How to THRIVE with an AVOIDANT man (17 STEPS)
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ธ.ค. 2022
- 20 feminine energy principles :
www.margaritanazarenko.com/20...
Amazon book list :
www.amazon.com/shop/margarita...
Become Magnetic (Free Ebook):
www.margaritanazarenko.com/
BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko podcast:
podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast...
open.spotify.com/show/7D9nPxi...
How to become securely attached:
• HOW I went from ANXIOU...
How to detach:
• HOW to DETACH. Detachm...
Business Inquiries:
www.mgmt.com.au/creator/marga...
Email me:
info@margaritanazarenko.com
Talk To Me:
snipfeed.co/margaritanazarenk... - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
If you’re secure, an avoidant WILL make you anxious. They will literally destroy your self-esteem. It’s so messed up and totally not worth it.
This! I think back to years ago and wonder, what happened to me , I wasn't always like this. I was happy and confident before, now, I don't even know that person.
My therapist told me, “If you weren’t anxious before, you would have become anxious after dating him.” But he was disorganized attachment which is even more extreme than avoidant
If you were securely attached, how people do or do not respond to your expectations of them would not be taken so personally. As she said, avoidant people run from feelings of enmeshment. Feeling destroyed by being avoided seems like your identity was built on the relationship or the partner instead of yourself as a whole and separate person to begin with; ergo being securely attached.
I don't agree with that. If you have a good connection with any man/women you need to water the relationship. Communication is key. I have been secure in some relationships, I have been anxious in one, and I have been described as avoidant in one. Everyone you meet is unique so the idea to trash love because you think you are two diff styles or are slightly anxious is pretty sad. Instead try to communicate, open your partner to communicate. You'd be surprised how much love a man can offer if he feels heard and also feels like he truly hears more than just an ultimatum or "surface need" but how you truly feel. We want nothing more than our women to feel happy and that she's in safe fulfilling relationship.
If you are secure, an incessant anxious person will also drain you over time and push you towards avoiding them.
I really don't see the value in these kind of statements. I also cannot say that dating Avoidant men has affected my self-esteem. I moved from Disorganized attachment to Secure attachment while dating an Avoidant who has not done any therapy. I think this video is really helpful and affirming to me, because I already incorporated these 17 tips into my connection with them, and we are doing a lot better for it. It's actually the most safe, comfortable and healthy relationship I have been in.
Your Security is mostly determined by your own awareness and your capacity to differentiate your emotions from another, process and self-regulate difficult emotions and assert your boundaries and needs.
I had a secure attachment style then dated an avoidant and became anxious. I highly advise to stay away from avoidants if you can.
i agree.
I don’t think people are 100% or secure, anxious, or avoidant.
@@SheriCheri94agreed !!
Same
I endorse this message. Stay away if they are not willing to acknowledge the pain they cause because of the behaviors associated with their attachment style and do some healing work on themselves. A relationship should not make you feel like you are walking on egg shells 24x7.
I also find that avoidant partners are extremely good at helping in general. They'll do dishes, take out garbage, help move furniture, they will do pretty much anything their loved one needs, and I think it's because they try to compensate for their deficiencies.
Yes. My avoidant husband will do anything I ask EXCEPT be vulnerable. And physically intimate. But other than that, I say jump, he says how high. I've come to believe that doing things for me is the only way he knows how to express love. Because he can't show it through emotional connection or physical affection.
My bf is an avoidant. I’m very anxious.. he’s helped me become a very strong person. Yes it’s so much work but the love is there. He has his own way of showing me love, like doing things for me and telling me how it is, which for me, works. I don’t like needy people in general. Communication is key. Straight forward yes or no questions work best and not jumping to conclusions. He’s the strongest person I know and I keep his vulnerabilities and heart safe. These relationships take time so patience and loyalty is a must.
@@vanessarodriguez5102 Same boat. Beautifully written.
@@vanessarodriguez5102 I love what you wrote! If you’re an anxious person the last thing you want is another anxious! That’s cool that you can learn from each other. Makes sense.
As an "avoidant" man, I spent most of my time as a child alone and able to freely be myself, or around others, and constantly ridiculed for literally the littlest things, or things I couldn't help/was just born like that - vulnerability and irresponsible behavior was met with swift punishment.
Didn't feel "seen" and valued for that, until I became close with my (now) wife in my teens.
Even now, I still struggle with it. Intimacy is avoided by men like myself because it is fundamentally terrifying from experiences when we were very young, some of which we likely don't even remember.
All in all, my point is that I appreciate this comment. I'd do anything for anyone I love, and if I don't need something, and it'd make someone else happy (unless they're shitbags) I'd gladly give it away without even thinking about it. Watching people's eyes light up with a "childish glee" is the greatest pleasure I have in life (especially loved ones), and that's likely because I was robbed of it.
Do be wary of men whom haven't learned to introspect, though. They won't realize what they're doing or why, and probably have a tendency to project, as my experience didn't exactly teach me "reality testing" and I've had a reflex to blame externalities, myself.
Men are raised to be strong in a outward sense: the nuance for true inner strength has been nearly lost because of this superficial focus.
My advice to you, should you ever raise a boy, is to help them find balance between these two strengths (inner vs. outer). Both are important.
I have been married to an avoidant man for the past seven years. This is the first time I have heard about attachment styles, and he is definitely an avoidant man. I would say I was secure. I am extremely busy and not an anxious person, I would say. But throughout the years, I've become very anxious. Less secure. And my self-esteem had a big hit. By instinct, I followed most of the 17 steps for the last couple of years. Give home space. Found a hobby. I have filled my time with my kids. But it's almost impossible not to take his avoidant personally. I do think an avoidant person is a selfish person.
I’m in the very same boat. UGGGGGHHHHH
Maybe. Or maybe you lack self awareness and are attracted to him because he's your yin to your yang. He's in pain too. Calling him selfish is selfish too.
Maybe her calling him selfish is just stating an observation of his behaviour. The avoidant can hurt people. Their behaviour may be due to their wounds, but it is still self-serving.
Okay , can you guys go for therapy, like is that possible?
Anxious people dont see how avoidants actually DO love. Anxious people are spoiled
1. Be patient
2. Safe place
3. How they view needs
4. They don't understand mutual dependency
5. Avoid controlling them
6. Respect their alone time
7. Don't interrupt their alone time
8. Have your own social circle
9. Use sexuality as a barrier
10. If you take their space personally, they will want more space
11. Say how you feel without you statements
12. Heal yourself
13. Compliment don't criticize
14. Make requests and turn them into desires
15. If they start to shut down, discontinue the conversation for a later time
16. Validate their feelings
17. Explain you know they want to be alone and let's plan a date
You forgot the most important one:
PRETEND IT DOESN'T HURT
@@michaelhill2933 is that so??? Tell me you are joking because I keep telling him it hurts😢😢😢😢
They dont do this for us so why should we ? Im tired of these avoidant people
Why do they date people if they always want to be alone
@@wilvarosa9336 it makes no sense right? Like we're suppossed to be an enabler to avoidant behavior. That's basically what she's saying. I personally feel like when someone is not meeting your needs, sometimes you need to take away what you provide to their needs for your own mental health. So you don't feel so empty inside. Most avoidants only feel comfortavke avoiding you when they don't have a fear of losing you, so take away their certainty. Have some dignity and let em know. I know how it feels to be needed in a relationship and this ain't it. If u aint gonna put in the effort, I'll just find someone else
@@BlueBlue23 I'm being sarcastic
I can't handle a person who is comfortable shutting off on me and makes me feel like I am bothering them when I want to talk
I have been with my partner for 9 years now and it doesn’t get easier when they shut off to I’m really trying to figure out how I can’t deal with it but it’s horrible feeling being on the other end 😢
Exactly!! I mean who tf wants to deal w this bullshit, we are human beings with feelings n being a woman already embodies the whole emotional system, why compromise on that by going through this with an avoidant
I had a relationship with an avoidant… my advice is stay away. I remember literally always waiting on this person,trying not to crowd them, neglecting myself and my needs. In the end it became too much and I confronted him…his response was ghosting me. Just listening to this brings back memories and I realise that by virtue of being with such a man I was just not being kind to myself… yes he did have some amazing qualities but he was just not someone fit for a healthy relationship. I think my trying to make things work was partially due to low self esteem… I’ve worked on myself alot since then and I’d honestly advise anyone who is trying to make things work with an avoidant to rather go to therapy and work on themselves so they can figure out why they are so unkind to themselves as to want such an association with an avoidant.
Well said!!!
This is so spot on with the situation I had went through
Hear hear!
Feels like reading my own experience.
It becomes all about them and you won't get your needs met. That's how it was with me.
or 1 rather easy or hard step: break up. I am honestly defeated trying to get love and affection from someone so clearly avoiding to even confront themselves with their issues. I have tried to initiate conversation, work on his issues together (I have managed my anxious attachment really well) but ultimately it is not my job to raise and heal a grown man. Although it hurts me deeply. I look at people around me that have partners who are openly caring and expressing their love for them and I finally realized I deserve this too. I don't have to make excuses for someone else, wondering what their true feelings and intentions might be. Don't destroy your progress or suffer for the behavior someone elses trauma caused. I love your channel though, just speaking from personal experience. I'm sure it differs from person to person as well.
no offense but i feel like you want his 100% at all times attention when youre around. which is unfair because i can say for a fact you dont even do that for him. go look for someone who will treat you like "a queen" but all relationships experience and move past the always doing things together phase. we all get to the point in relationships where it is less the time we spend together thats important and more what we do for each other to live meaningful lives not just for each other but the children that may be present or in the future.
Agreed, it's simply not worth it. Getting anything out of a DA- like even a basic, minimal level of reciprocation- is like searching and buying all your own Christmas and birthday presents, wrapping them yourself, clearing your own schedule to make time to give them to you, and then letting the DA put their name on the card and say it came from them. For your whole. Entire. Relationship.
