3 months after being discarded. Most horrible thing I have ever experienced. Constant Anxiety, pain, daily crying and sulking, admitted to the hospital with suicidal ideation. Still struggling badly, now on several meds, regular checkups with doctor and therapy. Worst thing I have ever experienced as a grown ass man. My only wrongdoing was that I was a genuinely good loving person in their life. Unhealed and unaware avoidants will hurt you badly, do not think others traumas will fade if you love them hard enough. Dealing with others traumas can be dangerous stuff, leave that to the professionals and for your own health and safety walk away.
I'm sorry to hear this and hope you are healing, even if it's slowly. 🙏 There are moments that I literally wish I was not alive and I'll cry and say it out loud; I don't want to hurt myself, but I don't want to be here. It's horrible, then I blame myself for even allowing someone to make me feel that way. This is excruciating, I agree. 😩💔😔 Idk how to move forward when I still love him, even though he hurt me so badly. What's wrong with me? 😑
@@jd6331 Thanks. I feel your pain, we will be fine, we both will grow and heal. At some point we will get the love we deserve and at a much higher emotional level. We wholeheartedly fought, gave and fell. “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” (Churchill). The (unaware, unhealed) avoidant will just sadly go down the same path, self-sabotaging, destroying good people in their path. The avoidant will continue to chase “the one”, the unicorn. They despise vulnerability, it’s considered a weakness… i was resented for my ability to be vulnerable, to be sensitive. Remember there is nothing that we could have done differently, they would eventually discarded us. Do not blame your self. You will succeed. I once asked life; why do you take away people?, life answered; to make room for good people.
Sorry this happened to you. Same here. I remind myself everyday the clue is in the name: AVOID(ant)! It's not about us it's their issue...I'm allergic to avoidants now. Onwards & upwards! Next partner won't be one of those! Wishing you all the best, I'm feeling stronger now and it feels so good.
He discarded me with no closure, but demanded - and I mean DEMANDED - that we remain "friends". He came back 4 months later and again, DEMANDED I take him back. After a lot of back and forth insanity, I cut him off on the 29th May 2022. My life has been nothing short of Beeeeautiful ever since!
Yes, god damn, that shit was painful. I spent an entire spring and summer devastated, deeply hurt and heartbroken beyond belief. Luckily I managed to recover by the fall and work on myself.
Second year in a row he discarded me on my birthday.. took me 3 months last year to finally start feeling normal.. and that's when we reconnected and everything was perfect. I felt seen, cared for, secure, like it was sustainable this time! He was even putting in work to develop more secure attachments! Until I noticed this week he was just.. distant.. then he ghosted me on my birthday.. this experience, knowing someone can, at any given moment, just dissappear without a word.. it's creating a world of guarded, closed off, distrusting people..
I'm sorry! I recently had a birthday discard too. We had been together for one year. I asked him to call me on my birthday. Instead he called me two days early and discarded me.
My ex discarded/broke up with me for the first time the day before my birthday. We were scheduled to have dinner the next day with both our families. I didn't tell my family that he'd broken up with me. He told his Mom. Such an awkward dinner. 😬 Love can truly make us delusional. I allowed him to discard me twice after that. The upside is that by round 3 it didn't hurt as bad. I was just annoyed that he was singing the same old song and dance. Third time was the charm. No mås. 🙅🏾♀️
I just got discarded on my birthday as well smh. It’s been a little over a week and I actually feel a little bit of peace. I know I gave my all and I’m truly in love with him. So I don’t blame myself anymore. Hope he heals though.
That sucks so bad! I also just got discarded on my birthday. Couldn't even eat any of my cake I was so sick. Finally able to eat and drink again, 2 weeks out.
It is so hard to understand how she could go from being so invested, so happy, so excited, having so much fun for months, being so physically passionate, telling me I was the one, telling me we would be together and have many happy years together, from all that to I am not ready for a relationship and probably just should be alone the rest of my life seemingly overnight? Then so cold like our relationship never happened or it didn't mean anything to her. I didn't know people like this existed who could just shut off and dismiss all their feelings. I felt so safe that I gave my all and that's why it hurts so badly, why it is so painful. Ryan nails it. You can't understand how painful it is until you experience it. It is not a typical breakup and some friends have said the typical things not understanding it is not normal. I do not blame myself but I feel the loss shattered dreams and pain so deeply. It causes despair, random crying, difficulty doing anything but I am trying hard to forget it, get over it, heal and move on and getting a little better after 4 months now.
8 months on for me and still think of her every minute of the day. I was the one, her soulmate, she'd never felt anything like it before etc etc. We got engaged on holiday together. Everyone always used to say how happy we always looked together and then bam, one argument, triggered and it's all over, it was like she flicked a switch and I didn't even exist anymore. I've never experienced anything so brutal and cold in my life before. it's not normal, it's psychopathic. I'm done with women and relationships, without a doubt the most painful experience of my life.
Ugh, I can relate so much! My relationship was great for 5 yrs, and he convinced me to move in and future faked a life together. I thought we were on our way to happily ever after...Then it was as if he switched off his heart and became so cold. I was walking on egg shells all the time, he gave me the silent treatment, withheld affection and generally acted like I was invisible much of the time. Any attempt to talk through anything was met with rage or completely dismissed. A completely different person emerged. I was shattered, so I left him, although he had emotionally discarded me already. It nearly destroyed me, and of course there was never any closure. He wouldn't talk about anything, and just let me walk away even though he seemed shocked. It was as if 7 years meant nothing to him, and wasn't even worth a conversation even though I'm pretty sure he didn't want me to go! He even tried to get back with me months later, but still refused to talk about things. It was so damn confusing - I'll never understand how a person can flip on you in such a profound way and be so hurtful without a shred of remorse. He had some narcissistic traits sprinkled in too. It has been the hardest thing to heal from, because a chunk of my life just feels like it was all an illusion.
My girlfriend texted me that she was so happy for our engagement and can’t wait to be my wife, 5 days before she discarded me. I feel you man, hugs to you, stay strong.
Jesus 100% truth. Been there for months. I am gratefull I didn't suicide. I think I have a guardian angel who helped me overcome this. I was forcing myself to just go out with people/friends, attend events just to not sit at home and cry my eyes out. I felt physical pain in my whole body like drug addict, I don't wish going through this even for my enemies. I'm 18 months forward, he still didn't apologise 🤷♀️ that's my answer
Same here It's been two and half years, the only thing I can say that it gets better, way better, you realize that they were never there to begin with and you were just low maintenance enough to be okay with emotional scraps. We eventually reconnected recently, and I see now that it's really about them, they're unable to connect emotionally to anyone. There's only one way and that's forward.
Feel like I got my soul and heart slashed to ribbons. 5 months later its getting better bit by bit. Not even a breakup text just removed off everything so i had false hope for a while thinking it was just a bad mood. After refusing to see me on our anniversary of all days :( Avoidants are cruel
Yeah, I see this pattern with holidays. Mine FA ruined my Thanksgiving, then tried for Xmas. Cancels as last minute then complained saying "I wanted it just for the two of us, but your family was there, so I decided not to go"..Evil, twisted, and just plain mean. Two years in a row on my B day we got into an argument (trivial) and he left and ruined it for me. RUN FROM AVOIDANTS
@@saxonpete5131 There have been further studies that show they're different. Doesn't justify the behavior, or lessen our pain though. As someone who's been involved with both I'd say with the narc I could pick it up that something was off, with the DA I never expected them to do that. But the DA does totally beat themself up afterwards, they just don't show anybody their pain.
@@ashton1952 They get triggered and finish with you as if you never existed and a few days before you were their perfect partner, their soulmate, the love of their life It's a defense mechanism, to protect themselves from feeling pain. Selfish, cold hearted and comes across as evil, leaves you feeling like you've been used and thrown away like a piece of rubbish.
@@ashton1952Great so the DA feels bad about it, but won't do anything to act on that. How is that ANY different for the person on the receiving end? Literally everytime someone talks about the difference, it's from the DA perspective and not a single mention of the difference from the perspective of the person on the receiving end, because there is no difference.
It’s been a month and a half and there isn’t a day we’re I’m not obsessively thinking and replaying things in my head. And I’m so profoundly angry and anxious and in pain. People like him are a liability. I wish he never pursued me or said what he said. i would have never shared myself the way I did. I can’t eat. And when I sleep I dream of him because my brain is trying to process the utter absurdity of his deal. I was real. you fked me up big time and you knew my background because I shared it all. Cos lplaying the emotionally available nice guy just for an ego boost.
@elliea8868 I have, on anything avoidant even as far as BPD. Just leads to more hurt and confusion. Just pray she heals and i know anybody after me is fighting for 2nd place.
same. 7 years, things great. got engaged in Feb, wheels fell off by May, and she gave me the ring back. Absolutely devastating. I helped raise her girls half of their life. Came home from work and all 3 gone. Unbearably painful.
@@elliea8868Fearful avoidants are known to suddenly leave; their fears overwhelm them. I believe DA are more stable, but it's also possible, especially if they are part DA- part FA
Another thing I've found really helps with the memories of the good times you spent with your avoidant ex - remove them from the memory. Say you are looking back fondly and sadly, remembering the times you spent walking with them along the beach at sunset. Great. Then remind yourself that what you're actually having fond memories of is YOU walking along that beach. It's not about lying to yourself and pretending they weren't there. Only that they are such an insignificant part of it that there's no need to include them in the story. Also, if the memories are of how they behaved, then remember that all they were was a mirror reflecting back to you the parts of yourself you perhaps hadn't wanted to admit to, but love deeply.
