Wow..."the end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." I'm a therapist and that blew my mind.
Sounds logical and basic, how did I over look the work it would take to change for 30 years. Kind of knew this but nothing ever changed bc of the lack of knowledge the work was essential. Thank you so much for this - I believe it will change people’s lives for sure if they dedicate the time into making the honest changes ❤😊
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭 I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰 I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
@@patriot-hj5vx it’s like being a social chameleon- depending who’s around, how they’re feeling, what they like, the overall vibe, etc- you morph into a version of yourself that is “acceptable” to that person or people around. While there could be aspects of an authentic self, there’s still a different mask that’s put on that ensures that there’s some degree of social harmony, however, you end up hiding and concealing parts of the self that actually create intimate connection, because it’s the vulnerability that forms depth in a relationship. So the chameleon may work to please people, but it results in superficial relationships and a deep unfulfilled desire to be known and belong as our true self.
Hmmm, really interesting. I feel like I have huge issues in both directions of this spectrum, because I tend to come off as BOTH intellectual/analytical/hyper-independent AND overly giving/selfless/doormat-ish in my daily life. The thought of coming off as either needy OR selfish makes me break out in hives. I'm sure I must not be the only fearful avoidant who experiences this sort of paradoxical identity simultaneously.
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter- they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” ― Sylvia Plath
Heidi, I hope you're reading this. I've spent two decades wondering what was wrong with me. I've already spent years learning all about self help and meditation, etc. But it was your channel which finally gave me my answers. Within only about 4 months now I've managed to finally open up to people and proudly present myself as the helpless, vulnerable mess that I am. And not a single person of the 1-2 dozen people I talked to did not show support and understanding. You've finally made me able to see the world as a kind place. I even managed to make up with my family and get an understanding from them that I never thought was possible. Thank you so much for everything
That is so true. Learning about Attachment Style Theory taught me so much about my insecure attachment. I told the woman I had loved secretly for 5 years about my feelings for her, looked her in the eye and said the most beautiful/ dreadful three words. Can't forget the sound of her breathing when I said that, as if I had emptied a bucket of cold water on her head. I felt so light. In our previous meeting I had told her how I felt it hard to breathe in her absence. I told her that I was insecure. It was like a huge, long white snake-like monster that had lived in me all my life, I pushed it out in one moment. That was last year. The woman is fearful avoidant so it is all on and off but I have no regrets. I have done my best without making use of "the game". Such a beautiful thing happened and with the right person it could have been so amazing.
I’m so happy that you were able to see yourself more clearly. And I promise you, you’re not a mess! I also found that learning about attachment styles last year had a similar effect on me. I was using a fearful avoidant coping mechanism and understanding that was earth shattering in the best possible way. While I wish I had discovered it before I was 53. I’m glad I figured it out at all because my life is getting better by the day. And now I understand why relationships were so confusing to me!
I think in my relationship (romantic) I come off more avoidant but in my head I am incredibly anxious. In confrontation I feel like both sides are battling eachother and in turn I become SILENT. My brain is doing a million things and nothing at the same time. It takes me forever to create and say a thought and I always end up getting emotional, something i really hate. In friendships, I am very avoidant and emotionally detached. I care and want to be there for them but never give them the opportunity to do the same for me. In turn I dont have the deep connections with my friends that I desire and have very very few friends. This has been a lifelong struggle and i have always felt like a walking contradiction and recently it has really taken a toll on my self image and mental health. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for breaking this down for me and giving me hope that I can break this cycle for myself
Holy shit. I’m realizing I lean avoidant, but am triggered into that heightened state when in a relationship. I never understood the drastic flip in my behavior when I got into a relationship. I stayed single because I hated the way I was when I would date. I was “never myself”
well this actually cleared up which way I lean. I did the exact same for most of my young adulthood. I hated how needy I was and I hated how preoccupied I became about crushes. My instinct was to be mean and push them away. And honestly, the partner I chose is one where I am the one managing his emotions and suppressing my own (and of course, resenting him for it). When I get triggered, I feel neglected and like I will never be able to truly connect with him, but then that makes me want to run away again.
I don’t even know. I feel anxious, but act avoidant. It’s so hard to take the mask off. The anxiety while being in a relationship is always growing til it bursts into major drama and extreme pain. Speaking openly about emotions feels so frightening, but I’m trying. Thanks for your content! It helps a lot 🫶
This is exactly how I feel !!! I’m extremely anxious but you would never be able to tell. It comes off as an extreme avoidant. Is that what being disorganized means?
me 100%. externally i will come off avoidant but on the inside, i feel like a full flown true anxious attacher. when i sense a pull back, ill come closer just 1 more time, then once i sense rejection i am gone- but internally all i want to do is reach out as much as someone anxiously will.
@@Sariimura whats the difference between disorganised and fear-avoidant. seems to me they both seek closeness but act aloof as a way of self-protection?
@@_ZiXin_ Good question! I am no expert, but I believe those two concepts to be referring to the same attachment style (one in reference to childhood, the latter to adulthood). I might be wrong, but my understanding is that the term Disorganized Attachment is often used for children and in adulthood it can lead to the adult having Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. From the literature we can extract that people with this kind of insecure attachment display contradictory behaviors and tend to feel they don't deserve love or closeness in a relationship. On a side note, this is different from Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment style.
I am so shocked at how detailed you are about the thought process. This entire time I thought I was anxious but it did not sit well with me because I can be cold and avoidant at times too. It's like you said... the moment my anxious side gets triggered, I am hyper aware of how embarrassing it is and how it makes me feel, that I am losing myself. I also avoid confrontation because I feel personally attacked and I will shut down and avoid you for weeks yet I desperately want to talk. I feel trapped in my mind because I am super aware of myself and don't want to come off being toxic. It's like I want to talk about feelings and emotions but I also don't want to talk about feelings and emotions. What is wrong with me?😭 Also, i have a tendency of asking my partner if I'm being too needy or clingy, just to check if I'm still good. Gotta supress that lil psycho😂
I completely understand and relate to you. I am the same Im afriad of relying on people too much with talking about my feelings ir problems so i just usually dont. but everything I took from this video is its all steps, being a little vulnerable or emotional and open to people you trust everyday will go such a long day and your emotions and that clingyness wont be like all or nothing just more consistent ig and healthy, i hoped this helped. i just related to what you said and wanted to say what things I realized about myself and steps I am now taking, regardless I wish you luck on your journey to understanding yourself better 🫶🤍
The term "Secure" attachment for me sound like they're perfect, they can do no harm. Knowing that securely attached people have imperfections makes me feel good about myself.
Just an fyi - I classify as secure and certainly have more imperfections than I'd care to admit. That said, it's more about how I live with myself and others on a day to day basis that defines my security I suppose. Sure, I've had periods of anxiousness, and needing to pull away - but these emotions are not so strong as to dictate my response. I'm just comfortable taking the space I need shamelessly. I hope everyone here gets to that point in their existence.
This is so me to a tee. I pride myself on being super rational outside of relationships and a huge fear of people seeing me as unstable. The moment I get into a romantic relationships I become super anxious and reactive and go into a shame spiral of there is something wrong with me. It is super dysregulating and confusing. I always thought of myself as more anxious but after hearing this video I realize I am actually more avoidant in life but my anxious side becomes activated in relationships. So insightful thank you❤❤
This sounds a lot like me: after the honeymoon phase fades, I start considering myself "Not Enough" for my partner and start my own shame spiral. So I become avoidant for fear of becoming too clingy or needing support (being a guy, I have it on my head - valid or not - that women don't want to be with a man who might need emotional support), and wind up creating too much distance. I mean, I know, ultimately, that I need my OWN approval. To ingrain in myself that I'm enough to MYSELF. But that kinda leads me down an avoidant path of counter-dependence, and I don't want that for myself or my partner. :/ And I think I've recently gained an avoidance to romantic relationships in general. I'm tired of my own cycles, yes. But I'm even more fearful of hurting people I love. :(
@@christianyaerger1751 i felt this SO SO much! Feels good to not feel alone and crazy. Letting our Egos go is gonna be HARD but breaking the cycle i think will be worth it
That’s so true; I went into this video thinking I leaned avoidant but now I see it’s the avoidance I take as the problematic part of me that comes out in relationships and that I naturally lead with the anxious part of me, tending to over-romanticize and get a little lost in my rose-tinted view of it all.
My biggest concern is that i can't really stop romanticizing dysfunction. as stupid as it may sound but i often feel kinda "unique" being this way. it's almost like finding my identity in this chaos. Also it helps me being more creative. I only feel like creating art and appreciate art when i am struggling. but i can't deny the fact that this constant push-and-pull, paranoia, overthinking is hella draining. It requires a lot of bravery to let go of all of this.
I definitely feel more creative when I am feeling more balanced. When I am in activating mode I feel strongly like I WANT to create but the ideas just don't come and I get frustrated or whatever I do its not good enough in my mind. When I'm more balanced I can get into something easily and it's more about the process than the end result, but I'm often more accepting of and pleased with the end result when I feel more balanced.
For me it's the polar opposite. Dysfunctional relationships bring chaos to my life. It results in repressed pain, grief, then hopelessness and finally I'm back to depression. Unable to do anything, powerless, let alone anything creative. While I grow older I crave stability more and more and that kind of relationship mess is only less appealing to me. I'm quicker to call it off than I was ever before, I believe.
I feel the same way, I fear that healing will make me an evil, cold, uncaring person and I'll become like all the people who hurt me and I won't be able to relate to people like us, It scares me because I don't know if I can really believe people are trustworthy or are not trying to manipulate or put up a facade in this day and age.
you called me out on feeling like i "lost myself." my anxious side coming out screaming was an utterly humiliating and defeating experience for me. since then, i feel like i'm a guilty dog sulking away with my tail between my legs, confused about who i am lol. "learning to be the same person everywhere you go" is such a solid goal. you made my current drama make so much sense to me in just 29 minutes. also, loved the rule about having five friends you have emotional connections with, it's a great idea.
I used to congratulate myself on being a chameleon. Took me to about 45 to realise, hang on, that's *not* a good thing. I'm 52 now. I have made a lot of progress in the last 5 years, it's easy for me to be a consistent version of myself no matter who I'm with now, although, other people can 'welcome' a side of you and you relax into it, but I feel it's always authentic now. I am so in awe of younger people who figure all of this stuff out in their 20s and 30s.
Yeah! I'm 44 and literally with this video, just realized this is my attachment style! I had no idea. I thought I had a secure, possibly anxious one. This video makes so much sense to me. It's embarrassing. I wish I knew 20 years ago.
You have to remember that folks who grow up since the internet, have a LOT more resources way younger. Also social media pressure driving insane insecurities. But. A lot more information about all this.
I read this line from somewhere and I think it perfectly sums up the dichotomoy of my experience as an avoidant-leaning FA. Something along the lines of "One of our greatest fears, but is also our deepest desire, is to be seen and known for who we truly are"
When you said you need at least 5 friends, you are close with. I was like, " I don't have any close friends. How do you get 5. " I think I have been avoidant most of my life. I'm close to my daughter and my husband. I can see as I am getting older , I don't have many memories at all of other people. It is something I regret.
