It's could to know what it's like from an FA perspective. My FA thinks he is totally find and keeps saying it's all me but I'm the only one seeing a counsellor.
I agree. I am also an FA and even with all the self-knowledge I have, I still end up going hot/cold with my partner and I know it’s not good for them. They deserve someone who makes them feel more wanted.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
As a secure leaning anxious, dating a FA has been the most confusing experience, and the breakup has been the worst I’ve ever been through. Just hearing all of the things I’m experiencing being described is extremely validating and helpful, thank you so much for this.
They go from confessing their love for you and commitment one day, to literally ghosting you. It’s one of the most traumatizing and psychologically exhuasting experiences. You just can’t make sense of it and it’s a huge loss that’s hard to accept. At least with a death, it makes sense and is finite and you can move on progressively. This feels like a spiritual and emotional attack back and forth - it’s torture.
I did this. I'm probably an FA, but she broke up with me after 9 months. As soon as she did, I just left, unfollowed and never answered her goodbye text.
YES!!!!!im experiencing this now. My worst fear is that ill let get enough for them to want someone else in their life, and live happily ever after , which he gives her the vulnerability I never got for 2 years 🥲
Thank you for creating a video encouraging us to MOVE ON from these types. Every video on TH-cam is about "how to win back" "draw in closer" the avoidants. Why would anyone want that?? I have never felt so deprived of love and affection from any partner in my entire life and it is ruining me.
I’m glad this part of my advice resonated for you. I’m a realist, and the reality is that in most situations it’s best to move on and idealistic to hang on. It’s sad, and disheartening, of course, but honest.
I totally agree. It’s nice to not have to feel any more pressure already to perform like a peacock 🦚 again when they still don’t even care and with another replacement cont to repeat the same move in quickly. now I get to play non custodial parent and try to guide my young children thru cognitive dissonance. Will be happy when she decides to stay in front of the mirror one day long enough to realize what she’s done and then fix herself. There’s always hope but not if they don’t completely change too.
I 100% agree!! I was just dumped for the second time by a person I strongly believe to be an FA and I want to know how to heal Not win them back. This has been an incredibly painful experience and I don’t want to ever go through something like it again.
@@erinmahar5968 ditto, worst roller coaster ride I’ve ever been on ! She made me feel comfortable, amazing, etc etc, dated for 2 months with her, some awesome times, and head scratcher moments, she broke it off with me a month ago, I know I’m better off, I never want to go through this again. Hopefully time passes quickly.
You're not responsible for anyone else's actions nor for the harsh reputation so many people give FAs. And your own traits, even though those are your responsibility, still aren't your _fault._ Trying to work on yourself over time is the most anyone can do, and is the most anyone can ever reasonably expect of others or themselves. I'm proud of you, friend :)
I am so happy to finally be learning about avoidant personality types so I can never waste another minute with one again. I'm absolutely done being in relationships where I don't get my needs met and have to leave myself out in the cold to keep a person around. So done, in fact, that I don't even see the value of "working on it" with a DA or FA if it means having to suffer another second of dismissal through their process or once again do all the emotional labor in a relationship.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I am so with you on this !! Great compatibility and potential but total push and pull, future talking and closeness and then total detachment/ disengagement. Two and half years of being too empathetic and understanding while I became as poorly as him ! Most confusing and painful experience ever with someone who doesn’t seem therapy. 😞
@@suecoops4487for real, 'lets move in and get married' and then 'I need space. In fact, I dont think we should be together' Always flipping from one extreme to another. I love her so much. But it wasnt easy to love her. Despite all the headache, she was a great person and I do miss her still.
I feel only pity for my FA ex now, before the end I could suddenly see just how deeply truamised he was. The break up was kind and I told him I wasn't angry with him. He thanked me for the kindness as he had a history of women hating him after a breakup. He found it extremely difficult to be in a relationship he literally would be extremely jealous and get upset if I didn't communicate with him in exactly the way he needed. He also needed me to chase him all the time, but when he needed space I had to conform to that too and be cool about it on his schedule. I urge all FAs to recognise these patterns and to try not to assume negatives.
I had to hear this. I’m a healing AP madly in love with a FA. Was push pull for a while, she has enormous amounts of trauma that is bubbling up now and heavy adhd to boot. We started dating when she was divorcing a narcissist (10 years married). She told me she wants to work on herself finally, but has no room for a relationship now despite she loves me deeply and I’m very important to her. Sadly I feel I can’t be friends because I’ll always want more and she’ll feel that. We felt like soulmates when we me, and still do…. Living hell as we are now no contact, but I want to give her this chance. Love sometimes really isn’t enough 😭
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
As an FA, TELL THEM THEY'RE AN FA if they don't know they are. People who care will give helpful constructive feedback. Don't leave us - we love you lol.
Yeah my FA is very confused by their own behaviour. He works on himself as well as he can but still takes his flee or fight reactions as listening to his intuition. He broke up with me. But if we get in touch again I will try and tell him what I learnt, hoping they don't take my words as an attack ; ) I don't even want to get back together with them necessarily at all, it's just a bit of help from a human to another since we're all struggling with our ways at times and could use the feedback.
i know she loves me, but she dumped me on the phone after being with me for 24h, the same night she tinder fuck a guy to get over me, she then tells me and makes that my pain, and she just wants to keep fucking others because "she can´t handle a relastionship" and all the classical shit, fuck that shit
I tried to tell him after our final breakup and he didn’t appreciate it. He thought all the drama was due to me not being right for him and the solution is to find someone else. Hopefully at some point down the road he’ll gain some insight and realise it all comes from within.
I’ve been binging healing from breakup videos for weeks and this has been the most helpful video I’ve found. Truly. The realization that AA is actually another emotional avoidance mechanism. That hit home for me.
As currently recovering from a breakup with an FA whom I fell deeply in love with, all of this is spot on, expressed very clearly and enormously helpful. It really tempts me to consider a session with you, but I need to be more financially secure first. I do see a public health-care psychologist already, which tells me a lot of the same things, but not with the same clarity and "definity" as you do. There's a smoldering hope that we may have a chance in the future again. But after a gruelling couple of weeks, I'm happy that I'm finally landing in an area of self-focus and self-care and able to let her go, so she (hopefully) can come to terms with her own feelings for me, wherever she hid these.
Rarely I could relate to a video as much as I did with this one. I am on the verge of a divorce after a 9 years long marriage where I (anxious) and my FA wife never consistently connected. Your words speak to me in a powerful way, they resonate like music. Thank you again.