Almost 1 yr. went back and port to my doctor twice a week just to make me feel calm and heal.😢Just because my SP suddenly ignored me for no reason. Thank you LORD,GOD I passed that grief feelings.😭🙏 At that time I can't explain the deep sadness, can't eat,can't sleep.Even I'm walking in the crowded places I cried like a child like nobody's with me. 😢
You’re not alone. I’ve been there, I exactly know how you feel my friend. I have learned Narcissistic Personality from TH-cam channels, Especially with coach Ryan. I can’t sleep, can’t eat. Counselors didn’t help, they prescribed depression Med. They told me to move on…worthless.
Nope you can' t. World is full of them. They are narcs. Covert ones. They are evil masters in disguise. Even as a secure one i fall in their trap. Sure i can walk away. But the backstabbing still hurts.
It seems like the pain of it is explained as “blaming yourself” and that if you can quit that reasoning, you’re healing will start. I’m wanting to challenge that. I don’t blame myself. I don’t think I did at the time. The pain was from the betrayal itself. From the get go it wasn’t “my fault”, but there was also NOTHING to hang this pain on. It’s betrayal in/of itself that is the source of pain. The blame, the why, the how could he, all that is the brain flailing for a way to normalize and minimize the shock. But betrayal trauma is 100% searing and life altering whether you blame or don’t blame yourself, whether you understand that your partner has a disorder or not. It’s the total betrayal. You tried. They didn’t. They walked somewhere with you and vanished and left you in that place bereft of a sense of wtf or direction. They smashed the compass and even that is inexplicable. Not blaming myself, or understanding his avoidant disorder, that doesn’t really help. It’s pure pain of betrayal. Or being led to the lions and left there.
Wow… you really described perfectly my experience. This person led me to their country and after i uprooted my life to be with them, he cheated on me and left me homeless in his country. It was insanely brutal and I feel I was 50% knowing it was pure betrayal yet 50% not being able to help but also blame myself and make excuses for him to minimize the shock like you say… it was horrible. I was so taken advantage by this person that even after he got me into legal troubles and tried to escalate it and make it worse for me on top of the cheating, leaving me homeless, and smearing campaign he started about me with his family and new coworkers, i still payed for his phone bill for an entire year after our separation while I couldnt even afford it just because I thought he’d still come back to me.. the very same phone he was using to continue and advance his new relationship he started right after kicking me to the curb. Brutal indeed.
Yeah betrayal is the right word. It is the shock. You felt safe to give your heart and you did, you feel betrayed. I feel I was led to rainbows and butterflies only to be stabbed in the back by someone I trusted. I now feel deceived and tricked. Like Ryan says, you now question your ability to discern reality in a relationship or to ever know if you can believe what someone is telling and showing you.
Their defence mechanism really hurts .. i still consider and care for his feelings .. I dont understand this kind of behaviour towards someone you love
I believe they feel something like a kind of panic attack, it's a feeling of impending doom, like they'll cause the world to come to an end if they proceed, and all they can think of is getting out of what they're involved in, to prevent that.
My experience with avoidants is that that low-key have low self-esteem, so he may in fact have been telling you the truth. My ex DA used to tell mutual friends that I'm going places in life and he's not. He felt inadequate. 😢
My Daughter of 42 is experiencing the most traumatic breakup ever from an avoidant. So many of us thought he was the perfect person for her. The discarding started after they spoke of getting married. It was on again off again almost every month and sometimes every 2 weeks. Even after being engaged it still happened and twice before they were to be married. They were going to counseling to work on the issues but he just recently cut off completely and said she was dead to him. My daughters heartbroken and still holding out hope he will choose to get healthy. How do we spot an avoidant, how can we help prevent this from ever happening again. We were blindsided completely.
They can heal but have got to be prepared to take that task on. Idk if there's a way to tell in advance, this is a really good question... with me (woman/part secure/part avoidant) I have to force myself to stay calm, not give in to irrational fears, but it's always right at the beginning of a new relationship (after a couple of dates) and proceed until I get secure attached, and then that fear goes away. This is after having recognized the problem (much like PTSD) and doing therapy. I have never ghosted someone or run away after commitment. With male DA's it's a little different because men are chasers. Narcs there's a test, like a list of questions that reveal who they are. narcs do not change they get worse, from all the evidence we have available so far.
Hello! I am so sorry to hear about your Daughter’s pain. I pray that she heals fast and gets back to her feet and be happy again🙏 I matched with this guy on a dating app, the first few days, he was love bombing me, I was over the moon, too good to be true!…. Little did I know that those were dangerous signs! Now after 6 months here I am discarded by an avoidant! Excruciating pain! I remember the times that I had begged for him not to ignore me, ghost me and a lot more! An experience you don’t even wish for your worst enemy!! 😢
here’s my story. i dated this girl for a year and a half, and i was getting ready for us to get engaged. we are both Christians, and a shared value that we had was that we were going to wait for marriage on intimacy. as time went on, boundaries kind of expanded and we got complacent. we were already having a hard time seeing eye to eye on what music i listen to, and she was questioning where we were in terms of convictions. this was during what was otherwise an extended honeymoon phase. this is where i feel i got discarded- between the doubts on convictions and pushing of boundaries, i guess she had some significant questions about our relationship. she decided to tempt me sexually as a test, and got me to say that i would sleep with her because we were already planning on getting married. she then told me that it was a test, and that i had failed. she said that i had lied to her, i wasn’t the leader she thought i was, thought we were going to end up together, and became extremely cold to me at any point that i communicated with her. he words hurt me so bad, to the point where i couldn’t even eat or sleep for nearly a week.
Don't beat yourself up bro and blame yourself (if you are) for failing the leadership and temptation tests. If you would have remained perfect to your convictions, the same thing would have happened because that is who they are. We decided to live according to our Christian convictions and she still discarded me virtually overnight for vague reasons.
@@Acoffeewithlotta it absolutely shattered me for a while. i understand that i made some mistakes along the way, but her testing me was so random, and she turned so cold so fast that i wonder if she was already wanting out of the relationship. either way, she detached from me immediately and it hurt like nothing else
Just came out of a 5 yr with one. 3.5 yrs in it was like the mask got dropped one day. Then slowly bit by bit backing off until one day, gone like a fart in the wind. No discuss, no closure just cold and complete cutoff. Im soldiering on and doing no contact but damn it hurts inside
Yep, I've been seeing the mask drop. Nothing there / empty shell / no animation. I asked him to let me know if BF/GF was off, but he hasn't responded. Avoidance or confusion? I'm ready to leave - just wanted him to make the call.
Fake person is most likely to have been a narc. Narcs wear masks. With those there's a kind of test, some questions you can ask at the beginning, so you can tell and not get involved with them. DA Idk, trying to find out if there's any kind of test like that.
spell check... sorry, you made me laugh. On a real note, I hope you get through this and can heal with time 🩷.... me too. It's absolutely horrible. It's been over 6 weeks for me since I've seen him, and I'm still devastated. Completely shattered. I thought I would spend my life with him, now I have to somehow heal and start over. Doesn't make sense. 💔
I have never heard what happened to me in such an informative way. You are the real deal. Thank you for giving me clarity. Yes broke up after going out of town and I thought we had a fabulous time. We got back together 10 days later. I reached out. Stayed together for two months and wham out of nowhere he broke up with me the day before N Years Eve. I had been planning New Years Eve and Day. He knew that. I think Holidays triggered him and going out of town. Thank you for explaining his behavior to me. Never said I was the nicest to him but I was very loving and kind to him. And he to me until the devaluation and discard.
That being said, your point that there are other people like us out there and that now we’ll have the mental and emotional real estate to meet those people just melted my heart and was so consoling. Thank you!
Thank you, for this. I went through it for two years. He discarded me so many times, stood me up, and so much more. I lost my sister and niece and he said nothing, never asked how I was. No hapoy birthday , nothing. The last couple of times he stood me up and pulled that crap, I ended up leaving him. He won’t stop coming back and messing with my head. I’ve tried to move on, but he won’t allow it, he has me so stressed out and my nervous system all messed up that I can’t even sleep or eat and haven’t slept in days. Ladies and gents, please stay away from these types of people, they are the most broken people. What happens when you try to save someone that’s drowning? It took me years to be where I was, and he came into my life and broke me and left and did it over and over and over every time I built myself back up.
Yes. Worst experience of my entire life. I was in gut wrenching pain. 😢 after 11 years it was so sudden and out of the blue. I wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone.
Its been a month since she discarded me. I am almost healed. Definitely traumatic and came out of nowhere. That last sexual experience corded me to her and her potential lovers. My self esteem was crushed. I almost gave up on women.
