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Fearful Avoidant Breakup: Why Your Avoidant Ex Lost Attraction!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ม.ค. 2023
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Fearful avoidant breakup | Did your fearful avoidant partner lose attraction to you? And you want to know more about why your fearful avoidant ex suddenly lost interest. Then watch this video for the reasons your avoidant ex decided the anxious-avoidant relationship was a mismatch.
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Of course they lost attraction, you turned up with authenticity, honesty, integrity, care and love.. they never thought it was deserved or real so they sabotaged any chance you had of a relationship together
Yes, in fact she has another video discussing this where more secure partners hold up a mirror to the fearful avoidant partner which causes them to become hostile and this has happened to me every time.
I have to be honest, FAs really just don't seem like they are worth the time or mental energy.
They are sick, and hurt people. I wonder if they realize it? Or if they are capable of a relationship?
They are covert and in my opinion seek source to feed but don’t know about the connection to shadow. A primitive way to navigate life, full of ruts and bumps.
Nope neither are DA’s
Me and my ex just parted again only this time I feel it is for good. She's definitely an FA, so many of these points scream out. She wants to be understood but doesn't communicate. She's very assumptious and more often believes her theory of over what's being said by myself which is a consistent truth. I am an anxious person so I have tried really hard to talk and communicate, trying to call and message. We broke up for 6 months last November before reconnecting and I had major confidence with the work I'd done. Sadly she seemed to be the same if not worse. The other day I'd seen a more critical, insulting, cold side to her. Which only made me feel more anxious and confused. I should have left when she told me, though she wasn't listening to me and constantly changing what was being said. Sadly it turned into a bit of a tense physical pushing game. That's not us and it's happened. It's broken me because I did so much work in hopes she'd also be different, only more hot and cold. I don't think there's goint back on this despite it being raw now, I think she'll always think I'm hurtful though I'd gone into fight or flight mode. Avoidants are extremely confusing though I am aware of traits now more than ever 😞
"She's very assumptious and more often believes her theory of over what's being said by myself which is a consistent truth." - This hit very hard, exactly what I've been dealing with from my FA partner. Accusation of lying, cheating with an ex from years ago just beacuse we were still friends. No matter what I do or say I won't be believed and it's used as the fulcrum for everything else she finds reason to make trouble about.
Dude just admitted he got physical with a woman. He's the victim tho. Right. 🤣🤣🤣
@@jenandbarrys5580 people can get physical without them being the abuser genius. you must be an FA if thats all you heard.
Fearful avoidants are the most destructive people you could possibly date.
The first sign of FA, walk away before you're invested. Trust me, you will never regret it. Stick around and find out why you should have.
How can these people stand themselves???They are so cruel to everyone ,they’re always confused, and they hurt so many people. They have this ideal person in their mind. That is “the one”, and no one will ever be perfect enough for that. It’s so weird, sick. Yes, after 5 years, I AM bitter…
Exactly, and what's crazy is that I was her "one". Always was, for all of the years that life kept us apart. We reconnected a year and a half ago and she was sooooo happy. Spent the first half of the relationship so "in love" and "her dream had came true". Then she got "confused" and started her deactivation and avoidance, right when we should've been progressing towards an engagement. She ended it a few weeks ago but is still contacting me some. My mind and heart are blown and numb at this point. Makes no sense.
After 34 years and 2 daughters I'm a little bitter also! No fun at all!
One question that I think many people don't ask themselves is, why does one want to be in a relationship in the first place? For what reason? Companionship, sex, etc.? Then what? It's important to have a purpose. Navigating and finding the balance between the dichotomy of "absence makes the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeds contempt" is key. Neediness and lack of purpose blurs the distinction.
I'm a FA partner, definitely loss of control, fully committed (1 foot in, 1 foot out). It's so amazing how I can drop some of her recent comments directly on these reasons. I"m blown away....just think it is probably too late to turn this around though. She does seem determined to resolve her past traumas which in the end is the main reasons for the relationship ending which I now see it really wasn't the small things we needed to work on in the relationship...We can't address the relationship till her past traumas are at least at a healing point where they do'n't impact a relationship....this is such sad state for a human to live in...
