I felt similarly about the statement you are not supposed to be secure in an insecure environment. I realised if I am not supposed to be secure there then I must leave.
@@metalman3432 you should never feel that way. People who want to spend time with you make time. For those who don't let them go. I know it sounds cruel, or simple, but so true. I promise. Those who are supposed to come back will. I've seen it. So glad for those who've left, and blessed for those who've stayed. I pray for you. Love from CA. 💜🙏
@@metalman3432 It depends on the person, obviously, but if it is a persistent behavioural pattern, quite possibly, yeah. The cumulative effect of it. It comes off as needy and low value behaviour.
TheLUCYCAT just went thru this myself. Kept listening to the empty promises and bullshit. I finally realized I was really wasting my time and that I deserved much better. It left me hurting and drained but I know I can’t and won’t turn bk. It’s not worth it. Anybody that can’t and won’t make time for you at least sometimes; does not wanna b bothered. Period.
Oh my goodness, Susan! I wasted so much time on a man for whom I was not a priority. He was always so busy and didn't have lot of time until it was time for me to do something for him. We spent time together, but it wasn't enough. Finally, out of frustration, hurt and frankly anger, I just walked away. When I found myself in a subsequent relationship that started going the same way, I walked away again faster and much sooner. Now, I am in a relationship with a great guy who wants the same level of commitment that I do. He has two jobs, but I have told him up front, "I need your time". Never again will I pour more into a relationship than what I get out. It's just not fair.
It's sad to read about other women who having similar situation to mine but it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one going through this nonsense and there is hope.
Me too. Seems like a story most women have one of. My ex actually responded in anger and hurt when I pointed out how much he bailed on me -- physically and emotionally. I was told I was too needy. I bought that narrative for two years. Now, for my sake, no more.
Sadly, I have been told I am needy, crazy, annoying etc. for asking the basic questions you speak of. I have also been consistently shown I am not a priority. Sadly, I have put up with this for far too long. You are so on point, Susan. Thanks
I was just told I am crazy and high maintenance. Umm dude, you need to write a book containing all of you " reasons" you can't talk, text, or spend time with your girlfriend. You met my family, why can't I meet yours? Good bye loser!
Keep, Agree completely. Once you are healthy and actually do not even care either way - bam...out of the woodwork people keep showing up in life And by that time, it doesn't even matter HA!! You can take um or leave um - you will be fine either way
After finding myself doing this, I came up with the rule "If it isn't f*** yes, it's f*** no". No room for ambiguity, which really helps when you're trapped in a whole lot of feelings. If their response is anything less than a solid yes, then that's fine, but they can figure themselves out away from me. They can approach me again at a later date if they like, but I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who isn't respecting me. It can be a hard one to implement, especially when you have strong feelings, but this kind of healthy boundary saves a lot of long-term heartache!
I think most people who have demonstrated unending patience, don't want to either lose the relationship, fear the breakup, fear starting over, & are afraid to be alone and may not find someone else to love. I was too patient for too long and experienced everything you said. Finally, I left and did a happy dance. :)
The answer is simple: BYE BYE!!! Ain't got time to waste with someone that is manipulating you into being clingy with them but the second you'll act like one, they will point it out and walk away!! GET RID OF APPLE!!! Stop acting like kids!
Wooow this is heartbreaking but also soooo true. I've been playing the "cool nice girl always in a good mood" for a long time, doing the 80% of the work and trying to convince herself that she should be happy with crumbs. But i know i need to move on. Thank you for this video!
@Alixir1228 I was in that situation 6 years ago, and yes, it sucked to be that kind of person. I moved on from that sick dynamic and I'm happily married now to someone that loves me for who I am and I feel free to be vulnerable. No one that wants you to do all the work deserves your time and love.
The being silent... that’s exactly what my friends say to do. I shouldn’t say anything because it makes me look desperate. If I try and say something to him he gets irritated. He used to be so kind and passive. Now I just see passive aggressive. He’s loving the control now that I’m passive and he’s not. This gives me nothing but anxiety and sleepless nights. You are right Susan. It shouldn’t be this difficult
@suny123boy1 Then they would be like "see, you are the problem. Busy picking fights with everyone" . With the friends i would say she needs to slowly wean them off to third tier friends/ acquaintances. Those aren't people you want around you but at the same time no need to create more drama.
This hit me like a bag of bricks to my stomach. Thank you for fighting to get us to see ourselves and the world more clearly. Your words are healing and supportive and I know they will continue help thousands of people. Thank you for sharing your gift and wisdom!
After a year and a half of wishy washy and inconsistent communication with someone, I finally told him it felt too difficult to remain in contact and try to be friends. He agreed. I deleted him from my contacts list and blocked him from all forms of communication! In the end, it didn't matter what he said or offered to try and keep me interested anymore. All that mattered is how I felt. And I felt like shit, having stomach aches and anxiety, feeling hurt that he was avoiding me and confused that he also claimed to want connection. We were not even a couple.... I knew I was not a priority and I trained myself to make him a non-priority too, but it was a painful process and I do not recommend it. I really wanted to believe that we could be friends, but it was too much of a struggle.
Oh my it’s like your speaking with my words. After all of that I’m torn between whether to keep him as the friend he was before or simply ignore him and lose our old time friendship after he disrespected my feelings
Wow TH-cam knows exactly what I'm going thru. I just texted my ex becuz she keeps reaching out but wen I text bck she ingores me. I told her please leave me alone unless im a priority in her life. Alot of ppl might call me needy but the facts are that I need to be respected.
Johnny, brother, you are spot on my friend. According to 20+ years of experiencing similar treatment,along with mucho grande' amt of listening, reading, studying,$eminars, & sleepless nights, I, myself, along with that book called.... what's it called? ... Oh Yea! I think they call it the Bible ( Lol), wholeheartedly concur in regards to your requiring RESPECT! RESPECT,Sex, companionship, domestic support, ( with " respect" being in the top place, by a landslide).... Respect is a need for a man, [&a woman also], just as much,if not moreso, than Love, security, & confidence that she ,( & her offspring, if there is any) is a definite & legitimate needfor her. Hang tough my friend 🙏.... I need to practice what I preach , myself!
Thank u susan... I am my own priority now that i let that dead weight go, I've been very content the last month did it hurt "yes" , however I'm too old for games and looking for someone with real intentions
I just left my partner of 4 years after spending 8 months of trying to make things work and learn how to handle being a non priority. I’ve been feeling guilty and hurting ever since but this video felt like a fresh breath of air! It’s hard to not feel bad and torture myself out of guilt but this put things in perspective. Odd how a video from someone you don’t even know can be so healing.
I had to listen to this THREE times and will probably listen again because it is so much common sense! Why do we lose our minds when we fall in love? Oy!
Actions speak louder than words. Rather than tell your partner that you're thinking about moving on, just start moving on. Do whatever you would normally do if you were going to move on. If you're a little overweight, start a diet. If you need to firm up, start going to the gym. Even if you don't need to firm up start going to the gym. It's a great place to meet people. Start buying hot new clothes. And shoes! Start going out with your friends and meet new people. If your partner calls to ask you out, simply tell them you would love to go out, but this Friday or Saturday or weekend, you're going to be busy. If they ask you what you're going to be doing, simply tell them you're going out with your friends. If they ask you why, simply say, "To have fun." Your partner knows what it looks like when someone's getting ready to move on. if they don't start paying more attention to you when they see you starting to move on, words won't help. Plus, you will already be well on your way to moving on when you discover whether or not they're going to start paying more attention to you. Unfortunately, we only really start valuing what we think we might truly lose. Oh. And if they do start paying more attention to you, don't ever stop doing the "moving on" things. Dieting, exercising and going out with friends are all good things, and they keep reminding your partner why they chose you when they thought that they were going to lose you. The only relationship security is being able to get the next one. I imagine that that the conversation approach has worked fine for Susan, because every man she ever dated knew that she could move on at the drop of a hat. For the rest of us, actions speak louder than words.
