You described my husband at the very end. Rigid fragile ego, personality disorder. He is willing to go to counseling but not sure what counselor we need to look for to help him.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I recommend checking out “emotionally focused therapy”. It’s one of the most effective forms of therapy in relationships.
It really helped me to hear the part about how open hearts must relinquish their control in order to receive. That was absolutely healing for me. The question I have for you now is, how should an open heart respond if their avoidant partner wants to leave stating ‘you’re too good for me?’
100% true. My best friend/ex fiance of 17 years is doing that to me right now. I want to get back together after circumstances forced us apart and back in the same household 7 months later. She wound up staying with a guy she met on Hinge right before we got together and started dating him. He broke up with her in January this year and came back to me. She responds by ditching without so much as a word back to her ex's place for the last 2 months and says it's because I'm always "up her ass" as she puts it. Discovered attachment science about 3 or 4 days ago and have been reading and researching as much as I can. Trying to get to the point where I'm just over her. I'm a million percent anxious and she gives off serious avoidant vibes. It's definitely not working.
“I’m terrified that if someone got close enough, they’d realize they don’t like what they find” wow… just to hear that there are people out there who felt *exactly* the way I feel, it both hurts and is a little comforting.
I’m definitely the anxious attachment, when ever I feel the anxiety come up , I dive into TH-cam and find something that helps me become more aware and I do recognise this I still get the feeling of anxiety though
@@campanitavideos I go to my bedroom now , sit on my feet and centre myself and place my hands together, Breath deeply and calm myself. Remember that’s it’s only a reaction to something in your childhood, allow it flow ❤️
"I know you better than you know yourself." As a psychologist who briefly dated a (hardcore) DA, it was difficult and even stressful to resist the urge to tell him what was going on. Tried to talk about myself, tried to bring the topic of attachment styles in the most casual ways, but... This can only work if a DA recognises his patterns, the similarities between the relationships they had, AND are willing to work on their core wounds.
Telling them outright about attachment theory can be taken in many ways, I keep seeing in videos that bringing it up to a DA can trigger their "I am defective" core wound, and maybe also be taken the wrong way, but I personally think its at least important for them to know about it outright so they know its a thing and they can choose to either work through it while you are with them or they work on it with the next partner (or two or three lol), eventually they will realize you were on to something. Personally as an AP, I find it fascinating that the majority of APs who are desperate to change either themselves or their DA's actually embrace attachment theory and get enveloped in all the concepts. Its definitely inspired me to change myself, and also has made me be more forgiving towards my partner when they do something that bothers me a lot
Same situation with a fearful avoidant, I was cautious when I brought it up, but it was even more tricky and was received with dismissal. One time he said I cracked his code though. It never lasted long and his obsessive doubts in the background. After the break up, when all felt lost, I sent him an article about relationship OCD.
As a therapist and someone who has personally experienced this cycle, you did a perfect job of explaining this dynamic. I appreciate that you didn’t vilify the avoidant but explained the deep rooted insecurities that tend to drive them. I imagine many watched trying to understand their partner and only realizing at the end that they may be with someone struggling with a personality disorder.. in which case, like you said, they will need individual treatment for in order to be in a healthy relationship. Hard pill to swallow for anxious types hoping they can “fix” them. Thank you for this video.
My biggest takeaway from this video would be I found out that I have disorganized attachment but my DA partner often triggers my Anxious side, hence I need to sit with myself and conciously sooth myself whenever I get triggered anxiously cause most of the time my DA partner's act of pulling away its not personally because of me. His struggle is to be vulnerable. He told me about his childhood experience which created his core wounds, born as refugee, his entire life is in survival mode. I will be more kind to myself and not letting his stonewalling behavior get the best of me. after all he's a wonderful man and I love him! 💖 I learn so much from your videos!! thank you so much for existing in this space!!
I’m slowly accepting the fact that it didn’t work out and if I have to do it again I wouldn’t. These relationships don’t work out for the majority of people. Most of the time the avoidant ditches no matter what you do to try and make it work.
I first watched this video half a year ago and saw myself as anxious attached and my ex-partner as avoidant attached. This video gave me really great input and insight to understanding my own feelings and patterns, which I worked on in my therapy from that point on and learned a lot about myself. He was not in a place to put the same work into the relationship so a few months back I decided to end the relationship. In my eyes he will forever be a kind and warm human, but being outside that relationship and now dating someone who is very similar to myself when it comes to needs, closeness and love languages, made me realize how much I suffered in that relationship and how little I received. I am sure there are anxious-avoidant-relationships who can build up a beautiful relationship on the fundament of why they attracted each other in the first place. "Anxious people are actually acting avoidant and avoidant people are actually anxious" really stuck to me and described our relationship perfectly. I really believe that a deep fear of being rejected by someone who I 100 % open up to, made me go into that relationship where I could always say "but he isn't there enough". I am glad for the both of us that this is over and better things are coming.
What I got from this video was basically become secure in yourself and you won't have a problem walking away from the hot and cold of the avoidant. Because the only thing keeping you there is your own clinginess. And the avoidant is never going to change because they don't think there's anything wrong other than how you show up in the relationship.
It seems that we need to tolerate an avoidant's behaviour and not expect them to change nor understand us. So this means we have to bear all their dismissive attitude and be fine disrespecting us. Life is short to be miserable. 🙄
I hear your frustration. Relationships should never be about tolerating disrespect or one-sided compromises. While understanding attachment styles can provide insights into behaviors, it's not an excuse for mistreatment. You're right; life is too short to be miserable. In any relationship, mutual respect, understanding, and effort to grow are vital. If these elements are missing, it may be worth re-evaluating the relationship's sustainability. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🌸
I am actively avoiding how accurate you are, and how avoidant (fearful) I am... I hate when I fall head over heels with an anxious open heart, then quickly fall out, and the guilt of holding on to make sure that its REALLY not meant to be, is painful and pushed me further away. That's the people pleasing that I do. I try to be open, but feel that I will never be satisfied for long... I often fixate on flaws instead of the things that initially attracted me, and pull way back. That 'staying friends' comment really hit me. This has always been me. I think this is my mother... I'm sure of it. I'm emotionally intelligent, but don't feel safe FEELING the emotional intensity for long.
As a fearful Avoidant here, this is the best well balanced take on the subject that I have found. Usually anxious individuals are painted as the ones that can do "no wrong and don't need to grow/evolve" , and Avoidants are the villains of the story that need all the work.
The avoidants are the ones lacking empathy. A normal person understands that if you ignore someone you claim to love and treat them worse than a stranger, that that is hurtful and abusive. You wouldn't neglect a child for weeks or months, otherwise it would die. And if you hate the person that much that you can't be honest with them, why be in a relationship with them? Not to say that anxious types don't also have issues. Anxious types have trouble feeling secure and trusting. So when a person disappears for months and refuses to explain their behaviour, anxious people become MORE anxious, less trusting, more resentful.
Ah, I'm crying. This might be the first video I found that explains what goes on with both anxious and avoidants. I can see myself in some of the anxious behavior, but anxiety gets to me pretty quickly once the avoidant disappears, so after I voice my concerns or dissatisfaction a couple of times, I tend to leave the relationship alone. Then I go through months of sadness and confusion by myself. I have no idea what that would be called, but it's really confusing and I've always felt like it's the other person's fault for changing so suddenly.
Absolutely in a relationship like this for the past 6 months. We have been looking into attachment theory and, oh boy, it all makes sense now. I´m the anxious one. We´re both trying and it feels good. I feel like I´m growing emotionally. Thank you.
I have an anxious-avoident attachment style and this has been very opening. Relationships are difficult for me. I very much want closeness but am worried that I'll just get hurt. You were saying my exact thoughts, these thoughts are completely suffocating
I was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and he withdrew and shutdown and totally pushed me out of his life - three times. I'm the anxious avoidant type. We were seeing each other for 8 years, and it was definitely a push pull relationship. I finally realized what it all was and had to leave it.
Hey, I’m glad you finally left that relationship - hopefully 2 weeks on it has stuck. The thing I’ve realised about unaware avoidants is that you’re never really in a relationship with them, and you will be penalised for conducting yourself as though you are in a relationship. I’m sure before you got to 8 years, you found yourself thinking, “how much longer can this go on?”. I also want to say that I’m sorry for any pain you endured in that relationship that was normalised. So often avoidants can normalise things that should never be normalised at all, and it can make you start doubting the emotional pain you’re experiencing. Anyway, I wanted to let you know another woman in the world has read your words and is truly wishing the best for you. X
@@withinwithout6263 Thank you so much! It is greatly appreciated. I do my best to also write things and put it out there in the hopes that someone will see it, and this really means a lot. I did think exactly what you have said several years in and when things were not changing. He tried, but he couldn't get past his self-centeredness or his own issues. I didn't want that "normalization" anymore - I wanted it to evolved. I got slow rolled out. Needless to say, I was very very upset with the way he did it, especially when there was absolutely no communication about why. That is what made me the most upset. I know a lot now that I did not then. I know that God has something else for me, and he had to get me ready for it - and that didn't include the fearful avoidant in my life. :-)
I've been anxious & made all the mistakes I've been healing & growing four five years now . Thanks to all videos, I regonize all the family dynamics.....amazing !! Thanks for the Enlightenment !!!!
These are so insightful and triggering at the same time. I’m glad one person on the internet hasn’t labelled avoidants as villains that should be left to die alone.
