One cool thing I notice about these two in the video - the one who is not talking is looking at and actively listening to the one who is talking. How validating is that! It tells the partner that what they are saying is valid and important. I love seeing this!!
I noticed that too. I sent this link to my adult kids. I have read the Gottmans for years. My personal development in my marriage has been huge because of them.
Yes, it shows so much respect. I have started copying that with my husband and it's made such a difference. It conveys interest and presence in what they are saying.often married couples do not engage completely as they think they have heard it all before
I love it that you pointed that out. They truly are modelling a mutually respectful couple. I've met them live at a conference. I saw it and felt it. They are a solid unit. Their connection is very solid, calm, strong. I love it how they both add value. They are both so very wise.
Ah, wouldn’t that be great? I think if you come from these abusive background like I and my -exH did, attuning vs. guardedness doesn’t come natural.. example, I would ask him not to yawn when I started talking, that I’d given him say 20 minutes of listening, and would like to receive about the same. Never, ever could he do it. Once, he tried real hard for 5 min, and grinned how’d I do?? In moving on I’ve learned to value myself and speak my needs from the get go. Thanks for your videos.
This darling couple has such heartfelt and healthy energy, in such a healing maternal and paternal way..makes me wish they were my mom and dad ❤ if parents were more like this wow what a gift life would be.
They are a darling couple and they do have healthy energy, but as a couple. They're compatibility and health as a couple are not necessarily indicators that they would be good parents separately or together. Just wanted to say, not to burst anyone's bubble, but so that you don't fall upon expecting as much from people who may not be interested in parenting behaviors or relationships. Perhaps this couple has children, I don't know. But healthy couples may be healthy precisely because they are child-free
I 100% agree. It took me years to learn interpersonal effectiveness, would have been great to start learning and applying when I needed it the most, highschool! 😊
It is taught in high schools. It's called "Family & Consumer Science" & there's a national curriculum. But just because it's taught doesn't mean students & parents care about the class.
If only- communication is so much more important (globally) than which poem, or bit of history. Yes important but communication and relationships and self development should be on top of the list.
I think we learn, heal and understand ourselves much better when we are in relationships, even though they don't last. Then to be maybe ready for a lasting relationship, or maybe we choose to live alone.
Tons of Gottman content available, almost all of it good even if 2nd hand. But commenting to boost the algo purely because this one is particularly upworthy. Great interview. Great skim on such a huge body of work by the Gottmans!
During a timeout, I pray & process my feelings while I'm in that emotional state because that's the best time to figure out what triggered me & why. Step-by-step, I break it down, and then I'm able to come to a much better conclusion. ❤🙏
I have a hard time self soothing on a break after an argument and was triggered because I feel guilty. If u are a Christian do you have advice to dismantle this stronghold?
@@gborsonello it bothers me, because they are trying to turn the country that is known as the land of the free into the land of Jesus. Trying to impose their religion on me. Otherwise I don’t give a shit.
My partner and I both suffered big T and trigger each other in the worst way. For two years we were in a horribly toxic abusive relationship, but videos like this and a dedication to growth and betterment we have grown so much and are on a much healthier path now. If it weren't for my codependency, there is no way we would have survived that stage.
Chunkiemunkie11 Are you actually saying that your codependency was what saved the day ? Or did you mean something else ? Like you would have walked away and that would have been the end to it all. But you stayed on. And had the opportunity to work it out. As time does help us see things differently.
@jeanannedupratt7075 I don't exactly have an answer to your question, as I'm still discovering and researching. I don't think people should have to go through abusive relationships to heal. That's not what I'm recommending or hoping for people. For our situation, that's how it seemed to work. I don't know if I had left, if I would end up in another toxic relationship or not. With my history, I probably would have. The book "Women that love too much" had a concept that was manageable for me as a codependent. The book understood how difficult it is for codependents to leave relationships, so what was suggested was an alternative to change. The author said if you change and set boundaries and start sticking up for yourself, one of two things will happen. The relationship will also change, for the better, or your partner will leave you. Both would be good options if your current situation is toxic. I began making very small changes. And it grew from there. I stopped being afraid of upsetting him, and we were able to build safety in once another and begin a journey to healing. I wouldn't say my codependency saved me, I would say that it kept me there long enough to see that I couldn't go on the same way and have a difficult result. Change had to happen. It was my decision to heal my codependency that saved me. I hope that helps. Feel free to message me. I'm happy to talk. I actually do relationship coaching now, to teach people what I've learned and how it can apply to their own relationships.
Why do I think this is me? But I've gone no contact, as she's had moments of clarity saying her trauma has really affected us, but her usual is that it's all me - and that's the story she's shared with her "you go girl!" very large female family/ friend circle. I'm watching these videos wishing the moments of clarity had been shared with her support vs the latter. So, I continue to not respond. But my Co dependency kept us here this long. Rooting for you, and worried I'm making the right decision.
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!😊
Everything starts at home. My aunt raised me and I remember one day coming home extremely upset, I had a very bad day at work, everything that could go wrong did so. Walked in exhausted and the only thing I wanted was to talk to her, for her to sit with me, listen and comfort me. As I started talking, she looked at me and said she wanted to watch a TV, and we could talk later. Later never arrived. To this day, I can't get this out of my mind.
At first, I thought that this would be a loving example of a caregiver answering a bid for connection and co-regulation to help you to process your feelings. I’m sorry it did not turn out that way. It’s so sad.
In an abusive situation the victim doesn’t find a 5:1 ratio. Victims can use the soft start up method and this doesn’t change the mentality of the abuser. Their advice can work in situations in which both parties are genuine and have normal levels of conscience. Abusers wont play by these fair rules and these healthy protocols.
She is just as in tune with him! She just doesn’t show it with eye contact. She looks away so she can focus on what he’s saying. You see her nodding and thinking. That’s a neurodivergent focus body language.
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
As much as I enjoy watching this couple talk about love and relationships I wouldn't dare put faith in another person like this especially since it always takes me 3 plus years to get over someone 😭
These two are such a treasure! I hope to find someone with whom I can have such a fullfiling relationship. They are a wealth of knowledge and experience but I found their closing comments especially insightful. ❤
Great video! Unfortunately, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, and I still love him deeply. I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back, but nothing has worked. I'm frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my best efforts, I can't get him out of my mind. I really miss him.
It's incredibly hard to let go of someone you love. I was in a similar situation when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't let him go, so I did everything I could to get him back. I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who assisted me in reuniting with him.
This is a thoughtful, relevant dialog. I noticed only one explanation was given for infidelity in a marriage- loneliness. I think there can be multiple reasons, including giving into attraction, combined with opportunity, regardless of a healthy, committed relationship.
Green flags: the other person takes responsibility for their parts in mistakes Ask how come your last relationship ended? And see if they blame the other person or take responsibility for their part Reliability- does this person do what they say they will? Do they call when they say they will? Are they responding to your texts within a reasonable time frame? -is that person there for you when you’ve had a difficult day? Do they empathize with you or do they minimize your story?
