Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Your offerings influenced me to choose the austere basecamp below the looming summit of Mt. Awareness over the doomed shelter of faux luxury in the hotel room of obscenely overpriced bottles of tap water adorned with a seductive name and slick design. You are masterful in knowing how to effectively and compassionately kick someone's ass who is a wrecked heap of heartache and pile of decimated self esteem. Thanks, man. Sincerely.
I have learned much fr9m this video but have something to add. I believe in "True" "Transcendent " love. It is transcendence to " Normal" love Find you soulmate by mating with with your own soul.
When you meet someone who has the same childhood pain as you, they can feel like a soulmate as they get you in a way that someone without those experiences can. However, it's how the two of you then interact which determines whether or not it is a healthy or toxic relationship. If the two of you are self-aware, self-reflective and take responsibility for your personal development then I believe the bond could be special and unique in a lot of ways. However, there is also the risk that old patterns of relating are practised and accepted which reinforces the old reality distortions.
A very insightful comment..... It makes me ask hard questions a very insightful comment…...a very insightful comment…...a very insightful comment…...a very insightful comment……
It can also make for a very tragic breakup. You need only look up the toxic bond between borderlines and codependents, or trama bonding. Very intense, very special, and very painful. Ultimately, very over.
Thanks this speaks so much to me! When we meet people with a broken history like we did, our heart gets soften and we feel like they are the true love with the same emotional depth towards love and life as well.
I've been in the reality distorted kind of love, and then a very ordinary love came along and I questioned the hell out of it and at the same time grieving the loss of a profound soulmate love, which came after a twin flame love. So after all that blah, what I have now is so ordinary. After lamenting the pains of losing the extraordinary love, I've come to realize this normalcy is the true love. Its grounded, real, direct, vulnerable, intimate in its rawness, and ordinary. This video confirms this for me, that I'm on the right track and healing. Thank you very much!
Thank you! This describes my own path of experiences very accurately. It is heartening to know that others, as sovereign individuals, are able to grow and develop through the pain of shedding the confining skin of conditional magic. The discovery of the well of self reflection and self love took time to adjust my taste to, to be able to appreciate it's nourishing properties. After such prolonged, shared dependencies on the constant imbibement of elixir, I have developed an appreciation and preference for cool, clear water. The magic resides in the ordinary moments when the capabilities of reciprocity exists between two people who know the value of, and are capable of maintaining a genuine appreciation for one another. This quiet experience of security which can survive respectful conflict has become more "magical" to me than the identity dependent on the grandeur of an enchanted story that eventually depletes itself of nutrients. Congratulations! You made it back home from Oz! I wish you continued fulfillment and all of the deliciousness that comes from the security of being able to appreciate the accessable magic within the ordinary.
I adore your straight up, no BS style. I completely agree with the whole premise of this video, soulmates, twin flames, true love - what's wrong with a normal, healthy, ordinary love? It's almost like setting yourself up for failure.
Hannah Crabbee because some people experience that in life, some don’t. Doesn’t mean we all need to not experience the full potential of love out of fear.
Alan, I was raised by a schizophrenic mom and narc dad. Talk about attachment traumas 🙄 if they didn’t/ couldn’t love me, who could? The knight in shining armor was a fantasy I held onto my entire life. I waited 48 years for him, til I met my ex psychopath. There he was. He had finally shown up. I spent 5 years with this monster and one day I connected the dots to narcissism. I’m 17 months free now and thank God I found your channel. I relate to your material very much. Thank you for putting these vids out here💕
Oh my gosh this happened to me! I was stuck on someone that quite obviously didn't want to be with me for almost a whole year thinking he was a twin flame. I have always been more of a dreamer than a realist so this fantasy worked so well on me and I basically just couldn't handle the pain and rejection I was feeling that he just didn't feel the same all of a sudden. It was an easy story to relate to because we were so good together and then bam he decided not. Obviously I didn't go around telling anybody so maybe if I did someone would have told me to be more real with myself. I hope others who read this and watch this vodeo can see through the fantasy and process their pain sooner than I did instead of holding onto false hope and closing off to other opportunities and people ❤️
I've experienced the Twin Flame phenomenon, but the Twin Flame concept is very dangerous because you can get very attached to the person you believe to be your Twin Flame, your true divine love... In the end it is all an illusion and I'm glad I'm over that Twin Flame trip... There is no such thing as a half of your soul in another human being... I have no idea who came up with that idea...
You have obviously been through this in your family of origin. A therapist that has not just cannot understand all of this let alone articulate it so well. I love your clearly put fully covered videos.
As the "black sheep" who never drank the family KoolAid ("Mommy, the emperor is naked!") I have always been the sensible, grounded, pragmatic partner. Seems to be a turnoff for a lot of guys who lose themselves in the honeymoon phase and know nothing about the hard work it takes to build a solid foundation for a healthy LTR. I do think this sort of attachment distortion goes hand in hand with escapist tendencies. Some people would rather ignore/distort reality than accept it. That just means they are not compatible with me. I have had enough "excitement" thrust upon me already, I do not desire it in any future relationships. Respect, integrity, empathy, consistency, reciprocation, time, and effort. Those are the things I would want in a potential partner.
Charity Burnett - Agreed!! I'm a Psychotherapist and clinical Hypnotherapist and I am fascinated by Alan's ability to explain this so well . No wonder he's an expert in this field. Thanks Alan!!!
Thank you for this video. I am just begining the process of observing my dysfunction in relationships and realizing my coping mechanisms. I have always fallen for people that also have similar attachment wounds, I have always ignored red flags, I have always fantasized about finding the absolute perfect spiritually evolved partner (influenced greatly by the soulmate/twin flame notion) and I have always been completely heartbroken and disappointed when the realization hit that the person I thought was "the one" is not who I fantasized them to be. I have rejected ordinary love, friendships and life experiences so greatly... simply because it did not meet my grandiose expectation. Dope.
Real love is simply unconditional love and can be experienced in any type of relationship. It means having empathy and compassion, respect, not being codependent, loving oneself wholly, being able to be your true authentic self, and knowing when to walk away when another person is not honoring you as a human being. That kind of dynamic demonstrates unconditional love and it can transcend most of life's inevitable challenges.
Thank you Alan! I feel like finding you on TH-cam is just the beginning of my healing journey. I'm so glad I stumbled across your channel. It's humbling and slightly humiliating to hear the Truth of how dysfunctional my relating to intimacy has been! Sometimes the Truth hurts but keeping up the fantasy hurts much more in the long run. Blessings to you🙏
I feel the same way. I have been looking for some grounded advice. It is not easy to do all these techniques people talk about as counselors when they have not experienced what they are trying to help you with. I am all about tools and what I can do instead of what I can't do or just hearing what something means. I have never thought about having an "Ordinary Love" and no wonder I never thought about it, because it's a goal I did not think was acceptable. I think the main point to focus on with ordinary love is the fact that the grips of extraordinary love are so strong they cause an enormous amount of distress in the relationship and you actually get the exact opposite of what you want.
