Something I wish you covered..is their resistance to hearing their partners needs and wants.. they get super uncomfortable and act like they are under attack when you express a neeed, shut down, push you away and run away, and act as if its an attack or an impossible ask. To learn to lean into their partner instead of running away. It's you and me against a problem. Not against each other.
Even if you're lucky enough to be with someone who is intimately aware of their avoidant behavior patterns, it makes it all the more devastating when they are not willing to put in effort and work like the excellent steps laid out in this video to address the issues and improve/repair/save the relationship
You can’t change others. There are millions of people in the world who are actualy interested in connecting. Wishing for a fish to be a bird is a form of insanity
In the last year and a half, I have dated two avoidant partners, the first I cannot broach the subject with and finally broke up after I saw I started acting like an anxious. Within a few months I met another avoidant but this one seems ready to work with me. He is a man of few words, but when the chips are down and I want to communicate, I have been happily surprised that he s-l-o-w-l-y and frankly talks back to me, doesn’t shut down and disappear for a while. Such a huge difference in how happy I am. The other guy, I love, but he’s not ready and it’s useless to try until he is, and who knows when that will be? I’m in my 60’s and don’t have that kind of time nor do I want to suffer every day.
I really like how you discussed the importance of understanding that avoidance is not an intellectual choice. It is first and foremost a nervous system response to discomfort.... Discomfort that closeness or intimacy creates. This concept is something I believe most avoidants don't understand. They think they can "will" themselves into making different choices using reason, but they will always have way more intellectual responses keeping them stuck rather than acting differently and leaning into the discomfort. I've seen friends' eyes glaze over and almost dissociate when I suggest they engage in conversation where they share their needs or express their internal world. You would think I've asked them to play a game of Russian Roulette. Have you worked with any men whose resistance to closeness is so strong that they refuse to even try to engage in relationships? Their resistance has become the stories that keep them from asking someone out: "I'm not a relationship kind of person". "I don't like to compromise". "He/she is too young.... too old.... not good looking enough.... too good looking.... etc." They honestly believe these stories they tell themselves. The stories are the resistance that keep them from EVEN TRYING. I would love for you to do a video that speaks to THESE men. They can't even take the first step in order to start doing the things in this video.
I realize now that I'm older, I don't desire or need to desire to be close to people with whom I don't want to. Some people who are avoidant become self -aware and realize that previous relationships were based on people pleasing. We may have to consider at some point to stop categorizing people in these neat little attachment style boxes because there are many nuances.
I am one of the men you describe below. I didn't know I had an avoidant attachment style until I started to have off days in my current relationship.. The negative thoughts become way louder than the positive ones and I'd want to shutdown, disconnect and flee.. This of course hurts her and then I feel bad.. I want to offer her more reassurance..
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this video. The whole time I felt like you were talking about me. I have deep on me each of these avoidant behaviors and unfortunately I see them destroying my relationships, even when I have an incredible and amazing healthy and secure partner by my side. Thank God (and to a lot of inner work and research) I got into a point where I can recognize when my avoidant behaviors are making me auto-sabotage again. I can see the behaviors now without associate to them. But something you mentioned here and it's true is: ITS EXTREMELY UMCOMFORTABLE to brake the patterns and act different, its a body resistance. I feel like I am gonna pass out or have a panic attack when I need do an action that goes into opposite of my avoidant behaviors. When I need to reply a message that I am avoiding just to break my pattern and intentionally do the reconnection. Even if deep within me I know its the right thing to do, ITS SOOOO HARD AND UMCOMFORTABLE. But something you said here and its my biggest take away from this video is: "where you feel resistance, is where you need to go.". I will keep sitting with this discomfort and defeating it step by step. I dream about becoming a secure attachment style, to match my partners frequency and behaviors and you gave me hope that I can do it. Thank you Connor.
What a great video! Truly eye opening. I now realize that I used to act in a secure way, but for too long with a girl that was very chaotic and ultimately bad for me. My needs weren't met; in fact, they weren't even considered. When it finally ended, I shut down hard and adopted an avoidant mindset (I assume to avoid repeating a similar painful experience). Now I'm with someone wonderful and I have a hard time overcoming the strong resistance that took root in my mind and body. Definitely working on that, but it's a long process. Wish me luck folks.
Good luck! Just from this comment alone, you have a way of articulating your experience that inspires understanding and compassion - if you feel safe sharing some of that with them, I bet it would be well received.
THANK YOU for this, in the name of all secures that love avoidants and hopefully, in the name of all avoidants that struggle to let love happens and heals🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
My predominant attachment style is secure, but I've noticed that I become more avoidant with an anxious person. Although it's not intentional, the anxious person's need for closeness oversteps my boundaries and robs me of my need for freedom and autonomy. I create emotional and physical distance from them and inadvertently hurt them. I understand that my need for closeness and their need for closeness are not the same.