This has been exactly my experience with both every DA and every narcissist. Even though the former is an attachment style and the latter is a personality disorder, there is no meaningful difference for the experience of the partner of either of these types- and again, I've been in relationships with both on multiple occasions.
If you want to do that much work for that little return, go ahead. Lord knows PDS has a mountain of content for "how to make it work" with a DA. But instead of working to get an emotionally and/or sexually anorexic DA to show up like a partner with you, I really suggest healing yourself and finding someone secure. This is because, no matter how well the DA may respond to your efforts, you WILL be doing all the work, all the time. Whether the DA is incapable or they simply don't want to, they never give as good as they're getting in relationships- when they even give at all.
Personally, I will NEVER sign on for that again. I didn't do all this work to heal my FA attachment to go and waste it on another one-sided relationship.
@@howtosober I know exactly what you are saying. My healing most definitely regressed being with him again after many years apart. At first it felt different. I was different. Responded different. But then there's a switch. Where you can't keep holding up their emotions and needs all while denying your own. It's just not healthy. No mature conversation holds up for longer than a week.I see no happy medium with it. Be a doormat or leave is the only actual option with them. Staying I personally think will only trauma bond you to them, hanging on for the crumbs of affection they throw your way. It is not a way to live. It turns into existing. Just my opinion of course.
@@joeym3147 sounds like you’re just selfish. My boyfriend works 12 hours a day with no breaks on The Weeknd, then he gets 6 hours of sleep. Meaning he only has 5 hours to himself. He still makes time for me. Even if we go days where we don’t see each other in person he will get on the phone with me while he does college work or cooks or does laundry. He still talks to me and confronts disagreements directly. Everyone deserves this.
This is exactly right. As I continue to move from anxious to secure these past few years, I realize that being with avoidants is a total turn off to me now. I hear that's one of the signs of moving towards a secure attachment style. You don't make excuses for people who are not working on their issues while you are. I have regulated my nervous system now, and I don't engulf people anymore, but I also don't want to be with someone who can't allow themselves to get too close anymore. I prefer secure attachers now! That's the definition of healing :)
I really thought they were worth it,but i honestly think nobody is worth this much energy and detailed thinking when they do nothing for my well being in return.I will be sitting here analysing his attachment style watching psychology videos taking notes,always tiptoe around him so that things work out for us, would he do the same for me?I doubt it.Thats how i could bring myself to end my relationship.I would rather pour all this energy into myself and make an actual invesment for someone who would always be there for me,me.
AGREEEDDDD
SLAAYEEEDDDD
@elifsu7346; You are Learning what SELF LOVE is. Nobody Deserves to get what they are Not willing to Give.
So real. Better to invest that energy into yourself
I couldn't have said it better 👏🏻
You are a very wise woman. Dated someone whos avoidant (its very sad what her parents did to make her that way). Shes an absolutly lovely women but as she said to me...broken. The relationship destroyed me but made me who I am now by learning about avoidants and sorting my own attachment out. Powerful times. Anyone dating an avoidant...be very very careful. If you feel your self esteem self worth or sanity diminishing... please.. walk away. Awesome video
Yea I agree I’d never date one again. To me it’s essentially someone emotionally unavailable. They will bring out the worst in you and you will have zero peace while being starved for love and commitment. No thank you!
I would add Ron do not walk and I agree the slate is desperate people need to get help
They will sabotage the relationship with any means
I ran into one and he drove me absolutely bonkers because I didn't know what I was dealing with.
Then I took a closer look at his background. I'm still not sure what I'm looking at, but definitely ptsd and childhood trauma and a sort of codependency tendency and then the anxiety level gets too high for him and he withdraws.
It's a cycle.
I get why I attract these people, because I am empathetic and independent or atleast that's what I'm projecting to the outside world I suppose.
On the inside I'm questioning if I want to live my life settling for less, but then again when he does open up to me it's super sweet and I feel like he's trying.
I pour abundant love into myself so I'm not dependent on the avoidants love per se. Being overly loved and depended on etc actually scares me.
Now I'm questioning if I'm the avoidant attacher in this equation 😆
Strong possibility...
@@manifest52 you sound like an absolute headache
Holy fuck, after I listened to this and read the comments, I see that NO, I am NOT crazy. These assholes will convince you that you are always the problem no matter what. They will do and say and act however they please with zero regard to anyone else, and push all responsability on to you, never taking accountability. They never see that they are in the wrong, and they simply do not care, in fact they get even more angry and defensive when being called out. I have tried absolutely everything to make my relationship work. I have completely changed my personality, lifestyle, allowed disgusting behaviour to go on without consequences, I bearly even get a half assed apology when he finally comes around after 3 or 4 days of ignoring me, as if I am being punished even though he is the problem. These comments just prove my points, validated me, and I realize just how horribly I've been treated for years, and IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
omg sis, I feel you on every level! It's the truth!!! I had the same experience. If person is thinking you are the core of the problem then relationships will not work. Why do we need to do step forward over and over again when person doesn't appreciate it and takes everything for granted?! Even if person is avoidant they can be empathic! When your partner is trying to understand you, trying to build healthy relationships why do you need to avoid all the time? Why you can't just talk openly about your issues? Why are you behaving as a jerk? It's a choice! It's a choice to ignore, don't count with your partner and behave as a child in critical situations! It's impossible to cover everything with "I'm an avoidant! Deal with it somehow!". No, thank you. Everyone has their limits! And it's definitely not your fault you want to be loved and heard. It's normal to have it in relationships!
I have never related more in my 5 years of marriage
We've all seen this situation a thousand times. A woman being demanding and creating unilateral expectations for him, then the man says "No" and she decides to withdraw from him as punishment for his non-compliance. Then she gets mad that he doesn't react to her withdrawing, all because her manipulative tactics for getting her way, at his expense, backfired.
And of course the woman rationalizes this post facto via ad hominem and asserting unsupported unilateral claims like "He SHOULD do X for me." or "I DESERVE X from him."
Why? Why should he? Why do you deserve? Women don't have an answer for this. What are you doing for him of equal or greater value than the demands you're making? What can you actually withhold that would convince him?
Nothing.
Want to know why he can detach from you so easily? Why you have no leverage over him? Why he can ignore you and be fine, probably better than when you're around? It's because you're not adding much value to his life, you don't bring much to the table. He'll be fine without you because you are not his focus or his purpose and he doesn't need you. And that's exactly why you were attracted to him.
If he made you his focus, if he needed you, you'd dump him immediately. You'd be disgusted.
I totally understand what you said. What he has said to me is “You are the problem. Go away. Stop talking. You re complaining. “. He makes problem so i have to discuss but entire situation always go wrong and i am being moron and gaslighted by this men. So overall, the way he behaves makes me more anxious rather than more being attracted to him.
Anxious/preoccupied personalities have the potential for the most abuse. They’re not willing to change and project their issues onto other people when people do not act in the way they decide they “need” to act. Talk to a behavioral therapist and they would agree
I'm always attracted to avoidant guys and I don't think that will magically change... what I learned in my experience is that if the guy really likes you, he will be aware of his own flaw and communicate it to you and hope you can still be with him, rather than let you chase him and confront why he's avoidant. And also, don't give a bad behavior guy another chance just because you can label him as "avoidant". If he doesn't want to or fail to make a change on a specific thing you bring up, such as having at least 1 text message per day, just give up, there's no way he can meet your needs.
Thank you for your insight!!!!
Same girl! & what you said is so true!!
I don't think a dismissive avoidant can ever like someone enough to chase them. Fearful avoidants are the ones who chase and then they panic when they get too close. It's easy to end a relationship with a dismissive avoidant because they don't ask you to stay while fearful avoidants blow hot and cold. So when a fearful avoidant is about to lose you, they might even ask you to wait and talk. Dismissive avoidants tend to care more for their own self preservation and are more likely to convince themselves that pursuing anyone is a literal waste of time. If you ask them to choose the relationship or choose breaking up, they will choose breaking up every single time.
What you said just simply that he is not I to you” rather than he is an “ avoidant” person.
@@lunabella8944he's still avoidant you can not be that into some one and communicate properly if they can't directly say hay I enjoyed our time but this isn't for me THATS AVOIDANCE him not being into her while still dealing with her is not a valid excuse that comment alone means nothing lol
I dated an avoidant once. At first it was extremely difficult we had just moved in together and I was in the honey moon phase of it. And he just wanted me to leave him alone. It took me a while. But eventually I did. Looking back it was kind of sad because I created this entire life that he really didn’t know anything about. (He was also extremely introverted and never liked to go out)
What happened was that eventually I grew happier. Found more hobbies built alot more friendships. And ultimately he became anxious and insecure about it and one day blew up on me. That I made him feel abandoned and lonely.
It was so confusing to me. And I felt terrible about it. So I stopped. I realized how insecure I made him feel and started to put more effort into the relationship. That wasn’t what he wanted. Lol it didn’t take alot of time for me to realize that he just wanted me at home with him. Not really interacting but just physically around. All interactions felt on his term. It made me lonely as hell.
After that experience I’d probably just stay away from people who are avoidant. It’s just not healthy for me. It’s walking on eggshells in your own home. Silent treatment after arguments. Just too much. And too confusing.
This is isolation/abusive, so sorry to hear. I hope you're in a better place now
This is literally what I am living with right now. I honestly don't know what to do. Every move I make ends up being wrong. Speak about my needs: wrong--I'm 'riding his ass'. Make my own plans and try to give him space: wrong--who am I sneaking around with. The silent treatments are growing longer and longer. We are now looking at like 5 days long. He won't even look at me, which makes me feel worthless and heart broken.
@@bridgettepar3 think you know the answer right? Save yourself
@@bridgettepar3 this went on for 7 years. It never changed. Don’t be like me, try to find a way out. It only gets worse.
