This is what I needed to hear. I get overwhelmed by other people's take on this topic. Yours seems so rational, encouraging and approachable. Thank you.
Unfortunately I learned this too late. I lost my relationship with an amazing person because I didn’t understand my attachment style. All I can do now is learn and grow!
Brilliant message to a dismissive avoidant ❤I watched another of your videos earlier. I had to walk away from my dismissive avoidant after trying to get her to relate, communicate but she had high covert narcissist traits and absolutely nothing I did pleased her, giving her all the space she wanted didn't work.Being supportive and loving didn't work. Trying to talk about the difficulties in the relationship only created an angry , denial and blaming response. It was like she'd expect me to work harder and harder to please her . I'm sure she enjoyed the drama, the breakups, the fun of the chase and the push away again cycles. It attacks your self esteem and self identity . I left for good.
True! It's something people with avoidant tendencies may need to get better at if they want to enjoy better relationships! It can go a long way in helping a more anxious person feel cared about.
@@drruthannharpur Communication is the thing they DON'T do... their triggers cause them to run/hide/shut down. They don't tell you anything... they just run. If you ask them why, whats wrong, what the hell.... you won't get ANY answers from them other than... I don't know/nothings wrong/no reason. They don't even REALIZE they are doing it. When they say... "I don't know" or "there's no reason", they truly MEAN that. When an Anxious person triggers and goes into hyper validation seeking mode.... its the same thing... they don't even REALIZE they are doing it. Whats WRONG, What HAPPENED, What did I DO, Do you even LOVE me? There is no REASON, no intent to do it... its INSTINCT that is ran by that part of your brain... the same part that controls "FIGHT/FLIGHT" responses.. The Avoidant and Anxious triggers are contained in that "Instinct' part of your brain... The BIGGEST battle to win is to KNOW and ADMIT you have a problem or issues. Until THAT happens... you are a drug addict that says they have no problem... they have to acknowlege the fact they HAVE issues and problems that NEED to be FIXED..... without the addict admitting the fact they are an ADDICT... there can be no fixing it. One of the EASIEST things that does a huge amount for Avoidant and Anxious is to have a "Cheat Code" for the Avoidant. " (Name) Shut the fuck up!" The Avoidant knows they have triggers and starting to feel smothered/overwhelmed by the Anxious smothering... When they feel the urge to withdraw/shut down/hide.... they can say (Name) Shut the FUCK Up! The Anxious will know EXACTLY why they said it, the REASON they said it, and What that phrase MEANS... instantly.... because you both have established that "Cheat Code" or "Safe word/phrase". The Anxious knows to back off and quit overloading the Avoidant without being TRIGGERED by the sdden/unannounced withdrawal of the Avoidant because they KNOW "Shut the fuck up" means they are being TOO MUCH and back off some... Instead of Emotional crap and continuing to smother with emotional crap.... if they hear SHUT THE FUCK UP... its instantly "So how's the weather?". If the Avoidant can get to the point they can SAY that when they start to feel the urge to shut down/withdraw and say it BEFORE they get completely overwhelmed and the Anxious backs off BEFORE pushing them to the breaking/trigger point.... they have a good chance of not completely "checking out" because both parties KNOW, and have COMMUNICATED every bit of ALL this in a single simple phrase "(Name) Shut the FUCK up!" .... It has to be the Avoidant that initiates the "shield" or "cheat code" because the Anxious will smother (its their thing) and the Avoidant HAS to be the one to say STFU! before they get too overwhelmed or they just get triggered and "check out" which triggers the Anxious even more to start SMOTHERING even more which triggers Avoidant to "check even further out" and the wheel rolls down an endless hill..... STFU! can literally stop the wheel from being rolled down the hill... if both people know, discuss and understnd the "safe phrase" or "cheat code" and both follow the rules surrounding it... it can save a SHIT TON of frustration and CONFLICT between Avoidant and Anxious partners!!!! The concept comes from the people who are into the "bondage" crap... The "Safe Word" is a solid "safety" for those into "bondage" and when said, the "pain" stops. (In theory lol).