Due to my experience, I'm starting to think the term fearful avoidant is a nice way of describing someone with borderline personality disorder. And understanding your specific attachment style helps you deal with a borderline and the aftermath of loving them. Thanks Dr Bowlby
Hey Chris! Thanks for sharing. There is more and more evidence that Borderline PD is a result of experiencing a significant amount of developmental trauma. As well, FA's develop their FA style out of their attachment wounds and trauma. I believe the two exist on a spectrum and vary in degrees of health or dysregulation. And I agree, I think understanding attachment styles can be a powerful force in the healing process.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
I'm in the situation now. My FA ex broke up with me, I'm AP and J keep watching videos like "what is you FA ex feeling", "how to get your FA ex back", I don't think it's helping me. I just have to sit with my own sadness, anger, fear, panick and feeling of helplessness. But it's sooo damn hard to feel all these things at once and not go completely mad :(
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Well you can experience this current heartbreak hell and take baby steps one day at a time and learning to love and re-invest in yourself and move on to a healthier deep love with the person who's really meant for you, orrrrrrrrr you can experience this same scenario over and over again until you end up becoming nothing but a shell of your former self.❤
Thank you soooo so much. Your videos and especially this one have helped me a lot in dealing with this breakup, learning to connect with myself, and recognizing my worth. I've been trying for so long to understand FAs (two FA partners back to back), figure out how to act around them and ultimately get them to consistently choose me. Finally, I'm choosing myself.
I love hearing that you're "choosing yourself". That is my hope for everyone who watches my videos. Thanks for commenting and I'm so glad the videos feel supportive to you.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Katya, hope you seeing my response. Your the best, you explained Soo truthfully. I'm listening to you as I write this. Lady, your the best by listening to you, I'm on my way to healing. I'm feeling the strength to stand up for myself as my relationship had just broken up finally, I need to move on with my life. To me I'm feeling a lot better off by myself not searching for love.I got into this relationship looking for companionship, my husband died over a year now, there's a lot happening around me and I was looking for a companion for support but Jesus is the best friend and companion. I'm from the Caribbean, Trinidad and Tobago, bless you Katya keep making other person's life stronger and better ❤️❤️❤️, God love you.
Hi Ms. Katya, As with some of your other compelling videos, very soulfully painful to watch and digest internally. The "hot/cold" emotional dynamics is what I've gone through with someone I was dating previously. She admitted her emotional unavailability AFTER several months of dating her, which I appreciate. Separating from her is the biggest challenge as I've been so physically attracted to her. Thank you Katya for being a❣️ kind soul and for sharing an excerpt of your personal life as well, Ravi
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Ravi. Chemistry can be a strong glue between people, so I totally get how that can make it hard to move on. ...I'll consider this quandary as a possible video topic, as I know you're not the only one who comes up against this challenge.
After a few of them now since divorce, I feel real empathy at last for the men who date her and have dated her and how we were all sucked into her tantric and intoxicating spell. Learning the truth is often downright shocking. But learn we all must.
Thank you so much for explaining OUR experience. So many people have told me he didn’t really love me and MY experience is completely different. I found myself trying to convince THEM that he did but just didn’t have the tools. Which didn’t help my own healing.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I really wanted to thank you for sharing this. Although I wasn't in a long term relationship with this person, I had started to fall pretty hard for her when she went silent on me. I had been told before hand by one of her best friends that she thought she really liked me and maybe she did. It helps to know that maybe she really did care for me at some point and that ending things like that with me had to do more with her own issues than with me. What was most difficult is the lack of closure. She just stopped talking to me after spending the last 2 months talking to me all day everyday.
As an AP who's just split from an FA again, I can honestly say it was so confusing with the hot and cold. I've been through some bad experiences. Even now with this, it's not been the worst, but it has aswell. Had way better chemistry, but the FA won't take any responsibility and blame me for everything, whilst claiming she needs to work on overthinking and stress. I saw nothing....
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
When they dont choose you over and over..while your giving all you can to them..and then they ghost you away after years of struggle to connect .is so painful..i want to work it out.but you cant when the other isnt willing..
I've been ghosted out of an 8 month long friendship - shocking to hear it happens in years lon relationships as well. So sorry you have to go through this. Sending you all the strength and - if you want to - here's some crossed fingers that you guys can reconnect.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
I really don’t want any relationship at all. I’ve given up on my FA long ago. If it’s not him I really don’t want anything and it will never be him either. I’ve given up completely.
So, my "breakup" with an FA is actually ghosting. And not out of a love relationship, but out of a friendship. For me personally, that's even more painful, as to me every friendship is unique and love relationships just the same in different colors. I'm secure leaning AP and of course he brought all the anxious traits out in me. I feel this friendship was / is meant to be and as painful as this expirience is, I thank him for the challenges, for the love I felt and what I found out about attachment styles when I researched about ghosting. It's been 4 month now, so half the time our intense friendship was and I still would like him back. BUT not to restart where we left, but to start into a season 2 in our friendship, where I don't take this chaser runner dynamic personally, am more chill and more connected to my own needs again. I didn't do much wrong in the friendship, actually communicated what I need well and put my needs out there, not constatntly surpressing them. I also got a lot more patient thanks to him. But - as you mentioned in the video - I was very focused on how he was feeling, ho strong his fear was, what I can do to ease it etc. But that's his work, I can only lend him a hand. I still wish he'll take it back. But oh boy, he has a looot of work to do and I'm aware of that. And if he doesn't want we have no chance and never had.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
It's almost been a year and my 6yo son misses her and her kids. We lost all three just trying to start a family. She was enough and I don't blame her, I blame those who made her this way. I'll always love her
Perfect timing for me Katya, my fearful avoidant ended our relationship last Friday and I went no-contact with her yesterday. Some grief but actually what I'm most feeling is the abandonment of it. This video was so helpful. Most helpful comment is 'closing the door'. I had a check-in planned with her in two weeks (with a relationship coach) but I'm now wondering about the wisdom of it.
I wouldn't check in with her. Go NC just so you can get clarity and in a way get all the feelings processed. Depending on how long you were with her, it may take awhile since it seems with FA, you're faced with the paradox of experiencing someone so wonderful but they just couldn't deliver (at their current state). If you hope to reconcile, at least do it from a state where you're yourself again and at least know what pitfalls you don't want to fall in again. I personally just wrote a letter to my FA ex of all the things she inspired me to do and empathized with all the struggles and deep emotions that she struggled to communicate that I finally understood after the NC time. I created the narrative understanding the quagmire in the situation and made it like a spiritual twin flame/soul mate separation stage, and that it's a healing stage for both of us. I ended the letter showing how much she meant to me and noting her potential for herself. Basically I created a narrative to heal without placing it all on her but it will be better in the future however it worked. I don't really feel bad after break ups in general, but I felt the abandonment feelings too. I think it's a transference of emotions of empathizing with how FA's live their lives, so in a sense we're in a trauma-like state and in that FA mindset of limbo. Good luck. Unfortunately it played out like that, but better to close the door now and be a better version of yourself, so you either move on, or if rekindling is an option, you know what boundaries you want to enforce and what needs to be done to sustain a somewhat consistent relationship.
Hey Andrew! Thank you for the thoughtful feedback, and I'm sorry to hear about your break up. It sounds like your intuition is on your side. It's important to connect with that voice as you navigate the early stages of your breakup.
