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It’s horrifying and mind boggling how a person with a criminal history of cyberstalking could manufacture a smear campaign filled with lies- while cyberstalking me- and anyone believed any of it. They are far better at this than anyone they target. It’s full no contact and avoidance and healing behind that wall. They try to chip away at it but you develop quick reflexes to plug those chips before a hole begins. We can become stronger people because of this but it takes unwavering discipline. Relapse can be part of it but get right back on that horse. It gets better!

Disorienting not dis orient tating. Good content though.

This was really insightful! You have a gift for summarizing things nicely and explaining in such an easy to understand manner. I definitely had an eye opening moment listening to you.

Being angry at the people who abused me always prevent me from going outside of my room, waiting till they leave, feeling disgust near them whenever they suddenly decide to come out of their room. I was hoping to find someone that’s in the same situation and what I could do to help me feel less angry since they are not physically abusing me, just emotionally sometimes

My avoidant doesnt take physical space, only emotional space. I think hes afraid of being alone, ever. He surrounds himself with male friends almost 24/7, and wants me around him all rhe time. But he literally is never alone with me, and is never alone at all.

This video is so important and accurate. I feel so tired and uninterested of people 😢

Download your free guide to breaking the cycle of mistrust and conflict in your relationships: www.ruthannharpur.co.uk/pl/2148596767

Yes, being raised by a disturbed and traumatized mother made me put her needs first, all the other people's needs first. Not I feel I have to learn how to be myself and that's so hard 😢

I'm a professor. A lot of my students seem immature, arrogant, selfish and unaware of their own behavior. It's hard not to take it personally but it's getting a little bit better ❤

That is totally accurate. After discovering the trauma and realizing I lot of people like my mother had been in my life in the past I'm scared and uninterested of human beings 😢

some has childhood brain injury that causes cognitive decline lack of motional regulation. this can cause massive conflicts in a romantic relationship resulting in quick breakup where the brain damaged person would og from one relationship to the next ruining every single relationship they get into.

I (51m) am a divorced anxious attachment, and my partner (44f) is a divorced strong autistic avoidant. after 3 months of the honeymoon dating period, i made 1 comment asking if she missed me and triggered the avoidance. she said she is highly attracted to my strong masculine confident self but the moment i showed this needy side, she felt coerced to respond and reveal her emotions and lost attraction instantly. she's looking for any reason to leave now. she's in therapy and is highly self aware and extremely brilliant and knows she is avoidant. she has a string of 3 month men and says the moment they get needy she runs. I'm devastated because we are so good together. the black and white view of the world imposed by her undiagnosed autism makes it even worse. im seriously about to leave and that triggered abandonment anxiety in her. i think I'm being manipulated. I'm very sure that she does not exhibit narcissistic disorder as she is extremely kind and giving and caring. she is also highly paranoid and anxious and struggles with life in general, has low self esteem and feels sorry for herself and her plight in the world. it's driving me crazy. but when i give her space and show pure irreverent masculinity, she's all over me with desire and passion.

That was such a good video, thank you a lot! ❤🥹🤗

Doing something nice for selfish reasons is called manipulation what the hell is this lady doing

Amazing , best advice on the internet when in a state of cognitive dissonance and wanting to understand with love and compassion. Thank you 🙏

They are 100000000% they don’t get lost with their own misery they go after others

The boss won't care abd he's adept at scapegoating.. his wife was a baby nurse practitioner and money spoke to them. . not my fault I got drawn into their lives .I even babysat the good drs children. I'll never trust anyone again.

The person sho said "targeted one day and relied on the next " regards to hownthe boss was is EXACLTY wat this boss does that I have!! kept thinking its me or am I crazy?? is it just all in my head??.. Its kinda relieving to hear that others understand and have went thru this too. Not because i want anyone else to be subjected to this but that others understand im not alone. No one else in the small group I work with gets treated the same as I.. its like im the scapegoat... so Ive no allies at all.. its so lonlely

