Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Celebrate Yourself👍🏼Mantra is " I Celebrate Myself"👍🏼✌🏼❤️🙏🏻💪🏼🙏🏻✌🏼😌 ( a quote by Sant and Mystic Osho...it helped me a lot👍🏼you can too fellow brother or sister👍🏼✌🏼 Namaste 🙏🏻🕉️ From Bharat India❤️✌🏼🌹🙂😊🌼😇🧘🏻♀️🙏🏻🕉️
@@vcalvillo17 Do not judge yourself 👍🏼✌🏼❤️🔥 and Say Mantra " I Celebrate Myself" said and Inspired me a lot by Great Rishi Mystic Osho 👍🏼✌🏼🔥🙏🏻🕉️🏹🔥💯😌 Namaste from Bharat India ❤️🔥🙏🏻🕉️✌🏼
Glad this was helpful. Thank you for letting me know. And thanks for valuing my work. If this is helpful then you may also like the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. We have conversations around this topic. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan- I can't say how appreciative I am to have found your videos. I have been having some profound realizations thanks to the help of your guidance. Thank you
i've been taking therapy basically my whole life, and have grown with this distorted idea about self love exactly like you said, like if I don't reach it I'm doomed, I've been struggling to be in a relationship for a long time and my therapist in a direct or indirect way had kept this idea that if i don't love myself I'll be single forever and this idea has always made me feel angry cos' it feels simplistic, it feels like self-love is a finite goal to reach, and..it's as cliche as it sounds it's a life journey, and hearing you saying that basically, it's a balance between me and my relationship to the world it honestly gave me this light and space i need it, thank you so much for this insight, this is my second video and honestly I'm really grateful to you
right? the entire concept of attention has become pathologized. we all need attention, it feels good. like all things that feel good, it's how and why you seek it that matters.
Indeed we need both. I hate when I censure myself or berate myself for being "needy" or seeking external verification. Being self-aware and knowing your worth is all-important but needing external validation from people who are important to us or that we look up to as an authority is important and part of human nature.
@@robertzsombok7661 how are you doing? I'm living back with 2 retired parents who have Aspergers, there's no acknowledgement of any feelings and it's very remote, plus all the virus stuff...I'm struggling with a daily routine and feel exhausted now...it really helped me to know that it's ok to want external validation, but I know I'm not going to get it from my folks...it's making me sad...
To me, external verification means socializing, which we all need. But not even a single bit of our self worth can depend on it. I think it's also important to point that out. My self worth has always depended on being on a relationship and it's so hard to describe how freeing it is to be able to be your true and genuine self without having to depend on people. Most of us need some level of socialization and attention, as humans are a social species. But self worth is only determined by OUR OWN SELF and NO one else. Love ur videos Alan!
I can be myself however it’s being my fully complete self with my partner balancing I’ve come to realize I need boundaries to guard myself to be respected to be shown I’m valued also being vulnerable within myself and understanding and recognizing my emotions and be able to express my needs without judging myself as being needy or demanding basically accept my fragileness vulnerable softener side nurture myself and embrace myself and express my needs and know what my boundaries are stand firm on them
Glad you like this video. If you're interested in learning about healing ideas and skills in self-loving then you may want to check the Improve Your Relationships Community. The basis of the community is Self-Directed Healing Work which means you're in the driver's seat of your healing. You get to practice mapping out the healing you need. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
One day I was giving myself some EFT (emotional freedom technique) tapping away - I was intending to say: 'even though I feel low self esteem I deeply and completely accept myself'. I convulsed with laughter when I realized I had actually recited: 'even though.....I deeply and completely forget myself!' My higher self took over I guess and told me the truth!
Hello Helen. It's funny how those insights get blurted out. FYI, this Tapping exercise is rooted in bi-lateral stimulation as explained in EMDR and not linked to EFT, even though it's the same word "tapping."
I used to berate and deny how much I need external validation and attention from others because it was a defense mechanism for surviving in a emotional desolate environment. I was either abandoned by others or put down. No I'm between. I viewed myself as flawed, undeserving, unwanted, damaged, wrong, or something was wrong with me because that is the mirroring I received in my upbringing. Thank you for this video!
