As much as you love them and care about them. They end up breaking you in pieces and disregard you like you meant nothing to them. Whats sadder? Is they go back chasing emotionally unavailable people.
Glad to be the 100th person to like this lol. Anyways, thats interesting. Why avoidants chase emotionally unavailable people? I never noticed this before. I thought they chase anxious...
@@DZ-jz8bj hey, they dont. We all just get together with people we are attracted to initially. Hardly any attachment theory is applicable until avoidants get their fears triggered. They get with alot of secures too. However, the relationship naturally breaks down quickly with a secure since secure people trigger avoidant fears quickest. And a secure person generally will not put up with an avoidant for very long when they deactivate. An avoidant however will STAY in a relationship very long with toxic people because toxic people are also emotionally unavailable. They will also stay in a long term rs with another avoidant, who is also basically toxic because they are both emotionally unavailable and dont trigger each others fears. Makes sense?
Secure people leave quickly. Anxious people think things will get better if they only give the avoident everything and suppress their own needs. They are takers and there is no you and your thoughts/feelings. There is no emotional intimacy with the avoident. Healthy people will never be accepting of dealing with that.
This is the best explanation of what an avoidant is. I say 'best' because it clearly shows that it has NOTHING to do with the partner, and there is NOTHING the partner can do to make it better.
@@JessicaMartinez-or4pgwe can’t be loved. A lifetime of being used and manipulated, and being punished for any genuine expression of ourselves robs us of our very personhood
I loved my avoidant for what was underneath the magician’s outfit. But I can walk away now, knowing that I tried my best to show him the love he may never had have. I am rewarded with a new love in the form of a man who is more secure and does not have the same guards up. After my advoidant pulled me close and then pushed me away so many times for three years during a long distance romance, I can finally let go with love. His unhealed self is just not what I need to be happy. I did try, and I can sleep peacefully knowing that I tried to love a tragic character like the advoidant magician.
When you realize that all along they have always had love from others, even if just one other. Then you realize that they're faking that they never had love to get love from you because their always the victim.
@@Confessions089they dont register it internally because they perceive that the love isnt real because its love for the magicians cloak, not the underlying person, meaning they feel as if the love isn't going towards their authentic self, so they cant register it properly anymore.
This video broke my heart even more than it already was broken. I want to help her heal these wounds but it is impossible. She pushed me away just at the peak of our relationship. I fear we may forever remain strangers now, but it brings me comfort knowing that she might sometimes reminisce on the beautiful once in-a-lifetime love we shared :,(
I feel you, man. Realising my powerlessness in healing them hurt so much, and all I can hope for is they wake up and finally do it themselves until it's too late
Amazing the hurt these people inflict in their relationships. After two years and two break ups and two engagements, I'm in no contact now again and forever with JMS. It's been very hard, but necessary. To go back, to contact her, is just prolonging the pain. I'm looking forward to renewed mental health and someone appreciating me as much as I do her!!!
As someone who is a fearful avoidant I can tell you this; we can’t be helped or healed, we are honestly people who in most cases never should have been born in the first place. You can’t heal from being an aberration
Why not let her read this text along with this video ? As well as fixing you through understanding her! It's the best and only way in my view for it to work. Grow together ❤
Just got out of a 10 year relationship. The magicians outfit defines her. No matter what i did i couldnt make her feel happy. She was raped for several years when she wad 8 then abandoned by her dad. I was the only real person that was ever there for her. Her parents dont even say happy birthday to her. I did everything i could for her my family even paid for her college and was setting us up for a bright future. Nothing could help make her feel whole again she is going to see a psychiatrist and is now taking sertaline. I hope she finds the peace she is looking for, but im still thankful for what she taught me about myself and helped me get to where i am now. Stronger. Moving on to bigger and better things.
I felt like he was wearing a mask and I told him to take it off because he doesn't need one with me. He broke up with me two days later. That's where he drew the line 😂
At some point, you have to realize that is who he is and what he wants to be until he's ready to change if ever. Then you should realize that you're wasting your time and life is too short for this. I know it sounds cliche, but it is truth.
"I do ALL relationship work, or YOU do all relationship work" Avoidants take roles, they can't share with an equal partner. First they court, but as soon as the other person starts helping out a bit in the courtship, the avoidant stops everything, and lets the other person do exactly all emotional work.
Yeah, with me he came back 4 times. Wrote me essays of how he will change, promises of the future and building a life together and his willingness to do therapy, blah blah blah. Always triggered around the 3 month stage. Became a completely different person as he slow faded each time until the discard. We had an incredible intellectual connection and I've recently started dating others but the way I did things with the DA has become so familiar to me that other's are not measuring up at the moment. I want to hate him and a part of me does but this behaviour is simply not normal, you just have to pity the guy. I think I'm securly attached so I don't really take it personally because I simply do not know what it feels like to hate myself so much to the point of subconciously cyclying through self sabotage. He is now 40 years old, how immature. Healing and realization takes time guys, all the best.
Mine was also 40 and I thought he knew better at that age😂only to realize I was dealing with a very immature grown boy. Trying to have adult conversations with him was like hitting a rock with another rock, a recipe for madness. He’s been trying to cycle back for the third time but I’m like NO SIR, my dignity is more important than trying to keep you, especially when you’re not doing the work.
very true, not any one’s responsibility except their own; and yet relationships and a desire for intimacy beyond self requires another party so to avoid ppl like me who gained an avoidant attachment style really only perpetuates our belief no one would truly accept us or stick by us.
ya know, I do want to say, this is why boundaries are important; if staying clear of ppl with avoidant attachment is necessary for you then by all means; but I also feel like making it such a rule for every one is sad and actually part of the equation that prevents a solution.
@@divinelymoowah6104 boundaries of any sort send avoidants fleeing and discarding people usually. Thats the problem. Ultimately avoidant behaviours are oxymoronic of a healthy relationship, the bulk of the healing lies with avoidant attachers, then the anxious, then lastly the secure. To sustain a relationship with avoidant folks defies the very meaning of connection, and is redundant. You guys don't get the immense flak online just by chance, you get it because your behaviours are extremely, and sometimes permanently damaging to healthy loving people who engaged with you because avoidants often masquerade as secure/anxious attachers at first, ESPECIALLY if people are unaware of attachment theory and do not have the knowledge to make sense of all the little things that pop up that don't present a big enough problem to cut the relationship short. And when emotional intimacy truly builds and people attach, thats when exactly avoidants deactivate.
@@divinelymoowah6104 i have dealt with an avoidant and i almost lost my sanity trying to understand what i did wrong the relationship. He kept using the silent treatment, which in itself is a form of emotional abuse to gain the upper hand in the relationship until i decided to walk away from his life.
@@divinelymoowah6104 No one would stick with you because your inner demon is triggered by your partner. With this setup it is impossible to stay and to help. It's like one of the only cases where your partner actually harms you (and more importantly him/herself) if he tries to stick with you and help you through it. The partner of an avoidant is like a syringe full of heroin to a drug addict. You have to do a big part of the healing process first (with therapy) and afterwards a partner can actually help you heal. It's not because people don't want to stay ( I really tried with my avoidant) it is, that it is impossible (I got discarded) and unhealthy (I never got emotionally abused so hard only recognising it in hindsight, after watching a ton of videos on this matter to help me heal) So Avoid the avoidants at all cost, as long as they are not actively working on themselves (therapy) is a really true statement warning everyone about your inner demons and not a warning about your true personality. I am so sad for people with avoidant attachment style. I wish them all the best and that they will get the help they need! It's an attachment issue made in hell. I wouldn't want my biggest enemy to have it!
The problem is they have first to get to a place where they a forced to reflect. Either bc they just cannot supress their emotions anymore (unlikely) or as you say repeat the cycle of failed relationships so often they literally start to loose their sanity. Currently i am going through a break up with a textbook dismissive avoidant and after 6 weeks of NC i met up with her last weekend to exchange things. She is in complete denial, nearly pressures herself to prove to herself that this was the right choice and treated me like a foreign person. While on the same hand completely acknowledges my personal progress (i lost 20 pounds), and literally told me "my head wanted you so much but my heart did not" (girl WHY the heck dont you ponder 1 sec about this deep internal conflict!?) Its tireing, exhausting and honestly i wouldn't bother any more about dating someone like this. They are definetly not bad ppl (quite the opposite), its not their fault, but it isn't ours either that they just cannot manage their own emotions properly. You can't be your partners therapist.
@@alwaysabiggafish3305 Nope. Immediatly did NC. I was drawn to her bc she was very very very organized in her personal life (much more than i do and like i always wanted to, definetly a topic of my life i fixed and worked on in the recent months) and bc shes genuinely a good person with many positive aspects. Like i said, they are not bad ppl but insanely difficult to get along with properly.
Haha "My head wanted you so much but my heart did not". This is what they serve you to kinda explain to themselves why it didn't work out. These sentences are carefully crafted to deny any responsibility for the situation. Yo, take back your energy and keep it to yourself. You cannot talk it all out to reignite a spark or sth. If they cannot or are not willing to commit to you, you deserve better. Don't turn around. Move on.
Unpopular opinion: as an anxiously attached person it would do you well to try to understand an avoidant attachment person. Then you see the full picture of the anxious /avoidant dance. That the two, no matter what it looks like on the surface, are very hurt individuals. But the good news is both can heal. You just can’t do the healing for them. They must want to heal for themselves first & foremost. Seeing the bigger picture gives you a better chance of developing a secure attachment style. Start seeing people as souls, it helps. 😉
This absolutely breaks my heart for them, but also gives me really good clarity. Thank you. I just went through a breakup with a man that I think has FA but leans DA. I've spent the last almost 2 weeks now trying to make sense of why, on one hand, he seemed to genuinely care about me and then, on the other hand, nitpick at me and break it off one week after telling me I was "everything" he was looking for.
My ex--wife is a dismissive avoidant and an introvert. When I first met her, though, she was very social and I thought that she was somewhat extroverted. Turns out, it's just a facade. She is a social person when she NEEDS to interact with people, but she chooses not to interact with people very often. And thus, her social persona is her protective persona. In reality, she really has no self identity. Essentially, nobody knows who she truly is, not even me, her husband. She is often exhausted. She attempted to meet my needs but it was really just politeness, a performance - she was just being a pleaser, acquiescing, nothing else. Now she's trying to take care of herself, meet her own needs. She wears makeup for herself. After years of asking her to take care of herself or exercise she finally did so but not until she wanted to separate. And she truly doesn't see anything that she's doing wrong. It's odd because she herself believes that a relationship is two people who don't actually need each other but just "add value". In other words, she meets her own needs, her partner meets their own needs.
I have no strong feelings that this absolutely right, but in my experience "I want you, I dont need you" *is* healthy attachment. I believe relationships work best when both people can acknowledge that they're replaceable AND have the confidence to believe it would be a downgrade. I like this advice because it helps both kinds of person to stay in balance. If you are so indispenseable to your partner that it would be unreasonable to expect another human being to do what you're doing for your partner, you need more self respect. If on the other hand almost anyone else would do the same, you're probably more selfish in your relationship than you want to admit to yourself. Humans are afterall biased to view our own efforts benevolently. And if "average" is your most benevolent take, you are probably under performing average. And on the other foot because we've run out of hands, if you think you are the only person in the world who would love your partner still, you are almost guaranteed to already hate your partner for one reason or another. So leave.
