One key element here is that both partners want to fix it together. My experience is that the avoidant just avoids it all and lets it blow over then just go back to the same behaviors.
Thank you for commenting and 💯 agree.. you can only invite your partner to join the dance of creating a better relationship for both of you. If one of you isn't willing, there is no dance.
@And11992 I'm not sure how long you were with an anxiously attached person, but as one myself who was with a DA for 9 years I had many conversations with him about my needs, and his needs. I even remember him saying to me "I know what you need from me, but I can't give it to you or you're going to expect it all the time." Heck, just two weeks ago he sent me a paragraph begging me back with a list of promises of my needs he would fulfill, but he ghosted two days later. Says he had too much anxiety. Go figure! DA/FA doesnt matter, my point is that Anxiously attached people who are self aware will try to heal, until they become secure. And will have no issue talking about their needs when they are done trying to fulfill yours.
Thank you for the video. To summarize - anxious types are expected to work on relationships, caring about avoidants needs for autonomy, while avoidants can have their cake and eat it too - having a personal freedom, and having a security of relationships, all at the minimal cost of their effort. Got it!
This is what I swear I keep hearing over and over again and it gets me so mad. There’s very little talking about how avoidants “just need space” as if their behavior and mindset is not also causing friction. Pushing someone away is not normal or healthy. But then they change the words to “creating a boundary” I’m so lost and I’m the anxious attachment person so of course I’m over here once again thinking of the other person and trying to figure it out for them because most avoidants don’t even watch these kinds of videos
It’s utterly bizarre how the advice is always “forget your happiness and needs, suppress your feelings at all times and walk on egg shells constantly” to the anxious because the avoidant will run away if you sneeze suddenly.
I’m an anxious attachment, but it seems only brought out by my current dismissive avoidant partner. In my previous relationship, I never needed reassurance, affirmation, endless affection, nothing. I was able to function quite fine with my independence and my ex-husband did his own thing as well. We weren’t intimately or financially compatible and that’s why the relationship ended. In my current relationship, the silent treatment, avoidant behavior sparked a monster alive in me. I wasn’t used to having a partner who avoided communication and resolution. It’s turned me into someone I don’t like. And I don’t have a fear of abandonment or losing him. In fact, some days I wish he’d walk away so I can keep our kids and move on in peace. I think I fear more-so that if he left, it’s going to confirm the fears I have about myself not being good enough. I would be much better off without this man’s emotional coldness.
I'm the same! I used to be secure, then over 8 years of my wife shutting down mentally and emotionally after having kids, I convinced myself I could just deny my needs and survive, and protect my son from her, take care of all the housework and money. That we'd get through x phase and get to the light at the end of the tunnel. But the tunnel never ended. It wasn't deferring rewards or altruism. It was just suffering for no reason. One day I told my wife couldn't help anymore, to get therapy, and after that she went comparably cold and avoidant 90% of the time. Just when I'm ready to leave, she'll be who she used to be for a great day, then go back to being cold and dead. Now I'm hyper-attuned to every contact and rejection. I sometimes wish she would go back to being abusive so I'd know I was right to file for divorce, docs I've had for 2 years but didn't file. Am I just an overreacting anxious attached person? Am I so used to denying what I want that I'm wasting years more of my life married and alone? Am I just too depressed to start the painful process of divorce looking for excuses? Am I a romantic holding onto the idea of the person I married, and the hope that she'll find her way back? I don't know. I know I'm deeply, deeply unhappy. I know my 15 year anniversary is in exactly two months, and I don't feel like celebrating. I feel shame that I have put up with this for so long.
That’s honestly so relatable. I was an avoidant partner for most of my early dating. I didn’t like how much previous ex’s took so much of my time. Then I started dating a man who was far avoidant than me and I found myself shift into this extremely anxious person. What sucks is sometimes I will fall back into avoidant tendencies and pull away and then he pulls even farther 🤣 then I end up feeling super anxious
@@guru47piI’m so sorry for what you have been going through. I know the feeling of the tunnel never ending. I would suggest you try couples therapy and tell her how you have been feeling. If there’s no progress there than maybe you would be happier with a divorce
As a person who has quiet BPD I feel the same, but basically anxious as hell, especially if I starts to develop a FP. I swithch between the 2 depending on my mood and the person.
In any situation where some intimacy appears...we are either accepting or not... So this even has a reason... There is fear behind that... And from view of fear we have saved our response to this kind of getting closer. I would really prefer to look at OCD (Obessive Compulsion Disorder)
You give them space and the don't come back, depending on another person to make you feel better is the worst , you can do your part and they don't, the avoidants can leave at any time really and you will never know when it's really over if you depend on them they only care when they see you don't care to loose them.
I watched this and discussed the key points with my avoidant partner and we both have been doing so much better to show up for and understand each other's needs. Thank you for making this concise, giving hope and practical advice.
Hello this comment made me hopeful… dealt with avoidants in the past and I myself oscillate between anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. Would love an update regarding your avoidants commitment and consistency with the efforts of healing and showing up the way you need them? If you get the chance to reply, thank you in advance
Avoidants are so focused on testing their love interest to make sure he/she will be a good partner that they don’t even notice that in the process... THEY have become a terrible partner! We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person. I will not hide what I feel. I will NEVER sugarcoat what I say. Radical honesty is my highest calling and my greatest value. I only accept consistency. I deserve it. I accept nothing less than being treated as the queen I AM.
They are incredibly self absorbed and self filtered. If you cannot be authentic and express your feelings in your one significant relationship - what is the point. Avoid avoidants and move on.
