Why is the connection so STRONG with an avoidant?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
- #attachment #avoidant #avoidantattachment #dismissiveavoidant #fearfulavoidant #insecureattachment #dating #relationship #relationshipcoach #situationship #anxiousattachment #emotionallyunavailable
They’re very emotionally starved so when they recognize that you check off all the boxes on their list, they go all in very hard. But when things are about to go right , they get very scared and slow fade or ghost. It really isn’t worth it. Be with a secure person who showers you with love and best of all, will be there until the very end.
So well put. Its crazy how their neurobiology works. Totally different brain chemistry
Avoidants are literally never starved for emotions… what are you people talking about? The whole point of being an avoidant is self regulation as long as they’re alone and they seek the alone time more than anything else… weirdos always looking for something to blame so let’s blame avoidants
@@UnknowwnnHero if they’re avoiding understanding/dealing with their emotions when they’re alone (as is usually the case with all insecure attachment styles, but especially avoidants), then it’s just more dysregulation which perpetuates those toxic relationship cycles and behavioral patterns
@@UnknowwnnHeroactually he led a quite lonely life always on the road for work and with child once every week. But he once told me: « you re lucky to have all these romantic connections, my emotional life is quite dull. »
Because they were so vulnerable and understanding and really open their heart with their love bombing. And anxious folks keep hold of this time and think all the dismissiveness is just a phase and we can make it better. As we hold on with the love phase and think this is the genuine person.
We stress our ownselves out.
My avoidant BF started the slow fade at 6 mos. One month later, yesterday he broke it off and asked 3 times if we could be friends. Told me I was amazing, blah, blah, blah.
He perfectly mirrored my childhood experience with my parents. Perfectly. I found myself clinging to my pillow crying night after night, holding out hope, thinking if I just showed up as my best self he would want to step in more and grow. He did at times, but as Coach Ryan explains, the behavior doesnt change until the person does the inner work.
To whomever is reading this now, take note, commit to loving yourself, and walk away.
this is very similar to my situation as well! my avoidant pulled away when we got really really close and asked to be friends and that didn't work so now were in no contact..not sure where it'll go..hopefully he's working on himself as I am working on myself (I'm an anxious big time so this no contact is killing me lol) but hang in there! we deserve better and if they see that they'll work on themselves
This happened to me with an avoidant. My anxious attachment was triggered by their emotional unavailability and I became hooked. I was holding onto a perfect version of them in my head that was just not reality. It’s not worth it in the end no matter how good you think it is. Realize your worth and move on before it completely destroys you mentally.
You are describeing well. It so draining. Im secure and I realised our situation now after 17 yr. 😢no marriage . Hes 9 yr older. Has traumas, I dont know what to do. Its so many years. Im drained, also I think forst years I was idealising him😢😢
I would say that it was not your fault holding onto the perfect version of him. But more like he presented himself this way. Performed his best performance.
I think it's the feeling of wanting to conquer them. To make them fall for you after you realize no one can tame them
There may be something to that. It has crossed my mind, actually.
Yeah I don’t want to “lose” the game. I’m competitive
100 % picks up on the subconscious mind.Thats why I had on going anxiety and this intuitive feeling that something was just not right.
This was a good one. I am in my 50s and have NEVER experienced a connection like I did for my avoidant. I’ve been married and have had several long term relationships but this man is the love of my life. I knew it 6 weeks after meeting him. Unfortunately I had to walk away after 6 months because I couldn’t do the roller coaster. I think about him everyday and wonder if I’ll ever truly get over him.
This is my experience too, just how you described it
@@TexasAries4God bless you. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. Feels like catching an incurable disease and now you have to find a way to live with it and mitigate the damage forever.
Can u describe the Rollercoaster briefly please?
I had the same experience from a recently divorced woman in her 50's. She didn't do the roller coaster however it did feel like a rough train ride.
I feel your pain. I’m getting out of a 17 year relationship with an avoidant 😩
I admire your precision & your profound knowledge more than words can say...
Hearing you was actually the reincarnation of my relationship with my female dismissive avoidant (p.s. I am OF COURSE the anxious one!)
The "funny" thing is that although I've NEVER-EVER FELT so much pain in my entire life (p.s. I'm 45 years old),I cannot bear any grudge at her.I cannot hate her,I'm not going to retaliate or wait for retribution-nothing bad.
After living months in pitch black,I finally forgave her & I'm letting God to judge her.
I’ve decided that I won’t take any more avoidants into my life…it’s assured suffering!! Even if they seem “tempting” at the beginning, you can notice…for ex on Instagram chatting, or sharing info…they already begin with the intermittent reinforcement. They are “nice and chatty” when they want to, otherwise they go cold! So, NOPE.
