Have a question I am going to start no contact however she is supposed to take me to the airport this weekend and pick me up. The bigger part was she was going to come by my house and check on my dog several times while I am away. So she may may text do I answer and say I can take myself to the airport and she has keys or should I just not respond to her texts at all wouldnt that make her mad
The first round of my situation with my ex is a textbook example of an Anxious Attachment (me) DA relationship. After a few dates, we had our first kiss, and then we quickly ran into the deepest love of our lives. After a lovely festival season with our families and 4.5 months in the relationship, at the beginning of January, she started to act differently, and when I asked what the problem was, she answered that she was not sure about her feelings anymore. My nervous system kicked off and I was unable to calm down myself, which in turn resulted in a day-long breakup in January and a second one in mid-February. Interestingly, we kept meeting but with much-reduced intimacy until mid-April. These two months were extremely painful for me cos I felt that I had found the love of my life and wanted more than this from the relationship. As soon as I found out that I was an Anxious attachment, I started to work on it but oc I'm still far from being secure. So the "end" of the above situation was that I told her not to meet and go no contact. That was less than two weeks ago. However, I opened my letterbox this morning and found a letter from her. In the letter, she apologized for the not-so-nice things she had said about me after the breakup (I always felt that those were made-up excuses for her not to deal with her insecurities and childhood wounds). She also mentioned that she was confused and we shouldn't have kept going in the past two months, made a list of what she likes in me, and said that she hopes that we will find a way to speak in the future. Now, in my mind, the letter can mean that it is her closure with me but on the other hand, she might want to reconnect. She has had ambivalent feelings which I find extremely difficult to navigate but at the same time, I love her and want to make our relationship work. How on Earth could a DA write me a letter within two weeks of going no contact, and what could be the best step for me right now? Even though I'd love to be with her right away, I know that I need to work on myself more before we could try and work out our relationship. The nice thing is she also works on herself, especially on her childhood traumas, which hopefully could somehow make her attachment type more secure.
After 8 months I can finally say that I don't care watching video's about this anymore. The only thing I wish to do is to set a boundary with my ex and say "You didn't treat me right and disrespected me" "I have no desire to have small talk" etc. Have trust in your process and you'll get better too. I feel like I'm almost there❤
The exact same point I found within myself this past week. Exactly 8 months of additional time I've given them. Spending so much time day after day learning about their dynamic and my own in order to give us every opportunity together to work through, but they simply won't put in any work. I've definitely checked out from them now. It wasn't even fun while it lasted...and now all I can do is laugh at myself for thinking I could prove MYSELF wrong. Here's a toast to us get to this point and stopping the BS 🥂
Do no contact and heal yourself, and ask why you wanted someone who cant be present in a relationship and work through issues instead of running from them. These people rarely work on themselves and are always the victim. They have a victimhood mindset, and look to blame everyone but themselves. Use no contact to heal and get better, not to try and reconnect with these people. Pray for their healing and move on.
Probably because they didn't show up like that in the beginning and you're still pining for who they where. It takes a minute to see the reality of the situation for what it is, alot of times that's why.
I used to watch these no contact videos to get a sense of how to navigate a better outcome. After trying so many times, I have given up. No contact doesn’t have a window for me anymore, it’s just permanent. But thanks Thais for these videos. It has made me learn about myself
When I felt the lowest of low points in my relationship with the DA,I recorded a video for my future self-how I cry,sobbing and asking to never let myself in this dynamic again ! The push pull dynamic with the DA made my nervous system so misearble,week,lost,depleted of almost all resources I had.I was broken to a point of not recognising myself.It was like a F5 grade tornado that destroied everything in it's way.I am so geateful I survived ! I am in 5 months no contact now,whenever I flirt with the idea that I am ok now and could maintain a friendship status with that person,I watch again that video I made for myself.It helps tremendously !
Goodness! What a brave fearless woman you are! To do what you did there, Brilliant may you see yourself.as thriving even when you need reminders stay in peace✌🏾
Why would one go through everything again from scratch after no contact. I've been in no contact for 3 months now and I am wanting to go back less and less. The person has exausted me and now life is easier. Just by the thought of having him back here I feel bothered! But, no contact has helped me detach slowly and kept me from feeling heartbroken. Fact is that people change when THEY want to change. I am learning communication skills here though.
I went no contact worked on myself now i dont want him and im not attracted to him.All we have to do is follow their instructions and you will heal and be like what was so broken in that I would put up with the mental abuse of such a person.
I had an FA leaning DA ex FINALLY be vulnerable to say "I love you" during reconnecting stage of a breakup. After she said that she had vulnerability hangover and went missing. Never got closure, very heartbreaking to experience 💔
There is absolutely no point in reuniting with someone who is cruel and disinterested. No point. I have seen avoidants behave like idiots in relationships with people who were way too good for them. If you respect yourself, you don’t go back.
Depending on the situation and relationship, finding a new partner can be the right choice. Although if someone is looking to reconnect and give their previous relationship another chance, this will help to do that in the best way possible ❤
The dating pool is riddled with pee that’s why. Might be a good idea to stop discarding people and try to work through issues IF there was a genuine connection once. Hurt people are hurting people and we all just want to feel loved and secure.
Just learned that I am avoidant/fearfull avoidant and trying so hard not to contact him... but I know that I don't know what I want, there is no point in hurting him again until I figure it out....
spend time with yourself. Turn your cellphone off (or put it away) and spend time. Try to figure out what you like, want and need. This takes a long time because you probably never did this in your entire life
You won't lose him if he is in love. I've been no contact for a long time and I still feel in love with my person. It's a healthy thing to do while you sort yourself out and I commend you for it.
I’m on the receiving end of this rite now. We made plans to move forward in our relationship and at the last minute she said we need a break. 💔. She hasn’t spent one single weekend with me in 6 months. She makes all the plans and then something always comes up. She said she has fear from me because I get upset ( frustrated) when she’s not congruent. There for she’s flaw finding. Now we’re not seeing or talking or texting it all feel so up in the air. I’m willing to hold on a bit longer but she wasn’t clear on her motives. Is it a break or a break up? I know I have the choice also. I think clear communication is showing respect for the one that’s stuck it out with you. I would suggest just being straight with him. Tell exactly how you feel even if you don’t know what you want. Or Let him go and see what life is like without him. Just my .02€
@@user-ix3nt2mp5c well I actually did broken up, I couldn't imagine holding him on the edge for longer than a week or two to sort it out, that's just cruel. At the time I didn't know what happened, that I am FA and I just needed to runaway. I explained him how I feel, he knew about my past depressions and he thought I just have it back. I didn't told him yet, I feel like i'm back with depression as well now, but I want to keep No contact for some time, so we both can heal, cool off. I don't know how long your relationship was or is she is healing and working On herself, it's such a difficult situation...
