Stuck and Cannot End Relationship or Marriage: All 7 Distraction Strategies (Video 8 of 8)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.พ. 2025
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my TH-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Stuck and Cannot End Relationship or Marriage: All 7 Distraction Strategies (Video 8 of 8)
In this video, I talk about the different types of faulty thinking that prevent us from taking action for ourselves. We try to convince ourselves we must fall in love with this relationship and settle even when we're truthfully unhappy.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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☑️ Want to learn more about relationships? Then, sign up for the Everyday Relating Questionnaire.
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Stuck and Cannot End Relationship or Marriage: All 7 Distraction Strategies (Video 8 of 8)
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Mr Robarge - you have, in a matter of days, helped me, opened my eyes more than any individual therapy, podcast, or book has. I could never thank you enough. Brilliant relationship therapist.
Thank you for your kind words and for watching the video. I'm happy to hear that my content has reached you and has benefitted you in your healing process.
I want to invite you to explore my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course, I breakdown the four different ways we respond to distress in relationships, which is usually based on our attachment injuries or traumas. It can be important to learn about the way we respond to distress, anxiety, and fear in relationships so that we can heal and improve the way we relate and are related to in current and future relationships. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I also want to make sure you know about my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for keeping your content online. You’re always spot on and I appreciate how you describe thoughts and emotions. You’re great and it’s been so helpful to find you and listen to you in the midst of navigating my tricky relationships.
Thank you for sharing this content has been helpful for you and thank you for valuing my effort.
Since the videos are helpful you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
My Gawd Alan!!! where have you been the last 34 years ? You keep hitting the nail on the head, three years of therapy and never this level of honesty. I have been chasing my tail for way too long, didn't know what to call it, just thought I was an asshole.
Saint Cloud Nursery, Thank you for valuing this material and for the feedback. Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Fighting for a bad relationship is being out of integrity
Don't fuel the thoughts, interrupt the process, observe, label them. Great advice. Ty
I don't feel justified. I just have pressure inside me that wants to make me scream "I don't want this!" I want my outsides to be like my insides.
You and me both sister. I hit a place where I did start screaming it, and once you do you can't stop.
Same here
I just love you so much your saving my life and I'm crying now because it's like you know me and I'm tired of being feeling crazy now I can get better by listening to u and getting help thank you so much!
I feel the same way. I guess we are not alone!
Omg😂 I love watching your videos. It's only funny because they're so on point with my relationships😕
Wendy Herrera me too omg I always laugh at these vids because they’re just sooo true
ViNtAgELovv11 i am a “hyper analyst “
However, I have made a real and valuable life outside of the dysfunctional relationship. This has kept me from having shed a single tear.
@@dlwsport250 Congratulations! I plan on being next. Tired of doing everything he mentioned in this video. I'm ready to go get my "better!"
NotTheJen FromBackThen ROCK STAR START!
Great series, painful to see the patterns, but empowering to understand them. Thank you
Amen!
Oh my gosh I have done every single one of those ways of thinking! I could hear myself and every example that you gave. Yikes that has totally been me, driving and striving trying every way to make it work. Hard to hear but I really like how you gave examples of how people actually talk
K.T. I hear you. Many of us can relate with one-sided situations. Glad to hear this video resonated for you. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I just found this and you're amazing! I'm being called out for exactly what I need to be called out for. Thank you.
Extremely helpful. I’ve been looking for this for a long time
Hey shame, I know your there... then Hey, mind solution focused mind....
Wow, How empathetic you are Alan Robarge. You hit the nail right on my head! 😆
i think you nailed this when you talked about the oncongruence of going after sonething you dint want. presumably its also not leaving hevause its what sone part of you - your subconsvious- does really want because of fear if change etc. Which is lack of faitg.
You really know your stuff and communicate it very effectively for me. thanks again
Very true. What about the financial aspect? When you've allowed the relationship to effect your finances and really life all together? I guess I'm facing I knew this was wrong from the beginning and didn't trust myself.
Omg your mannerisms and way of delivery is so funny I love it. Oh I’ve watched almost all your videos and joined your online group thing have yet to receive the invitation can’t wait
Outstanding series !!
I realize I am the one only giving out crumbles, but I am stuck and feels paralyzed...
Annette Ljungberg : have you been hurt and maybe you don’t want to go through that hurt anymore?
I am relatively new here, your video about the narcissistic wound has, well it was pretty goddamn effective. It's helped me to realize I wasn't very introspective after all, and it's helped me to stop using toxic victimization as I call it, as an excuse to seek out and stay with unhealthy partners. More importantly, it's helped me realize how I have continued to play victim, and I still am, when it comes to leaving my toxic ex of 10 years. We both are toxic. Should I say that word one more time? Toxic. Okay now that we have that out of the way, he is having an incredibly difficult time getting over it all, and it's very self-destructive, frightening, and I'm having trouble keeping it from emotionally ruling my life. I believe that subconsciously may be his intention which is neither here nor there I suppose. I don't know if you have any videos that could help. We have two young children together so we can't exactly stay out of each other's lives but it seems that anytime he sees me he goes into a spiral of frenzied depression. It has gone from toxic to potentially dangerous. I'm going to go through all of your videos, but if you have a suggestion that might help me let those reactions of his not take a front seat in my life, or a video that may help him understand the root and help process, I would really appreciate it.
