The abuser accepting he was wrong instead of escalating at the end was fantastical thinking, from my perspective. In reality, he would have hired an aggressive lawyer and she would have to spend years fighting for custody, not because he wanted his daughter, but so that he could torture her.
I agree! The movie touched me deeply, but the ending wasn't realistic at all. It was a romanticized version of what leaving an abuser actually looks like. I had so much anxiety after the scene in which she tells him she is divorcing him. I 100% expected him to retaliate. The ending was too fairytale-like.
Yes, that is 100% correct my X mother-in-law and ex sister-in-law, blamed me for the abuse, even when my sister-in-law saw him do it to me right in front of her same with the mother when I was pregnant he wanted to shove me down the stairs, and the mother told me I should leave instead of telling her son to leave and call the police on him they also said that he did that stuff because I hollered at him!!!! Yeah hollering while he’s hitting me and throwing things at me!! Yes it was all my fault. Specially when I was pregnant he traumatized me while I was pregnant. Ran someone off the road so he could beat the guy up just because he didn’t like how the guy was driving. I don’t know. He wasn’t even doing anything wrong. I had to get out and help the guy. His glasses were broken. I felt horrible It was the middle of winter and it was cold out. I couldn’t believe that my husband, father of my future son would do something like that. I didn’t know how to handle it. It was before cell phones. 😭
Very unrealistic. Female relatives participate in the oppression because the narcissistic man boy is always at mother and sisters door whining about "having to put up with "her". That's triangulation. My abusive ex husband participates in bashing me to my estranged adult son who did not grow up in our home. My ex did not raise him. He takes my son's calls and listens gleefully to complaints about me. I have not seen my son or talked to him in nearly two years but he calls my ex to bash me. My abusive ex. and I divorced 28 years ago. I raised my two daughters and their father has hoovered them in, while they deny deny deny everything. Very defensive about their Dad but they are survivors of his abuse too. I regret marrying and to a degree, having children. I may need to go no contact with all of this next year. I feel like I am fighting for my life the way I have been covertly stalked by this abusive ex husband.
She asked for a divorce when he was holding the baby. Coming from an abusive relationship myself, I would NEVER put my child in that situation. I was terrified for that baby when that happened.
Exactly!! So unrealistic and also dangerous for someone new to intimate partner violence. To share a message that a “strong woman” will just confront the abuser and point out that he wouldn’t want the baby abused is assuming that abusers believe that they aren’t entitled to how they treat you.
Would never let an abuser hold a newborn while asking for a divorce and calling him out for what he did. That part was so triggering and scary for me. Those are times that abused people play nice for everyone’s survival.
What’s interesting about that unrealistic scene & what has come out is that fawning is what happened while filming the scene but not known watching the film. According to the filing, Baldoni’s best friend instead of a professional actor played the ObGyn while she was pretending to give birth & she was pressured to do the scene naked. Truly this movie might need to be banned. 😩
I think the danger of this film is that people will believe it's THIS EASY to get out of an abusive relationship. They won't believe people who are abused because they won't understand post-separation abuse. Most women who are killed by an intimate partner are killed WHEN THEY LEAVE or try to leave. It's the most dangerous time.
Where is the Cycle of Abuse? Such a pat, weak, inaccurate rendition of an abusive relationship-I thought the hospital “breakup” scene was an escalation, as it would be in real life. Ridiculous.
My friend got shot when she left her abuser, he killed her in front of her parents' home when she decided to divorce. The baby was sick and he called/sent messages to her to come outside to "give" her medicine for the baby. She and the baby were at her parent's house, she went outside and he shot her, and then himself. The baby lost both parents. Big tragedy. She was a brilliant artist, teacher, and singer. He was pure trash. Please leave, never look back, and plan the separation well, be careful.
Yeh, mine knocked me to the ground and got in a few punches and pulled a clump out of my hair. I think he'd WANTED to do that for a long time. I picked myself up off the floor, aching and stinging, my eye stung, my neck cricked, and I left. It was terrifying. I knew I had to go through that to escape. I had tried to escape in secret but he followed me on his bike. I had been posting belongings home to my parents and he caught me coming out of the post office so he knew. I was lucky to get away from him. To this day, he hates me and considers himself the victim of me.
@@22Too yes, or get violent or have buddies in the court system, even in city courts, who favor them and find reasons to reduce support, or give abusers unfettered access to their children. Money talks,,,even female attys and female judges favor the males in our city..it’s still based offa patriarchal and good ole boy system , and who has the money.
Thank you for saying that. It's a popular fiction writer just 'touching' on the topic of domestic violence. Then conveniently having an attractive ex-boyfriend who is single come back into her life. Too prettily tied together with a bow. Not at all how domestic violence works.
I was ok with it being unrealistic for the happy ending. But… yah. I was real worried for both her flower shop and the other guys’ restaurant. I wrote it in a review, actually. I liked the movie. But… realistically, there would likely be smear campaigns and a devastating custody battle.
the drama that did happen during the making of the movie is more real to narcissistic abuse and boundary violation and smear campaigns than the movie itself
I completely agree. I hope Dr. Ramani does a video about that at some point. The Legal Eagle did one - that guys who looks like Jim from The Office and gives breakdowns on legal issues and court cases on YT.
My experience is that when I’ve tried talking to my abuser’s sister, (who happens to be my best friend of nearly 30 years) she doesn’t believe me and is also manipulated by her brother into believing his narrative of MY “toxic behavior”. In most cases, the abuser’s family won’t believe that their brother, son, or whomever are the abusers, and they makes excuses for them and think the actual victim is the bad guy or the wrong one. How I wish real life was like the movie!
Me too ! Because I can assure you it doesn’t happen like the movie. Now if he jumped up & grabs her by the throat & threatened her and threatened to take the baby Now that’s real! For sure. 😢
My ex husband's sister saw him push me out of a chair when I was 8 months pregnant and when I came to her crying she said, well he said you haven't been cleaning the house. We weren't best friends though, far from it.
@@halfmoon2075 You hadn’t been keeping the house clean 😱 So that justifies what he did . Oooooo please! Well you know what they say ( blood 🩸 is thicker than water 💧) Unfortunately you were the water. What a dirt bag!🤮🤬👿🤮🤬👿
Exactly. If one is able to leave...Just leave quickly and quietly. Change name, country, at least city...anything...don't tell anyone where you went...sucks, but the flying monkey's are everywhere.
This movie is what people THINK abuse is like. And the way people THINK it can end. Simplistic and offensive to anyone who has experienced an abusive man.
Yes and the reason people THINK abusive relationships don’t end. The movie puts the onus on the woman to leave… the stereotypical “if he is so abusive, why didn’t she leave?!?!” Women don’t leave abusive relationships because they have had their soul chipped away by their abuser, because the abuser has made her financially dependent, and because it is dangerous. Lily experienced none of those things.
That is exactly what i thought at the end of it: offensive! I had a 4 years psychologically and sexually abusive relationship (there was no physical violence. Actually, all the violence was so covered it was hard to see because it was all so psychological). It took me 8 months of therapy just to be able to end it! I had a job, I had my mom's support, we didn't have a child (O had a miscarriage 2 years prior) and still, it was so hard! After that, he stalked me, he pretended to have cancer, he tried hard not to let me leave, even when he and I were already with other partners. Actually, he once allured me to his house, so I could get my things and we could put an end to it and proceeded to SA me. Of I hadn't prepared myself to leave and sustain it (I tried before, but always succumbed to his manipulations), I don't know what could've happened. What I mean is: they never make it easy that way and we also have to fight against our own destroyed self esteem to even plan on leaving. Even when we have a propitious situation to leave, it is NEVER easy. And when we're judged by others when we don't leave, cause they think it is easy just like displayed in this movie, we get even more isolated and gaslit. This movie made just an awful job on raising awareness about domestic abuse, really
🎯🎯🎯 I literally said in my last several months with my exH, while I was secretly planning my exit (with my lawyer and therapist), that I felt like I was living in that movie. Srsly, it's living in terror, but having to pretend everything is exactly as he'd like it to be so you can be safe. ❤
@DoctorRamani Could you talk about some films which accurately represent narcissistic abuse? I feel that would be an interesting set of videos, although could be triggering for some.
So many things I personally didn’t think was accurate; The violence wasn’t insidious enough, it felt out of the blue when these things take time usually (chipping away at confidence, isolation etc) The sister not being an enabler/ flying monkey was so inaccurate for most cases the sisters tend to not see how bad their brothers are. The fact that she had an ex who was her saviour you’re 100% right I rolled my eyes because most women in abusive relationships don’t have a saviour, we have to save ourselves and it’s SO much more scarier the moment you leave. Like terrifying and the movie didn’t portray that at all.
Not to mention the financial abuse element they usually control or the relationships they damage with their victim making the victim feel they have nowhere to go/no one to support them. I also felt scared when she brought up naming the baby after his brother and then asked for divorce at such a precious time. That would not have played out so calmly with usual abusers
I see where you and everyone are coming from but I think one positive of the movie is that you should recognize all signs and forms of abuse no matter how spread out they are. I had an ex that acted in a similar way to him and took the relationship in a similar stride (accepting the break up) when it ended as well. I still didn’t recognize until a year after how toxic it was, malicious intent or not. Months after we’d broken up and I was being a little cold to him trying to keep distance, he feel like he deliberately had a box fall on my head as payback for feeling rejected. I let myself believe it was accident even though I sensed a little satisfaction from him and that the concern was faked to save face. Sometimes they don’t look like an abuser, sometimes they look like a regular bully or someone who’s just acting out. Not all of them will be narcissists or even narcissistic in their regular behavior and nothing comes out until they’re really, really triggered (and not just peeved or inconvenienced)
My ex would hurt me but always say that it was an "accident" so that part of the movie really resonated with me. He never actually slapped or punched me, but he dropped a plank of wood on my ankle and foot and crushed my foot and I was in a cast for two months. He "accidentally" drove over my foot twice. He "accidentally" broke my nose. He "accidentally" almost hit me with a car twice in 37 years. etc.
That end scene was like, "see you just need to talk with your partner and set boundaries and you won't be abused". Sooooo easy, and I was like yeah in an movie perhaps but not real life 😠
I hated it too. I turned to my mom at the end and said this isn't the end of the movie, this is literally just the beginning. Co-parenting with someone like that is frankly a lifelong nightmare with the child either triangulated in the middle or used as narcissistic fodder
I loathed that movie. They left out all of the important stuff like his gaslighting, devaluing, and silent treatments, just to name a few. Agreed that they nailed love bombing. I think it did a great disservice to narcissistic abuse survivor's that don't have physical marks. Also, her successfully leaving the first time annoyed me. Not everyone has a hot unicorn dude to help her. Not to mention the money, successful business, and friend and family support. Finally, the sad story that validates the abuser and martyrs him. The final scene is such BS it made me scream at my TV! terrible movie for DOMESTIC ABUSE PURE FICTION!- 33 year survivor
I cannot stomach a Blake Lively movie, but based on what you said, it sounds like this may have somewhat romanticized what it's like to be a survivor, maybe even something like a subtle 50-shades of grey. Sometimes it seems like Hollywood should just stop trying to speak for survivors.