Watching enough about avoidants you realize your life has to evolve around them and they’ll never evolve around yours. They’re self centered. Leave them and find someone who can feel love.
Thais, ever going to discuss the many varied health issues and effects repressing emotions have on avoidantly attached people? The studies are out there and the effects include a higher propensity for cardiovascular disease, dementia, inflammatory diseases, lack of ability to *actually* regulate cortisol (despite how they look on the outside) and stress responses etc.? Because I feel like that would be a better PSA then some of these videos.
The content is great! Here’s my problem, I’m struggling through this nightmare for 10 weeks now. I’m still finding this to be a soul crushing experience. What is not discussed in most of the videos across the board is. Most if not all Avoidants have addiction issues. Mine is alcoholism. I didn’t really realize this until the end because I was her long distance situation ship. I didn’t know about any of this stuff before I met her a year plus ago. Now I see everything clearly now… OMG! Now what? Please include addition in these videos to make it even more clear that we are wasting our time!
Best thing you can do is heal yourself maybe through PDS courses and then figure out what your boundaries and non-negotiables are. If your needs aren't being met which it sounds like they aren't, then you have to make a decision. From the sound of it, you already know the answer.
If it makes you feel any better, mine is also addicted to alcohol. Whenever he ghosts me after some vulnerable event, I know hes going on a three day bender with drugs/alcohol and the whole lot. Really shit to see, but remember you can’t change someone’s life for them. They have to want it bad enough themselves. Just make them aware of what they are and what they do with that information is up to them.
Reach out twice: once to explain that you are there and that they are not abandoned, and the second time to indicate that their time and space matters but that it is healthy to communicate and reach reconciliation and that they can reach out when they are ready. This serves to mitigate abandonment wounds while also providing the extra space to come to you at their own pace. After that, focus on your own life. If they return, go slow and move towards showing them healthier ways to communicate and show them that they are safe with you.
After 3 years of relentlessly racking my brain and looking from both sides of the situation. I don't want to put any effort into anyone with the attachment style. I will be keeping an eye out in the future for anyone who throws any red flags. It's been a complete waste of my time and my efforts. Many many years of therapy for these people.
Avoids "distract "themselves within the connection. They are often disassociating and avoiding the relationship before they pull out the rug from under you for real... We just don't anticipate it before the rude awakening of them going MIA.. They are not worth it. It's settling for ongoing hurt and pain which is guaranteed.. Walk away..
I am anxious attached, and i am the one who broke up with the person cos i couldnt tolerate coldness and ignorance in the relationship , after i broke up i felt depressed, cos i didnt want to but the inner pain and protest mode was activated, i regret it but deeply i know it was right for me tho. It takes time to heal i know as i experienced the same with a narcissist before but i really didnt know about attachment styles by then, but it seems to be true that we r ( anxiously preoccupied) ppl tend to attract narcs and avoidants. Time heals i know it. I love the person but i love my dignity and myself too, enough taking breadcrumbs. Most of comments here by ppl who got dumped by avoidants, any anxious here who were the dumper! Please share your story
@@canis556 There are many tests you can do that gives you a hint of what kind of attachers you are, I find anxious preoccupied traits in me, yet it is a spectrum not everyone as extreme as another but finally I see many traits fit my personality, I am working on my issues anyway, that's why we tend to watch such videos
@@canis556 we all have attachment styles. This person tests anxious and it shows because of the type of people they are attracted to. Secure people can navigate through these situations better which is why we should ALL strive to become secure. Once I did the work to become more secure, I stopped accepting breadcrumbs and valued myself more. My anxiety had nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my unhealed wounds. This goes for a lot of people.
How I feel during no contact as a DA (please be respectful, I'm not your ex and I've never harmed you). Confused. My anxiety goes into overdrive as I try and analyse the situation. Brain goes almost red-hot. As an INTP, I need to mentally dissect a large emotionally stressful event in order to make sense of it. I manage all the stress and anxiety through various healthy practices that are genuinely helping me achieve great things in life. Feeling my feelings and processing them healthily as opposed to repressing them has been interesting and I can't say I always enjoy it. I will not be the one to reach out. I'm terrified of this person's rages and it simply doesn't feel right to do so.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! I wonder what reconnecting and making the first move would feel, when the ex partner was SA, and the relationship was generally very peaceful, warm and calming.
@@0Demiyah0 I am honestly not sure! I never had a relationship like that. But I guess it's worth a try? But I always say only reach out if you are prepared to tolerate a no with dignity.
@@Littleowl85352 yes, I agree that feeling mentally ready for a plausible 'no' is important self-care. I confess that I asked the question because I recently ended things with my DA. The relationship was not progressing to the next commitment. However, I'm SA and have no resentment towards my ex. Even in the final conversations we've had, we spend several hours talking it through to provide mutual understanding. We were honest, calm, caring, respectful and kind. Anybody would have thought we are a loving couple, even if the discussion was about separation. I saw him as the man I can grow old with, but he's an "ethical avoidant" who denies any future of being married / having long lasting relational happiness. So, obviously, that left me no choice but to set consequences to that attitude, as that leaves me in a position where I need to find a man who wants the same things; the stability, security, clarity and commitment that I do. Who says "you are the woman I want to grow old with". That doesn't mean however that I still hope he changes his mind, especially since our connection was calming, uplifting and respectful.
@@Littleowl85352 thanks, I agree with you that checking with yourself whether you're able to take a 'no' is self-care. I am asking honestly because I am SA and I decided to move on from my DA, who is my special person, because I wanted to be with someone ultimately who has the perspective that they want full commitment, a ring and marriage too. He was an "ethical avoidant"; someone who believed to his core that he is destined to be alone. That leaves me with no other solution to find a man who tells me they want to grow old with me. However, everything about how we mutually dealt with this was kind, respectful, caring, with good energy. You'd have guessed we are a couple happy in love, if it wasn't that we were discussing separation. We took the time to have a couple conversations, and he shed some tears at the end. I really could see myself get old and happy with him, and after 6 years I knew what it would mean to say I sign up for that. So part of me hopes that since we had a good and mostly trouble-free connection, he might have more courage if he changes his mind.