I hear you Chan. Many of us can relate with these patterns. Good for you for participating in your healing. We have different ways we learn to cope with growing up in emotionally desolate environments. This is one of the reasons why I recently created a course. If you'd like to learn more, take The Attachment Distress quiz to find out what your response to relationship stress is: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also we talk more on the topic in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Dear Alan, Thank you so much for mentioning the pitfall of "I have to love myself completely before being with other people." I've listened with skepticism to friends/family/myself (who i felt were very afraid of intimacy) talk about how (after years of being alone) that they must be focused on being okay with self etc - that they dont need anyone else - like you said this can be a tragic pipedream of complete autonomy that ignores the gregarious parts of our nature and seeks to isolate us further =(. I fully respect self love and know the damage that not practicing it can inflict - but I'm so glad you put into words how going too far in the other direction can be just as isolating as self hate. --Thanks for the great videos !
Strategies may work until they no longer do. Ultimately love, unconditional love, is veiled by strategies, goals, purposes, efforts and attempts. You are love. Your whole being is love. Cease all effort and love will start to shine through.
Empathy goes out to you. Many of us have been there. Glad you are finding benefit from this content. Thanks for valuing my work. This is the type of content we talk about in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I just love your videos.you seem to understand c PTSD and offer a fresh new insight. I just watched the grieving video and I am hooked.thanks you are like a breath of fresh air to the psychology community. like a ray of sunshine.I know that is korney but your insight is so welcome and hopefull.
Daniel, thanks for the kind words. I am glad this is helpful! You’re invited to join us in the online community I created. It takes the same topics that these posts are create from and expands them. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I have difficulty with finding a way of expressing my needs being afraid of appearing demanding and as a consequence feel the deprivation you mentioned. It all has to do with self worth and the mentality of shame. I am working on this, however, hard to find a way.
Glad that is helpful. I appreciate the feedback. This is a recurring topic in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Oh god, that’s one of my wounds! I fell down while trying to learn to ride my bike by myself and my mom just sat in the house doing nothing and she gave me no pity. This teaches you how not to be a mom.
Yes! We have to take care of our internal garden, i love gardening and am so kind to plants, why ever am i so hateful to myself ?...mistery.I started weeding these negative thougts years ago, they're so strong though!
Excellent break down, detailed with examples. You are a master communicator well ahead of most clinicians. I very much appreciate you stating that we need others to reflect our humanity to have a sense of self. Can’t wait for your book! It will be phenomenal. Please keep doing this work. So grateful for you.
As I wrote my comment, I found my answer! Yes I would say that I need to eat because it’s what I need. I’m not offending anyone neither am I preventing other from saying what they need. And I would go grab something I really like to eat because most of the times when I’m going out to dinner at night I really don’t enjoy eating much. So there is a reason for me to eat very light after the movie because I’ve eaten before! It’s a win win. Thank you so much!
Even if I agree we need other people's nourishment, I don't think affirmations that we're appreciated has anything to see with our self-worth. As long as my self-worth depends on other people's opinions (!) it will go up and down. Self-worth doesn't not vary, it's the inner knowing that my imperfections are human thus acceptable.
Brittany thanks for the supportive words. I'm glad to hear you encouragement from this video. Appreciate you letting me know you value my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again.
Thank you for your comments. Glad you see the value. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
Thanks for the comment Emily. Glad you like this one too. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word. Thanks again.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad that you find my work beneficial and valuable for you. Since this video resonated with you, I want to encourage you to look into my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz I also want to invite you to join us in the Community, Improve Your Relationships. I created this space for people to come to learn, grow, and heal from attachment injuries. We discuss self-love and ways to care for ourselves and heal. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work. If this content is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Loving ourselves is an ongoing topic of conversation. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this!!! I appreciate the "In NO, is YES" distinction. Very clarifying. Also - I am going to make "Is this an act of self-loving?" my new mantra :) Thank you thank you.
Rachel, thank you for your kind words. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with these incredibly insightful videos. Your presentation is always so eloquent and on point. I’m so thankful that we have this technology which allows us to learn from each other, even though we have never met and our paths may not have otherwise crossed!