Can you rewrite your comment in the first person. The way you wrote it is confusing but seems to possibly have some value.
They lost attraction to you because you have basic needs anyone does in a relationship 🤷🏼♂️
To be understood - they need to communicate .. but do they fully? 🤔
Really depends on their capacity. I think most people struggle to communicate in one way or another. 🙂
Mine didn't. She just left, telling me things she previously said she liked about me are the cause. She also told me a few other reasons that I fully get but tbh, she should have just told me.
@@inanitassame he didn’t tell me any of these Things until he ended it and said some things were unfixable like ummm okay 🤣 that’s just want you’re saying to justify not giving me a chance to fix it and leaving .
This was very informative. I will say this I’ve been involved with the FA since last October this person has kicked me to the curb three times this last time I’m kicking myself for going back with him again I didn’t realize he was an FA until recently and the confusion And hurt and pain I have felt because of the pull in push away. Pull and push away has been astronomical. It’s hard when you still care for the person and you can’t figure out how to work on the relationship because of their trauma and needs and wants and fears. It’s exhausting in every way shape or form, I could go back with him because I miss him terribly, but I know that would be very foolish because if he doesn’t work on himself, there’s no point it’s not my responsibility to fix him. It’s only my responsibility to fix myself which I am doing. Fa are like puzzles that all the pieces don’t fit or t2 puzzles put together I don’t know they’re exhausting. The worst part is we are in church together. It is almost impossible for me to heal. I’ve even thought about finding another church for a while, and now we are in the pretend neither of us exist stage that’s the worst stage, but it’s my only way to protect myself. At this point I wish I had someway to figure out how to calm his nerves or whatever his problem is because I didn’t understand it as much as I do now truthfully, I want a relationship where I don’t have to work so stinking hard, it should come a lot easier. I think they wrote the song about FA you’re hot and you’re cold you’re yes and your no you’re in and you’re out you’re up and you’re down I forget who wrote that song I can guarantee it’s about an FA lol.
In/out… yes!! One day she wanted to move in together, the next day she talked about moving out of my city coz she wanted her own space.
Omg! Same exact situation. My boyfriend wanted to move in with me,even bought half of his stuff over and suddenly tells me one day that he wants to move to the the city,wants to buy his own place or some BS. I know they get skittish if we’re the ones initiating any upgrades in the relationship but he’s the one that said he wanted to move in with me !!
@@zebrastripes3786 Yep! She kept asking me to make us official. As soon as I asked her to be my gf, she said “I can’t give you what you want right now” and left. 🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️
@@zebrastripes3786my ex wanted me to move in with him and I agreed. A few days before the moving day he broke up with me, I was shocked...
One afternoon, we were gazing into each other's eyes, the same night she said I am not interested in you!
When my former partner isolates it is generally preceded by a critical and shaming tirade around her contempt for all men. It is focused and directed toward intimate knowledge that diminishes my character. Ten years in this relationship and I am rewriting my world view as I exit. Catching up on years put in perspective. In the second half of my 70’s, still on the wave. Hota Hey…. I’ll be in session with you later today. Thanks
It definitely resonates with me. Thank you for your insight
I wasn’t aware of attachment but I instinctively knew any pressure would be detrimental. However just the indirect mention of a holiday and the potential for more sleep overs after 3 years was too much. On top of a parental loss and work issues he shut down and shut me out. Impossible to move forward... the relationship was stuck as was he.
The attachment of the woman, formally known as my partner, has an internal activation system that is paradoxical and counter intuitive. The contempt I experienced reflected her uncanny knowledge of my vulnerability. She called it “Jersey Blood Sport” street defense to protect self in a densely populated hood. Her mother had no boundaries and is a bitter old woman prone to sabotage and violent confrontations with my former partner. I was I’ll prepared to be in partnership and relationship with her. I look forward to developing a compassionate response without appearing needy and having the right boundaries and doorways.