@@Agenthai7 did your ex respond to your letter? i am also thinking of writing a letter to my ex. i am currently in week 3 of no contact. I am scared as she may reject it. She went back to her ex, so i don't know where her head is at. idk if she went back to not feel from our breakup, or she went back because she has feelings for her ex. sigh idk what to do
@@cedes868 To be specific, I wrote an email, and my email program allows me to see if my email was read. She never replied but she did instantly read my email at 2 in the morning. And then she proceeded to read my email 3 more times the next day. I wrote my letter not really with the intention for her to reply but to allow space her to heal and move forward. I knew she wouldn't reply and I was already expecting the rejection, but I figured that I would be able to recover from it, and she needs more of my love moving forward than the other way around. Also in my letter I stated the situation as it was and assumed it was from intense feelings that brought out her innermost fears. Whether I was accurate or not doesn't matter to me. If she plans to rekindle with me, she'll do it under the assumption that she accepted that notion. If you're in week 3 of NC, I would just stick with it and find a way to move on. You need to act in a a clear calm state before really hoping for her back. Be prepared for her to reach out at some point, but it could be a breadcrumb. The reason I wrote the letter was because she gave me a breadcrumb and if I state a text in a certain way, she'll run away. My intention of the letter was to show her how much I cared for her to help her during hard times. I was fully vulnerable and stated everything openly whether she embraced that or rejected it. With FA, it's mostly a power struggle stage at certain point, and the letter was in a way the my ultimate power play move. I let her win, and she can run away all she wants. She's accustomed to some backlash or what not from her actions. I didn't give her any of that. I acted more loving. So when there comes a day that she misses me more than she scared of intimacy, I hold the cards for my boundaries for how I move forward and what I would want out of this (communication and acts of her healing and moving forward at whatever pace). FA are confused when it comes to intimacy/romance, so if you have any value that she can't find anywhere else, you need to leverage that not only for her situation, but for your own sake.
@@Agenthai7 well said... thank you for taking the time. i will continue no contact, and build myself. Whenever I am in a good space I will write a letter.
excellent piece of advice. thank you Katya. I self quizzed a border line AP and the projection explanation is a difficult confession for me as I am so sad about my FA wanting to end our time together..
Thanks for this Katya! This is helpful. There is one part that I need to understand better. Your advice for "did they ever really love me" is to focus on my experience and that is my truth. I don't get that - I mean if they DIDN'T really love me, even if I did feel loved, it was an illusion, right? Or vice versa... Can someone help me understand what Katya is saying here?
My fearful avoidant never came back Once she broke up with me she was done. I have spoken to her but she won’t engage or even talk about maybe working things out
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
It’s very difficult because they become a different person righ before your eyes.. and the person they presented themselves to be will imprint.. brand if you will.. on your heart and mind.. and you’ll always be in this state of confusion .. because you’ll always struggle to see them as anyone different.. and you could stay stuck in chasing the person they SHOWED you.. but in reality. They are not like that.. so, do yourself a favor.. suffer now for a bit.. or continue to suffer and try to work things out..
My ex is a FA but he is shutting me out completely. He’s blocked me on everything and is being really cruel towards me. I’ve been keeping him at arms length because I’m struggling as he’s in my friends group but it feels like he’s almost punishing me. He’s showing me a lot of hate. Is this dismissive avoidant instead?
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
I too have had similar experiences from my current ex that after learning showed all FA traits...from the first 5 months of love bombing from her to distancing with hot and cold behaviour to saying she was overwhelmed and stress, needed space when i gave her all the space she needed.....an amazing beautiful soul but with her issues made it hard and me feel anxious over time when normally secure....I gave her space for a few weeks maybe to much on my part I dont know and told her how i felt after to receiving some confusion answers and as she would never talk until 11months in and the end of what we had which is now non existent.....i would help and support her needs if she would open up and tell me but it was always promised and never did, sometime patience, supporting and love isn't enough and you need to let them go because they always flee as the next step to protect their feelings ....its sad for both and confusing when someone you love does this without knowing why themselves....the next steps i dont know except move forward and work on yourself and the universe will do what is right for all.. keep healing 🙏
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
'your FA ex might come back and you're probly used to this by now' tell me about it 😅 3 'breakups' in just over a year. I mean. She's a wonderful person. But having a relationship with her has been hard work.
8:49 that was painful to hear… I do worry about others’ feelings before mine… and I’m always on the (how to fix it) and (how to make them feel better) before looking at how I am feeling! I’m always looking up (what do they need) so I can give that… before looking at what do I need…
I Can be anxious at times. During my breakup I have been experiencing exactly what you have listed up. The only confusing part is tho, I believe my ex is a fearful avoidant. Now if iam likely to project a lot, does that mean I have a fearful avoidant inside of me? Its strange because all I tried to in our last phase of reconciliation was to establish a secure attachment between us by fully committing and not playing any hot and cold games. Also I experienced my self as the one who had less difficulties committing. My childhood experiences were also not really that hardcore traumatizing as with my ex who also struggled with domestic violence. The Collusion Principle by Jürg Willi says that its likely that both partners carry similar topics inside of them. My Fear of Loss is my Exes Fear of Commitment. As to sides of the same coin.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
The hardest part is accepting that the only thing you can change is your perception of the situation. Things happened the way they did according to 3 main factors : who you are, who the other person is, the facts (the nature of the current situation). There is often a logical explanation on why it happened but we simply lack informations to really get it. Not understanding why someone would suddenly push you away is really painful. But the right thing to do is accepting it and stop trying to figure everything out without having all the info you need to do so. "Close the door" so to speak. Thank you for your video.
Hearing this, tears as well! Unbelievable I ended up in therapy he made me feel like it's my fault and I am a toxic person who manipulated him, kept saying I am a lier and he doesn't trust me ! I went through things and as an anxious attachment style I figured out the answers I need, however I still love him and pray that he might see at some point what his flaws as well 🙏
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
I have been in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for a month now. I did text her at 2 and a half weeks though just to check on her before I learned about attachment theory. She blocked me on everything there is so I have no way to reach out to her now to tell her I understand why she suddenly broken things off after things seemed to be fine. What are the chances she will reach out at some point if she said she only wanted a break the last time I saw her and said she didn’t want it to be permanent? We hugged and kissed each other goodbye so I had hope we would just spend some time apart and grow as individuals during our time apart. I believe I was secure but over time some of the stress of the hot and cold made me become anxious and I started showing more affection and overcorrected and pushed her away. During the break up I seemed to be blamed for a lot of what happened and stuff that didn’t even happen or were unreasonable and unlike something she would have said before without taking some responsibility for the situation.
Hey Doug! Thanks for the question. I don't personally know of a direct connection between Fearful Avoidant and OCD, though, I imagine that someone who has a Disorganized Attachment Style and has experienced a lot of trauma and in turn a lot of fear could have OCD coping mechanisms.
@@KatyaMorozova some experts (though not many) think there may be a link to having OCD can be connected to a sign of having other personality problems. There is not much about this on the internet, but that doesn't mean my theories are wrong. I wish someone would seriously look into this and give me a more definitive answer. I'm a totally amateur psychologist,but none the less interested.
