Yes me too! Used my vulnerabilities against me. I honestly thought this can’t be happening! They were narcissist too. Which I figured out later. I know what I’m not sharing anymore. Until I get that space healed. Though may never heal idk . Mom’s the word.
@@SherryTomlinson-r2y If you have one narc in your life, you probably actually have a few, you just dont realise. And you will be traumatised and then subsequently re-traumatised
@@liambraithewaite6415 I noticed about all I had were narcissist!! At this time I was so mentally ill I had a day program to go too. The program didn’t know what I had been through but at least I felt safe.
I have discovered that its almost dangerous to share anything that may imply that you somehow in a less ‘normal’ soccial state like being an orphan, not married, uneducated ‘enough’ anything that will give others possibility to make your life disadvantages or tragedies a target to later harm you
I often leave conversations with healthy people feeling like I'm the one who's toxic because I over shared and made it all about me. I'm always second guessing myself and replaying the entire conversation, beating myself up thinking I'm the narcissist. I hate that feeling. It's so hard to find the balance. These toxic relationships steal our ability to communicate.
I would say to all the people who have been through emotional/physical abuse. Don't feel guilty for self isolation, dont feel guilty for oversharing, for meltdowns. You have been abused, you have been hurt. You are allowed to make mistakes, you are allowed to have a messy healing journey. It's all good. I pray for your healing, take care everyone 🙏💗✨
Cant even trust a narcissist family and they use it against you and blame it on you and ypu cant even stand up for yourself because they will call you selfish EVEN when you told their actions to them and its a living hell that even family cant be trusted when im sharing my story
@@LisaNeWoman until you’re able to leave and are gone for quite some time, I think a narcissist, thus a narcissistic family also, feels you’re simply held captive. If not by them, then by society.
Flying monkeys will get ahold of the information. Some monkeys are quite up front about spying on you for the narc, being overly friendly in a phony way even when you have made it clear you aren't interested.
Yes. Thank you Dr. Ramani. For those Christians out there, there is a bible verse that talks about pushing the plow forward and to not look back. Keep your prayers and confidences with the Lord, don’t dwell on it, trust the Lord and keep on keeping on. Learn from mistakes, forgive yourself and move on.
We feel like we have to explain ourselves because we were constantly accused of doing things we CLEARLY didn't and or being blamed for things that were COMPLETELY out of our control, like other people's behaviors, feelings and even the abuse they inflicted upon us!!!
Yes it's like we need the world to know what other people did to us! Why should that be a secret, if we don't tell them the bad person is being protected. We should be allowed to tell our stories, of how we have been treated badly.
Yes , especially for empaths or HSPs ( like myself ) I’m learning now it’s ok if people think I’m a bitch. It’s exhausting having to constantly feel the need to explain myself. Authentic relationships aren’t complicated. For me, it’s just that simple . If it’s complicated , i shut it down immediately. Maybe it’s a trauma response idk .. but it’s working for me.
I over shared with my sister. I was traumatized - tormented. I just thought, No one understands this situation, unless They've been through it all. I just wanted her to know what I went through. I could ignore the stupid games and antics... Yet Every Day, I felt like an invisible baseball bat was beating me on my back...
OMG. I left churches, left groups, etc. after being so embarrassed following over sharing. I couldn't seem to help myself. It spilled out, spilled over. I would isolate to stop myself from "bleeding" on other people and leaving myself vulnerable. I felt so much shame and thought I was the only one. Thank you for helping me forgive myself ❤
I dont know why it's so hard to just forgive ourselves. If you try to look at yourself from the outside and see your own hurt,... say to yourself its ok now. Its over. And see that you deserve forgiveness.
Thank you. I've been doing this and I hate it 😢. My reasons I've realized. 1. We need someone to tell us we're not crazy 2. We realized we might have had guidance or a wake up call if we had told someone sooner. 3. We need someone to know who and how this person really is. 4. We need to get it out of us. 5. Because we've literally been driven crazy
Yes. Thank you. I share, and I don't know if I'm oversharing (I certainly am not giving anyone my SS* or bank account number, although the narcissist I'm no-contact with has tried to get it!!! LOL!), but I share my experiences, because I am still hashing out what was real and what was fake. 52 years of brainwashing takes time to undo. I'm very very lucky I have a supportive system of friends and remaining family, who believe and understand me. I know some people do not have this, and they need a therapist or someone to help them with reality-checks. It can be hard to discern whom you can trust after narcissistic abuse. It takes time to understand how you've been fooled.
But you clearly were crazy, insane, by gettin into relationships with them in the first place. How many MASSIVE red flags did you ignore just to be with the person? Think about that!
I over shared with my friend for a few years, it was hard and draining on her but she now thanks me because she can spot a narcissist a mile away without having gone through the abuse 🙏
I over-share about my joys (gardening) and my challenges with somebody who is probably a covert narcisist. However, he has the same cultural heritage as me. (As he is very analytical and logical, I owe him a 1000$ for the free therapy. (It is harder to overshare if your best friend with whom you share your growth since 3 years, lives 900 km (or 2 days away). (I try to put my ambiguous thoughts (think-FEELINg) in a draft e-mail. (I tenc to save the draft... read again the draft 2 weeks later, and it is NO longer relevant. But I had to get it out of me (electronically) to get through the day, without being in panick mode. (Without ruminating till my body gets exhausted too).
@@karenhoward5550 your friend is a good friend. She learned from your sharings to avoid future pains. Others just listen so that they can have something to gossip about.
I'm in a 12 step programme and do daily outreach calls. We listen to each other for 4 minutes each without interrupting. Doing this daily has really helped me stop over sharing.
But are you listenin to the person talking or tuning it out till your 4 minutes is go? Great rule just is it beneficial to the person who has the floor.
I overshared because I had to vomit 🤢 all that toxic crap he put it inside me. It's good and bad because you attract more narcissists, but it's good because you learn to not trust NO-ONE! THIS LIFE IS ONLY YOU AND GOD! ❤
One way to check if someone is unsafe is if the person is too opinionated, gives free advice or completely ignores you while you speak and has no empathy. Another way to check is to see how she views people , her friends. Sometimes we ignore or accept the smallest red flags .
@@thomaspierce9458 wondering if part of the reason we over share, is in part, because we feel we’re protecting narcissists. The reality? They’re well-protected, either way.
A man I dated for a very short time punched me in the head when I caught him cheating, I ended up having a stroke due to chiropractors moving my neck after he hit me, the injury compounded , I shared my story online after my stroke and after four years of abuse after getting hit from other folks pretending my issues weren’t real. My sister lashed out at me for sharing, told me I was attention seeking, insulted my image after stroke bc I’m bald, and then flipped it and said I was harrassing her for saying she was being incredibly hurtful and bullying me , oversharing made me realize the other narcs around me , people who were cruel to me about sharing I realized were also cruel in similar ways my whole life more covertly , this has been really lonely learning how much of America is truly narcissistic in their temperaments. How to share your story when folks bully you to maintain pathological control
Jeez, I thought I was the only one who overshared. This happened straight after my relationships with narcissistic people ended. I overshared A LOT. However, overtime I healed and now I’m a very private person that hardly shares anything 🤷🏼♀️ I always thought to myself why I overshared, but after watching this video it makes complete sense. I was very broken and needed a lot of reassurance and love to heal and sometimes I was trying to get that from any person or environment.
I overshare because being with a covert narcissist, I would always get the silent treatment. Also, because I want to be rid of the shame I've carried for so long. I want to speak out what I spent a lifetime hiding from others. I guess it's my way of correcting the record. I want my autonomy and authenticity back.
Same here. I don't overshare but I've always felt guilty about my true self because of years of conditioning to feel ashamed of being different. Now I share with people my views , and I show them who I am.
I felt the same way. Learned the hard way oversharing only hurts me. I wanted everyone to know how abusive and cruel he was, but it didn’t make a difference. Nobody cared he cheated, abandoned his kids, or traumatized me.
It’s kind of like “PLEASE! One person help me make what I am going through/just went through make sense!!” It’s traumatic and if you’ve never been through it, it is unbelievable! But I PROMISE YOU: once you e come through the other side; and you will, you will struggle again because you’ll think everyone is a narcissist. This is when it gets dangerous. You can lock everyone out. Not want any friends. Never want another relationship. The list is long. But one day, it evens out. Even if you think you’re healed…keep learning from Dr Ramani! ❤
Yes, this!! I isolate and stay away from others now. My closest friends do not understand because they didn't have a covert narc mom. If I speak on it, their eyes glaze over.
True. Spouting off thoughts hoping someone can make sense of thw nonsense while we over analyze it. Especially family. Why woulbthey do this to me when all I did was care an support them!? ( to a friend or yourself)
@@firefliflihi5719 That is a tough one. I could always set boundaries with outsiders but when it came to family I could/would not. Love got in the way and I'd let it slide. Then one day that straw-breaking moment happens and you know its time to save yourself. You are all you have left.
40 years married to a Narc. I could never figure out why I overshared and then ruminated. Thank you for this video on this. I’m slowly but surely healing and facing the trauma I’ve been subjected to. I’m so grateful to Dr Ramani and a few others here on TH-cam. I don’t think I’d have been able to leave without their help.
Same. 41+ year marriage since age 17. I’ve over shared, but in my case it was on here, online. I stand by my words. I’m okay with it because as time went on I healed. I learned so much from here. It helped me to get all that out. Five years later I’m so much less angry and am resolved to forgive myself for allowing this to happen for so many years. I wish you well. The peace that comes after years of abuse is beyond words.
Me too! Narc parents and 30 year marriage with a malignant narc. I quit a job because I overshared so much and then felt so stupid about it. It brought so much shame on me. I thought it was just me! Thank you so much for this video.
Better than 50 years like me. I have an almost uncontrollable need to tell people. It affected so much of my life! Ex, he wouldn’t give me any money to contribute to my parents anniversary dinner. Everyone thought I was so cheap, but I had zero control. If I could go back, things would be so different
The best sharing scenario I ever found was among other DV survivors (volunteers at the local centre, almost all survivors). We'd trade 'war stories' and have a good laugh together about how ridiculous the abuser was. Best healing ever. Seek out other survivors, they are everywhere. They get it.