So many people have insecure attachment. Attachment is also about your attachment to yourself so a dismissive avoidant type probably has poor self identity needing validation from outside so codependant ties play out. Only truthful communication can bring understanding about each others needs, behaviours and fears. Without communication there's always doubts, suspicions and insecurities. Feeling unsafe in unsafe circumstances is healthy and sometimes life saving. People can heal from insecure attachment only if the other partner is willing to work on their issues, if not it's best to leave and focus on your attachment to yourself, learning to be whole with self understanding, Compassion. I never understood that old term " My other half " We need to be a whole self to offer another, not a half self.Thanks for your video❤
This video helped me so much. I am so anxious!! But I get so frustrated with myself because I know it’s so important that she gets the space she needs, but sometimes it’s just so hard to keep myself from getting anxious.
I really appreciate how concise this analysis is - I've never seen this dynamic pared down to the basics so clearly. I had an "a-ha" moment similar to being a geometry classes and understanding that "a squared plus b squared = c squared." And I appreciated the concise descriptions of "steps in the right direction." Thank you!
My god, looks like I've been doing every single thing right and he, as fearful avoidant, is extremely immune to everything I do and say. Love is a losing game.
@@knitnpaint I think this is the most hurtful part of a relationship for me. It’s really like they don’t care and they are blinded by this don’t care so then they never be accountable for their own actions. They focus on how that person is gone and they feel better because they can go back to their avoidant behavior and never really learn. It’s heartbreaking to love someone but have to create your own boundary because of this.
I’m pretty anxious. I get avoidant when resentment builds up. My wife is avoidant. She doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge it or work on the relationship. I can’t imagine it being the best thing to leave because of this…
I wouldn't suggest that it was. We all make our own decisions about what's important to us and sometimes there's plenty of good in a relationship that outweighs some of the challenges we experience.
I’m anxious and my soon to be ex husband is avoidant. He never reassure me. I always felt alone in my relationship. I wish we had this information because our relationship got terrible. Thank you for the info
The more ground l give the further away he gets and the less any of my needs, basic needs, are met. l have nothing less to sacrifice and beginning to mirror avoidant behaviours myself. l'm done with following the breadcrumbs to nowhere and what feelings l had developed l'm suppressing and he's removing. Thought we had something good, maybe what we want but not what we need. My heart has been broken for a while and the scar tissue already formed, l'm done with carrying all the burden and giving but not receiving. Avoid the avoidant, because if they were truly willing to heal themselves they would've already met you halfway and not choose distance.
I'm both. Avoidants bring out my anxious style, and if they are anxious - I feel crowded and overwhelmed so pull away. Understanding that these aspects of me come from trauma and 'seeing' what I'm doing has closed me down. I've stopped dating entirely while I figure this out for myself. I want to be able to self soothe when with more avoidant types, and to stay present when my need to pull away arises. And more importantly, to establish and maintain boundaries in the beginning - using honesty and openness about what want, will or won't accept in a relationship. I'm not there yet but hope to become healthier in my approach. Both for any future partner, and for myself.
It seems to me that the avoidant is never vulnerable enough to admit to themselves that they need to work on their issues. So the anxiously attached person ends up doing all the work.
If the avoidant was able to experience vulnerability and intimacy then the anxious might feel fulfilled and go off doing there on things. If the avoidant is always avoiding and not commitment or growing then they won’t like the response and worry they get from the other side how can an anxious feel okay if they never know if they’re actually in a empathetic growing and committed relationship
You seem to highlight the need for independence as the driving force for avoidant attachment but that’s not what I’ve learned. Pretty sure it’s mostly about getting close to people triggering emotional dysregulation, which cause them to shut down. Am I wrong?
It's true but I'm dismissive avoidant woman, so feeling criticized, rejected, demands put on me that I feel I'm trying to perform or am not able to do like understanding or displaying my emotions.... This makes me feel disregulated because it hits a wound/story that even though I've build a hard shell and lots of skills, someone is seeing that I'm defective and broken, I'm not good enough.
Throw in codependency and u get the reality that many of us were psychologically groomed to be this way. As children we had to accommodate others needs while fearing not getting our needs met. Now let’s think about the disorganized attachment which shifts from anxious to avoidant. Now u have a recipe for disconnection on both sides. Unfortunately I see both trying to get love without the fear of loosing the other person or yourself. Love can’t be cultivated without trust ! Trust is always a risk.
All I do is navigate my way through the world... Doing my best, moment-to-moment, to endure the least amount of suffering as possible... And I keep doing that every day, just waiting to die. There's no joy, no hope, no happiness in my life. It's just pain and trauma and survival and misery. My heart is shattered. Rage and grief consume every cell of my being.
This is a temporary feeling. Do NOT give up. Believe me, this time next week / month you can feel so different. There IS joy to be experienced. You are loved by more people than you know. Chat to me any time ❤
Here’s one thing Most avoidants cheat or leave when threatened So How do you trust their supposed freedom? How do you know they will be honest and not just get with someone else?
You don’t! And that’s the scary part of relationships for anxious types is having to TRUST their partner and not put their self worth on them. For the FA at least in my experience, knowing that if I were to leave that they’d be ok brings me closer and makes me feel free within the relationship because I know I’m not their entire life. We all got healing to do, amiright? 😂❤
The best part about dating an avoidant is after they cheat or leave they’ll blame you for it. If n my experience, they’re absolutely allergic to accountability and self reflection.
I wonder why my avoidant is only avoidant with me? He isn't avoidant with anyone else..all his cousins and hus mom gets proper attention and attentivness, but if it comes to me he turns 100%avoidant special . Is it all avoidants such selective? Is this a regular trade of avoidants?