Unfortunately even when you state what needs to change they will change it to get you back and once it’s back and comfortable, rinse and repeat. It doesn’t change long term in my experience. Better off moving on
It’s because you aren’t actually “broken up” it’s when they the DA is detached and they will maybe talk to you still here and there and get back slowly with you by flirting “re dating”possibly I think that’s what she meant by the title
What about those who go no-contact for like 10-15 days? Then text again something shallow and lighhearted like nothing never happened, while i was going crazy, but I'm not gonna show him that. It was enough for me to feel unwanted though and I try to move on. I can't feel like an option anymore... But I get across this type of men again and again and I'm genuinely interested in knowing WHAT IS THIS. Really. I don't know anymore if these are just f*boys seeing you really as an option, narcs who use this as a method to trauma-bond you or avoidants...I can't tell. Thank you.
They're not using no-contact, they're just not contacting you in those few weeks. No contact is a method used to heal yourself and/or get your ex back. It doesn't like they're doing either. Sounds like a classic player.
It's like dealing with different personalities. They switch from one extreme to the next. One minute they won't even talk to you, the next they want to be with you 100% of the time. Absolute insanity!
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Most narcissists use it as a method to create trauma bonds. The one I'm dealing with might be a plain player, but please be aware people use no contact as a tool, too.
@@darkredrose7683 I don't know anything about your ex aside from your post. If I was going with what you wrote, he just sounds like someone who isn't deep in but doesn't want to lose you as an option. I'm not sure. As for being a narcissist, I would only take the word of a qualified physiologist who diagnosed him as one. A lot of people have a couple of narc qualities but it doesn't make them as a narc. He could be an avoidant too. Aside from all that, I'd just stop giving him an in so he feels comfortable coming and going as he pleases. It's clearly hurting and confusing you. Easier said than done I know, but I literally just had to be assertive to an avoidant ex last night and tell him that I'm not interested in what he has to offer.
I hurt my D.A. ex in order to pay her back for hurting me. I probably paid her back a little too harshly now she has no contact with me. And she is back with her other on-agian/off again ex and if I'm being honest, eats me up. She is the one that introduced me to this channel and got me to learning about it and myself. I'm definitely F.A. with possible Anxious and Borderline traits as well. How i can swing from wanting nothing to do with her to missing her to pieces is beyond me. She lied to me about something deeply personal and very disturbing to me and it involves suxual practices within the relationship she has with the ex she is once again, back with now. One she told me repeatedly she was done with for good just end up back with. She lied about many things involving him. How do i let go of this? I've tried finding another woman. No help. Ive drank. Drugged. Traveled. Talked about. Complained and cried. We also have a daughter that suffered from this tumultuous ride this last go around. My friends have told me it takes time. Just feel so alone. And hurt...
It definitely depends on just how avoidant that DA is on the spectrum. And the level of investment they've allowed themselves to make in the relationship. My DA husband didn't want to go past a week or two when I suggested going no contact a year in living together already. We're in a rough patch now in our marriage :/ and I'm the one who doesn't want to really engage with him atm.
My ex is a DA and I've generally leaned avoidant too. One time he mentioned he needed space as he was going through something and I said that sounds fine because so am I. I actually ended up heading out of state for a few days and he contacted me a few times and ask when I was coming back to see each other. I think his abandonment wounds kicked in and he got scared. Also, he wasn't used to dating someone who accepted that he needed space. You're right with the investment part. If they're emotionally attached they're going to have a hard time with no contact.
@@LeeChrissy rIght, I don't think this is talked about enough. DAs actually have some form of abandonment wounds too. My ex DA and I do the same with each other- for the past year we have been broken up, but have not gone a week without contact- but I think this also prolongs the healing period but sometimes its hard if both parties aren't making effort to truly seperate for long periods of time....
Recently married in December. Now maybe on the verge of an D. She's blocked and hasn't talked to me going on 1.5 months now. I am committed to healing myself. Also I am hoping we can figure it out.
I had a 6 year connection with my DA. I am a generally calm, warm and accepting person, so over time he stopped deactivating all together. He took all the initiative with me. To text everyday, suggest to call, invite me out on a date. He was very sweet towards me. It happened before that he , in the middle of a burnout, wanted to separate. But not even 3 days later regretted it. Since that time we've had 2 wonderful years. I've ended it with him now, because I need a full commitment, a ring on my finger and marriage. I am getting in a phase of life where I want to be serious about these life goals, and I need to be with someone who tells me they want to grow old with me. Even during the break-up the energy was very good between us. He did cry a little. I think it's 50/50 he'll realize he wants to propose to me after all.
P.S. I made it very clear to my DA that I am not interested in keeping up a friendship, and if he's not the man who sees me as a wife, he has to clear the space for another mans energy to come into my life. I set a pretty hard no contact boundary. I'm only open for contact of he's in an emergency, or if he changed his mind. It's my birthday today, and I am not even expecting a message from him. I wouldn't reach out to him for his birthday either. That might sound cold to people, but how else can you give another person enough space to reflect and figure it out, and yourself enough separation to move on.
Waiting for someone, who left you, for 2 months, is INSANE. If you make excuses ‘but I love him/her’ you probably have mental issues yourself. Relationship- is a mechanism for two people commitment. otherwise, be true to yourself and call it Your obsession, not love.
You should never wait for someone, period. Life is too precious to be wasting time in waiting mode. Focus on how to support yourself and hopefully you had enough of a life going on that it isn't too hard to fall back on it. If you don't, then focus on building one. Expand your hobbies, go on a trip, work through your shit. That being said, reconciliation happens all the time and is not in itself a bad thing. Two months of separation before attempting to reconnect is nothing in the grand scheme of life. If spending time to be mindful with yourself for 2 months seems like such a hard task, maybe that's a sign of obsession.
@@0Demiyah0 you can still love someone but focus on your own life, right? I think that's what people miss... they don't understand controlling their impulses. There's a grey area between omg I must pursue/ wait for them and completely going septic and disregarding your own feelings for that person.
@@Littleowl85352 yes, very true, I agree. I love you, but I love myself too. It's natural, especially if you were still invested in the relationship, that you may harbor desires to find each other again. But one can balance such feelings together with providing themselves the love and care to live in the moment to their best ability. Two months feels like agony if all you are doing is waiting... And waiting... And questioning... Not living life. If you fill your days with the stuff that give you energy, connection, fulfillment etc. then two months actually passes very quickly.
