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THIS Is What the Fearful Avoidant Experiences During No CONTACT
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ส.ค. 2024
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Have you recently come out of a breakup with somebody in a relationship dynamic who is very hot and cold? In today's video, Thais Gibson shares what a fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style) experiences during no contact. Watch now to find out what no contact actually is and the 4 stages a fearful avoidant typically experiences..
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Repair Any Relationship", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:35 - What Is No Contact
00:03:34 - A Sense Of Freedom/Relief
00:05:46 - IAT Promo: Sign Up Now!
00:06:42 - Ambivalence
00:07:38 - Start Missing The Ex
00:09:32 - 7-Day Free Trial: How To Repair Any Relationship Course
00:10:14 - Re-bonding Stage
00:11:50 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #FearfulAvoidantCourse #DisorganizedAttachment #DisorganizedAttachmentStyle #FearfulAvoidantBreakup #FearfulAvoidantNoContact #NoContact
FA here. I blow hot and cold because I’m terrified that the person I’m absolutely obsessed with isn’t a secure and safe place to relax and fully give all my feelings to. There isn’t anyone else. It’s counterproductive and I know it, it’s just so scary to think they’ll leave first for whatever reason or other. The no-contact is relieving in the moment (at least I won’t have to worry about it; by this time I would have built up so much anxiety about losing my person), numbing, distancing, then a “I feel secure now. They’re amazing, I want them back”. Then as I get more comfortable and want to open up… GOTTA BLAST! I actually hate being alone but I’m scared of being left alone. If that makes sense. I’m working on it because I know this is painful for them as well.
So glad to hear that you are aware of this pattern and that you are working on it. Check out Paulien Timmer's TH-cam channel, which is devoted to healing Fearful Avoidant attachment style core wounds and behavior patterns. (I'm not affiliated in any way. Just a fan.)
You're describing my life. I hate this pattern so much
Then why do FA sabotage by flirting with other people? Personally, I could handle the withdraws but flirting and nitpicking at my flaws triggered me to no end that I had to end things. It hurts sooooo much when I opened up to him and I knew he liked me back yet he turned around and flirted with others. It literally felt like a dagger into my chest.
I'm glad ypu are aware of your attachment style and pattern. My ex who is just like you left me after a 4 year relationship. I taught her to be comfortable receiving my love. But in the end she didnt communicate well enough and i got unsafe for her. It broke her heart and she left. I love her so much. When i cried and looked stupid in front of her she kind of didnt understand. I went no contact after a while. I really hope she get self aware enough to want to come back. Realizing what you are is the biggest step.
@@user-rx7uh9mg4fi cant say because i dont know you and your ex but my ex was a big people pleaser. If i didnt trust her i could look like flirting. (We worked together). She was bubbly and fun and girly with the boys and then at the end of the day was bitchy with me. Its because she had put on her fame face all day to people please and then she was exhausted. Its all base on their low self esteem and fears. They have to know people like them.
I told my FA that i need more consistency and deep conversation. If you want the same then lets work on it, if not then wished her a good luck. We had been dating for about 6 months. It has been 4 weeks of no contact. Not willing to break it. Whatever happens let it be
A wise decision! Being in a similar situation it took years of quality from my life showing patience when there was never progress. So after stating the minimal requirements for a healthy relationship it’s crucial to keep the boundaries intact, otherwise the circle is just gonna repeat. Good luck to you and me too, let’s stay strong…🍀😏
I was in a similar instance. Attempts to have deeper conversation, but then she wouldn't and get cold or only share what was comfortable. Dumps me then says she wish we had deeper conversations yet participated at minimum, leaving me quite confused and left expecting to be a mind reader.
@@stainless9 good job. I would also advice you to get into PDS weekly discussions and share your thoughts there. It feels good sometimes to talk about it.
Good for you. I did the same. Going on 8 months of No Contact (radio silence). We have seen each other about 8 times in social situations (dance) but nothing more than eye contact. I have grown and changed a lot. No sign of her changing, so I have moved on. Lots of good dating experiences in the last few months. It is very empowering to be clear about what you want in a relationship, and what you are no longer willing to put up with. And best wishes to her on her journey.
Did she reply at all? What’s your template for your text?
I have a friend who is a classic FA (although she wears she's an AP) in a situationship with an AP. Last week she called me to hang out after they had an argument ironically after she had been texting me. The guy stormed out of her house and nearly hit me with his truck coming out the driveway! I didn't even know what was going on until she came up and told me she wanted my protection, but I told her, "oh no, this is between you and him; when you play with fire In not going to be the one getting burned!
That said, she's been in this situationship on and off for three years and even though things seem to be borderline dangerous (he actually circled her house when they first got together to see who was coming in and out) she seems to love the attention she's getting from him. It's a dangerous game.