Indeed - they don’t change for the better and it only gets worse with time
I am a male avoidant. Thank you. I didn’t know these terms existed 2 days ago. I see why I infuriate most women in my life better. I literally drive them mental and am not ever trying. It took your genuine communication for me to see it.
That’s very honest and open for you to admit that. Do u think u will make any changes now? If so what changes?
Female avoidant here. My romantic relationships have always been with male avoidant types. I'm committed now to staying single and enjoying my alone time.
Awwwn I love this honestly. Now work on yourself! Hun ❤
Interesting that he revealed his feelings, achieved some intimacy with this thread and then when asked to do deeper, he vanished. Just teasing!
@@happycleanhouse I was on meds that killed an ability to bond or communicate. That got fixed. Now I try to bond and communicate. Basically.
Dating an avoidant was really terrible for me and I left and my self esteem came back. I feel sorry for people married to avoidants I really do
Life is too short to waist it on an avoidant, you will always get back far less than what you put into them which is otherwise known as "bread crumbing". Find you someone that is healthy, mature and can display empathy and emotional intelligence. AVOID THE AVOIDANT! Run....dont walk.
As an avoidant I could say avoid the anxious as they act like children constantly needing to be reassured, several times a day, that you missed them during the 5 minutes they went to the bathroom
@retread01 as an avoidant what you should do is stay away from people and stop causing emotional devastation to the people that really and truly love you, go stick your head in the sand like all avoidants do and let life pass you by and leave everyone else alone. All DA/FA's alike are some type of hybrid cowardly narcs that has no empathy for anyone but themselves. Your barking up the wrong tree narc....
@retread01 you're talking about 6
16 year old. Look at a grown woman 26 and above. If she able to have kids with you give you space.... want to be with you and not just do hobbies and go off with other ppl... why tf ru avoidance married??? Why. Stay single jerks. Selfish Jerka They shower u in beginning text and call and minute you marrythem they change. I thought no no.. never. My guy loves and lives in talking to me being with me .... nah bee.. guys are selfish. Best crumbs.
@@DenkyManner This. When I find the right person they make me want to change all on my own truly. I feel like I've met a lot of self aware avoidants but I've only met one self aware fearful avoidant that was aware of their behavior. I think avoidant is probably the healthiest non-secure attachment style IMO. Fearful avoidants at the worst always seem to have serious borderline personality traits
@@nateo200Avoidant is not healthy. It's insecure. Still fear-based behavior. To even assert that is "most healthy" ironically highlights why it's toxic.
Usually I don't comment on videos. But as a man, I just felt really caught. I wasn't aware of my own personality dynamic. I didn't know I was the avoidant type. But so many things you described apply to me, it's insane. Especially the self-destructive "pushing away" aspect when I started to feel close to a woman. I left a handful of really great girls for, in hindsight, seemingly no reason. I'll give my best to grow as a person and be better.
1. Leave.
2. Meet someone with a healthy attachment style.
3. Enjoy your life!
Most with avoidant attachment styles were severely abused, abandoned, or in the case of the man I'm dating watched his father die in his arms at 8 years old.
Shall I abandon him too because of something he had no control over as a child? Or do we communicate, support, and continue to love deeply the people we care about?
@@HawaiiHolisticHealth You can rescue a puppy but you cannot rescue a man. He needs to do the work. All you can do is hold space for him while he is working on his issues. If he is not working on himself, you will just enable his unhealthy behavior. Women who rescue damaged men get dumped and replaced by women these men want to impress, unlike rescued puppies who will love you forever.
@@lilylife4426 ,
1. I don't "rescue" dogs or men.
2. I also don't boss strangers around on the internet.
3. Being a supportive partner/friend/cowoker, etc doesn't mean you're "rescuing" them, or doing things FOR them.
It means you work as a TEAM.
@@HawaiiHolisticHealth Good luck to you!
I married one of “these…” I had no idea what I was dealing with. (We married 33 years ago- divorced 22 yrs.) Dismissive avoidant wasn’t even a thing(at least all the therapists I went to never mentioned it- it was “me” my fault…). There is some truth to that- I was anxious and it was exasperated by his seemingly lack of interest and inability to connect. If anyone decides to enter a relationship/marriage with one of these people, they need to be prepared for a very lonely existence and prepared to go through any illness or infertility or death of loved one completely alone and emotionally unsupported.
If you are triggered in the dating phase of these relationships- wait until you get to parent with them. Your children will be heartbroken and you will have a front row seat. When they are adults it is almost worse. You can’t cover or try to make up for the hot and cold of their unavailable parent. It’s really really sad. Think twice before forcing this relationship to work.
Most things can be overcome, but it take a tremendous amount of self reflection and mental gymnastics. I am not convinced these people are really capable of overcoming their wounds.
i divorced my avoidant ex husband. Alot of it was my fault, i take accountability. but the loneliness and lack of passion for me was debilitating and exasperated my attachment injuries.
Thank you for saying that…I’m still heartbroken over my avoidant leaving me even though he did trigger childhood trauma but when it was good with him it was the best and then he’d withdraw…anyway, reading your comment I just felt that pain you described, going through hard times alone while you’re in a relationship with them or watching your own kids suffering the same way…I wouldn’t wish me any of that, our relationship and breaking up already hurt me enough. Thank you
@@kirakoltsova3011I am so sorry. It is very difficult. I don’t say this lightly… work on your “stuff” there is so much really good help out there now and organically a really healthy relationship will find you. Best❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing my ex is avoidant and i am enxious
I also married an avoidant. I'm an anxious/avoidant. The kicker with my ex was he was also a narcissist. I didn't know anything about attachment styles or narcissism while I was married to him and struggling to raise our two children without sinking into depression. I finally left him. I wish I had known all this the first instant I met that man. Life would have been very different for me. I think young people who have access to all this info now are so very lucky.
So many people shit on avoidants, but I really appreciate them. I appreciate the way they take time to react to things. I appreciate how invested they get into their hobbies, talents, work. I appreciate the way they don’t make their problems everybody’s problems. I appreciate what they’ve taught me about my own attachments. I appreciate how they often express love through actions and kind gestures and remembering the things you say you like. I appreciate the space they take, especially since I’m not great at taking my own space in relationships, as much as I need it. I appreciate how doggedly self-sufficient they are. And I appreciate that how when they do trust you, you feel like the most special person in the world. Now I just need to work on my own attachment issues so I can be attracted to someone with these attributes without losing my damn mind.
Are you an avoidant yourself? Because I'm not... and being with one completely made me go crazy! But since this video, I've learned a lot on how to navigate them... but they would also need to work a lot of their own issues.
@@xannecorinnex I'm fearful avoidant. Anxious people make me avoidant, avoidant people make me anxious. I get the worst of both worlds, wheeeeee.
Thank you! This was beautiful... as avoidant... what people don't realize, we don't like being this way, we have been trained to be this way due to our traumas. But it is our responsibility to fix.
@@lalaurlalala Agreed! I am a fearful avoidant too... I think anxious people don't understand how they show up in relationships, and it's in a way that makes you want to avoid them even more.
You clearly haven’t met the extreme avoidant that I know.
I am here to let you know that avoidant and anxious relationships do work, it just takes time and a lot of understanding and love!! I have been with my man for 3 years, and the first year was hard very hard I wanted to give up many times and my overthinking only made it worse, but we stuck together, we grew together we understood our attachment styles and recognize where we went wrong and we have change together for the better. So Don't give up, and be mindful, recognize your feelings, communicate with them, it is completely okay to be avoidant and anxious and to be with someone who is avoidant or anxious! but, itll work out. I promise.
I lean towards the anxious style.Been getting to know an avoidant. For a few months. It has been challenging. Not to mention my habit of overthinking. With the right amount of work and balance. I feel we might be able. To come together and have a solid relationship. I have thought about giving up several times. I care and love him a lot. I see so much in him. I truly feel we can have. A beautiful healthy committed relationship. If we can get past. Him pulling away at times. Any tips or advice? Or when their slowly engaging in communicating again.
This is the exact comment I was searching for, after reading most of the 'attached' book I felt like there is no hope for the anxious and avoidant. I don't know why I keep trying to be honest. Is it my activation of anxiety disguised as love? Will I ever feel secure with someone who is so avoidant?
@@richmckeemusic you yourself can be secure yes, being with an avoidant is very challenging, but don’t forget to work on yourself not just focusing on them as an avoidant and don’t define them based on their attachment style, adjust to them but also make them adjust as well, it’s not easy but it takes patience and work, and commitment, you can reverse your attachment style and become secure however that won’t change the past trauma it’ll only change how you view things how you react to things and how you feel about yourself it comes with your mind first. No relationship is perfect, not even secure relationships and we like to idealize secure people and try to be the, because today we as humans believe it is not okay to be avoidant or anxious or insecure or have mental health issues people with these issues are seen as bad while the secure are over idealized, so we start to hate ourselves but that’s not true it is completely okay to have these issues and it doesn’t make you a bad person it only means you have to work harder than most to be able to cope and learn to love yourself.
@@LovingMe732 best advice is to be patient with the person, try not to focus on them as an avoidant like “here they go again being avoidant” remember that they are human to and them being avoidant has nothing to do with you, it is their own personal trauma, they can still love you it is just not in the ways you may want, it’s best to communicate your wants and needs and to set boundaries, and as for overthinking remember that their avoidance is nothing against you it is only a coping mechanism, remember that you are loved and if you ever find yourself overthinking remember to be mindful appreciate the little things, and continue to grow, it will be hard for sure it’s a challenge, but you’ve got this I believe in you, and so does the rest of the world. anxiety is very difficult but it is not who you are you are a human you are you you are unique and you make mistakes, you are not your attachment style and there is always hope.
