If they are simple things, yes you are someone who doesn’t like to communicate and fix problems. If things are really heavy then you should move on.
I’m the wife and l have a feeling he has a rebound
They don’t just give up
They might not give up. But we should . It doesnt matter if you kove them. I REALLY loved VODKA. But i haven''t had a drink in 7 years cause it just might kill me 😆
I'm a little worried. My FA ex broke up with me and suggested we'd break contact for a while. I respected it.
However, soon thereafter she started contacting me again. It started with sharing a negative experience she had, but after that she sent me lots of pictures, told me she missed me and wanted to call.
When we called, she said she only contacted me for emotional support. She doubted whether that was ok. I told her I'd think about it.
The next day I wrote her a way too long email. The gist of it was that as long as we're broken up, I'd prefer if she wouldn't contact me just for emotional support.
However now I'm questioning if that was the right decision. I wanted to protect myself, but now I'm worried I pushed her away further. I'm thinking that if she really just texted me for emotional support, she wouldn't have said she missed me etc. So probably she just said that to avoid raising expectations.
Amy ideas? Should I tell her it's ok to contact me for emotional support?
I am a fearful avoidant leaning anxious and you need to set clear boundaries. You did the right thing. Always have your best interest at heart first.
To the FAs who are doing work I salute you. To the selfish horrible ones. F You
What kind of psycho looks for emotional support from the person they dumped? Tell them you're willing to go to therapy with them; they need it
It all fits except we've been a couple for 37 years. First 33 were pretty damn good. All kinds of bad happened all at once starting with covid and menopause and she just ran away. Want's to just be "happy". Like magically "happy" w/o having to do the work. For her that includes a 5L box of wine a week,(that much she has told me, it's probably 2x that). I'm angry and she turned our kids that I adored as much as her against me too. I was a good dad. WHO WOULDN"T BE ANGRY? She has destroyed EVERYTHING we worked for. Now I am old with a broken body, a broken heart and a shattered spirit. Somehow, I'm supposed to start over. I didn't deserve this and am often suicidal but some days I'm OK. 4 years of being separated from everyone I love. It's like she isn't even the same person anymore. I would have never guessed such a beautiful person could become so ugly and downright cruel. Makes me think it was all just an act. My daughter left me out of her wedding and we were CLOSE. None of them even checked on me with even the doctor after I had spine surgery for a back I broke for them. No calls, no cards, not even a text for Father's day. How am I supposed to recover from that? What I'd like to know is who did I kill, hit or molest? I was a show up dad and the best dad I knew how to be. I really tried. I'll never love anyone ever again.
Do you know what meno-pause is and what it can do to women? If you look into it properly you will see why she behaved like that. It's a hormonal and mineral deficiency that continues to get worse with age if not treats properly. Some women can lose their minds. A lot lose their health and vigor their lust for life. Men don't understand this and even women don't fully get it unless it happens to them. Or thet are in denial.
Treated*
Go to a osteopath and homepath if possible. Talk to a grief counselor.
I'm really really sorry that happened to you. I hope you can recover from this. Wish you all the best. Maybe try to contact your kids and explain your side of the story, If you didn't already. I don't know you or her but I'm sure you don't deserve this at all. Stay strong, search therapy and it's never over or too late to start a new life. If she can, you can too, even if it's horribly hard.
@@xXSaviXx Who knows what her or the children are doing? Everything is a "secret". I'm not entitled to know anything. It's all part of a game to them to see how badly they can make me hurt and just how close I come to suicide. I admit I come VERY CLOSE all the time including last night. I layed here and thought about how I should do it hoping I would fall asleep and quit crying. THEY WERE MY LIFE. I thought they were all so well adjusted and such good people. I ADORED my wife and told everyone she was the finest person I ever met. It was ALL NOTHING but a BIG FAT LIE. What a sucker I am. All 3 children have advanced degrees from a great university and have great careers. I MADE SURE OF THAT. I got hit by a damn car going 51 mph that didn't bother to stop. I have on going physical and brain injury problems as a result. THIS TIME I needed them to be here for me and they weren't. Do I sound angry like they say I am? Hell yes, I'm angry. I AM HURT that I was just discarded like trash when I was no longer needed. I've spent 10s of thousands of $ on therapy and it made it all worse. They aren't interested in putting any responsibility on anyone BUT ME bc I am the one that is angry and the others aren't interested in making amends. They all have each other, I have no one. WHO WOULDN'T BE ANGRY? My life is RUINED. "I can't control anyone but myself" right? That seems to be the message and that it's too bad for me and there is nothing I can do about it. "BUT, don't be angry".