@@aliya303 Depends on what country you are in. In the UK, Women's Aid. In the US I believe it is more fragmented, so google, ask around (maybe even healthcare places may know of local resources).
I think this is another example of how dysfunctional society is...often no justice can be difficult to swallow when all the enablers get on undisturbed. I am sick of false politeness.
For 3 years after divorcing him, my life has been like starting from infancy. I wonder if I will ever feel confident and safe again. I stay mostly alone, in peace. Therapy helps but not with the loneliness.
I believe you will feel confident and safe again. Healing work can be messy and uncertain, especially in the initial fallout. It’s all a process that takes time. 💜
go to twitch and find a category that interests you (music for me) and I promise you'll find friends if you just chat when you have something to contirbute and you will connect with people in meaningful conversations or just shoot the breeze with folks and small talk or talk about whatever is going on with the stream ❤
I find I over explain everything!!! It’s from years of being misunderstood. I work hard at stopping it. I’m in a new relationship and I had to explain some of the triggers I have and why but I’ve been very careful to stick to just basics facts and things I think he really needs to know.
It’s kind of like living with a disability. When you have a service animal for example, you only need to share with other people what tasks the animal performs, not why you’re disabled or what happened to you, only what accommodations you’ll need to help you function.
It’s still confusing because by the time I’m in a relationship I already feel like the other person should know about me. What’s the point of a relationship if it’s going to be all about holding back?
Thank you. Am since 2 years in a relationship, with another survivor of a Pervert Narc. And we both have to learn to identify, and work around triggers. (in my case, anything that results in my partner going in "FIGHT or Flight - withdrawal mode"... (and anger...)
Definitely, the over explaining. This came from how my parents treated me and medical trauma and the way drs treated me. The not being believe, the invalidation and the way I was grilled by my father to admitting thingsyhat weren't true. When I realised that was their issue my voluntary over explaining stopped with people who are toxic. They're not listening, they don't care to understand, basically they're not bothered. Frankly I don't care what they think. They don't know more than me, though they'd convinced me that they did! That was total bull, a huge fat lie!
Thank you for explaining this well. It's a rare person who can handle the topic of abusive relationships. It's also a good idea to protect yourself until you are positive that a person is safe. We aren't initially good judges of character, imho.
Yes, I learned early on to stop sharing with anyone outside of this community - because they just DO NOT "GET" what was happening. Only those of us who've experienced this specific form of demonism understand what was actually happening. That's why I greatly appreciate the information here. Thank you. 😊
My therapist advised me to keep my own counsel, & not say anything remotely vulnerable. That worked for a while, but I eventually needed to find my own voice. That's been challenging
I felt I HAD to explain why I hadn’t done some things and why I did other things. I was so ashamed of my past. I was SO EMBARRASSED by my 20 years of being dominated.
My parents are so narcissistic & so determined to keep me in the scapegoat role that they are able to find fault with me even when I keep our conversations very neutral, like the weather or traffic. Sometimes I think they're truly delusional because they, especially my mother, even blamed me for stuff that happened to them when I was not even present with them. 🙄😨🤦🏻♀️
Oh god please just get away soul sister. We need to find our real family and let go of these crazy people...❤
หลายเดือนก่อน +5
I started my youtube channel and facebook group for narcissistic abuse survivors BECAUSE of my urge to overshare 😅 I couldn’t shut up about it. My npd mother and enabling father disowned me three years ago, as a manipulative tactic, but they wouldn’t have thought that I wouldn’t fight back, so they were surprised to lose all control over me al at once. I had to share more than three decades of abuse, so I learned everything I could about narcissism, became an expert, and shared what I could. It’s been three years now, but I still have a lot to say 😅 throughout the years I have helped dozens of ppl to get back on their feet and start a better life, so my oversharing had some positive impact on others’ lives at least, which I’m grateful for!
This is why this channel is such a godsend for some of us. If you're having a day of ruminating it's helpful to be able to have a place to maybe over share and be heard by sympathetic listeners. Thanks Dr. Ramani!❤
Man if I had seen this video in 2021 :(...I cast my cares to Jesus now. I overexplain and "overshare" during my prayer time. He already knows everything but I still say it like He wasn't there. I even get immediate responses during my prayer time and sometimes afterwards. My prayer times are now over an hour long, sometimes 2 hours and even longer but I feel so much lighter after and it's free. Holy Spirit has helped me heal and grow in ways I cannot describe because of this. It's still work in progress though :)
If you have read this comment and want to also trust in Jesus Christ as your Savior? Salvation is the free gift of eternal life that is made possible only through Jesus Christ. John 3:16-17 KJV states, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." The apostle Paul tells us in Romans 6:23 KJV, "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Salvation is not limited to any denomination, race, gender, or age, but it is freely available for everyone. "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" (Romans 10:13 KJV).
I am a believer as well but let's be real: it is not enough. We need to talk to another human being, to have this tangible human connection. If we could do without it, the Lord would have never created Eve. I have noticed over the years that by bottling everything inside and spending time only confiding only to the Lord, I've been slowly dying inside.
@@e.a.6988 this is so true my sister or brother in Christ. Greetings to you beloved of the Lord. This doesn’t work for everyone and yes, absolutely as the body we are here to edify one another. For me, God has been a literal psychologist and that is my real experience and it’s ok if in your case you would need someone to talk to. Nothing wrong with that and I hope my comment was not implying this. I was simply sharing what has helped me tremendously. Can I share a recent testimony? So this morning from 3AM to 5AM I was in prayer. I opened up to the Lord about an ex that I have a hard time letting go (even though he has rejected me in the past and moved on with his life) I told God, look I know I look crazy believing we were “meant to be together” but continued to share my reasons why I believed this and asked God to please share if He agrees and how He sees things and also for Him to help me let go if I’m holding on to false hope. Do you know what happened next? I went to bed and woke up again at 9-ish this morning to do my “starting the day” prayer. The Holy Spirit spoke through me as I was praying and I found myself saying something to the effect of “my daughter, you are a high-value woman…as soon as you understand this and walk in this truth you will not only be more confident about yourself and your value in other people’s lives but you will also realise that only a high-value man will appreciate you without you needing to get a chance to ‘prove yourself’. He also gently reminded me that this comes from not being taught my value in my upbringing and that to Him I have always been important even when I was a sinner”. This set me free! My eyes finally opened up to my low self-esteem and how it comes from being rejected and deprived of affection as a child. Consulting session done :)
Throughout my entire upbringing, I had to stifle my true self with my damaging narcissistic mother. This continued with my attraction to narcissistic potential mates. Before the year 2000, there were no research/studies on malignant narcissism. Every therapist I went to had no idea what I was going through. Although too late for me, I applaud the research and studies into this damaging and dangerous syndrome.
My goodness has this become an issue for me. I remained quiet for 6 decades, now you can't shut me up. This is a cruel joke on me, my biggest need is to be seen and understood. I can be seen alright, but understood? Most of the times we don't even understand ourselves. Either we isolate and keep ourselves distant from others, or we overshare and push them away. It comes fast, I am trying to learn to be content in who I am and finding inner peace where I don't need to talk about it. I can talk when someone asks, otherwise I need to stay away of sharing intimate things about what I am going through. Thank you Dr. Ramani for bringing this to our attention. We see it, but don't. We all know what that means.
Oversharing feels like justifying one's existence and the need to 'feel' heard...unfortunately, it can occur by accident, due to lack of self-control *sigh...there are days I keep thinking about what I said and possibly regretting it (to some parties)...worrying over spilt milk, anxiously...although this vulnerability can be appreciated by some people, because they feel like they finally know know you, but some people don't take certain stories/views well simply coz it's hard and bothersome to relate/empathize
It’s surprising to me how few people really understand narcissistic personality’s. I tried to explain what happened to me with a new friend and she had a total blank face. She had no idea what I was talking about. I stopped trying to explain it after that.
It’s still part of the people pleasing wanting to make everyone else comfortable at our own expense. We conquered the hardest step which was the physical separation and we will heal our inner spaces next.
I definitely did this...Initially, and in the midst of it all, I shared nothing. But once away, I just wanted to be understood and yes, feel empowered. Now I just don't share only a need basis.
I just left a 9 year relationship and I'm scared to speak with anyone, I'm looking so careful at people now and have no want for anything but healing. I'm afraid of just how many people are this way.
You’re learning to trust yourself again & practice discernment. I use the 51/49 per cent rule. More kind than not out there but be careful because the unkind are almost half the population now
I have done this.. It has caused so many problems. Either I have ended up looking stupid or like a child.. given info that wasn't required, and individuals have judged me. They felt better because I was having a bad time. And many.. have taken it as me being vulnerable and put me in a position to be taken advantage of. It seems like ppl almost enjoy that you're in such a situation. Surprisingly, i still do it even though i know it. Either i shut off completely or talk too much as if i need to prove myslef.
Same, there's a deep need for justice after all the gaslighting and not being believed. Need to explain how it's possible that I lost so much and got into a vulnerable position, but then most people don't respect you or understand it anyway, and when you're not careful you are potentially opening yourself up to more predatory people.
It feels like trying to find reality after walking through a living nightmare. ❤Shout out to all you active and reflective listeners out there who have literally saved lives by being present with someone, however arduous it may have been at the time. For holding through until we break through and find ourselves again. From old friends to random strangers~ thank you dearly for taking the time, I'll pay it forward endlessly 💗
@@ktbiwk during close down for two years I watched Dr Ramani and others. If we are not educated on the narcissist, for me I had no words to describe the horrors I had been through. Why we need each other to be there who have been there. 💗ty
Some of us were taught to over shar too. As a result of having a diagnosis as a child I learned that I needed to tell anyone I met about my "disability" so they knew. Turns out that I am a lot happier if I don't and just get to know some one first. Also there are a lot of people out there who want to "help" and rescue me to make them selves look good.
