ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 มี.ค. 2024
- ___________________________
▸ Book a Session | www.kenreidcounselling.com.au...
▸ Tiktok | / kenreid.co
▸ Facebook | / kenreidcounselling
▸ Instagram | / kenreid.co
▸ About Me | / kenreidco
▸ Website | www.kenreidcounselling.com.au/
___________________________
Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored video. All opinions expressed are wholly my own.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 69 | คู่เอก "กุหลาบดำ vs นาบิล"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/PNM6U8e_HMo/mqdefault.jpg)
It never works with Avoidants. Let them run away. Choose those who choose you!
It seems to me that even when they choose you, they are so distant that it's as if you don't have the answer. You never know the clear answer, unless they have been looking in the psychotherapy mirror for a considerable amount of time.
@@sushisam3010 Their fears are bigger than their wants.
@@rupertperiwinkle4477 That's what I said to my ex girlfriend. It's really tragic, that your biggest fear is also what you desires the most, intimacy.
@@Bladblazers Tough sh** for them. I don't care what avoidants go through. They are the worst
@@Bladblazersa vampire that desires the sun
Personally i think its all about the high, the drama and the distraction.
They are addicts. They dont want to work on themselves.
Avoidance.
YEP! Avoidants avoid. They avoid anything that doesn't "feel good". I think they're chasing a good feeling. And once any conflict or emotions comes up for them, that they cant name nor process, they shut down and/or run away. Oh and they use alot of distractions - as avoidance. TV, food, social media addicts, constant travelling (cant sit still), using people for casual sex.
YES!!!!
@@rupertperiwinkle4477 fact
Addicted to victemhood.
@@Ytdeletesallmycomments Who avoidants? Yes
First of all Ken, thank you so much for this, this is so incredibly accurate. Avoidants are emotionally unavailable people, and they feel attracted to emotionally and/or physically unavailable people (long distance relationships). The moment they realize their partner is actually available, they run away. This happens because the availability of their partner exposes them to real commitment and intimacy, forces them to look inside, and therefore realize that they have a problem, and if there is something that the avoidant cannot stand, it is feeling like a problem or insufficient (usually childhood traumas).
This is why they are addicted to chaos and inconsistency, it makes them feel "sparks" while consistency and commitment forces them to look at themselves, and makes them feel "caged", it forces them to analyze themselves and their conclusion will always be that they are not enough, that they will not be able to meet your expectations and that they are not really in love. It has nothing to do with you. The better you love them, the healthier you are, the more consistent… the more they want to run away. Self destructive behavior at its best, and obviously very destructive and traumatic for their partner too. Sending love to anyone going through this, i know it is devastating and takes a reeeally long time to heal.
Yes. The thing I don't understand about myself is, Why do I love this guy more than anyone I've ever loved? My own need for chaos, for limited imtimacy, etc? It's a complicated mess.
Perfect
@@northofyou33 I think it's the same for many of us, and although it could be for many reasons, one of them is that emotionally unavailable people usually apply something called in psychology intermittent reinforcement (they are available only occasionally) this type of reinforcement is deeply addictive , works in the reward center of our brain like a hard drug, so that when they withdraw their affection, the suffering is enormous, while when they pay attention to you you feel in the clouds, generating an incredible feeling of well-being. For this reason, overcoming this type of breakup can often be similar to rehabilitation, I know it is very hard, I am also in the process, but little by little we will get out of this ❤️
@@northofyou33 I think it's the same for many of us, and although it could be for many reasons, one of them is that emotionally unavailable people usually apply something called in psychology intermittent reinforcement (they are available only occasionally) this type of reinforcement is deeply addictive , works in the reward center of our brain like a hard drug, so that when they withdraw their affection, the suffering is enormous, while when they pay attention to you you feel in the clouds, generating an incredible feeling of well-being. For this reason, overcoming this type of breakup can often be similar to rehabilitation, I know it is very hard, I am also in the process, but little by little we will get out of this ❤️
@@northofyou33 maybe it’s not love, rather an attachment to something that feels familiar to your nervous system. Mommy and daddy were inconsistent with their love. So we try too hard to get that unmet need met through romantic partners.
I was madly in love with a DA, but left the relationship once I discovered my dog actually loved me more.
Hahaha
LOL! In my case he loves his dogs MORE than a human. Instead of Really loving your dogs AND a human!
I realized I was closer to the mail man.
@@mrsherwood2599 hahaha brilliant.
I’ve been thinking about getting a dog.
Cycle: you start to feel they are pulling away, you ask about it, or ask any question, and they ghost you. Even though they pursued you like crazy.