Thanks so much for this. It's been so draining over the years trying to fix other people who don't seem to want to be fixed! It's really drained me. I also need my own space and I want people to grow on their own. I am never going to try and fix another human being again. I also dated avoidants, and oh my days they are difficult. I have been too accommodating to other people's needs and what I realised I also need to be fixed but not. I just need to be listened to. I need kindness but not to be fixed. I am also an avoidant. I missed the point. Wow. Thanks. Been searching for this video for about twenty years. I am the commitment phobe. I am attracting the commitment phobes. I get it now.
You're really good. So many self-help gurus are obviously just trying to meet the metrics of success. As such, they're just sensationalists. You are succinct and to the point, and don't clutter your advice with too many examples or too much information. You've nailed this problem and given practical advice without making people overthink it.
I lean avoidant myself, though I don't exhibit all the traits. I do enjoy my autonomy and independence, but I also enjoy being around large crowds of people. At the same time, I've found it's better to process your emotions in solitude and express what you learned from them to your partner rather than giving them the raw emotions themselves. It's worked for me for years and actually made me much tougher and resilient in the process.
So in other words you are pretty much a "Vulcan" in Star Trek.... they have ALL the emotions and even EXTREME levels of the emotions but they supress them and process them through logic and output the logic while not showing the raw emotions. Everyone thinks Vulcans have no emotions but they are very emotional people. They even have a desiese that tends to affect the "elderly" that cause them to lose their ability to supress the emotions... kind of like alzheimers or dementia for humans.
Oh this is truly, truly helpful... Just subbed to the channel, can't believe more people haven't found out this amazing content. But they will! Wish you the best. 😊
@@buti thank you so much - means so much to me to hear this! ❤️ You're right I am a small channel which means I also read every comment personally. If you have any suggestions for videos you would find helpful then please ask and I may well make a video for you ❤️
Thank you so much for this informative video! Called me right out there sis 😀 I used to be an extreme anxious type, then swung to this end of the spectrum after a bad breakup + psychoanalysing my history... wondered why I had the urge to burn so many bridges in the past year or so! This helped me understand my tendencies, as well as tips for better communication (: keep going sis, you're doing some great work here!
This really opened my eyes, I grew up not allowed to express my feelings i would literally get whooping for crying, the way i was taught how to tie my shoes my momma showed me once and then locked me in a room by myself and wouldnt let me leave until i figured it out. i could think of countless memories like this but i didnt really think much of it like i put it all in the back of my head until I watched this video. Im for sure gonna use all of these strategies I’m tired of pushing all my relationships away romantic and platonic I want to change
Also would have never looked into this kinda of stuff if it wasn’t for my Ex the only woman that truly ever cared about me and I pushed her away and she still wants to help me be a better person she’s truly God sent
@@Coolguy10o0 I'm glad you're exploring this stuff - even if your relationship with someone special is over, it can still be a catayst for better relationships in the future. I hope that's the case for you.
You are so welcome! Glad it was helpful - there are some more recent videos about attachment style too. Here's a playlist I'd you want to check them out: th-cam.com/play/PLz89eKTkEOLd1K5zv3SX__4tOByZCuGUX.html&si=eCVL-RuzfcR61iMB
The thought of asking my now ex-girlfriend for an entire weekend of time to myself is just unthinkable. There's no way she wouldn't have freaked out about that and accused me of not loving her enough or appreciating her. It's absolutely something I wanted to communicate sometimes, though.
You might find this video helpful: th-cam.com/video/bXuCi0Zh6ks/w-d-xo.html Hope you're able to enjoy a relationship that's better for you and your partner ❤
This is good video My ex boyfriend was Avoidant he didn’t knew about it, I just found it by myself. I kept telling him to tell me when he needs time but he kept discarding me 😢
@@Mali-12225 I can't give personal advice on TH-cam. Speaking only in generalities, I've never found it helpful to "diagnose" a partner, it's usually more fruitful to say how you feel as best you can and judge their reaction accordingly. As to whether you should try to discuss or walk away - what would you tell your best friend if they were in this situation?
