Dating an avoidant is the best way to see your own patterns. If there is true love this is magic and very painful but so worth it. It will trigger all your insecurities so you can heal yourself ❤
Very true. They love the traits in you they wish they had, and hate in you the traits they hate in themselves. So to maintain distance with you, theyll hypocritcally project all the things that hate in themselves onto you. Subconciously they know theyre selfish for instance.. so theyll scream that in your face to push you back to where they dont feel pressure to perform or deal with feelings
As a DA, thank you to all of the others in our lives who are working to meet us as we grow. It's not something you have to do but something we appreciate. Thank you.
I honestly want my ex to feel loved and I’m afraid that she never will. I truly love her with all of my heart and I don’t care about how much I get hurt from trying to help her. I only want her always and forever.
Learning from Thais this is What I said to him that contributed to him committing after a year of situationshipness. “Doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow or even next week, but I need certain non negotiable needs met and need to see the needle move or we may have to start taking an honest look at incompatibility” I just wanted him to spend more time with me. He ended up saying he loves me and we became official. Wow!!! It worked!
If you date a DA as an Anxiously attached person, having to follow all these rules is gonna make you feel less heard and at some point the pain will be so big you can’t keep it inside anymore
similar experience to yours. its frustrating why they dont communicate their feelings. its probably easier to find someone with a suitable attachment style to us. when 2 anxious comes together...its gonna feel like disaster as well.
As a former AP, once I became self-aware, dating a DA was the single biggest catalyst in my journey to become SA. It was what she needed from me, and the caregiver tendency in me knew that it was what she needed. I also knew being that way was what I needed. So I slowly became that. I am forever grateful for experiencing that with her.
We try understanding them so bad that we excuse what they do out of empathy. And that is just not it. So anyone reading this, if you have to keep stating your boundaries and your needs are repeatedly not getting met. Just walk away. Better you than them abruptly ghost out of the “pressure”. Trust.. it won’t hurt as much
The only thing I don't like about these videos is that they're always structured around how we should cater to an avoidant. If the person doesn't know they're an avoidant, or don't want to acknowledge that they are, then all we're doing is enabling them to continue their toxic behavior. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around their tendency to dismiss relationships. They need to work on healing their core wounds and then we can approach the relationship from a secure standpoint.
Or wait until they "dismiss" you. That's what I did. I only know about women. Sometimes this type of behavior is temporary and I've seen it change in a few months a few times. In my latest case I patiently waited a few months and saw it get worse, so I was expecting her to dismiss me. BTW, before I saw these videos, I was ignorant about attachment styles lasting long out of childhood.
Or how’s this… if you truly love this person, show them her videos on identifying the different types. If they try, they care about your relationship. If not, then they’re probably not the one for you
I could not say anything less than positive with my FA without him projecting his own internalizing of what I'm saying meaning he's a "bad partner" onto me. It was like he didn't understand anything I said because his defenses were so strong. And i always used "i feel" "I think" language and talk about behavior not character but he still projected onto me. He will have a hard time finding someone like me who is secure AND tried to communicate with him nicely and healthily with him, or someone who did as much work as I did!!
I feel the same way. Even the most gentle approach, he found a way to personalize it and tell me he's not good enough, completely derailing the original point. It becomes all about him, but he tells me, "It's always about you". Can make you feel crazy!
I told my spouse I just work for him and am required, not by choice, to do everything he doesn't want to do. These tasks still have to get done but he won't do it or even offer to help. So over it.
Please keep making these educational videos; we live in a society that is totally dysfunctional & nobody knows how to act because parents don't know how to raise children. Shalom
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak
As a practitioner of schema therapy, I imagine most, if not all, dismissive avoidants having a core of defectiveness due to emotional neglect from their caregivers/parents. Kids tend to internalise the shame of not being afforded the affection or attention they deserve, blaming themselves rather than the caregivers for not being good enough. To avoid this shame, they then reject their need for emotional connection. They also overcompensate by learning to depend only on themselves as relying on anyone else will remind them of the shame of not being able to rely on their caregivers.
Seems like a lot of work and is eerily similar to the constant validation the APs need in a relationship. I've always just addressed things in a loving way and guaged the response I received. I'd either leave it stay depending on the response.
I am very thankful to you, Thais, for this channel and its insights. It is helping me finally understand what happened with a couple of very good friends who, unfortunately, are DAs who don't want to work on themselves and just discard people. Understanding them is finally helping me heal, get closure, forgive and move forward. I am relieved to learn that it was about them, not me, and understanding their psychological struggles and pain allows me to replace anger with compassion, which facilitates forgiveness. Because they are not evil narcissists as I had considered, which was very hard to forgive. I feel deeply for the people who are in relationships with DAs. This video is necessary for them. As for me, my personal choice is to not go down this rabbit hole again. I want securely attached relationships. Maybe I could even cope with an anxious partner. But an unhealed DA who doesn't want to get better? Thanks, but no, thanks.
Some of the comments on your feed are crazy. I am in love with a da and currently dealing with the initial heart break of break up. Her advise is valuable. To say your catering to a da is exactly what is needed when you live someone. NO CONTACT IS THE NEXT STEP.
I am anxious attachment. I am working through my own issues, my husband is avoidant. I have to learn to "loosen my grip" and he has to learn how to hold me a bit tighter. The only way our marriage will work is if i learn to hold his hand and not climb into his soul and he is ok with seeing the fire in my heart. We have to keep each other at arms length.
You should never change your whole life to suit someone else but she is talking about a situation in which both partners are trying to learn how to communicate across the different attachment styles. DAs are very problem solving oriented and even though this seems hard for some of you to understand they learn at least as much about their partners attachment style and preferred way of communication as the other parties do. I don’t know why this is so hard for some of you to see.
I realize that avoidant people usually have very high awareness about "power dynamics", the kind of language subcomunication best seen in presidential debates, and that's why the are very sensitive to microagressions, they learned early to understand those as threats to their social status.
I find I do well communicating until he says “I’m not doing this right now” and something inside me gets triggered and I fall into unhealthy communication. I’ve learned this so try to stop myself but I’m feeling crazy the entire time. I think it triggers abandonment and makes me fear that he’s trying to train me to keep my mouth shut as the narcissists I was with before would do.
Well it very invalidating and disrespectful, reactive abuse is a thing. Yes you need to keep your integrity in these moments, but dealing with this type of behaviour will make you crazy. Good luck, I hope you find happiness. Don’t abandon yourself too long.
This is exactly what my ex would say and the silent treatment would begin. Triggered me massively but I could see how wrong a week long silent treatment was, so I tried extremely hard to be present in the reality and not make excuses for him. To see it exactly for what it was.
Wow , I think I just wrote this. Why can't I find someone that isn't a narcissist, that actually wants to stay in a relationship even if there is a small disagreement, I just want someone to add to my life, I'm a really good man, I raised my son on my own, I'm a home owner on my own, I love hard. I don't cheat . I try so hard. .why don't ppl just want to be happy together , be nice to each other and have a life together. And give each other our needs , not this one way relationship stuff. I'm 36 I'm tired of starting over after always trying so hard , only reason I have had long relationships is because I fought for them . I can't fight for someone anymore that won't fight for me back .