They are both emotionally unavailable. It took a long time for me to realize that I was that, too in a different way. Chasing an avoidant is a form of avoidance. They are both running, mainly from themselves, from facing their pain and building a more secure self. Love would not solve their problems.
Agree
I thought the same…and same goes to…if you are with a person with serious problems and you stay, you have a problem too.
Exactly why i put my guard down 1st time in loooongg time...fckin sucks...but it only made me stronger in every single way, wasn't easy wont lie but lesson learned☝️
This is unbelievably accurate
Oh my God...this literally just played out for me exactly how you described it. Word for word. The initial love bombing, the addiction to it, feeling seen and understood, the making plans, the fade out, then a "dear John" text and full block. All in the span of a couple months. What a whirlwind. 😢 This video made me tear up.
This is what I needed to hear. People been telling me not to move on and wait for him because he is my twin flame. But I know what I felt when he abruptly discarded me 2 years ago, then I found your channel and learned a lot from your videos. But this one really accurate and within my reality. Thank you so much. This confirmed my resolve to not wait at all.
Even if he is your tf, it’s okay to move on and not wait for him. The tf journey is about ourselves anyway not about them.
@@ty-vy5brSo true.
Same same...tf label is toxic we suffer more because of it
@@TrisaPradnja well done you on keeping your boundary even against your friends. Twin flame,/soul mate is hallucinary in my opinion. Feel the feeling and let it go. Time heals us and they stay te same ❤️
Twin flame or not, don’t wait for someone who isn’t choosing you.
My ex FA and I were together four years, probably because I am 70%secure and 30%FA myself. I like my independence, also, and gave him his space. I kept my own life, and so did he. His fears and inability to communicate needs got the best of him. I gave him the breakup, no friendship, questions, or tears. I just moved on with my life. Sad.
The reason is intermittent reinforcement.
That drives you literally mad! Because you get strongly attached, even if you are consciously looking everything that’s happening.
@@denisecrystal_yoescribo YES! Intermittent reinforcement is powerful!
I just want to say i love the human mind. I like your videos. Keep up the healing work. You're gonna be big mark my word's. The world needs you!
You're actually putting out some good info on this topic. Well done and thanks. Thanks for the confirmation 👍
Your content is amazing.. thank you so much
Ryan thank you soo much, your efforts to explain all this means so much, thank you for help me figure out what's happening. It's kinda painful, but i believe it's gonna be ok. ❤
I feel attacked, 😂... absolutely dead center in the bullseye. Just Wow
Thank you. I finally understand what happened. Yes. I deserve better.
Sir, I’m so thankful to find your channel. I spent a year in isolation trying to understand what the hell happened. I’ve been watching your videos and it’s been 100% correct for who I spent 18months with. I’m almost 50 and I’ve dated many girls in those years but this one was like something I’ve never experienced.
It’s like when I called her out on her bullshit and told her she needs to deal with it she ran the next day. I honestly thought I found my life long partner before that happened. She
Went into a self destructive lifestyle for about 8 months then found a very unattractive partner who everyone says is the nicest guy. His wife just died of cancer two years ago so I can imagine with the way she love bombs he thinks his angel just arrived to pull him up? That’s gonna be one hell of a fall when it happens to him.
Not ur problem
This hits so hard, everything you said is 100%, i still have hope, i hope she sees this and hope she know we can do it together and not alone.
Great advice & insights! Ryan has an excellent way of describing feelings and thoughts that are often difficult to describe!
A gifted communicator!
You explain these types of things so well 😊
I really needed to hear this, thank you so much.
A friend of mine suggested I’m locked to the avoidant due to the rejection. Possibly idk, but it sucks and I need to release feelings for them so I can move on with life.
Same here
I would say that its not really about the rejection, at least for me its not. Its the mixed signals energy. It feels like a forbidden love. Like this person has feelings for you, you do too yet being together is impossible. If the person would tell you straight up "I dont like you, I feel nothing for you, Im not attracted to you." And you would know that this person believes what she says then it would be more easy to move on cause you would not feel appreciated and connected. But the fact that this person showed you signs of love and told you at the same time that it cant work for an unclear reason, it makes you fantasise, wonder and hope for this love and this is the harsh part which keeps you hooked.. you will be fine. Try to think that if its meant to be it will happen and otherwise it means that another nice connexion will be for you.
These avoidants are just Narcissits re packaged. Im seeing this on youtube as a trend with a lot of self help gurus. Old trend same issues that are "new" again.