I think its because the relationship he has with his cousins and mother are more superficial. They will talk about sports, groceries, clothing, hobbies, pretty much everything except their emotions, their fears. They don't require the same deepness compared to a romantic relationship. They push the people away who they feel very close with. This closeness scares them because it requires them do feel certain emotions they have tried so hard to push away and never feel again. When they allow themselves to feel they will only get hurt. It's quite sad actually.
imo he’s only avoidant with you bc you both have built a foundation, he feels he can do/ say whatever and get away with it bc he feels the safety and security to whom he feels he can/ do/ say/ treat however/ whenever- it’s his internal control/ love ❤- manipulation- / not sure if I’m 💯 % however; I seem to be in this certain situation and it’s a matter of time- do i walk away or continue
Avoidant here, I know you guys hate us here. I don't like it either. My relations were ruined purely because of my actions and I keep hating myself more and more. I want to be a goddamn Anxious or secure or something, to always be attached, with, loved, whatever! All I feel from any love now is just how it will end as always, where I don't deserve this greatest happiness and where I don't even wanna start anymore. There is either this eternal clinginess which I love and like but eventually will be willing to get some free space. Or something that you can't even call relations if we talk about two avoidants. Neither of them want anything to do with dependence. Both are enough for selves, both don't trust each other. Both wanna be left alone. It's so annoying and I can't do anything about it. "Go to therapy" yeah, yeah I'm going. This isn't something you can quickly fix. And I don't know if I ever will be. God help all avoidants to finally accept the world as if and start trusting people.
@@Kaapalkeens thank you for sharing that. I certainly don't hate people with avoidant attachment patterns. I hope you can find ways to relate more securely with people who matter to you 🙏
I am both.Both Anxious and Aviodant. Then it gets really crazy. When I meet an anxious person I become avoidant and when I meet an avoidant I become anxious. But got hold of myself in 2021. Also because when I last met an avoidant, my body went on automatically and started to please people. Also see 50 years later. That this is the relationship I had with my anxious mother and people pleaser and my evasive father whom I did everything to be heard or seen. I will have to work with all my life. Get to know myself now. Because this is also a survivor programming. Even to never abandon myself either. Became an abandoholic. No more ever.
This is me and for the same reasons you mention. I’ve constantly cycled between severe self abandonment and phases of intentional consciousness and presence to show up for myself. It’s a daily practice. Wishing you all the best
@@ZeeGeeBee It is a work for life.I saw my own programing walk out of my body.It was an strange energy and i was fawning.And start to give and give.But i became so sick. So my body sad no.
Very anxious about everything I do say and trouble expressing the love I feel. Hard to touch my intimate one and wrap my arms around them.. constantly have to remind myself they love me even though logically I know I have trouble feeling it all
Do you do marriage counselling and Is there a way to directly hire you? My wife is definitely the anxious type and I'm definitely the avoidant one, communication can be difficult as i often shut down and i don't mean too. I really want to fix this, i can't imagine throwing away 17 years together 😢 Someone commented "My experience is that the avoidant just avoids it all and lets it blow over then just go back to the same behaviors." and they are 100% correct, this is what i want to stop. I hate myself for this behaviour yet keep bloody doing it -_-
i am an anxious and my ex is an avoidant. it was mutual agreement we will go li low for awhile because we kept clashing, after a month away.. i realized how I felt unattended, unloved, i always do everything, reach out to communicate what needs to be improved, asked her suggestions etc.. i was always there and she wasnt, bit in and out, hot and cold. a month later, we talked and i decided we be friends and work on ourselves. she lashed out big time-- first time i saw her like that. take note, she had multiple failed relationships and toxic ones..she even is aware she carries past traumas, baggages, fears and knows she needs prof help. after lashing out she broke up with me. leaving me confused asf, when all i did was be there for her and care for her well being, (while caring for myself and has multiple responsibilities) i tried to suggest we go for counseling but she always says reasons not to. i dont even demand even if she doesnt reply or msg for days giving her space..in the end i realized i lost and neglected myself because i loved her but it harmed me in the end hence, i offered friendship but she rejected it and ended the rel and even blocked me.
You are generous to offer your friendship. I hope you can take good care of yourself too - it sounds like you need a little care and compassion after what you have been through ❤🩹
@@drruthannharpurthank you so much. i am working on myself already. during the relationship i noticed my inner child trauma, anxious attachment and abandonment issues are resurfacing that is why i opt to hold back and offer friendship. i realized something is wrong with me and i didnt want to be toxic to my ex, because I love her so much and i dont want her to suffer again from a bad rel. me pulling back was protecting her from myself eventhou it seems different in an avoidants pov. I was even communicative and addressed how i felt and said my concerns but like i said she acted negatively., seen it as i was attacking her and leaving. Would you be so kind to tell me what went wrong in my approach? and why did my ex react that way? btw my ex mentioned that she chases red flag people and pushes away the green flag. to her, i am new to er being and doesnt know how to handle me. sidenote: i am dedicated and determined to change this anxious problem within me and heal my past wounds. i even finalized i wont date anyone until i fix and heal myself., to avoid hurting others and myself in the process. as for my ex, i heard she is dating someone new...
@@surgeonvicryl4872 If I understand you correctly, you're saying that you did everything "right" in terms of managing your relationship anxiety and your partner reacted very negatively to you. Would you be happy for me to make a video response to your question. Any video response would be general and not specific to you - as I don't know you! This would be a good question to ask your own therapist if you have one.
