Soooooo relatable! I've actually been waiting to see if you would ever bring this issue up of FAs actually being afraid to express how much their partner means to them for fear of giving away their power too much or leading their partner to take them for granted--it's been a HUGE issue for me. Glad to hear I'm not the only FA who has experienced this.
100% same here, and I’m a recovering FA. I have a few theories 1) Perhaps FA’s have negative experiences of this not being well received in past relationships (due to timing or coming off as anxious), 2) When people have done this to *US*, it has triggered *OUR* avoidant side, and we ASSUME others will react the same, or 3) It’s difficult for us to express these emotions without sounding anxious, or 4) We’re used to chasing DA’s (or other FA’s) who might be scared off by this, or 5) We’re used to chasing people who aren’t looking for a relationship (any attachment style), because their independence and the no-pressure gives us comfort, or 6) We simply view the risks of sharing this feeling as greater than the reward
I was doing my part .. he didn’t 🤷♀️I gave up . I don’t want to see /communicate with him At all😊 I realized he needs to grow up, healed, be in a better place but I’m too old for that❤
I understand what Thais is saying, the psychology behind the behavior. The problem is, at least for the FA in my life, that talking doesn’t help. I’ve tried and it’s like talking to a wall. He either doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to and he refuses to get the help he needs to heal. So silence is all I have left. I’m not trying to make him miss me, I just need the space for my own mental health.
I did the exact same thing, but here its about if they have THE CAPACITY to understand their own problem. Most of the cases it's a no. My ex didn't want to go to therapy which is becoming repulsive at this point. Were in no contact 2 months now, his friend texted me the other day to say that my ex is worried about me and is thinking about me. Two months in no contact was the limit for me to realise that none of my needs were met in this relationship not because he didn't want to he literally didn't have the capacity and this made me anxious, furious and unsatisfied so YES silence is the only thing left. I even think that at this point he won't contact me cause his friend told him we were texting and I was asking how my ex is. So definitely my ex will think im psycho and OF COURSE will just think he cant trust us cause we went and talked behind his back 🙄 He always finds reasons to not trust people so im tired
Same here. Trying to communicate and he shut down every single time. Just turned away or walk away and ignored my feeling completely. I cried like a baby and he just ignored me. Yet he walked away from the relationship and said something missing romantically after 10 months together and we were good 2 weeks before that too. I worked so hard to keep the relationship and he just walked away like it’s nothing to him
As a fearful avoidant I’ll say she is correct. Silence will make me stir crazy then leave you! I asked my most recent ex (when we were together but my ex was out of town) did she miss me she said no. I played it off but it hurt my feelings. The second and final time was recently. She spent a week at my house then went back to her place and didn’t reach out to me at all. I took the initiative and reached out and she responded timely. But because I didn’t like the silence and also feeling like I wasn’t thought of or missed. I decided to end the relationship. I didn’t like how okay my DA was with not talking to me for a whole week. Now my ex is out of sight and out of mind, and seldom do I think of her. It’s hard to attach to someone who you don’t even talk to. I realized what made me like her previously was my idea of her and the idea of wanting to get to know her. DA’s are hard to get to know. Once she finally revealed more of herself to me I still liked her but I didn’t like her DA tendencies, not enough for me to continue to tolerate the silent treatment, absence, and lack of presence. You’re better off with the annoyance of an AP than a DA. At least you know the AP is thinking about you 25/8 and even in their sleep. Seek secure, become secure.
FA's are so difficult.. I told a FA that I wanted to take distance after she hurt my feelings. I called her some days later, telling that I'm fine again. She said she was ok with the idea of taking distance and is giving me silent treatment now. I regret wanting to take distance in the first place :| Relationships shouldn't be power struggles. I know I activated her fears of abandonment, and now she's probably dealing with it by abandoning me.
@@j00f from my experience being FA you most likely were distance for too long or were not distance long enough. There’s no win or losing with us. It’s so unpredictable. I can give you a better idea if I knew if you were DA or AP?
I honestly find AP less appealing…I feel like in my experience at least AP struggle to be alone and will pretty much attach to anyone it doesn’t really make me feel special so I have a hard time knowing if they like me for me or if I soothe their codependency. It turns me off so much . Avoidants are difficult too, but if I feel more reassured they like me for me . I don’t have much dating experience but these are my assessment from the little I have as an FA
FA male. Dating either an AP or DA both come with massive hurdles but I agree with above, AP can feel so intensely amazing early on, but then you realise this is a constant from them, always on 100% with the attentiveness and wanting to spend time together etc, which again, at the start feels awesome but it quickly throws me into dismissive mode and I deactivate cus it’s overwhelming and makes me trust you/it less. With a DA, sure you’re basically bar brawling constantly with yourself as they trigger your anxious side so incredibly acutely it’s almost an innate ability they possess. It’s laughable in hindsight just how triggering DA’s can be to FA’s without a single conscious thought or act meaning to at all, but when things are good, it’s insanely good. I think we can understand more/empathise more with the dismissive side as we do it too when overwhelmed. Their cup is just a shot glass and fills quickly, whereas ours is like a pint and an AP feels like an unrelenting flood
For the love of everything good on earth when you see a person showing avoidant traits and not willing to compromise after you express how you feel then please tell them that you cant do it anymore and that they need therapy then move the hell on and never ever look back. I used to be a DA when i was younger but im now secure and trust me its not worth your time. Ive been on the receiving end as well and its a hard pill to swallow.
To the FA's on the thread I want to say: I truly empathize with whatever you went through to get you where you are. Please enroll in her program or get therapy and work on it. I have no ill will toward my ex FA, But as a 75%-ish secure/25% AP, I'm mostly on these videos to learn how to spot FA and never deal with it again. The shockingly fast flip from hot to cold and deactivation/dumping when things were going great is not something I'm ever willing to put myself through again, even though we really really connected. You deserve caring, secure partners, but we won't put up with much of this stuff. I wish you all a smooth journey to healing and towards secure.
Agreed. I'm SA. This relationship almost made me into AP after sudden deactivetion followed by a few months honeymoon. Now I think it's going well but still a long and hard trip ahead of us. If unfourtunately this failes, I will not date one in the future.
@@thomaspan6514 Best as I can tell a small proportion of my AP is from childhood because while my mom is a good and nurturing person, she's a pretty far introvert and wasn't always perfect on displays of affection. But half or more of it is from dating a very dramatic avoidant (with substance issues to boot) for years in my twenties. Working on reversing it, best of luck to you
100 percent agree... I'm AP leaning secure. Never again. I'm actually having trauma response listening about these behaviours and remembering what I witnessed. Brrrrr
Absolutely agree! I tried so hard with a FA only to be treated like dirt. I tried to be understanding at first because I understood the trauma he went through that made him that way. But with a FA unwilling to work through their trauma and put some effort into healing, it’s just nonstop BS and talking has zero effect. As much as I cared, I had to walk away.
Wow. Asking for more quality time was exactly the thing that made them blow up and ghost me, 19 months ago. That was the result of working up the courage to express that need.
Me too. The text after we broke up on the phone was "you're a person that needs a lot of attention" I wasn't, I just asked for quality time over the shitty quantity time he could only be bothered giving me
As partner to FA/DA and having been ghosted for a week as of now, I would be happy just having dialogue. I hope she is watching and can find the inner strength to rise above the attachment wounds and come towards me.
It's so painful having no idea, it's very selfish! I'm an AP with abandonment wounds....excruciating not at least thinking/considering the other person!!
I didn't think my relationship with my DA would last until I found thais's channel. I'm such an FA. I lean AP too. I've learnt a lot about my bf and myself. We have moved beyond the power struggle with communication and he's even told me he loves me. Something I was questioning if was possible for him to say. His actions are great, he calls me every day and we see each other regularly. Met the family. He's a total DA so does go quiet sometimes...but never fully vanishes. He talks to me about things bothering him etc. Its not been easy but we're finally getting somewhere so I want to say thank you for these invaluable videos. You really are making a big difference ❤️❤️
Hi! That sounds promising, how did you handle it? I'm anxious and my ex bf is FA/DA. Our relationship started casually but within 2 years we became best friends and we share the same values. We didn't see each other often but whenever we were together we always had a good time and he always confirmed that. He used to be initially negative about us doing " relationship things" such as staying at each other's house or traveling together but in the end he took the initiative. We always had a great time together even if we hanged out just for an hour for a coffee to catch up. Then he would disappear for a few days. I felt like he was punishing us just because we are having fun. He was seeking isolation and distance and while at first he didn't explain the reason, he started later to inform me that he needs space to deal with difficult personal issues that he didn't want to tell me about. After his space time always came to me. When I expressed my deeper feelings and asked for more commitment, he told me that he always want to be alone, free and not in a relationship. He insured that he has the same feelings for me and that while he found in me the values and things he wants, he struggles inside his mind and becomes self-destructive and destroys everything. He did this in the past with previous relationships. So, in order not to lose me as his best friend he prefers to end this and reduce communication to deal with his issues. We haven't talked in over 10 days. I respect his wish but I don't know how to deal with this.
You are so on point Thais! I actually went through these steps until I did not see the reciprocity, felt rejection, contempt, criticism and went to a shut down mode. But, on that avoidant place I learned a lot about myself, my needs, wants and boundaries, with your self development school. It is truly a blessing.
I think this is unfair though. Everyone says that and then they have sympathy for the anxious attachment style people. Avoidant attachment people are ALSO experiencing trauma… they present it differently.
@@xhiddenkittenx because anxiously attached partners actually DO NOT run from relationships. They keep trying to make it work. While the avoidant AVOIDs emotional reflection, runs away from it, and the more love you show them, the more they discard. Avoidant discards are the most excruciating emotional pain possible. Even losing a loved one in death doesn't compare.
Thank you. It makes sense. I've been in a FA and DA cycle for ten years. I'm the FA. Recently we came back together and shared six really fantastic months together, better than ever. I attribute that to doing the work on myself through this channel and therapy leading up to the reconciliation. I noticed positive outcomes and changes in him also. I practiced expressing my needs using scripts provided by Thais. The results were awesome. However, I did start noticing my DA creating more distance after things between us hit a peak level of intimacy. I was prepared for it this time which helped me soothe myself and ride the wave much more easily. It still took work to deal with anxiety but I could be with it and focus inward on myself vs outward on him. Unfortunately, he did give me a bit of whiplash with a sudden total withdrawal at the beginning of September. This video very accurately described my internal process this past month. I followed a script Thais provided in another video and sent a very brief voicemail three weeks later with a pic of me smiling. The zero response took me to the place Thais perfectly describes here. I didn't see the evidence he's missing me (typically he loves my pics and has responded quickly for several months to my messages even though this time around I really let him lead the majority of time). I felt a fire in me this past week. I had intense feelings of anger, rejection, etc. I felt POWERLESS. I felt overwhelmed by the stress of what to do. It had nothing to do with "getting him back", and everything to do with me wanting to feel like I was not weak. It's been the most exhausting week. No sleep. Do I never reach out again and go on knowing the door is still ajar AGAIN after ten years of this? Do I still want a relationship with him? The list of questions is endless. Last night, I took inspiration from another script of Thais to write a short email (I humbly admit I used to send ten part emails 🥴😵), and let him know I noticed he didn't respond. I really thought a lot about the DA internal process. So, no criticizing, etc. I simply stated that stonewalling isn't solution focused or healthy. For the first time in ten years I expressed how stonewalling impacts me and that I don't like it. I didn't overanalyze his stonewalling or make it my fault. I didn't blame him. I also stated I wouldn't reach out again and let him know it was okay and I agree if he needs and wants his freedom from us. I have no idea what he thinks, but I'm noticing I feel so much lighter today. My headache is gone, my muscles are loser, I slept better and my focus needs to be on me. I do miss his presence in my day and the grief is real. But I did something for myself to set myself free (psychologically) instead of just waiting and wondering. I really love this channel. Thank you for all your great content! It's truly changing my life for the better ❤️
Thank you for sharing. I’m in a very similar situation. I’m FA. My DA and I decided to take a one month break to work on ourselves and get clear about where we wanted our relationship to go. This cycle Thais describes is so accurate for the past month. For a couple weeks, I felt a lot of relief having little contact with him and focusing on myself. Then I started missing him and it felt sweet. We got together briefly for coffee last weekend and I had the sense he was not missing me. I think a more mature perspective is that he misses me but would like more time apart and that he is feeling a lot of relief not having to do the work of relationship. But after listening to this I realize I felt rejected and powerless. I’ve felt deactivated/numb but then can’t sleep at night.