Dear Chris, this is one of the most dramatic, intense and poetic explanations of avoidant' inner drama. I want to thank you for all your efforts and useful but in the same time beautiful videos you make for the world. I wish the man with this vision a victory over his own fears of vulnerbility, I wish all avoidants to let go and let love comes in and save them. This was so sad to watch. God bless you!❤
Chris, an idea for your next vid. Explain how the “ick” works in an avoidant. How they can manage to bury their feelings and love they had for their partner. It’s something that amazes me beyond belief and I think many others would also appreciate.
@@susannahpearethcan5ing in a way it’s like narcissism, it’s the replacement of the real person they were with a constructed identity they needed to survive. The difference is it’s not ego-driven, it’s survival-driven.
@@brownell.landrum how do you know that and why are your trying to dehumanize people with these issues. I notice that anytime women don' get treated the way they want or loved the way they want there is something wrong with the man, he is psycho or narcissist or just not human. What right do you have to say someone can't love? Only because of your experience? And this is not even that "serious" most people are struggling in relationships, we have unrealistic expectations, or no boundaries, no confidence.. it is not always the other person even though it hurts, we also need to take responsibility for the way we act think and talk
When youre in a push pull it all depends on your resilience to that. "I want you around all the time", now "I need space", "I need you to be vulnerable", your feelings trigger them. Then the emotional reasoning they perpetrate. "I can't be what you need" when in fact your needs are them to be congruent with their words consistently. Secure attachment turns into anxious attachment, and I for one chose to end the cycle. I for one have done the work, and felt myself being pulled back into anxiety. I ended it before it reached the point of rupture for them for my own well-being.
So proud of you. I too ended it and the icing on the cake was when he texted " I need a snuggle buddy " and hadn't heard from him since July. I knew that text was sent accidentally and I blocked 🚫 him immediately. I don't like ghosting ,but today I had peace
Preach this. I thought I was super anxiously attached while with an avoidant. So I started learning about attachment styles after a common discard. I thought I was the one damaging what we had. After learning a little I started to “work through the relationship” in my head. Figuring out my thought process at the time, what I should of done in the moment and all that. Self reflection is a key part to moving on. Long story short I would say I am also mostly secure (leaning anxious in some situations). Like you said, being in that dynamic I was slowly getting more and more anxious and I was made out to be the bad guy for wanting different things and in my opinion a healthier relationship dynamic. Once I cut it off the amount of relief I felt was insane. I understand people have their own issues and sometimes it can work, but I will happily never date another avoidant ever again 😂😂 Lesson learned
Third time they’ve reached out after two painful periods of having to deal with the heartbreak of them going cold on me. Long periods of unintentional “no contact” I guess has now led to new interest once again. “I miss your cuddles” etc. I will not be fooled again.
@michaelmagyar3041 me too. How long did it take her to try to come back? We were together for 12 years & been through the cycles. Seems like she's starting to come around again but just curious how long they took for you?
@@jamie-r2034 about 2 months the first time and now it’s usually about 2-3 months between her breadcrumbs. I sent her a brief text a week ago telling her to never contact me again and then blocked her. It’s the only way… block and delete them.
Avoidants are narcissistic. Avoid them and run!!!! You deserve better. It’s draining to deal with their trauma. Even if they say “I’m willing to change”. Look at their actions and consistency, never words.
Narcissists do not bond. They might look avoidant or anxious and even having a disorganized attachment style depending of their needs or the mask they choose to wear. They might get use to you as the main supply but that doesn't mean they bond with someone. Narcissists don't bond with anyone.
I had a close friendship with an avoidant person. I think I had an anxious attachment style. I went to therapy. She didn't. Over time the friendship felt worse and worse, feeling gross and draining. I wanted to talk to her about my frustration. What followed was a 6 month breakup where she blamed me for her behavior. She became increasingly more dismissive while never accepting responsibility for how painful her dismissive behavior was. She told me she wants to remain no contact but invited me to reach out to her in the future so she can consider reconnecting. I told her she will never hear from me again.
@@dexteradams6515 bravo. Anxious attachment is way better than avoidant, theres just no comparison for insecure attachments. Accountability, responsibility and willingness to change are on an anxious person's plate. Avoidants? Hell nah. Horrible people with the emotional capacity of a 1 year old
This absolutely clicked with me! It explains why I end up drawing people who want a performance, a fantasy and get frustrated when they never actually see me. A deadly combination. It also explains why I have felt exhausted quickly around groups of people who may have exacting expectations, and why I can't seem to give myself a break and feel guilty for having boundaries. This was incredibly helpful! Thank you!
The dismissive avoidant tricks you into thinking they are normal. They even wear a magicians outfit to play the part of the trickster. Eventually they get tired of their outfit, charade, and find a new one to wear. They toss the outfit away along with their audience. On to the new participant, and the death wheel continues. There, fixed it for you lol
@@salvomig2368 you’re not wrong, they trick you with love bombing, make you think they can love you and are all in this relationship but it’s all an act because once you fall for that charade, it triggers their fears of closeness & engulfment and potentially finding out they’re not this person and they gotta blast before you do but now you’re already attached by this point and have no idea why they want to break up because in your fantasy land things were going good so you thought but it isn’t reality.
I was with an avoidant and she ended up equating all we did all the time we spent into a number of days. No compassion, no sentimental value, in fact she called me emotionally immature. Its really messed up.
I was tired of the avoidant bs so I told him to stop contacting me so he blocked me from messaging me. I blocked him on everything bc I just needed to move on. It’s been a year & I unblocked him bc I do miss him & noticed at some point he unblocked me too. It’s weird how no contact affects them. I’m an FA so I kinda understand but still. I told him if he wanted space he could have it & he said otherwise but his actions spoke louder 🤷🏻♀️
i appreciate your effort to keep helping us, despite how exhausting it must be to keep rehashing the same points and find a new idea to further illuminate us - an anxious attachment struggling on the path to becoming a secure attachment
Who says you have to heal anything ? Being anxious in a relationship with one of these emotionally unavailable avoidant types is a perfectly normal human response and serves as a very strong indicator to get the hell away from that person. Get with the right person and there is no anxiety. If anything you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs. Good luck
@@cspace1234nz The problem is anxious have no boundaries and have a hard time cutting avoidants off. Anxious should definitely work towards secure attachment but more from the point of self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself. in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above. in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that *i* have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, idk why my reply disappeared because i replied before but okay ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself. in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above. in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, i replied to this before and it disappeared ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself. in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above. in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
I enjoy learning the behavior of an Avoidant. It tells me what is me, and what is as the Agressive so I don't get hard on myself. I've secretly wanted this type all along because they "do see" the worth of you as it's also obscured. They are a perfect mirror of what needs to be fixed / adjusted on both sides. When my avoidant comes back, I will be nervous, though I will know how to handle him. He's SO worth it to me.
Just be careful. It's your life and only you know your situation. I'm planning on doing the same but I'm giving her space for right now while focusing on myself.
Very beautifully said, in a poetic way. So basically it's very similar to the concept of the ''imposter syndrome''. The main question is HOW to gradually take this outfit off in real connections... - Maybe the answer is to first see how it feels to feel safe taking the cape off at times in a controlled environment - therapy! with a non-judgemental therapist, maybe this is how healing can begin, very very tiny slow healing of feeling safe for seconds and moments with a therapist who will not leave you after seeing you being your true self in front of them. It will take years for some avoidants, or decades... It will be a much needed miracle that they will also meet the RIGHT super compassionate and evolved and mature partner, tons of patience, maybe a healer type of personality... chances for all of this to happen are not high, and - they might leave her too, leaving her drained of being there for them and getting so little of her needs met in return. It is kind of a mess, we all know that.
@@AABTBS it wont happen. Such healthy emotional responses trigger their fears because they get forced to look inwards when the other person is mature and available. And they will find themselves inadequate and discard the healthy partner first. With another emotilnally unavailable person - they will stay
I am that compassionate loving healer type. I did have an avoidant fall in love with me. I thought he was a diamond in the rough, I thought my compassionate non judgmental love would heal him. It took years, endless gentleness. But in the end, even though he had opened his heart, his capacity to love was limited and childlike and self centered. Sometimes he was sweet and affectionate but only when he was in the mood to be, especially when I was letting him be lazy and making very few normal adult demands on him (for example: be consistent in your financial contributions, do chores once in awhile, etc). As soon as any real expectations were in place, and I’d express my frustration over lack of accountability, he would get triggered and avoid his feelings with weed and withhold sex. It became codependent and toxic and I left with no regrets. Only regret was to think I could foolishly love someone into healing. They have to want to grow and work on themselves. So please be aware, even if they do start to love, it’s not necessarily going to be in a mature adult way. I walked away and learned much.
This makes so much sense! My ex always said that his fear was that I’d realize that he isn’t as great as I thought he was and I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him that prob was never going to happen and it was an irrational fear but he did the pull away and discard before it could happen anyway. So this video really helped me see that maybe he’d been wearing a magician’s outfit all this time and that’s what he meant by he was afraid I’d find out he wasn’t as great as I thought he was because he knew he was putting on a performance all this time. We dated long distance for a year so this could’ve very well just been a facade. I feel like he acted one way on text/phone and a different way in person it was quite confusing and lots of mixed messages all the time.
@@doglover5519 I know right? Looking back it was a lot of surface level minimum effort texts that I thought we were connecting over but you really can only build connection from in person quality time spent together but if they don’t even do that than forget it!
I noticed that avoidants have ZERO sense of time, they challenge destiny all day like they live forever. my avoidant always futurefaked like we have still time and talks about stuff in the past like it happened yesterday. it's so annoying when you want to connect but they know they can put you on hold and you still will be there if nothing else happens and if something happens they dont even make the math to understand they self sabotaged everything can't connect with a new romance interest, because theyre all unhealed cptsd people can't connect with the old one, because they are control freaks who aren't even in control of their own emotions.
This, EXACTLY! They are never in a rush, they even avoid the smallest problems and bury their heads in the sand all the time if it means not talking and facing their partners. It’s so exhausting to deal with them, in the end only resentment keeps growing…
I can relate, and it's so sad. After recovery, I will try to find someone with a secure attachment but I know that is almost impossible. People my age are lonely for a reason.
I once heard someone say that avoidants only live in the past (phantom-ex) or future (love bombing false promises.) To live in the present would force them to confront their current thoughts, feelings and emotions, and most avoidants are not prepared to do that.
This is an interesting observation. I go through periods of avoidance for months due to chronic pain, but I never linked it outright to my sense of time, as a trait common to avoidants. I can pick up a relationship right where it left off, if the other person is willing/able to do the same. In this light, I perceive it as this - when I go into an avoidant phase, time stops. It is like an eternal present where time doesn’t move. I’m trapped in a moment/feeling/reality that is never ending, and for me that reality is physical pain, but for others I assume it can be emotional/psychological trauma. Then, when it is under control, time starts again.