@@doughewitt9424 Hey Doug! There are connections being made between OCD and a stuck fight or flight response - this happens often as a result of a traumatic event/s. Typically if someone has had a significant history of trauma in their life, they will often have a variety of symptoms, OCD can be one of them. I don't make the direct connection because 1. I'm not a licensed therapist so I don't diagnose and 2. Because I believe that everyone's trauma history and life history is unique - and because I believe someone could have OCD and NOT have other personality disorders ie the link might be there for some, while not there for others.
@@KatyaMorozova Thanks Katya. There is a video to be made on this by someone!!!!! I wonder who will be brave enough to be the one who makes the video ???
If it’s measured by their kitchen food items for themselves and our 3 children, I say a resounding yes. She was into Beachbody and still does their program food products and occasional supplements while our children have the same processed junk food and weekly trips to McDonalds. The buffoonery is real. You must learn to laugh it off and be as present for the kids and them too I have found and authentic and genuine. What’s interesting as you can start to talk about things that used to lead to a major argument from that place. Example if I had told her she has a control problem in years past we’re going through the divorce she would start screaming hitting throwing things World War III. Yesterday it got brought up my day visiting our children and she is able to converse about it and not react. What you don’t see is 16 months of serious internal work on my end to get to that place. For the long term push-pull couples (in my case 13 years) this inner healing is not a couple weekends or months of NC. You have to go find that kid inside and just sit there with them for awhile. And you know what for some of you it’s gonna hurt like hell and you’re gonna lose everything you’re gonna literally lose your whole life and then one day you wake up and then you figure all this shit out
As an FA female - I implore you to do some self-reflecting. If you’re an AA, are you clingy? Do you need constant contact and reassurance? Are you creating an imbalance and giving all your power away? The more secure you are, the more secure your FA feels. If you’re responding in highly emotional ways e.g. emotional outbursts, jealousy, crying excessively, emotional manipulation, you’re going to get the hot and cold dynamic. We need to feel safe.
It’s the flip-flopping and constant overthinking and ruminating that kills it for me. You can be as secure as you want....FA makes mountains out of mole hills, constantly looking for “problems”.
@Anthony Timmers wow you just described my ex exactly. I saw some red flags early on but was blinded to it because the sex was so good. That soon went away and then learned about all her past childhood trauma and bad relationships. Worst part is she is conditioned her oldest daughter to have the same behaviors. We dated a year and half first year was great lot of love intimacy and care for one another. The last half had been constant push pull up and down pointless arguments and with holding intimacy and affection to push me to break up with her. It was kinda a mutual split. She wanted to stay friends and continue to stay in touch. I said no it would be to hard hoping for what we had in the beginning.
As an FA female you really should do your own self reflecting and not implore anyone to do it for your need to feel safe. Sorry for brutal honesty but as a former FA female I’ll explain what I mean. Everyone should do self reflecting. But suggesting that someone needs to do extra work because FA “needs to feel safe” is a bit much. Every person needs to feel safe. FA are not any special in that regards. Nor are they owed a special treatment. Placing responsibility for the way FA feels on someone else is counterproductive. FA should do their own self reflection and forget about this idea that someone “makes” them feel something. Nobody can “make” them feel. Their feelings are their own responsibility. And their healing is their OWN responsibility. Not their AA’s partner’s, not their secure partner’s, not their dog’s, not God’s etc. I can’t emphasize this enough. Seems like FAs often get stuck in their inability to understand this and therefore end up stalling the whole process and hurting a lot of people. I couldn’t start healing from being an FA literally until I stopped consciously/subconsciously pointing fingers at the ways others “made me feel”. I am a grown person and it is my job to move towards being secure. And being secure means not letting every wind blow you away and not throwing rocks while living in a glass house.
@Anthony Timmers I can attest to this. My ex is Fearful Avoidant with CPTSD (and he presents very much like someone with borderline personality disorder). I have a secure attachment style and there is no way to have an emotionally healthy relationship with people who have this, sadly. They need therapy. For years. A lot of deep self work. There is no do-over for what went wrong in childhood. The onus is on the person with insecure attachment (e.g the FA) to create their own safety - you can't burden someone else with that because they are not your mommy or daddy. It's inappropriate. We have to do our own work and not make other people have to suffer you by jumping through hoops.
Hi Katya Could you please help me. Been involved with a FA for approx. 3 years (12 months of friendship initially and fell for her completely in this time) then two years of hot and cold due from her to us both ending 20+ year marriages and her problematic ex, kids, grief from the break up of our marriages etc. She has finally decided to go back to her husband who is very controlling so she can be with her children 24/7 as she said not seeing them all the time was killing her. I've been able to move on from my marriage and could identify that I had fallen out of love long ago but I've never felt distress or heartbreak like it as a result of my relationship with her. I feel like I've found emotional connection like I have never felt with anyone only to have it all stripped away due to her fears surrounding moving on from him and blending families. My mental health as a result of being rejected over and again has never been so low and I feel like I have developed an acute depression as a result of not being able to explore the relationship. Any suggestions?
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
I'm secure. I did miss them and felt sad, confused etc over the break up. Maybe not as deeply as some others tho cos I accepted it and didn't try to get back together. It is what it is. My love for them didn't go anywhere. It's ok to still love and let go. Then time to process, come to an understanding and focus on self.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
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| Free Guide | 5 Steps To Heal & Find Your Center After A Breakup >> katyamorozova.lpages.co/5-steps-to-heal-and-find-yourself-after-a-breakup/
Spasobo thank you I love your videos. I need to buy your coaching. How do I do it?
@@spearmint4093 Pajalusta! I'm glad you dig my videos. You can book a session here >> www.katyamorozova.me/services-2/
As an FA, I would implore anyone dating an FA to leave them if they arent working on themselves. They have so much work to do.
It's could to know what it's like from an FA perspective. My FA thinks he is totally find and keeps saying it's all me but I'm the only one seeing a counsellor.
I agree. I am also an FA and even with all the self-knowledge I have, I still end up going hot/cold with my partner and I know it’s not good for them. They deserve someone who makes them feel more wanted.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
Holy shit. Mic drop
As a secure leaning anxious, dating a FA has been the most confusing experience, and the breakup has been the worst I’ve ever been through. Just hearing all of the things I’m experiencing being described is extremely validating and helpful, thank you so much for this.
Same boat as you
Same! blessings
Please How did u know you are secure and not anxious ?? I
They go from confessing their love for you and commitment one day, to literally ghosting you.
It’s one of the most traumatizing and psychologically exhuasting experiences.
You just can’t make sense of it and it’s a huge loss that’s hard to accept.
At least with a death, it makes sense and is finite and you can move on progressively.
This feels like a spiritual and emotional attack back and forth - it’s torture.
I did this. I'm probably an FA, but she broke up with me after 9 months. As soon as she did, I just left, unfollowed and never answered her goodbye text.
YES!!!!!im experiencing this now. My worst fear is that ill let get enough for them to want someone else in their life, and live happily ever after , which he gives her the vulnerability I never got for 2 years 🥲
Thank you for creating a video encouraging us to MOVE ON from these types. Every video on TH-cam is about "how to win back" "draw in closer" the avoidants. Why would anyone want that?? I have never felt so deprived of love and affection from any partner in my entire life and it is ruining me.