As avoidant myself I can say for sure it is not good thing to have. And I only understand how bad it was after working with therapist for almost year to fix it
Idk I feel like I really do wanna share my own emotions and needs with others but they rarely show a willingness to listen, and that's why it's hard to open up, and it's hard to listen to the feelings of others because they don't take the time to listen to mine and they just want me to be a caretaking robot they can dump on. Not a flawed human with pain and insecurities. I push people away because they mistreat and devalue me and then I'm left feeling lonely and isolated over just having the most basic boundaries of autonomy. It's really not like how you're saying at all.
Thank you for commenting and I'm sorry to hear your experiences. A short video like this can only give some general suggestions and pointers that people may find helpful. It certainly cannot apply to any and all situations. For any relationship to flourish, both people need to be willing to take care of each other. If one party isn't then it may not matter what you do.
Hi, it sounds like maybe your more in the fearful avoidant category. Trying to reach out and connect but feeling hurt and pushing away, so you push and pull. It's horrible and confusing. I've found Thais Gibson Personal development school videos on this so helpful and joined the community. It's totally changed things for me. Have a look at some of the FA videos see if they fit for you more than this one.
Right?!?! I was literally about to make a comment because I don't feel like my trauma came from anything but actually interacting with humans lol. My parents were total green flags for the most part. So it's really been hard to even identify myself in these videos when everything starts with the parents. But I'm clearly an avoidant. Is it not possible to just pop out this way? Because I feel like people have been draining me since I was like, in first grade.
@@chrisanthemum7 There's some evidence that there's a genetic component to attachment style. An anxious or avoidant attachment style isn't a mental illness or pathological and attachment style isn't set in childhood. Our attachment patterns evolve throughout life. You might find this video interesting: th-cam.com/video/1AgXrdp3Le8/w-d-xo.html
I'm pretty sure I'm fearful avoidant. Different partners trigger an anxious or an avoidant reaction. It's odd because I have always thought of myself as anxious but I am starting to see avoidant tendencies.
I think the causes are complex. My widowed mother was quite narcissistic and I felt the responsiblity of trying to make her happy. Consequently, I made friends with people are are either emotionally unavailable and/or quite narcissistic which has further impacted my attachement style. I was shamed for having any needs so I am self-sufficient because I feel like it is my job to make others happy and have no needs. I resent it but it also helps me to feel "close" (when I really am not) and is actually a form of control. They don't know how I feel and most of them don't care or don't know how to be there emotionally. i.e. I remain safe behind my prison wall. It has taken me years to unpack this and own it and I have so much to do still.
@@gulliver7419 💯agree. These things are complex and if you have an over developed coping strategy (like keeping someone else happy), it does tend to attract the very people who reinforce it. I hope you're finding ways to build healthier relationships 🙏
I wanted my ex husband to hang out with his friends and go shooting or watch football but he started isolating himself with me. 😡 It's like they want to cling harder.
I unknowingly did this, I was trying to show her she and our relationship is important me. I had no idea I was making her and our relationship the center of my universe rather than keeping myself there. I'm learning how to undo that and not only build a better more fulfilling life also to not "make" another person my focal point or expect that.
@@MrsLiz it's very hard and imho only possible if the betraying partner is willing to acknowledge the harm done and work to win over truth. Sometimes trusting again isn't wise. I hope you're able to find a way forward for you 🙏
My avoidant doesnt take physical space, only emotional space. I think hes afraid of being alone, ever. He surrounds himself with male friends almost 24/7, and wants me around him all rhe time. But he literally is never alone with me, and is never alone at all.