@@drruthannharpur yes its ok with me because I want to fix myself and understand where I went wrong. was it from the words I used? the approach? how can I approach an avoidant type that doesnt seem aggressive or come off as being misunderstood. because during the argument, she even labelled me as controlling,manipulative and possessive.. which I know are not true!! because i always ask her for suggestions, and her opinions. i dont impose my own ideas into her..my suggestion was to her deemed as controlling or a technique to manipulate her. at some point, i felt she made me feel accountable for all the hurt, traumas,pain her exs did to her. that i was paying for the sins the others did,she projected everything to me. despite all these, i knew she was operating from a wounded and ego part of herself, it was her defense mechanism in a wrong way. because she kept running from the problems and doesnt want to acknowledge that we need to fix the problem in our connection.
Yeah - f*k that. I suppose I’m the ‘anxious’ one or FA and been with my DA partner for 21 years. They never change!!! There is no incentive for them to change. All that the Anxious partner gets from requesting more understanding and empathy (as opposed to being dismissed and discarded and devalued constantly) is more heart ache. Because all the DA responds with is ‘but that’s how I feel! You don’t listen to me, I don’t feel valued’ blah blah. They just mirror it all back onto you and don’t take any responsibility for the fact that they constantly show contempt and disregard for anything you have to say. And - they never volunteer any opinion of their own anyway! At least my husband doesn’t. He has zero political opinions. Zero opinions about anything until he’s forced into giving a response. And yet he complains about his opinion not being listened to. Be good if there was actually something to listen to beside the sound of a stonewall. I’m done. I’m over it. I have to find a way out of this hellish relationship I’m in.
As an avoidant i can say that we really cant help it. I grew up very alone and had to be this sort of independent. I guess im the bad guy but frankly a clever anxious partner is constantly trying to build in ways to hold the avoidant in place. These things arent based in the developing the relationship but instead are just clever traps. You find yourself loving and caring for the person but too often it feels as though they are just laying down in front of the car to keep you around. Sorry but that doesnt inspire love. Some folks are just loners
@@kigenm247 I’ve experienced that in a relationship with an avoidant woman. Saw red flag after red flag that her “me” time was spent doing other activities …. with other men.
what do you do if you KNOW youre avoidant. im trying to be closer to my partner but thats all it feels like most of the time, effort. a task. I like em a lot.
Thank you for commenting - this video might be interesting for you if you haven't already seen it. I hope it is helpful th-cam.com/video/VOnmY6hZZI8/w-d-xo.html
Any advice on how to approach this topic when one partner is highly spiritual? I mentioned this to him and he got caught up on the word "attachment," as that's something his meditative practice tries to have very little of in the first place. Yes, he is the avoidant one in relationships, surprise. surprise. I've been trying to describe this as a tool which can help resolve conflict and give a roadmap of how to behave. He is very resistant to modern psychology concepts which deal with handling conflict, such as examining our love language styles, which I feel reflects his emotional immaturity, but I don't want to come off as dismissing his personal spiritual practice when I point this out.
Your guy is 'attached' to his spiritual 'ego', and in my opinion the worst form of attachment. So I'd suggest you work on yourself and not make him the center of your universe ❤
Yes I would personally love a video on this topic!! I love the bouddhist approach and I meditate a bit but I get so confused between being told that attachement causes suffering and at the same time being told I have attachement needs in relarionships! It's so confusing @@drruthannharpur
@@freestylelaila Thank you for this - I am travelling for the next couple of weeks but I will give this some thought and try to make a video about it in August!
![[TH] VALORANT Champions Seoul - Grand Final - EDG vs TH](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/WvObMc9VelI/mqdefault.jpg)
One key element here is that both partners want to fix it together. My experience is that the avoidant just avoids it all and lets it blow over then just go back to the same behaviors.
Thank you for commenting and 💯 agree.. you can only invite your partner to join the dance of creating a better relationship for both of you. If one of you isn't willing, there is no dance.
Have you met one who is willing? Lol / doesn’t exist
In my experience the anxious doesn't communicate their needs properly and gets resentful to the point that they don't want to even work it out so... 😅
@And11992 I'm not sure how long you were with an anxiously attached person, but as one myself who was with a DA for 9 years I had many conversations with him about my needs, and his needs. I even remember him saying to me "I know what you need from me, but I can't give it to you or you're going to expect it all the time." Heck, just two weeks ago he sent me a paragraph begging me back with a list of promises of my needs he would fulfill, but he ghosted two days later. Says he had too much anxiety. Go figure! DA/FA doesnt matter, my point is that Anxiously attached people who are self aware will try to heal, until they become secure. And will have no issue talking about their needs when they are done trying to fulfill yours.
100%
Thank you for the video. To summarize - anxious types are expected to work on relationships, caring about avoidants needs for autonomy, while avoidants can have their cake and eat it too - having a personal freedom, and having a security of relationships, all at the minimal cost of their effort. Got it!
This is what I swear I keep hearing over and over again and it gets me so mad. There’s very little talking about how avoidants “just need space” as if their behavior and mindset is not also causing friction. Pushing someone away is not normal or healthy. But then they change the words to “creating a boundary” I’m so lost and I’m the anxious attachment person so of course I’m over here once again thinking of the other person and trying to figure it out for them because most avoidants don’t even watch these kinds of videos
It’s utterly bizarre how the advice is always “forget your happiness and needs, suppress your feelings at all times and walk on egg shells constantly” to the anxious because the avoidant will run away if you sneeze suddenly.