Wow….you nailed it. After 28 years in a tumultuous marriage to a woman that is distant she says she wants a divorce. She has always had a wall up. Sometimes a foot high sometimes ten feet high. I found that I was always trying to scale it but then told her (after she declared she wanted the divorce) “I’m tired of trying to scale the wall, you need to figure out why you have one and let me know what you want.” It was then I realized that I chose her because she was “safe”. Maybe it was I who had the fear of letting her in. I think that we all come from the “island of broken toys” but tend to think it’s the other person’s fault. “When you point your finger at someone look at your hand, there are three pointing back at you.” I’m working at fixing my own shit and not my wife’s. She has her childhood issues but I’ve decided to lead by example by working on mine and being open about it.
Hey man, when you say, "fear of letting her in" what exactly did you mean? And how exactly are you trying to work on yourself. Your response would be much appreciated.
@@AtomicNumber34MaleChromosome Sure, my mom was an alcoholic/narcissist which I have discovered that I too have boundaries. Being that my wife (who had an alcoholic dad who was verbally and physically abusive) has trust issues it activates trust issues within myself. So it turns out to be a “Push Me Pull You” situation. Once I abandoned expectations of who I want my wife to be and learned to accept who she actually is I realized that I too had trust issues. I decided to work in my issues and not hers. With the exception of how I communicate with her. I no longer tell her how I feel, I just acknowledge her feelings and ask questions which causes her to dig deeper.
@@Gundog55 you are suppressing your expectations from your partner, are you happy doing so? Do you think, just listening to what she has to say and not telling her what you feel is helping you in any way? And is she aware that you are somehow trying to make your relationship work so she should also start to think about your expectations? Sorry, i dont want you to raise doubts on your strategy but just want to know if it works so maybe i should try. Although, suppressing my expectations of love from my partner doesn't make me feel nice.
@@AtomicNumber34MaleChromosome No need to apologize, those are all good points. You say “suppressing” but what I think of it as more of lowering my expectations. Look, life and people isn’t perfect. I looked at my “needs” and asked myself “Why do you ‘need’ these emotional/physical items? What is causing these?” I think you will find that by looking at those wants needs and desires many of them come from unaddressed issues from one’s past. My MBPT results showed that I am an ENFJ-T personality. I see patterns in behaviors and other things. I could see that while I’m trying to explain my “feelings” she was busy building a counter argument to justify her feelings. She has PTSD and anxiety so she isn’t capable of absorbing any my explanations or logic. So by my listening and asking questions as help get to the root of her frustrations and fears I have found it calms her down. When she feels she is being heard she’s calmer. Everyone wants to be heard but no one reflects on why they feel the way they do. We blame others for why we feel that way which is giving power over you to them. I have found more about myself by questioning my wants, needs and desires. I have learned more by listening than talking which is difficult being an extrovert.
@mkckf4l and they make out its your fault. I am too needy. Apparently I have no reason to be upset about her emotional cheating with another married man, they are only friends according to her. This time I've left her for good, but the scars are deep.
It would be so nice to see a comment where the Attachments are generalized and other blaming. If you are perfectly showing up in the relationship in the ways suggested, and your partner still responds in a negative manner, then you are dealing with a person whom has not done or is not willing to do the work. That is specific to that person. Not all people with Avoidant attachments run “ for no reason“ just as not all People with Anxious attachment “ smother just to smother “. These things will work if BOTH parties are doing their individual work. People are watching these videos looking for ways to change the other’s behavior without considering their own contribution to the madness. Do your own personal work to become more secure. Learn to set boundaries and recognize whether or not your partner is doing the work and if they are show more patience and compassion and if they aren’t then maybe it is time to find someone who is.
Found your channel recently. I just wanna say, you are very intelligent and articulate, and the way you put things into words is sooo helpful. Deep and insightful, yet easy to follow and helps the listener connect the dots and see the shape of things. Psychologically rich, yet relatable and practically applicable. Keep up the good work!
I kinda thought I was an open heart with some avoidant tendencies combined with other problems like OCD and some ROCD but this video reaaaally made it obvious that I’m a spice of lifer and this made me cry but in a positive way and I’m working on my life and myself and my ability to connect with my partner and all of that so freaking much these last weeks. This makes so much sense. Thank you.
I'm a "Open Heart" & had to let my Avoidant partner go after ten months. Likely I held on about 5 months too long to try & "change" her. Keep in mind she is 55 y/o & a long history of Avoidant behavior. Thank you for clarifying all of these behaviors to me. Luckily in my life I discovered loving partners & healthy ones, finally after 40 years of age ( 2 long term ones). However this last one really threw me for a loop & discovered these attachment styles from you !! They reminded me of relationship trauma's I had in my 20's. I tried to tell her & give her information on attachment theory, he wouldn't hear of it nor read it. She didn't want to change....I tried & tried. I had to leave & it hurt me badly. For my wellbeing & health I had to end it. Life is too short...I'm healing. Thank you !
I believe we're unconsciously picking our partners, because we need them to grow into a secure person. I am grateful for my relationship, because I am now secure.
Well, you 5 minutes of the video were illuminating. After 7 years of trying to have a normal relationship with a sort of an open heart (I'm a rolling stone) I decided to give up. It got better at one point when I started applying your tips but it was one sided relationship as my partner did not even address that I also had needs. It's all about him and his needs. After 10 months I'm still recovering but at least I'm conscious and aware of my patterns. As a very hurt 52 years old I hope I won't go back to my avoidant pattern. Keep the fingers crossed. Thank you very much
EXCELLENT! The part about anxious attachment style chasing avoidants because they don't want to be "seen" for who they really are and don't want to let go of control was a true aha moment! thank you!
Love, love this video! I have been dating a man for almost a year now and just now learning about attachment styles. He's Avoidant and I'm Anxious. I'm willing to do the work, but I don't see how he would ever agree to look at himself. The hot and cold thing is really annoying. Don't think I can live like this.
The last minute of your video hit home to help me to realize that emotional immaturity In an individual creates an impossible situation to exist in relationship with.
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
I , a 29 year old male have realized that i am anxious attachment . And i am now realizing I'm in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style woman . I see that both of us have failed the relationship and we have both been unknowingly triggering each other . It's insane how accurate all of this is. We have fighting been months and things have just made absolute no sense to me . But watching vids like this is helping me understand the dynamic that's been going on . I don't know if I'm at the point where it's too late to save it . I do want to but i realize as you said it has to be a two person thing . I can't do it myself . I hope i am able to bring up fixing things together and understand each other's triggers. Trying to think how i can let her know what behaviors send me in a rabbit hole without making it seem I'm blaming her for it . Thanks so much for this video
Good luck, it’s worth trying. Lots of love, and patience. Otherwise you fall into another rabbit hole, with someone else. Watch these videos with your partner?
My partner is avoident and I am disorganized. He keeps trying to come back to me after we split, usually a mutual split, and he comes back showing me improvements he's made in his life and I take the time to do the same. We come back each time with more understanding but our 'last ditch' effort to build a relationship and we were struggling and we weren't sure why. Now we do because of this video and it may have just put us past an impasse we've been having. It's like a light 💡 went off. Great video!
I'm in a 15 year relationship with an avoidant, I am an anxious, I have done alot of work on myself over the past few years and I feel he is not meeting my needs anymore .. he is so cold and distant which worked for me a few years ago as I was numb and dissociated most of my life. I have 3 kids with this man and a home. I don't know my next step. Every time he withdraws and locks himself away the more I move away and become less bothered
22 years the same with 3 kids - she doesnt want to do the work - there is nothing I can do to overcome the damage left by her father leaving at 2 and mother running away when she was 22 . Shes an avoidant Im anxious I have just cut her out of my life even though we share the same house
@@shanejones578 The problem is more often than not they wont aknowledge the issues they have and ergo wont communicate. They spend so long building the walls that there is no will to remove them. You cant effectively communicate with them if they wont let you and thats the sad thing
This video was so eye opening! I tend to be avoidant while my boyfriend is anxious but it's something that I've been trying to deal with yet didn't know how. I've always felt my bf relies on me too heavily for validation and it's exhausting, and when I'm feeling like I need space I tend to feel guilty when I ask him to step back for a bit. Communication is key, and learning how to do it better is just so rewarding 😊
Knew our similar childhood traumas were pulling us together but didn't know how as we were opposite in our approach to relationships. Thank you for laying it out clearly. God bless.
Yep, obessess over how to get closeness and connection, but feel the immediate urge to run away as soon as you get what you want. I've got to the point where i can notice this happening and I'm trying to sit with the feeling and not run. It's early days but our hide and seek relationship of 29 years is definitely improving at last. ❤
THIS was so informative. I literally took notes like I was in class. I am currently in an anxious/avoidant dynamic (currently not communicating) and it's crushing. I'm a bit embarrassed at how I lash out not effectively communicating my feelings and wants. But also wanting to navigate through this attachment towards a more healthier one. Thank you for sharing it's much needed and appreciated! ❤
Thank you! I am the anxious one and my boyfriend is the avoidant. So glad to watch this video in better understanding of the Anxious-Avoidant trap. We have been on and off so many times! Not sure what's next for us...I am healing.
Hello. Any update? I am also in an on and off relationship. I used to be secure type but i became anxious since i have a 9 year on and off relationship with my avoidant boyfriend. It is really frustrating.
The avoidant ones don't suffer as much as you since they prefere affairs over a relationship. Better run. I know from own experience. Try to find healing and a healthy available partner.
The final thoughts SO KEY! This is right on, and refreshingly devoid of making either party the 'bad one' or use of uneeded labelling. Just addressing the trauma and behaviours in a factual way. Thank you!!