14:40 The day before my ex and I broke up, I told him I would be ready to talk again in 20 minutes. All the walking and deep breathing in the world could not help. I felt worse than I did earlier, and ending things felt like the only way my panic attack could stop. It all felt so intense I couldn't even communicate "I need more time" I was just shutting the whole world out around me and trying to survive. I really got to my breaking point. As someone with mental health issues, how do I navigate "I need time but I'll be back later" in a mature way?
When it comes to mental health issues, you'll need to talk this out with your counselor or therapist. There's no one size fits all solution or method that will work for everyone. It may work for some but not all. Discussing with your therapist or counselor to navigate what would work for your particular case is recommended. I have severe ADHD and anxiety so taking time away leads me to spiraling, believing the situation is worse than it is. My partner and I talk it out calmly. We've argued only a couple times in 6 years. I did bottle it up and let it out calmly because it bothered me enough to discuss. She was receptive and didn't realize what she did bothered me. I'm over it after letting it out so all good. Basically, we hash it out without time away because we calmly talk it out without emotions blowing up. We've never yelled because that's not effective communication
Do something distracting to soothe yourself. Repeating the issue inside your head will only make it worse. Before you do come back, make sure to process your emotions. The way to do this is to actually write stuff down on paper. This helps us process our emotions as if they were someone else's. You can also ask for help from close friends and family. Once your emotions have been properly processed and understood, they won't be as controlling over you anymore. After this, come back and talk it out without blaming or name calling Or avoiding responsibility for your part of the conflict, or any other unhealthy behavior. Focus only on trying to understand each other and coming up with a solution that would be acceptable to both of you.
Do something distracting to soothe yourself. Repeating the issue inside your head will only make it worse. Before you do come back, make sure to process your emotions. The way to do this is to actually write stuff down on paper. This helps us process our emotions as if they were someone else's. You can also ask for help from close friends and family. Once your emotions have been properly processed and understood, they won't be as controlling over you anymore. After this, come back and talk it out without blaming or name calling Or avoiding responsibility for your part of the conflict, or any other unhealthy behavior. Focus only on trying to understand each other and coming up with a solution that would be acceptable to both of you.
Wow, Im so glad I came across this. This is helping me understand my relationship with one of my sons. He is volatile and I am avoidant. I hate arguing, and will shut down and run away, and he keeps going on about it, and also criticizes, which makes me shut down even more. I think I am going to share this video with him, to help him understand himself.
I LOVE this couple with so much wisdom. This is my 4th podcast of them. First learned about them on Conan O’Brien. I’ve used many of their techniques & sage advice on my husband. It’s helped me through fight fair & not dump my husband with criticism…
thank you for these beautiful life lessons and yes I learn a lot from your modeling as people have said (you both listen very intently to your partner, .love that), thank you!
Amazing couple and very profound advices about handling relationships matter with intention and love. Thank you for your wonderful podcast. Love their book too!❤
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!😊
I need time to think and sort before I feel ready to confront an issue or conflict. However little incidents here and there do pile up over time, by the time my mind reaches a resolution, it may be a bit too late or non negotiable. My relationships never lasted more than a year, either I broke it up or he broke it up. I am retired and still single. I don’t find it hard to be single though since I live in my head most of the time. Being alone is really my natural habitat.
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
Such wisdom!! I wish to one day have a dynamic similar in the ways of open communication and honesty , finding a reliable partner, and practicing acceptance ♥️
I"m recovering from a break up with a partner who had more big T trauma than he could process. He was on track to be a great partner and step dad, but we couldn't clear the hurdle of his trauma. It cut us both, very deeply, to realize there was no path forward for us. If only he had been open to talking with someone like Dr. Julie!
It’s not always the other person that’s the problem. He may find someone that finds what you call big T trauma as very manageable and that partner can contain and navigate his trauma without feeling helpless. Your helplessness and inability to help him is not a reflection of only him but also your lack. Maybe you need to expand your understanding that you were just too different to be together.
@@Mia15239 This comment made me feel pretty shitty, not gonna lie. Maybe you should expand your empathy and understanding that you're making a lot of assumptions about a years long relationship with very little information.
Oh my goodness! I had heard of his book in my bible college class and had jotted down the name of it on my outline. That was six months ago. I just clicked on this and when I heard the first few minutes I thought this sounds like that book. I think I will look at that outline and order it thinking it was a different author…and it’s the same guy!!!! Ok I am ordering this book!
I thought this was about finding a new person in your life. I love the Gottman's but this is poorly titled, since it's about how couples work things out. You should rename it.
I would like to be more validator, than volatile and avoidant , myself, i try to train on validating myself first, and i learned much here, thank you for sharing your visdom and experience with us all!!❤❤❤🎉🎉😊
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
I will take responsibility all day long but my two last relationships were abusive. I honestly tried to do everything to make it work. When I got broken up with the second time, I thought I will die. But I didn't. But I will never forget either of those men. I did have nice relationships in the past and I do believe I will have it again. I just need to look out for the manipulation and abuse.
The best thing I ever did for myself was question why I keep dating the same type of men in different packaging. If you are repeating a cycle, you can learn how to break it. Look up attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, secure) That's were I started.
@@trenchrock Yes, that's right. Though I am way past the point where just learning from patterns is enough. I learnt a lot about manipulation and how abusive relationships are formed. I also started to put my life together so that if I got into such relationship, I could leave freely. I am alone for almost five years now. I found myself and a lot of other things and I am now happy in my own company. Thanks for your support.
we are growing our entire lives... of course. But that's a clever side point. The issue is not about growing but being FULLY DEVELOPED as an adult. Would you cross a bridge that is still under construction ?
What about with family members? Could you discuss these relationship issues in regards to siblings, parents, etc. Asking as the family scapegoat. I’m all too familiar with some of these dynamics (witnessed the volatile/avoidant between my parents) and have experienced denial sand disingenuous apologies ie refusal to address the impact
I think it also depends on the person u are in a relationship with which type u are. For a long time, I was in a relationship with an avoidant person who was often really neglecting me and my feelings and our fights went were intentense because I often got in volatile mode because I did not feel seen or heard even if I tried being calm and rational. I really did not like my person to that time going always crazy. My new partner is much more validating so it is very easy for me to stay calm and validating too. A lot of conflicts just not exist and I am a different person. Thus, I think it is really much more about compatibility.
@@malemalineYes you decide the abolutes you musy have, then the negotiable characterisitcs then last the nice to have but no biggie.and on the positive side most important characterisitcs down to nice to have, but not so essential.
While dating, look for the healthy, and unhealthy, traits. Does your date turn toward your bids for connection? How does your date fight? Do they side with you against the problem or do they square up opposite you? Have they healed their childhood trauma? Do they have healthy boundaries? Do they respect and support yours?
I’m not sure about this. What if you start the conversation as a validator, but are met with avoidance from the avoidant? Then you begin to turn into volatile to try and be heard? It doesn’t start out that way.
Possibly the validator has experienced a lot of trauma but has gone after healing and now is expecting any partner to be more of a validator. This is me. After a lot of healing and still in process, I really did believe I was getting someone on the same page, but he's an avoidant, which is infuriating since I've learned to have relationship communication. There is no relationship communication with an avoidant.