@@drruthannharpur even when he's exhausted (which is frequently because he has a hard time sleeping) , he'll go to sleep on the couch in the living room with people around instead of going into a bedroom where he's alone. And when he does go in the bedroom alone, he'll often call and talk to me until he can't keep his eyes open. He also loves help, unlike a lot of avoidants who seem to be unable to ask for their needs. He can mobilize an army just to make dinner! He will very often invite me over and say he's making dinner for me, but when I get there, he's got 5 buddies over and they are making dinner. At the start of our relationship, I thought he was lazy, but then, when he had a big project, he'd get a dozen guys to help him work on it. They'd leave after 6 hours of doing hard labor, and he'd stay up for 24 hours or until he was too exhausted to keep going, in order to finish it. He will sometimes call me early in the morning as he's going to sleep after cleaning the house all night.
@drruthannharpur he will even sleep in the living room on the couch with people around, so he doesn't go in the bedroom and be alone. He will often call me at night and talk until he can't keep his eyes open. I think he does it so he's not alone as he's falling asleep.
All true. LDR ladies with NPD/BPD can get me in an LDR, but those aren't relationships. Those are games I got pulled into willingly. Dating a young lady now who is a promiscuous heroin addicted liar. It's interesting to observe. She stopped seeing other men the same week she had already been with 4 men. I told her to keep doing whatever she was doing. Later she said she is craving men again. I said go ahead and get men. Then she says she want to have sex with the separated husband. I tell her that's not so uncommon, go ahead. She stated at the beginning to not have expectations of her. That's narc talk for you will be brainwashed and compliant with full expectations to comply.
I don't think any avoidance are clicking on these videos about relationships. I think people who have been rejected abused and neglected by avoidant attachments in relationships are clicking on these videos. My husband would never ever look into himself or try to be better or try to heal or try to be accountable or try to be more self-aware lol. Because he's been avoidance and he avoids accountability he avoids intimacy He avoids emotions he avoids responsibility He literally avoids everything.
Your ex was a narcissist. I'm of the avoidance style and for that reason, I've never had a romantic relationship or fwb/ons that could lead the 'partner' to falling in love with me because I know I'm 'damaged'. I want to be normal, why can't I just be like the rest? I like being alone, but the truth is ... Deep down inside, I would like to share time with someone romantically as well. I do have friends now, already done 2 years of therapy, but romance is still frightening, so I don't ( online ) date. I am avoidant, not a narcissist.
Dismissive avoidant here. Been watching TH-cam videos on this attachment style all morning and all last weekend. Judging by the comments I see here there are far more avoidants participating than on other 'therapist' channels. However most of these channels seem to demonize and dramatise the avoidant traits to trigger the rejected and abused into commenting and thus boosting their TH-cam algorithm. Most of those commenting seem to me to have been involved with a person with BPD rather than an avoidant or have a very toxic personality trait themselves. No-one with an avoidant attachment style is going to find these videos if they dont even know what an attachment style is. I found out purely by chance. Before that I thought the way I related to people and the fact that I needed more quiet alone time was due to my isolation as an only child or possibly autism. But this all makes so much sense. You dont know what you dont know.
This is what I needed to hear. I get overwhelmed by other people's take on this topic. Yours seems so rational, encouraging and approachable. Thank you.
You're welcome and thank you for this lovely feedback 🙏
Unfortunately I learned this too late. I lost my relationship with an amazing person because I didn’t understand my attachment style. All I can do now is learn and grow!
We can all make mistakes - I hope you can forgive yourself and grow something new in your next relationship ❤🩹
Brilliant message to a dismissive avoidant ❤I watched another of your videos earlier. I had to walk away from my dismissive avoidant after trying to get her to relate, communicate but she had high covert narcissist traits and absolutely nothing I did pleased her, giving her all the space she wanted didn't work.Being supportive and loving didn't work. Trying to talk about the difficulties in the relationship only created an angry , denial and blaming response. It was like she'd expect me to work harder and harder to please her . I'm sure she enjoyed the drama, the breakups, the fun of the chase and the push away again cycles. It attacks your self esteem and self identity . I left for good.