@@blukatzen I dont really think so. I think they have some things in common with the love bombing phase but the narcissist doesnt care about hurting the other person, the avoidant feels guilt when he hurts.
@@blukatzen agreed, shitty people
You are helping me so much!🙏🏻❤️ God bless you!
Excellent my friend ! So good !
5:01 Twin flames are the most wounded among us, so yes, they would. They do. That's why the twin flame journey sucks so bad. Twin flames are not what people typically think of when they think of soulmates. People who aren't twin flames think that twin flames are the most intense and loving and romantic connection. Well, they are, but only after the pain and healing. Soulmates don't hurt each other like twin flames do, but they also don't love each other like twin flames do.
TWIN FLAMES ARE NOT ROMANTIC FAIRY TALES. THEY ARE HORROR STORIES. PERIOD.
I agree that a soulmate wouldn’t do what he said but a true twin flame absolutely would and will because it’s all part of the journey, which isn’t actually about the other person but about our own growth and healing.
It’s terrible that masculines whether in male or female body(mine is a female) can’t express emotions. Honestly we’ve all been hurt. The DFs have been absolutely crushed and we have trauma as well. I told my twin I loved her before I knew who she was. She enjoyed me loving her. I knew she did to she just never said it. The difference is when I found out who she was and she was still avoidant I just had to leave her. If you can’t love me properly then I have to chose myself. I’m worth more than breadcrumbs. Now she suffers in silence and we won’t be together in this life time. I just don’t want it. It’s been years. She took things too far.
You are so wise
Don’t believe in twin flames or soul mates. Just two people that might want the same things out of live giving 100/100 building and creating a relationship built on strong foundation. It is a form of manipulation. I probably Shouldn’t have watched so many hero movies🤔
Can't believe you actually mentioned the concept of twinflames in this video! Wow thank you
I do have an anxious disposition, but this last, most recent discard from an avoidant I have finally not done much blaming myself. The reason is she was holding back tears while she was doing it, her lower lip shaking at the same time her words sounded rehearsed as if reading from a note card, so I am pretty sure she hurt herself as much as me. I'm not sure if she knows she is a textbook fearful avoidant, but at times she has literally said the fears such as, "I don't ever want to be alone again," simultaneously pushing away and chancing that being alone again, ironically. I went no contact the next day, which strangely ended with her giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and unbeknownst to her have begun the process of re-enlisting in the Army so that my leaving for basic training will guarantee the rule stays firm now that I've begun studying this. After, I will return on leave and carefully give visiting her a try, then with a new career to put my life and income on more stable ground, and at closer parity with hers (she was my boss when we met), I wonder if we will rekindle. I also wonder if the demands of service for a few years with me coming and going will fit with her already established patterns, possibly even quite nicely until we can have a few conversations about someday developing more stable attachment.
They totally feel it, the pain of the breakup, any empath can verify that because we pick up on the other person's emotions. But I believe they are not aware that they can be in control of this thing and or don't know how. People don't always look for therapy either. In some cultures there's a stigma about getting therapy too, like there's something wrong with the person, and that's also one of the subconscious wounds. I'm just thankful there are these videos available, so people can get informed, also because not everyone can afford therapy sessions either.
Impressive story you have here.
Yes, not blaming yourself is wise.
Trust is a big issue in these dynamics I have learned.
How to convince them that for you it is woth the effort. That you want to be on the same team, against whatever issues, not against eachother. That you want to be the best you can be, in your life, for and with her. That you want her to be happy and healthy and thriving. That you want to contribute to her wellbeing.
I got rejected, sat there crying and only later I realised he had been crying with me, he had his face hidden behind a pillow. Only later I realised that his eyes had been so red, and why. If only then I would have said that we would make it. I was shy. Or anxious. Next time I'll be more real.
Intimacy is scary but serious. Love is thee highest form of friendship, someone said, and I agree.
It is really about trust and being on the same team.
Good Luck to you and feel free to react.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on my story
❤
It all just reminds me of that quote from the book, Dune, "Fear is the mind-killer. It is the little death that brings total obliteration..." Fear does some strange things to the brain, but so does anger, causing effects almost similar to being drunk. I think you and others here have learned to understand that reacting to these already irrational situations with either too much anger or sadness can therefore only add further irrationality, so in this crowd it sounds like we are agreeing to go with understanding and trust if not only in another person, but for ourselves when we are sure we did our best.
