That's fucked up. They leave with no closure. Sorry that happened to you. Best thing you can do is not think about "what the hell happened" but know that they left you without a good any reason and accept it, move on with your life and yours only. Be happy !
@@daggerix445 thank you. I’ve been brought to my knees. Not sure how long it’s going to take but I’ve had a few setbacks so I’m trying to be kind to myself to
@susannahpearethcan5ing yeah my ex left me too without any closure. I realized after they left that she was a narcissist and a DA. I had my firemds and family help me mentally and emotionally. Reach out to friends and family. Go on vacation, paddle board, hiking etc. Love yourself
I’ve listened to over 100 of these in the last 3 months. This will be.. the last one I listen to.. because it it 💯 perfectly correct .. I can now move on. 143 ( I love you)
I don't care about avoiding. I don't care about anxious. I care about whether a person treats others well or as refuse. And if it's the latter, there is no excuse, no "disorder" that justifies it. Yesterday I was missing her. And the thought came "But don't you hate liars?" Why yes, I do. "So why would you want a liar back in your life?" Right, I don't. And then everything felt alright again.
Was married to him for 13 years and he just left with no explanation, total silence for 3 months, he moved in with his girlfriend before our divorce was finalized. I was/still am devastated, I’ve been educating myself on what happened to me and his behavior. He STILL behaves this way, having adult conversations with him is very difficult especially since we have children together, dealing with him is mentally and emotionally draining bc he says he cares but shows no action at all. I can’t wait to move away from that part of my life, heal and be happy again. Also, he “maintains” a relationship with his girlfriend I guess.
No.. they are emotionally immature and dsyregulated. And the society we live in isn't helping people or their mental/spiritual health. Labelling people is dangerous. Its pathological in my opinion. People are complex and many are severely damaged.
Very interesting about the caretaking. I did feel like she took more care and gave more energy to everyone else and I got whatever was left over. She was the caretaker for people in her family.
I got whatever he had left to give also which was not much. He was tired and exhausted and saved me for last. And would say “but you’re the first person I talk to and last person I talk to every day and night” Gee thanks.
Your videos are great! I'm a rare case of an anxious preoccupied person leaving an avoidant, i left him once before for not being able to meet my needs but i regretted it and went back to him 4 months later. We dated again for 6 months but he still wasn't meeting my needs and i was so unfulfilled. I left him again one month ago. Initially my attachment system was hyperactivated but I'm starting to calm down now and your videos are really helping me process it and move on forever
If she expressed to me that the reason she was less interested in sex with me as we grew more attached was because she couldn’t feel sexual interest without emotional safety does that mean it’s more likely she will get sexually involved with someone soon after the break up? I’m honestly terrified she’s already done it or will and kill any chance of reconciliation.
After going through a major breakdown from the avoidant leaving (after promising not to), I have emotionally shut down. I am uninterested in and no longer capable of romantically connecting with others. Smh.
Thank you for your video! I would like to learn to see the red flags for this kind of profile early enough a bigger damage happens. I’ve suffered a lot and after so many years I’m still looking for the answers. For me it was an emotional abuse and for my brain it’s still difficult to process all of this. I think I need some help for deprogramming. .
My ex girlfriend whio has an avoidant attachment style. My ex had broken up with me in her mind a month before we officially broken up. She used the excuse of I'm married to my career and this lifestyle because she has been in that environment since she was a child. I noticed her pulling away more and more and i always kept my composure. I finally go4 her to talk and we broke up. She refused to tell me what was really going on in her world. She doesn't trust disclosing trauma to anyone so she is going be stuck with her trauma unresolved which is sad. Apart feels sympathy her and her trauma. Then another part of me feels anger and hurt because ot how I was treated. The love i gave wasn't reciprocated.