I’m an anxious attachment, but it seems only brought out by my current dismissive avoidant partner. In my previous relationship, I never needed reassurance, affirmation, endless affection, nothing. I was able to function quite fine with my independence and my ex-husband did his own thing as well. We weren’t intimately or financially compatible and that’s why the relationship ended. In my current relationship, the silent treatment, avoidant behavior sparked a monster alive in me. I wasn’t used to having a partner who avoided communication and resolution. It’s turned me into someone I don’t like. And I don’t have a fear of abandonment or losing him. In fact, some days I wish he’d walk away so I can keep our kids and move on in peace. I think I fear more-so that if he left, it’s going to confirm the fears I have about myself not being good enough. I would be much better off without this man’s emotional coldness.
I'm the same! I used to be secure, then over 8 years of my wife shutting down mentally and emotionally after having kids, I convinced myself I could just deny my needs and survive, and protect my son from her, take care of all the housework and money. That we'd get through x phase and get to the light at the end of the tunnel. But the tunnel never ended. It wasn't deferring rewards or altruism. It was just suffering for no reason.
One day I told my wife couldn't help anymore, to get therapy, and after that she went comparably cold and avoidant 90% of the time.
Just when I'm ready to leave, she'll be who she used to be for a great day, then go back to being cold and dead. Now I'm hyper-attuned to every contact and rejection. I sometimes wish she would go back to being abusive so I'd know I was right to file for divorce, docs I've had for 2 years but didn't file.
Am I just an overreacting anxious attached person?
Am I so used to denying what I want that I'm wasting years more of my life married and alone?
Am I just too depressed to start the painful process of divorce looking for excuses?
Am I a romantic holding onto the idea of the person I married, and the hope that she'll find her way back?
I don't know.
I know I'm deeply, deeply unhappy. I know my 15 year anniversary is in exactly two months, and I don't feel like celebrating. I feel shame that I have put up with this for so long.
That’s honestly so relatable. I was an avoidant partner for most of my early dating. I didn’t like how much previous ex’s took so much of my time. Then I started dating a man who was far avoidant than me and I found myself shift into this extremely anxious person. What sucks is sometimes I will fall back into avoidant tendencies and pull away and then he pulls even farther 🤣 then I end up feeling super anxious
@@guru47piI’m so sorry for what you have been going through. I know the feeling of the tunnel never ending. I would suggest you try couples therapy and tell her how you have been feeling. If there’s no progress there than maybe you would be happier with a divorce
Chances are she wouldn’t like the idea of couple therapy. They know their actions are causing pain to their partners but they can’t help it.
Exactly!!
Anxious most of the time. When resentment builds because of my overwhelming anxiety, I become dismissive and avoidant.
Definitely not an usual pattern!
As a person who has quiet BPD I feel the same, but basically anxious as hell, especially if I starts to develop a FP. I swithch between the 2 depending on my mood and the person.
In any situation where some intimacy appears...we are either accepting or not... So this even has a reason... There is fear behind that... And from view of fear we have saved our response to this kind of getting closer. I would really prefer to look at OCD (Obessive Compulsion Disorder)
Me too
Fa leaning anxious
You give them space and the don't come back, depending on another person to make you feel better is the worst , you can do your part and they don't, the avoidants can leave at any time really and you will never know when it's really over if you depend on them they only care when they see you don't care to loose them.
I watched this and discussed the key points with my avoidant partner and we both have been doing so much better to show up for and understand each other's needs.
Thank you for making this concise, giving hope and practical advice.
That's amazing - so pleased for you both 🥰
Hello this comment made me hopeful… dealt with avoidants in the past and I myself oscillate between anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. Would love an update regarding your avoidants commitment and consistency with the efforts of healing and showing up the way you need them? If you get the chance to reply, thank you in advance
Avoidants are so focused on testing their love interest
to make sure he/she will be a good partner
that they don’t even notice that in the process...
THEY have become a terrible partner!
We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person.
I will not hide what I feel.
I will NEVER sugarcoat what I say.
Radical honesty is my highest calling and my greatest value.
I only accept consistency. I deserve it. I accept nothing less than being treated as the queen I AM.
They are incredibly self absorbed and self filtered.
If you cannot be authentic and express your feelings in your one significant relationship - what is the point. Avoid avoidants and move on.
Y'all need to heal lol
Wish it was a laughing matter.
U just described what my bf just told me a few weeks ago omg... What should I do... I'm exhausted
i think i’m done with relationships and just buy a goldfish 😂
So many people have insecure attachment. Attachment is also about your attachment to yourself so a dismissive avoidant type probably has poor self identity needing validation from outside so codependant ties play out. Only truthful communication can bring understanding about each others needs, behaviours and fears. Without communication there's always doubts, suspicions and insecurities. Feeling unsafe in unsafe circumstances is healthy and sometimes life saving. People can heal from insecure attachment
only if the other partner is willing to work on their issues, if not it's best to leave and focus on your attachment to yourself, learning to be whole with self understanding, Compassion. I never understood that old term " My other half " We need to be a whole self to offer another, not a half self.Thanks for your video❤
Avoidants are anxious in disguise it seems to me. They’ve just been hurt more.
My other half is not an old term, it's still used by everyone in my country. It just means the other person in your relationship.. its not that deep
This video helped me so much. I am so anxious!! But I get so frustrated with myself because I know it’s so important that she gets the space she needs, but sometimes it’s just so hard to keep myself from getting anxious.
Search up this video... (A man's guide to ending anxious attatchment)
I really appreciate how concise this analysis is - I've never seen this dynamic pared down to the basics so clearly. I had an "a-ha" moment similar to being a geometry classes and understanding that "a squared plus b squared = c squared." And I appreciated the concise descriptions of "steps in the right direction." Thank you!