Thank you for watching and glad you were able to get out of a relationship with these dynamics.
Transparency and context makes a big difference and is something avoidants dont naturally do when communicating decisions ahd plans.
True! It's something people with avoidant tendencies may need to get better at if they want to enjoy better relationships! It can go a long way in helping a more anxious person feel cared about.
@@drruthannharpur Communication is the thing they DON'T do... their triggers cause them to run/hide/shut down. They don't tell you anything... they just run. If you ask them why, whats wrong, what the hell.... you won't get ANY answers from them other than... I don't know/nothings wrong/no reason. They don't even REALIZE they are doing it. When they say... "I don't know" or "there's no reason", they truly MEAN that. When an Anxious person triggers and goes into hyper validation seeking mode.... its the same thing... they don't even REALIZE they are doing it. Whats WRONG, What HAPPENED, What did I DO, Do you even LOVE me?
There is no REASON, no intent to do it... its INSTINCT that is ran by that part of your brain... the same part that controls "FIGHT/FLIGHT" responses.. The Avoidant and Anxious triggers are contained in that "Instinct' part of your brain...
The BIGGEST battle to win is to KNOW and ADMIT you have a problem or issues. Until THAT happens... you are a drug addict that says they have no problem... they have to acknowlege the fact they HAVE issues and problems that NEED to be FIXED..... without the addict admitting the fact they are an ADDICT... there can be no fixing it.
One of the EASIEST things that does a huge amount for Avoidant and Anxious is to have a "Cheat Code" for the Avoidant. " (Name) Shut the fuck up!" The Avoidant knows they have triggers and starting to feel smothered/overwhelmed by the Anxious smothering... When they feel the urge to withdraw/shut down/hide.... they can say (Name) Shut the FUCK Up! The Anxious will know EXACTLY why they said it, the REASON they said it, and What that phrase MEANS... instantly.... because you both have established that "Cheat Code" or "Safe word/phrase". The Anxious knows to back off and quit overloading the Avoidant without being TRIGGERED by the sdden/unannounced withdrawal of the Avoidant because they KNOW "Shut the fuck up" means they are being TOO MUCH and back off some... Instead of Emotional crap and continuing to smother with emotional crap.... if they hear SHUT THE FUCK UP... its instantly "So how's the weather?".
If the Avoidant can get to the point they can SAY that when they start to feel the urge to shut down/withdraw and say it BEFORE they get completely overwhelmed and the Anxious backs off BEFORE pushing them to the breaking/trigger point.... they have a good chance of not completely "checking out" because both parties KNOW, and have COMMUNICATED every bit of ALL this in a single simple phrase "(Name) Shut the FUCK up!" ....
It has to be the Avoidant that initiates the "shield" or "cheat code" because the Anxious will smother (its their thing) and the Avoidant HAS to be the one to say STFU! before they get too overwhelmed or they just get triggered and "check out" which triggers the Anxious even more to start SMOTHERING even more which triggers Avoidant to "check even further out" and the wheel rolls down an endless hill.....
STFU! can literally stop the wheel from being rolled down the hill... if both people know, discuss and understnd the "safe phrase" or "cheat code" and both follow the rules surrounding it... it can save a SHIT TON of frustration and CONFLICT between Avoidant and Anxious partners!!!!
The concept comes from the people who are into the "bondage" crap... The "Safe Word" is a solid "safety" for those into "bondage" and when said, the "pain" stops. (In theory lol).
Thanks so much for this. It's been so draining over the years trying to fix other people who don't seem to want to be fixed! It's really drained me. I also need my own space and I want people to grow on their own. I am never going to try and fix another human being again. I also dated avoidants, and oh my days they are difficult. I have been too accommodating to other people's needs and what I realised I also need to be fixed but not. I just need to be listened to. I need kindness but not to be fixed. I am also an avoidant. I missed the point. Wow. Thanks. Been searching for this video for about twenty years. I am the commitment phobe. I am attracting the commitment phobes. I get it now.