I work for a person who plays extreme favorites. Is not honest about all things. Micromanages terribly. Forgets a job and then acts like its because no one reminded her!! She very carefully doesnt place blame on her favorites.. Yes people are the ones whom get respect which i was for her for sooo long but realized as soon as I needed somthing it was like i was an inconvenience I seem to have become the scapegoat in the very small group and am constantly kept outta communications and things.. but yet i should know what the hell is going on.. this person makes me feel so small and always tells me im difficult, people quit because of me etc... i just feel awful. I confronted her about things and since she is just cruel to me. Seemingly wants me to quit I guess.. im so drained and exhausted from it. She couldve fired me if i was that awful but I think its just another control thing. The hell is she is gonna fire you so u can collect unemployment while job searching! So pushes me to quit but the income is good if im getting hours and thats not being toyed with. Just needed to vent! To strangers i guess haha Somtimes i feel crazy like am I difficult and a shitty employee??... my self esteem has suffered. Ive been through alot of hesrt ache rough time growing up, then kids young etc.. ima survivior i get thru things.. so I think thats wat i do here. Scared to leave so i just try to survive it.. try not to let her push me to blwing up.point so she can then say how toxic I am and the other employees feel the same and shes documenting everything

Thank you for validating the need for legal assistance when dealing with psychotic narcissistic family. Mine literally dismantled my life in a court out of state. Thank you

Is there a linked video??

Download your free guide to breaking the cycle of mistrust and conflict in your relationships: www.ruthannharpur.co.uk/pl/2148596767

It’s like you’re reading my soul 💔❤️‍🩹😢❤😌

I’m definitely an avoidant partner and it really sucks, while I logically know in the immediate that I’m not irritated with my partner for ‘interrupting’ or anything, I feel awful that I feel that way in the moment. It feels like I’m treating them horribly-especially when it’s back to back and my frustration builds to be too much-even when I always do my best to set aside time when they ask so I can listen to them and not convey when I get illogically frustrated with them when I know they only care. It definitely can feel like I’m the aggressor even when I’m not yelling or treating them poorly. But it definitely doesn’t help (my ex-partner who I was with for 8 years and only just parted ways with) most likely has an anxious attachment style but also had trouble communicating their frustrations in our relationship from their side until it all bubbled up at once. And then they’d just continue to repeat themselves over and over in the immediate and I stopped being able to process in the moment, and so it always seemed to come off as my not caring and not putting in effort. Thought logically I know I was the problem there, no one person is almost every completely at fault definitely. But it is definitely a struggle on both ends and even with the effort to bridge the gap, someone’s it just doesn’t work out 😢🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you ever seen a Flying Monkey by themselves?

This really opened my eyes, I grew up not allowed to express my feelings i would literally get whooping for crying, the way i was taught how to tie my shoes my momma showed me once and then locked me in a room by myself and wouldnt let me leave until i figured it out. i could think of countless memories like this but i didnt really think much of it like i put it all in the back of my head until I watched this video. Im for sure gonna use all of these strategies I’m tired of pushing all my relationships away romantic and platonic I want to change

Thanks so much for this. It's been so draining over the years trying to fix other people who don't seem to want to be fixed! It's really drained me. I also need my own space and I want people to grow on their own. I am never going to try and fix another human being again. I also dated avoidants, and oh my days they are difficult. I have been too accommodating to other people's needs and what I realised I also need to be fixed but not. I just need to be listened to. I need kindness but not to be fixed. I am also an avoidant. I missed the point. Wow. Thanks. Been searching for this video for about twenty years. I am the commitment phobe. I am attracting the commitment phobes. I get it now.

As avoidant myself I can say for sure it is not good thing to have. And I only understand how bad it was after working with therapist for almost year to fix it

Thank you ❤

I am both, what can I do

2:21 Some narcs have big hippocampus In Morocco the narcissists have some mad memory, like these people memorise like 30 TB hard drive but I think the hippocampus is disconnected from the rest of the critical part of their brains because they memorise and repeat but don’t conceptualise. That’s the case with 95% of people here

I have definitely felt this disconnected brain phenomena. Here in Morocco 95% will tell you arguing destroys brain cells or kills your soul right before they make an argument because it’s their life support or the negativity, destruction from it and they will back it up with scriptures, studies, wisdom so that you don’t feel why is he arguing. It’s also similar in England and with many narcs that I have dealt with I swear it’s like we are living in some weird dystopian movie. This reality would have been unimaginable just 20 years ago. Now they fight to preserve it

The image of the detached brain makes so much sense I’ve been in Morocco for a while. Here there is a weird type of hypocrisy. They all memorise what’s good but they don’t understand. So they keep repeating logic like parrots to one another whilst working non-stop to invert reality. So when they want to gaslight you they will tell you lying has been shown to degrade the brain, then he will begin to lie. Like 95%. I always thought to myself there must be a biological reason, like a disconnected brain Even though I am not a neuroscientist but that was my analysis

0:34, that answers many questions We need more published studies on narcissism I don’t know why these things aren’t taught in institutions, shown in TV, the press etc. But it’s because they enjoy being evil narcs.