This comes as a huge shock to me --- so SPOT ON. I felt I completely lost myself in my last relationship bc I was constantly leaning toward the anxious attachment style, which did not come out at all before. I was so confused while at the same time deeply ashamed of being needy and emotional to a level that I could not regulate myself. While after I started to learn about anxious attachment style and thought that was the whole me, it wasn't. I sometimes still feel uncomfortable with intimacy with someone I like and want to escape. It's like the constant two sides are running inside my body.
Wow. You have just described every relationship I’ve ever had. Especially thinking others aren’t right for me because they’ve triggered certain parts of me I don’t see as ‘me’.
This will probably get lost in all the other comments but I just want to thank you for making this video. I've never felt so seen and had so many of my own personal patterns laid out so succinctly. So many lines jumped out at me and I found myself shaking my head at how specific and correct they were. Losing myself in relationships, the switch flipping and swinging from one extreme to the other, feeling shame about one side or the other, feeling that my partners might describe me differently than my friends...so many moments in here that touched me deeply. You've helped me understand the importance of intentionally maintaining both sides, logical and emotional, as a daily practice in order to have a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me, with openness and vulnerability, and without shame.
Wow... I have never had anyone explain my style so clearly to me. This is why I have largely avoided relationships for the past twenty years. As inevitably the "monster" in me would come up (i.e. my needy side) and it would destroy the relationship and my self worth. Thank you Heidi.
I have CPTSD/complex trauma and have been participating in parts therapy. The idea that after trauma we split into multiple parts to protect ourselves, they often have a dominant fight/flight/freeze response to being triggered and pop up to protect me. But I've recently learnt that each part can have it's own attachment style. So I can fully relate to both the intellectual being shameful of the emotional side and the emotional side being shamed of not always being the nicest person. This idea of multiple parts/splitting is present with other trauma based conditions such as DiD, BPD etc. Thought I'd share as there were a lot of comments of people saying they lent both ways, when actually they could also be fragmented/have multiple parts that all have their own attachment style ❤
This is super eye opening- thank you. I realise that with my family, I adopt one identity which is more aloof. They perceive me as emotionless and closed off, because I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around them. With my friends, I am significantly more warm and open, perhaps even a little needy at times. I guess these are both 'me', but I struggle to integrate both parts and feel whole
Wow. I'd genuinely not clicked that suddenly having no feelings was an avoidant deactivation thing, I've always just assumed the relationship had run it's course. Really helpful video ❤
I am FA, but at this point I only choose emotionally unavailable partners (unconsciously) so only my anxious side is triggered in intimate relationships . My avoidant side is triggered in friendships though where there is no panic about them leaving or rejecting me. Anyone else experience this?
Wow! Quite the eye opener and well explained! I was in a relationship with what appeared to be a Fearful Avoidant, which eventually broke my heart and messed me up. What confused me the most was how she was so warm, emotional and crazy with me from the get go. I felt secure most of the time but whenever her avoidant, critical side appeared it triggered anxiety in me. When I was most disregulated and vulnerable she gave me the coldest shoulder ever and I couldn't believe it! 😢💔
You’re not alone @fedor! For me the hardest part was being so bewildered. It was painful to suddenly be treated like a stranger, but not understanding why was worse. This video really helped. Thank you Heidi! 💚
we might have dated the same person. She started out as anxious and then suddenly flipped to avoidant and it was suddenly all over and I was wondering what the hell just happened- she was so amazingly loving and all in and then was suddenly all out. It made my head spin completely off.
This is the clearest and most relatable explanation of a way I am that has caused me so much heartache over my entire adult life, something I could not for the life of me figure out. I had always found myself saying things like "I'm chaotic and hard to date because I can't predict how I go hot and cold, even when I've been in love..." and in recent years I've just avoided dating completely because it was exhausting feeling like a jekyll-and-hyde monster I'd never be able to stop being. Finding and binge-watching your Fearful-Avoidant videos got me a little giddy at the fact that I'm *finally* understanding what's going on with me when I try to get close to someone. It's going to be a lot of work but now I have at least a starting point for healing and growth. Thank you so much for these incredibly insightful videos.
for a long time i saw myself as a divided person. i seemed to go back and forth between being fearful/over-analytical and then at other times sad apathetic and lonely. i had to see that my fear was there because i was afraid of disappointing people, and the sadness was there because i wanted other people's love. i then realized that these were not actually two states because they both were trying to get the same thing, other people's love. after realizing that, i felt unified and calmer within myself. i saw that even though i have emotions like fear or sadness sometimes, this does not mean i am a divided person, it just means i am experiencing different emotions. the division was only a belief in my mind. before this i had been getting in touch with my sadness quite a bit as well and not running away from it, that may have played a part as well.
This video is worth 100 therapy sessions, you are spot on you’re shedding a light on blind spots that I never knew existed. Thanks Heidi, you’re helping me more than you think! X
I’m doing better than I thought I was. I’ll always be my own biggest critic. The explosive emotions was my problem. Once triggered it was hard to get back to the logic. But the logic made it hard to be willing to attach. The logical and calculating side is my dominant side. After growing up with an abusive stepfather, after being abandoned by my own father at 2 weeks old, showing emotions was constantly negatively reinforced. The logic took over. So did the anxiety and abandonment issues I didn’t recognize until my 30s. I finally feel like I’m in a place where I’ve found some balance. I’ve been working on myself actively for 15 years. It’s hard work. It’s always going to be work. But one day you realize just how far you’ve come, and it’s ok to be proud as fuck about it. You start wearing it like armor and you realize you can actually just be honest and sympathetic and deeply emotionally intimate with someone. I still get set off sometimes, but getting back to center is infinitely easier now than it ever was. I wish I had understood myself so much earlier in life, but I’m grateful to the TH-cams for having this sort of thing. Made figuring my head space out possible without spending a fortune. That only works if you can be genuinely critical of yourself, and see your own faults in a given situation. It gets better, and the more you work at it, the easier it gets. Keep at it folks, if you’re here, you’re already fighting the fight to improve yourself. We’re all proud of you.
As I’m watching, and taking notes. I’m realizing this is the plot to “Inside out” don’t suppress emotions. All emotions need to have the spotlight shined on them when necessary.
As I'm working on my self-discovery journey, I've noticed this thing with anxiety. It's like I've been hitting the snooze button on it during stressful times or just dodging it altogether. Now, I catch myself saying, "I'm not sure about anxiety." Trying to switch things up, I've figured out that talking about it could actually bring some connection, ease those fears, and maybe even team up with my rational side. It's a bit of a puzzle I'm piecing together in my daily grind. It gets confusing and overwhelming at times, but hey, that's the journey.
Im a FA who's been blessed to learn about attachment at the young age of 19/20. I've been in relationships where I was consciously aware of my attachment and actively tried to communicate, hold space, be intentional, etc but at the end of the day my partners were very controlling, emotionally abusive, and manipulative, etc. I tried to tell them about what I was going through/how we needed to integrate awareness of attachment in our relationship and they couldn't seem to understand the weight of how important attachment theory is or the emotional roller coaster/painful experience I was going through. Could you do a video on how to make potential partners aware of attachment and its importance while dating? I also think CPTSD/hypervigilance/people pleasing significantly affect how FAs experience relationships and would love to see a video on that. As a fearful avoidant who struggles w these as well growing up in a dysfunctional home with narcissistic abuse I often dont see myself in your descriptions of FA behavioral patterns even though I know for a fact Im an FA, and Im assuming ptsd/hypervigilance/etc are the reason why my experience is different.
You might like to read the book ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - in it there are lots of suggestions about how to navigate dating situations
9:25, yep. I find that my fearful-avoidant patterns over time went unaddressed, so I formed an emotional regulation disorder. - I can only suppose this for other personality disorders, but as one who is healing from a diagnosed personality disorder, I benefit learning about attachment patterns and self love! With support and effort I feel less anxious about living life, as I apply the information and practice it, I'm able to slowly let go of the old ineffective patterns. Personally I've wanted healthy behaviors and wanted to be dependable for myself, I just didn't know how...This channel is super helpful!
Once again, absolute GOLD Heidi! Thank you sooo much. I'd thought I was anxious for years and then I realised I was fearful avoidant leaning anxious.... But this video has made me see I actually lean avoidant and then get anxious once in relationship and try and repress that side... Instead of thinking amd believing I was very sensitive and overly emotional, I can now see I've actually been leaking this out, which is then misunderstood by those around me..! This has been so super helpful in helping me see how I need to integrate that side of me instead of neglecting it and self judging my emotional side. You've turned on its head how I see myself today! Thank you soo very much ❤🎉🙏
Thank you!!!!!!!! The feeling that something is inherently wrong with expressing emotions has definitely been a huge barrier for me. You have given me the tools to feel comfortable with expressing that side of myself. Many thanks!
I never took attachment styles seriously, thought it to be some sort of zodiac-like typology, but what you say rings so true and has so much sense! It's so scary to be "switched" into a cold-rational persona from your usual loving self, especially if you're in love, and you're, in a sense, defined by love because that is what is most important thing about you - but suddenly you get switched to "cold mode" and you begin to fear that you deceive yourself... It is so scary that it's hard to be aware of it at all, instead pushing it to the backyard of the mind... It is calming to know that this is not "true face", but "other part" of a person...
Heidi! How can you see into my soul?! Yes, I am a guy with an emotional monster inside living all dammed up waiting to burst out and deluge whole villages! I’m definitely FA leaning DA. I’m comfortable sans emotions and feeling quietly superior to other mere mortals. But then I fell for a DA. The monster emerged overwhelming him with declarations of deep affection. He ran for the hills (twice), which reinforces that I’m part monster. He’s the only one who triggers that side of me because he’s the only person I’ve ever really fallen for probably because he’s the only guy I know who is more dismissive than I am. And now I hurt every day (and weep every fourth day!) and want to be a true DA because they (seemingly) don’t feel pain. I’ve often thought that a release valve is needed, but the practicalities of installing such a device have so far eluded me. Thanks for your unique and apt videos. I’ve watched others’ videos, but somehow yours always hit the proverbial nail on the head every time. Thanks for your help!
You write like an author of literature! This comment is so relatable, ESPECIALLY the declarations of love part. I cringe about it almost every day. Sigh. I’ve never fallen like that before. I didn’t even know that I could fall like that before. I just did too much, and I feel embarrassed. I still miss him, and my heart still hurts, but I’ve just detached from the entire situation. I can’t bear to deal with the feelings of loss and heartbreak. It’s too hard. Too painful. I was too stupid. Too immature. Too desperate. I definitely lost myself in him, and the imaginary future I created with him. I needed the break from fantasy, desperately, but it came at a cost. You live and you learn, I guess. I wish you the best.
So well explained. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I've made so much progress in 12-step pgms - CODA, ACA - practicing humility, facing my shame, being accountable to myself without judgment. It's not a religious org.
I am so heartbroken since two weeks ago and I started watching your videos one day after I found out that the „man of my dreams“ is in an relationship. I am so desperately hurt and feel so deceived but listening to you keeps my head up or even can get me sleep when i cannot phantasy about him anymore. I am very greatful for your magnificent videos with the smiley voice that gives me hope to become a happy person one day (also in a relationship)
As a clinician I love your channel, It's More about the drama triangle than other channels don't mention. And the fact that. We can be fearful avoidant but leaning secure. We really have the opposite side in us wether we want to see it or not.