Thank you, thank you so much for this real and raw info! I just bawled and let a lot of pain go. My husband and I love each other so much but after a year of marriage he told me he was suffocating and couldn’t be married. He sobbed and told me that he loved me and even liked me so much that it blows him away sometimes. He said it wasn’t me, it was him. I feel hope and pray that he will find his way to this education. I want to send it but I told him I would not contact him because I’m healing. There has to be a way!!! This is so possible in contrast to the crazy confusion I’ve been feeling. Thank God for your willingness to teach!!!! Your ability to be vulnerable and real!!! Bravo you!!!
In the video advice number 2 if there is a disconnect be the one to reconnect. Some of our avoidance attachments are us needing someone to lead the reconnect. May not have been taught the skills or have the thought process about responsibilities accounting to do so. Love to you and yours. I prayer your healing. This title and help video God blessed me to access and self access account too. I am taking notes so I can fix my own issues and heal too. Somehow reading your comment I would think, reconnect it and share what you're experiencing. In your healing you feel ____ ___ __ and you actively seek resolve ____ you think of them___ and reasons of why desire to share this study video... Peace and blessings 🙌 🙏 ✨️ ❤
Im an avoidant female in a relationship w a secure man. Listening to this was HARD pills to swallow Like you said, this attachment style is definitely ingrained in our nervous system, i felt the discomfort in my body thru the whole video, but I know what you're saying is true and necessary in order for things to work. Ugh! 😭
I'm anxiously attached and my bf is "avoidant" so I appreciate this video so I can more understand why my partner is avoidant but I'm understanding now so thank you.❤
I do this when it comes to having a job. After years and years of unempoyment today I signed the document for a new job. I just have to face this. No other way.
My avoidant already does these things. What he doesn't do is: A. Have conversations with me (he'll talk to the neighbors for hours) B. Make time for me. Hell make every excuse why he's too busy, even though we live together C. Be alone with me. That's when he becomes uncomfortable and fights occur Or if he does, he's exhausted and will fall asleep because he's stayed awake for days.
Although I seem to show up a more anxious in my primary relationship, after listening to you I feel like I have a more avoidant dominant theme that drives so much of my behavior. Thanks for the wisdom.
EXCELLENT! ❤ One of the rare videos with practical, well and simply explained steps. And it's feasible, as you open up the Pandora box with the fears and resistance that avoidants have to face on their way to becoming emotionslly secure, connected to their authentic self - and their partner as a result. ❤
Great work Connor! It’s interesting how I’ve arrived at this understanding through my own self work. I started to choose “showing up” wherever I was avoiding. So if it was a difficult conversation or my real hurt feelings or real opinion on someone to keep a lid on things, I started to move towards expressing those feelings and opinions and facing the discomfort and the consequences.. this has made me self assured. Like I can navigate damn near anything if I can only allow myself the space to move through the discomfort. I’m also trying to detach from my stories and my “I told you so” to myself, “I knew it” moments. This journey is so incredibly rewarding. I’m less scared of people now or having to deal with them hehe..
This is an Excellent Video, read your email and wanted to learn more on this specifically for myself because I can be very avoidant in many situations…I’m in the middle of being disconnected right now and yes, I’m a woman😫. Love that you do this work and inspired by you always. Looking forward when I get to where you are in serving Men. But obviously there’s more work to be done with myself. Namaste. 🙏🏽🔥
Connor! Thank you so much for this! I shared it on X! For me, I’ve been noticing I was more anxious towards men I might date - but I am always looking at Spiritual connection with God too! So I notice anxious AND avoidant behavior with God. Trying to please or over give - anxiously trying to secure the relationship - Or WATCH that last step you mentioned! “Move from self protection to relational reliance” I wrote that in my journal to practice with God! We often project onto God what we experienced emotionally in childhood! I’ve been a psychologist for over 20 years now, I wanted to say personally - THANK YOU! I’m finding so much value in your videos! I have two sons and two brothers I grew up with! I’m healing lots of my own emotional baggage + internalized thoughts by the help of your work here! TY! 💯
I would appreciate you elaborating on the "red flags, secure person" anecdote in the beginning. As an avoidant I find that flagging people can be an hypervigilant way of avoiding commitment and closeness, but it can alternatively be a crucial means of avoiding commitment and investment into true red flag, insecure people that are not interested in owning their issues and getting better. How can an avoidant distinguish between true and false alarms...? Especially if the other person might gaslight you about their part of the issue, but may also be genuinely simply different than you...
very good points. however, as an intj gent, I’d say that dismissive avoidance towards quasi 100% xx.ine incarnations of redflag comes as completely functionally rational self-preservation | guarding against major source of detriment altogether - and as something that one should congratulate oneself to have come to, eventually (eg in view of xx.s featuring | merely implying pervasive infestations by gyn.fasc hivemind, zombification in terms of bonding-incapability by bodycounts, certainty of at best opportunistic hypergamous attachment on verge to monkeybranching on whim whatsoever). in cutting across and off romantic delusions, JOMO on entailments of urge-driven committed self-in-wastement to unworthy | unyielding pursuits comes to be appreciated sincerily.
exaactly. I was thinking the same when he said these apply to when you are in love with someone. I have a hard time telling if its a deactivating strategy of my avoidance (me beeing too strict and searching for flaws) or a true sign of someone is not good for me.