I can relate to over-sharing. I have shut down and not spoken. Then, when I get to share, it overwhelms the other person. It can be exhausting for all of us. Having this space is helpful. Having certain people that almost understand is helpful. An inner voice begins to regulate what can be expressed and what should be kept to oneself. Thank you for helping me to find myself and my inner voice. Thank you for helping me to find balance. 😊
The injustice enrages me! The narcissists goes his marry way and enjoys life, I’m left beaten, with permanent eye injury, a shadow of what I was, I keep quiet for 25 years of hell and then when I finally break free I can’t be telling about his abuse???? Because it would make me vulnerable to other narcissists or people whom I thought were my friends consider me bitter and revengeful when I talk about my experiences 🤯So I have to walk on eggshells AGAIN to find the balance and share my experiences, but not too much mind you, so that people wouldn’t think I’m bitter or monopolizing the conversation. The hell with it!!! I’m sick and TIRED or being careful and walking on eggshells- I will talk my brains out until everyone knows what kind of evil, violent slime I had to deal with!!! I just can’t pretend anymore that I care that my “friend” is so disappointed that the boots she wanted were sold out and when she asks “How are you?” I just say it’s one ‘my’ days (meaning I feel down) she brushes it away with a comment “Oh but I saw a really cute pair of similar boots”! I know the world does not revolve around me and my traumas, but when you ask me “How are you?” at least have the decency of hearing me out!!!!!
Thank you, I definitely overshared since my divorce 2yrs ago. I was so lost and lonely. I probably just talked to anyone who would listen. I had divorce care, therapy, friends and family. But I felt overwhelmed and wanted someone to listen and really care about me. Thank God i turned to my faith in God. The betrayal can be unbearable.
I can totally relate. I felt like a volcano erupting. I couldn't stop talking. Unfortunately, I still overshare, when the narcissist puts pressure on me.☹️
I finally talked to both my Dr.s last week. The looks on my Dr's face's said it all.How messed up my life has been since l married this crazy man and how he chipped away at my personality 💔 😢My hair falling out.Shaky.Throwing up all the time.l need help to get the hell out of here.
Not one of us coming out knows exactly what to do. I 100% believe that talking about it releases yourself from so much that you questioned before now becomes renumeration to heal. Suppressing it causes apathy, depression, sadness, etc. It is human nature to want to have freedom of expression without judgment. I can see from simply talking about it, I am reducing the amount of renumeration. I tell my friends have patience. I am cognizant that I am passing through healing. Eventually, it will stop through healing. It is now my testimony. I will remember, but no more pain. This is where you stop over talking
Guilty as charged! I was muted for so long, I gaslit myself for years and then I was practically shouting my truth! People obviously saw me as crazy. I now speak truth slightly selectively assuming they can't understand and will probably always say something stupid because they can't understand this. I can forgive it because I couldn't understand it when it was my Mother.
I NEEDED THIS. How embarrassing. I've gone overboard so many times on things, and given that I have been so silent and simple for so long, I see how people might think I've suddenly gone crazy. Talking about interests of mine, feelings and thoughts I've had that I've not talked about in years, they think I'm going through a manic phase 😅 And I have to reassure them I'm not suddenly this new person, I've just been hiding it all for years. It's been dormant. Gonna watch this a few times. Need that balance.
There's a time to be silent and there's a time to be loud. In abusive situations, being loud about your experience prevents the narcissist from doing the same to the next person. Abusers capitalize on your silence. So be loud, extremely loud about calling out abuse.
PPL who have been in abusive narcissistic relationships have had their lives destroyed and are now in desperate situations to not make mistakes based on their circumstances. Thank you for your wisdom Dr. Ramani 🙏🏻
I shared about my troubled relationship with my family with someone whom I thought to be a friend, she then turned and weaponized that information. Used a favor she did for me in a time of need as something to hold over my head and take my agency away “you can’t say anything about the way I treat you, otherwise you’re ungrateful. You owe me. You’re not showing reciprocation if you set a boundary with me. Remember, YOU OWE ME”.
Thank you for covering this. I'm 70 and STILL have to keep myself on a leash verbally, to not inundate others with my life experiences. I've for so long felt like I was the selfish person my parents suggested I was, "wanting everything to be about me." I guess I'm still a little starved for attention and validation, but I've grown enough to catch myself, stop my occasional diatribes to express curiosity about my companions and let theirs be the story for a while. I guess it's working; I've got some friends who seem to care about me. But you just explained why I still struggle to hold back the flood. And the times I've had it turned against me, or alienated people I didn't want to overwhelm? OUCH. What you're teaching here has decided me to talk to my friends (not acquaintances) about this compulsion and that they can feel free to help me ease out of it, with a code phrase I'll develop, like maybe "Wow. You've really been through it." I want us all to be safe and free, not held hostage by compulsions.
Wow I just recognized this in myself yesterday. Realized that I am still looking outwards for acceptance. Usually I'm just so excited to be learning and growing so much, I want to share what I have learned with others, or celebrate successes! Made myself the promise last night I would NOT reach out to people/social media to toot my own horn or even talk about myself. I'm pretty sure I lost some clients this past year but ALSO know I'm going in the right direction and will shed all kinds of people and behaviors as I continue to grow and embrace my authenticity ♡
The trick for me was that I felt a need to overshare to compensate against the narcissist's smear campaign (especially when that smear campaign was directed at people in MY support system).
Oversharing and over explaining was an issue for me long after removing myself from a toxic/narcissistic marriage. The depth of abuse that unravels, sometimes long after the relationship ends, keeps you talking. Thank you for reminding us to not overshare Dr. Ramani. When did the world become so frightening and dangerous? I was a very naive woman for trusting and believing the best quality character in others and ignoring redflags. Thank you for your work 💗. Healing is a very personal and humbling life quest.
I felt victim. It eats you up and you need a listening ear. Some of us are far away from our countries and we don't even talk often to our families. And even if we did, they wouldn't relate to our predicaments. I did try with my sister and she made the situation worse by breaking down and crying. I had to be the one to console her again and then hang up. We also don't have partners. We are just on our own. Imagine being a narcissistic boss or supervisor far away from your country, family, friends, etc. It's not easy. This isn't just an intimate relationship that you can just replace. It's a matter of finances, academics, etc. I have been through this and the only therapy I had was listening to this lady. I say had because I did manage eventually to get out and get new supervisors, and the narcissistic supervisor had her day with the disciplinary committee. Apparently, she had so many disciplinary cases.
Been there, done that. And it was worse than that. I spent way to long trying to keep a lid on it and I was so frustrated for way too long and I had accommodated his stinking thinking, way to long and was subject to his abuse, for way too long. When the top blew off, I could not stop the puss, steam, anger and pain from coming out. I wish there would have been a safe place to be in this time, but no, it had to be done , right where I was, and it was ugly. There was no controlling or stopping or being rational at that time which lasted way too long. I know I did not do this well - but I survived. That is all I can say. I did burn out all of my supports. And I am the one who looks crazy. He has gone back to being Mr. nice guy who tells people what they want to hear, etc. I don't think anyone can ever understand this phase unless ones has gone through it.
I found myself pouring my Heart and Soul out to anyone who asked how I was, but sometimes in those moments I could see the toxicity in some of the people that asked.🍒
This is a very valid consideration. Only its failure to thrive.. some of us have no voice. There can be levels. Narcissist. His church and others. No money. No way to get help. Silent for years. Need help. This is valid. The entire dynamic is a destructive path. We are seen as mentally challenged. And narcissists abound. True friends should understand, and they aren't true and they don't understand. Yes you are very aware of the dynamics. Im in WNY. Thank you Dr Ramani.
This is exactly the issue I have after my relationship with a covert narcissist. I've never been one to overshare, but since the break up I found myself doing it constantly and then beating myself up later. I'm trying to find some balance but it's so hard. Now I at least understand why it's the case, thanks Dr Ramani - as always.
I haven't even watched this yet (currently am), but for me it was because I felt silenced. I also realized how much they'd lie about to attempt to ruin my image so I just told the truth. For one, I felt free, it felt like a release of burden. Two, I wanted the truth to be known. I've always thought, people that have a problem with overcharging usually have something their trying to hide themselves so it makes them uncomfortable that someone that will spill their guts out like that.
Both of my parents had narcissistic tendencies. They made me feel like a failure at everything. I put myself through university and got two degrees, raised my children on my own. I left my ex because he constantly belittled me just like my father. I ended up constantly over sharing because I felt like people didn’t trust me, I try very hard not to lie because my parents always accused me of lying and I didn’t lie, so I always overcompensated by over sharing. I’m 66 and I still sometimes over share because I feel like I have to over explain everything and I have to let people know that my motives and intentions are good.
Talk when you have something to say, not because you feel you have to just say something. Being around narcissists trains you to look for outside validation and confirmation for everything, you can and should recognize and undo that, learn to feel complete alone.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Your former spouse sounds like he was a Sexual Addict, "SA". Like all addicts they seek supply for their damaged brain. This usually accompanies Dismissive Avoidant, Covert Narcissistism. My former spouse of 38 yrs displayed the same behavior ! When he left, he saud he was messed up and I agreed! Then I started to GET HELP FOR MY BRAIN! Now, yrs later, no contact(except via attorneys) I am learning peace without eggshells!
My narcissistic parents created a rule specifically for me: I had to raise my hand if I wanted to speak and then wait for permission. You can imagine the impact this had on me as I grew older. Whenever someone showed me any attention, I didn’t know how to handle it. After my most recent encounter with a narcissist, where it felt like they took away a piece of my soul, I feel lost. I’m not sure who I am anymore, but staying quiet feels like the only safe option.
People are absolutely dispicaple these days. If someone over shares with me I listen. If I over share with someone they bait me to use the information against me later. As a result, I lie to people and don't tell them anything about myself period. People have a bad habit of walking up to me and asking me what I do for a living, so I started telling them other jobs than what I do. Strangers shouldn't be coming up to me questioning me anyway.