Hi Heidi, the most memorable point to me is that my anxious side needs air. Of course it will come out screaming and act out in an embarassing way after suffocating for so long under my logic. Every video of yours is an eye opener. Thank you so much for your insights and sharing your journey. ❤
I feel like I’ve just been exposed! Damn. I had been mostly in the fearful avoidant state, masking my anger and distaste, trying my hardest to remain good and helpful, almost selfless, when in reality I was really needy. I was recently triggered and the parts of myself I kept hidden from others poked its head and I couldn’t stand it. Now I feel a bit anxious avoidant and closed off from a feeling of defeat. Trying to stay in balance is, for me, like learning to walk all over again.
I literally choked on my coffee when it was said I lost myself in that. I can't tell you how many times I said that. And then when you talked about the box that needs to be open and left open about being emotional and vulnerable I started having shortness of breath over the thought of doing that. Just the thought! There's times I want to think I'm not a fearful avoidant that I might have made a mistake or something along those lines. And then I see a video one of your videos actually I can't deny it, it's like you're know my inside voice.
I have been building a relationship (or I thought I have been doing that) with someone who freaked out when I said that we have a special connection. He started ghosting me, ignoring my messages, becoming distant ... As if the word 'connection' made him scared to death. When I tried to discus that with him, he found that completely normal, and tried to put it all on me, for even mentioning it. It was completely impossible to talk with him because he would never take any responsibility for anything that transpired between us. When I left him, after trying to explain to him far too many times that I feel how my needs have not been met in the relationship, he said to me that he felt "swindled by how I handed the situation", again trying to put all the blame on me. I know that I have some issues too, but I have been willing to work on them, being fully aware of them, while he kept repeating in every single situation that he has never done anything wrong.
I'm just now realizing as I explore multiple of these videos, that because they specifically explore from a romantic-relationship place that I was missing acknowledging a point where I do the "I've lost myself" thing. Because I don't do it in romantic relationships, but I absolutely do it with masking at work. That's an eye opener. It also makes me consider how that's how I feel when I have to spend time with my family and it made me connect that I'm much more avoidant with my mom and much more anxious with my dad.
I always believe myself to be anxious, but this video made me realize I might have been fearful-avoidant all along, actually swinging between the extremes. I’ve actually been more avoidant before, but became deeply anxious when started getting into relationships.
Thanks so much for this. I'm fearful to be seen and felt because a part of me thinks people will make use of my vulnerabilities. Just now a guy on a bus hit on me with a kind gaze. An attachment gaze. I looked away cos I know I am blushing. I'm in my mid 40s already and yet I still chicken out and turned away, looking disinterested, when actually I felt scared and embarrassed. The guy seems like a nice chap. But I convinced myself to not engage, possibly to save myself from further embarrassment. Your suggestion of making deeper emotional connection with 5 friends is a good one. I find myself not having even one emotionally deep friendship.
I love this video because as an FA, I have recently started looking at IFS and parts therapy as a way to learn how to integrate these fragmented parts of myself, this is a step further into healing. Especially because FAs struggle so much with activation and deactivation, emotions swinging from end to end. The goal here is to minimize this and be more centred and grounded. I also think that once you learn how integrate, that's when CBT comes into play, you can now question your own thought and feelings, you can also learn how to practice mindfulness and learn to observe yourself more in the moment because you're not getting overwhelmed by your own emotional reactivity.
Balance has been key for me! These are great tips! I'm the FA, leaning anxious, I've mainly suppressed my avoidant side. But when it's popped up, it's left several people in my life very hurt and / or confused. I've always excused it after the fact as possible depression or burnout until learning about attachment. So, I started forcing myself not to be so available and attuned to others all the time. Before, I felt major guilt to take space and self-focus for a bit. Especially with a friend or partner who was more anxious.
My situationship was like this. Super clingy and and needy with constant communication daily and when we got closer with more emotional intimacy, he blamed his distance on depression and burnout from work. It triggered my abandonment issues due to his stonewalling. He still wanted me around but it felt like asking him to communicate or giving a few minutes time to me was like asking him touch lava. He ended up setting boundaries with me that shut me out with no availability in the near future. I think he had the same revelation as you but it gave me whiplash since he didn't communicate the changes in dynamic. Thanks for sharing this. It validated my situation.
Phew! I'm going to have to listen to this 3 more times. There were so many revelations to me about my past behavior and confusion and desperation that make a lot more sense now. I am on my way to healing and I couldn't do it without your wisdom. I definitely agree to the part about having a support group where it is safe to share your true feelings. I feel like that is the version of myself that I want to bring into every situation. There is MUCH left to be done. Thank you again for sharing on this channel!!
Woah, this was so mind opening for me 🤯 Especially the part about the other person bringing out a different side of me or "losing myself" in a relationship. I've literally said this before. Thank you so much.
Well just found out today I am a fearful avoidant so that’s fun😩. The positive is it explains a lot of my relationship patterns and knowledge is instrumental to change.
I have never taken pride for being able to be cold or distant, I take pride in my ability to be lethal. Shaping my life in seconds and taking wildly intertwined and yet completely opposite paths at once... But how much longer can I hold that flag over my head Keep my weapons raised My eyes locked My body snaps in truly terrifying ways under the pressure only for my focus to not be changed whatsoever. When do I become tired.... When do I fail... And when I do can I get back up? This video has taught me much and your eyes are kind to damaged souls. Please remember your mortality and take time for even your most "simple" human needs. Thank you for your words.
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭 I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰 I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
I’m so glad I found your fearful-avoidant videos. Neither Anxious or Avoidant really resonates with me…but these do. And I’ve noticed that as a FA I often tend to attract or be attracted to other FA in a sorta tribe sense. I’m…also dealing with the more I heal, the more I have to accept my emotions ARE “stronger” than others because of my adhd, and my reactions while finally finally healing some of this ARE going to seem…bizarre to explosive to others because of my cptsd + adhd. And remember how I tend to kinda…cluster with other FA? (Which is also why I think the conventional “it’s from Extreme caregiver abuse/neglect” is dead wrong; mine developed from extreme bullying and scapegoating at school + church with parent ill equipped to really give support vs disgust and punishment to my emotions.) Well…pretty sure I’m in love with another FA. I’ve had to deal with the shame of that, especially since. Despite being FINE only being friends (and in a lot of ways that’s preferable for me; and really all I can ever “expect” as someone asexual anyway so I’ve just done so years ago, it is what it is). I swear them sensing my attraction to them + their attraction to me just…sets them off. They were the first person to see me disregulated AND accept me, anyway; and very quickly pick up on my emotional and physical hurt and either soothe or show compassion for it faster than anyone else I’ve ever known in-person; and they looked pleased when they could make me laugh so hard I could forget to feel shame about it. But…either that stupid attraction, or…maybe they do believe I’m really only trying to build the foundations for a secure friendship here. But one or either just. Has them osolating between a Fear of that kind of connection and a Fear I’ll leave. …and while I’ll keep fighting to try and make the environment we’re in safe. I just don’t have the stamina anymore to deal with wanting a Friendship vs Casual Aquaintanceship being treated like I’m “demanding too much” anymore. …if they really are attached to me…it’s their turn now. I just hope that doesn’t cause further damage but this dysfunction is harmful to me.
Wooow. That analysis on the being fearful of the other attatchment style goes deeep. That was again one of those, “damn i’ve improved my vocabulary” moments. As someone who is anxious fearful avoidant, im often afraid i become distant. Wonderful! Happy to learn this at 23
Oof 😖. This explains quite a bit of what happened in my last relationship. It’s comforting to know that at least what I’ve been experiencing isn’t unique. Thank you - your videos have been helping me immensely. 🙏🏼
I feel like I need to rewatch this a few times, I am just learning about my attachment style and didn’t realize I was FA for so long.. this video has great explanations! Thank you for covering this topic in a way that is reaching so many.
It seems the key is full self acceptance, of being ok with the angrier parts of the inner child but being a good parent to that inner child and setting appropriate boundaries. Would it be appropriate to tell ones partner "I feel a strong urge to erupt and say things that will really hurt you. Would you like to hear about my feelings now?"
I find it helps both me and my partner if I say what is going on in my innrer being. So I say I feel shut down right now or like I'm going to explode. It sort of makes the emotions less volatile so they diffuse when I can objectively describe them rather than getting swept up in them. It helps my partner understand me better and also know that it's not about them.
23:50 if you're interested in doing a video about some explicit examples of what emotional intimacy can look like on i'd be super interested. i've been trying to grasp it these past few months but it's always a fog if i want to concretely conceptualize what that looks like. i get a lot of feedback from people missing something "deeper" from me and it seems i still need help to understand what deeper entails sadly !!
I have been researching attachment and working to understand my issues for like 15 years, but this is my first time recognizing how to mend my two polarities. Thank you for this.
I wish I had found this work ealier! I used to tell my partners about my mad PMT which was bad, but now I realise I am a fearful avoidant as well!! Thank you Heidi.
This video series on fearful avoidant patterns is so so helpful to me. For the longest time I would pride myself on my inability to cry, and I would be confused as to why people would be worried about me when I bragged about it. Didn’t this prove I was emotionally tough and well rounded?? I also have a strong social mask that I need to drop. I am in the early beginnings of healing my attachment and these videos are a blessing when my therapy appointments are far between. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us Heidi.
There’s a pattern in my relationships of being liked initially and in large part for my confidence, and subsequently being rejected when I eventually show *gasp* INSECURITIES. 👻👻👻 This video makes that make sense………..ugh
omg thank you so much for this. I'm fearful avoidant but tbh I was having a hard time figuring out if I leaned more avoidant or anxious...your video confirmed for me I'm anxious as a default & avoidant when triggered 😅 I've had a bunch of relationships with avoidant ppl that lasted a long time but lately I've gotten sick of them not treating me well so I've finally started to cut some of them off...sometimes by ghosting & going full avoidant on them. I think what I did was for the best but it worries me how this cycle keeps repeating 😔 this video is definitely helping 💞 thank you so much!!