Not worth dealing with.
They ask you what your problem is when you finally snap after weeks of their passive aggressive behavior and evasiveness so you tell them and they ghost you. That’s a fun one too. Rinse repeat ugh.
Why then they pursued like crazy? What’s the point? Get closer, to get farther away after. That’s why it’s so painful for a partner to be in such relationship. To withdraw from it takes huge amount of energy and effort. However there is no stability, I’m still seeking his attention and shallow communication…
It’s so chaotic and bewildering. But the discard was the WORST. . . 😢😢
I feel you. It will get better, focus on yourself.
@@LorenaBerrenbaumthanks ❤
My ex was still communicating with her exes.
When we broke up she asked if we could still be friends. I said absolutely not.
ooh yes, same here. At one night she was talking to me over the phone for 2 hours, telling me about 3 exes!!
Now you know they keep their exes close as a backup plan.
Mine wanted to do the same. She wanted to keep having sex after we broke up. I said "fuck no".
They all have an harem.
My ex who just dumped me last week had the same deal. Except he was fiercely attached to one ex and months ago even said he thought it would be the issue that would make or break us. He was right, it broke us. He didn’t care how much it bothered me but wanted us to stay friends. I said no. He was sadder about losing me as a friend than as a partner. Incredible.
I'm sobbing. My guy broke it off with me twice. The first time he said it was "a feeling", and I asked why he didn't bring it up earlier so we could talk about it. He said, "And do what? Take things slower? I'm just trying to avoid worse heartache down the line." The second time, which feels more final, he actually had "reasons", which were so surface-level it was almost insulting. I am willing to be patient and work on my own expectations. It hurts he couldn't even try.
It’s not your fault.
So sorry. SO painful for someone who seemed head-over-heels about you and made you feel so confident in a relationship with them to suddenly TURN on you. 🙏💔
I’m going through a devastating break up after a second round. I tried to love him, be his champion. The more I loved him the more he pulled away.
Yes! It’s painful and we do take it personally because THEY MADE it all out to be SO Personal
this is the most underrated viedo ever. No flashy designs no cuts no bold titles, just a plain spontaneous live. Bro we need more like this.
Agree. He's very down to earth and authentic.
This is so validating. He committed for 11 years to an objectively much less attractive and healthy woman with whom he had what he described as a toxic and abusive relationship. She was jealous and possessive and had anger management issues. He told me she was the love of his life and that he doesn’t think he’ll ever have anything like that again. As I was lying in his bed with him after a long night of passion and connection and talking and laughing. He broke up with me when I asked for a commitment saying I’m the most beautiful, special person, that he couldn’t be more sexually attracted to me, that he loves and cares for me, that I take such good care of him, that he loves being with me and values our 15 year friendship so much …. but that he doesn’t feel what he’d need to feel to commit. He said he wishes he did but it’s just not there for him. He said that something is missing. The thing that’s missing is drama and chaos. I’ve done 15+ years of deep healing and therapy and I’m in a place of self love overflowing with love for others. That’s a nope for him. It’s textbook.
Wow, sorry. That guy has issues. I hope you do okay.
@@TrustintheLord860 Thank you, that's very kind of you. He does, and I really do have empathy for him. I'm doing well. I feel sad but no one can change him but him and I know it's pointless to wait around, so I'm just moving forward and focusing on me and my passions and friends and trusting that eventually I will find a partner who is sexy but who can also meet me where I am. And I do genuinely pray for him to be inspired to do the work to heal.
Terrible. That guy is a total user CREEP.
He was using you cos you're available and convenient. Don't let him have all the benefits until he commits
@@tribeofjudah631 Yep. We'd been friends for 15 years or I'd never have gone there. I don't typically sleep with anyone outside of a commitment but we dated after we both got out of very long term relationships since we'd always had an attraction towards each other. I trusted him because of our history but now I'm just doing me and I will not ever again sleep with someone unless we've been dating exclusively for a while and intentions are clear.
The best on avoidant behavior, Ken! Thank you for the insight.
Me:Straight Male w/DA woman for 2 1/2 years together and for the longest time I couldn't understand wtf. Sex stopped after a year and nitpicking started. More and more distance even though the relationship was good. She said I didn't like to do walks and she did, even though I never showed any dislike. Come to find out her mother was overly enmeshed during her childhood and her escapism was to sit in her room alone. I was secure and became anxious in the end. She ended up saying she couldn't meet my needs and lost feelings, yet said she loved me and cared for me deeply. Crazy making mind fuckery
Been living this UTTER HELL myself for 20mths. Destroying me
@@RowenglenKennelsWalk away. Love yourself and don't settle for anything less than a healthy rekationship.You deserve better. Love isn't supposed to hurt.