Alan, you have helped me so much. The information you share is wide. It has made me understand just how deep and wide these waters are. You are kind in understanding this yet don't allow the listener to simply lament their wounds. You present concrete proactive suggestions and on healing. When I think that you have covered all the ground possible that relates to me, I listen to another session and more light is shed on the deep dark corners of these issues. Thank you for being there. I would l ok ve to sit with you and have you tell me what you think. Thank you again.
Some parents do tell the child they are an idiot for falling off the bike and that they have failed as a six year old. Then the 6 year old grows up into adult that needs a therapist like you Alan because they think they are worthless and stupid.
Thank you again Dr. Alan. "IN NO Is YES"! I love it. We ARE saying yes to being treated with respect and surrounding ourselves with people who treat us kindly. Focus on what we are getting completely changes the dynamics of the way I see setting boundaries. Acknowledging ourselves and asking myself is this an act of self loving! love love love this!
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for valuing my videos. If you're finding the videos informative and helpful then you may be interested in taking the Attachment Distress quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We also cover self-love strategies in more depth in the Improve Your Relationships community. You're invited to explore with us: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, you may want to consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter to support the continuation of the videos. Click here to make a direct donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for your comment.
You're welcome. Friending ourselves or self-love is a recurring topic in the Improve Your Relationships Community. If you like this content then you may like taking part in the discussions. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks for your comment.
Love your videos! This one is wonderful. I had a friend who always used to tell me to love myself more and that we didn't need other people which is nonsense!! Our inner light needs to be seen and acknowledged! 💛 Thank you for your work.
Sherry, thank you for your kind words here. While it is true we need relationships, we also need self love. it is a both/and, not an either/or. Many of us are confused about what self love looks or feels like if we did not learn it as children. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for all your videos, they are really helpful. I'm a shame based person, but I do my best to be more loving and kind to myself.. I've been thinking of joining the community but I'm afraid that maybe I wont have the courage to actually comment and share my opinions etc.. the shame is so hard, so I'm afraid I will not be able to contribute the way I want because of the shame and not feeling worthy to take space and share my experience and thoughts..
Thank you. If you value all the free content and benefit from the generous offerings, then please support the work and the ability for future work to continue by joining us in the membership community. Thanks. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Great tips Mr. Robarge!!!! I loved your view on boundaries... Recently I've been very anxious since some things had happened that triggered my abuse traumas, and I'm afraid of not being able to set up proper boundaries... So I loved your suggestions, they really shine a light on my path ☀️❤️ thank you so very much for sharing your knowledge 🌞 lots of love from Costa Rica
Thankyou very helpful. Out of all the videos I watch from the counselling profession. Yours, to me are more in depth and insightful and have a better understanding of the complexity of emotions one can feel.
you're welcome bestie. Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear the videos are helpful. If this content is helpful and you are interested in learning more about relating skills then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
...this is genius!! every human should be listening to and deeply absorbing these concepts....everyone!! i shared this on facebook.....thanks so so much for all your videos, Allan.....xoxoxoxoxo
I just discovered this video in my recommended list today. Thank you so much for your professional insight to loving yourself. When I thought I was on the right track, I all the sudden spiraled. I’m feeling better now that I got your video in my mind. Thank you so much for the guidance. ❤️🎁❤️
Thanks for your kinds words Clarissa. I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes, my mom would tell me that I'm an idiot and did so on a regular basis. It took me awhile to figure out that It's really about HER and her shame. But the damage was done.
Thank you so much for your insight. You are helping me recover and become healthy. Your insight is grounded and real to a life real situations. God bless you and your work! Blessings to you!!!!!!!
I'd just like to echo the appreciation and thanks for your videos. Your teaching and quality information has shown me how little l understand myself and intimate relationships. As fearful as that realisation makes me feel, it's with an equal measure of hope and excitement that l now walk forward.
glad this resonated for you Beth. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I know I am hard on myself because I was always put down. I was never celebrated for just being me.
Mary Wolfe how about celebrating yourself now for small victories every night or morning?