Anon amous Excellent advice. Thank you. I believe it is the solution to regain self esteem, strength and show the partner how wrong they are to take us for granted.
“And the truth shall set you free!” Thank you, Anon amous. Excellent advice. BTW, I released 40 pounds going to the gym every day and am in the best physical health of my life!
Non-priority is not a myth. In fact I am experiencing this right now. From what I have been told, this is a test to see if I will be too needy if the relationship moves to the next step. Although tests are not terrible things, this test is extremely painful and difficult to endure. I am already prepping myself for this relationship to end because I don’t know how long I will be able to be silent. And I know I will say something, then there will be a huge fight, and boom.. it’s over!
Only people manipulating are testing. Don't ever forget that because once you know that, that's the one and they know it too then it's simple, not complicated.
@@Confessions089 I’ve learned that people tend to forget that when they interact with someone online that there is actually a living, breathing, human being on the other side of that screen. People become insensitive, rude, disrespectful, dismissive, and uncaring about the fact that they could hurt others just out of spite. People like you lash out with anger irrationally just to ease your own mental pain. The fact that that I’m aware of what you’re doing allows me to step back, and not take it personally. I do, however, become concerned about your mental health, and the mental health of those you strike out at. … not everyone can handle heckling. Just maybe try to become aware of that.
Thank you so much! I rarely comment on videos like this, but your words are so right…I’m gonna watch this video everyday because I need a reminder that I’m important because for a few months I feel like I’m worth nothing. I hope I will heal
This is speaking to me right now with friendships. Because out of fear of drama and attention seeking, I suffered and settled. End up getting less than what I settled for
Friendships are different though. They have no obligation to make you a priority. Especially as you get older with life’s priorities, such as your own family, relationship commitment and kids, let alone doing well in ur job , etc. friends should ever expect to be a main placeholder in someone’s life.
Thank you Susan 🙏 you're right, you're supposed to feel safe, heard, seen in a relationship, if we feel anxious, sad, clingy, it's not us, it's because the other person is not secure, we don't feel safe, and we don't trust our gut because we love that person, but deep inside we know we're not supposed to feel crippling anxiety but joy and safety. Love yourself enough to ask for your needs and walk away when they are not met.
I wish I knew this 12 years ago before I met the man who taught me all this the hard way. I felt like you listed every mistake I lived through with such clarity. If people find your videos they stand a chance of not wasting as many years in mistakes as I did...
Chooselove 4all Been were you are.. be gentle and kind with your SELF... time is never wasted.. it helped bring awareness. It's an investment.. re write your story.. the end will be amazing.
I found this yesterday as I was randomly looking for reassurance that I deserve better in my 10 month relationship, your message is so powerful I got up today and ended it, I deserve much better and I’m worth more than the scraps of affection he throws at me to keep me there, I’m hurting but I 100% know I’ve done the right thing and he is gobsmacked and dug a bigger hole with his initial response which confirmed it completely. Thank you for helping me see my own worth x
Yes, I'd have to agree with the trend in dating. We're expected to be agreeable, flexible, nice, etc. Those qualities are great if we're not doormats. I finally had to say what my needs were. Never heard from him again. I lamented for a month. Met him online. He's still using some 6 year old photo! What was I thinking?! Lol. 😂 Love your vids. I'm always learning. ❤
This seems a lot like my current situation.. I feel like trying to communicate my feelings/issues will make me appear needy.. but the fact that I can’t do that makes it hard to act “normal”
I really appreciate how you follow your own instincts on how to build relationships. It beats fitting any mold. I’m 40, live in NYC and just left a 3 year dead end, casual relationship that I should’ve left within the first 3 months when I met him. All the information you need to know about someone, is there at the beginning if you pay attention. Your videos help gain a self empowering perspective. They help unscramble confusion. Thx!
Being easy going and putting my partners needs above myself (I'm secure), I became increasingly disappointed with being uncomfortable with the results of being priority #3, her dog and last 6 months of career came before. Trying to justify my uncomfortableness as a temporary feeling that would soon pass, it didn't as more avoidant signs were thrown at me. Later, she wrote an incoherent letter and more later a "Thank you card" for being a wonderful person and making a difference in her life. Literally, I treated her with respect, attention, had fun and I was still thrown out with the trash. Fearful avoidants... never again! (P.S. Agreed I'm naive about dating but I'm learning the signs of what to avoid to limit a bad partnership.)
I learn a lot from you and get very confident in dating. Like I have this "if you don't have emotional depth then go away" attitude about me now. Thanks Susan, you're the best ❤️
You are touching a very important issue in today's society.Normal, human emotions are seen as weakness.Narcisists set the rules, and manipulate everything today.
This is great advice if your partner is not too aloof or confusing to invite direct communication. Unfortunately, I am learning that the game some people play has to do with withdrawing communication.
Direct to the point is a must. Yep, we have to be the brave one. If they go ghost (physically or emotionally) or refuse engaging then the action/decision is on you. Choose life.
I think your blunt, but caring honesty "shocks" a lot of people into a more truthful reality. FACE THE TRUTH OF THEIR LIFE INSTEAD OF "THE DREAM" IN THEIR HEAD AND "MAKE CHANGES" TO MAKE THEM ONE I. THE SAME, AT LEAST AS "CLOSE" AS REASONABLY POSSIBLE AND REAL!!!
I just discovered your great channel, and still wanted to leave a comment. This hits the nail on the head! I cannot tell you how much this resonates with me. I constantly feel like I'm in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation with my current partner. If I say something I feel like I'm being needy and impatient. If I keep quiet I feel like I give the impression that I don't care or that I'm a pushover. It drives me nuts! I should feel secure with a sense of purpose and direction and I'm not. Speaking up shouldn't be about constantly second-guessing how I feel and if I am entitled to this feeling of not being a priority. Thank you Susan for this great insight!
Thank you Susan. Your message lives on. I am pouring my heart to a person who ignores my notes. I feel insecurity fears by thinking that this person is a great match, that I won’t find another. I am asking myself why so fearful and I hope to better understand myself through this process of desire, claiming my space and probably moving onward.
Great info, Susan! I'd like to mention that children are far too often used as an excuse to push you away and keep you at a priority 2 or even P10 and if you aren't OK with it, you've got a problem and will "need to just get over it and understand". My opinion is your spouse is the cake, your children are the frosting. Prioritize your relationship. Your SO is supposed to be there when the kids go off to have their own lives.
Yes indeed! It is that simple. I would say to my x that I’m not insecure as a person, I’m not secure in this relationship. He turned it all around on me. Finally I calmly said it’s over. Never turned back. He wanted closure... I was exhausted trying to explain to him that I deserve to be treated well. He thought that was demanding.. I think it’s common sense. Not here to reinvent the obvious. Still hurts but glad I did.