Wishing you the best. 🙏🙏
The "nitpicking" (over RIDICULOUS things!) started after just a few dates with mine!!! I can't handle that because I'm a peacemaker type of person.
SAME!
She broke up 3 months ago, we were NC for 3 weeks but then came back and started messaging me on my birthday. She now calls, talks, and we've hung out, and the lines between friendship/relationship (as Ken said) have been very blurry. It's infuriating to see her happier and more present now as my "friend" than in the last year of our relationship. Not sure if this means we can work things out, or if I should run away.
@@cafesparrow28 Yeah, I'd be kinda wary of that, take care.
Already died once mentally because of an avoidant… there’s nothing that can shock me ever again ✌🏼 thankful for that
My DA is definitely autistic, which amplifies all this stuff, and keeps me going back as I often excuse his behavior because he's autistic.
I've dated autistic people, they were not like this.
Same
I’m autistic and can be avoidant when sensory overload but not dismissive .
I dated autistic avoidant and I have autistic brother. It really helped me to notice the difference of my brother really trying to understand and the ex using his autism when it suited him to detach.
Mine didn't discard she just slow faded to the point of never seeing each other but for more than an hour maybe twice a month and complete fade out of communication. Threw in a brief thaw of a couple weeks and spent a night with me. Then fade out again. I called shenanigans and walked. It hurts yes but it hurts worse letting someone walk all over you. Remember that the person you fell in love with is not this walking dumpster fire. And unfortunately the dumpster fire is the real them.
This comment just saved my life I think so validating thank you yes ❤
I’ve been hosting an Attachment Style support group for 9 months. Studying attachment theory for over a year. Kens content is so good. He breaks it down, makes very complex biological and psychological inner worlds of avoidants understandable. I also really appreciate his dedication to not villainize any style. Through my work with avoidant attachers I have developed a deep compassion. Their treatment of others is often experienced as cruel and disorienting, but nothing compares to living with themselves every single day. Thank you for your content about attachment. It’s important work.
Wish I knew abt this channel a few months ago. Would have saved myself so much pain.
Like he said, it was mist likely set in stone. I learned about this before the breakup, but the shutting down just becomes absolute abuse and a trauma bond
I keep having flashbacks of our time together. Trying to piece together the bizarre behavior and running into people who knew them years ago. Their “old friend” brushed them off so rudely in front of me, that all makes sense now. Thanks for this content.
Exact words. She told me. 'i dont feel good emotionally when we are close" i prefer us being in distance and im looking forward with my plans for future. I feel scared and i dont know why. Im in love with you and i feel like this isnt going to work
I finally told my DA that you were afraid of commitment. Of course she denied everything, I was the problem for every single thing wrong in the relationship. She never apologized for something she did that she knew hurt me, I was always apologizing for HER behavior. Avoid the avoidant.
Some people are too weak to apologize because their pride is ALL they have / are
The 'casual sex' thing is not always true. They may go the complete opposite and only have a few sexual partners and only in relationships. Holding off for a long time before having sex, despite having a high sex drive. Once they then go for it, and you, then it will likely be more sex than you can keep up with and some of the best you've had. (More trauma 😂)
Truth!! I can’t imagine having that type of sex with anyone ever again. 💔
so true! I had the best sex and best connection ever with this person. I don't think i will find anything similar. Its just so sad that they actually push genuine love away and a long term healthy relationship with them is never going to be possible. Its just so heartbreaking...
@@karltan9461 it is… I keep going back to the bargaining stage of how it could work, but I know it wouldn’t 💔
I was in a relationship with someone for almost two years, at the time I wasn't aware she was avoidant but the signs were there. She would say things such as "I don't think I can be or live with anyone, I need a lot of alone time" "I'm afraid to get married with you because what if I abandon you like my mom did my dad, what if you resent me". Everything was fine then out of nowhere "I'm so confused about everything, im in my head and unsure about life, our relationship etc.". Asks for two weeks of space (which I gave her) then breaks up with me OVER THE PHONE saying "we are not compatible"..its been 8 months and havent heard a peep from here she just disappeared..
She was afraid so sorry ❤
You are so helpful. I can tell this must be your passion. My avoided traumatize me for the second time. My whole life is in world right now and you’re the closest to a therapist that I have. I’m looking for private therapy, but it seems everybody’s full.
Just happended to me too. Hang in there & run the other way, as fast as you can.
