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Wonderful video. You'll be punished for loving these people. When true intimacy grows, they bolt. I'm so damaged from this. God knows if I'll ever heal.
You played your part too. Work on yourself or you’ll fall in to the same patterns with the same kind of people. Don’t be the victim or you’ll screw yourself over and deny yourself the opportunity to transcend your current issues. Good luck.
@@1984musicman Of course, it was your ex who is to blame for your failed relationship. You did nothing wrong. My bad. You missed the point and got defensive. You sound like a wet blanket. Good luck with all that.
@@RichRobinson mate, you have no idea. I gave my FA a secure relationship and he sabotaged it. Couldn’t handle a good thing. Sadly! He was the chaotic partner.
These are damaged and handicapped victims of our sick society who need help and comprehensive relationships. As the world situation becomes unbearable, their number increases and those who cannot cope with a mission to help them should move on and avoid further hurting them. My taking is that a person who feels capable of a mature attitude, and not one of repairing the relationship for his or her own benefits, is not facing a take or leave decision but one of determining the correct distance from which help can be provided.
@@anewlifestirring Not easy to do when fearful avoidants engage in self sabotage and hurt others in process. Even secures get shaken up by that behaviour.
@@hamzahkhan4319 very true; the key to all human relationships is to find the correct distance, and this can only be determined by associating with the person without becoming excessively attached. In addition the person can evolve if our attachment style is well adapted to the changes and chances of life.
I am a recovered dismissive avoidant. I would leave relationships when I was desperately in love due to my intense shame and fear of being seen for my true self. I had deep wounds over the shame of being an introvert and emotional neglect in childhood. I felt utterly defective, as though everyone was normal but me. I'm horrified that I felt that way about myself and even more horrified about the damage I did to others. To any other avoidants out there, I suggest you dive into self therapy ASAP.
@Thom Chefski Honestly, when I was a full-blown DA, I think if a partner had said to me: "I see all of you. The bits you try to hide. And I love all of you, and I'm here to support," that may have worked.
I am myself an FA, and I wish I knew how to heal much earlier. But I did not. Whatever you do after dating an FA, what I would say is important is: heal yourself first, dont overfocus on the FA. The FA litteraly needs space when deacrivating, dont try to make them even more guilt tripped. They already feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders, and they cant see it is not true.
Yeah they live lies and gaslighting, I witnessed my Avoidant ex inventing demonizing things about me too tu justify treating me like sh*t and breaking up with me.
This was probably the MOST healing video I've seen on this topic! I believe my ex is FA, and he was mean at the end. Very hot and cold with affection, his actions and words did not align, and he had a laundry list of things he didn't like about my appearance. It was so shocking after 8 months of what seemed like a really good relationship. Thank you for the affirmation that his actions were very likely not about me, but about inner issues that he needs to heal from with help from a counselor.
Exact same. I would go from the hottest chick alive to unattractive, love of their life to enemy number 1, in less than 12 hours 🤔 and the constant leave me alone come chase me vibe. They can be so endearing, and I could see through the defense mechanisms, but still, I started to feel like it's a game more than a constructive relationship and so when they broke up again, this time I just said ok.
@@Gary.009 I'll be honest, I'm still shocked at how it went. I totally have trust issues now and am working on reminding myself that not all people are like this and healthy people/relationships do exist. I'm sorry you had to experience this.
@@alexissashanicolle8675 Yeah i feel like this damaged me quite harshly. She was the most wonderful girlfriend, and then when the time came to really become intimate, she did everything in her power to sabotage it. Eventually she succeeded by loving me to being completely indifferent towards me.. The horrible things she said, i'm still in shock over it. Wish we could turn back time.