I have experienced this in the past. Ex has accidentally called me twice after a breakup and hung up, and asked me to pick up clothes that was not even mine, in the breakup just leaving an argument and not trying to say something like I cant take it. So I had to create the closure for both of us, like texting to say goodbye and making the breakup official and wishing them well. I truly believe they are extremely conflict shy. No joke. And yes the flaw finding, my ex was evaluating if I would be the right partner for them: these were their vetting points: do you camp? (They camp once a year) do you ski? (They ski twice a year). I mean how can these points be non negotiable? I dont camp much; but I know how to, and I can adapt, and I have great camping gear, better then his 😂 when I was on a diet, he would ask me: have you weighed yourself? And I was like: I count calories and meassure my waistline. And he is like: I really think you should weigh yourself, and I am like: not weighing works well for me, the scale does not show fatloss, only weightloss. And I dont care about that, and he is like: it would be fun to know 😂 they really like to get into the details of stupid things. Like who cares? It is my body, I see the reaults, and I am okay with not weighing. And that said: I am quite slim, I just diet a couple of times per year, just to make sure those pounds are not creeping up too much. Somehow avoidants are quite controlling, they need things to be in a certain way, or they just cant compute. One other thing I have discovered: they have more empathy towards friends and colleagues then their partners. Like when I was being sexually herassed at work, he was like: Oh, really? In sort of disbelief. And when a female friend of his told him it happened to her as well: he came to me and told me: wow she has been severely sexually herassed, that is so terrible that that has happened to her. In my case I ended up contacting a lawyer and arranged a severance package to get out. Another ex did something similar: I was chased on the street almost attacked by someone, and he went on like nothing has happened. But as soon as something happened to his friend all hands on deck trying to help soothe them. I have seen this with other friends of mine as well who has been with avoidants. Strange… But I think it has something to do with them needing to diminish the value of having a partner, like it is too close to care? If that makes sense?
Fearful avoidant girl here, my ex who might be DA OR FA broke up eith me may 3rd. It's now july 4th and i still haven't spoken to him. He said we can be friends but i can't be friends with someone I'm in love with. I asked if he was open to date in the future and we both agreed. I still wonder if he misses me because i still think of him, it's not easy. I'm willing to give it a shot but only if we both put in the work, only time will tell
I tried to have no contact but I had to block my ex because he had discarded me & was taunting me through text, multiple email accounts & on social media
I am currently in a weird situation. My ex is severe dissmisive avoidant. She broke up with me but she is still in contact with me. She recently found new boyfriend but i know that he is just a distraction after the breakup. She still shares the deepest problems with me and not with him. And in general i am still way more closer to her than him. Do you all think that no contact is still the best i can do to win her back? Although i have been still in contact with her even after breakup?
out of curiosity, during this no contact would the DA be engaging or relying on their creature comforts and/or engaging with the phantom ex fantasy for these 6-8 weeks plus however long the re-engagement phase lasts?
I would say sticking with their creature comforts during that time. I think the fantasizing comes later once there fears take a seat and feelings reappear.
Doing the no contact is not easy for me we work together have to make small talk during the day trying to be professional,but one minute he is nice and other he seems mad at me 😅
What is my DA almost ex partner is detaching by working on their project buuuuut...she just opened herself to another guy and started to give him a way in while us still living together..? I'm broken.. Trying to understand why she wouldn't commit to our relationship and instead is seeking attention from another person..
What constitutes a break up if my dismissive partner just randomly stops talking to me like deactivating and there's never a conversation while breaking up or anything, but they're just not responding all of a sudden
For me it's incredibly hard by now not to keep contact. Started last week and by the first one of September I'm willing to write her again. Am I crazy? I already struggle a lot now as well ):
She's a conscious avoidant attached person anyway. Now that we both are aware of how we are maybe it's not necessary to wait until 6 weeks to get back together
Hi Thais, can you explain how to initiate no contact? Are we supposed to tell them ahead of time and list some reasons or do we just cut them off with no warning? I know this a common sense question but some might be confused about it. I know I was when I first met my wife (she has moved to Anxious Secure).
It depends. Some people believe you should cut people off cold turkey to create anxiety in them and make them come back. However, healthy people go silent to heal themselves. I go quiet, but I will respond with a brief and polite answer to a message. Unless it's something silly like a meme. Then I sometimes just ignore it..
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes But there is a right way if the person really does want a relationship with an Avoidant. To use myself as an example, when I first met my wife, she was a very strong DA. I used to get so frustrated I couldn't talk to her for days at a time but would let her know I still wanted to be with her. Then I was coached to let her know, in a loving and respectful manner, what I was wanting/needing from her and that I was willing to compromise with her to meet her where she was. When she didn't is when I would tell her that I knew she needed space to think about things and when she was comfortable to discuss it with me, she can let me know so we can start having that discussion. Then I wouldn't have any contact with her unless she had a serious question and after about a week or so she would begin talking to me about the topic. Cutting people off to create anxiety in them is manipulation and doesn't help the relationship long-term. It also just reinforces their fears of opening up to anyone else. People think that Avoidant's are selfish and should be left alone when they are not. After years of working with my wife, giving her all my support, encouragement, and love she decided I was the one for her and now she won't leave me alone and I love spending every moment with her. They are some of the best partners if you can be patient while they heal. It takes a lot of strength and courage from them to seek guidance and a whole lot of patience and strength from the partner.
nonononooooo, dont waste weeks before 'meeting', very bad advice. if they didnt go to therapy they didnt change so leave after 5minutes, if they did therapy they should know, meeting up must happen quicker to have face to face convo's. 'talking' longer than 3 days is too much with avoidants
I would say by evaluating your relationship. Why she left, the reasons leading up to her leaving, what their partner's attachment style is. There's no way an outsider can predict this. For me, if someone was anxiously attached and kept breaking boundaries then there's almost 100% chance that I'll never be romantically involved with them again. If they were avoidant and I left because my needs weren't getting met, then I might be open if they came to talk. It really depends..
Yep 100% done dealing with her. I keep thinking we were going to be a power couple. Actually her words. But something changed this woman over night and she walked away for good. Went back to her x husband. No idea why. Never again will I spend my time on an avoidant !!!