Have you considered that if the avoidant keeps avoiding things means they are unwilling to grow in their ability to deal with discomfort and communicate effectively. Additionally, have you considered the possibility of that the avoidant is only speaking to their comfort rather than a solution? I have found "avoidants" seek to flee the situation as quickly as possible or tend to be confrontational when they take an enhance i.e. alcohol because it helps them have the ability to talk... However, I try to use reverse questions instead hearing them out, I start with, before you continue with this discussion, what would like to me to hear or do at the end? Then, proceed to work my down to the issues... Also, often times, avoidants are talking about to many things that have been bottled up... Also, encourage them to go see a therapist... Mandatory
EXACTLY... how reliable are we at 25...? Absolutely not equipped or ready to take on someone else's burdens and problems and support them and understand them. We should be fully grown and know ourselves before we take on a relationship
Parents help young adults build marriage and relationships financially morally. Jewish families chaperon very young couples- marry kids in their 20s. A celebrity example -Beckhams married off a young son and fully back that family … not to speak of the wife family.
If you were never expected to be reliable before 25 by reason of the logic that you weren’t fully grown, do you think that by 26 you would suddenly be as reliable as any other 26 year old? I’m saying if people waited until they were “ready” for everything they would just be developmentally stunted. I like another relationship psychologist dr David Schnarch’s take that nobody is ever ready for marriage. Marriage MAKES you ready for marriage. There will be conflict and screw ups as the maturing process works.
If you aren't mature enough to be working at relationships in a positive way by 25 I think it unlikely you'll be suddenly fully formed and good at it by 30 or 40. We learn by doing and "leaning in." Permanent adolescence must be exhausting!
@@auntyjo1792 Good points !! But if it takes to 45 or beyond to mature, so be it. Everyone is different, and that is ok. The point is that it's impossible to be fully mature before 25 for anybody !!!
Always interesting the Godmans’ maybe considering accepting the person ‘exactly as they are’ without wanting then to be even the tiniest way that you’d like them to be might be a good staring point to consider before consultation and further Analisis.. which will take both parts to improving and even changing their habits
Congratulations! This is a discussion of very inteligent Drs. That show their superiority on relationships. There are more than 50% of people that gets divorse, prevailing romantic fidelity and others seeking Economic fidelity. There are also people adopted in other Countries where the biological discourse has been drastically changed.I would love to hear a consensus reconciling adopted couples when they were young, then trying o find a partner to get into a non- lonesome civil relationship. Divorse is highly predominand fatalistic result among very inteligent people. It is almost the end of the road of top champions. God Bless.
… As a German Biologist - This is about Inner Strength to be able to resist all sorts of Temptations And have Instinct and Intuition To always be on your OWN Path to your OWN Destiny. Only THERE We meet our best friends, Comrades and the ONE Life Partner. Only THERE! We are conditioned to be hyper tolerant and Sheeple To accept anything And get lost in the parasitic Market Place That make us sick and mad. Inner Strength and Endurance with a strict strong Firewall No Tres Passing zone. I always congratulate those OLD Couples Still holding Hands LOVING 50 Years Married… Going extinct as living Fossils
At times I feel that all these points made, all thes advices and rules how to behave, are just too much and put even more pressure onto people. I think that the only proper way to know what to do and how to behave in relationships is to ask yourself one question: "Would I like to be treated this way?" My partner is sensitive like myself, but also quite different from me, an introverted, neurodiverse HSP woman healing from CPTSD. At times I am rude but I know it hurts my partner. At times m, I don't listen because I'm somewhere totally different. But I KNOW. And I make up for these things. People who don't know how to treat others appropriate and kind, have issues that need more than just learning a list about how to be nice.
I see me and my husband in this. He gets really passionate and wants to solve the issue immediately where as I'd rather talk slowly and calmly and find a comprise and as he gets amped up I become more and more silent. It sometimes feels like it's too much
My fiancé is an avoidant. His parents never fight and are an avoidant couple. I’m more of a volatile. He tells me he just wants to talk about our problems constructively without blame but to me it seems that he just wants avoid talking about problems at length and anything more than that, he interprets it as escalation. We end up resolving our conflicts after some time for him to process things and he will come to a compromise or even apologize. But during his time out, I’m in full panic mode, like a “bull dog pursuing” as mentioned in this video. I’ve been working on myself but when I’m in a heated conflict, I need reassurance and talking about the problems instead of avoiding it and coming to a resolution. Outside of this, he is very sweet and spoils me. Please help. Are we doomed?
I dont think so It sounds like his adapting to your conflict style as you are adapting to his... My advice is "think of hard conversations like stacking a bricks. Don't try to build the house at once but speak concisely for example, what you just did hurt my feelings because of 1,2 and 3. I would like 1,2 and 3. Thank you for listening". He might want to flee the situation (default setting), however, chances are because you kept it concise, it might not have triggered that response.. I hope this helps...
Hello! What suggestions do you have when you are with a partner? Who has a short temper in a hot fuse? I find it difficult sometimes to bring up matters of importance or matters that i'm concerned about, no matter how gentle I am and walking on egg shells , in how I deliver the request he gets defensive. I am befuttled.
It must be taking its toll on your selff esteem... Do you see any signs he's working on his stuff to make the relationship work for you too? If not, I suggest you study about narcissism and even other personality disorders
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
I was in a relationship where I was walking on eggshells. Focus on yourself and make regulating your own nervous system the priority. Sounds like you’re not on an even playing field and that’s unfortunate but doing more and moving in your partners direction is not the answer. I found Alanon/12 Step work really important so I could learn what self focus really looks and feels like. It’s a daily practice. Hands-off your partner! You’ll learn to recognize when they are truly doing their own work and meeting you half way. Not your job to make up the distance for their lack.
I struggle with my husband having talked about an ex repeatedly… especially on dates and on the drive to our marriage. I thought he just maybe wasn’t over her or I was the rebound. He was clear she was terrible for him and abusive to him etc. I found out after the marriage that they were still following each other on social media. It affected me deeply. I asked him about it and he said she forced him to stay on social media with her two years ago. He just blew it off as my being silly. That seed was planted about her early on and I cannot seem to trust him.
Start mourning miss, because I don't think anybody follows her ex on social media, with the internet and mobile devices things are so easy to get rid of, you're lucky you found them following each other on social. You can't even start thinking about what more could he be doing that are absolutely away from your reach or have no tracks to find about them.
They're talking about relatively functional ppl, couples. Trouble is, there don't seem to be many functional ppl around. Dysfunction rules, unconsciously.
I’m also curious if they have data on if someone’s trash is another person’s treasure - meaning seeming narcissist does great with a better fit and otherwise the misalignment brings out the worst in them
That’s what I say. If the couple is made up of two emotionally mature, caring people of average intelligence, it’s pretty much easy street. If one or both individuals are lacking no amount of Gottman “advice” will work.
Truth is for healthy communication to happen. You need 2 healthy people who want to resolve problems, because they have mutual interest in it. Nowadays, most people don't get close to the relationship stage where they have been invested enough in the relationship to care to save it. People give up very early on and go for other options. Also, we fight for power in relationships, and this complicates things a lot.