Thanks for calling out the current BS around spiritualized relationships. I agree and am so glad to hear you state that this kind of thinking is dangerous.
at 35, i finally don't even want a relationship. after dealing with all of my abuse and not having a single "normal" let alone satisfying relationship that i wanted, i decided i don't want one. I just want to live alone and live a life that is not unhealthy mentally emotionally... etc.
Alan is the most authentic person I have "met" in my long life. I've always cringed at the word Soulmate...it just sounds so very contrived. ..a bit like the adult version of a child's Christmas. Alan is Brilliant.
I absolutely agree with you about being cautious in the belief about a transcendent, blessed, magical, soul mate love. Not only does this leave you wide open to disordered individuals who swoop in and create the perfect Prince Charming illusion, but if you don't meet your own magnificent "Twin Flame" it also feels like you've been abandoned by both people and God, since your dreams don't come true the way you've always believed that they would. I know this because I've lived it. I do really want the real deal, the earthy, ordinary love. But I'm learning to live happily on my own first.
In fairness, I suspect many of us with abusive childhoods felt abandoned by God long before any romantic relationships ever came along. I know that I’ve never understood what terrible thing my 13 year old self could ever possibly have done to so earn God’s hate, but hate he certainly piled upon me as that was pretty much all that I was ever exposed to throughout adolescence. Then you discover as a young adult that as an empath the only partners you will ever attract are always going to further abuse you and that the only way to escape further abuse, after a particularly violent partner comes along, is to completely abandon relationships altogether even though you may desperately desire that connection with another. It makes for an incredibly lonely and empty adult life decades later, but I’m not sure some of us were meant to ever know the love of another without abuse - honestly I can’t even say that I have ever truly felt worthy of another’s love as I know how flawed a person I am, but especially given the degree to which that same abuse also destroyed my physical and mental health leaving me forever disabled and living with severe chronic pain and just those medical issues are painful for many to know about, much less live with. But at least this way there is no risk that my past or health issues (mental or physical) will ever hurt others as hurting anyone has always been my greatest fear after so many have hurt me over the years. I think some of us were put here to love all but never to know love for ourselves, but at least we hopefully leave this world a bit better off than when we came into it by helping others along the way.
Alan, I appreciate how you explained this type of distorted thinking grows out of a desire to heal attachment trauma. It has helped me realise how my unconscious belief system of looking for “the one” has kept me trapped in denial. Thank you so much for all the fantastic videos. I really like your style of delivery. I will share with others and let them know what a great resource your videos are for healing. Thank you Px
I appreciate the kind words. Glad you like this one. If you like the videos you may also be interested in taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I can't wait till more people begin to wake up to ordinary love!! Soul mates, twin flames, ect are often pushed by narcissistic spiritual professionals and narcissistic partners to their victims. They couldn't even function without this idealism. I didn't grow up with love so I thought I couldn't possibly find that bliss anywhere else despite the abuse... Your so right, its dangerous and adds to the pain.
Bjørk - All Is Full Of Love You'll be given love You'll be taken care of You'll be given love You have to trust it Maybe not from the sources You have poured yours Maybe not from the directions You are staring at Twist your head around It's all around you All is full of love
Wow this found me at exactly the right time. Been running around in circles in relationships with the love/soulmate/spiritual relationship language. So profound. Thank you. Thank you.
WOW!!! Listening to this post was the first time I could put some of the pieces together of my own reality distortion surrounding love. I feel so blessed to have stumbled across your post. It was very enlightening to me. Thank you! 💜
It was about time someone addressed this. Too many hurt people are fooling themselves and thus not go into healing because they have found, lost and still hope for their soulmates, true love and twin flames. Thank you, so much, Alan!
Yana, thank you for the supportive words. These romantic narratives are so layered. It makes sense that it can be hard to see or understand. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the videos are helpful.
I was such a romantic fool... Lived my own fantasy world (10.00 )Now I have to live with the consequence 🙄... But now I wake up. Thank you from the bottom of mine now down to earth heart!!!
Henriette, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Divine unions/soulmates, are simply 2 people who love themselves wholly and are healthy in mind body and spirit so when they come together, they are 2 separate souls enjoying each others company as partners on this journey of life. In my opinion based on life experience.
So true Alan, Every relationship has started with I am your prince charming, your soul mate, I never met anyone like you, I have been looking for you all my life. So now....finally...thanks to all of your great videos and priceless insight I can see clearly now. I don't believe this crap anymore is my line now....;) Thank you Alan, I am trying to get through all your videos. Thank you Thank you.
I have never been a fan of any kind of “psychology” as I live a lot of my life in spiritual principles but your videos have been very helpful to me. This teaching on soulmates and twin flames was very interesting and eye opening. Especially twin flames.
I sought a savior, someone who solved childhood emptiness without my having to ask. I found someone complimentarily damaged, and ruined my stable but detached marriage for him. Then he flaked out. And I was too addicted to the feelings to let go. By then, my spouse repulsed me. The fragile attachment I had to him broke like spiders web compared to the intoxicating grip of my affair. Seems going through it was the only way to see how damaged I was. It was completely out of character. I had repressed my wants and needs for years
As much as I don't want to admit it, you are right. I do believe in soul mates and twin flames but right now i am focused on getting my mental health together. I'm tired of all the abuse and BS in life
Twin flame relationships are rare and I do know of many put up with abuse thinking it’s ok because it’s their twin. How ever a twin flame journey is a spiritual journey not a love relationship, it’s spiritual first and I think that’s we’re the problem is. Lastly is you have not experienced this first hand , then it’s difficult to relate to. But I do see how it can hurt someone who is viewing relating in a distorted way.
@Veronica Barrera I agree! People have these misconceptions and they romanticize a Twin Flame connection. I never believed in soul mates and yet a few years ago I met a person who you can refer to as Twin Flame. He is the one who unconsciously helped me to start my healing journey, through him I've been experiencing so much soul growth. It's a painful path bc for the first time I had to face the dysfunction in my family, attachment trauma, codependency, fears and so much more. Through him I learnt what "unconditional love" is. People who haven't experienced such a connection won't understand it. Everyone who is desperately looking for a partner will eventually end up in toxic relationships because they become attached to the idea of soul mate etc.
I've always been obsessed with soul mates...and then i met my ex she was everything i ever wanted in a partner...she left me for another guy after 5 years of telling me how perfect for her i was... Now its been 4 years since the breakup and i can't find anyone with whom i have as much in common and it's killing me slowly...
I know it's been a while.I hope your heart is healing. I was in a similar situation. I haven't been in another relationship since and it's been many lonely years. I hope you have friends or positive support in your life to help get you through.
@@UranijaZeus yes and kept him around until someone better came along. It’s hard to move on if someone doesn’t want to accept the hard truths or real possibilities of the outcomes, being present helps heal
All of your videos speak to exactly what's going on in my head, what has gone on in my past relationships, and the family dynamic that I grew up with in a way that no way has ever pinpointed with such accuracy. They have been such a great help to me. Thank you!
I already had this idea that idealized romantic love is a kind of narcissism but never found anything on the net discussing this concept. So glad I finally did. Thank you so much. For so long I felt quite alone with this idea.
