These are great for when I find a partner willing to participate in an adult relationship. I just had to give up on my last one. He routinely checks out and goes silent knowing how disrespectful I think it is. It’s basic, I expressed a trigger and a need and he dismisses me. Not my person.
As an FA myself, although you expressed that ita disrespectful towards you that he goes silent the same could be said if the tables were turned, that you are overpassing his boundaries and youre being disrespectful to his ways of coping which is the withdrawn and the silence, some of us need to be alone and in a quiet space in order to think clearly and feel our emotions safely so that WE (FA) can resolve our problems and continue moving forward..... not saying this is healthy but its the way we cope and figure out things we also need a partner who is willing to be an adult and work with us and not try to pressure us with their feelings and make it about them when in this very moment that we are withdrawn and quiet its about us and our own conflicts we have to deal with... some of us are stressing about finances, family, health our whole lives isnt just our romantic relationships.
We have a great video on stonewalling that may be helpful. Part of being in a healthy relationship is communicating when you need space or time to process so your partner can understand why you've stepped back and when you will return. th-cam.com/video/XJqqT_-tv1M/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
@@Twighlight333 Y'all rarely communicate your need for space. You just leave, ghost, or the infamous "we'll talk about this later" only to never bring it up again or explode at your partner when they, understandably, try to resolve the issue later. Relationship is always on your terms.
I’d just tell him that you’re ready to listen if and when he wants to talk about it. If he needs space, you’ll give it to him. However, depending on how much conflict/differences there are, he might just not be right for you, like you said.
This is too much to do to try and coddle a FA! I’ve dealt with a FA and it drained the LIFE outta me trying to understand and get through to them! Especially when they don’t want to go to therapy and do the work to change! HEAL YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA and stop bleeding on people that are trying/wanting to love you!!!!!!
Simply stating "I understand why you're upset" is not enough, because it still doesn't provide the security of knowing I am understood by the other, that's an old trick of manipulation made very familiar through frequent repetition. It requires accurate mirroring/translation of the feelings and reasons for their presence, clearly and empathetically stated, as a reflection of the truth inside. Not only is this necessary for connection or repair, but also serves as a "sounding board" or projection screen that exhibits the deep thoughts and feelings that are so often amorphous, obscure, and incomprehensible to myself, and it encourages further attempts to reach out and reveal more , and more frequently, with less fear and self-loathing. -FA INFJ (schizoid)
I agree. I think what you describe is captured largely within the context of “emotional attunement”. If you’re familiar with Gottman Therapy, I’m preaching to the choir. My ex claimed to be an FA and she was hideously awful at emotional attunement. Cognitive empathy? Yup, sometimes. Compassionate and Emotional Empathy? Nope, not if she had hurt me with her actions. She was in therapy, we had subscribed to PDS (she lied about doing the work). We even listened to podcasts about emotional attunement when one partner had hurt the other or betrayed trust. Discussing it with her was like talking to a cardboard box cutout. Didn’t matter the amount of space or time she got. Never, ever did she, of her own volition, choose to repair. If I brought it up, I just was hit with every emotionally manipulative tool she had in her arsenal. Tough times, not fun.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Yes, emotional (but also intellectual) attunement is what I was trying to describe, from the viewpoint of a fearful avoidant with a wide spectrum of early and chronic attachment injury, but of course the same principles apply to all, with variations in preferences for particular aspects. I am only superficially acquainted with the Gottmans' work, and would probably benefit from further study at some point so thanks for the reminder. Presently I'm not pursuing romantic relationships, and even friendships and transactional relationships are too challenging, after a very destructive relationship that ended tragically with fatal illness and resurrected all my buried childhood trauma, after a nearly 23 year marriage with a lady who had been the light in my universe that had also ended tragically and unexpectedly due to a medical issue. The adaptations of the schizoid condition has always made relationships a daunting, stressful, and ambiguous proposition, due to dissociation from my own emotions and the effects of alienation and other factors, but I do have access to empathy for others (INFJ Fe) even though it's difficult to express and was likely the key vulnerability that made me so susceptible and reactive to