Thank you for this! I have a very safe neighbor-turned-friend that I just couldn’t stop sharing too much with until I realized I was monopolizing conversations with. She’s an educator so she was very patient with me and gave me enough space to stop doing it. But, it’s even more relevant as I have a friend that I think is dying in her narcissistic marriage. He didn’t lie to her and revealed his diagnosis early. Her nervous system is shutting down, mystery illnesses and phantom pains everywhere. Whenever we do speak, she spills everything and I never get a word in. I listened during her divorce but now I’m just listening to her tell everything that isn’t being heard in her other relationships. I was ready to accept that our relationship was over. Now I can see things differently. I’m not saying it saved our friendship but this has helped me see her actions in a totally different light. I watched my mother-in-law die similarly, medicated so heavily all she did was work and sleep. The likelihood of her ending the friendship if I warn her is high, but she’s too young to die like this.
I used to be the type of person that would overshare with complete strangers. I won’t ever see them again, so I feel safer to share words I never thought I would say aloud. I’ve had great conversations with strangers, it’s a reminder that we aren’t the only ones going through this in the world.
I completely understand the need to overshare. The need to be seen, heard and validated is overwhelming. Unfortunately, we are indoctrinated in our society that Americans are basically good and we should help each other. This simply is fiction. In addition, psychologists say one of the most practiced means to making new friends is that you share a little sensitive information with someone and see what they do with it. Making new connections with others always involves a certain degree of risk. We’re also experiencing a terrible isolation and loneliness epidemic in America, so I think the risk for over sharing heightens because it’s so rare that anyone gives you the time of day anymore. I try to navigate these waters by lots of self forgiveness and refuse to let anyone shame me because I really needed to talk to someone and they chose to weaponize my need. That’s on them, but I radically accept who they are at that point and move on. For me, I am not going to isolate. I accept that trying to form new connections comes with a high degree of risk. Our society is sick.
I'm using the counselor's advice to share a little and wait, see how they respond. Even with men I've found the healthy ones relax a little and decide to open up a little, that they're dealing with issues similar to my own. The unhealthy ones judge right away, to "one-up" me, and instantly I know we've gone as far as we're going. Buh-bye. And I only invested one little bit of information.
The North American society, more than that the Anglo-Saxon one, is so superficial. It's this shallow "peach culture" that gives people the illusion that everyone is genuinely kind and interested in what's going on in other people's lives. It is not the safest environment to heal or talk about your trauma. People politely listen to you but they aren't usually emotionally attuned to what you're saying because they have been raised to have shallow human interactions outside their inner circle.
Gosh and here I was thinking that my over sharing was a result of my ADHD. I never considered it could also be a trauma response and an attempt to feel seen, understood and to relate and connect with others 😻
This is a perfect example of my fear of people. I have had social anxiety my whole life. Thank you Dr. Ramani! I am in some sort of therapy, but your videos have helped me survive daily! Thank you for all this knowledge. I am lonely and I am an oversharing person when I get nervous. The pain of narcissistic abuse and toxic people. Still searching for a room I can feel safe in. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏.
"Go where you are welcome Stay where you are comfortable" What if you have become so distrusting you do not feel comfortable anywhere? Also people pick up on your distrusting which subconsciously sends a message you are not trustworthy as well.
Decades ago I was married to a abusive, narcissistic man when I who treated me in all the ways that you described. Once I escaped he, of course , started a smear campaign against me. Many people of our acquaintance believed his lies and rejected me. I’m sure they were thinking, “He’s such a nice guy. What’s wrong with her?” I was grateful to have family and a few trusted friends that really knew and loved me that I could safely talk to about my experiences. I’m sure I did over share with them but it really helped in my healing process to be able to talk about it. After all these years, I sometimes have to reign myself in during a conversation and remember to really listen and show concern toward the other person. I am happy to say that I became adept at spotting individuals who are users and abusers and make a point of steering clear of them. If it is someone that I can’t completely avoid, I am cordial but very guarded.
Wow dr Ramani 🙏 💖 I’ve been through “the dark knight of the soul” in 2016 and started to learn about narcissism and how things apply to my life. But untill now I’ve never seen a video or article specific about this topic and exactly as you describe, I think maybe this is the biggest struggle for me in life..Thank you so much for spreading your knowledge, it really helps 🌟
Thank you so much for making me feel normal and acknowledging my experience and my struggles to feel normal in the social settings. Years I’ve been blaming and shaming myself for being egocentric and compulsive and weird. it’s been so hard.. 😭
I honestly don’t care to share it with others. I went thru that & now I’m going thru the healing process. It’s painful & difficult. I’m connecting the dots & putting it together. The one thing I’m struggling with is the motivation & drive I once had. It was a therapy to keep everything taken care of etc. Now, I just can’t seem to get it back. I’ve booted all the toxic family members & people out of my life & it feels good to take back control of my life. I’m not yet in a place to start making new friends or talking to a select few. I don’t want to be around anyone right now. I just want to reflect & work on myself & heal.
After not being seen and heard for a couple of decades, and recently getting out of that, I have found myself oversharing. A lot. I tried to also hold space for those people I shared with, to let them speak, because being seen and heard is extremely important. But I'm sure that this has been more one-sided on my part. The pressure-cooker analogy is spot on. I just burst forth. I'm calming down, and learning. It's a hard process though. We have to learn to forgive ourselves, and to apologize to those we did this too.
I overshared in my Sunday School class. Not a good place. The ladies there enjoyed gossip and passed on what I said to lots of folks. I think even members of the SS class had not realize when they had gone from a group to listen and support to one that wanted to hear juicy things about others and pass it on in order to feel better about themselves.
Oh my goodness- if only I knew how to STFU in 2020. I was extremely messy- oversharing my entire life on the internet ….looking for connection and understanding. I was not aware that I was still surrounded by a deluge of ick - I wasn’t safe. Learning about appropriate sharing has been the gift I still struggle with, because there are parts of me that desperately want to be seen . I’m better at it now… but still notice it when I fawn at folk. It’s a sad reality- but sharing your vulnerability brings out the meat eaters who see you as easy prey. Not the kind people who treat you gently and help you convalesce. I’m forever grateful for this channel (and the community Dr. Ramani & her team have created).
I have realized so many times AFTER that I overshared... talked too much, not leaving space for the other person to share also... It was all about me, me, me ... don't like that!! I have to be SUPER conscious whent talking with people, especially new people but at the same time someone told me that when they met me it felt like I was controlling, that I was off and strange... Can't please them all!!!
WOW ! I'll say it again, You Really know what you are talking about! Trying to explain narcissism to someone who hasn't experienced it, is almost impossible. Thanks again.
Thank you Dr Ramani, I hate when I overshare and replay it over and over in my head! I always feel so embarrassed and self conscious afterwards! This helped me see that it comes from a wound, and that I’m not just immature or lacking self awareness
Made this mistake. It brought other toxic people out of the woodwork ready to stick the knife in because they now knew I was in a vulnerable state
Yes me too! Used my vulnerabilities against me. I honestly thought this can’t be happening! They were narcissist too. Which I figured out later. I know what I’m not sharing anymore. Until I get that space healed. Though may never heal idk . Mom’s the word.
@@SherryTomlinson-r2y If you have one narc in your life, you probably actually have a few, you just dont realise. And you will be traumatised and then subsequently re-traumatised
@@liambraithewaite6415 I noticed about all I had were narcissist!! At this time I was so mentally ill I had a day program to go too. The program didn’t know what I had been through but at least I felt safe.
@@liambraithewaite6415well, I think there are many, in sheer numbers anyway. And, yep, they’re looking for vulnerabilities.
I have discovered that its almost dangerous to share anything that may imply that you somehow in a less ‘normal’ soccial state like being an orphan, not married, uneducated ‘enough’ anything that will give others possibility to make your life disadvantages or tragedies a target to later harm you
I often leave conversations with healthy people feeling like I'm the one who's toxic because I over shared and made it all about me. I'm always second guessing myself and replaying the entire conversation, beating myself up thinking I'm the narcissist. I hate that feeling. It's so hard to find the balance. These toxic relationships steal our ability to communicate.
I have done the same so many times
We are robbed of our judgment
I felt this to my core!
Same😞
I always play conversations back in my head and second guess myself. Its exhausting 😐
My motto: Life is unfair, don't overshare.
I like that!
@@dawns_swan Quoted and noted.
@@dawns_swan If you over share, they over attack.
Thank you for sharing this!
@@dawns_swan I need that on a t shirt
I would say to all the people who have been through emotional/physical abuse. Don't feel guilty for self isolation, dont feel guilty for oversharing, for meltdowns. You have been abused, you have been hurt. You are allowed to make mistakes, you are allowed to have a messy healing journey. It's all good. I pray for your healing, take care everyone 🙏💗✨
Excellent advice
Thank you!!❤
It is a process. We are learning ourselves and the world daily.
Thank you, I needed to read this right now 🙏
Thank you ❤😘
Some people like it when we have problems. We shouldn't overshare our situation with everyone.
@@sushmayen some even feel you’re the problem, if you’ve escaped. Particularly, if they haven’t.
Cant even trust a narcissist family and they use it against you and blame it on you and ypu cant even stand up for yourself because they will call you selfish EVEN when you told their actions to them and its a living hell that even family cant be trusted when im sharing my story
@@LisaNeWoman until you’re able to leave and are gone for quite some time, I think a narcissist, thus a narcissistic family also, feels you’re simply held captive. If not by them, then by society.
Flying monkeys will get ahold of the information. Some monkeys are quite up front about spying on you for the narc, being overly friendly in a phony way even when you have made it clear you aren't interested.
Very good point! Yes!
Its a trauma response. Heal and be discerning.
Yes. Thank you Dr. Ramani. For those Christians out there, there is a bible verse that talks about pushing the plow forward and to not look back. Keep your prayers and confidences with the Lord, don’t dwell on it, trust the Lord and keep on keeping on. Learn from mistakes, forgive yourself and move on.
Very well said
@@maryk.utzinger4030 Amen, well said.
@@maryk.utzinger4030 It wasn't my mistakes. It was abuse.