I tell this story because awareness of your attachment style and subconscious reactions to things can help protect you. Extreme example as this is, it's something that is very common.
I've watched a lot of content over the past 3 months and I have to say, you really are the Fearful Avoidant expert. It's not even close. Very helpful.
Suggest you check out Heidi Priebe
@harry-james-books I watch her as well. She is also phenomenal👍
Thank you Thais. You are the only person online thats helping me feel better during this no contact stage. I'm doing it to respect my FA ex and let her have the space and time for herself. I have no idea if she is doing the work but i'm doing the work on myself. I hope we can reconnect because she is a great person and i love her.
Did you guys reconnect ?
@@samamed2432 yes. We've been back together for 3 months now and stronger than ever
@@samamed2432 we sure did
Oh I've been waiting for an update for this one
Thank you. Just initiated with my FA partner of over 1.5years. fingers crossed
Thais is amazing. E erything you share has helped me so much. I wish my ex and I had all of this education before she ended things. I have no doubt that we would still be together. Everyone needs this for all their relationships.
I feel the same way about my last relationship and it sucks but ey it's life.
Thank you for this. One week into, will help me last a day or two more without excessive everyday ruminating (or maybe not, but thank you anyways).
i heard a lot of times in these videos that when the relationship was shortterm, its not likely they come back. my experience tells me different. its rather if you could build a deep emotional bond, and timeframe is not important for that. you can build a deep and intense connection in a very short time. so for everybody who was in a short term relationship, dont give up hope.
Thanks!
Thank you so much!! ❤
This was os eye opening for me. This is me and need to figure out how to manage it
My wife was breaking My heart by being cold to me so I left her and I didn't go back now she's giving me the silent treatment no contact
I always hear and see in videos that the "creature comforts" of the FA are playing video games, watching movies, eating a lot... but in the videos they never say "going out with other people and kissing them or having sex with them" why? I understand they do it a lot mainly to numb their thoughts and pain.
completely agree. My FA left our two year relationship after a big argument, and then within a few weeks told me she had been out with someone a couple of times. She had to put up with being alone one weekend, and then it was too much!!
Its all very well saying they go through these stages, but I somehow doubt they do if their time is being occupied by someone else 😞
@@davidbest6761 exactly. they numb by just entering in a new relationship, but the problem is, every human body needs time to process pain. so they are always out of the new relationship with one leg, and this new relationship will be unhealthy too
The FA I've been seeing has been pushing me away every week or two, sometimes twice in the one week. Usually accompanied by harsh words and insults designed to hurt and drive me away. I've tried to be nothing but understanding as she's had some seriously bad relationships in the past and real fear of developing feelings. I just struggle with how to approach any discussions with her as it's likey to trigger arguments and deactivation.
Stop tolerating protect your mental health
Have you tried to have a direct + serious conversation with her about your relationship patterns and styles? Some people might think that is too "heavy", but in my opinion it is a sign that the two people are mature enough to have a real, committed, long-term relationship and are not just playing around. Best wishes.
Agree with both of the above. If she is willing to do the healing work on herself, the relationship is worth a try. Otherwise, overcome this codependency that drives your need to rescue and fix broken people, because this desire is cheating you out of an actual relationship, a fulfilling, healthy and mutual relationship. You want a relationship, but you settle for this due to your fears. Trying to save people at your own expense will be damaging to you, exacerbating underlying core wounds that led to your codependency.
"she's had some seriously bad relationships in the past" - Poor her. I wonder why... just get out and stay out mate. ASAP.
It's called borderline personality disorder check it out
I'm curious what you recommend if no contact isn't an option due to living in close proximity and our children being close friends.
It’s been over a year, idk if my FA is gonna come back.
😢😢😢
A month since the break up, about two weeks of no contact, mostly broken by him
been broken up w my FA for almost 6 weeks now, NC for almost 5 weeks. i miss him so much. but i know he will come back around.
Awesome! Proud of you
What happened?
@@user-eg7do5pp7u he came back! we have been in contact for over 2 months now after 2 months of no contact. things are amazing and we are healing!
Hi Thais, how long do you think it takes until they arrive to the rebonding stage from NC?
Mine was almost 3 months into the break up.
@@jimmycash3171 you did full no contact?
I'm not sure what to do how much is a broken heart when I left do you think she'll ever forgive me
How do I go about this when I work with the FA that I am seeing? We talk when we are working but once I leave he has stopped reaching out so I stopped initiating any conversation via text.
Great to hear how they go through the stages.
But what if they start getting into a rebound after the first few weeks?