@@carolinaberta535 thank you 🙏🏾
One day at a time is the way I go. If a whole day is too much, I go from 12 hrs to the other 12. And repeat. Heartbreaking but doable. Reach here if you need to 🙋🏻♀️.
Yes
Mine said it was his depression he was broke and weren’t ready for a relationship again but rebounded with someone else within 2 weeks of braking up
The ultimate weird theory:
Avoidants ARE needy!
Yes, some of them can be especially if they have traits of narcisism.
I am so impressed with your content and your delivery.
Thank you!
You are the best I’ve come across.
I really love how you talk about the grieving I experienced after I was blindsided by a Severe D A
I didn’t understand.
I have been in therapy for 30 years and I have been diagnosed with PTSD.
After he tried to break up with me 3 times. I was ready to give up. And decided I dodged a bullet.
I believe he damaged me to the point all my progress in my mental health is going backwards and yes I want to get my progress back.
I feel so damaged and my self esteem has taken a toll.
Yes he told me he thought my body wasn’t what he admires.
No man has ever said anything negative about my body.
And I am at a point where I feel pretty good about my body. I wear size 6,8,10 American size. Depending on different designers.
Please don't take it to heart. He was likely just rationalizing, and badly. Even if he wasn't, just because he might prefer something else doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or your body. But it does sound like rationalizing. It has nothing to do with you, you were an Innocent bystander. Hope you feel better soon
If you can understand it's not about you...I'm still trying to do this. Mine told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore even tough our s** life was off the charts at some point. I don't know how this happens but ... so...it's not about you. you re perfect the way you are
OMFG, I feel like u were taking to me!!! The best avoidant video ive seen yet!! Spot on!!! He seemed so confident yet selfish....Im an A/P & would react as it was so painful & he would run back to an ex/others for validation!! He said so many of the things that u mentioned.... 😢Cutting/traumatising!!
Ghosted/discarded!!
But could be the most beautiful man!!
I've had to block him after to much. ......he wasn't overly into intimacy.....we are in our bloody late 50s......I couldn't understand how he could wear a mask for so many years.....it must be exhausting for him.....cause it was for me .....I couldn't trust him cause he was so secretive....wether he meant it or not!!
He hated that I could see through him...
Excruciating!!!
I went into therapy because of my DA. I have spent more money than I have to get to a point, after almost two years of this, where I am actually seriously considering leaving him. He goes back and forth between acting as if he deeply cares and believes we are in a long-term thing, and then suddenly just running. The loving periods are so addictive for me. It's taken me all this time to just get to where I'd rather be alone than deal with this yo-yo love. Your videos are helping me to step away. Thank you! Really, really thank you. I wish I had known about you the first time he ghosted me.
How long did he ghost you? I’m going through this now.
The emotional roller coaster is as addictive as destructive - burn out and ill health is a likely possibility
Have you looked into codependency on your part?
I have an anxious attachment, undoubtedly from my mother and I hate it! Seven months ago I fell for someone I've known for years after they showed serious interest in me. Then they disappeared, my only contact being through social media, however, when I reach out they're ghosting me and it's excruciatingly painful, I don't know how to break out of it. All I want is to be told there's nothing there but instead I get silence! 😢
In my case she was analyzing me, and saying you're this , your that, remembering every 'wrong' thing I said to her and eventually using these 'arguments' to end it.
I could never talk to her because then she would get very mad immediately. She also could get unreasonable mad.
Nitpicking to justify themselves breaking up with a good person. Mine did the same to me with the most nonsense excuses.
I went through the same thing
same you couldnt make it right, they can only heal alone and only if they start realizing whats going on with them :(
suicidal despair and breathless longing
so sorry my dear. You will get through this. Listen to Eckhart Tolle. He really helps. This is a phase of despair that you will overcome. You can't get over it, under it, around it. The only way is to travel DIRECTLY THROUGH the pain. It's hell but you will get better. Love and light xxxxx
I feel you. It sucks. But trying with an avoidant is a painfully useless exercise... they don't change
No - its actually none of those reasons - different interests etc etc. Its sex. Purely sex. They either get it or they don’t. It’s the ONLY thing they need from a relationship. If they get it, they’re good. If they don’t, they’re not. That’s it, period.
The grief question... I can't recall exactly what it said but it made me think of when I (DA) lost someone extremely dear to me and needed to grieve, but it happened to be when i had family staying with me. I basically made them leave because I HAD to be alone to grieve and could not deal with anything else, even when my family was nothing but supportive. It's that inability to rely on others- I only know how to self regulate. So when something very stressful happens, all of my emotional bandwidth is taken up and I simply have nothing left for anyone else, and I can't lean on them either, so I withdraw until I can recover a bit.