@@oliviastevenson7358 thanks for the advice and details! I’ve been working on myself thoroughly but unfortunately she doesn’t seem to want to understand me. She is emotionally unavailable and isn’t communicating effectively or at all with me, and so it’s been really triggering me. Unless she wants to work on it with me then there’s not much I can do :(
Leaving my avoidant now after 4 and a half years. Living together for a year and a half. He has always given me a lot of attention (texts, calls, time together). I always thought he was practical, quiet, and mild mannered. As time went by, I noticed that he was the "sweep it all under the rug" type, with small and big issues. Very defensive, and shows no accountability. People always say " that's just men, they don't talk about their feelings, and aren't as sensitive". He told me he's not interested in working on us or himself to grow, learn, or become better. I'm leaving because I've done a lot of self growth, and learned that I'm an anxious attachment type (of course). I want to heal, understand myself better, and grow. I actually feel sorry for him that he will continue to live as he is and feel even worse for his next girlfriend. Onwards and upwards. ❤
My wife is the same way, she has no problem telling me what I need to fix, but we go to marriage counseling and he tells us to read a book. I read it, she doesnt, he tells us to talk more. I talk L, she doesnt, she just sits there for our talks. Like umm.. This ain't gonna work if u cant even talk about your feelings. It's so weird. She is gonna avoid her way right out of my life. She's very distant. She watches Yellowstone reruns every single night and is on her phone the rest of the time. It's like she's single already.
Matthew 7:6 “Do not give that which is holy to [a]dogs, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, for they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
HI, I´ve been through a very similar journey. And yes, in that relationship I was leaning clearly anxious over extended periods of time. It was not an emotionally or socially safe place and never became one, although I tried my very best to communicate well, be clear and safe myself. I kept and developed my hobbies and friends - and I very often felt alone in the "relationship" (much more alone than now as a single). However I don´t label myself as "I am an anxious attachment type", because I have other relationship experiences where I did not behave or feel like this. Like others here, my conclusion is that the relationship dynamics "made me" more anxious (and him more avoidant - he was actually very sensitive, often shame-ridden, but with an unbothered surface). We weren´t able to work it out as only one of us tried to do the job. For me, going onwards feels like a relief, I feel I allow myself to lean BACK into my own security. That came as a surprise to me, as I relly had started to identify as "anxious" in the relationship dynamics. And first now, afterwards, my nervous system remembers my own calm and peace.
This right here sounds exactly my ex!! Thank god we broke up because it's only been over a year but I can't imagine putting up with it even further... glad you left!!
We always have to babysit avoidants while they never take accountability for their inability to regulate their emotions. They are exhausting to deal with and don’t deserve your time. They will literally ruin you. Not worth the trouble.
I´m with you on this. They WILL ruin you and I have secure attachment style.
I'm not perfect, but I've neglected a lot of my own needs to help him take care of a lot of mess he created for himself. The word babysit has come up a few times- from myself and others observing the situation. The marriage may be over and I'm gutted. We're both in the wrong, but I was hoping he'd man up and handle his mountain of business.
1) be patient. don’t try to make them change. (you’re anxious. if someone tells you “just stop being anxious” it’s not that easy.)
2) avoid controlling them.
3) respect their alone time
4) don’t interrupt their alone time. (if they’re in their office and you’re in the kitchen and you keep constantly calling out to them, they’ll feel overwhelmed. they need to rest without you hanging over them.
5) have your own social circle
6) if you take their space personally, they will take it personally and instead of feeling like changing, they will feel criticized and shamed and want more space from you
7) use things like “i feel hurt when i receive no contact” instead of “you’re not texting me and it hurts”
8) heal yourself first about being anxious
9) if you have a heaviness to you or that vibe, they will sense it and run
You can’t heal your anxious feelings if your partner continues to add on to your anxious feelings. Anxious attachment styles are healed by constant reassurance and providing security.
@@JulyIzHere You're talking about co-regulation, which avoidant people are not taught to do, so I have to agree! We simply cannot heal in the presence of our triggers (maybe we could, but it would take twice as long and be three times the difficulty), and the avoidant's tendencies (silent treatment or lack of communication, dismissiveness, invalidation) are HIGHLY triggering to a hypervigilant person!
This list is helpful with some great tips, but ultimately unless there's a marriage contract or children involved it is pointless do all this hard work for someone who cannot simply provide comfort when you seek connection.
@♡ phoenix ☆ Being in a state of constant depression and bringing the vibe down with sad moods, thoughts, conversations, etc
@@Alize.W I agree. Almost everything they listed is not helpful in a relationship with an avoidant unfortunately. None of these things will help them be less avoidant. People with Anxious attachment style have some type of insecurity, distrust or fear and that’s a lot easier to heal from if you have a partner and safe space that shows you they won’t betray you and they won’t go anywhere. You will probably always have self doubts but the longer the sage space is maintained it becomes routine and security starts to set in. I can’t see any scenario where I can help a man stop running from me, which makes me super anxious
@@Alize.W This is spot on because I’ve been trying to heal my anxious attachment while still being in contact with an FA I was just dating and it’s extremely triggering when he comes close and then pulls away. Lately I’ve been pondering going no contact and just disappearing because while I care about him an want to keep the connection I’m not sure it’s healthy for me anymore 😢
That was a great explanation. But after 2 horrible relationships with avoidants, I chose celibacy over the risk of ever finding out again that my partner dropped the mask after a while and turned out to be an avoidant. It's too much of an investment to risk it again. I choose my peace and mental health, and taking good care of myself. And quite frankly, I've never been happier. I discovered I don't really need a partner at all.
My God, i've been contemplating this ever since l broke up with my avoidant bf, I'm terrified of dating again!!
@@faithrance941 It's just that the good times of a relationship are no longer worth the heartache and insanity for me when it goes bad. And people are so traumatized nowadays, I'm not counting on finding anyone that will actually take the time to know me so that love can develop. There were times in the past I thought we got there, only to find out that my partner did not value the relationship nearly as much as I did, the loyalty wasn't there. This dynamic, of having and then not having, and the crazy-making months leading up to the ending, stopped making sense to me. I've always been one to wait 4-6 months between relationships because I was hopeful and wanted to find love so much. Now it's been a year and I still have zero intention of going through that again. I'm doing great, focusing on my work, my therapy and self care, and to think about men again just sends a wave of fear through me. I think it's going to be a very long time before I open myself to that pain again, if at all. I intend to stay this way... it's so peaceful, productive, healthy and comforting.
@@TheCoffeeCat Thank you so much for this, now l feel i'm not alone and i'm not crazy. l really needed this. l will try and focus more on work and self-care.
@@faithrance941 You can't ever go wrong with that, whatever you choose to do next. Hugs!
Yes! I have the very same thought process. Especially since I have a daughter now that I need to protect. The problem for me is that I don’t trust myself to see the red flags when they appear. Because they always do, no matter how well the man tries to hide it. You know what I mean? So I’m also contemplating therapy
I can't do avoidant. And I don't think that just because I don't enjoy avoidants, that that means I am anxious. I used to be anxious. I am more healthy now but I still don't want an avoidant person. I need and very much enjoy a deep connection with my partner. If they can't do that, then I need to find someone who can. I know myself this way.
You are being much more secure in not dealing with avoidants. They are toxic, even for securely attached people. So you are doing everything right in avoiding them.
@@Wealth_through_Health22 Yes. They are toxic even for secure prople. I totally agree with that. If you want a superficial dating situation, fine. But for a committed monogamous intimate relationship they just aren't going to work. They simply can't do the level of intimacy required for that. If that kind of intimacy is what you are looking for and need, you won't find it with an avoidant.
@@Wealth_through_Health22 Absolutely
@@GenerallySmiling I agree wholeheartedly. If someone doesn't want to work on their own issues and only practices distant behavior this is no base for a healthy relationship at all.
One of the reasons people want to be in a relationship is to have emotional intimacy. Why wold anyone want to be in a relationship where this would make their avoidant partner feel unsafe? Avoid the dismissive avoidant. They are a waste of time.
My avoidant won't even pick up the phone so unfortunately I had to let him go 😪 you can't help someone who won't help themselves
Why do avoidants ignore but respond when we (anxious) get upset? If I communicate calmly/maturely I am ignored. But once I get activated and communicate out of upset/hurt feelings he responds. Right away. It feels really toxic.
It is toxic. I avoid avoidants unless they are committed to healing. An anxious person can only have a healthy bond with a secure person.
That happens in my relationship. The exact same way. And then I am called the crazy, reactive one. Happens all the time and it is exhausting.
I bet he responds but not in a good way and you dont get to do the things you want to do....
Avoidant fear criticism. So you being reactive will activate that most likely. If you are talking calmly and he ignores you, you can say “I’m feeling dismissed/ignored and it hurts. When you’re ready to talk, please let me know” and then you can walk away for the time being. If this is a continuous problem, then I ask, why are you in this relationship?
I had to walk away from somebody with this. Whenever I wanted to talk about an issue between us he would just ignore me and give me the silent treatment. I walked away 2 days ago.
"Their aloneness is their safety," you summed me up in that one sentence.
As an avoidant, I'm just big on reassurance.
Been in my basement figuring it out for three days now.
Im anxious and my bf is avoidant. Understanding this was the most important part for us. After understanding it, we started to make efforts both to heal ourselves, but specially to listening and truly understand each other’s needs. Sometimes is difficult (specially for me), but we are now in a stage that I can understand and explain to him when I’m feeling rejected or insecure and I have enough space with him to ask him for reassurance and he knows when he is in his avoidance cycle and he kinda “ask me” his personal space and reassure me at the same time so that I don’t start thinking that he is stop loving me or something. I believe we are on the right way. He is really more open and sometimes talks about his insecurities with me and I’m feeling way more confident and secure (I also do therapy every Monday 😂). I hope we continue improving together. I loved the video! Thank you and hugs from Brazil!