early trauma. As a result, I rely heavily on cognitive empathy also, even to try to interpret and express my own emotions (mentalization), and on "identification" to build rapport and bridge the emotional divide (both automatic unconscious processes) as a form of attunement. I'm only beginning to understand these processes as a result of that last failed relationship, which shared many of the dynamics you described, plus some "specialty" ones. After a lot of intense research I've determined she was almost certainly an undiagnosed Borderline, an adaptation resulting from very early sexual abuse, abandonment, and other factors. While she could and did express feelings of attachment they were not often accompanied by any expression of emotional or cognitive attunement to me, and the cycles of idealization and devaluation, erratic behavior patterns, rage, paranoid fears of abandonment, memory dissociation, etc. created an emotional chasm and destroyed every bridge we attempted to build, and left us both confused and hurt. I didn't know about my own condition either at that point, so I'm certain my own (dismissive-leaning) adaptations helped feed her (magnified anxious/preoccupied) fears and instability just as her reactivity pushed me further into deactivation. As a result of that relationship and the research I'm doing into psychology and personality "disorders" (HATE that term) in the aftermath, I'm finally beginning to know myself and understand the injuries that underlie my own and others' behaviors, and as a result I have more empathy for others, though it's still a bit abstract. In comparison to the issues I've presented, much of the focus in the sphere of attachment theory, while crucial, addresses "first world problems" that can be resolved relatively easily with education, empathy, and a reciprocal desire for understanding. Life can be short, and brutish - be kind.
'I'm sorry, but it sounds like you almost expect your partner to be your therapist. It takes most people two years of counselling skills training and a lot of money to get to the level of active listening you just described.
@@veral2274 Not at all, only to be genuinely interested and attuned to a degree that unmistakably indicates empathy and understanding and encourages those to be offered in kind, the same thing we all want and hopefully want to offer. I know that is a rarity and seems like too much to expect, but I actually DID share that quality to a large degree with my late wife of 22+ beautiful years, the only example of it I ever had, and I have little hope of a repeat. The fact that it is so rare and requires so much targeted training indicates (to me) the level of attachment injury from the lack of early attunement, disinterest, indifference, and emotional trauma that has become our societal norm. I certainly don't single myself out from that statistical reality, being an ACEs ace myself and carrying the scars to remind me, and more recent dissappointments to reinforce the lessons learned. None of us can be expected to take away another's wounds or carry another's burdens, that's true, but a willingness and ability to take another's perspective and adopt another's best interests as our own, as a true friend and partner, can address many of the fears that drive the differences between attachment styles and build bonds of trust that encourage more authentic and supportive relationships. Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that why we study attachment theory ? Or are we only looking for that next dopamine and oxytocin high from a transactional situationship that we hope to sustain without the inconvenience of another's needs? No one and nothing is perfect, and no one can be everything to everybody, but can't we try to learn, and get closer?
With all due respect I think your videos are great and very helpful. I do worry sometimes that your videos may cause those of Anxious leaning attachment styles to lean into trying to make relationships “work” with FA when in fact they should part ways for more healthy relationships. It’s important for both parties to do the work and not just a single person. You have mentioned this before in your videos but some of the videos still place an emphasis on what the partner can do to accommodate the FA.
You absolutely have a point and I see a lot of DA videos are the same where there's emphasis on how to essentially accommodate or meet the needs of the avoidant more so than the avoidant meeting the needs of the anxious. I've actually asked in the comments if she can make more videos on this. Although you mentioned that both people have to do the work, where I have to push back is when you emphasize anxious leaving the relationship for someone for a more healthy one when the anxious person themselves can have very unhealthy behavior. I think it's safe to say that anyone who has an unhealed attachment style should do the work before entering into any relationship healthy or unhealthy or they're going to bring their unhealed traits into that one.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakesgreat point! Everyone needs to do the work and go through the healing process I also agree I would like to see more videos on the avoidant meeting the needs of anxious as well.