Self regulation is great in itself not a problem at all and makes you strong. Dumping problems onto others and looking for solutions from them is unfair anyway. When most of the problems are solved and you reconnect to complete the problem solving together that makes the connection stronger and releases vasopressin which reinforces pair bonding. As an anxious I had to work on it and now much better at self regulation and I see the positives in all parts of life including work.
Needing space to grieve is not 'being a DA' it is totally healthy
I can definitely detect my patience waning in life...
I am filled with, and consumed with, rage and grief.
I desperately want to die, I can no longer bear the darkness...
I AM SO FUCKING exhausted and depressed.
44 years of hell and trauma, that's been my entire life, so far...
Please go talk to someone that can help. You are worth the investment. You won't feel this way forever. No matter how bad things seem, tomorrow is a new day. It's just time to find a new perspective on things.
Sending prayers and positive vibes your way.. 🙏🙏🤗🤗
I agree with Elizabeth, up above. You are worth the walk away. I hope you are in a situation where you can do it.
Very insightful. Thank you for this information
VERY insightful. Thank you!!
I am so grateful that I found your channel.
It helped me big time!
your videos are hidden gems for real
This is brilliant and spot on 👏👏 thank you Ken
This is life saving for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos ❤
Mine said, he wants to hook up with random people and is not currently ready for anything serious after asking me to be his girlfriend 6 months ago
Absolutely AMAZING CONTENT!!!❤❤❤❤❤
Ken, you truly are a gift to all of us struggling with DAs/FAs. Thank you thank you thank you for your wisdom and deep insight. x
My Husband left me in September and he says he wants a Divorce, My heart is broken. I would have NEVER hurt him.He was my Heart.he changed his phone number and has Ghosted me since September. He Blindsided me with all of this. I wish he would come home and just talk to me. He still pays the mortgage, power bill and pays for my grass guy. He also puts money in my bank account every week. I find it all so odd. He even sends care packages for my Dog!!
I'm so sorry. That's so hard. I hope you have friends who are there for you. Focus on hobbies
As long as you keep accepting his money that means he owns you.
What did you do?
@lindsay3793 I'm his Wife...no one owns me
@mrsherwood2599 not a thing. Except love him,unconditionally
subscribed, with full admiration on how much understanding/knowledge you have on the topic ❤ from Beijing China
You are the best person on this topic I’ve ever listened to…..Thank you❤
Great video!
I so very much appreciate your clarification, wisdom & sharing! ❤ I respect these Avoidant types because they are Correct! Recently dating a man, Great connection 101 things in common, no sex yet, & he's up and Ghosted me. Although it had come as a Slap in the face saying to myself "I deserve Better than this", I'm Beyond Grateful this 🐓💩 Ran for the hills, because he has Spared Me of his " Monster 👹 self". If he can't "Hold Court" in elementary basic fun dating after 3 1/2 weeks, then how in the heck could he hold up in Real Life?! I'm Beyond Grateful he's let me know Not to WAIST my Time! Beyond Pathetic! Thank Heavens I've been Spared of this Looser!
@@mrsherwood2599 yes, I have a disability, that's a very good reason to reject someone with a good heart, because they can't spell.
EXCELLENT REVIEW!! It's so painful. Jeez.
Hands down the best descriptor and talk about Avoidants I have ever heard. Accurate, totally relative and actual experience.
My ex avoidant would say you’re so outgoing that it gives me this uncomfortable feeling….But he said anyone else would love it
Good stuff, keep the details going. Details help. Help us know wee werent crazy. The part about over focusing on kids to hide from true things.
In working through my wounds from an avoidant, I've realised I have a lot of traits myself. Thank you for your videos, they've helped a lot! ❤️
Surpressing vulnerability, because they feel shame I think, have to be in charge. I guess so, well I have been in both ends, so I can figure them a little out, smothering is a little scary, and change is a little scary too. I think so, perhaps there are no room to be as you are , at least they don't think so..
Thank you so very much for this video. It is extremely helpful and articulated and it will surely help me to be gentle with myself after breakup.💔
Funny you mention that. My sister in law was very upset and was in such confusion and pain (bc we are close) and i shared your last video. Your videos help me further my loving detachment. I love him but i can’t love myself with him in my life. So he must go.
Thank you this has been so informative. I am anxious attachment style though there are several things you mentioned for avoidant I have those traits.
I saw his mask starting to slip
Thank you ❤
Truth!