Anyone else found that yourself and your partner completely switcharood? I used to be avoidant in the beginning, he was anxious. When he became frustrated with my attachment style and I could feel him pulling away - we became the opposites. Now he is so avoidant and I don’t know how to stop being so anxious and for us both to find that secure balance
WOW I wish I could give a standing ovation!! Im just now learning the importance of knowing your attachment style! In all my 35 years of life I wondered why I was wired a certain way and respond to love the way I did. It ALL make sense now... Certain parts of the video I had to pause and collect myself because everything was soo spot on!!! Now I'm ready to heal this thing. I want healthy connections 😩 🙏🏾
Dated an avoidant for few months and he drove me crazy! They do the exact opposite of the promises they make during the early stages. They make you second guess your role in the relationship and it’s not a good insight. It feels like avoidants want the privileges of being in a relationship without taking any responsibility. Please avoid them like the plague. They destroy even a healthy mind and drive you crazy
I came across one of your videos regarding Anxious attachment style. It was so spot on that it was embarrassing. I’m a 52 yo man and I have struggled all my life with this and never knew why I felt the way I do an why I seam to blow up all my relationships. I’m married to a rolling stone for 15 years and I’m desperately trying find peace. It just feels to late for me and the anxiety and depression is just getting crippling. Not sure where to start.
Oh man, sorry to hear this. Its not too late. You deserve happiness, i know it sucks to go through this. So, start it somehow, atleast you could spend rest of your life making your relationship better!
This showed up on my feed at the right time! I even took notes and saved it just so I can reference it again! Thank you so much! It just brought a light on my own situation.
In, 34 years, ive yet to find such comment on youtube ability to simply convey this topic [which is so important to every human]. A+, and keep up the amazing work/videos!
*raises hand* maybe I didn't got a degree, but suspecting autism spectrum I started reading psychology years ago and know a ton. Many ppl randomly called me "you're like a therapist". Using that knowledge with empathy VERY MUCH with my Fearful Avoidant- feels like a good challenge and test to my knowledge, but still, when I'm exhausted from overwork or lack of my hobbies for long time, my anxious attachment flares up from the dephs of secure attachment. Dismissive avoidant? welp, that's beyond my abilities. Tried once and at job one has been attacking me for months. So you're right, they need to date a true therapist ^^;
Wow. You must be the proverbial fly on my wall with the avoidance description. My hubby EXACTLY. HOWEVER. He has not been that way all our married life. We had a huge enormous emotional upheaval and since then he has slowly descended into the avoidant big time. 😪
All I can say is “wow”!!! Not only will I save this video, I know I will need to watch it several times to really let this sit in my spirit/psyche for a minute! (I’ve even tried to take notes 📝! Jeez!)
You are head and shoulders above all the other relationship coaches out there. You offer a very nuanced explanation of these dynamics beyond the cliches. Amazing (I'm also learning a lot so thanks!)
Great video. I took from this video the importance of valuing myself equally, not less; and that when you have evidence that your partner does not value your needs equally you must not allow yourself - out of fear or low self esteem or because you think leaving or closing a door is always bad - to be convinced to stay. The words you are being told must be interpreted alongside the behavior.
Thank you, this is the best episode of the series on DAs. Lot of exact descriptions. You nailed those sentences, I hear often. DAs hardly accept their fault. Do not want to work on themselves. We treat them like princesses and they treat us as manure.
You kinda missed the point of the video? Deep down you both feel the same way; you’re worried the real you isn’t loveable. You just project that fear in different ways.
i guess im an anxious type but im self aware for a while now, now that im single again I'd work on myself and hopefully i can find someone who'd care for my needs just as much as their own.
Luckily secure attachment & even anxious attachment can successful workout better than an Avoidant ....the numbers of them are on our side. Best of luck !!
I wish I had found this years a go. You really have really verbalized alot of the "why am I like this?" questions I have been trying to figure out for the past 25 years
This was so insightful and comprehensive. Your specific recommendations regarding trigger statements was illuminating. I recognized but never understood the attraction between attachment types until now. I can't thank you enough.
This was truly insightful. In the past I've considered relationships anxious/avoidant when they were in fact, abusive. This demonstrates a clear difference. They lacked the "they value your feelings as much as their own" sentiment. I'm in a happy, long term, relationship with someone who isn't avoidant but struggled to understand why I gravitated to that for so long. This is the most helpful information I've seen. Thank you!
This is the best, most thorough video I've seen on the AA trap. The sad thing is, the person she describes at the end is me. Thank goodness for therapy! It's a long road though.
This video has been very helpful, thank you. One thing I would like to suggest is not to try to make up new terms for existing ones. Anxious is good enough, no need for open hearts. It is complicated enough already for us, mortals.
I'm really glad to hear you found the video helpful! Your point about not complicating things with new terms is well-taken. I totally get that the world of relationships and psychology is intricate enough without adding another layer of jargon. About the 'new adjectives,' I think language is a huge constructor of our realities, and just because a bunch of psychologists decide to call a collection of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors one thing, doesn't make it the best thing to call it. A large part of my mission is showing people how to take charge of their own narratives, and I do that by taking charge of the language I use. It's about empowerment, but I absolutely get that it can be overwhelming. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. Your feedback not only helps me, but it also contributes to the broader discussion that we're all a part of. Cheers! 😊
This is the best video I've seen on this topic to date. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I will continue to work on myself so that I can be secure and gravitate towards someone who is secure as well.
Hey guys I’m finally out woooooo since December 17 from my avoidant ex. I’m now with a stable and I am so happy. I wasted 4 years of my life but I’m finally out yayyy❤🎉 you can do it 😊
Dear Briana; i very much like this cd it triggers my relationship I am in and you are 100percent correct the approach to these type of communication has to be carefully spoken. These type of people instantly put up a wall claiming I am the one wanting to start a fight when in reality i am trying to get my feeling across Explaining something takes to repeat the same at least 2 to 3times I get so frustrated when I take extra time to report something they ask me to do, and when finish explaining they ask the same questions again to work on what they ask already. Anyway, your good advise. helps me understand why they can drive me crazy and make me feel like Iam wasting my time and good will.
This was excellent. I am currently in therapy with 2 holistic women who are exceptional in their field. I am the people pleaser and man I’ve been doing all I can to change. This video was great. Thank you.
Wow... Right down to The marrow of the bone... I've seen a lot of these videos from different people. All of them have been educational and seem to resonate. But for some reason your videos are so much a reflection of what I'm going through it's almost as if you have cameras watching my life. It just confirms just how much of a prevalent situation this is in life in general. I've always had the thought process that the problems we deal with within ourselves as well as in relationships really aren't that nuanced. They're definitely simple problems that we add a level of complexity to due to ignorance of ourselves. Thank you so much for your videos. Please continue to do what you're doing. We all appreciate you.
I am glad i found this topic as I think thats what my girls issue is. I love her deeply and carried this torch for many years, shes the only one i feel intimate with but could never seem to land her as my partner, ive seen her get married and have relationships but never with me, and ive deeply desired that for many years. I feel we are growing closer and i want to understand her so i can be the best lover i can be for her, the issue i feel is that without a doubt i know she is the one, and i know if i can have the chance i can prove it. Our intimacy is amazing ive never felt anything like it.
Ive been married to my best friend for 28+ years. Weve been going through this cycle for the enire 28 years. We have a strong connection for awhile, then i seemed to back off and not show her how i felt about her. In turn she would "put up walls around her heart" to protect herself. I never accepted my part in the cycle. But my eyes have been opened now and i realize that my insecurities caused me to do the same protection cycle. Her childhood was very rough with her parents not being there for her emotionally, so it would make sense that she would have anxious attachment style. But my childhood wasnt nearly as bad, however my dad was very narcissistic and controling. So i did take on some of his bad behaviors. Recently, i have been made aware of the way my behavior can make people feel and have been working diligently to self correct. I have began therapy and am feeling like im on a great path. However, my wife has grown too tired of the cycle and we both assumed it was just may behavior that was causing it. After learning about anxious attachment, i feel like we both have that style and i think couples therapy could save us. But she just wants to end things. I just want her to be happy, but now understanding what our actual problems may have been, i want to work through it. Any advice?
Thanks for sharing. This is the same dynamic between my husband and me. We are coming up on 10 years together and have come to the conclusion we need to both heal and course correct. I am happy for you for getting help and hope you and your wife can make it work.
@Impactfully Thanks. I hope you and your husband can work through these issues. My wife is at a point where she is just finished with our relationship. So no matter how much I'm willing to do to make healthy changes to make our relationship as strong as it was in the beginning, for her it's too late. But she is my absolute best and really only friend. We have 3 grown children together. The 22 and 26 year old are living with us right now and we care for a 13 year old boy with down syndrome and his 7 year old sister. They are our friends kids and we've been helping with them since they were born. So we still live together, help raise the friends kids together, and we own a business together. So this sucks sooooo bad. Hope you and your husband are both willing to keep trying. Good luck.
Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience. What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation. These videos might offer some insight. When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras th-cam.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/w-d-xo.html The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? th-cam.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/w-d-xo.html Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap th-cam.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/w-d-xo.html [1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like th-cam.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/w-d-xo.html [2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap th-cam.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/w-d-xo.html Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? th-cam.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/w-d-xo.html
Thank you, this is really helping me to understand my last 35 years, his mother has died who interfered as well in our relationship and had him stay with her in his avoidant phases plying him with alcohol. She abandoned him for a few years in his teens as did his father.I thought her death would of helped us move forward but he is now heavily drinking at her house for last six months and now thinking about starting a new relationship with someone from the past who drinks as well, but now he is gutted he would even think to do that, so sad when we do actually both still really care about each other and he really dosnt want to hurt me as he does deeply care for me and I know that and we have five children some with Autism. Years ago we went to counselling and he had nothing to do with his mother for five years and stopped drinking, life was amazing and normal until he started seeing his Mum again and the old patterns started again until here we are with him getting so poorly from alcohol, he wants us to remain friends, what can I do to help him ? Xx
This might be the best video I’ve seen about avoidant partners because you skillfully focused more on the dynamic rather than shaming the avoidant. I think I might be dating an avoidant and this video really helped to show me how I am contributing to the problem, my own flaws in attachment styles and when to call it quits if need be. I’ve found sooo many videos on avoidants and believe that it’s way too easy to blame your partner. I feel stronger than ever moving forward. Thanks so much!!!
I'm thrilled to hear that you found the video so impactful! It's all too easy to point fingers in relationships, especially when things are not going as we'd hoped. However, understanding that both parties contribute to the dynamic can be a game-changer. Knowing your own attachment style and recognizing your own patterns can empower you to make healthier decisions for yourself and your relationship. It sounds like you're on the path to not just understanding your partner better, but also growing as an individual. That's the kind of insight that can make a difference in every area of your life. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing how the video has helped you feel stronger moving forward. Best of luck to you in your journey! 😊
Thank you for explaining this attachment style of the pushing pole. I am a insecure, anxious, attachment, person, and my husband is completely avoidant. But we know how to communicate and work hard to meet each other’s needs. Thank you for explaining this so Much appreciate.
You guys may benefit some Anxious and Avoidant attachment therapy separately.. this is me and my fiancé. All aspects of our lives are amazing except with a few things and the few are a road block.😢
good luck. my DA initiated a divorce through email after 10 years married. give your significant other space and work on you, itll help you that way if things go totally sideways, you are prepared…
The final thoughts section is my exact situation. I tried to express my needs in a healthy way and collaborate on solutions, but she just got defensive and pushed me away and criticised and I felt even more unheard. I don’t know how to encourage her to work on herself, so I just had to leave. I miss her all the time.
this is me and she dumped me, im still hoping shell come back for a fix. idk if I should wait or let her go, since I realized holding her back isn't working
She dumped by anxious ass kinda "itll take a few months for you to heal and we can be back" i smile she giggles. The night i was in so much pain because she was just avoiding me for literally 2weeks prior and i was a ball of postivity so i got drunk & snapped on her via voice notes. So she blocked me (still I'm) i send her flowers after 2 weeks of no contact with a sweet note. She posted a story of her and the flowers ( something she never did before ) then the next morning i got a "thanks for the flowers but we are over text." She always said " i don't need you" " dont underestimate my ability to leave " "I'm independent" i never understood any of it until now after the breakup my paradigm shifited to this Knowledge.
Or sometimes I think I have this unconscious thought that I don’t truly deserve connection. That I am not worthy. And if I receive it it’s so far from my belief it causes anxiety. I’ve settled so nicely into the belief that I don’t matter. Working on it!
This was so wholesome and I got the answers I needed! The only way a relationship can work is by practicing healthy communication! If both parties are willing to work on it, the relationship will succeed. Chemistry & other things like sharing fun activities are ofc a given part of it all :) + it’s okay to say good bye, if they don’t wanna work on it with you. What else do you wanna do? There is no compromise for completely disregarding your own needs!
I'm anxious and my husband is avoidant. We have been married for 23 years, and it's been so very hard. Of course I recognize that I have work to do, he thinks he's just fine and everything will be ok when I deal with my trauma 🙄. Little does he understand, he is just as neurotic.
@@ErinSmith-jo8td I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can do this either. I'm growing and finally seeing things and they really don't like my boundaries. They as in my husband and kids. Nobody wants boundaries or accountability. He is so avoidant it's an act of God to get him to have the smallest bit of insight and I'm just getting too old and tired. I have a great therapist thankfully 💜. Keep growing and working on you.
My girlfriend of 4 years left me for another guy a month ago, we were engaged 6 months. I'm the avoidant I think, she's definitely anxious plus abandonment issues most likely. I wish I knew all of this stuff just a couple months ago, I feel like I could've saved it, but I don't think she is able or willing to put in the work. I've learned so much in the past month; hundreds of hours. I wish you luck, find a way to break through to your partner if you can. I miss mine so much.
@@diatonicjon if she doesn't want to put in the work then it's not worth it. But, you may be surprised and still get another chance. If she is with someone who is the opposite of you it may be that she's just coping and trying to get love bombed from lack of affection. That will wear off eventually and she will want something sturdy back and may reach out.
Just had my first relationship with a woman (I'm a lesbian) and it was wonderful but my anxious tendencies made her panic and run 😢 I discovered attachment types in the breakup. I've been looking for a book on how to effectively love an avoidant dismissive person and there are only 2 books out there apparently and neither give actual advice. This is the most helpful video I've seen and I've watched a LOT about these attachment types. Thank you. I really hope my ex-girlfriend comes back eventually after having some space. She's the love of my life. Would be so useful for us to watch this together and work on these strategies.
I suggest the book "Your Brain on Love" by Stan Tatkin. It gives practical advice on the things you can do to make your partner better and what you can do that will make them worse based on attachment style
I'm touched to hear that the video resonated with you during such a pivotal time. Anxious and avoidant dynamics can be challenging, especially in a first relationship. While books can offer insights, real growth often comes from lived experiences and active work on self-awareness. I genuinely hope you and your ex find a path that brings you both happiness, whether together or separately. Meanwhile, use this time to focus on understanding your own attachment needs and how you can meet them in healthy ways. There's always room for growth and second chances. 🌈💕
I find myself in a relationship that is as described. I have never had a healthy boyfriend/husband relationship. I want to know what that looks like. I have triggers and this current relationship is bringing up all my codependency.
Great video, gonna watch this with my lady. Shes fearful-avoidant and I'm anxious-preoccupied. Not because anything feels seriously wrong, but as a means to get ahead of potential roadblocks in the future.
i really loved this video. it probably would of really helped me years ago in my relationship. however, i've moved on and don't want to rebuild any type of relationship, friendship or even be an acquaintance to my ex. this video will be helpful encase i find myself in another troubled relationship. love the video thank you so much.
I think both me and my boyfriend are spice of lifers! Im more avoidant but still have anxious attachment thoughts and tendencies. He is more anxious but still has avoidant thoughts and actions. As a result I believe we constantly bounce around and never come to any solutions. If we do, somehow, we are both emotionally exhausted and have to settle on anything for us both to feel at peace with each other. We both really want to be together, I have a harder time connecting with him when he seems so sure about me. We both have intense pasts, and or cultural upbringings that have impacted us and has caused so much insecurity. Thank you for clarifying that there is an existing mix of attachment styles, referred to as spice of lifers. Now using your tips and triggers I can introduce some ideas to my boyfriend and we can start to understand why we feel things and what triggers us.
What was your biggest take away from this video? I'd love to hear in the comments below!
You described my husband at the very end. Rigid fragile ego, personality disorder. He is willing to go to counseling but not sure what counselor we need to look for to help him.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I recommend checking out “emotionally focused therapy”. It’s one of the most effective forms of therapy in relationships.
Thank you! 🙏❤️ yes, there’s more to come. 😉
That there is hope. Thank you so much!
It really helped me to hear the part about how open hearts must relinquish their control in order to receive. That was absolutely healing for me. The question I have for you now is, how should an open heart respond if their avoidant partner wants to leave stating ‘you’re too good for me?’
Dismissing an anxious partner’s feelings is a sure fire way to cause more and more emotions and pain
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Sarah Gittler.
100% true. My best friend/ex fiance of 17 years is doing that to me right now. I want to get back together after circumstances forced us apart and back in the same household 7 months later. She wound up staying with a guy she met on Hinge right before we got together and started dating him. He broke up with her in January this year and came back to me. She responds by ditching without so much as a word back to her ex's place for the last 2 months and says it's because I'm always "up her ass" as she puts it. Discovered attachment science about 3 or 4 days ago and have been reading and researching as much as I can. Trying to get to the point where I'm just over her. I'm a million percent anxious and she gives off serious avoidant vibes. It's definitely not working.
@@AFO3310How are you doing now?
…and rejection
they dismiss their own feelings lol
“I’m terrified that if someone got close enough, they’d realize they don’t like what they find” wow… just to hear that there are people out there who felt *exactly* the way I feel, it both hurts and is a little comforting.
I’m recently met a men like this, he’s full on with texting and talking on the phone, but whenever we arrange to meet
He pulls away 🤔
I’m definitely the anxious attachment, when ever I feel the anxiety come up , I dive into TH-cam and find something that helps me become more aware and I do recognise this
I still get the feeling of anxiety though
oh babe. i am the same! but sometimes i even take time to come here because i get paralised. Anxiety is awful.
@@campanitavideos I go to my bedroom now , sit on my feet and centre myself and place my hands together, Breath deeply and calm myself.
Remember that’s it’s only a reaction to something in your childhood, allow it flow ❤️
You fix it by ending it and working in yourself and accepting someone who’s secure!
"I know you better than you know yourself." As a psychologist who briefly dated a (hardcore) DA, it was difficult and even stressful to resist the urge to tell him what was going on. Tried to talk about myself, tried to bring the topic of attachment styles in the most casual ways, but... This can only work if a DA recognises his patterns, the similarities between the relationships they had, AND are willing to work on their core wounds.