I literally asked my mom today “is there something wrong with me for feeling like this? Do I have to just be “okay” with being less of a priority? .... you just answered my question Mam... thanks a lot... ❤️
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’ve just wasted 1,5 years of my life trying to be more understanding and secure with some confused DA guy. I needed to hear that ❤ so happy I found your channel
“Trained to be mute” yup that’s exactly what happened to me. Now I’m learning to speak up and it’s been soooo difficult and terrifying actually. But I keep pushing through that fear so I can retrain myself
This has happened to me previously. The best thing to do is to realise your worth and move on. You’re not in arbitration and trying to convince this person of your value.
I'm in this situation,married for 21yrs,together for 28yrs,my wife as of April 2020 is back and forth with me,and at times literally takes no time to spend together when we have that time,or she isolates herself away upstairs in the bedroom on her days off work(ive been sleeping on the couch) and she works Friday-Sunday and comes home from work,says she's tired,"goodnight" and goes upstairs to bed,im desperately trying to reconnect(we've had soo many years together) but I really don't know what to do.. I dont want to loose my wife,but at the same time she doesn't seem to be even trying,she's still here,but not here if that makes sense.. I dont see much of her and when she is I try to hang out and talk to her only to get "you're hovering".. im not hovering,just hanging out to have a conversation or something,anything.. I don't know what to do
Wow, this video is exactly what I needed. Since a recent break up I've been tearing myself apart inside because I had so many insecurities and felt I made so many mistakes and beating myself up for feeling weak and that it was all my fault. I will be honest, some of it was my fault. Certain things I didn't handle in a very mature manner. Those things I admit to and feel some regret that they happened. But I often felt like I wasn't important to her at all. Some days she would completely ignore me and do whatever she pleased. And if I mentioned it, then I was whining and being needy. All this time I've been feeling so awful about myself for being needy and feeling like I didn't matter and being insecure and lacking confidence and I realize from this video that I felt those ways because she wasnt there for me half the time. Some days she was amazing and so kind and sweet. Other days I may as well have not existed. I thought it was me and my flaws, and I guess some of it was, but not all of it. I didn't feel safe with her because I wasn't safe. I was in. She wasn't. Only when she felt like it. Or so it felt to me. So hot and cold. It ended because she rejected me, stating I was just too insecure and needy for her. Which felt awful. Still does. But it definitely helps to know it wasn't all my fault. I tried and wanted to talk about a lot of things often but she wouldn't sit down at the table with me most of the time. When she did, she took what I said as jabs or me being weak and nothing got resolved. I definitely made a lot of mistakes. But she made it feel like it was all my fault. I guess to make it easier for her to walk away or feel better about herself, I dunno tbh. But it just hit me watching this video that she was never really in it with me. I was like full time and she showed up a few hours a week when she felt like it. Those few hours a week though were incredible, and that's why I didn't walk away, even though I should have several times. Thank you so much for this video Susan. Wonderfully comforting in a very tough time.
This was my exact situation in my most recent relationship in which he ended up breaking up with me last week because he couldn't make me a priority. Thank you so much for this video and your inspiring words. I will go into every new relationship remembering this.
Thank you so much, Susan. I asked God to give me some clear guidance about love, and now your videos keep showing up on my feed. I would like to think that this is an answered prayer.
I love watching your videos. They help me process and understand my feelings at my previous relationship. I now realize that I actually was patient with being not a priority in my fiancé life. I even allowed him to have a time for himself to find his path in life while postponing our marriage plans. Now thinking of it, I was stupid because he wasn’t looking for a time to find himself but to run away from me. He always tell me that being who I am, makes him jealous or angry he’s not as good as I am. What a toxic relationship I was about to walk in.
OMG where have you been all my life? always being told everything is my fault and my behavior and insecurity is a monster while them assholes lied to me, used me and gaslighted me! THANK YOU!!!
I agree. This is so refreshing to hear. My friend always tells me "go with the flow," "dont think about it." I am the type of person who takes a gamble. Even just being heard is difficult as many men I have dated dont want to discuss things
You are 100% right!!! I was muted and I thought I need to be cool in the situation. It was emotional swings for a half year. It was the worse experience ever. I don't want it anymore. Unfortunately, I didn't see your video at that time. I trusted the person too much and took his critique towards me as something reasonable. It was a gaslighting like "you are too needy, emotional, overthinking and etc.". The worse experience! Thank you for the video!!! It should see more people!🌷💕
Never again will I allow myself to feel this type of energy in a relationship. The last month before breaking up with my ex, I was anxious, I was feeling low bc he made me feel like I wasn't a priority. If I'm not worthy of your time, don't waste my time. 🖤
I went through everything you're saying in my last relationship. He was distracted, aloof and busy entertaining someone he knew before me......so I took all the signs to heart, he started pulling away and we could never make this discussion happen, he was avoiding it, so I asked myself if I was overreacting and could I try to feel secure through this insecurity and neglect, but it felt like I was deliberately stabbing my heart/head while waiting for him to wake up or make decisions. I just walked away and let him go. To the other woman that wanted him so badly....here, HAVE IT.......Now he is engaged. I'm sure she's the one I was sidelined for, but I don't chase men.....she can have it. Congratulations Ma'am. 😎
I've watched a number of vloggers who discuss similar topics but you are, BY FAR, the most articulate, knowledgable and objective one. When you go deep into the details of things, something rings. That has been my perception, thanks for making these videos!
Very helpful thank you. I've just broken off something and you word it better than I could: suffering in silence just so that he does not have to be uncomfortable with his lack of responsibility is just wrong. If he won't come to the table to talk about important things, I shouldn't be with him. Thank you for telling me why I did the right thing. Still suffered for three months in silence. Could have been done a lot quicker.
I had calm and rational convos about my needs for months and still felt unprioritized until one day I blew up at him and broke things off on impulse and regretted it. So even people who don’t hold it in still can end up blowing up. He was progressing but still not making me feel prioritized so I guess the fact I blew up so badly even after talking about things like an adult before is an indication that I really did need to end the relationship.
You are so right susan. You are very calm thats why I like your channel. I am a 26 year old and the dating scene now in my area seems very.. muting as you say. I am ready to tale charge of my life even if it hurts
Its all about self love. And when we program our selves to accept less than, from others and make excuses for them. Ps your hair is gorgeous! Bella Donna!
Umm I don't think he meant that kind of self-love, Incubus Rising. The kind he's talking about is not about entitlement. More like working one's tail off to be able to value oneself and have compassion for one's own shortcomings ~ in order to show up with self-worth and be capable of giving love with less concern about what is received in return...more or less unconditional love, as consistently as possible. When we can give from a full cup & feel abundant love without needing anyone else to validate our actual self-worth, rather than just wanting them to validate our thoughts and feelings on occasion, there is overflow from the cup that doesn't run dry. Receiving that quality of love will tend to open up a partner to give that person with the full cup what they want & need without that "cupholder" having to beg for it. The first step to self-love is setting boundaries against life's modern pressures to bleed oneself dry, by nurturing ourselves physically & emotionally without apology. "Securing our own oxygen masks first," if you will...because at the end of the day, we can't do much for anyone else if we have no reserves from which to keep on giving. I learned that from spending 15 years running myself into the ground until I could no longer maintain a normal degree of daily adult life activities (practically catatonic for months at the outset)...2.5 years into recovery & I've made progress but have a long way to go. I still struggle with allowing myself even basic necessities (like food, rest & recreation, etc.) sometimes, but I'm learning to consistently treat myself with love & not neglect myself. Today's self-love is about saying "enough is enough" to pressures when they consistently require more than we can sustainably give, & fighting our way into a lifestyle that feels more worth living, at whatever level we can create. Even small things can be a profound start, letting us work with guilt, shame, feelings of unworthiness until we know we deserve to have some degree of quality, joy, and influence over our lives. It's being able to say and actually believe "I am enough, as I am," even if only once...it's a profound experience that fortifies a person. We can add "AND I could use some improvement" to allow for healthy growth in life without feeling like we're being fake or coming from a place of shaming ourselves when setting growth in motion.