I have watched so many videos on FA behaviour after getting ‘involved’ with one some 18 months ago. This video along with the 3 keys to recover from a year ago finally helped me let go. I feel so much happier. She is a smart lady and I hope she finds her way, but I cannot help her and I have taken so much. Went through the infatuation phase which lasted around 6 months but I knew something was up. I asked her out of curiosity where her father was and she said she didn’t know him. As we grew closer and closer I started to reciprocate her feelings and that’s when the problems started and are still ongoing. Constant push-pull which is exhausting. Luckily it’s not even confusing now thanks to videos like yours x
Oh yes, I remember well that on the last evening we spent together, we went out to a pub (I dont like such places but she wanted to go there, her family was also there but they left before us). On the way home, she told me that maybe she has never had an orgasm because I am just too bad at that stuff. (She had never had one in her life, has never masturbated, we had our first time on her 18th birthday and she was always anxious around that topic, hated her body, bla bla bla). Everytime she was about to come, she would feel intensely and become excited but then remove my hand so that she wouldnt come. After the breakup, I asked her about that line and she even told me that she didnt mean that and that it was just a reflection of her being unsatisfied with herself and such things. So she was even a bit self reflecting. She also admitted that she was always manipulating it herself (yeah I recognized). Man I hope she comes back. But she is solo travelling soon. I assume she will be doing that for like 1 to 2 years. We could make it work. Unfortunately, I dont think she will put in the work whilst travelling. It is just another way to self sooth and not have to deal with the emotions. Also, I am scared that she might do hookups on her travelling journey, but as far as I know her, she doesnt tend to do that. But who knows what her new gained independence makes her do and believe....... If she turns out to be a th*t, I dont want her anyways. But if she comes back as the innocent girl that she was when she left, I am more that happy to make it work. All I need from her is to go to therapy
Thank you for this! You explained this perfectly…. It all makes sense to me now. I also know why I could never stay angry with him, even when he was very emotionally abusive. I empathize with his pain because I’ve been there myself realizing I was married to a malignant covert narcissist for 20 years. Divorcing a monster like that without a way to leave the property for two years was terrifying! Cptsd and flashbacks are no joke. So I got therapy and did the work. I realized then, that I chose abusers as partners and friends my entire life, because that’s all I knew. Just like my most recent partner has done. Anyway, I let him go with hopes that he will love himself enough to get help… I do love him, but he has to do this for himself ❤️
This helped a lot. I’ve lost everything and feels so cruel that as I got more secure and confident in myself to try and help the relationship that this was a trigger for his insecurity. I’ve been accused of all sorts since. It’s helpful to understand but in a way makes it harder as it’s very sad. Be easier to hate him tbh as after 8 years it’s such a waste. What a horrible attachment style for everyone involved, no one wins at all 😔
6:50 So apt. I began to see myself functioning as a mirror in the relationship to bring awareness and attention to their unconscious behaviors. But they weren’t ready to confront their own reflection, not to even speak of seeing me for who I am. First I was idealized, and then I was demonized. All I wanted was open, direct, and sincere communication, but their inability to confront their own experiences prevents them from speaking about them or feeling their tangiblity.
@@amandagarciapastor6475 I don’t recall any more, but generally speaking i mirrored the intensity of their interest and their engagements. I was not actively trying to get anything from them or arouse anything within them, so a lot of the time it felt like I was just a very observant and spacious presence, without a sense of objective. It became apparent the extent of their interest sounded like they just wanted to use my body for their pleasure, I tried to understand their desires and where they were coming from and why, because I was already fulfilled just appreciating the moment with them, I was content and everything felt like “enough,” yet they were unsatisfied. In a world where it’s as if there is never enough and there’s always a desire that burns for more, I cherish those beautiful and infrequent times in my life where I could feel like it was enough
My experience. Last I told him how his interaction are shallow and how he played me I became enemy number 1. He did a total 180. He seam to be angry at the mirror. But he has no one around him who cares enough to be a mirror to him…
@@bertabanya when your not actively trying to “get” something from somebody your open to the moment as it is without premeditation. If you are not so possessed by your own desires and occupied with gratification of them, you can be attentive and open to noticing other’s desires. If you’re not busy trying to contort your behavior to be a certain way and maintain your composure and ego, you can hear who people present themselves to be. (And who they imagine you to be) I only mirror someone else to the degree I am not confined by my own perceptions. (Of self and other) If I see you as all bad, I am unable to hear or see anything else which is good in you. If i cannot see beyond your skin, all I see is the colors and shape of its surface. If all I see when I look out is what I want and what I can get, I am not seeing what I have to give nor the cost of taking whatever I want. If I become so lost in your appearance that I can’t distinguish between you and your appearance, I’m not open to the possibility of you being more than you appear to me. If I get lost in your personality as being your identity I only meet you as such. If you treat me badly today and the day before, I expect the same treatment tomorrow.
After a beautiful 3 days together mine at the end out of no where said / raged "Stop trying to control me" then went on her bed in fetus position and started crying "I don't want to feel this way". She needed to go to a Doctors appointment in the morning and I said i would drive her. That's all. She said " I can't lose myself pleasing another. You are very accurate.
Mine said the same thing. She lost herself trying to please me and didn’t put her self first she told me. She was sad and couldn’t pretty much loose who she was for me
I couldn’t relate more… my ex boyfriend , who I love very much, deactivated from me within a single day after I drove him back to his apartment after spending holiday at my home. I do and will still always love him. I’ve given him the space he wants now and backed away after making sure he knows I’ll always love him. So much pain though
He said a few things, in vaguely explaining the break up, like that he was spending too much time with me and phrased it in a way as if I expected that. I always urged him to spend time with friends and live his life. I have never been a possessive or scary person / girlfriend. But I can’t shake that instinct from his mind , it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his traumas
I sent a friend who has dismissive avoidant attachment a video on dismissive avoidant attachment and he told me to mind my own business and to stay in my own lane. I probably burned the bridge but it was a wobbly, rope bridge to begin with as our friendship 30+ years friendship is/was superficial and I am not interested in superficial relationships.
Lol typical DA. I showed a book on that once to a DA, they told me they would never ever read anything about self help bs. Few years later they messaged me" hey what was the title of that book". Took a few years tho.