@@brianburrisTry being 65, with terminal cancer, and facing starting over. Being at the end of my rope, I was researching marital issues and this term was used. I just learned I've been in a 25 year relationship (20 year marriage) with a Dismissive Avoidant for the first time yesterday. It fits him perfectly. I understand the person can learn to change this but, at 72, I doubt my husband will. 😢
@@bobbylacy2374 just yesterday you found this information?! Oh my! Well Im so glad you’ve found it. It can help, i promise you it can. There is a lot of good info out there but there’s also bad. Use your discernment. This channel and school has changed my life like night and day. There are also videos by men for DA men… I think his name is Adam. I highly recommend trying the 7 day trial with PDS. There’s live webinars everyday and you’ll meet a lot of us who’ve gone through similar situations and Thais can answer your personal questions too. And more often than not people do “change” once they know how. Theres hope.
DAs are amazing people and we can learn so much from them about ourselves. It’s an interesting learning curve and if you end up with them or no (in my case ten years on and off) it’s a lesson to be learned and something to be healed. ❤
I can be friends with an avoidant, but never lover. Once was enough. I became anxious and I'm usually secure. It was crazy. Good for maybe a fling or a casual situation, but you really need to find a avoiding whos self aware for it to work. Which i think its rare to find..
Spot on with the distracting music! I know better now, but the 2 avoidants I had “the pleasure” of being with could not be in silence. One even admitted it was so he didn’t have to feel his emotions (we ended not long after due to his overall avoidant behavior..I finally saw all I needed to see to call it)!
I dont want to feel like a fool. I do want to be better at dealing with DA. i think it helps me to grow also but when and where do i draw the line. This journey is a lot of work. I guess i wish someone took the time and did the work for me but the truth is it is up to the individual.
@Littleowl85352 yes I am. You don't even know how much growth you need or how much you need to grow until you are in relationships or having relationship. All I can do is work on me.
I would love small relationship Ho To guide books based on Attachment Type. I unfortunately raised my kids as an FA, I did my best and provided well but I know have DA and FA kids who are navigating relationships. They are new to relationships but if the self-strageties, relationship strategies are in books/journal type books I could leave them around or send as little gifts without being too codependent 😅
Same. My son is a sweetheart, but definitely leans avoidant and my daughter seems to be showing FA traits. I try to help them resolve things in a healthy way. We have a lot of deep conversations together.
As a DA. I've been going to therapy as well for BPD. Talk about a shit storm I am. But all of these videos highlight things that I have been identifying to help reduce these issues. Seeing everyone say to run sucks. I get it. I've pushed my wife so far after 6 1/2 years. 2 years of separation and therapy and trying was still not good enough for her.
You are dating someone for a few good months but yet, you don’t want to pose the question, “what are we?” Just to protect their feelings. I appreciate a lot of your content and I’ve learned a lot, but I also feel that the information given is to justify and coddle the avoidant. But yet, what about the other half of the relationship? A relationship is a 2 way street and should be treated as such, not just one person giving more for the other because the other can’t do the work to realize what is going on within themselves.
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak
In the background of all of this the disclaimer here is that the avoidants attachment style is NOT conducive for a healthy relationship. So dont go into this expecting that the avoidant will change. Likely, they may not change at all and you have to be okay with that if you choose to continue to have a relationship with that person. It's not personal, they just aren't in the space to heal and until they do the inner-work they will continue to struggle to have healthy interdependent relationships. The choice to stand beside them until that happens is yours.
When they future fake and bring up all these milestones themselves, why would you have any reason to believe that they would pull the rug out from under you?
Thanks for this video! I was just writing my FA that I’m not getting enough time with her and it was feeling like an ultimatum (it kinda is). Your advice made me realize I was being too pushy so I softened the language and included positive feedback. I hope it works!
Thanks for doing that. I'm a healing FA and can't seem to date because I don't want to see anyone more that 3 or 4 times a month. That's why I don't even try dating. My ex is avoidant so he totally got me but most don't. Softening the conversation will definitely land better with her. ❤
I went from “This is not working for me. I need more out of this relationship. Here’s what needs to change: (numbered list)” to something less confrontational . I started with telling her how much I appreciate when we can spend time together, a compliment on a gift she gave me at Christmas, and “I want our relationship to be strong and last a long time. To help that happen, there are a couple things that I think will help us be closer and trusting of each other.” My requests were one date a week, even as simple as coffee is ok, and a phone call or text conversation every night. To me this sounds like the minimum to keep a relationship hanging on, but I have a feeling that it might still be too much for her. She’s been a constant source of pain and frustration (stood me up, ghosted, every text conversation ends unresolved when she goes silent, tells me about fun activities she did with her friends but nothing for me, she forgets important conversations). It’s gone on for more than a year, and I’m finally drawing a line. I hope the softer approach will help. She hasn’t responded yet. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for. I can’t imagine making any kind of long term plans with her, unless she changes DRAMATICALLY and, while I’ve been hoping that my emotional support and trustworthy affection would help her, nothing has changed. I’m not going to hope for that anymore, it’s literally out of my hands and she has said in the past that she just has too much going on to give me what I ask for. I just realized how many times I’ve used “hope” when it comes to my side of this relationship. I’m ready for something real instead of hoping.
I am honestly sick of all the avoidant hate that goes on in these comments sections in basically every attachment style video I have seen. I was an anxious attachment style, but now I lean much more secure. I take responsibility for myself and who I allow into my life. If you are coming on here and commenting negatively about avoidants, you probably need to seriously work on yourself before getting into a relationship because you’re spewing the same toxicity that you say avoidants have. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but sometimes you have to be blunt. You are allowed to leave a relationship if you feel it’s one sided, you are allowed to stay and work on it, but either way it’s your choice. Choose your suffering, choose your battle. At the end of the day though, whether you stay or go, you need to figure out who you are and put yourself first, otherwise you’re going to lose yourself in that other person and come on TH-cam to bash them in the comments section instead of actually seeking help.
I understand what you're saying, but I'm going to gently push back a bit here and point out the DA's patterns of intermittent reinforcement literally cause a _physical_, neurochemical addictive response. If leaving were a "choice" Thais wouldn't have so many videos explaining that impact and the need for subconscious reprogramming.
@@Shutzie27 as a recovering addict and a DA it is a choice to heal from addiction, to go get the correct help instead of wailing in a corner blaming the world and everyone else for your addiction
@@Littleowl85352 I agree, but I think there is power in learning and understanding the source(s) of one’s addictive behaviors. The problem is what you said, when people *stay* in the external fault-finding so they don’t have to grow.
I dont like the comments section, people who say 'just leave them alone, run, no one should cater to a DA' etc...i would agree but only under certain circumstances. If you are newly dating or the DA never compensates and doesnt care that his behavior bothers you. My husband is a total DA and I do empathise and respect him and understanding him better helped me adapt my communication style. Because I love him and we have a family and im not going to dump it all because of his attachment type. I have anxious attachment by the way, but his consistency and lack of volatility helps me feel more secure even if we are rarely as "close" as Id like to be.
I have recently married a Filipina lady, this is one hurdle straight away as they don’t think like a western woman obviously. But she is definitely a dismissive avoidant I think. When I ring her to talk (I work away) she asks me if I’m alright. I say sure, are you. Then she starts by saying, because you always have a drama I’m scared of you. I am totally at loss what is going on as I just want to be sweet and kind and see how her day went. It’s like she wants to fight.