I’m glad this part of my advice resonated for you. I’m a realist, and the reality is that in most situations it’s best to move on and idealistic to hang on. It’s sad, and disheartening, of course, but honest.
I totally agree. It’s nice to not have to feel any more pressure already to perform like a peacock 🦚 again when they still don’t even care and with another replacement cont to repeat the same move in quickly. now I get to play non custodial parent and try to guide my young children thru cognitive dissonance. Will be happy when she decides to stay in front of the mirror one day long enough to realize what she’s done and then fix herself. There’s always hope but not if they don’t completely change too.
I 100% agree!! I was just dumped for the second time by a person I strongly believe to be an FA and I want to know how to heal Not win them back. This has been an incredibly painful experience and I don’t want to ever go through something like it again.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems....
@@erinmahar5968 ditto, worst roller coaster ride I’ve ever been on ! She made me feel comfortable, amazing, etc etc, dated for 2 months with her, some awesome times, and head scratcher moments, she broke it off with me a month ago, I know I’m better off, I never want to go through this again. Hopefully time passes quickly.
I was with an FA woman. I wanted her more than I’ve ever wanted anything. She absolutely crushed me. This is all so real. I am devastated
Same here buddy. Worst feeling ever
This breaks my heart that this video needs to be. It breaks my heart that FA's could leave behind this hurt. As a healing FA, I apologize.
Don’t blame yourself
You're not responsible for anyone else's actions nor for the harsh reputation so many people give FAs. And your own traits, even though those are your responsibility, still aren't your _fault._ Trying to work on yourself over time is the most anyone can do, and is the most anyone can ever reasonably expect of others or themselves. I'm proud of you, friend :)
I am so happy to finally be learning about avoidant personality types so I can never waste another minute with one again. I'm absolutely done being in relationships where I don't get my needs met and have to leave myself out in the cold to keep a person around. So done, in fact, that I don't even see the value of "working on it" with a DA or FA if it means having to suffer another second of dismissal through their process or once again do all the emotional labor in a relationship.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
I am so with you on this !! Great compatibility and potential but total push and pull, future talking and closeness and then total detachment/ disengagement. Two and half years of being too empathetic and understanding while I became as poorly as him ! Most confusing and painful experience ever with someone who doesn’t seem therapy. 😞
@@suecoops4487for real, 'lets move in and get married' and then 'I need space. In fact, I dont think we should be together'
Always flipping from one extreme to another. I love her so much. But it wasnt easy to love her.
Despite all the headache, she was a great person and I do miss her still.
One of the first signs was when she said " I'm not changing anything" with such conviction
I feel only pity for my FA ex now, before the end I could suddenly see just how deeply truamised he was. The break up was kind and I told him I wasn't angry with him. He thanked me for the kindness as he had a history of women hating him after a breakup. He found it extremely difficult to be in a relationship he literally would be extremely jealous and get upset if I didn't communicate with him in exactly the way he needed. He also needed me to chase him all the time, but when he needed space I had to conform to that too and be cool about it on his schedule. I urge all FAs to recognise these patterns and to try not to assume negatives.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
I felt the same!!! He was so good to me but the push and pull was a struggle
I had to hear this. I’m a healing AP madly in love with a FA. Was push pull for a while, she has enormous amounts of trauma that is bubbling up now and heavy adhd to boot. We started dating when she was divorcing a narcissist (10 years married). She told me she wants to work on herself finally, but has no room for a relationship now despite she loves me deeply and I’m very important to her. Sadly I feel I can’t be friends because I’ll always want more and she’ll feel that. We felt like soulmates when we me, and still do…. Living hell as we are now no contact, but I want to give her this chance. Love sometimes really isn’t enough 😭
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
This is the exact situation I am going through now. What ended up happening? I've been NC for a week now.
I stopped reading at:
‘started dating when she was divorcing’
Hey Yannick, I'm in the same situation... Did you get back together or are you still in touch? Hope you're doing okay mate, cheers
As an FA, TELL THEM THEY'RE AN FA if they don't know they are. People who care will give helpful constructive feedback. Don't leave us - we love you lol.
Yeah my FA is very confused by their own behaviour. He works on himself as well as he can but still takes his flee or fight reactions as listening to his intuition. He broke up with me. But if we get in touch again I will try and tell him what I learnt, hoping they don't take my words as an attack ; ) I don't even want to get back together with them necessarily at all, it's just a bit of help from a human to another since we're all struggling with our ways at times and could use the feedback.
I did. I tried to help. Showed her deactivating strategies. She still left without a word
@@digga7200same lmao
i know she loves me, but she dumped me on the phone after being with me for 24h, the same night she tinder fuck a guy to get over me, she then tells me and makes that my pain, and she just wants to keep fucking others because "she can´t handle a relastionship" and all the classical shit, fuck that shit
I tried to tell him after our final breakup and he didn’t appreciate it. He thought all the drama was due to me not being right for him and the solution is to find someone else. Hopefully at some point down the road he’ll gain some insight and realise it all comes from within.
I’ve been binging healing from breakup videos for weeks and this has been the most helpful video I’ve found. Truly. The realization that AA is actually another emotional avoidance mechanism. That hit home for me.
As currently recovering from a breakup with an FA whom I fell deeply in love with, all of this is spot on, expressed very clearly and enormously helpful. It really tempts me to consider a session with you, but I need to be more financially secure first. I do see a public health-care psychologist already, which tells me a lot of the same things, but not with the same clarity and "definity" as you do. There's a smoldering hope that we may have a chance in the future again. But after a gruelling couple of weeks, I'm happy that I'm finally landing in an area of self-focus and self-care and able to let her go, so she (hopefully) can come to terms with her own feelings for me, wherever she hid these.
The 10% showing up vs. 90% avoiding is just so difficult! As a healing Anxious, this is sooo hard
Rarely I could relate to a video as much as I did with this one. I am on the verge of a divorce after a 9 years long marriage where I (anxious) and my FA wife never consistently connected.
Your words speak to me in a powerful way, they resonate like music. Thank you again.
Due to my experience, I'm starting to think the term fearful avoidant is a nice way of describing someone with borderline personality disorder. And understanding your specific attachment style helps you deal with a borderline and the aftermath of loving them. Thanks Dr Bowlby
Hey Chris! Thanks for sharing. There is more and more evidence that Borderline PD is a result of experiencing a significant amount of developmental trauma. As well, FA's develop their FA style out of their attachment wounds and trauma. I believe the two exist on a spectrum and vary in degrees of health or dysregulation.
And I agree, I think understanding attachment styles can be a powerful force in the healing process.