Silence in my mind equals rejection. I first think maybe there is something wrong but if I find out you were silent just because, then it makes me want to leave because you don't care about me. I hate feeling like I care more than they do.
So relatable as a former FA, afraid to give real validation and words of affirmation, I would think it but could never say it, there was like a block. Think it is still there but now I force myself...
Yes, but we might not want you back, especially if the silence lasts too long or if there is a pattern of silent treatment/ghosting and zombieing (ghosting and returning like "from the dead"). Also, if the rejection is very clear and cruel or impolite, we might deactivate instantaneously and not feel much at all. Ever.
@sunbeam9222 it's been 5 weeks. I think he deleted my number this week. I was checking his WhatsApp last seen and put privacy settings on temporarily on off then on same day his goes off completely. ? Deactivating . What are you even meant to say I'm ap and he's fa. I wish he would reach out
FAs are so sensitive to how theyre treated, but when triggered by accident are so cruel. Ironic. I was silent to my FA but it was after he got triggered, had a meltdown over nothing and called me names. Then after my silence, he acts like the victim lol...wow.
I don't get it though -- in my experience, the FA was the ghoster. I only had it in me so many times to reach out and ask what was happening before I had to step away because I was feeling rejected. How, then, is someone supposed to show an FA they care if the FA is constantly disappearing?
Been in no contact with an FA for six weeks, but i tried to break that 3 weeks ago. Never got a response. Now I'm confused to try again because I know she's never going to reach out, so its on me to save whatever we have, and I can't seem to just let go. If I break no contact again, I just look desperate and needy and it all loses its effective-ness. If I leave it alone, she'll be too enmeshed in her own avoidant cycle to do anything besides rebound and replace me. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, either way she gets to lie, cheat, give up, and run away leaving me with all the emotional consequence. Messed up thing is, if she wasn't so avoidant, she would've been genuinely perfect for me ... What a world we live in ....
She'll be back eventually. They always come back, even if it's in an indirect way. Same thing happened to me two months ago and we are working things out. We have had some bumps in the road since then, but on the whole, it's much better this time around. The question you have to ask yourself is, when she does come back around, will you still want to be with her?
@@pythonpatrol1110 well I'm 6 months out from the break up, never heard a word from her, never tried to reach out again myself, and I'm currently seeing somebody that genuinely treats me better. I would love to hear from her again, but being with her would require a level of communication and emotional vulnerability that she just isn't capable of. I'd still kill to be with her because as I said, she was perfect for me, but at this point it doesn't matter what I actually want, it's just beyond both of our control whether it would actually work out or not, and not even because of our attachment styles but because of the time and everything that's happened since we broke up.
I do feel like I am giving my power away and not get the same level of attention or love back that I give out. It makes me feel rejected and unseen so I do distance my self and shut down the emotions so I don’t feel that way anymore. You explained that so well. ❤
I thought I was more of an AP til I listened to more of PDS's descriptive videos about FAs. For myself, I can say that the first couple of weeks to couple of months if the person is silent, I'm still usually blaming myself for whatever went wrong, willing to do it better, and wanting a do-over to fix the relationship. But if I don't get anything from that person during that window of opportunity, I'm gone forever and there is nothing that person can ever do after that to make me want them near me again. Along with that, whatever good things I remember about the relationship are usually obliterated at that point, and all I remember is how they hurt me and why I don't want anything to do with them.
Yeah, I'm the same way. And oddly, the breakup itself doesn't hurt near as much as the realization that that switch inside you has flipped off for good. It's like grieving the death of that little glimmer of hope, is more painful than anything else.
@bulldog1080p well, yeah it's the anxious avoidant trip. AP is having negative view of themselves and avoidance of a negative view of others, so anxious types are attracted to people who treat them the way they feel about themselves. Like the quote from the perks of being a wallflower - We accept the love we feel we deserve. That's why anxious types aren't attracted to other anxious types, because having someone who's super into you, constantly giving you compliments and gushing all over you just feels fundamentally wrong, so you're just not interested in people like that.
Ergo, there's no winning. It's a game of torture no matter what... Truly wanting to heal as an individual and wishing the best of luck to the FA to do the same is all you can do.
I had a friend of 11 years turn suitor recently. He would create intimacy in one breath by imagining us in these romantic scenarios, then smash it to bits in the next by bringing up a FWB he still hangs out with. I couldn’t handle the whiplash. We had a tense phone call and I said I was hurt. 17th day of radio silence. I don’t want to have to give signs I miss him. He was the hurtful one. Why am I always tiptoeing around his feelings when he brings a sledgehammer to mine?
My ex asked for space and was so annoyed i didn't chase. Said i should have been checking nearly daily. Then she wanted more of my time so i was organising dates but then said she'd been in her head and thinking she couldn't meet my wants n needs. She needed to be alone. I know now i must have triggered a core wound as she said i violated a boundary and she was finding it hard to let it go after we spoke. I apologised but wasn't enough. I didn't tell here about my financial struggles as i didn't want to worry her and it was something i wanted to deal with on my own. Im now back on track but she was having none of it and said i was dishonest and she was under the impression it was fine. Blaming me for everything. 😕
I was broken up with.. again by a FA after one month of dating. I know thats not what he wants.... But jesus, i cant keep going in this cycle where he breaks up (out of fear) and then waits for me to reach out, then he apologizes and says that he wants to be with me. Its been 5 days and i can feel him missing me, but I don't even know what to say to him. I can’t be the only one being vulnerable and taking responsibility. He ended things 3 times in the last month... i have too much self respect for this shit. I just wish he could see what i see, how amazing he is.
I was seeing this man for 5 months. Suddenly he said he DOESN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. He said he felt the PRESSURE that I want to have a serious relationship. He said he didnt have time because of work and just sees me as a friend. I accepted it but said that that it would be better If we don't see each other anymore, because I have feelings for him. He suddenly became VERY EMOTIONAL and it looked like he was about to CRY. It was very CONFUSING to me. I said thanks for everything and left. I have been in No Contact for 3 Months. So I think he will never come back. I will not try anything when he doesn't show any remorce or regret. Should I wait longer or just move on? (And it looks like to me that he is rebounding a lot but Im not sure)
Seeing you only as a friend makes him comfortable to not think about his own feelings. He is likely not ready yet to work on himself. Although if you are strong enough you can be "friends" and try to bring the "relationship" to a level where you both can work on it without pressure, but only do it when you are ready for all this over and over again. You will likely be get hurt again. You will both need to work on this and it's not granted that it will work out. I just try to tell you that pushing someone in the friendzone really doesn't mean that they only want to be friends. It's just their way of protecting themselves. If you can handle it: good! If not: that's completely okay, but then please walk away and protect yourself. But you should make a clear decision.
I'm curious to see if you guys ever spoke again? Honestly I'm so proud of you for doing that. My ex DA was like this and I twisted myself like a pretzel trying to make it work in a way that was comfortable to him while completely dismissing my own needs. I walked away 3 times but always ended up back in it because I really love him. We've gone between 1 week to 5 months without talking and one of us tries again. After this last time, I told him we've been doing this for too long and we need to move it forward or end it. I'm good now. We love and only see each other, but I'd rather be single than a longterm situationship.
@@disorder_go are you a DA? My ex DA went silent on me when I sent him a message about either us moving it in a relationship or moving on as we've been doing this for a couple of years now. In that message I also said something about needing more space than he does (I was trying to make him comfortable and not feel trapped) but didn't specify that part and he thought I was saying I needed space and said he was confused then went silent. I did too. We can't communicate for shit so I joined PDS to work on myself.
I’m an FA that leans secure after much self work. I have made huge strides on trying to communicate my needs to my DA. Literally crying before I speak asking for him to give me grace because communicating is so hard. Then when I communicated what I needed (he literally blew off my birthday. He didn’t forget. He blew it off. All he said was “I’m really glad that you were born”. Nothing else. He love bombed me in the beginning. But wow. The moment I bring up a need or try to communicate, he’s sulking for 3 days. Imagine pouting at someone for communicating to you that their feelings are hurt that you blew off their birthday. That is only 1 of several things but it was an emotional body slam for me. I won’t be able to move past it. How do you stay with some for 30 more years when they don’t care about your birthday even after you’ve told them how you feel. He said he’d make it up to me. It’s been 6 weeks since my birthday. Crickets.
My therapist told me my ex see's me as easy because I would state my boundaries and not enforce them. Don't be like me. Enforce them and if he breaks them, go home and tell him why you're leaving. You have just as much power as him. My ex stopped me from breaking up with him by promising his commitment to our future. I regret that. Don't be me. Leave him. These turds will give you crumbs of their time and when you're out the door, they'll say what you want to hear, knowing they won't follow through. He would make false promises and then get mad at me when I would follow up on his own words and see actual actions. I pushed him to keep his word to me and I don't care. I made him uncomfortable and I don't care. He threw a tantrum and deactivated on me because I wasn't treating him like the child he is, but an adult in a committed relationship that he told me the day before he wanted more than anything. He ended up yelling at me to stfu on the phone and I immediately broke up with, although he thinks he broke up with me
Tais you are a great human i'm happy to have discovered your channels and helped me find therapy to heal and to find true love and happiness i am on this path and i hope for the best.
I love my FA ex so much. But this is the 2nd time we’ve broken up in the past 3 years. Being engaged, living together.. I’m not reaching out and fixing it like I did before. How selfish can these ppl be? It’s so sad
This cannot be more accurate. To me there’s so much I want to express, and I can be so warm and affectionate, but just shut down and goes completely silent when I don’t feel it’s reciprocated…and it’s not because I don’t miss the person (in fact I miss them a lot) but so afraid of feeling more rejection and refused to give my power away.
We had a beautiful connection with FA where both sides reciprocated to one another. Unfortunately the FA broke it off one night after the movies saying I deserve someone who has same feelings back. This was 2.5 weeks ago and silence.from him.
Everything Thais said here in bang on! When you experience it you could see the backing away, the testing, and the person thinking they always have to be "strong" by not feeling their "vulnerable & weak" feelings. For FAs here: What do you think helps you trust a least some people in this world when you've had a history of people breaking trust?