@@sunbeam9222Haha! It really only works in their own timeline. I’m a recovering DA but it took me years to finally research what’s going on with me. I wish someone would’ve told me about it years ago but I guess I might not have appreciated it if they did. I sent a video to my FA ex and I don’t think he’s watched. He was clearly annoyed that I thought he might have issues to work on. May take a few other failed relationships for him to want to dig deeper?
You are not entitled to their healing, they are adults and you are not their parent. And you hold no power over them, and sharing this information who is not truly your friend, they might take it as a power move from your side, snd autonomy is something they fiercely defend, you probably made them feel imposed upon.
This comes from them pushing options down and they are triggered but don't know it's their stuff Your in the environment so that is how the feel they associate the trigger with your presence. Because they are not aware of their emotions; they have had anger before but said nothing and it came back another3/10 and then they don't say anything. It builds up in them but they are unaware of their issues. They think showing emotions makes them looks weak. Being quite unconscious without doing any work you might blame others for how you feel. They magnify your faults which are small. Then the protest behavior occurs. 1)They become harsh with words 2) refuse to take ownership of ones feelings and blame the partner( externalization). Which correlates at the extreme w cluster b disorders. But if you're doing the work get out of the drama triangle and be the coach instead of victim.
Going through a break-up with a FA. I think I was pretty much secure. Maybe some on the anxious side, but being in relationship with my ex turned me into an anxious/codependat person. Like I was blamed for having needs or it was never a good time for it. I felt loved and I did my best not to lose him and to work the things out but I lost myself in it. Anyway, I didn't really get from the video and curious to ask, can a fully secure person be in a relationship with a very FA? Because my impression is that earlier or later they just find some fault in a person and start sabotaging the relationship. And thank you for your content. It really helped me a lot to understand my ex and what I was into. Love for FA can really damage one. ❤️
I was in a very similar situation, was constantly blamed when I voiced my needs and started to internalize it. I tried then to work extra hard at the relationship and gave so much until I lost my own sense of who I was.
Secure people can be in relationships with FA’s, but they identify early that the partner isn’t secure or just realize something is off. This is where the divergence takes place. The secure will openly communicate with the FA and may give a pass, but leave if the FA continues the hot and cold behavior. Unfortunately, those secure who feel the reward is greater by staying may end up sliding into the anxious style and losing themselves.
I'm secure and I managed to handle the FA for a few months, I would remain calm and reassuring during their triggering episodes but eventually one night they got pretty mean and I demanding we talk calmly, I refuse to communicate that way. They broke up with me. I let them go. I guess comes a point when boundaries get broken and lack of respect shows up, and it's time to wave goodbye.
My avoidant ex left me as a reaction. She had done it many times before. But we were together over 4 years and one of her deepest fears was being abandoned. So I tried to give space and she’d come back only to repeats the cycle. Unfortunately we didn’t know what we know now after therapy and coaching this time. It’s been a few months and she went from distracting with tinder and trips, now she’s killing herself with work and school. She’s STILL avoiding it all. I’m trying to give her space while also being here for her. She’s very angry last week spoke a few days ago. Just berating me like no other. I responded with “I hear you, but I’m gonna go, I’m not abandoning you, and when you’re ready, come find me I’ll be right here”. What can I do? We really love eachother and we both had attachment issues that we had no idea about. Now we do. So I think we would be just fine. We also said “I hope we find eachother again, we will”. I’m still waiting to for that day while also trying to be comfortable with knowing it may never happen. Is there a moment she’ll just get flooded with emotions about me? In the past my ex had sent memes, or opened her heart randomly. I haven’t got that this time or if I did it was days after she left. Things are just different this time around
❤ dear Katya ! This talk and others on the FA partners is straight on. I have recently experienced a hostile breakup with my GF (seems to be a FA type?) Your talk helped me understand her behavior. I was expressing my needs throughout this relationship - mainly to emotionally connect, commit and better communicate, this eventually made her burst in an angry texting blaming me for “ damaging her” making her feel insecure and for me being unloving etc. she abruptly terminate the relationship…
I avoided my ex gf for almost three years. She left me twice for different guys. She always poked around but I just remained silent n kept my distance. I tried to move on . We have a daughter so it was hard to avoid the mother. But I managed to keep physical contact almost non existent. The moment I cut the last tie. Which was a shared utility bill. She flew off the hook. I'm not sure if she has a fear of me moving on. Letting me off the leash . Or just felt betrayed by me when I wanted to move on. But for what ever reason. She went on the full attack. She called the police on me . Made false allegations. Put me in jail. Ran off with my daughter for half a year. Costed me 60k in lawyers. Bashed me online. Ref flagged me at the school. The list goes on. When I try and make sense of her chaotic actions. The only thing I can think of that might make sense to as why she did this. Is because she didn't want to let go of me, maybe she was hurting so bad that being a victim her self was the only way to numb the pain. Anyways, the waters are calm again. Still no apology. I don't think I'll ever get one
Wow this explanation was really great and eye opening for what happened between me and my partner. thank you so much no one has put it this way before and it helps me to feel better about what happened. 💕
Huge gratitude, Katya, it explains my ex's behaviour perfectly and helps me come to terms with what happened...! In your experience, do FAs dumpers - those who work on themselves - ever regret their decision of leaving someone? My ex (bisexual woman with a history of immature and intense relationships) seemed emotionally detached, so I guess the answer would be no.