My god, looks like I've been doing every single thing right and he, as fearful avoidant, is extremely immune to everything I do and say. Love is a losing game.
Thank you for commenting ❤
I feel you. There seems to be no end to his avoidant behavior.
I wait and wait and can't get through.
@@knitnpaint I think this is the most hurtful part of a relationship for me. It’s really like they don’t care and they are blinded by this don’t care so then they never be accountable for their own actions. They focus on how that person is gone and they feel better because they can go back to their avoidant behavior and never really learn. It’s heartbreaking to love someone but have to create your own boundary because of this.
@@madisonashley9430 Yes, heartbreaking. It takes time to heal and was devastating to me and my health. So sorry you had to go through this💔.
Sometimes they don't care enough. Make room for someone who will❤
Great video, I'm happy able to communicate so well with my avoidant partner.
That's great! 🙌
I’m pretty anxious. I get avoidant when resentment builds up. My wife is avoidant. She doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge it or work on the relationship. I can’t imagine it being the best thing to leave because of this…
I wouldn't suggest that it was. We all make our own decisions about what's important to us and sometimes there's plenty of good in a relationship that outweighs some of the challenges we experience.
I’m anxious and my soon to be ex husband is avoidant. He never reassure me. I always felt alone in my relationship. I wish we had this information because our relationship got terrible. Thank you for the info
You're welcome - hope this new beginning leads to better relationships for you 🙏
You will soon be "HAPPILY DIVORCED"!
Enjoy it! 💃🏻💆🏻♀️🥰🙋🏻♀️
The more ground l give the further away he gets and the less any of my needs, basic needs, are met. l have nothing less to sacrifice and beginning to mirror avoidant behaviours myself.
l'm done with following the breadcrumbs to nowhere and what feelings l had developed l'm suppressing and he's removing.
Thought we had something good, maybe what we want but not what we need.
My heart has been broken for a while and the scar tissue already formed, l'm done with carrying all the burden and giving but not receiving.
Avoid the avoidant, because if they were truly willing to heal themselves they would've already met you halfway and not choose distance.
I'm both. Avoidants bring out my anxious style, and if they are anxious - I feel crowded and overwhelmed so pull away. Understanding that these aspects of me come from trauma and 'seeing' what I'm doing has closed me down. I've stopped dating entirely while I figure this out for myself. I want to be able to self soothe when with more avoidant types, and to stay present when my need to pull away arises. And more importantly, to establish and maintain boundaries in the beginning - using honesty and openness about what want, will or won't accept in a relationship.
I'm not there yet but hope to become healthier in my approach. Both for any future partner, and for myself.
Great content, very helpful. your background music is very distracting. your content is good enough that you do not need it.
Why does the anxious person have to do all the work?
They shouldn't have to ... I hope the video makes clear that both parties need to be involved to build a more secure relationship 🙏
I feel this way too
That's what it feels like
It seems to me that the avoidant is never vulnerable enough to admit to themselves that they need to work on their issues. So the anxiously attached person ends up doing all the work.
If the avoidant was able to experience vulnerability and intimacy then the anxious might feel fulfilled and go off doing there on things. If the avoidant is always avoiding and not commitment or growing then they won’t like the response and worry they get from the other side how can an anxious feel okay if they never know if they’re actually in a empathetic growing and committed relationship
You seem to highlight the need for independence as the driving force for avoidant attachment but that’s not what I’ve learned. Pretty sure it’s mostly about getting close to people triggering emotional dysregulation, which cause them to shut down. Am I wrong?
It's true but I'm dismissive avoidant woman, so feeling criticized, rejected, demands put on me that I feel I'm trying to perform or am not able to do like understanding or displaying my emotions.... This makes me feel disregulated because it hits a wound/story that even though I've build a hard shell and lots of skills, someone is seeing that I'm defective and broken, I'm not good enough.
I’m an anxious, with an avoidant. After about 7 years, I’m divorcing.
This helped me so much, I could cry, ive been so lost. Thank you!
You're welcome - so pleased this was helpful to you 🙏
❤❤❤ thank you for commenting 🙏
Throw in codependency and u get the reality that many of us were psychologically groomed to be this way. As children we had to accommodate others needs while fearing not getting our needs met. Now let’s think about the disorganized attachment which shifts from anxious to avoidant. Now u have a recipe for disconnection on both sides. Unfortunately I see both trying to get love without the fear of loosing the other person or yourself. Love can’t be cultivated without trust ! Trust is always a risk.
All I do is navigate my way through the world...
Doing my best, moment-to-moment,
to endure the least amount of suffering as possible...
And I keep doing that every day, just waiting to die.
There's no joy, no hope, no happiness in my life.
It's just pain and trauma and survival and misery.
My heart is shattered.
Rage and grief consume every cell of my being.
This is a temporary feeling. Do NOT give up. Believe me, this time next week / month you can feel so different. There IS joy to be experienced. You are loved by more people than you know. Chat to me any time ❤
Thanks a lot! so precisely helpful
Thank you 🙏
Or take your self respect and leave. No reason to stick around someone not loveable. Find someone who actually likes you.
Not loveable is crazy
Here’s one thing
Most avoidants cheat or leave when threatened
So
How do you trust their supposed freedom?
How do you know they will be honest and not just get with someone else?
You don’t! And that’s the scary part of relationships for anxious types is having to TRUST their partner and not put their self worth on them. For the FA at least in my experience, knowing that if I were to leave that they’d be ok brings me closer and makes me feel free within the relationship because I know I’m not their entire life. We all got healing to do, amiright? 😂❤
The best part about dating an avoidant is after they cheat or leave they’ll blame you for it. If n my experience, they’re absolutely allergic to accountability and self reflection.