And both seems developing kind of... narcissism traits too by the way. :(
I Dont agree. Im borderline and am sure my "ex" has dismissive attachement
@@spearmint4093 that's who you attract with your disorder
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
I'm in the situation now. My FA ex broke up with me, I'm AP and J keep watching videos like "what is you FA ex feeling", "how to get your FA ex back", I don't think it's helping me. I just have to sit with my own sadness, anger, fear, panick and feeling of helplessness. But it's sooo damn hard to feel all these things at once and not go completely mad :(
It’s critical that you do. It will hurt like hell most days. Pain body is necessary. The little child inside is looking forward to seeing you again.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
Well you can experience this current heartbreak hell and take baby steps one day at a time and learning to love and re-invest in yourself and move on to a healthier deep love with the person who's really meant for you, orrrrrrrrr you can experience this same scenario over and over again until you end up becoming nothing but a shell of your former self.❤
Thank you soooo so much. Your videos and especially this one have helped me a lot in dealing with this breakup, learning to connect with myself, and recognizing my worth. I've been trying for so long to understand FAs (two FA partners back to back), figure out how to act around them and ultimately get them to consistently choose me. Finally, I'm choosing myself.
I love hearing that you're "choosing yourself". That is my hope for everyone who watches my videos. Thanks for commenting and I'm so glad the videos feel supportive to you.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
Katya, hope you seeing my response. Your the best, you explained Soo truthfully. I'm listening to you as I write this. Lady, your the best by listening to you, I'm on my way to healing. I'm feeling the strength to stand up for myself as my relationship had just broken up finally, I need to move on with my life. To me I'm feeling a lot better off by myself not searching for love.I got into this relationship looking for companionship, my husband died over a year now, there's a lot happening around me and I was looking for a companion for support but Jesus is the best friend and companion. I'm from the Caribbean, Trinidad and Tobago, bless you Katya keep making other person's life stronger and better ❤️❤️❤️, God love you.
Hi Ms. Katya,
As with some of your other compelling videos, very soulfully painful to watch and digest internally. The "hot/cold" emotional dynamics is what I've gone through with someone I was dating previously. She admitted her emotional unavailability AFTER several months of dating her, which I appreciate. Separating from her is the biggest challenge as I've been so physically attracted to her.
Thank you Katya for being a❣️ kind soul and for sharing an excerpt of your personal life as well,
Ravi
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Ravi.
Chemistry can be a strong glue between people, so I totally get how that can make it hard to move on.
...I'll consider this quandary as a possible video topic, as I know you're not the only one who comes up against this challenge.
After a few of them now since divorce, I feel real empathy at last for the men who date her and have dated her and how we were all sucked into her tantric and intoxicating spell. Learning the truth is often downright shocking. But learn we all must.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems...
Thank you so much for explaining OUR experience. So many people have told me he didn’t really love me and MY experience is completely different. I found myself trying to convince THEM that he did but just didn’t have the tools. Which didn’t help my own healing.
I’m glad this video resonated for you and that you felt heard. ✨
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
I really wanted to thank you for sharing this. Although I wasn't in a long term relationship with this person, I had started to fall pretty hard for her when she went silent on me. I had been told before hand by one of her best friends that she thought she really liked me and maybe she did. It helps to know that maybe she really did care for me at some point and that ending things like that with me had to do more with her own issues than with me. What was most difficult is the lack of closure. She just stopped talking to me after spending the last 2 months talking to me all day everyday.
As an AP who's just split from an FA again, I can honestly say it was so confusing with the hot and cold. I've been through some bad experiences. Even now with this, it's not been the worst, but it has aswell. Had way better chemistry, but the FA won't take any responsibility and blame me for everything, whilst claiming she needs to work on overthinking and stress. I saw nothing....
Wow. The story of you and your ex is what I’m living right now. Thank you thank you.
Happy it resonated!
Hows it going now 6 months on?
@@Artby.elifAydemir I have done so much healing. I have forgiven and often pray that he has found joy, truth, love, and peace.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
When they dont choose you over and over..while your giving all you can to them..and then they ghost you away after years of struggle to connect .is so painful..i want to work it out.but you cant when the other isnt willing..
I've been ghosted out of an 8 month long friendship - shocking to hear it happens in years lon relationships as well. So sorry you have to go through this. Sending you all the strength and - if you want to - here's some crossed fingers that you guys can reconnect.
Getting a breakup and blocked by an FA is so difficult especially when I am an Anxious
I'm sorry to hear that. It gets easier. Hang in there. 🙏
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
Can you tell me how you are doing now are you over your ex because same thing happened to me please tell me it gets better or they come back?
@@drscience_xo no they don't. But i learn that I deserve better
I really don’t want any relationship at all. I’ve given up on my FA long ago. If it’s not him I really don’t want anything and it will never be him either. I’ve given up completely.
So, my "breakup" with an FA is actually ghosting. And not out of a love relationship, but out of a friendship. For me personally, that's even more painful, as to me every friendship is unique and love relationships just the same in different colors.
I'm secure leaning AP and of course he brought all the anxious traits out in me. I feel this friendship was / is meant to be and as painful as this expirience is, I thank him for the challenges, for the love I felt and what I found out about attachment styles when I researched about ghosting.
It's been 4 month now, so half the time our intense friendship was and I still would like him back. BUT not to restart where we left, but to start into a season 2 in our friendship, where I don't take this chaser runner dynamic personally, am more chill and more connected to my own needs again. I didn't do much wrong in the friendship, actually communicated what I need well and put my needs out there, not constatntly surpressing them. I also got a lot more patient thanks to him. But - as you mentioned in the video - I was very focused on how he was feeling, ho strong his fear was, what I can do to ease it etc.
But that's his work, I can only lend him a hand. I still wish he'll take it back. But oh boy, he has a looot of work to do and I'm aware of that. And if he doesn't want we have no chance and never had.
This video was incredible and extremely helpful. Thank you
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for commenting.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
This is really helpful. Thank you
I'm so glad! : )
It's almost been a year and my 6yo son misses her and her kids. We lost all three just trying to start a family. She was enough and I don't blame her, I blame those who made her this way. I'll always love her
Yup. You feel like it was a waste and they were just using you to pass time.
Perfect timing for me Katya, my fearful avoidant ended our relationship last Friday and I went no-contact with her yesterday. Some grief but actually what I'm most feeling is the abandonment of it. This video was so helpful. Most helpful comment is 'closing the door'. I had a check-in planned with her in two weeks (with a relationship coach) but I'm now wondering about the wisdom of it.
I wouldn't check in with her. Go NC just so you can get clarity and in a way get all the feelings processed. Depending on how long you were with her, it may take awhile since it seems with FA, you're faced with the paradox of experiencing someone so wonderful but they just couldn't deliver (at their current state). If you hope to reconcile, at least do it from a state where you're yourself again and at least know what pitfalls you don't want to fall in again.
I personally just wrote a letter to my FA ex of all the things she inspired me to do and empathized with all the struggles and deep emotions that she struggled to communicate that I finally understood after the NC time. I created the narrative understanding the quagmire in the situation and made it like a spiritual twin flame/soul mate separation stage, and that it's a healing stage for both of us. I ended the letter showing how much she meant to me and noting her potential for herself. Basically I created a narrative to heal without placing it all on her but it will be better in the future however it worked.
I don't really feel bad after break ups in general, but I felt the abandonment feelings too. I think it's a transference of emotions of empathizing with how FA's live their lives, so in a sense we're in a trauma-like state and in that FA mindset of limbo.