Fantastic video Heidi, really loved the in depth information. In the past I identified as Fearful Avoidant as well, the thing is that I have always been very 50/50, and for me the part about integration was integrating all of my shadow. I was able to see myself as a logical, organised, calm and independent person, but also someone who is empathetic, kind and giving. I just had a problem of accepting the darker sides of each of them. I actually don’t think every FA has a main style, I think when having a very chaotic and unsafe childhood a person can go into any strategy at any time, and that is what I experienced as well. So for me at the time it meant integrating both, both mostly integrating and accepting my “shadow” parts. Embracing being more vulnerable and actually leaning on others and at the same time setting boundaries in the relationship and taking myself into consideration. I love the Personal Development School’s videos for this
Interesting point about FAs not necessarily having a dominant strategy, and this being a product of a chaotic upbringing and the deployment of any strategy that could work 🤔. I think I have the FA attachment style but I can’t really identify the childhood experiences that would lead to this. I speculate that a less chaotic experience may lead to less chaotic functioning. But then I can also totally identify with this idea that some relationships trigger a big swing to the opposite mode
I have good reason to believe I am FA. I have a terrible problem, though, that I did not see mentioned here. I have been with various people with different attachment styles over the years, LTR, marriage, short-term, cohabitation, even FWB! And the same thing happens no matter who the other person is. I think I self-sabotage without trying. I will swing between the extremes like you said. Imagine the anxious emotional side combining with the cerebral analytical part all at once when it feels my needs are not being met *in an exact timeline* by the other person. It is incredibly obsessively emotionally fraught but combined with analytical detachment all at once. It takes the person and picks them to death trying to find the fatal flaw in the relationship. I am also devastated because I have the self-awareness I am doing this and do not WANT to because it will stop at nothing to destroy an interaction. For a long time, I blamed the other person for not providing me what I wanted. It was unreasonable. Then I realized I was doing this to myself. I started getting better at it as I got older. Refining my methods. I started not just destroying my relationships prematurely, but also wrecking promising attachments. It was only when I started doing it to people I barely knew and jumping to conclusions thst turned out to be incorrect that I realized it was me. But once that part of your brain hits its limit and decides it has to leave, it flips a switch and kills your feelings for the person overnight. It doesn't matter if I knew them for years or weeks, iI just shut down (against my own desires and will). I suddenly become emotionally deadened to the person I am attached to. I used to try to fix this but the more I tried, the worse it got. I would be devastated because I still wanted to be with that person. Dozens of therapists and trial meds later, there was never a solution found except for me to be alone. I consciously choose to stay alone because there doesn't seem to be a point in putting myself through this endlessly and dragging another person with me. If I feel attraction towards someone I tend to keep it superficial now or avoid them altogether. Once I get past feelings of being broken, I settle comfortably back into being alone. I wish I wasn't this way. There are so many people I genuinely was bonded to and attracted to and I never had one moment of relational happiness because I spent it searching for the fatal flaw. Has this happened to anyone else? I am beginning to think I'm brain-damaged (got a TBI when younger) and so maybe I can't love, in addition to the FA.
I connect to this deeply. And I’m sorry this war is going on within you… it is worse that it’s something which feels out of your control. It just seems to happen… I hope you can heal and move into a healthy relationship for yourself. I practiced with friends and was able to move light years ahead. Of course, it’s still a journey and will probably always be one, but now I feel as though I can have a healthy relationship that is not rooted in fear.
@@graceintheplace13 Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you suffered similarly. I do not have the same issues with family and friends, though my friendships are more superficial. It is only relationships that go deeper where it seems to surface. I am grateful for the few bonds I have in my life that this does not affect. I hope you can continue to heal as well.
This problem is what I was hoping to solve in the video. It is genuinely heartbreaking to be so full of love all while knowing it can be completely swept away with one instance. I want to be soft and love with my entire being, but silently I know that it’s only a matter of time before the most important person to me in the moment becomes nothing to me in the next. I worked very hard to become the happy, accepting person I am today and this particular issue just makes me feel like I’m still so broken somehow and I don’t know how to fix it. Even if I wanted to try and scrounge up the feelings I had for someone, it doesn’t work because then I’m forcing myself and it only has the opposite effect and I just become even more distant. I’m horribly sorry that you are going through the same and while I know it’s no consolation, I hope you know you’re not alone ❤️ I genuinely hope you find a solution one day and can finally rest.
@Sidera17 Have you examined childhood traumas that caused you to be this way? If you can identify the kinds of dysfunctional relationships you had with parents/caregivers it might give you some insights. Insecure attachment types tend to be attracted to people who ring the dysfunctional bells for them, as in they recreate the relationship dynamic that you grew up thinking was normal but is in fact unhealthy for you. Your early adaptive coping mechanisms resonate because the romantic interest's behavior confirms (subconsciously) your skewed view of what love is. Put another way, stable and secure people probably seem boring to you. [Speaking as an FA myself, so no judgment here.]
@@dvpress4854 Absolutely. You're 100% right about this. I did not have a "traumatic" childhood, but I did suffer emotional wounding and I never thought to identify or look into it until WELL into my 30s as a contributor of my dysfunction. I've spent the past few years really figuring out what that is and understanding how it impacts my relational behavior (and it also helped me solve familial wounds). The bigger problem I now deal with is that one of these bad relationships caused me to end up in a 6 year situation that turned into domestic entrapment, and so I have severe somatic PTSD type symptoms I need to regulate before entering another relationship. Having attachment issues from childhood feels so different than having active PTSD, but the PTSD was from a relationship. I think the PTSD is severe enough everyone notices but people without huge trauma in adult life who just have childhood attachment issues can overlook them easier, I think, and they don't think to go to therapy.
I’ve been in therapy for years and I went deeper into attachment theory several months ago but this is the most eye-opening thing I have heard in a while. You put it so eloquently that I’ve just had a bit of a eureka moment. Thank you so much! And of course I had to subscribe, looking forward to your other videos.
Thank you so much for this video ❤🎉 I've done both sides and am currently trying exactly how to use them at the same time. I feel more relaxed and safer in my avoidant side, but I'm much better connected to my feelings now, so I flip-flop less. The avoidant side definitely protected my vulnerability.
Heidi, you are an absolute genius. I love your style of presenting this information. Such a wealth of information, presented in the most compassionate, clear and powerful ways. These videos are reorganizing me from the inside out. You're so badass!
Yep. Sounds like me. With my ex I was so emotionally engaged and passionate. We didn’t work out. With my relationship now I’ve tried to stay more logical, but the longer we stay together he sees more of my emotional side. At work I try to put on a front. Logic and less emotion. But then sometimes once I leave work it’s like all my emotions break loose and I have trouble regulating. I guess I’ve been surpressing too much.
I’m ready to take steps to acknowledge, understand, and integrate my responsibility to be more present. And not by blaming myself with hundreds of different narratives that absorb my life and energy.
“Negative emotional activation and withdraw” is something i’ve seen with fearful avoidance. I lean dismissive avoidant and for us i think we avoid more so with a wall or keeping people arms length while fearful avoidants get a doubt or pressure and they feed into their panic and withdraw. One guys did that when i started questioning why he is never available when i ask, and only when he asks to hang out. A second was also fine until i asked about for once spending the night. Both back out shortly after these conversations.
Oh, God! The more I dive into this, the more difficult it gets. I don`t even get myself... I now understand why it`s easier NOT to work on your trauma... because you already have built a persona that works for you(actually NOT REALLY, but you know... you mastered handling IT, so u know whats about and what to expect, even though it may ruin your life), when on the other hand, working through your wounds and all that stuff, it`s confusing, painful, requires A LOT of intentional work, every single day. But then it`s the other side of the coin as well, that once you opened the Pandoras box on trauma, you can`t really close it back. Oh, MAN! Good luck to you all and loooots of hugs and love, i am sure you need it, `cause I do!
I think I have both actually. I see myself as emotional AND analytical since I was a kid. Sometimes I feel weird when they're going into extremes. About 6 months ago I went into dismissive side even though I was on the anxious side of the spectrum probably for the most part of my life. Like I discovered that intellectual side of myself that was always there, but was natural and I didn't give it too much attention. I always thought that I'm great with emotions and now I come to realize how much I repress them. I was often very emotional, angry and it was coming out very impulsively, also in friendships, so I actually wanted to get rid of the part that was more connected to my identity. Now I'm calmer but also more "dead inside" and yes, when you started speaking, my thought was: "How on earth one could use both at the same time?". But I was always prone both to martyr syndrome and to isolate myself, overanalyze, also when I'm single. It's just that relationships bring more chaos and more emotional eruptions if I'm already neglecting my own emotions. They poke at the triggers. I don't like each side coming out. I think at this point in my therapeutic process I use both, but it still can be tricky to do that at the same time, because it's the unknown language.
I love your channel and how much it has helped me to understand concepts that have seemed foreign otherwise. Thank you for speaking so plainly and in such a straightforward manner. It makes it easy to grasp so much about my life that has felt like a great mystery.
Woooow. This blew my mind. I flip between the two very fast, both in response to the other because both are so uncomfortable. No wonder I feel anxiety! This is really valuable information for me. Thank you!❤
This entire video is reading me to filth. Translation: I relate to the things discussed in this video very much. Thank you for putting these things to light :)
I have always realized how I processed things in my relationships, just didn't realize there was term for my "richochet" overthinking brain! Thanks again for your breakdowns on attachment styles!
I have a pattern of feeling VERY deeply with my heart, yet making major life decisions with my head. Being an FA is both a blessing (the beautiful parts) and a curse (the jacked up parts). How wonderful it will be to heal and become more secure, maintaining the beautiful parts, and stripping the ugly parts. Reframe your thinking. Have hope. Do the work. We WILL be ok if we retrain our subconscious through images and emotions (Thais). 1% every day, y’all! 🤗
I have always had such a hard time figuring out which way I lean. I used to think it was more anxious, but then I felt like I shifted to more avoidant. As you described each, I felt like I’ve always identified with both. Then when you brought up how it relates to what worked for you in childhood, it finally all made sense! One strategy worked best with my mom, and the other worked best with my dad! So while it might not be exactly 50/50, I think whichever way I lean, I’m not leaning very far. No wonder it’s been so difficult to determine! I should also add, I notice that which way I lean tends to depend a lot on who I am dating at the time. If they’re more avoidant, I’m more anxious. If they’re more anxious, I’m more avoidant. Or my personal favorite exes… other fearful avoidants who always kept me guessing and could bring out either side of my insecure attachment at any moment! My nervous system loves that chaos. 😬
Wow..."the end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." I'm a therapist and that blew my mind.
In what ways are you a different person in different settings?
Sounds logical and basic, how did I over look the work it would take to change for 30 years. Kind of knew this but nothing ever changed bc of the lack of knowledge the work was essential. Thank you so much for this - I believe it will change people’s lives for sure if they dedicate the time into making the honest changes ❤😊
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊p😊😊
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go."
Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭
I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰
I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
@@patriot-hj5vx it’s like being a social chameleon- depending who’s around, how they’re feeling, what they like, the overall vibe, etc- you morph into a version of yourself that is “acceptable” to that person or people around. While there could be aspects of an authentic self, there’s still a different mask that’s put on that ensures that there’s some degree of social harmony, however, you end up hiding and concealing parts of the self that actually create intimate connection, because it’s the vulnerability that forms depth in a relationship. So the chameleon may work to please people, but it results in superficial relationships and a deep unfulfilled desire to be known and belong as our true self.
Hmmm, really interesting. I feel like I have huge issues in both directions of this spectrum, because I tend to come off as BOTH intellectual/analytical/hyper-independent AND overly giving/selfless/doormat-ish in my daily life. The thought of coming off as either needy OR selfish makes me break out in hives. I'm sure I must not be the only fearful avoidant who experiences this sort of paradoxical identity simultaneously.
I am the same, there's no in between for me
Yaas! ⚖️
Yep, same. And I literally feel like throwing up at the thought of being needy or too emotionally cold
Same
Samesies
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter- they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
― Sylvia Plath
Thank you for sharing this.
Heidi, I hope you're reading this.
I've spent two decades wondering what was wrong with me. I've already spent years learning all about self help and meditation, etc. But it was your channel which finally gave me my answers. Within only about 4 months now I've managed to finally open up to people and proudly present myself as the helpless, vulnerable mess that I am. And not a single person of the 1-2 dozen people I talked to did not show support and understanding. You've finally made me able to see the world as a kind place. I even managed to make up with my family and get an understanding from them that I never thought was possible. Thank you so much for everything
That is so true. Learning about Attachment Style Theory taught me so much about my insecure attachment. I told the woman I had loved secretly for 5 years about my feelings for her, looked her in the eye and said the most beautiful/ dreadful three words. Can't forget the sound of her breathing when I said that, as if I had emptied a bucket of cold water on her head. I felt so light. In our previous meeting I had told her how I felt it hard to breathe in her absence. I told her that I was insecure. It was like a huge, long white snake-like monster that had lived in me all my life, I pushed it out in one moment. That was last year. The woman is fearful avoidant so it is all on and off but I have no regrets. I have done my best without making use of "the game". Such a beautiful thing happened and with the right person it could have been so amazing.