The reason theres these types of videos is for the people who do want to understand their partners and their needs, in order to make things work with you partner you have understand where they are coming from right? Ans this is what these videos do, now you dont have to watch these videos hence the topic of this video is on the title " tools to RECONNECT with..." the videos you should be watching instead are videos catered to you and what you need to work on..... of course this video is going to tell the other person how to accommodate this certain attachment style because thats what this video is for. If you look at her channel youll find the right videos for you
@@Twighlight333 I can't speak for the OP, but I think because there's a substantially larger amount of videos in this PDS channel geared toward learning about avoidants and how to help get their needs met compared to the amount of videos geared towards helping getting an anxious partners needs met, it's a valid statement she made. I've seen other channel fans mention this as well. Thais specifically asks in her videos for people to comment any questions they have or anything they would like to see her make a video about and that's exactly what this person is doing.
ive said this multiple times that FAs get too much leeway for being horrible and unneccesary empathy, ive gotten hate comments. Please for love of god dont put up with FA behaviour. DAs feel better than FAs because at least you know what you get into when you are with a DA. FAs short like a fuse.
The main issue with this is that, with the FAs that I know, their 'needs' and insecurities are so severe that they run their partners into the ground; straight into survival mode. They talk until 4am day after day, rehashing all this without attaining resolution. In fact, their issues and needs seem to grow. The rumination effect. If they are not working on overcoming their attachment style characteristics, then it eventually becomes unsustainable.
Wow, my ex FA never once kept and important discussion going where she was accountable. Not once in 3 years. She sure did use every emotionally manipulative tool in the book to avoid and twist it around on me.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 I think that was ultimately the goal. To figure out a way to escape their own guilt and accountability for something. They do get really good at that (at least in their own minds).
I wqs in an LDR with my ex who’s a Fearful Avoidant and I’m an Anxious attachment style. I don’t know what to do. For the first 2 weeks since we broke up, I’ve broken the NC 3-4 times. Also, I begged for her back and our last conversation ended in an argument, which I apologized for. It’s been radio silent since Monday.
I recently got into a relationship with an avoidant and knew nothing about attachment styles until recently right now I am having trouble with him even giving me 5min of his time to connect. He says he is too busy but then I see he has time to go hang out with couch surfers so it’s not making any sense to me.
When a man doesn't have time for you, move on. I had the same problem and put up with him being too busy for a year. Many weekends, I sat home while he was too busy with his friends. I explained to him several times how I wanted to see him more often with no improvements. Focus on yourself, do not resent him, and move on. Don't waste a year of your time like I did.
So sorry to hear you're going through this! We have a video on what to do if a dismissive avoidant is not contacting you that may be applicable here: th-cam.com/video/aYFMuzf97os/w-d-xo.html
He is emotionally unavailable by definition of being an avoidant. Do yourself a favor and move on from him. He is not too busy. He's just using you. Trust your gut.
An avoidant needs to validate others and not put them down to be validated. How do you discuss needs with someone whose trait is not talking In the end it may not work
Have a question that may be interesting to you. How to deal with a fearful avoidant that is still in contact with the person who hurt them? IE: Ex husband.