You explain how to rely and be vulnerable. But would be great to teach avoidant how to set up healthy boundaries versus the toxic one we create by default
I found that I had a strongly anxious attachment style for my first 25+ years of life (only realizing it after a divorce), and I had to move through a long period of avoidant attachment to finally summit Secure Attachment Mountain. While I built my own sense of self and purpose, and what you've called emotional sovereignty, it felt unsafe to connect too deeply as if my newly formed self would be threatened. Now in my wonderful partnership I am able to take your advice and express the pull-away or the shut-down, but people have told me they had to similarly lean into a more avoidant frame to move out of anxious attachment. Curious how common that progression is?
IMHO, after having their needs not met so often, people with other insecure attachment styles may become avoidant as a coping strategy. It's so much easier not to rely on others to meet your needs and to be hurt and disappointed when they don't. The best way to become more securely attached is to be in relationships/friendships with securely attached people because they are the embodiment of psychological safety.
@@v9b23j Framing it as a coping strategy is helpful and points to the fact that I (and maybe others) was still coming at it from a place of reactivity, until I could address my resistance to secure attachment. Thank you for the thoughtful response!
@@hearttalkscoach My pleasure We have a need to be seen, heard, and understood. And when we're not, our nervous system senses danger and reacts in ways that try to protect us (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) despite they maybe maladaptive. I believe that recognizing our reactivity, being curious about where it's coming from, and having compassion for ourselves and our partner/others will help us become "earned secure".
I think the main problem with avoidants is vulnerability. Its hard for us to feel painful emotions and we avoid them. I tried what auggested in this video. Unfortunately it creates a dynamics that still reinforce the pattern. Putting a mask on does not make you feel different. The suggestions would probably help to have a somehow ok relationship, but will not change what you feel. To do that, as an avoidant you need to step out from your need of security and control. You need to live the insecurity and learn to feel it. Not run away from it.
well… the main problem was with what factored into ones’ attachment avoidance to stabilise as functional response in the first place. and assuming you write from a gent’s perspective, what you describe reads to me (an intj gent) like totally healthy psychosomatic immune reaction against urge-driven self-destruction, and contracting infestation with cognitive dissonance. however I’d suggest to just (continue to) refrain from gaslighting ourselves in line with gyn.cent matrix baiting, for the very sakes of ours. appreciate JOMO on those virtually 100% xx.ine incarnations of redflag, readily registered as such.
I am way past the point in my life of having a relationship, but I find this very interesting. Maybe this would have been helpful when I was young and dating. (I stopped dating because it was such a waste of time.) But I do not understand being responsible for the reconnection. If there is a "disconnection" that seems like an indication that you are not suitable for each other. It does not make sense to try to force things. I watched my parents torture each other for years when they should have just divorced. We were all miserable. Expose your needs? What needs? I never knew I had any. Relational reliance sounds good, but the person has demonstrate reliability. I never saw that.
Send this to someone I dated for a long time because she was exactly like this. I still care about her deeply but until she sorts all the things Connor says it will be massively difficult for someone to connect with her.
Step 2 - I would argue being the initiator is good BUT if it is always the avoidant who do it then I personally build up resentment out of how unfair it feels…
Veru useful video! I am actually n anxiosly attached womand and have an avoidant partner. He is so avoidant that he does not even listen when I talk about childhood traumas about me. He had I believe a father he misses a lot who was a CEO of many companies and was not present really in their life as he "had to work so hard". He idealises his father who was not fizically or emotionally present most of the time and who unfortunately passed away at a fairly young age. Now my partner is a workoholic and hides behind his work without knowing what he wants to achieve in life. Any helpful thoughts on how to approach this. He avoids my cries for closer realtionship after 7 years as partners. Thanks
Is there a chance that it would help matters by sending a video like this to a fearful avoidant BF who has recently ghosted you for unknown reasons after one year of dating? He has been under stress in his life not related to me and I’m very confused and extremely hurt about his ghosting behavior. But I want to help and I don’t want to lose him. I have watched a lot of vids over the years on avoidants so I did recognize the occasional tendencies in him and I learned how to respond to his behaviors in better ways. But this ghosting is over the top for him.
well… as an intj gent, I’d say that dismissive avoidance towards quasi 100% xx.ine incarnations of redflag comes as completely functionally rational self-preservation | guarding against major detriment altogether - and as something that one should congratulate oneself to have come to (eg in view of xx.s featuring pervasive infestations by gyn.fasc hivemind, zombification in terms of bonding-incapability by bodycounts, certainty of at best opportunistic hypergamous attachment on verge to monkeybranching on whim whatsoever). I deliberately refuse to gaslight myself on any that latter, and in cutting across and off romantic delusions, JOMO on adverse entailments of urge-driven committed self-in-wastement to unworthy | unyielding pursuits comes to be appreciated sincerily.