Who I’m dating leans more avoidant and me more anxious but I know we both have the goal of wanting to be more secure. Takes both people wanting to learn and heal this unhealthy behavior in either extreme of sure. Both have been in therapy so I think it helps. If only one person wants to change forget it. That was my last relationship and total distaster. No amount of me changing me would change him it was a dead end road
You might not see this, but it’s worth a shot. (Just wanna start of by saying, English isn’t my first language, so I hope it makes sense) How should I make my partner aware, that he might be avoidant. I see myself in the same situation, and I want it to hopefully go the way you’re heading, hopefully. But I’m afraid of starting the conversation and explain attachment styles, mine and maybe get to his? I’m afraid it might drive him away more. So my question is, how did you guys “start”
I'm manifesting this
@@AnnaAnsoe hey, Anna! Don’t worry about the language, I’m Brazilian so English is not my first language either. Well, actually who brought it up to our relationship was him and he started the conversation by asking me if I ever had listened about it, then he asked me if I wanted to watch some videos and read an article…so maybe you could start doing the same. But the most important is the other person being open to listen to you and feel ready/want to work on this because it requires effort. Last week for example we had a situation that triggered us, and we both tried together, after a couple days, analyzing the situation and literally we write what we could have done differently to deal with this with more maturity. But he is always making efforts to make me feel secure by reinforcing that he is not planning to go anywhere and I openly ask reassurance for him when I need by saying for example of a real situation “Hey baby I’m feeling insecure today about my work and I really need some reassurance because this anxiety is making me overthink about our relationship with no reason”. Same way he used to tell me “hey baby I’m feeling kinda weird today and I don’t really want to talk and keep texting, so I’ll be probably be more away, but I still love you”. With this I completely understand and I am able to respect his space. I aways try to not take things to personal and now I’m able to identify when he is starting to enter in his avoidant cycle and I give him the space he needs before he asks me. But don’t try to “fix” the other person, try healing you and your insecurities and invite him to do the job with you and in name of your relationship. If he is ready, he will join this with you and you’ll have a really open communication about everything!
@@AnnaAnsoe another thing: ALWAYS say what you’re feeling. If the other person is not embracing it and trying to see your perspective by saying you’re “too needy”, maybe it’s because they’re not ready yet to start the healing and you’ll only hurt yourself trying to make the effort for both. 😘
My avoidant just made me better. I was an anxious one, now I became more confident and self-aware. I work hard to improve myself.
Have no idea if our relationship can survive. But I love him. For now he broke up with me and disappeared..
If he never comes back, I will move on.
And I wish him all the best.
He is a great guy.
This love made me who I am.
Love always wins.
My mind is blown! You just described my husband down to the T! I have pretty terrible anxious attachment and im working on it. I believe you just saved my mental health, my marriage and my husband’s mental state because now I understand something he cant explain or understands himself.
same!
Read the book Attached, it really gives a lot of clarity.
Just started watching and my answer from my own experience is “leave” investing in a loser who will leave you despite your efforts is a waste of time. Avoidents run away at the first sign of trouble or they’ll straight up trade you in for someone else, all while not telling you. And I am considered a fearful avoidant on one of those quizzes and yet I would never ghost anyone like my ex did to me… so it depends on the person but I’ve seen too many women try to “fix” crappy men like I did. You can’t, throw the whole damn man away and get someone who will make the bare minimum effort in communication
Socializing is "work" to an avoidant attached person...she's literally telling you how to better interact and improve ALL relationships. What she's saying is SO helpful when trying to communicate with my avoidance family members so its the kind of "work" id personally do too.
I am pretty sure I am avoidant as a woman. It’s really sad on our parts because we honestly crave intimacy but also fear it at the same time. We always get excited and then get the ick. In general I believe that we need a friendly approach from partners to open up and feel comfortable. The worse thing is I didn’t know what it was until now and many guys I used to date hated me because I would change my mind after a while or become distant and they thought that it was a game for me.
Also I want to reassure people that we aren’t narcissists, we don’t enjoy hurting you. Is just that when we open up to people or when we get too close it usually hurts. We feel just as much as you do. For me, I usually change after trusting someone and I tend to open up but I need someone who respects my boundaries at first and also someone who can understand me without judging me. It’s very rare to find people that can cope with that. Especially as a woman because people tend to think you play hard to get. Thanks for helping out ❤
P.s. I read many people complaining about relationships with avoidants but I feel like most of them were simply toxic, and its definitely not the same thing. The thing about a relationships with people like that is that you need to be able to respect boundaries. Avoidants are not necessarily cheaters or people who will deliberately hurt you, basically they simply want someone who respects their personal space, their time alone and taking their time instead of jumping into new relationships.
So true theres so many men who come at me all needy and doing too much and for me its cringe and i get the ick i prefer friendly and lil flirty approach if i really the guy i wont get the ick at all and enjoy intimacy with him
@@Vanillaaxo You described what every woman feels. The original post sounds like something different. An actual avoidant.
nice to read that i´m not alone! I´m mayb even more?avoidant than you are?Because already dating is very fearful too me. For sue you´ve been told before, to just try and date the guy and then you could still change your mind. This freaks me out and i can´t because i feel lke if i date him its already a sure thing for him. While i already know that i don´t want it...so what do i do..i leave it. But also if there a needy guys wanting a relationship...others would just show them and set boundaries. I can´t ..it feels like i have to step them into the face, whch i don´t want. So i stay cold from the beginning. If i haven´t done this and didn´t care too much (only possible if a bunch of people met togther, so that in my eys it must be obvious that its only meant as friends) but still friends told me then, "i can see you like him, theres more..blabla bla bs" when there wasn´t ..it was just friendship.
But if i meet someone i rally find attractive (very rare). I do want him (100% inside) but i´m scared and very very cautios that he won´t value me...push me away..choose another one over me...tells me or shows me that i´m not good eough for him. Do you know that too?
Plus i do think it also influences my professional life a lot (People like a binding appereace at work. maybe they sense that in interviews?Or idk whats wrong..probaply they see me as insecure)!
I believe you but it can get very draining. . . There is so much love that I want to give but I don't know how much more rejection I can take. . . My partner's needs are getting met but I quitely fall into oblivion of anxiety. I learned to get back up and be secure again but I don't know how much more I can take. 😢
Thank you for this. I am Married to an avoidant sweetheart who would do anything for me. Its just that the emotions are shallow and sometimes atrophied. As you so eloquently put it, avoidants do need respect for their boundaries and space. You have helped me to understand him so well. I appreciate you so much darling ❤😘
Was married to an avoidant for 20 years. I’ll never be in a relationship with the other constantly pushing away like that again.
I am married to one now for 26 years and I agree totally. I would never do this again. I have a secure attachment and it is horrible…..a cycle of in and out that never ends and that you never fully understand.
Many comments say “that’s too much work” but they don’t realize that’s the work they need to do in order to heal themselves and their anxious attachment style. I happen to have both attachment styles so I know the feeling of each side and this video is amazing it made me understand it much better. Thank you!
Agreed. As I’m healing some of mine I notice the other person seems to come closer. It goes feel like an energy dynamic thing
Same
POOR YOU.
ANYONE who LOVES themselves and has a HEALTHY DOSE of PRIDE, DIGNITY, and SELF- ESTEEM would NOT deal with YOU.
I have secure attachment style and always have been one, sadly it was the DA that was supposed to do the work, promised he would, but never did, so I had to walk away as it was too damaging.
Why do I have to accept the avoidant for how they are but they don’t have to accept me? Why am I the only one who has to change? Why do I have to be their safe place but I’m not suppose to expect them to be mine? This doesn’t seem right or healthy. Both sides need to work on how they react and respond rather than expecting the anxious person to just suck it up.
It’s bc the person who’s willing to exit the relationship holds the power
Take it or leave it . thats just how it is
Because you want and they don't. That's it. If you want sex and they don't, you dont have sex. If you want to go on a trip and they don't, you have to go alone or not go. Not is the default state. People are free to do what they want. You can leave if you don't like it, but forcing people to do something they don't want to is way worse than not doing something someone wants you to
Basically be dead inside in order to get along with an avoidant.
Ahahahaha 🤣🤣 funny cause it’s probably true!
My fiancé is avoidant, and I have found that I fall in the disorganized attachment category. I do believe my partner would be running for the hills with an extremely anxious leaning partner. Our relationship works because we both get the autonomy we need while really enjoying our times of bonding and closeness. Like you said, I have my own social life, hobbies, etc. I can travel with friends and hang out without him feeling like we don't get enough time or that he's not getting attention. We're still working at conflict resolution as he'd like to avoid that. Lol, but we're getting better at talking through things now. And he has done some therapy with me as well. He is a sweet soul who's had a rough upbringing like myself.
Hopefully this is my future lol
That’s awesome! Good for you!
I feel like that’s why my avoidant works for me too-I share traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment..with this knowledge and talking about it before committing to a relationship, it’s worked so far..we shall see lol❤
Same setup here with my DA BF and myself. I’m curious to know what all y’all have to done to learn Healthy conflict resolution skills and how to connect better?
@@ClassiclyAmber I’m going through that too. I find they need time to process stuff and it doesn’t mean “they don’t care”. Of course everyone is different. I had an ex any communication was a nightmare but my bf now just needs space to process then we set a time to talk. We’ve learned the whole ok you need time to think but I can’t be waiting for days so let’s plan a time that’s fair to both. Meeting in the middle. Sometimes it’s a good thing though. Talking about stuff when you’re triggered is never healthy and ends bad. I do find having calm convos helps so he has a point in waiting sometimes I let him have his space and it seems to work
I was secure attachment style maybe slightly anxious, after a 2 year relationship with an avoidant partner I literally lost the plot! Became a total mess! My secure approach to closeness/intimacy and conflict resolution didn’t work despite how much I tried not push and respected his need for time and space. Honestly loved him so much but I regret that relationship, one year later still scared. It’s scary how secure or even anxious they can seem in the beginning. Try to spot these tips as red flags 🚩 follow your gut instinct and avoid the love avoidant/narc folk not worth it one little bit! Keep your dignity and sanity!