I wish I could award bonus points for "hot unicorn dude"... I was almost sick to my stomach when she handed him the newborn. I was sooo scared he would kill the child right in front of her.
@CenterWomen4B Exactly. It gave her all the control an abused woman wished she could have. They didn't even tell us she was abused until a flashback sequence. Why do that? If it's about domestic abuse, show how ugly it is. They made it all pretty and very confusing. I'm not a Blake Lively fan either, especially since she had a platform to discuss domestic abuse and she chose not to. Shame on her. Someone revoke her girl card.
I started sobbing after she asked for a divorce and he walked away without an argument, on the inside I was howling “I wish it was that easy… it’s NOT!!!”
I can’t believe she said that to him while he was holding the baby too. That made me so uncomfortable because - in a real situation- he probably would have stolen or threatened to hurt the baby, etc.
I've heard the powers to be are considering a sequel...my thinking is that the power play isn't over. The subdued and seemingly agreeance for a divorce and walking away and accepting his fate is far from what's going to happen next. This is what Narcissists do...appear calm and agreeable (possibly allowing a false sense of security to play out) while planning the revenge. Can't wait for the sequel to depict the real outcome of what's most likely to occur to a person leaving an abusive relationship.
@ll15baiocchi27 why don't you go away? See the problem is we like to victimize ourselves and put the blame on others and expecting change on others when the change starts with us.
A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 6 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her , but I can’t , I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
Parting ways with someone you deeply cherish is an agonizing experience. I understand firsthand, having encountered a parallel situation at the end of my 7 year relationship. Driven by an unyielding determination, I explored every avenue to salvage our bond. Seeking guidance from a spiritual counselor proved pivotal, as their intervention played a crucial role in rekindling our love.
I kept going back, and it always ended up , where the abuse happened again! I finally understood that we get emotionally tied to them, and that’s why we are missing them!
I liked the movie, but it did trigger me. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I could relate to being blamed for everything and second guessing myself (rationalizing) on the abuse. The ex boyfriend that supports her was painful for me to watch because I did not get any support when trying to escape the abuse and my narc was believed above me so many times. I’m so glad you did a video on this! Thank you for all of your excellent content.
@@sonnenschein553but they skipped the isolated feeling you have when the abuse starts. His own Sister just automatically takes her side, no questions asked. Her ex-boyfriend shows up in her life, just when things are starting to crack. The abuser is holding the new baby, & hears she wants a divorce, and he sadly, but admirably accepts it. Yeah, right. Happily ever after., Not so in real life-he wouldn’t have accepted it like that. He would have been obsessed over getting a second chance. The whole thing was an unrealistic story with pretty people in it with almost perfect lives.
It’s so true. My gfs don’t get it. And watching this they felt so empowered for me as if after 15 years how could I have not left yet. Here watch this movie for motivation.
I think they wanted to make the female be a hero. They wanted her to put her abuser in his place. They wanted to show how she "took control" and "won" in the end. In reality, you never get any of that. The only thing you can "win" at is getting out with your life. That movie REALLY missed the mark.
@@sitori663the reality is more like a horror film. After telling him she wanted a divorce, he comes into the room and poisons her IV. That is the more realistic version.
Yes. THIS. The only "win" you ever get is maybe primary custody, and that's a big maybe, and getting free of the abuser when your child graduates from high school.
Colleen Hoover based this book on her own parents. I get that she loved her father, but it seems to have made her incapable of showing how abuse really happens. She wanted to portray Ryle as a sensitive, reasonable man.
When she asked for divorce while he was holding the baby I was freaking out! Then I was surprised he didn't had a melt down and put the baby at risk... Then I remembered it was a movie.
The 1991 film, "Sleeping With the Enemy," starring Julia Roberts was a bit more accurate - although in the immediate post break-up phase, she too magically happened upon a unicorn of a man before she was fully healed, and things worked out in the end, aww. The husband she had fled was clearly a malignant narcissist and it took him dying for her to be free. That's a bit closer to the truth of narcissistic abuse.
And that was years n years of abuse too. She was saving money for a long time n had a plan. Watching that movie even I didn't believe that new man bc I just have a hard time believing them. 😪. I'm hoping he did turn into a good guy n not another douche. Also, applaud to Julia Robert's acting
Women or men who experienced physical or psychological abuse growing up as either victims or observers are more vulnerable to relationships with abusers. The best thing they can do for themselves before dating and beginning any relationship is to engage in therapy to address the abuse issues so they can go on in life with healthy relationships they are worthy of having. Learning to love and protect yourself is imperative and it must be your priority.
I had the same issues with the movie. No raging-narc is going to walk away quietly like the abusive doctor did in this movie. He would have demanded to have custody/visitation with his newborn and tried to force the florist mom to stay with him. The sister would have sided with her damaged brother in real life as well. The movie fell apart for me since it was so unbelievable towards the end.
"Unfortunately", in my experience, "enablers"( great keyword!) are the majority of inhabitants of the "real world": as it's often easier for them to side with the perpetrators and revictimise women and children rather than out them/ the assailants and confront them...
Every time I left, my family sent me back to my successful, incredibly fit handsome ex. People made me feel like I wasn’t going to do better or that it wasn’t as bad as it appeared that all relationships have problems and I always went back. I finally got away, but it took a lot.
I tried to leave and went to my mom's house, and she let him in when I was hiding in the back. She also would pretend to hang up on him and let him listen to our conversations.
This scene hit home for me. I told my last partner I was done with the role I was playing in our relationship. He told me he was happy I was finally getting on with my life. I don’t think he understood what I was telling them. The relationship of his devaluation, disrespect, and manipulation was over. I believe he already had one or more suppliers waiting in the wings.
@StellaMontenegro They wanted the abuser to be suddenly "woke", "evolved" or at least "normal"😂 Next up for the "ex" abuser: He is teaching a workshop on consent.😂
The only thing that I can think of to defend that choice was that it was also his work place, but that wouldn't mean he would act the same way outside the presence of his coworkers.
Years ago a drunken partner who was probably a narcissist hit me in the face & left a bruise. I took my puppy & went to stay in my mom’s camper for a nite but told her the dog caused the black eye. She didn’t buy it & simply told me that it was unacceptable. No argument & no sympathy! I got free & stayed out of the dating scene as I went back to teaching then bought two homes over the next 2 decades. Then my malignant narc father finally died & I broke my lucky record by getting involved with… you guessed it! It’s so important to heal your trauma first then date again. My story about how my mom handled that situation has helped other people, including a couple of parents! It works… abuse is unacceptable. Period.
"... I could shut my practice down and retire." 100% Facts! Thank you for reviewing this film. I refused to support it when it was being promoted and after its release; you confirmed my initial instinctual aversion.
My abusive ex made everyone hate me when I left him, he made it up as if I was the problem. I wish I had support when I needed it, but everyone around me just conveniently stepped away from the situation…
From personal experience…. Telling your abuser that you’re on to them (confronting them in any way) or telling them your plans to leave is the WORST move you can make. One thing I had to learn repeatedly was to never ever “talk it out” with an abuser, because a lot of abusive ppl ENJOY watching you suffer. So talking to them will just give them more ammo and more reason to retaliate and make your life even worse.
I agree. My situation was different I guess, he wasn't in upper hand situation, but I told him I'm getting rid off him, what was insane how he absolutely wouldn't believe it! LOL. But post when I made it happen, obviously physically abuse and harassment went up. But for me worst was over and then COVID happened
Even a serial killer doesn’t kill someone every day. It took me attending 1 meeting of a group of domestic violence survivors made me leave for good and not look back
I saw this movie as I was going through it with my narcissist. I went alone bc we were fighting & cried during the movie. It helped me to see it even more & I decided to leave & was lucky enough to not get pregnant. He asked why I went to see it in such a bad place bc it's what was needed at the time. It helped me to realize I deserved better. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but it's the last time I will allow myself to go through that again. I did have support though & a loving family awaiting my return back home!
This movie could very well be from the 90s because of how it romanticizes abuse in a story where everything magically works itself out for the protagonist. In my opinion it is quite absurd, as if it were a parody of reality. And as someone who barely managed to get out of a very psychologically abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist just last year with looots of therapy, I find it almost offensive because of the simplistic way in which they portrayed a relationship that in reality has an endless number of very complex and difficult nuances to deal with. Thank you so much Dr Ramani, you've helped so many of us.
So true!! Im in a homeless shelter, long story short. I wish they would have shown that side of it, also how the mom said she didnt leave because it was easier to stay. I. Wish they would have pointed out the fear of leaving. The times i left my abusers, i had to sneak out and leave when they wernt there. Him and my “mother” were teamed up to send me to the mental institution because i was “crazy.” I love that you put your point of view on the movie, you hit very good points i completley agree with you. Also, you straight up saved me i think i have watched all of your videos😂 and im finally free! I may be in a homeless shelter- but with your help im finally free. Well physically anyway… still alot of work to do with my therapist to free myself psychologically.
Hello, I read your comment and I want to say 'Good for you!!" Right on for getting away from the abuser and in a shelter! I have a friend who've been abused by her ex husband for many years. I tried to get her into a women's shelter and she basically makes tons of excuses not to go to one. I think you're amazing for taking that step and saving yourself. You will thrive.
Yep my mother did the same for years telling to stay because she didn’t want to help me . I found out she was a narcissist too later both gaslighting me until I thought I was crazy . I didn’t even trust my own body.
When I left my 23 year marriage I had no support whatsoever. My mother had been abusive to me and she would not help at all even when I told her he had punched me. She left me in that house with him. Husband smeared me to all our 'couple' friends. I bought a key lock door knob and put it on one of the bedroom doors and moved my belongings in to that room and lived there til I could find a place to live. When entering the house I had 911 punched in to my phone so if he tried anything before I could get to the locked room, I just had to press one button. He tried many things like emptying bank accounts, having hidden bank accounts, etc. I have been free of him for 7 years and I really don't know how I found the strength to get away.....
What a creep...I wonder if you can't ask something from the justice system...after all the things he did wrong, locking bank accounts etc,and maybe you got proofs of the abuse IDK..all these things you mention add up and kinda "show" on some files...even later he could het in trouble for what he did to you...then no girl would have to live with him (I feel that the exes should warn us..when we meet an abuser. When I did no one cared about me, the exes said nothing . Fear gotta change of side,with help of the police...even in the past it works in some places).I mean especially in the U.S.not my country at all but you yes.aand some other places I lived in yes, they are serious about DV,even past dom .violence And I dislike your mom...I wonder if there isn't a connection...she seems abusive, like my mom was, and we both met an abusive guy(in the past thank GOD)..maybe they are the "reason".I'm mad at your mom.❤
Actually your analysis is the best review of any film I've ever seen - Dr R you elegantly dismantled a plot pinned together by wishful thinking not insight. Some audiences could feel gaslit by the unreality of it all - which is a kick in the teeth to those hoping for more.