What if you’re in a long term relationship( 9 yrs) and you come to find she is a BPD or NPD and you’ve been in a emotional abusive relationship for years and years?? And then you become avoidant again, I was before when I was 21 went through treatment and therapy, 31 now and after this relationship I have become avoidant again after leaving her. She would never acknowledge my needs and when I brought them up I was guilted and shamed repeatedly, by the end I spend 14-15hrs a day trying my hardest to meet her needs, while mine were still ignored and shamed. I was diagnosed as a dissociative empath when i first went to therapy and they warned me about getting into a codependent relationship, and I ended up in one within 2 months 🤦♂️ 9 years later I’m right back where I was at 21-22, but with 2 kids… now I feel like can’t fully leave her.
well… that ‘feeling like’ needs to be up-rooted. as for ‘her’ of course, not as for your kids. and yes, dismissive attachment avoidance does make for (acquired) healthy immune response to redflags register everwhere. don’t gaslight yourself away from that, in line with gyn.cent matrix manipulations (as in gyn.cent psy.thrp fabrications).
As a guy, I'm the anxious one and my (unofficial) girlfriend is an anxious avoidant. We've known each other for 4 months now. She has no idea about attachment styles and I haven't brought up the subject. Do you have any advice on how I can open her eyes without hurting her?
What is the feminine role early on? Like I don’t like a ton of texting. I prefer a phone call for male leadership and consistency I feel weird not following his leadership, so if he isn’t consistent in the beginning and setting up the first date and second date.,. I lose interest If he calls, sets it up, we go out, we communicate our intentions and interests and he sets up second date, then I will ask him the best times to call him and what’s our texting styles. Then I will reciprocate communication. Some guys dating multiple women are expecting women to be more aggressive and compete and do the calls and text or they say they feel no interest. Either he is or isn’t…
I have known of an avoidant, very disconnected, an island of mystery and a bundle of socially acceptable jokes and banal platitudes; a deep fear of expressing original ideas. Yet… very very willing to continually ask others for favours etc. 🧐
I enjoy this channel but I have to disagree that anybody can become fully secure who wasn't before. At the most you can have one foot in and one foot out
What is the difference between avoidant and issue of no trust in your partner. If I am anxious but months into it I think he is in love with someone else and I am a place holder until her husband dies, I do these things. Am I avoidant or…?
If you're avoidant with romantic partners you're likely avoidant with everyone. Nearly everything here is applicable to your familial relations and friendships. Whether you ever end up with a woman or not you can use this to find love and connection in other areas. And doing so makes finding a romantic partner easier and more likely.
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Great video, I’m a professional thumbnail designer, and I love creating designs that grab attention and increase clicks. If you ever need fresh thumbnails to match your awesome content, I’d be happy to help out. Keep up the amazing work!
Something I wish you covered..is their resistance to hearing their partners needs and wants.. they get super uncomfortable and act like they are under attack when you express a neeed, shut down, push you away and run away, and act as if its an attack or an impossible ask. To learn to lean into their partner instead of running away. It's you and me against a problem. Not against each other.
Even if you're lucky enough to be with someone who is intimately aware of their avoidant behavior patterns, it makes it all the more devastating when they are not willing to put in effort and work like the excellent steps laid out in this video to address the issues and improve/repair/save the relationship
That's me and my wife. I'm going to therapy while she is pushing me to ask for divorce. Nothing makes her understand that she needs help as well
But that reflects on them, not you.
@@itsunoshiyuga Yikes, that sounds horrible. Best of luck mate, I hope it ends well.
You can’t change others. There are millions of people in the world who are actualy interested in connecting.
Wishing for a fish to be a bird is a form of insanity
In the last year and a half, I have dated two avoidant partners, the first I cannot broach the subject with and finally broke up after I saw I started acting like an anxious. Within a few months I met another avoidant but this one seems ready to
work with me. He is a man of few words, but
when the chips are down and I want to communicate, I have been happily surprised that he s-l-o-w-l-y and frankly talks back
to me, doesn’t shut
down and disappear for a while. Such a huge difference in how happy I am. The other guy, I love, but he’s not ready and it’s useless to try until he is, and who knows when that will be? I’m in my 60’s and don’t have that kind of time nor do I want to suffer every day.