You're not alone, I wasn't celebrated for just being me either
Celebrate Yourself👍🏼Mantra is " I Celebrate Myself"👍🏼✌🏼❤️🙏🏻💪🏼🙏🏻✌🏼😌 ( a quote by Sant and Mystic Osho...it helped me a lot👍🏼you can too fellow brother or sister👍🏼✌🏼
Namaste 🙏🏻🕉️ From Bharat India❤️✌🏼🌹🙂😊🌼😇🧘🏻♀️🙏🏻🕉️
@@vcalvillo17 Do not judge yourself 👍🏼✌🏼❤️🔥 and Say Mantra " I Celebrate Myself" said and Inspired me a lot by Great Rishi Mystic Osho 👍🏼✌🏼🔥🙏🏻🕉️🏹🔥💯😌 Namaste from Bharat India ❤️🔥🙏🏻🕉️✌🏼
I am now binge watching your videos. I get so much more from them then 5 years of therapy. Thank you!
Each time you stay silent you're betraying yourself- really helpful. Was just in a relationship that was not an act of self love...
Glad this is helpful. Thanks for the comment.
My nervous system felt more assured by listening to this. I can't explain this in any other way. Thank you.
Glad this was helpful. Thank you for letting me know. And thanks for valuing my work.
If this is helpful then you may also like the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. We have conversations around this topic. You're welcome to join us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
His videos do this for me a lot too
"Is this an act of self loving?".
Simple but profound.
Alan- I can't say how appreciative I am to have found your videos. I have been having some profound realizations thanks to the help of your guidance. Thank you
i've been taking therapy basically my whole life, and have grown with this distorted idea about self love exactly like you said, like if I don't reach it I'm doomed, I've been struggling to be in a relationship for a long time and my therapist in a direct or indirect way had kept this idea that if i don't love myself I'll be single forever and this idea has always made me feel angry cos' it feels simplistic, it feels like self-love is a finite goal to reach, and..it's as cliche as it sounds it's a life journey, and hearing you saying that basically, it's a balance between me and my relationship to the world it honestly gave me this light and space i need it, thank you so much for this insight, this is my second video and honestly I'm really grateful to you
I feel exactly the same 😢
im sorry you had to go through this man and suffering with this. it really sucks. i hope you heal and live your dream life.
I'm so pleased you mentioned that we need external verification. Isolation kills the soul and mental health x
right? the entire concept of attention has become pathologized. we all need attention, it feels good. like all things that feel good, it's how and why you seek it that matters.
Indeed we need both. I hate when I censure myself or berate myself for being "needy" or seeking external verification. Being self-aware and knowing your worth is all-important but needing external validation from people who are important to us or that we look up to as an authority is important and part of human nature.
@@robertzsombok7661 how are you doing? I'm living back with 2 retired parents who have Aspergers, there's no acknowledgement of any feelings and it's very remote, plus all the virus stuff...I'm struggling with a daily routine and feel exhausted now...it really helped me to know that it's ok to want external validation, but I know I'm not going to get it from my folks...it's making me sad...
To me, external verification means socializing, which we all need. But not even a single bit of our self worth can depend on it. I think it's also important to point that out. My self worth has always depended on being on a relationship and it's so hard to describe how freeing it is to be able to be your true and genuine self without having to depend on people. Most of us need some level of socialization and attention, as humans are a social species. But self worth is only determined by OUR OWN SELF and NO one else. Love ur videos Alan!
I can be myself however it’s being my fully complete self with my partner balancing I’ve come to realize I need boundaries to guard myself to be respected to be shown I’m valued also being vulnerable within myself and understanding and recognizing my emotions and be able to express my needs without judging myself as being needy or demanding basically accept my fragileness vulnerable softener side nurture myself and embrace myself and express my needs and know what my boundaries are stand firm on them
I like when he said betrayal of myself is planting the seeds of shame. That helps
Glad this video is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
This is so much appreciated. I have no problem giving others love, but have no clue how to direct it inwards. Thank you so much!
Glad you like this video. If you're interested in learning about healing ideas and skills in self-loving then you may want to check the Improve Your Relationships Community. The basis of the community is Self-Directed Healing Work which means you're in the driver's seat of your healing. You get to practice mapping out the healing you need. You're invited to join us.
www.alanrobarge.com/community
One day I was giving myself some EFT (emotional freedom technique) tapping away - I was intending to say: 'even though I feel low self esteem I deeply and completely accept myself'. I convulsed with laughter when I realized I had actually recited: 'even though.....I deeply and completely forget myself!' My higher self took over I guess and told me the truth!