She acted super cold when i was trying to build a connection with her and i asked her why she wasn’t giving any affection at all and why she was treating me badly and she said i gave her the ick. We were going put for a month and it started out perfect and it went downhill after the second week to no affection at all and me just putting up with her distant crap. To this day, she still hasn’t confessed her feelings to me and she practically just ghosted me…. Been 1 week NO CONTACT she hasn’t reached out but she looks at my stories right away. She made a post on instagram the other day and i didn’t like it and she thought i was going to like it and a day after, she archived it🤣 do these avoidants typically come back if we only went out for a month?
@@louieavila3987 You know what they say, alcohol is a truth serum. Day 63 here, we aren't friends on Facebook, but she's resorted to posting memes indirectly aimed at me trying to get me to react and reach out. It isn't happening, she has to be the one to take that step. I've done enough chasing, and begging, for 100 lifetimes with her. If she does fantastic, if not I have options.
Why do you care? She sounds like an adolescent not a grown woman. Get rid of those awful accounts on Instagram. All that stuff makes people mentally unwell.
I would say all of the behaviors mentioned in this video are ways that the avoidant might take care of themselves under stress or otherwise. The caretaking system goes hand in hand with the attachment system and its primary function is to respond to offspring. If you’ve ever heard someone referring to their “maternal instinct” that’s the caretaking system in action. That said it can be applied to other situations, including to adults who need care.
@@KatyaMorozovathank you for responding Katya. I know all are case to case basis but I'm desperate trying to interpret if my ex decided to end the relationship as he found out he may have cancer. I just found myself in a very unfair situation that when things aren't going well in his life, the easiest for him to discard is the relationship.
It hurts to hear people say them leaving for someone else isn’t as common when that seems to be every avoidant I’ve attracted. I understand that I’m attracting them and choosing them when their red flags are waving but some hide it so well. One was with me for years before he just deactivated and monkey branched. What about me encourages this level of disrespect?
What about you that encourages this? The fact that you have deemed yourself a victim and put up with the red flags. Doing the same things over and over again will always yield the same result.
In the same boat. Havent spoken in a year. Shes still hanging with the new guy, but also hides him. Its wierd. Pretty sure you need to go no contact and meet again organically.
@@erik9135 yeah, thank you, stay strong stranger, you got this... We were together for 5+ years, had been living together for 2+ years. It was the closest human to me, damn it hurts. In my case he felt affection for this girl and fell out of love with me and gradually cut communication believing that our sexual problems couldn't be resolved. We were trying though. He left me for her, but this girl, his coworker, never felt affection towards him, nor did they even go to a date or have sex, so he is completely alone now. Thanks for your advice, I really hope he comes back soon enough. Today is the 36th day of no contact and he still follows and watches me everywhere.
I was dumped out of the blue. 48 hours before, she was telling me I was THE BEST and she was glad that my ex girlfriends were horrible, because now we have found each other. THEN.... One of her oldest friends died and I was dumped....by text! The only explanation given was, " I've lost the romantic vibe"... WHAT!!?.....IN 48hrs!!? I've been ignored since and now I'm blocked. (I mayve texted more than a few times before being blocked, but being a nice guy, I was just asking how she was doing as I know she took the death of her friend,hard.)
Most avoidants bail during high stress moments. There are a lot of videos explaining why if you want to look up vids to help you process the experience and move on
No contact dude, and move on. My ex dumped me so many times typically almost once a week. Go silent on them for awhile, they will come back if there was anything there. At that point it will be up to you to decide if you would like to have her back.
@marguskiis7711 I think it would be interesting to have both sides included in these videos, because for certain there are avoidants who get broken up with or who seek to make sense of their emotions afterwards. Personally I have dated two dismissives and I have ended the connection both times. They were still invested, and did not want to go No Contact. Based on the video, I find it more likely that my recent ex is focused on his "exploratory" system. However, there are probably nuances that are overlooked as these videos always assume the role of the dumper to the dismissive.
I think because even in my case where I was the one who officially broke things off and started NC, he had already slow faded and detached and pulled away to the point where there essentially wasn’t a relationship anymore at all. Even if they aren’t formally breaking up with you, they’re doing situationships/FWBs or partners who you rarely see or even talk to so when you do the dumping they’re basically already gone. Things end with a DA because either way they’re already gone.