I learned my lesson on fear and panic as a teen growing up in Florida, getting trapped under a stack of hurricane shutters meant to protect windows -- these thin, aluminum sheets. They had razor sharp edges, were cutting into my stomach, and were too heavy to lift as a stack. I could see blood pooling beneath me and dreaded to think what I would see if I ever got out, but calling for help nobody was responding, and I don't know how long I sat there under those things trying to hold with all my might to keep the corner edges from cutting further. Finally, a sense of peace came over me once I couldn't yell any longer, and with that clearing of my mind from the fear the solution dawned on me like my dumba$$ should have seen the entire time: the full stack was heavy, but each sheet was just this paper-thin, lightweight bit of nothing. Simply sliding one off from the top at a time, in a matter of moments I had freed myself and laughed once realizing it hadn't been so bad all along, and even the cuts had been superficial. Basically, after freeing oneself from the fear of what may be going on or what might happen next, keywords being may and might, one instantly becomes more able to see what simply needs to be done; or so it would seem, and applying to both avoidant and recipient alike for their own reasons.
By extension, it only makes sense how until reaching clarity or no longer denying it, whichever comes first, this very same problem of fear-rooted blindness to the logical path likely fuels what an avoidant is doing, but also the person on the receiving end in a contagious sort of way. The solution? For each of us the day to day will be different, whether improving our circumstances or working on trust, etc., but it's becoming more obvious than ever through these conversations that for an avoidant a big way out of fear can be getting some space for a time. That's why I not only agree with coaches like on this channel to not take it personally, and assessments like yours to stay empathetic when others aren't so that the big picture can be seen from both sides, but it is pretty much the ONLY way to proceed. Anything else, as an analogy, would be just like staying trapped under a stack of hurricane shutters for way longer than necessary.
To end back at the beginning, the last half to that famous quote from Dune goes, "I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over and through me, and when it does I will turn my inner eye to see its path. When it is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Hi Coach Ryan…your insights are very helpful. I’m making sense of a lot of things with your help.
How long does it take until you finally feel free and stop associating everything in your life with your ex? Until you free your thoughts from her world and don't miss her so much that you reminisce, feel pain, and experience incredible nostalgia? I know that over time and with self-improvement it diminishes, but does this unbearable feeling ever go away completely? Will I ever be able to see another girl and live my life again without feeling connected to my ex or feeling guilty or that there's an unfulfilled love? Do you understand what I mean? I imagine this question troubles many people around the world.
You are not alone
I’m there too. We are strongly attached to a fantasy, or an illusion of “what could have been” projected with the good moments. Best way to release the pain, it’s just to feel it, and go through it. And then, what can help and what you do with a narc, it’s to do a “Sobriety List”, meaning, all the times she/he failed to showed up, lied to you, or betrayed you, or or the bad qualities so you can stand on reality and not on a fantasy.
@@denisecrystal_yoescribo You said everything very specifically and correctly! it's an illusion of the brain..you miss the version of us and everything we were and experienced with the person..as you say, give it time and let it all go through until it stops..and the best thing is with time we should mentally go through the negative things to remind ourselves why it should be like that and why it just didn't work anymore...but the question still remains...even in a very bad toxic relationship, can you one day be so liberated that it doesn't hurts more or you don't feel unfulfilled love? Will everything go away one day and just remain a memory without it hurting?
@@georgetiakas28 Thank you! I believe that if you want the hurt to go, you have to stop resisting it!! you know...when it hurts so bad and you just want it to stop! Osho says, you have to feel it all to the end. So...instead of resisting it, create a sacred space for it, and feel it all!!! even if it takes a year or 2...honor it, because if it hurts it's your truth, it's telling you *What you wanted and needed from your heart!! and didn't get in this relationship. That doesn't mean you are not going to get it, but it's your compass, showing you what you are really longing for, AND IT'S VALID!!...and that's a good sign. To not stay in toxicity, even if it cracks you open, is also a good sign. You disadapted to it!! One has NOT "to be well adapted" to lies, betrayal and dysfunction of any kind. Hope it helps.
@@denisecrystal_yoescribo thank you very much for your encouraging and true words! she had already had trauma from other exes before...she was unstable and I was insecure with her because she drank a lot...that led to me not respecting her and being often selfish and absolute...and always arguing and insecure. I also made mistakes because I still had typical contact with my ex back then because of our dog..she didn't want it and it was always chaos..her pattern: at the beginning she loved me like crazy and showed me love and I did too but more relaxed..in the end she said, I traumatized her and you've lost a very good woman and you won't find anyone like her etc..all manipulation which really got me down..twice contact after the separation and both times she rejected me very harshly with words like: I don't feel comfortable with you, no more feelings and no attraction and you can find a new love, I've moved on..