This is just so incredibly accurate with some experiences I've had. I'm shocked just how spot on, down to the exact phrases. 💯
Yes!!! I've watched 3 of his videos so far and was dumbstruck by him telling certain phrases the avoidant uses which were EXACTLY THE SAME AS MINE DID!!! Lol, are they ALL the same?
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 They are really almost all the same. its as if they're out of a clone factory with the same consciousness implanted in them. Operating out of the same few principles which manifest at their behaviour
unresolved mother issues so true... I heard story from guy that his mother did not love him because he was from man she did not love.... he dont know now how to respect and love women and trying to control and use them, and feeling unloved when woman does not like or accept his behavior
It’s like you are using my life as an example.
i know, it's okay. I accept who are u, everything is beautiful, there are no wrong ways to be, if i had one wish tho it'd be that'd you'd simply choose to be exactly who u are, always u x
I was told i trusted my friends and expected them to be there for me and they didnt want to do the same. DA said making friends was a consequence of having hobbies 🤷♂️
"Why was my dismissive avoidant ex okay with (letting me) believe he was cheating when in actuality he was not seeing anyone at the time?" I think that is what the question at 52:07 is asking. My ex, a woman, did the same thing. They would rather avoid giving an answer either way. In my situation my ex would behave like I was right about her cheating, she just didn't care that I was hurt by it. Even though what I was saying wasn't happening at the time. I would call it crazy-making behavior on her part.
Evn i m confused....beacuse he abruptly said he has gf.. as i told him i want to be serious wid u .. nd i was like ahhaan...but i think they self sabotaged ..or just felted fishy dont know wht but yeah i also have these trust isuues...due to my attachment which is disorganized...i m a FA ...so,he was ok i guess in making me think that he has a new gf.or it can be possibility he might have gone back to his ex....(which can be possible ) but god knows...
The only thing he told me was that he has a gf...when i asked him to hv serious relationship..though back then he nver evr mentioned about any girl out there...😮..which was a sudden shock for me...but DA and FA we self sabotage things ....😢😢hard to deal 😢
I'm watching so much on Avoidant Attachment, and I'm concerned that I have it. Just dumped the love of my life due to alcoholism. But I just freaked out when I found out the details and ended things abruptly. Worked so hard to not freak out about things in relationships, but I did it anyway. 😢
My relationship with my BF is 2 years and he's an alcoholic. We're likely headed for a breakup (he's been avoiding me and reconnected with his ex GF. recently. I hope you get thru your breakup successfully. I'm working thru it.
Found it interesting your comments about addicts around min 17-18
@@a.d.b535Thanks. It's really hard not to go back. To beg for forgiveness. I hope things work out for you too. Breaking up is so hard, especially in long term relationships.
Is she an alcoholic?
It's very difficult when healing to determine valid reasons vs avoidant rationalizations. It sounds like you have the former, though.
My ex from 27 yrs ago is 100% a dismissive avoidant. He is so avoidant he didnt even break up with me and I didnt break up with him... we just drifted apart. Now, we are friends, he claims "We never broke up so technically you're still mine" 😆 Oh my.... does he ever have a sense of humor. He does love me, he says "I screwed up, you're the one who got away" Yes, yes I am. I was so heartbroken after 1 year and 2 months of being in a Hot/Cold relatioship with him I moved away. Took me 2 years to finally feel like I could date someone again. Fast forward numerous years and he became addicted to methamphetamine 😢💔😬 I randomly saw him and he looked like a dead man walking. I didn't tell him this, I just accepted him for who he is... good/bad because I know randomly seeing him after nearly 23 years doesn't mean anything.
You are spot on with the emotional incest from a parent, my ex’s mother controlled his entire life, he’s 57 and she’s 86 and he has to be her emotional support every single day, and he is definitely a FA, and acts like his mom will always be #1
Avoidant here: towards the end I think that the person that said “being okay with thinking they were cheating”. I’m going to call this an easy out because it’s always a dealbreaker and it’s easier for them to get rid of you and let the other person think that because either will just part ways no matter what.
If they already think of themselves as a terrible person then they want their significant other to think they are terrible at the same time in a shared “misery loves company” kind of way.
Ah..so it means they usually are not cheating?? They do this to protect themselves..?
How about " I'm ready for marriage it will happen when it happens." So I asked..."have you just not met THE ONE?" He responded “i guess that's about the short of it“.