@@pizzelle2 I think it's likely that in a lot of cases someone might just give up. You can read the writings on the wall when a person is barely present anymore, and the relationship has gone sour and has many conflicts. It's a good reason to pull the plug. In my circumstances, my DA was incredibly consistent. He took 80-90% of the initiative to reach out first, and plan dates. He texted me everyday, he liked to call me 1-2 times a week and see me 1-4 times a week. He barely ever deactivated and we hardly had arguments. This might not sound very DA to people, but he 100% is. We have simply moved through challenging relationship phases to reach this understanding, trust, safety and emotional freedom, where he felt motivated to be so consistent and involved. The relationship ended because he remained avoidant of making the full commitment to get married, and didn't align with me there. So I told him we cannot continue to see each other, and we also cannot be friends. I took the time across multiple meetings in a timespan of about 2 months with him to explore and communicate through this irreconcileable difference, but even so, I imagine he felt it was abrupt. He wasn't happy about my decision at all. I expect him to be quite depressed and sad about losing me. I expect him to react in many ways like a 'regular dumpee', who goes through the grief stages, but with avoidant coping mechanisms as a nuance.
Same.. I’m slightly DA however was working hard to get to secure but my ex who is anxious avoidant also working towards secure broke up with me because I couldn’t always stay fully, deeply connected. It’s a crushing feeling and those of us working hard to change to then be treated as we didn’t even exist is incredibly cruel. Why is there so much bashing of the DA when we are all very different individuals. We should not be thrown into one bucket and made to be the villain in the relationship. Humans are wonderfully complicated. Why not celebrate the differences and learn to work together to help each other heal over time?
It's called break up for a reason, afterwards it's done, that's it and life goes on. Stop obsessing about what the ex does or doesn't do and move on. We have alot of stalkers among us it seems, constantly obsessing about former partners.
1. It's not a "break up". Don't even try to compare it to something as normal as that. 2. Most of time people don't even get any answers about why the person left and have no idea if it's because them or the other person. 3. You are telling people that if they are even curious what someone they cared about is doing, they are suddenly "stalkers" Honestly your comment just comes off as ignorant.
4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1
Actually it shows these people are normal healthy humans. If you can just hit the off switch, youre the damaged one
Break up is for serious reasons. Avoidants just disappear or give you some stupid reasons to leave aka "You did this (something bad)5 years ago" or "I felt that it is not right" or "I feel I have to work and not waste time for stupid romances" etc.
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7 months later and I still don’t know WTF happened
That's fucked up. They leave with no closure. Sorry that happened to you. Best thing you can do is not think about "what the hell happened" but know that they left you without a good any reason and accept it, move on with your life and yours only. Be happy !
Emotionally immature. Shame on them.
@@daggerix445 thank you. I’ve been brought to my knees. Not sure how long it’s going to take but I’ve had a few setbacks so I’m trying to be kind to myself to
@@TJLikePiggy didn’t realise I was so terrifying
@susannahpearethcan5ing yeah my ex left me too without any closure. I realized after they left that she was a narcissist and a DA. I had my firemds and family help me mentally and emotionally. Reach out to friends and family. Go on vacation, paddle board, hiking etc. Love yourself
I’ve listened to over 100 of these in the last 3 months. This will be.. the last one I listen to.. because it it 💯 perfectly correct .. I can now move on. 143 ( I love you)
The same here. I got enough.
I’m glad it resonated.
I don't care about avoiding. I don't care about anxious. I care about whether a person treats others well or as refuse. And if it's the latter, there is no excuse, no "disorder" that justifies it.
Yesterday I was missing her. And the thought came "But don't you hate liars?" Why yes, I do. "So why would you want a liar back in your life?" Right, I don't. And then everything felt alright again.
It's not a disorder its emotional immaturity. With no accountability and zero incentive to get help. Also the way society is set up. It's all skewed..