My therapist thinks my ex has disorganized attachment after talking to her about our relationship/breakup. I'm struggling very hard with the fallout, and it's hard to accept 😢
I'm FA working on becoming secure and most times my hostility surprise me as much as him. It comes when i don't know EXACTLY what's going on and that makes me feel really unsafe. It's really hard to control but I'm better at it cause i know my wounds are being triggered and I'm making up stories so i'm prepared for worst case cenarios. Yeah, it sucks for whoever has to deal with it but it sucks for me just as much...
My FA ex would do the same exact thing. I've even told her that she was sabotaging the relationship over and over, but you're right it's always our fault for THEIR actions
@@PB-md3nt the more research I did.he leans into narcissism and/or personality disorder. Which is all trauma related. Crazy to observe all it. Dr Ramni is really good to listen to. Helped me a lot. Please realize it’s their own thing and they are responsible for it. Sending you strength 🙏
I know I'm anxious and was with an avoidant. She could turn hot and cold and nothing into something so quickly without warning or a good reason. Even when explaining things to her to make sure she doesn't get the wrong end of the stick, she could somehow bring it up over again. By the end of our last encounter we were both hostile, which I've never been with her, to the point it fueled a big and bad argument that I hate myself for allowing to happen and react to😞
Yes, I recognize more and more patterns that I made with her at that time, it has been 39 years now and I still regret that it never worked out with her. I knew at that time that it existed, I have never seen it before. heard of it
My FA ex broke up saying he was only hurting me, never really deactivated until after almost 2 months after the break up 'cos he showed up twice and was still emotional, then we bumped into each other and had an "argument" and he was completely cold, no emotions (like he switched a button), distant. Then few days later showed up again where and when he knows for sure he can find me and said hi with his hand, passing me with the car. Then we crossed path unintentionally driving home 2 days later, I said Hi and he looked puzzled, stoned or like he has seen a ghost and only replayed with the hand, he can't even speak right now...and then went missing again
My ex went from wanting to get married to hating me for no reason a week later. He ended up doing this pattern for another 2 yrs on off. Always right after things were good.
Oh my goodness. After 5 1/2 years in the most beautiful relationship ever with a FA - THIS ⬆️ finally explains why he suddenly and totally broke it off. It has been 8 weeks. I am gutted. But thank you thank you for this Clarity.
Dated one...he blew up and threatened me and then when I rebuttled he threatened a restraining order and folded me out for weeks..super sad and off putting ... he came around only briefly after that and only to use me ...I was heartbroken for sure.
What can I do to help her out of this. In the past she has deactivated many times and was always thankful that I was there not giving up on her. To be fair I know it may be stringing along but after this time, we’ve both been in therapy and learning about ourselves and our relationship. Help. Anything I can say? Do? To show her and let her feel like I am here no matter how far she pushes me away?
My FA ex is now in complete shutdown, blocked me on everything apart from one method of communication, she’s been doing this for 5 years now, but we always seem to reconnect 4-6months later, what the hell is going on?
Same thing happens to me. It's the push/pull. In my case, and most likely yours, she feels threatened because someone is actually treating them good for the first time in their life. They're scared, and back away thinking you're going to wind up hurting them either physically or mentally. When you back off for awhile, she will come back when she feels that you might have moved on. It's happened to me a couple times, she even told me once she was afraid I would move on when we broke up at that time for ten days. You'll find out the breakups last longer, and the good times together are shorter. I've finally given up on my FA after she told me last week that she "never wants to talk to me again." Wish granted.
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Wonderful video. You'll be punished for loving these people. When true intimacy grows, they bolt. I'm so damaged from this. God knows if I'll ever heal.
You played your part too. Work on yourself or you’ll fall in to the same patterns with the same kind of people. Don’t be the victim or you’ll screw yourself over and deny yourself the opportunity to transcend your current issues.
Good luck.
@@RichRobinson you actually don't know what my "part" was mate, nor how I conducted myself. So just be weary of assumptions.
@@1984musicman Of course, it was your ex who is to blame for your failed relationship. You did nothing wrong. My bad.
You missed the point and got defensive.
You sound like a wet blanket. Good luck with all that.
@@RichRobinson accountability is everything. I know I played my part unknowingly but I’m very aware now. ❤
@@RichRobinson mate, you have no idea. I gave my FA a secure relationship and he sabotaged it. Couldn’t handle a good thing. Sadly! He was the chaotic partner.
These people will turn secure one into anxious
These are damaged and handicapped victims of our sick society who need help and comprehensive relationships.
As the world situation becomes unbearable, their number increases and those who cannot cope with a mission to help them should move on and avoid further hurting them.