Chris, Thank you! !!! I never was weak, but weep as a baby listening to your in depth narrative to what it truly is to be an avoidant. How can one be mad of who they are and the pain they inflicted? They suffer all their life! And I got redeemed by knowing and understanding Their core wounds and , most importantly, Self, We all have wounds, work on them and heal - with Love for one another!
This is growing and healing. Allowing your emotions. When you do feel all these emotions and go through them, you will be able to call when you need or ask for help, and do the things that were imposible or extremely hard before.
As an anxious, I think we wear sometimes a mask as well, i think i tried to wear the mask of a put together person who has ambitions and ideas for her life and at the same time is emotional and ready to connect emotionally. But then my very emotional nature triggered them and they started to see it as a personal attack, like "oh no my mask fell, now i am my unworthy-never-doing-enough self, i have to run away" and they ran away
Oh, I see myself here, and now in doubt, if my last Text was too good for Himmel, I gave Himmel the nourishing he asked for, maybe too much, maybe too late( a Day later), I have no idea.... got no sign for 10 days
Wow. This is really spot on. The very first I got upset with him, he confessed that he thought about breaking up. You can't tell them anything that they take it as an attack. These ppl need HELP.
Big Chris I’ve been following you for a while. Could we see some videos on dismissive avoidance that are affected by midlife crisis/depression? my wife and girlfriend of over 22 years with three children was doing good till her mom passed. She was able to manage all of her avoidant struggles but when she hit her 40s and her mother passed from cancer and I suspect childhood emotional neglect she ran for the hills separated from me abandon the kids, her job and friends. I’d love some insight on something like that. I continue to pray that the Lord will change her heart and I pray for reconciliation for all of us.
I don’t understand why anyone would keep trying to repair things with an avoidant. It seems like a constant struggle and an inevitable feeling of pain & defeat.
I felt relieved leaving the avoidant because I too, due to him being the way he is molded me in a way to walk on eggshells, modify my moods, people please, remain silent while copping the abuse, and doing everything to self soothe without him picking up on me not being ok. Hell, he would ask when my period was due and then blame me for his anxiety because he was waiting for my hormones to make me a little quiet. They are impossible to make happy, commit, be nice and welcoming. They are hell wrapped up in a body. He sucked the life and sparkle out of me, and it still wasn't enough. Now I get to be me authentically and not worry about a consequence for it
This is exactly what I expirenced for six years now Everytime I come close she said I trigger her and she left,leaving me With grieve. I listen to all your video s and I understand her better. But I slowly understand that rhis is not the life for me even when I still love her very much. Its so strange to see this unfold everytime
No matter how hard you try to speak their language and give them space and understand them until and unless they reflect on their own self it's all waste of effort tbh..been there n m completely destroyed
lol six years - no thanks, i am in my first year and I already know how I will put her through the same emotional hell she did to me if she ever tries to reconnect lol.
@@echokammersurvivor2210 incase if he comes back I'll play the same exact uno reverse card on him .. honeymoon phase nah nah I'll make sure it'll be the hell phase..
@@Samantha-hj9bl I feel you,it destroyed my self worth I put all the effort in her If there was a problem I solved it Car broken I fixed it No money? I payed Everything Maybe I should not say that because I did and gave it With love But when I had a hernia and could not leave the couch she just dissaperd to her girlfriends witch she had a appontmant for a meeting Leaving me all by my self. I was always so confidant,but I m only a shadow of myself there days. She is now under EMDR HYPSNOSE She told me a little bit of her past and it was very sad to hear and as a Leo sign I want to fix al of here problems Leo’s are very loyal But it doesnt matter what you do or did They forget everything in a fee weeks And is you remind her of it…she left. My hart en mind is in a contant stuggel. I have met a lady who want to do everything for me. She is kind smart everything Normally you would be glad to have someone in your life like that And I listen everyday to the NC TH-cam films Otherwise I seek answers and contact her But I learned “sometimes you don t get any answers. I really “suffer” at this moment I cant go and continue With an other woman That i think in couple of months she is back With great story’s about our live and what is going to change and I? I will fall for it again I guess I was in my past a real player Even i was always far about what she could expect from me,I still have broken Many hearts I think its karma now its mine turn to feel the pain. Life is one big lesson. Sorry for my english,it not my native language so I try to write it understandeable Greeting from the netherlands
Honestly, avoidants have a demon, the demon of self hate, and he's an awful one, you were given a vision for a reason, embrace the unconditional love, the love that made its self human, christ will turn that demon like a shadow in the light.. I did
I have a twin flame dismissive avoidant known each other 10 years she normally blocks and ghosts when the energy is too much recently she said she doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore and told me not to speak to her anymore funny she didn’t block over the years she always comes back. She experienced trauma growing up from parents and relationships all kinds of abuse at times I see past her walls and the hurtful things she says or does when she runs. She would come back and say stuff like did you think I didn’t love or care about you. Or would get reminded of me by the universe. I’m not chasing anymore just want this game to stop, she needs help healing from her past pain and trauma
Thank you for sharing the magician’s outfit. It helps me better understand how my partner may be feeling. To an extent don’t we all wear a mask or magician outfit at first? As you get to know the other person, build trust it goes away. I guess it’s the coping skills and self esteem that’s different. How do you let someone know it’s ok to be themselves? We really do only want to love them. It’s ok for both people to not be perfect. We are humans after all.
When we were together I would tell him, I see the real you and that’s who I love. He would get so offended and almost mad at me. I never understood why, until after our break up and discovered he was FA. It’s just heartbreaking to learn how they feel inside. 💔
From someone that got broken up with from a dismissive avoidant. Please, please, try to work on yourselves. I say that in the truest most csring way possible. Not for other people's sake only but for yourselves. You will save ypurself so much hurt if you face the ache sooner and treat it rather than keep getting into relationships and wrecking yourself and tour partner emotionally and potentially in other ways too. Im trying not to hold malice against my avoidant ex and i dont think i do but the hurt he caused was unlike any other. He kept saying we're good, i want to get married and move, i want you to meet my uncle etc.. then all of a sudden nothings okay and everything is wrong at once. I was so confused blaming myself for everything, thinking what else could i have done. Nothing, i did everything i cpuld and i deserved better than that treatment. Please look into yourselves for your sakes and for your future partners sake ❤ I truly loved him
I wish you the best on your healing journey . Thank you for yoir transparency. I can feel how you loved him ,and had the courage to move on. Love conquered hate . Proud of you 👏
Yeah, I proposed and she ran. "I don't love you anymore" but later would say "I still love you" or "I can't hate you" etc. I'm proud to say that I finally got over that hump with the Lord's help. I can self regulate and feel comfortable being alone, though, that internal feeling for validation is still there but I can choose to act on it better now. I'm going to be a completely new man. If she does return, she's getting one more chance but she needs to communicate and do therapy or I won't even consider it.
People have shown me in so many ways that myself is not good enough, so I totally understand the suspicion of anyone who wants to be with me. Seems like something is not right, I just remember all the bullying and remember the freedom to be alone.
Once again REMARKABLE. However This wasn't rally about what the title suggested, but priceless anyway. And, funny synchronicity: this is all sparked by a guy called TIMELY AD. I happen to have just commented an hour ago how TH-cam Ads have changed my life. I made that comment at Rufus Reads it... who specializes in reading Reddit stories! This video, however, was already in my bookmarks since last week. Just watching it now. I have been burned out lately by the whole DA topic but tonight I feel more purpose and clarity than EVER. THANK YOU CHRIS, YOU ROCK Also, chakras.
Subtle adaptability is within healthy interaction. I believe the da has many outfits. Most are uncomfortable to wear. I also believe when they discard and avoid. They are uncomfortable with the garb. Self autonomy allows them to be truly without the HEAVY weight of the outfit. The uncomfortable truth that their own skin is the costume they hate!
My love is an avoidant and sometimes I just want to shake them and say I love you just the way you are. You don’t have to be or do anything for that love!! I know you need your space. I want you to have that. And everything you want in this life. But stop pushing me away. I’m on your side. I’m here when you need me. He seems to think he always has to act a certain way. And all I want is him with the scraggly hair and messy shirt. No James Bond, no John Hamm man’s man. Just him as he is adorably frumpy and nerdy and just so much a beautiful mess. As the missionary kid, I definitely know something about always keeping up appearances. My parents would get irritated because I didn’t want to wear a metaphorical mask. I’m the black sheep and yet still believe in God and go to church. I’m a mess but I own it. I think that is why I draw so many emotionally unavailable men because secretly they want to just say fuck it and be who they really are. Life is too short. Love on those avoidants. They need to be loved just as they are.
You are a blessing. As someone who has dealt with chronic pain for 15 years that makes me go through phases of moderate to severe avoidance, people who stick around and don’t demand my time are saints, whether they are religious or not. I am going on a year now of avoiding everyone in my worst period of pain yet, and this is emotionally hurting my friends, but they know I’ll come back when the pain subsides. They still reach out, and it is great having that security of just being able to slide back into their lives when this period is over. Them reassuring that is so relieving. I may be more unique among avoidants due to my personality disfunction being correspondent to a physical condition, but whatever trauma is causing their avoidance, whether physical or psychological, all avoidants need to be reassured that trust and love will still be there when they decide to open up to the world again.
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I told him I love and accept him for who he is. That was until I caught him in a lie. He went to see his ex and told me he was doing something else. My gut screamed at me as he left. He was acting differently, almost too nice. I couldn't get ahold of him all night and my tummy was in knots. When he came back the next day and he told me he "coincidentally bumped into her", I knew. I could tell by the look on his face as he relived seeing her as he lied to me. He gave himself away by the look on his face. I never received a warm look like that. I only saw his stoic face, and a look of contempt when I asked him to look at me after he and I... I'm out. No second chances. Why allow myself to get hurt again and more deeply? He texted that he misses me. I don't believe him because it was too soon to miss me. another lie. Also, he won't phone. Just text. I told him I'm not reading his texts, he'll have to phone to arrange to pick up his stuff.. Good riddance, good luck and good bye.
Yeah but when I pulled away, my ex got super anxious and started accusing me of sabotaging the relationship with radio silence. Even though I pulled away cause she was being weird, cold, and distant. You’d think an avoidant would like this. But nope, it’s only on their terms.
What a freeaking great video, loved to see the perspective of an avoidants behavior coming from an anxiously attach person. Also the video gave me gamer vibes which i loved. So cool ❤
The difficulty with healing, is seeing how you were so blind and used and question your compass for love and a quality partner. Our culture of dating severely damaged with dating apps, social media ( that the pun “social” you become not social), texting as communication or likes and hearts, gifs etc! So many have poor social skills, poor communication and skip the risk of vulnerability as anyone can fall back on a dating app or social media. I say fuck that we need a quick overhaul, so we have less lonely or single. We all need unconditional love from a human not just the fur baby
I'm an avoidant. If I avoid someone, I'm just not that into them. Yeah when they get over me I (used to, I healed certain things) get upset and want them back, but only out of ego, not love. If they had caved in I would have run again, without exception. People, spare yourself the pain, move the fuck on. That person just does not love you. I've met real love since and would never dream of avoiding it. Because it's fucking RIGHT.