Telling them outright about attachment theory can be taken in many ways, I keep seeing in videos that bringing it up to a DA can trigger their "I am defective" core wound, and maybe also be taken the wrong way, but I personally think its at least important for them to know about it outright so they know its a thing and they can choose to either work through it while you are with them or they work on it with the next partner (or two or three lol), eventually they will realize you were on to something. Personally as an AP, I find it fascinating that the majority of APs who are desperate to change either themselves or their DA's actually embrace attachment theory and get enveloped in all the concepts. Its definitely inspired me to change myself, and also has made me be more forgiving towards my partner when they do something that bothers me a lot
Are DAs the most likely of the ‘Avoidants’ to be highly narcissistic?
Same situation with a fearful avoidant, I was cautious when I brought it up, but it was even more tricky and was received with dismissal. One time he said I cracked his code though. It never lasted long and his obsessive doubts in the background. After the break up, when all felt lost, I sent him an article about relationship OCD.
What was DA again? Old head injury keeps me from being able to remember abbreviations
As a therapist and someone who has personally experienced this cycle, you did a perfect job of explaining this dynamic. I appreciate that you didn’t vilify the avoidant but explained the deep rooted insecurities that tend to drive them. I imagine many watched trying to understand their partner and only realizing at the end that they may be with someone struggling with a personality disorder.. in which case, like you said, they will need individual treatment for in order to be in a healthy relationship. Hard pill to swallow for anxious types hoping they can “fix” them. Thank you for this video.
My biggest takeaway from this video would be I found out that I have disorganized attachment but my DA partner often triggers my Anxious side, hence I need to sit with myself and conciously sooth myself whenever I get triggered anxiously cause most of the time my DA partner's act of pulling away its not personally because of me. His struggle is to be vulnerable. He told me about his childhood experience which created his core wounds, born as refugee, his entire life is in survival mode. I will be more kind to myself and not letting his stonewalling behavior get the best of me. after all he's a wonderful man and I love him! 💖 I learn so much from your videos!! thank you so much for existing in this space!!
I’m slowly accepting the fact that it didn’t work out and if I have to do it again I wouldn’t. These relationships don’t work out for the majority of people. Most of the time the avoidant ditches no matter what you do to try and make it work.
I am inclined to agree.
I first watched this video half a year ago and saw myself as anxious attached and my ex-partner as avoidant attached. This video gave me really great input and insight to understanding my own feelings and patterns, which I worked on in my therapy from that point on and learned a lot about myself. He was not in a place to put the same work into the relationship so a few months back I decided to end the relationship. In my eyes he will forever be a kind and warm human, but being outside that relationship and now dating someone who is very similar to myself when it comes to needs, closeness and love languages, made me realize how much I suffered in that relationship and how little I received.
I am sure there are anxious-avoidant-relationships who can build up a beautiful relationship on the fundament of why they attracted each other in the first place. "Anxious people are actually acting avoidant and avoidant people are actually anxious" really stuck to me and described our relationship perfectly. I really believe that a deep fear of being rejected by someone who I 100 % open up to, made me go into that relationship where I could always say "but he isn't there enough". I am glad for the both of us that this is over and better things are coming.
What I got from this video was basically become secure in yourself and you won't have a problem walking away from the hot and cold of the avoidant. Because the only thing keeping you there is your own clinginess. And the avoidant is never going to change because they don't think there's anything wrong other than how you show up in the relationship.
Well, damn. Never*** going to change is just really sad. 😢
Tbh it's usually the anxiously attached who think they're never wrong...
It seems that we need to tolerate an avoidant's behaviour and not expect them to change nor understand us. So this means we have to bear all their dismissive attitude and be fine disrespecting us. Life is short to be miserable. 🙄
I hear your frustration. Relationships should never be about tolerating disrespect or one-sided compromises. While understanding attachment styles can provide insights into behaviors, it's not an excuse for mistreatment. You're right; life is too short to be miserable. In any relationship, mutual respect, understanding, and effort to grow are vital. If these elements are missing, it may be worth re-evaluating the relationship's sustainability. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🌸
I am practicing to be less needy and still get my needs met. What a long journey
Same here! Good luck, we can do it!
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Kosha Dillz. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I am actively avoiding how accurate you are, and how avoidant (fearful) I am... I hate when I fall head over heels with an anxious open heart, then quickly fall out, and the guilt of holding on to make sure that its REALLY not meant to be, is painful and pushed me further away. That's the people pleasing that I do. I try to be open, but feel that I will never be satisfied for long... I often fixate on flaws instead of the things that initially attracted me, and pull way back. That 'staying friends' comment really hit me. This has always been me. I think this is my mother... I'm sure of it. I'm emotionally intelligent, but don't feel safe FEELING the emotional intensity for long.
As a fearful Avoidant here, this is the best well balanced take on the subject that I have found. Usually anxious individuals are painted as the ones that can do "no wrong and don't need to grow/evolve" , and Avoidants are the villains of the story that need all the work.
I am currently this villain you speak of and it’s not a fair place to be.
The avoidants are the ones lacking empathy. A normal person understands that if you ignore someone you claim to love and treat them worse than a stranger, that that is hurtful and abusive. You wouldn't neglect a child for weeks or months, otherwise it would die. And if you hate the person that much that you can't be honest with them, why be in a relationship with them? Not to say that anxious types don't also have issues. Anxious types have trouble feeling secure and trusting. So when a person disappears for months and refuses to explain their behaviour, anxious people become MORE anxious, less trusting, more resentful.
Fr
Ah, I'm crying. This might be the first video I found that explains what goes on with both anxious and avoidants. I can see myself in some of the anxious behavior, but anxiety gets to me pretty quickly once the avoidant disappears, so after I voice my concerns or dissatisfaction a couple of times, I tend to leave the relationship alone. Then I go through months of sadness and confusion by myself. I have no idea what that would be called, but it's really confusing and I've always felt like it's the other person's fault for changing so suddenly.
I learned about codependency too, its another child hood trauma response lots of people deal with
Absolutely in a relationship like this for the past 6 months. We have been looking into attachment theory and, oh boy, it all makes sense now. I´m the anxious one. We´re both trying and it feels good. I feel like I´m growing emotionally. Thank you.
I have an anxious-avoident attachment style and this has been very opening. Relationships are difficult for me. I very much want closeness but am worried that I'll just get hurt. You were saying my exact thoughts, these thoughts are completely suffocating
I was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and he withdrew and shutdown and totally pushed me out of his life - three times. I'm the anxious avoidant type. We were seeing each other for 8 years, and it was definitely a push pull relationship. I finally realized what it all was and had to leave it.
Hey, I’m glad you finally left that relationship - hopefully 2 weeks on it has stuck. The thing I’ve realised about unaware avoidants is that you’re never really in a relationship with them, and you will be penalised for conducting yourself as though you are in a relationship. I’m sure before you got to 8 years, you found yourself thinking, “how much longer can this go on?”. I also want to say that I’m sorry for any pain you endured in that relationship that was normalised. So often avoidants can normalise things that should never be normalised at all, and it can make you start doubting the emotional pain you’re experiencing. Anyway, I wanted to let you know another woman in the world has read your words and is truly wishing the best for you. X
@@withinwithout6263 Thank you so much! It is greatly appreciated. I do my best to also write things and put it out there in the hopes that someone will see it, and this really means a lot. I did think exactly what you have said several years in and when things were not changing. He tried, but he couldn't get past his self-centeredness or his own issues. I didn't want that "normalization" anymore - I wanted it to evolved. I got slow rolled out. Needless to say, I was very very upset with the way he did it, especially when there was absolutely no communication about why. That is what made me the most upset. I know a lot now that I did not then. I know that God has something else for me, and he had to get me ready for it - and that didn't include the fearful avoidant in my life. :-)
I've been anxious & made all the mistakes
I've been healing & growing four five years now . Thanks to all videos, I regonize all the family dynamics.....amazing !!
Thanks for the Enlightenment !!!!
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Mario. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
These are so insightful and triggering at the same time. I’m glad one person on the internet hasn’t labelled avoidants as villains that should be left to die alone.
they are anxious people too
This has gotta be the BEST video on TH-cam about attachment wounds. I'm so glad I found this. Wish everyone would see it
Valeska Vasconcelos Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
Wow….you nailed it. After 28 years in a tumultuous marriage to a woman that is distant she says she wants a divorce. She has always had a wall up. Sometimes a foot high sometimes ten feet high. I found that I was always trying to scale it but then told her (after she declared she wanted the divorce) “I’m tired of trying to scale the wall, you need to figure out why you have one and let me know what you want.” It was then I realized that I chose her because she was “safe”. Maybe it was I who had the fear of letting her in. I think that we all come from the “island of broken toys” but tend to think it’s the other person’s fault. “When you point your finger at someone look at your hand, there are three pointing back at you.” I’m working at fixing my own shit and not my wife’s. She has her childhood issues but I’ve decided to lead by example by working on mine and being open about it.
Hey man, when you say, "fear of letting her in" what exactly did you mean? And how exactly are you trying to work on yourself. Your response would be much appreciated.
@@AtomicNumber34MaleChromosome Sure, my mom was an alcoholic/narcissist which I have discovered that I too have boundaries. Being that my wife (who had an alcoholic dad who was verbally and physically abusive) has trust issues it activates trust issues within myself. So it turns out to be a “Push Me Pull You” situation. Once I abandoned expectations of who I want my wife to be and learned to accept who she actually is I realized that I too had trust issues. I decided to work in my issues and not hers. With the exception of how I communicate with her. I no longer tell her how I feel, I just acknowledge her feelings and ask questions which causes her to dig deeper.