I can only speak for myself, but I trust congruence and consistency. I detetmine people's character over time, not from one or a few good interactions. I also trust people who don't try to get me to share more than I am comfortable with. Any attempt to get me to open up needs to be very very gentle or I'll want to clam up and run away. I also don't volunteer a lot of information, which I realize makes this tricky for people around me.
How are you supposed to do no contact and still get it right where the FA feels you aren’t just ignoring them and that you miss them a bit? It’s all so so complicated.
Yet another fab & informative video. Thanks for all you do Thais & the rest of the PDS team. I haven't received such helpful & in depth info regarding attachment from anywhere else. You guys rock! 👌🏽🤙🏽
It's exactly under those conditions. You are the most astute person I've ever heard on insecurely attached people's thoughts. Of course not everything applies to everyone and certainly not all these seem apply to me. But, I really identify with fearful avoidant attachment with times of anxious-preoccuppied. I don't have a problem communicating but sometimes I am not as clear and direct as I could be because I'm so activated by fear. I'll accuse in hopes of a refutation instead of saying it as I'm scared you're doing x again. Things like that. I feel I used to be much better with boundaries, codependency, etc but after I felt abandoned by my bff's and then had my first bf cheat on me so much, I just went off the deep end.
Haven't watched the video yet but as a FA, I can say that I'm LOSING MY MIND MISSING HIM AFTER I TOLD HIM WE SHOULD JUST STAY AS FRIENDS lmao sorry for venting I just miss him sm :')
Then change that. I can only assume he's hurting too. If you ended it, then its your move to reestablish connection. If that's not what you want, then don't reach out. Feelings go both ways
@@kaymanguy You are absolutely right on me being the one that should reestablish things. But all the jokes aside, the reason why I told him that is because I'm truly scared of hurting or damaging him in any way while I'm in therapy, reading about these stuff, learning about why I'm doing the things I'm doing, trying to heal myself. Just purely terrified of hurting him in the process. So now I'm doing all these things hoping that someday I can go back to him in a better form of myself where I'm more confident that chances of him being hurt are lower. But now I'm hurting pretty bad because sometimes I'm like, am I making this all up? Because I'm now aware that I have tendencies of sabotaging myself. I'm a bit lost, to be honest. And I'm sorry because you're right, he's hurt as well. I'm still continuing on venting haha sorry
been both in ur position and his position. both is equally painful. now im dealing with an FA i really liked after he told me we should stay friends. it’s been a month of no contact idk if i should reach out because i really miss him and i feel like he misses me too. i hope he finally wants something more with me, but even if he doesn’t then i guess we stay friends haha
Dead on. Initially, I miss the person, and then I disconnect, move on and am just done. This process takes me 3-7 days. When I'm at the "just done" stage, I feel so disconnected from the person and situation that reconnecting seems unnatural, like I don't know them anymore and don't see any point in talking to them. If the relationship hasn't ended yet at this point, I'll end it.
And i don’t trust to get close to people because it happens every time is when i get vulnerable with someone they distance themselves or it’s just unsafe for me to get close to someone. I avoid relationships at all costs. Single life!
@@michaelmich00 not sure if you’re responding to my comment or another one. Since I have received the stamp of “no cluster b personality disorder” from my psychologist, I would have to blame my attachment style. Which I’m still working on and making progress with.
so should i reach out to my FA ex girlfriend? she broke up with me suddenly when things got serious, been in no contact for 5 days , do i stay silent or text her??
I was talking to mine for 3 months, he finally opened up after two months and we started dating. He even said he wanted meet his family etc. He expressed his job has been demanding.. haven't heard from him in 3 weeks
You can if you put in the work there are a lot of FAs in the school that have become more secure, I am one of them, Thais used to be FA too and now she's married.
@@cappygurl she was with her current partner before becoming secure, her partner was a DA but because she was communicating her feelings, needs and boundaries it helped them both
@@FruityHachi She said she was on her way to being secure but not fully secure when they got together. They became more secure together. The point of my comment does not change, if people do the work and gain more security they can have successful healthy relationships.
@@cappygurl that's what i'm saying the point of your comment does change because you did not say what you're saying now you said that she's now married once she's no longer an FA, which made it seem like the op will get married only once they're secure, but marriage also does not equal secure attachment but now you're saying something different, that if people do the work and gain more security they can have successful healthy relationships
I have been through this, i have CPTSD from being with an FA, even through ive been to threapy and understand his attachment, i would not recommend being with them, it will cost you your life, i dont say that lightly. Please use this information to spot them, not as a way to make it work
I’m AP and my ex is FA. He left in the middle of the relationship bc he “had doubts.” It was very sudden and our relationship was going great. Took me by surprise. I reached out to him a few times and he responded and talked like nothing happened. Doing NC right now but I miss him bad. Idk what to do.
Omg Heck Yeah Silence totally makes me miss my former DA Best Friend!! So Bad, miss her so much. For awhile it was cool and then lately I really miss the synergy we had. Her presence in my life. Stuff I appreciate so much more now that I didn't before. I totally feel Rejected. Shut down and avoidant happens too. The Distance and Silence lack of communication is excruciating. I think abt what I need to change and do better and improve and what is the solution. I totally seek solutions and repair. But yes I did test like once or twice. And Said Once that if she doesn't step up I'm losing interest in Attempting to Try to communicate with heart to heart emotional.presence. she would claim so many untrue things about me! So inaccurate! And I wanted to have understanding And apologize for my part and also hear where she messed up. It's been awhile and I'm slightly embarrassed to say I miss her. I DID Ask for us to have quality time and she kept ignoring me and was annoyed at ALL my many tries and Attempts. I wanted to share about what got me into HSP overwhelm and lashing out and the shame about all that.poor communication. I messed up too. I wish we could have a heart to heart and we didn't have closure.
I need an FA's take on this.... my fa deactivated then came back I noticed a pattern when she would drink she would really come on to me get sober and regret her actions... well the last time I told her to stop texting me when she's drunk stop telling me she loves me because when she's sober she tells me how we're not on the same page it's like she wants me but doesn't... I feel like I gave her a huge rejection when I told her to stop texting me while she was drunk and she's deactivated pretty hard is this one of those indefinite deactivations where I won't see or talk to her again?
As an FA leaning DA who has occasionally dipped my toe in vulnerable feelings when drinking, here's my perspective: My reaction if I was her would be to go full DA mode, throw my hands up in the air and say "okay, well then, fuck it". Don't expect her to initiate contact. She might respond to you if you reach out, though. She probably still has feelings for you, but she's not in touch with them when she's sober. If you do reach out, be gentle and sincere. Offer to work through your issues together, without putting pressure on her.
@@elliexir9091 it's been about 2 weeks and she really doesn't feel like talking we have a child together which is a little hard cuz we just keep it about that I've offered my apologies but she is still in deactivation mode I don't push I don't ask questions I just keep it about the baby and that's it try to keep it casual she seems to be getting along just fine she shows no interest and that's okay I'm just trying to be cool
Thanks for the insightful video! One question comes to my mind: if going no contact with a fearful avoidant ex, is it better to let them know you will not initiate any contact for a while, or just go no contact directly? She shut down once after trying to reconcile saying she wasn’t feeling it from the start, but I honestly think she just got scared of her emotions again. From the fearful side of them, it would be better to let them know why they are not going to hear from you, but from the avoidant part, I think it would be better to just go no contact directly as it would probably help them live with the consequences of the breakup? I am really torn here.
From my perspective as a FA, I just “broke up” with someone I was seeing. I got freaked out and started thinking he must be lying to me about his feelings for me. The next morning he said that he can’t handle us talking to each other so he isn’t going to respond from now on. He’s always been so solid and upfront with his boundaries, and I really appreciate that he took the time to tell me.
I’m afraid to even reach out to my FA ex. He was pretty adamant about being over the relationship aspect and is not attracted to me in that way anymore. My emotions after moving in and feeling rushed - on my end - overwhelmed him greatly.
Hey Tiffany, so sorry to hear about your situation :’( I am in a similar boat. He tells me he wants me to forget him and move on. And that my love was too “intense”. We were only together for 2 months and we had only met twice. It was hot and cold. I’m in no contact with him for 2 weeks already. Did he ever reach out to you again? I still want him back badly. I miss him terribly. I can’t stop wondering if he’ll ever reach out again.
I think avoidants will not ever miss you when they resents you because of absurd, ridicolous reasons created in their sick heads just to justify their decision to break up with you. However I wonder if after breakup, and after leaving her alone and going no contact for many weeks she will not feel resentment to me and her feelings to me will come back when she will start missing me. I never hurt her btw. I am just curious
started seeing this FA girl 3 months ago and 2 months into the relationship everything went great until she got the news that her grandpa in Sweden in passing away within a month from cancer and she booked a flight to go see him. The flight was still a week away so naturally i wanted to see her one more time before she left, but she got defensive and said she's scared of associating me with the trauma and that theres alot on her mind rn. So i told her Im gonna give her time and space and to take care (since i know FAs need space) Her last message was "Take care
@ninjakiller999 just keep it moving. These people are so very exhausting and usually never seek help to improve their behaviors and issues. I suspect it's because they are covert narcissist! Ì dated one for over a year, it wasn't worth it more of a freaking headache and heartbreak.
What if they jumped into a rebound relationship? She is keeping this guy a secret but I found out so I have done no contact and told her to leave me alone. I don’t really want her to leave me alone but I will not get into a love triangle.
my FA ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago and we've not had any contact since. The way it ended, its not clear who initiated the break up. It could easily be viewed as her breaking up with me, or vice versa. So there's a possibility if she feels that I left her, that she will be reluctant to risk vulnerability and rejection by reaching out. I think a break and reset is needed so I don't regret breaking up, but I do want to clear the air. Based on this video, I worry about missing that small window from when she might be missing me to when she will feel rejected and swing to being avoidant. Any advice or suggestions on how to proceed? Thais has advised that the FA starts to feel their emotions after 3 to 4 weeks....
Yes, but it could take a long time, too long for healthy people. I, FA-healing, almost resent my DA-ex when I long for what we could've been, him. I resent the vulnerability I feel and unrequited longing. Now to listen to what Thais says about FAs
Should I reach out to my FA being a Secure Attatchment Type? We ended a month ago when I couldn’t handle it anymore… I understand now what her reactions are. And I’m having second thoughts on reaching out; due to the words and actions that I’ve put in. Compared to the lack of effort on her behalf
Tais pls can u make a video where a fearful avoidant have more than one relationship not to get attached ..... but they have someone they love between the relationship plssss
Most of the time, no. It activates abandonment wounds which makes an FA shut down. They would be pretty angry and untrusting if they did. It would increase the fear moving forward that the partner would go no contact again. It creates resentment.
@@SirValeous Yes, because FAs need safety before taking action. It’s not fair, but that is how it feels. Fear of rejection runs very high and I’m only 25% FA.
I feel like so many times my FA soulmate needs no contact for months when we break up but then eventually she reaches out and makes contact and then I have to be open and not rejecting if I feel like they want to do the work to rebuild after the breakup. In the past if I didn’t go no contact either they would still be deactivated and want nothing to do with me or I would experience the push/pull relationship and they would end up needing more space and time. Sometimes this process went on for 10 months. Where if I went no contact and let them reach out when they were ready it allowed them the time to process and miss what they had. Then we can begin reconciling. However this is the 3rd time this has happened and as an former anxious avoidant who has done the work and is still working on becoming secure I am not sure it is in my best interest to take them back this time unless they have done some major work on healing their FA attachment and being willing to become secure. Otherwise I am setting myself up for more heartache and pain and as I become more secure I realize I need to take care of my relationship with myself first and not make myself unprotectedly vulnerable again. That would be my advice on no contact.