@@maryk.utzinger4030LOVE💖💖💖
We feel like we have to explain ourselves because we were constantly accused of doing things we CLEARLY didn't and or being blamed for things that were COMPLETELY out of our control, like other people's behaviors, feelings and even the abuse they inflicted upon us!!!
Yes it's like we need the world to know what other people did to us! Why should that be a secret, if we don't tell them the bad person is being protected. We should be allowed to tell our stories, of how we have been treated badly.
Exactly I'd justify myself to the point that I'd exhaust myself up after being done with the conversation
Yes , especially for empaths or HSPs ( like myself ) I’m learning now it’s ok if people think I’m a bitch. It’s exhausting having to constantly feel the need to explain myself. Authentic relationships aren’t complicated. For me, it’s just that simple . If it’s complicated , i shut it down immediately. Maybe it’s a trauma response idk .. but it’s working for me.
I over shared with my sister. I was traumatized - tormented. I just thought, No one understands this situation, unless They've been through it all. I just wanted her to know what I went through. I could ignore the stupid games and antics...
Yet Every Day, I felt like an invisible baseball bat was beating me on my back...
Hit it.
OMG. I left churches, left groups, etc. after being so embarrassed following over sharing. I couldn't seem to help myself. It spilled out, spilled over. I would isolate to stop myself from "bleeding" on other people and leaving myself vulnerable. I felt so much shame and thought I was the only one. Thank you for helping me forgive myself ❤
By His grace you've been set free 🙏 Jesus forgives ❤️
Church hopped, yes
I did this too! Even wrote a friend an apology letter after realizing what I had done.
I dont know why it's so hard to just forgive ourselves. If you try to look at yourself from the outside and see your own hurt,... say to yourself its ok now. Its over. And see that you deserve forgiveness.
You’re not alone Boo!
Happens when victims are not believed nor heard. We slowly figure out who we can trust, and whom believes the lies.
Thank you. I've been doing this and I hate it 😢. My reasons I've realized.
1. We need someone to tell us we're not crazy
2. We realized we might have had guidance or a wake up call if we had told someone sooner.
3. We need someone to know who and how this person really is.
4. We need to get it out of us.
5. Because we've literally been driven crazy
Yes. Thank you. I share, and I don't know if I'm oversharing (I certainly am not giving anyone my SS* or bank account number, although the narcissist I'm no-contact with has tried to get it!!! LOL!), but I share my experiences, because I am still hashing out what was real and what was fake. 52 years of brainwashing takes time to undo. I'm very very lucky I have a supportive system of friends and remaining family, who believe and understand me. I know some people do not have this, and they need a therapist or someone to help them with reality-checks. It can be hard to discern whom you can trust after narcissistic abuse. It takes time to understand how you've been fooled.
This right here 💯
Agreed
But you clearly were crazy, insane, by gettin into relationships with them in the first place.
How many MASSIVE red flags did you ignore just to be with the person?
Think about that!
I over shared with my friend for a few years, it was hard and draining on her but she now thanks me because she can spot a narcissist a mile away without having gone through the abuse 🙏
I over-share about my joys (gardening) and my challenges with somebody who is probably a covert narcisist. However, he has the same cultural heritage as me. (As he is very analytical and logical, I owe him a 1000$ for the free therapy. (It is harder to overshare if your best friend with whom you share your growth since 3 years, lives 900 km (or 2 days away). (I try to put my ambiguous thoughts (think-FEELINg) in a draft e-mail. (I tenc to save the draft... read again the draft 2 weeks later, and it is NO longer relevant. But I had to get it out of me (electronically) to get through the day, without being in panick mode. (Without ruminating till my body gets exhausted too).
@@karenhoward5550 your friend is a good friend. She learned from your sharings to avoid future pains. Others just listen so that they can have something to gossip about.
I have a couple dear ones who have expressed the same. This journey have exposed who are safe, real and trustworthy! So grateful.
@@draruleah4981only bored and stupid people gossip.
@@nathaliecomsa3509 This is a phenomenal idea... ELECTRONICALLY...I love it and I think I'm going to attempt this tactic 😅😊 THANK YOU ❤
I often refer to it as CDS; compulsive disclosure syndrome.
That's a good name
That’s a good one. 👍😁👏
Yeah. Spot on because it is a compulsive thing.
😂😂😂 using this
Right on, thank you.
I'm in a 12 step programme and do daily outreach calls. We listen to each other for 4 minutes each without interrupting. Doing this daily has really helped me stop over sharing.
That's a great idea!
I learned that from a friend many years ago. It really helps. You get it off your chest and move on to more positive things.
But are you listenin to the person talking or tuning it out till your 4 minutes is go? Great rule just is it beneficial to the person who has the floor.
@Miss_Takn no tuning out. Actively listening then feeding back using paraphrasing/mirroring. It very effective.
Is this a therapy programme? What's it called?
I overshared because I had to vomit 🤢 all that toxic crap he put it inside me. It's good and bad because you attract more narcissists, but it's good because you learn to not trust NO-ONE! THIS LIFE IS ONLY YOU AND GOD! ❤
I feel exactly the same.. only me and God now
Same here.
One way to check if someone is unsafe is if the person is too opinionated, gives free advice or completely ignores you while you speak and has no empathy. Another way to check is to see how she views people , her friends. Sometimes we ignore or accept the smallest red flags .
Amen🙏❤️
@@rachelbegmusicThanks for this timely test.
I have to learn to “shut up” at the same time it feels good to finally be able to speak
Realize I've overshared... Thank you for posting!
Same here.
Same here! I speak very quickly, thinking that I'll be interrupted at any moment. omg 😓
@@thomaspierce9458 wondering if part of the reason we over share, is in part, because we feel we’re protecting narcissists. The reality? They’re well-protected, either way.
Me too. Often 😊
Me too , now I feel bad about it
Words cannot express how grateful I am to you Dr Ramani. 🥺🥺
She isn’t a gem. I’m grateful to have found her and glad you and all of the people she is helping have as well.
A man I dated for a very short time punched me in the head when I caught him cheating, I ended up having a stroke due to chiropractors moving my neck after he hit me, the injury compounded , I shared my story online after my stroke and after four years of abuse after getting hit from other folks pretending my issues weren’t real. My sister lashed out at me for sharing, told me I was attention seeking, insulted my image after stroke bc I’m bald, and then flipped it and said I was harrassing her for saying she was being incredibly hurtful and bullying me , oversharing made me realize the other narcs around me , people who were cruel to me about sharing I realized were also cruel in similar ways my whole life more covertly , this has been really lonely learning how much of America is truly narcissistic in their temperaments. How to share your story when folks bully you to maintain pathological control
Jeez, I thought I was the only one who overshared. This happened straight after my relationships with narcissistic people ended. I overshared A LOT. However, overtime I healed and now I’m a very private person that hardly shares anything 🤷🏼♀️ I always thought to myself why I overshared, but after watching this video it makes complete sense. I was very broken and needed a lot of reassurance and love to heal and sometimes I was trying to get that from any person or environment.
I overshare because being with a covert narcissist, I would always get the silent treatment. Also, because I want to be rid of the shame I've carried for so long. I want to speak out what I spent a lifetime hiding from others. I guess it's my way of correcting the record. I want my autonomy and authenticity back.
Same here. I don't overshare but I've always felt guilty about my true self because of years of conditioning to feel ashamed of being different.
Now I share with people my views , and I show them who I am.
Same
Perfectly stated. You hit the nail right on the head!
Same here.
I felt the same way. Learned the hard way oversharing only hurts me. I wanted everyone to know how abusive and cruel he was, but it didn’t make a difference. Nobody cared he cheated, abandoned his kids, or traumatized me.
It’s kind of like “PLEASE! One person help me make what I am going through/just went through make sense!!” It’s traumatic and if you’ve never been through it, it is unbelievable! But I PROMISE YOU: once you e come through the other side; and you will, you will struggle again because you’ll think everyone is a narcissist. This is when it gets dangerous. You can lock everyone out. Not want any friends. Never want another relationship. The list is long. But one day, it evens out. Even if you think you’re healed…keep learning from Dr Ramani! ❤
Yes, this!! I isolate and stay away from others now. My closest friends do not understand because they didn't have a covert narc mom. If I speak on it, their eyes glaze over.
@@teamgert so well said
Thank you. I hang out on my own, me the birds and the bees. I actually love it.
True. Spouting off thoughts hoping someone can make sense of thw nonsense while we over analyze it. Especially family. Why woulbthey do this to me when all I did was care an support them!? ( to a friend or yourself)
@@firefliflihi5719 That is a tough one. I could always set boundaries with outsiders but when it came to family I could/would not. Love got in the way and I'd let it slide. Then one day that straw-breaking moment happens and you know its time to save yourself. You are all you have left.
“Please see me…”.
Dr. Ramani just gets it.
Yes. See me, the real me. Not who the narc constantly screamed at me. I'm still trying to reset who I am. Or at least who I want to be.
❤❤❤❤
40 years married to a Narc.
I could never figure out why I overshared and then ruminated.
Thank you for this video on this.
I’m slowly but surely healing and facing the trauma I’ve been subjected to.
I’m so grateful to Dr Ramani and a few others here on TH-cam. I don’t think I’d have been able to leave without their help.
Same. 41+ year marriage since age 17. I’ve over shared, but in my case it was on here, online. I stand by my words. I’m okay with it because as time went on I healed. I learned so much from here. It helped me to get all that out. Five years later I’m so much less angry and am resolved to forgive myself for allowing this to happen for so many years. I wish you well. The peace that comes after years of abuse is beyond words.
Same at 30 years with ex and 50 years with narc toxic parents. Finally walked away from them all. Finally free!!
@@Juamo-tn8we so happy for you
Me too! Narc parents and 30 year marriage with a malignant narc. I quit a job because I overshared so much and then felt so stupid about it. It brought so much shame on me. I thought it was just me! Thank you so much for this video.