Yes to me avoidant = toxic. There is no possible way to date these people without giving up your needs. I always felt the “anxiety” is triggered bc you know something is off and it isn’t stable and you can’t trust them to stick around or commit in the way you’d need to have peace. When with secure men I truly don’t worry at all. With an avoidant it’s mental hell. To me its now a red flag and nonnegotiable if someone is avoidant and starts displaying these behaviors
Before reading your comment I posted mine and I'll copy it here coz it absolutely corresponds to your story:
➡️The Conclusion: Avoid the avoidant if you want more closeness and warmth. ✅
Don't play this sick game of need of catching an avoidant! ❌
Choose the one who is compatible to your phisical, emotional, financial needs and desires. Otherwise you'll play this sick game which is not based on Your needs for many years.
Let the avoidant find their mirror and what is comfortable for them.
Give yourself the right to enjoy the companionship of the one who is able to fulfill your needs. All you need is just change your focus from suffering and pain to happiness, inner comfort and abundance.
Period
Yes, I totally relate to your comment! There's no amount of conflict resolution skills and secure space-giving and space-taking that will make them ease into natural intimacy and interdependence if they themselves don't put a good amount of effort into meeting halfway. None.
Hi Lola, I totally agree, I work in the field of attachment and psychology, even with my knowledge and the constructive support I tried to give them, they are their own support, their on counselor. It has broken me, my sanity, dignity and I feel fear as you do. I'm currently involved in the the power dance, as after the why, why, why conversation, him saying I'm the love of his life, but adamant he has not room in his 'shot' glass for the relationship, I have now asked for the key to my home back which must appear final and have been met with silence so far on dates i have given for collection. I want to be able to move on but he says he doesnt want to be with me but his actions are conflicting. Its making me ill.
This !!! Avoidantly attached are self-centred and very feraful of opening up to people. That's totally the other way around for anxiously attaches. Securely attached know the balance between the two
I have realised most of your videos are related to the females but we are male couple.
My partner (anxious) showed me this video and Im avoidant. I couldnt believe what I was hearing from you because it was straight to the point. I wasnt sure if I wanted to cry or laugh about it because I was facing my true self through your awareness. Im actually very thankful now because it gave me more confidence to understand these issues and work on them so we could have better relationship.
Thank you Margarita!! 🙏
I had to end the relationship with my daughters father because he was an avoidant and it was killing me on the inside. He said he tried his hardest but I lost my will to live. The worst part for me, is that I will never have closure. He will never admit to himself how he treated me. I came out broken and shattered and there is no consolation in sight from anybody.
You are so strong don’t let him break you as women we are divine beings and we are very powerful
The only person who needs to know what happened is you. You know what happened. You know how it hurt you. You don’t need him to admit how he hurt you because you know what it was like and that is all that matters. His closure is not needed the fact that it is over is all the closure you need ❤ wishing you healing
@@autumnleigh506 I needed to hear those words rn. Taking them seriously, and applying. Thank you.
The Conclusion: Avoid the avoidant if you want more closeness and warmth. ✅
Don't play this sick game of need of catching an avoidant! ❌
Choose the one who is compatible to your phisical, emotional, financial needs and desires. Otherwise you'll play this sick game which is not based on Your needs for many years.
Let the avoidant find their mirror and what is comfortable for them.
Give yourself the right to enjoy the companionship of the one who is able to fulfill your needs. All you need is just change your focus from suffering and pain to happiness, inner comfort and abundance.
Period
So true .. ppl need to heal unfortunately
Yes, an avoidant has broken me and made me ill. We were together a while. Im going to take time to recover from the pain, loss and heartache.
Amazing comment.👏🏽
Very well said. Thank you for sharing.
took me 9 years of trying before i finally figured this out
No Thank you, I have tried everything with an avoidant they are always emotionally unavailable. We were on a break for 2 years lol when he blocked me coz I wanted to discuss something sensitive, he was fine for a month when we reunited but again he pulled away. Its better to be single than being with such people and trying too hard so that at the end they will call u desperate. One can be only happy with avoidant if they dont have any emotional need and they can sustain it forever like that. But What is a relationship without emotional investment its just a pathetic arrangement so stay away from emotional unavailable people and find someone who is there for u. What about avoidant, they always break up coz they like their independence more than a relationship so let them enjoy their independence
He sounds hopeless. Try for a little less avoidant next time!
Soon as she said this channel is for mostly women, I literally touched the subscribe button! 🤣 I’m a very lonely woman with very unavailable people in my life. However learning to love myself it’s just some days are very hard to only have myself.
Same here. It is very hard when there are no friends or family for support to get through or recover from a relationship like that.
Same here, I am lonely after the relationship with a fearful avoidant ended, no friends and my mother has given me silent treatment for months.
Sending love to you
Sending an abundance of love and wishing you peace.😊💚💜❤
@@MissSarahGM👋🏽💚😊
when you said "be patient", I nearly burst into tears. I definitely consider myself to be avoidant but I'm trying to understand and build my emotional depth and it makes relationships incredibly difficult but I am trying. I know it'll take time to build that trust and to be able to rely on others
Good luck ❤
@@mermaidchannel I appreciate that, thank you. this is helping. any advice for two avoidants who get together?
@@kelseycoca well I think first of all to understand that you are in fact avoidant, standing on the outside of something that is perfectly normal: healthy connection. Sometimes avoidants can feel like avoidance is the most sensible, normal thing and that intimacy/connection is non essential, crazy, too risky etc. so first thing is to understand that avoidance is in fact not normal. This can be a huge motivation to learn intimacy, because it activates the ego; we all want to be normal and healthy in some way. Avoidants tend to have strong egoic boundaries, so it’s good to satisfy and calm the ego in some smart way. The other way would be to do breathwork and regulate your nervous system as soon as you start to feel deep discomfort and want to pull away from a relationship. To know that what you’re feeling is a trauma response more than something true and current. And I think two avoidants could develop a great sense of humour together about their avoidance.. which could also serve as relationship glue
Wow! Good advice. Yeah, I don’t think getting with another avoidant would work! Trying to allow yourself to be more open, while looking for a healthier person would be best.
@@mermaidchannel what fantastic tips, thank you so much!! I guess I just feel panicked about the idea of realizing I feel suffocated years into a relationship. But the point about being present and really digging into those feelings and challenging the instincts of anxiety and irrational panic is helpful.
One of the best videos I have seen on the subject. I am a therapist and I endorse this message. Not everyone can handle an avoidant and as you said it is best for the avoidant to seek therapy as their avoidant attachment comes with added behaviours streaming from trauma.
I would say very secure and with a vibrant life will be able to handle an avoidant
As a therapist, do you see fearful avoidant people coming back and committing? My ex (40) is FA and I was his first serious girlfriend. Sadly he has ROCD and doubts a lot, fears committing because of terrible parental couple. He's also enmeshed with them. Should I gave up? I'm of course leaning more anxious preoccupied, but stick to no contact and haven't chased him.
@@MissSarahGM id say pull yourself together and ask if you really want a relationship or not. issues or no if you wanted to be with him you wouldnt be here asking some random self proclaimed therapist who didnt answer your question what to do. grow up!
@@joeym3147 you seem like a wonderful person
@@MissSarahGM been married for 5 years yeah im a wonderful person to my wife. we've had plenty of ups and downs and even almost divorced yet we pulled through. why? because despite all the hardships we cant imagine living without each other. if you cant think the same for your ex then your better off leaving him alone and growing on your own for when you meet the right person
@@joeym3147 A stranger from the internet who doesn't know me isn't going to tell me "to grow" or else, who do you think you are.
If you are in the comments here, you also struggle with attachment issues in a way or another. Every situation is different and you're not better than. Accept you are struggling too
I like that you emphasize “ a person is choosing to be with an avoidant person.” All I can think of is why would anyone choose to be with someone they have to work so hard to tolerate🤦🏾♀️. Overall, I learned a lot from this video, great insight.
Its usually a pattern played out by childhood trauma. A person, usually one with anxious attachment, chooses to be with an avoidant person because they (anxious) are playing out the childhood scenario of trying to win over an avoidant parent. They (anxious) are unconsciously trying to flip the script and get the acceptance and love they were denied as a child. It stems from the anxious person's lack of self-worth and perpetual feeling of not being enough. Therefore, the anxious person over-gives, while the avoidant over-takes. The avoidant being emotionally unavailable, cannot give back to the anxious one the recognition they feel they deserve and wish for, therefore both partners are entangled in a death-dance where noone gets their needs met by the other. In any case, its usually an unconscious pull towards the avoidant person, as the anxious' nervous system recognises familiarity to the avoidant's traits.
The heart ruling the mind. That's why people try to stay with an avoidant as they push the its over switch on you when you're deeply in love with them.
Because the reality is, everyone has red flags. every person has survival mechanisms. there's no such thing as getting to love a survivor without the traits that cultivated thair survival.
You said it right! Work hard to tolerate!
Most of us don’t know that we “chose” the avoidant partner. I didn’t even know about attachment styles.
I am secure and now I realize an avoidant can make a secure person become anxious. I will remain secure.
Well done on becoming secure! That's personally my aim!
You are getting there. Keep working on yourself.
@@mightypiu2617 I'm really not so sure I'm doing the best with this at all right now! But still I do plan to keep working on myself as best as I can. Thank you mightypiu2617.
I dated someone who was an avoidant and it was his ex who made him that way. He had very unpleasant memories of his time with her and should have ended it a lot sooner. He then started to date again, too early, but only wanted surface level quick hookups, nothing serious. As soon as we started to become more serious, he ran a mile because the pressure of his last relationship was still sour and he didn’t want any emotional ties with another woman.
I’d always thought of myself as an avoidant up until that point because I’d never had a serious relationship and felt content being young and single, enjoying my social time with friends and a few light hearted romances along the way. Because I reallllly liked the avoidant guy and saw potential, I wanted us to become more serious, and as he pulled away, like a magnet I was drawn to him and that’s when I realised I must be disorganised because I was now anxious.