I think I have both attachment styles. In some cases avoidant in some cases anxious. This is helpful thank you. Some people bring out either side. I have trouble understanding which side is the real version of me because I am equally both and both bring me happy and peace.
Chris this video is awesome. Spot on! I have been following you for three years. I have watched 100’s of videos and this is great. But during that time I actually went back to school and became certified as an integrated attachment via coach to add an additional layer to my management of actors. Anyway. Bravo. You do great work . Look forward to connecting
Well it’s mostly not AI. Just some of the images are. The rest is meticulously crafted by myself and my editors. TH-cam had the option to mention if AI was used in the video and I decided to say that it was since technically some of the images are. Figure it’s better to be completely up front about everything!
I literally watched this before bed and woke up with something to say. Lol I dated an avoidant one that I truly loved. I have BPD sooooo we know how I acted. 😂 But I will say this, this metaphor makes since. In a similar way to me there is a “mask” here but the difference between him and I is he’s spent his whole life perfecting it. Where as I’m completely controlled by subconscious mind. Also. In addition to that i believe that avoidance leads back to just as many narcissistic tendencies as someone with a true personality disorder. It’s sad that someone can live there whole life and not even realize the call is coming from inside the house. I believe that if he was more authentic to who he was he would’ve been a much better partner during my episodes. All in all I really hope he finds your content. That he can find some healing he has no connection with father or self confidence. Sometimes I wonder if he even felt worthy of me.. he really rushed a relationship even though I wanted to take it slow…
I just want to know he’s okay. I’ve accepted it’s over and I genuinely just want to make sure he’s doing ok. I don’t know how to get him to talk to me and not just feel empty without him in my life. I loved him so much and was willing to compromise. He was just done didn’t want to talk barely responded to my messages. It’s been 9 months. He ended up blocking me. I am still broken and very very confused but I’m starting to reach the acceptance phase of grief. However, to move on I still need closure and I’m considering trying one more time and then that’s it. I don’t know what to say to gently coax him he’s like a rubix cube. Anyone get any ideas on what to say? Please don’t tell me I already got closure. I didn’t. I would not even bother asking this if I had closure. I have adhd and I want to know he’s okay.
So I guess it's kind of their way of saying there is never closer.... And they leave you with that. I have been in the same situation or I am in the same situation.
To belong comes with a price, to be free comes with a price. Perfection is when to belong has no strings attached and that is not the problem of the avoidant. It’s the problem of the person that the avoidant chose in the first place. This is another subject. It’s almost comparable to tracing an electric current back to its original source. It can be done but is very tedious work.
Really great video, makes a lot of sense. I guess I missed the part about what they hope for when you go no contact though? My experience tells me they hope you reach out. But not too soon, not too often, and not with expectation of response. I gather they don't want to be forgotten, but they don't want to be pestered...it's a fine line. Does that ring true?
Essentially avoidants are F'd up, they should be avoided (irony). We all have our issues but the subscriptions these characters show up with will test the patience of a saint
I think the one I was with had regrets and just when I thought he was back to his "normal" self, the guy I fell in love with, he was worse off then before. As bad I feel for him, I can't go back to someone who disregarded my feelings and I took too much regard for his.
I'm married to an avoidant,. any attempt to improve intimacy of any kind is met from her with irritation, frustration and sometimes even outright fits of rage which result in her telling me how my wanting closeness and connection is a serious problem that I have to either get over or get out. She shows no desire to give a microscopic fraction of affection to keep me. A 15 year long relationship that feels like living with a room mate,.. lonely depressing and unfulfilling,. getting worse with time and I am no longer trying to get closer to her,. just looking forward to dying and no longer having to endure it all.
Dying?? Because of a human being that doesn't love you?? You sure don't love love yourself too. Instead of leaving you prefer to die because you don't want to do the work. Why are you with some one that treats you this way for long? Your freedom is in the answer
So sad 😢😢😢. I learnt about avoidants after a series of ghosting and I tell you I will never get angry at them again or take it personally, now, I look back these people showed signs of trauma. It's so sad 😢. Some of them came back to me months later, it was strange because at that time I didn't understand avoidants, I would have been more open with my arms if I did, I would have told them everything is gonna be okay.
Chris, how come you only tell the stories of an avoidant from the female lens? You never speak from the male perspective of dating an avoidant woman. Please do something for the gents, they're struggling with avoidant women too
I’m so afraid and I just want to do things right. I care for her so much. I realize that I have gone through something similar and I won’t let any of that crap those feelings define me. Because of that, it’s all gone away. I hope she can do the same thing in time. She’s willing to work on her issues and that makes me feel better, but how much longer can I wait?
There is another stage called replacement. I am an avoidant who monkey bars through relationships. I start new ones before I've ended the first. I know it's bad, but I've been doing it my whole life. Sometimes, i feel bad about doing that, but most of the time, i don't feel bad.
Coach we really need an explanation video about Dismissive Avoidants so that we can show it to our Avoidant to help them understand what they're dealing with. My biggest problem is my avoidant wife of 23 years doesnt think anything is wrong with her
I really wanted to comment on the recent video on avoidants, but the comments were off... Im an avoidant. And i started to work on facing my feelings. My shadows. It's painful. But i started it. Esp when my anxiety attacks started because of the pressure build up. I always thought about myself being an anxiously attached person. But ive been an avoidant all my life. I lost someone i cared about deeply. And i truly am changing. But i need some help to face myself. Cuz i have so many questions.
My ex got into a new relationship after 3 months of no contact. She is a dissmissive avoident. She is from another city that is about 8 hours away, but lives in my city now because she is studying her. In the sommerbreak she got with someone else in her hometown. That means most of the year they are gonna be apart, only meeting in the christmas and sommerbreaks. I find it wierd, because I heard from some mutal friends that they met on Tinder and only knew eachother for 3 weeks - 1 months till they got official. Why would she seek for someone new in her old town so its a long distance relationship? Doesnt make sense, espcially that they barely know eachother and its a long distance relationship. She is gonna study at my town for 5 years, so lets say they stay togheter so long. They will barely see eachother, only in the school breaks, and they doesnt even know eachother that well. Can you make a video about avoidents long distance relationships? And also about why they make it offical with someone new that they barely know, when it took so long for us to get togheter (we were bestfriends for a year before getting togheter. And both of us liked eachother she even told me. But took so long to commit)
@@rnbsteenstartherapy, especially focused therapy that deals with intense emotion like DBT or EMDR. And leaning into that terrifying closeness and interdependence until it feels safe
My avoidant wife just turned her back on our marriage and 18 year relationship leaving my kids from a broken home and me feeling lost. I have always known she was avoidant, but any attempts over 18 years for me to try to get her to work on herself or recognise was rebuffed, because naturally they don't face their feelings. There were issues, but ultimately our relationship ended due to her avoidance. Issues were never resolved, including her own addictions.
As much as you love them and care about them. They end up breaking you in pieces and disregard you like you meant nothing to them. Whats sadder? Is they go back chasing emotionally unavailable people.
Glad to be the 100th person to like this lol. Anyways, thats interesting. Why avoidants chase emotionally unavailable people? I never noticed this before. I thought they chase anxious...
@@DZ-jz8bj hey, they dont. We all just get together with people we are attracted to initially. Hardly any attachment theory is applicable until avoidants get their fears triggered. They get with alot of secures too. However, the relationship naturally breaks down quickly with a secure since secure people trigger avoidant fears quickest. And a secure person generally will not put up with an avoidant for very long when they deactivate. An avoidant however will STAY in a relationship very long with toxic people because toxic people are also emotionally unavailable. They will also stay in a long term rs with another avoidant, who is also basically toxic because they are both emotionally unavailable and dont trigger each others fears. Makes sense?
Secure people leave quickly. Anxious people think things will get better if they only give the avoident everything and suppress their own needs. They are takers and there is no you and your thoughts/feelings. There is no emotional intimacy with the avoident. Healthy people will never be accepting of dealing with that.
Exactly they are not worth it. The woman that lied and cheated on me I would never take her back.
@johndoe8that is the saddest thing 923-k2d
This is the best explanation of what an avoidant is. I say 'best' because it clearly shows that it has NOTHING to do with the partner, and there is NOTHING the partner can do to make it better.
Yea it's literally a cancer.
Thx for this comment.
From someone who has loved of one these people dearly
Don’t be afraid to take the cloak off. We don’t wanna love a facade. We want to love YOU.
you are a beautiful gentle soul 🥰💝 I appreciate the love you’re choosing to share and extend to the rest of us along our journey
They don’t want to be loved ..as per my experience with an avoidant
How could you love someone you never really knew?
@@JessicaMartinez-or4pgwe can’t be loved. A lifetime of being used and manipulated, and being punished for any genuine expression of ourselves robs us of our very personhood
@@michaeladams6154 they take it off sometimes
I loved my avoidant for what was underneath the magician’s outfit. But I can walk away now, knowing that I tried my best to show him the love he may never had have.
I am rewarded with a new love in the form of a man who is more secure and does not have the same guards up.
After my advoidant pulled me close and then pushed me away so many times for three years during a long distance romance, I can finally let go with love. His unhealed self is just not what I need to be happy. I did try, and I can sleep peacefully knowing that I tried to love a tragic character like the advoidant magician.
Good for you. 🎉 hoping the rest of us catch the same train 😊
When you realize that all along they have always had love from others, even if just one other. Then you realize that they're faking that they never had love to get love from you because their always the victim.
@@Confessions089they dont register it internally because they perceive that the love isnt real because its love for the magicians cloak, not the underlying person, meaning they feel as if the love isn't going towards their authentic self, so they cant register it properly anymore.
How do you meet people after?
This video broke my heart even more than it already was broken. I want to help her heal these wounds but it is impossible. She pushed me away just at the peak of our relationship. I fear we may forever remain strangers now, but it brings me comfort knowing that she might sometimes reminisce on the beautiful once in-a-lifetime love we shared :,(
Me too 😢
I feel you, man. Realising my powerlessness in healing them hurt so much, and all I can hope for is they wake up and finally do it themselves until it's too late
Amazing the hurt these people inflict in their relationships. After two years and two break ups and two engagements, I'm in no contact now again and forever with JMS. It's been very hard, but necessary. To go back, to contact her, is just prolonging the pain. I'm looking forward to renewed mental health and someone appreciating me as much as I do her!!!
As someone who is a fearful avoidant I can tell you this; we can’t be helped or healed, we are honestly people who in most cases never should have been born in the first place. You can’t heal from being an aberration
Why not let her read this text along with this video ? As well as fixing you through understanding her! It's the best and only way in my view for it to work. Grow together ❤
Just got out of a 10 year relationship. The magicians outfit defines her. No matter what i did i couldnt make her feel happy. She was raped for several years when she wad 8 then abandoned by her dad. I was the only real person that was ever there for her. Her parents dont even say happy birthday to her. I did everything i could for her my family even paid for her college and was setting us up for a bright future. Nothing could help make her feel whole again she is going to see a psychiatrist and is now taking sertaline. I hope she finds the peace she is looking for, but im still thankful for what she taught me about myself and helped me get to where i am now. Stronger. Moving on to bigger and better things.