@@Gundog55 you are suppressing your expectations from your partner, are you happy doing so? Do you think, just listening to what she has to say and not telling her what you feel is helping you in any way? And is she aware that you are somehow trying to make your relationship work so she should also start to think about your expectations?
Sorry, i dont want you to raise doubts on your strategy but just want to know if it works so maybe i should try.
Although, suppressing my expectations of love from my partner doesn't make me feel nice.
@@AtomicNumber34MaleChromosome No need to apologize, those are all good points. You say “suppressing” but what I think of it as more of lowering my expectations. Look, life and people isn’t perfect. I looked at my “needs” and asked myself “Why do you ‘need’ these emotional/physical items? What is causing these?” I think you will find that by looking at those wants needs and desires many of them come from unaddressed issues from one’s past.
My MBPT results showed that I am an
ENFJ-T personality. I see patterns in behaviors and other things. I could see that while I’m trying to explain my “feelings” she was busy building a counter argument to justify her feelings. She has PTSD and anxiety so she isn’t capable of absorbing any my explanations or logic. So by my listening and asking questions as help get to the root of her frustrations and fears I have found it calms her down. When she feels she is being heard she’s calmer. Everyone wants to be heard but no one reflects on why they feel the way they do. We blame others for why we feel that way which is giving power over you to them. I have found more about myself by questioning my wants, needs and desires. I have learned more by listening than talking which is difficult being an extrovert.
@@Gundog55 That's a big step of growth, for you. For her, we'll see...
Currently with an avoidant & it's hell. Thanks for all da info & insight.
Same. The avoidant won't work with you just blame and run. She has ruined my life and my health and I still keep fighting for her.
I'm right there with ya. Almost 4 yrs and it's effected my business, my finances and health. I'm not the man I was and it's killing me
@mkckf4l and they make out its your fault. I am too needy. Apparently I have no reason to be upset about her emotional cheating with another married man, they are only friends according to her. This time I've left her for good, but the scars are deep.
It would be so nice to see a comment where the Attachments are generalized and other blaming.
If you are perfectly showing up in the relationship in the ways suggested, and your partner still responds in a negative manner, then you are dealing with a person whom has not done or is not willing to do the work. That is specific to that person.
Not all people with Avoidant attachments run “ for no reason“ just as not all People with Anxious attachment “ smother just to smother “.
These things will work if BOTH parties are doing their individual work.
People are watching these videos looking for ways to change the other’s behavior without considering their own contribution to the madness.
Do your own personal work to become more secure. Learn to set boundaries and recognize whether or not your partner is doing the work and if they are show more patience and compassion and if they aren’t then maybe it is time to find someone who is.
Finally someone said it 😂
Found your channel recently. I just wanna say, you are very intelligent and articulate, and the way you put things into words is sooo helpful. Deep and insightful, yet easy to follow and helps the listener connect the dots and see the shape of things. Psychologically rich, yet relatable and practically applicable. Keep up the good work!
Alt Acct Thank you! Much appreciated.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment exactly! you put it so simply, its easy to understand
So true🙌🏻🌟
I kinda thought I was an open heart with some avoidant tendencies combined with other problems like OCD and some ROCD but this video reaaaally made it obvious that I’m a spice of lifer and this made me cry but in a positive way and I’m working on my life and myself and my ability to connect with my partner and all of that so freaking much these last weeks. This makes so much sense. Thank you.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Frey Venus. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I'm a "Open Heart" & had to let my Avoidant partner go after ten months. Likely I held on about 5 months too long to try & "change" her. Keep in mind she is 55 y/o & a long history of Avoidant behavior. Thank you for clarifying all of these behaviors to me. Luckily in my life I discovered loving partners & healthy ones, finally after 40 years of age ( 2 long term ones). However this last one really threw me for a loop & discovered these attachment styles from you !! They reminded me of relationship trauma's I had in my 20's. I tried to tell her & give her information on attachment theory, he wouldn't hear of it nor read it. She didn't want to change....I tried & tried. I had to leave & it hurt me badly. For my wellbeing & health I had to end it. Life is too short...I'm healing. Thank you !
Good luc kwith your healing
@@Non-disjunction thank you 🙏🏽
I believe we're unconsciously picking our partners, because we need them to grow into a secure person. I am grateful for my relationship, because I am now secure.
MAY IT BE FOR ME!
Were you the anxious or avoidant one?
Well, you 5 minutes of the video were illuminating. After 7 years of trying to have a normal relationship with a sort of an open heart (I'm a rolling stone) I decided to give up. It got better at one point when I started applying your tips but it was one sided relationship as my partner did not even address that I also had needs. It's all about him and his needs. After 10 months I'm still recovering but at least I'm conscious and aware of my patterns. As a very hurt 52 years old I hope I won't go back to my avoidant pattern. Keep the fingers crossed. Thank you very much
I have never in my life heard this so beautifully broken down. I am MIND blown right now.
EXCELLENT! The part about anxious attachment style chasing avoidants because they don't want to be "seen" for who they really are and don't want to let go of control was a true aha moment! thank you!
Love, love this video! I have been dating a man for almost a year now and just now learning about attachment styles. He's Avoidant and I'm Anxious. I'm willing to do the work, but I don't see how he would ever agree to look at himself. The hot and cold thing is really annoying. Don't think I can live like this.
Watched this 19x today and I want to cry wish I knew sooner
"never to to surrender to the act of receiving?" I JUST LEARNT SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF 💀💀💀
“open hearts” “Rolling Stones” “spice-of-lifers” I love the non-judgmental names haha
The last minute of your video hit home to help me to realize that emotional immaturity In an individual creates an impossible situation to exist in relationship with.
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
I , a 29 year old male have realized that i am anxious attachment . And i am now realizing I'm in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style woman .
I see that both of us have failed the relationship and we have both been unknowingly triggering each other .
It's insane how accurate all of this is.
We have fighting been months and things have just made absolute no sense to me . But watching vids like this is helping me understand the dynamic that's been going on .
I don't know if I'm at the point where it's too late to save it . I do want to but i realize as you said it has to be a two person thing . I can't do it myself .
I hope i am able to bring up fixing things together and understand each other's triggers. Trying to think how i can let her know what behaviors send me in a rabbit hole without making it seem I'm blaming her for it .
Thanks so much for this video
Good luck, it’s worth trying. Lots of love, and patience.
Otherwise you fall into another rabbit hole, with someone else.
Watch these videos with your partner?
Just let it die and find someone else like yourself. Avoidants are toxic to anxious people. Seriously.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, dsvp. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
My partner is avoident and I am disorganized. He keeps trying to come back to me after we split, usually a mutual split, and he comes back showing me improvements he's made in his life and I take the time to do the same. We come back each time with more understanding but our 'last ditch' effort to build a relationship and we were struggling and we weren't sure why. Now we do because of this video and it may have just put us past an impasse we've been having. It's like a light 💡 went off. Great video!
I'm in a 15 year relationship with an avoidant, I am an anxious, I have done alot of work on myself over the past few years and I feel he is not meeting my needs anymore .. he is so cold and distant which worked for me a few years ago as I was numb and dissociated most of my life. I have 3 kids with this man and a home. I don't know my next step. Every time he withdraws and locks himself away the more I move away and become less bothered
22 years the same with 3 kids - she doesnt want to do the work - there is nothing I can do to overcome the damage left by her father leaving at 2 and mother running away when she was 22 . Shes an avoidant Im anxious I have just cut her out of my life even though we share the same house
You must communicate this to him. It’s the only chance for it to ever change, may work may not but it’s the only chance.
@@shanejones578 The problem is more often than not they wont aknowledge the issues they have and ergo wont communicate. They spend so long building the walls that there is no will to remove them. You cant effectively communicate with them if they wont let you and thats the sad thing
Are you married or just in a relationship?
@@lejlakekic6379 not married
This video was so eye opening! I tend to be avoidant while my boyfriend is anxious but it's something that I've been trying to deal with yet didn't know how. I've always felt my bf relies on me too heavily for validation and it's exhausting, and when I'm feeling like I need space I tend to feel guilty when I ask him to step back for a bit. Communication is key, and learning how to do it better is just so rewarding 😊
Knew our similar childhood traumas were pulling us together but didn't know how as we were opposite in our approach to relationships. Thank you for laying it out clearly. God bless.
I’m so glad that it was helpful!
Yep, obessess over how to get closeness and connection, but feel the immediate urge to run away as soon as you get what you want.
I've got to the point where i can notice this happening and I'm trying to sit with the feeling and not run. It's early days but our hide and seek relationship of 29 years is definitely improving at last. ❤
THIS was so informative. I literally took notes like I was in class. I am currently in an anxious/avoidant dynamic (currently not communicating) and it's crushing. I'm a bit embarrassed at how I lash out not effectively communicating my feelings and wants. But also wanting to navigate through this attachment towards a more healthier one.
Thank you for sharing it's much needed and appreciated! ❤
I have never watched a video that hit me so hard about my last relationship EVER
Bailey Saleumvong Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Thank you! I am the anxious one and my boyfriend is the avoidant. So glad to watch this video in better understanding of the Anxious-Avoidant trap. We have been on and off so many times! Not sure what's next for us...I am healing.
My husband and are the same as you guys. It's so hard and emotionally and physically draining. I wish you guys luck and strength to get through this.
Hello. Any update? I am also in an on and off relationship. I used to be secure type but i became anxious since i have a 9 year on and off relationship with my avoidant boyfriend. It is really frustrating.