Better than 50 years like me. I have an almost uncontrollable need to tell people. It affected so much of my life! Ex, he wouldn’t give me any money to contribute to my parents anniversary dinner. Everyone thought I was so cheap, but I had zero control. If I could go back, things would be so different
The best sharing scenario I ever found was among other DV survivors (volunteers at the local centre, almost all survivors). We'd trade 'war stories' and have a good laugh together about how ridiculous the abuser was. Best healing ever.
Seek out other survivors, they are everywhere. They get it.
I forgot about that resource. I’m going to seek and see what groups are available.
Laughter. Laugh at the jackasses, oh yes. Why did we endure all that
Where r these resources..? Would love to join 1. Best place to be in after being in such a situation looks like
@@aliya303 Depends on what country you are in. In the UK, Women's Aid. In the US I believe it is more fragmented, so google, ask around (maybe even healthcare places may know of local resources).
@ thank u for the guidance… hope i find a way out this way..
I think this is another example of how dysfunctional society is...often no justice can be difficult to swallow when all the enablers get on undisturbed. I am sick of false politeness.
For 3 years after divorcing him, my life has been like starting from infancy. I wonder if I will ever feel confident and safe again. I stay mostly alone, in peace. Therapy helps but not with the loneliness.
I believe you will feel confident and safe again. Healing work can be messy and uncertain, especially in the initial fallout. It’s all a process that takes time. 💜
I’m in a place where I don’t feel a need to trust anyone
go to twitch and find a category that interests you (music for me) and I promise you'll find friends if you just chat when you have something to contirbute and you will connect with people in meaningful conversations or just shoot the breeze with folks and small talk or talk about whatever is going on with the stream ❤
Journaling really helps get those emotions out and eases the burden of oversharing. You can be as "loud and expressive" as you need to be! 😉
Christ will be your refuge. Pray to him.
I find I over explain everything!!! It’s from years of being misunderstood. I work hard at stopping it. I’m in a new relationship and I had to explain some of the triggers I have and why but I’ve been very careful to stick to just basics facts and things I think he really needs to know.
It’s kind of like living with a disability. When you have a service animal for example, you only need to share with other people what tasks the animal performs, not why you’re disabled or what happened to you, only what accommodations you’ll need to help you function.
Think its much better to over explain instead of do nothing, you make it much easier on both parties to over explain.
It’s still confusing because by the time I’m in a relationship I already feel like the other person should know about me. What’s the point of a relationship if it’s going to be all about holding back?
Thank you. Am since 2 years in a relationship, with another survivor of a Pervert Narc. And we both have to learn to identify, and work around triggers. (in my case, anything that results in my partner going in "FIGHT or Flight - withdrawal mode"... (and anger...)
Definitely, the over explaining. This came from how my parents treated me and medical trauma and the way drs treated me. The not being believe, the invalidation and the way I was grilled by my father to admitting thingsyhat weren't true. When I realised that was their issue my voluntary over explaining stopped with people who are toxic. They're not listening, they don't care to understand, basically they're not bothered. Frankly I don't care what they think. They don't know more than me, though they'd convinced me that they did! That was total bull, a huge fat lie!
Thank you for explaining this well. It's a rare person who can handle the topic of abusive relationships. It's also a good idea to protect yourself until you are positive that a person is safe. We aren't initially good judges of character, imho.
Yes, I learned early on to stop sharing with anyone outside of this community - because they just DO NOT "GET" what was happening. Only those of us who've experienced this specific form of demonism understand what was actually happening. That's why I greatly appreciate the information here. Thank you. 😊
Don't sell us "normal" folks too short. Love.
My therapist advised me to keep my own counsel, & not say anything remotely vulnerable. That worked for a while, but I eventually needed to find my own voice. That's been challenging
I felt I HAD to explain why I hadn’t done some things and why I did other things. I was so ashamed of my past. I was SO EMBARRASSED by my 20 years of being dominated.
Oh my gosh me too. 21 yrs. And when he left our marriage he flipped everything around.
Me too
My parents are so narcissistic & so determined to keep me in the scapegoat role that they are able to find fault with me even when I keep our conversations very neutral, like the weather or traffic. Sometimes I think they're truly delusional because they, especially my mother, even blamed me for stuff that happened to them when I was not even present with them. 🙄😨🤦🏻♀️
For example, "No, the weather is not sunny" etc, whatever you're thinking it's the opposite for them. They're high conflict people. Avoid.
Oh god please just get away soul sister. We need to find our real family and let go of these crazy people...❤
I started my youtube channel and facebook group for narcissistic abuse survivors BECAUSE of my urge to overshare 😅 I couldn’t shut up about it. My npd mother and enabling father disowned me three years ago, as a manipulative tactic, but they wouldn’t have thought that I wouldn’t fight back, so they were surprised to lose all control over me al at once. I had to share more than three decades of abuse, so I learned everything I could about narcissism, became an expert, and shared what I could. It’s been three years now, but I still have a lot to say 😅 throughout the years I have helped dozens of ppl to get back on their feet and start a better life, so my oversharing had some positive impact on others’ lives at least, which I’m grateful for!
This is why this channel is such a godsend for some of us. If you're having a day of ruminating it's helpful to be able to have a place to maybe over share and be heard by sympathetic listeners. Thanks Dr. Ramani!❤
That ruminating is a TOTAL BUMMER!
Man if I had seen this video in 2021 :(...I cast my cares to Jesus now. I overexplain and "overshare" during my prayer time. He already knows everything but I still say it like He wasn't there. I even get immediate responses during my prayer time and sometimes afterwards. My prayer times are now over an hour long, sometimes 2 hours and even longer but I feel so much lighter after and it's free. Holy Spirit has helped me heal and grow in ways I cannot describe because of this. It's still work in progress though :)
If you have read this comment and want to also trust in Jesus Christ as your Savior?
Salvation is the free gift of eternal life that is made possible only through Jesus Christ. John 3:16-17 KJV states, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved."
The apostle Paul tells us in Romans 6:23 KJV, "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Salvation is not limited to any denomination, race, gender, or age, but it is freely available for everyone. "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" (Romans 10:13 KJV).
I want to go through this with Him as well
I am a believer as well but let's be real: it is not enough. We need to talk to another human being, to have this tangible human connection. If we could do without it, the Lord would have never created Eve. I have noticed over the years that by bottling everything inside and spending time only confiding only to the Lord, I've been slowly dying inside.
@@e.a.6988 this is so true my sister or brother in Christ. Greetings to you beloved of the Lord. This doesn’t work for everyone and yes, absolutely as the body we are here to edify one another. For me, God has been a literal psychologist and that is my real experience and it’s ok if in your case you would need someone to talk to. Nothing wrong with that and I hope my comment was not implying this. I was simply sharing what has helped me tremendously. Can I share a recent testimony? So this morning from 3AM to 5AM I was in prayer. I opened up to the Lord about an ex that I have a hard time letting go (even though he has rejected me in the past and moved on with his life) I told God, look I know I look crazy believing we were “meant to be together” but continued to share my reasons why I believed this and asked God to please share if He agrees and how He sees things and also for Him to help me let go if I’m holding on to false hope. Do you know what happened next? I went to bed and woke up again at 9-ish this morning to do my “starting the day” prayer. The Holy Spirit spoke through me as I was praying and I found myself saying something to the effect of “my daughter, you are a high-value woman…as soon as you understand this and walk in this truth you will not only be more confident about yourself and your value in other people’s lives but you will also realise that only a high-value man will appreciate you without you needing to get a chance to ‘prove yourself’. He also gently reminded me that this comes from not being taught my value in my upbringing and that to Him I have always been important even when I was a sinner”. This set me free! My eyes finally opened up to my low self-esteem and how it comes from being rejected and deprived of affection as a child. Consulting session done :)
Throughout my entire upbringing, I had to stifle my true self with my damaging narcissistic mother. This continued with my attraction to narcissistic potential mates. Before the year 2000, there were no research/studies on malignant narcissism. Every therapist I went to had no idea what I was going through. Although too late for me, I applaud the research and studies into this damaging and dangerous syndrome.
I really struggle with this. As you said, I have to keep so much to myself that I massively overshare when I'm around people I feel safe with.
Just imagine - someone listening....
Yes. We do/ did not feel heard for SO LONG!
My goodness has this become an issue for me. I remained quiet for 6 decades, now you can't shut me up. This is a cruel joke on me, my biggest need is to be seen and understood. I can be seen alright, but understood? Most of the times we don't even understand ourselves. Either we isolate and keep ourselves distant from others, or we overshare and push them away. It comes fast, I am trying to learn to be content in who I am and finding inner peace where I don't need to talk about it. I can talk when someone asks, otherwise I need to stay away of sharing intimate things about what I am going through. Thank you Dr. Ramani for bringing this to our attention. We see it, but don't. We all know what that means.
I understand
Have you tried Journaling ...aka a diary? I promise you...writing out what others cannot or should not hear is SOO HELPFUL!
Oversharing feels like justifying one's existence and the need to 'feel' heard...unfortunately, it can occur by accident, due to lack of self-control *sigh...there are days I keep thinking about what I said and possibly regretting it (to some parties)...worrying over spilt milk, anxiously...although this vulnerability can be appreciated by some people, because they feel like they finally know know you, but some people don't take certain stories/views well simply coz it's hard and bothersome to relate/empathize
It’s surprising to me how few people really understand narcissistic personality’s. I tried to explain what happened to me with a new friend and she had a total blank face. She had no idea what I was talking about. I stopped trying to explain it after that.
It’s still part of the people pleasing wanting to make everyone else comfortable at our own expense. We conquered the hardest step which was the physical separation and we will heal our inner spaces next.
I definitely did this...Initially, and in the midst of it all, I shared nothing. But once away, I just wanted to be understood and yes, feel empowered. Now I just don't share only a need basis.
I just left a 9 year relationship and I'm scared to speak with anyone, I'm looking so careful at people now and have no want for anything but healing. I'm afraid of just how many people are this way.