Thank you for sharing. ❤ This may be another video related to conflict resolution that can help with communication! th-cam.com/video/yKpCe2V7U4M/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
Can this help for me due I’m bit anxious and I need to talk with my FA. I have never spoken to her 3.5 months and she got a boyfriend before me. I was a mess who broke the trust, I hope she understood i’m not bad person. 😔😞
Thank you for sharing! We have a good video on reconnecting with a fearful avoidant after conflict that may be helpful. th-cam.com/video/tKeg5J4TJMk/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared Also, try to challenge your own beliefs that you are a bad person and look for where you are innocent! ❤
I’m going through this right now. I accidentally triggered a FA when I accidentally reposted a pic of my ex on Facebook and he saw it and pulled away. After that, he untagged me in an Instagram post. But, now he’s retagged me in that post a week later. It feels like he wants me to reach out. But, I’m unsure
The FA in me has to ask, how did you accidentally repost a pic of your ex? To answer your question, yes it sounds like he is indirectly trying to get your attention.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes it was a Facebook memory from 15 years ago and I thought I sent it to my cousin because she was in the picture too but I accidentally posted it to my timeline
@@Irishflicka was this an ex that you still think about? Just wondering why you would try sending it to someone. Wasn't sure if it was a "thank goodness that person is out of my life!" or a missing him post. I don't acknowledge most of my exes.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes it was a memory with my ex and cousin in New York. I helped find this statue that my cousin wanted to see so it was a good feeling knowing that I could help her and we had a fun day. I would never go back to my ex and have absolutely no desire to see him.
will see my fa ex saturday evening to give back stuff we have from each other, had no contact with her for 4 weeks. Interesting she said she brings it to me as she knows here is nobody else. would have been way easier for her to tell me to pick it up though...
Best of luck on Saturday. Hopefully this video was helpful, we also have a fearful avoidant playlist if you need more insights! ❤ th-cam.com/video/l10mRchQVgU/w-d-xo.html
hey, how to get a fearful avoidant narcissist girl back? we had short time together, just 10 days. she was the one that was hurting me from the beginning, being too rude and not careful with her words (like comparisons with her ex). in the end, when she started opening to me - i got reserved and then she became very rude and end the relationship. now is almost 5 months without contact, after i was messaging her for 2 months after the breakup, without any respond from her. i love and care for her, want another try with her now when i know what the problem was. how to get her back? what kind of message can break her shield?
All this will only be applicable when the FA is ready to talk or hear ,, the first thing they do is shutdown and stop responding… How will we communicate….. BTW i had a FA girlfriend we broke up recently …. Its not worth it frankly 😣
Why do human beings expect so much from other people ? Honestly, it's emotionally draining to view these videos.Just learn to be self sustaining & get a dog ; Most people are toxic anyway. Woof !
Why are you watching them then? 😂 Let's see if I learned something from this video... "I see you and your feelings are valid. Maybe a dog will help you to heal those wounds you have inside." Lol your DA is showing but that's okay, I really hope you heal what's going on inside.
@lisaannlundun / lol, I watch these for entertainment purposes only. I'm too old to concern myself with bonding with another human being & am happy alone, but if this information was available when I was younger, it certainly would have made a difference in my life as a recovering " DA" / " FA". WOOF !
www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I think my wife is F.A. and I think I am A.P. when triggered. I am working on noticing that and trying to reprogram to be S.A. However, we are currently separated and living together with 2 young children. I am trying to give space, and match space, while also asking "how was your day" when I get home. Her answer is always "fine" and in any talking interaction, there is a tone of disrespect, disgust, anger, resentment, and annoyance in her voice, words and body language. Vulnerability is definitely hard for her. How do I ask how do you feel, or what do you need if this is how our interactions go? I want to work on the marriage and do anything to heal and build better than before, she does not. Foot is hard on the gas pedal towards divorce. I just want to be able to communicate in a nice way.
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How do you normally handle conflict?
These are great for when I find a partner willing to participate in an adult relationship. I just had to give up on my last one. He routinely checks out and goes silent knowing how disrespectful I think it is. It’s basic, I expressed a trigger and a need and he dismisses me. Not my person.