And now we are on the same datingsite, still no contact
Weird that they all are on those sites well knowing they dont want a relationship 😂
What if the FA doesnt have as much trauma experience as their partner? Their partner is more traumatized than they are?
nobody talks about what to do when you are both insecure. they always assume that one partner is securely attached...which is not my case.
yes just happened to me after 6 years
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry to hear that. Was there a particular part of this video that felt relevant to your situation?
My problem is whit these ideas that clusters all FAAS people in homogenous category. For example my ex has FAAS but absolutely didn't lose her attraction toward me.
Thanks for your comment. It’s possible that this video doesn’t apply to your situation then. And of course this video couldn’t possibly encapsulate the whole of a humans experience who has this attachment style.
How did you and your ex break up? The concept of dating relationships ending in general is stupid in that it's believed to be caused by one partner "losing attraction to" the other. In other words, something about them or that they did was a turn off enough to cause the other person to reconsider being in the relationship and left. The other concept of one thinking they're better is also grey.
FAs in general are usually the ones who are the dumpers in relationships, and do so whenever they've had enough. It's usually because the other partner was inconsiderate of their wants and needs, to the point where hinting, asking, or showing how they want things done just weren't returned.
As an FA myself, I can honestly tell you that I blew up at the last two guys I've dated not because of a loss attraction but because of how they made me feel. Eventually, I became resentful and had to show them that if they weren't going to choose me, then I would choose myself. Yes, the big fight followed something they'd consider as small, but there were so many things that had built up prior. I destroy relationships and hurt people because I allow others to hurt me and be inconsiderate, bad people in order to show their true colors. By the time they see mine though, I no longer like what I've seen so far.
People can change and I forgive a lot. Do I forget? No. Do things go back to the way they were? Never.
Treat others how you would like to be treated, and consider their love languages. Be consistent, considerate, and honest or don't date an FA.
@lmart16 Thanks for your answer. You mentioned things deeper and I understand now better my ex's behavior now. We were in an on/off relationship and in ethical polyamory. Ethical polyamory means you have more romantic partners at the same time, and the partners know each other. Both of us live in a relationship hierarchy. Relationship hierarchy means that in the polyamory there are a basis relationship and mostly a first and a second polyamorous partner. My ex was my first polyamorous partner for 1 year long and me was of her. She became depressed very much, she had suicidal ideas as well. The fearful avoidant attachment dynamic got stronger when her depression got worse. Her attachment style came from her teen and blaming behaviors of her parents. The problem got worse when my third partner stepped into the system. She felt that my third partner is more important to me than she. It was not true, but we could not talk about it, because she had Covid and was in home caranten 6 weeks. She had another guy in those days parallel whit me and her basis relationship. After the caranten we had a date, she wanted me but we had a serious argument about my third partner. Following day she had a date whit this other guy and had sex whit him. At the following day, I got very upset and I felt she betrayed me, because she didn't solve our problems whit me and why ran to other guy? I mentioned her if I am more important in her life than this other guy (she told me many times this) why was the date and the sex more important whit that guy, than solving the problems whit me. I was not jealous (or a little bit) but my problem was her escape from the situation whit me and date and sex in an other connection. She told me after that if the date were pretty whit me, she wouldn't gave date whit that other guy. I broke up whit her after that, because I felt she withdraw her commitment from me. I changed my mind after a day but she finished our breaking up 1 week later. Our relationship blew up. After 1 month no contact rule we started chatting on Instagram. She was moderately open, but after 1 month of contact, she asked me for another no-contact rule period. She said she will reach me out if all things calm down in her. I understood that the feeling of control over the situation is very important for her. I am sure that she attracts and loves me, and I love her, but I think her fearful avoidant behavior and depression take longer the getting back process.
@lmart16 OH. I forgot it. Important thing! Both h of us know that getting back together doesn't mean that we go back the same relationship pattern. She and me need change. I have an anxious attachment style I have to learn to trust in my partners, she has to learn that escaping and withdrawing herself from a relationship conflict is not a good idea and the assertive communication is very important.
@@lmart16 good advice, maybe you’d do well to listen to & implement your own advice too?