I felt like he was wearing a mask and I told him to take it off because he doesn't need one with me. He broke up with me two days later. That's where he drew the line 😂
my heart goes out to him but also 😂😭😂
At some point, you have to realize that is who he is and what he wants to be until he's ready to change if ever. Then you should realize that you're wasting your time and life is too short for this. I know it sounds cliche, but it is truth.
😅
😂😂😂
Funny but hurts they need to let us love them
"I do ALL relationship work, or YOU do all relationship work"
Avoidants take roles, they can't share with an equal partner. First they court, but as soon as the other person starts helping out a bit in the courtship, the avoidant stops everything, and lets the other person do exactly all emotional work.
Yeah, with me he came back 4 times. Wrote me essays of how he will change, promises of the future and building a life together and his willingness to do therapy, blah blah blah. Always triggered around the 3 month stage. Became a completely different person as he slow faded each time until the discard. We had an incredible intellectual connection and I've recently started dating others but the way I did things with the DA has become so familiar to me that other's are not measuring up at the moment. I want to hate him and a part of me does but this behaviour is simply not normal, you just have to pity the guy. I think I'm securly attached so I don't really take it personally because I simply do not know what it feels like to hate myself so much to the point of subconciously cyclying through self sabotage. He is now 40 years old, how immature. Healing and realization takes time guys, all the best.
They would rather do anything else other than the work it takes to heal
Mine was also 40 and I thought he knew better at that age😂only to realize I was dealing with a very immature grown boy. Trying to have adult conversations with him was like hitting a rock with another rock, a recipe for madness. He’s been trying to cycle back for the third time but I’m like NO SIR, my dignity is more important than trying to keep you, especially when you’re not doing the work.
Just like their name 'Avoidants' , avoid them at all costs. Its not your responsibilty to deal with their trauma.
very true, not any one’s responsibility except their own; and yet relationships and a desire for intimacy beyond self requires another party so to avoid ppl like me who gained an avoidant attachment style really only perpetuates our belief no one would truly accept us or stick by us.
ya know, I do want to say, this is why boundaries are important; if staying clear of ppl with avoidant attachment is necessary for you then by all means; but I also feel like making it such a rule for every one is sad and actually part of the equation that prevents a solution.
@@divinelymoowah6104 boundaries of any sort send avoidants fleeing and discarding people usually. Thats the problem. Ultimately avoidant behaviours are oxymoronic of a healthy relationship, the bulk of the healing lies with avoidant attachers, then the anxious, then lastly the secure. To sustain a relationship with avoidant folks defies the very meaning of connection, and is redundant. You guys don't get the immense flak online just by chance, you get it because your behaviours are extremely, and sometimes permanently damaging to healthy loving people who engaged with you because avoidants often masquerade as secure/anxious attachers at first, ESPECIALLY if people are unaware of attachment theory and do not have the knowledge to make sense of all the little things that pop up that don't present a big enough problem to cut the relationship short. And when emotional intimacy truly builds and people attach, thats when exactly avoidants deactivate.
@@divinelymoowah6104 i have dealt with an avoidant and i almost lost my sanity trying to understand what i did wrong the relationship. He kept using the silent treatment, which in itself is a form of emotional abuse to gain the upper hand in the relationship until i decided to walk away from his life.
@@divinelymoowah6104 No one would stick with you because your inner demon is triggered by your partner.
With this setup it is impossible to stay and to help. It's like one of the only cases where your partner actually harms you (and more importantly him/herself) if he tries to stick with you and help you through it.
The partner of an avoidant is like a syringe full of heroin to a drug addict.
You have to do a big part of the healing process first (with therapy) and afterwards a partner can actually help you heal.
It's not because people don't want to stay ( I really tried with my avoidant) it is, that it is impossible (I got discarded) and unhealthy (I never got emotionally abused so hard only recognising it in hindsight, after watching a ton of videos on this matter to help me heal)
So Avoid the avoidants at all cost, as long as they are not actively working on themselves (therapy) is a really true statement warning everyone about your inner demons and not a warning about your true personality.
I am so sad for people with avoidant attachment style. I wish them all the best and that they will get the help they need! It's an attachment issue made in hell. I wouldn't want my biggest enemy to have it!
The problem is they have first to get to a place where they a forced to reflect. Either bc they just cannot supress their emotions anymore (unlikely) or as you say repeat the cycle of failed relationships so often they literally start to loose their sanity.
Currently i am going through a break up with a textbook dismissive avoidant and after 6 weeks of NC i met up with her last weekend to exchange things.
She is in complete denial, nearly pressures herself to prove to herself that this was the right choice and treated me like a foreign person.
While on the same hand completely acknowledges my personal progress (i lost 20 pounds), and literally told me "my head wanted you so much but my heart did not" (girl WHY the heck dont you ponder 1 sec about this deep internal conflict!?)
Its tireing, exhausting and honestly i wouldn't bother any more about dating someone like this.
They are definetly not bad ppl (quite the opposite), its not their fault, but it isn't ours either that they just cannot manage their own emotions properly. You can't be your partners therapist.
What drew you to her? That’s something you should explore.
@@jenniferbyrne4567 Very true indeed and very deep ..
Were you trying to explain to her how you can fix things?
@@alwaysabiggafish3305 Nope. Immediatly did NC.
I was drawn to her bc she was very very very organized in her personal life (much more than i do and like i always wanted to, definetly a topic of my life i fixed and worked on in the recent months) and bc shes genuinely a good person with many positive aspects. Like i said, they are not bad ppl but insanely difficult to get along with properly.
Haha "My head wanted you so much but my heart did not". This is what they serve you to kinda explain to themselves why it didn't work out. These sentences are carefully crafted to deny any responsibility for the situation.
Yo, take back your energy and keep it to yourself. You cannot talk it all out to reignite a spark or sth. If they cannot or are not willing to commit to you, you deserve better. Don't turn around. Move on.
I love the silence...it helps me get over people super quick
The more I'm learning and watch videos the more I don't want to go back to him
Unpopular opinion: as an anxiously attached person it would do you well to try to understand an avoidant attachment person. Then you see the full picture of the anxious /avoidant dance. That the two, no matter what it looks like on the surface, are very hurt individuals. But the good news is both can heal. You just can’t do the healing for them. They must want to heal for themselves first & foremost. Seeing the bigger picture gives you a better chance of developing a secure attachment style.
Start seeing people as souls, it helps. 😉
This absolutely breaks my heart for them, but also gives me really good clarity. Thank you. I just went through a breakup with a man that I think has FA but leans DA. I've spent the last almost 2 weeks now trying to make sense of why, on one hand, he seemed to genuinely care about me and then, on the other hand, nitpick at me and break it off one week after telling me I was "everything" he was looking for.
It’s ok take him to therapy
My ex--wife is a dismissive avoidant and an introvert. When I first met her, though, she was very social and I thought that she was somewhat extroverted. Turns out, it's just a facade. She is a social person when she NEEDS to interact with people, but she chooses not to interact with people very often. And thus, her social persona is her protective persona. In reality, she really has no self identity. Essentially, nobody knows who she truly is, not even me, her husband. She is often exhausted. She attempted to meet my needs but it was really just politeness, a performance - she was just being a pleaser, acquiescing, nothing else. Now she's trying to take care of herself, meet her own needs. She wears makeup for herself. After years of asking her to take care of herself or exercise she finally did so but not until she wanted to separate. And she truly doesn't see anything that she's doing wrong. It's odd because she herself believes that a relationship is two people who don't actually need each other but just "add value". In other words, she meets her own needs, her partner meets their own needs.
Ironically and unfortunately men value this highly in society 😢 -from a woman
I have no strong feelings that this absolutely right, but in my experience "I want you, I dont need you" *is* healthy attachment. I believe relationships work best when both people can acknowledge that they're replaceable AND have the confidence to believe it would be a downgrade.
I like this advice because it helps both kinds of person to stay in balance. If you are so indispenseable to your partner that it would be unreasonable to expect another human being to do what you're doing for your partner, you need more self respect. If on the other hand almost anyone else would do the same, you're probably more selfish in your relationship than you want to admit to yourself. Humans are afterall biased to view our own efforts benevolently. And if "average" is your most benevolent take, you are probably under performing average. And on the other foot because we've run out of hands, if you think you are the only person in the world who would love your partner still, you are almost guaranteed to already hate your partner for one reason or another. So leave.
Reading you post is like I’m reading about my husband
Wow. Reading this you are describing my girlfriend. Thanks for the validation.
@@milkphish4122 you're welcome. Better to find this out now than be married for a long time wondering why your relationship is so difficult
Dear Chris, this is one of the most dramatic, intense and poetic explanations of avoidant' inner drama.
I want to thank you for all your efforts and useful but in the same time beautiful videos you make for the world.
I wish the man with this vision a victory over his own fears of vulnerbility, I wish all avoidants to let go and let love comes in and save them. This was so sad to watch.
God bless you!❤
🥰😌👏🏼you’ve a kind soul
Life's too short. Avoid avoidants.
Chris, an idea for your next vid. Explain how the “ick” works in an avoidant. How they can manage to bury their feelings and love they had for their partner. It’s something that amazes me beyond belief and I think many others would also appreciate.
I'm not sure they are actually able to "love."
The can only love that you loved them.
They can't love YOU because it's all about THEM.
@@brownell.landrumalmost narcissistic
@@susannahpearethcan5ing in a way it’s like narcissism, it’s the replacement of the real person they were with a constructed identity they needed to survive. The difference is it’s not ego-driven, it’s survival-driven.
@@brownell.landrum how do you know that and why are your trying to dehumanize people with these issues. I notice that anytime women don' get treated the way they want or loved the way they want there is something wrong with the man, he is psycho or narcissist or just not human. What right do you have to say someone can't love? Only because of your experience? And this is not even that "serious" most people are struggling in relationships, we have unrealistic expectations, or no boundaries, no confidence.. it is not always the other person even though it hurts, we also need to take responsibility for the way we act think and talk
@@Angie.GiGi.Ari.86 Thank you so much for proving you know nothing about Dismissive Avoidants and Attachment Theory!
When youre in a push pull it all depends on your resilience to that. "I want you around all the time", now "I need space", "I need you to be vulnerable", your feelings trigger them. Then the emotional reasoning they perpetrate. "I can't be what you need" when in fact your needs are them to be congruent with their words consistently. Secure attachment turns into anxious attachment, and I for one chose to end the cycle. I for one have done the work, and felt myself being pulled back into anxiety. I ended it before it reached the point of rupture for them for my own well-being.
Same.. literally same situation
So proud of you. I too ended it and the icing on the cake was when he texted " I need a snuggle buddy " and hadn't heard from him since July. I knew that text was sent accidentally and I blocked 🚫 him immediately. I don't like ghosting ,but today I had peace
Preach this.
I thought I was super anxiously attached while with an avoidant. So I started learning about attachment styles after a common discard.
I thought I was the one damaging what we had.
After learning a little I started to “work through the relationship” in my head. Figuring out my thought process at the time, what I should of done in the moment and all that. Self reflection is a key part to moving on.
Long story short I would say I am also mostly secure (leaning anxious in some situations). Like you said, being in that dynamic I was slowly getting more and more anxious and I was made out to be the bad guy for wanting different things and in my opinion a healthier relationship dynamic.