The million dollar question is do they ever reach out??? I had distanced a few weeks bc of his insensitive comments, waiting for an apology that never came. So I broke the ice. Not long after he was mean and spiteful so I more or less said goodbye over text, “if that’s what u want,” I said, bc he had said we’re not dating or together. So I cannot reach out now! Will he??? 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy why are you stuck on this guy? I've seen a lot of your comments and he doesn't seem interested yet you keep chasing and wanting this to work.
im stuck with my FA. a long story filled with sighs I dont even know if its reparable at this poinbt but i know we both deeply loved eachother. alot...
So how In The world can 2 FAs fix a break up. We are both dealing with this. That being said we live together and he would be nice then mean or triggered… back and forth and back and forth . But he is more avoidant now he’s being completely cold. I did try to talk but he will not discuss issues so he ignores my needs or makes up what I’m trying to say in his head
It’s not safe to be vulnerable with anyone. I cannot cry in front of people either people will shame me for that. I’m getting more and more hard as my life goes on. One of these days men will start calling me more masculine because they caused it by not allowing me to feel safe in my vulnerability. It’s not safe to be a soft woman in a hard man’s world. When they have so much misogyny and resentment towards women for giving birth to them
Many men of goodwill…have justified resentment towards women…because of how women treat them, generally. My mother taught me me to be sensitive. I will listen to women talk about her feelings.
I used to be FA and when i was done i was done. Now im AP now dated in an FA so i dont feel he will be back. To stubborn to see it for what it is with work
My DA won’t stop texting me after our breakup 3 months ago. That was the second time he broke up with me, and this time I have maintained my boundaries and stopped contact. I let him know I cannot be friends. Why does he keep trying to talk to me casually despite my silence?
Maybe it's because he knows he can't have access to you anymore.🤷🏾♂️ or DA’s are a lot slower in discovering their feelings so he probably realized a little to late.
@@jadint1793 thank you for the insight. It’s so hard to maintain boundaries when you care, but it’s good as I’m becoming secure and seek an emotionally available partner.
It's not triggering the deepest fears of a DA if you are being distant, he feels safe talking to you now, but if you would get back and want to work on a relationship, he would get triggered and act distant again.
@@staceylicata you are so right; an endless cycle. I struggle between feeling empathy and responding versus ignoring him to protect myself from time waste.
@@anon_ya i'm in the exact same situation, i totally understand. I'm FA (who did a ton of healing work) that fell in love with a DA years ago, he now acknowledges that he has this attachment style but is just starting to understand/heal (and DA's can move very slowly) anyhow i've walked away two months ago and he is still writing to me at this moment and wants to see me "just one time" , and everytime i put a boundery or express my honest vulnerable opinion, he agrees and is sweet about it, but it's like he always pushes me to have to say no over and over again, and it's so hard, like it's testing my willpower, and i also always want to be kind in my reply towards him as i wouldn't want to hurt him, i know he is trying to heal. And i'm thorn between wanting to connect with him and having every cell in my body saying to just let go, as i know exactly where it would go and i've had enough of doing this to myself, i'm ready for someone's that ready
How do you get the fa to self realize and do the work?? She watched a fa video and said it helped her.. but then she got busy at work and fell right back into saying "we didn't work". But she seems to think that in the future we will talk this over and be "whatever universe wishes us to be" so... Leaving the door open. But the reality is the door won't be open much longer because I'm almost back home and will start dating again. I guess I just need to be straight with her and say look you need to read more about this stuff and realize that most of what you said that was bad was actually your own mind having a reaction because you were detaching.
Did you end up telling her? I'm torn between walking away without a word and walking away after sending one final email sharing helpful info on his attachment style to hopefully set him on his healing path. I don't think I want him back at this point but I want this experience with me to at least have been useful for him in realizing his unhealthy patterns and how controlled by his trauma and fear brain he can become. He thinks of himself as a loving, kind and caring person and he is most of the time but he can also become an absolute monster during fights, being really cruel with his words and tone and completely devoid of empathy. Have you experienced that too?
@@soleanna7 So what happened with my story is that I returned to town, contacted her, she said she didn't want to see me at all & blocked me. I started dating.. two weeks later she contacts me, we get together and it's like there was no distance or time that had passed. Everything great again.. for about a month and then things started to get weird. She became sick and cancelled plans we had to go out of town. Then she went on a trip with her friend and was very chatty up to the last day. she went quiet and when she returned to town she didn't come to see me. send me a video of her meowing with her cat.. completely expressionless. Then next day she's back all lovey dovey. and 2 more weeks hanging out having a pretty good time right up to the last days and she then gets weird again. doesn't want to touch one night and then she breaks up with me. says she had met someone... Anyways long story short.. I am pretty sure that she had something much more severe than fearful avoidance... more like borderline personality disorder.
I've given back..we had/have a connection but then be hot/cold....when I give back or needed more, he then would retract like im/it's to much, shuts down when I ask where we are at, I felt like I was only accepting breadcrumbs & got tired of it, I tried to explain this only recently & he said he only wants to be friends.....so painful/triggering, why have connection together yet feel he never wanted anything more, am resentful a bit, we both have wounds from our past....mine being childhood/rejection/abandonment... How do I deal with these emotions/feelings when we are also colleagues?? How do I ask the right questions to get the truth/answers, or for him to open up at least instead of mixed msgs, which we are both guilty of 😢
The title of this video needs to be change to: "Find out if the man-child you thought you were in a adult relationship with who has been emotionally neglecting you for months threw a tantrum when confronted and discarded you like garbage is thinking of you" 😒 No therapist should be telling anyone to try and acclimate they're emotional needs to whims of Fearful avoidants
We dated for 6 months, went on 5 dates and after the last date she said she had no feelings for me but wanted to continue to text me(probably a FA, not sure) and we said that we should try again after new year, after that I stopped responding to her text and didn't watch her snap story and after a week she unfriended me on snapchat and I did 1 month of no contact. So I texted her on new years eve, until now she hasn't replied back, is it over ?
If anyone can answer this that would be great. What if I told my FA partner I loved them and wanted to work on the relationship but I’m I going to respect the boundary that they don’t want to talk at the moment but to reach out if they ever changed their mind about wanting to be together and went into no contact. How would I know if they are testing etc…
I did and we reconnected two months later. after a few different conversations it came to my attention there was no winning for me. It seemed like she cared way to much about other peoples opinion, so I told her the same thing again but I couldn't be the only one fighting for the relationship and that I was done trying and walked. since then both her and her sister creep my page from time to time. @@letsgooooooo111
what if you broke up with them? they think you wants silence ? i dont know what to do should i text my FA ex girlfriend who suddenly broke up with me a week ago, ive been in no contact because thought that she wants that and im upset of course she broke up with me
Can they still miss you if after breakup I cried and reached out and then they told me to move on and it was to much if I give enough space will they come back
Is it possible to make friends with a FA after being in a situationship with them? After our little break up i just wish we could go back to how we started which was friends for 6 months before we got attached. Im currently being avoided by her at my store (she was a customer that i met) and sometimes she comes in so i be left a little confused on whether she wants to still speak to me or not
FA male here. There is a chance I would say if you were friends beforehand. But it really depends how much they’ve already forgotten about you and moved on and how good they felt the friendship was before the sex. They’d likely rather not though as if they had no feelings for you, would be worried you would for them and it wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
I haven't yet watched the video but as an FA I can tell you that we do miss you for some time. But if they take too long to come back we do forget them. And might not trust them when they come back. Or we will just let you in but we won't be able to trust you for a very very long time. And this I think everybody including AP and DA get wrong about FAs they expect us to act like before and when we don't they think that we are playing mind games. But for me I'm not playing any game it's just harder for me to let go of any mistake that you've done I do test you for very long before I can trust you again...and people usually loose patience there...I want someone to take things slowly so that it doesn't overwhelm us. I'm trying to be more secure but I don't think even if I'm secure I will be someone forgiving who respects my boundaries. Be it AP s who take my need for space as rejection and pressurize me and become passive aggressive or DA who would go silent on me when I try to address an issue or state my boundaries and then not take their apology immediately and then they'll pursue me and then blame me for being distant and go silent again. Yes FA needs a lot of patience and sometimes when they don't provide anything in return but when we love you we will make you feel seen and heard. Unlike the DA s who are also equally challenging but even then they'll never be able to offer you the same empathy that FA can
That's was soo spot on Thias and very apt. I'm an FA, right now I'm in the beginnings of a new budding relationship. Missing the person and started swinging into AP, checking myself and then getting back into my FA camp 🏕 to protect myself incase it all goes pear shaped and I'm wrong about how he feels.
10 days no contact after break up and FA sent the vague check in. Fascinating.
Soooooo relatable! I've actually been waiting to see if you would ever bring this issue up of FAs actually being afraid to express how much their partner means to them for fear of giving away their power too much or leading their partner to take them for granted--it's been a HUGE issue for me. Glad to hear I'm not the only FA who has experienced this.
100% same here, and I’m a recovering FA. I have a few theories 1) Perhaps FA’s have negative experiences of this not being well received in past relationships (due to timing or coming off as anxious), 2) When people have done this to *US*, it has triggered *OUR* avoidant side, and we ASSUME others will react the same, or 3) It’s difficult for us to express these emotions without sounding anxious, or 4) We’re used to chasing DA’s (or other FA’s) who might be scared off by this, or 5) We’re used to chasing people who aren’t looking for a relationship (any attachment style), because their independence and the no-pressure gives us comfort, or 6) We simply view the risks of sharing this feeling as greater than the reward
All of this! ❤
YES! ❤
love is something beautiful when both parties surrender to it. wish more FA's would open up and get over their trauma
Same
Exhausting. Better to move on to someone healthy
Update?
I was doing my part .. he didn’t 🤷♀️I gave up . I don’t want to see /communicate with him At all😊 I realized he needs to grow up, healed, be in a better place but I’m too old for that❤
I understand what Thais is saying, the psychology behind the behavior. The problem is, at least for the FA in my life, that talking doesn’t help. I’ve tried and it’s like talking to a wall. He either doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to and he refuses to get the help he needs to heal. So silence is all I have left. I’m not trying to make him miss me, I just need the space for my own mental health.
I did the exact same thing, but here its about if they have THE CAPACITY to understand their own problem. Most of the cases it's a no. My ex didn't want to go to therapy which is becoming repulsive at this point. Were in no contact 2 months now, his friend texted me the other day to say that my ex is worried about me and is thinking about me. Two months in no contact was the limit for me to realise that none of my needs were met in this relationship not because he didn't want to he literally didn't have the capacity and this made me anxious, furious and unsatisfied so YES silence is the only thing left. I even think that at this point he won't contact me cause his friend told him we were texting and I was asking how my ex is. So definitely my ex will think im psycho and OF COURSE will just think he cant trust us cause we went and talked behind his back 🙄 He always finds reasons to not trust people so im tired
Same here. Trying to communicate and he shut down every single time. Just turned away or walk away and ignored my feeling completely. I cried like a baby and he just ignored me. Yet he walked away from the relationship and said something missing romantically after 10 months together and we were good 2 weeks before that too. I worked so hard to keep the relationship and he just walked away like it’s nothing to him
As a fearful avoidant I’ll say she is correct. Silence will make me stir crazy then leave you! I asked my most recent ex (when we were together but my ex was out of town) did she miss me she said no. I played it off but it hurt my feelings.