They are never going to do the introspective work and then that kind of invalidates the idea of the 'stages' they 'should' go through as described in this video.
I'd love to give my FA the time and space she needs, but if she's rebounding, I'm probably just wasting my time.
Which of your courses do you recommend for re-connecting with an FA?
How to Heal Any Relationship would be a great place to start! ❤
So I should wait for them to reach out right ? Or should I just send a casual text around 6-8 weeks after no contact
This is what I want to know too.
What if the anxious attached dumped the fearful avoidant because he suddenly startet to constantly pulling away when the anxious was pushing towards the fa? No contact and wait for the FA to reach out? The breakup is almost 8 weeks ago, we only had contact in the time between for exchanging things.
I wish there was a way to do no contact when separated living in different rooms with kids.
it’s called don’t marry the wrong person
Just sleep with her
What if they rebound during no contact?
Do avoidants ever implement flying monkeys? I went no contact and blocked him everywhere after he didn’t want to be exclusive and did something really disrespectful to me. Now he’s having others make fun of and start issues online. I made it clear that I was choosing no contact to focus on myself and get over the feelings I have. I’m baffled as to why he’s mad at me 🤷🏼♀️
Funny thing is, knowing what I know about my ex, who I wish I could have back, If we were to ever have a discussion about what would have to change in order to re-establish a relationship, I fear she'd be triggered into a closed-off stage by the mere existence of the discussion. Yes, that is probably a good sign that the relationship might just not be meant to be but god damn it she deserves love.
Same here. We got back together once after a momth apart and she was not open to a discussion about it. Now we are broken up again. 2.5 weeks of NC. Maybe she'll come back and maybe not. This time seems less likely although the last time she spoke she said "I don't know" and "right now no." But you're right. I could never communicate with her becaude if I were to bring up an issue, she'd say something like, "if you don't like that about me, then go find someone else"
How do I go No Contact when we work together and see each other quite frequently because of it? We said we'd be friends and he still calls and messages in the same frequency and manner as when we were together...how do I practice No Contact and maintain friendship as well?
What if I break no contact in first week like 3 times and literally try to save everything with long texts. I left the door open and tell him whenever he want can come back and say hi but I will not communicate again. Will he still experience that phases please help
I blocked my FA ex after she dumped me and told me I was nothing. She’s gonna stay blocked too.
And if the Fearful avoidant immediately enters into a rebound relationship after the breakup. How will that affect the No Contact experience with the Ex?
it means your relationship wasn’t meaningful
@@spvcecxwbxy nothing with FAs are so black and white
unless she is a woman
I wanted to reconnect but i can't get past the jealousy of her dating someone else. I feel like I'm getting used for attention.
@@spvcecxwbxy nothing about FAs are that black and white unfortunately
What if you were only dating for a month and then you get pushed away, is there any chance they will come back after going no contact?
We have a playlist on fearful avoidants that may be helpful in understanding why they pull away in the first place, and the best ways to communicate when this happens. I hope it helps! ❤ th-cam.com/video/l10mRchQVgU/w-d-xo.html
Mine did. But after another month he was gone again
12 weeks into my breakup. I don’t think she is coming back
why is my FA dumper angry, hostile and aggressive towards me (even if he only sees me on the street) almost 2 years after the breakup and I was all the time in no contact, never bothered or chased him? The breakup was because of typical FA reasons "I cant give you what you deserve, grandpas dog doesnt like you etc"
As an FA im glad my breakup was with a DA, what is there to miss when someone is consistently running away from you😝
What if you chased for 4 months? Will going no contact now still enacted the same stages for the FA?
give it at least a try. and the no contact should be long enough, so at least 4 months
I started a “relationship” with a FA for three months and when I casually called him my lover he said:” Interesting.. lover? We’re still friends getting to know each other” all the while him and I were being lovey dovey with each other! He was super romantic at the beginning and I KNEW for a fact he had strong feelings for me. He started to become distant around mouth three. I carefully observed him and when I realized he’s a FA (I have trauma dealing with these types)I broke things off and went no contact for three weeks.
Right now I miss him so much :( i know I did the right thing for my mental health but my heart won’t let him go and everyday I keep thinking maybe .. just maybe I could’ve made things work out. He flirted with other woman and didn’t contact me for 5 days before I left him. Is it normal to feel guilt/bad and a depressed after a breakup? I know I logically did the right thing but emotionally I can’t seem to get over him. It’s really painful…
Did he try to text you back?
I’m in the same boat but I haven’t broke it off. I also did not give so much of my emotional heart because I was scared, he mentions his ex and he has a girl he was interested in.
@@xoxjelloxox I didn’t give him a chance. Blocked him all over social media especially after the flirting incident (we both decided not to date other people while getting to know each other). He knew I’m the fiercely loyal type and took that for granted.