It is getting old. I wish she would do some videos on how avoidants have to cater to their anxious partner, but I guess she must know that would get zero clicks by avoidants.
The question is, is there anyone here who's healed from being a DA? Is it possible to heal and become more secure ??? As a DA i hate that im so closed off, i am desperate to change and try save my relationship. Ill do anything but sometimes it feels impossible to change. I just discovered this channel and hoping to hear from others who have done the course, did it work
I'm grateful to have subscribed to your channel. May I please offer a respectful request. You speak super fast. By slowing down, it gives the listener an absorption of your words and a vibe without worrying what they missed. I wish to continue my journey as a subscriber. Thank you.
@@bakekay21 Sure, but why should I have to, and it only makes the fry worse anyway 🤷♂ I'm not getting at her - but it's an affectation, not something congenital
Great video! This is what we need to know abt how to interact and disengage the negative thoughts/behaviors/ruminations before they start. Thank you! 😊
As an avoidant, I highly resent any form of manipulation. Most of us cope with it at work because it is what we have to do to make a living, but in our personal lives, it’s an absolute no go.
@@KellyCostello-xw8be No. There is no “can construe” anything. There is manipulation or there is not. And knowing the difference is not a problem for me, it’s a problem for manipulative people. So, if you consider it a problem, I can’t help you.
I feel like DAs get turned off about someone else’s needs? They don’t want to be relied upon in my experience, especially severe avoidants who fear enmeshment. It’s a lose lose I guess lol
That's so interesting. I'm a DA but I always go into fight mode in conflict - I don't like conflict but I get so defensive that I will destroy the other person in front of me
Being traumatized by a FA is something I never saw coming. Putting a term FA with a little bow tie is not enough. This is a serious mental health condition and one that needs to be disclosed in the first couple dates. It is unfair to people who are normal and wanting normal healthy relationships.
I sadly agree. I was trying to connect with an FA, and they are in no way trying to build anything. It's literally one-sided. They don't speak, check-in or nothing. Makes me feel desperate. I'm an AP and it not good for my health 😮💨
Hi Thias, I truly cannot thank you enough for putting out these videos, they are so helpful and informative for me, I love all the examples and practical tips you offer! I have a question: recently I had a guy tell me needs are fake. I kinda understand what he means since I could say, for example, I need to chat 2-4x per week to feel connected and loved, but is it actually necessary? I need consistency, but if it's imperfect, does that negate all the previous effort? If it becomes consistently imperfect, that might change my feelings towards a man, so I see how those are things I need to progress a relationship, but how would I address a comment like that? He agreed children have needs, but I guess I am not sure if that was gaslighting or a narcissistic comment, or a red flag? I have trouble identifying these things since I have had to question reality so much throughout my life, and I find it a struggle to express my needs so hearing a comment like this was confusing for me, even though I realize that he may not be the right person for me if he doesn't care about what I feel is important for me in a relationship..
Literally be his or her mother 🤦🏾♀️ only that they are not an actual toddler having an emotional breakdown.And they can also make adult decisions such as walk away🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ NO. If they are not working on their trauma NO.
My DA would be terrifieed at the title of thisvideo. His eyes would get big. 😂 and he would be scared. My opinion is once i can see how vulnerable he really is and how much he feels, its really easy to get why so many walls are in fact up.
It's strange, I'm a DA and when I open up about a problem to someone else, I hate when they actually just validate but don't help... like, I open up because I'm looking for solutions, not to be told "I'm sorry for you"... must be just me, I don't know.
Reflect honestly on how safe you are as a person before you get snippy at others for not feeling safe around you. Defenses are there for a reason, the world crawls with codependents who want you to toe the line and love them in exactly the right way so they never have to sit with their pain and fear.
Im an avoidant with ptsd and betrayal trauma due to my husbands affair. All I hear is how horrid I am for having an avoidant attachment and no accountability for what makes an avoidant attachment style. For everyone bashing the avoidant, make sure you didnt make them that way first and look inwards. Otherwise all you do is verify why we are this way.
You have to know yourself, your needs, what works for you and state your boundaries in a calm, assertive way. It should be emotionally safe for both parties.
@@OregonSingles So I have to have gone to therapy, be perfectly healthy and safe, but they are allowed to just be damaged and refuse to do anything about it. But I ahve to show up as perfectly ehaled and reparent them...
I wonder how many DAs are only children? Maybe do a survey? Conflict is Normal. Look at siblings. Many know bickering frequently and still love each other. We need to learn to lean into Repair. And be accountable for our own impact and responses.
Damn. This sounds exhausting. How do i get a chance to speak to them honestly and intimately? Im 20 years deep and trying to be so patient. I feel like there is never enough time or space for me in conversation. Its very one sided
While I completely agree that we are worth having a healthy relationship with someone, so are they. Some people (like my partner) are completely unaware of how dismissive and avoidant he is. He is an extremely caring, loving, wonderful man who had completely oblivious parents who never even told him they loved him. While our relationship has been extremely difficult, I know he still deserves love just as much as I do. I just hope one day he can break out of his avoidant shell and be free and accept love. I won't brush off that he wasn't as privileged as me to receive emotional availability from his parents.
What if they tell you they wont forget about you when tell them that you will love and miss them when they are in another Realationship but the new Realationship has only been partime they only see on the weekends and he got arrested and she still wants to see me i dont understand why she is not wanting to connect
I found out that I am a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant and my wife said she feels more like a roommate than my wife and I tried to change to make her not feel that way but I guess I couldn't show her more affection that she wanted and I also wanted... It's just so difficult I was wondering why I couldn't do it even though I tried what I felt like wasn't my best but it still wasn't enough 😢
It constantly blows my mind (after the worst heartache of my life) how blind I was to her perspective and how I don't know a damn thing. I'm never spending another minute of my life without considering my partner's feelings and how they feel when I open my mouth or react. ESPECIALLY when they aren't communicating it the way I need. If only I could go back in time and back hand myself in the big dumb face. God, I miss her.
Nah, Da are completely nuts, and they will make you insane, your best bet is to dump them, they are incapable of relationship, you cannot treat them like children for your sanity move on, it's not your job to fix them, they can nevef be fixed, they are children in an adult body, you will go insane,
Well. Anyone can heal. It's not impossible for us, but it is certainly not the partner's job. In our defence, I am sure no dismissive avoidant actually asked their partner to be their therapist. We really do need to do this ourselves or in a professional setting.
Why don’t you do any videos on how the avoidants could be better with anxious people? This is absolutely exhausting. As someone who has worked to be more secure…I don’t think anyone should hold these peoples hands and do all the work for them. That’s called enabling.
She’s trying to make a compliment sandwich. It’s so much easier than this. Say what you want, and then be ok with hearing, no I can’t do that. The problem is that you feel entitled to EVERYONE catering to you and your needs instead of saying, I need something from you, what can I do for you to get that? The things you’re telling people to do will backfire
gosh every time i go into one of these vid's comment section i see so many people resenting avoidants for no reason rlly. just go to therapy and accept u had a crappy relationship, not every DA is evil please stfu ✋🏻💀
Love your videos, thx for help! ❤ No offend but why are you doing that Kourtney K. thing with yout voice at the end of almost every sentence? It's horrible to listen to. 😢This really hurts my ears
my FA dumper is still triggered if he see me on the street and gets angry. So i dont think I can bypass that. He wont even greet me on the street. lol.