The second and final time was recently. She spent a week at my house then went back to her place and didn’t reach out to me at all. I took the initiative and reached out and she responded timely.
But because I didn’t like the silence and also feeling like I wasn’t thought of or missed. I decided to end the relationship.
I didn’t like how okay my DA was with not talking to me for a whole week.
Now my ex is out of sight and out of mind, and seldom do I think of her.
It’s hard to attach to someone who you don’t even talk to. I realized what made me like her previously was my idea of her and the idea of wanting to get to know her. DA’s are hard to get to know. Once she finally revealed more of herself to me I still liked her but I didn’t like her DA tendencies, not enough for me to continue to tolerate the silent treatment, absence, and lack of presence. You’re better off with the annoyance of an AP than a DA. At least you know the AP is thinking about you 25/8 and even in their sleep.
Seek secure, become secure.
The 25/8 made me laugh 😅 (I’m an AP)
FA's are so difficult.. I told a FA that I wanted to take distance after she hurt my feelings. I called her some days later, telling that I'm fine again. She said she was ok with the idea of taking distance and is giving me silent treatment now. I regret wanting to take distance in the first place :| Relationships shouldn't be power struggles. I know I activated her fears of abandonment, and now she's probably dealing with it by abandoning me.
@@j00f from my experience being FA you most likely were distance for too long or were not distance long enough. There’s no win or losing with us. It’s so unpredictable. I can give you a better idea if I knew if you were DA or AP?
I honestly find AP less appealing…I feel like in my experience at least AP struggle to be alone and will pretty much attach to anyone it doesn’t really make me feel special so I have a hard time knowing if they like me for me or if I soothe their codependency. It turns me off so much . Avoidants are difficult too, but if I feel more reassured they like me for me . I don’t have much dating experience but these are my assessment from the little I have as an FA
FA male. Dating either an AP or DA both come with massive hurdles but I agree with above, AP can feel so intensely amazing early on, but then you realise this is a constant from them, always on 100% with the attentiveness and wanting to spend time together etc, which again, at the start feels awesome but it quickly throws me into dismissive mode and I deactivate cus it’s overwhelming and makes me trust you/it less. With a DA, sure you’re basically bar brawling constantly with yourself as they trigger your anxious side so incredibly acutely it’s almost an innate ability they possess. It’s laughable in hindsight just how triggering DA’s can be to FA’s without a single conscious thought or act meaning to at all, but when things are good, it’s insanely good. I think we can understand more/empathise more with the dismissive side as we do it too when overwhelmed. Their cup is just a shot glass and fills quickly, whereas ours is like a pint and an AP feels like an unrelenting flood
Oh my goodness she is so right. This is exactly what I do. If I feel rejected I shut down and go into avoidance.
For the love of everything good on earth when you see a person showing avoidant traits and not willing to compromise after you express how you feel then please tell them that you cant do it anymore and that they need therapy then move the hell on and never ever look back. I used to be a DA when i was younger but im now secure and trust me its not worth your time. Ive been on the receiving end as well and its a hard pill to swallow.
exactly !!! its hard shit to swallow. they are so great people and retarded at same time. their pain inside is so much to deal with, it just hurts...
To the FA's on the thread I want to say: I truly empathize with whatever you went through to get you where you are. Please enroll in her program or get therapy and work on it. I have no ill will toward my ex FA, But as a 75%-ish secure/25% AP, I'm mostly on these videos to learn how to spot FA and never deal with it again. The shockingly fast flip from hot to cold and deactivation/dumping when things were going great is not something I'm ever willing to put myself through again, even though we really really connected. You deserve caring, secure partners, but we won't put up with much of this stuff.
I wish you all a smooth journey to healing and towards secure.
Agreed. I'm SA. This relationship almost made me into AP after sudden deactivetion followed by a few months honeymoon. Now I think it's going well but still a long and hard trip ahead of us. If unfourtunately this failes, I will not date one in the future.
@@thomaspan6514 Best as I can tell a small proportion of my AP is from childhood because while my mom is a good and nurturing person, she's a pretty far introvert and wasn't always perfect on displays of affection. But half or more of it is from dating a very dramatic avoidant (with substance issues to boot) for years in my twenties. Working on reversing it, best of luck to you
Thank you
100 percent agree... I'm AP leaning secure. Never again. I'm actually having trauma response listening about these behaviours and remembering what I witnessed. Brrrrr
Absolutely agree! I tried so hard with a FA only to be treated like dirt. I tried to be understanding at first because I understood the trauma he went through that made him that way. But with a FA unwilling to work through their trauma and put some effort into healing, it’s just nonstop BS and talking has zero effect. As much as I cared, I had to walk away.
Wow. Asking for more quality time was exactly the thing that made them blow up and ghost me, 19 months ago. That was the result of working up the courage to express that need.
Yup...they run away
@@melc_91yep and far
Me too. The text after we broke up on the phone was "you're a person that needs a lot of attention"
I wasn't, I just asked for quality time over the shitty quantity time he could only be bothered giving me
@@Make1984FictionAgain that’s what I dread. Working up the courage and then being rejected, which is my core round.
As partner to FA/DA and having been ghosted for a week as of now, I would be happy just having dialogue. I hope she is watching and can find the inner strength to rise above the attachment wounds and come towards me.
It's so painful having no idea, it's very selfish! I'm an AP with abandonment wounds....excruciating not at least thinking/considering the other person!!
Same situation. Has she ever reached out to you? Or did you end reaching out to her?
I didn't think my relationship with my DA would last until I found thais's channel. I'm such an FA. I lean AP too. I've learnt a lot about my bf and myself. We have moved beyond the power struggle with communication and he's even told me he loves me. Something I was questioning if was possible for him to say. His actions are great, he calls me every day and we see each other regularly. Met the family. He's a total DA so does go quiet sometimes...but never fully vanishes. He talks to me about things bothering him etc. Its not been easy but we're finally getting somewhere so I want to say thank you for these invaluable videos. You really are making a big difference ❤️❤️
Hi! That sounds promising, how did you handle it? I'm anxious and my ex bf is FA/DA. Our relationship started casually but within 2 years we became best friends and we share the same values. We didn't see each other often but whenever we were together we always had a good time and he always confirmed that. He used to be initially negative about us doing " relationship things" such as staying at each other's house or traveling together but in the end he took the initiative. We always had a great time together even if we hanged out just for an hour for a coffee to catch up. Then he would disappear for a few days. I felt like he was punishing us just because we are having fun. He was seeking isolation and distance and while at first he didn't explain the reason, he started later to inform me that he needs space to deal with difficult personal issues that he didn't want to tell me about. After his space time always came to me.
When I expressed my deeper feelings and asked for more commitment, he told me that he always want to be alone, free and not in a relationship. He insured that he has the same feelings for me and that while he found in me the values and things he wants, he struggles inside his mind and becomes self-destructive and destroys everything. He did this in the past with previous relationships. So, in order not to lose me as his best friend he prefers to end this and reduce communication to deal with his issues. We haven't talked in over 10 days. I respect his wish but I don't know how to deal with this.
How are things now?
You are so on point Thais! I actually went through these steps until I did not see the reciprocity, felt rejection, contempt, criticism and went to a shut down mode. But, on that avoidant place I learned a lot about myself, my needs, wants and boundaries, with your self development school. It is truly a blessing.
So get your response!!!
Avoidants make terrible partner's. Real love isnt absence and mind games
I think this is unfair though. Everyone says that and then they have sympathy for the anxious attachment style people. Avoidant attachment people are ALSO experiencing trauma… they present it differently.
@@xhiddenkittenx because anxiously attached partners actually DO NOT run from relationships. They keep trying to make it work. While the avoidant AVOIDs emotional reflection, runs away from it, and the more love you show them, the more they discard. Avoidant discards are the most excruciating emotional pain possible. Even losing a loved one in death doesn't compare.
They literally defy the very essence and definition of human connection and love.
Anxious too
@@The_whimsical_avoidantcopeperfectly said
Thank you. It makes sense. I've been in a FA and DA cycle for ten years. I'm the FA. Recently we came back together and shared six really fantastic months together, better than ever. I attribute that to doing the work on myself through this channel and therapy leading up to the reconciliation. I noticed positive outcomes and changes in him also. I practiced expressing my needs using scripts provided by Thais. The results were awesome. However, I did start noticing my DA creating more distance after things between us hit a peak level of intimacy. I was prepared for it this time which helped me soothe myself and ride the wave much more easily. It still took work to deal with anxiety but I could be with it and focus inward on myself vs outward on him. Unfortunately, he did give me a bit of whiplash with a sudden total withdrawal at the beginning of September. This video very accurately described my internal process this past month. I followed a script Thais provided in another video and sent a very brief voicemail three weeks later with a pic of me smiling. The zero response took me to the place Thais perfectly describes here. I didn't see the evidence he's missing me (typically he loves my pics and has responded quickly for several months to my messages even though this time around I really let him lead the majority of time). I felt a fire in me this past week. I had intense feelings of anger, rejection, etc. I felt POWERLESS. I felt overwhelmed by the stress of what to do. It had nothing to do with "getting him back", and everything to do with me wanting to feel like I was not weak. It's been the most exhausting week. No sleep. Do I never reach out again and go on knowing the door is still ajar AGAIN after ten years of this? Do I still want a relationship with him? The list of questions is endless. Last night, I took inspiration from another script of Thais to write a short email (I humbly admit I used to send ten part emails 🥴😵), and let him know I noticed he didn't respond. I really thought a lot about the DA internal process. So, no criticizing, etc. I simply stated that stonewalling isn't solution focused or healthy. For the first time in ten years I expressed how stonewalling impacts me and that I don't like it. I didn't overanalyze his stonewalling or make it my fault. I didn't blame him. I also stated I wouldn't reach out again and let him know it was okay and I agree if he needs and wants his freedom from us. I have no idea what he thinks, but I'm noticing I feel so much lighter today. My headache is gone, my muscles are loser, I slept better and my focus needs to be on me. I do miss his presence in my day and the grief is real. But I did something for myself to set myself free (psychologically) instead of just waiting and wondering. I really love this channel. Thank you for all your great content! It's truly changing my life for the better ❤️
Thank you for sharing. I’m in a very similar situation. I’m FA. My DA and I decided to take a one month break to work on ourselves and get clear about where we wanted our relationship to go.
This cycle Thais describes is so accurate for the past month. For a couple weeks, I felt a lot of relief having little contact with him and focusing on myself. Then I started missing him and it felt sweet. We got together briefly for coffee last weekend and I had the sense he was not missing me. I think a more mature perspective is that he misses me but would like more time apart and that he is feeling a lot of relief not having to do the work of relationship. But after listening to this I realize I felt rejected and powerless. I’ve felt deactivated/numb but then can’t sleep at night.
Change is slow honey. 2 steps forward 1 step back. Expect total perfection your doomed to fail
Silence in my mind equals rejection. I first think maybe there is something wrong but if I find out you were silent just because, then it makes me want to leave because you don't care about me. I hate feeling like I care more than they do.
depends, if the FA said it wanted space, u better give them space and dont contact
So relatable as a former FA, afraid to give real validation and words of affirmation, I would think it but could never say it, there was like a block. Think it is still there but now I force myself...