I am a woman with this problem. I am even avoiding dating. Thank you for this information. Is very helpful.
I love the actions that can be taken immediately- change behavior then thoughts are changed and self pride should come into existence.
Exactly
I really like how you discussed the importance of understanding that avoidance is not an intellectual choice. It is first and foremost a nervous system response to discomfort.... Discomfort that closeness or intimacy creates. This concept is something I believe most avoidants don't understand. They think they can "will" themselves into making different choices using reason, but they will always have way more intellectual responses keeping them stuck rather than acting differently and leaning into the discomfort. I've seen friends' eyes glaze over and almost dissociate when I suggest they engage in conversation where they share their needs or express their internal world. You would think I've asked them to play a game of Russian Roulette.
Have you worked with any men whose resistance to closeness is so strong that they refuse to even try to engage in relationships? Their resistance has become the stories that keep them from asking someone out: "I'm not a relationship kind of person". "I don't like to compromise". "He/she is too young.... too old.... not good looking enough.... too good looking.... etc." They honestly believe these stories they tell themselves. The stories are the resistance that keep them from EVEN TRYING. I would love for you to do a video that speaks to THESE men. They can't even take the first step in order to start doing the things in this video.
I realize now that I'm older, I don't desire or need to desire to be close to people with whom I don't want to. Some people who are avoidant become self -aware and realize that previous relationships were based on people pleasing. We may have to consider at some point to stop categorizing people in these neat little attachment style boxes because there are many nuances.
I am one of the men you describe below. I didn't know I had an avoidant attachment style until I started to have off days in my current relationship.. The negative thoughts become way louder than the positive ones and I'd want to shutdown, disconnect and flee.. This of course hurts her and then I feel bad.. I want to offer her more reassurance..
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this video. The whole time I felt like you were talking about me.
I have deep on me each of these avoidant behaviors and unfortunately I see them destroying my relationships, even when I have an incredible and amazing healthy and secure partner by my side.
Thank God (and to a lot of inner work and research) I got into a point where I can recognize when my avoidant behaviors are making me auto-sabotage again. I can see the behaviors now without associate to them. But something you mentioned here and it's true is: ITS EXTREMELY UMCOMFORTABLE to brake the patterns and act different, its a body resistance. I feel like I am gonna pass out or have a panic attack when I need do an action that goes into opposite of my avoidant behaviors. When I need to reply a message that I am avoiding just to break my pattern and intentionally do the reconnection. Even if deep within me I know its the right thing to do, ITS SOOOO HARD AND UMCOMFORTABLE.
But something you said here and its my biggest take away from this video is: "where you feel resistance, is where you need to go.". I will keep sitting with this discomfort and defeating it step by step.
I dream about becoming a secure attachment style, to match my partners frequency and behaviors and you gave me hope that I can do it. Thank you Connor.
What a great video! Truly eye opening.
I now realize that I used to act in a secure way, but for too long with a girl that was very chaotic and ultimately bad for me. My needs weren't met; in fact, they weren't even considered. When it finally ended, I shut down hard and adopted an avoidant mindset (I assume to avoid repeating a similar painful experience).
Now I'm with someone wonderful and I have a hard time overcoming the strong resistance that took root in my mind and body. Definitely working on that, but it's a long process.
Wish me luck folks.
Good luck mate !!
@@TheHonzaPohl Thanks mate
Good luck! Just from this comment alone, you have a way of articulating your experience that inspires understanding and compassion - if you feel safe sharing some of that with them, I bet it would be well received.
THANK YOU for this, in the name of all secures that love avoidants and hopefully, in the name of all avoidants that struggle to let love happens and heals🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
My predominant attachment style is secure, but I've noticed that I become more avoidant with an anxious person. Although it's not intentional, the anxious person's need for closeness oversteps my boundaries and robs me of my need for freedom and autonomy. I create emotional and physical distance from them and inadvertently hurt them. I understand that my need for closeness and their need for closeness are not the same.
I needed to hear this.
Thank you, thank you so much for this real and raw info!
I just bawled and let a lot of pain go.
My husband and I love each other so much but after a year of marriage he told me he was suffocating and couldn’t be married. He sobbed and told me that he loved me and even liked me so much that it blows him away sometimes.
He said it wasn’t me, it was him.
I feel hope and pray that he will find his way to this education.
I want to send it but I told him I would not contact him because I’m healing.
There has to be a way!!! This is so possible in contrast to the crazy confusion I’ve been feeling. Thank God for your willingness to teach!!!! Your ability to be vulnerable and real!!! Bravo you!!!
In the video advice number 2 if there is a disconnect be the one to reconnect.