This is greatness
I wonder why my avoidant is only avoidant with me? He isn't avoidant with anyone else..all his cousins and hus mom gets proper attention and attentivness, but if it comes to me he turns 100%avoidant special .
Is it all avoidants such selective?
Is this a regular trade of avoidants?
Its Normal (being a avoidant-anxious myself)
I can't say anything about individuals I've never met but getting close can be the trigger for wanting to get away
I think its because the relationship he has with his cousins and mother are more superficial. They will talk about sports, groceries, clothing, hobbies, pretty much everything except their emotions, their fears. They don't require the same deepness compared to a romantic relationship. They push the people away who they feel very close with. This closeness scares them because it requires them do feel certain emotions they have tried so hard to push away and never feel again. When they allow themselves to feel they will only get hurt. It's quite sad actually.
imo he’s only avoidant with you bc you both have built a foundation, he feels he can do/ say whatever and get away with it bc he feels the safety and security to whom he feels he can/ do/ say/ treat however/ whenever- it’s his internal control/ love ❤- manipulation- / not sure if I’m 💯 % however; I seem to be in this certain situation and it’s a matter of time- do i walk away or continue
Because of different needs here
Avoidant here, I know you guys hate us here.
I don't like it either.
My relations were ruined purely because of my actions and I keep hating myself more and more.
I want to be a goddamn Anxious or secure or something, to always be attached, with, loved, whatever!
All I feel from any love now is just how it will end as always, where I don't deserve this greatest happiness and where I don't even wanna start anymore.
There is either this eternal clinginess which I love and like but eventually will be willing to get some free space.
Or something that you can't even call relations if we talk about two avoidants.
Neither of them want anything to do with dependence. Both are enough for selves, both don't trust each other.
Both wanna be left alone.
It's so annoying and I can't do anything about it.
"Go to therapy" yeah, yeah I'm going. This isn't something you can quickly fix. And I don't know if I ever will be.
God help all avoidants to finally accept the world as if and start trusting people.
@@Kaapalkeens thank you for sharing that. I certainly don't hate people with avoidant attachment patterns. I hope you can find ways to relate more securely with people who matter to you 🙏
@@drruthannharpur thank you, your help is one of the ways I overcome this 🙏
I am both.Both Anxious and Aviodant. Then it gets really crazy. When I meet an anxious person I become avoidant and when I meet an avoidant I become anxious. But got hold of myself in 2021. Also because when I last met an avoidant, my body went on automatically and started to please people. Also see 50 years later. That this is the relationship I had with my anxious mother and people pleaser and my evasive father whom I did everything to be heard or seen. I will have to work with all my life. Get to know myself now. Because this is also a survivor programming. Even to never abandon myself either. Became an abandoholic. No more ever.
This is me and for the same reasons you mention. I’ve constantly cycled between severe self abandonment and phases of intentional consciousness and presence to show up for myself. It’s a daily practice. Wishing you all the best
@@ZeeGeeBee It is a work for life.I saw my own programing walk out of my body.It was an strange energy and i was fawning.And start to give and give.But i became so sick. So my body sad no.
Well what does a Avoidant Avoidant attachment style relationship look like?
Rollercoaster
Internal Validation ❤
Very anxious about everything I do say and trouble expressing the love I feel. Hard to touch my intimate one and wrap my arms around them.. constantly have to remind myself they love me even though logically I know I have trouble feeling it all
How many avoidants do actually know they are avoidants? Someone who thinks has no problem will never look for a solution.
Same goes for anxious types thinking they're the only victim
This video is amazing
So glad you enjoyed it ❤️
Do you do marriage counselling and Is there a way to directly hire you? My wife is definitely the anxious type and I'm definitely the avoidant one, communication can be difficult as i often shut down and i don't mean too. I really want to fix this, i can't imagine throwing away 17 years together 😢
Someone commented "My experience is that the avoidant just avoids it all and lets it blow over then just go back to the same behaviors." and they are 100% correct, this is what i want to stop. I hate myself for this behaviour yet keep bloody doing it -_-
@@jl5177 I do - what I can offer depends on where you are in the world but happy to discuss.
You can contact me here: www.ruthannharpur.co.uk/contact
@@drruthannharpur Brilliant thankyou
I am avoidant untill I am in relationship and then I am anxious.. Is that common or I’m really in problem?!😑
i am an anxious and my ex is an avoidant. it was mutual agreement we will go li low for awhile because we kept clashing, after a month away.. i realized how I felt unattended, unloved, i always do everything, reach out to communicate what needs to be improved, asked her suggestions etc.. i was always there and she wasnt, bit in and out, hot and cold. a month later, we talked and i decided we be friends and work on ourselves. she lashed out big time-- first time i saw her like that. take note, she had multiple failed relationships and toxic ones..she even is aware she carries past traumas, baggages, fears and knows she needs prof help. after lashing out she broke up with me.
leaving me confused asf, when all i did was be there for her and care for her well being, (while caring for myself and has multiple responsibilities) i tried to suggest we go for counseling but she always says reasons not to. i dont even demand even if she doesnt reply or msg for days giving her space..in the end i realized i lost and neglected myself because i loved her but it harmed me in the end hence, i offered friendship but she rejected it and ended the rel and even blocked me.