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I know it's probably not a good idea, but I'm going to ask anyway - have any of you experienced becoming friends with an FA ex after they left you, and then having better chances for re-connecting with them, in the form of a friendship or even romantically later on? I wonder if it's possible for them to regain an interest in you if we show up as somewhat different people (assuming we both work on ourselves in therapy, etc.)?
I face the same problem right now? Did you reconnect?
We haven't, but each case is different... I suspect my ex has got narcissistic traits, doesn't long for deeper connection which she doesn't even know how it feels like. She was in a trauma bonded relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years, must've been a rollercoaster but with a kind of fun and connection that worked for her, so... She tried to develop feelings for me but it didn't work out.
I sent a short friendly text when I was ready for a friendship, she hasn't responded for a week (!) and then just replied with even shorter, generic, polite sort of 'thank you' and 'hope all is well with you too' text. That was it.
@@lenaflab2697 Often people are addicted to the highs and lows of a relationship. That's basically trauma response but some of them will call it " excitement" or " passion"
We tried for about a month, and it was great for a couple of days but then he'd just go back to shutting down and being distant. Then the in and out again. I wouldn't recommend it unless you have an extraordinary ability to manage your feelings, otherwise it's pretty much the same thing all over again without the sex. Exhausting...
My now ex gf broke up with me 2years back and went through a roller coaster of getting her back. I started slowly just connecting with her over a month or 2 and got back together again for another 2 years. Needless to say,i went through some big changes in my life and neglected her a bit. She broke up with me again. So im in the process now again. Gave her 6 weeks NC and started to reconnect super slowly again. Started talking a bit more from yesterday. It is possible, but depending on your situation. But i know my ex better than 99% of anyone so im going to try my luck again.
She is still cold at this stage,but sure she will come around after some time.
Hi Katya, I feel compelled to message you here. I’ll try to keep it short. My FA (female) ex opened up to me early in our 25 month relationship that she had a difficult relationship with her mother. What woman doesn’t I thought! However some of the things she told me bore no comparison to my mum. For example she told me that in her early teens she asked her mum why her friends were more pretty. Her mum responded by saying “that’s just who you are”. No hug no reassurance. She always had to take herself to bed, no tuck in no bedtime stories. During childhood ailments like colds etc she was made to go to school.
After 6 months I met her mum. As she walked into the room she drained the atmosphere. My partner’s whole family were present and her mum was the only person speaking. Her brother left the room for a drink very quickly, and her dad was invisible. Her questions to me were instant and not seeking answers they were designed to dominate me! Of course I didn’t allow her to get away with that. Eventually after storing up my ammunition I concluded my undermining of her negativity with “when was the last time you put your arm around ‘Pxxxx’ and told her you loved her and that you are proud of her?” There followed complete silence and my ex’s sister gave me a glance and a slight head shake that said ‘never’. At no point during my rebuttal of her negative monologues did anyone stand up for the mother. The whole family were silent and looked fearful. My ex later made excuses for her mum by saying she had had a traumatic childhood to which I replied “she obviously didn’t choose a contrarian style of motherhood when she had kids then”. My ex agreed. My ex is a wonderful woman. She is non-aggressive and kind. She does everything for everyone else before she does anything for herself. Her parents could not contrast more with my own who were in love with each other and projected security for me and my siblings.
Wayyyyyyyy too many commercials for how short the video is.
An autistic FA was my last experience. Trying to understand that in a neurodivergent relationship is like asking me to understand Sanskrit using a translator written in binary.
Omg! Mine was autistic as well. I have ADHD so I have my own quirks but distinguishing between what was an unhealthy attachment behavior or an aspy symptom was very confusing. I think it also caused me to make excuses for him as a trait of his neurodivergence.
@@sweety10591 I think more was involved, definitely CPTSD which may cause FA. FAs may have serious trauma to sort. I just wish he'd have let me help. I would have.
Yeah this is another aspect of my FA that I didn't factor in. She has severe ADHD and absolutely no middle ground in her reactions to everyday normal stressors. Everything is 0-60 on an emotional reactance scale. She did her best to manage this but it definitely played a part in her deactivation. Wish I had considered that she really is divergent in her thoughts processes and tried to accommodate.