My taking is that a person who feels capable of a mature attitude, and not one of repairing the relationship for his or her own benefits, is not facing a take or leave decision but one of determining the correct distance from which help can be provided.
So we are cursed and our self perception is right.. self fulfilling yes but I don’t see how I can help it
Exactly! I didn't even realize this until I developed CPTSD!
@@anewlifestirring Not easy to do when fearful avoidants engage in self sabotage and hurt others in process. Even secures get shaken up by that behaviour.
@@hamzahkhan4319 very true; the key to all human relationships is to find the correct distance, and this can only be determined by associating with the person without becoming excessively attached. In addition the person can evolve if our attachment style is well adapted to the changes and chances of life.
I am a recovered dismissive avoidant. I would leave relationships when I was desperately in love due to my intense shame and fear of being seen for my true self. I had deep wounds over the shame of being an introvert and emotional neglect in childhood. I felt utterly defective, as though everyone was normal but me. I'm horrified that I felt that way about myself and even more horrified about the damage I did to others. To any other avoidants out there, I suggest you dive into self therapy ASAP.
How do we get an avoidant to come back into s relationship with us?
@Thom Chefski Honestly, when I was a full-blown DA, I think if a partner had said to me: "I see all of you. The bits you try to hide. And I love all of you, and I'm here to support," that may have worked.
I am myself an FA, and I wish I knew how to heal much earlier. But I did not. Whatever you do after dating an FA, what I would say is important is: heal yourself first, dont overfocus on the FA. The FA litteraly needs space when deacrivating, dont try to make them even more guilt tripped. They already feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders, and they cant see it is not true.
Do they cheat @@strawberryjam5844
On top of becoming hostile he also fabricates negative stories about me that aren’t even true which is very disturbing to me.
I'm sorry to hear that. Talking behind someones back and spreading rumors is such a betrayal
Yeah they live lies and gaslighting, I witnessed my Avoidant ex inventing demonizing things about me too tu justify treating me like sh*t and breaking up with me.
This was probably the MOST healing video I've seen on this topic! I believe my ex is FA, and he was mean at the end. Very hot and cold with affection, his actions and words did not align, and he had a laundry list of things he didn't like about my appearance. It was so shocking after 8 months of what seemed like a really good relationship. Thank you for the affirmation that his actions were very likely not about me, but about inner issues that he needs to heal from with help from a counselor.
Exact same. I would go from the hottest chick alive to unattractive, love of their life to enemy number 1, in less than 12 hours 🤔 and the constant leave me alone come chase me vibe.
They can be so endearing, and I could see through the defense mechanisms, but still, I started to feel like it's a game more than a constructive relationship and so when they broke up again, this time I just said ok.
How are you now, after 10 months? Same thing happened to me over he course of a month and it's the third week of us being done and having no contact.
@@Gary.009 I'll be honest, I'm still shocked at how it went. I totally have trust issues now and am working on reminding myself that not all people are like this and healthy people/relationships do exist. I'm sorry you had to experience this.
@@sunbeam9222 I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It's so hurtful and confusing. 😔
@@alexissashanicolle8675 Yeah i feel like this damaged me quite harshly. She was the most wonderful girlfriend, and then when the time came to really become intimate, she did everything in her power to sabotage it. Eventually she succeeded by loving me to being completely indifferent towards me.. The horrible things she said, i'm still in shock over it. Wish we could turn back time.
I have watched so many videos on FA behaviour after getting ‘involved’ with one some 18 months ago. This video along with the 3 keys to recover from a year ago finally helped me let go. I feel so much happier. She is a smart lady and I hope she finds her way, but I cannot help her and I have taken so much. Went through the infatuation phase which lasted around 6 months but I knew something was up. I asked her out of curiosity where her father was and she said she didn’t know him. As we grew closer and closer I started to reciprocate her feelings and that’s when the problems started and are still ongoing. Constant push-pull which is exhausting. Luckily it’s not even confusing now thanks to videos like yours x
I can relate to this so much, the constant push pull makes you feel like you’re going insane
You still together?
Great explanation - shame and power imbalance leading to externally-directed hostility.
Oh yes, I remember well that on the last evening we spent together, we went out to a pub (I dont like such places but she wanted to go there, her family was also there but they left before us).
On the way home, she told me that maybe she has never had an orgasm because I am just too bad at that stuff. (She had never had one in her life, has never masturbated, we had our first time on her 18th birthday and she was always anxious around that topic, hated her body, bla bla bla). Everytime she was about to come, she would feel intensely and become excited but then remove my hand so that she wouldnt come.
After the breakup, I asked her about that line and she even told me that she didnt mean that and that it was just a reflection of her being unsatisfied with herself and such things. So she was even a bit self reflecting. She also admitted that she was always manipulating it herself (yeah I recognized). Man I hope she comes back. But she is solo travelling soon. I assume she will be doing that for like 1 to 2 years. We could make it work. Unfortunately, I dont think she will put in the work whilst travelling. It is just another way to self sooth and not have to deal with the emotions.