@@DaveE99 no idea, I never did anything and went directly into no contact. 7 months ago I moved into his neighbor town because of a new job and since then, everytime he sees me he either stares at me angrily or avoid me completely. I think my whole existence in his area now, triggers him
@@DeadMysticx that’s interesting, I’m FA and that just don’t make a ton of sense to me unless he got really hurt and felt betrayed by it or something, there are some things that can cause us to hold grudges longer too. Perhaps as a protective mechanism. Maybe he invested more than you thought and then got kinda blindsided, I had that happen once and god did that screw with me, it actually was what got me researching how women think feel and behave as well as my self and others. It was like I certainly wasn’t in Kansas anymore. And I’m def not perfectly healed as still more work but god has that just been a sort of cynical things seeing how people work in general, and perhaps it’s the people around me coupled with the out group competition mentality I see amoungst a lot of society.
I just just don’t think it’s healthy for AA folks to push to people that clearly still have work to do… mah more videos of DA’s actually doing the weed work😊
You may not communicate "optimoly"! In short , you need to tailor your life to fit their disorder! You want to live that way? You want to be a therapist and waste your life?
What are you doing? 3:44, 4:11, 5:05, 5:37, 8:00, 9:49, 10:53, 11:40, 15:33 it is very annoying, also bad quality microphone sound and the vocal fry. Thank you for the content, though.
A relationship with a DA? 😂😂😂 They never want a relationship 😂 They won't commit because that makes them feel trapped, etc...they need excessive therapy. They're too insecure to communicate because they always feel attacked and feel shame. They take everything personally.
The only way you can help someone is to put them in discomfort. Growth is outside comfort zone. All this cocooning and enabling isn't going to help them or us. I totally disagree with this approach. Why suppress our own pain to enable their dysfunction, it doesn't make sense. This video doesn't provide much bypassing, it's about more ways to enable their dysfunction, going round in circles about how they cannot cope with life and relationships and how us as partners have to suppress our feelings and put ourselves to the side for them.
My gf and I started dating two weeks ago, out of respect, I would send her pictures of where I was and what I was doing when I was with other women. A few days ago, one of my female friends, joked and called me a "sexy ass", at first my girlfriend said she was not mad and considered it a compliment. But a day later she blocked me, ghosted me, and send a message to my female friend saying she can have me. But before all that happened, I told my GF, that my female friend was already married and has kids. I bring this up because my "GF" is a avoidant, she basically acts like I cheated but I'm not a cheater. What can I do? I have been praying, but I feel miserable.
Let her go and focus on loving yourself. She is clearly not stable enough to have a relationship and you will be doing her no favours by maintaining one with her. It will hurt but in life we need to learn how to tolerate and manage pain rather than chasing it away prematurely 🌹🌹
@@Littleowl85352 She has been maturing and making effort tho, personally it's a big misunderstanding, she assumed I cheated because my female friend was joking around. I also want to mention my "GF" has autism and was bullied growing up. This is not a excuse, I still think it's immature of her to leave and block me, but I believe she did take for needing space. Yes, I agree it's an immature way for wanting space but she didn't grow up with both parents in her life and is not a Only-Child. I knew her for five years, call me crazy, but I don't wanna lose her over a misunderstanding and poor decisions. I never cheated on her.
They do jealous for their national team. You know what they say: someone gets jealous because they project their own behaviour. They may not play away on you, but they'll dump you for nothing, which is about as bad
@@Littleowl85352 She was getting better, as a partner. And our energies were in sync. She had learned from past mistakes and improved, she even talked about her desires to improve. This situation happened because my female friend who is 34, married with kids, thought it would be "funny" to call me "sexy" right in front of my girlfriend. Now I agree, my gf should have been more mature and talked about it with me, but she's got stress already from work, her mother, and events happening this month. She blocked me and I can't even explain that I never cheated on her. Every time I got outside, I send my gf pics to show her where I am at, outta respect for our relationship. Now I worry if I will her again and if she will still love me. All this over a joke that should not have been said about me.
![[TH] VALORANT Champions Seoul - Grand Final - EDG vs TH](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/WvObMc9VelI/mqdefault.jpg)
Dating an avoidant is the best way to see your own patterns. If there is true love this is magic and very painful but so worth it. It will trigger all your insecurities so you can heal yourself ❤
True - it felt like being in few months of lessons learning.
Yes! All of my relationships shine light on my shadow, but a romantic relationship with an avoidant is like a floodlight.
Why should we be the ones going for therapy to be perfect, while the DAs stonewall , making us walk on eggshells and not do anything for healing?
Very true. They love the traits in you they wish they had, and hate in you the traits they hate in themselves. So to maintain distance with you, theyll hypocritcally project all the things that hate in themselves onto you. Subconciously they know theyre selfish for instance.. so theyll scream that in your face to push you back to where they dont feel pressure to perform or deal with feelings
That’s interesting.
As a DA, thank you to all of the others in our lives who are working to meet us as we grow. It's not something you have to do but something we appreciate. Thank you.
I honestly want my ex to feel loved and I’m afraid that she never will. I truly love her with all of my heart and I don’t care about how much I get hurt from trying to help her. I only want her always and forever.
I know she cares about me and is only scared of losing her independence how can I assure her that she won’t?
@@EthanosTheMighty You really need to learn how to respect yourself to walk away from people who will never appreciate you
@@buellerferris I have learned I’m now on track for healing and getting someone who has the ability to appreciate and love me unconditionally
Learning from Thais this is What I said to him that contributed to him committing after a year of situationshipness.
“Doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow or even next week, but I need certain non negotiable needs met and need to see the needle move or we may have to start taking an honest look at incompatibility”
I just wanted him to spend more time with me. He ended up saying he loves me and we became official. Wow!!! It worked!
It won’t last unless the Avoidant does DEEP work, which they won’t, as they hide from emotional discomfort. Prepare yourself and/or get out now.
I love that for you! Avoidants can be great partners. ❤
100% won’t work. See you in the same spot, year after year.
@@KentBuchla you don't know that. Why would you even say that? How's it helpful?
He got scared of you leaving
If you date a DA as an Anxiously attached person, having to follow all these rules is gonna make you feel less heard and at some point the pain will be so big you can’t keep it inside anymore
similar experience to yours. its frustrating why they dont communicate their feelings. its probably easier to find someone with a suitable attachment style to us. when 2 anxious comes together...its gonna feel like disaster as well.
As a former AP, once I became self-aware, dating a DA was the single biggest catalyst in my journey to become SA. It was what she needed from me, and the caregiver tendency in me knew that it was what she needed. I also knew being that way was what I needed. So I slowly became that. I am forever grateful for experiencing that with her.
Enough already! We understand them better than they understand themselves and we have tried everything!
Blame their mothers.
So true
Agree! I'm moving on.
amen!!!