The point is "being" or "becoming" a functional person yourself. If you set boundaries with people you intact with in life, they will know how to relate with you, and then you create an atmosphere around you of people who will have an experience of honoring boundaries. Hopefully, they will then grow into more functional people.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we’ve gone through several types of arguments. As I age I find that I’m a volotatile arguer due to my upbringing (single strict, mentally abusive mom) and my bf is super avoidant but I’d say his upbringing was much more “volatile” (gang violence, drug dealing, you name it). I try my best with patience and staying calm but I’m black…I’m passionate. I’m not unreasonably angry of course but bipolarism, and schizophrenia runs in my family which I struggle with too. I will say after all this time, I know I’m the problem. Sometimes all it takes is admitting this to yourself.
Good luck to you! I hope you're getting the help you need! That's a difficult challenge for any individual, much less a committed couple in a loving relationship!
I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience of a beautiful relationship and joyful life. That it’s possible to find someone where you can share a loving, happy, peaceful life together and tackle life’s challenges supporting one another. I am hopeful one day I can find that but for now I have to find my inner peace and tend to my inner child. I know we are all strong humans. I do believe if we can help one another more on a daily basis even a simple smile or asking how is your day , a hug, a listening ear, shoulder to cry on or a helping hand can go a long way to make this world a better place. ❤
I want to thank you for sending kind words..I was filled with sorrow but now it has turned mostly to deep gratitude to have had him that long...I know I was so very lucky.
Toxicity is born in relationships when inner childhood healing is not being actively addressed. Trauma is telling to who you attract and how you interact. Heal yoursrlf first, then you'll attract a deep level connection and energy that becomes natural. Thus creating boundless topics to discuss.
I think what is being ignored here is that avoidant, validating + volatile styles appear in totally different streams. And can overlap continually. The avoidant can, in addressing a volatile issue with a validating person, become volatile him/herself. Then slip into validating with the response/reaction of the other person. Nothing is fixed in stone.
I told a therapist once that I wanted to start taking notes when my partner spoke to me so I can make sure I am understanding things right, and my therapist called me a crazy person….
"growing up together" is inappropriate because relationships are not for children. We're not talking about fully mature, we are talking about "grown up" as in fully developed physiologically and cognitively
I’m just exhausted from discussing politics. It’s beating a dead horse. That’s a topic where I believe it’s ok to “ agree to disagree”. Otherwise people spend valuable family time constantly arguing.
I was a former believer in John Gottman & The Gottman Institute, purchasing/reading his books and spreading the news to others. Then, I began noticing on my Instagram that he was “liking” all of the Kardashians’s sexy, skimpy booty pictures all the time, with what seemed to be a particular kink-like obsession with Khloe Kardashian, and that’s when I realized that even with an education and having authored a couple books, he is no different than any other regular sleezeball; and just like that I became a nonbeliever. If that stuff makes these two happy, good on them 👍 but I will never, ever settle for a pervy partner. Better to be happy alone than miserable partnered.
Interesting….yeah not a good look for an old man to be following and liking Kardashian pics on IG. So strange…his wife is probably completely oblivious to his online activity 😬
He's clearly a passive partner in a domineering relationship. They seem "healthy" in an unhealthy way.. Almost like they're acting - they've memorised a few scripts and are living in that ideal... The guy is quite passive and is probably quite suppressed.. He keeps the peace by sticking to the script, but his mind and soul is elsewhere.. A lot of vacant stares whilst his wife is talking (and talking and talking and talking). He's living out his fantasies on Instagram (and possibly elsewhere) What they say is technically true but they as a couple seem quite soulless, especially the guy.. He doesn't come across as "present"
Are you sure it was his real account? I feel like he’d at least be smart enough to not be that unprofessional publicly… or maybe someone else is controlling the account..
@healing_awakening368 Even if it is his account and he did wrong, you should never give your power away. Why did you decide to be a nonbeliever? Because of him and his sleazy behavior, you decided to give up on faith & God? That's not right. Be strong. You know that what he did is disgusting & against our religion. Do the opposite. Stick with people who are like you. We don't need preachers and pastors when God is freely accessible
Soul... mind will & emotions. Doesn’t soulmate simply mean your souls match or compliment each others? That includes thoughts on the way to do marriage/life.
the long game clears clutter, infuses joy, and welcomes *everyone* (not just biohacking bros) into the longevity conversation: bit.ly/3WO6OF3
One cool thing I notice about these two in the video - the one who is not talking is looking at and actively listening to the one who is talking. How validating is that! It tells the partner that what they are saying is valid and important. I love seeing this!!
Fully present for each other. So loving. Great interview!
I noticed that too. I sent this link to my adult kids. I have read the Gottmans for years. My personal development in my marriage has been huge because of them.
This is the second podcast I watch for them. John always looks at his wife when she speaks. Amazing.
They’re so cute together!
@@belleofthecamp6530 they’re! I love see how harmonious their relationship is! 😊
Respect and obviously a deep listener ❤❤
Yes, it shows so much respect. I have started copying that with my husband and it's made such a difference. It conveys interest and presence in what they are saying.often married couples do not engage completely as they think they have heard it all before
I love it that you pointed that out. They truly are modelling a mutually respectful couple. I've met them live at a conference. I saw it and felt it. They are a solid unit. Their connection is very solid, calm, strong. I love it how they both add value. They are both so very wise.
These Two are national treasures.. protect them at all costs❤🙏🏽❤️
Yes!!!!!!
I love the way you two lean into and listen and pay attention to each other. You model the work!👌
Ah, wouldn’t that be great? I think if you come from these abusive background like I and my -exH did, attuning vs. guardedness doesn’t come natural.. example, I would ask him not to yawn when I started talking, that I’d given him say 20 minutes of listening, and would like to receive about the same. Never, ever could he do it. Once, he tried real hard for 5 min, and grinned how’d I do?? In moving on I’ve learned to value myself and speak my needs from the get go. Thanks for your videos.
This darling couple has such heartfelt and healthy energy, in such a healing maternal and paternal way..makes me wish they were my mom and dad ❤ if parents were more like this wow what a gift life would be.
I agree wholeheartedly!
They are a darling couple and they do have healthy energy, but as a couple. They're compatibility and health as a couple are not necessarily indicators that they would be good parents separately or together. Just wanted to say, not to burst anyone's bubble, but so that you don't fall upon expecting as much from people who may not be interested in parenting behaviors or relationships. Perhaps this couple has children, I don't know. But healthy couples may be healthy precisely because they are child-free
Brilliant couple. Decades of scientific research on thousands of couples.
Very wise.
Also perhaps from JG’s own experience of two divorces
@@singha6- Ouch😮
I love these people. They are doing so much for others!
This should be taught in high school
It was, but instead of learning from history the morons choose to repeat it
I 100% agree. It took me years to learn interpersonal effectiveness, would have been great to start learning and applying when I needed it the most, highschool! 😊
It is taught in high schools. It's called "Family & Consumer Science" & there's a national curriculum. But just because it's taught doesn't mean students & parents care about the class.
This should be taught by PARENTS!