Yes, but we might not want you back, especially if the silence lasts too long or if there is a pattern of silent treatment/ghosting and zombieing (ghosting and returning like "from the dead").
Also, if the rejection is very clear and cruel or impolite, we might deactivate instantaneously and not feel much at all. Ever.
Are you AP or DA?
@@brookelight2090 FA
how long would you suggest someone should wait before reaching out to an FA ex after no contact?
@sunbeam9222 it's been 5 weeks. I think he deleted my number this week. I was checking his WhatsApp last seen and put privacy settings on temporarily on off then on same day his goes off completely. ? Deactivating . What are you even meant to say I'm ap and he's fa. I wish he would reach out
FAs are so sensitive to how theyre treated, but when triggered by accident are so cruel. Ironic. I was silent to my FA but it was after he got triggered, had a meltdown over nothing and called me names. Then after my silence, he acts like the victim lol...wow.
Its nice to see the difference between the FA and DA in this dynamic
I don't get it though -- in my experience, the FA was the ghoster. I only had it in me so many times to reach out and ask what was happening before I had to step away because I was feeling rejected. How, then, is someone supposed to show an FA they care if the FA is constantly disappearing?
U dont
Been in no contact with an FA for six weeks, but i tried to break that 3 weeks ago. Never got a response. Now I'm confused to try again because I know she's never going to reach out, so its on me to save whatever we have, and I can't seem to just let go. If I break no contact again, I just look desperate and needy and it all loses its effective-ness. If I leave it alone, she'll be too enmeshed in her own avoidant cycle to do anything besides rebound and replace me. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, either way she gets to lie, cheat, give up, and run away leaving me with all the emotional consequence. Messed up thing is, if she wasn't so avoidant, she would've been genuinely perfect for me ... What a world we live in ....
She'll be back eventually. They always come back, even if it's in an indirect way. Same thing happened to me two months ago and we are working things out. We have had some bumps in the road since then, but on the whole, it's much better this time around.
The question you have to ask yourself is, when she does come back around, will you still want to be with her?
@@pythonpatrol1110 well I'm 6 months out from the break up, never heard a word from her, never tried to reach out again myself, and I'm currently seeing somebody that genuinely treats me better. I would love to hear from her again, but being with her would require a level of communication and emotional vulnerability that she just isn't capable of. I'd still kill to be with her because as I said, she was perfect for me, but at this point it doesn't matter what I actually want, it's just beyond both of our control whether it would actually work out or not, and not even because of our attachment styles but because of the time and everything that's happened since we broke up.
I do feel like I am giving my power away and not get the same level of attention or love back that I give out. It makes me feel rejected and unseen so I do distance my self and shut down the emotions so I don’t feel that way anymore. You explained that so well. ❤
I thought I was more of an AP til I listened to more of PDS's descriptive videos about FAs. For myself, I can say that the first couple of weeks to couple of months if the person is silent, I'm still usually blaming myself for whatever went wrong, willing to do it better, and wanting a do-over to fix the relationship. But if I don't get anything from that person during that window of opportunity, I'm gone forever and there is nothing that person can ever do after that to make me want them near me again. Along with that, whatever good things I remember about the relationship are usually obliterated at that point, and all I remember is how they hurt me and why I don't want anything to do with them.
Yeah, I'm the same way. And oddly, the breakup itself doesn't hurt near as much as the realization that that switch inside you has flipped off for good. It's like grieving the death of that little glimmer of hope, is more painful than anything else.
@bulldog1080p well, yeah it's the anxious avoidant trip. AP is having negative view of themselves and avoidance of a negative view of others, so anxious types are attracted to people who treat them the way they feel about themselves. Like the quote from the perks of being a wallflower - We accept the love we feel we deserve. That's why anxious types aren't attracted to other anxious types, because having someone who's super into you, constantly giving you compliments and gushing all over you just feels fundamentally wrong, so you're just not interested in people like that.
Silence equals rejection to an FA yet FA’s go silent when they withdraw 😂
Yeah. Exactly. Paradox
@@henryzhao4622 yep! Im an FA but working very hard on becoming secure. I bought the PDS subscription. It’s really helping !
Ergo, there's no winning. It's a game of torture no matter what... Truly wanting to heal as an individual and wishing the best of luck to the FA to do the same is all you can do.
Fucked up people
I had a friend of 11 years turn suitor recently. He would create intimacy in one breath by imagining us in these romantic scenarios, then smash it to bits in the next by bringing up a FWB he still hangs out with. I couldn’t handle the whiplash. We had a tense phone call and I said I was hurt. 17th day of radio silence. I don’t want to have to give signs I miss him. He was the hurtful one. Why am I always tiptoeing around his feelings when he brings a sledgehammer to mine?
My ex asked for space and was so annoyed i didn't chase. Said i should have been checking nearly daily. Then she wanted more of my time so i was organising dates but then said she'd been in her head and thinking she couldn't meet my wants n needs. She needed to be alone.
I know now i must have triggered a core wound as she said i violated a boundary and she was finding it hard to let it go after we spoke. I apologised but wasn't enough. I didn't tell here about my financial struggles as i didn't want to worry her and it was something i wanted to deal with on my own. Im now back on track but she was having none of it and said i was dishonest and she was under the impression it was fine. Blaming me for everything. 😕
I was broken up with.. again by a FA after one month of dating. I know thats not what he wants....
But jesus, i cant keep going in this cycle where he breaks up (out of fear) and then waits for me to reach out, then he apologizes and says that he wants to be with me. Its been 5 days and i can feel him missing me, but I don't even know what to say to him. I can’t be the only one being vulnerable and taking responsibility.
He ended things 3 times in the last month... i have too much self respect for this shit. I just wish he could see what i see, how amazing he is.
I was seeing this man for 5 months. Suddenly he said he DOESN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. He said he felt the PRESSURE that I want to have a serious relationship. He said he didnt have time because of work and just sees me as a friend. I accepted it but said that that it would be better If we don't see each other anymore, because I have feelings for him. He suddenly became VERY EMOTIONAL and it looked like he was about to CRY. It was very CONFUSING to me. I said thanks for everything and left.
I have been in No Contact for 3 Months. So I think he will never come back. I will not try anything when he doesn't show any remorce or regret. Should I wait longer or just move on?
(And it looks like to me that he is rebounding a lot but Im not sure)
Seeing you only as a friend makes him comfortable to not think about his own feelings. He is likely not ready yet to work on himself. Although if you are strong enough you can be "friends" and try to bring the "relationship" to a level where you both can work on it without pressure, but only do it when you are ready for all this over and over again. You will likely be get hurt again. You will both need to work on this and it's not granted that it will work out. I just try to tell you that pushing someone in the friendzone really doesn't mean that they only want to be friends. It's just their way of protecting themselves. If you can handle it: good! If not: that's completely okay, but then please walk away and protect yourself. But you should make a clear decision.
I'm curious to see if you guys ever spoke again?
Honestly I'm so proud of you for doing that. My ex DA was like this and I twisted myself like a pretzel trying to make it work in a way that was comfortable to him while completely dismissing my own needs. I walked away 3 times but always ended up back in it because I really love him. We've gone between 1 week to 5 months without talking and one of us tries again. After this last time, I told him we've been doing this for too long and we need to move it forward or end it. I'm good now. We love and only see each other, but I'd rather be single than a longterm situationship.
Did he ever come back? @@LeeChrissy
Silence has made my FA ex re-enter my life several times. In fact, it’s the only thing that has made her do so.
How long was your silence ??
@@ryanchaney94 some times weeks, some times months.
@@disorder_gojust curious, what makes you go silent? A break up or a fight?
@@LeeChrissy When I get broken up with or they ask for space. I go completely silent. They’ll never hear from me again unless they reach out first.
@@disorder_go are you a DA? My ex DA went silent on me when I sent him a message about either us moving it in a relationship or moving on as we've been doing this for a couple of years now. In that message I also said something about needing more space than he does (I was trying to make him comfortable and not feel trapped) but didn't specify that part and he thought I was saying I needed space and said he was confused then went silent. I did too. We can't communicate for shit so I joined PDS to work on myself.
I’m an FA that leans secure after much self work. I have made huge strides on trying to communicate my needs to my DA. Literally crying before I speak asking for him to give me grace because communicating is so hard. Then when I communicated what I needed (he literally blew off my birthday. He didn’t forget. He blew it off. All he said was “I’m really glad that you were born”. Nothing else. He love bombed me in the beginning. But wow. The moment I bring up a need or try to communicate, he’s sulking for 3 days. Imagine pouting at someone for communicating to you that their feelings are hurt that you blew off their birthday. That is only 1 of several things but it was an emotional body slam for me. I won’t be able to move past it. How do you stay with some for 30 more years when they don’t care about your birthday even after you’ve told them how you feel. He said he’d make it up to me. It’s been 6 weeks since my birthday. Crickets.
My therapist told me my ex see's me as easy because I would state my boundaries and not enforce them.
Don't be like me. Enforce them and if he breaks them, go home and tell him why you're leaving. You have just as much power as him.
My ex stopped me from breaking up with him by promising his commitment to our future. I regret that. Don't be me. Leave him.
These turds will give you crumbs of their time and when you're out the door, they'll say what you want to hear, knowing they won't follow through.
He would make false promises and then get mad at me when I would follow up on his own words and see actual actions.
I pushed him to keep his word to me and I don't care. I made him uncomfortable and I don't care.
He threw a tantrum and deactivated on me because I wasn't treating him like the child he is, but an adult in a committed relationship that he told me the day before he wanted more than anything.
He ended up yelling at me to stfu on the phone and I immediately broke up with, although he thinks he broke up with me
Wow !!! Same here 😩😩😩 the make up part and never making it up is crazyyyyy
Tais you are a great human i'm happy to have discovered your channels and helped me find therapy to heal and to find true love and happiness i am on this path and i hope for the best.
I love my FA ex so much. But this is the 2nd time we’ve broken up in the past 3 years. Being engaged, living together.. I’m not reaching out and fixing it like I did before. How selfish can these ppl be? It’s so sad
This cannot be more accurate. To me there’s so much I want to express, and I can be so warm and affectionate, but just shut down and goes completely silent when I don’t feel it’s reciprocated…and it’s not because I don’t miss the person (in fact I miss them a lot) but so afraid of feeling more rejection and refused to give my power away.
We had a beautiful connection with FA where both sides reciprocated to one another. Unfortunately the FA broke it off one night after the movies saying I deserve someone who has same feelings back. This was 2.5 weeks ago and silence.from him.
Everything Thais said here in bang on! When you experience it you could see the backing away, the testing, and the person thinking they always have to be "strong" by not feeling their "vulnerable & weak" feelings.
For FAs here: What do you think helps you trust a least some people in this world when you've had a history of people breaking trust?
I can only speak for myself, but I trust congruence and consistency. I detetmine people's character over time, not from one or a few good interactions. I also trust people who don't try to get me to share more than I am comfortable with. Any attempt to get me to open up needs to be very very gentle or I'll want to clam up and run away. I also don't volunteer a lot of information, which I realize makes this tricky for people around me.
@@elliexir9091 Thanks for sharing this Ellie :)
Consistency!
How are you supposed to do no contact and still get it right where the FA feels you aren’t just ignoring them and that you miss them a bit? It’s all so so complicated.