Wow! This is exactly what I needed to hear today-exactly what I'm going through. Trying to force myself to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation :( Miserable
I am being told that the problem is I do not understand him. I do not see him answering my questions. He just says let me repeat this again. You do not understand me. He says it will take time for me to understand him and until then i am in a struggle mentality. This does not make sense to me. I can see some of it. However, I think I should be getting feedback and engagement back.
The guy I was with told me I was to demanding. It was so hard to take from him since I was doing this, being so patient w him, and letting him make me a non priority. I was so damn ni e to him and that's what I got. It really gets you nowhere to let someone get away with your emotions. I love the way you lay it all down Susan. 💛
Me not following this is why my marriage fell apart. I didn't not communicate nor set boundaries. Therefore, I was not a priority for YEARS and suffered in silence. As hard as it is to go through, I'm relieved that it's over and I can now focus on rediscovering myself and learn from the experience.
So glad I’m not married anymore.What you stated in this video described my marriage with my ex wife.I went with my gut instinct and filed for divorce.Ive been single for the past ten months and enjoy my freedom and self gains.
“In a relationship, YOU are there.” Love this and the analogy of investment. If somebody isn’t investing in us or is investing themselves with somebody else through time, energy, effort, or money and we owe just as much right to ourselves to make some changes in our life as we give our partner to do so.
I’m recently back online using a dating app. And the interaction for certain individuals were uncomfortable. So, I got comfortable with saying next and blocking people who demonstrated that they are uncivil, over sexualized, aggressive etc. Previously, I wouldn’t block and tried to ignore, but noticed it was affecting my mental energy. It’s much easier now, only talking to a few potentials at a time, and having the non serious folks out of the picture. Why did I not do this before? I think I felt an obligation not to dismiss anyone. Now, I don’t dismiss myself and trust my gut.
All I can say is- thank you, thank you, thank you for this great commentary! This message was conveyed in such clarity!!! Everything makes sense now and I should have walked a long time ago. When you have a partner that wants to be in your life, they will make it readily known through their communication. When everything is crumbling around you and they keep their distance and don't engage it means they just don't give a damn. It's best to just walk away with your head held high and don't get sucked into their narcissism. Lord knows I could have used this video years ago!!! Thank you for this marvelous content Susan!!! 👍
This video was so amazing. Great info! I’ve been dealing with a man who doesn’t want to communicate and shuts down whenever we need to talk about our issues. I’ve given up. I can’t continue to be with someone that’s not giving any reciprocity.
This video is great. I got tired of my ex putting his BM (baby momma's) feelings over mine in our relationship. I put up with it for 2 years. Got told that my feelings were wrong, that I was being immature, etc., because of how I felt. The relationship left me drained. I finally left 2 weeks ago and feel so much better!
Omg thank you! Finally someone telling it straight. I am sick and tired every one to blame me that I am too impatient when I can clearly see that tricks and games are played on me. And how I should wait until the right moment for him to find time to call me and then to tell him. I am not fine when somebody tries to fool me.
You are such a wonderful dating coach! Your nuggets of advice are so valuable that I tend to learn a lot from your videos! Thank you for what you're doing for us! God bless you!
I saw a TH-cam video about being The Cool Girl. You are The Cool Girl if you tolerate anything. The girl that agrees to situations and treatment that really they dislike but just want to be cooperative. The girl that lets a guy live the single life but giving him the benefits of a monogamous relationship
This helped me so much. I'm 78 and my grains of sand are indeed running out. I recently started seeing my ex hubby. We divorced 33 years ago. It was so good for about 3 months and now i can feel that shift you speak about. Guess i have to take the bull by the horns and have "the talk".
Thank you, Susan. Your words are gold. You are such a mother figure to me, you wisdom just blows my mind and you have an answer to my every question. I wish I could find your channel much earlier before I made all the typical mistakes with that toxic person. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I just realised how stupid I was in my previous relationship absolutely blinded by my partner, where I was exactly "trying to feel secure in an insecure situation" and oh god what a stressful relationship it was. Trying not to overcrowd him with my reactions while he didn't care and just kept feeding me with the reasons to stay insecure about this whole relationship thing. I definitely gave him the power in the relationship when I was trying to act nonchalant when actually I was forcing myself act secure and chill. "Trained to be mute" - so well said...The thing is to learn to stand for what you want and not loose yourself and your personality (which might be the reason why the fell for us in the first place) while actually trying to make this relationship comfortable for the partner. I felt like I almost lost myself in that relationship the further it went...Thank you, Susan, again, you an amazing woman!
"Spending all of your time trying to be comfortable being uncomfortable." wow! THAT spoke to me! I needed it. Thank you.
This statement slapped me in the face!
Definitely felt it hit home..
I felt similarly about the statement you are not supposed to be secure in an insecure environment. I realised if I am not supposed to be secure there then I must leave.
Same with me wow!!!
Yes people want to make us fake like them
"You want somebody who wants a relationship and they want it with you!" :) It truly is that simple. Thanks Susan!
Not always my friend
It should be that simple. Don't we all wish? It's not an unbelievable request. Love to all of you. 💜
@@metalman3432 you should never feel that way. People who want to spend time with you make time. For those who don't let them go. I know it sounds cruel, or simple, but so true. I promise. Those who are supposed to come back will. I've seen it. So glad for those who've left, and blessed for those who've stayed. I pray for you. Love from CA. 💜🙏
@@metalman3432 They may have been mistaken about you. Or you might have helped them out of liking you.
@@metalman3432 It depends on the person, obviously, but if it is a persistent behavioural pattern, quite possibly, yeah. The cumulative effect of it. It comes off as needy and low value behaviour.
This made me cry. Thank you for giving me permission to get out of it.
TheLUCYCAT just went thru this myself. Kept listening to the empty promises and bullshit. I finally realized I was really wasting my time and that I deserved much better. It left me hurting and drained but I know I can’t and won’t turn bk. It’s not worth it. Anybody that can’t and won’t make time for you at least sometimes; does not wanna b bothered. Period.
Oh my goodness, Susan! I wasted so much time on a man for whom I was not a priority. He was always so busy and didn't have lot of time until it was time for me to do something for him. We spent time together, but it wasn't enough. Finally, out of frustration, hurt and frankly anger, I just walked away. When I found myself in a subsequent relationship that started going the same way, I walked away again faster and much sooner. Now, I am in a relationship with a great guy who wants the same level of commitment that I do. He has two jobs, but I have told him up front, "I need your time". Never again will I pour more into a relationship than what I get out. It's just not fair.
Awesome share, Titra. Thank you!! Happy for you both.
It's sad to read about other women who having similar situation to mine but it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one going through this nonsense and there is hope.
💗💗💗 100%
Me too. Seems like a story most women have one of. My ex actually responded in anger and hurt when I pointed out how much he bailed on me -- physically and emotionally. I was told I was too needy. I bought that narrative for two years. Now, for my sake, no more.
Amen. Thanks for sharing and God bless
Sadly, I have been told I am needy, crazy, annoying etc. for asking the basic questions you speak of. I have also been consistently shown I am not a priority. Sadly, I have put up with this for far too long. You are so on point, Susan. Thanks
I was just told I am crazy and high maintenance. Umm dude, you need to write a book containing all of you " reasons" you can't talk, text, or spend time with your girlfriend. You met my family, why can't I meet yours? Good bye loser!