That must be nice lol
I’m so happy that you were able to see yourself more clearly. And I promise you, you’re not a mess! I also found that learning about attachment styles last year had a similar effect on me. I was using a fearful avoidant coping mechanism and understanding that was earth shattering in the best possible way. While I wish I had discovered it before I was 53. I’m glad I figured it out at all because my life is getting better by the day. And now I understand why relationships were so confusing to me!
I think in my relationship (romantic) I come off more avoidant but in my head I am incredibly anxious. In confrontation I feel like both sides are battling eachother and in turn I become SILENT. My brain is doing a million things and nothing at the same time. It takes me forever to create and say a thought and I always end up getting emotional, something i really hate. In friendships, I am very avoidant and emotionally detached. I care and want to be there for them but never give them the opportunity to do the same for me. In turn I dont have the deep connections with my friends that I desire and have very very few friends.
This has been a lifelong struggle and i have always felt like a walking contradiction and recently it has really taken a toll on my self image and mental health. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for breaking this down for me and giving me hope that I can break this cycle for myself
You described me to a T.😢
I can completely relate with 'my brain is doing a million things, and nothing at the same time.'
Holy shit, how did you describe me so accurately
Perfectly said… this is exactly how I feel
I so relate to this!
Wow your ability to articulate this human experience is insane
Holy shit. I’m realizing I lean avoidant, but am triggered into that heightened state when in a relationship. I never understood the drastic flip in my behavior when I got into a relationship. I stayed single because I hated the way I was when I would date. I was “never myself”
FR
nicely put
can relate
I relate to this so much.
Same!!
well this actually cleared up which way I lean. I did the exact same for most of my young adulthood. I hated how needy I was and I hated how preoccupied I became about crushes. My instinct was to be mean and push them away. And honestly, the partner I chose is one where I am the one managing his emotions and suppressing my own (and of course, resenting him for it). When I get triggered, I feel neglected and like I will never be able to truly connect with him, but then that makes me want to run away again.
The fact that this is a longer video than the other 2 attachment styles 😆, what fun it is to be a fearful avoidant 🤪🤪
It's the absolute bee's knees. 🥴
Yesss so much fun😛🤕😬
technically shouldn't it be double? ;)
‼️🙃🫠
@@JeremyForTheWin😂 that is so shit funny!
You are so good at explaining attachment styles, in a non judgmental way.
I don’t even know. I feel anxious, but act avoidant. It’s so hard to take the mask off. The anxiety while being in a relationship is always growing til it bursts into major drama and extreme pain. Speaking openly about emotions feels so frightening, but I’m trying. Thanks for your content! It helps a lot 🫶
Hi! Have you read about disorganized attachment? Reading about it has helped me.
This is exactly how I feel !!! I’m extremely anxious but you would never be able to tell. It comes off as an extreme avoidant. Is that what being disorganized means?
me 100%. externally i will come off avoidant but on the inside, i feel like a full flown true anxious attacher. when i sense a pull back, ill come closer just 1 more time, then once i sense rejection i am gone- but internally all i want to do is reach out as much as someone anxiously will.
@@Sariimura whats the difference between disorganised and fear-avoidant. seems to me they both seek closeness but act aloof as a way of self-protection?
@@_ZiXin_ Good question! I am no expert, but I believe those two concepts to be referring to the same attachment style (one in reference to childhood, the latter to adulthood). I might be wrong, but my understanding is that the term Disorganized Attachment is often used for children and in adulthood it can lead to the adult having Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. From the literature we can extract that people with this kind of insecure attachment display contradictory behaviors and tend to feel they don't deserve love or closeness in a relationship. On a side note, this is different from Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment style.
I am so shocked at how detailed you are about the thought process. This entire time I thought I was anxious but it did not sit well with me because I can be cold and avoidant at times too. It's like you said... the moment my anxious side gets triggered, I am hyper aware of how embarrassing it is and how it makes me feel, that I am losing myself. I also avoid confrontation because I feel personally attacked and I will shut down and avoid you for weeks yet I desperately want to talk. I feel trapped in my mind because I am super aware of myself and don't want to come off being toxic. It's like I want to talk about feelings and emotions but I also don't want to talk about feelings and emotions. What is wrong with me?😭
Also, i have a tendency of asking my partner if I'm being too needy or clingy, just to check if I'm still good. Gotta supress that lil psycho😂
I completely understand and relate to you. I am the same Im afriad of relying on people too much with talking about my feelings ir problems so i just usually dont. but everything I took from this video is its all steps, being a little vulnerable or emotional and open to people you trust everyday will go such a long day and your emotions and that clingyness wont be like all or nothing just more consistent ig and healthy, i hoped this helped. i just related to what you said and wanted to say what things I realized about myself and steps I am now taking, regardless I wish you luck on your journey to understanding yourself better 🫶🤍
The term "Secure" attachment for me sound like they're perfect, they can do no harm. Knowing that securely attached people have imperfections makes me feel good about myself.
Just an fyi - I classify as secure and certainly have more imperfections than I'd care to admit. That said, it's more about how I live with myself and others on a day to day basis that defines my security I suppose. Sure, I've had periods of anxiousness, and needing to pull away - but these emotions are not so strong as to dictate my response. I'm just comfortable taking the space I need shamelessly. I hope everyone here gets to that point in their existence.
This is so me to a tee. I pride myself on being super rational outside of relationships and a huge fear of people seeing me as unstable. The moment I get into a romantic relationships I become super anxious and reactive and go into a shame spiral of there is something wrong with me. It is super dysregulating and confusing. I always thought of myself as more anxious but after hearing this video I realize I am actually more avoidant in life but my anxious side becomes activated in relationships. So insightful thank you❤❤
I'm exactly like this too but I never really realised
This sounds a lot like me: after the honeymoon phase fades, I start considering myself "Not Enough" for my partner and start my own shame spiral. So I become avoidant for fear of becoming too clingy or needing support (being a guy, I have it on my head - valid or not - that women don't want to be with a man who might need emotional support), and wind up creating too much distance.
I mean, I know, ultimately, that I need my OWN approval. To ingrain in myself that I'm enough to MYSELF. But that kinda leads me down an avoidant path of counter-dependence, and I don't want that for myself or my partner. :/
And I think I've recently gained an avoidance to romantic relationships in general. I'm tired of my own cycles, yes. But I'm even more fearful of hurting people I love. :(
@@christianyaerger1751 i felt this SO SO much! Feels good to not feel alone and crazy. Letting our Egos go is gonna be HARD but breaking the cycle i think will be worth it
yeah!!!
i’m avoidant in friendships but anxious in romantic relationships… i wonder how that works
That’s so true; I went into this video thinking I leaned avoidant but now I see it’s the avoidance I take as the problematic part of me that comes out in relationships and that I naturally lead with the anxious part of me, tending to over-romanticize and get a little lost in my rose-tinted view of it all.
My biggest concern is that i can't really stop romanticizing dysfunction. as stupid as it may sound but i often feel kinda "unique" being this way. it's almost like finding my identity in this chaos. Also it helps me being more creative. I only feel like creating art and appreciate art when i am struggling. but i can't deny the fact that this constant push-and-pull, paranoia, overthinking is hella draining. It requires a lot of bravery to let go of all of this.
In the end you're more creative if you're healthy
@@djhardcorehengst6356 proof?
I definitely feel more creative when I am feeling more balanced. When I am in activating mode I feel strongly like I WANT to create but the ideas just don't come and I get frustrated or whatever I do its not good enough in my mind. When I'm more balanced I can get into something easily and it's more about the process than the end result, but I'm often more accepting of and pleased with the end result when I feel more balanced.
For me it's the polar opposite. Dysfunctional relationships bring chaos to my life. It results in repressed pain, grief, then hopelessness and finally I'm back to depression. Unable to do anything, powerless, let alone anything creative. While I grow older I crave stability more and more and that kind of relationship mess is only less appealing to me. I'm quicker to call it off than I was ever before, I believe.
I feel the same way, I fear that healing will make me an evil, cold, uncaring person and I'll become like all the people who hurt me and I won't be able to relate to people like us, It scares me because I don't know if I can really believe people are trustworthy or are not trying to manipulate or put up a facade in this day and age.
you called me out on feeling like i "lost myself." my anxious side coming out screaming was an utterly humiliating and defeating experience for me. since then, i feel like i'm a guilty dog sulking away with my tail between my legs, confused about who i am lol.
"learning to be the same person everywhere you go" is such a solid goal. you made my current drama make so much sense to me in just 29 minutes.
also, loved the rule about having five friends you have emotional connections with, it's a great idea.
It's certainly an idea but 5 serious friends is an extremely tall order ngl
I used to congratulate myself on being a chameleon. Took me to about 45 to realise, hang on, that's *not* a good thing. I'm 52 now. I have made a lot of progress in the last 5 years, it's easy for me to be a consistent version of myself no matter who I'm with now, although, other people can 'welcome' a side of you and you relax into it, but I feel it's always authentic now. I am so in awe of younger people who figure all of this stuff out in their 20s and 30s.
Yeah! I'm 44 and literally with this video, just realized this is my attachment style! I had no idea. I thought I had a secure, possibly anxious one. This video makes so much sense to me. It's embarrassing. I wish I knew 20 years ago.
You have to remember that folks who grow up since the internet, have a LOT more resources way younger. Also social media pressure driving insane insecurities. But. A lot more information about all this.
I read this line from somewhere and I think it perfectly sums up the dichotomoy of my experience as an avoidant-leaning FA. Something along the lines of "One of our greatest fears, but is also our deepest desire, is to be seen and known for who we truly are"
When you said you need at least 5 friends, you are close with. I was like, " I don't have any close friends. How do you get 5. " I think I have been avoidant most of my life. I'm close to my daughter and my husband. I can see as I am getting older , I don't have many memories at all of other people. It is something I regret.
There’s still time to make friends and create memories with new people. Don’t lose hope yet. 💓
Same for me I have zero friends & my husband doesn't like me
This describes my girlfriend EXACTLY. The disconnection of avoidance is very painful.
I feel caught red-handed, called-out, persecuted in a nice way and that how much 3,5 years of therapy helped.
This comes as a huge shock to me --- so SPOT ON. I felt I completely lost myself in my last relationship bc I was constantly leaning toward the anxious attachment style, which did not come out at all before. I was so confused while at the same time deeply ashamed of being needy and emotional to a level that I could not regulate myself. While after I started to learn about anxious attachment style and thought that was the whole me, it wasn't. I sometimes still feel uncomfortable with intimacy with someone I like and want to escape. It's like the constant two sides are running inside my body.
Wow. You have just described every relationship I’ve ever had. Especially thinking others aren’t right for me because they’ve triggered certain parts of me I don’t see as ‘me’.