We get so much suffering and pain because we are holding on to the story and the potential of the relationship… Alan i appreciate you being so humble and empathetic with your sense of humour when you deliver your message..✨
Grieving the loss of potential is painful. Glad to hear you connected with this video. Thank you for letting me know it was helpful for you. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
There is only one spirit which permeates everything living and non-living. We are each just a drop out of it and will soon be reabsorbed back into it. We all belong to each other.
Exactly what I needed to hear as I slowly open to finding a healthy relationship. An ordinary relationship would be thrilling! My question - are there many men who can do emotional resonance & attunement? I have worked so hard to heal & wonder if there are men who have also done healing who can have an ordinary relationship. I sure hope so. Thank you again Alan. I am giving your you tube links to others who are interested. The best resource I've found!!
There would be definitely many men that like me are working on healing and hopefully have healthier relationships. Ordinary relationship is the reality as it is, the holywood stuff definitely didnt help many people to achieve the healthy relationships we deserve.
Annie O I am one of those men. I was wondering the same about women 😉. I think I know they’re out there, but my understanding is not many people do this type of challenging, yet rewarding, insight.
Matthew Freye I’m here! I was wondering if there are men who are really working on that stuff. I thought there wouldn’t. For some reason I feel like men’s job is harder because of the conditioning they receive When growing up.
When you heal yourself, you see through all the BS and realize it was attachment. The love was limerince, a newer term I have heard as the feeling we think is love that is just major infatuation and seeking to have your needs met by someone who can't. Anything hyper is about something else, I think in the same way anger is the tip of the iceburg on a myriad of other issues. Thank you for the balanced, reallity check message.
Good insight. Glad this video offered some grounding. We can never have enough conversations about unpacking the romantic narratives. Thanks for commenting. Also, I'm wondering if you've heard about the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Based on your comment you may be interested in it.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma No I have note heard about the source, I am new to your channel so still learning about your content. I have heard of attachment theory, but still learning about it all. I will check it out thank you!
My ex is a big believer in the “Law of Attraction“, which ties in, perfectly, to these notions of a “soulmate” and your “true love“. To my detriment, I always told her I didn’t believe in it, and that it was magical thinking. It was a very divisive issue for us, but so silly, in reality. I see now how this belief caused her to always question the validity of our relationship, every time we would encounter an issue, no matter how small. It caused her to always scan the horizon for the “perfect divine partner”. Even after we were engaged, and had a baby, I still found various notes and notebooks, where she would write down lists of numerous traits that she wants in her “perfect divine partner”, from the universe. Of course, I called her out on it, and she back-pedaled in a frenzy. This is what these fantastical beliefs will cause one to do. To always question whether or not you’re in the right relationship, or if this is the ultimate person for you. “How will you know”?
Thanks for this message. I spent 20 years in a very unhealthy narcissistic relationship. After my divorce I’ve had nothing but failed relationships. My last was particularly hurtful. I really wanted it to work and ignored all the unhealthy things going on. This message totally makes sense.
" I just don't believe this crap anymore." Oh, come on, Alan, tell us how you really feel! haha! Thank you for your videos, they are supremely helpful. To be grounded in the ordinary is great advice to bring order out of chaos. I find it very interesting that my particular experiences have honed my fine artistic skills, however, it's easy to see how conflicting this "talent" can become when we romanticize adult relationships. Learning to be ordinary is truly a spiritual tonic.
The Twin Flame concept says that Twin Flames are one soul in two bodies... I'm over that... There is just one soul in reality... Call it 'God', call it 'source', call it whatever you want...
I dont know who you are or where you from, but where have you been all my life?? lol You have some amazing videos. I just subscribed. Keep up the great work. Very informative stuff.
Whoah Mr. Robage. This video, mixed with your other video "Obsessing over an ex-partner Trauma Mind" really, really, really help me today. Thank-you so much. Best videos on TH-cam as a set about the Twin Flame experience, hands down! I highly recommend these two videos together for people who thought they were a "Twin Flame" couple, especially for when it becomes toxic and dysfunctional, or to help prevent those conditions. You have helped me a lot to recognize what is happening in my psyche to help me overcome obsessing over him, after I have let him out of my life, and taught me how to begin healing myself. I can now reject the Twin Flame dogma, and approach it with transpersonal psychology instead, without falling into that level of learned helplessness Twin Flame coaches teach, claiming you can never untie from them. They claim that the obsessing is one of the many signs of the Twin Flame experience,. I let all that go today. I cannot thank-you enough. Best two videos on TH-cam about this topic, in my view. Thanks again.
I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear the videos helped decode some of these romantic narratives. It's so important we're talking about this and bringing it to light. Thanks for letting me know the videos are clarifying and thanks for valuing my work. Also, I want to share, and you may already be aware of it, that you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is a topic we explore in depth in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
I listened to this video so many times, it answered so many questions .vAll the psychologist s didn't answer these questions and charge you an offensive amount of money. thank you Alan R.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your work has provided me with such a healthier thought process. It brings new life when you have been suffering too long.
Thank you for the comment and for valuing my efforts to spread the word about healthy, secure relating. I’m glad this video resonates. If the information here is of benefit to you, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. It's a way to support the work, ensure future video offerings, and also invest in your self-directed healing work. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. The ideas on this video are the types of ideas we discuss in the community. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video was life changing for me! I have been searching for this without evening know what I was looking for until know. Thank you! Explains so much!
This was another very helpful video to me, Alan ~ actually maybe the most helpful in that it helped me identify some of my issues. I think that I'm a wonderful reality-distorter when it comes to my family and personal relationships. I'm beginning to see a different way of looking at my issues ~ one that will finally be helpful instead of reinforcing them. Thank you, most sincerely.
30:30 oh my goodness you make me LOL at myself. It might exist, it might not, bottom line is that if you’re spending your time focused on a toxic situation that hurts you, it’s going to ruin your life.
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you x 1000 for This Mr. Robarge !! So good and common sense informations. Every listen with some time in between makes me say yes in affirmation on a point I didn't get or wasn't ready to understand. There is so much information out there about chakras, and twin flames, and unicorns with no clue about what is said or with any academic information or experience. Thank you 🙏
This anxious attatchment soul mate syndrome happened to me. A continuous loop of fixating on what turned out to be very some very unhealthy relationships and encounters. Now I know I hope its not too late to heal and grow
Thank you for valuing my material Sian. I’m glad this one resonates with you. It's never too late. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, you have just explained my entire life experience. I can finally understand why I stayed in a toxic relationship for forty years. Everything you describe, especially reality distortion, is so spot on. Thankyou Alan, from the bottom of my heart.
Nice to hear you deeply connect with this content. It's so important that we keep talking about reality distortion. Thanks for your feedback and for valuing my work. Since you resonate with this content, and you may already be aware of it, then you may also be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This comes up in community conversations.