Keep,
Agree completely.
Once you are healthy and actually do not even care either way - bam...out of the woodwork people keep showing up in life
And by that time, it doesn't even matter HA!!
You can take um or leave um - you will be fine either way
You should be able to express all feelings that you have and be respected for them
@@lynnebutan3060 You should be able to express your feelings but being respected for them depends on how reasonable they are.
Josh whose to define how reasonable feelings are?
After finding myself doing this, I came up with the rule "If it isn't f*** yes, it's f*** no". No room for ambiguity, which really helps when you're trapped in a whole lot of feelings. If their response is anything less than a solid yes, then that's fine, but they can figure themselves out away from me. They can approach me again at a later date if they like, but I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who isn't respecting me. It can be a hard one to implement, especially when you have strong feelings, but this kind of healthy boundary saves a lot of long-term heartache!
I think most people who have demonstrated unending patience, don't want to either lose the relationship, fear the breakup, fear starting over, & are afraid to be alone and may not find someone else to love. I was too patient for too long and experienced everything you said. Finally, I left and did a happy dance. :)
Abundance mindset is key.
@@basicinfo2022 not exactly in this case, when dating that’s absolutely true. This is more about taking care of yourself.
The answer is simple: BYE BYE!!! Ain't got time to waste with someone that is manipulating you into being clingy with them but the second you'll act like one, they will point it out and walk away!! GET RID OF APPLE!!! Stop acting like kids!
This shit so retarded why play the game? I like the pull back but that's it. Nothing else
And then gaslight you about their manipulative behavior...
Wooow this is heartbreaking but also soooo true. I've been playing the "cool nice girl always in a good mood" for a long time, doing the 80% of the work and trying to convince herself that she should be happy with crumbs. But i know i need to move on. Thank you for this video!
SAME.
Yes, stop being the "cool girl" when it's actually manipulating you to become a doormat...
@Alixir1228 I was in that situation 6 years ago, and yes, it sucked to be that kind of person. I moved on from that sick dynamic and I'm happily married now to someone that loves me for who I am and I feel free to be vulnerable. No one that wants you to do all the work deserves your time and love.
I have been there and I finally just walked away. No time for it anymore. I felt unappreciated, was a non priority and was being taken for granted.
I found you like magic. I was just giving up on life thinking I'll never have a single person who will ever care for me. Thank u. U saved a life
The being silent... that’s exactly what my friends say to do. I shouldn’t say anything because it makes me look desperate. If I try and say something to him he gets irritated. He used to be so kind and passive. Now I just see passive aggressive. He’s loving the control now that I’m passive and he’s not. This gives me nothing but anxiety and sleepless nights. You are right Susan. It shouldn’t be this difficult
Did you manage to sort things out?
JNS 03 I’m in the same boat and it sucks
Watch out for covert narcissism
@@diannewible3879 cool
@suny123boy1 Then they would be like "see, you are the problem. Busy picking fights with everyone" . With the friends i would say she needs to slowly wean them off to third tier friends/ acquaintances. Those aren't people you want around you but at the same time no need to create more drama.
This hit me like a bag of bricks to my stomach. Thank you for fighting to get us to see ourselves and the world more clearly. Your words are healing and supportive and I know they will continue help thousands of people. Thank you for sharing your gift and wisdom!
My heartfelt pleasure!!!!
After a year and a half of wishy washy and inconsistent communication with someone, I finally told him it felt too difficult to remain in contact and try to be friends. He agreed. I deleted him from my contacts list and blocked him from all forms of communication!
In the end, it didn't matter what he said or offered to try and keep me interested anymore. All that mattered is how I felt. And I felt like shit, having stomach aches and anxiety, feeling hurt that he was avoiding me and confused that he also claimed to want connection. We were not even a couple.... I knew I was not a priority and I trained myself to make him a non-priority too, but it was a painful process and I do not recommend it.
I really wanted to believe that we could be friends, but it was too much of a struggle.
Same experience, best you did was cut it off.
Oh my it’s like your speaking with my words. After all of that I’m torn between whether to keep him as the friend he was before or simply ignore him and lose our old time friendship after he disrespected my feelings
I am in the same situation!
Jamie; I am going through the same thing now.....Agreed, I could never be "just friends" with this guy.
Wow TH-cam knows exactly what I'm going thru. I just texted my ex becuz she keeps reaching out but wen I text bck she ingores me. I told her please leave me alone unless im a priority in her life. Alot of ppl might call me needy but the facts are that I need to be respected.
Well said!
Correct action, bro
That doesn't make you needy at all. Glad you realized your self worth
@nor htims Childish, selfish ppl.
Johnny, brother, you are spot on my friend. According to 20+ years of experiencing similar treatment,along with mucho grande' amt of listening, reading, studying,$eminars, & sleepless nights, I, myself, along with that book called.... what's it called? ...
Oh Yea! I think they call it the Bible ( Lol), wholeheartedly concur in regards to your requiring RESPECT!
RESPECT,Sex, companionship, domestic support, ( with " respect" being in the top place, by a landslide).... Respect is a need for a man, [&a woman also], just as much,if not moreso, than Love, security, & confidence that she ,( & her offspring, if there is any) is a definite & legitimate needfor her.
Hang tough my friend 🙏.... I need to practice what I preach , myself!
"loving them doesn't mean losing you" thank you susan. 💕
This has taught me that when you find someone that really cares about you don't take them for granted.
Appalling!!!
My Blessings to the Client who is Fighting Stage 4 Cancer!!!
"Every Moment is Precious".
I believe in Results for any Aspect in my Life.
Thanks Katherine. This client is really an incredible human being (in every way).
Thank u susan... I am my own priority now that i let that dead weight go, I've been very content the last month did it hurt "yes" , however I'm too old for games and looking for someone with real intentions
I am exactly like you described. Like ohhh I understand and I don’t want to pressure you. It hurts a lot deep down.
I just left my partner of 4 years after spending 8 months of trying to make things work and learn how to handle being a non priority. I’ve been feeling guilty and hurting ever since but this video felt like a fresh breath of air! It’s hard to not feel bad and torture myself out of guilt but this put things in perspective. Odd how a video from someone you don’t even know can be so healing.
I had to listen to this THREE times and will probably listen again because it is so much common sense! Why do we lose our minds when we fall in love? Oy!
"...The grains of sand are very few." Pearls, seriously!!
Actions speak louder than words. Rather than tell your partner that you're thinking about moving on, just start moving on. Do whatever you would normally do if you were going to move on. If you're a little overweight, start a diet. If you need to firm up, start going to the gym. Even if you don't need to firm up start going to the gym. It's a great place to meet people. Start buying hot new clothes. And shoes! Start going out with your friends and meet new people. If your partner calls to ask you out, simply tell them you would love to go out, but this Friday or Saturday or weekend, you're going to be busy. If they ask you what you're going to be doing, simply tell them you're going out with your friends. If they ask you why, simply say, "To have fun."
Your partner knows what it looks like when someone's getting ready to move on. if they don't start paying more attention to you when they see you starting to move on, words won't help. Plus, you will already be well on your way to moving on when you discover whether or not they're going to start paying more attention to you. Unfortunately, we only really start valuing what we think we might truly lose.