We try understanding them so bad that we excuse what they do out of empathy. And that is just not it. So anyone reading this, if you have to keep stating your boundaries and your needs are repeatedly not getting met. Just walk away. Better you than them abruptly ghost out of the “pressure”. Trust.. it won’t hurt as much
The only thing I don't like about these videos is that they're always structured around how we should cater to an avoidant. If the person doesn't know they're an avoidant, or don't want to acknowledge that they are, then all we're doing is enabling them to continue their toxic behavior. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around their tendency to dismiss relationships. They need to work on healing their core wounds and then we can approach the relationship from a secure standpoint.
We actually don't have to cater to anyone we don't want to. We can say "This isn't the relationship for me." then leave.
Or wait until they "dismiss" you. That's what I did.
I only know about women.
Sometimes this type of behavior is temporary and I've seen it change in a few months a few times. In my latest case I patiently waited a few months and saw it get worse, so I was expecting her to dismiss me. BTW, before I saw these videos, I was ignorant about attachment styles lasting long out of childhood.
Exactly
Amen! Catering to them and the destruction they cause is how we found out about the DA personality.
Or how’s this… if you truly love this person, show them her videos on identifying the different types. If they try, they care about your relationship. If not, then they’re probably not the one for you
I could not say anything less than positive with my FA without him projecting his own internalizing of what I'm saying meaning he's a "bad partner" onto me. It was like he didn't understand anything I said because his defenses were so strong. And i always used "i feel" "I think" language and talk about behavior not character but he still projected onto me. He will have a hard time finding someone like me who is secure AND tried to communicate with him nicely and healthily with him, or someone who did as much work as I did!!
I feel the same way. Even the most gentle approach, he found a way to personalize it and tell me he's not good enough, completely derailing the original point. It becomes all about him, but he tells me, "It's always about you". Can make you feel crazy!
I told my spouse I just work for him and am required, not by choice, to do everything he doesn't want to do. These tasks still have to get done but he won't do it or even offer to help. So over it.
Please keep making these educational videos; we live in a society that is totally dysfunctional & nobody knows how to act because parents don't know how to raise children. Shalom
Agree and bringing them to childcare is so unhealthy
YES!
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak
All good info, but when they totally clam up not much a person can do.
As a practitioner of schema therapy, I imagine most, if not all, dismissive avoidants having a core of defectiveness due to emotional neglect from their caregivers/parents. Kids tend to internalise the shame of not being afforded the affection or attention they deserve, blaming themselves rather than the caregivers for not being good enough. To avoid this shame, they then reject their need for emotional connection. They also overcompensate by learning to depend only on themselves as relying on anyone else will remind them of the shame of not being able to rely on their caregivers.
Childhood neglect is this damaging.
Sad.
Seems like a lot of work and is eerily similar to the constant validation the APs need in a relationship. I've always just addressed things in a loving way and guaged the response I received. I'd either leave it stay depending on the response.
I am very thankful to you, Thais, for this channel and its insights. It is helping me finally understand what happened with a couple of very good friends who, unfortunately, are DAs who don't want to work on themselves and just discard people.
Understanding them is finally helping me heal, get closure, forgive and move forward.
I am relieved to learn that it was about them, not me, and understanding their psychological struggles and pain allows me to replace anger with compassion, which facilitates forgiveness. Because they are not evil narcissists as I had considered, which was very hard to forgive.
I feel deeply for the people who are in relationships with DAs. This video is necessary for them. As for me, my personal choice is to not go down this rabbit hole again. I want securely attached relationships. Maybe I could even cope with an anxious partner. But an unhealed DA who doesn't want to get better? Thanks, but no, thanks.
Its often when they know they're not doing enough, they will be hyper sensitive to anything you say.
Exactly. They have a shame/guilt complex and it’s sometimes impossible to even communicate w them w/o making them run
Some of the comments on your feed are crazy. I am in love with a da and currently dealing with the initial heart break of break up. Her advise is valuable. To say your catering to a da is exactly what is needed when you live someone. NO CONTACT IS THE NEXT STEP.
I am anxious attachment. I am working through my own issues, my husband is avoidant. I have to learn to "loosen my grip" and he has to learn how to hold me a bit tighter. The only way our marriage will work is if i learn to hold his hand and not climb into his soul and he is ok with seeing the fire in my heart. We have to keep each other at arms length.
This is complete bullshit. It’s essentially “change your entire life and procedure to accommodate a DA.” Just run. They aren’t worth the effort.
YEP!!! DONT waste your own life!!! You are not the thrapist!!
Amen
You should never change your whole life to suit someone else but she is talking about a situation in which both partners are trying to learn how to communicate across the different attachment styles. DAs are very problem solving oriented and even though this seems hard for some of you to understand they learn at least as much about their partners attachment style and preferred way of communication as the other parties do.
I don’t know why this is so hard for some of you to see.
I realize that avoidant people usually have very high awareness about "power dynamics", the kind of language subcomunication best seen in presidential debates, and that's why the are very sensitive to microagressions, they learned early to understand those as threats to their social status.
Avoidants come from a trauma background. Obviously they would be scanning for micro aggressions.
I find I do well communicating until he says “I’m not doing this right now” and something inside me gets triggered and I fall into unhealthy communication. I’ve learned this so try to stop myself but I’m feeling crazy the entire time. I think it triggers abandonment and makes me fear that he’s trying to train me to keep my mouth shut as the narcissists I was with before would do.
Well it very invalidating and disrespectful, reactive abuse is a thing. Yes you need to keep your integrity in these moments, but dealing with this type of behaviour will make you crazy. Good luck, I hope you find happiness. Don’t abandon yourself too long.
This is exactly what my ex would say and the silent treatment would begin. Triggered me massively but I could see how wrong a week long silent treatment was, so I tried extremely hard to be present in the reality and not make excuses for him. To see it exactly for what it was.
Wow , I think I just wrote this. Why can't I find someone that isn't a narcissist, that actually wants to stay in a relationship even if there is a small disagreement, I just want someone to add to my life, I'm a really good man, I raised my son on my own, I'm a home owner on my own, I love hard. I don't cheat . I try so hard. .why don't ppl just want to be happy together , be nice to each other and have a life together. And give each other our needs , not this one way relationship stuff. I'm 36 I'm tired of starting over after always trying so hard , only reason I have had long relationships is because I fought for them . I can't fight for someone anymore that won't fight for me back .
@@brianburrisTry being 65, with terminal cancer, and facing starting over. Being at the end of my rope, I was researching marital issues and this term was used. I just learned I've been in a 25 year relationship (20 year marriage) with a Dismissive Avoidant for the first time yesterday. It fits him perfectly. I understand the person can learn to change this but, at 72, I doubt my husband will. 😢
@@bobbylacy2374 just yesterday you found this information?! Oh my! Well Im so glad you’ve found it. It can help, i promise you it can. There is a lot of good info out there but there’s also bad. Use your discernment. This channel and school has changed my life like night and day. There are also videos by men for DA men… I think his name is Adam. I highly recommend trying the 7 day trial with PDS. There’s live webinars everyday and you’ll meet a lot of us who’ve gone through similar situations and Thais can answer your personal questions too. And more often than not people do “change” once they know how. Theres hope.
DAs are amazing people and we can learn so much from them about ourselves. It’s an interesting learning curve and if you end up with them or no (in my case ten years on and off) it’s a lesson to be learned and something to be healed. ❤
Priceless insights but I'm having the hardest time HEARING what you have to say... sound quality is totally hashed!!!