Sleeping with the enemy by Julia Robert’s was the perfect depiction of narcissistic abusive relationship. The movie shooked me to core as a 15 year old and later taught me to notice red flag with my first bf. It end with us was like looking into from the rose glass window.
Spot on. It took me years and a very strong restraining order that took three tries in court to get to finally leave for good. He became violent and had refused to leave before I got the move out order. Since the violence was only towards furniture and not me within 180 days of the court hearing, it took a lot of convincing for the judge to make a decision. I had cameras set up all around the house which I used as evidence. Both of my parents discouraged and even guilted me for leaving. I was unemployed at the time. Thankfully, I was also almost 5 years sober and had built a strong support system around me and my kids. I already had full custody since we were already divorced a few years prior and he didn't have a leg to stand on. It didn't matter that his family was against me because I had already moved away from them. Leaving an abuser is a terrifying battle. There really needs to be more legitimate counseling and support available.
I keep seeing movies (and even Ted Lasso) where after an honest conversation, tada! The narcissist sees the error of their ways and becomes a nice person to be around. I think people without narcissists in their lives (or even therapy websites) think this is how it actually works. "Just talk to them.". (To anyone experiencing an abusive family member - take care of you.)
Ironically,the same people who’ve said that to me, I found later, were even less assertive than me in their relationships.. it’s easy to throw rocks when you don’t live in a glass castle..
As someone who was a real abusive marriage, what you are saying is SPOT ON, the movie is a joke to a real victim and it is pure fantasy and romanticized abuse.
Completely dangerous. I truly hope no abused woman thinks it will be that easy and safe to have conversations with their abuser regarding leaving. As those of us who have been through this know that would be a truly dangerous mistake
100% agree! Normally the physical and emotional abuse gets much worse and it takes years to leave. Many end up going back several times too. Most do not get out in the beginning like she does.
It's never about money in a DV relationship. It's about the abuser's utmost control over their partner. There was no way a raging abuser would ever accept the perosn they are abusing to ever call the shots. Never. It's all about control for the abuser.
I somewhat agree, having money to leave helps a little, but the battle is internal and learning self worth and to find help. The hardest battle is unlearning the conditioning and programming, that you are not worthy of true love and care.
@@taniarogers-zu8nqabsolutely I agree with you. Yes having $$, moral support, help. But it’s the deprogramming, so much more. Stop blaming ourselves.. mental manipulation…
I had money to leave and still had to deal with his vindictive rage on all kinds of life technicalities and emotional extortion. It's not about money, it's about control.
Spot on Dr Ramani. The support is everything. The lack of support, financial and kids and continuous abuse both physical and mental by the ex make it nearly impossible to leave safely
Excellent evaluation, Dr Ramani! Thank you for your words. I feel encouraged in ways I cannot even verbalize here. After years of marriage and individual counseling, I spent 2024 leaving and divorcing a narcissistic husband (38 yrs of marriage). It was a lot of work financially, emotionally, and physically (moving multiple times in 1 yr as a 60 yr old). Even though I was not physically abused, I am STILL afraid of that man because of his unexpected fits of rage. I didn’t feel safe until I moved to the other side of the country. The movie may be entertaining for some, but the storyline concerns me, as well, because it strays from reality and safe best practices. THANK YOU!!
Superb! Never better said, Doctor!!!! Thank you for balancing fantasy with a bit of reality-based resetting narrative. For those of us with abusive histories, this is a breath of fresh air. For those progressing through survival, it's highly encouraging.
It was the classic “Cinderella” with a twist. Mr. Prince Charming was patiently waiting in the wings for her. After ditching the Narcissist Mr Perfect was only a snap of her fingers away. The fairy tale story line still perverts reality.
The scene at the end where he just agrees to a divorce and peacefully walks away was so unrealistic. In reality he would immediately start gaslighting and downplaying his actions. And if she stood her ground on the divorce, he would go to the bank, withdraw everything from their shared account so she would have no resources, then he would have hired an aggressive attorney to fight for sole custody of their baby.
I am Narcissistic Survivor and I personally liked the movie because at the end we saw her perception on how things really happened and at the end who she’s saying “It ends with us “ got me by a pleasant surprise
It's funny how we see storylines differently depending on the phase of recovery we're in. I have a whole collection of books and movies I'm getting rid of because now that the "new me" is reading/watching them again, they literally scream red flags. I vote for Dr. Ramani to be involved as an expert in the next domestic-abuse movie!
I was left feeling empty with this movie. It highlighted only the physical aspect of abuse (which is awful in itself) and left out ALL of the accounts of mental and emotional abuse.
Thank you! I never watched the movie just because of all the drama with regard to Blake downplaying domestic violence. But as a survivor, I can testify to everything that you’re saying. They don’t cover the fact that maybe you have to leave with your kids zero money in your bank account and have to start over because you gave your whole life to this other person. There’s a lot of things that they could’ve done better from what I’ve heard. Thank you for spreading the word.Proud to be a domestic violence survivor that walked away 12 years ago haven’t looked back.
I've not seen the film, only one scene (the "what would you tell if it was your daughter" scene and I was done there right away, what a sugarcoated crap), but if I want to remind myself how I felt when I was in an abusive relationship with a narc (including my parent), I revisit the classic movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman. What an old movie, and what an amazingly and painfully spot on depiction of REAL narcissistic abuse.
Same. I don't watch any "movies" with domestic violence as a main theme because I have no need to retraumatize myself that way... It's been 5 yrs since I left, 4.5 since the last time I saw him...
So very true! They downplayed abuse, and actually made the readers and the audience like and feel bad for the abusive dude. And of course, as you said, one very lucky abused woman who basically had the love and support of everyone, and a magical success. It was a fairytale, like Cinderella and all other Disney cartoons.
My first time here. This was an exceptional video. As a happy single 60 plus woman whom has been abused many times from exes I applaud you on your accuracy. New subscriber here.
My dad isn’t physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive. He tormented my mom up until I turned 18 and they divorced when I was 2. He wasn’t really interested in gaining custody of me or being a good dad, he just hated my mother for leaving him and still holds that grudge to this day.
My story is that my toxic ex's little sister has been the worst flying monkey of them all. She helped my ex with his verbal abuse of me while we were married and now she defends him when he married his mistress (a former "friend" of mine who even traveled with me and my ex while we were married). I think it is extremely rare for the narcissist to have a family that supports their victim.
I supported the victim(s) twice. My nephew was a monster. Paid for the 1st wife to obtain an attorney. Attempted to keep the 2nd woman from marrying him. Then assisted her with leaving & divorcing him. She lived with us for months. My nephew knew my husband & I would physically & legally protect her. 1st wife married him again under pressure of her adult children. I have no words.
I had a supportive family and the financial means to leave, and I still went back several times. This is a great assessment of the shortcomings of this movie. It is not a realistic interpretation of domestic abuse and what comes after leaving. The threats, the stalking, the intimidation that happens when abusers start to lose control. The best advice we can give to people who are experiencing abuse, is that even if you leave and go back several times, one day you will find the strength to not go back. And even though this time can be dangerous, the internal liberation is worth it. 🙏
That was the most accurate part for me. They ALWAYS have a hundred excuses for the way they act the way they do and for why it's YOUR responsibility to "cut them some slack" and not hold them accountable. My narcissistic mother is the queen of this. She'll go off on a rage, scream at me, call me names, sometimes even hit me, and then come back the next day acting like nothing happened until I force the issue, and then it becomes "oh I'm mentally ill, I can't help it, I had a shitty childhood and you're being mean to me about it now, how dare you! 😭" 🙄🙄🙄
Dr. Ramini.....THANK YOU again for "WAKING PEOPLE UP". I saw a clip it of this movie and was DISGUSTED by the scene of her asking him ...."what would you tell your daughter". BBBBAAAAADDDD parenting......putting an innocent child in the direct path of a KNOWN STORM. A disservice to the realties REAL survivors of domestic violence/abuse have authentically experienced. Good call on bringing this Romantic nonsense to light. 👍
I've been with a malignant/sadistic narcissist for over 13 years and read the book shortly after its release, but I did not see the movie, and you are spot on. I felt the same way, if only it were that easy! I've tried and failed several times to leave, but Dr. Ramani is preparing me for the viscous divorce to come. I am finally following through and serving him after the New Year. 🎉
Do you really need an official divorce? Just leave and establish your own financial life if you can. If you initiate a divorce with a narcissist, you will be in for a horrible ride. I did not have a choice but to initiate because he refused to, trying to get maintenance payments from me. We also have a kid so I can't separate completely.
Good. Don't think about the divorce or what's next. Really, one day, one thing at a time. Have you found a support group? Please do yourself a favor and go. Best of luck.
SOOOOO GLAD YOU COMMENTED ON THIS!!!!! NOOOOO THE MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE! ANOTHER FANTASY DELUSION! It feels like Hollywood wants to continue to program us to "accept" this $h*ty behavior from men, and ALL the media coverage on it was terrible too! Blake didn't want to address the actual topic of the movie at all! She constantly deflects, changes the subject, makes a joke, and just starts some superficial side conversation. I couldn't wrap my head around it! Again I'm SO happy you made this video THANK YOU!! You are a GEM 💎
@@sallyjrwjrw6766 Blake was promoting her alcohol brand (completely tone deaf given the theme of the movie), her hair care line and going on about florals and bringing your girlfriends to watch this fun summer movie. She had too much say in how it was marketed in my opinion.
The ex nor anyone would probably never help! Don’t wait for someone to save you. And the husband never admits to wrongdoing, ever! And friends at the end? Never…..
WOW this lady is SO GOOD. I am so glad that Dr. Ramani is sharing about these things because a few spiritual leaders say that one person can fix a relationship by your thoughts and sending the evil doer blessings and I believed that for years on end but in my real life experience, the only way which has worked for me is detaching and disconnecting from such people - not by trying to fix
I grew up in a home where my mother was abused by my dad when he was drunk but when I was a teen I met someone I really really liked and I moved in with him. About a month in we had a disagreement and he pushed me down on the bed and pulled back his fist as if he was about to hit me. I packed and moved and never saw him again. He told people that he was going to find me and kill me so I can see how women become afraid to leave.
Dr. Ramani, I want to thank you with my WHOLE heart for your efforts. This has been the year of epiphany for me. Sixty six years old, how sad is that? To discover your life wasn't what you thought, and that 2 plus 2 doesn't equal 4 with narcs. They live by their own sad, scared rules of life. God bless this world.
I hear you, I'm 68. I've been suicidal. No kids to motivate me or give me a reason to stay. I just got a therapist, though. Please remember that you are not alone. Try to find a support group. That was helpful for me. Best wishes-
You hit the nail right on the head!! Not real life.. thank you for videos like this that expose some of the things that happen that are kept quiet or behind closed doors because of shame, fear and the feeling of being “stuck”.