As an FA myself, although you expressed that ita disrespectful towards you that he goes silent the same could be said if the tables were turned, that you are overpassing his boundaries and youre being disrespectful to his ways of coping which is the withdrawn and the silence, some of us need to be alone and in a quiet space in order to think clearly and feel our emotions safely so that WE (FA) can resolve our problems and continue moving forward..... not saying this is healthy but its the way we cope and figure out things we also need a partner who is willing to be an adult and work with us and not try to pressure us with their feelings and make it about them when in this very moment that we are withdrawn and quiet its about us and our own conflicts we have to deal with... some of us are stressing about finances, family, health our whole lives isnt just our romantic relationships.
We have a great video on stonewalling that may be helpful. Part of being in a healthy relationship is communicating when you need space or time to process so your partner can understand why you've stepped back and when you will return. th-cam.com/video/XJqqT_-tv1M/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
@@Twighlight333 Y'all rarely communicate your need for space. You just leave, ghost, or the infamous "we'll talk about this later" only to never bring it up again or explode at your partner when they, understandably, try to resolve the issue later. Relationship is always on your terms.
@@brennam954 ALWAYS!!!! It's frustrating
I’d just tell him that you’re ready to listen if and when he wants to talk about it. If he needs space, you’ll give it to him. However, depending on how much conflict/differences there are, he might just not be right for you, like you said.
This is too much to do to try and coddle a FA! I’ve dealt with a FA and it drained the LIFE outta me trying to understand and get through to them! Especially when they don’t want to go to therapy and do the work to change! HEAL YOUR CHILDHOOD TRAUMA and stop bleeding on people that are trying/wanting to love you!!!!!!
Simply stating "I understand why you're upset" is not enough, because it still doesn't provide the security of knowing I am understood by the other, that's an old trick of manipulation made very familiar through frequent repetition. It requires accurate mirroring/translation of the feelings and reasons for their presence, clearly and empathetically stated, as a reflection of the truth inside. Not only is this necessary for connection or repair, but also serves as a "sounding board" or projection screen that exhibits the deep thoughts and feelings that are so often amorphous, obscure, and incomprehensible to myself, and it encourages further attempts to reach out and reveal more , and more frequently, with less fear and self-loathing.
-FA INFJ (schizoid)
Great insight! Thank you for sharing. ♥
I agree. I think what you describe is captured largely within the context of “emotional attunement”. If you’re familiar with Gottman Therapy, I’m preaching to the choir.
My ex claimed to be an FA and she was hideously awful at emotional attunement. Cognitive empathy? Yup, sometimes. Compassionate and Emotional Empathy? Nope, not if she had hurt me with her actions.
She was in therapy, we had subscribed to PDS (she lied about doing the work).
We even listened to podcasts about emotional attunement when one partner had hurt the other or betrayed trust. Discussing it with her was like talking to a cardboard box cutout.
Didn’t matter the amount of space or time she got. Never, ever did she, of her own volition, choose to repair. If I brought it up, I just was hit with every emotionally manipulative tool she had in her arsenal.
Tough times, not fun.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Yes, emotional (but also intellectual) attunement is what I was trying to describe, from the viewpoint of a fearful avoidant with a wide spectrum of early and chronic attachment injury, but of course the same principles apply to all, with variations in preferences for particular aspects. I am only superficially acquainted with the Gottmans' work, and would probably benefit from further study at some point so thanks for the reminder.
Presently I'm not pursuing romantic relationships, and even friendships and transactional relationships are too challenging, after a very destructive relationship that ended tragically with fatal illness and resurrected all my buried childhood trauma, after a nearly 23 year marriage with a lady who had been the light in my universe that had also ended tragically and unexpectedly due to a medical issue. The adaptations of the schizoid condition has always made relationships a daunting, stressful, and ambiguous proposition, due to dissociation from my own emotions and the effects of alienation and other factors, but I do have access to empathy for others (INFJ Fe) even though it's difficult to express and was likely the key vulnerability that made me so susceptible and reactive to early trauma. As a result, I rely heavily on cognitive empathy also, even to try to interpret and express my own emotions (mentalization), and on "identification" to build rapport and bridge the emotional divide (both automatic unconscious processes) as a form of attunement. I'm only beginning to understand these processes as a result of that last failed relationship, which shared many of the dynamics you described, plus some "specialty" ones.