Also, I am scared that she might do hookups on her travelling journey, but as far as I know her, she doesnt tend to do that. But who knows what her new gained independence makes her do and believe....... If she turns out to be a th*t, I dont want her anyways. But if she comes back as the innocent girl that she was when she left, I am more that happy to make it work.
All I need from her is to go to therapy
Thank you for this! You explained this perfectly…. It all makes sense to me now. I also know why I could never stay angry with him, even when he was very emotionally abusive. I empathize with his pain because I’ve been there myself realizing I was married to a malignant covert narcissist for 20 years. Divorcing a monster like that without a way to leave the property for two years was terrifying! Cptsd and flashbacks are no joke. So I got therapy and did the work. I realized then, that I chose abusers as partners and friends my entire life, because that’s all I knew. Just like my most recent partner has done. Anyway, I let him go with hopes that he will love himself enough to get help… I do love him, but he has to do this for himself ❤️
This helped a lot. I’ve lost everything and feels so cruel that as I got more secure and confident in myself to try and help the relationship that this was a trigger for his insecurity. I’ve been accused of all sorts since. It’s helpful to understand but in a way makes it harder as it’s very sad. Be easier to hate him tbh as after 8 years it’s such a waste. What a horrible attachment style for everyone involved, no one wins at all 😔
6:50 So apt. I began to see myself functioning as a mirror in the relationship to bring awareness and attention to their unconscious behaviors. But they weren’t ready to confront their own reflection, not to even speak of seeing me for who I am. First I was idealized, and then I was demonized. All I wanted was open, direct, and sincere communication, but their inability to confront their own experiences prevents them from speaking about them or feeling their tangiblity.
How did you mirror them? What kind of behaviours?
@@amandagarciapastor6475 I don’t recall any more, but generally speaking i mirrored the intensity of their interest and their engagements. I was not actively trying to get anything from them or arouse anything within them, so a lot of the time it felt like I was just a very observant and spacious presence, without a sense of objective.
It became apparent the extent of their interest sounded like they just wanted to use my body for their pleasure, I tried to understand their desires and where they were coming from and why, because I was already fulfilled just appreciating the moment with them, I was content and everything felt like “enough,” yet they were unsatisfied.
In a world where it’s as if there is never enough and there’s always a desire that burns for more, I cherish those beautiful and infrequent times in my life where I could feel like it was enough
My experience. Last I told him how his interaction are shallow and how he played me I became enemy number 1. He did a total 180. He seam to be angry at the mirror. But he has no one around him who cares enough to be a mirror to him…
@@bertabanya when your not actively trying to “get” something from somebody your open to the moment as it is without premeditation. If you are not so possessed by your own desires and occupied with gratification of them, you can be attentive and open to noticing other’s desires. If you’re not busy trying to contort your behavior to be a certain way and maintain your composure and ego, you can hear who people present themselves to be. (And who they imagine you to be)
I only mirror someone else to the degree I am not confined by my own perceptions. (Of self and other) If I see you as all bad, I am unable to hear or see anything else which is good in you. If i cannot see beyond your skin, all I see is the colors and shape of its surface. If all I see when I look out is what I want and what I can get, I am not seeing what I have to give nor the cost of taking whatever I want. If I become so lost in your appearance that I can’t distinguish between you and your appearance, I’m not open to the possibility of you being more than you appear to me. If I get lost in your personality as being your identity I only meet you as such. If you treat me badly today and the day before, I expect the same treatment tomorrow.
After a beautiful 3 days together mine at the end out of no where said / raged "Stop trying to control me" then went on her bed in fetus position and started crying "I don't want to feel this way". She needed to go to a Doctors appointment in the morning and I said i would drive her. That's all. She said " I can't lose myself pleasing another. You are very accurate.
Mine said the same thing. She lost herself trying to please me and didn’t put her self first she told me. She was sad and couldn’t pretty much loose who she was for me
They really make no damn sense.
I couldn’t relate more… my ex boyfriend , who I love very much, deactivated from me within a single day after I drove him back to his apartment after spending holiday at my home. I do and will still always love him. I’ve given him the space he wants now and backed away after making sure he knows I’ll always love him. So much pain though
He said a few things, in vaguely explaining the break up, like that he was spending too much time with me and phrased it in a way as if I expected that. I always urged him to spend time with friends and live his life. I have never been a possessive or scary person / girlfriend. But I can’t shake that instinct from his mind , it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his traumas
Thank you… understanding the layers and feelings behind their actions helps with the self blame after such a hurtful experience
I sent a friend who has dismissive avoidant attachment a video on dismissive avoidant attachment and he told me to mind my own business and to stay in my own lane.
I probably burned the bridge but it was a wobbly, rope bridge to begin with as our friendship 30+ years friendship is/was superficial and I am not interested in superficial relationships.
Yeah they don't want to question themselves.
Lol typical DA.
I showed a book on that once to a DA, they told me they would never ever read anything about self help bs.
Few years later they messaged me" hey what was the title of that book". Took a few years tho.