I can be friends with an avoidant, but never lover. Once was enough. I became anxious and I'm usually secure. It was crazy. Good for maybe a fling or a casual situation, but you really need to find a avoiding whos self aware for it to work. Which i think its rare to find..
YA been there!
I needed this six months ago
Better late than never
Spot on with the distracting music! I know better now, but the 2 avoidants I had “the pleasure” of being with could not be in silence. One even admitted it was so he didn’t have to feel his emotions (we ended not long after due to his overall avoidant behavior..I finally saw all I needed to see to call it)!
I dont want to feel like a fool. I do want to be better at dealing with DA. i think it helps me to grow also but when and where do i draw the line. This journey is a lot of work. I guess i wish someone took the time and did the work for me but the truth is it is up to the individual.
Can you do the work for you? Spend the time on your self development?
@Littleowl85352 yes I am. You don't even know how much growth you need or how much you need to grow until you are in relationships or having relationship. All I can do is work on me.
NO NO NO NO!!! WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? YOUR LIFE? You have value.,,worth a life just for you!!
The more I watch these videos, the more convinced I am that avoidants are the least satisfying person to date. Avoid the avoidant.
Can you start a podcast so i can just have you on in the background all the time lol i love the content its the main thing i listen to on youtube 😅
I would love small relationship Ho To guide books based on Attachment Type. I unfortunately raised my kids as an FA, I did my best and provided well but I know have DA and FA kids who are navigating relationships. They are new to relationships but if the self-strageties, relationship strategies are in books/journal type books I could leave them around or send as little gifts without being too codependent 😅
Same. My son is a sweetheart, but definitely leans avoidant and my daughter seems to be showing FA traits. I try to help them resolve things in a healthy way. We have a lot of deep conversations together.
As a DA. I've been going to therapy as well for BPD. Talk about a shit storm I am. But all of these videos highlight things that I have been identifying to help reduce these issues. Seeing everyone say to run sucks. I get it. I've pushed my wife so far after 6 1/2 years. 2 years of separation and therapy and trying was still not good enough for her.
You are dating someone for a few good months but yet, you don’t want to pose the question, “what are we?” Just to protect their feelings. I appreciate a lot of your content and I’ve learned a lot, but I also feel that the information given is to justify and coddle the avoidant. But yet, what about the other half of the relationship? A relationship is a 2 way street and should be treated as such, not just one person giving more for the other because the other can’t do the work to realize what is going on within themselves.
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak
In the background of all of this the disclaimer here is that the avoidants attachment style is NOT conducive for a healthy relationship. So dont go into this expecting that the avoidant will change. Likely, they may not change at all and you have to be okay with that if you choose to continue to have a relationship with that person. It's not personal, they just aren't in the space to heal and until they do the inner-work they will continue to struggle to have healthy interdependent relationships. The choice to stand beside them until that happens is yours.
When they future fake and bring up all these milestones themselves, why would you have any reason to believe that they would pull the rug out from under you?
Thanks for this video! I was just writing my FA that I’m not getting enough time with her and it was feeling like an ultimatum (it kinda is). Your advice made me realize I was being too pushy so I softened the language and included positive feedback. I hope it works!
Thanks for doing that. I'm a healing FA and can't seem to date because I don't want to see anyone more that 3 or 4 times a month. That's why I don't even try dating. My ex is avoidant so he totally got me but most don't. Softening the conversation will definitely land better with her. ❤
How would you soften it? Any examples?
I went from “This is not working for me. I need more out of this relationship. Here’s what needs to change: (numbered list)” to something less confrontational . I started with telling her how much I appreciate when we can spend time together, a compliment on a gift she gave me at Christmas, and “I want our relationship to be strong and last a long time. To help that happen, there are a couple things that I think will help us be closer and trusting of each other.” My requests were one date a week, even as simple as coffee is ok, and a phone call or text conversation every night. To me this sounds like the minimum to keep a relationship hanging on, but I have a feeling that it might still be too much for her.
She’s been a constant source of pain and frustration (stood me up, ghosted, every text conversation ends unresolved when she goes silent, tells me about fun activities she did with her friends but nothing for me, she forgets important conversations). It’s gone on for more than a year, and I’m finally drawing a line. I hope the softer approach will help.
She hasn’t responded yet. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for. I can’t imagine making any kind of long term plans with her, unless she changes DRAMATICALLY and, while I’ve been hoping that my emotional support and trustworthy affection would help her, nothing has changed. I’m not going to hope for that anymore, it’s literally out of my hands and she has said in the past that she just has too much going on to give me what I ask for.
I just realized how many times I’ve used “hope” when it comes to my side of this relationship. I’m ready for something real instead of hoping.
I am honestly sick of all the avoidant hate that goes on in these comments sections in basically every attachment style video I have seen. I was an anxious attachment style, but now I lean much more secure. I take responsibility for myself and who I allow into my life. If you are coming on here and commenting negatively about avoidants, you probably need to seriously work on yourself before getting into a relationship because you’re spewing the same toxicity that you say avoidants have. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but sometimes you have to be blunt. You are allowed to leave a relationship if you feel it’s one sided, you are allowed to stay and work on it, but either way it’s your choice. Choose your suffering, choose your battle. At the end of the day though, whether you stay or go, you need to figure out who you are and put yourself first, otherwise you’re going to lose yourself in that other person and come on TH-cam to bash them in the comments section instead of actually seeking help.
❤
Those are scary people who obviously don't love themselves or others
I understand what you're saying, but I'm going to gently push back a bit here and point out the DA's patterns of intermittent reinforcement literally cause a _physical_, neurochemical addictive response. If leaving were a "choice" Thais wouldn't have so many videos explaining that impact and the need for subconscious reprogramming.
@@Shutzie27 as a recovering addict and a DA it is a choice to heal from addiction, to go get the correct help instead of wailing in a corner blaming the world and everyone else for your addiction
@@Littleowl85352 I agree, but I think there is power in learning and understanding the source(s) of one’s addictive behaviors. The problem is what you said, when people *stay* in the external fault-finding so they don’t have to grow.
Thank you for creating and sharing.
I dont like the comments section, people who say 'just leave them alone, run, no one should cater to a DA' etc...i would agree but only under certain circumstances. If you are newly dating or the DA never compensates and doesnt care that his behavior bothers you. My husband is a total DA and I do empathise and respect him and understanding him better helped me adapt my communication style. Because I love him and we have a family and im not going to dump it all because of his attachment type. I have anxious attachment by the way, but his consistency and lack of volatility helps me feel more secure even if we are rarely as "close" as Id like to be.
I have recently married a Filipina lady, this is one hurdle straight away as they don’t think like a western woman obviously. But she is definitely a dismissive avoidant I think. When I ring her to talk (I work away) she asks me if I’m alright. I say sure, are you. Then she starts by saying, because you always have a drama I’m scared of you. I am totally at loss what is going on as I just want to be sweet and kind and see how her day went. It’s like she wants to fight.
Hi ThIs. Yes middle ground 100%. If you over support or under support they do close down. Was this a live I mused?
Catering to a DA? What’s the next video? Catering to a Narc? 🧐
It is getting old. I wish she would do some videos on how avoidants have to cater to their anxious partner, but I guess she must know that would get zero clicks by avoidants.