Good luck. Unfortunately it played out like that, but better to close the door now and be a better version of yourself, so you either move on, or if rekindling is an option, you know what boundaries you want to enforce and what needs to be done to sustain a somewhat consistent relationship.
Hey Andrew! Thank you for the thoughtful feedback, and I'm sorry to hear about your break up.
It sounds like your intuition is on your side. It's important to connect with that voice as you navigate the early stages of your breakup.
@@Agenthai7 did your ex respond to your letter? i am also thinking of writing a letter to my ex. i am currently in week 3 of no contact. I am scared as she may reject it. She went back to her ex, so i don't know where her head is at. idk if she went back to not feel from our breakup, or she went back because she has feelings for her ex. sigh idk what to do
@@cedes868 To be specific, I wrote an email, and my email program allows me to see if my email was read. She never replied but she did instantly read my email at 2 in the morning. And then she proceeded to read my email 3 more times the next day.
I wrote my letter not really with the intention for her to reply but to allow space her to heal and move forward. I knew she wouldn't reply and I was already expecting the rejection, but I figured that I would be able to recover from it, and she needs more of my love moving forward than the other way around.
Also in my letter I stated the situation as it was and assumed it was from intense feelings that brought out her innermost fears. Whether I was accurate or not doesn't matter to me. If she plans to rekindle with me, she'll do it under the assumption that she accepted that notion.
If you're in week 3 of NC, I would just stick with it and find a way to move on. You need to act in a a clear calm state before really hoping for her back. Be prepared for her to reach out at some point, but it could be a breadcrumb. The reason I wrote the letter was because she gave me a breadcrumb and if I state a text in a certain way, she'll run away. My intention of the letter was to show her how much I cared for her to help her during hard times. I was fully vulnerable and stated everything openly whether she embraced that or rejected it.
With FA, it's mostly a power struggle stage at certain point, and the letter was in a way the my ultimate power play move. I let her win, and she can run away all she wants. She's accustomed to some backlash or what not from her actions. I didn't give her any of that. I acted more loving. So when there comes a day that she misses me more than she scared of intimacy, I hold the cards for my boundaries for how I move forward and what I would want out of this (communication and acts of her healing and moving forward at whatever pace).
FA are confused when it comes to intimacy/romance, so if you have any value that she can't find anywhere else, you need to leverage that not only for her situation, but for your own sake.
@@Agenthai7 well said... thank you for taking the time. i will continue no contact, and build myself. Whenever I am in a good space I will write a letter.
excellent piece of advice. thank you Katya. I self quizzed a border line AP and the projection explanation is a difficult confession for me as I am so sad about my FA wanting to end our time together..
Thanks for this Katya! This is helpful. There is one part that I need to understand better. Your advice for "did they ever really love me" is to focus on my experience and that is my truth. I don't get that - I mean if they DIDN'T really love me, even if I did feel loved, it was an illusion, right? Or vice versa... Can someone help me understand what Katya is saying here?
My fearful avoidant never came back Once she broke up with me she was done. I have spoken to her but she won’t engage or even talk about maybe working things out
Thank you!
I’m on Breakup #2 - Day 1
- I’m definitely anxious avoidant neglecting my own feelings. . .
Thank you so so much, I'm connecting with all of your content and it's helping me to understand my fears and emotions. 🙏
That's wonderful to hear!
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
It’s very difficult because they become a different person righ before your eyes.. and the person they presented themselves to be will imprint.. brand if you will.. on your heart and mind.. and you’ll always be in this state of confusion .. because you’ll always struggle to see them as anyone different.. and you could stay stuck in chasing the person they SHOWED you.. but in reality. They are not like that.. so, do yourself a favor.. suffer now for a bit.. or continue to suffer and try to work things out..
This is such a good video. Thank you so much :)
Why thanks! Any my pleasure.
My ex is a FA but he is shutting me out completely. He’s blocked me on everything and is being really cruel towards me. I’ve been keeping him at arms length because I’m struggling as he’s in my friends group but it feels like he’s almost punishing me. He’s showing me a lot of hate.
Is this dismissive avoidant instead?
Incredible video and advice
Thank you, and thanks for stopping by.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
I really appreciate this video ❤️
Glad it resonated! Thank you for commenting.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
Great video. Thank you!
My pleasure! Thanks for watching. 😊
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
I too have had similar experiences from my current ex that after learning showed all FA traits...from the first 5 months of love bombing from her to distancing with hot and cold behaviour to saying she was overwhelmed and stress, needed space when i gave her all the space she needed.....an amazing beautiful soul but with her issues made it hard and me feel anxious over time when normally secure....I gave her space for a few weeks maybe to much on my part I dont know and told her how i felt after to receiving some confusion answers and as she would never talk until 11months in and the end of what we had which is now non existent.....i would help and support her needs if she would open up and tell me but it was always promised and never did, sometime patience, supporting and love isn't enough and you need to let them go because they always flee as the next step to protect their feelings ....its sad for both and confusing when someone you love does this without knowing why themselves....the next steps i dont know except move forward and work on yourself and the universe will do what is right for all.. keep healing 🙏
Raise Attraction = motivates FA to do self-work / sacrifice for you
Such food for thought
Glad it was thought inspiring.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
'your FA ex might come back and you're probly used to this by now' tell me about it 😅 3 'breakups' in just over a year.
I mean. She's a wonderful person. But having a relationship with her has been hard work.
8:49 that was painful to hear… I do worry about others’ feelings before mine… and I’m always on the (how to fix it) and (how to make them feel better) before looking at how I am feeling!
I’m always looking up (what do they need) so I can give that… before looking at what do I need…
You have to do both. Get distant. First what you need. Trade evenly.
I Can be anxious at times. During my breakup I have been experiencing exactly what you have listed up. The only confusing part is tho, I believe my ex is a fearful avoidant. Now if iam likely to project a lot, does that mean I have a fearful avoidant inside of me? Its strange because all I tried to in our last phase of reconciliation was to establish a secure attachment between us by fully committing and not playing any hot and cold games. Also I experienced my self as the one who had less difficulties committing. My childhood experiences were also not really that hardcore traumatizing as with my ex who also struggled with domestic violence. The Collusion Principle by Jürg Willi says that its likely that both partners carry similar topics inside of them. My Fear of Loss is my Exes Fear of Commitment. As to sides of the same coin.
not sure if I was succecfull with my no-hot-and- cold attempt
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......
Whatzapp him now....
Do a how to heal from a dismissive avoidant relationship please
Thanks for the request. I think this one will be coming up very soon.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
*tears*
🙏🙏
The hardest part is accepting that the only thing you can change is your perception of the situation. Things happened the way they did according to 3 main factors : who you are, who the other person is, the facts (the nature of the current situation). There is often a logical explanation on why it happened but we simply lack informations to really get it. Not understanding why someone would suddenly push you away is really painful. But the right thing to do is accepting it and stop trying to figure everything out without having all the info you need to do so. "Close the door" so to speak.
Thank you for your video.
Hearing this, tears as well!
Unbelievable I ended up in therapy he made me feel like it's my fault and I am a toxic person who manipulated him, kept saying I am a lier and he doesn't trust me !