Yet another fab & informative video. Thanks for all you do Thais & the rest of the PDS team. I haven't received such helpful & in depth info regarding attachment from anywhere else. You guys rock! 👌🏽🤙🏽
It's exactly under those conditions. You are the most astute person I've ever heard on insecurely attached people's thoughts. Of course not everything applies to everyone and certainly not all these seem apply to me. But, I really identify with fearful avoidant attachment with times of anxious-preoccuppied. I don't have a problem communicating but sometimes I am not as clear and direct as I could be because I'm so activated by fear. I'll accuse in hopes of a refutation instead of saying it as I'm scared you're doing x again. Things like that. I feel I used to be much better with boundaries, codependency, etc but after I felt abandoned by my bff's and then had my first bf cheat on me so much, I just went off the deep end.
Haven't watched the video yet but as a FA, I can say that I'm LOSING MY MIND MISSING HIM AFTER I TOLD HIM WE SHOULD JUST STAY AS FRIENDS lmao sorry for venting I just miss him sm :')
Been there😅 it's actually painful feeling
@@jadint1793 It really is 😅
Then change that. I can only assume he's hurting too. If you ended it, then its your move to reestablish connection. If that's not what you want, then don't reach out. Feelings go both ways
@@kaymanguy You are absolutely right on me being the one that should reestablish things. But all the jokes aside, the reason why I told him that is because I'm truly scared of hurting or damaging him in any way while I'm in therapy, reading about these stuff, learning about why I'm doing the things I'm doing, trying to heal myself. Just purely terrified of hurting him in the process. So now I'm doing all these things hoping that someday I can go back to him in a better form of myself where I'm more confident that chances of him being hurt are lower. But now I'm hurting pretty bad because sometimes I'm like, am I making this all up? Because I'm now aware that I have tendencies of sabotaging myself. I'm a bit lost, to be honest. And I'm sorry because you're right, he's hurt as well. I'm still continuing on venting haha sorry
been both in ur position and his position. both is equally painful. now im dealing with an FA i really liked after he told me we should stay friends. it’s been a month of no contact idk if i should reach out because i really miss him and i feel like he misses me too. i hope he finally wants something more with me, but even if he doesn’t then i guess we stay friends haha
Dead on. Initially, I miss the person, and then I disconnect, move on and am just done. This process takes me 3-7 days. When I'm at the "just done" stage, I feel so disconnected from the person and situation that reconnecting seems unnatural, like I don't know them anymore and don't see any point in talking to them. If the relationship hasn't ended yet at this point, I'll end it.
And i don’t trust to get close to people because it happens every time is when i get vulnerable with someone they distance themselves or it’s just unsafe for me to get close to someone. I avoid relationships at all costs. Single life!
@@michaelmich00 not sure if you’re responding to my comment or another one. Since I have received the stamp of “no cluster b personality disorder” from my psychologist, I would have to blame my attachment style. Which I’m still working on and making progress with.
so should i reach out to my FA ex girlfriend? she broke up with me suddenly when things got serious, been in no contact for 5 days , do i stay silent or text her??
I was talking to mine for 3 months, he finally opened up after two months and we started dating. He even said he wanted meet his family etc. He expressed his job has been demanding.. haven't heard from him in 3 weeks
I am FA and goddamn it is literally the worst. I feel like I will never be happy in relationship.
You can if you put in the work there are a lot of FAs in the school that have become more secure, I am one of them, Thais used to be FA too and now she's married.
@@cappygurl she was with her current partner before becoming secure, her partner was a DA but because she was communicating her feelings, needs and boundaries it helped them both
@@FruityHachi She said she was on her way to being secure but not fully secure when they got together. They became more secure together. The point of my comment does not change, if people do the work and gain more security they can have successful healthy relationships.
@@cappygurl that's what i'm saying
the point of your comment does change
because you did not say what you're saying now
you said that she's now married once she's no longer an FA, which made it seem like the op will get married only once they're secure, but marriage also does not equal secure attachment
but now you're saying something different, that if people do the work and gain more security they can have successful healthy relationships
I have been through this, i have CPTSD from being with an FA, even through ive been to threapy and understand his attachment, i would not recommend being with them, it will cost you your life, i dont say that lightly. Please use this information to spot them, not as a way to make it work
I’m AP and my ex is FA. He left in the middle of the relationship bc he “had doubts.” It was very sudden and our relationship was going great. Took me by surprise. I reached out to him a few times and he responded and talked like nothing happened. Doing NC right now but I miss him bad. Idk what to do.
Did he reach out?
Update? I'm going thru this right now and I'm in NC at the moment. It's been two weeks now.
Omg Heck Yeah Silence totally makes me miss my former DA Best Friend!! So Bad, miss her so much. For awhile it was cool and then lately I really miss the synergy we had. Her presence in my life. Stuff I appreciate so much more now that I didn't before.
I totally feel Rejected. Shut down and avoidant happens too. The Distance and Silence lack of communication is excruciating. I think abt what I need to change and do better and improve and what is the solution. I totally seek solutions and repair. But yes I did test like once or twice. And Said Once that if she doesn't step up I'm losing interest in Attempting to Try to communicate with heart to heart emotional.presence. she would claim so many untrue things about me! So inaccurate! And I wanted to have understanding And apologize for my part and also hear where she messed up. It's been awhile and I'm slightly embarrassed to say I miss her. I DID Ask for us to have quality time and she kept ignoring me and was annoyed at ALL my many tries and Attempts. I wanted to share about what got me into HSP overwhelm and lashing out and the shame about all that.poor communication. I messed up too. I wish we could have a heart to heart and we didn't have closure.
I need an FA's take on this.... my fa deactivated then came back I noticed a pattern when she would drink she would really come on to me get sober and regret her actions... well the last time I told her to stop texting me when she's drunk stop telling me she loves me because when she's sober she tells me how we're not on the same page it's like she wants me but doesn't... I feel like I gave her a huge rejection when I told her to stop texting me while she was drunk and she's deactivated pretty hard is this one of those indefinite deactivations where I won't see or talk to her again?
As an FA leaning DA who has occasionally dipped my toe in vulnerable feelings when drinking, here's my perspective:
My reaction if I was her would be to go full DA mode, throw my hands up in the air and say "okay, well then, fuck it". Don't expect her to initiate contact. She might respond to you if you reach out, though.
She probably still has feelings for you, but she's not in touch with them when she's sober.
If you do reach out, be gentle and sincere. Offer to work through your issues together, without putting pressure on her.
@@elliexir9091 it's been about 2 weeks and she really doesn't feel like talking we have a child together which is a little hard cuz we just keep it about that I've offered my apologies but she is still in deactivation mode I don't push I don't ask questions I just keep it about the baby and that's it try to keep it casual she seems to be getting along just fine she shows no interest and that's okay I'm just trying to be cool
Can you discuss why someone might be so hard to read in dating?
Manage expectation and not take it too personally
Thanks for the insightful video! One question comes to my mind: if going no contact with a fearful avoidant ex, is it better to let them know you will not initiate any contact for a while, or just go no contact directly? She shut down once after trying to reconcile saying she wasn’t feeling it from the start, but I honestly think she just got scared of her emotions again. From the fearful side of them, it would be better to let them know why they are not going to hear from you, but from the avoidant part, I think it would be better to just go no contact directly as it would probably help them live with the consequences of the breakup? I am really torn here.
Such a good questions as I share same problem and wondering myself. I sympathize with you.
From my perspective as a FA, I just “broke up” with someone I was seeing. I got freaked out and started thinking he must be lying to me about his feelings for me. The next morning he said that he can’t handle us talking to each other so he isn’t going to respond from now on. He’s always been so solid and upfront with his boundaries, and I really appreciate that he took the time to tell me.
I’m afraid to even reach out to my FA ex. He was pretty adamant about being over the relationship aspect and is not attracted to me in that way anymore. My emotions after moving in and feeling rushed - on my end - overwhelmed him greatly.
Hey Tiffany, so sorry to hear about your situation :’( I am in a similar boat. He tells me he wants me to forget him and move on. And that my love was too “intense”. We were only together for 2 months and we had only met twice. It was hot and cold. I’m in no contact with him for 2 weeks already. Did he ever reach out to you again?
I still want him back badly. I miss him terribly. I can’t stop wondering if he’ll ever reach out again.
Please don’t blame yourselves! More often than not it’s them not you!
I think avoidants will not ever miss you when they resents you because of absurd, ridicolous reasons created in their sick heads just to justify their decision to break up with you. However I wonder if after breakup, and after leaving her alone and going no contact for many weeks she will not feel resentment to me and her feelings to me will come back when she will start missing me. I never hurt her btw. I am just curious
started seeing this FA girl 3 months ago and 2 months into the relationship everything went great until she got the news that her grandpa in Sweden in passing away within a month from cancer and she booked a flight to go see him. The flight was still a week away so naturally i wanted to see her one more time before she left, but she got defensive and said she's scared of associating me with the trauma and that theres alot on her mind rn. So i told her Im gonna give her time and space and to take care (since i know FAs need space) Her last message was "Take care
@ninjakiller999 just keep it moving. These people are so very exhausting and usually never seek help to improve their behaviors and issues. I suspect it's because they are covert narcissist! Ì dated one for over a year, it wasn't worth it more of a freaking headache and heartbreak.
What if they jumped into a rebound relationship? She is keeping this guy a secret but I found out so I have done no contact and told her to leave me alone. I don’t really want her to leave me alone but I will not get into a love triangle.
This is my current situation. He monkey branched to a coworker and moved in with her. He doesn’t know that I know and he hasn’t posted her on his fb.
my FA ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago and we've not had any contact since. The way it ended, its not clear who initiated the break up. It could easily be viewed as her breaking up with me, or vice versa. So there's a possibility if she feels that I left her, that she will be reluctant to risk vulnerability and rejection by reaching out. I think a break and reset is needed so I don't regret breaking up, but I do want to clear the air. Based on this video, I worry about missing that small window from when she might be missing me to when she will feel rejected and swing to being avoidant. Any advice or suggestions on how to proceed? Thais has advised that the FA starts to feel their emotions after 3 to 4 weeks....
Are you still not in contact, or have you figured out how and whether to reach out?
@@keshakellogg5995 she called me last week, apologized and wants to meet to chat further
@@bmobilelcompute2796 Wow! Do you have a date set to meet up? I hope the best for you both as you navigate your feelings and needs.
@Kesha Kellogg not yet, but we've been in touch. thank you
This happened to me. The breakup was really unclear re who broke up with who. It was only a week or so ago but I know he is definitely an FA.
Yes, but it could take a long time, too long for healthy people. I, FA-healing, almost resent my DA-ex when I long for what we could've been, him. I resent the vulnerability I feel and unrequited longing. Now to listen to what Thais says about FAs
Should I reach out to my FA being a Secure Attatchment Type? We ended a month ago when I couldn’t handle it anymore… I understand now what her reactions are. And I’m having second thoughts on reaching out; due to the words and actions that I’ve put in. Compared to the lack of effort on her behalf
I am a Fearful Avoidant. I don't miss my partner...now that I am gone.
Is the shutdown from permanent? If it is how much time and silence would cause it to be permanent?
Tais pls can u make a video where a fearful avoidant have more than one relationship not to get attached ..... but they have someone they love between the relationship plssss
As a friend, no contact is not required? Just set boundaries, pls correct if incorrect
Thais- does no contact allow them to miss their ex and them to consider getting back together?