This is not what happened to me. Actually he did a really huge disrespect and betrayal one day, it was malicious, calculated, and left me no choice but to cut off all contact with him. Some of these people don't break it off, they push you to the point where you have to break it off. I raged at him and told him off several times, told him I was done, before I cut him off actually. I told him I deserve better than how he was treating me. He didn't seem to like that lol. My last desperate attempt to see if there was a real person underneath. But no reaction, not a word. Then came his ultimate disrespect and betrayal, total assault on my non-negotiable boundaries. Unbelievable. Left me absolutely no choice. It's like a test, am I going to tolerate emotional abuse or get rid of the source? Of course I chose the latter. I had a painful childhood, but I will treasure forever above all my wonderful father, who gave me total love always. A woman's first love is her father and she seeks a mate like her father. Fortunately for me, I don't have daddy issues and I will not be with a partner who mistreats me. And another bonus I have, I can spot the red flags a mile away. As well as the green flags. The funny thing is that I always thought everyone had it all together, they all seemed to. And I've always been a mess of nerves, sensitivity, uncertainty, seeking truth, decency, etc. And now I'm finding I'm so much less screwed up than most people. Surprise lol! Appreciating your thankfully short and very insightful videos. ❤❤
same happened to me... He told me "well, you hung in there a very long time"...then poof! Discarded. No emotions, no discussion, just blocked. Found someone else I am sure. They do not seem to be insecure to me. they just get on the internet and find another victim to suck dry. Just like narcissists
Thank you - so many 'counselors' on youtube are in the biz of making money by showing consumers of their content how to 'work with' someone who has traumatized them because they are dealing with an avoidant. They are at worse scam artists or at best severely misguided and trying to rationalize to themselves their own existence and probably think they are helping when all they are doing is contributing to people not healing from their emotional traumas inflicted upon them
true, it never made sense to me to pass so much empathy to avoidants instead of calling them out. If i figure someone is an F/D avoidant, i run for the hills irrespective.
I have no sympathy for those cover narcissist. The only good thing is mostly they come to trigger your abadonment issue. Heal it, and run far away, never look back. They will do the same thing with everyone.
This avoidant video sounds too much like a narcissist… I’ve been discarded by both…my first real relationship was an avoidant and it was very painful but I could understand where his craziness was coming from…I knew he had tons of trauma and abandonment issues. I could make sense as to why he did the things he did…I saw the small red flags that a discard was coming but I ignored them and felt extremely secure in all he had told me…on the other hand the discard from my narcissistic ex was excruciatingly painful to say the least….i was left completely distraught and seeking for answers upon answers on what I had just gone through…never known a pain like this!
Exactly the same for me...😢. Everything seemed to be fine, I was deeply in love with her, she told me nobody had done what I've made for her (just caring), and she was happy to get me in her life. Three days before the breakup, she was talking about a great future together, and suddenly, " it's better to end the relationship, I can't blame you for anything, but maybe I was not ready for a new relationship..." I've heard that the day after she was in restaurant with friends...and she was feeling ok, she had already moved on. I know she hasn't met anybody, just want to be on her own. Really hard...never heard of avoidant attachment before this happen. For a few months now, I've seen a lot of podcasts from many coaches, and now I understand that the problem does not come from me, does not make it hurtless.
@@FreddyFredo-ne9to Exactly, I was just thinking that yesterday... Knowing where their trauma stems from is good information, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I'm completely devastated and I feel so lost. 😥 My heart literally aches from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep at night.
@@jd6331 I don't know if I will ever find where does it come from, as we are in no contact, and even if I find out the reason, I can't cure that. Must come from herself, but she doesn't analyze anything wrong with her.
@@jd6331 pain is still here, almost 4 months since the breakup, I have worked hard to change my mindset, every day is different from the previous one, I know I won't forget her, even if she maybe forget me, but I forgive her, as it's a triggered reaction from and unhealed trauma. Hard to let go, but I think I've done my best to save the relationship. I still think she was worth it, never felt this way before. Beautiful, clever, funny, with an amazing past, she made me feel alive, I just wanted the best for both of us. But I just can't choose for her. She's made up her mind, and I only can accept it, even if I disagree with her decision. Have wished her the best, cause I love her.
My Daughter of 42 is experiencing the most traumatic breakup ever from an avoidant. So many of us thought he was the perfect person for her. The discarding started after they spoke of getting married. It was on again off again almost every month and sometimes every 2 weeks. Even after being engaged it still happened and twice before they were to be married. They were going to counseling to work on the issues but he just recently cut off completely and said she was dead to him. My daughters heartbroken and still holding out hope he will choose to get healthy. How do we spot an avoidant, how can we help prevent this from e happening again. We were blindsided completely.
Ryan. "Thank You" I believe the universe brought you to me. In this time of Darkness. Devastation. Despair. Depression. 💔 Not only did I lose my best friend but I lost what I felt was the love of my life. 15 year friendship/2years in the romantic realm. He monkey branched me & then acted as if I never existed in his life. Literally. No communication no nothing. Before. During. After. If I had been anymore gaslit I would be permanently on fire. This is bone crushing painful. Its taken this strong warrior princess to her knees. If the relationship was soooo great then why do I feel like I am now in hell? Maybe its the truth of the real reality of what the relationship really was. Not what I thought I had. I never could betray someone I loved like that. I gave him all of me. I loved him with my whole heart. Unconditionally. Irrevocablly. I still can not wrap my head around this. I cant even register it. I do not do social media of any kind. Its not how I roll. Im not a youtube troller. I am grateful for you & your compassion, insight & all of your help for understanding & healing in what happened to me. I will never have the answers to all of the burning questions in my mind as to when. Where. How. Why. He did this. I am about TRUTH & I could of handled that dead on. But not THIS. At the end of the day he did not chose ME. He chose HER. Whomever she may be. I clearly wasnt enough. Will I ever be? He has shown me just how important I was to him & in his life. 😢 The disrespect towards me is brutal. Harsh. Because he gave me no explanation. No communication during the relationship whatsoever. I was not given any opportunity to fix anything. Do anything. No closure existed. Zero. I was just thrown away like I was nothing & honestly I will never be the same after this. The one person who I fully trusted with me & my heart completely violated & betrayed me. He is not the person I believed that he was all of those years. Not even close. There are so many things that I want to say to him to unleash this pain & all I feel. My words would only fall on deaf ears & never be acknowledged or heard. He has a shiny new toy now. It would not matter. She can have him. She can have his shit show & every act in it. If he were standing right in front of me right now the ONLY thing I would have to say to him in that moment would be "Fuck You". Because of all the years of kindness love & supporting him in all things & he had the audacity to treat me wrong me & mistreat me in all of the ways he did. I know all of the good things that I did mattered even though ultimately I do not & I am choking on it. For anyone out there going through this my heart is with you. I am here if you need someone. Always remember WHO YOU ARE. We have to find a way to LET THEM GO. I still dont know how. I did not deserve this. You did not deserve this. I am at a complete loss in exactly how to process this. It went down a month ago & I cant even feel myself breathing. Where did the lies end & where did he begin? 🥺
I feel every word of this. I've just been discarded and it was humiliating. I found your videos only after it happened, so I didn't know what to do. I tried and tried to reach out and ask what exactly I did wrong. The person blocked me on Facebook. I've not been blocked on other platforms, but I'm going to steer clear. It hurts too much and after watching your videos, I know what to do.
she destroyed me after catching her cheating with her ex. She definitely blindsided me. did not saw me or call me to breakup only text and made some vague excuses to deal with her family issues. We dated over a year and out of blue she pulled the rug underneath me. God sees what she did to me and other men before me.
Snoop Dogg's catchphrase "We don't luv dem hoes" hits differently when dealing with being discarded by an fearful/dismissive avoidant... I'm going through this now.
Dear Ryan, I can’t tell you how much this video meant to me - thank you! 💕It was so important for me to hear, to validate my experiences, and remind me of how I need to move forward. This video was just what I needed to hear from several angles of this situation. It spoke to me on a very deep and healing level. Once again, thank you.
My sister just passed and he just ran into another woman’s arms he met out in a bar. Didn’t look back. Just left! No contact 2 weeks He texted happy Easter from her home. I’m in a sad grieving situation. Double whammy! Very traumatic. I just realized I’m co dependent and I need help.
I hope you're doing well stranger You did nothing wrong, focus on getting on your feet, and don't waste too much time seeking answers, once you start getting better, answers will come your way, I promise
I just realized this happened to me. I literally blacked a lot of it out where I was able to watch this and say I was glad I hadn't experienced until my mouth dropped & eyes stared blankly recalling what happened years ago. Never heard from them.
The same day he told me he was invested in the relationship, then he breaks up with me after I caught them in a lie. He was sitting on it for a while and I was blindsided. Day 3 of no contact and it does get easier.
I got all the way to the physical withdrawal, at some points my whole body was just shaking 9 months and still going thru it all tho way better then a few months back, developed Ptsd, Ptrs, broken heart syndrome, depression and anxiety. It's hard but I respected her decision and let her be I'm focused on healing on my own and being their for our kids, she monkey branched to someone else , we are 37 Years old and she left me for a 22 year old, she got pregnant and moved in with him and she thru away 11 years like nothing.😢
Hi Coach Ryan! Love your videos and they helped me heal a lot. Thank you! Can you talk about whether the avoidant who discarded their partner can move on without feeling the remorse from what they did? Do they ever reflect on their problematic behaviors?
If you've ever experienced a panic attack, it's something like this feeling that makes them leave; overwhelming sense of approaching doom. It's how I understand it. They feel terrible afterwards but hide their tears. It can take longer to impact them than immediately afterwards, depends on the person. But, have boundaries in place because they can come back and do the same thing again... They can heal this but need awareness of what it is and to decide to fix it.
what is the point of you saying this? we all know all of this... When we are in pain we want to cease the pain... we want to know WHAT TO DO to not be discarded by an avoidant.