@@PeaceInChrist23 you're welcome - thank you so much for commenting and sharing your experiences 🙏
You're really good. So many self-help gurus are obviously just trying to meet the metrics of success. As such, they're just sensationalists. You are succinct and to the point, and don't clutter your advice with too many examples or too much information. You've nailed this problem and given practical advice without making people overthink it.
Thank you for this! What lovely feedback🙏
I lean avoidant myself, though I don't exhibit all the traits. I do enjoy my autonomy and independence, but I also enjoy being around large crowds of people. At the same time, I've found it's better to process your emotions in solitude and express what you learned from them to your partner rather than giving them the raw emotions themselves. It's worked for me for years and actually made me much tougher and resilient in the process.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g thank you n for sharing - sounds like you've got some great ways to communicate with your partner that work well for you ❤️
So in other words you are pretty much a "Vulcan" in Star Trek.... they have ALL the emotions and even EXTREME levels of the emotions but they supress them and process them through logic and output the logic while not showing the raw emotions. Everyone thinks Vulcans have no emotions but they are very emotional people. They even have a desiese that tends to affect the "elderly" that cause them to lose their ability to supress the emotions... kind of like alzheimers or dementia for humans.
Oh this is truly, truly helpful... Just subbed to the channel, can't believe more people haven't found out this amazing content. But they will! Wish you the best. 😊
@@buti thank you so much - means so much to me to hear this! ❤️
You're right I am a small channel which means I also read every comment personally. If you have any suggestions for videos you would find helpful then please ask and I may well make a video for you ❤️
Thank you so much for this informative video! Called me right out there sis 😀 I used to be an extreme anxious type, then swung to this end of the spectrum after a bad breakup + psychoanalysing my history... wondered why I had the urge to burn so many bridges in the past year or so! This helped me understand my tendencies, as well as tips for better communication (: keep going sis, you're doing some great work here!
This really opened my eyes, I grew up not allowed to express my feelings i would literally get whooping for crying, the way i was taught how to tie my shoes my momma showed me once and then locked me in a room by myself and wouldnt let me leave until i figured it out. i could think of countless memories like this but i didnt really think much of it like i put it all in the back of my head until I watched this video. Im for sure gonna use all of these strategies I’m tired of pushing all my relationships away romantic and platonic I want to change
Also would have never looked into this kinda of stuff if it wasn’t for my Ex the only woman that truly ever cared about me and I pushed her away and she still wants to help me be a better person she’s truly God sent
@@Coolguy10o0 I'm glad you're exploring this stuff - even if your relationship with someone special is over, it can still be a catayst for better relationships in the future. I hope that's the case for you.
Came up with this video while trying to work on my attachment style. Thank you for sharing these tips. Very helpful.
You are so welcome! Glad it was helpful - there are some more recent videos about attachment style too. Here's a playlist I'd you want to check them out: th-cam.com/play/PLz89eKTkEOLd1K5zv3SX__4tOByZCuGUX.html&si=eCVL-RuzfcR61iMB
The thought of asking my now ex-girlfriend for an entire weekend of time to myself is just unthinkable. There's no way she wouldn't have freaked out about that and accused me of not loving her enough or appreciating her. It's absolutely something I wanted to communicate sometimes, though.
You might find this video helpful: th-cam.com/video/bXuCi0Zh6ks/w-d-xo.html Hope you're able to enjoy a relationship that's better for you and your partner ❤
This is good video
My ex boyfriend was Avoidant he didn’t knew about it, I just found it by myself.
I kept telling him to tell me when he needs time but he kept discarding me 😢
I'm glad the video was helpful and I hope you're able to enjoy a better relationship with someone new 🙏
@@drruthannharpur should I tell him he is avoidant & see if he changes or move on
@@Mali-12225 I can't give personal advice on TH-cam. Speaking only in generalities, I've never found it helpful to "diagnose" a partner, it's usually more fruitful to say how you feel as best you can and judge their reaction accordingly. As to whether you should try to discuss or walk away - what would you tell your best friend if they were in this situation?