@@user-ix3nt2mp5c it sounds like she's still attached to him. I do my best to try and stay clear of people out of relationships that hurt them at least for a few years. Hurt causes attachment and once attached, it's hard to get out. They likely won't last. I hope you heal and find one better suited for you.
i reached out after 30 days NC. she ghosted me. its been two months since breakup, 30 days NC. past month shes been baiting me on social media and i ignored it and didnt reach out. its been ten days since her last bait, thats when i reached out (after 30 days). and yeah, we know how that went from there. she’s a fearful avoidant. i did the classic “hope all is well!” with no pressure or mention of anything about getting back together. Update: i confronted her about the social media bait, she denied it. i did it more in a clarity asking type of way, rather than in an accusatory type of way. i told her if she'd like to have dinner, to type 1, if she wants me to leave her alone, type 2. she typed 2. so... i really don't get it. the relationship was perfect.
Yeah I got a weird, how’s your mom when I broke NC about 3 months post break up. I didn’t know how to respond, he only met her once over a year ago. I just broke 2 months NC, he triggered me, and of course he’s ghosting. I honestly don’t even care anymore. It’s so childish.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes i think the thing is, she's not a healing FA. she's pretty much textbook FA, that isn't aware they're FA. i thought if i sent such a casual message two months after breakup, and 30 days since last contact, i'd at least get a "thank you hope all is well with you too!" the good news is, she didn't text me and say "leave me alone" and she didn't block me anywhere. so it's very possible she could just be processing her emotions/feelings still. idk. people telling me to "move on" aren't helping. i've been working on bettering myself and my attachment style (secure -> AP after breakup), trying new things, having fun in my hobbies, gym, school, etc. but you know what, she runs through my mind ALL day. for more info, the relationship was great. many happy moments and times. i brought up marriage jokingly, but since that time she started deactivating. then i had a moment where i was being kinda quiet bc i wasn't in a good mood and i didnt wanna take it out on her (stressed bc i practically failed a midterm), she kept picking on me. i read her a reassuring post from my notepad, and i watched the facial expression on her face die. can't handle emotional vulnerability or closeness, got it. won't make that same mistake again. the relationship ended the next morning. it's quite unfortunate but i just don't understand why all the social media games. secure people don't need to brag about how "happy their life is now". and she got my favorite singer to perform at our school.. that's how i know all this stuff is for me. all the clubbing, raving, all things she could have done in the relationship, but decided not to, she is now doing. i don't mind. i always told her she was free to do whatever she wants. but i guess she demonized me so hard she thought it would bring conflict. initially in the beginning, i said i wasn't into girls that were into that stuff. this is before we dated. but since then i have changed my stance on it because i trust she would respect me. idfk. i'll update you guys if she texts back.
As an avoidant leaning SA, I NEVER break the no contact rule UNLESS she reaches out first. Even then, the likelihood of getting back together is somewhere around 30 percent. That said, this process is pretty solid. If I ever get into a situation where I want to get back with an ex (which has only happened ONCE in my lifetime), I'll definitely be using this process.
I’m Fa, my DA bf always has an exit strategy for his relationships, first day he met me for dinner he says I’m leaving the country soon but I’m not sure when, as I’m fa this triggers my abandonment wound. Anyway we continued to date and become closer always fun interactions until he starts an argument “I’m leaving soon” so I say something harsh and break up With him, we’re on our 3rd breakup, the reason is I asked him How we will keep our connection when he leaves the country , he hasn’t responded it’s been 3 weeks, so im going no contact. I’m sure 💯 he will get back together if I reach out, I’m a respectful person so I havent gone to his place haven’t gone by his work and I don’t text, our relationship was lots of fun and calm, but I’m here thinking is this the right thing to do? I’m thinking he needs time and space to realize how much he enjoyed my company. Do you miss interacting with your exes I mean the one you were able to attach to?
Let me guess: this ONE time she rejected you when you wanted to get back and that is why now you are too scared and your ego is too broken to ever go down the same road again even with another person in another story. which in turn means - you have not done much work on yourself, you are not leaning SA (because otherwise you would have empathy for others and their situations and would have no need to not speak to them in a warm and caring way even though they are you Ex), and you are far from "healed".
@@AnI-if8fp boy, talk about ASSuming. Let me break this down for you since you decided to leave that comment without knowing the background (I'm about to make you look really STUPID BTW). 1) The ONE time I decided to work on a relationship with an ex we got back together. I knew it was MOSTLY my fault for things ending in the first place so I went and made amends. It worked out for a while until we drifted apart. I LEARNED from that experience and work on it LONG before the relationship gets to that point. Once it dies, I know I've done ALL I could. 2) I took FOUR attachment style tests INCLUDING the one provided by Thais. I tested SECURE on 3/4 of them (including Thais's) with the other one being tested as avoidant. 3) You're entitled to your opinion about me, but I'll take the tests I took by people in the FIELD of psychology over some random person on the internet. Here's a bit of advice: try ASKING instead of ASSuming next time. It'll show you have an IQ above room temperature.
@@sifublack192 your response is 👌😂 Classic projection on their part because you're an avoidant. Didn't you know that ALL avoidants are the same exact person living in another person's body? Lol
These videos feel like you're saying the answer is to bend over backwards for avoidant people. Why? Why put that onto someone? It isnt anyones responsibility but the avoidant persons. Why aren't you making videos for them to learm to treat people better? Why normalize playing these games and walking on egg shells and playing into the dysfunction of avoidance? Or, make videos about healthy topics like boundary setting without giving even more attention to avoidant behaviors? Im so so tired of this unoriginal content that constantly centers avoidant behaviors and suggests everyone change to cater to them, which is what you're doing. We know our society is emotionally unintelligent because we have coaches literally upholding avoidant dysfunction as something everyone else needs to deal with except the person causing the dysfunction themselves. God forbid we expect an avoidant person to work thru their trauma the way we expect an insecure person to. /s and giant eye roll.
I think you are missing the point. People have relationships with Avoidants, with anxious people, and with secure people, and they love them very much. This shows a way to help navigate through the trauma their avoidant partners have experienced. If someone is willing to do that, then that's a risk they take. As the old saying goes, that's what love will make you do. Nobody's saying it's right or wrong, just giving you ideas on how to navigate the waters. We all have free will, so anyone can choose not to get back with any type of ex, regardless of what label we have put on them. We all have insecurities. You as well. Trust me. And if you look up Thais' videos, she has plenty of videos and very educational on steps avoidants can take to heal their trauma, and regulate their emotions in healthy ways. And by the way, an avoidant is an insecure person, just like an anxious person. You speak in a very insecure way as well, like you have been hurt by an avoidant, which is why you are probably here, and probably why you are angry. It's ok. This is life. You will get through it. Breathe. Love yourself. It will all work out in the end.