Step 1: understanding that you shouldnt want to NOT be discarded by an avoidant who already discarded you or is in the process of doing that. Step 2: understand that an avoidant willing to discard you is not worth your time, love, attention, desire… I 10000000% understand your pain right now. But it does get better. Believe it or not, you get over them fully, understand who they truly are and you will want nothing to do with them once you see them for who they really are. I know. If i was told this at that time, I wouldve probably dismissed this hardcorely but trust me…. If this person is willing to be this way towards another human being… no matter how much you might feel for them and all the trauma that has led them to be how they are right now…. This person is not OKAY. You probably have gone through your fair share of trauma as well and you probably wouldnt treat anybody how they have or are treating you right now, because if you would, then it wouldnt hurt so much to be treated this way… but you wouldn’t and thats part of the reason why it hurts so much. So do yourself a favor and seek Jesus. Trust me. It may not make sense now, but it will at some point. Jesus is the only way to fully and truly break free from the claws of other humans and find your highest self-empowerment in your identity as a child of the Most High God. I promise if you seek Him, you wont regret it one bit. God bless.
Try healing your own attachment style. Thais Gibson does a Personal Development School that is has great tools to help you get secure. Once secure, any unhealed person whether it's anxious, avoidant or both will not seem as attractive to you. You have to have boundaries and non-negotiables in place and only stay in situations where your needs are getting met and not staying based on potential. Anxious/Avoidant signs are pretty easy to spot once your healed.
So what happens to the avoidant when you go 100% no contact? Does the impact of their discard hit them like a ton of bricks or they just move on like nothing happened?
It hits them like a (delayed) ton of bricks, yes. They feel the same pain but deal with it totally differently than an anxious person would. On the other hand, a person without any empathy is a narc or other clinical disorder.
Why would you tell people that this is 100% on the avoidant and to never look into themselves? Avoidants get triggered when they don't feel safe and supported by their partner or if their partner communicates in a harsh or accusing way rather than having a healthy discussion. If you're talking about a situation where the avoidant is with a secure partner, I understand. But so many who think they're secure actually lean anxious therefore they're equally as unhealthy as an avoidant and need to take accountability and work on themselves too. Telling people they are completely in the clear and it's all the avoidants fault is enabling potentially toxic behaviors on their own end. Both sides need a lot of work. 🤦♀️
You’re not wrong that the anxious partner also has issues and needs to work on themselves. But the anxious partner would never discard the avoidant like they are garbage the way the avoidant does to the anxious. Avoidants are the worse ones in the relationship. They are cold and cruel. Additionally anxious are usually willing to work through issues. Avoidants are not. One is arguably worse than the other. It’s just facts.
@@bbrittanyy1 I've had good experiences with avoidants and awful experiences with anxious attachments so I disagree. If you're "discarded" you're likely dealing with a narcissist. If someone who leans avoidant doesn't want to work things out with you, it might be because they just don't think you're a good match for them so why bother putting in the effort. People date and change their mind all of the time and that's their right. It's up to us to keep it together and not emotionally explode or put expectations on people who just don't want them. I've had my feelings hurt by an avoidant, but I've never felt the need to get away from them like I have with an anxious man. Ironically enough, any anxious person I've asked said they don't want someone anxiously attached to them either as it feels too smothering. My response is now you know how avoidants feel about you. 🤷♀️ Date people you're compatible with, not those you get quickly attached to.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes with all due respect, you’re being quite dismissive of the pain that people feel when discarded by an avoidant and you’re speaking as if you know everything. Every situation is different. Do you know what attachment style you are? Genuinely curious. My avoidant discarded me after 5 years of a beautiful relationship together. We own a home together, and have been living in it for the passed 3 years. We own 3 cats together. We work together. We were talking about marriage and kids. He allowed me to take a $20,000 pay cut at my job so we could transition into me quitting work all together and become “trad” and having his children. Within 2 weeks of making major life decisions he discarded me, he blindsided me with a breakup out of nowhere, let out a laundry list of complaints that I had never heard before (all of which were trivial and could be fixed), and ran away to his parents house and has stonewalled all further communication since. He actively withheld communication from me. He actively hid his feelings from me. And not only did he do this, but he actively put on a facade that everything was fine and that we was perfectly happy with me. He was continuing to make long term future plans with me. When I did suspect that things were off and I would question him about it, he would lie to me and tell me everything is fine. I genuinely had no idea that he felt unhappy. I genuinely had no idea that there were any problems in the relationship. He led me to believe that everything was fine. The way he left the relationship was entirely cruel, cowardly, and selfish. Anyone who can do something like this is absolutely objectively worse than someone who is “clingy” and “smothering”. So you find all these videos that demonize the avoidant because the avoidant is the one who is out there destroying the lives of others and causing life changing emotional damage to their partners with their own selfishness. Anxious people don’t do this, they just don’t. I am not trying to argue that the anxious doesn’t have anything to work on, that they don’t also make mistakes, or that they should just accept themselves. I’m simply saying the reason you’ll find videos blaming the the avoidant is because the avoidant is the one out there breaking hearts. What anxious man completely devastated your entire world by abruptly leaving a longterm relationship? Oh yeah, none.
@@bbrittanyy1 I understand how you are perceiving my views, but you are dismissive of my experience with avoidants because of your own personal experience with one and pigeonholing a whole attachment style. I have really good friends that are dismissive avoidants and they don't act this way. I've also dated them. I've been a fearful avoidant (anxious and avoidant) for most of my life, but now test secure after many months doing deep work on my attachment style with personal development courses after I was heartbroken over someone more avoidant than myself. It sucked. But once I healed more I stopped blaming and started taking accountability for myself and who I was allowing into my life. Let me be clear, it sounds like you were blindsided and had an awful experience with this man. I hate this for you and I don't even know you. As for my experience with an anxious attachment, it was awful. Controlling, bossy, insecure men who wanted to keep me trapped. You say "clingy" as if it's insignificant, but try having a man monitor your clothes or sending a friend out to watch you or want to look through your phone. It doesn't even have to be that extreme. An anxious partner who buys you things and is super nice, but will not leave you alone. Gives you zero space and calls or texts excessively. Future planning early on. I wasn't there in your situation. I don't know how he felt. Maybe the reality of it all was too much or maybe he is just a dick. I don't know. But what I do know is there are well intentioned anxious men besides my experience as well as well intentioned avoidant men despite your experience.
Thank you so much for this video! Your explanation about the withdrawal from brain chemicals and the subconscious thinking that the avoidant is the only fix really helped! Also I'm reading the comments here & realizing that I'm not alone in the extreme pain I've being feeling from being ghosted / discarded. You've been a huge part of my healing - thank you so much for all you're doing for people! 🙏🩵
He's talking about a specific detrimental & abusive personality type, not your typical breakup from the mostly as$hole men that exist out there anymore. Although his description fits narcissists & other types too. His advice is valuable to people who take on the blame, struggle to understand how someone could act so immaturely. His advice is for us not the jerks😊
3 months after being discarded. Most horrible thing I have ever experienced. Constant Anxiety, pain, daily crying and sulking, admitted to the hospital with suicidal ideation. Still struggling badly, now on several meds, regular checkups with doctor and therapy. Worst thing I have ever experienced as a grown ass man. My only wrongdoing was that I was a genuinely good loving person in their life. Unhealed and unaware avoidants will hurt you badly, do not think others traumas will fade if you love them hard enough. Dealing with others traumas can be dangerous stuff, leave that to the professionals and for your own health and safety walk away.
I'm sorry to hear this and hope you are healing, even if it's slowly. 🙏 There are moments that I literally wish I was not alive and I'll cry and say it out loud; I don't want to hurt myself, but I don't want to be here. It's horrible, then I blame myself for even allowing someone to make me feel that way. This is excruciating, I agree. 😩💔😔 Idk how to move forward when I still love him, even though he hurt me so badly. What's wrong with me? 😑
@@jd6331 Thanks. I feel your pain, we will be fine, we both will grow and heal. At some point we will get the love we deserve and at a much higher emotional level. We wholeheartedly fought, gave and fell. “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” (Churchill).
The (unaware, unhealed) avoidant will just sadly go down the same path, self-sabotaging, destroying good people in their path. The avoidant will continue to chase “the one”, the unicorn. They despise vulnerability, it’s considered a weakness… i was resented for my ability to be vulnerable, to be sensitive.
Remember there is nothing that we could have done differently, they would eventually discarded us. Do not blame your self. You will succeed.
I once asked life; why do you take away people?, life answered; to make room for good people.
Sorry this happened to you. Same here. I remind myself everyday the clue is in the name: AVOID(ant)! It's not about us it's their issue...I'm allergic to avoidants now. Onwards & upwards! Next partner won't be one of those! Wishing you all the best, I'm feeling stronger now and it feels so good.
No human is worth taking the medication route. Been there, those drugs will destroy your life worse than any person could.
Feeling this now. I can totally relate. It's the most painful experience.
just remember they lost someone who loved them but you did not. in the end this will make you stronger.
This.
❤
Whew, you put that beautifully. Thank you!
❤❤
He discarded me with no closure, but demanded - and I mean DEMANDED - that we remain "friends". He came back 4 months later and again, DEMANDED I take him back. After a lot of back and forth insanity, I cut him off on the 29th May 2022. My life has been nothing short of Beeeeautiful ever since!
Yes, god damn, that shit was painful. I spent an entire spring and summer devastated, deeply hurt and heartbroken beyond belief. Luckily I managed to recover by the fall and work on myself.
They really are. Can still feel the pain trapped in my body 8 months later, never experienced anything like this. Those first 3 months were BRUTAL
Made me suicidal.. even after 1.5 yrs ... absolutely fucking brutal
Same. I actually ended up in a mental hospital for a week.