By the way, your helping with some generational healing. My mom has had some breakthroughs just from the notes I took on your narcissistic wound video. You are helping us, you have helped so many and I'm grateful.
I actually like you more than other youtubers.!
My husband is thought distortion #1, catastrophizing. I’m #2, exploiting empathy. I did try to get him to go to couples counseling with me, or even better, a 12-step program for couples. He said no to both. By that time, I was in al-anon. Al-anon emphasizes recognizing distorted thinking. Finally, the scales fell from my eyes. I broached separation. He agreed. Now we are getting divorced. Even now, he is catastrophizing, and I am-or was-exploiting empathy. But his catastrophizing is leading him to attack me very aggressively. That was very painful for me when it started. Now, however, I’m grateful. I finally see him for who and what he is. I am cured of my exaggerated empathy. I’m coming out the other side.
You are brilliant! No one gets it's so well! 😂
Thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings you benefit.
This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
this is awesome and accurate
Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my effort. Glad my work speaks to you.
This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
yes another great video ty so very much
You're welcome. Glad you like the videos.
Since you like the content then you may also like taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
As if it is our fault that they don't love us enough or as if it s our fault that they disrespect us sometimes. All this is so pathetic... You are so right describing this
I see you are tapping into core beliefs. Glad this video resonated. These are good reflections. Core beliefs and breaking down romantic narratives are recurring topics in the Improve Your Relationships Community www.alanrobarge.com/community The community is based on Self-Directed Healing which means you take the lead on what you want to focus on. Members have reported learning a lot from sharing their process with each other. Start your own conversation or join in the discussions from others.
"This is my last shot"
That's how I feel after the failure of my last relationship. A thought reinforced by online dating apps. Erch. I have to have hope but that's all I've got, if anything.
I’m so grateful to to you Mr. Robarge.
Glad you connected with this video. Thanks for the response.
Thank you for this!
I don’t know whether I have relationship OCD or not.
Omg he is so funny I love him so much hahahaha this is so paradoxical cuz on one hand I’m really loving this entertaining levity and on the other hand I’m thinking oh man I’m screwed in my current rship lol
thank you so much!
Yes it was off then on, now off, thankgoodness. This time I ended it through texts, much better, final. No space for manipulation
This video is for me!!!! I am doing all this 😢
I hear you. Many of us can relate.
is there a playlist with all 8 videos in one place?
Yes
….because I’m an idiot! Why a wonderful wake up call. It’s not going to change and it’s time to get out…BUT (list excuses here) it’s apparently me that won’t accept it and change. Geez! Maybe if I loop this message continually for the next 25 hours it will sink in!
Thanks again Alan.
Please will u consider counseling me even though im in Australia?
Amazing
What if you have a son and no job, nowhere to go ;(
you step up and quit being a leach of a guy you don't love
D D I let it take everything. I'm in debt, behind on my mortgage, etc but I was all those things with him from allowing him and his children to burden my life so. Only way I know to fix it is get multiple jobs and bust my ass
THIS
All ways of avoiding responsibility.
what about when you break up and you really cared for this person but when i broke up i can’t seem to feel any of my feelings .. it’s like the person almost didn’t exist . wondering if it will hit me later on
Thanks for the question and I can see you were tuned in with this video. I'm reminded how we sometimes don't see our patterns.
If you're curious to know about the root causes of our relationship patterns then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thanks alan
you're welcome
Have to say that being on 'best behaviour' last year did nothing. I would bring her flowers, her favourite dessert, get theatre tickets, taking morr interest in her interests, go on nice walks but none of it changed her. She wanted love, not material things. I failed to see that.
Umm..no. you are too nice. It's a turn off.
..Love...lol
@@rev.jimjonesandthekool-aid4488 I was anything but 'too nice' before that. Neither worked. I give up.
@@MikeJackson690 sorry. Don't give up.
@@rev.jimjonesandthekool-aid4488 Honestly, I was a dick before then felt I had to swim against the tide to save the relationship. By then it was too late.
I'm in a strange place now where I'm yearning for someone new in my life but also afraid of starting over. Odd feeling. Perhaps I'm not *quite* ready yet...
I get stuck because I'm resisting the change and being alone
I did this before my divorce for 2 years.
I hear you. Glad you found the way out. Thanks for commenting on his video.
Everything you say in almost all of these videos is ME. Do you live in my brain??! 😂
💔💔☹️ Thank you, Alan, for the help and insight. You're pretty amazing!
Thanks Dawn. I am glad this video was helpful.
Hahahaha….. this is like listening to my own stream of consciousness, only it’s lasted for almost a year.
Is it to improve or to end? 😂
Is it such a big deal to ask for someone to text? Shouldn't it be the normal thing for both partners to initiate communication?,🤯
I see you are identifying a value. Glad this video inspired you to reflect and explore. Writing our Relationship Manifesto is a recurring activity in the Improve Your Relationship Community. Members are encouraged to identify their values, preferences and boundaries in relationships.
🤔🥺🤯
L