Some of our avoidance attachments are us needing someone to lead the reconnect. May not have been taught the skills or have the thought process about responsibilities accounting to do so.
Love to you and yours. I prayer your healing.
This title and help video God blessed me to access and self access account too.
I am taking notes so I can fix my own issues and heal too.
Somehow reading your comment I would think, reconnect it and share what you're experiencing. In your healing you feel ____ ___ __ and you actively seek resolve ____ you think of them___ and reasons of why desire to share this study video...
Peace and blessings 🙌 🙏 ✨️ ❤
I’ll send it to him!!!!
Im an avoidant female in a relationship w a secure man. Listening to this was HARD pills to swallow Like you said, this attachment style is definitely ingrained in our nervous system, i felt the discomfort in my body thru the whole video, but I know what you're saying is true and necessary in order for things to work. Ugh! 😭
I'm anxiously attached and my bf is "avoidant" so I appreciate this video so I can more understand why my partner is avoidant but I'm understanding now so thank you.❤
Would love to see a video on when the avoidant is the one that gets broken up with and if this is part of the move to secure
I needed this a lot. Thank you for helping us understand and navigate this
Thank you for the video. I love the autocorrect idea.
I do this when it comes to having a job. After years and years of unempoyment today I signed the document for a new job. I just have to face this. No other way.
Thanks for your reflections from Florence - Italy
This was very helpful and interesting. I am a female fearful avoident. Thank you.
I love stories about how people changed their attachment style
My avoidant already does these things. What he doesn't do is:
A. Have conversations with me (he'll talk to the neighbors for hours)
B. Make time for me. Hell make every excuse why he's too busy, even though we live together
C. Be alone with me. That's when he becomes uncomfortable and fights occur Or if he does, he's exhausted and will fall asleep because he's stayed awake for days.
Awesome video and great practical advice. 🤘🏼
Anytime, thanks for tuning in!
Although I seem to show up a more anxious in my primary relationship, after listening to you I feel like I have a more avoidant dominant theme that drives so much of my behavior. Thanks for the wisdom.
EXCELLENT! ❤ One of the rare videos with practical, well and simply explained steps. And it's feasible, as you open up the Pandora box with the fears and resistance that avoidants have to face on their way to becoming emotionslly secure, connected to their authentic self - and their partner as a result. ❤
I sooo appreciate this video and all of your videos! Thank you for taking the to make these and break it down in this way🙏🏽
Great work Connor! It’s interesting how I’ve arrived at this understanding through my own self work. I started to choose “showing up” wherever I was avoiding. So if it was a difficult conversation or my real hurt feelings or real opinion on someone to keep a lid on things, I started to move towards expressing those feelings and opinions and facing the discomfort and the consequences.. this has made me self assured. Like I can navigate damn near anything if I can only allow myself the space to move through the discomfort. I’m also trying to detach from my stories and my “I told you so” to myself, “I knew it” moments. This journey is so incredibly rewarding. I’m less scared of people now or having to deal with them hehe..
Excellent reminders of how to break the habit of being who we’re being. So good! Thank you 🙏🏼
So good! I’m the avoidant woman and this was very helpful!
been waiting for this one thank you
Love this series Conor!! Thank you 🙌
This is an Excellent Video, read your email and wanted to learn more on this specifically for myself because I can be very avoidant in many situations…I’m in the middle of being disconnected right now and yes, I’m a woman😫. Love that you do this work and inspired by you always. Looking forward when I get to where you are in serving Men. But obviously there’s more work to be done with myself. Namaste. 🙏🏽🔥
Connor! Thank you so much for this! I shared it on X!
For me, I’ve been noticing I was more anxious towards men I might date - but I am always looking at Spiritual connection with God too! So I notice anxious AND avoidant behavior with God. Trying to please or over give - anxiously trying to secure the relationship -
Or WATCH that last step you mentioned! “Move from self protection to relational reliance”
I wrote that in my journal to practice with God!
We often project onto God what we experienced emotionally in childhood!
I’ve been a psychologist for over 20 years now, I wanted to say personally - THANK YOU! I’m finding so much value in your videos!
I have two sons and two brothers I grew up with! I’m healing lots of my own emotional baggage + internalized thoughts by the help of your work here! TY! 💯
17:01 17:20 17:21 17:22 18:16
This is really helpful thank you!👍🎖️
I would appreciate you elaborating on the "red flags, secure person" anecdote in the beginning. As an avoidant I find that flagging people can be an hypervigilant way of avoiding commitment and closeness, but it can alternatively be a crucial means of avoiding commitment and investment into true red flag, insecure people that are not interested in owning their issues and getting better. How can an avoidant distinguish between true and false alarms...? Especially if the other person might gaslight you about their part of the issue, but may also be genuinely simply different than you...
very good points. however, as an intj gent, I’d say that dismissive avoidance towards quasi 100% xx.ine incarnations of redflag comes as completely functionally rational self-preservation | guarding against major source of detriment altogether - and as something that one should congratulate oneself to have come to, eventually (eg in view of xx.s featuring | merely implying pervasive infestations by gyn.fasc hivemind, zombification in terms of bonding-incapability by bodycounts, certainty of at best opportunistic hypergamous attachment on verge to monkeybranching on whim whatsoever). in cutting across and off romantic delusions, JOMO on entailments of urge-driven committed self-in-wastement to unworthy | unyielding pursuits comes to be appreciated sincerily.