Once I cut it off the amount of relief I felt was insane.
I understand people have their own issues and sometimes it can work, but I will happily never date another avoidant ever again 😂😂
Lesson learned
good on you!! I wish I had done the same, but I suppose it’s a lesson well learned yet again
Third time they’ve reached out after two painful periods of having to deal with the heartbreak of them going cold on me. Long periods of unintentional “no contact” I guess has now led to new interest once again. “I miss your cuddles” etc. I will not be fooled again.
I’m in the exact same situation right now. I want to be open to her but have been burned several times before and cannot and will not do it again.
@michaelmagyar3041 me too. How long did it take her to try to come back? We were together for 12 years & been through the cycles. Seems like she's starting to come around again but just curious how long they took for you?
@@jamie-r2034 about 2 months the first time and now it’s usually about 2-3 months between her breadcrumbs. I sent her a brief text a week ago telling her to never contact me again and then blocked her. It’s the only way… block and delete them.
Avoidants are narcissistic. Avoid them and run!!!! You deserve better. It’s draining to deal with their trauma.
Even if they say “I’m willing to change”. Look at their actions and consistency, never words.
Narcissists do not bond. They might look avoidant or anxious and even having a disorganized attachment style depending of their needs or the mask they choose to wear.
They might get use to you as the main supply but that doesn't mean they bond with someone.
Narcissists don't bond with anyone.
@Lyrielonwind they make you feel like you are bonding until they have successfully gained the resources that they wanted from you. 😊
Not all avoidants are narcissistic
Spot on, sadly.
Most are though, one has to ignore other peoples pain to usr the strategies they do, which is inherently narcissistic
I had a close friendship with an avoidant person. I think I had an anxious attachment style.
I went to therapy.
She didn't.
Over time the friendship felt worse and worse, feeling gross and draining. I wanted to talk to her about my frustration.
What followed was a 6 month breakup where she blamed me for her behavior. She became increasingly more dismissive while never accepting responsibility for how painful her dismissive behavior was. She told me she wants to remain no contact but invited me to reach out to her in the future so she can consider reconnecting.
I told her she will never hear from me again.
@@dexteradams6515 bravo. Anxious attachment is way better than avoidant, theres just no comparison for insecure attachments. Accountability, responsibility and willingness to change are on an anxious person's plate. Avoidants? Hell nah. Horrible people with the emotional capacity of a 1 year old
She sounds delightful. Imagine dating this trainwreck 🤣
This absolutely clicked with me! It explains why I end up drawing people who want a performance, a fantasy and get frustrated when they never actually see me. A deadly combination. It also explains why I have felt exhausted quickly around groups of people who may have exacting expectations, and why I can't seem to give myself a break and feel guilty for having boundaries. This was incredibly helpful! Thank you!
The dismissive avoidant tricks you into thinking they are normal. They even wear a magicians outfit to play the part of the trickster. Eventually they get tired of their outfit, charade, and find a new one to wear. They toss the outfit away along with their audience. On to the new participant, and the death wheel continues.
There, fixed it for you lol
Their next victim😂🎉
I like this explanation. It's fun and informative at the same time.
death wheel,😂😂😂
@@salvomig2368 you’re not wrong, they trick you with love bombing, make you think they can love you and are all in this relationship but it’s all an act because once you fall for that charade, it triggers their fears of closeness & engulfment and potentially finding out they’re not this person and they gotta blast before you do but now you’re already attached by this point and have no idea why they want to break up because in your fantasy land things were going good so you thought but it isn’t reality.
Wtf? Dude is confusing avoidants with narcs lol. Misinformation spreading enjoyer
I was with an avoidant and she ended up equating all we did all the time we spent into a number of days. No compassion, no sentimental value, in fact she called me emotionally immature. Its really messed up.
I was tired of the avoidant bs so I told him to stop contacting me so he blocked me from messaging me. I blocked him on everything bc I just needed to move on. It’s been a year & I unblocked him bc I do miss him & noticed at some point he unblocked me too. It’s weird how no contact affects them. I’m an FA so I kinda understand but still. I told him if he wanted space he could have it & he said otherwise but his actions spoke louder 🤷🏻♀️
i appreciate your effort to keep helping us, despite how exhausting it must be to keep rehashing the same points and find a new idea to further illuminate us
- an anxious attachment struggling on the path to becoming a secure attachment
Who says you have to heal anything ?
Being anxious in a relationship with one of these emotionally unavailable avoidant types is a perfectly normal human response and serves as a very strong indicator to get the hell away from that person.
Get with the right person and there is no anxiety. If anything you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs. Good luck
@@cspace1234nz The problem is anxious have no boundaries and have a hard time cutting avoidants off. Anxious should definitely work towards secure attachment but more from the point of self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself.
in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above.
in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that *i* have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, idk why my reply disappeared because i replied before but okay ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]
thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself.
in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above.
in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
@@cspace1234nz [weird, i replied to this before and it disappeared ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]
thank you, i appreciate your compassion to not see the fault in the anxious attachment, but i'll have to agree with you AND the comment below (brennam954). please do not feel worried that my ambition to become a secure attachment is motivated by shame or disappointment with myself or the need to heal myself.
in agreement with you, yes i do think that between me, the anxious and the avoidant, it is most likely the avoidant who has more work to do. anxious attachers have the benefit of wanting to fix the problem and have the courage to face issues head-on. i respect that in myself and our fellow anxious attachers. anxious attachers also have the benefit that they are more likely to see the fault in themselves and blame themselves for the relationship falling apart whereas the avoidant is more likely to choose blissful ignorance and deflect blame onto the other. avoidants are typically the ones that i would classify as the cowards between the two of us, as they frequently "solve" problems by sweeping them under the rug, pretending it never happened, running away altogether, or all of the above.
in agreement with brennam, i do believe that when i look back, i really do need to know when ive had enough. like seriously, i have teach myself that i have the right to draw the line. as you stated, "If anything, you might look at why you felt the need to get with someone who cannot and will not meet your basic needs", which i believe is along my path to developing a secure attachment. adapting the No Contact rule is also another tool i need on the path to becoming a secure attachment, but its about the hardest tool i will have to learn in my life. its against my nature to leave people on Read, especially when ive learned (the hard way) many of the moral principles that govern my life. now im training myself to act against one of those principles for the sake of, as stated perfectly by brennam954 below, healthy self-preservation.
I enjoy learning the behavior of an Avoidant. It tells me what is me, and what is as the Agressive so I don't get hard on myself. I've secretly wanted this type all along because they "do see" the worth of you as it's also obscured. They are a perfect mirror of what needs to be fixed / adjusted on both sides. When my avoidant comes back, I will be nervous, though I will know how to handle him. He's SO worth it to me.
Just be careful. It's your life and only you know your situation. I'm planning on doing the same but I'm giving her space for right now while focusing on myself.
This is a great video but didn’t really answer the title of the video. What do avoidants hope for during no contact?
He avoided answering the question
to take off the cape they wear, obviously
Very beautifully said, in a poetic way. So basically it's very similar to the concept of the ''imposter syndrome''.
The main question is HOW to gradually take this outfit off in real connections... -
Maybe the answer is to first see how it feels to feel safe taking the cape off at times in a controlled environment - therapy!
with a non-judgemental therapist, maybe this is how healing can begin, very very tiny slow healing of feeling safe for seconds and moments with a therapist who will not leave you after seeing you being your true self in front of them.
It will take years for some avoidants, or decades...
It will be a much needed miracle that they will also meet the RIGHT super compassionate and evolved and mature partner, tons of patience, maybe a healer type of personality... chances for all of this to happen are not high, and - they might leave her too, leaving her drained of being there for them and getting so little of her needs met in return.
It is kind of a mess, we all know that.
@@AABTBS it wont happen. Such healthy emotional responses trigger their fears because they get forced to look inwards when the other person is mature and available. And they will find themselves inadequate and discard the healthy partner first. With another emotilnally unavailable person - they will stay
I am that compassionate loving healer type. I did have an avoidant fall in love with me. I thought he was a diamond in the rough, I thought my compassionate non judgmental love would heal him. It took years, endless gentleness. But in the end, even though he had opened his heart, his capacity to love was limited and childlike and self centered. Sometimes he was sweet and affectionate but only when he was in the mood to be, especially when I was letting him be lazy and making very few normal adult demands on him (for example: be consistent in your financial contributions, do chores once in awhile, etc). As soon as any real expectations were in place, and I’d express my frustration over lack of accountability, he would get triggered and avoid his feelings with weed and withhold sex. It became codependent and toxic and I left with no regrets. Only regret was to think I could foolishly love someone into healing. They have to want to grow and work on themselves. So please be aware, even if they do start to love, it’s not necessarily going to be in a mature adult way. I walked away and learned much.
This makes so much sense! My ex always said that his fear was that I’d realize that he isn’t as great as I thought he was and I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him that prob was never going to happen and it was an irrational fear but he did the pull away and discard before it could happen anyway. So this video really helped me see that maybe he’d been wearing a magician’s outfit all this time and that’s what he meant by he was afraid I’d find out he wasn’t as great as I thought he was because he knew he was putting on a performance all this time. We dated long distance for a year so this could’ve very well just been a facade. I feel like he acted one way on text/phone and a different way in person it was quite confusing and lots of mixed messages all the time.
Yes!!! Same thing happened to me. I don't even think I really know him now???
@@doglover5519 I know right? Looking back it was a lot of surface level minimum effort texts that I thought we were connecting over but you really can only build connection from in person quality time spent together but if they don’t even do that than forget it!
@@ShopgirlNY182 Same with long distance and different in person than phone and text, especially at the beginning
Exactly happened to me! On the phone was great but when we met in person, he was so different. I was so confused
I noticed that avoidants have ZERO sense of time, they challenge destiny all day like they live forever.
my avoidant always futurefaked like we have still time and talks about stuff in the past like it happened yesterday.
it's so annoying when you want to connect but they know they can put you on hold and you still will be there if nothing else happens
and if something happens they dont even make the math to understand they self sabotaged everything
can't connect with a new romance interest, because theyre all unhealed cptsd people
can't connect with the old one, because they are control freaks who aren't even in control of their own emotions.
This, EXACTLY! They are never in a rush, they even avoid the smallest problems and bury their heads in the sand all the time if it means not talking and facing their partners. It’s so exhausting to deal with them, in the end only resentment keeps growing…
I can relate with this so so much
I can relate, and it's so sad. After recovery, I will try to find someone with a secure attachment but I know that is almost impossible. People my age are lonely for a reason.
I once heard someone say that avoidants only live in the past (phantom-ex) or future (love bombing false promises.) To live in the present would force them to confront their current thoughts, feelings and emotions, and most avoidants are not prepared to do that.
This is an interesting observation. I go through periods of avoidance for months due to chronic pain, but I never linked it outright to my sense of time, as a trait common to avoidants. I can pick up a relationship right where it left off, if the other person is willing/able to do the same. In this light, I perceive it as this - when I go into an avoidant phase, time stops. It is like an eternal present where time doesn’t move. I’m trapped in a moment/feeling/reality that is never ending, and for me that reality is physical pain, but for others I assume it can be emotional/psychological trauma. Then, when it is under control, time starts again.