After a lot of intense research I've determined she was almost certainly an undiagnosed Borderline, an adaptation resulting from very early sexual abuse, abandonment, and other factors. While she could and did express feelings of attachment they were not often accompanied by any expression of emotional or cognitive attunement to me, and the cycles of idealization and devaluation, erratic behavior patterns, rage, paranoid fears of abandonment, memory dissociation, etc. created an emotional chasm and destroyed every bridge we attempted to build, and left us both confused and hurt. I didn't know about my own condition either at that point, so I'm certain my own (dismissive-leaning) adaptations helped feed her (magnified anxious/preoccupied) fears and instability just as her reactivity pushed me further into deactivation.
As a result of that relationship and the research I'm doing into psychology and personality "disorders" (HATE that term) in the aftermath, I'm finally beginning to know myself and understand the injuries that underlie my own and others' behaviors, and as a result I have more empathy for others, though it's still a bit abstract. In comparison to the issues I've presented, much of the focus in the sphere of attachment theory, while crucial, addresses "first world problems" that can be resolved relatively easily with education, empathy, and a reciprocal desire for understanding. Life can be short, and brutish - be kind.
'I'm sorry, but it sounds like you almost expect your partner to be your therapist. It takes most people two years of counselling skills training and a lot of money to get to the level of active listening you just described.
@@veral2274 Not at all, only to be genuinely interested and attuned to a degree that unmistakably indicates empathy and understanding and encourages those to be offered in kind, the same thing we all want and hopefully want to offer. I know that is a rarity and seems like too much to expect, but I actually DID share that quality to a large degree with my late wife of 22+ beautiful years, the only example of it I ever had, and I have little hope of a repeat.
The fact that it is so rare and requires so much targeted training indicates (to me) the level of attachment injury from the lack of early attunement, disinterest, indifference, and emotional trauma that has become our societal norm. I certainly don't single myself out from that statistical reality, being an ACEs ace myself and carrying the scars to remind me, and more recent dissappointments to reinforce the lessons learned.
None of us can be expected to take away another's wounds or carry another's burdens, that's true, but a willingness and ability to take another's perspective and adopt another's best interests as our own, as a true friend and partner, can address many of the fears that drive the differences between attachment styles and build bonds of trust that encourage more authentic and supportive relationships. Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that why we study attachment theory ? Or are we only looking for that next dopamine and oxytocin high from a transactional situationship that we hope to sustain without the inconvenience of another's needs? No one and nothing is perfect, and no one can be everything to everybody, but can't we try to learn, and get closer?
With all due respect I think your videos are great and very helpful. I do worry sometimes that your videos may cause those of Anxious leaning attachment styles to lean into trying to make relationships “work” with FA when in fact they should part ways for more healthy relationships. It’s important for both parties to do the work and not just a single person. You have mentioned this before in your videos but some of the videos still place an emphasis on what the partner can do to accommodate the FA.
You absolutely have a point and I see a lot of DA videos are the same where there's emphasis on how to essentially accommodate or meet the needs of the avoidant more so than the avoidant meeting the needs of the anxious. I've actually asked in the comments if she can make more videos on this.
Although you mentioned that both people have to do the work, where I have to push back is when you emphasize anxious leaving the relationship for someone for a more healthy one when the anxious person themselves can have very unhealthy behavior.
I think it's safe to say that anyone who has an unhealed attachment style should do the work before entering into any relationship healthy or unhealthy or they're going to bring their unhealed traits into that one.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakesgreat point! Everyone needs to do the work and go through the healing process
I also agree I would like to see more videos on the avoidant meeting the needs of anxious as well.