As avoidant myself I can say for sure it is not good thing to have. And I only understand how bad it was after working with therapist for almost year to fix it
Such a good video, you share the message with so much love and non judgement. That am even moreeeee willing to work on this!!
Thank you - hope your work pays off 🙏
6:29 No, no, no, no. I never, ever had feelings of being stifled or overwhelmed. If I did I would have had something to work with.
Well perhaps you don't battle with fearful avoidance then.
@gulliver7419 No, I don't. The video is about avoidant attachment.
Idk I feel like I really do wanna share my own emotions and needs with others but they rarely show a willingness to listen, and that's why it's hard to open up, and it's hard to listen to the feelings of others because they don't take the time to listen to mine and they just want me to be a caretaking robot they can dump on. Not a flawed human with pain and insecurities. I push people away because they mistreat and devalue me and then I'm left feeling lonely and isolated over just having the most basic boundaries of autonomy. It's really not like how you're saying at all.
Thank you for commenting and I'm sorry to hear your experiences. A short video like this can only give some general suggestions and pointers that people may find helpful. It certainly cannot apply to any and all situations. For any relationship to flourish, both people need to be willing to take care of each other. If one party isn't then it may not matter what you do.
Hi, it sounds like maybe your more in the fearful avoidant category. Trying to reach out and connect but feeling hurt and pushing away, so you push and pull. It's horrible and confusing. I've found Thais Gibson Personal development school videos on this so helpful and joined the community. It's totally changed things for me. Have a look at some of the FA videos see if they fit for you more than this one.
Right?!?! I was literally about to make a comment because I don't feel like my trauma came from anything but actually interacting with humans lol. My parents were total green flags for the most part. So it's really been hard to even identify myself in these videos when everything starts with the parents. But I'm clearly an avoidant. Is it not possible to just pop out this way? Because I feel like people have been draining me since I was like, in first grade.
@@chrisanthemum7 There's some evidence that there's a genetic component to attachment style. An anxious or avoidant attachment style isn't a mental illness or pathological and attachment style isn't set in childhood. Our attachment patterns evolve throughout life. You might find this video interesting: th-cam.com/video/1AgXrdp3Le8/w-d-xo.html
This is how I feel, or they aren’t respected in the end anyway and they blame you for them crossing those boundaries…
Thank you, great video!
I believe this will help me in a great fasion
@@Kaapalkeens glad to hear that and thank you for commenting ❤️
I'm pretty sure I'm fearful avoidant. Different partners trigger an anxious or an avoidant reaction. It's odd because I have always thought of myself as anxious but I am starting to see avoidant tendencies.
I think the causes are complex. My widowed mother was quite narcissistic and I felt the responsiblity of trying to make her happy. Consequently, I made friends with people are are either emotionally unavailable and/or quite narcissistic which has further impacted my attachement style. I was shamed for having any needs so I am self-sufficient because I feel like it is my job to make others happy and have no needs. I resent it but it also helps me to feel "close" (when I really am not) and is actually a form of control. They don't know how I feel and most of them don't care or don't know how to be there emotionally. i.e. I remain safe behind my prison wall. It has taken me years to unpack this and own it and I have so much to do still.
@@gulliver7419 💯agree. These things are complex and if you have an over developed coping strategy (like keeping someone else happy), it does tend to attract the very people who reinforce it. I hope you're finding ways to build healthier relationships 🙏
I wanted my ex husband to hang out with his friends and go shooting or watch football but he started isolating himself with me. 😡 It's like they want to cling harder.
The more you push away, the more some people will cling - it's not a good dynamic for either party tbh.
I unknowingly did this, I was trying to show her she and our relationship is important me. I had no idea I was making her and our relationship the center of my universe rather than keeping myself there. I'm learning how to undo that and not only build a better more fulfilling life also to not "make" another person my focal point or expect that.