Thank you so much for sharing these insights! As an abuse survivor my first thought after watching the movie was "In which realm does this happen?". The reality is so different from what has been shown. A lot of people judge me because I took 6.5years before stepping out of my abusive marriage, thank YOU for pointing out how difficult it can be for someone without any support to just walk out. Security is a major issue in these kinds of relationships. Thank you again Dr. Ramani! Thank you for all you do! Have a wonderful year ahead!
Leaving does not guarantee peace in the future. Usually they find ways to get revenge, either through kids or trying to sabotage the victims job, or using both families against the victim etc etc.
It makes it seem like "ending it" is something that you do WITH an abuser and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not surprised at the garbage ending considering the drama coming out about the abusive behavior on set. Abusive people making a gaslighty film about abuse that sets unrealistic expectations is not surprising at all. It helps keep victims stuck.
Oh you described the beginning of my relationship with an abusive narssist. The love bombing, the short dating period that led to marriage in 7 months. The fist through a lamp was the first red flag. I had no supporters including my own family. It took 8 years to end the marriage and my life was a living hell but I survived and thrived w a lot of therapy. Thank you
Before seeing your video, I was telling my husband the same. 30 years ago, I was Lilly. Unfortunately, When I married for the first time, I was hit several times. Then I had to request a restriction order while getting divorced and lost thousands of dollars in attorneys and three precious years of my life. Once we had to hide for Halloween, and I told my son it was just part of the fun. Fortunately, we survived. I will always be thankful to God and to Texas justice.
That was my exact thought watching the unrealistically calm scene where she asks him "What would you to say to her?" My abuser would have RAGED at that question.
Excellent analysis - I think Hollywood is just afraid to go there so they do the ‘abuse light’ version which just makes it more difficult for survivors trying to explain their predicament to those who haven’t lived it.
I felt the same way watching the ending. I was yelling at the TV going, 'Where is the stalking and going after her, or at least him trying to take their child!' It's sad that I felt that way, but I know what it's like. Also, maybe the book is more in depth, but for how violent he truly was (trying to bite off her tattoo and shoving her down a flight of stairs) I'm surprised the movie ended the way it did... It was a shock to my system to see that. Extremely unrealistic... 😢
we're seeing the narcissistic abusive ways playing out now with all the legal drama/accusations! will be interesting to see how it all plays out and what the truth is decided to be (by a judge, the public, or jury)
I went to see the movie because a friend recommended it. I was hesitant to go because of my own experience. But she thought it was such a good movie. In the end, I walked out shaken with my previous abusive relationship memories come to the surface for me to honor and heal another layer. I get concerned about this type of movie; making these relationships seem romantic. It took me 3 years to successful walk away. Thankfully I walked away from my engagement and I didn't have any children. I recall going in many times saying to him I wanted to leave and several hours later he would have my brain and emotions spinning where in the end I was apologizing to him for even thinking about leaving. Thank you for this video. You brought up so many important points. To anyone in an abusive relationship, my heart goes out to you and sendingprayers. For those who have left and continue to heal, I'm sending you a great big hug.
I was in an abusive relationship that had NON of the "typical" qualities they talk about, he wasn't controlling, he didn't gas light or make excuses, he was just crazy and couldn't control his anger (he was diagnosed with schizophrenia years after we broke up) I literally saw him snap in and out of reality, not every abusive relationship looks the same or had the same problems, that needs to be talked about more
It's true not everyone's the same, l think she's talking about most common. Mine didn't hit, control or get jealous like the other narcissists l know...l had issues and problems and blamed my self for how disconnected he was, he could have a moment of charming but he could not talk all day, get sexually inappropriate joking in bad situations. let people walk all over me saying 'what can l do?'and sexually abuses me...he always asked for weird kinks, the abuse mostly came with consent after his relentless gentle pushing. l fractured 2 bones (not from him) but his sex wants is why they wouldn't heel. He only helped with 1 of our kids and that slowly stopped after 2 years. It made me think he wa committed just in a tough spot with work...l was wrong. He wasn't like the basic narcissists but he has morphed into it after 14 years. He now does want to control and he does have plans to isolate me, and he doesn't even try with the charm or pretend moments of understanding anymore.
In the book the characters and relationships are explained in a different, more detailed way. This man is not a typical abuser at all, he is a nice person most of the time, but has these post traumatic blackouts occasionally, when triggered. And he did go to the therapy in his childhood.
Thank you for this because I felt the same way. I feel like all the comments are just people saying that every single abuser acts exactly the same and even the professional in the video alluded to the same thing. I also felt like lily in the movie getting in his face when he tried to walk away to cool off in the scene right before the push down the stairs seemed odd to me like it almost felt like Ryle was trying to deal with his anger and not get physically violent, and then she chases after him literally relentlessly to the point that he was provoked. I know it sounds like I'm blaming Lily and I'm not. I'm just saying that there are situations where someone's really trying to deal with their anger in the correct way and continuously provoking them doesn't seem like something that Lily or someone in her situation would've done and him possibly walking away and her just letting him do so would have likely resulted in that particular episode of abuse not happening.
THANK YOU! I was trying to tell my middle school girls that a man with narc personality would NEVER let them go. He would try and own them. Tell her family she was the crazy one, try and take the daughter away from her out of spite and jealousy! He would never walk away. Never see logic or have empathy. So sad that girls eat this fantasy up. Thank you, Dr. R. for your voice.
I was in an abusive relationship for years many years ago and while I have spent the last 20 years working on ME and I am a completely valuable human being today - I cannot watch or read this type of movie/book. But my 15 year old niece asked me if I had read the book, I said no. She asked me why. Before I replied, I asked her what she thought- she said she really like it😢😢😢😮😮. I let her express herself and then I shared my reasoning for not supporting such a book or movie, I did my best to gently show her that this is a glorified “Disney” tale and that an abusive relationship does not always end in a happy ending. If someone is able to leave (like me) it takes years of self work to get to loving yourself again. My heartbreaks because I know she doesn’t get it! Ugh! Thank you for your analysis!
Thank you for making this. Was trying to decide how I felt about the movie...this sums it up from a professional perspective perfectly and is both validating for survivors and also hopefully is eye opening for anyone who romanticized the film.
The abuser accepting he was wrong instead of escalating at the end was fantastical thinking, from my perspective. In reality, he would have hired an aggressive lawyer and she would have to spend years fighting for custody, not because he wanted his daughter, but so that he could torture her.
Agreed
Exactly
Yup
Yeah - that was my lived experience
I agree! The movie touched me deeply, but the ending wasn't realistic at all. It was a romanticized version of what leaving an abuser actually looks like. I had so much anxiety after the scene in which she tells him she is divorcing him. I 100% expected him to retaliate. The ending was too fairytale-like.
His sister believing her, validating her and supporting her to leave are on their own things very few survivors would experience.
🎯 Agree. More likely their siblings + your own siblings are all turned against you.
Yes, that is 100% correct my X mother-in-law and ex sister-in-law, blamed me for the abuse, even when my sister-in-law saw him do it to me right in front of her same with the mother when I was pregnant he wanted to shove me down the stairs, and the mother told me I should leave instead of telling her son to leave and call the police on him they also said that he did that stuff because I hollered at him!!!! Yeah hollering while he’s hitting me and throwing things at me!! Yes it was all my fault. Specially when I was pregnant he traumatized me while I was pregnant. Ran someone off the road so he could beat the guy up just because he didn’t like how the guy was driving. I don’t know. He wasn’t even doing anything wrong. I had to get out and help the guy. His glasses were broken. I felt horrible It was the middle of winter and it was cold out. I couldn’t believe that my husband, father of my future son would do something like that. I didn’t know how to handle it. It was before cell phones. 😭
Very unrealistic. Female relatives participate in the oppression because the narcissistic man boy is always at mother and sisters door whining about "having to put up with "her". That's triangulation. My abusive ex husband participates in bashing me to my estranged adult son who did not grow up in our home. My ex did not raise him. He takes my son's calls and listens gleefully to complaints about me. I have not seen my son or talked to him in nearly two years but he calls my ex to bash me. My abusive ex. and I divorced 28 years ago. I raised my two daughters and their father has hoovered them in, while they deny deny deny everything. Very defensive about their Dad but they are survivors of his abuse too.
I regret marrying and to a degree, having children. I may need to go no contact with all of this next year. I feel like I am fighting for my life the way I have been covertly stalked by this abusive ex husband.
@@TimesUp8888 exactly
Absolutely 💯
She asked for a divorce when he was holding the baby. Coming from an abusive relationship myself, I would NEVER put my child in that situation. I was terrified for that baby when that happened.
Same.
Exactly!! So unrealistic and also dangerous for someone new to intimate partner violence. To share a message that a “strong woman” will just confront the abuser and point out that he wouldn’t want the baby abused is assuming that abusers believe that they aren’t entitled to how they treat you.
I was literally thinking the same!!!!!!!!!
Sameeer
Same... omg I think i forgot to breath the whole scene.
Would never let an abuser hold a newborn while asking for a divorce and calling him out for what he did. That part was so triggering and scary for me. Those are times that abused people play nice for everyone’s survival.
Or even be there for the birth
I was shocked when he just said “ok” and went about his way. In the real world all hell would break loose and then some lol
@@stephanierinaldi4716 YES
What’s interesting about that unrealistic scene & what has come out is that fawning is what happened while filming the scene but not known watching the film. According to the filing, Baldoni’s best friend instead of a professional actor played the ObGyn while she was pretending to give birth & she was pressured to do the scene naked. Truly this movie might need to be banned. 😩
She had shorts on
He would not have acknowledged his abusive behavior and he would have reacted violently with denial.
You’re right. That’s how these types of men usually are in real life. The movies paint a different picture.
exactly
yep!
Stop generalising abusers! #AllLivesMatter
Absolutely!
I think the danger of this film is that people will believe it's THIS EASY to get out of an abusive relationship. They won't believe people who are abused because they won't understand post-separation abuse. Most women who are killed by an intimate partner are killed WHEN THEY LEAVE or try to leave. It's the most dangerous time.
That was my thought
This⬆
Where is the Cycle of Abuse? Such a pat, weak, inaccurate rendition of an abusive relationship-I thought the hospital “breakup” scene was an escalation, as it would be in real life. Ridiculous.
agree. these parts felt to diluted for the hot mess that often follows a very dis-regulated relationship.
Exactly right. More like a Hallmark movie than real life for sure.
In reality, abusive men often kill their partner when she leaves.
My friend got shot when she left her abuser, he killed her in front of her parents' home when she decided to divorce. The baby was sick and he called/sent messages to her to come outside to "give" her medicine for the baby. She and the baby were at her parent's house, she went outside and he shot her, and then himself. The baby lost both parents. Big tragedy. She was a brilliant artist, teacher, and singer. He was pure trash. Please leave, never look back, and plan the separation well, be careful.