Hello Helen. It's funny how those insights get blurted out. FYI, this Tapping exercise is rooted in bi-lateral stimulation as explained in EMDR and not linked to EFT, even though it's the same word "tapping."
I liked the phrase you used, self appreciation. That might be easier for some of us to accept than self-love.
I used to berate and deny how much I need external validation and attention from others because it was a defense mechanism for surviving in a emotional desolate environment. I was either abandoned by others or put down. No I'm between. I viewed myself as flawed, undeserving, unwanted, damaged, wrong, or something was wrong with me because that is the mirroring I received in my upbringing. Thank you for this video!
I hear you Chan. Many of us can relate with these patterns. Good for you for participating in your healing. We have different ways we learn to cope with growing up in emotionally desolate environments. This is one of the reasons why I recently created a course. If you'd like to learn more, take The Attachment Distress quiz to find out what your response to relationship stress is: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also we talk more on the topic in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
“How can you soften, how can u give yourself the Beni fit of the doubt...” beautiful
Thank you for reflecting that this was meaningful to you Emma.
Dear Alan,
Thank you so much for mentioning the pitfall of "I have to love myself completely before being with other people." I've listened with skepticism to friends/family/myself (who i felt were very afraid of intimacy) talk about how (after years of being alone) that they must be focused on being okay with self etc - that they dont need anyone else - like you said this can be a tragic pipedream of complete autonomy that ignores the gregarious parts of our nature and seeks to isolate us further =(. I fully respect self love and know the damage that not practicing it can inflict - but I'm so glad you put into words how going too far in the other direction can be just as isolating as self hate.
--Thanks for the great videos !
Strategies may work until they no longer do. Ultimately love, unconditional love, is veiled by strategies, goals, purposes, efforts and attempts. You are love. Your whole being is love. Cease all effort and love will start to shine through.
I’m in a very dark place right now and your words mean a lot to me on this moment. Thank you 🙏
Empathy goes out to you. Many of us have been there. Glad you are finding benefit from this content. Thanks for valuing my work.
This is the type of content we talk about in the Improve Your
Relationships Community Program. I welcome you joining us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
I just love your videos.you seem to understand c PTSD and offer a fresh new insight. I just watched the grieving video and I am hooked.thanks you are like a breath of fresh air to the psychology community. like a ray of sunshine.I know that is korney but your insight is so welcome and hopefull.
OMG the part about speaking up.in a relationship hits home right now!!!!
Alan, honestly you are an incredible gift to the world. I can relate to everything you say, it's so profound.
Daniel, thanks for the kind words. I am glad this is helpful! You’re invited to join us in the online community I created. It takes the same topics that these posts are create from and expands them. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I have difficulty with finding a way of expressing my needs being afraid of appearing demanding and as a consequence feel the deprivation you mentioned. It all has to do with self worth and the mentality of shame. I am working on this, however, hard to find a way.
Hang in there. ❤️
This is another one of your videos where I’m repeatedly thinking, “oh my god. Alan you’re a genius- I gotta write this stuff down” thank you
I love that - finding the YES in the NO
Glad that is helpful. I appreciate the feedback.
This is a recurring topic in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
A your videos are helping me through a disconnect from someone I have loved too much.
You are the next step in the process of healing. Thank you for your excellent content.
Oh god, that’s one of my wounds! I fell down while trying to learn to ride my bike by myself and my mom just sat in the house doing nothing and she gave me no pity.
This teaches you how not to be a mom.
This is scary for me I've been people pleasing for a long time, thanks for your compassion.
Yes! We have to take care of our internal garden, i love gardening and am so kind to plants, why ever am i so hateful to myself ?...mistery.I started weeding these negative thougts years ago, they're so strong though!
Thank you Alan...I've never been aware that I lack the ability to emotionally care for myself. I have not had myself on my radar.
Newsflash: people and plants are different.
Excellent break down, detailed with examples. You are a master communicator well ahead of most clinicians. I very much appreciate you stating that we need others to reflect our humanity to have a sense of self. Can’t wait for your book! It will be phenomenal. Please keep doing this work. So grateful for you.
These videos are immensely helpful as I find my way out of a lifetime of negativity. Your voice is gentle and soothing.
Wishing you self-compassion. Thanks for valuing my work.