Wtf...!?
exaactly. I was thinking the same when he said these apply to when you are in love with someone. I have a hard time telling if its a deactivating strategy of my avoidance (me beeing too strict and searching for flaws) or a true sign of someone is not good for me.
100% true and very helpful for DA
Excellent video. Thank you. I’m just discovering I am a female avoidant personality
Thank you
You're welcome!
You explain how to rely and be vulnerable. But would be great to teach avoidant how to set up healthy boundaries versus the toxic one we create by default
I found that I had a strongly anxious attachment style for my first 25+ years of life (only realizing it after a divorce), and I had to move through a long period of avoidant attachment to finally summit Secure Attachment Mountain. While I built my own sense of self and purpose, and what you've called emotional sovereignty, it felt unsafe to connect too deeply as if my newly formed self would be threatened. Now in my wonderful partnership I am able to take your advice and express the pull-away or the shut-down, but people have told me they had to similarly lean into a more avoidant frame to move out of anxious attachment. Curious how common that progression is?
IMHO, after having their needs not met so often, people with other insecure attachment styles may become avoidant as a coping strategy. It's so much easier not to rely on others to meet your needs and to be hurt and disappointed when they don't. The best way to become more securely attached is to be in relationships/friendships with securely attached people because they are the embodiment of psychological safety.
@@v9b23j Framing it as a coping strategy is helpful and points to the fact that I (and maybe others) was still coming at it from a place of reactivity, until I could address my resistance to secure attachment. Thank you for the thoughtful response!
@@hearttalkscoach My pleasure We have a need to be seen, heard, and understood. And when we're not, our nervous system senses danger and reacts in ways that try to protect us (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) despite they maybe maladaptive. I believe that recognizing our reactivity, being curious about where it's coming from, and having compassion for ourselves and our partner/others will help us become "earned secure".
Lord this language is so helpful #3🙏🏽
I think the main problem with avoidants is vulnerability. Its hard for us to feel painful emotions and we avoid them. I tried what auggested in this video. Unfortunately it creates a dynamics that still reinforce the pattern. Putting a mask on does not make you feel different. The suggestions would probably help to have a somehow ok relationship, but will not change what you feel. To do that, as an avoidant you need to step out from your need of security and control. You need to live the insecurity and learn to feel it. Not run away from it.
well… the main problem was with what factored into ones’ attachment avoidance to stabilise as functional response in the first place. and assuming you write from a gent’s perspective, what you describe reads to me (an intj gent) like totally healthy psychosomatic immune reaction against urge-driven self-destruction, and contracting infestation with cognitive dissonance. however I’d suggest to just (continue to) refrain from gaslighting ourselves in line with gyn.cent matrix baiting, for the very sakes of ours. appreciate JOMO on those virtually 100% xx.ine incarnations of redflag, readily registered as such.
Fantastic and awesome every content you help us with. Blessings from me, Keren in jerusalem, Israel. ❤
"The obstacle is the way"
I wish you made this video a few months ago haha. Thank you so much for sharing this
I am way past the point in my life of having a relationship, but I find this very interesting. Maybe this would have been helpful when I was young and dating. (I stopped dating because it was such a waste of time.) But I do not understand being responsible for the reconnection. If there is a "disconnection" that seems like an indication that you are not suitable for each other. It does not make sense to try to force things. I watched my parents torture each other for years when they should have just divorced. We were all miserable. Expose your needs? What needs? I never knew I had any. Relational reliance sounds good, but the person has demonstrate reliability. I never saw that.
Send this to someone I dated for a long time because she was exactly like this. I still care about her deeply but until she sorts all the things Connor says it will be massively difficult for someone to connect with her.