I’m so sorry..to both of you…
Second year in a row he discarded me on my birthday.. took me 3 months last year to finally start feeling normal.. and that's when we reconnected and everything was perfect. I felt seen, cared for, secure, like it was sustainable this time! He was even putting in work to develop more secure attachments! Until I noticed this week he was just.. distant.. then he ghosted me on my birthday.. this experience, knowing someone can, at any given moment, just dissappear without a word.. it's creating a world of guarded, closed off, distrusting people..
I'm sorry! I recently had a birthday discard too. We had been together for one year. I asked him to call me on my birthday. Instead he called me two days early and discarded me.
My ex discarded/broke up with me for the first time the day before my birthday. We were scheduled to have dinner the next day with both our families. I didn't tell my family that he'd broken up with me. He told his Mom. Such an awkward dinner. 😬 Love can truly make us delusional. I allowed him to discard me twice after that. The upside is that by round 3 it didn't hurt as bad. I was just annoyed that he was singing the same old song and dance. Third time was the charm. No mås. 🙅🏾♀️
@@suligirl9425sounds like that person that hurt you has serious issues
I just got discarded on my birthday as well smh. It’s been a little over a week and I actually feel a little bit of peace. I know I gave my all and I’m truly in love with him. So I don’t blame myself anymore. Hope he heals though.
That sucks so bad! I also just got discarded on my birthday. Couldn't even eat any of my cake I was so sick. Finally able to eat and drink again, 2 weeks out.
It is so hard to understand how she could go from being so invested, so happy, so excited, having so much fun for months, being so physically passionate, telling me I was the one, telling me we would be together and have many happy years together, from all that to I am not ready for a relationship and probably just should be alone the rest of my life seemingly overnight? Then so cold like our relationship never happened or it didn't mean anything to her. I didn't know people like this existed who could just shut off and dismiss all their feelings. I felt so safe that I gave my all and that's why it hurts so badly, why it is so painful. Ryan nails it. You can't understand how painful it is until you experience it. It is not a typical breakup and some friends have said the typical things not understanding it is not normal. I do not blame myself but I feel the loss shattered dreams and pain so deeply. It causes despair, random crying, difficulty doing anything but I am trying hard to forget it, get over it, heal and move on and getting a little better after 4 months now.
8 months on for me and still think of her every minute of the day. I was the one, her soulmate, she'd never felt anything like it before etc etc. We got engaged on holiday together. Everyone always used to say how happy we always looked together and then bam, one argument, triggered and it's all over, it was like she flicked a switch and I didn't even exist anymore. I've never experienced anything so brutal and cold in my life before. it's not normal, it's psychopathic. I'm done with women and relationships, without a doubt the most painful experience of my life.
Ugh, I can relate so much! My relationship was great for 5 yrs, and he convinced me to move in and future faked a life together. I thought we were on our way to happily ever after...Then it was as if he switched off his heart and became so cold. I was walking on egg shells all the time, he gave me the silent treatment, withheld affection and generally acted like I was invisible much of the time. Any attempt to talk through anything was met with rage or completely dismissed. A completely different person emerged. I was shattered, so I left him, although he had emotionally discarded me already. It nearly destroyed me, and of course there was never any closure. He wouldn't talk about anything, and just let me walk away even though he seemed shocked. It was as if 7 years meant nothing to him, and wasn't even worth a conversation even though I'm pretty sure he didn't want me to go! He even tried to get back with me months later, but still refused to talk about things. It was so damn confusing - I'll never understand how a person can flip on you in such a profound way and be so hurtful without a shred of remorse. He had some narcissistic traits sprinkled in too. It has been the hardest thing to heal from, because a chunk of my life just feels like it was all an illusion.
My girlfriend texted me that she was so happy for our engagement and can’t wait to be my wife, 5 days before she discarded me. I feel you man, hugs to you, stay strong.
@@jill3330 I hear ya Jill, 5 years waste of time & extended torture for me as well. You can't get back time...
@@saxonpete5131Yea I’m done as well. The juice isn’t worth the squeeze going through this. I couldn’t handle it again. It’s sad but it’s the reality.
Jesus 100% truth. Been there for months. I am gratefull I didn't suicide. I think I have a guardian angel who helped me overcome this. I was forcing myself to just go out with people/friends, attend events just to not sit at home and cry my eyes out. I felt physical pain in my whole body like drug addict, I don't wish going through this even for my enemies. I'm 18 months forward, he still didn't apologise 🤷♀️ that's my answer
Same fucking brutal!!
Same here
It's been two and half years, the only thing I can say that it gets better, way better, you realize that they were never there to begin with and you were just low maintenance enough to be okay with emotional scraps.
We eventually reconnected recently, and I see now that it's really about them, they're unable to connect emotionally to anyone.
There's only one way and that's forward.
Feel like I got my soul and heart slashed to ribbons. 5 months later its getting better bit by bit. Not even a breakup text just removed off everything so i had false hope for a while thinking it was just a bad mood. After refusing to see me on our anniversary of all days :( Avoidants are cruel
Married 7 years to the day after. Discarded. Been a few months now but feels like yesterday.
Yeah, I see this pattern with holidays. Mine FA ruined my Thanksgiving, then tried for Xmas. Cancels as last minute then complained saying "I wanted it just for the two of us, but your family was there, so I decided not to go"..Evil, twisted, and just plain mean. Two years in a row on my B day we got into an argument (trivial) and he left and ruined it for me. RUN FROM AVOIDANTS
Yes, exactly. I am traumatized. Never again. I now have trust issues.
Same as a narcissist evil cold selfish behaviour
Psychologists will tell you that they share a lot of the same traits, they're almost identical.
@@saxonpete5131 There have been further studies that show they're different. Doesn't justify the behavior, or lessen our pain though. As someone who's been involved with both I'd say with the narc I could pick it up that something was off, with the DA I never expected them to do that. But the DA does totally beat themself up afterwards, they just don't show anybody their pain.
@@ashton1952
They get triggered and finish with you as if you never existed and a few days before you were their perfect partner, their soulmate, the love of their life It's a defense mechanism, to protect themselves from feeling pain.
Selfish, cold hearted and comes across as evil, leaves you feeling like you've been used and thrown away like a piece of rubbish.
@@ashton1952Great so the DA feels bad about it, but won't do anything to act on that. How is that ANY different for the person on the receiving end? Literally everytime someone talks about the difference, it's from the DA perspective and not a single mention of the difference from the perspective of the person on the receiving end, because there is no difference.
Maybe FAs and DAs are "Baby Narcissists" with accelerated learning
Loss half a year of my life. Absolutely traumatizing, what an experience.
You should start a match making service where you match all of us broken hearted, kind people!
It’s been a month and a half and there isn’t a day we’re I’m not obsessively thinking and replaying things in my head. And I’m so profoundly angry and anxious and in pain. People like him are a liability. I wish he never pursued me or said what he said. i would have never shared myself the way I did. I can’t eat. And when I sleep I dream of him because my brain is trying to process the utter absurdity of his deal. I was real. you fked me up big time and you knew my background because I shared it all. Cos lplaying the emotionally available nice guy just for an ego boost.
Yep. 7 years, once those talks of future plans started to become reality, poof gone after a weekend of thought, no wanting to discuss just gone.
I've researched and I believe it's a dismissive attachment style...research it!
@elliea8868 I have, on anything avoidant even as far as BPD. Just leads to more hurt and confusion. Just pray she heals and i know anybody after me is fighting for 2nd place.
same. 7 years, things great. got engaged in Feb, wheels fell off by May, and she gave me the ring back. Absolutely devastating. I helped raise her girls half of their life. Came home from work and all 3 gone. Unbearably painful.
@@elliea8868Fearful avoidants are known to suddenly leave; their fears overwhelm them. I believe DA are more stable, but it's also possible, especially if they are part DA- part FA
@@ashton1952 he might be both!
Another thing I've found really helps with the memories of the good times you spent with your avoidant ex - remove them from the memory. Say you are looking back fondly and sadly, remembering the times you spent walking with them along the beach at sunset. Great. Then remind yourself that what you're actually having fond memories of is YOU walking along that beach. It's not about lying to yourself and pretending they weren't there. Only that they are such an insignificant part of it that there's no need to include them in the story.
Also, if the memories are of how they behaved, then remember that all they were was a mirror reflecting back to you the parts of yourself you perhaps hadn't wanted to admit to, but love deeply.
Almost 1 yr. went back and port to my doctor twice a week just to make me feel calm and heal.😢Just because my SP suddenly ignored me for no reason. Thank you LORD,GOD I passed that grief feelings.😭🙏 At that time I can't explain the deep sadness, can't eat,can't sleep.Even I'm walking in the crowded places I cried like a child like nobody's with me. 😢
You’re not alone. I’ve been there, I exactly know how you feel my friend. I have learned Narcissistic Personality from TH-cam channels, Especially with coach Ryan. I can’t sleep, can’t eat. Counselors didn’t help, they prescribed depression Med. They told me to move on…worthless.
What dosn't kill us makes stronger & more resilient & wiser so we avoid people like that in the future.
Great, but how do you tell? Narc there's obvious traits, but this? How can you know, unless they've watched these videos and can tell you
Nope you can' t.
World is full of them.
They are narcs.
Covert ones.
They are evil masters in disguise.
Even as a secure one i fall in their trap.
Sure i can walk away.
But the backstabbing still hurts.