As I wrote my comment, I found my answer! Yes I would say that I need to eat because it’s what I need. I’m not offending anyone neither am I preventing other from saying what they need. And I would go grab something I really like to eat because most of the times when I’m going out to dinner at night I really don’t enjoy eating much. So there is a reason for me to eat very light after the movie because I’ve eaten before! It’s a win win. Thank you so much!
Even if I agree we need other people's nourishment, I don't think affirmations that we're appreciated has anything to see with our self-worth. As long as my self-worth depends on other people's opinions (!) it will go up and down. Self-worth doesn't not vary, it's the inner knowing that my imperfections are human thus acceptable.
Listening to you is an act of self-loving for me
I am glad it is helpful Nathalie
I appreciate this. Watching these are an act of self-loving for me :]
Brittany thanks for the supportive words. I'm glad to hear you encouragement from this video. Appreciate you letting me know you value my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
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Thanks again.
So clear , deep and valuable. Thank you
Thank you for your comments. Glad you see the value. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
Very good Alan. Some great insights and helpful tips...much appreciated 🙂
He is wonderful, keep listening.
Thanks for the comment Emily. Glad you like this one too. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word. Thanks again.
I really have no words for the impact of your work, thank you so much, from the depth of my heart!
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad that you find my work beneficial and valuable for you.
Since this video resonated with you, I want to encourage you to look into my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships?
Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I also want to invite you to join us in the Community, Improve Your Relationships. I created this space for people to come to learn, grow, and heal from attachment injuries. We discuss self-love and ways to care for ourselves and heal. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Very useful tips, thank you so much 😊
Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
If this content is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Loving ourselves is an ongoing topic of conversation. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this!!! I appreciate the "In NO, is YES" distinction. Very clarifying. Also - I am going to make "Is this an act of self-loving?" my new mantra :) Thank you thank you.
Thank you Alan! Just listening to your videos is comforting, like a hug! 🤗
Rachel, thank you for your kind words. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks Alen.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with these incredibly insightful videos. Your presentation is always so eloquent and on point. I’m so thankful that we have this technology which allows us to learn from each other, even though we have never met and our paths may not have otherwise crossed!
Alan, you have helped me so much. The information you share is wide. It has made me understand just how deep and wide these waters are. You are kind in understanding this yet don't allow the listener to simply lament their wounds. You present concrete proactive suggestions and on healing. When I think that you have covered all the ground possible that relates to me, I listen to another session and more light is shed on the deep dark corners of these issues. Thank you for being there. I would l ok ve to sit with you and have you tell me what you think. Thank you again.
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for your positivity and for valuing my efforts. Glad you are finding this content of benefit.
Excellent!!
♥️🎞😎👍🏻💖
wonderful video by focus on solutions , which I.really need !! thank you so much 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀
You are a great help thank you
Some parents do tell the child they are an idiot for falling off the bike and that they have failed as a six year old. Then the 6 year old grows up into adult that needs a therapist like you Alan because they think they are worthless and stupid.
This is good!!!!!
Thank you again Dr. Alan. "IN NO Is YES"! I love it. We ARE saying yes to being treated with respect and surrounding ourselves with people who treat us kindly. Focus on what we are getting completely changes the dynamics of the way I see setting boundaries. Acknowledging ourselves and asking myself is this an act of self loving! love love love this!
Yes. Brilliant video's. Beautifully explained. Thank you so much.
Very informative. Alan Robarge is so darn good at analogies and just as good if not better, with imaginative examples.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for valuing my videos. If you're finding the videos informative and helpful then you may be interested in taking the Attachment Distress quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
We also cover self-love strategies in more depth in the Improve Your Relationships community. You're invited to explore with us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, you may want to consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter to support the continuation of the videos. Click here to make a direct donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for your comment.
You name and explain all the feelings I have been grappling with for years. It brings me closer to understanding myself and taking care of myself.
The yes in no concept is so helpful to me, definitely a light bulb moment thank you!!! Will be practicing
Glad this is enlightening and helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
Thanks for the wonderful insights on self loving.
You're welcome. Friending ourselves or self-love is a recurring topic in the Improve Your Relationships Community. If you like this content then you may like taking part in the discussions. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks for your comment.
Brilliant Thank you.