This is two of my relationships growing up. I was in love with the last guy in 2006 that I gave large amounts of my self (my energy) and my love to and he went on to marry a rich girl that ruined his life. I thought for sure he was the one. I felt so bad at first for losing him but I moved away without saying goodbye because it was the best thing for me. When I would try to give him up and forget him living in the same town he would drive by all hours of the day and night and would purposely be wherever I was so I had to see him but he would never make time for me so we could talk like normal human beings. I promised myself I would never feel like that again in love.
Such a good one Alan. I was also thinking that the soulmate designation places far too high of expectations on both people in the relationship and only sets us up for catastrophic disappointment if they fail us which they inevitably will at some point in the future.
Thank you for these explanations! I am at a point where romantic movies fall short in comparison to my love history. But although I have lived so many nuances of romantic love, I have not yet experienced stable connection. It was also very useful to hear that in order to heal, we look for an experience that is opposite to what we know. This explains a lot some of my choices, and it helps me connect to myself.
Wow! I was amazed at how accurately this described who I am. Great job at circling around and hitting the main points several times. I needed to hear some of those things over and over to really get it to sink into my thoughts.
Another form of reality distortion is private mental fantasizing (like being a princess abused and locked in a castle tower being rescued by a prince) which was a tremendously powerful pull for my psyche as a child and young adult. This particular expression of distortion still occurs when stress is highly triggered in relationships.
These are important things for everyone to know, and it's great that you are so engaged with this content. I know I responded to your other comment, but I wanted to provide you with another resource of mine - my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course, I discuss the various ways that we respond to distress in relationships based on attachment injuries and traumas. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Funnily enough, the film Friends with Money shows Jennifer Aniston finding someone at the end of the film and she begins an 'ordinary' love relationship. Yes, he has lots of money, but their relationship is ordinary and she finds peace and friendship with him.
You are so right Alan My soul mate was so charming and always fun, charming, sweet and took almost everything I owned. Some people's job is to make you their job. Right on man. No more Cinderella crap. It doesn't exist. 18 years of it. Thank you and hopefully you'll save someone from this fantasy world which leads nowhere.
I don't believe in all that stuff ..I left home to get away from my mother.. And when I married my husband I projected all my mother hate onto him He was emotional unavailable..not a surprise..was set up for that ... Not his fault my fault or my mother's.. I've growen to the extent that I don't blame anyone I now love myself as iam responsible for my own happiness..
Thank you for this video… my marriage broke down four years ago… and ever since I’ve been looking for my soulmate/twin flame… and it has led to a lot of hurt and pain… now almost four years later I can see I was living in fantasy, running away from my problems and carrying attachment trauma with me every where I went. My husband (separated not divorced)and I are reconnecting and talking about what went wrong and the unhealthy patterns that we were both stuck in… not sure if we will reconcile yet… but we are on the same page with the kids and moving forward as co-parents… we are developing the language and skills now, that we can now talk about our issues… and not just shut down or run away…. Whether we end up together again or not is secondary, at the moment to us being kinder to each other, relating to each other better and being better parents to our kids, who have obviously been through a lot.
I love your stuff Alan. It amazing how many times i hear people say "God send" and months... years later that God sent person is described as the devil incarnate. I have two ex "meants" to be. Lol.
A soulmate is a person who subconsciously enlightens another person in being a better self. A soulmate inspires security, loyalty, addaptivity in another and that person delights on seeing you being better,open and vulnerable to self and others. This soulmate also has a healthy foundation, better than yours( if you struggle with attachments), and is patient until you believe it too because they don't feel threatened by your shortcomings( given they don't physically hurt others). They don't get rattled by your insecurities. They are a guide and a couch unintentionally, just being them and never point fingers to belittle you or blame your past. What they get back is the best of you. I can get addicted to such a person and is not a fairy tale. It doesn't take an extraordinary human being, but one person who accepts you for who you are and you admire also. You admire them and they can open up to you unguarded because you truly welcome their feedback in your life. It's very rewarding to that person and truly appreciate the influence they have on you. I will definitely love being someone's soulmate, because I make them feel admired for who they are to me.
i love u!!! and absolutely agree. it's so disappointing because i meet so many men that are lost in this fantastical thinking and there is just no reality, can't date them. its so disappointing. there is a cliche out there that fantastical thinking is more prevalent in men but thats siply not true.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge about relationships. It's ground breaking for me to listen to our videos and try to make these changes happen irl. Hipse from Denmark
Your videos have been so enlightening and fascinating. I'm impoverished and can't afford therapy and you've given me such insight not only into fostering a better relationship ,but also understanding my own defaults that fuel depressive/anxious episodes. I honestly can't thank you enough.
Glad to hear this content is helpful for you. Thanks for letting me know you tapped into some insight around default patterns. Appreciate the comment. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
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Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Your offerings influenced me to choose the austere basecamp below the looming summit of Mt. Awareness over the doomed shelter of faux luxury in the hotel room of obscenely overpriced bottles of tap water adorned with a seductive name and slick design.
You are masterful in knowing how to effectively and compassionately kick someone's ass who is a wrecked heap of heartache and pile of decimated self esteem. Thanks, man. Sincerely.
I have learned much fr9m this video but have something to add.
I believe in "True" "Transcendent " love.
It is transcendence to " Normal" love
Find you soulmate by mating with with your own soul.
"Stop looking for your soulmate. Start looking for your soul, mate!"
😂😂😂😂😂😂Your spot on girl.!!!!
Aye!
Great !
Most underrated comment of the century. 💯💯👏🏼👏🏼👍🏼👊🏼
I love this
When you meet someone who has the same childhood pain as you, they can feel like a soulmate as they get you in a way that someone without those experiences can. However, it's how the two of you then interact which determines whether or not it is a healthy or toxic relationship. If the two of you are self-aware, self-reflective and take responsibility for your personal development then I believe the bond could be special and unique in a lot of ways. However, there is also the risk that old patterns of relating are practised and accepted which reinforces the old reality distortions.
A very insightful comment..... It makes me ask hard questions
a very insightful
comment…...a very insightful comment…...a very insightful comment…...a very
insightful comment……
Beautiful comment. Thanks
It can also make for a very tragic breakup. You need only look up the toxic bond between borderlines and codependents, or trama bonding. Very intense, very special, and very painful. Ultimately, very over.
This is spot on
Thanks this speaks so much to me! When we meet people with a broken history like we did, our heart gets soften and we feel like they are the true love with the same emotional depth towards love and life as well.
I've been in the reality distorted kind of love, and then a very ordinary love came along and I questioned the hell out of it and at the same time grieving the loss of a profound soulmate love, which came after a twin flame love. So after all that blah, what I have now is so ordinary. After lamenting the pains of losing the extraordinary love, I've come to realize this normalcy is the true love. Its grounded, real, direct, vulnerable, intimate in its rawness, and ordinary. This video confirms this for me, that I'm on the right track and healing. Thank you very much!
Thank you! This describes my own path of experiences very accurately. It is heartening to know that others, as sovereign individuals, are able to grow and develop through the pain of shedding the confining skin of conditional magic.
The discovery of the well of self reflection and self love took time to adjust my taste to, to be able to appreciate it's nourishing properties.