It seems like the pain of it is explained as “blaming yourself” and that if you can quit that reasoning, you’re healing will start. I’m wanting to challenge that. I don’t blame myself. I don’t think I did at the time. The pain was from the betrayal itself. From the get go it wasn’t “my fault”, but there was also NOTHING to hang this pain on. It’s betrayal in/of itself that is the source of pain. The blame, the why, the how could he, all that is the brain flailing for a way to normalize and minimize the shock. But betrayal trauma is 100% searing and life altering whether you blame or don’t blame yourself, whether you understand that your partner has a disorder or not. It’s the total betrayal. You tried. They didn’t. They walked somewhere with you and vanished and left you in that place bereft of a sense of wtf or direction. They smashed the compass and even that is inexplicable. Not blaming myself, or understanding his avoidant disorder, that doesn’t really help. It’s pure pain of betrayal. Or being led to the lions and left there.
Wow… you really described perfectly my experience. This person led me to their country and after i uprooted my life to be with them, he cheated on me and left me homeless in his country. It was insanely brutal and I feel I was 50% knowing it was pure betrayal yet 50% not being able to help but also blame myself and make excuses for him to minimize the shock like you say… it was horrible. I was so taken advantage by this person that even after he got me into legal troubles and tried to escalate it and make it worse for me on top of the cheating, leaving me homeless, and smearing campaign he started about me with his family and new coworkers, i still payed for his phone bill for an entire year after our separation while I couldnt even afford it just because I thought he’d still come back to me.. the very same phone he was using to continue and advance his new relationship he started right after kicking me to the curb. Brutal indeed.
Yeah betrayal is the right word. It is the shock. You felt safe to give your heart and you did, you feel betrayed. I feel I was led to rainbows and butterflies only to be stabbed in the back by someone I trusted. I now feel deceived and tricked. Like Ryan says, you now question your ability to discern reality in a relationship or to ever know if you can believe what someone is telling and showing you.
So well said!!!
Their defence mechanism really hurts .. i still consider and care for his feelings .. I dont understand this kind of behaviour towards someone you love
I believe they feel something like a kind of panic attack, it's a feeling of impending doom, like they'll cause the world to come to an end if they proceed, and all they can think of is getting out of what they're involved in, to prevent that.
Literally hospitalised with heart failure three weeks after the discard
Hope you are doing better, friend.
Hang in there, we are in this mess together and can help each other heal. Thank you Coach Ryan!
Sending love.
He said I was too good for him.
My experience with avoidants is that that low-key have low self-esteem, so he may in fact have been telling you the truth. My ex DA used to tell mutual friends that I'm going places in life and he's not. He felt inadequate. 😢
My ex DA said "I deserve much better than him", then spent the last month lying, cheating and stealing before I kicked him out
I don't blame myself because I actually watched some avoidant programs here on TH-cam, so I was prepared. But yeah, it's still a tough one.
I was too it still BLLOOWWSS
My Daughter of 42 is experiencing the most traumatic breakup ever from an avoidant. So many of us thought he was the perfect person for her. The discarding started after they spoke of getting married. It was on again off again almost every month and sometimes every 2 weeks. Even after being engaged it still happened and twice before they were to be married. They were going to counseling to work on the issues but he just recently cut off completely and said she was dead to him. My daughters heartbroken and still holding out hope he will choose to get healthy. How do we spot an avoidant, how can we help prevent this from ever happening again. We were blindsided completely.
They can heal but have got to be prepared to take that task on. Idk if there's a way to tell in advance, this is a really good question... with me (woman/part secure/part avoidant) I have to force myself to stay calm, not give in to irrational fears, but it's always right at the beginning of a new relationship (after a couple of dates) and proceed until I get secure attached, and then that fear goes away. This is after having recognized the problem (much like PTSD) and doing therapy. I have never ghosted someone or run away after commitment. With male DA's it's a little different because men are chasers.
Narcs there's a test, like a list of questions that reveal who they are. narcs do not change they get worse, from all the evidence we have available so far.
Sounds like a narcissist, not an avoidant. I still think that FA's and DA's are Baby Narcissists...
Hello! I am so sorry to hear about your Daughter’s pain. I pray that she heals fast and gets back to her feet and be happy again🙏
I matched with this guy on a dating app, the first few days, he was love bombing me, I was over the moon, too good to be true!…. Little did I know that those were dangerous signs! Now after 6 months here I am discarded by an avoidant! Excruciating pain! I remember the times that I had begged for him not to ignore me, ghost me and a lot more! An experience you don’t even wish for your worst enemy!! 😢
here’s my story. i dated this girl for a year and a half, and i was getting ready for us to get engaged. we are both Christians, and a shared value that we had was that we were going to wait for marriage on intimacy. as time went on, boundaries kind of expanded and we got complacent.
we were already having a hard time seeing eye to eye on what music i listen to, and she was questioning where we were in terms of convictions. this was during what was otherwise an extended honeymoon phase.
this is where i feel i got discarded- between the doubts on convictions and pushing of boundaries, i guess she had some significant questions about our relationship. she decided to tempt me sexually as a test, and got me to say that i would sleep with her because we were already planning on getting married. she then told me that it was a test, and that i had failed. she said that i had lied to her, i wasn’t the leader she thought i was, thought we were going to end up together, and became extremely cold to me at any point that i communicated with her. he words hurt me so bad, to the point where i couldn’t even eat or sleep for nearly a week.
Don't beat yourself up bro and blame yourself (if you are) for failing the leadership and temptation tests. If you would have remained perfect to your convictions, the same thing would have happened because that is who they are. We decided to live according to our Christian convictions and she still discarded me virtually overnight for vague reasons.
Yes..they will makeup anything to end it...not your making.. sadly u have to move on
Sound manipulative of her to do that
@@Acoffeewithlotta it absolutely shattered me for a while. i understand that i made some mistakes along the way, but her testing me was so random, and she turned so cold so fast that i wonder if she was already wanting out of the relationship. either way, she detached from me immediately and it hurt like nothing else
Sorry to hear this. God loves you.
Going through it now. It’s been 3 weeks. She was totally numb and emotionless. I don’t get it.
Same with my FA. Been 3 weeks for me too.
After 1.5 years I am good now..give it time.. hopefully..much sooner for you..the healing..but give it time
Just came out of a 5 yr with one. 3.5 yrs in it was like the mask got dropped one day. Then slowly bit by bit backing off until one day, gone like a fart in the wind. No discuss, no closure just cold and complete cutoff. Im soldiering on and doing no contact but damn it hurts inside
Yep, I've been seeing the mask drop. Nothing there / empty shell / no animation. I asked him to let me know if BF/GF was off, but he hasn't responded. Avoidance or confusion? I'm ready to leave - just wanted him to make the call.
Fake person is most likely to have been a narc. Narcs wear masks. With those there's a kind of test, some questions you can ask at the beginning, so you can tell and not get involved with them. DA Idk, trying to find out if there's any kind of test like that.
shitting n crying m trembling rn fr
spell check... sorry, you made me laugh.
On a real note, I hope you get through this and can heal with time 🩷.... me too. It's absolutely horrible. It's been over 6 weeks for me since I've seen him, and I'm still devastated. Completely shattered. I thought I would spend my life with him, now I have to somehow heal and start over. Doesn't make sense. 💔
Yep I can whole hearted agree with this. Confidence shattered. Feeling ugly and unworthy. Eating disorder came back 😢
The timing of this video is impeccable. I needed this TODAY.
I have never heard what happened to me in such an informative way.
You are the real deal.
Thank you for giving me clarity.
Yes broke up after going out of town and I thought we had a fabulous time.
We got back together 10 days later. I reached out. Stayed together for two months and wham out of nowhere he broke up with me the day before N Years Eve. I had been planning New Years Eve and Day. He knew that. I think Holidays triggered him and going out of town.
Thank you for explaining his behavior to me.
Never said I was the nicest to him but I was very loving and kind to him. And he to me until the devaluation and discard.
Exactly , every holiday turned into hell. I had booked a vacation and he canceled.
mine dumped me day before our Valentines celebration. I am very bitter/angry. what a piece shit
As someone who has withdrawn from both a fearful avoidant ex and heroin i can say he is not lying. 😢
I learn from each of your videos Ryan and somehow they bring me the peace of mind I need. Thank you.
That being said, your point that there are other people like us out there and that now we’ll have the mental and emotional real estate to meet those people just melted my heart and was so consoling. Thank you!
Dumped me in the street several times from the car in dangerous places, and at night had to walk 20kms a lot of the time.
Looks more like a narc than an avoidant, that would do things like that.
This couldn't have come at a better time.
I'm telling myself to move on but... shit be sticky
Thank you, for this. I went through it for two years. He discarded me so many times, stood me up, and so much more. I lost my sister and niece and he said nothing, never asked how I was. No hapoy birthday , nothing. The last couple of times he stood me up and pulled that crap, I ended up leaving him. He won’t stop coming back and messing with my head. I’ve tried to move on, but he won’t allow it, he has me so stressed out and my nervous system all messed up that I can’t even sleep or eat and haven’t slept in days. Ladies and gents, please stay away from these types of people, they are the most broken people. What happens when you try to save someone that’s drowning? It took me years to be where I was, and he came into my life and broke me and left and did it over and over and over every time I built myself back up.
Something with the holidays, esp. birthdays....Read comments above....two of my birthdays matter of fact..wtf
Yes. Worst experience of my entire life. I was in gut wrenching pain. 😢 after 11 years it was so sudden and out of the blue. I wouldn't wish this pain upon anyone.