@whitakp1 actually my point is kind of illustrated by your comment. You feel like it's completely healthy and ok to come here and tell me how I feel and even make up an entire story about me. This is not how to navigate relationships. This is just more manipulative games that will stress you out. Good luck following bad advice and deciding other people are wrong when they point it out. Avoidant behavior is not "just anxious behavior," or it wouldn't be categorized differently. I hope you learn to be healthy in relationships. Really. But telling others bad advice on the internet isn't it. Bye.
Have you ever used or experienced the no contact rule with an avoidant attachment style? What was your experience like? ❤
What happens after 3 months? And yes, my experience was a high level communication. I got a "Hey, what's up?" response which then was deleted
Thais I'm in no contact for over 2 months now but this is after I chased her off and on for 3 months after the breakup. Any hope? Lol
Have a question I am going to start no contact however she is supposed to take me to the airport this weekend and pick me up. The bigger part was she was going to come by my house and check on my dog several times while I am away. So she may may text do I answer and say I can take myself to the airport and she has keys or should I just not respond to her texts at all wouldnt that make her mad
How are we supposed to initiate no contact? Just out of the blue or tell them a few reasons?
The first round of my situation with my ex is a textbook example of an Anxious Attachment (me) DA relationship. After a few dates, we had our first kiss, and then we quickly ran into the deepest love of our lives. After a lovely festival season with our families and 4.5 months in the relationship, at the beginning of January, she started to act differently, and when I asked what the problem was, she answered that she was not sure about her feelings anymore. My nervous system kicked off and I was unable to calm down myself, which in turn resulted in a day-long breakup in January and a second one in mid-February. Interestingly, we kept meeting but with much-reduced intimacy until mid-April. These two months were extremely painful for me cos I felt that I had found the love of my life and wanted more than this from the relationship. As soon as I found out that I was an Anxious attachment, I started to work on it but oc I'm still far from being secure. So the "end" of the above situation was that I told her not to meet and go no contact. That was less than two weeks ago. However, I opened my letterbox this morning and found a letter from her. In the letter, she apologized for the not-so-nice things she had said about me after the breakup (I always felt that those were made-up excuses for her not to deal with her insecurities and childhood wounds). She also mentioned that she was confused and we shouldn't have kept going in the past two months, made a list of what she likes in me, and said that she hopes that we will find a way to speak in the future. Now, in my mind, the letter can mean that it is her closure with me but on the other hand, she might want to reconnect. She has had ambivalent feelings which I find extremely difficult to navigate but at the same time, I love her and want to make our relationship work. How on Earth could a DA write me a letter within two weeks of going no contact, and what could be the best step for me right now? Even though I'd love to be with her right away, I know that I need to work on myself more before we could try and work out our relationship. The nice thing is she also works on herself, especially on her childhood traumas, which hopefully could somehow make her attachment type more secure.
After 8 months I can finally say that I don't care watching video's about this anymore. The only thing I wish to do is to set a boundary with my ex and say "You didn't treat me right and disrespected me" "I have no desire to have small talk" etc. Have trust in your process and you'll get better too. I feel like I'm almost there❤
Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it! Boundaries are definitely important, you should be proud of your growth! ❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you for helping me get here🩷❤️
Same
The exact same point I found within myself this past week. Exactly 8 months of additional time I've given them. Spending so much time day after day learning about their dynamic and my own in order to give us every opportunity together to work through, but they simply won't put in any work. I've definitely checked out from them now. It wasn't even fun while it lasted...and now all I can do is laugh at myself for thinking I could prove MYSELF wrong. Here's a toast to us get to this point and stopping the BS 🥂
@@jreal54 I'll toast to that! 🥂🥂
Do no contact and heal yourself, and ask why you wanted someone who cant be present in a relationship and work through issues instead of running from them. These people rarely work on themselves and are always the victim. They have a victimhood mindset, and look to blame everyone but themselves. Use no contact to heal and get better, not to try and reconnect with these people. Pray for their healing and move on.
Thank you for sharing your perspective! Although every situation is different, working on healing yourself should always be the focus ❤🩹
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchooldo you provide any individual coaching?
Probably because they didn't show up like that in the beginning and you're still pining for who they where. It takes a minute to see the reality of the situation for what it is, alot of times that's why.
I used to watch these no contact videos to get a sense of how to navigate a better outcome. After trying so many times, I have given up. No contact doesn’t have a window for me anymore, it’s just permanent. But thanks Thais for these videos. It has made me learn about myself
When I felt the lowest of low points in my relationship with the DA,I recorded a video for my future self-how I cry,sobbing and asking to never let myself in this dynamic again !
The push pull dynamic with the DA made my nervous system so misearble,week,lost,depleted of almost all resources I had.I was broken to a point of not recognising myself.It was like a F5 grade tornado that destroied everything in it's way.I am so geateful I survived !
I am in 5 months no contact now,whenever I flirt with the idea that I am ok now and could maintain a friendship status with that person,I watch again that video I made for myself.It helps tremendously !
Thank you for your vulnerable share! This is a good approach to keep you on track and focused with your healing journey ❤🩹
Goodness! What a brave fearless woman you are! To do what you did there, Brilliant may you see yourself.as thriving even when you need reminders stay in peace✌🏾
@@Sheherhis Thank you for kind words ! Wishing you luck and support on your journey as well !
@@galaxysamsung5439 Thank you, I appreciate your kind words as well 💯🙏🏾
I’m gonna try this !!
Why would one go through everything again from scratch after no contact. I've been in no contact for 3 months now and I am wanting to go back less and less. The person has exausted me and now life is easier. Just by the thought of having him back here I feel bothered! But, no contact has helped me detach slowly and kept me from feeling heartbroken. Fact is that people change when THEY want to change. I am learning communication skills here though.
I went no contact worked on myself now i dont want him and im not attracted to him.All we have to do is follow their instructions and you will heal and be like what was so broken in that I would put up with the mental abuse of such a person.
I'd rather do algebra while forcing a cactus down my throat than engage with a DA again to be honest. and that's coming from an FA who did the work.