Love your videos! This one is wonderful. I had a friend who always used to tell me to love myself more and that we didn't need other people which is nonsense!! Our inner light needs to be seen and acknowledged! 💛 Thank you for your work.
Sherry, thank you for your kind words here. While it is true we need relationships, we also need self love. it is a both/and, not an either/or. Many of us are confused about what self love looks or feels like if we did not learn it as children. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for all your videos, they are really helpful. I'm a shame based person, but I do my best to be more loving and kind to myself..
I've been thinking of joining the community but I'm afraid that maybe I wont have the courage to actually comment and share my opinions etc.. the shame is so hard, so I'm afraid I will not be able to contribute the way I want because of the shame and not feeling worthy to take space and share my experience and thoughts..
The information you share with us is priceless. Blessings and love to you Alan.
Thank you. If you value all the free content and benefit from the generous offerings, then please support the work and the ability for future work to continue by joining us in the membership community. Thanks. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I can not say enough thank you !!!
Beautiful message. Another great video.
"In No is Yes!" simple and very profound...my new mantra :)
Great tips Mr. Robarge!!!! I loved your view on boundaries... Recently I've been very anxious since some things had happened that triggered my abuse traumas, and I'm afraid of not being able to set up proper boundaries... So I loved your suggestions, they really shine a light on my path ☀️❤️ thank you so very much for sharing your knowledge 🌞 lots of love from Costa Rica
Thank you for the share brother
Alan, thank you so much. This is exactly what I need right now after breaking up with an emotionally stingy boyfriend.
Thanks for your feedback. Glad to hear you're finding this content helpful. Self-care is important. Good for you prioritizing yourself.
thank you dad
Thanks for your help which is important!!
thanks for all your practical suggestions/examples , I really appreciate it .
Looking at what you're going to gain when you deprive your self from something you shouldnt be doing, is great! I'll use that. Thank you.
You saved my life you a great man
Thankyou very helpful. Out of all the videos I watch from the counselling profession. Yours, to me are more in depth and insightful and have a better understanding of the complexity of emotions one can feel.
Your the best! Thank you so much for always sharing your knowledge! God bless you!
thanks bestie your videos are very helpful, i needed this
you're welcome bestie. Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear the videos are helpful. If this content is helpful and you are interested in learning more about relating skills then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
thank you so much alan.you make me feel better and more optimistic about life.you are a kind soul xx
Sooooo true... ❣️
Thank you for giving great resumes under your videos.
Your videos are a life saver.
thank you for taking the time to create this. you are giving me what I need
Very good video!
Thank you so much. You are wonderful.
wow! This was a excellant video. Thank you.
I thought I knew what this video would say but I was wrong! Thanks so much for these videos, Alan, this is wonderful.
thank you
...this is genius!! every human should be listening to and deeply absorbing these concepts....everyone!! i shared this on facebook.....thanks so so much for all your videos, Allan.....xoxoxoxoxo
I just discovered this video in my recommended list today. Thank you so much for your professional insight to loving yourself. When I thought I was on the right track, I all the sudden spiraled. I’m feeling better now that I got your video in my mind. Thank you so much for the guidance. ❤️🎁❤️
Thank you so much! I feel like this is a life changing video !
You have helped me so much. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart ❤️.
Great video with great strategies. Thank you!
Excellent videos! Very informative!
you are the best... thank you for these amazing videos!
Thanks for your kinds words Clarissa. I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hey Alan! Thank you so much
Thank you for watching! Since this one resonated with you, please consider sharing this with someone that you think might need to hear this today.
Amazing how helpful you are!!!!
Brilliant!
Yes, my mom would tell me that I'm an idiot and did so on a regular basis. It took me awhile to figure out that It's really about HER and her shame. But the damage was done.
Thank you so much for your insight. You are helping me recover and become healthy. Your insight is grounded and real to a life real situations. God bless you and your work! Blessings to you!!!!!!!
wonderful lesson. you deserve a Shake Shack!
I'd just like to echo the appreciation and thanks for your videos. Your teaching and quality information has shown me how little l understand myself and intimate relationships. As fearful as that realisation makes me feel, it's with an equal measure of hope and excitement that l now walk forward.
Wow! So great!
glad this resonated for you Beth. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Love your video's Alan, great insights and they give more clearance and understanding the dynamics! thanks👍