You’re learning to trust yourself again & practice discernment. I use the 51/49 per cent rule. More kind than not out there but be careful because the unkind are almost half the population now
Take your time to heal, at your unique pace. Don't be hard on you. 🍀
I have done this.. It has caused so many problems. Either I have ended up looking stupid or like a child.. given info that wasn't required, and individuals have judged me. They felt better because I was having a bad time. And many.. have taken it as me being vulnerable and put me in a position to be taken advantage of. It seems like ppl almost enjoy that you're in such a situation. Surprisingly, i still do it even though i know it. Either i shut off completely or talk too much as if i need to prove myslef.
Same
Same, there's a deep need for justice after all the gaslighting and not being believed. Need to explain how it's possible that I lost so much and got into a vulnerable position, but then most people don't respect you or understand it anyway, and when you're not careful you are potentially opening yourself up to more predatory people.
It feels like trying to find reality after walking through a living nightmare.
❤Shout out to all you active and reflective listeners out there who have literally saved lives by being present with someone, however arduous it may have been at the time. For holding through until we break through and find ourselves again. From old friends to random strangers~ thank you dearly for taking the time, I'll pay it forward endlessly 💗
@@ktbiwk during close down for two years I watched Dr Ramani and others. If we are not educated on the narcissist, for me I had no words to describe the horrors I had been through. Why we need each other to be there who have been there. 💗ty
We’re a tribe 😉
I was told I have saved three.
Some of us were taught to over shar too. As a result of having a diagnosis as a child I learned that I needed to tell anyone I met about my "disability" so they knew. Turns out that I am a lot happier if I don't and just get to know some one first. Also there are a lot of people out there who want to "help" and rescue me to make them selves look good.
People can be unbelievably patronising. I understand and agree with what you said.
I can relate to over-sharing. I have shut down and not spoken. Then, when I get to share, it overwhelms the other person. It can be exhausting for all of us. Having this space is helpful. Having certain people that almost understand is helpful. An inner voice begins to regulate what can be expressed and what should be kept to oneself.
Thank you for helping me to find myself and my inner voice. Thank you for helping me to find balance. 😊
The injustice enrages me! The narcissists goes his marry way and enjoys life, I’m left beaten, with permanent eye injury, a shadow of what I was, I keep quiet for 25 years of hell and then when I finally break free I can’t be telling about his abuse???? Because it would make me vulnerable to other narcissists or people whom I thought were my friends consider me bitter and revengeful when I talk about my experiences 🤯So I have to walk on eggshells AGAIN to find the balance and share my experiences, but not too much mind you, so that people wouldn’t think I’m bitter or monopolizing the conversation. The hell with it!!! I’m sick and TIRED or being careful and walking on eggshells- I will talk my brains out until everyone knows what kind of evil, violent slime I had to deal with!!! I just can’t pretend anymore that I care that my “friend” is so disappointed that the boots she wanted were sold out and when she asks “How are you?” I just say it’s one ‘my’ days (meaning I feel down) she brushes it away with a comment “Oh but I saw a really cute pair of similar boots”! I know the world does not revolve around me and my traumas, but when you ask me “How are you?” at least have the decency of hearing me out!!!!!
You can vent on social media too at groups about narcissists.
Thank you, I definitely overshared since my divorce 2yrs ago. I was so lost and lonely. I probably just talked to anyone who would listen. I had divorce care, therapy, friends and family. But I felt overwhelmed and wanted someone to listen and really care about me. Thank God i turned to my faith in God. The betrayal can be unbearable.
During the toxic relationship, total silence, shame. After it breaks up, starting to over sharing 😮😢
Exactly, same pattern.
I can totally relate. I felt like a volcano erupting. I couldn't stop talking. Unfortunately, I still overshare, when the narcissist puts pressure on me.☹️
I finally talked to both my Dr.s last week. The looks on my Dr's face's said it all.How messed up my life has been since l married this crazy man and how he chipped away at my personality 💔 😢My hair falling out.Shaky.Throwing up all the time.l need help to get the hell out of here.
how are you doing so far had ask 🤔 I get it .
Not one of us coming out knows exactly what to do. I 100% believe that talking about it releases yourself from so much that you questioned before now becomes renumeration to heal. Suppressing it causes apathy, depression, sadness, etc. It is human nature to want to have freedom of expression without judgment. I can see from simply talking about it, I am reducing the amount of renumeration. I tell my friends have patience. I am cognizant that I am passing through healing. Eventually, it will stop through healing. It is now my testimony. I will remember, but no more pain. This is where you stop over talking
Guilty as charged! I was muted for so long, I gaslit myself for years and then I was practically shouting my truth! People obviously saw me as crazy. I now speak truth slightly selectively assuming they can't understand and will probably always say something stupid because they can't understand this. I can forgive it because I couldn't understand it when it was my Mother.
I NEEDED THIS. How embarrassing. I've gone overboard so many times on things, and given that I have been so silent and simple for so long, I see how people might think I've suddenly gone crazy. Talking about interests of mine, feelings and thoughts I've had that I've not talked about in years, they think I'm going through a manic phase 😅 And I have to reassure them I'm not suddenly this new person, I've just been hiding it all for years. It's been dormant. Gonna watch this a few times. Need that balance.
There's a time to be silent and there's a time to be loud. In abusive situations, being loud about your experience prevents the narcissist from doing the same to the next person. Abusers capitalize on your silence. So be loud, extremely loud about calling out abuse.
I was definitely an oversharer. I’ve mostly stopped.
PPL who have been in abusive narcissistic relationships have had their lives destroyed and are now in desperate situations to not make mistakes based on their circumstances. Thank you for your wisdom Dr. Ramani 🙏🏻
I shared about my troubled relationship with my family with someone whom I thought to be a friend, she then turned and weaponized that information. Used a favor she did for me in a time of need as something to hold over my head and take my agency away “you can’t say anything about the way I treat you, otherwise you’re ungrateful. You owe me. You’re not showing reciprocation if you set a boundary with me. Remember, YOU OWE ME”.
I figured that I am making up for the pervasive gray-rocking of the past. Finally, a chance to be seen, and it feels good.
Thank you for covering this. I'm 70 and STILL have to keep myself on a leash verbally, to not inundate others with my life experiences. I've for so long felt like I was the selfish person my parents suggested I was, "wanting everything to be about me." I guess I'm still a little starved for attention and validation, but I've grown enough to catch myself, stop my occasional diatribes to express curiosity about my companions and let theirs be the story for a while. I guess it's working; I've got some friends who seem to care about me. But you just explained why I still struggle to hold back the flood. And the times I've had it turned against me, or alienated people I didn't want to overwhelm? OUCH. What you're teaching here has decided me to talk to my friends (not acquaintances) about this compulsion and that they can feel free to help me ease out of it, with a code phrase I'll develop, like maybe "Wow. You've really been through it." I want us all to be safe and free, not held hostage by compulsions.
Wow I just recognized this in myself yesterday. Realized that I am still looking outwards for acceptance.
Usually I'm just so excited to be learning and growing so much, I want to share what I have learned with others, or celebrate successes!
Made myself the promise last night I would NOT reach out to people/social media to toot my own horn or even talk about myself. I'm pretty sure I lost some clients this past year but ALSO know I'm going in the right direction and will shed all kinds of people and behaviors as I continue to grow and embrace my authenticity ♡
This is exactly why I kept ending up in narcisstic relationships 😢
The trick for me was that I felt a need to overshare to compensate against the narcissist's smear campaign (especially when that smear campaign was directed at people in MY support system).
Problem is you can give fuel to the flying monkeys.
@@LaraClahane Indeed. As survivors, it becomes a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation, and that's what makes it so challenging.
Oversharing and over explaining was an issue for me long after removing myself from a toxic/narcissistic marriage. The depth of abuse that unravels, sometimes long after the relationship ends, keeps you talking. Thank you for reminding us to not overshare Dr. Ramani. When did the world become so frightening and dangerous? I was a very naive woman for trusting and believing the best quality character in others and ignoring redflags. Thank you for your work 💗. Healing is a very personal and humbling life quest.
This is exactly where I am...and I overshared with the wrong person...another narcissist...and I'm just...trying not to let myself sink, again.
I felt victim. It eats you up and you need a listening ear. Some of us are far away from our countries and we don't even talk often to our families. And even if we did, they wouldn't relate to our predicaments. I did try with my sister and she made the situation worse by breaking down and crying. I had to be the one to console her again and then hang up. We also don't have partners. We are just on our own. Imagine being a narcissistic boss or supervisor far away from your country, family, friends, etc. It's not easy. This isn't just an intimate relationship that you can just replace. It's a matter of finances, academics, etc. I have been through this and the only therapy I had was listening to this lady. I say had because I did manage eventually to get out and get new supervisors, and the narcissistic supervisor had her day with the disciplinary committee. Apparently, she had so many disciplinary cases.
@@jilokizito1705 businesses can lose some good employees due to one narcissist.
Been there, done that. And it was worse than that. I spent way to long trying to keep a lid on it and I was so frustrated for way too long and I had accommodated his stinking thinking, way to long and was subject to his abuse, for way too long. When the top blew off, I could not stop the puss, steam, anger and pain from coming out. I wish there would have been a safe place to be in this time, but no, it had to be done , right where I was, and it was ugly. There was no controlling or stopping or being rational at that time which lasted way too long. I know I did not do this well - but I survived. That is all I can say. I did burn out all of my supports. And I am the one who looks crazy. He has gone back to being Mr. nice guy who tells people what they want to hear, etc. I don't think anyone can ever understand this phase unless ones has gone through it.
I found myself pouring my Heart and Soul out to anyone who asked how I was, but sometimes in those moments I could see the toxicity in some of the people that asked.🍒
Oh God you're describing me too. Ouch.
This is a very valid consideration. Only its failure to thrive.. some of us have no voice. There can be levels. Narcissist. His church and others. No money. No way to get help. Silent for years. Need help. This is valid. The entire dynamic is a destructive path. We are seen as mentally challenged. And narcissists abound. True friends should understand, and they aren't true and they don't understand. Yes you are very aware of the dynamics. Im in WNY. Thank you Dr Ramani.