Yeh, mine knocked me to the ground and got in a few punches and pulled a clump out of my hair. I think he'd WANTED to do that for a long time. I picked myself up off the floor, aching and stinging, my eye stung, my neck cricked, and I left. It was terrifying. I knew I had to go through that to escape. I had tried to escape in secret but he followed me on his bike. I had been posting belongings home to my parents and he caught me coming out of the post office so he knew. I was lucky to get away from him. To this day, he hates me and considers himself the victim of me.
@@SusanaXpeace2uWow! Glad you are alive. Be careful
@@22Too yes, or get violent or have buddies in the court system, even in city courts, who favor them and find reasons to reduce support, or give abusers unfettered access to their children. Money talks,,,even female attys and female judges favor the males in our city..it’s still based offa patriarchal and good ole boy system , and who has the money.
Yes, I myself got badly stabbed 6 days after the breakup
What strikes me the most is how easily he let her go. No way that would happen in real life, he would try to make her life hell after leaving him.
He would have looked for her at her job, for starters, which is the flower shop. She would have been too easy to find
He did make her life hell but in real life not in the movie.
💯
Thank you for saying that. It's a popular fiction writer just 'touching' on the topic of domestic violence. Then conveniently having an attractive ex-boyfriend who is single come back into her life. Too prettily tied together with a bow. Not at all how domestic violence works.
I was ok with it being unrealistic for the happy ending. But… yah. I was real worried for both her flower shop and the other guys’ restaurant. I wrote it in a review, actually. I liked the movie. But… realistically, there would likely be smear campaigns and a devastating custody battle.
the drama that did happen during the making of the movie is more real to narcissistic abuse and boundary violation and smear campaigns than the movie itself
the perpetrator was the woman Blake, ironically
@@shainanash8518 yes exactly
We don't know the truth. It's he said, she said...
At the moment
I completely agree. I hope Dr. Ramani does a video about that at some point. The Legal Eagle did one - that guys who looks like Jim from The Office and gives breakdowns on legal issues and court cases on YT.
agree!!!
My experience is that when I’ve tried talking to my abuser’s sister, (who happens to be my best friend of nearly 30 years) she doesn’t believe me and is also manipulated by her brother into believing his narrative of MY “toxic behavior”. In most cases, the abuser’s family won’t believe that their brother, son, or whomever are the abusers, and they makes excuses for them and think the actual victim is the bad guy or the wrong one. How I wish real life was like the movie!
Me too !
Because I can assure you it doesn’t happen like the movie.
Now if he jumped up & grabs her by the throat & threatened her and threatened to take the baby
Now that’s real!
For sure.
😢
they were against me
I brought RECEIPTS and still wasn't believed. It's disgusting.
My ex husband's sister saw him push me out of a chair when I was 8 months pregnant and when I came to her crying she said, well he said you haven't been cleaning the house.
We weren't best friends though, far from it.
@@halfmoon2075
You hadn’t been keeping the house clean 😱
So that justifies what he did .
Oooooo please!
Well you know what they say ( blood 🩸 is thicker than water 💧)
Unfortunately you were the water.
What a dirt bag!🤮🤬👿🤮🤬👿
To all those wanting to leave a toxic relationship. DO NOT TELL THEM BEFORE HAND. Sounds like a crap movie.
@@anonymom28❤❤
It was
Exactly. If one is able to leave...Just leave quickly and quietly. Change name, country, at least city...anything...don't tell anyone where you went...sucks, but the flying monkey's are everywhere.
And don't tell them you're pregnant
And fight for sole custody of your child. Do not let them be alone with your child
This movie is what people THINK abuse is like. And the way people THINK it can end. Simplistic and offensive to anyone who has experienced an abusive man.
Yes and the reason people THINK abusive relationships don’t end. The movie puts the onus on the woman to leave… the stereotypical “if he is so abusive, why didn’t she leave?!?!” Women don’t leave abusive relationships because they have had their soul chipped away by their abuser, because the abuser has made her financially dependent, and because it is dangerous. Lily experienced none of those things.
I so agree! I’ve been in this kind of relationship, this film makes it silly
That is exactly what i thought at the end of it: offensive! I had a 4 years psychologically and sexually abusive relationship (there was no physical violence. Actually, all the violence was so covered it was hard to see because it was all so psychological). It took me 8 months of therapy just to be able to end it! I had a job, I had my mom's support, we didn't have a child (O had a miscarriage 2 years prior) and still, it was so hard! After that, he stalked me, he pretended to have cancer, he tried hard not to let me leave, even when he and I were already with other partners. Actually, he once allured me to his house, so I could get my things and we could put an end to it and proceeded to SA me.
Of I hadn't prepared myself to leave and sustain it (I tried before, but always succumbed to his manipulations), I don't know what could've happened. What I mean is: they never make it easy that way and we also have to fight against our own destroyed self esteem to even plan on leaving. Even when we have a propitious situation to leave, it is NEVER easy. And when we're judged by others when we don't leave, cause they think it is easy just like displayed in this movie, we get even more isolated and gaslit. This movie made just an awful job on raising awareness about domestic abuse, really
Prolly writers have never dealt with it but they wanted to make a buck on trendy topic
I think the show Maid on Netflix did a better job at showing DV.
The film Sleeping With The Enemy, is a more accurate display of domestic abuse and the lengths some perpetrators will go to.
🎯🎯🎯 I literally said in my last several months with my exH, while I was secretly planning my exit (with my lawyer and therapist), that I felt like I was living in that movie. Srsly, it's living in terror, but having to pretend everything is exactly as he'd like it to be so you can be safe. ❤
@@TimesUp8888 yep. I hope you're now safe 💜
Yes!
Fucking LOOOOOVE that movie!
@DoctorRamani Could you talk about some films which accurately represent narcissistic abuse? I feel that would be an interesting set of videos, although could be triggering for some.
So many things I personally didn’t think was accurate;
The violence wasn’t insidious enough, it felt out of the blue when these things take time usually (chipping away at confidence, isolation etc)
The sister not being an enabler/ flying monkey was so inaccurate for most cases the sisters tend to not see how bad their brothers are.
The fact that she had an ex who was her saviour you’re 100% right I rolled my eyes because most women in abusive relationships don’t have a saviour, we have to save ourselves and it’s SO much more scarier the moment you leave. Like terrifying and the movie didn’t portray that at all.
Not to mention the financial abuse element they usually control or the relationships they damage with their victim making the victim feel they have nowhere to go/no one to support them.
I also felt scared when she brought up naming the baby after his brother and then asked for divorce at such a precious time. That would not have played out so calmly with usual abusers
Many women hop to the next man and use him as a reason they moved on. Infuriating. Why exchange one problem for another
I see where you and everyone are coming from but I think one positive of the movie is that you should recognize all signs and forms of abuse no matter how spread out they are. I had an ex that acted in a similar way to him and took the relationship in a similar stride (accepting the break up) when it ended as well. I still didn’t recognize until a year after how toxic it was, malicious intent or not. Months after we’d broken up and I was being a little cold to him trying to keep distance, he feel like he deliberately had a box fall on my head as payback for feeling rejected. I let myself believe it was accident even though I sensed a little satisfaction from him and that the concern was faked to save face. Sometimes they don’t look like an abuser, sometimes they look like a regular bully or someone who’s just acting out. Not all of them will be narcissists or even narcissistic in their regular behavior and nothing comes out until they’re really, really triggered (and not just peeved or inconvenienced)
so true
My ex would hurt me but always say that it was an "accident" so that part of the movie really resonated with me. He never actually slapped or punched me, but he dropped a plank of wood on my ankle and foot and crushed my foot and I was in a cast for two months. He "accidentally" drove over my foot twice. He "accidentally" broke my nose. He "accidentally" almost hit me with a car twice in 37 years. etc.
That end scene was like, "see you just need to talk with your partner and set boundaries and you won't be abused". Sooooo easy, and I was like yeah in an movie perhaps but not real life 😠
Yes I felt the ending was unrealistic.
I hated it too. I turned to my mom at the end and said this isn't the end of the movie, this is literally just the beginning. Co-parenting with someone like that is frankly a lifelong nightmare with the child either triangulated in the middle or used as narcissistic fodder
Boom. Exactly
It’s like film makers run out of money and decided to wrap it up with happily ever after ending.
@@DobbysStinkySockI think the second book tackles all of that
I loathed that movie. They left out all of the important stuff like his gaslighting, devaluing, and silent treatments, just to name a few. Agreed that they nailed love bombing. I think it did a great disservice to narcissistic abuse survivor's that don't have physical marks. Also, her successfully leaving the first time annoyed me. Not everyone has a hot unicorn dude to help her. Not to mention the money, successful business, and friend and family support. Finally, the sad story that validates the abuser and martyrs him. The final scene is such BS it made me scream at my TV! terrible movie for DOMESTIC ABUSE PURE FICTION!- 33 year survivor
I haven't seen the movie. I don't know if I want to but I found the book extremely well written, if unrealistic with the support Lily has to get out.
me 2 ,hate it
I cannot stomach a Blake Lively movie, but based on what you said, it sounds like this may have somewhat romanticized what it's like to be a survivor, maybe even something like a subtle 50-shades of grey. Sometimes it seems like Hollywood should just stop trying to speak for survivors.
I wish I could award bonus points for "hot unicorn dude"... I was almost sick to my stomach when she handed him the newborn. I was sooo scared he would kill the child right in front of her.
@CenterWomen4B Exactly. It gave her all the control an abused woman wished she could have. They didn't even tell us she was abused until a flashback sequence. Why do that? If it's about domestic abuse, show how ugly it is. They made it all pretty and very confusing. I'm not a Blake Lively fan either, especially since she had a platform to discuss domestic abuse and she chose not to. Shame on her. Someone revoke her girl card.
I started sobbing after she asked for a divorce and he walked away without an argument, on the inside I was howling “I wish it was that easy… it’s NOT!!!”
That was my main issue with the movie. That scene isn’t realistic.
Felt the same. Why won’t my abuser just go away!!!???
I can’t believe she said that to him while he was holding the baby too. That made me so uncomfortable because - in a real situation- he probably would have stolen or threatened to hurt the baby, etc.
I've heard the powers to be are considering a sequel...my thinking is that the power play isn't over. The subdued and seemingly agreeance for a divorce and walking away and accepting his fate is far from what's going to happen next. This is what Narcissists do...appear calm and agreeable (possibly allowing a false sense of security to play out) while planning the revenge. Can't wait for the sequel to depict the real outcome of what's most likely to occur to a person leaving an abusive relationship.
@ll15baiocchi27 why don't you go away? See the problem is we like to victimize ourselves and put the blame on others and expecting change on others when the change starts with us.