I went through things and as an anxious attachment style I figured out the answers I need, however I still love him and pray that he might see at some point what his flaws as well 🙏
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
How do I end this relationship. Go no contact or talk to him but talking to him doesn't work
I have been in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for a month now. I did text her at 2 and a half weeks though just to check on her before I learned about attachment theory. She blocked me on everything there is so I have no way to reach out to her now to tell her I understand why she suddenly broken things off after things seemed to be fine. What are the chances she will reach out at some point if she said she only wanted a break the last time I saw her and said she didn’t want it to be permanent? We hugged and kissed each other goodbye so I had hope we would just spend some time apart and grow as individuals during our time apart. I believe I was secure but over time some of the stress of the hot and cold made me become anxious and I started showing more affection and overcorrected and pushed her away. During the break up I seemed to be blamed for a lot of what happened and stuff that didn’t even happen or were unreasonable and unlike something she would have said before without taking some responsibility for the situation.
They Are masked borderliners
Hi Katya,does OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) have any relevance to these type of women?
Hey Doug! Thanks for the question. I don't personally know of a direct connection between Fearful Avoidant and OCD, though, I imagine that someone who has a Disorganized Attachment Style and has experienced a lot of trauma and in turn a lot of fear could have OCD coping mechanisms.
@@KatyaMorozova some experts (though not many) think there may be a link to having OCD can be connected to a sign of having other personality problems. There is not much about this on the internet, but that doesn't mean my theories are wrong. I wish someone would seriously look into this and give me a more definitive answer.
I'm a totally amateur psychologist,but none the less interested.
@@doughewitt9424 Hey Doug! There are connections being made between OCD and a stuck fight or flight response - this happens often as a result of a traumatic event/s. Typically if someone has had a significant history of trauma in their life, they will often have a variety of symptoms, OCD can be one of them. I don't make the direct connection because 1. I'm not a licensed therapist so I don't diagnose and 2. Because I believe that everyone's trauma history and life history is unique - and because I believe someone could have OCD and NOT have other personality disorders ie the link might be there for some, while not there for others.
@@KatyaMorozova Thanks Katya. There is a video to be made on this by someone!!!!!
I wonder who will be brave enough to be the one who makes the video ???
If it’s measured by their kitchen food items for themselves and our 3 children, I say a resounding yes. She was into Beachbody and still does their program food products and occasional supplements while our children have the same processed junk food and weekly trips to McDonalds. The buffoonery is real. You must learn to laugh it off and be as present for the kids and them too I have found and authentic and genuine. What’s interesting as you can start to talk about things that used to lead to a major argument from that place. Example if I had told her she has a control problem in years past we’re going through the divorce she would start screaming hitting throwing things World War III. Yesterday it got brought up my day visiting our children and she is able to converse about it and not react. What you don’t see is 16 months of serious internal work on my end to get to that place. For the long term push-pull couples (in my case 13 years) this inner healing is not a couple weekends or months of NC. You have to go find that kid inside and just sit there with them for awhile. And you know what for some of you it’s gonna hurt like hell and you’re gonna lose everything you’re gonna literally lose your whole life and then one day you wake up and then you figure all this shit out
As an FA female - I implore you to do some self-reflecting.
If you’re an AA, are you clingy? Do you need constant contact and reassurance? Are you creating an imbalance and giving all your power away?
The more secure you are, the more secure your FA feels.
If you’re responding in highly emotional ways e.g. emotional outbursts, jealousy, crying excessively, emotional manipulation, you’re going to get the hot and cold dynamic. We need to feel safe.
Well said! And great questions to explore.
It’s the flip-flopping and constant overthinking and ruminating that kills it for me. You can be as secure as you want....FA makes mountains out of mole hills, constantly looking for “problems”.
@Anthony Timmers wow you just described my ex exactly. I saw some red flags early on but was blinded to it because the sex was so good. That soon went away and then learned about all her past childhood trauma and bad relationships. Worst part is she is conditioned her oldest daughter to have the same behaviors. We dated a year and half first year was great lot of love intimacy and care for one another. The last half had been constant push pull up and down pointless arguments and with holding intimacy and affection to push me to break up with her. It was kinda a mutual split. She wanted to stay friends and continue to stay in touch. I said no it would be to hard hoping for what we had in the beginning.
As an FA female you really should do your own self reflecting and not implore anyone to do it for your need to feel safe. Sorry for brutal honesty but as a former FA female I’ll explain what I mean.
Everyone should do self reflecting. But suggesting that someone needs to do extra work because FA “needs to feel safe” is a bit much. Every person needs to feel safe. FA are not any special in that regards. Nor are they owed a special treatment. Placing responsibility for the way FA feels on someone else is counterproductive. FA should do their own self reflection and forget about this idea that someone “makes” them feel something. Nobody can “make” them feel. Their feelings are their own responsibility. And their healing is their OWN responsibility. Not their AA’s partner’s, not their secure partner’s, not their dog’s, not God’s etc. I can’t emphasize this enough. Seems like FAs often get stuck in their inability to understand this and therefore end up stalling the whole process and hurting a lot of people. I couldn’t start healing from being an FA literally until I stopped consciously/subconsciously pointing fingers at the ways others “made me feel”. I am a grown person and it is my job to move towards being secure. And being secure means not letting every wind blow you away and not throwing rocks while living in a glass house.
@Anthony Timmers I can attest to this. My ex is Fearful Avoidant with CPTSD (and he presents very much like someone with borderline personality disorder). I have a secure attachment style and there is no way to have an emotionally healthy relationship with people who have this, sadly. They need therapy. For years. A lot of deep self work.
There is no do-over for what went wrong in childhood.
The onus is on the person with insecure attachment (e.g the FA) to create their own safety - you can't burden someone else with that because they are not your mommy or daddy. It's inappropriate. We have to do our own work and not make other people have to suffer you by jumping through hoops.
Hi Katya
Could you please help me. Been involved with a FA for approx. 3 years (12 months of friendship initially and fell for her completely in this time) then two years of hot and cold due from her to us both ending 20+ year marriages and her problematic ex, kids, grief from the break up of our marriages etc. She has finally decided to go back to her husband who is very controlling so she can be with her children 24/7 as she said not seeing them all the time was killing her. I've been able to move on from my marriage and could identify that I had fallen out of love long ago but I've never felt distress or heartbreak like it as a result of my relationship with her. I feel like I've found emotional connection like I have never felt with anyone only to have it all stripped away due to her fears surrounding moving on from him and blending families. My mental health as a result of being rejected over and again has never been so low and I feel like I have developed an acute depression as a result of not being able to explore the relationship. Any suggestions?
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
Whatsazzz him👆👆
So does only the anxious attachment person suffer in this dynamic?
I'm secure. I did miss them and felt sad, confused etc over the break up. Maybe not as deeply as some others tho cos I accepted it and didn't try to get back together. It is what it is. My love for them didn't go anywhere. It's ok to still love and let go. Then time to process, come to an understanding and focus on self.
thanks..... truly
You’re most welcome! 😊
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......