Connor, add timestamps to your video's, please. Thanks for the content 🙏🏼
on it
Step 2 - I would argue being the initiator is good BUT if it is always the avoidant who do it then I personally build up resentment out of how unfair it feels…
Veru useful video! I am actually n anxiosly attached womand and have an avoidant partner. He is so avoidant that he does not even listen when I talk about childhood traumas about me. He had I believe a father he misses a lot who was a CEO of many companies and was not present really in their life as he "had to work so hard". He idealises his father who was not fizically or emotionally present most of the time and who unfortunately passed away at a fairly young age. Now my partner is a workoholic and hides behind his work without knowing what he wants to achieve in life. Any helpful thoughts on how to approach this. He avoids my cries for closer realtionship after 7 years as partners. Thanks
Is there a chance that it would help matters by sending a video like this to a fearful avoidant BF who has recently ghosted you for unknown reasons after one year of dating? He has been under stress in his life not related to me and I’m very confused and extremely hurt about his ghosting behavior. But I want to help and I don’t want to lose him. I have watched a lot of vids over the years on avoidants so I did recognize the occasional tendencies in him and I learned how to respond to his behaviors in better ways. But this ghosting is over the top for him.
worksheet available to newsletter subscribers??? Please.
well… as an intj gent, I’d say that dismissive avoidance towards quasi 100% xx.ine incarnations of redflag comes as completely functionally rational self-preservation | guarding against major detriment altogether - and as something that one should congratulate oneself to have come to (eg in view of xx.s featuring pervasive infestations by gyn.fasc hivemind, zombification in terms of bonding-incapability by bodycounts, certainty of at best opportunistic hypergamous attachment on verge to monkeybranching on whim whatsoever). I deliberately refuse to gaslight myself on any that latter, and in cutting across and off romantic delusions, JOMO on adverse entailments of urge-driven committed self-in-wastement to unworthy | unyielding pursuits comes to be appreciated sincerily.
What if you’re in a long term relationship( 9 yrs) and you come to find she is a BPD or NPD and you’ve been in a emotional abusive relationship for years and years?? And then you become avoidant again, I was before when I was 21 went through treatment and therapy, 31 now and after this relationship I have become avoidant again after leaving her. She would never acknowledge my needs and when I brought them up I was guilted and shamed repeatedly, by the end I spend 14-15hrs a day trying my hardest to meet her needs, while mine were still ignored and shamed. I was diagnosed as a dissociative empath when i first went to therapy and they warned me about getting into a codependent relationship, and I ended up in one within 2 months 🤦♂️ 9 years later I’m right back where I was at 21-22, but with 2 kids… now I feel like can’t fully leave her.
well… that ‘feeling like’ needs to be up-rooted. as for ‘her’ of course, not as for your kids. and yes, dismissive attachment avoidance does make for (acquired) healthy immune response to redflags register everwhere. don’t gaslight yourself away from that, in line with gyn.cent matrix manipulations (as in gyn.cent psy.thrp fabrications).
As a guy, I'm the anxious one and my (unofficial) girlfriend is an anxious avoidant. We've known each other for 4 months now. She has no idea about attachment styles and I haven't brought up the subject. Do you have any advice on how I can open her eyes without hurting her?
What is the feminine role early on?
Like I don’t like a ton of texting.
I prefer a phone call for male leadership and consistency
I feel weird not following his leadership, so if he isn’t consistent in the beginning and setting up the first date and second date.,. I lose interest
If he calls, sets it up, we go out, we communicate our intentions and interests and he sets up second date, then I will ask him the best times to call him and what’s our texting styles.
Then I will reciprocate communication.
Some guys dating multiple women are expecting women to be more aggressive and compete and do the calls and text or they say they feel no interest. Either he is or isn’t…
What about trying to find a date or making a girl like you does this apply
But it is a life long endeavor, for me. My gf doesn't understand me. She says I'm too sensitive.
I'm not doing any of this.
Great, don't.
As an anxious attacher some of that advice is useful but maybe for a different reason while for some of those things I should do the opposite
I have known of an avoidant, very disconnected, an island of mystery and a bundle of socially acceptable jokes and banal platitudes; a deep fear of expressing original ideas.
Yet… very very willing to continually ask others for favours etc. 🧐
I enjoy this channel but I have to disagree that anybody can become fully secure who wasn't before. At the most you can have one foot in and one foot out
Or ... you could choose to exit and find someone else. Much easier
What is the difference between avoidant and issue of no trust in your partner. If I am anxious but months into it I think he is in love with someone else and I am a place holder until her husband dies, I do these things. Am I avoidant or…?
Maybe anxious attachment, not avoidant.
4:07 to 4:50 is a copy of me
Can you pass me the salt
No
I still don't get notifications when the bell is on
Well that's a weird one.... maybe a settings thing?
Not sure how this helps when I'm not seeing anyone.
helps you be
prepared and
more secure when
you do fam!
If you're avoidant with romantic partners you're likely avoidant with everyone. Nearly everything here is applicable to your familial relations and friendships. Whether you ever end up with a woman or not you can use this to find love and connection in other areas. And doing so makes finding a romantic partner easier and more likely.
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Of course this video has only 300 likes, avoidants dont want to change 🥲🥲🥲
So good! I’m the avoidant woman and this was very helpful!
Thank you.
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