I had an FA leaning DA ex FINALLY be vulnerable to say "I love you" during reconnecting stage of a breakup. After she said that she had vulnerability hangover and went missing. Never got closure, very heartbreaking to experience 💔
I'm so sorry 😞
These videos have been so helpful in understanding my ex. I feel sorry for him now
In other words… don’t waste your time on them
There is absolutely no point in reuniting with someone who is cruel and disinterested. No point. I have seen avoidants behave like idiots in relationships with people who were way too good for them. If you respect yourself, you don’t go back.
I don't understand why there are so many videos about trying to reconnect with an ex. Is it not better to find another partner who is a better match?
In most cases, it's better to move on and find another partner, but people are going to try reconnecting anyway. Might as well talk about it.
Depending on the situation and relationship, finding a new partner can be the right choice. Although if someone is looking to reconnect and give their previous relationship another chance, this will help to do that in the best way possible ❤
The dating pool is riddled with pee that’s why. Might be a good idea to stop discarding people and try to work through issues IF there was a genuine connection once. Hurt people are hurting people and we all just want to feel loved and secure.
@@sadiqua7good point 🤔
@@sadiqua7can't do that if the other partner isn't willing
Just learned that I am avoidant/fearfull avoidant and trying so hard not to contact him... but I know that I don't know what I want, there is no point in hurting him again until I figure it out....
spend time with yourself. Turn your cellphone off (or put it away) and spend time. Try to figure out what you like, want and need. This takes a long time because you probably never did this in your entire life
You will lose him by ignoring and distancing
You won't lose him if he is in love. I've been no contact for a long time and I still feel in love with my person. It's a healthy thing to do while you sort yourself out and I commend you for it.
I’m on the receiving end of this rite now. We made plans to move forward in our relationship and at the last minute she said we need a break. 💔. She hasn’t spent one single weekend with me in 6 months. She makes all the plans and then something always comes up. She said she has fear from me because I get upset ( frustrated) when she’s not congruent. There for she’s flaw finding.
Now we’re not seeing or talking or texting it all feel so up in the air. I’m willing to hold on a bit longer but she wasn’t clear on her motives. Is it a break or a break up?
I know I have the choice also.
I think clear communication is showing respect for the one that’s stuck it out with you. I would suggest just being straight with him. Tell exactly how you feel even if you don’t know what you want. Or
Let him go and see what life is like without him.
Just my .02€
@@user-ix3nt2mp5c well I actually did broken up, I couldn't imagine holding him on the edge for longer than a week or two to sort it out, that's just cruel. At the time I didn't know what happened, that I am FA and I just needed to runaway. I explained him how I feel, he knew about my past depressions and he thought I just have it back. I didn't told him yet, I feel like i'm back with depression as well now, but I want to keep No contact for some time, so we both can heal, cool off. I don't know how long your relationship was or is she is healing and working On herself, it's such a difficult situation...
So grateful for all the recent videos about avoidants Thais. As an AP, this is exactly what I need. Thank you
Watching enough about avoidants you realize your life has to evolve around them and they’ll never evolve around yours. They’re self centered. Leave them and find someone who can feel love.
Thais, ever going to discuss the many varied health issues and effects repressing emotions have on avoidantly attached people? The studies are out there and the effects include a higher propensity for cardiovascular disease, dementia, inflammatory diseases, lack of ability to *actually* regulate cortisol (despite how they look on the outside) and stress responses etc.? Because I feel like that would be a better PSA then some of these videos.
The content is great! Here’s my problem, I’m struggling through this nightmare for 10 weeks now. I’m still finding this to be a soul crushing experience. What is not discussed in most of the videos across the board is. Most if not all Avoidants have addiction issues. Mine is alcoholism. I didn’t really realize this until the end because I was her long distance situation ship. I didn’t know about any of this stuff before I met her a year plus ago. Now I see everything clearly now… OMG! Now what? Please include addition in these videos to make it even more clear that we are wasting our time!
Best thing you can do is heal yourself maybe through PDS courses and then figure out what your boundaries and non-negotiables are. If your needs aren't being met which it sounds like they aren't, then you have to make a decision. From the sound of it, you already know the answer.
If it makes you feel any better, mine is also addicted to alcohol. Whenever he ghosts me after some vulnerable event, I know hes going on a three day bender with drugs/alcohol and the whole lot. Really shit to see, but remember you can’t change someone’s life for them. They have to want it bad enough themselves.
Just make them aware of what they are and what they do with that information is up to them.
Yup. My FA ex has a drinking problem
@@SandraWade666 Does yours have adhd by any chance?
You are avoidant too if You think long distance relationship is real. You lived in fantasy land
Reach out twice: once to explain that you are there and that they are not abandoned, and the second time to indicate that their time and space matters but that it is healthy to communicate and reach reconciliation and that they can reach out when they are ready.
This serves to mitigate abandonment wounds while also providing the extra space to come to you at their own pace.
After that, focus on your own life. If they return, go slow and move towards showing them healthier ways to communicate and show them that they are safe with you.
Nah, I’m done. He stomped all over my abandonment trauma and broke my heart. I’m so done tip-toeing around his feelings.
@@jdprettynails I am hearing you. That's a shame that the person in question did that. The trust was broken in that moment.
I’m done. Even though he is avoidant z, the real reason he ghosted is because he was cheating and reconciled with his ex.
Its amazing when healed from them you know that even if he would be begging on hes knees you would be say hell NOOOOO!!!!!!!
After 3 years of relentlessly racking my brain and looking from both sides of the situation. I don't want to put any effort into anyone with the attachment style. I will be keeping an eye out in the future for anyone who throws any red flags. It's been a complete waste of my time and my efforts. Many many years of therapy for these people.
Avoids "distract "themselves within the connection. They are often disassociating and avoiding the relationship before they pull out the rug from under you for real... We just don't anticipate it before the rude awakening of them going MIA.. They are not worth it. It's settling for ongoing hurt and pain which is guaranteed.. Walk away..
I am anxious attached, and i am the one who broke up with the person cos i couldnt tolerate coldness and ignorance in the relationship , after i broke up i felt depressed, cos i didnt want to but the inner pain and protest mode was activated, i regret it but deeply i know it was right for me tho.
It takes time to heal i know as i experienced the same with a narcissist before but i really didnt know about attachment styles by then, but it seems to be true that we r ( anxiously preoccupied) ppl tend to attract narcs and avoidants.
Time heals i know it.