Probably one of the most accurate videos of 2024 in regards to this topic. Great job!
Why thank you!
Was married to him for 13 years and he just left with no explanation, total silence for 3 months, he moved in with his girlfriend before our divorce was finalized. I was/still am devastated, I’ve been educating myself on what happened to me and his behavior. He STILL behaves this way, having adult conversations with him is very difficult especially since we have children together, dealing with him is mentally and emotionally draining bc he says he cares but shows no action at all. I can’t wait to move away from that part of my life, heal and be happy again.
Also, he “maintains” a relationship with his girlfriend I guess.
I actually wonder sometimes if avoidants are actually on the spectrum
@@susannahpearethcan5ingsome of them are autistic
No.. they are emotionally immature and dsyregulated. And the society we live in isn't helping people or their mental/spiritual health. Labelling people is dangerous. Its pathological in my opinion. People are complex and many are severely damaged.
I was just dumped by a DA. This describes her actions perfectly.
At least it was clean cut? Nothing worse than a blurry "ending"
Thanks for letting me know it resonated.
Very interesting about the caretaking. I did feel like she took more care and gave more energy to everyone else and I got whatever was left over. She was the caretaker for people in her family.
I got whatever he had left to give also which was not much. He was tired and exhausted and saved me for last. And would say “but you’re the first person I talk to and last person I talk to every day and night”
Gee thanks.
Your videos are great! I'm a rare case of an anxious preoccupied person leaving an avoidant, i left him once before for not being able to meet my needs but i regretted it and went back to him 4 months later. We dated again for 6 months but he still wasn't meeting my needs and i was so unfulfilled. I left him again one month ago. Initially my attachment system was hyperactivated but I'm starting to calm down now and your videos are really helping me process it and move on forever
They need to have actual empathy to feel sad… I was a means to an end.. never again
If she expressed to me that the reason she was less interested in sex with me as we grew more attached was because she couldn’t feel sexual interest without emotional safety does that mean it’s more likely she will get sexually involved with someone soon after the break up? I’m honestly terrified she’s already done it or will and kill any chance of reconciliation.
My ex cheated on me and monkeybranched into a new relationship after I caught her. Definitely a split between attachment and sexuality.
Same!!
I’m sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know it resonated.
what do you mean by a split between attachment and sexuality?
@@robbo3132 normally, sex creates attachment. In an unhealthy person, sex and attachment are completely compartmentalized from each other.
@@robbo3132 i think avoidants bond through sex, and us normals bond through emotional vulnerability and openness.
After going through a major breakdown from the avoidant leaving (after promising not to), I have emotionally shut down. I am uninterested in and no longer capable of romantically connecting with others. Smh.
Avoiding temper tantrums from perceived slights. Just my experience. ❤
Thank you for your video!
I would like to learn to see the red flags for this kind of profile early enough a bigger damage happens. I’ve suffered a lot and after so many years I’m still looking for the answers. For me it was an emotional abuse and for my brain it’s still difficult to process all of this. I think I need some help for deprogramming. .
You’re welcome! Thanks for letting me know what you’d like to learn more about. 🙏
My avoidant gf run away to work on a ship 24/6 and take care of her relatives one day in a week.
What if they jump into a rebound right after ?
My ex girlfriend whio has an avoidant attachment style. My ex had broken up with me in her mind a month before we officially broken up. She used the excuse of I'm married to my career and this lifestyle because she has been in that environment since she was a child. I noticed her pulling away more and more and i always kept my composure. I finally go4 her to talk and we broke up. She refused to tell me what was really going on in her world. She doesn't trust disclosing trauma to anyone so she is going be stuck with her trauma unresolved which is sad. Apart feels sympathy her and her trauma. Then another part of me feels anger and hurt because ot how I was treated. The love i gave wasn't reciprocated.
What your avoidant ex is doing?? Well, you shouldn’t bother at all and go find yourself someone who’s gonna love you the way you deserve 😊
My ex 100% has become overly active. It’s very interesting
Thanks for sharing your observations.