Oh. And if they do start paying more attention to you, don't ever stop doing the "moving on" things. Dieting, exercising and going out with friends are all good things, and they keep reminding your partner why they chose you when they thought that they were going to lose you. The only relationship security is being able to get the next one.
I imagine that that the conversation approach has worked fine for Susan, because every man she ever dated knew that she could move on at the drop of a hat. For the rest of us, actions speak louder than words.
Anon amous Excellent advice. Thank you. I believe it is the solution to regain self esteem, strength and show the partner how wrong they are to take us for granted.
Anon amous thank you.
“And the truth shall set you free!”
Thank you, Anon amous. Excellent advice. BTW, I released 40 pounds going to the gym every day and am in the best physical health of my life!
Anon amous great comment!
Love ur comment❤❤❤
Non-priority is not a myth. In fact I am experiencing this right now. From what I have been told, this is a test to see if I will be too needy if the relationship moves to the next step. Although tests are not terrible things, this test is extremely painful and difficult to endure. I am already prepping myself for this relationship to end because I don’t know how long I will be able to be silent. And I know I will say something, then there will be a huge fight, and boom.. it’s over!
Only people manipulating are testing. Don't ever forget that because once you know that, that's the one and they know it too then it's simple, not complicated.
@@Confessions089
I’ve learned that people tend to forget that when they interact with someone online that there is actually a living, breathing, human being on the other side of that screen.
People become insensitive, rude, disrespectful, dismissive, and uncaring about the fact that they could hurt others just out of spite.
People like you lash out with anger irrationally just to ease your own mental pain.
The fact that that I’m aware of what you’re doing allows me to step back, and not take it personally.
I do, however, become concerned about your mental health, and the mental health of those you strike out at.
… not everyone can handle heckling.
Just maybe try to become aware of that.
Thank you so much! I rarely comment on videos like this, but your words are so right…I’m gonna watch this video everyday because I need a reminder that I’m important because for a few months I feel like I’m worth nothing. I hope I will heal
This is speaking to me right now with friendships. Because out of fear of drama and attention seeking, I suffered and settled. End up getting less than what I settled for
Friendships are different though. They have no obligation to make you a priority. Especially as you get older with life’s priorities, such as your own family, relationship commitment and kids, let alone doing well in ur job , etc. friends should ever expect to be a main placeholder in someone’s life.
Unrequited love I’m so fed up with it all!
Thank you Susan 🙏 you're right, you're supposed to feel safe, heard, seen in a relationship, if we feel anxious, sad, clingy, it's not us, it's because the other person is not secure, we don't feel safe, and we don't trust our gut because we love that person, but deep inside we know we're not supposed to feel crippling anxiety but joy and safety. Love yourself enough to ask for your needs and walk away when they are not met.
I wish I knew this 12 years ago before I met the man who taught me all this the hard way. I felt like you listed every mistake I lived through with such clarity. If people find your videos they stand a chance of not wasting as many years in mistakes as I did...
Chooselove 4all Been were you are.. be gentle and kind with your SELF... time is never wasted.. it helped bring awareness. It's an investment.. re write your story.. the end will be amazing.
Thanks, that's such a positive message! Very encouraging... :)
“I hope this helps you” - it helps tremendously
I found this yesterday as I was randomly looking for reassurance that I deserve better in my 10 month relationship, your message is so powerful I got up today and ended it, I deserve much better and I’m worth more than the scraps of affection he throws at me to keep me there, I’m hurting but I 100% know I’ve done the right thing and he is gobsmacked and dug a bigger hole with his initial response which confirmed it completely. Thank you for helping me see my own worth x
Yes, I'd have to agree with the trend in dating. We're expected to be agreeable, flexible, nice, etc. Those qualities are great if we're not doormats. I finally had to say what my needs were. Never heard from him again. I lamented for a month. Met him online. He's still using some 6 year old photo! What was I thinking?! Lol. 😂
Love your vids. I'm always learning. ❤
This seems a lot like my current situation.. I feel like trying to communicate my feelings/issues will make me appear needy.. but the fact that I can’t do that makes it hard to act “normal”
Ma man!! Same situation here
Thank you for giving me permission to recognize that my lack of comfort is not okay!
I really appreciate how you follow your own instincts on how to build relationships. It beats fitting any mold. I’m 40, live in NYC and just left a 3 year dead end, casual relationship that I should’ve left within the first 3 months when I met him. All the information you need to know about someone, is there at the beginning if you pay attention. Your videos help gain a self empowering perspective. They help unscramble confusion. Thx!
Being easy going and putting my partners needs above myself (I'm secure), I became increasingly disappointed with being uncomfortable with the results of being priority #3, her dog and last 6 months of career came before. Trying to justify my uncomfortableness as a temporary feeling that would soon pass, it didn't as more avoidant signs were thrown at me. Later, she wrote an incoherent letter and more later a "Thank you card" for being a wonderful person and making a difference in her life. Literally, I treated her with respect, attention, had fun and I was still thrown out with the trash. Fearful avoidants... never again!
(P.S. Agreed I'm naive about dating but I'm learning the signs of what to avoid to limit a bad partnership.)
Thanks susan.. im so sick of seeming to be greedy of wanting a bit more than being sent breadcrumbs...
I learn a lot from you and get very confident in dating. Like I have this "if you don't have emotional depth then go away" attitude about me now. Thanks Susan, you're the best ❤️
Thank you!! Love your comment.
That is a good way to put it..." Emotional depth"....wish I could find someone with this characteristic....
You are touching a very important issue in today's society.Normal, human emotions are seen as weakness.Narcisists set the rules, and manipulate everything today.
This is great advice if your partner is not too aloof or confusing to invite direct communication. Unfortunately, I am learning that the game some people play has to do with withdrawing communication.
Jonathon Denson So people like that go ghost momentarily until we pull away and move on?
Direct to the point is a must. Yep, we have to be the brave one. If they go ghost (physically or emotionally) or refuse engaging then the action/decision is on you. Choose life.
I am learning that a lot of bad behavior and games have spilled over from the internet chat rooms and online dating. Geesh!
I think your blunt, but caring honesty "shocks" a lot of people into a more truthful reality. FACE THE TRUTH OF THEIR LIFE INSTEAD OF "THE DREAM" IN THEIR HEAD AND "MAKE CHANGES" TO MAKE THEM ONE I. THE SAME, AT LEAST AS "CLOSE" AS REASONABLY POSSIBLE AND REAL!!!
Oh God I so needed this. Been blaming myself for my insecurities when deep inside I know it’s because he is not treating me as a priority.
This is the best speech about relationships, ever!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!
I just discovered your great channel, and still wanted to leave a comment.
This hits the nail on the head! I cannot tell you how much this resonates with me. I constantly feel like I'm in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation with my current partner. If I say something I feel like I'm being needy and impatient. If I keep quiet I feel like I give the impression that I don't care or that I'm a pushover. It drives me nuts! I should feel secure with a sense of purpose and direction and I'm not. Speaking up shouldn't be about constantly second-guessing how I feel and if I am entitled to this feeling of not being a priority. Thank you Susan for this great insight!
Thank you Susan. Your message lives on. I am pouring my heart to a person who ignores my notes. I feel insecurity fears by thinking that this person is a great match, that I won’t find another. I am asking myself why so fearful and I hope to better understand myself through this process of desire, claiming my space and probably moving onward.
Great info, Susan! I'd like to mention that children are far too often used as an excuse to push you away and keep you at a priority 2 or even P10 and if you aren't OK with it, you've got a problem and will "need to just get over it and understand". My opinion is your spouse is the cake, your children are the frosting. Prioritize your relationship. Your SO is supposed to be there when the kids go off to have their own lives.