@@sunbeam9222Haha! It really only works in their own timeline. I’m a recovering DA but it took me years to finally research what’s going on with me. I wish someone would’ve told me about it years ago but I guess I might not have appreciated it if they did. I sent a video to my FA ex and I don’t think he’s watched. He was clearly annoyed that I thought he might have issues to work on. May take a few other failed relationships for him to want to dig deeper?
You are not entitled to their healing, they are adults and you are not their parent. And you hold no power over them, and sharing this information who is not truly your friend, they might take it as a power move from your side, snd autonomy is something they fiercely defend, you probably made them feel imposed upon.
This comes from them pushing options down and they are triggered but don't know it's their stuff
Your in the environment so that is how the feel they associate the trigger with your presence. Because they are not aware of their emotions; they have had anger before but said nothing and it came back another3/10 and then they don't say anything. It builds up in them but they are unaware of their issues. They think showing emotions makes them looks weak. Being quite unconscious without doing any work you might blame others for how you feel. They magnify your faults which are small. Then the protest behavior occurs. 1)They become harsh with words 2) refuse to take ownership of ones feelings and blame the partner( externalization). Which correlates at the extreme w cluster b disorders. But if you're doing the work get out of the drama triangle and be the coach instead of victim.
Going through a break-up with a FA. I think I was pretty much secure. Maybe some on the anxious side, but being in relationship with my ex turned me into an anxious/codependat person. Like I was blamed for having needs or it was never a good time for it. I felt loved and I did my best not to lose him and to work the things out but I lost myself in it.
Anyway, I didn't really get from the video and curious to ask, can a fully secure person be in a relationship with a very FA? Because my impression is that earlier or later they just find some fault in a person and start sabotaging the relationship.
And thank you for your content. It really helped me a lot to understand my ex and what I was into. Love for FA can really damage one. ❤️
I was in a very similar situation, was constantly blamed when I voiced my needs and started to internalize it. I tried then to work extra hard at the relationship and gave so much until I lost my own sense of who I was.
Secure people can be in relationships with FA’s, but they identify early that the partner isn’t secure or just realize something is off. This is where the divergence takes place. The secure will openly communicate with the FA and may give a pass, but leave if the FA continues the hot and cold behavior. Unfortunately, those secure who feel the reward is greater by staying may end up sliding into the anxious style and losing themselves.
@gretete , that sounds more like a dismissive avoidant dynamic
@@salvomig2368 this is what happened to me
I'm secure and I managed to handle the FA for a few months, I would remain calm and reassuring during their triggering episodes but eventually one night they got pretty mean and I demanding we talk calmly, I refuse to communicate that way. They broke up with me. I let them go. I guess comes a point when boundaries get broken and lack of respect shows up, and it's time to wave goodbye.
My avoidant ex left me as a reaction. She had done it many times before. But we were together over 4 years and one of her deepest fears was being abandoned. So I tried to give space and she’d come back only to repeats the cycle. Unfortunately we didn’t know what we know now after therapy and coaching this time. It’s been a few months and she went from distracting with tinder and trips, now she’s killing herself with work and school. She’s STILL avoiding it all. I’m trying to give her space while also being here for her. She’s very angry last week spoke a few days ago. Just berating me like no other. I responded with “I hear you, but I’m gonna go, I’m not abandoning you, and when you’re ready, come find me I’ll be right here”. What can I do? We really love eachother and we both had attachment issues that we had no idea about. Now we do. So I think we would be just fine. We also said “I hope we find eachother again, we will”. I’m still waiting to for that day while also trying to be comfortable with knowing it may never happen. Is there a moment she’ll just get flooded with emotions about me? In the past my ex had sent memes, or opened her heart randomly. I haven’t got that this time or if I did it was days after she left. Things are just different this time around
❤ dear Katya ! This talk and others on the FA partners is straight on. I have recently experienced a hostile breakup with my GF (seems to be a FA type?) Your talk helped me understand her behavior. I was expressing my needs throughout this relationship - mainly to emotionally connect, commit and better communicate, this eventually made her burst in an angry texting blaming me for “ damaging her” making her feel insecure and for me being unloving etc. she abruptly terminate the relationship…
Thanks for letting me know this video provided you with some understanding. 🙏
I avoided my ex gf for almost three years. She left me twice for different guys. She always poked around but I just remained silent n kept my distance. I tried to move on . We have a daughter so it was hard to avoid the mother. But I managed to keep physical contact almost non existent. The moment I cut the last tie. Which was a shared utility bill. She flew off the hook. I'm not sure if she has a fear of me moving on. Letting me off the leash . Or just felt betrayed by me when I wanted to move on. But for what ever reason. She went on the full attack.
She called the police on me . Made false allegations. Put me in jail. Ran off with my daughter for half a year. Costed me 60k in lawyers. Bashed me online. Ref flagged me at the school. The list goes on.
When I try and make sense of her chaotic actions. The only thing I can think of that might make sense to as why she did this. Is because she didn't want to let go of me, maybe she was hurting so bad that being a victim her self was the only way to numb the pain.