She acted super cold when i was trying to build a connection with her and i asked her why she wasn’t giving any affection at all and why she was treating me badly and she said i gave her the ick. We were going put for a month and it started out perfect and it went downhill after the second week to no affection at all and me just putting up with her distant crap. To this day, she still hasn’t confessed her feelings to me and she practically just ghosted me…. Been 1 week NO CONTACT she hasn’t reached out but she looks at my stories right away. She made a post on instagram the other day and i didn’t like it and she thought i was going to like it and a day after, she archived it🤣 do these avoidants typically come back if we only went out for a month?
Yes they do. My avoidant ex was on-off with me the whole 2.5 years that I knew her before I finally couldn't take it anymore and left her for good.
@@PB-md3nt my avoidant just tried calling me today and left a voixemail saying shes sorry and yeah shes calling. She was also drunk af lol
@@louieavila3987 You know what they say, alcohol is a truth serum. Day 63 here, we aren't friends on Facebook, but she's resorted to posting memes indirectly aimed at me trying to get me to react and reach out. It isn't happening, she has to be the one to take that step. I've done enough chasing, and begging, for 100 lifetimes with her. If she does fantastic, if not I have options.
Why do you care? She sounds like an adolescent not a grown woman. Get rid of those awful accounts on Instagram. All that stuff makes people mentally unwell.
Holy crap. This is on point about my ex...
Glad to hear it felt accurate!
Question on Caretaking System, can they activate this to take care of themselves?
I would say all of the behaviors mentioned in this video are ways that the avoidant might take care of themselves under stress or otherwise.
The caretaking system goes hand in hand with the attachment system and its primary function is to respond to offspring. If you’ve ever heard someone referring to their “maternal instinct” that’s the caretaking system in action. That said it can be applied to other situations, including to adults who need care.
@@KatyaMorozovathank you for responding Katya. I know all are case to case basis but I'm desperate trying to interpret if my ex decided to end the relationship as he found out he may have cancer. I just found myself in a very unfair situation that when things aren't going well in his life, the easiest for him to discard is the relationship.
It hurts to hear people say them leaving for someone else isn’t as common when that seems to be every avoidant I’ve attracted. I understand that I’m attracting them and choosing them when their red flags are waving but some hide it so well. One was with me for years before he just deactivated and monkey branched. What about me encourages this level of disrespect?
What about you that encourages this? The fact that you have deemed yourself a victim and put up with the red flags. Doing the same things over and over again will always yield the same result.
considering last sexual reason, will they reactivate? how likely is it that they come back later to a partner they were deeply attached to?
In the same boat. Havent spoken in a year. Shes still hanging with the new guy, but also hides him. Its wierd. Pretty sure you need to go no contact and meet again organically.
@@erik9135 yeah, thank you, stay strong stranger, you got this...
We were together for 5+ years, had been living together for 2+ years. It was the closest human to me, damn it hurts. In my case he felt affection for this girl and fell out of love with me and gradually cut communication believing that our sexual problems couldn't be resolved. We were trying though. He left me for her, but this girl, his coworker, never felt affection towards him, nor did they even go to a date or have sex, so he is completely alone now. Thanks for your advice, I really hope he comes back soon enough. Today is the 36th day of no contact and he still follows and watches me everywhere.
It is likely. /Relationship coach
Uh... She's doing her ex 😂
They are starting the same sht with another person, thta's what they are doing! They are love bombing now someone else! Get out asap!
I was dumped out of the blue. 48 hours before, she was telling me I was THE BEST and she was glad that my ex girlfriends were horrible, because now we have found each other.
THEN....
One of her oldest friends died and I was dumped....by text!
The only explanation given was, " I've lost the romantic vibe"...
WHAT!!?.....IN 48hrs!!?
I've been ignored since and now I'm blocked.
(I mayve texted more than a few times before being blocked, but being a nice guy, I was just asking how she was doing as I know she took the death of her friend,hard.)