Its been a month since she discarded me. I am almost healed. Definitely traumatic and came out of nowhere.
That last sexual experience corded me to her and her potential lovers. My self esteem was crushed. I almost gave up on women.
This is not what happened to me. Actually he did a really huge disrespect and betrayal one day, it was malicious, calculated, and left me no choice but to cut off all contact with him. Some of these people don't break it off, they push you to the point where you have to break it off. I raged at him and told him off several times, told him I was done, before I cut him off actually. I told him I deserve better than how he was treating me. He didn't seem to like that lol. My last desperate attempt to see if there was a real person underneath. But no reaction, not a word. Then came his ultimate disrespect and betrayal, total assault on my non-negotiable boundaries. Unbelievable. Left me absolutely no choice. It's like a test, am I going to tolerate emotional abuse or get rid of the source? Of course I chose the latter. I had a painful childhood, but I will treasure forever above all my wonderful father, who gave me total love always. A woman's first love is her father and she seeks a mate like her father. Fortunately for me, I don't have daddy issues and I will not be with a partner who mistreats me. And another bonus I have, I can spot the red flags a mile away. As well as the green flags. The funny thing is that I always thought everyone had it all together, they all seemed to. And I've always been a mess of nerves, sensitivity, uncertainty, seeking truth, decency, etc. And now I'm finding I'm so much less screwed up than most people. Surprise lol! Appreciating your thankfully short and very insightful videos. ❤❤
But it was very painful. I'm still processing the pain. But I'm over the worst of it.
same happened to me... He told me "well, you hung in there a very long time"...then poof! Discarded. No emotions, no discussion, just blocked. Found someone else I am sure. They do not seem to be insecure to me. they just get on the internet and find another victim to suck dry. Just like narcissists
Thank you - so many 'counselors' on youtube are in the biz of making money by showing consumers of their content how to 'work with' someone who has traumatized them because they are dealing with an avoidant. They are at worse scam artists or at best severely misguided and trying to rationalize to themselves their own existence and probably think they are helping when all they are doing is contributing to people not healing from their emotional traumas inflicted upon them
true, it never made sense to me to pass so much empathy to avoidants instead of calling them out. If i figure someone is an F/D avoidant, i run for the hills irrespective.
I have no sympathy for those cover narcissist. The only good thing is mostly they come to trigger your abadonment issue. Heal it, and run far away, never look back. They will do the same thing with everyone.
That's very comforting to hear!
It is much more traumatic than being discarded by narcissist
This avoidant video sounds too much like a narcissist…
I’ve been discarded by both…my first real relationship was an avoidant and it was very painful but I could understand where his craziness was coming from…I knew he had tons of trauma and abandonment issues. I could make sense as to why he did the things he did…I saw the small red flags that a discard was coming but I ignored them and felt extremely secure in all he had told me…on the other hand the discard from my narcissistic ex was excruciatingly painful to say the least….i was left completely distraught and seeking for answers upon answers on what I had just gone through…never known a pain like this!
Exactly the same for me...😢. Everything seemed to be fine, I was deeply in love with her, she told me nobody had done what I've made for her (just caring), and she was happy to get me in her life. Three days before the breakup, she was talking about a great future together, and suddenly, " it's better to end the relationship, I can't blame you for anything, but maybe I was not ready for a new relationship..." I've heard that the day after she was in restaurant with friends...and she was feeling ok, she had already moved on. I know she hasn't met anybody, just want to be on her own. Really hard...never heard of avoidant attachment before this happen.
For a few months now, I've seen a lot of podcasts from many coaches, and now I understand that the problem does not come from me, does not make it hurtless.
@@FreddyFredo-ne9to Exactly, I was just thinking that yesterday... Knowing where their trauma stems from is good information, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I'm completely devastated and I feel so lost. 😥 My heart literally aches from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep at night.
@@jd6331 I don't know if I will ever find where does it come from, as we are in no contact, and even if I find out the reason, I can't cure that. Must come from herself, but she doesn't analyze anything wrong with her.
@@jd6331 pain is still here, almost 4 months since the breakup, I have worked hard to change my mindset, every day is different from the previous one, I know I won't forget her, even if she maybe forget me, but I forgive her, as it's a triggered reaction from and unhealed trauma. Hard to let go, but I think I've done my best to save the relationship. I still think she was worth it, never felt this way before. Beautiful, clever, funny, with an amazing past, she made me feel alive, I just wanted the best for both of us. But I just can't choose for her. She's made up her mind, and I only can accept it, even if I disagree with her decision. Have wished her the best, cause I love her.
My Daughter of 42 is experiencing the most traumatic breakup ever from an avoidant. So many of us thought he was the perfect person for her. The discarding started after they spoke of getting married. It was on again off again almost every month and sometimes every 2 weeks. Even after being engaged it still happened and twice before they were to be married. They were going to counseling to work on the issues but he just recently cut off completely and said she was dead to him. My daughters heartbroken and still holding out hope he will choose to get healthy. How do we spot an avoidant, how can we help prevent this from e happening again. We were blindsided completely.
Ryan. "Thank You" I believe the universe brought you to me. In this time of Darkness. Devastation. Despair. Depression. 💔 Not only did I lose my best friend but I lost what I felt was the love of my life. 15 year friendship/2years in the romantic realm. He monkey branched me & then acted as if I never existed in his life. Literally. No communication no nothing. Before. During. After. If I had been anymore gaslit I would be permanently on fire. This is bone crushing painful. Its taken this strong warrior princess to her knees. If the relationship was soooo great then why do I feel like I am now in hell? Maybe its the truth of the real reality of what the relationship really was. Not what I thought I had. I never could betray someone I loved like that. I gave him all of me. I loved him with my whole heart. Unconditionally. Irrevocablly. I still can not wrap my head around this. I cant even register it. I do not do social media of any kind. Its not how I roll. Im not a youtube troller. I am grateful for you & your compassion, insight & all of your help for understanding & healing in what happened to me. I will never have the answers to all of the burning questions in my mind as to when. Where. How. Why. He did this. I am about TRUTH & I could of handled that dead on. But not THIS. At the end of the day he did not chose ME. He chose HER. Whomever she may be. I clearly wasnt enough. Will I ever be? He has shown me just how important I was to him & in his life. 😢 The disrespect towards me is brutal. Harsh. Because he gave me no explanation. No communication during the relationship whatsoever. I was not given any opportunity to fix anything. Do anything. No closure existed. Zero. I was just thrown away like I was nothing & honestly I will never be the same
after this. The one person who I fully trusted with me & my heart completely violated & betrayed me. He is not the person I believed that he was all of those years. Not even close. There are so many things that I want to say to him to unleash this pain & all I feel. My words would only fall on deaf ears & never be acknowledged or heard. He has a shiny new toy now. It would not matter. She can have him. She can have his shit show & every act in it. If he were standing right in front of me right now the ONLY thing I would have to say to him in that moment would be "Fuck You". Because of all the years of kindness love & supporting him in all things & he had the audacity to treat me wrong me & mistreat me in all of the ways he did. I know all of the good things that I did mattered even though ultimately I do not & I am choking on it. For anyone out there going through this my heart is with you. I am here if you need someone. Always remember WHO YOU ARE. We have to find a way to LET THEM GO. I still dont know how. I did not deserve this. You did not deserve this. I am at a complete loss in exactly how to process this. It went down a month ago & I cant even feel myself breathing. Where did the lies end & where did he begin? 🥺
I feel every word of this. I've just been discarded and it was humiliating. I found your videos only after it happened, so I didn't know what to do. I tried and tried to reach out and ask what exactly I did wrong. The person blocked me on Facebook. I've not been blocked on other platforms, but I'm going to steer clear. It hurts too much and after watching your videos, I know what to do.
she destroyed me after catching her cheating with her ex. She definitely blindsided me. did not saw me or call me to breakup only text and made some vague excuses to deal with her family issues. We dated over a year and out of blue she pulled the rug underneath me. God sees what she did to me and other men before me.
Your videos are the best, i’ve learned alot❤
Snoop Dogg's catchphrase "We don't luv dem hoes" hits differently when dealing with being discarded by an fearful/dismissive avoidant... I'm going through this now.
Dear Ryan, I can’t tell you how much this video meant to me - thank you! 💕It was so important for me to hear, to validate my experiences, and remind me of how I need to move forward. This video was just what I needed to hear from several angles of this situation. It spoke to me on a very deep and healing level. Once again, thank you.
My sister just passed and he just ran into another woman’s arms he met out in a bar. Didn’t look back. Just left! No contact 2 weeks He texted happy Easter from her home. I’m in a sad grieving situation. Double whammy! Very traumatic. I just realized I’m co dependent and I need help.
I hope you're doing well stranger
You did nothing wrong, focus on getting on your feet, and don't waste too much time seeking answers, once you start getting better, answers will come your way, I promise
Everyone is battling something others don't understand. If someone walks away without warning it's not about you. Be kind, move forward.
Not when you are denied even a tiny bit of empathy or explanation. The only comfort is knowing they are their own worst enemy
It is like opiate withdrawal. Despite how shitty you felt your brain locks on to those euphoric recalls
Thanks a lot.I needed it
I just realized this happened to me. I literally blacked a lot of it out where I was able to watch this and say I was glad I hadn't experienced until my mouth dropped & eyes stared blankly recalling what happened years ago. Never heard from them.
The same day he told me he was invested in the relationship, then he breaks up with me after I caught them in a lie. He was sitting on it for a while and I was blindsided. Day 3 of no contact and it does get easier.