This will probably get lost in all the other comments but I just want to thank you for making this video. I've never felt so seen and had so many of my own personal patterns laid out so succinctly. So many lines jumped out at me and I found myself shaking my head at how specific and correct they were. Losing myself in relationships, the switch flipping and swinging from one extreme to the other, feeling shame about one side or the other, feeling that my partners might describe me differently than my friends...so many moments in here that touched me deeply. You've helped me understand the importance of intentionally maintaining both sides, logical and emotional, as a daily practice in order to have a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me, with openness and vulnerability, and without shame.
😊😊
Wow... I have never had anyone explain my style so clearly to me. This is why I have largely avoided relationships for the past twenty years. As inevitably the "monster" in me would come up (i.e. my needy side) and it would destroy the relationship and my self worth. Thank you Heidi.
I have CPTSD/complex trauma and have been participating in parts therapy. The idea that after trauma we split into multiple parts to protect ourselves, they often have a dominant fight/flight/freeze response to being triggered and pop up to protect me. But I've recently learnt that each part can have it's own attachment style. So I can fully relate to both the intellectual being shameful of the emotional side and the emotional side being shamed of not always being the nicest person. This idea of multiple parts/splitting is present with other trauma based conditions such as DiD, BPD etc. Thought I'd share as there were a lot of comments of people saying they lent both ways, when actually they could also be fragmented/have multiple parts that all have their own attachment style ❤
This is super eye opening- thank you. I realise that with my family, I adopt one identity which is more aloof. They perceive me as emotionless and closed off, because I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable around them. With my friends, I am significantly more warm and open, perhaps even a little needy at times. I guess these are both 'me', but I struggle to integrate both parts and feel whole
Wow. I'd genuinely not clicked that suddenly having no feelings was an avoidant deactivation thing, I've always just assumed the relationship had run it's course. Really helpful video ❤
I am FA, but at this point I only choose emotionally unavailable partners (unconsciously) so only my anxious side is triggered in intimate relationships . My avoidant side is triggered in friendships though where there is no panic about them leaving or rejecting me. Anyone else experience this?
That's so me. I even though I was anxious but I was confused when I acted avoidant in other aspects of my life
💯 percent me!
I have FA but am anxious too. My long term relationship triggers the FA but prior I was always anxious. I have ptsd/bpd too.
This is me 😩😂
Yep this is me too
Wow! Quite the eye opener and well explained! I was in a relationship with what appeared to be a Fearful Avoidant, which eventually broke my heart and messed me up. What confused me the most was how she was so warm, emotional and crazy with me from the get go. I felt secure most of the time but whenever her avoidant, critical side appeared it triggered anxiety in me. When I was most disregulated and vulnerable she gave me the coldest shoulder ever and I couldn't believe it! 😢💔
You’re not alone @fedor! For me the hardest part was being so bewildered. It was painful to suddenly be treated like a stranger, but not understanding why was worse. This video really helped. Thank you Heidi! 💚
we might have dated the same person. She started out as anxious and then suddenly flipped to avoidant and it was suddenly all over and I was wondering what the hell just happened- she was so amazingly loving and all in and then was suddenly all out. It made my head spin completely off.
This is the clearest and most relatable explanation of a way I am that has caused me so much heartache over my entire adult life, something I could not for the life of me figure out. I had always found myself saying things like "I'm chaotic and hard to date because I can't predict how I go hot and cold, even when I've been in love..." and in recent years I've just avoided dating completely because it was exhausting feeling like a jekyll-and-hyde monster I'd never be able to stop being. Finding and binge-watching your Fearful-Avoidant videos got me a little giddy at the fact that I'm *finally* understanding what's going on with me when I try to get close to someone. It's going to be a lot of work but now I have at least a starting point for healing and growth. Thank you so much for these incredibly insightful videos.
for a long time i saw myself as a divided person. i seemed to go back and forth between being fearful/over-analytical and then at other times sad apathetic and lonely. i had to see that my fear was there because i was afraid of disappointing people, and the sadness was there because i wanted other people's love. i then realized that these were not actually two states because they both were trying to get the same thing, other people's love. after realizing that, i felt unified and calmer within myself. i saw that even though i have emotions like fear or sadness sometimes, this does not mean i am a divided person, it just means i am experiencing different emotions. the division was only a belief in my mind. before this i had been getting in touch with my sadness quite a bit as well and not running away from it, that may have played a part as well.
Beautiful
This video is worth 100 therapy sessions, you are spot on you’re shedding a light on blind spots that I never knew existed. Thanks Heidi, you’re helping me more than you think! X
I know ... i felt like i was ripping her off when i only donated $50... Heidi, make a course so we can pay u properly lol 😅
Woah! This is my attachment style. I lean more anxious when I am smitten. I lean more avoidant when I am not sold on whether someone is right for me .
that sounds normal tbh. with a fearful avoidant, the more intimacy builds the more your avoidance is triggered.
I’m doing better than I thought I was. I’ll always be my own biggest critic. The explosive emotions was my problem. Once triggered it was hard to get back to the logic. But the logic made it hard to be willing to attach. The logical and calculating side is my dominant side. After growing up with an abusive stepfather, after being abandoned by my own father at 2 weeks old, showing emotions was constantly negatively reinforced. The logic took over. So did the anxiety and abandonment issues I didn’t recognize until my 30s. I finally feel like I’m in a place where I’ve found some balance. I’ve been working on myself actively for 15 years. It’s hard work. It’s always going to be work. But one day you realize just how far you’ve come, and it’s ok to be proud as fuck about it. You start wearing it like armor and you realize you can actually just be honest and sympathetic and deeply emotionally intimate with someone. I still get set off sometimes, but getting back to center is infinitely easier now than it ever was. I wish I had understood myself so much earlier in life, but I’m grateful to the TH-cams for having this sort of thing. Made figuring my head space out possible without spending a fortune. That only works if you can be genuinely critical of yourself, and see your own faults in a given situation. It gets better, and the more you work at it, the easier it gets. Keep at it folks, if you’re here, you’re already fighting the fight to improve yourself. We’re all proud of you.
As I’m watching, and taking notes. I’m realizing this is the plot to “Inside out” don’t suppress emotions. All emotions need to have the spotlight shined on them when necessary.
As I'm working on my self-discovery journey, I've noticed this thing with anxiety. It's like I've been hitting the snooze button on it during stressful times or just dodging it altogether. Now, I catch myself saying, "I'm not sure about anxiety."
Trying to switch things up, I've figured out that talking about it could actually bring some connection, ease those fears, and maybe even team up with my rational side. It's a bit of a puzzle I'm piecing together in my daily grind. It gets confusing and overwhelming at times, but hey, that's the journey.
Im a FA who's been blessed to learn about attachment at the young age of 19/20. I've been in relationships where I was consciously aware of my attachment and actively tried to communicate, hold space, be intentional, etc but at the end of the day my partners were very controlling, emotionally abusive, and manipulative, etc. I tried to tell them about what I was going through/how we needed to integrate awareness of attachment in our relationship and they couldn't seem to understand the weight of how important attachment theory is or the emotional roller coaster/painful experience I was going through.
Could you do a video on how to make potential partners aware of attachment and its importance while dating?
I also think CPTSD/hypervigilance/people pleasing significantly affect how FAs experience relationships and would love to see a video on that. As a fearful avoidant who struggles w these as well growing up in a dysfunctional home with narcissistic abuse I often dont see myself in your descriptions of FA behavioral patterns even though I know for a fact Im an FA, and Im assuming ptsd/hypervigilance/etc are the reason why my experience is different.
You might like to read the book ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - in it there are lots of suggestions about how to navigate dating situations
i believe a good partner would be open to trying to understand what you think is important with no hesitation!
thank you ☺@@ProtectedAndHappy
9:25, yep. I find that my fearful-avoidant patterns over time went unaddressed, so I formed an emotional regulation disorder.
- I can only suppose this for other personality disorders, but as one who is healing from a diagnosed personality disorder, I benefit learning about attachment patterns and self love! With support and effort I feel less anxious about living life, as I apply the information and practice it, I'm able to slowly let go of the old ineffective patterns. Personally I've wanted healthy behaviors and wanted to be dependable for myself, I just didn't know how...This channel is super helpful!
Never in my life have I seen a person so intelligent, expressive, and transparent.
Once again, absolute GOLD Heidi! Thank you sooo much. I'd thought I was anxious for years and then I realised I was fearful avoidant leaning anxious.... But this video has made me see I actually lean avoidant and then get anxious once in relationship and try and repress that side... Instead of thinking amd believing I was very sensitive and overly emotional, I can now see I've actually been leaking this out, which is then misunderstood by those around me..! This has been so super helpful in helping me see how I need to integrate that side of me instead of neglecting it and self judging my emotional side. You've turned on its head how I see myself today! Thank you soo very much ❤🎉🙏
I need more details, please.
5 close friends?? That’s ALOT in adulthood!! I hope you achieve that goal❤
ikr...
Thank you!!!!!!!! The feeling that something is inherently wrong with expressing emotions has definitely been a huge barrier for me. You have given me the tools to feel comfortable with expressing that side of myself. Many thanks!
I never took attachment styles seriously, thought it to be some sort of zodiac-like typology, but what you say rings so true and has so much sense! It's so scary to be "switched" into a cold-rational persona from your usual loving self, especially if you're in love, and you're, in a sense, defined by love because that is what is most important thing about you - but suddenly you get switched to "cold mode" and you begin to fear that you deceive yourself... It is so scary that it's hard to be aware of it at all, instead pushing it to the backyard of the mind... It is calming to know that this is not "true face", but "other part" of a person...
Heidi! How can you see into my soul?! Yes, I am a guy with an emotional monster inside living all dammed up waiting to burst out and deluge whole villages! I’m definitely FA leaning DA. I’m comfortable sans emotions and feeling quietly superior to other mere mortals. But then I fell for a DA. The monster emerged overwhelming him with declarations of deep affection. He ran for the hills (twice), which reinforces that I’m part monster. He’s the only one who triggers that side of me because he’s the only person I’ve ever really fallen for probably because he’s the only guy I know who is more dismissive than I am. And now I hurt every day (and weep every fourth day!) and want to be a true DA because they (seemingly) don’t feel pain. I’ve often thought that a release valve is needed, but the practicalities of installing such a device have so far eluded me. Thanks for your unique and apt videos. I’ve watched others’ videos, but somehow yours always hit the proverbial nail on the head every time. Thanks for your help!
I love this comment. Better to laugh than cry about it, right?🥴
You write like an author of literature! This comment is so relatable, ESPECIALLY the declarations of love part. I cringe about it almost every day. Sigh. I’ve never fallen like that before. I didn’t even know that I could fall like that before. I just did too much, and I feel embarrassed. I still miss him, and my heart still hurts, but I’ve just detached from the entire situation. I can’t bear to deal with the feelings of loss and heartbreak. It’s too hard. Too painful. I was too stupid. Too immature. Too desperate. I definitely lost myself in him, and the imaginary future I created with him. I needed the break from fantasy, desperately, but it came at a cost. You live and you learn, I guess.
I wish you the best.
So well explained. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I've made so much progress in 12-step pgms - CODA, ACA - practicing humility, facing my shame, being accountable to myself without judgment. It's not a religious org.