A very fascinating video, this brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 6 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her , but I can’t , I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
Parting ways with someone you deeply cherish is an agonizing experience. I understand firsthand, having encountered a parallel situation at the end of my 7 year relationship. Driven by an unyielding determination, I explored every avenue to salvage our bond. Seeking guidance from a spiritual counselor proved pivotal, as their intervention played a crucial role in rekindling our love.
That's fascinating! How did you come across a spiritual counselor, and what's the best way for me to contact her?
The spiritual counselor is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I'm grateful for this valuable information; I've just taken a moment to find her online.
I kept going back, and it always ended up , where the abuse happened again!
I finally understood that we get emotionally tied to them, and that’s why we are missing them!
I liked the movie, but it did trigger me. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I could relate to being blamed for everything and second guessing myself (rationalizing) on the abuse. The ex boyfriend that supports her was painful for me to watch because I did not get any support when trying to escape the abuse and my narc was believed above me so many times. I’m so glad you did a video on this! Thank you for all of your excellent content.
I felt those same triggering moments too 😢 hugs 🤗 ❤
Also, they skipped the whole isolation part of being in an abusive relationship.
No they did not, Lily had an isolated childhood.
@@sonnenschein553but they skipped the isolated feeling you have when the abuse starts. His own Sister just automatically takes her side, no questions asked. Her ex-boyfriend shows up in her life, just when things are starting to crack. The abuser is holding the new baby, & hears she wants a divorce, and he sadly, but admirably accepts it. Yeah, right. Happily ever after., Not so in real life-he wouldn’t have accepted it like that. He would have been obsessed over getting a second chance. The whole thing was an unrealistic story with pretty people in it with almost perfect lives.
Yes
Yes, they need to isolate you. Then, you have nobody to turn to for help.
It’s so true. My gfs don’t get it. And watching this they felt so empowered for me as if after 15 years how could I have not left yet. Here watch this movie for motivation.
Dr Ramani going OFF on this movie gave me LIFE!!! Love this.
Yes
I think they wanted to make the female be a hero. They wanted her to put her abuser in his place. They wanted to show how she "took control" and "won" in the end. In reality, you never get any of that. The only thing you can "win" at is getting out with your life. That movie REALLY missed the mark.
Agree. But would people go see a movie that depicted the reality? It has been done in the past, of course.
@@sitori663the reality is more like a horror film. After telling him she wanted a divorce, he comes into the room and poisons her IV. That is the more realistic version.
Yes. THIS. The only "win" you ever get is maybe primary custody, and that's a big maybe, and getting free of the abuser when your child graduates from high school.
Colleen Hoover based this book on her own parents. I get that she loved her father, but it seems to have made her incapable of showing how abuse really happens. She wanted to portray Ryle as a sensitive, reasonable man.
Ugh it’s like the writers went out of their way to misrepresent abuse, gross!
Hollywood is Hollywood is Hollywood.
Thank you Dr, for this video
So much light and love your way 💫💖💫💖💫
I watched it counting the red flags… Half way through, there were AT LEAST 17!! I agree with you, Dr. Ramini!
When she asked for divorce while he was holding the baby I was freaking out! Then I was surprised he didn't had a melt down and put the baby at risk... Then I remembered it was a movie.
IKR??🙄👀🤦🏾♀️
Oh i so agree. Was freaking out like is she crazy? What about her precious baby?
😢 me too! I was like OMG don't say that now.
I wondered how he kept his medical license after he beats her. I think the hospital would noticed.
I was seriously waiting for something to happen
The 1991 film, "Sleeping With the Enemy," starring Julia Roberts was a bit more accurate - although in the immediate post break-up phase, she too magically happened upon a unicorn of a man before she was fully healed, and things worked out in the end, aww.
The husband she had fled was clearly a malignant narcissist and it took him dying for her to be free. That's a bit closer to the truth of narcissistic abuse.
And that was years n years of abuse too. She was saving money for a long time n had a plan. Watching that movie even I didn't believe that new man bc I just have a hard time believing them. 😪. I'm hoping he did turn into a good guy n not another douche. Also, applaud to Julia Robert's acting
The most dangerous time is when we leave.
Women or men who experienced physical or psychological abuse growing up as either victims or observers are more vulnerable to relationships with abusers. The best thing they can do for themselves before dating and beginning any relationship is to engage in therapy to address the abuse issues so they can go on in life with healthy relationships they are worthy of having. Learning to love and protect yourself is imperative and it must be your priority.
Dr Ramani is a precious jewel in our loves ❤️
God Bless this remarkable soul.❤
I had the same issues with the movie. No raging-narc is going to walk away quietly like the abusive doctor did in this movie. He would have demanded to have custody/visitation with his newborn and tried to force the florist mom to stay with him. The sister would have sided with her damaged brother in real life as well. The movie fell apart for me since it was so unbelievable towards the end.
I suspect they just needed a happy ending
@@AlissaSss23, or they didn’t have much time and money to make a happy ending but the right way. It supposed to be a series to make it realistic.
Book sequel ‘ It Starts With Us’ has some of this what you mentioned. Post divorce Narc are depicted in the sequel book. Must read..
You hit the nail on the head “raging-narc”👍
"Unfortunately", in my experience, "enablers"( great keyword!) are the majority of inhabitants of the "real world": as it's often easier for them to side with the perpetrators and revictimise women and children rather than out them/ the assailants and confront them...
Every time I left, my family sent me back to my successful, incredibly fit handsome ex. People made me feel like I wasn’t going to do better or that it wasn’t as bad as it appeared that all relationships have problems and I always went back. I finally got away, but it took a lot.
I tried to leave and went to my mom's house, and she let him in when I was hiding in the back. She also would pretend to hang up on him and let him listen to our conversations.
@@ericawarrenWhoa. So sorry!
😢@@ericawarren
But you're out now, so you're a winner. Stay safe and have peace ❤
@ericawarren she's a flying monkey. This reminds me of the Tina Turner movie, when her husband buys her mum a house, so now the mum has HIS back
Her telling him she is leaving him at hospital and he goes 'ok' with no repercusións was a hideous portrayal!
This scene hit home for me. I told my last partner I was done with the role I was playing in our relationship. He told me he was happy I was finally getting on with my life. I don’t think he understood what I was telling them. The relationship of his devaluation, disrespect, and manipulation was over. I believe he already had one or more suppliers waiting in the wings.
*Precisely. Fantasy. They wanted to portray an "ideal" version of positive masculinity in that scene. 🩶*
@StellaMontenegro
They wanted the abuser to be suddenly "woke", "evolved" or at least "normal"😂
Next up for the "ex" abuser:
He is teaching a workshop on consent.😂
@susierippetoe2167 *Absurd, Hollywood style is wishful thinking at best, indeed. "Too good to be true." 😪*
The only thing that I can think of to defend that choice was that it was also his work place, but that wouldn't mean he would act the same way outside the presence of his coworkers.
Years ago a drunken partner who was probably a narcissist hit me in the face & left a bruise. I took my puppy & went to stay in my mom’s camper for a nite but told her the dog caused the black eye. She didn’t buy it & simply told me that it was unacceptable. No argument & no sympathy! I got free & stayed out of the dating scene as I went back to teaching then bought two homes over the next 2 decades. Then my malignant narc father finally died & I broke my lucky record by getting involved with… you guessed it! It’s so important to heal your trauma first then date again. My story about how my mom handled that situation has helped other people, including a couple of parents! It works… abuse is unacceptable. Period.
"... I could shut my practice down and retire." 100% Facts!
Thank you for reviewing this film. I refused to support it when it was being promoted and after its release; you confirmed my initial instinctual aversion.
My abusive ex made everyone hate me when I left him, he made it up as if I was the problem. I wish I had support when I needed it, but everyone around me just conveniently stepped away from the situation…
I hope you're feeling safe and have peace now. Best wishes ❤
@ Thank you
That happened to me as well.
@trixjoyce, you are a hero! Always remember that!
That is terrible to hear.
From personal experience…. Telling your abuser that you’re on to them (confronting them in any way) or telling them your plans to leave is the WORST move you can make. One thing I had to learn repeatedly was to never ever “talk it out” with an abuser, because a lot of abusive ppl ENJOY watching you suffer. So talking to them will just give them more ammo and more reason to retaliate and make your life even worse.
I agree. My situation was different I guess, he wasn't in upper hand situation, but I told him I'm getting rid off him, what was insane how he absolutely wouldn't believe it! LOL. But post when I made it happen, obviously physically abuse and harassment went up. But for me worst was over and then COVID happened
so true
Even a serial killer doesn’t kill someone every day. It took me attending 1 meeting of a group of domestic violence survivors made me leave for good and not look back
And many serial killers have been married with kids. I can't even imagine what those relationships were like...
Good for you!!!🎉❤
Exactly. Jeffrey Dahmer didn't eat people for over 99.9% of his life. It's the .01% that means something .
I saw this movie as I was going through it with my narcissist. I went alone bc we were fighting & cried during the movie. It helped me to see it even more & I decided to leave & was lucky enough to not get pregnant. He asked why I went to see it in such a bad place bc it's what was needed at the time. It helped me to realize I deserved better. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but it's the last time I will allow myself to go through that again. I did have support though & a loving family awaiting my return back home!
This movie could very well be from the 90s because of how it romanticizes abuse in a story where everything magically works itself out for the protagonist. In my opinion it is quite absurd, as if it were a parody of reality. And as someone who barely managed to get out of a very psychologically abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist just last year with looots of therapy, I find it almost offensive because of the simplistic way in which they portrayed a relationship that in reality has an endless number of very complex and difficult nuances to deal with. Thank you so much Dr Ramani, you've helped so many of us.
So true!! Im in a homeless shelter, long story short. I wish they would have shown that side of it, also how the mom said she didnt leave because it was easier to stay. I. Wish they would have pointed out the fear of leaving. The times i left my abusers, i had to sneak out and leave when they wernt there. Him and my “mother” were teamed up to send me to the mental institution because i was “crazy.”
I love that you put your point of view on the movie, you hit very good points i completley agree with you. Also, you straight up saved me i think i have watched all of your videos😂 and im finally free! I may be in a homeless shelter- but with your help im finally free. Well physically anyway… still alot of work to do with my therapist to free myself psychologically.
Hello, I read your comment and I want to say 'Good for you!!" Right on for getting away from the abuser and in a shelter!
I have a friend who've been abused by her ex husband for many years. I tried to get her into a women's shelter and she basically makes tons of excuses not to go to one.
I think you're amazing for taking that step and saving yourself.
You will thrive.
@@desireedesenna9673 🧡
OMG, you're OUT! You're free and safe. Stay away from the abuser, mKe sure no one knows your location. Sending ❤ and stay strong ❤❤❤
You made me cry. I am so happy you made it out! Stay strong! Wish you to find happiness, success, and true love.
Yep my mother did the same for years telling to stay because she didn’t want to help me . I found out she was a narcissist too later both gaslighting me until I thought I was crazy . I didn’t even trust my own body.