True and truer ever more. Thank you for your content.
This was just 100%, thank you so much
I have been blown over and ghosted by every man I think it's selfishness on there part no closure almost kills you litterally
I am the fish out of water. It will probably remain this way.
I got all the way to the physical withdrawal, at some points my whole body was just shaking 9 months and still going thru it all tho way better then a few months back, developed Ptsd, Ptrs, broken heart syndrome, depression and anxiety. It's hard but I respected her decision and let her be I'm focused on healing on my own and being their for our kids, she monkey branched to someone else , we are 37 Years old and she left me for a 22 year old, she got pregnant and moved in with him and she thru away 11 years like nothing.😢
I concur , still hurting 3 months on
It just makes me a bit sad and angry ..
Sad because she must be tired of running
Angry because past abusive relationships contributed to her avoidance
Ant we just call it was it is. Narcissism .
SPOT ON!!!
Really very good content.
Thank you sooo much 🙂 🙂 🙂
Outstanding video
Oh yeah, most definitely
Hi Coach Ryan! Love your videos and they helped me heal a lot. Thank you! Can you talk about whether the avoidant who discarded their partner can move on without feeling the remorse from what they did? Do they ever reflect on their problematic behaviors?
If you've ever experienced a panic attack, it's something like this feeling that makes them leave; overwhelming sense of approaching doom. It's how I understand it. They feel terrible afterwards but hide their tears. It can take longer to impact them than immediately afterwards, depends on the person. But, have boundaries in place because they can come back and do the same thing again... They can heal this but need awareness of what it is and to decide to fix it.
Thank you extremely informative 🩷
Love your video. My brain is struggling to hear you with the music in the back.
Wait til its your own child!! Talk about traumatic!! Her and her father are both avoidants.
I'm sitting in my car crying
Or a newly wed
Ok so how do Avoidants heal?
Is it a discard if they answer your text but never initiate contact?
Going through this now
❤❤❤
what is the point of you saying this? we all know all of this...
When we are in pain we want to cease the pain...
we want to know WHAT TO DO to not be discarded by an avoidant.
Step 1: understanding that you shouldnt want to NOT be discarded by an avoidant who already discarded you or is in the process of doing that.
Step 2: understand that an avoidant willing to discard you is not worth your time, love, attention, desire…
I 10000000% understand your pain right now. But it does get better. Believe it or not, you get over them fully, understand who they truly are and you will want nothing to do with them once you see them for who they really are.
I know. If i was told this at that time, I wouldve probably dismissed this hardcorely but trust me…. If this person is willing to be this way towards another human being… no matter how much you might feel for them and all the trauma that has led them to be how they are right now…. This person is not OKAY. You probably have gone through your fair share of trauma as well and you probably wouldnt treat anybody how they have or are treating you right now, because if you would, then it wouldnt hurt so much to be treated this way… but you wouldn’t and thats part of the reason why it hurts so much.
So do yourself a favor and seek Jesus. Trust me. It may not make sense now, but it will at some point. Jesus is the only way to fully and truly break free from the claws of other humans and find your highest self-empowerment in your identity as a child of the Most High God. I promise if you seek Him, you wont regret it one bit. God bless.
Try healing your own attachment style. Thais Gibson does a Personal Development School that is has great tools to help you get secure. Once secure, any unhealed person whether it's anxious, avoidant or both will not seem as attractive to you. You have to have boundaries and non-negotiables in place and only stay in situations where your needs are getting met and not staying based on potential. Anxious/Avoidant signs are pretty easy to spot once your healed.
So what happens to the avoidant when you go 100% no contact? Does the impact of their discard hit them like a ton of bricks or they just move on like nothing happened?
It hits them like a (delayed) ton of bricks, yes. They feel the same pain but deal with it totally differently than an anxious person would. On the other hand, a person without any empathy is a narc or other clinical disorder.
They move on as if nothing happened and already found someone else
👍👍🙏🙏♥♥
Why are you whispering
Can not hear none of your videos. Volume too low
Hey you need to lose the fish background. Like change it up or something. It's kind of distracting lol
Do you not like fish?
Why would you tell people that this is 100% on the avoidant and to never look into themselves? Avoidants get triggered when they don't feel safe and supported by their partner or if their partner communicates in a harsh or accusing way rather than having a healthy discussion. If you're talking about a situation where the avoidant is with a secure partner, I understand. But so many who think they're secure actually lean anxious therefore they're equally as unhealthy as an avoidant and need to take accountability and work on themselves too. Telling people they are completely in the clear and it's all the avoidants fault is enabling potentially toxic behaviors on their own end. Both sides need a lot of work. 🤦♀️
You’re not wrong that the anxious partner also has issues and needs to work on themselves.
But the anxious partner would never discard the avoidant like they are garbage the way the avoidant does to the anxious. Avoidants are the worse ones in the relationship. They are cold and cruel.
Additionally anxious are usually willing to work through issues. Avoidants are not.
One is arguably worse than the other. It’s just facts.
@@bbrittanyy1 I've had good experiences with avoidants and awful experiences with anxious attachments so I disagree. If you're "discarded" you're likely dealing with a narcissist. If someone who leans avoidant doesn't want to work things out with you, it might be because they just don't think you're a good match for them so why bother putting in the effort. People date and change their mind all of the time and that's their right. It's up to us to keep it together and not emotionally explode or put expectations on people who just don't want them. I've had my feelings hurt by an avoidant, but I've never felt the need to get away from them like I have with an anxious man. Ironically enough, any anxious person I've asked said they don't want someone anxiously attached to them either as it feels too smothering. My response is now you know how avoidants feel about you. 🤷♀️ Date people you're compatible with, not those you get quickly attached to.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes with all due respect, you’re being quite dismissive of the pain that people feel when discarded by an avoidant and you’re speaking as if you know everything. Every situation is different. Do you know what attachment style you are? Genuinely curious.
My avoidant discarded me after 5 years of a beautiful relationship together. We own a home together, and have been living in it for the passed 3 years. We own 3 cats together. We work together. We were talking about marriage and kids. He allowed me to take a $20,000 pay cut at my job so we could transition into me quitting work all together and become “trad” and having his children. Within 2 weeks of making major life decisions he discarded me, he blindsided me with a breakup out of nowhere, let out a laundry list of complaints that I had never heard before (all of which were trivial and could be fixed), and ran away to his parents house and has stonewalled all further communication since.
He actively withheld communication from me. He actively hid his feelings from me. And not only did he do this, but he actively put on a facade that everything was fine and that we was perfectly happy with me. He was continuing to make long term future plans with me. When I did suspect that things were off and I would question him about it, he would lie to me and tell me everything is fine. I genuinely had no idea that he felt unhappy. I genuinely had no idea that there were any problems in the relationship. He led me to believe that everything was fine.
The way he left the relationship was entirely cruel, cowardly, and selfish. Anyone who can do something like this is absolutely objectively worse than someone who is “clingy” and “smothering”.
So you find all these videos that demonize the avoidant because the avoidant is the one who is out there destroying the lives of others and causing life changing emotional damage to their partners with their own selfishness. Anxious people don’t do this, they just don’t.
I am not trying to argue that the anxious doesn’t have anything to work on, that they don’t also make mistakes, or that they should just accept themselves. I’m simply saying the reason you’ll find videos blaming the the avoidant is because the avoidant is the one out there breaking hearts.
What anxious man completely devastated your entire world by abruptly leaving a longterm relationship? Oh yeah, none.
@@bbrittanyy1 I understand how you are perceiving my views, but you are dismissive of my experience with avoidants because of your own personal experience with one and pigeonholing a whole attachment style. I have really good friends that are dismissive avoidants and they don't act this way. I've also dated them.
I've been a fearful avoidant (anxious and avoidant) for most of my life, but now test secure after many months doing deep work on my attachment style with personal development courses after I was heartbroken over someone more avoidant than myself. It sucked. But once I healed more I stopped blaming and started taking accountability for myself and who I was allowing into my life.
Let me be clear, it sounds like you were blindsided and had an awful experience with this man. I hate this for you and I don't even know you.
As for my experience with an anxious attachment, it was awful. Controlling, bossy, insecure men who wanted to keep me trapped. You say "clingy" as if it's insignificant, but try having a man monitor your clothes or sending a friend out to watch you or want to look through your phone. It doesn't even have to be that extreme. An anxious partner who buys you things and is super nice, but will not leave you alone. Gives you zero space and calls or texts excessively. Future planning early on.
I wasn't there in your situation. I don't know how he felt. Maybe the reality of it all was too much or maybe he is just a dick. I don't know. But what I do know is there are well intentioned anxious men besides my experience as well as well intentioned avoidant men despite your experience.
Use a mic , ur voice is too low
Thank you so much for this video! Your explanation about the withdrawal from brain chemicals and the subconscious thinking that the avoidant is the only fix really helped! Also I'm reading the comments here & realizing that I'm not alone in the extreme pain I've being feeling from being ghosted / discarded. You've been a huge part of my healing - thank you so much for all you're doing for people! 🙏🩵
Um, I tell people to move on from an asshole cuz I was discarded by an asshole multiple times 😂😂😂
He's talking about a specific detrimental & abusive personality type, not your typical breakup from the mostly as$hole men that exist out there anymore. Although his description fits narcissists & other types too. His advice is valuable to people who take on the blame, struggle to understand how someone could act so immaturely. His advice is for us not the jerks😊