After such prolonged, shared dependencies on the constant imbibement of elixir, I have developed an appreciation and preference for cool, clear water.
The magic resides in the ordinary moments when the capabilities of reciprocity exists between two people who know the value of, and are capable of maintaining a genuine appreciation for one another.
This quiet experience of security which can survive respectful conflict has become more "magical" to me than the identity dependent on the grandeur of an enchanted story that eventually depletes itself of nutrients.
Congratulations! You made it back home from Oz!
I wish you continued fulfillment and all of the deliciousness that comes from the security of being able to appreciate the accessable magic within the ordinary.
What does your "ordinary love" not have compared to a "soulmate kind of love"? Is the connection not so deep? could you elaborate please?
I was more likely to question the other than realizing it was my own stuff! Now I’m happy in my present relationship. True love? I think it might be.
Love it. There are no soul mates. You can love anyone intimately if you have a secure attachment. Your insecurities make you need a soul mate.
I adore your straight up, no BS style. I completely agree with the whole premise of this video, soulmates, twin flames, true love - what's wrong with a normal, healthy, ordinary love? It's almost like setting yourself up for failure.
Hannah Crabbee because some people experience that in life, some don’t. Doesn’t mean we all need to not experience the full potential of love out of fear.
@@MTortillaKitt potential is a dangerous words, especially for us codependent inclined
Alan, I was raised by a schizophrenic mom and narc dad. Talk about attachment traumas 🙄 if they didn’t/ couldn’t love me, who could? The knight in shining armor was a fantasy I held onto my entire life. I waited 48 years for him, til I met my ex psychopath. There he was. He had finally shown up. I spent 5 years with this monster and one day I connected the dots to narcissism. I’m 17 months free now and thank God I found your channel. I relate to your material very much. Thank you for putting these vids out here💕
Sounds so similar to my story it's painful and I can not fall in love, because of abandoment issues..
Oh my gosh this happened to me! I was stuck on someone that quite obviously didn't want to be with me for almost a whole year thinking he was a twin flame. I have always been more of a dreamer than a realist so this fantasy worked so well on me and I basically just couldn't handle the pain and rejection I was feeling that he just didn't feel the same all of a sudden. It was an easy story to relate to because we were so good together and then bam he decided not. Obviously I didn't go around telling anybody so maybe if I did someone would have told me to be more real with myself. I hope others who read this and watch this vodeo can see through the fantasy and process their pain sooner than I did instead of holding onto false hope and closing off to other opportunities and people ❤️
Girl. Same. One year, thought he was Twin. Experienced the symptoms & all that crazy stuff. But he ain’t mines. So now I feel brainwashed!
Same here.
I've experienced the Twin Flame phenomenon, but the Twin Flame concept is very dangerous because you can get very attached to the person you believe to be your Twin Flame, your true divine love... In the end it is all an illusion and I'm glad I'm over that Twin Flame trip... There is no such thing as a half of your soul in another human being... I have no idea who came up with that idea...
Alan you're actually really funny in a dry & darkly humorous way.
He mademe laugh too!!!
Yes 😂😂😂
You have obviously been through this in your family of origin. A therapist that has not just cannot understand all of this let alone articulate it so well. I love your clearly put fully covered videos.
As the "black sheep" who never drank the family KoolAid ("Mommy, the emperor is naked!") I have always been the sensible, grounded, pragmatic partner. Seems to be a turnoff for a lot of guys who lose themselves in the honeymoon phase and know nothing about the hard work it takes to build a solid foundation for a healthy LTR. I do think this sort of attachment distortion goes hand in hand with escapist tendencies. Some people would rather ignore/distort reality than accept it. That just means they are not compatible with me. I have had enough "excitement" thrust upon me already, I do not desire it in any future relationships. Respect, integrity, empathy, consistency, reciprocation, time, and effort. Those are the things I would want in a potential partner.
That’s so powerful!! I am in the same place! Thank you for writing it out like this 🙏🏽
Incredible articulation of an extremely difficult subject. Thank you Alan Robarge.
Charity Burnett - Agreed!!
I'm a Psychotherapist and clinical Hypnotherapist and I am fascinated by Alan's ability to explain this so well . No wonder he's an expert in this field.
Thanks Alan!!!
Thank you for this video. I am just begining the process of observing my dysfunction in relationships and realizing my coping mechanisms. I have always fallen for people that also have similar attachment wounds, I have always ignored red flags, I have always fantasized about finding the absolute perfect spiritually evolved partner (influenced greatly by the soulmate/twin flame notion) and I have always been completely heartbroken and disappointed when the realization hit that the person I thought was "the one" is not who I fantasized them to be. I have rejected ordinary love, friendships and life experiences so greatly... simply because it did not meet my grandiose expectation. Dope.
Real love is simply unconditional love and can be experienced in any type of relationship. It means having empathy and compassion, respect, not being codependent, loving oneself wholly, being able to be your true authentic self, and knowing when to walk away when another person is not honoring you as a human being. That kind of dynamic demonstrates unconditional love and it can transcend most of life's inevitable challenges.
Thank you Alan! I feel like finding you on TH-cam is just the beginning of my healing journey. I'm so glad I stumbled across your channel. It's humbling and slightly humiliating to hear the Truth of how dysfunctional my relating to intimacy has been! Sometimes the Truth hurts but keeping up the fantasy hurts much more in the long run. Blessings to you🙏
I feel the same way. I have been looking for some grounded advice. It is not easy to do all these techniques people talk about as counselors when they have not experienced what they are trying to help you with. I am all about tools and what I can do instead of what I can't do or just hearing what something means. I have never thought about having an "Ordinary Love" and no wonder I never thought about it, because it's a goal I did not think was acceptable. I think the main point to focus on with ordinary love is the fact that the grips of extraordinary love are so strong they cause an enormous amount of distress in the relationship and you actually get the exact opposite of what you want.
You are by far the best and most articulate relationship coach and psychotherapist I have ever seen online. Thank you!
By the way. You don't have to stay in a soulmate relationship. Because as you heal you understand that you are not a good match.
Thanks for calling out the current BS around spiritualized relationships. I agree and am so glad to hear you state that this kind of thinking is dangerous.
Loving the humor and candor in this one!
Thanks.
at 35, i finally don't even want a relationship. after dealing with all of my abuse and not having a single "normal" let alone satisfying relationship that i wanted, i decided i don't want one. I just want to live alone and live a life that is not unhealthy mentally emotionally... etc.
Have at it 🐰
Alan is the most authentic person I have "met" in my long life. I've always cringed at the word Soulmate...it just sounds so very contrived. ..a bit like the adult version of a child's Christmas.
Alan is Brilliant.
Thank you. Very helpful for me. I idealised the last man I dated, ignored red flags because I hace that fantasy mindset of love.
I absolutely agree with you about being cautious in the belief about a transcendent, blessed, magical, soul mate love. Not only does this leave you wide open to disordered individuals who swoop in and create the perfect Prince Charming illusion, but if you don't meet your own magnificent "Twin Flame" it also feels like you've been abandoned by both people and God, since your dreams don't come true the way you've always believed that they would. I know this because I've lived it. I do really want the real deal, the earthy, ordinary love. But I'm learning to live happily on my own first.