The avoidant ones don't suffer as much as you since they prefere affairs over a relationship. Better run. I know from own experience. Try to find healing and a healthy available partner.
The final thoughts SO KEY! This is right on, and refreshingly devoid of making either party the 'bad one' or use of uneeded labelling. Just addressing the trauma and behaviours in a factual way. Thank you!!
EMarie-3 Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
Anyone else found that yourself and your partner completely switcharood? I used to be avoidant in the beginning, he was anxious. When he became frustrated with my attachment style and I could feel him pulling away - we became the opposites. Now he is so avoidant and I don’t know how to stop being so anxious and for us both to find that secure balance
WOW I wish I could give a standing ovation!! Im just now learning the importance of knowing your attachment style! In all my 35 years of life I wondered why I was wired a certain way and respond to love the way I did. It ALL make sense now... Certain parts of the video I had to pause and collect myself because everything was soo spot on!!! Now I'm ready to heal this thing. I want healthy connections 😩 🙏🏾
🧡🧡 pray that you will have them!
This is the most informative video I’ve found on this. Thank you for addressing so many things in such detail. ❤
Dated an avoidant for few months and he drove me crazy! They do the exact opposite of the promises they make during the early stages. They make you second guess your role in the relationship and it’s not a good insight.
It feels like avoidants want the privileges of being in a relationship without taking any responsibility. Please avoid them like the plague. They destroy even a healthy mind and drive you crazy
I came across one of your videos regarding Anxious attachment style. It was so spot on that it was embarrassing. I’m a 52 yo man and I have struggled all my life with this and never knew why I felt the way I do an why I seam to blow up all my relationships. I’m married to a rolling stone for 15 years and I’m desperately trying find peace. It just feels to late for me and the anxiety and depression is just getting crippling. Not sure where to start.
Oh man, sorry to hear this. Its not too late. You deserve happiness, i know it sucks to go through this. So, start it somehow, atleast you could spend rest of your life making your relationship better!
It’s not too late, do the work, invite her in..and she’s not into ..move on, and keep healing yourself
This showed up on my feed at the right time! I even took notes and saved it just so I can reference it again! Thank you so much! It just brought a light on my own situation.
QodaGM Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
In, 34 years, ive yet to find such comment on youtube ability to simply convey this topic [which is so important to every human]. A+, and keep up the amazing work/videos!
for the relationship to work, the anxious avoidant will need to take a double degree in psychology and psychiatry to manage the dismissive avoidant.
*raises hand* maybe I didn't got a degree, but suspecting autism spectrum I started
reading psychology years ago and know a ton. Many ppl randomly called me "you're like a therapist".
Using that knowledge with empathy VERY MUCH
with my Fearful Avoidant- feels like a good challenge and test to my knowledge,
but still, when I'm exhausted from overwork or lack of my hobbies for long time,
my anxious attachment flares up from the dephs of secure attachment.
Dismissive avoidant? welp, that's beyond my abilities. Tried once and at job one has been
attacking me for months. So you're right, they need to date a true therapist ^^;
Well well, as we all know avoidants come in various degrees....
🧡
Wow. You must be the proverbial fly on my wall with the avoidance description. My hubby EXACTLY. HOWEVER. He has not been that way all our married life. We had a huge enormous emotional upheaval and since then he has slowly descended into the avoidant big time. 😪
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Sarah Gillian Bower. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
All I can say is “wow”!!! Not only will I save this video, I know I will need to watch it several times to really let this sit in my spirit/psyche for a minute! (I’ve even tried to take notes 📝! Jeez!)
I feel the same way. It's so much information all at once but... wow... all of it... I feel like she was describing my relationship the whole time!
I took notes too! 😆
You are head and shoulders above all the other relationship coaches out there. You offer a very nuanced explanation of these dynamics beyond the cliches. Amazing (I'm also learning a lot so thanks!)
Great video. I took from this video the importance of valuing myself equally, not less; and that when you have evidence that your partner does not value your needs equally you must not allow yourself - out of fear or low self esteem or because you think leaving or closing a door is always bad - to be convinced to stay. The words you are being told must be interpreted alongside the behavior.
Thank you, this is the best episode of the series on DAs. Lot of exact descriptions. You nailed those sentences, I hear often. DAs hardly accept their fault. Do not want to work on themselves. We treat them like princesses and they treat us as manure.
You kinda missed the point of the video? Deep down you both feel the same way; you’re worried the real you isn’t loveable. You just project that fear in different ways.
i guess im an anxious type but im self aware for a while now, now that im single again I'd work on myself and hopefully i can find someone who'd care for my needs just as much as their own.
Luckily secure attachment & even anxious attachment can successful workout better than an Avoidant ....the numbers of them are on our side. Best of luck !!
I wish I had found this years a go. You really have really verbalized alot of the "why am I like this?" questions I have been trying to figure out for the past 25 years
This was so insightful and comprehensive. Your specific recommendations regarding trigger statements was illuminating. I recognized but never understood the attraction between attachment types until now. I can't thank you enough.
So good that you highlighted personality disorders and how likely it is that an an avoidant can be a narcissist or psychopath.
This has been the best video on this topic I have seen yet. Thank you so very much
This was truly insightful. In the past I've considered relationships anxious/avoidant when they were in fact, abusive. This demonstrates a clear difference.
They lacked the "they value your feelings as much as their own" sentiment. I'm in a happy, long term, relationship with someone who isn't avoidant but struggled to understand why I gravitated to that for so long.
This is the most helpful information I've seen. Thank you!
"never have to surrender to the act of receiving" - incredible. yes.
This is the best, most thorough video I've seen on the AA trap. The sad thing is, the person she describes at the end is me. Thank goodness for therapy! It's a long road though.
This video has been very helpful, thank you. One thing I would like to suggest is not to try to make up new terms for existing ones. Anxious is good enough, no need for open hearts. It is complicated enough already for us, mortals.
I'm really glad to hear you found the video helpful! Your point about not complicating things with new terms is well-taken. I totally get that the world of relationships and psychology is intricate enough without adding another layer of jargon.
About the 'new adjectives,' I think language is a huge constructor of our realities, and just because a bunch of psychologists decide to call a collection of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors one thing, doesn't make it the best thing to call it. A large part of my mission is showing people how to take charge of their own narratives, and I do that by taking charge of the language I use. It's about empowerment, but I absolutely get that it can be overwhelming.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. Your feedback not only helps me, but it also contributes to the broader discussion that we're all a part of. Cheers! 😊
This is the best video I've seen on this topic to date. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I will continue to work on myself so that I can be secure and gravitate towards someone who is secure as well.
Hey guys I’m finally out woooooo since December 17 from my avoidant ex. I’m now with a stable and I am so happy. I wasted 4 years of my life but I’m finally out yayyy❤🎉 you can do it 😊
Wow! This was so helpful in understanding why my relationship didn’t work.
Dear Briana; i very much like this cd it triggers my relationship I am in and you are 100percent correct the approach to these type of communication has to be carefully spoken. These type of people instantly put up a wall claiming I am the one wanting to start a fight when in reality i am trying to get my feeling across Explaining something takes to repeat the same at least 2 to 3times I get so frustrated when I take extra time to report something they ask me to do, and when finish explaining they ask the same questions again to work on what they ask already. Anyway, your good advise. helps me understand why they can drive me crazy and make me feel like Iam wasting my time and good will.
This was excellent. I am currently in therapy with 2 holistic women who are exceptional in their field. I am the people pleaser and man I’ve been doing all I can to change. This video was great. Thank you.
Sarah Gillian Bower Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Wow... Right down to The marrow of the bone...
I've seen a lot of these videos from different people. All of them have been educational and seem to resonate. But for some reason your videos are so much a reflection of what I'm going through it's almost as if you have cameras watching my life.
It just confirms just how much of a prevalent situation this is in life in general.
I've always had the thought process that the problems we deal with within ourselves as well as in relationships really aren't that nuanced. They're definitely simple problems that we add a level of complexity to due to ignorance of ourselves.
Thank you so much for your videos. Please continue to do what you're doing. We all appreciate you.
I am glad i found this topic as I think thats what my girls issue is. I love her deeply and carried this torch for many years, shes the only one i feel intimate with but could never seem to land her as my partner, ive seen her get married and have relationships but never with me, and ive deeply desired that for many years. I feel we are growing closer and i want to understand her so i can be the best lover i can be for her, the issue i feel is that without a doubt i know she is the one, and i know if i can have the chance i can prove it. Our intimacy is amazing ive never felt anything like it.
Sounds like limerence.
Move on broZ
Ive been married to my best friend for 28+ years. Weve been going through this cycle for the enire 28 years. We have a strong connection for awhile, then i seemed to back off and not show her how i felt about her. In turn she would "put up walls around her heart" to protect herself. I never accepted my part in the cycle. But my eyes have been opened now and i realize that my insecurities caused me to do the same protection cycle. Her childhood was very rough with her parents not being there for her emotionally, so it would make sense that she would have anxious attachment style. But my childhood wasnt nearly as bad, however my dad was very narcissistic and controling. So i did take on some of his bad behaviors. Recently, i have been made aware of the way my behavior can make people feel and have been working diligently to self correct. I have began therapy and am feeling like im on a great path. However, my wife has grown too tired of the cycle and we both assumed it was just may behavior that was causing it. After learning about anxious attachment, i feel like we both have that style and i think couples therapy could save us. But she just wants to end things. I just want her to be happy, but now understanding what our actual problems may have been, i want to work through it. Any advice?