When we first met 4 years ago he told me he told his mom I was the one. So now I'm like....😮wut
Could you do more on DA’s in long-term relationship break-up? My ex wanted closeness (to a certain extent) for 1,5 years - after that he exploded every time I tried to talk to him for another 1,5 years, and after living together for 8 months his lies about debt and previous relationships caught up and he shut down. We went to couple’s therapy when he suddenly moved out with one week notice. I’d like to know more about DA’s and these ”cracks in the facade”. It’s been two months since he left and you have no idea how much your videos are helping me.
My avoidant broke it off by saying he "doesn't have peace" and "we're at an impasse"...which came out of left field. He told me from day #1 he wanted to move to my state and marry me. Brought me to meet his family, friends, and church. We were planning a life together. And...he knew how hard a certain holiday is for me, and he chose THAT DAY to break up via email and text! Then he called me to reiterate his "lack of peace".
He would literally FREEZE when we'd talk about or plan our future. He bought me a ring,, and oddly said "this ring is more of a reminder to myself that I love you"...WHAT???Until these videos I had no idea about Fearful Avoidant Attachments but he fits the description 100%.
About the mommy issues: What's funny about the young guy (DA) I've been seeing is that - from the outside- it looks like he and his mom have a great relationship. Ive been wondering what could possibly be that childhood trauma that triggered him to be so avoidant. Then, with the video, it occurred to me. I am only 1 yr younger than his mom. So, it makes sense why he would project into me all of his mommy issues.
Ken, you're a full on bloke - had to stop this video and take a break 🙂 Only just found you and this is the 2nd vid of yours I have watched
Excellent stuff and 90% spot on/relevant with what I've recently been through with my DA Ex
Iam FA and never leave anyone.
I get left ....
Oh yeah - I got the "You are in love with the idea of me, I am not that." - after 22 years of marriage. 15 of it sexless.....Just living inside her head and behind her walls.
Communication issues is the main problem with an avoidant attacher
My ex was avoidant but he seemed to not accept that he was I'll never forget when he suddenly broke up with me after a fun filled great weekend together when I asked why he was acting like this and not just communicate? he told me it was because he felt like I no longer found him attractive,even though there wasn't any indication of that lol also the classic I can't meet your needs or you can do better than me but never spoke on his thoughts or feelings with me he constantly made decisions without a conversation still to this day he doesn't believe he's an avoidant and doesn't need therapy or work on his self he has a lot of confidence in who he is but looks down on others who are emotionally intelligent which I hear is a common theme for avoidants too...his mom was also extremely needy and overbearing he was also a fan of red pill podcast like Andrew Tate and Kevin Samuels hit the nail right on the head..once again though he does not believe or think he's an avoidant even though he checks off on the list lol
really excellent content thank you
Yeah, several girls i know with bpd complain of chronic boredom. I could see it drives them insane.
Bpd is not avoidant attachment
No such thing as a BPD. They were traumatized then atomised now they can't regulate their emotions. Your also forgetting their reproductive system that causes massive mood swings. Everyone gets bored its human nature and especially in this era. No manual labour anymore for most people. You don't go out and forage or hunt for food. Think about it...
@@rupertperiwinkle4477 then which are they?
@@neveragain733 Avoidant attachers are a form of insecure attachment that have overlapping traits of Narcissism.
@@rupertperiwinkle4477 that is true, but like npd and bpd, avoidant behaviour can share similar traits to npd and bpd
Can you talk about schizophrenia avoidance and why they might block your number.
So true about not being able to communicate. 😮 He has dyslexia and a d.d. which makes it worse. We were together for 22 years 😢
What about avoiding sex… is it too intimate for them? I have seen esp. physical complaints like I just spring hurt my ankle, or I’m having stomach problems, or just “not now”… or only when they initiate… which is almost never. And I had to leave it was so weird. Give me a major blow to my self-esteem… which I know is BS
Oh yes! Sex and the dismissive-avoidant, or lack there of. Mine quit giving me sex around Christmas. He’d tuck those “apples and banana,” so tight between his legs, that I couldn’t find them! He even REFUSED blow jobs! I’ve never had a man refuse a blow job🤦🏻♀️😂😂WTF??? He’s now ghosted me for almost two weeks. I dodged a bullet!
they can't do intimate sex. a lot of them are into bdsm, kink, casual sex, one night stands etc as it takes away from the intimacy. it's just sex for feeling something. a lot of them are into porn and masturbation and dressing up tp 'hide' themselves and their bodies. many with npd and bpd are similar.
Narcs do that.
is there something actually physically wrong with my brain?
because the PTSD flashbacks are nonstop!!!
and they are horrific and severe.
and then there's the rumination and the obsession...
the rage and the grief.
is this just trauma?
a nutritional deficiency?
parasites?
heavy metals?
repression?