As horrible as that time was, I’m thankful I had the courage to communicate it to him and when he offered to call me and explain further as to why he didn’t want a relationship or even a friendship with me, I took my power back and declined the call, sending him a text to wish him well.
As time has gone on, I now see that for my own good in the future, as I work towards become secure, whenever I meet another guy, I need to leave the door open as we get to know one another, rather than welcoming him into my world and closing the door tightly so he can’t escape in my mind. With the door open, he can come freely or go freely, and when he comes, it’s because he’s constantly choosing me, I’m not trapping him like a possession that’s mine and mine only. If he chooses to go, then he’s not the one and he’s left room for the right one to come along in the future.
Wow, thank you for that❤
And now she is his PHANTOM X
@@HisaLight2mypath 😂 right.... he text me out of the blue before Valentine’s Day this year and I left him on read for a couple of days before replying as I was happy with another guy. They always come back, don’t they?
Anxious dealing with an avoidant. This video was enlightening but disheartens at the same time because I can see and feel the little kid that’s hurting. It also hurts to feel dismissed as well. This is about to be a interesting road to travel on.
Hey what happened to you and your partner?
As a woman my attachment style is avoidant. The men I attract are anxiously attached. Always. And when we get too emotionally close in the relationship, I step away, ask for a break in the relationship (i feel smothered) or i end up breaking up with them. I am going to heal this now. Thank you for this video x
Did you find out why step away and break up? What are the root reasons?
Hi Landie, do you have a game plan to heal yourself ? I found myself in your comment and wouldn't know where to start
@@primaveraverano1664 because they are not used to being close to others. It’s the teaching from their childhood.
@@myriam221 usually, people learn to be secure by being with someone who’s securely attached. It can be done through therapy or with a partner that’s securely attached
@@veronikapooky5053 thank you for your answer. I feel like i'll be a dead weight to the person lol but i sure hope to find someone secure who's patient enough so that I can learn. Have a great day 🤍
Avoidant is a trauma responsiveness to the lack of having an emotional need not being met as a child. The best way to cope with an avoidant is to value and love yourself enough to understand that you deserve someone who is healed and someone who has done the inner work. I appreciate this video, and a lot of the concerns in which you’ve addressed can be accurate to whomever it resonates with. I just don’t agree that being with someone who has trauma is worth any time of trying to “help.” Or “fix.” One another. value yourself, focus on your own healing and you’ll attract with what aligns within divine timing.
This is by far THE BEST video I've seen on this topic! You are brilliant! Finally, great advice for women like me that found their person, and realize that he's avoidant, and understand that it's going to be difficult, but are totally willing to do what it takes to make it work, even if it's not "conventional", or "what should take place". I've been looking at it like that..."he should see what it's doing to me and feel bad", etc. I've been doing things trying to get him closer and getting the opposite reaction and you are making this finally make sense! I found the love of my life and he has expressed to me how much he loves me and that he feels more for me than he ever has about anyone and that he trusts me more than anyone on the planet, but when things get too mushy, or for too long in a situation, he backs off like clockwork. It's been 3 1/2 years so I know him well enough to see the patterns and your advice is exactly what I needed to hear. It is what it is and I have to stop expecting what should happen and understand what will actually happen. I can't thank you enough! And you're absolutely right about the healing thing. He and I have discussed it many times now, actually and he's aware that he's avoidant, and is actually working on dealing with events from his past that made him so avoidant of feeling, and has begun to heal a great deal. We're making slow, but definite, and noticeable progress. Sometimes, I think it's not necessarily a fear of rejection, but a fear of feeling so much for a person and then losing that person that can cause an avoidant trait in a person. Again, thank you so much for your video, you're so insightful, and you tell it like it is, being very realistic, which I appreciate so much! You're a real blessing!
This speaks to my heart. Especially number 10 is what happened to us. I am a secure one, raised in a very loving household, and my boyfriend is avoidant. When an argument happens, I want to talk things through, but he would instead choose to stonewall me, and it hurts so much.
Sad to say after awhile of living with a stonewalling avoidant can really turn you anxious even if you are secure. Please choose the love you grew up in. You are very fortunate to be able to say that. Sending you blessings.💯💚
THANK YOU for this video! I am a female Avoidant. I am very self-aware of this and am in therapy right now. My husband of almost 10 years is more Anxious / Secure attachment. I shared this video with him and agrees that it explains me 100%. It makes so much sense. I'll continue to work on myself, but removing the shame and blame of being the way I am will definitely not only help me but also help my relationships. Thank you Margarita! You have such a talent with words and communication. ❤ I love your videos!
Being with an avoidant person is really difficult, and at times painful. It’s almost like they have mental health issues. I have been on that road before and it’s not fun at all. Most times it comes from parent abandonment with is really hard. Good luck to everyone dealing with that, I know it’s not easy.
Super toxic relationship if one chooses to stay. The emotional roller-coaster ride...omg! Walking on pins and needles throughout your relationship? I hope everyone heals so that they don't choose this. WOAH!!
I am with you on this.
You described every point of my husband's personality and mine too 😅 he avoidant and I'm anxious. We have been struggling to find a way to live with our two different personalities and it has been a very difficult path. I'm not a very patient person, I'm very anxious and I love clinging, I love hugs and kisses and romantic things but he's not like that and I get frustrated. I fight a lot because I'm feeling lonely, sometimes even I feel like he doesn't love me anymore because of his avoidant personality. But now, after watching this video, I could understand it so well! After 5 months of marriage, I'm learning to deal better with his personality. I fought a lot for him to understand me and I forgot to take that step too. I wanted to be understood, but I didn't want to understand. As you said in the video, someone has to make the first move and to save my marriage I decided to be that person. I really loved your content. I can see how you take your time to really understand people's needs and I just love it! All your videos are filled with amazing content. Never stop sharing. You are saving so many people's lives.
omg we're in the same marriage
For a moment I felt like I’m reading my own story. It’s been only 2 months that we got married. Before this we were in situationship for a year! Our marriage happened like a miracle. I’m really happy that I could get married to him but on the other hand facing the same situation you stated. I guess we gotta take the step and do the work alone. It is what it is. Lots of love and blessings to all of you!
why are u even married to him?
Oh I understand. Few of us are purely one style of attachment. For the parts of me that must have solitude, being with an avoidant is perfect.
Same. I’m still stuck in the painful in between of stonewalling me but refusing to give me the love at least of letting me go. My mental health…there is no health there to speak of anymore. I feel so crazy from loving this man and I still do. It’s going to kill me. And he can’t be bothered to change it. I’m completely unable to live life at all right now and so is he, he’s also damaging himself to that extent. It’s the most insane, infuriating way to approach something I’ve ever seen. And I imagine a LOT of DAs get labeled narcissists because the damage they do is the same.
I’m definitely disorganized. Anxious when someone pulls away, avoidant when they get too close. Constant rollercoaster but I’m so glad I’ve began healing this. I feel more and more secure everyday, especially when I stopped attaching my value and my worth to someone’s actions.
I think this is the case for most people. We are such a social species that nothing we do and no feelings we have are totally independent from other people.
@@katieandnick4113 I think two things can be true at once. I can say I am secure in how I view myself but still want people to like me. I think the key is, if they don’t like me it shouldn’t effect my view of myself.
NAILED IT - 14:08 especially. Was anxious, mostly secure now as reading and classes. Housemate was avoidant. (Not always just romantic relationships that connect and trigger) I pushed all his buttons. he pushed all mine. NOW...I know "how" to communicate with him so that he feels safe as loved as a person! But, I KNOW "HOW" to talk to him as an avoidant person which is gold. He has become my best friend!!!!!!
I just discovered your channel and I must say I admire how well put together and non-repetitive this video is! Also how you are brave enough to say you've been anxious and speak of your own experiences, - I really appreciate that. Thank you! I'd love to see more videos on anxious vs avoidant regards where and how it gets toxic.
I feel hurt when I receive no contact.
I loved this so much. Although, I did most of these things and I was still blindsided with a breakup after 2 years with an avoidant. He told me that he never felt heard, and life is too short to be one foot out the door. But I realized afterwards that he had a pattern of bolting from relationships when they got too deep. These strategies helped the relationship to thrive longer than any other he had been in and he told me that ours was his healthiest, best relationship. But he still bolted. It's the most painful breakup I've ever experienced, not feeling the end of the relationship before its natural end.
Same happened to me and 2 days ago I left. I had to end it. For my own sanity . I wish you peace and healing 🙏
I just left someone i never actually had about 6 weeks ago and it has been peaceful. I hardly feel his energy like useto. I was craving him constantly the way i craved narcs. Now that i think about it.... He probably was one. I feel the bad language i used was me burning bridges. As i knew he won't be able to handle that and if he did I wouldn't be able to respect him again. I knew he was mentally disturbed when i saw that he is constantly.strategising who to make jealous and who to entertain for his gain.
Yea you have to leave them and not get involved. They will leave after you have practically sacrificed yourself to make it work. I’ve found them to be very selfish and difficult people. Communication with them was an absolute nightmare. Like walking on eggshells
@@Eg-jd9zt I'm so sorry. Wishing you healing and happiness 😊
@@Eg-jd9zt anxious attachers are just as bad, they are more likely to relationship hop from one to another
I love the last sentence you said about humanity... It moved me. Thank you. No matter what attachment style we have and go through we are all human trying to be happy. Thank you for reminding me that. Loved this video.
My girlfriend of a year and I have been having a lot of issues lately. This video has been immeasurably beneficial for us. Thank you for taking the time to share. You definitely had an impact on us.
found your videos on tiktok & im obsessed!! you literally described my relationship. Your are a GEM!
Yay! Thank you!
Wow this confirms everything I intuitively knew to be true about my relationship over the past 1.5 years. Every time we would come close all you described would happen…. Thank you, it really helps me have compassion for him and to be more hopeful about the situation. I learn so much from this channel!