Move on
Most avoidants bail during high stress moments. There are a lot of videos explaining why if you want to look up vids to help you process the experience and move on
No contact dude, and move on. My ex dumped me so many times typically almost once a week. Go silent on them for awhile, they will come back if there was anything there. At that point it will be up to you to decide if you would like to have her back.
Once you escape The Soviet Union you will never go back ❤
There are virtuous people out there. Wait for yours 🎉
Why are all these videos always assuming the DA ended the relationship ..
Because they almost always do.
@marguskiis7711
I think it would be interesting to have both sides included in these videos, because for certain there are avoidants who get broken up with or who seek to make sense of their emotions afterwards.
Personally I have dated two dismissives and I have ended the connection both times. They were still invested, and did not want to go No Contact.
Based on the video, I find it more likely that my recent ex is focused on his "exploratory" system. However, there are probably nuances that are overlooked as these videos always assume the role of the dumper to the dismissive.
I think because even in my case where I was the one who officially broke things off and started NC, he had already slow faded and detached and pulled away to the point where there essentially wasn’t a relationship anymore at all. Even if they aren’t formally breaking up with you, they’re doing situationships/FWBs or partners who you rarely see or even talk to so when you do the dumping they’re basically already gone. Things end with a DA because either way they’re already gone.
@@pizzelle2 I think it's likely that in a lot of cases someone might just give up. You can read the writings on the wall when a person is barely present anymore, and the relationship has gone sour and has many conflicts. It's a good reason to pull the plug.
In my circumstances, my DA was incredibly consistent. He took 80-90% of the initiative to reach out first, and plan dates. He texted me everyday, he liked to call me 1-2 times a week and see me 1-4 times a week. He barely ever deactivated and we hardly had arguments. This might not sound very DA to people, but he 100% is. We have simply moved through challenging relationship phases to reach this understanding, trust, safety and emotional freedom, where he felt motivated to be so consistent and involved.
The relationship ended because he remained avoidant of making the full commitment to get married, and didn't align with me there. So I told him we cannot continue to see each other, and we also cannot be friends. I took the time across multiple meetings in a timespan of about 2 months with him to explore and communicate through this irreconcileable difference, but even so, I imagine he felt it was abrupt.
He wasn't happy about my decision at all. I expect him to be quite depressed and sad about losing me. I expect him to react in many ways like a 'regular dumpee', who goes through the grief stages, but with avoidant coping mechanisms as a nuance.
Same.. I’m slightly DA however was working hard to get to secure but my ex who is anxious avoidant also working towards secure broke up with me because I couldn’t always stay fully, deeply connected. It’s a crushing feeling and those of us working hard to change to then be treated as we didn’t even exist is incredibly cruel. Why is there so much bashing of the DA when we are all very different individuals. We should not be thrown into one bucket and made to be the villain in the relationship. Humans are wonderfully complicated. Why not celebrate the differences and learn to work together to help each other heal over time?
It's called break up for a reason, afterwards it's done, that's it and life goes on.
Stop obsessing about what the ex does or doesn't do and move on. We have alot of stalkers among us it seems, constantly obsessing about former partners.
1. It's not a "break up". Don't even try to compare it to something as normal as that.
2. Most of time people don't even get any answers about why the person left and have no idea if it's because them or the other person.
3. You are telling people that if they are even curious what someone they cared about is doing, they are suddenly "stalkers"
Honestly your comment just comes off as ignorant.
Actually it shows these people are normal healthy humans. If you can just hit the off switch, youre the damaged one
Avoidants usually discard vs break up. Its super harsh and no closure is provided. Theyre often to ghost too.
Break up is for serious reasons. Avoidants just disappear or give you some stupid reasons to leave aka "You did this (something bad)5 years ago" or "I felt that it is not right" or "I feel I have to work and not waste time for stupid romances" etc.
I’m pretty sure you don’t know what you are talking about. Break ups are easy to get over. Discards are not, they are a jarring experience
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