This is exactly the issue I have after my relationship with a covert narcissist. I've never been one to overshare, but since the break up I found myself doing it constantly and then beating myself up later. I'm trying to find some balance but it's so hard. Now I at least understand why it's the case, thanks Dr Ramani - as always.
Me too
I haven't even watched this yet (currently am), but for me it was because I felt silenced. I also realized how much they'd lie about to attempt to ruin my image so I just told the truth. For one, I felt free, it felt like a release of burden. Two, I wanted the truth to be known. I've always thought, people that have a problem with overcharging usually have something their trying to hide themselves so it makes them uncomfortable that someone that will spill their guts out like that.
Both of my parents had narcissistic tendencies. They made me feel like a failure at everything. I put myself through university and got two degrees, raised my children on my own. I left my ex because he constantly belittled me just like my father. I ended up constantly over sharing because I felt like people didn’t trust me, I try very hard not to lie because my parents always accused me of lying and I didn’t lie, so I always overcompensated by over sharing. I’m 66 and I still sometimes over share because I feel like I have to over explain everything and I have to let people know that my motives and intentions are good.
Talk when you have something to say, not because you feel you have to just say something.
Being around narcissists trains you to look for outside validation and confirmation for everything, you can and should recognize and undo that, learn to feel complete alone.
Dr i didn't know what narcissist was u saved my life..learning about this...thank you
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Your former spouse sounds like he was a Sexual Addict, "SA". Like all addicts they seek supply for their damaged brain. This usually accompanies Dismissive Avoidant, Covert Narcissistism. My former spouse of 38 yrs displayed the same behavior ! When he left, he saud he was messed up and I agreed! Then I started to GET HELP FOR MY BRAIN! Now, yrs later, no contact(except via attorneys) I am learning peace without eggshells!
Thanks!
That's exactly what I do. And it makes me feel bad about myself. Over sharing.... that's what it is! Thanks Dr R!
My narcissistic parents created a rule specifically for me: I had to raise my hand if I wanted to speak and then wait for permission. You can imagine the impact this had on me as I grew older. Whenever someone showed me any attention, I didn’t know how to handle it. After my most recent encounter with a narcissist, where it felt like they took away a piece of my soul, I feel lost. I’m not sure who I am anymore, but staying quiet feels like the only safe option.
🦋
People are absolutely dispicaple these days. If someone over shares with me I listen. If I over share with someone they bait me to use the information against me later. As a result, I lie to people and don't tell them anything about myself period. People have a bad habit of walking up to me and asking me what I do for a living, so I started telling them other jobs than what I do. Strangers shouldn't be coming up to me questioning me anyway.
Right 👍
Thank you for this! I have a very safe neighbor-turned-friend that I just couldn’t stop sharing too much with until I realized I was monopolizing conversations with. She’s an educator so she was very patient with me and gave me enough space to stop doing it. But, it’s even more relevant as I have a friend that I think is dying in her narcissistic marriage.
He didn’t lie to her and revealed his diagnosis early. Her nervous system is shutting down, mystery illnesses and phantom pains everywhere. Whenever we do speak, she spills everything and I never get a word in. I listened during her divorce but now I’m just listening to her tell everything that isn’t being heard in her other relationships. I was ready to accept that our relationship was over. Now I can see things differently.
I’m not saying it saved our friendship but this has helped me see her actions in a totally different light. I watched my mother-in-law die similarly, medicated so heavily all she did was work and sleep. The likelihood of her ending the friendship if I warn her is high, but she’s too young to die like this.
I used to be the type of person that would overshare with complete strangers. I won’t ever see them again, so I feel safer to share words I never thought I would say aloud. I’ve had great conversations with strangers, it’s a reminder that we aren’t the only ones going through this in the world.
I completely understand the need to overshare. The need to be seen, heard and validated is overwhelming. Unfortunately, we are indoctrinated in our society that Americans are basically good and we should help each other. This simply is fiction. In addition, psychologists say one of the most practiced means to making new friends is that you share a little sensitive information with someone and see what they do with it. Making new connections with others always involves a certain degree of risk. We’re also experiencing a terrible isolation and loneliness epidemic in America, so I think the risk for over sharing heightens because it’s so rare that anyone gives you the time of day anymore. I try to navigate these waters by lots of self forgiveness and refuse to let anyone shame me because I really needed to talk to someone and they chose to weaponize my need. That’s on them, but I radically accept who they are at that point and move on. For me, I am not going to isolate. I accept that trying to form new connections comes with a high degree of risk. Our society is sick.
I'm using the counselor's advice to share a little and wait, see how they respond. Even with men I've found the healthy ones relax a little and decide to open up a little, that they're dealing with issues similar to my own. The unhealthy ones judge right away, to "one-up" me, and instantly I know we've gone as far as we're going. Buh-bye. And I only invested one little bit of information.
The North American society, more than that the Anglo-Saxon one, is so superficial. It's this shallow "peach culture" that gives people the illusion that everyone is genuinely kind and interested in what's going on in other people's lives. It is not the safest environment to heal or talk about your trauma. People politely listen to you but they aren't usually emotionally attuned to what you're saying because they have been raised to have shallow human interactions outside their inner circle.
Gosh and here I was thinking that my over sharing was a result of my ADHD. I never considered it could also be a trauma response and an attempt to feel seen, understood and to relate and connect with others 😻
This is a perfect example of my fear of people. I have had social anxiety my whole life. Thank you Dr. Ramani! I am in some sort of therapy, but your videos have helped me survive daily! Thank you for all this knowledge. I am lonely and I am an oversharing person when I get nervous. The pain of narcissistic abuse and toxic people. Still searching for a room I can feel safe in. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏.
Same.
"Go where you are welcome
Stay where you are comfortable"
What if you have become so distrusting you do not feel comfortable anywhere?
Also people pick up on your distrusting which subconsciously sends a message you are not trustworthy as well.
......this is overwhelming. I can't even find words for how I feel. I don't know how I feel. I go sp numb.
Decades ago I was married to a abusive, narcissistic man when I who treated me in all the ways that you described. Once I escaped he, of course , started a smear campaign against me. Many people of our acquaintance believed his lies and rejected me. I’m sure they were thinking, “He’s such a nice guy. What’s wrong with her?” I was grateful to have family and a few trusted friends that really knew and loved me that I could safely talk to about my experiences. I’m sure I did over share with them but it really helped in my healing process to be able to talk about it. After all these years, I sometimes have to reign myself in during a conversation and remember to really listen and show concern toward the other person. I am happy to say that I became adept at spotting individuals who are users and abusers and make a point of steering clear of them. If it is someone that I can’t completely avoid, I am cordial but very guarded.
Wow dr Ramani 🙏 💖
I’ve been through “the dark knight of the soul” in 2016 and started to learn about narcissism and how things apply to my life.
But untill now I’ve never seen a video or article specific about this topic and exactly as you describe, I think maybe this is the biggest struggle for me in life..Thank you so much for spreading your knowledge, it really helps 🌟
Great Pain...
Has taught Me to keep my mouth shut
Yep.
Thank you so much for making me feel normal and acknowledging my experience and my struggles to feel normal in the social settings. Years I’ve been blaming and shaming myself for being egocentric and compulsive and weird. it’s been so hard.. 😭
I totally agree … share very little and close the book . I want to move forward and live in peace ☮️
Close the book... that's a really helpful visual. Going to try to look at it like that. Thanks.
I honestly don’t care to share it with others. I went thru that & now I’m going thru the healing process. It’s painful & difficult. I’m connecting the dots & putting it together. The one thing I’m struggling with is the motivation & drive I once had. It was a therapy to keep everything taken care of etc. Now, I just can’t seem to get it back. I’ve booted all the toxic family members & people out of my life & it feels good to take back control of my life. I’m not yet in a place to start making new friends or talking to a select few. I don’t want to be around anyone right now. I just want to reflect & work on myself & heal.
There are a lot of people to not trust, I learned the hard way. Trust only a few.
After not being seen and heard for a couple of decades, and recently getting out of that, I have found myself oversharing. A lot. I tried to also hold space for those people I shared with, to let them speak, because being seen and heard is extremely important. But I'm sure that this has been more one-sided on my part. The pressure-cooker analogy is spot on. I just burst forth. I'm calming down, and learning. It's a hard process though. We have to learn to forgive ourselves, and to apologize to those we did this too.
I overshared in my Sunday School class. Not a good place. The ladies there enjoyed gossip and passed on what I said to lots of folks. I think even members of the SS class had not realize when they had gone from a group to listen and support to one that wanted to hear juicy things about others and pass it on in order to feel better about themselves.
In church, gossip is disguised as prayer requests.
This is an invaluable explanation of why I overshare. Will be practicing to aim for that sweet spot
Oh my goodness- if only I knew how to STFU in 2020.
I was extremely messy- oversharing my entire life on the internet ….looking for connection and understanding. I was not aware that I was still surrounded by a deluge of ick - I wasn’t safe.
Learning about appropriate sharing has been the gift I still struggle with, because there are parts of me that desperately want to be seen .
I’m better at it now… but still notice it when I fawn at folk.
It’s a sad reality- but sharing your vulnerability brings out the meat eaters who see you as easy prey. Not the kind people who treat you gently and help you convalesce.
I’m forever grateful for this channel (and the community Dr. Ramani & her team have created).
Fawning isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's a survival tactic, and an effective one.
I have realized so many times AFTER that I overshared... talked too much, not leaving space for the other person to share also... It was all about me, me, me ... don't like that!! I have to be SUPER conscious whent talking with people, especially new people but at the same time someone told me that when they met me it felt like I was controlling, that I was off and strange...
Can't please them all!!!
WOW ! I'll say it again, You Really know what you are talking about! Trying to explain narcissism to someone who hasn't experienced it, is almost impossible. Thanks again.
Thank you Dr Ramani, I hate when I overshare and replay it over and over in my head! I always feel so embarrassed and self conscious afterwards! This helped me see that it comes from a wound, and that I’m not just immature or lacking self awareness