When I left my 23 year marriage I had no support whatsoever. My mother had been abusive to me and she would not help at all even when I told her he had punched me. She left me in that house with him. Husband smeared me to all our 'couple' friends. I bought a key lock door knob and put it on one of the bedroom doors and moved my belongings in to that room and lived there til I could find a place to live. When entering the house I had 911 punched in to my phone so if he tried anything before I could get to the locked room, I just had to press one button. He tried many things like emptying bank accounts, having hidden bank accounts, etc. I have been free of him for 7 years and I really don't know how I found the strength to get away.....
What a creep...I wonder if you can't ask something from the justice system...after all the things he did wrong, locking bank accounts etc,and maybe you got proofs of the abuse IDK..all these things you mention add up and kinda "show" on some files...even later he could het in trouble for what he did to you...then no girl would have to live with him (I feel that the exes should warn us..when we meet an abuser. When I did no one cared about me, the exes said nothing . Fear gotta change of side,with help of the police...even in the past it works in some places).I mean especially in the U.S.not my country at all but you yes.aand some other places I lived in yes, they are serious about DV,even past dom .violence And I dislike your mom...I wonder if there isn't a connection...she seems abusive, like my mom was, and we both met an abusive guy(in the past thank GOD)..maybe they are the "reason".I'm mad at your mom.❤
You must be proud of yourself
I'm glad you got away.
💛
It would NOT have been that calm, and the cooperation would NOT have been there at the end. It would have been hell.
Unless he’s just faking it till he regains his control over her. That’s when Ted Bundy’s began to kill in revenge
Actually your analysis is the best review of any film I've ever seen - Dr R you elegantly dismantled a plot pinned together by wishful thinking not insight. Some audiences could feel gaslit by the unreality of it all - which is a kick in the teeth to those hoping for more.
Sleeping with the enemy by Julia Robert’s was the perfect depiction of narcissistic abusive relationship. The movie shooked me to core as a 15 year old and later taught me to notice red flag with my first bf.
It end with us was like looking into from the rose glass window.
Spot on. It took me years and a very strong restraining order that took three tries in court to get to finally leave for good. He became violent and had refused to leave before I got the move out order. Since the violence was only towards furniture and not me within 180 days of the court hearing, it took a lot of convincing for the judge to make a decision. I had cameras set up all around the house which I used as evidence. Both of my parents discouraged and even guilted me for leaving. I was unemployed at the time. Thankfully, I was also almost 5 years sober and had built a strong support system around me and my kids. I already had full custody since we were already divorced a few years prior and he didn't have a leg to stand on. It didn't matter that his family was against me because I had already moved away from them. Leaving an abuser is a terrifying battle. There really needs to be more legitimate counseling and support available.
same, I wanted to unlike
I keep seeing movies (and even Ted Lasso) where after an honest conversation, tada! The narcissist sees the error of their ways and becomes a nice person to be around. I think people without narcissists in their lives (or even therapy websites) think this is how it actually works. "Just talk to them.". (To anyone experiencing an abusive family member - take care of you.)
💯
ha
This is why when we try to leave we are called shameless and all sort of names. Asked “if it was so bad why did you not just bloody leave.”
This!
But when you try to leave. You get shamed for it
Ironically,the same people who’ve said that to me, I found later, were even less assertive than me in their relationships.. it’s easy to throw rocks when you don’t live in a glass castle..
@@TR-nv3if I agree.
Or there is also “why did you get involved with this guy in the first place? “ people can be so judgemental
As someone who was a real abusive marriage, what you are saying is SPOT ON, the movie is a joke to a real victim and it is pure fantasy and romanticized abuse.
You're so right! This should be aired as a public service announcement.
Thank you!! As a survivor, I hated this “DV Lite” film and found it incredibly dangerous.
Yes!!! Same here.
Completely dangerous. I truly hope no abused woman thinks it will be that easy and safe to have conversations with their abuser regarding leaving. As those of us who have been through this know that would be a truly dangerous mistake
100% agree! Normally the physical and emotional abuse gets much worse and it takes years to leave. Many end up going back several times too. Most do not get out in the beginning like she does.
She was able to leave because she didn't financially depend on him.
It's never about money in a DV relationship. It's about the abuser's utmost control over their partner. There was no way a raging abuser would ever accept the perosn they are abusing to ever call the shots. Never. It's all about control for the abuser.
I somewhat agree, having money to leave helps a little, but the battle is internal and learning self worth and to find help. The hardest battle is unlearning the conditioning and programming, that you are not worthy of true love and care.
@@taniarogers-zu8nqabsolutely I agree with you. Yes having $$, moral support, help. But it’s the
deprogramming, so much more. Stop blaming ourselves.. mental manipulation…
I had money to leave and still had to deal with his vindictive rage on all kinds of life technicalities and emotional extortion. It's not about money, it's about control.
It's true. Everyone reaches that point when they want to leave even if it's after 30 years and they need money to try.
Spot on Dr Ramani. The support is everything. The lack of support, financial and kids and continuous abuse both physical and mental by the ex make it nearly impossible to leave safely
😭
That’s the wonderful spot I’m in right now
Excellent evaluation, Dr Ramani! Thank you for your words. I feel encouraged in ways I cannot even verbalize here. After years of marriage and individual counseling, I spent 2024 leaving and divorcing a narcissistic husband (38 yrs of marriage). It was a lot of work financially, emotionally, and physically (moving multiple times in 1 yr as a 60 yr old). Even though I was not physically abused, I am STILL afraid of that man because of his unexpected fits of rage. I didn’t feel safe until I moved to the other side of the country. The movie may be entertaining for some, but the storyline concerns me, as well, because it strays from reality and safe best practices. THANK YOU!!
Superb! Never better said, Doctor!!!! Thank you for balancing fantasy with a bit of reality-based resetting narrative. For those of us with abusive histories, this is a breath of fresh air. For those progressing through survival, it's highly encouraging.
The scene at the hospital is so unrealistic. She would have been terrified. He would've gotten enraged and would've probably attacked her again.
Absolutely agree
That’s exactly what I was thinking!
At the hospital? When he's a surgeon? Doubt it. He has a reputation to protect.
@@chaoswitch1974 at the very least he would've threatened her. He would definitely not be calm like in that scene believe me.
@@chaoswitch1974Wirh loss of self-control, those don't matter at the time.
It was the classic “Cinderella” with a twist. Mr. Prince Charming was patiently waiting in the wings for her. After ditching the Narcissist Mr Perfect was only a snap of her fingers away. The fairy tale story line still perverts reality.
💯
so much so
The scene at the end where he just agrees to a divorce and peacefully walks away was so unrealistic. In reality he would immediately start gaslighting and downplaying his actions. And if she stood her ground on the divorce, he would go to the bank, withdraw everything from their shared account so she would have no resources, then he would have hired an aggressive attorney to fight for sole custody of their baby.
You’re great Dr Ramani! Love your analysis! It’s so real! Hollywood is full of fantasy!
I am Narcissistic Survivor and I personally liked the movie because at the end we saw her perception on how things really happened and at the end who she’s saying “It ends with us “ got me by a pleasant surprise
IT END WITH A RESTRAINING ORDER
👋
No, it ends when they are in jail for violating the restraining order. Then she moves quickly and disappears before he gets out.
@laurahardgrove955 It ends with a restraining order.The rest is history 👍
Or it ends in death...
I couldn't get a restraining order on my husband after 2 police visits but he kept running before the cops got to our house...so not always
@@annrodriguez2891 Yes, always get a restraining order even if he runs.There are laws that protect.You don't say that you can't get one you can
It's funny how we see storylines differently depending on the phase of recovery we're in. I have a whole collection of books and movies I'm getting rid of because now that the "new me" is reading/watching them again, they literally scream red flags. I vote for Dr. Ramani to be involved as an expert in the next domestic-abuse movie!
I am going through that right now.
One such movie is Devil Wears Prada... red flag galore in the movie!
I was left feeling empty with this movie. It highlighted only the physical aspect of abuse (which is awful in itself) and left out ALL of the accounts of mental and emotional abuse.
I concur
this is probably one of the best depictions of this movie. This is exactly what the world needed to hear. Thank you so much for your great work.
Thank you! I never watched the movie just because of all the drama with regard to Blake downplaying domestic violence. But as a survivor, I can testify to everything that you’re saying. They don’t cover the fact that maybe you have to leave with your kids zero money in your bank account and have to start over because you gave your whole life to this other person. There’s a lot of things that they could’ve done better from what I’ve heard. Thank you for spreading the word.Proud to be a domestic violence survivor that walked away 12 years ago haven’t looked back.
I've not seen the film, only one scene (the "what would you tell if it was your daughter" scene and I was done there right away, what a sugarcoated crap), but if I want to remind myself how I felt when I was in an abusive relationship with a narc (including my parent), I revisit the classic movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman. What an old movie, and what an amazingly and painfully spot on depiction of REAL narcissistic abuse.
Is that where the term originally came from? I’ll check the movie out. Thank you.
@HandsomeMalcolmcats yes, it is. Highly recommend, a masterpiece.
I will never watch this movie but I raced to watch this as soon as it popped up on my feed. Not all heroes wear capes Dr. Ramani!
Exactly. Me too.
Same. I don't watch any "movies" with domestic violence as a main theme because I have no need to retraumatize myself that way... It's been 5 yrs since I left, 4.5 since the last time I saw him...
So very true! They downplayed abuse, and actually made the readers and the audience like and feel bad for the abusive dude. And of course, as you said, one very lucky abused woman who basically had the love and support of everyone, and a magical success. It was a fairytale, like Cinderella and all other Disney cartoons.
Yep it's Cinderella about popular theme of abuse. Jeez I hate Hollywood. It's just appealing to people's emotions and whatever is trendy
My first time here. This was an exceptional video. As a happy single 60 plus woman whom has been abused many times from exes I applaud you on your accuracy. New subscriber here.
My dad isn’t physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive. He tormented my mom up until I turned 18 and they divorced when I was 2. He wasn’t really interested in gaining custody of me or being a good dad, he just hated my mother for leaving him and still holds that grudge to this day.
My story is that my toxic ex's little sister has been the worst flying monkey of them all. She helped my ex with his verbal abuse of me while we were married and now she defends him when he married his mistress (a former "friend" of mine who even traveled with me and my ex while we were married). I think it is extremely rare for the narcissist to have a family that supports their victim.
I supported the victim(s) twice. My nephew was a monster. Paid for the 1st wife to obtain an attorney. Attempted to keep the 2nd woman from marrying him. Then assisted her with leaving & divorcing him. She lived with us for months. My nephew knew my husband & I would physically & legally protect her. 1st wife married him again under pressure of her adult children. I have no words.
I had a supportive family and the financial means to leave, and I still went back several times. This is a great assessment of the shortcomings of this movie. It is not a realistic interpretation of domestic abuse and what comes after leaving. The threats, the stalking, the intimidation that happens when abusers start to lose control. The best advice we can give to people who are experiencing abuse, is that even if you leave and go back several times, one day you will find the strength to not go back. And even though this time can be dangerous, the internal liberation is worth it. 🙏
God bless.