Thank you, this is really helpful. Thank you for sharing it. Consistent small steps really build over time and I´ve noticed just how much less drama and conflict is in my life. Still get very sad at times, but also learning to sit with my feelings. Not always easy but I think really helpful.

u callin me a narcicist? frick u i already knew that. my monkeys dont have wings.

I heard somewhere about the hedgehog's dilemma: they want to get close to others but they fear to be hurt. That's me. I don't trust myself enough to let people know my feelings because in the past being vulnerable got me nowhere 😢

The gift of being an anxious person married to an avoidant is that it heals the anxiousness as we become more and more clear that our bids will rarely be answered and that it has nothing to do with us.

😜 Genial style 💎 Dale bola a mi obra! 💚

I think anger is like many other things. It's like anxiety. It can be your worst enemy or a very good friend. It depends on how we take it ❤

Yes THIS WAS VERY HELPFUL I just subscribed thank you

It's so great to see, that more and more channels pop up, that are not into the 'let's demonize Cluster B' grift, and have a more humanistic and balanced approach.

Anxious

💚💚💚

❤❤❤

I think I've always had aviodant tendencies but this attachment style fully developed in me as a result of my first (and only) relationship. I was in pretty bad shape mentally back then and my partners' perception of himself highly depended on the time I spent with him and the compliments I'd shower him with. I know he needed to hear these things and I don't think he's a bad person (on the contrary - I think of him as a good guy, he just struggles with problems that needs professional treatment and I am not a professional), but every day started to look like when I talk to him I just say some nice things and hear about his day, mention something from my life occasionally. For me it was painfully one-sided. And when I wanted to reach out from support or comfort to him he just told me, that I have a really good life and others have it worse. I broke up with him after 10 months and it may sound harsh but honestly? It felt like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders. I haven't been in any romantic relationship since then. Every attempt or advance towards me make me freak out internally and I just can't imagine myself in any kind of romantic context. I know it's not objective or right but I just can't think of relationship as anything other than another assignment I'd have to take care of without any significant positives (in my life at least, I enjoy seeing relationships in fiction and around me when my friends get together). I wish I had a normal look on relationships and maybe even be in a happy relationship right now... Sorry for oversharing and thanks to everyone who have read that

I have serious trust issues. And I don't feel any interest in most people.

It was good until my Father died, when I was ten

Obrigada Dra Ruth Harpur 🙏❤️🍀🪷

I can be both, but I see myself as more anxious and become avoidant once I feel entirely out of it and like nothing is going to change and in ways my partner is similar to me too We had emotionally distant or unavailable sometimes mean fathers but we still know inherently that they love us and we do the same and we have very caring mothers but in a way we are afraid of their disapproval or disappointment because we don’t know how to handle when our “safe parent” is now sending us mixed signals I am more anxious she is more avoidant And it’s hard because I also see a lot of negativity surrounding this kind of relationship and how messy and bad it can get over time if left unchecked and untreated. Yet ultimately I know that we both want things to be better and we both actually love each other Her style of attachment and such has turned/created a monster within me that is needy and almost insatiable but I’m afraid to just be frank with her because sometimes we have these conversations and she begins to shut down And I know that all in all it can be hard and frustrating our sexual intimacy has dropped to zero and our relationship is in a rough rocky patch But I know she craves love because I can see when she’s happy and feels stable that even if it’s not perfect we both reach a place of secure attachment Maybe I’m blowing this into the wind to be heard But when things are hard we revert to our ways of survival Anxious and Avoidant In ways even our baselines can trigger us Her seeming lack of interest or not calling or texting me But now I think I’m starting to understand that maybe my love is like a cat and I’m some sort of dog and it’s hard to get along but no one said it was impossible