You are generous to offer your friendship. I hope you can take good care of yourself too - it sounds like you need a little care and compassion after what you have been through ❤🩹
@@drruthannharpurthank you so much. i am working on myself already. during the relationship i noticed my inner child trauma, anxious attachment and abandonment issues are resurfacing that is why i opt to hold back and offer friendship. i realized something is wrong with me and i didnt want to be toxic to my ex, because I love her so much and i dont want her to suffer again from a bad rel. me pulling back was protecting her from myself eventhou it seems different in an avoidants pov.
I was even communicative and addressed how i felt and said my concerns but like i said she acted negatively., seen it as i was attacking her and leaving.
Would you be so kind to tell me what went wrong in my approach? and why did my ex react that way? btw my ex mentioned that she chases red flag people and pushes away the green flag. to her, i am new to er being and doesnt know how to handle me.
sidenote: i am dedicated and determined to change this anxious problem within me and heal my past wounds. i even finalized i wont date anyone until i fix and heal myself., to avoid hurting others and myself in the process.
as for my ex, i heard she is dating someone new...
@@surgeonvicryl4872 If I understand you correctly, you're saying that you did everything "right" in terms of managing your relationship anxiety and your partner reacted very negatively to you. Would you be happy for me to make a video response to your question. Any video response would be general and not specific to you - as I don't know you!
This would be a good question to ask your own therapist if you have one.
@@drruthannharpur yes its ok with me because I want to fix myself and understand where I went wrong. was it from the words I used? the approach? how can I approach an avoidant type that doesnt seem aggressive or come off as being misunderstood.
because during the argument, she even labelled me as controlling,manipulative and possessive.. which I know are not true!! because i always ask her for suggestions, and her opinions. i dont impose my own ideas into her..my suggestion was to her deemed as controlling or a technique to manipulate her.
at some point, i felt she made me feel accountable for all the hurt, traumas,pain her exs did to her. that i was paying for the sins the others did,she projected everything to me. despite all these, i knew she was operating from a wounded and ego part of herself, it was her defense mechanism in a wrong way. because she kept running from the problems and doesnt want to acknowledge that we need to fix the problem in our connection.
@@surgeonvicryl4872 I will make a video about this in the next few weeks 🙏
Yeah - f*k that. I suppose I’m the ‘anxious’ one or FA and been with my DA partner for 21 years. They never change!!! There is no incentive for them to change. All that the Anxious partner gets from requesting more understanding and empathy (as opposed to being dismissed and discarded and devalued constantly) is more heart ache. Because all the DA responds with is ‘but that’s how I feel! You don’t listen to me, I don’t feel valued’ blah blah. They just mirror it all back onto you and don’t take any responsibility for the fact that they constantly show contempt and disregard for anything you have to say. And - they never volunteer any opinion of their own anyway! At least my husband doesn’t. He has zero political opinions. Zero opinions about anything until he’s forced into giving a response. And yet he complains about his opinion not being listened to. Be good if there was actually something to listen to beside the sound of a stonewall.
I’m done. I’m over it. I have to find a way out of this hellish relationship I’m in.
I prefer to be alone relationships sucks
As an avoidant i can say that we really cant help it. I grew up very alone and had to be this sort of independent. I guess im the bad guy but frankly a clever anxious partner is constantly trying to build in ways to hold the avoidant in place. These things arent based in the developing the relationship but instead are just clever traps. You find yourself loving and caring for the person but too often it feels as though they are just laying down in front of the car to keep you around. Sorry but that doesnt inspire love. Some folks are just loners
Avoidant personality disorder is a mental health illness, people with brain issues
their independence does not mean sleeping with other people btw 😂
Hopefully goes without saying! Unless you've mutually decided that you want to have an open relationship
@@kigenm247 I’ve experienced that in a relationship with an avoidant woman. Saw red flag after red flag that her “me” time was spent doing other activities …. with other men.
what do you do if you KNOW youre avoidant. im trying to be closer to my partner but thats all it feels like most of the time, effort. a task. I like em a lot.
Thank you for commenting - this video might be interesting for you if you haven't already seen it. I hope it is helpful
th-cam.com/video/VOnmY6hZZI8/w-d-xo.html
No wonder divorce rate is 60%. Nobody has a solution to relationships. Its getting worse due to on line dating and she doesnt need a man.
With avoidants is 99% divorce rate if not 100% they’re sick
And what is someone is both, or 'disorganized attachment style'?
I'd suggest drawing on strategies that are relevant to both avoidant and anxious attachment patterns 🙏
Any advice on how to approach this topic when one partner is highly spiritual? I mentioned this to him and he got caught up on the word "attachment," as that's something his meditative practice tries to have very little of in the first place. Yes, he is the avoidant one in relationships, surprise. surprise. I've been trying to describe this as a tool which can help resolve conflict and give a roadmap of how to behave. He is very resistant to modern psychology concepts which deal with handling conflict, such as examining our love language styles, which I feel reflects his emotional immaturity, but I don't want to come off as dismissing his personal spiritual practice when I point this out.
Hi, would you be happy for me to make a video response to this question?
Your guy is 'attached' to his spiritual 'ego', and in my opinion the worst form of attachment. So I'd suggest you work on yourself and not make him the center of your universe ❤
Yes I would personally love a video on this topic!! I love the bouddhist approach and I meditate a bit but I get so confused between being told that attachement causes suffering and at the same time being told I have attachement needs in relarionships! It's so confusing @@drruthannharpur
@@freestylelaila Thank you for this - I am travelling for the next couple of weeks but I will give this some thought and try to make a video about it in August!
You might appreciate this take: th-cam.com/video/zh-0uPiPA0I/w-d-xo.html I have some more videos coming on this topic too @mretie
❤❤❤❤
It sounds like these people are bad to be with period