Great point, KW. Thanks!
Yes indeed! It is that simple. I would say to my x that I’m not insecure as a person, I’m not secure in this relationship. He turned it all around on me. Finally I calmly said it’s over. Never turned back. He wanted closure... I was exhausted trying to explain to him that I deserve to be treated well. He thought that was demanding.. I think it’s common sense. Not here to reinvent the obvious.
Still hurts but glad I did.
I literally asked my mom today “is there something wrong with me for feeling like this? Do I have to just be “okay” with being less of a priority? .... you just answered my question Mam... thanks a lot... ❤️
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’ve just wasted 1,5 years of my life trying to be more understanding and secure with some confused DA guy. I needed to hear that ❤ so happy I found your channel
“Trained to be mute” yup that’s exactly what happened to me. Now I’m learning to speak up and it’s been soooo difficult and terrifying actually. But I keep pushing through that fear so I can retrain myself
This has happened to me previously. The best thing to do is to realise your worth and move on. You’re not in arbitration and trying to convince this person of your value.
Thank you. Simply. Thank you.
I'm in this situation,married for 21yrs,together for 28yrs,my wife as of April 2020 is back and forth with me,and at times literally takes no time to spend together when we have that time,or she isolates herself away upstairs in the bedroom on her days off work(ive been sleeping on the couch) and she works Friday-Sunday and comes home from work,says she's tired,"goodnight" and goes upstairs to bed,im desperately trying to reconnect(we've had soo many years together) but I really don't know what to do.. I dont want to loose my wife,but at the same time she doesn't seem to be even trying,she's still here,but not here if that makes sense.. I dont see much of her and when she is I try to hang out and talk to her only to get "you're hovering".. im not hovering,just hanging out to have a conversation or something,anything.. I don't know what to do
Wow, this video is exactly what I needed. Since a recent break up I've been tearing myself apart inside because I had so many insecurities and felt I made so many mistakes and beating myself up for feeling weak and that it was all my fault. I will be honest, some of it was my fault. Certain things I didn't handle in a very mature manner. Those things I admit to and feel some regret that they happened. But I often felt like I wasn't important to her at all. Some days she would completely ignore me and do whatever she pleased. And if I mentioned it, then I was whining and being needy. All this time I've been feeling so awful about myself for being needy and feeling like I didn't matter and being insecure and lacking confidence and I realize from this video that I felt those ways because she wasnt there for me half the time. Some days she was amazing and so kind and sweet. Other days I may as well have not existed. I thought it was me and my flaws, and I guess some of it was, but not all of it. I didn't feel safe with her because I wasn't safe. I was in. She wasn't. Only when she felt like it. Or so it felt to me. So hot and cold. It ended because she rejected me, stating I was just too insecure and needy for her. Which felt awful. Still does. But it definitely helps to know it wasn't all my fault. I tried and wanted to talk about a lot of things often but she wouldn't sit down at the table with me most of the time. When she did, she took what I said as jabs or me being weak and nothing got resolved.
I definitely made a lot of mistakes. But she made it feel like it was all my fault. I guess to make it easier for her to walk away or feel better about herself, I dunno tbh. But it just hit me watching this video that she was never really in it with me. I was like full time and she showed up a few hours a week when she felt like it. Those few hours a week though were incredible, and that's why I didn't walk away, even though I should have several times.
Thank you so much for this video Susan. Wonderfully comforting in a very tough time.
If TH-cam had a 'love' reaction I would have given that for your video Susan
This was my exact situation in my most recent relationship in which he ended up breaking up with me last week because he couldn't make me a priority. Thank you so much for this video and your inspiring words. I will go into every new relationship remembering this.
Thank you so much, Susan. I asked God to give me some clear guidance about love, and now your videos keep showing up on my feed. I would like to think that this is an answered prayer.
You are so welcome
I love watching your videos. They help me process and understand my feelings at my previous relationship. I now realize that I actually was patient with being not a priority in my fiancé life. I even allowed him to have a time for himself to find his path in life while postponing our marriage plans. Now thinking of it, I was stupid because he wasn’t looking for a time to find himself but to run away from me. He always tell me that being who I am, makes him jealous or angry he’s not as good as I am. What a toxic relationship I was about to walk in.
OMG where have you been all my life? always being told everything is my fault and my behavior and insecurity is a monster while them assholes lied to me, used me and gaslighted me! THANK YOU!!!
You're welcome
I agree. This is so refreshing to hear. My friend always tells me "go with the flow," "dont think about it." I am the type of person who takes a gamble. Even just being heard is difficult as many men I have dated dont want to discuss things
You are 100% right!!! I was muted and I thought I need to be cool in the situation. It was emotional swings for a half year. It was the worse experience ever. I don't want it anymore.
Unfortunately, I didn't see your video at that time. I trusted the person too much and took his critique towards me as something reasonable. It was a gaslighting like "you are too needy, emotional, overthinking and etc.". The worse experience!
Thank you for the video!!! It should see more people!🌷💕
3rd time watching this today. This empowers me. I feel healing each time I listen.
I wish they would just be honest and let the other one go.
j juniper It's called "They want their cake & eat it, too". Very selfish behavior.
Sometimes we have to set ourselves free.
Yep they are being selfish.
This guy let me go... told me things with honesty..
Never again will I allow myself to feel this type of energy in a relationship. The last month before breaking up with my ex, I was anxious, I was feeling low bc he made me feel like I wasn't a priority. If I'm not worthy of your time, don't waste my time. 🖤
I went through everything you're saying in my last relationship. He was distracted, aloof and busy entertaining someone he knew before me......so I took all the signs to heart, he started pulling away and we could never make this discussion happen, he was avoiding it, so I asked myself if I was overreacting and could I try to feel secure through this insecurity and neglect, but it felt like I was deliberately stabbing my heart/head while waiting for him to wake up or make decisions. I just walked away and let him go. To the other woman that wanted him so badly....here, HAVE IT.......Now he is engaged. I'm sure she's the one I was sidelined for, but I don't chase men.....she can have it. Congratulations Ma'am. 😎
This is the best advice I have ever come across on TH-cam!!!
Thanks Murtala!
On a Susan Winter videos binge...Thank you! "Loving them doesn't mean you have to lose yourself"
I've watched a number of vloggers who discuss similar topics but you are, BY FAR, the most articulate, knowledgable and objective one. When you go deep into the details of things, something rings. That has been my perception, thanks for making these videos!
Very helpful thank you. I've just broken off something and you word it better than I could: suffering in silence just so that he does not have to be uncomfortable with his lack of responsibility is just wrong. If he won't come to the table to talk about important things, I shouldn't be with him. Thank you for telling me why I did the right thing. Still suffered for three months in silence. Could have been done a lot quicker.
I had calm and rational convos about my needs for months and still felt unprioritized until one day I blew up at him and broke things off on impulse and regretted it. So even people who don’t hold it in still can end up blowing up. He was progressing but still not making me feel prioritized so I guess the fact I blew up so badly even after talking about things like an adult before is an indication that I really did need to end the relationship.
You are so right susan. You are very calm thats why I like your channel. I am a 26 year old and the dating scene now in my area seems very.. muting as you say. I am ready to tale charge of my life even if it hurts
Thanks Elle.
Its all about self love. And when we program our selves to accept less than, from others and make excuses for them.
Ps your hair is gorgeous! Bella Donna!
Thank you!!