The reason theres these types of videos is for the people who do want to understand their partners and their needs, in order to make things work with you partner you have understand where they are coming from right? Ans this is what these videos do, now you dont have to watch these videos hence the topic of this video is on the title " tools to RECONNECT with..." the videos you should be watching instead are videos catered to you and what you need to work on..... of course this video is going to tell the other person how to accommodate this certain attachment style because thats what this video is for. If you look at her channel youll find the right videos for you
@@Twighlight333 I can't speak for the OP, but I think because there's a substantially larger amount of videos in this PDS channel geared toward learning about avoidants and how to help get their needs met compared to the amount of videos geared towards helping getting an anxious partners needs met, it's a valid statement she made. I've seen other channel fans mention this as well. Thais specifically asks in her videos for people to comment any questions they have or anything they would like to see her make a video about and that's exactly what this person is doing.
ive said this multiple times that FAs get too much leeway for being horrible and unneccesary empathy, ive gotten hate comments. Please for love of god dont put up with FA behaviour. DAs feel better than FAs because at least you know what you get into when you are with a DA. FAs short like a fuse.
Ironically I'm a fearful avoidant who's been in conflict with my DA boyfriend for about 3 weeks now and needed this video .
Amazing! Glad you found it helpful. ❤
The main issue with this is that, with the FAs that I know, their 'needs' and insecurities are so severe that they run their partners into the ground; straight into survival mode. They talk until 4am day after day, rehashing all this without attaining resolution. In fact, their issues and needs seem to grow. The rumination effect. If they are not working on overcoming their attachment style characteristics, then it eventually becomes unsustainable.
Thank you for sharing your experience! ❤
This sounds more like anxious?
Wow, my ex FA never once kept and important discussion going where she was accountable. Not once in 3 years.
She sure did use every emotionally manipulative tool in the book to avoid and twist it around on me.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 I think that was ultimately the goal. To figure out a way to escape their own guilt and accountability for something. They do get really good at that (at least in their own minds).
This is not FA
I wqs in an LDR with my ex who’s a Fearful Avoidant and I’m an Anxious attachment style. I don’t know what to do. For the first 2 weeks since we broke up, I’ve broken the NC 3-4 times. Also, I begged for her back and our last conversation ended in an argument, which I apologized for. It’s been radio silent since Monday.
I recently got into a relationship with an avoidant and knew nothing about attachment styles until recently right now I am having trouble with him even giving me 5min of his time to connect. He says he is too busy but then I see he has time to go hang out with couch surfers so it’s not making any sense to me.
When a man doesn't have time for you, move on. I had the same problem and put up with him being too busy for a year. Many weekends, I sat home while he was too busy with his friends. I explained to him several times how I wanted to see him more often with no improvements. Focus on yourself, do not resent him, and move on. Don't waste a year of your time like I did.
So sorry to hear you're going through this! We have a video on what to do if a dismissive avoidant is not contacting you that may be applicable here: th-cam.com/video/aYFMuzf97os/w-d-xo.html
He is emotionally unavailable by definition of being an avoidant. Do yourself a favor and move on from him. He is not too busy. He's just using you. Trust your gut.
An avoidant needs to validate others and not put them down to be validated.
How do you discuss needs with someone whose trait is not talking
In the end it may not work
Have a question that may be interesting to you. How to deal with a fearful avoidant that is still in contact with the person who hurt them? IE: Ex husband.
Awesome thank you Thais ❤
These are all great… but how about when the emotional cheating has started. And porn addiction has kicked in and can’t bring these issues up at all.
Thank you for sharing. ❤ This may be another video related to conflict resolution that can help with communication! th-cam.com/video/yKpCe2V7U4M/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
In the end both need to heal.
Can this help for me due I’m bit anxious and I need to talk with my FA. I have never spoken to her 3.5 months and she got a boyfriend before me. I was a mess who broke the trust, I hope she understood i’m not bad person. 😔😞
Thank you for sharing! We have a good video on reconnecting with a fearful avoidant after conflict that may be helpful. th-cam.com/video/tKeg5J4TJMk/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared Also, try to challenge your own beliefs that you are a bad person and look for where you are innocent! ❤
Which specific course do you reference in this one, Thais?