@@xoxjelloxox If he likes another woman that means you’re most likely a placeholder until he gets her. Find a man who makes YOU feel like number one in his life and you can love him with all your heart without holding back. A FA will make you feel insecure. I’m a confident woman but him nitpicking at my physical traits and looking at other women really shook my self esteem throughout the months especially that I really liked him. Totally not worth it.
@@user-rx7uh9mg4f I’m sorry that happened to you. A betrayal of trust is difficult and can leave wounds and scars. Good for you for sticking to yourself
Broke up 6 months ago, wanted to level up the relationship by getting married. Her family didn’t approve. My ex went from saying I’ll fight for us to 3 months later saying move on and I feel like she used resent to get over me. She used such petty reasons to say why it wouldn’t work.
It’s now almost been 3 months of NC since we last spoke and she told me to move on and respect her decision.
Is it truly done now? I still feel like it’s blindsighted and I’m still falling
Exes as unstable as these say all sorts of stuff after a breakup take everything they say with a MASSIVE grain of salt
@@Havik99 she’s unfollowed me on everything but views my tiktok profile most days 🤣 but still radio silence. These people are confusing
So FA seems a lot easier and shorter NC than a DA. But what if he’s both DA and FA??
so how would an FA feel if you write them an apology letter.
I realized ive done some stuff wrong that might have pushed him away in the end
would that do anything or is that just going to push them even further away.
I would send it after the 6 week mark. but i dont know if they will spiral again.
I would hold off on doing that, everything I have read suggests keep NC going for at least 3-6 months. Sucks but at least you have a timeframe and during it work on you, do the things you want to do and focus on yourself only. The feelings will subside and you will be in a much better place when/if you guys reconnect later on.
any update? i think making mistakes at that is very natural, as we are humans. even IF they spiral, it will not start their process from the beginning, because they brain already build new structures and went already through a "healing" process, which cannot be rebuild once nervous system adapted.
The girl I dated for two months came back after around two months of NC. I am in a much better place and things are actually going good now.
@@aristark559 hi, I never send the letter. I reached out to him with a single simple text message after the 6 weeks and he replied very polite 4 days later. I send a text back and haven’t heard from him since. It’s almost been 3 months since the break up now. Learning more about attachment styles I think he might be an dismissive avoidant. I’m doing good on my healing journey but the door will always be open for him.
@@AlexDahlZ wow thats so good. i hope i will be in the same situation. but why did she break up in the first place?
Do you think this would apply to a 7 month long relationship? I understand that that isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, but we both had some really emotional and heartfelt moments between each other and my ex said things like she'd never been treated so well by someone before and that she'd never trusted and felt so safe around someone so quickly.
I don't think the amount of time matters with a FA. Once they get triggered, it's on and you just need to leave them alone to deal with their feelings. It's counter intuitive to think she felt so safe with you and had such feelings for you, but those feelings are what set her into detachment mode. Thai is what's so hard bout being in a relationship with a FA. The more you try to show them love the more they pull away.
@@JohnBoulding I understand, thank you for taking the time to reply, you're right, it's difficult to wrap your head around the loving behaviour being the cause of their detachment.
I've maintained no contact since the breakup 10 weeks ago, she reached out to varying degrees in the first month and I replied calmly and let her set the pace of those conversations. Silence for the past 6 weeks, I guess only time will tell.
@@JohnBoulding I know exactly how you feel, every time we pushed closer to a relationship, that's when things broke down. I empathise and I really do wish you all the best between you and your FA and you acquire the healing you truly deserve.
@@JohnBoulding I’m thinking about being friends with my previous FA partner because we like each other so much.. but I’m afraid that it will break my heart and his especially if we get too attached to each other.. how can you be friends with a person you loved romantically but there is a barrier between the two of you? It’s soooo tempting to go back to him but I’m trying to move on and find a man I can pour ALL my energy and love into without worrying about him withdrawing.
😅@@user-rx7uh9mg4f I wouldn't let myself become just the friend only if you really love/have strong romantic feelings for him. You are putting yourself in the friendzone just to be around them. It's unfair for you to have to pretend you don't want more and unfair to them to 'pretend' you are only friends.
If you can let go of the feelings you have and be a real friend, then that's fine but realistically will that happen?
It's sad to lose someone you love and also lose the friendship too.
Ur relationship is predestined to b doomed if u r unable and unwilling to become interdependent.
Everyone wants to be independent now and conflate interdependence with codependency.
I’m confused. This sounds a lot like DA?
They sound like a huge PITA 😂 Next pls.
I broke the “No Contact” it’s been 3 weeks :(
I made that mistake also.
what happened