…the excuses for him. That’s what I did not like. There is always an excuse.
Right, which is why the movie is extremely accurate.
That was the most accurate part for me. They ALWAYS have a hundred excuses for the way they act the way they do and for why it's YOUR responsibility to "cut them some slack" and not hold them accountable. My narcissistic mother is the queen of this. She'll go off on a rage, scream at me, call me names, sometimes even hit me, and then come back the next day acting like nothing happened until I force the issue, and then it becomes "oh I'm mentally ill, I can't help it, I had a shitty childhood and you're being mean to me about it now, how dare you! 😭" 🙄🙄🙄
Dr. Ramini.....THANK YOU again for "WAKING PEOPLE UP". I saw a clip it of this movie and was DISGUSTED by the scene of her asking him ...."what would you tell your daughter". BBBBAAAAADDDD parenting......putting an innocent child in the direct path of a KNOWN STORM. A disservice to the realties REAL survivors of domestic violence/abuse have authentically experienced. Good call on bringing this Romantic nonsense to light. 👍
Enough and Sleeping With the Enemy are way better reflections of abusive relationships
I've been with a malignant/sadistic narcissist for over 13 years and read the book shortly after its release, but I did not see the movie, and you are spot on. I felt the same way, if only it were that easy! I've tried and failed several times to leave, but Dr. Ramani is preparing me for the viscous divorce to come. I am finally following through and serving him after the New Year. 🎉
Good luck with it all. Just make sure you’re safe. Happy Christmas…here’s to your new life of freedom xx
congratulations, well done!
Do you really need an official divorce? Just leave and establish your own financial life if you can. If you initiate a divorce with a narcissist, you will be in for a horrible ride. I did not have a choice but to initiate because he refused to, trying to get maintenance payments from me. We also have a kid so I can't separate completely.
Good. Don't think about the divorce or what's next. Really, one day, one thing at a time. Have you found a support group? Please do yourself a favor and go. Best of luck.
I wish you all the best, stand strong and stick to YOUR plan regardless.
SOOOOO GLAD YOU COMMENTED ON THIS!!!!! NOOOOO THE MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE! ANOTHER FANTASY DELUSION! It feels like Hollywood wants to continue to program us to "accept" this $h*ty behavior from men, and ALL the media coverage on it was terrible too! Blake didn't want to address the actual topic of the movie at all! She constantly deflects, changes the subject, makes a joke, and just starts some superficial side conversation. I couldn't wrap my head around it! Again I'm SO happy you made this video THANK YOU!! You are a GEM 💎
Blake Lively was following Sony's marketing strategy
@@sallyjrwjrw6766 Blake was promoting her alcohol brand (completely tone deaf given the theme of the movie), her hair care line and going on about florals and bringing your girlfriends to watch this fun summer movie. She had too much say in how it was marketed in my opinion.
Blake is the narcissists
“Painfully attractive.” Good description!
The ex nor anyone would probably never help! Don’t wait for someone to save you. And the husband never admits to wrongdoing, ever! And friends at the end? Never…..
WOW this lady is SO GOOD. I am so glad that Dr. Ramani is sharing about these things because a few spiritual leaders say that one person can fix a relationship by your thoughts and sending the evil doer blessings and I believed that for years on end but in my real life experience, the only way which has worked for me is detaching and disconnecting from such people - not by trying to fix
One of the biggest red flag was when the abuser’s sister warned lily about her brother, not jokingly but seriously.
Absolutely she warned her!
I grew up in a home where my mother was abused by my dad when he was drunk but when I was a teen I met someone I really really liked and I moved in with him. About a month in we had a disagreement and he pushed me down on the bed and pulled back his fist as if he was about to hit me. I packed and moved and never saw him again. He told people that he was going to find me and kill me so I can see how women become afraid to leave.
Dr. Ramani, I want to thank you with my WHOLE heart for your efforts. This has been the year of epiphany for me. Sixty six years old, how sad is that? To discover your life wasn't what you thought, and that 2 plus 2 doesn't equal 4 with narcs. They live by their own sad, scared rules of life. God bless this world.
I hear you, I'm 68. I've been suicidal. No kids to motivate me or give me a reason to stay. I just got a therapist, though. Please remember that you are not alone. Try to find a support group. That was helpful for me. Best wishes-
You hit the nail right on the head!! Not real life.. thank you for videos like this that expose some of the things that happen that are kept quiet or behind closed doors because of shame, fear and the feeling of being “stuck”.
Thank you so much for sharing these insights! As an abuse survivor my first thought after watching the movie was "In which realm does this happen?". The reality is so different from what has been shown. A lot of people judge me because I took 6.5years before stepping out of my abusive marriage, thank YOU for pointing out how difficult it can be for someone without any support to just walk out. Security is a major issue in these kinds of relationships. Thank you again Dr. Ramani! Thank you for all you do! Have a wonderful year ahead!
Leaving does not guarantee peace in the future. Usually they find ways to get revenge, either through kids or trying to sabotage the victims job, or using both families against the victim etc etc.
It makes it seem like "ending it" is something that you do WITH an abuser and that couldn't be further from the truth.
I'm not surprised at the garbage ending considering the drama coming out about the abusive behavior on set. Abusive people making a gaslighty film about abuse that sets unrealistic expectations is not surprising at all. It helps keep victims stuck.
Spot on doctor R
you never fail us❤
Oh you described the beginning of my relationship with an abusive narssist. The love bombing, the short dating period that led to marriage in 7 months. The fist through a lamp was the first red flag. I had no supporters including my own family. It took 8 years to end the marriage and my life was a living hell but I survived and thrived w a lot of therapy. Thank you
Before seeing your video, I was telling my husband the same. 30 years ago, I was Lilly. Unfortunately, When I married for the first time, I was hit several times. Then I had to request a restriction order while getting divorced and lost thousands of dollars in attorneys and three precious years of my life. Once we had to hide for Halloween, and I told my son it was just part of the fun. Fortunately, we survived. I will always be thankful to God and to Texas justice.
That was my exact thought watching the unrealistically calm scene where she asks him "What would you to say to her?" My abuser would have RAGED at that question.
Excellent analysis - I think Hollywood is just afraid to go there so they do the ‘abuse light’ version which just makes it more difficult for survivors trying to explain their predicament to those who haven’t lived it.
I felt the same way watching the ending. I was yelling at the TV going, 'Where is the stalking and going after her, or at least him trying to take their child!'
It's sad that I felt that way, but I know what it's like. Also, maybe the book is more in depth, but for how violent he truly was (trying to bite off her tattoo and shoving her down a flight of stairs) I'm surprised the movie ended the way it did... It was a shock to my system to see that. Extremely unrealistic... 😢
we're seeing the narcissistic abusive ways playing out now with all the legal drama/accusations!
will be interesting to see how it all plays out and what the truth is decided to be (by a judge, the public, or jury)
I went to see the movie because a friend recommended it. I was hesitant to go because of my own experience. But she thought it was such a good movie. In the end, I walked out shaken with my previous abusive relationship memories come to the surface for me to honor and heal another layer. I get concerned about this type of movie; making these relationships seem romantic. It took me 3 years to successful walk away. Thankfully I walked away from my engagement and I didn't have any children. I recall going in many times saying to him I wanted to leave and several hours later he would have my brain and emotions spinning where in the end I was apologizing to him for even thinking about leaving. Thank you for this video. You brought up so many important points. To anyone in an abusive relationship, my heart goes out to you and sendingprayers. For those who have left and continue to heal, I'm sending you a great big hug.
I was in an abusive relationship that had NON of the "typical" qualities they talk about, he wasn't controlling, he didn't gas light or make excuses, he was just crazy and couldn't control his anger (he was diagnosed with schizophrenia years after we broke up) I literally saw him snap in and out of reality, not every abusive relationship looks the same or had the same problems, that needs to be talked about more
It's true not everyone's the same, l think she's talking about most common. Mine didn't hit, control or get jealous like the other narcissists l know...l had issues and problems and blamed my self for how disconnected he was, he could have a moment of charming but he could not talk all day, get sexually inappropriate joking in bad situations. let people walk all over me saying 'what can l do?'and sexually abuses me...he always asked for weird kinks, the abuse mostly came with consent after his relentless gentle pushing. l fractured 2 bones (not from him) but his sex wants is why they wouldn't heel. He only helped with 1 of our kids and that slowly stopped after 2 years. It made me think he wa committed just in a tough spot with work...l was wrong. He wasn't like the basic narcissists but he has morphed into it after 14 years. He now does want to control and he does have plans to isolate me, and he doesn't even try with the charm or pretend moments of understanding anymore.
In the book the characters and relationships are explained in a different, more detailed way. This man is not a typical abuser at all, he is a nice person most of the time, but has these post traumatic blackouts occasionally, when triggered. And he did go to the therapy in his childhood.
Thank you for this because I felt the same way. I feel like all the comments are just people saying that every single abuser acts exactly the same and even the professional in the video alluded to the same thing. I also felt like lily in the movie getting in his face when he tried to walk away to cool off in the scene right before the push down the stairs seemed odd to me like it almost felt like Ryle was trying to deal with his anger and not get physically violent, and then she chases after him literally relentlessly to the point that he was provoked. I know it sounds like I'm blaming Lily and I'm not. I'm just saying that there are situations where someone's really trying to deal with their anger in the correct way and continuously provoking them doesn't seem like something that Lily or someone in her situation would've done and him possibly walking away and her just letting him do so would have likely resulted in that particular episode of abuse not happening.
THANK YOU! I was trying to tell my middle school girls that a man with narc personality would NEVER let them go. He would try and own them. Tell her family she was the crazy one, try and take the daughter away from her out of spite and jealousy! He would never walk away. Never see logic or have empathy. So sad that girls eat this fantasy up. Thank you, Dr. R. for your voice.
I was in an abusive relationship for years many years ago and while I have spent the last 20 years working on ME and I am a completely valuable human being today - I cannot watch or read this type of movie/book. But my 15 year old niece asked me if I had read the book, I said no. She asked me why. Before I replied, I asked her what she thought- she said she really like it😢😢😢😮😮. I let her express herself and then I shared my reasoning for not supporting such a book or movie, I did my best to gently show her that this is a glorified “Disney” tale and that an abusive relationship does not always end in a happy ending. If someone is able to leave (like me) it takes years of self work to get to loving yourself again. My heartbreaks because I know she doesn’t get it! Ugh! Thank you for your analysis!
Thank you for making this. Was trying to decide how I felt about the movie...this sums it up from a professional perspective perfectly and is both validating for survivors and also hopefully is eye opening for anyone who romanticized the film.
Yes, it never is like this. You almost get addicted to the fear you feel everyday. Until you disappear..you loose your light.