In fairness, I suspect many of us with abusive childhoods felt abandoned by God long before any romantic relationships ever came along. I know that I’ve never understood what terrible thing my 13 year old self could ever possibly have done to so earn God’s hate, but hate he certainly piled upon me as that was pretty much all that I was ever exposed to throughout adolescence. Then you discover as a young adult that as an empath the only partners you will ever attract are always going to further abuse you and that the only way to escape further abuse, after a particularly violent partner comes along, is to completely abandon relationships altogether even though you may desperately desire that connection with another. It makes for an incredibly lonely and empty adult life decades later, but I’m not sure some of us were meant to ever know the love of another without abuse - honestly I can’t even say that I have ever truly felt worthy of another’s love as I know how flawed a person I am, but especially given the degree to which that same abuse also destroyed my physical and mental health leaving me forever disabled and living with severe chronic pain and just those medical issues are painful for many to know about, much less live with. But at least this way there is no risk that my past or health issues (mental or physical) will ever hurt others as hurting anyone has always been my greatest fear after so many have hurt me over the years. I think some of us were put here to love all but never to know love for ourselves, but at least we hopefully leave this world a bit better off than when we came into it by helping others along the way.
Sharyn, this is spot on, I’ve felt abandoned by God, for not providing something that doesn’t exist I.e. soulmate love. Thanks for your comment x
@@liabooth399 ive always felt God hated me.
Alan, I appreciate how you explained this type of distorted thinking grows out of a desire to heal attachment trauma. It has helped me realise how my unconscious belief system of looking for “the one” has kept me trapped in denial.
Thank you so much for all the fantastic videos. I really like your style of delivery. I will share with others and let them know what a great resource your videos are for healing. Thank you Px
Alan is the absolute best!
I appreciate the kind words. Glad you like this one.
If you like the videos you may also be interested in taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I can't wait till more people begin to wake up to ordinary love!! Soul mates, twin flames, ect are often pushed by narcissistic spiritual professionals and narcissistic partners to their victims. They couldn't even function without this idealism. I didn't grow up with love so I thought I couldn't possibly find that bliss anywhere else despite the abuse... Your so right, its dangerous and adds to the pain.
Well said. Thank you.
Bjørk - All Is Full Of Love
You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it
Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at
Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
💜
One of my favorites of all time
Wow this found me at exactly the right time. Been running around in circles in relationships with the love/soulmate/spiritual relationship language. So profound. Thank you. Thank you.
WOW!!! Listening to this post was the first time I could put some of the pieces together of my own reality distortion surrounding love. I feel so blessed to have stumbled across your post. It was very enlightening to me. Thank you! 💜
This makes so much sense I want to thank you Alan from the bottom of my heart !!!
It was about time someone addressed this. Too many hurt people are fooling themselves and thus not go into healing because they have found, lost and still hope for their soulmates, true love and twin flames. Thank you, so much, Alan!
This man is a dang GE NI US. I've spent my entire adult life trying to understand this stuff and his words ring so true to me ☆
Yana, thank you for the supportive words. These romantic narratives are so layered. It makes sense that it can be hard to see or understand. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
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www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
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Thanks again for letting me know the videos are helpful.
I'm 20 Years Old & I Am So Greatful For This Helps Me Become So Much Stronger & Better Mentality
Wonderful. Glad it is helpful to you Kent. Thanks for the comment.
I was such a romantic fool... Lived my own fantasy world (10.00 )Now I have to live with the consequence 🙄... But now I wake up. Thank you from the bottom of mine now down to earth heart!!!
Henriette, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Divine unions/soulmates, are simply 2 people who love themselves wholly and are healthy in mind body and spirit so when they come together, they are 2 separate souls enjoying each others company as partners on this journey of life. In my opinion based on life experience.
ordinary love doesn't sell stuff... make up, designer sunglasses, records whoops dvds, movie tickets...
So true Alan, Every relationship has started with I am your prince charming, your soul mate, I never met anyone like you, I have been looking for you all my life. So now....finally...thanks to all of your great videos and priceless insight I can see clearly now. I don't believe this crap anymore is my line now....;) Thank you Alan, I am trying to get through all your videos. Thank you Thank you.
I have never been a fan of any kind of “psychology” as I live a lot of my life in spiritual principles but your videos have been very helpful to me. This teaching on soulmates and twin flames was very interesting and eye opening. Especially twin flames.
Live, glad you found this helpful.
I sought a savior, someone who solved childhood emptiness without my having to ask.
I found someone complimentarily damaged, and ruined my stable but detached marriage for him.
Then he flaked out. And I was too addicted to the feelings to let go. By then, my spouse repulsed me. The fragile attachment I had to him broke like spiders web compared to the intoxicating grip of my affair.
Seems going through it was the only way to see how damaged I was. It was completely out of character. I had repressed my wants and needs for years
As much as I don't want to admit it, you are right. I do believe in soul mates and twin flames but right now i am focused on getting my mental health together. I'm tired of all the abuse and BS in life
Twin flame relationships are rare and I do know of many put up with abuse thinking it’s ok because it’s their twin. How ever a twin flame journey is a spiritual journey not a love relationship, it’s spiritual first and I think that’s we’re the problem is. Lastly is you have not experienced this first hand , then it’s difficult to relate to. But I do see how it can hurt someone who is viewing relating in a distorted way.
@Veronica Barrera I agree! People have these misconceptions and they romanticize a Twin Flame connection. I never believed in soul mates and yet a few years ago I met a person who you can refer to as Twin Flame. He is the one who unconsciously helped me to start my healing journey, through him I've been experiencing so much soul growth. It's a painful path bc for the first time I had to face the dysfunction in my family, attachment trauma, codependency, fears and so much more. Through him I learnt what "unconditional love" is. People who haven't experienced such a connection won't understand it. Everyone who is desperately looking for a partner will eventually end up in toxic relationships because they become attached to the idea of soul mate etc.
I've always been obsessed with soul mates...and then i met my ex she was everything i ever wanted in a partner...she left me for another guy after 5 years of telling me how perfect for her i was...
Now its been 4 years since the breakup and i can't find anyone with whom i have as much in common and it's killing me slowly...
I know it's been a while.I hope your heart is healing. I was in a similar situation. I haven't been in another relationship since and it's been many lonely years. I hope you have friends or positive support in your life to help get you through.
Yeah, I recognize that
She probably lied half of the things and you idolized the other half. Become present in the moment.
@@UranijaZeus yes and kept him around until someone better came along. It’s hard to move on if someone doesn’t want to accept the hard truths or real possibilities of the outcomes, being present helps heal
All of your videos speak to exactly what's going on in my head, what has gone on in my past relationships, and the family dynamic that I grew up with in a way that no way has ever pinpointed with such accuracy. They have been such a great help to me. Thank you!
I already had this idea that idealized romantic love is a kind of narcissism but never found anything on the net discussing this concept. So glad I finally did. Thank you so much. For so long I felt quite alone with this idea.