I'm going crazy in despair.
I can no longer bear this pain.
the darkness and terror and panic
engulf me.
LEAN ON JESUS!!!!
I was committed to a serious relationship, he insisted on FWB for three years. Best compatibility I ever experienced. Long distance situationship. When I left, he said he never loved me. Was he telling the truth?
Hey, how do you identify the difference between dealing with someone with insecure attachment and dealing with someone with a personality disorder? 🙏
M currenlt dealing with this and I am really down. I need someone to talk.can some one please talk to me..I am loosing peace and getting anxious attacks everytime.
I am The Song Of the Universe!
Today is a Miraculous Wonderfully Magical Day!
I am in my New Earth Divine Crystalline Body!
Can you also discuss what happens when you break up with the avoidant in a secure manner?
I never seem actually to get broken up with by avoidants. It's always me who is the "designated dumper".
Can you talk about porn addiction? And avoidances?
Lollove 😊😂 I don't no 🚫 lol
Is it abusive if your narcissistic boyfriend says you're an avoident because you push them away after the devalue stage?
At 52:00 I think her Grammer was off. I think she meant why was my ex ok with me thinking he was cheating when he was not. Mine does this with any issues I have, she does not reassure me if my thoughts are wrong. For example if I say It feels like you do not appreciate how I show up for you...she will usually deflect, change the subject, or ask another question instead of providing evidence she does or confirming my thought. Smh it's annoying.
It could be that when you “explain yourself,” you put yourself in a defensive posture, a one-down position.
How do you feel about timing?? Let’s say someone with an anxious/secure attachment style starts dating a fearful avoidant who recently got out of a 9 yr relationship 6 months ago… we dated and she said she not ready for a relationship. Thoughts?
From watching hours of these type of vids I used to hope if I had known all this going in with my 'avoidant' - or maybe she is just a Sigma? it would have been different...?
That hope diminishes
Oooh.. ur on to something here, I'm a sigma female btw..
Models & labels are fine, but there's usually always crossover...? Ken is deeper diver into the nuts n bolts which I like & resonates true. Good luck@@valeriejeanius.
She reached out to me after 10 days of being ghosted. I was ready to move on and for some reason she reached out 6 in the morning asking to meet up🤔
Did you give her another chance, or what?
Uhh yeah, what happened??
Now how crazy is that you want love and we give it to them and they tey everything to kill it.And you said they will tell you they don't like drama but will end up in a relationship like that see that is emotionally unstable. They are going to one day meet their match because you can't play around or keep hurting good people. I do believe that is why you hear of people snapping and we are shocked. Dismissive avodent until they do the work they need to stay the heck out of relationships before they pay the price which is karma.
Mine said he was all in,,
My fault for this, so I kept trying then I'd say somethings up. You dont call initiates messesages, no interest in me , never said my name either ,He'd block then return, I'd reach out saying OK I can do this.. then it was a cycle. Yet it was all on his terms.
I text hm yesterday, saying the way u literally just ghosted is harmful ang hurtful. I am not after a reply,im in a good space.
Then blocked him.
The block was closure.
BEEN TREATED LIKE GARBAGE MY WHOLE LIFE.
44 YEARS OF ABUSE.
All 44 years of my life, so far,
have just been suffering.
I can no longer bear the suffering.
My rage is red-hot-white.
May all those whom I loathe,
suffer for all eternity,
for what they've done to me.
I WILL NO LONGER
HAVE MY VOICE SILENCED.
I WILL ROAR!!!
Roar like lion king?
Just please don't do it in an elementary school, OK?
Can someone link the video about avoidants and guilt?
Ken, thank you for the way you patiently repeat these explanations. Here is the epiphany I journaled just now:
❤️ Epiphany: Just like relationship triggers my old wounds, the RELATIONSHIP triggers his old wounds. I am not the cause of his pain and he is not the cause of mine. WE ARE NOT CAUSING EACH OTHERS’ PAIN. We both need to learn to deal with the disregulation that the RELATIONSHIP creates. I can express this from my own point of view and will. He will have to have this epiphany on his own, but perhaps I can state: “If you’ve ever had these feelings in a relationship before, please consider that it’s not the partner, but rather the relationship experience in light of pain you’ve had earlier in your life.”
❤️ ✨Relationships are a chance to learn about ourselves and how to mend pain we had when we had no control over our life. We can grow through our connection to another person we can trust. ✨❤️✨❤️✨❤️✨❤️✨❤️✨❤️✨
The bottom line is: can trust be developed? I guess it depends on how severe they are; if they are ready to try.