I dated a woman for 5 months and she broke it off one reason she mentioned was that I didn't sleep with her yes I didn't because I wasn't hearing and feeling what I needed and now I feel awful and lost my self I treated her with respect and spent money help!!
Mine broke up for a text not sent on time. That I never knew I had to send in the first place. There's always a "reason" . You don't have to feel bad, you listened to your authentic self, had good intentions and did your best. There's nothing to regret when you enter a relationship with that approach.
@@sunbeam9222 thank you for the words of encouragement
Trying to dominate or control an FA, unless they want that control, is bad news. Giving ultimatums will definitely get me, an FA, to do whatever it is that's not in your best interest - just to make it clear that I answer to nobody but God and my Mother. Even being asked, "Where are you?" outside of having plans together, is a very triggering question for me.
On the other hand, when *I* give ultimatums, it's advised that the person I give options to choose correctly or I'll sever them from my life because ultimatums are what shows up after asking politely or talking about issues. Ultimatums are about staying in my life or getting out. You either DO this, or you don't - but if you don't then this is goodbye. And I'm all about being shown change, love, and care. I don't accept fake promises, pretty words, fluffy dreams.. Words of Affirmation is NOT my Love Language. I'm everything else, but mainly Quality Time.
Lol so basically you point blank refuse ultimatums but you gladly throw them yourself?
Damn, you sound like a nightmare!
@@sunbeam9222 yep, in the end FA never take accountability, for them the fault is always of the SO, self-centered people at their best
This is a rather extraordinary answer! Fucking hell, take some accountability, you are not special. We are all people deserving of respect.
@@sunbeam9222 The lack of self awareness with these folks is astounding. You can't make this shit up 😂
could an abortion during teen years be traumatic enough to cause someone to be FA in their 50s?
Dang, I just realized I'm the FA partner!
Realizing it is the first step…try to seek therapy and heal yourself.
Do it for yourself and others.
@Samuel Letsch Actually, I've learned she's a covert narcissist and everything has been a lie!
I don‘t know your situation, so who am I to judge this is just my point of view. There are always 2 People needed for Situations like this. Maybe you are avoident attachment and maybe she has narcissistic traits. The only thing that you can do is try to look at the part you had in the tragedy. She probably won’t, but do it for you to heal yourself and don’t attract narcissistic people anymore in your next relationship.
I know this is going to sound rather funny and/or superficial, but have you ever been with someone you initially were attracted to but then, at some point, something about them looked funny enough to be a turn off or the way they might say or do something a certain way, etc. and you don't know how to "artfully" disengage without it coming off as an insult or looking superficial? When you're a cerebral person, this happens a lot. Here's an example from the female side I read once. She's interested in a guy but when she sees him standing there wearing nothing but socks, she's totally turned off. Same with a guy. At some point he might think her head or feet are too big and look funny among othere things. This sounds crazy but there it is. Hence, the ghosting. There's no artful way of telling someone that you're turned off because of XYandZ especially if you're not good at confrontation and seeing someone hurt.
Or said person might blurt out something so ridiculously stupid that it is an indication that you do not want this person around you in a social situation with intelligent people hence making you look stupid because of association with this person.
I am not a psychologist but what you're describing sounds like self sabotaging - your subconscious mind is creating/finding reasons to distance yourself from that person. Nobody is perfect and nobody can be sexy all the time or say something smart all the time. In a long term relationship there will be plenty of times when you will not be attracted to your partner. A fearful avoidant told me the same thing - she unconsciously kept searching for reasons to break up with her boyfriend. This is attachment avoidance. Try to stay with that person a little longer, see what happens. I also recommend going to therapy.
If the attraction was mutual, they probably noticed weird/gross things about you too after a while. The difference is you judged and became contemptuous while they probably just accepted your weirdness.
@@TraianTeodoryes, they say avoidants will hold people to a standard of perfection, because no one is perfect and that gives them a “good” excuse to distance themselves from a partner at anytime they want to retreat
You need therapy bro.