Thank you, I hardly ever comment on videos. But I feel like your video was my life for the last 3 years and I was so lost trying to figure out what was going on. Nothing online has really resonated like this video. It made me cry, in a liberating way. I bought your book suggestions. Thank you for being so real.
I’m hooked on all your videos I can listen to you for hours. Not only you have a soothing voice, the way you deliver and the amount of knowledge you have is amazing. I’m your fan and I learned a lot from your videos 💕
Seriously love this video. In an relationship with an avoidant and we are long distance. This came at the perfect time because after 7 months of him feeling my needs, this weekend he made his alone time. I do not like it went, but this video brings comfort to me. I will take what I learn here to better our relationship because a relationship is about 2 and sometimes it takes 1 to start and be strong in the emotional of it.
This was the most brilliant helpful video on this subject I’ve ever seen. I’m an anxious attachment whose been with an avoidant for almost 3years. Thank you for your vast amount of wisdom and for making these videos.
18:15 I really appreciated this call to action. I’ve been feeling very lonely in my relationship and deprived and I’m not one to complain to him unless it has gotten really bad. I’ve been listening up to this point feeling really needy and discouraged and when you said this it empowered me. I needed to hear that thank you
What I love about you the most is how genuinely you care about people and want to help. Very nurturing energy from you!
Thank you for the valuable content! Just by listening to your voice I feel calm. You remind me of stable version of myself before I lost sense of myself in a relationship where I became anxious. Father wound and partner avoidant. First we were friends and always feel sexual around them. Once we got intimate I became "high on drug" and the chaos started!
It's been one year without him, working with my therapist and I can breathe again, but my nervous system is still in fear.
This is the perfect time your words came to me, so I can better understand myself, him and what was going on
Thank you for this 💚 I have done many of these(through trial and error) but you have given me other ways to help him feel safe. I once had an anxious attachment but have healed a bit, and am much more secure, so it's become easier for both of us. He makes me feel safe and cared for and I just want him to feel the same. He's an amazing person, just had a really horrid childhood and life experiences.
This is the best video I've ever seen on avoidant partners. Most people who address this topic only go into surface detail. You smashed this. Thank you Margarita 💖💜
I'm so grateful that I found your channel
Your voice is so soothing, I’m learning and it’s so calming. I wish you had more DA videos :)
This video and the Anxious attachment one have been absolutely mind expanding for me this afternoon! I’ve cried and released so much. Thank you! Also, I have a new awareness of my co-dependent tendencies because I was planning on “getting approval” for watching these 😂. Thank you so much for healing yourself and sharing your journey 👑🥰
Avoidants are not worth doing all of that because they don’t provide anything in return. Which is such a waste of effort lol
I love this. I have an avoidant partner, he is a great man in so many ways but some of his behavior trips me up, triggering my anxious attachment. This really helps me to understand in greater depth what mindset and approach I can take within the relationship to feel less anxious and to strengthen the connection with my partner.
Thank you! ❤
Thank you so much for these longer videos, I appreciate them so much. You've helped my anxiousness more than almost anything else I've read/seen on the matter. Edit: also would be so helpful if you could speak more in detail about creating this safe place for them / validating feelings without being invasive and overbearing
You are so welcome!
Yesss that’s a very good comment!!! That’s what I’d like too!
This is so so good. You are so smart, and the way you break things down is immaculate and succinct. Thank YOU! I am a recovering anxious type and my BF is everything you described as an avoidant. Especially now. It takes everything in me to not believe he is just not into me anymore, even though I know he is having a terrible family time right now with work and mentally ill family members... He is still planning dates and wants to see me, but I can see him being abit of a recluse and retreating into himself because he is stressed. Your advise is great but its tiring to implement.. I just remember that he is a great guy so its not a waste of time
Where do I even begin? Finally, a video on Anxious with Avoidant that doesn't straight away say that each style should be with a secure partner, which is, very often, so unrealistic! I also see a huge benefit of an Avoidant with an Anxious, IF both are on a journey of healing and self-reflection. Kudos also to acknowledging your own Anxious traits. Your videos are so refreshing and helpful, as they do not shame, but address the Anxious style in a matter-of-fact and non-judgemental way. Thank you!
I like your videos. You are to the point, you speak intelligently and youre honest and upfront and also compassionate.
This was such a lovely and thoughtful video. It is so clear you have done a great deal of research, have worked hard on yourself and have emerged with wisdom and understanding.
That you for your clarity and no waffle approach to the topic.
Unfortunately after 30plus years of trying to be the "powerhouse", not only I see no healing, I see the consequences in our new adult children. They even somehow blame me for staying and "running" their lives.
This live needs a very fine balance of these sensitive factors.
We didn't have these videos when we were younger.
All the best wishes for younger generations.
Thank you for taking the time to make this video
What a great video!! I found your channel today after reading an article about attachment styles. I realised for the first time why my dates never worked. I'm on the anxious side and holy shit. What a revelation. I have a journey ahead of me that's for sure!!
I gotta say your channel is saving my ass today from completely spiralling into a crazy person cause an avoidant guy I'm dating for couple of months decided to ignore me. Living in my head in times like this is a torture. Being ignored triggers the hell out of me😭
"Why are they like that?" Well, after 36 years of marriage, I finally put the pieces together and realized he is on the Autism spectrum/Asperger's and after researching everything about that, has explained everything that has been problematic in our relationship, all the unresolved conflicts, all the confusion and suffering, for both of us. Finally the elephant in the room has been identified. Having this realization has helped me tremendously, but doesn't change the way his brain works, and because he is not going to change, change has to come from me. I am doing the work to heal myself and make my own personal life as fulfilling and joyful as possible. Everything you talk about is true for the Asperger's partner, but also other deficits come into play due to their underdeveloped brain area responsible for emotional maturity and emotional intelligence, mind blindness, executive functioning deficits. It has been a long strange ride.
I think he can change... Even a little bit. He could try to see his duties as a second job and pretend he likes it. Over time he'll grow accustomed to being more present and so on and maybe even like it. I don't think only the anxious should change.
Something that I don’t see talked about much is not only avoidants being fearful of getting hurt. But hurting other people. Half of my avoidance is being scared to hurt someone because I know my feelings can change or that I am not easily tied down. Or most avoidants have history of hurting people they deeply care for and we carry that. Being avoidant doesn’t mean you don’t care. It can mean caring too much that you’re scared to allow it. Because it’s gutting either way.
This… actually makes sense. My bf broke up with me 3 months ago after 7 years bc he lost feelings for me again. Often times when things get too stressful he would become very emotionally numb and he would “lose feelings for me” which would lead to our relationship suffering. He broke up with me bc I’m his words “he’s tired of constantly hurting me, he can’t keep a relationship with me if he doesn’t have the romantic feelings, and he believes I deserve someone who is kinder” but I guess if he is aware of these patterns but feels he can’t do anything about it I guess it would make sense that he would end it
@@charityszakel2794 my ex too. It's been 2 months. I miss him and wanna work things out 😢
Margarita, this video was SO good and SO helpful. Thank you for sharing and for doing what you do. I appreciate you!
Am gonna watch this over and over. Thank you.
This has been so, so helpful for me. Thank you so much. I am on the anxious side and my boyfriend on the avoidant side. And I can truly notice him trying his best to fulfil my needs, and then pulls away. And I have had such a rough time understanding this. I have questioned what we have, does he even like me, why does he not show his love for me, etc, etc. When in reality, he shows his love to me in the way that he can and in the amount possible to him. Everytime I "nagg", telling him I need him to show affection etc, he's been so patient and loving and listening. And don't get me wrong, I have been really trying to "meet in the middle", but just never understood why he is so distant 50% of the time. Now I understand the difference between us, and even love him more for how hard he tries, knowing that it is far out of his "avoidant ways" zone. I can feel more compassion towards him now, and feel more secure in giving him space. Which, now that I think about it, always brings him back. It's not a game that we're playing. I just need to realise that we are both doing our best to make this work. Him in his way, and I in mine. I feel that the way in giving him space and letting him come to me when it feels safe for him, wil come from a more patient and trusting place. Thank you ❤
I totally feel u ❤
We all need reassurance... And it is very important. I was never in a relationship with the man, but one thing I was tired of was not being reassured, and encouraged. Felt like no matter what I did (to make things happen), it wasn't enough or I wasn't good enough... I gave up. But on my part, I should have been different too. I was also complaining alot at the beginning... Which created a cycle. He felt like not doing enough, then he gave up and in the end I was the one who felt like I wasn't doing enough... I have never been so much triggered in my life!!! never!! Felt like hell!!
But lately I came across videos about attachment styles, and I think I am Anxious-Avoidant (disorganised). Now I understand how he, being an avoidant, must have been triggered by my avoidant side whenever he was trying to be present, and also by my anxious side whenever he was pulling away... Awful. I understand so much now.
1. Be patient
2. Be a safe place
3. Understand their views-afraid of intimacy. Fear of rejection
4. Lacks mutual dependency
5. Avoid controlling/ be free
6. I didn't hear it but if you did kindly reply
7. Don't interrupt their alone time
8. Have your own everything/mirror them but don't become them
9. They may manipulate work/sex/busyness to keep from initimacy
10. Will spiral into criticism if they sense you are unhappy with the way they are and want more space
11. Say how you feel like...I feel hurt when....
12. Heal yourself to avoid excess emotions. Become a robot
13. Compliment not criticize highlight/ignore
14. Take requests and make them desires. Reverse negatives to I love it when you....
15. When they start shutting down, conversation is over
16. Validate their puny, crying inconsolable feelings
17. Everything is a win/lose. Be a parent and say honey, we can plan to do....how does that sound?
If you are anxious or secure and find it insanely too much, leave immediately. There are healthier people out there that are doing the work.
Loved this video! You’re delivery is beautiful ❤
Again this video is life changing for me. I understand how horrible I have been to my husband. I have been hypercritical. I am anxious and he is avoidant. Thanks again for helping me become a better person.