The question is, is there anyone here who's healed from being a DA? Is it possible to heal and become more secure ??? As a DA i hate that im so closed off, i am desperate to change and try save my relationship. Ill do anything but sometimes it feels impossible to change. I just discovered this channel and hoping to hear from others who have done the course, did it work
Sounds exhausting 😢. Love shouldn't be soooo difficult
Love isn't, but an avoident doesn't love you, they love themselves
I'm grateful to have subscribed to your channel. May I please offer a respectful request. You speak super fast. By slowing down, it gives the listener an absorption of your words and a vibe without worrying what they missed. I wish to continue my journey as a subscriber. Thank you.
Speaks too fast and with a silly fry. I'm English and have loads of American friends, but I have to use the subtitles and run at .75 speed
You can control the speed of the videos on TH-cam with Playback speed in settings.
@@bakekay21 Sure, but why should I have to, and it only makes the fry worse anyway 🤷♂ I'm not getting at her - but it's an affectation, not something congenital
Didn't know there was a word for it: "fry". Thanks. It makes listening to someone with it a horrible experience.
Great video! This is what we need to know abt how to interact and disengage the negative thoughts/behaviors/ruminations before they start. Thank you! 😊
As an avoidant, I highly resent any form of manipulation. Most of us cope with it at work because it is what we have to do to make a living, but in our personal lives, it’s an absolute no go.
The problem is that people like you can construe anything as manipulation.
@@KellyCostello-xw8be No. There is no “can construe” anything. There is manipulation or there is not. And knowing the difference is not a problem for me, it’s a problem for manipulative people. So, if you consider it a problem, I can’t help you.
Best thing I did was divorce my DA😅…my new girl gives me the healthy attachment I deserved
Thank you Thais!! You deserve so much more views
I feel like DAs get turned off about someone else’s needs? They don’t want to be relied upon in my experience, especially severe avoidants who fear enmeshment. It’s a lose lose I guess lol
This makes sense
That's so interesting. I'm a DA but I always go into fight mode in conflict - I don't like conflict but I get so defensive that I will destroy the other person in front of me
YOU MAKE SO MUCH SENSE !!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!
Being traumatized by a FA is something I never saw coming. Putting a term FA with a little bow tie is not enough. This is a serious mental health condition and one that needs to be disclosed in the first couple dates. It is unfair to people who are normal and wanting normal healthy relationships.
I sadly agree. I was trying to connect with an FA, and they are in no way trying to build anything. It's literally one-sided. They don't speak, check-in or nothing. Makes me feel desperate. I'm an AP and it not good for my health 😮💨
Google "Quiet BPD"
Are you unable to screen your dates? She has videos on this. It's your responsibility to take care of you. Don't blame it on the FA
She’s a runner - watch and walk away - she’s a runner you can’t make her stay
Hey, what is the name of the full webinar this was cut from in the school? I’d like to watch it please and thank you 😊
Hi Thias, I truly cannot thank you enough for putting out these videos, they are so helpful and informative for me, I love all the examples and practical tips you offer! I have a question: recently I had a guy tell me needs are fake. I kinda understand what he means since I could say, for example, I need to chat 2-4x per week to feel connected and loved, but is it actually necessary? I need consistency, but if it's imperfect, does that negate all the previous effort? If it becomes consistently imperfect, that might change my feelings towards a man, so I see how those are things I need to progress a relationship, but how would I address a comment like that? He agreed children have needs, but I guess I am not sure if that was gaslighting or a narcissistic comment, or a red flag? I have trouble identifying these things since I have had to question reality so much throughout my life, and I find it a struggle to express my needs so hearing a comment like this was confusing for me, even though I realize that he may not be the right person for me if he doesn't care about what I feel is important for me in a relationship..
Literally be his or her mother 🤦🏾♀️ only that they are not an actual toddler having an emotional breakdown.And they can also make adult decisions such as walk away🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ NO. If they are not working on their trauma NO.
My DA would be terrifieed at the title of thisvideo. His eyes would get big. 😂 and he would be scared. My opinion is once i can see how vulnerable he really is and how much he feels, its really easy to get why so many walls are in fact up.
It's strange, I'm a DA and when I open up about a problem to someone else, I hate when they actually just validate but don't help... like, I open up because I'm looking for solutions, not to be told "I'm sorry for you"... must be just me, I don't know.
Reflect honestly on how safe you are as a person before you get snippy at others for not feeling safe around you. Defenses are there for a reason, the world crawls with codependents who want you to toe the line and love them in exactly the right way so they never have to sit with their pain and fear.
Im an avoidant with ptsd and betrayal trauma due to my husbands affair. All I hear is how horrid I am for having an avoidant attachment and no accountability for what makes an avoidant attachment style. For everyone bashing the avoidant, make sure you didnt make them that way first and look inwards. Otherwise all you do is verify why we are this way.
Betrayal trauma lol. Just stop being scared of everything not everyone is the same
When I try to validate emotions or give love to my DA, he laughs at me. This is a mentally exhausting GAME.
In other words, you have to walk on eggshells with these people.
You have to know yourself, your needs, what works for you and state your boundaries in a calm, assertive way. It should be emotionally safe for both parties.
Wishing you healing. ❤
I swear I dislike them more and more each day. The whole relationship is about them.
@@trinaijathey're actually pretty great humans most of the time. It really depends on the person. I adore my DA friends and exes.
@@OregonSingles So I have to have gone to therapy, be perfectly healthy and safe, but they are allowed to just be damaged and refuse to do anything about it. But I ahve to show up as perfectly ehaled and reparent them...
I wonder how many DAs are only children? Maybe do a survey? Conflict is Normal. Look at siblings. Many know bickering frequently and still love each other. We need to learn to lean into Repair. And be accountable for our own impact and responses.
Forget this. How do I bypass my fearful avoidant issues so I can form deeper connections easier
Damn. This sounds exhausting. How do i get a chance to speak to them honestly and intimately?
Im 20 years deep and trying to be so patient. I feel like there is never enough time or space for me in conversation. Its very one sided
You need to leave them, you deserve better.
JUST WALK AWAY!!!!! They are NOT worth it! You are worth having a healthy relationship with someone else though!
While I completely agree that we are worth having a healthy relationship with someone, so are they.
Some people (like my partner) are completely unaware of how dismissive and avoidant he is. He is an extremely caring, loving, wonderful man who had completely oblivious parents who never even told him they loved him. While our relationship has been extremely difficult, I know he still deserves love just as much as I do. I just hope one day he can break out of his avoidant shell and be free and accept love. I won't brush off that he wasn't as privileged as me to receive emotional availability from his parents.
If you’re dating a da. You’re in a situation ship. Find someone who give you the whole loaf of bread and not just the crumbs
What if they tell you they wont forget about you when tell them that you will love and miss them when they are in another Realationship but the new Realationship has only been partime they only see on the weekends and he got arrested and she still wants to see me i dont understand why she is not wanting to connect
But conflict doesnt have to mean shouting. Shouting is leanign more to the abuse side.
I found out that I am a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant and my wife said she feels more like a roommate than my wife and I tried to change to make her not feel that way but I guess I couldn't show her more affection that she wanted and I also wanted... It's just so difficult I was wondering why I couldn't do it even though I tried what I felt like wasn't my best but it still wasn't enough 😢
How do you show affection and how does she want you to show affection?