For me this was my best friend who actually was my twin. She didn’t love bomb she was genuine n relaxed with me because there was no relationship. She did try to come on to me but I didn’t accept it because I saw she was just about a good time. It didn’t mean I didn’t love her but I loved our friendship. Until one day she just ghosted because I said I was moving. She left me before I could her.
This is exactly what happened to me to the T.
This is so good ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for your guidance ❤
Great video, that's exactly how it is. Thank you.
So if I understand correctly, don't take the lovebombing seriously and wait until about 8 months have passed. Then if they haven't slow-faded or dumped me they're legit relationship material? So long as I've shown mutual interest too all this time. It just seems too difficult to know beforehand if someone is going to turn out to be avoidant. If they know and they're working on themselves, that's ok I'm prepared to take the risk getting involved. But if they don't know? And then their stress-flee-escape thing kicks in after 7 months? Idk if I want to go through that again. I'd be prepared to take my ex back but only because I know him, and he'd have to let me know he's aware of what this thing is, and the effect it has, otherwise...
The love bombing , anxiety , non communicative are all signs of a DA
ALSO
8 months is not the magic number
Anxious: Scott
Avoidant: Ramona
Hello there. Your channel was recommended to me today, and I am very grateful that it was. I am thoroughly enjoying your content, and it is very much speaking to me. If you don't mind however, may I please ask you to increase your recording volume a bit. I'm not sure if it's just me, but your audio is really low on my end, even with the volume increased to the maximum level. You're sharing very important information, so I wouldn't want for any of it to go unheard. Wishing you a wonderful rest of the week.
TF are catalysts into the most intense healing you will ever experience. Its not about would a Tf do this to you? I agree with the theory that Tf’s will trigger a kundalini awakening and heart centre awakening and your healing and spiritual path will intensify.
Exactly what I thought. Yes TF can walk away to do some inner work and then come back. It's a painful experience but eventually shows us what we need to work on. My avoidant is my TF and I know about it not because of live bombing or other stuff. Just how life always puts us on the same path. Even when we try to separate something always happens and we're in the same place or have to work together. My avoidant never love bombed me. We were the best friends and one day realised we were in love. Moreover, he was married then. He didn't want to leave his marriage. I walked away from this friendship. And after several months his wife walked away from him. It then even triggered his fears more. He's He's the most typical fearful avoidant and all goes back to his childhood. But divorce only made things worse. We're still on and off and I'm very tired already. But I know he can heal and he'll never do it if he doesn't find any motivation. We're in no contact at the minute (again) and I really got lost what's next.
I left a pretty crappy response to this video for multiple emotional reasons. Shedding light I believe we are all heart felt individuals inspired by our soul soldier…not thieves in the night but true souls and individuals looking at the very best essence of familiarities that compliment us not complicate us. Bind and solve life’s mess.
I feel a deep connection with my DA. I think he does too were in sort of no contact rn we chat online but I let him send a message first.
There seems to be a misunderstanding of what a twin flame is supposed to be. Nobody can make anybody feel like they are their twin flame. It's there, unavoidable, and cannot be made. You recognize something at the first interaction. It's not something that can be built over time. The connection doesn't required anything done in the 3D world - it was already established. If love bombing results in making someone feels like that person is their twin flame, they are not your twin flame. I get the point of this video, but let's make sure we use the word twin flame correctly.
Nobody knows what twin flames are really about unless you have been forced to experience it yourself
Exactly. While twin flames can love bomb and display avoidant and narcissistic traits you can’t mistake the connection. It’s completely different than a regular relationship.
That is me 😢
But... does that mean they feel it too? It's not fake? They're not pretending? It feels scary that sth like that would get by me
We do. We also really regret having to cut someone off if we loved them.
If someone is hurting someone else on purpose, like planning it, and they don't care, and they laugh and tell you to wash your face, that's a narc dear.
Avoidants be like
Oh I’m scared of being abandoned so I’m going to leave for another short term thing thus inflicting what I fear.
@@renamamiya9196 could you please explain why you feel the need to cut off then?
Is it a control thing? Fear of the unknown? Too much risk for hurt?
Like "I better inflict hurt upon myself and the other by cutting this off before it can grow into something that would hurt me more if I lost it" ?
🙏🏝🏵
@@Liza-Loves-YouIt's out of fear. We believe we are unlovable, and that we will let you down at some point or that you will find someone better.
When things become too overwhelming or there's a lot of conflict within a relationship, we typically choose other things over it, such as our career and hobbies. I've always regretted cutting off those I loved later on though, and made amends with a few of them in recent years.
That's not true , look like you don't understand how an attachment person feels at all
😮😮😮..you must be blinded