If only- communication is so much more important (globally) than which poem, or bit of history. Yes important but communication and relationships and self development should be on top of the list.
I think we learn, heal and understand ourselves much better when we are in relationships, even though they don't last. Then to be maybe ready for a lasting relationship, or maybe we choose to live alone.
You don't have to have a romantic relationship to learn yourself. Just relationship.
Tons of Gottman content available, almost all of it good even if 2nd hand. But commenting to boost the algo purely because this one is particularly upworthy. Great interview. Great skim on such a huge body of work by the Gottmans!
During a timeout, I pray & process my feelings while I'm in that emotional state because that's the best time to figure out what triggered me & why. Step-by-step, I break it down, and then I'm able to come to a much better conclusion. ❤🙏
Pray? To what? Your imagination…😂😂😂😂
I have a hard time self soothing on a break after an argument and was triggered because I feel guilty. If u are a Christian do you have advice to dismantle this stronghold?
@@Ginette688 pray to the fairy dust in the sky 😂😂😂
@@sethtenrecwhy are you being so passive aggressive? Why does it bother you that there are ppl who believe in God?
@@gborsonello it bothers me, because they are trying to turn the country that is known as the land of the free into the land of Jesus. Trying to impose their religion on me. Otherwise I don’t give a shit.
My partner and I both suffered big T and trigger each other in the worst way. For two years we were in a horribly toxic abusive relationship, but videos like this and a dedication to growth and betterment we have grown so much and are on a much healthier path now. If it weren't for my codependency, there is no way we would have survived that stage.
Chunkiemunkie11
Are you actually saying that your codependency was what saved the day ? Or did you mean something else ? Like you would have walked away and that would have been the end to it all. But you stayed on. And had the opportunity to work it out. As time does help us see things differently.
@jeanannedupratt7075 I don't exactly have an answer to your question, as I'm still discovering and researching. I don't think people should have to go through abusive relationships to heal. That's not what I'm recommending or hoping for people. For our situation, that's how it seemed to work. I don't know if I had left, if I would end up in another toxic relationship or not. With my history, I probably would have. The book "Women that love too much" had a concept that was manageable for me as a codependent. The book understood how difficult it is for codependents to leave relationships, so what was suggested was an alternative to change. The author said if you change and set boundaries and start sticking up for yourself, one of two things will happen. The relationship will also change, for the better, or your partner will leave you. Both would be good options if your current situation is toxic. I began making very small changes. And it grew from there. I stopped being afraid of upsetting him, and we were able to build safety in once another and begin a journey to healing. I wouldn't say my codependency saved me, I would say that it kept me there long enough to see that I couldn't go on the same way and have a difficult result. Change had to happen. It was my decision to heal my codependency that saved me. I hope that helps. Feel free to message me. I'm happy to talk. I actually do relationship coaching now, to teach people what I've learned and how it can apply to their own relationships.
Why do I think this is me? But I've gone no contact, as she's had moments of clarity saying her trauma has really affected us, but her usual is that it's all me - and that's the story she's shared with her "you go girl!" very large female family/ friend circle. I'm watching these videos wishing the moments of clarity had been shared with her support vs the latter. So, I continue to not respond. But my Co dependency kept us here this long. Rooting for you, and worried I'm making the right decision.
Thanks for not writing off partners with complex trauma. This is my experience as well amen!❤
Gorgeous couple. I just love how they work together and also share with us. Will definitely look for the book.
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!😊
They are happily together because one speaks and one listens 😂❤.
Everything starts at home. My aunt raised me and I remember one day coming home extremely upset, I had a very bad day at work, everything that could go wrong did so. Walked in exhausted and the only thing I wanted was to talk to her, for her to sit with me, listen and comfort me. As I started talking, she looked at me and said she wanted to watch a TV, and we could talk later. Later never arrived. To this day, I can't get this out of my mind.
At first, I thought that this would be a loving example of a caregiver answering a bid for connection and co-regulation to help you to process your feelings. I’m sorry it did not turn out that way. It’s so sad.
❤
In an abusive situation the victim doesn’t find a 5:1 ratio. Victims can use the soft start up method and this doesn’t change the mentality of the abuser. Their advice can work in situations in which both parties are genuine and have normal levels of conscience. Abusers wont play by these fair rules and these healthy protocols.
Exactly
You’re not supposed to be with an abusive partner
A video about "The One" obviously isn't about abusive relationships.
So true!
Very true
Anyone notice how attuned John is as Julie speaks? :)
She is just as in tune with him! She just doesn’t show it with eye contact. She looks away so she can focus on what he’s saying. You see her nodding and thinking. That’s a neurodivergent focus body language.
I read all of their life changing books multiple times and I'm so excited they have a new one! What a gift ❤️
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
@@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po what is hsv 1/2
actual good solid info instead of all the relationship-influencers hot takes. thank you
As much as I enjoy watching this couple talk about love and relationships I wouldn't dare put faith in another person like this especially since it always takes me 3 plus years to get over someone 😭
These two are such a treasure! I hope to find someone with whom I can have such a fullfiling relationship. They are a wealth of knowledge and experience but I found their closing comments especially insightful. ❤
So true about partners who had affairs that the other partner suffers from the characteristics you have mentioned and PTSD. 100% agree!
Great video! Unfortunately, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, and I still love him deeply. I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back, but nothing has worked. I'm frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my best efforts, I can't get him out of my mind. I really miss him.
It's incredibly hard to let go of someone you love. I was in a similar situation when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't let him go, so I did everything I could to get him back. I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who assisted me in reuniting with him.
That's amazing! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I reach him?
His name is Fatherabulu, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can help bring your ex back
Thank you for this valuable information! I just looked him up online, and he seems impressive.
@@barbaraandrews5 I'm curious can you share more about how this spiritual counselor was able to assist in reuniting with your lost love.
This is a thoughtful, relevant dialog. I noticed only one explanation was given for infidelity in a marriage- loneliness. I think there can be multiple reasons, including giving into attraction, combined with opportunity, regardless of a healthy, committed relationship.
Agreed and from a traumatized person with NPD and they are evil!!!
Many variables and they missed it big time!
That was the only explanation given so that the cheater can blame the spouse.
I thought he also said looking for things in others aside from your partner.
This is so good! Thank you for sharing this with us! 🙏
Green flags:
the other person takes responsibility for their parts in mistakes
Ask how come your last relationship ended? And see if they blame the other person or take responsibility for their part
Reliability- does this person do what they say they will? Do they call when they say they will? Are they responding to your texts within a reasonable time frame?
-is that person there for you when you’ve had a difficult day? Do they empathize with you or do they minimize your story?
14:40 The day before my ex and I broke up, I told him I would be ready to talk again in 20 minutes. All the walking and deep breathing in the world could not help. I felt worse than I did earlier, and ending things felt like the only way my panic attack could stop. It all felt so intense I couldn't even communicate "I need more time" I was just shutting the whole world out around me and trying to survive. I really got to my breaking point. As someone with mental health issues, how do I navigate "I need time but I'll be back later" in a mature way?
When it comes to mental health issues, you'll need to talk this out with your counselor or therapist. There's no one size fits all solution or method that will work for everyone. It may work for some but not all. Discussing with your therapist or counselor to navigate what would work for your particular case is recommended.