You should read the five love languages
It constantly blows my mind (after the worst heartache of my life) how blind I was to her perspective and how I don't know a damn thing. I'm never spending another minute of my life without considering my partner's feelings and how they feel when I open my mouth or react. ESPECIALLY when they aren't communicating it the way I need. If only I could go back in time and back hand myself in the big dumb face. God, I miss her.
Thank you.
Do any of these apply to FA leaning DA? I'm having issues with FA meeting more of my needs.
❤❤❤
Grow up and heal
But the dismissive avoidant is the one who gets loud and aggressive...I don’t understand???
Maybe if it's a fearful avoidant, but all the da's I've had in my life never fight or get loud and aggressive.
@@LeeChrissy we can if we are drunk or highly annoyed
@@Littleowl85352 gotcha. The few DA's in my life are either stoners or sober. I've never seen any overreactive sides of them.
@@LeeChrissy alcohol lets all the repressed emotion out in a horrific way
Please don't take this as harsh, but for your sake, please invest in a better mic.
Nah, Da are completely nuts, and they will make you insane, your best bet is to dump them, they are incapable of relationship, you cannot treat them like children for your sanity move on, it's not your job to fix them, they can nevef be fixed, they are children in an adult body, you will go insane,
Well. Anyone can heal. It's not impossible for us, but it is certainly not the partner's job. In our defence, I am sure no dismissive avoidant actually asked their partner to be their therapist. We really do need to do this ourselves or in a professional setting.
FA's are worse. You won't know your arse from your elbow 99% of the time. At least a DA is obvious. FA's are like quicksand
AMEN!
Why don’t you do any videos on how the avoidants could be better with anxious people? This is absolutely exhausting. As someone who has worked to be more secure…I don’t think anyone should hold these peoples hands and do all the work for them. That’s called enabling.
She’s trying to make a compliment sandwich. It’s so much easier than this. Say what you want, and then be ok with hearing, no I can’t do that. The problem is that you feel entitled to EVERYONE catering to you and your needs instead of saying, I need something from you, what can I do for you to get that? The things you’re telling people to do will backfire
Why do we have to be walking on egg shells for DAs, only for them to treat us like shit?
gosh every time i go into one of these vid's comment section i see so many people resenting avoidants for no reason rlly. just go to therapy and accept u had a crappy relationship, not every DA is evil please stfu ✋🏻💀
Said the Dismissive Avoidant. Scroll on, superior but insecure and damaged being who makes other's lives Hell! .
Love your videos, thx for help! ❤
No offend but why are you doing that Kourtney K. thing with yout voice at the end of almost every sentence? It's horrible to listen to. 😢This really hurts my ears
Content is great but Your audio is horrible.
my FA dumper is still triggered if he see me on the street and gets angry. So i dont think I can bypass that. He wont even greet me on the street. lol.
Why the anger?
@@DaveE99 no idea, I never did anything and went directly into no contact. 7 months ago I moved into his neighbor town because of a new job and since then, everytime he sees me he either stares at me angrily or avoid me completely. I think my whole existence in his area now, triggers him
I experience the same with a DA😂 he broke up with me, and I went straight to no contact. 4 months later he avoids my friends too😂
@@ivfel our breakup was 2 years ago :D
@@DeadMysticx that’s interesting, I’m FA and that just don’t make a ton of sense to me unless he got really hurt and felt betrayed by it or something, there are some things that can cause us to hold grudges longer too. Perhaps as a protective mechanism. Maybe he invested more than you thought and then got kinda blindsided, I had that happen once and god did that screw with me, it actually was what got me researching how women think feel and behave as well as my self and others. It was like I certainly wasn’t in Kansas anymore. And I’m def not perfectly healed as still more work but god has that just been a sort of cynical things seeing how people work in general, and perhaps it’s the people around me coupled with the out group competition mentality I see amoungst a lot of society.
I just just don’t think it’s healthy for AA folks to push to people that clearly still have work to do… mah more videos of DA’s actually doing the weed work😊
Maybe you could speak a little slower so we have a chance to understand what you're trying to say. Maybe pause once in a while also.
You may not communicate "optimoly"! In short , you need to tailor your life to fit their disorder! You want to live that way? You want to be a therapist and waste your life?
NO! Too much. Don't want to date a child.
Way to much work , so many other people out there
real
What are you doing? 3:44, 4:11, 5:05, 5:37, 8:00, 9:49, 10:53, 11:40, 15:33 it is very annoying, also bad quality microphone sound and the vocal fry. Thank you for the content, though.
A relationship with a DA? 😂😂😂 They never want a relationship 😂 They won't commit because that makes them feel trapped, etc...they need excessive therapy. They're too insecure to communicate because they always feel attacked and feel shame. They take everything personally.
The only way you can help someone is to put them in discomfort. Growth is outside comfort zone. All this cocooning and enabling isn't going to help them or us. I totally disagree with this approach. Why suppress our own pain to enable their dysfunction, it doesn't make sense. This video doesn't provide much bypassing, it's about more ways to enable their dysfunction, going round in circles about how they cannot cope with life and relationships and how us as partners have to suppress our feelings and put ourselves to the side for them.
My gf and I started dating two weeks ago, out of respect, I would send her pictures of where I was and what I was doing when I was with other women.
A few days ago, one of my female friends, joked and called me a "sexy ass", at first my girlfriend said she was not mad and considered it a compliment. But a day later she blocked me, ghosted me, and send a message to my female friend saying she can have me. But before all that happened, I told my GF, that my female friend was already married and has kids.
I bring this up because my "GF" is a avoidant, she basically acts like I cheated but I'm not a cheater.
What can I do? I have been praying, but I feel miserable.
Let her go and focus on loving yourself. She is clearly not stable enough to have a relationship and you will be doing her no favours by maintaining one with her. It will hurt but in life we need to learn how to tolerate and manage pain rather than chasing it away prematurely 🌹🌹
@@Littleowl85352 She has been maturing and making effort tho, personally it's a big misunderstanding, she assumed I cheated because my female friend was joking around. I also want to mention my "GF" has autism and was bullied growing up.
This is not a excuse, I still think it's immature of her to leave and block me, but I believe she did take for needing space. Yes, I agree it's an immature way for wanting space but she didn't grow up with both parents in her life and is not a Only-Child. I knew her for five years, call me crazy, but I don't wanna lose her over a misunderstanding and poor decisions. I never cheated on her.
@@Littleowl85352 IF I may ask, have you dated a avoidant before? They have a habit of blocking people.
They do jealous for their national team. You know what they say: someone gets jealous because they project their own behaviour. They may not play away on you, but they'll dump you for nothing, which is about as bad
@@Littleowl85352 She was getting better, as a partner. And our energies were in sync. She had learned from past mistakes and improved, she even talked about her desires to improve. This situation happened because my female friend who is 34, married with kids, thought it would be "funny" to call me "sexy" right in front of my girlfriend. Now I agree, my gf should have been more mature and talked about it with me, but she's got stress already from work, her mother, and events happening this month. She blocked me and I can't even explain that I never cheated on her. Every time I got outside, I send my gf pics to show her where I am at, outta respect for our relationship.
Now I worry if I will her again and if she will still love me. All this over a joke that should not have been said about me.