What if the person that caused me to become avoidant is the person I need to try to trust again? That’s difficult.
@@MrsLiz it's very hard and imho only possible if the betraying partner is willing to acknowledge the harm done and work to win over truth. Sometimes trusting again isn't wise. I hope you're able to find a way forward for you 🙏
My avoidant doesnt take physical space, only emotional space. I think hes afraid of being alone, ever. He surrounds himself with male friends almost 24/7, and wants me around him all rhe time. But he literally is never alone with me, and is never alone at all.
That is a common experience - thank you for sharing it ❤
@@drruthannharpur even when he's exhausted (which is frequently because he has a hard time sleeping) , he'll go to sleep on the couch in the living room with people around instead of going into a bedroom where he's alone. And when he does go in the bedroom alone, he'll often call and talk to me until he can't keep his eyes open.
He also loves help, unlike a lot of avoidants who seem to be unable to ask for their needs. He can mobilize an army just to make dinner! He will very often invite me over and say he's making dinner for me, but when I get there, he's got 5 buddies over and they are making dinner. At the start of our relationship, I thought he was lazy, but then, when he had a big project, he'd get a dozen guys to help him work on it. They'd leave after 6 hours of doing hard labor, and he'd stay up for 24 hours or until he was too exhausted to keep going, in order to finish it.
He will sometimes call me early in the morning as he's going to sleep after cleaning the house all night.
@drruthannharpur he will even sleep in the living room on the couch with people around, so he doesn't go in the bedroom and be alone. He will often call me at night and talk until he can't keep his eyes open. I think he does it so he's not alone as he's falling asleep.
❤❤❤❤❤
All true. LDR ladies with NPD/BPD can get me in an LDR, but those aren't relationships. Those are games I got pulled into willingly.
Dating a young lady now who is a promiscuous heroin addicted liar. It's interesting to observe. She stopped seeing other men the same week she had already been with 4 men. I told her to keep doing whatever she was doing. Later she said she is craving men again. I said go ahead and get men. Then she says she want to have sex with the separated husband. I tell her that's not so uncommon, go ahead.
She stated at the beginning to not have expectations of her. That's narc talk for you will be brainwashed and compliant with full expectations to comply.
I don't think any avoidance are clicking on these videos about relationships. I think people who have been rejected abused and neglected by avoidant attachments in relationships are clicking on these videos. My husband would never ever look into himself or try to be better or try to heal or try to be accountable or try to be more self-aware lol. Because he's been avoidance and he avoids accountability he avoids intimacy He avoids emotions he avoids responsibility He literally avoids everything.
Your ex was a narcissist.
I'm of the avoidance style and for that reason, I've never had a romantic relationship or fwb/ons that could lead the 'partner' to falling in love with me because I know I'm 'damaged'.
I want to be normal, why can't I just be like the rest? I like being alone, but the truth is ... Deep down inside, I would like to share time with someone romantically as well.
I do have friends now, already done 2 years of therapy, but romance is still frightening, so I don't ( online ) date. I am avoidant, not a narcissist.
Dismissive avoidant here. Been watching TH-cam videos on this attachment style all morning and all last weekend. Judging by the comments I see here there are far more avoidants participating than on other 'therapist' channels. However most of these channels seem to demonize and dramatise the avoidant traits to trigger the rejected and abused into commenting and thus boosting their TH-cam algorithm. Most of those commenting seem to me to have been involved with a person with BPD rather than an avoidant or have a very toxic personality trait themselves.
No-one with an avoidant attachment style is going to find these videos if they dont even know what an attachment style is. I found out purely by chance. Before that I thought the way I related to people and the fact that I needed more quiet alone time was due to my isolation as an only child or possibly autism. But this all makes so much sense.
You dont know what you dont know.
U don’t need the music
Avoidant attachment “style”? That’s what we are calling the practice who emotional neglecting now?