I have severe ADHD and anxiety so taking time away leads me to spiraling, believing the situation is worse than it is. My partner and I talk it out calmly. We've argued only a couple times in 6 years. I did bottle it up and let it out calmly because it bothered me enough to discuss. She was receptive and didn't realize what she did bothered me. I'm over it after letting it out so all good.
Basically, we hash it out without time away because we calmly talk it out without emotions blowing up. We've never yelled because that's not effective communication
Oh idk, I never return lol. It's either do this now or never. "Returning" makes me more anxious.
Do something distracting to soothe yourself. Repeating the issue inside your head will only make it worse.
Before you do come back, make sure to process your emotions. The way to do this is to actually write stuff down on paper. This helps us process our emotions as if they were someone else's.
You can also ask for help from close friends and family.
Once your emotions have been properly processed and understood, they won't be as controlling over you anymore.
After this, come back and talk it out without blaming or name calling Or avoiding responsibility for your part of the conflict, or any other unhealthy behavior.
Focus only on trying to understand each other and coming up with a solution that would be acceptable to both of you.
Do something distracting to soothe yourself. Repeating the issue inside your head will only make it worse.
Before you do come back, make sure to process your emotions. The way to do this is to actually write stuff down on paper. This helps us process our emotions as if they were someone else's.
You can also ask for help from close friends and family.
Once your emotions have been properly processed and understood, they won't be as controlling over you anymore.
After this, come back and talk it out without blaming or name calling Or avoiding responsibility for your part of the conflict, or any other unhealthy behavior.
Focus only on trying to understand each other and coming up with a solution that would be acceptable to both of you.
Wow, Im so glad I came across this. This is helping me understand my relationship with one of my sons. He is volatile and I am avoidant. I hate arguing, and will shut down and run away, and he keeps going on about it, and also criticizes, which makes me shut down even more. I think I am going to share this video with him, to help him understand himself.
I think they always give great advise for relationships ❤
I LOVE this couple with so much wisdom. This is my 4th podcast of them. First learned about them on Conan O’Brien. I’ve used many of their techniques & sage advice on my husband. It’s helped me through fight fair & not dump my husband with criticism…
The best!
thank you for these beautiful life lessons and yes I learn a lot from your modeling as people have said (you both listen very intently to your partner, .love that), thank you!
Amazing couple and very profound advices about handling relationships matter with intention and love. Thank you for your wonderful podcast. Love their book too!❤
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!😊
This was an amazing interview, thank you so much!
Julie has a great voice!
I love how you do Ads at the end of your podcast... GREAT CHOICE!
“What is your ideal dream
Here?” I love that
I need time to think and sort before I feel ready to confront an issue or conflict. However little incidents here and there do pile up over time, by the time my mind reaches a resolution, it may be a bit too late or non negotiable. My relationships never lasted more than a year, either I broke it up or he broke it up. I am retired and still single. I don’t find it hard to be single though since I live in my head most of the time. Being alone is really my natural habitat.
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
i a single woman 70 years old. And if you want to talk sometime ,just talk about anyhing, I will be glad))
Such wisdom!! I wish to one day have a dynamic similar in the ways of open communication and honesty , finding a reliable partner, and practicing acceptance ♥️
These two are the best!
Right!! 🤔😯👏🏼👏🏼😼
I"m recovering from a break up with a partner who had more big T trauma than he could process. He was on track to be a great partner and step dad, but we couldn't clear the hurdle of his trauma. It cut us both, very deeply, to realize there was no path forward for us. If only he had been open to talking with someone like Dr. Julie!
Maybe possibly.
It’s not always the other person that’s the problem. He may find someone that finds what you call big T trauma as very manageable and that partner can contain and navigate his trauma without feeling helpless. Your helplessness and inability to help him is not a reflection of only him but also your lack. Maybe you need to expand your understanding that you were just too different to be together.
I feel your pain.
@@Mia15239 This comment made me feel pretty shitty, not gonna lie.
Maybe you should expand your empathy and understanding that you're making a lot of assumptions about a years long relationship with very little information.
@@jesswatt5824 ok my bad to assume, I apologise.
Oh my goodness! I had heard of his book in my bible college class and had jotted down the name of it on my outline. That was six months ago. I just clicked on this and when I heard the first few minutes I thought this sounds like that book. I think I will look at that outline and order it thinking it was a different author…and it’s the same guy!!!! Ok I am ordering this book!
It's great material! Best of luck to you!
Thank you for ur insights about relationships Dr Gottmans...and thank you for bringing it to us.
Jeevan C, u r loved.....💞💕❤️
I thought this was about finding a new person in your life. I love the Gottman's but this is poorly titled, since it's about how couples work things out. You should rename it.
Great conversation
I would like to be more validator, than volatile and avoidant , myself, i try to train on validating myself first, and i learned much here, thank you for sharing your visdom and experience with us all!!❤❤❤🎉🎉😊
I did really enjoy this interview very much, thank you all for sharing your visdom and experience with us all!❤🎉😊
Great insight on relationships ❤
Well that was an annoying question about gender in the beginning.. glad they dispelled that one
That was great, thank you!
Shared religious faith and a commitment for life.
Enjoyed this.
Incredible information ❤
So so good! Love the examples!❤
Love you two, thank you for working for relationships.
Very good to hear
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
Excellent video. Thanks
Fantastic lessons here!
Glad you like them!
I will take responsibility all day long but my two last relationships were abusive. I honestly tried to do everything to make it work. When I got broken up with the second time, I thought I will die. But I didn't. But I will never forget either of those men. I did have nice relationships in the past and I do believe I will have it again. I just need to look out for the manipulation and abuse.
The best thing I ever did for myself was question why I keep dating the same type of men in different packaging. If you are repeating a cycle, you can learn how to break it. Look up attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, secure) That's were I started.
@@trenchrock Yes, that's right. Though I am way past the point where just learning from patterns is enough. I learnt a lot about manipulation and how abusive relationships are formed. I also started to put my life together so that if I got into such relationship, I could leave freely. I am alone for almost five years now. I found myself and a lot of other things and I am now happy in my own company. Thanks for your support.
Thank you very much!
Lovely couple and wise, wise counsel 💛💛🥰
we are growing our entire lives... of course. But that's a clever side point. The issue is not about growing but being FULLY DEVELOPED as an adult. Would you cross a bridge that is still under construction ?
I’d like to hear more from John
What about with family members? Could you discuss these relationship issues in regards to siblings, parents, etc. Asking as the family scapegoat. I’m all too familiar with some of these dynamics (witnessed the volatile/avoidant between my parents) and have experienced denial sand disingenuous apologies ie refusal to address the impact
I think it also depends on the person u are in a relationship with which type u are. For a long time, I was in a relationship with an avoidant person who was often really neglecting me and my feelings and our fights went were intentense because I often got in volatile mode because I did not feel seen or heard even if I tried being calm and rational. I really did not like my person to that time going always crazy. My new partner is much more validating so it is very easy for me to stay calm and validating too. A lot of conflicts just not exist and I am a different person. Thus, I think it is really much more about compatibility.