Thanks for sharing. This is the same dynamic between my husband and me. We are coming up on 10 years together and have come to the conclusion we need to both heal and course correct. I am happy for you for getting help and hope you and your wife can make it work.
@Impactfully Thanks. I hope you and your husband can work through these issues. My wife is at a point where she is just finished with our relationship. So no matter how much I'm willing to do to make healthy changes to make our relationship as strong as it was in the beginning, for her it's too late. But she is my absolute best and really only friend. We have 3 grown children together. The 22 and 26 year old are living with us right now and we care for a 13 year old boy with down syndrome and his 7 year old sister. They are our friends kids and we've been helping with them since they were born. So we still live together, help raise the friends kids together, and we own a business together. So this sucks sooooo bad. Hope you and your husband are both willing to keep trying. Good luck.
Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience.
What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation.
These videos might offer some insight.
When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras th-cam.com/video/604gZk4iIFQ/w-d-xo.html
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? th-cam.com/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/w-d-xo.html
Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap th-cam.com/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/w-d-xo.html
[1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like th-cam.com/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/w-d-xo.html
[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap th-cam.com/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/w-d-xo.html
Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? th-cam.com/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/w-d-xo.html
Thank you, this is really helping me to understand my last 35 years, his mother has died who interfered as well in our relationship and had him stay with her in his avoidant phases plying him with alcohol. She abandoned him for a few years in his teens as did his father.I thought her death would of helped us move forward but he is now heavily drinking at her house for last six months and now thinking about starting a new relationship with someone from the past who drinks as well, but now he is gutted he would even think to do that, so sad when we do actually both still really care about each other and he really dosnt want to hurt me as he does deeply care for me and I know that and we have five children some with Autism. Years ago we went to counselling and he had nothing to do with his mother for five years and stopped drinking, life was amazing and normal until he started seeing his Mum again and the old patterns started again until here we are with him getting so poorly from alcohol, he wants us to remain friends, what can I do to help him ? Xx
This might be the best video I’ve seen about avoidant partners because you skillfully focused more on the dynamic rather than shaming the avoidant. I think I might be dating an avoidant and this video really helped to show me how I am contributing to the problem, my own flaws in attachment styles and when to call it quits if need be. I’ve found sooo many videos on avoidants and believe that it’s way too easy to blame your partner. I feel stronger than ever moving forward. Thanks so much!!!
I'm thrilled to hear that you found the video so impactful! It's all too easy to point fingers in relationships, especially when things are not going as we'd hoped. However, understanding that both parties contribute to the dynamic can be a game-changer. Knowing your own attachment style and recognizing your own patterns can empower you to make healthier decisions for yourself and your relationship. It sounds like you're on the path to not just understanding your partner better, but also growing as an individual. That's the kind of insight that can make a difference in every area of your life. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing how the video has helped you feel stronger moving forward. Best of luck to you in your journey! 😊
Great video. Any suggestions on how to improve anxious attachment styles so that I can better deal with the avoidant?
Thank you for explaining this attachment style of the pushing pole. I am a insecure, anxious, attachment, person, and my husband is completely avoidant. But we know how to communicate and work hard to meet each other’s needs. Thank you for explaining this so Much appreciate.
18:08 you eloquently dismantled the “If he wanted to he would” argument
The trigger phrases are spot on!
Artisttrw Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
You described our marriage. I am the anxious and my wife is avoidant. Our marriage is in a bad place.
You guys may benefit some Anxious and Avoidant attachment therapy separately.. this is me and my fiancé. All aspects of our lives are amazing except with a few things and the few are a road block.😢
good luck. my DA initiated a divorce through email after 10 years married. give your significant other space and work on you, itll help you that way if things go totally sideways, you are prepared…
The final thoughts section is my exact situation. I tried to express my needs in a healthy way and collaborate on solutions, but she just got defensive and pushed me away and criticised and I felt even more unheard. I don’t know how to encourage her to work on herself, so I just had to leave. I miss her all the time.
this is me and she dumped me, im still hoping shell come back for a fix. idk if I should wait or let her go, since I realized holding her back isn't working
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Rich McKee Guitars. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
She dumped by anxious ass kinda "itll take a few months for you to heal and we can be back" i smile she giggles. The night i was in so much pain because she was just avoiding me for literally 2weeks prior and i was a ball of postivity so i got drunk & snapped on her via voice notes. So she blocked me (still I'm) i send her flowers after 2 weeks of no contact with a sweet note. She posted a story of her and the flowers ( something she never did before ) then the next morning i got a "thanks for the flowers but we are over text." She always said " i don't need you" " dont underestimate my ability to leave " "I'm independent" i never understood any of it until now after the breakup my paradigm shifited to this Knowledge.
Or sometimes I think I have this unconscious thought that I don’t truly deserve connection. That I am not worthy. And if I receive it it’s so far from my belief it causes anxiety. I’ve settled so nicely into the belief that I don’t matter. Working on it!
The core feeling of anxious attachment is a fear of true intimacy.. I was just realizing this today
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Jacqueline.
Thanks for helping the world to become a safer place.
Also, that was a pretty touching ending.....
This has so many great things in it. Thank you for the education. This helps a lot!
This was so wholesome and I got the answers I needed!
The only way a relationship can work is by practicing healthy communication!
If both parties are willing to work on it, the relationship will succeed.
Chemistry & other things like sharing fun activities are ofc a given part of it all :)
+ it’s okay to say good bye, if they don’t wanna work on it with you. What else do you wanna do? There is no compromise for completely disregarding your own needs!
I’m glad this video was helpful. It sounds like you got a lot out of it. Thank you for commenting.
I'm anxious and my husband is avoidant. We have been married for 23 years, and it's been so very hard. Of course I recognize that I have work to do, he thinks he's just fine and everything will be ok when I deal with my trauma 🙄. Little does he understand, he is just as neurotic.
Same, 16 years, but we might be over by the end of the year 😔
@@ErinSmith-jo8td I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can do this either. I'm growing and finally seeing things and they really don't like my boundaries. They as in my husband and kids. Nobody wants boundaries or accountability. He is so avoidant it's an act of God to get him to have the smallest bit of insight and I'm just getting too old and tired. I have a great therapist thankfully 💜. Keep growing and working on you.
My girlfriend of 4 years left me for another guy a month ago, we were engaged 6 months. I'm the avoidant I think, she's definitely anxious plus abandonment issues most likely. I wish I knew all of this stuff just a couple months ago, I feel like I could've saved it, but I don't think she is able or willing to put in the work. I've learned so much in the past month; hundreds of hours. I wish you luck, find a way to break through to your partner if you can. I miss mine so much.
@@diatonicjon if she doesn't want to put in the work then it's not worth it. But, you may be surprised and still get another chance. If she is with someone who is the opposite of you it may be that she's just coping and trying to get love bombed from lack of affection. That will wear off eventually and she will want something sturdy back and may reach out.
@@ErinSmith-jo8td how did it go with you? Still together ?
Hands down the best video on the topic.
Agreed
Just had my first relationship with a woman (I'm a lesbian) and it was wonderful but my anxious tendencies made her panic and run 😢 I discovered attachment types in the breakup. I've been looking for a book on how to effectively love an avoidant dismissive person and there are only 2 books out there apparently and neither give actual advice. This is the most helpful video I've seen and I've watched a LOT about these attachment types. Thank you. I really hope my ex-girlfriend comes back eventually after having some space. She's the love of my life. Would be so useful for us to watch this together and work on these strategies.
I suggest the book "Your Brain on Love" by Stan Tatkin. It gives practical advice on the things you can do to make your partner better and what you can do that will make them worse based on attachment style
I'm touched to hear that the video resonated with you during such a pivotal time. Anxious and avoidant dynamics can be challenging, especially in a first relationship. While books can offer insights, real growth often comes from lived experiences and active work on self-awareness. I genuinely hope you and your ex find a path that brings you both happiness, whether together or separately. Meanwhile, use this time to focus on understanding your own attachment needs and how you can meet them in healthy ways. There's always room for growth and second chances. 🌈💕
I find myself in a relationship that is as described. I have never had a healthy boyfriend/husband relationship. I want to know what that looks like. I have triggers and this current relationship is bringing up all my codependency.
Same
Some of these descriptions are amazing, but in some ways, the lingo makes me bewildered.
Great video, gonna watch this with my lady. Shes fearful-avoidant and I'm anxious-preoccupied. Not because anything feels seriously wrong, but as a means to get ahead of potential roadblocks in the future.
That's a great idea! It's always good to be proactive and address any potential challenges in a relationship.
i really loved this video. it probably would of really helped me years ago in my relationship. however, i've moved on and don't want to rebuild any type of relationship, friendship or even be an acquaintance to my ex. this video will be helpful encase i find myself in another troubled relationship.
love the video thank you so much.
Well done. Very informative. Thank you.
I think both me and my boyfriend are spice of lifers! Im more avoidant but still have anxious attachment thoughts and tendencies. He is more anxious but still has avoidant thoughts and actions. As a result I believe we constantly bounce around and never come to any solutions. If we do, somehow, we are both emotionally exhausted and have to settle on anything for us both to feel at peace with each other. We both really want to be together, I have a harder time connecting with him when he seems so sure about me. We both have intense pasts, and or cultural upbringings that have impacted us and has caused so much insecurity. Thank you for clarifying that there is an existing mix of attachment styles, referred to as spice of lifers. Now using your tips and triggers I can introduce some ideas to my boyfriend and we can start to understand why we feel things and what triggers us.
This is incredible