Umm I don't think he meant that kind of self-love, Incubus Rising. The kind he's talking about is not about entitlement. More like working one's tail off to be able to value oneself and have compassion for one's own shortcomings ~ in order to show up with self-worth and be capable of giving love with less concern about what is received in return...more or less unconditional love, as consistently as possible.
When we can give from a full cup & feel abundant love without needing anyone else to validate our actual self-worth, rather than just wanting them to validate our thoughts and feelings on occasion, there is overflow from the cup that doesn't run dry. Receiving that quality of love will tend to open up a partner to give that person with the full cup what they want & need without that "cupholder" having to beg for it.
The first step to self-love is setting boundaries against life's modern pressures to bleed oneself dry, by nurturing ourselves physically & emotionally without apology. "Securing our own oxygen masks first," if you will...because at the end of the day, we can't do much for anyone else if we have no reserves from which to keep on giving.
I learned that from spending 15 years running myself into the ground until I could no longer maintain a normal degree of daily adult life activities (practically catatonic for months at the outset)...2.5 years into recovery & I've made progress but have a long way to go. I still struggle with allowing myself even basic necessities (like food, rest & recreation, etc.) sometimes, but I'm learning to consistently treat myself with love & not neglect myself.
Today's self-love is about saying "enough is enough" to pressures when they consistently require more than we can sustainably give, & fighting our way into a lifestyle that feels more worth living, at whatever level we can create. Even small things can be a profound start, letting us work with guilt, shame, feelings of unworthiness until we know we deserve to have some degree of quality, joy, and influence over our lives.
It's being able to say and actually believe "I am enough, as I am," even if only once...it's a profound experience that fortifies a person. We can add "AND I could use some improvement" to allow for healthy growth in life without feeling like we're being fake or coming from a place of shaming ourselves when setting growth in motion.
Wow! This is exactly what I needed to hear today-exactly what I'm going through. Trying to force myself to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation :( Miserable
I really appreciate this video. You are not shaming anyone - you are building them up. Thank you so much.
I am being told that the problem is I do not understand him. I do not see him answering my questions. He just says let me repeat this again. You do not understand me. He says it will take time for me to understand him and until then i am in a struggle mentality. This does not make sense to me. I can see some of it. However, I think I should be getting feedback and engagement back.
She's a genius i swear
The guy I was with told me I was to demanding. It was so hard to take from him since I was doing this, being so patient w him, and letting him make me a non priority. I was so damn ni e to him and that's what I got.
It really gets you nowhere to let someone get away with your emotions.
I love the way you lay it all down Susan. 💛
Thank you for sharing, Amy!
Me not
following this is why my marriage fell apart. I didn't not communicate nor set boundaries. Therefore, I was not a priority for YEARS and suffered in silence. As hard as it is to go through, I'm relieved that it's over and I can now focus on rediscovering myself and learn from the experience.
I did find myself doing all the work. Thankfully, that is over. I spent all this time trying to find out what was wrong with me...
"Loving the person doesn't mean losing you". ,👏😼
Thank you...Thank you💔
It broke my heart but I walked...I became less and less a priority. I told him I am going to retreat.
So glad I’m not married anymore.What you stated in this video described my marriage with my ex wife.I went with my gut instinct and filed for divorce.Ive been single for the past ten months and enjoy my freedom and self gains.
“In a relationship, YOU are there.” Love this and the analogy of investment. If somebody isn’t investing in us or is investing themselves with somebody else through time, energy, effort, or money and we owe just as much right to ourselves to make some changes in our life as we give our partner to do so.
I’m recently back online using a dating app. And the interaction for certain individuals were uncomfortable. So, I got comfortable with saying next and blocking people who demonstrated that they are uncivil, over sexualized, aggressive etc. Previously, I wouldn’t block and tried to ignore, but noticed it was affecting my mental energy. It’s much easier now, only talking to a few potentials at a time, and having the non serious folks out of the picture. Why did I not do this before? I think I felt an obligation not to dismiss anyone. Now, I don’t dismiss myself and trust my gut.
All I can say is- thank you, thank you, thank you for this great commentary! This message was conveyed in such clarity!!! Everything makes sense now and I should have walked a long time ago. When you have a partner that wants to be in your life, they will make it readily known through their communication. When everything is crumbling around you and they keep their distance and don't engage it means they just don't give a damn. It's best to just walk away with your head held high and don't get sucked into their narcissism. Lord knows I could have used this video years ago!!! Thank you for this marvelous content Susan!!! 👍
This video was so amazing. Great info! I’ve been dealing with a man who doesn’t want to communicate and shuts down whenever we need to talk about our issues. I’ve given up. I can’t continue to be with someone that’s not giving any reciprocity.
Hi Susan! I'm Colinda from Montréal. I want to compliment you on the great advice you share. It's truely a breath of fresh air. Thank you xx
This video is great. I got tired of my ex putting his BM (baby momma's) feelings over mine in our relationship. I put up with it for 2 years. Got told that my feelings were wrong, that I was being immature, etc., because of how I felt. The relationship left me drained. I finally left 2 weeks ago and feel so much better!
Omg thank you! Finally someone telling it straight. I am sick and tired every one to blame me that I am too impatient when I can clearly see that tricks and games are played on me. And how I should wait until the right moment for him to find time to call me and then to tell him. I am not fine when somebody tries to fool me.
thanks for your videos I'm suffering from one sided love and you saved me from the pain that i cause to my self. thank you so mutch
One of the best videos on relationships I ever saw!!
What a powerful message!!
Glad I've found your channel!
I needed to hear this today. It's time to speak my truth. No more playing nice girl!
Most amazing, helpful, most brilliant thing I have heard and needed to hear. Earth Angel. Thankyou ❤️
Freakin awesome message!!!! When did we loose just having calm adult conversations? !!!
You are such a wonderful dating coach! Your nuggets of advice are so valuable that I tend to learn a lot from your videos! Thank you for what you're doing for us! God bless you!
Thanks TG
I saw a TH-cam video about being The Cool Girl. You are The Cool Girl if you tolerate anything. The girl that agrees to situations and treatment that really they dislike but just want to be cooperative. The girl that lets a guy live the single life but giving him the benefits of a monogamous relationship
So cool girl = loser
@@user-ji8ll1qn6o 100%. The Cool Girl is a hot girl that tolerates any behavior from a guy
Cool girl is code for doormat.
This helped me so much. I'm 78 and my grains of sand are indeed running out. I recently started seeing my ex hubby. We divorced 33 years ago. It was so good for about 3 months and now i can feel that shift you speak about. Guess i have to take the bull by the horns and have "the talk".
Thank you, Susan. Your words are gold. You are such a mother figure to me, you wisdom just blows my mind and you have an answer to my every question. I wish I could find your channel much earlier before I made all the typical mistakes with that toxic person.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I just realised how stupid I was in my previous relationship absolutely blinded by my partner, where I was exactly "trying to feel secure in an insecure situation" and oh god what a stressful relationship it was. Trying not to overcrowd him with my reactions while he didn't care and just kept feeding me with the reasons to stay insecure about this whole relationship thing. I definitely gave him the power in the relationship when I was trying to act nonchalant when actually I was forcing myself act secure and chill.
"Trained to be mute" - so well said...The thing is to learn to stand for what you want and not loose yourself and your personality (which might be the reason why the fell for us in the first place) while actually trying to make this relationship comfortable for the partner. I felt like I almost lost myself in that relationship the further it went...Thank you, Susan, again, you an amazing woman!
Some great advice, she tells it like it is without being biased or brash.