I’m going through this right now. I accidentally triggered a FA when I accidentally reposted a pic of my ex on Facebook and he saw it and pulled away. After that, he untagged me in an Instagram post. But, now he’s retagged me in that post a week later. It feels like he wants me to reach out. But, I’m unsure
The FA in me has to ask, how did you accidentally repost a pic of your ex?
To answer your question, yes it sounds like he is indirectly trying to get your attention.
Just contact him, and explain to him the repost was an accident. Apologize.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes it was a Facebook memory from 15 years ago and I thought I sent it to my cousin because she was in the picture too but I accidentally posted it to my timeline
@@Irishflicka was this an ex that you still think about? Just wondering why you would try sending it to someone. Wasn't sure if it was a "thank goodness that person is out of my life!" or a missing him post. I don't acknowledge most of my exes.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes it was a memory with my ex and cousin in New York. I helped find this statue that my cousin wanted to see so it was a good feeling knowing that I could help her and we had a fun day. I would never go back to my ex and have absolutely no desire to see him.
will see my fa ex saturday evening to give back stuff we have from each other, had no contact with her for 4 weeks. Interesting she said she brings it to me as she knows here is nobody else. would have been way easier for her to tell me to pick it up though...
Best of luck on Saturday. Hopefully this video was helpful, we also have a fearful avoidant playlist if you need more insights! ❤ th-cam.com/video/l10mRchQVgU/w-d-xo.html
hey, how to get a fearful avoidant narcissist girl back? we had short time together, just 10 days. she was the one that was hurting me from the beginning, being too rude and not careful with her words (like comparisons with her ex). in the end, when she started opening to me - i got reserved and then she became very rude and end the relationship. now is almost 5 months without contact, after i was messaging her for 2 months after the breakup, without any respond from her. i love and care for her, want another try with her now when i know what the problem was. how to get her back? what kind of message can break her shield?
Do fearful avoidants have high expectations from themselves ?? and do they blame themselves for not meeting those expectations ?
All this will only be applicable when the FA is ready to talk or hear ,, the first thing they do is shutdown and stop responding…
How will we communicate…..
BTW i had a FA girlfriend we broke up recently …. Its not worth it frankly 😣
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Why do human beings expect so much from other people ? Honestly, it's emotionally draining to view these videos.Just learn to be self sustaining & get a dog ; Most people are toxic anyway. Woof !
🐶 We have lots of content on how to self-soothe and meet your own needs too!
Why are you watching them then? 😂
Let's see if I learned something from this video...
"I see you and your feelings are valid. Maybe a dog will help you to heal those wounds you have inside."
Lol your DA is showing but that's okay, I really hope you heal what's going on inside.
@lisaannlundun / lol, I watch these for entertainment purposes only. I'm too old to concern myself with bonding with another human being & am happy alone, but if this information was available when I was younger, it certainly would have made a difference in my life as a recovering " DA" / " FA". WOOF !
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool / lol, I've already got a toolbox full of tools, but am too old to use them. Shalom
@@gregorystinette8271it is never too late
www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
I think my wife is F.A. and I think I am A.P. when triggered. I am working on noticing that and trying to reprogram to be S.A. However, we are currently separated and living together with 2 young children. I am trying to give space, and match space, while also asking "how was your day" when I get home. Her answer is always "fine" and in any talking interaction, there is a tone of disrespect, disgust, anger, resentment, and annoyance in her voice, words and body language. Vulnerability is definitely hard for her. How do I ask how do you feel, or what do you need if this is how our interactions go? I want to work on the marriage and do anything to heal and build better than before, she does not. Foot is hard on the gas pedal towards divorce. I just want to be able to communicate in a nice way.