I am so heartbroken since two weeks ago and I started watching your videos one day after I found out that the „man of my dreams“ is in an relationship. I am so desperately hurt and feel so deceived but listening to you keeps my head up or even can get me sleep when i cannot phantasy about him anymore. I am very greatful for your magnificent videos with the smiley voice that gives me hope to become a happy person one day (also in a relationship)
As a clinician I love your channel, It's
More about the drama triangle than other channels don't mention. And the fact that. We can be fearful avoidant but leaning secure. We really have the opposite side in us wether we want to see it or not.
Hi Heidi, the most memorable point to me is that my anxious side needs air. Of course it will come out screaming and act out in an embarassing way after suffocating for so long under my logic. Every video of yours is an eye opener. Thank you so much for your insights and sharing your journey. ❤
I feel like I finally have the final piece to the puzzle and can now see the elephant in the room of my life. Thank you, Heidi!
I feel like I’ve just been exposed! Damn. I had been mostly in the fearful avoidant state, masking my anger and distaste, trying my hardest to remain good and helpful, almost selfless, when in reality I was really needy. I was recently triggered and the parts of myself I kept hidden from others poked its head and I couldn’t stand it. Now I feel a bit anxious avoidant and closed off from a feeling of defeat. Trying to stay in balance is, for me, like learning to walk all over again.
I literally choked on my coffee when it was said I lost myself in that. I can't tell you how many times I said that. And then when you talked about the box that needs to be open and left open about being emotional and vulnerable I started having shortness of breath over the thought of doing that. Just the thought! There's times I want to think I'm not a fearful avoidant that I might have made a mistake or something along those lines. And then I see a video one of your videos actually I can't deny it, it's like you're know my inside voice.
I have been building a relationship (or I thought I have been doing that) with someone who freaked out when I said that we have a special connection. He started ghosting me, ignoring my messages, becoming distant ... As if the word 'connection' made him scared to death. When I tried to discus that with him, he found that completely normal, and tried to put it all on me, for even mentioning it. It was completely impossible to talk with him because he would never take any responsibility for anything that transpired between us. When I left him, after trying to explain to him far too many times that I feel how my needs have not been met in the relationship, he said to me that he felt "swindled by how I handed the situation", again trying to put all the blame on me. I know that I have some issues too, but I have been willing to work on them, being fully aware of them, while he kept repeating in every single situation that he has never done anything wrong.
I'm just now realizing as I explore multiple of these videos, that because they specifically explore from a romantic-relationship place that I was missing acknowledging a point where I do the "I've lost myself" thing. Because I don't do it in romantic relationships, but I absolutely do it with masking at work. That's an eye opener. It also makes me consider how that's how I feel when I have to spend time with my family and it made me connect that I'm much more avoidant with my mom and much more anxious with my dad.
I always believe myself to be anxious, but this video made me realize I might have been fearful-avoidant all along, actually swinging between the extremes. I’ve actually been more avoidant before, but became deeply anxious when started getting into relationships.
I haven't had so many "wow, that's me" moments in a long while. Thank you for making these videos!
Thanks so much for this. I'm fearful to be seen and felt because a part of me thinks people will make use of my vulnerabilities.
Just now a guy on a bus hit on me with a kind gaze. An attachment gaze. I looked away cos I know I am blushing. I'm in my mid 40s already and yet I still chicken out and turned away, looking disinterested, when actually I felt scared and embarrassed.
The guy seems like a nice chap. But I convinced myself to not engage, possibly to save myself from further embarrassment.
Your suggestion of making deeper emotional connection with 5 friends is a good one. I find myself not having even one emotionally deep friendship.
I love this video because as an FA, I have recently started looking at IFS and parts therapy as a way to learn how to integrate these fragmented parts of myself, this is a step further into healing. Especially because FAs struggle so much with activation and deactivation, emotions swinging from end to end. The goal here is to minimize this and be more centred and grounded. I also think that once you learn how integrate, that's when CBT comes into play, you can now question your own thought and feelings, you can also learn how to practice mindfulness and learn to observe yourself more in the moment because you're not getting overwhelmed by your own emotional reactivity.
Thank you for the clarity.
Hands down the best video to help it make sense on how to work through it, not hide it. Thanks!
Balance has been key for me! These are great tips! I'm the FA, leaning anxious, I've mainly suppressed my avoidant side. But when it's popped up, it's left several people in my life very hurt and / or confused. I've always excused it after the fact as possible depression or burnout until learning about attachment. So, I started forcing myself not to be so available and attuned to others all the time. Before, I felt major guilt to take space and self-focus for a bit. Especially with a friend or partner who was more anxious.
My situationship was like this. Super clingy and and needy with constant communication daily and when we got closer with more emotional intimacy, he blamed his distance on depression and burnout from work. It triggered my abandonment issues due to his stonewalling. He still wanted me around but it felt like asking him to communicate or giving a few minutes time to me was like asking him touch lava. He ended up setting boundaries with me that shut me out with no availability in the near future. I think he had the same revelation as you but it gave me whiplash since he didn't communicate the changes in dynamic. Thanks for sharing this. It validated my situation.
Phew! I'm going to have to listen to this 3 more times. There were so many revelations to me about my past behavior and confusion and desperation that make a lot more sense now. I am on my way to healing and I couldn't do it without your wisdom. I definitely agree to the part about having a support group where it is safe to share your true feelings. I feel like that is the version of myself that I want to bring into every situation. There is MUCH left to be done. Thank you again for sharing on this channel!!
Woah, this was so mind opening for me 🤯 Especially the part about the other person bringing out a different side of me or "losing myself" in a relationship. I've literally said this before. Thank you so much.
Well just found out today I am a fearful avoidant so that’s fun😩. The positive is it explains a lot of my relationship patterns and knowledge is instrumental to change.
I have never taken pride for being able to be cold or distant, I take pride in my ability to be lethal. Shaping my life in seconds and taking wildly intertwined and yet completely opposite paths at once...
But how much longer can I hold that flag over my head
Keep my weapons raised
My eyes locked
My body snaps in truly terrifying ways under the pressure only for my focus to not be changed whatsoever.
When do I become tired....
When do I fail...
And when I do can I get back up?
This video has taught me much and your eyes are kind to damaged souls. Please remember your mortality and take time for even your most "simple" human needs. Thank you for your words.
"The end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go."
Heidi never misses, like what an absolute game-changer. 😭
I've actually been doing this for months without even realizing I had an FA attachment. Like I've actually been saying to myself, "Am I the same around most people, including the intimate partner that I really love?" ... and yes I am! In the past, I used to change myself so outwardly and become what men wanted. My behavior was so different around a man that I was interested in... and it ended up leading to some really hard experiences. My performance and subconscious approval-seeking never got me love. But now, watching these videos WITH knowing my attachment style has made me see the world in yet another new color! 🥰
I feel so FREE!! And, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a partner who fosters true love with me!!! It is not perfect, and that is okay.💖 Life is perfectly imperfect, and experiencing honest romantic love for the first time in my life is honestly like heaven.💖
I’m so glad I found your fearful-avoidant videos. Neither Anxious or Avoidant really resonates with me…but these do. And I’ve noticed that as a FA I often tend to attract or be attracted to other FA in a sorta tribe sense.
I’m…also dealing with the more I heal, the more I have to accept my emotions ARE “stronger” than others because of my adhd, and my reactions while finally finally healing some of this ARE going to seem…bizarre to explosive to others because of my cptsd + adhd.
And remember how I tend to kinda…cluster with other FA? (Which is also why I think the conventional “it’s from Extreme caregiver abuse/neglect” is dead wrong; mine developed from extreme bullying and scapegoating at school + church with parent ill equipped to really give support vs disgust and punishment to my emotions.) Well…pretty sure I’m in love with another FA. I’ve had to deal with the shame of that, especially since. Despite being FINE only being friends (and in a lot of ways that’s preferable for me; and really all I can ever “expect” as someone asexual anyway so I’ve just done so years ago, it is what it is). I swear them sensing my attraction to them + their attraction to me just…sets them off. They were the first person to see me disregulated AND accept me, anyway; and very quickly pick up on my emotional and physical hurt and either soothe or show compassion for it faster than anyone else I’ve ever known in-person; and they looked pleased when they could make me laugh so hard I could forget to feel shame about it. But…either that stupid attraction, or…maybe they do believe I’m really only trying to build the foundations for a secure friendship here. But one or either just. Has them osolating between a Fear of that kind of connection and a Fear I’ll leave.
…and while I’ll keep fighting to try and make the environment we’re in safe. I just don’t have the stamina anymore to deal with wanting a Friendship vs Casual Aquaintanceship being treated like I’m “demanding too much” anymore.
…if they really are attached to me…it’s their turn now. I just hope that doesn’t cause further damage but this dysfunction is harmful to me.
As the former partner of an FA, it felt like Jekyll and Hyde. I still have whiplash from the shift!
Your videos are a game-changer for me. I always thought I lost myself in relationships, turns out I just triggered my normally-hidden avoidant side.
Wooow. That analysis on the being fearful of the other attatchment style goes deeep. That was again one of those, “damn i’ve improved my vocabulary” moments. As someone who is anxious fearful avoidant, im often afraid i become distant. Wonderful! Happy to learn this at 23
Oof 😖. This explains quite a bit of what happened in my last relationship. It’s comforting to know that at least what I’ve been experiencing isn’t unique. Thank you - your videos have been helping me immensely. 🙏🏼
Lady, you are changing my life. THANK YOU
I feel like I need to rewatch this a few times, I am just learning about my attachment style and didn’t realize I was FA for so long.. this video has great explanations! Thank you for covering this topic in a way that is reaching so many.
It seems the key is full self acceptance, of being ok with the angrier parts of the inner child but being a good parent to that inner child and setting appropriate boundaries. Would it be appropriate to tell ones partner "I feel a strong urge to erupt and say things that will really hurt you. Would you like to hear about my feelings now?"
I find it helps both me and my partner if I say what is going on in my innrer being. So I say I feel shut down right now or like I'm going to explode. It sort of makes the emotions less volatile so they diffuse when I can objectively describe them rather than getting swept up in them. It helps my partner understand me better and also know that it's not about them.
I've seen most of your videos by now, and its so clear now. I am actually shocked how true they are.
23:50 if you're interested in doing a video about some explicit examples of what emotional intimacy can look like on i'd be super interested. i've been trying to grasp it these past few months but it's always a fog if i want to concretely conceptualize what that looks like.
i get a lot of feedback from people missing something "deeper" from me and it seems i still need help to understand what deeper entails sadly !!
I have been researching attachment and working to understand my issues for like 15 years, but this is my first time recognizing how to mend my two polarities. Thank you for this.
I wish I had found this work ealier! I used to tell my partners about my mad PMT which was bad, but now I realise I am a fearful avoidant as well!! Thank you Heidi.
your channel has been very important in my life realizations, thank you for what you do!
This video series on fearful avoidant patterns is so so helpful to me. For the longest time I would pride myself on my inability to cry, and I would be confused as to why people would be worried about me when I bragged about it. Didn’t this prove I was emotionally tough and well rounded?? I also have a strong social mask that I need to drop. I am in the early beginnings of healing my attachment and these videos are a blessing when my therapy appointments are far between. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us Heidi.