I love this mans words-- to hear these words, dare he say the truth is so healing THANK YOU!
This was very sobering. Thank you.
We get so much suffering and pain because we are holding on to the story and the potential of the relationship… Alan i appreciate you being so humble and empathetic with your sense of humour when you deliver your message..✨
Grieving the loss of potential is painful. Glad to hear you connected with this video. Thank you for letting me know it was helpful for you. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
There is only one spirit which permeates everything living and non-living. We are each just a drop out of it and will soon be reabsorbed back into it. We all belong to each other.
A giant thumbs up
Exactly what I needed to hear as I slowly open to finding a healthy relationship. An ordinary relationship would be thrilling! My question - are there many men who can do emotional resonance & attunement? I have worked so hard to heal & wonder if there are men who have also done healing who can have an ordinary relationship. I sure hope so. Thank you again Alan. I am giving your you tube links to others who are interested. The best resource I've found!!
There would be definitely many men that like me are working on healing and hopefully have healthier relationships. Ordinary relationship is the reality as it is, the holywood stuff definitely didnt help many people to achieve the healthy relationships we deserve.
Annie O I am one of those men. I was wondering the same about women 😉. I think I know they’re out there, but my understanding is not many people do this type of challenging, yet rewarding, insight.
Matthew Freye I’m here! I was wondering if there are men who are really working on that stuff. I thought there wouldn’t. For some reason I feel like men’s job is harder because of the conditioning they receive
When growing up.
When you heal yourself, you see through all the BS and realize it was attachment. The love was limerince, a newer term I have heard as the feeling we think is love that is just major infatuation and seeking to have your needs met by someone who can't. Anything hyper is about something else, I think in the same way anger is the tip of the iceburg on a myriad of other issues. Thank you for the balanced, reallity check message.
Good insight. Glad this video offered some grounding. We can never have enough conversations about unpacking the romantic narratives. Thanks for commenting.
Also, I'm wondering if you've heard about the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Based on your comment you may be interested in it.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma No I have note heard about the source, I am new to your channel so still learning about your content. I have heard of attachment theory, but still learning about it all. I will check it out thank you!
good for you welcoming learning. thanks for your comment.
My ex is a big believer in the “Law of Attraction“, which ties in, perfectly, to these notions of a “soulmate” and your “true love“. To my detriment, I always told her I didn’t believe in it, and that it was magical thinking. It was a very divisive issue for us, but so silly, in reality.
I see now how this belief caused her to always question the validity of our relationship, every time we would encounter an issue, no matter how small.
It caused her to always scan the horizon for the “perfect divine partner”. Even after we were engaged, and had a baby, I still found various notes and notebooks, where she would write down lists of numerous traits that she wants in her “perfect divine partner”, from the universe. Of course, I called her out on it, and she back-pedaled in a frenzy.
This is what these fantastical beliefs will cause one to do. To always question whether or not you’re in the right relationship, or if this is the ultimate person for you. “How will you know”?
That is sad :( I’m sorry
@@VladaldTrumptin Can’t believe this was a year ago, already. But, thanks for your reply.
D L I hope things are better for you now lovely, you deserve it! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@VladaldTrumptin better than I was, and I’ve learned so much. Plus, Alan’s channel was so helpful.
Thank you
Excellent suggestions on how to promote realistic expectations for a relationship. Thank you for another informative and healing video, Alan!
Thanks for this message. I spent 20 years in a very unhealthy narcissistic relationship. After my divorce I’ve had nothing but failed relationships. My last was particularly hurtful. I really wanted it to work and ignored all the unhealthy things going on. This message totally makes sense.
this is soooo good ...never thought of love this way . to hear this information just blows my mind and offer so much peace . thank you so much!!!
" I just don't believe this crap anymore." Oh, come on, Alan, tell us how you really feel! haha! Thank you for your videos, they are supremely helpful. To be grounded in the ordinary is great advice to bring order out of chaos. I find it very interesting that my particular experiences have honed my fine artistic skills, however, it's easy to see how conflicting this "talent" can become when we romanticize adult relationships. Learning to be ordinary is truly a spiritual tonic.
The Twin Flame concept says that Twin Flames are one soul in two bodies... I'm over that... There is just one soul in reality... Call it 'God', call it 'source', call it whatever you want...
I dont know who you are or where you from, but where have you been all my life?? lol You have some amazing videos. I just subscribed. Keep up the great work. Very informative stuff.
Real Love is kind and patient and giving to ANYONE and not just one person. Soul mates are created not found and I AM my twinflame.
Whoah Mr. Robage. This video, mixed with your other video "Obsessing over an ex-partner Trauma Mind" really, really, really help me today. Thank-you so much. Best videos on TH-cam as a set about the Twin Flame experience, hands down! I highly recommend these two videos together for people who thought they were a "Twin Flame" couple, especially for when it becomes toxic and dysfunctional, or to help prevent those conditions. You have helped me a lot to recognize what is happening in my psyche to help me overcome obsessing over him, after I have let him out of my life, and taught me how to begin healing myself. I can now reject the Twin Flame dogma, and approach it with transpersonal psychology instead, without falling into that level of learned helplessness Twin Flame coaches teach, claiming you can never untie from them. They claim that the obsessing is one of the many signs of the Twin Flame experience,. I let all that go today. I cannot thank-you enough. Best two videos on TH-cam about this topic, in my view. Thanks again.
I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear the videos helped decode some of these romantic narratives. It's so important we're talking about this and bringing it to light. Thanks for letting me know the videos are clarifying and thanks for valuing my work.
Also, I want to share, and you may already be aware of it, that you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is a topic we explore in depth in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
I listened to this video so many times, it answered so many questions .vAll the psychologist s didn't answer these questions and charge you an offensive amount of money. thank you Alan R.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your work has provided me with such a healthier thought process. It brings new life when you have been suffering too long.
Thank you for the comment and for valuing my efforts to spread the word about healthy, secure relating. I’m glad this video resonates. If the information here is of benefit to you, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. It's a way to support the work, ensure future video offerings, and also invest in your self-directed healing work. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. The ideas on this video are the types of ideas we discuss in the community. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist Thank you I will definitely consider being a member. Thanks again.
This video was life changing for me! I have been searching for this without evening know what I was looking for until know. Thank you! Explains so much!
thank you so much!!! Im trying to get out of my fantasy world, that ive been living in!!:)))) Blessings and Light!!!
😂😂 you had me laughing when you said “this ain’t the Sade song”. And I LOOOVE that song smh!!!! But thanks for this video. I learned ALOT!!!!
This was another very helpful video to me, Alan ~ actually maybe the most helpful in that it helped me identify some of my issues. I think that I'm a wonderful reality-distorter when it comes to my family and personal relationships. I'm beginning to see a different way of looking at my issues ~ one that will finally be helpful instead of reinforcing them. Thank you, most sincerely.
30:30 oh my goodness you make me LOL at myself. It might exist, it might not, bottom line is that if you’re spending your time focused on a toxic situation that hurts you, it’s going to ruin your life.