How does this help me FIND?!? The right one? This is what to do when you’ve already found someone
When you date you see if they have these approaches
@@malemalineYes you decide the abolutes you musy have, then the negotiable characterisitcs then last the nice to have but no biggie.and on the positive side most important characterisitcs down to nice to have, but not so essential.
@@malemalinethere is no dating anymore. There are very few places where you can meet people in safety.
While dating, look for the healthy, and unhealthy, traits.
Does your date turn toward your bids for connection?
How does your date fight? Do they side with you against the problem or do they square up opposite you?
Have they healed their childhood trauma?
Do they have healthy boundaries? Do they respect and support yours?
@@latinaalma1947 yup can you can also see their communication style and how they are interacting with you and etc.
I’m not sure about this. What if you start the conversation as a validator, but are met with avoidance from the avoidant? Then you begin to turn into volatile to try and be heard? It doesn’t start out that way.
I agree. I need answers to this.
Possibly the validator has experienced a lot of trauma but has gone after healing and now is expecting any partner to be more of a validator. This is me. After a lot of healing and still in process, I really did believe I was getting someone on the same page, but he's an avoidant, which is infuriating since I've learned to have relationship communication. There is no relationship communication with an avoidant.
Their advice only works for emotionally mature, caring, reasonably intelligent adults. IOW the people that don’t really need their advice.
Have you considered that if the avoidant keeps avoiding things means they are unwilling to grow in their ability to deal with discomfort and communicate effectively. Additionally, have you considered the possibility of that the avoidant is only speaking to their comfort rather than a solution?
I have found "avoidants" seek to flee the situation as quickly as possible or tend to be confrontational when they take an enhance i.e. alcohol because it helps them have the ability to talk... However, I try to use reverse questions instead hearing them out, I start with, before you continue with this discussion, what would like to me to hear or do at the end? Then, proceed to work my down to the issues... Also, often times, avoidants are talking about to many things that have been bottled up...
Also, encourage them to go see a therapist... Mandatory
Thank you
Thanks ❤😊
Thanks for this podcast. The headset the host is using sounds so good. If anyone knows what it is, please reply!
EXACTLY... how reliable are we at 25...? Absolutely not equipped or ready to take on someone else's burdens and problems and support them and understand them. We should be fully grown and know ourselves before we take on a relationship
Truths
Parents help young adults build marriage and relationships financially morally. Jewish families chaperon very young couples- marry kids in their 20s. A celebrity example -Beckhams married off a young son and fully back that family … not to speak of the wife family.
If you were never expected to be reliable before 25 by reason of the logic that you weren’t fully grown, do you think that by 26 you would suddenly be as reliable as any other 26 year old? I’m saying if people waited until they were “ready” for everything they would just be developmentally stunted.
I like another relationship psychologist dr David Schnarch’s take that nobody is ever ready for marriage. Marriage MAKES you ready for marriage. There will be conflict and screw ups as the maturing process works.
If you aren't mature enough to be working at relationships in a positive way by 25 I think it unlikely you'll be suddenly fully formed and good at it by 30 or 40.
We learn by doing and "leaning in."
Permanent adolescence must be exhausting!
@@auntyjo1792 Good points !! But if it takes to 45 or beyond to mature, so be it. Everyone is different, and that is ok. The point is that it's impossible to be fully mature before 25 for anybody !!!
Always interesting the Godmans’ maybe considering accepting the person ‘exactly as they are’ without wanting then to be even the tiniest way that you’d like them to be might be a good staring point to consider before consultation and further Analisis.. which will take both parts to improving and even changing their habits
Very nice!
Congratulations!
This is a discussion of very inteligent Drs. That show their superiority on relationships.
There are more than 50% of people that gets divorse, prevailing romantic fidelity and others seeking Economic fidelity. There are also people adopted in other Countries where the biological discourse has been drastically changed.I would love to hear a consensus reconciling adopted couples when they were young, then trying o find a partner to get into a non- lonesome civil relationship.
Divorse is highly predominand fatalistic result among very inteligent people.
It is almost the end of the road of top champions.
God Bless.
… As a German Biologist -
This is about Inner Strength
to be able to resist all sorts of Temptations
And have Instinct and Intuition
To always be on your OWN Path
to your OWN Destiny.
Only THERE
We meet our best friends, Comrades and the ONE Life Partner.
Only THERE!
We are conditioned to be hyper tolerant and Sheeple
To accept anything
And get lost in the parasitic Market Place
That make us sick and mad.
Inner Strength and Endurance
with a strict strong Firewall No Tres Passing zone.
I always congratulate those OLD Couples
Still holding Hands
LOVING
50 Years Married…
Going extinct as living Fossils
Maybe because too many believe in some evolution, which is a nothing word
I read this twice and still cannot follow your ideas. As a scientist you need to be able to comment clearly.
At times I feel that all these points made, all thes advices and rules how to behave, are just too much and put even more pressure onto people. I think that the only proper way to know what to do and how to behave in relationships is to ask yourself one question:
"Would I like to be treated this way?" My partner is sensitive like myself, but also quite different from me, an introverted, neurodiverse HSP woman healing from CPTSD. At times I am rude but I know it hurts my partner. At times m, I don't listen because I'm somewhere totally different. But I KNOW. And I make up for these things. People who don't know how to treat others appropriate and kind, have issues that need more than just learning a list about how to be nice.
Peaceful 😌
I see me and my husband in this. He gets really passionate and wants to solve the issue immediately where as I'd rather talk slowly and calmly and find a comprise and as he gets amped up I become more and more silent. It sometimes feels like it's too much
My fiancé is an avoidant. His parents never fight and are an avoidant couple. I’m more of a volatile. He tells me he just wants to talk about our problems constructively without blame but to me it seems that he just wants avoid talking about problems at length and anything more than that, he interprets it as escalation. We end up resolving our conflicts after some time for him to process things and he will come to a compromise or even apologize. But during his time out, I’m in full panic mode, like a “bull dog pursuing” as mentioned in this video. I’ve been working on myself but when I’m in a heated conflict, I need reassurance and talking about the problems instead of avoiding it and coming to a resolution. Outside of this, he is very sweet and spoils me. Please help. Are we doomed?
I dont think so
It sounds like his adapting to your conflict style as you are adapting to his...
My advice is "think of hard conversations like stacking a bricks. Don't try to build the house at once but speak concisely for example, what you just did hurt my feelings because of 1,2 and 3. I would like 1,2 and 3. Thank you for listening". He might want to flee the situation (default setting), however, chances are because you kept it concise, it might not have triggered that response..
I hope this helps...
Hello! What suggestions do you have when you are with a partner? Who has a short temper in a hot fuse? I find it difficult sometimes to bring up matters of importance or matters that i'm concerned about, no matter how gentle I am and walking on egg shells , in how I deliver the request he gets defensive. I am befuttled.
It must be taking its toll on your selff esteem... Do you see any signs he's working on his stuff to make the relationship work for you too? If not, I suggest you study about narcissism and even other personality disorders
One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi TH-cam channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!
Jimmy on relationships on TH-cam.