Anyways, the waters are calm again. Still no apology. I don't think I'll ever get one
Borderline personality disorder
Wow this explanation was really great and eye opening for what happened between me and my partner. thank you so much no one has put it this way before and it helps me to feel better about what happened. 💕
Huge gratitude, Katya, it explains my ex's behaviour perfectly and helps me come to terms with what happened...! In your experience, do FAs dumpers - those who work on themselves - ever regret their decision of leaving someone? My ex (bisexual woman with a history of immature and intense relationships) seemed emotionally detached, so I guess the answer would be no.
My therapist thinks my ex has disorganized attachment after talking to her about our relationship/breakup. I'm struggling very hard with the fallout, and it's hard to accept 😢
I'm FA working on becoming secure and most times my hostility surprise me as much as him. It comes when i don't know EXACTLY what's going on and that makes me feel really unsafe. It's really hard to control but I'm better at it cause i know my wounds are being triggered and I'm making up stories so i'm prepared for worst case cenarios. Yeah, it sucks for whoever has to deal with it but it sucks for me just as much...
Yes! My FA was chaotic and sabotaged the relationship. Than I got blamed. He became the victim. Karpman theory.
My FA ex would do the same exact thing. I've even told her that she was sabotaging the relationship over and over, but you're right it's always our fault for THEIR actions
@@PB-md3nt the more research I did.he leans into narcissism and/or personality disorder. Which is all trauma related. Crazy to observe all it. Dr Ramni is really good to listen to. Helped me a lot. Please realize it’s their own thing and they are responsible for it. Sending you strength 🙏
Absolutely! Thank you very much. I’m working very hard letting go and moving on
I know I'm anxious and was with an avoidant. She could turn hot and cold and nothing into something so quickly without warning or a good reason. Even when explaining things to her to make sure she doesn't get the wrong end of the stick, she could somehow bring it up over again. By the end of our last encounter we were both hostile, which I've never been with her, to the point it fueled a big and bad argument that I hate myself for allowing to happen and react to😞
This was spot on for every detail . I want to send him this so bad 😭
Yes, I recognize more and more patterns that I made with her at that time, it has been 39 years now and I still regret that it never worked out with her. I knew at that time that it existed, I have never seen it before. heard of it
This is 100% what happened 2 me. He became hostile. I didn’t kno why. This explains it.
Glad you were able to get some clarity.
Great Video!! It touches on an aspect of the dynamic that I haven't seen covered in this way in other videos on fearful avoidants.
My FA ex broke up saying he was only hurting me, never really deactivated until after almost 2 months after the break up 'cos he showed up twice and was still emotional, then we bumped into each other and had an "argument" and he was completely cold, no emotions (like he switched a button), distant. Then few days later showed up again where and when he knows for sure he can find me and said hi with his hand, passing me with the car. Then we crossed path unintentionally driving home 2 days later, I said Hi and he looked puzzled, stoned or like he has seen a ghost and only replayed with the hand, he can't even speak right now...and then went missing again
My ex went from wanting to get married to hating me for no reason a week later. He ended up doing this pattern for another 2 yrs on off. Always right after things were good.
Oh my goodness. After 5 1/2 years in the most beautiful relationship ever with a FA
- THIS ⬆️ finally explains why he suddenly and totally broke it off.
It has been 8 weeks. I am gutted.
But thank you thank you for this Clarity.
Thank you for your content
You’re welcome!
Spot on, Katya! Thank you for your excellent content.
You’re very welcome! Thanks for watching!
Dated one...he blew up and threatened me and then when I rebuttled he threatened a restraining order and folded me out for weeks..super sad and off putting ... he came around only briefly after that and only to use me ...I was heartbroken for sure.
YES
Do they cheat when they said they did
What can I do to help her out of this. In the past she has deactivated many times and was always thankful that I was there not giving up on her. To be fair I know it may be stringing along but after this time, we’ve both been in therapy and learning about ourselves and our relationship. Help. Anything I can say? Do? To show her and let her feel like I am here no matter how far she pushes me away?
My FA ex is now in complete shutdown, blocked me on everything apart from one method of communication, she’s been doing this for 5 years now, but we always seem to reconnect 4-6months later, what the hell is going on?
Same thing happens to me. It's the push/pull. In my case, and most likely yours, she feels threatened because someone is actually treating them good for the first time in their life. They're scared, and back away thinking you're going to wind up hurting them either physically or mentally. When you back off for awhile, she will come back when she feels that you might have moved on. It's happened to me a couple times, she even told me once she was afraid I would move on when we broke up at that time for ten days.
You'll find out the breakups last longer, and the good times together are shorter. I've finally given up on my FA after she told me last week that she "never wants to talk to me again." Wish granted.
Get rid of that person. Your life will improve considerably. Trust me on this..
@@jessicahitchens6926 Thank you Jessica, it slowly honestly is.
Confusing video lol just rambling
I disagree. There's a lot of insightful things
I really need to book a session!!!! 😢 I have given myself that self compassion ❤ started my own TH-cam channel to just talk out my pain