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you
x 1000 for This Mr. Robarge !! So good and common sense informations. Every listen with some time in between makes me say yes in affirmation on a point I didn't get or wasn't ready to understand. There is so much information out there about chakras, and twin flames, and unicorns with no clue about what is said or with any academic information or experience. Thank you 🙏
This is crushing but necessary! Thank you!
I recognize the words as English...that’s about how much sense it makes to me with my attachment trauma right now.
This beautifully crafted analysis of attachment is so helpful to me and hopefully many others.
Thanks for sharing this. Truly helpful!!
I am so happy I/we found you I feel so blessed as we all do listening to your fantastic insight WOW thank-you so much!
This anxious attatchment soul mate syndrome happened to me. A continuous loop of fixating on what turned out to be very some very unhealthy relationships and encounters. Now I know I hope its not too late to heal and grow
Thank you for valuing my material Sian. I’m glad this one resonates with you. It's never too late. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for pointing out this distorted belief!!!
Alan, you have just explained my entire life experience. I can finally understand why I stayed in a toxic relationship for forty years. Everything you describe, especially reality distortion, is so spot on. Thankyou Alan, from the bottom of my heart.
Nice to hear you deeply connect with this content. It's so important that we keep talking about reality distortion. Thanks for your feedback and for valuing my work.
Since you resonate with this content, and you may already be aware of it, then you may also be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This comes up in community conversations.
This is two of my relationships growing up. I was in love with the last guy in 2006 that I gave large amounts of my self (my energy) and my love to and he went on to marry a rich girl that ruined his life. I thought for sure he was the one. I felt so bad at first for losing him but I moved away without saying goodbye because it was the best thing for me. When I would try to give him up and forget him living in the same town he would drive by all hours of the day and night and would purposely be wherever I was so I had to see him but he would never make time for me so we could talk like normal human beings. I promised myself I would never feel like that again in love.
Wow.. So many insights. They will help me grow to have a ordinary love one day. Thank you.
Excellent video! Reality distortion, I've done this. This is such good information to ground yourself with. Thank you!
Such a good one Alan. I was also thinking that the soulmate designation places far too high of expectations on both people in the relationship and only sets us up for catastrophic disappointment if they fail us which they inevitably will at some point in the future.
Thank you for these explanations!
I am at a point where romantic movies fall short in comparison to my love history. But although I have lived so many nuances of romantic love, I have not yet experienced stable connection.
It was also very useful to hear that in order to heal, we look for an experience that is opposite to what we know. This explains a lot some of my choices, and it helps me connect to myself.
Alan your videos are entirely unique and full of insightful content. Many thanks!
Wow! I was amazed at how accurately this described who I am. Great job at circling around and hitting the main points several times. I needed to hear some of those things over and over to really get it to sink into my thoughts.
Alan, you are hilarious in your delivery of hard truth.
Another form of reality distortion is private mental fantasizing (like being a princess abused and locked in a castle tower being rescued by a prince) which was a tremendously powerful pull for my psyche as a child and young adult. This particular expression of distortion still occurs when stress is highly triggered in relationships.
Thanks so much for this sobering video. This is a relief!!
Thank you for connecting the dots around attachment issues and reality distortion.
These are important things for everyone to know, and it's great that you are so engaged with this content.
I know I responded to your other comment, but I wanted to provide you with another resource of mine - my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course, I discuss the various ways that we respond to distress in relationships based on attachment injuries and traumas. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships?
Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks for another way of understanding my brain and get closer to wholeness
You are welcome. You may also be interested in my free Healthy Relating Checklist. alanrobarge.com/checklist
Excellent! I just discovered your videos. So very helpful and informative. Thanks much!
Funnily enough, the film Friends with Money shows Jennifer Aniston finding someone at the end of the film and she begins an 'ordinary' love relationship. Yes, he has lots of money, but their relationship is ordinary and she finds peace and friendship with him.
Dayum sending this video to myself😂❤
This is possibly the best video I have ever watched. It really explains my difficulties in having good relationships. Thank you Dr. Robarge
You are so right Alan
My soul mate was so charming and always fun, charming, sweet and took almost everything I owned. Some people's job is to make you their job. Right on man. No more Cinderella crap. It doesn't exist. 18 years of it. Thank you and hopefully you'll save someone from this fantasy world which leads nowhere.
Thanks for the feedback and reflections. Really good to talk about this. Glad to see you were engaged in this content.
I don't believe in all that stuff ..I left home to get away from my mother..
And when I married my husband I projected all my mother hate onto him
He was emotional unavailable..not a surprise..was set up for that ...
Not his fault my fault or my mother's..
I've growen to the extent that I don't blame anyone
I now love myself as iam responsible for my own happiness..
Thank you for this video… my marriage broke down four years ago… and ever since I’ve been looking for my soulmate/twin flame… and it has led to a lot of hurt and pain… now almost four years later I can see I was living in fantasy, running away from my problems and carrying attachment trauma with me every where I went. My husband (separated not divorced)and I are reconnecting and talking about what went wrong and the unhealthy patterns that we were both stuck in… not sure if we will reconcile yet… but we are on the same page with the kids and moving forward as co-parents… we are developing the language and skills now, that we can now talk about our issues… and not just shut down or run away…. Whether we end up together again or not is secondary, at the moment to us being kinder to each other, relating to each other better and being better parents to our kids, who have obviously been through a lot.
I love your stuff Alan.
It amazing how many times i hear people say "God send" and months... years later that God sent person is described as the devil incarnate.
I have two ex "meants" to be. Lol.
A soulmate is a person who subconsciously enlightens another person in being a better self. A soulmate inspires security, loyalty, addaptivity in another and that person delights on seeing you being better,open and vulnerable to self and others. This soulmate also has a healthy foundation, better than yours( if you struggle with attachments), and is patient until you believe it too because they don't feel threatened by your shortcomings( given they don't physically hurt others). They don't get rattled by your insecurities. They are a guide and a couch unintentionally, just being them and never point fingers to belittle you or blame your past. What they get back is the best of you. I can get addicted to such a person and is not a fairy tale. It doesn't take an extraordinary human being, but one person who accepts you for who you are and you admire also. You admire them and they can open up to you unguarded because you truly welcome their feedback in your life. It's very rewarding to that person and truly appreciate the influence they have on you. I will definitely love being someone's soulmate, because I make them feel admired for who they are to me.
i love u!!! and absolutely agree. it's so disappointing because i meet so many men that are lost in this fantastical thinking and there is just no reality, can't date them. its so disappointing. there is a cliche out there that fantastical thinking is more prevalent in men but thats siply not true.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge about relationships. It's ground breaking for me to listen to our videos and try to make these changes happen irl. Hipse from Denmark
Your videos have been so enlightening and fascinating. I'm impoverished and can't afford therapy and you've given me such insight not only into fostering a better relationship ,but also understanding my own defaults that fuel depressive/anxious episodes. I honestly can't thank you enough.
Glad to hear this content is helpful for you. Thanks for letting me know you tapped into some insight around default patterns. Appreciate the comment. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.