I was a FA
It took me 10 years…. But I healed. I did it not someone else.
Chris, Thank you! !!! I never was weak, but weep as a baby listening to your in depth narrative to what it truly is to be an avoidant. How can one be mad of who they are and the pain they inflicted? They suffer all their life! And I got redeemed by knowing and understanding Their core wounds and , most importantly, Self, We all have wounds, work on them and heal - with Love for one another!
This is growing and healing. Allowing your emotions. When you do feel all these emotions and go through them, you will be able to call when you need or ask for help, and do the things that were imposible or extremely hard before.
As an anxious, I think we wear sometimes a mask as well, i think i tried to wear the mask of a put together person who has ambitions and ideas for her life and at the same time is emotional and ready to connect emotionally. But then my very emotional nature triggered them and they started to see it as a personal attack, like "oh no my mask fell, now i am my unworthy-never-doing-enough self, i have to run away" and they ran away
Oh, I see myself here, and now in doubt, if my last Text was too good for Himmel, I gave Himmel the nourishing he asked for, maybe too much, maybe too late( a Day later),
I have no idea.... got no sign for 10 days
Sounds like fearful avoidant
Wow. This is really spot on. The very first I got upset with him, he confessed that he thought about breaking up. You can't tell them anything that they take it as an attack. These ppl need HELP.
Big Chris I’ve been following you for a while. Could we see some videos on dismissive avoidance that are affected by midlife crisis/depression? my wife and girlfriend of over 22 years with three children was doing good till her mom passed. She was able to manage all of her avoidant struggles but when she hit her 40s and her mother passed from cancer and I suspect childhood emotional neglect she ran for the hills separated from me abandon the kids, her job and friends. I’d love some insight on something like that. I continue to pray that the Lord will change her heart and I pray for reconciliation for all of us.
they're exhausted from people pleasing and not the one they know they should be giving attention to🤣
AKA 304s
@@CitiesOfAshThey are just players😂🎉
@@777-h6nwhat's with the party emoji?
They’re players for real
I don’t understand why anyone would keep trying to repair things with an avoidant. It seems like a constant struggle and an inevitable feeling of pain & defeat.
Hope springs eternal
I felt relieved leaving the avoidant because I too, due to him being the way he is molded me in a way to walk on eggshells, modify my moods, people please, remain silent while copping the abuse, and doing everything to self soothe without him picking up on me not being ok. Hell, he would ask when my period was due and then blame me for his anxiety because he was waiting for my hormones to make me a little quiet. They are impossible to make happy, commit, be nice and welcoming. They are hell wrapped up in a body. He sucked the life and sparkle out of me, and it still wasn't enough. Now I get to be me authentically and not worry about a consequence for it
Resonate so much with this!
@ I’m sorry you do xx it’s a horrid thing to go through xx
This is exactly what I expirenced for six years now
Everytime I come close she said I trigger her and she left,leaving me With grieve.
I listen to all your video s and I understand her better.
But I slowly understand that rhis is not the life for me even when I still love her very much.
Its so strange to see this unfold everytime
No matter how hard you try to speak their language and give them space and understand them until and unless they reflect on their own self it's all waste of effort tbh..been there n m completely destroyed
lol six years - no thanks, i am in my first year and I already know how I will put her through the same emotional hell she did to me if she ever tries to reconnect lol.
@@echokammersurvivor2210 incase if he comes back I'll play the same exact uno reverse card on him .. honeymoon phase nah nah I'll make sure it'll be the hell phase..
@@Samantha-hj9bl wish you good luck that he tries to reconnect soon, grey rocking this like a boss
@@Samantha-hj9bl I feel you,it destroyed my self worth
I put all the effort in her
If there was a problem I solved it
Car broken I fixed it
No money?
I payed Everything
Maybe I should not say that because I did and gave it With love
But when I had a hernia and could not leave the couch she just dissaperd to her girlfriends witch she had a appontmant for a meeting
Leaving me all by my self.
I was always so confidant,but I m only a shadow of myself there days.
She is now under EMDR HYPSNOSE
She told me a little bit of her past and it was very sad to hear and as a Leo sign I want to fix al of here problems
Leo’s are very loyal
But it doesnt matter what you do or did
They forget everything in a fee weeks
And is you remind her of it…she left.
My hart en mind is in a contant stuggel.
I have met a lady who want to do everything for me.
She is kind smart everything
Normally you would be glad to have someone in your life like that
And I listen everyday to the NC TH-cam films
Otherwise I seek answers and contact her
But I learned “sometimes you don t get any answers.
I really “suffer” at this moment
I cant go and continue With an other woman
That i think in couple of months she is back With great story’s about our live and what is going to change and I?
I will fall for it again I guess
I was in my past a real player
Even i was always far about what she could expect from me,I still have broken Many hearts
I think its karma now its mine turn to feel the pain.
Life is one big lesson.
Sorry for my english,it not my native language so I try to write it understandeable
Greeting from the netherlands
Honestly, avoidants have a demon, the demon of self hate, and he's an awful one, you were given a vision for a reason, embrace the unconditional love, the love that made its self human, christ will turn that demon like a shadow in the light.. I did
@@macdavy70 tell us more what did you do to turn it around ?
@@beIETian Turn to Christ
I will continue to pray for my husband.
Unconditional love does not exist. It's delusional on the face of it.
@@seapeajones it is the most fundamental thing in reality, we exist because of it
I have a twin flame dismissive avoidant known each other 10 years she normally blocks and ghosts when the energy is too much recently she said she doesn’t want to be part of my life anymore and told me not to speak to her anymore funny she didn’t block over the years she always comes back. She experienced trauma growing up from parents and relationships all kinds of abuse at times I see past her walls and the hurtful things she says or does when she runs. She would come back and say stuff like did you think I didn’t love or care about you. Or would get reminded of me by the universe. I’m not chasing anymore just want this game to stop, she needs help healing from her past pain and trauma
You need to have inner union. That will strengthen the third Divine golden and blue energy that is your connection and help you both heal.
Sounds like she does need trauma based therapy
Thank you for sharing the magician’s outfit. It helps me better understand how my partner may be feeling. To an extent don’t we all wear a mask or magician outfit at first? As you get to know the other person, build trust it goes away. I guess it’s the coping skills and self esteem that’s different. How do you let someone know it’s ok to be themselves? We really do only want to love them. It’s ok for both people to not be perfect. We are humans after all.
When we were together I would tell him, I see the real you and that’s who I love. He would get so offended and almost mad at me. I never understood why, until after our break up and discovered he was FA. It’s just heartbreaking to learn how they feel inside. 💔
From someone that got broken up with from a dismissive avoidant. Please, please, try to work on yourselves. I say that in the truest most csring way possible. Not for other people's sake only but for yourselves. You will save ypurself so much hurt if you face the ache sooner and treat it rather than keep getting into relationships and wrecking yourself and tour partner emotionally and potentially in other ways too. Im trying not to hold malice against my avoidant ex and i dont think i do but the hurt he caused was unlike any other. He kept saying we're good, i want to get married and move, i want you to meet my uncle etc.. then all of a sudden nothings okay and everything is wrong at once. I was so confused blaming myself for everything, thinking what else could i have done. Nothing, i did everything i cpuld and i deserved better than that treatment. Please look into yourselves for your sakes and for your future partners sake ❤ I truly loved him
I feel you 😢 so true.... Your lines made me cry. Same here....
I wish you the best on your healing journey . Thank you for yoir transparency. I can feel how you loved him ,and had the courage to move on. Love conquered hate . Proud of you 👏
Yeah, I proposed and she ran. "I don't love you anymore" but later would say "I still love you" or "I can't hate you" etc. I'm proud to say that I finally got over that hump with the Lord's help. I can self regulate and feel comfortable being alone, though, that internal feeling for validation is still there but I can choose to act on it better now. I'm going to be a completely new man. If she does return, she's getting one more chance but she needs to communicate and do therapy or I won't even consider it.
People have shown me in so many ways that myself is not good enough, so I totally understand the suspicion of anyone who wants to be with me. Seems like something is not right, I just remember all the bullying and remember the freedom to be alone.
Once again REMARKABLE. However This wasn't rally about what the title suggested, but priceless anyway.
And, funny synchronicity: this is all sparked by a guy called TIMELY AD. I happen to have just commented an hour ago how TH-cam Ads have changed my life. I made that comment at Rufus Reads it... who specializes in reading Reddit stories!
This video, however, was already in my bookmarks since last week. Just watching it now. I have been burned out lately by the whole DA topic but tonight I feel more purpose and clarity than EVER. THANK YOU CHRIS, YOU ROCK
Also, chakras.
After 3 years with an avoidant (or a narcissist )
I weirdly very well understood the concept of the magician suit
Things get better as you simplify presentation. Well done!
Subtle adaptability is within healthy interaction. I believe the da has many outfits. Most are uncomfortable to wear. I also believe when they discard and avoid. They are uncomfortable with the garb. Self autonomy allows them to be truly without the HEAVY weight of the outfit. The uncomfortable truth that their own skin is the costume they hate!
Where does the immediate rebound fit in there?
this is such a well done video, i like the illustrations.
My love is an avoidant and sometimes I just want to shake them and say I love you just the way you are. You don’t have to be or do anything for that love!! I know you need your space. I want you to have that. And everything you want in this life. But stop pushing me away. I’m on your side. I’m here when you need me.
He seems to think he always has to act a certain way. And all I want is him with the scraggly hair and messy shirt. No James Bond, no John Hamm man’s man. Just him as he is adorably frumpy and nerdy and just so much a beautiful mess. As the missionary kid, I definitely know something about always keeping up appearances. My parents would get irritated because I didn’t want to wear a metaphorical mask. I’m the black sheep and yet still believe in God and go to church. I’m a mess but I own it. I think that is why I draw so many emotionally unavailable men because secretly they want to just say fuck it and be who they really are. Life is too short. Love on those avoidants. They need to be loved just as they are.
Good!!! Wish you follow that path with love and strengh and him!
But you also deserve to be wanted in loved....
Gosh, I feel the same! also wanted to shake them and that I am here, why are you throwing everything into the trash?
You are a blessing. As someone who has dealt with chronic pain for 15 years that makes me go through phases of moderate to severe avoidance, people who stick around and don’t demand my time are saints, whether they are religious or not. I am going on a year now of avoiding everyone in my worst period of pain yet, and this is emotionally hurting my friends, but they know I’ll come back when the pain subsides. They still reach out, and it is great having that security of just being able to slide back into their lives when this period is over. Them reassuring that is so relieving. I may be more unique among avoidants due to my personality disfunction being correspondent to a physical condition, but whatever trauma is causing their avoidance, whether physical or psychological, all avoidants need to be reassured that trust and love will still be there when they decide to open up to the world again.
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I promise you will not regret it.
I told him I love and accept him for who he is. That was until I caught him in a lie. He went to see his ex and told me he was doing something else. My gut screamed at me as he left. He was acting differently, almost too nice.
I couldn't get ahold of him all night and my tummy was in knots.