There’s a pattern in my relationships of being liked initially and in large part for my confidence, and subsequently being rejected when I eventually show *gasp* INSECURITIES. 👻👻👻 This video makes that make sense………..ugh
omg thank you so much for this. I'm fearful avoidant but tbh I was having a hard time figuring out if I leaned more avoidant or anxious...your video confirmed for me I'm anxious as a default & avoidant when triggered 😅 I've had a bunch of relationships with avoidant ppl that lasted a long time but lately I've gotten sick of them not treating me well so I've finally started to cut some of them off...sometimes by ghosting & going full avoidant on them. I think what I did was for the best but it worries me how this cycle keeps repeating 😔 this video is definitely helping 💞 thank you so much!!
Fantastic video Heidi, really loved the in depth information. In the past I identified as Fearful Avoidant as well, the thing is that I have always been very 50/50, and for me the part about integration was integrating all of my shadow. I was able to see myself as a logical, organised, calm and independent person, but also someone who is empathetic, kind and giving. I just had a problem of accepting the darker sides of each of them. I actually don’t think every FA has a main style, I think when having a very chaotic and unsafe childhood a person can go into any strategy at any time, and that is what I experienced as well. So for me at the time it meant integrating both, both mostly integrating and accepting my “shadow” parts. Embracing being more vulnerable and actually leaning on others and at the same time setting boundaries in the relationship and taking myself into consideration. I love the Personal Development School’s videos for this
Interesting point about FAs not necessarily having a dominant strategy, and this being a product of a chaotic upbringing and the deployment of any strategy that could work 🤔. I think I have the FA attachment style but I can’t really identify the childhood experiences that would lead to this. I speculate that a less chaotic experience may lead to less chaotic functioning. But then I can also totally identify with this idea that some relationships trigger a big swing to the opposite mode
I have good reason to believe I am FA. I have a terrible problem, though, that I did not see mentioned here. I have been with various people with different attachment styles over the years, LTR, marriage, short-term, cohabitation, even FWB! And the same thing happens no matter who the other person is. I think I self-sabotage without trying. I will swing between the extremes like you said. Imagine the anxious emotional side combining with the cerebral analytical part all at once when it feels my needs are not being met *in an exact timeline* by the other person. It is incredibly obsessively emotionally fraught but combined with analytical detachment all at once. It takes the person and picks them to death trying to find the fatal flaw in the relationship. I am also devastated because I have the self-awareness I am doing this and do not WANT to because it will stop at nothing to destroy an interaction.
For a long time, I blamed the other person for not providing me what I wanted. It was unreasonable. Then I realized I was doing this to myself. I started getting better at it as I got older. Refining my methods. I started not just destroying my relationships prematurely, but also wrecking promising attachments. It was only when I started doing it to people I barely knew and jumping to conclusions thst turned out to be incorrect that I realized it was me. But once that part of your brain hits its limit and decides it has to leave, it flips a switch and kills your feelings for the person overnight. It doesn't matter if I knew them for years or weeks, iI just shut down (against my own desires and will). I suddenly become emotionally deadened to the person I am attached to. I used to try to fix this but the more I tried, the worse it got. I would be devastated because I still wanted to be with that person.
Dozens of therapists and trial meds later, there was never a solution found except for me to be alone. I consciously choose to stay alone because there doesn't seem to be a point in putting myself through this endlessly and dragging another person with me. If I feel attraction towards someone I tend to keep it superficial now or avoid them altogether. Once I get past feelings of being broken, I settle comfortably back into being alone. I wish I wasn't this way. There are so many people I genuinely was bonded to and attracted to and I never had one moment of relational happiness because I spent it searching for the fatal flaw.
Has this happened to anyone else? I am beginning to think I'm brain-damaged (got a TBI when younger) and so maybe I can't love, in addition to the FA.
I connect to this deeply. And I’m sorry this war is going on within you… it is worse that it’s something which feels out of your control. It just seems to happen… I hope you can heal and move into a healthy relationship for yourself. I practiced with friends and was able to move light years ahead. Of course, it’s still a journey and will probably always be one, but now I feel as though I can have a healthy relationship that is not rooted in fear.
@@graceintheplace13 Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you suffered similarly. I do not have the same issues with family and friends, though my friendships are more superficial. It is only relationships that go deeper where it seems to surface. I am grateful for the few bonds I have in my life that this does not affect. I hope you can continue to heal as well.
This problem is what I was hoping to solve in the video. It is genuinely heartbreaking to be so full of love all while knowing it can be completely swept away with one instance. I want to be soft and love with my entire being, but silently I know that it’s only a matter of time before the most important person to me in the moment becomes nothing to me in the next. I worked very hard to become the happy, accepting person I am today and this particular issue just makes me feel like I’m still so broken somehow and I don’t know how to fix it. Even if I wanted to try and scrounge up the feelings I had for someone, it doesn’t work because then I’m forcing myself and it only has the opposite effect and I just become even more distant. I’m horribly sorry that you are going through the same and while I know it’s no consolation, I hope you know you’re not alone ❤️ I genuinely hope you find a solution one day and can finally rest.
@Sidera17 Have you examined childhood traumas that caused you to be this way? If you can identify the kinds of dysfunctional relationships you had with parents/caregivers it might give you some insights. Insecure attachment types tend to be attracted to people who ring the dysfunctional bells for them, as in they recreate the relationship dynamic that you grew up thinking was normal but is in fact unhealthy for you. Your early adaptive coping mechanisms resonate because the romantic interest's behavior confirms (subconsciously) your skewed view of what love is. Put another way, stable and secure people probably seem boring to you. [Speaking as an FA myself, so no judgment here.]
@@dvpress4854 Absolutely. You're 100% right about this. I did not have a "traumatic" childhood, but I did suffer emotional wounding and I never thought to identify or look into it until WELL into my 30s as a contributor of my dysfunction. I've spent the past few years really figuring out what that is and understanding how it impacts my relational behavior (and it also helped me solve familial wounds).
The bigger problem I now deal with is that one of these bad relationships caused me to end up in a 6 year situation that turned into domestic entrapment, and so I have severe somatic PTSD type symptoms I need to regulate before entering another relationship.
Having attachment issues from childhood feels so different than having active PTSD, but the PTSD was from a relationship. I think the PTSD is severe enough everyone notices but people without huge trauma in adult life who just have childhood attachment issues can overlook them easier, I think, and they don't think to go to therapy.
I’ve been in therapy for years and I went deeper into attachment theory several months ago but this is the most eye-opening thing I have heard in a while. You put it so eloquently that I’ve just had a bit of a eureka moment. Thank you so much! And of course I had to subscribe, looking forward to your other videos.
Thanks for explaining this so well. I am beginning to understand myself better now: Fearful, leaning more avoidant.
Thank you so much for this video ❤🎉 I've done both sides and am currently trying exactly how to use them at the same time. I feel more relaxed and safer in my avoidant side, but I'm much better connected to my feelings now, so I flip-flop less. The avoidant side definitely protected my vulnerability.
Heidi, you are an absolute genius. I love your style of presenting this information. Such a wealth of information, presented in the most compassionate, clear and powerful ways. These videos are reorganizing me from the inside out. You're so badass!
Yep. Sounds like me. With my ex I was so emotionally engaged and passionate. We didn’t work out. With my relationship now I’ve tried to stay more logical, but the longer we stay together he sees more of my emotional side.
At work I try to put on a front. Logic and less emotion. But then sometimes once I leave work it’s like all my emotions break loose and I have trouble regulating. I guess I’ve been surpressing too much.
Thank you very much for this series. I’ve seen how much I’ve grown from therapy within this particular attachment style
I’m ready to take steps to acknowledge, understand, and integrate my responsibility to be more present. And not by blaming myself with hundreds of different narratives that absorb my life and energy.
“Negative emotional activation and withdraw” is something i’ve seen with fearful avoidance. I lean dismissive avoidant and for us i think we avoid more so with a wall or keeping people arms length while fearful avoidants get a doubt or pressure and they feed into their panic and withdraw. One guys did that when i started questioning why he is never available when i ask, and only when he asks to hang out. A second was also fine until i asked about for once spending the night. Both back out shortly after these conversations.
Oh, God! The more I dive into this, the more difficult it gets. I don`t even get myself... I now understand why it`s easier NOT to work on your trauma... because you already have built a persona that works for you(actually NOT REALLY, but you know... you mastered handling IT, so u know whats about and what to expect, even though it may ruin your life), when on the other hand, working through your wounds and all that stuff, it`s confusing, painful, requires A LOT of intentional work, every single day. But then it`s the other side of the coin as well, that once you opened the Pandoras box on trauma, you can`t really close it back. Oh, MAN! Good luck to you all and loooots of hugs and love, i am sure you need it, `cause I do!
I think I have both actually. I see myself as emotional AND analytical since I was a kid. Sometimes I feel weird when they're going into extremes. About 6 months ago I went into dismissive side even though I was on the anxious side of the spectrum probably for the most part of my life. Like I discovered that intellectual side of myself that was always there, but was natural and I didn't give it too much attention. I always thought that I'm great with emotions and now I come to realize how much I repress them. I was often very emotional, angry and it was coming out very impulsively, also in friendships, so I actually wanted to get rid of the part that was more connected to my identity. Now I'm calmer but also more "dead inside" and yes, when you started speaking, my thought was: "How on earth one could use both at the same time?". But I was always prone both to martyr syndrome and to isolate myself, overanalyze, also when I'm single. It's just that relationships bring more chaos and more emotional eruptions if I'm already neglecting my own emotions. They poke at the triggers. I don't like each side coming out. I think at this point in my therapeutic process I use both, but it still can be tricky to do that at the same time, because it's the unknown language.
I love your channel and how much it has helped me to understand concepts that have seemed foreign otherwise. Thank you for speaking so plainly and in such a straightforward manner. It makes it easy to grasp so much about my life that has felt like a great mystery.
Woooow. This blew my mind. I flip between the two very fast, both in response to the other because both are so uncomfortable. No wonder I feel anxiety! This is really valuable information for me. Thank you!❤
This entire video is reading me to filth.
Translation: I relate to the things discussed in this video very much.
Thank you for putting these things to light :)
I have always realized how I processed things in my relationships, just didn't realize there was term for my "richochet" overthinking brain! Thanks again for your breakdowns on attachment styles!
5 friends who you can feel that deep intimate relationship with wow that sounds like a lot 😅
I have a pattern of feeling VERY deeply with my heart, yet making major life decisions with my head.
Being an FA is both a blessing (the beautiful parts) and a curse (the jacked up parts).
How wonderful it will be to heal and become more secure, maintaining the beautiful parts, and stripping the ugly parts.
Reframe your thinking.
Have hope.
Do the work.
We WILL be ok if we retrain our subconscious through images and emotions (Thais).
1% every day, y’all!
🤗
I have always had such a hard time figuring out which way I lean. I used to think it was more anxious, but then I felt like I shifted to more avoidant. As you described each, I felt like I’ve always identified with both. Then when you brought up how it relates to what worked for you in childhood, it finally all made sense! One strategy worked best with my mom, and the other worked best with my dad! So while it might not be exactly 50/50, I think whichever way I lean, I’m not leaning very far. No wonder it’s been so difficult to determine!
I should also add, I notice that which way I lean tends to depend a lot on who I am dating at the time. If they’re more avoidant, I’m more anxious. If they’re more anxious, I’m more avoidant. Or my personal favorite exes… other fearful avoidants who always kept me guessing and could bring out either side of my insecure attachment at any moment! My nervous system loves that chaos. 😬