Im a FA and i didnt identify with non of the reasons you mentioned.
First of all, as a FA since i get to the conclusion im not safe in romantic relationship no matter if it because of being rejected or rejecting myself, there is no way to get back, its too scary and unsafe, to get back to trust and safety is extremely difficult to me.
The reason i strive to get back into friendship is because i genuinely care and love this person, and not because he provided my romantic needs, but just because of who he is and the chemistry between us, the fact it didnt work too well in romantic relationship doesnt mean that i dont love him, it just means it didnt fit well enough. It seems quite strange to me to turn from full intimacy to be completely strangers, it doesnt feel right or healthy, and it brings the idea that feelings between people isnt a real thing but just a matter of needs being met.
Second, im trying to stay in relationship with my ex's because i strive for positive and healthy perception on relationships in general. As a person who doesnt feel constant need for romantic relationships, i wouldnt like to believe that it all about needs and interests, i desire to think of it as a genuine connection between people that exist and can be maintained outside of the romantic context, otherwise the whole idea of creating the bond will feel out of point, selfish, and total waste of emotional energy, it will make me see relationships as a bad deal all together.
If thats the case Make friends , don't date
Or go for ppl who wants casual dating or friends with benefits don't date ppl who are genuinely looking for a sustainable romantic relationship and try to impose your norms on them Or blame them for having emotional needs or for asking for emotional intimacy because that's obvious...
Or at least ve clear from the start about what you can/can't give and it's up to them to accept or refuse
But the reality is that you ppl start with lovebombs then withdraw leaving the addicted partner confused, drained and disappointed..
It's all about honesty and clear ,open communication..
@@TouTou22784
That's what I do. Although I can feel romantic love, I prefer effectively to live as a-romantic. That way no one get hurt, being alone is a very small price to pay
Trying to stay friends with an ex that still loves you, is unfair to that person and selfish about you. You can’t want to keep someone in your life and not take into consideration whether or not this person is okay or comfortable being around you or remaining friends.
@@RosieCeeV
I quite got tired from people trying to make themselves feel good about abandoning and ignoring their "love of their life's" by explaining to me in a very cold down talk why it was for "the good of all parties" and any other thing is being "selfish".
Look, there is attachment theory, I agree with it. Somehow it mixed up with western culture dating and relationships norms, and they are artificially "tied together" in those kind of videos.
Only because attachment theory is scientific, doesn't mean that every little thing you hear along with it is also the scientific and "natural" best humans can and should do. Open your minds, stop being robots, acknowledge your assumptions and the possibility you are wrong, be logical when you reply, come on.
@@Nothing_Left_To_Say & who are you to be telling me to be open minded.. I have an FA & haven’t given up on him in 12 years. Know who you’re speaking to before you make assumptions and look stupid, that’s one.
Two - if you want to talk about being open minded then you yourself need to learn how to be open minded & respectful of other people’s feelings and wants and boundaries. I’m sorry someone hurt you and made you feel like you are not lovable or whatever but don’t be out here projecting that onto others. Be logical before you assume everyone is out to talk bad about FAs. Some of us actually truly love our FAs and will stick by them.
I was merely stating a fact, it does not
Matter what your attachment style is; you can be as secure as ever but you cannot expect someone who once loved you or felt something for you to want to remain friends, not because you’re comfortable with it means the other person is. It’s called consideration & respecting people’s boundaries & feelings.
13:17
Wasted 5years of my life becuz of him lol bye felicia , no mas 😉
This just shows FAs in such a bad light.
/\_diuciuli kep vi ce
This was so helpful. Thank you!