Most of the time, no. It activates abandonment wounds which makes an FA shut down. They would be pretty angry and untrusting if they did. It would increase the fear moving forward that the partner would go no contact again. It creates resentment.
@@katenicholson4152 I mean.. they did the breaing up. Do they expect their partner to just keep reaching out then"? ridiculous.
@@SirValeous Yes, because FAs need safety before taking action. It’s not fair, but that is how it feels. Fear of rejection runs very high and I’m only 25% FA.
I feel like so many times my FA soulmate needs no contact for months when we break up but then eventually she reaches out and makes contact and then I have to be open and not rejecting if I feel like they want to do the work to rebuild after the breakup. In the past if I didn’t go no contact either they would still be deactivated and want nothing to do with me or I would experience the push/pull relationship and they would end up needing more space and time. Sometimes this process went on for 10 months. Where if I went no contact and let them reach out when they were ready it allowed them the time to process and miss what they had. Then we can begin reconciling. However this is the 3rd time this has happened and as an former anxious avoidant who has done the work and is still working on becoming secure I am not sure it is in my best interest to take them back this time unless they have done some major work on healing their FA attachment and being willing to become secure. Otherwise I am setting myself up for more heartache and pain and as I become more secure I realize I need to take care of my relationship with myself first and not make myself unprotectedly vulnerable again. That would be my advice on no contact.
So hard so fuck1ng hard to understand their needs
The million dollar question is do they ever reach out??? I had distanced a few weeks bc of his insensitive comments, waiting for an apology that never came. So I broke the ice. Not long after he was mean and spiteful so I more or less said goodbye over text, “if that’s what u want,” I said, bc he had said we’re not dating or together. So I cannot reach out now! Will he??? 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy why are you stuck on this guy? I've seen a lot of your comments and he doesn't seem interested yet you keep chasing and wanting this to work.
My AP ex broke up and cheated on me, as an FA, I just need to safe myself my deactivating.
im stuck with my FA. a long story filled with sighs I dont even know if its reparable at this poinbt but i know we both deeply loved eachother. alot...
So how In The world can 2 FAs fix a break up. We are both dealing with this. That being said we live together and he would be nice then mean or triggered… back and forth and back and forth . But he is more avoidant now he’s being completely cold. I did try to talk but he will not discuss issues so he ignores my needs or makes up what I’m trying to say in his head
It’s not safe to be vulnerable with anyone. I cannot cry in front of people either people will shame me for that. I’m getting more and more hard as my life goes on. One of these days men will start calling me more masculine because they caused it by not allowing me to feel safe in my vulnerability. It’s not safe to be a soft woman in a hard man’s world. When they have so much misogyny and resentment towards women for giving birth to them
So are you FA or nah?
Many men of goodwill…have justified resentment towards women…because of how women treat them, generally. My mother taught me me to be sensitive. I will listen to women talk about her feelings.
I used to be FA and when i was done i was done. Now im AP now dated in an FA so i dont feel he will be back. To stubborn to see it for what it is with work
My DA won’t stop texting me after our breakup 3 months ago. That was the second time he broke up with me, and this time I have maintained my boundaries and stopped contact. I let him know I cannot be friends. Why does he keep trying to talk to me casually despite my silence?
Maybe it's because he knows he can't have access to you anymore.🤷🏾♂️ or DA’s are a lot slower in discovering their feelings so he probably realized a little to late.
@@jadint1793 thank you for the insight. It’s so hard to maintain boundaries when you care, but it’s good as I’m becoming secure and seek an emotionally available partner.
It's not triggering the deepest fears of a DA if you are being distant, he feels safe talking to you now, but if you would get back and want to work on a relationship, he would get triggered and act distant again.
@@staceylicata you are so right; an endless cycle. I struggle between feeling empathy and responding versus ignoring him to protect myself from time waste.
@@anon_ya i'm in the exact same situation, i totally understand. I'm FA (who did a ton of healing work) that fell in love with a DA years ago, he now acknowledges that he has this attachment style but is just starting to understand/heal (and DA's can move very slowly) anyhow i've walked away two months ago and he is still writing to me at this moment and wants to see me "just one time" , and everytime i put a boundery or express my honest vulnerable opinion, he agrees and is sweet about it, but it's like he always pushes me to have to say no over and over again, and it's so hard, like it's testing my willpower, and i also always want to be kind in my reply towards him as i wouldn't want to hurt him, i know he is trying to heal. And i'm thorn between wanting to connect with him and having every cell in my body saying to just let go, as i know exactly where it would go and i've had enough of doing this to myself, i'm ready for someone's that ready
How do you get the fa to self realize and do the work?? She watched a fa video and said it helped her.. but then she got busy at work and fell right back into saying "we didn't work". But she seems to think that in the future we will talk this over and be "whatever universe wishes us to be" so... Leaving the door open. But the reality is the door won't be open much longer because I'm almost back home and will start dating again. I guess I just need to be straight with her and say look you need to read more about this stuff and realize that most of what you said that was bad was actually your own mind having a reaction because you were detaching.
Did you end up telling her? I'm torn between walking away without a word and walking away after sending one final email sharing helpful info on his attachment style to hopefully set him on his healing path. I don't think I want him back at this point but I want this experience with me to at least have been useful for him in realizing his unhealthy patterns and how controlled by his trauma and fear brain he can become. He thinks of himself as a loving, kind and caring person and he is most of the time but he can also become an absolute monster during fights, being really cruel with his words and tone and completely devoid of empathy. Have you experienced that too?
@@soleanna7 So what happened with my story is that I returned to town, contacted her, she said she didn't want to see me at all & blocked me. I started dating.. two weeks later she contacts me, we get together and it's like there was no distance or time that had passed. Everything great again.. for about a month and then things started to get weird. She became sick and cancelled plans we had to go out of town. Then she went on a trip with her friend and was very chatty up to the last day. she went quiet and when she returned to town she didn't come to see me. send me a video of her meowing with her cat.. completely expressionless. Then next day she's back all lovey dovey. and 2 more weeks hanging out having a pretty good time right up to the last days and she then gets weird again. doesn't want to touch one night and then she breaks up with me. says she had met someone...
Anyways long story short.. I am pretty sure that she had something much more severe than fearful avoidance... more like borderline personality disorder.
What are the silent treatment is the reciprocation of your silent treatment as you are the FA?
I've given back..we had/have a connection but then be hot/cold....when I give back or needed more, he then would retract like im/it's to much, shuts down when I ask where we are at, I felt like I was only accepting breadcrumbs & got tired of it, I tried to explain this only recently & he said he only wants to be friends.....so painful/triggering, why have connection together yet feel he never wanted anything more, am resentful a bit, we both have wounds from our past....mine being childhood/rejection/abandonment...
How do I deal with these emotions/feelings when we are also colleagues?? How do I ask the right questions to get the truth/answers, or for him to open up at least instead of mixed msgs, which we are both guilty of 😢
Do they miss you? Not enough to change.
She blocked me, I couldn't reciprocate if I wanted to. I've never had any social media either. (Air out of baloon)😢
My FA ghosted me and blocked me on text over something super minor. How am I supposed to express longing if they ghosted me?
Is there even a point of getting back with her if she comes back. It's staggering to me how easily she fits the dismissive avoidant profile.
The title of this video needs to be change to:
"Find out if the man-child you thought you were in a adult relationship with who has been emotionally neglecting you for months threw a tantrum when confronted and discarded you like garbage is thinking of you" 😒
No therapist should be telling anyone to try and acclimate they're emotional needs to whims of Fearful avoidants
We dated for 6 months, went on 5 dates and after the last date she said she had no feelings for me but wanted to continue to text me(probably a FA, not sure) and we said that we should try again after new year, after that I stopped responding to her text and didn't watch her snap story and after a week she unfriended me on snapchat and I did 1 month of no contact. So I texted her on new years eve, until now she hasn't replied back, is it over ?
If anyone can answer this that would be great. What if I told my FA partner I loved them and wanted to work on the relationship but I’m I going to respect the boundary that they don’t want to talk at the moment but to reach out if they ever changed their mind about wanting to be together and went into no contact. How would I know if they are testing etc…
Tell them exactly those words
I did and we reconnected two months later. after a few different conversations it came to my attention there was no winning for me. It seemed like she cared way to much about other peoples opinion, so I told her the same thing again but I couldn't be the only one fighting for the relationship and that I was done trying and walked. since then both her and her sister creep my page from time to time.
@@letsgooooooo111
No... silence makes me determined to forget about them and move on. Edit: When I feel rejected , yes.
what if you broke up with them? they think you wants silence ? i dont know what to do should i text my FA ex girlfriend who suddenly broke up with me a week ago, ive been in no contact because thought that she wants that and im upset of course she broke up with me
Do u know that avoidant attachment really have connecting with mbti INTJ
Can they still miss you if after breakup I cried and reached out and then they told me to move on and it was to much if I give enough space will they come back
Definitely me. 🙈
What if the FA is the one who dumped you? Would this still apply?
Soooo.. what should i do if i want my FA gf back?
Of course I dumped her i miss her but will she miss me
Is it possible to make friends with a FA after being in a situationship with them? After our little break up i just wish we could go back to how we started which was friends for 6 months before we got attached. Im currently being avoided by her at my store (she was a customer that i met) and sometimes she comes in so i be left a little confused on whether she wants to still speak to me or not
FA male here. There is a chance I would say if you were friends beforehand. But it really depends how much they’ve already forgotten about you and moved on and how good they felt the friendship was before the sex. They’d likely rather not though as if they had no feelings for you, would be worried you would for them and it wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
I find this interesting but it feels like it's way too late. Somebody moved to the other side of the country 🤦♂️
I was enjoying your words then midway you went into commercial mode. You do that at the beginning already
Disorganized
I haven't yet watched the video but as an FA I can tell you that we do miss you for some time. But if they take too long to come back we do forget them. And might not trust them when they come back. Or we will just let you in but we won't be able to trust you for a very very long time.
And this I think everybody including AP and DA get wrong about FAs they expect us to act like before and when we don't they think that we are playing mind games. But for me I'm not playing any game it's just harder for me to let go of any mistake that you've done I do test you for very long before I can trust you again...and people usually loose patience there...I want someone to take things slowly so that it doesn't overwhelm us.
I'm trying to be more secure but I don't think even if I'm secure I will be someone forgiving who respects my boundaries. Be it AP s who take my need for space as rejection and pressurize me and become passive aggressive or DA who would go silent on me when I try to address an issue or state my boundaries and then not take their apology immediately and then they'll pursue me and then blame me for being distant and go silent again.
Yes FA needs a lot of patience and sometimes when they don't provide anything in return but when we love you we will make you feel seen and heard. Unlike the DA s who are also equally challenging but even then they'll never be able to offer you the same empathy that FA can
So basically if your in a relationship with an FA. Theres no solution aside from just being miserable forever? Yeah got it
Shit no
Wishing happy birthday to an FA ex? Good idea? Bad idea?
Bad, don’t try reach out. it will counts as breaking the no contact.
i wanna die 😂
That's was soo spot on Thias and very apt. I'm an FA, right now I'm in the beginnings of a new budding relationship. Missing the person and started swinging into AP, checking myself and then getting back into my FA camp 🏕 to protect myself incase it all goes pear shaped and I'm wrong about how he feels.
Of course I dumped her i miss her but will she miss me
Of course I dumped her i miss her but will she miss me