I was in a relationship where I was walking on eggshells. Focus on yourself and make regulating your own nervous system the priority. Sounds like you’re not on an even playing field and that’s unfortunate but doing more and moving in your partners direction is not the answer. I found Alanon/12 Step work really important so I could learn what self focus really looks and feels like. It’s a daily practice. Hands-off your partner! You’ll learn to recognize when they are truly doing their own work and meeting you half way. Not your job to make up the distance for their lack.
At some point it will become clear the one who requires egg shell walking is incapable of partnering.
Namaste
I struggle with my husband having talked about an ex repeatedly… especially on dates and on the drive to our marriage. I thought he just maybe wasn’t over her or I was the rebound. He was clear she was terrible for him and abusive to him etc. I found out after the marriage that they were still following each other on social media. It affected me deeply. I asked him about it and he said she forced him to stay on social media with her two years ago. He just blew it off as my being silly. That seed was planted about her early on and I cannot seem to trust him.
Start mourning miss, because I don't think anybody follows her ex on social media, with the internet and mobile devices things are so easy to get rid of, you're lucky you found them following each other on social. You can't even start thinking about what more could he be doing that are absolutely away from your reach or have no tracks to find about them.
They're talking about relatively functional ppl, couples. Trouble is, there don't seem to be many functional ppl around. Dysfunction rules, unconsciously.
I’m also curious if they have data on if someone’s trash is another person’s treasure - meaning seeming narcissist does great with a better fit and otherwise the misalignment brings out the worst in them
That’s what I say. If the couple is made up of two emotionally mature, caring people of average intelligence, it’s pretty much easy street. If one or both individuals are lacking no amount of Gottman “advice” will work.
Truth is for healthy communication to happen. You need 2 healthy people who want to resolve problems, because they have mutual interest in it. Nowadays, most people don't get close to the relationship stage where they have been invested enough in the relationship to care to save it. People give up very early on and go for other options. Also, we fight for power in relationships, and this complicates things a lot.
The point is "being" or "becoming" a functional person yourself. If you set boundaries with people you intact with in life, they will know how to relate with you, and then you create an atmosphere around you of people who will have an experience of honoring boundaries. Hopefully, they will then grow into more functional people.
@@josereyes1680 Unfortunately boundaries are the weak replacement for societal norms.
Amazing couple
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we’ve gone through several types of arguments. As I age I find that I’m a volotatile arguer due to my upbringing (single strict, mentally abusive mom) and my bf is super avoidant but I’d say his upbringing was much more “volatile” (gang violence, drug dealing, you name it). I try my best with patience and staying calm but I’m black…I’m passionate. I’m not unreasonably angry of course but bipolarism, and schizophrenia runs in my family which I struggle with too. I will say after all this time, I know I’m the problem. Sometimes all it takes is admitting this to yourself.
Good luck to you! I hope you're getting the help you need! That's a difficult challenge for any individual, much less a committed couple in a loving relationship!
Can a relationship with one person as volatile and one person as avoidant work or are they just not compatible?
Not compatible is a result of inability for both individuals to learn or grow their ability to deal with discomfort and communication styles...
Accusations and criticisms never happened in my 41 yr relationship....he passed away at 80.
I am really sorry to hear that the love of your life has passed. May your husband rest in peace.. big hug
I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience of a beautiful relationship and joyful life. That it’s possible to find someone where you can share a loving, happy, peaceful life together and tackle life’s challenges supporting one another. I am hopeful one day I can find that but for now I have to find my inner peace and tend to my inner child. I know we are all strong humans. I do believe if we can help one another more on a daily basis even a simple smile or asking how is your day , a hug, a listening ear, shoulder to cry on or a helping hand can go a long way to make this world a better place. ❤
I want to thank you for sending kind words..I was filled with sorrow but now it has turned mostly to deep gratitude to have had him that long...I know I was so very lucky.
Toxicity is born in relationships when inner childhood healing is not being actively addressed. Trauma is telling to who you attract and how you interact. Heal yoursrlf first, then you'll attract a deep level connection and energy that becomes natural. Thus creating boundless topics to discuss.
I think what is being ignored here is that avoidant, validating + volatile styles appear in totally different streams. And can overlap continually.
The avoidant can, in addressing a volatile issue with a validating person, become volatile him/herself. Then slip into validating with the response/reaction of the other person.
Nothing is fixed in stone.
I told a therapist once that I wanted to start taking notes when my partner spoke to me so I can make sure I am understanding things right, and my therapist called me a crazy person….
Great video but deceptive title.
"growing up together" is inappropriate because relationships are not for children. We're not talking about fully mature, we are talking about "grown up" as in fully developed physiologically and cognitively
I’m just exhausted from discussing politics. It’s beating a dead horse. That’s a topic where I believe it’s ok to “ agree to disagree”. Otherwise people spend valuable family time constantly arguing.
Oh i love her ❤
Trauma therapy with a narc doesn’t work. Been there and done there
Waste of time...no sincerity to say the least...😅
It seems the host may possibly have a bias or misunderstanding around volatiles.
His face when she said is your wife volatile?😭😂
The title doesn't seem to really fit the video.
I was a former believer in John Gottman & The Gottman Institute, purchasing/reading his books and spreading the news to others. Then, I began noticing on my Instagram that he was “liking” all of the Kardashians’s sexy, skimpy booty pictures all the time, with what seemed to be a particular kink-like obsession with Khloe Kardashian, and that’s when I realized that even with an education and having authored a couple books, he is no different than any other regular sleezeball; and just like that I became a nonbeliever. If that stuff makes these two happy, good on them 👍 but I will never, ever settle for a pervy partner. Better to be happy alone than miserable partnered.
Interesting….yeah not a good look for an old man to be following and liking Kardashian pics on IG. So strange…his wife is probably completely oblivious to his online activity 😬
He's clearly a passive partner in a domineering relationship. They seem "healthy" in an unhealthy way.. Almost like they're acting - they've memorised a few scripts and are living in that ideal...
The guy is quite passive and is probably quite suppressed.. He keeps the peace by sticking to
the script, but his mind and soul is elsewhere.. A lot of vacant stares whilst his wife is talking (and talking and talking and talking). He's living out his fantasies on Instagram (and possibly elsewhere)
What they say is technically true but they as a couple seem quite soulless, especially the guy.. He doesn't come across as "present"
Are you sure it was his real account? I feel like he’d at least be smart enough to not be that unprofessional publicly…
or maybe someone else is controlling the account..
@healing_awakening368 Even if it is his account and he did wrong, you should never give your power away. Why did you decide to be a nonbeliever? Because of him and his sleazy behavior, you decided to give up on faith & God? That's not right. Be strong. You know that what he did is disgusting & against our religion. Do the opposite. Stick with people who are like you. We don't need preachers and pastors when God is freely accessible
I doubt he’d have stayed that long in the relationship if he was unhappy!
The last question, when is good age for marriage... Marriage makes people ready for Marriage. It makes people grow a lot. So there's that.
some people get flooded right away
Soul... mind will & emotions. Doesn’t soulmate simply mean your souls match or compliment each others? That includes thoughts on the way to do marriage/life.