When he came back the next day and he told me he "coincidentally bumped into her", I knew. I could tell by the look on his face as he relived seeing her as he lied to me. He gave himself away by the look on his face. I never received a warm look like that. I only saw his stoic face, and a look of contempt when I asked him to look at me after he and I...
I'm out. No second chances. Why allow myself to get hurt again and more deeply?
He texted that he misses me. I don't believe him because it was too soon to miss me. another lie.
Also, he won't phone. Just text. I told him I'm not reading his texts, he'll have to phone to arrange to pick up his stuff..
Good riddance, good luck and good bye.
Break up?? That sounds NICE - I got GHOSTED 👻 1ST time ever 😔
Same here
Currently receiving the silent treatment. I have anxious attachment style, but I refuse to contact him! Too old for this nonsense…
i am sorry to hear that.
Yeah but when I pulled away, my ex got super anxious and started accusing me of sabotaging the relationship with radio silence. Even though I pulled away cause she was being weird, cold, and distant. You’d think an avoidant would like this. But nope, it’s only on their terms.
Yes it is only one way.
Yep - selfish people - it’s only on their terms only as to when they want to have distance etc. Emotional vampires
@@petitcoeur-q6r control freaks as well
What a freeaking great video, loved to see the perspective of an avoidants behavior coming from an anxiously attach person.
Also the video gave me gamer vibes which i loved. So cool ❤
The difficulty with healing, is seeing how you were so blind and used and question your compass for love and a quality partner. Our culture of dating severely damaged with dating apps, social media ( that the pun “social” you become not social), texting as communication or likes and hearts, gifs etc! So many have poor social skills, poor communication and skip the risk of vulnerability as anyone can fall back on a dating app or social media. I say fuck that we need a quick overhaul, so we have less lonely or single. We all need unconditional love from a human not just the fur baby
How do people survive like this?
Avood death? 😅
Is there a connection between avoidance and autism?
I'm an avoidant.
If I avoid someone, I'm just not that into them.
Yeah when they get over me I (used to, I healed certain things) get upset and want them back, but only out of ego, not love.
If they had caved in I would have run again, without exception.
People, spare yourself the pain, move the fuck on. That person just does not love you.
I've met real love since and would never dream of avoiding it. Because it's fucking RIGHT.
I think I have both attachment styles. In some cases avoidant in some cases anxious. This is helpful thank you. Some people bring out either side. I have trouble understanding which side is the real version of me because I am equally both and both bring me happy and peace.
Sjoe, I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Chris this video is awesome. Spot on! I have been following you for three years. I have watched 100’s of videos and this is great. But during that time I actually went back to school and became certified as an integrated attachment via coach to add an additional layer to my management of actors. Anyway. Bravo. You do great work . Look forward to connecting
Chris what AI do you use for making these videos? Your quality has improved immensely
Well it’s mostly not AI. Just some of the images are. The rest is meticulously crafted by myself and my editors. TH-cam had the option to mention if AI was used in the video and I decided to say that it was since technically some of the images are. Figure it’s better to be completely up front about everything!
I don't know how to get over someone who has this...I'm so heart broken :(
I literally watched this before bed and woke up with something to say. Lol I dated an avoidant one that I truly loved. I have BPD sooooo we know how I acted. 😂 But I will say this, this metaphor makes since. In a similar way to me there is a “mask” here but the difference between him and I is he’s spent his whole life perfecting it. Where as I’m completely controlled by subconscious mind. Also. In addition to that i believe that avoidance leads back to just as many narcissistic tendencies as someone with a true personality disorder. It’s sad that someone can live there whole life and not even realize the call is coming from inside the house. I believe that if he was more authentic to who he was he would’ve been a much better partner during my episodes. All in all I really hope he finds your content. That he can find some healing he has no connection with father or self confidence. Sometimes I wonder if he even felt worthy of me.. he really rushed a relationship even though I wanted to take it slow…
I just want to know he’s okay. I’ve accepted it’s over and I genuinely just want to make sure he’s doing ok. I don’t know how to get him to talk to me and not just feel empty without him in my life. I loved him so much and was willing to compromise. He was just done didn’t want to talk barely responded to my messages. It’s been 9 months. He ended up blocking me. I am still broken and very very confused but I’m starting to reach the acceptance phase of grief. However, to move on I still need closure and I’m considering trying one more time and then that’s it. I don’t know what to say to gently coax him he’s like a rubix cube.
Anyone get any ideas on what to say? Please don’t tell me I already got closure. I didn’t. I would not even bother asking this if I had closure.
I have adhd and I want to know he’s okay.
He will be ok, but I can understand you so well!!
Don't worry girl when I asked my avoidant if this is the finish line he insert there is never a finished line...
So I guess it's kind of their way of saying there is never closer.... And they leave you with that. I have been in the same situation or I am in the same situation.
@@Any66134 so its a way of keeping the door open ? it seems pretty final to me to be blocked etc. i just am shocked theres still nothing
I guess, the only way to reach out is a slighty light one, ghost emoji or so. He seems to be in a total different mood at the moment.
Doesn’t an avoidant erase snd avoid Stage 7 and 8 by immediately starting a relationship with someone new?
Love the music choices in your videos
To belong comes with a price, to be free comes with a price. Perfection is when to belong has no strings attached and that is not the problem of the avoidant. It’s the problem of the person that the avoidant chose in the first place. This is another subject. It’s almost comparable to tracing an electric current back to its original source. It can be done but is very tedious work.
Avoidants should be a title. AVOID THEM
Really great video, makes a lot of sense. I guess I missed the part about what they hope for when you go no contact though?
My experience tells me they hope you reach out. But not too soon, not too often, and not with expectation of response. I gather they don't want to be forgotten, but they don't want to be pestered...it's a fine line.
Does that ring true?
Essentially avoidants are F'd up, they should be avoided (irony). We all have our issues but the subscriptions these characters show up with will test the patience of a saint
True but if only i can heal and move on! Pray for me please
Beautifully stated. They are also very hard to get over. The mind fuckery alone keeps a person dying to know what they are truly thinking and feeling.
I think the one I was with had regrets and just when I thought he was back to his "normal" self, the guy I fell in love with, he was worse off then before. As bad I feel for him, I can't go back to someone who disregarded my feelings and I took too much regard for his.
I love an avoidant person , and reading that reddit post is like it was him. Heartbreaking
I'm married to an avoidant,. any attempt to improve intimacy of any kind is met from her with irritation, frustration and sometimes even outright fits of rage which result in her telling me how my wanting closeness and connection is a serious problem that I have to either get over or get out. She shows no desire to give a microscopic fraction of affection to keep me. A 15 year long relationship that feels like living with a room mate,.. lonely depressing and unfulfilling,. getting worse with time and I am no longer trying to get closer to her,. just looking forward to dying and no longer having to endure it all.
My dear one. Leave
Dying?? Because of a human being that doesn't love you?? You sure don't love love yourself too. Instead of leaving you prefer to die because you don't want to do the work. Why are you with some one that treats you this way for long? Your freedom is in the answer
Please leave to save your soul. It’s not selfish. And you’ve paid your time.
@@joyapeon8181 Maybe they are very depressed
So sad 😢😢😢. I learnt about avoidants after a series of ghosting and I tell you I will never get angry at them again or take it personally, now, I look back these people showed signs of trauma. It's so sad 😢.
Some of them came back to me months later, it was strange because at that time I didn't understand avoidants, I would have been more open with my arms if I did, I would have told them everything is gonna be okay.
Chris, how come you only tell the stories of an avoidant from the female lens? You never speak from the male perspective of dating an avoidant woman. Please do something for the gents, they're struggling with avoidant women too
this is amazing, more material like this!
I’m so afraid and I just want to do things right. I care for her so much. I realize that I have gone through something similar and I won’t let any of that crap those feelings define me. Because of that, it’s all gone away. I hope she can do the same thing in time. She’s willing to work on her issues and that makes me feel better, but how much longer can I wait?
Under the Magicians outfit the avoidant I have been with was suffering from depression
There is another stage called replacement. I am an avoidant who monkey bars through relationships. I start new ones before I've ended the first. I know it's bad, but I've been doing it my whole life. Sometimes, i feel bad about doing that, but most of the time, i don't feel bad.
so what do you feel? you don’t feel guilt about lying to the person?
So what do they hope for? For you to never come back. Do they keep daydreaming about you often, or do they completely forget about you?
Yes!! I want to know too!!!
This is some pretty heavy sh*t.
Not really, just stay away from avoidants. Simple
@garyforbes8711
‘tis not for the faint of heart
ironic huh lol😖😭🤪🙃 I would know
this was incredibly interesting and informational
such a good explanation thanks - from a currently healing Fearful avoidant
I am an avoidant and i'm terrified of the life ahead of me
Coach we really need an explanation video about Dismissive Avoidants so that we can show it to our Avoidant to help them understand what they're dealing with. My biggest problem is my avoidant wife of 23 years doesnt think anything is wrong with her
I really wanted to comment on the recent video on avoidants, but the comments were off...
Im an avoidant. And i started to work on facing my feelings. My shadows. It's painful. But i started it. Esp when my anxiety attacks started because of the pressure build up.
I always thought about myself being an anxiously attached person. But ive been an avoidant all my life.
I lost someone i cared about deeply. And i truly am changing.
But i need some help to face myself. Cuz i have so many questions.
This is so good, Chris.
Tired of ppl demonizing and dehumanizing avoidants.
then they should leave healthy loving people alone and date other avoidants
Great video, thank you 💗
My ex got into a new relationship after 3 months of no contact. She is a dissmissive avoident. She is from another city that is about 8 hours away, but lives in my city now because she is studying her. In the sommerbreak she got with someone else in her hometown. That means most of the year they are gonna be apart, only meeting in the christmas and sommerbreaks. I find it wierd, because I heard from some mutal friends that they met on Tinder and only knew eachother for 3 weeks - 1 months till they got official. Why would she seek for someone new in her old town so its a long distance relationship? Doesnt make sense, espcially that they barely know eachother and its a long distance relationship. She is gonna study at my town for 5 years, so lets say they stay togheter so long. They will barely see eachother, only in the school breaks, and they doesnt even know eachother that well. Can you make a video about avoidents long distance relationships? And also about why they make it offical with someone new that they barely know, when it took so long for us to get togheter (we were bestfriends for a year before getting togheter. And both of us liked eachother she even told me. But took so long to commit)
What do the avoidants have to do to heal this attachment style?
Is this a trick question?
@@cspace1234nz not even in the slightest.
@@rnbsteenstar ….they won’t do anything, they’re avoidants, they avoid doing anything to heal. The clue is in the term
@@rnbsteenstartherapy, especially focused therapy that deals with intense emotion like DBT or EMDR. And leaning into that terrifying closeness and interdependence until it feels safe
@@dannycolwell8028 and I do think that they will need support.
My avoidant wife just turned her back on our marriage and 18 year relationship leaving my kids from a broken home and me feeling lost. I have always known she was avoidant, but any attempts over 18 years for me to try to get her to work on herself or recognise was rebuffed, because naturally they don't face their feelings. There were issues, but ultimately our relationship ended due to her avoidance. Issues were never resolved, including her own addictions.
Great video!
As an avoidant myself this is so incitful... Uncanny mind reading type incites all through this video 😮