I love the person but i love my dignity and myself too, enough taking breadcrumbs.
Most of comments here by ppl who got dumped by avoidants, any anxious here who were the dumper! Please share your story
Why you see yourself as a anxious? Just because other person giving you anxiety by being cold and distanced doesn't mean you are like this
@@canis556
There are many tests you can do that gives you a hint of what kind of attachers you are, I find anxious preoccupied traits in me, yet it is a spectrum not everyone as extreme as another but finally I see many traits fit my personality, I am working on my issues anyway, that's why we tend to watch such videos
@@canis556 we all have attachment styles. This person tests anxious and it shows because of the type of people they are attracted to. Secure people can navigate through these situations better which is why we should ALL strive to become secure. Once I did the work to become more secure, I stopped accepting breadcrumbs and valued myself more. My anxiety had nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with my unhealed wounds. This goes for a lot of people.
Exactly. Attachment styles are fluid, we can go from anxious to secure (a process).
How I feel during no contact as a DA (please be respectful, I'm not your ex and I've never harmed you).
Confused. My anxiety goes into overdrive as I try and analyse the situation. Brain goes almost red-hot. As an INTP, I need to mentally dissect a large emotionally stressful event in order to make sense of it. I manage all the stress and anxiety through various healthy practices that are genuinely helping me achieve great things in life.
Feeling my feelings and processing them healthily as opposed to repressing them has been interesting and I can't say I always enjoy it.
I will not be the one to reach out. I'm terrified of this person's rages and it simply doesn't feel right to do so.
Thank you for sharing with us your perspective!
Thanks for sharing your perspective! I wonder what reconnecting and making the first move would feel, when the ex partner was SA, and the relationship was generally very peaceful, warm and calming.
@@0Demiyah0 I am honestly not sure! I never had a relationship like that. But I guess it's worth a try? But I always say only reach out if you are prepared to tolerate a no with dignity.
@@Littleowl85352 yes, I agree that feeling mentally ready for a plausible 'no' is important self-care.
I confess that I asked the question because I recently ended things with my DA. The relationship was not progressing to the next commitment. However, I'm SA and have no resentment towards my ex.
Even in the final conversations we've had, we spend several hours talking it through to provide mutual understanding. We were honest, calm, caring, respectful and kind. Anybody would have thought we are a loving couple, even if the discussion was about separation.
I saw him as the man I can grow old with, but he's an "ethical avoidant" who denies any future of being married / having long lasting relational happiness. So, obviously, that left me no choice but to set consequences to that attitude, as that leaves me in a position where I need to find a man who wants the same things; the stability, security, clarity and commitment that I do. Who says "you are the woman I want to grow old with". That doesn't mean however that I still hope he changes his mind, especially since our connection was calming, uplifting and respectful.
@@Littleowl85352 thanks, I agree with you that checking with yourself whether you're able to take a 'no' is self-care.
I am asking honestly because I am SA and I decided to move on from my DA, who is my special person, because I wanted to be with someone ultimately who has the perspective that they want full commitment, a ring and marriage too. He was an "ethical avoidant"; someone who believed to his core that he is destined to be alone. That leaves me with no other solution to find a man who tells me they want to grow old with me.
However, everything about how we mutually dealt with this was kind, respectful, caring, with good energy. You'd have guessed we are a couple happy in love, if it wasn't that we were discussing separation. We took the time to have a couple conversations, and he shed some tears at the end.
I really could see myself get old and happy with him, and after 6 years I knew what it would mean to say I sign up for that. So part of me hopes that since we had a good and mostly trouble-free connection, he might have more courage if he changes his mind.
Fearful avoidant here, have been no contact with my avoidant for 8 weeks as of yesterday
❤
Unfortunately even when you state what needs to change they will change it to get you back and once it’s back and comfortable, rinse and repeat. It doesn’t change long term in my experience. Better off moving on
Why do this to yourself?
DA really needs to learn to care with concern about their hurtful impact, learn emotional availability as well as what it means to express empathy.
The photo is really confusing “dating during no contact”
Exactly! That's why I clicked on, cause I was so confused 😅
I was like wait, how does that work? 😮 lol
It’s because you aren’t actually “broken up” it’s when they the DA is detached and they will maybe talk to you still here and there and get back slowly with you by flirting “re dating”possibly
I think that’s what she meant by the title
Yeah this title is .. bad. If you are not in contact with someone you def aren't dating them 😅
Such a sad deviation from a normal healthy social behavior.
Thank you for listening to my post
This is a headache.
What about those who go no-contact for like 10-15 days? Then text again something shallow and lighhearted like nothing never happened, while i was going crazy, but I'm not gonna show him that. It was enough for me to feel unwanted though and I try to move on. I can't feel like an option anymore... But I get across this type of men again and again and I'm genuinely interested in knowing WHAT IS THIS. Really. I don't know anymore if these are just f*boys seeing you really as an option, narcs who use this as a method to trauma-bond you or avoidants...I can't tell. Thank you.
They're not using no-contact, they're just not contacting you in those few weeks. No contact is a method used to heal yourself and/or get your ex back. It doesn't like they're doing either. Sounds like a classic player.
It's like dealing with different personalities. They switch from one extreme to the next. One minute they won't even talk to you, the next they want to be with you 100% of the time. Absolute insanity!
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Most narcissists use it as a method to create trauma bonds. The one I'm dealing with might be a plain player, but please be aware people use no contact as a tool, too.
@@darkredrose7683 I don't know anything about your ex aside from your post. If I was going with what you wrote, he just sounds like someone who isn't deep in but doesn't want to lose you as an option. I'm not sure. As for being a narcissist, I would only take the word of a qualified physiologist who diagnosed him as one. A lot of people have a couple of narc qualities but it doesn't make them as a narc. He could be an avoidant too. Aside from all that, I'd just stop giving him an in so he feels comfortable coming and going as he pleases. It's clearly hurting and confusing you. Easier said than done I know, but I literally just had to be assertive to an avoidant ex last night and tell him that I'm not interested in what he has to offer.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Very well said. And I'm proud of you being assertive to that ex. We deserve effort and pure intentions 😩
Hi! Great video. Question: Is there q tendency in avoidants (D and/or F) to rebound relationships??
Great question
Thank you for this video.
Congrats on 250k Thais!!!
I hurt my D.A. ex in order to pay her back for hurting me. I probably paid her back a little too harshly now she has no contact with me. And she is back with her other on-agian/off again ex and if I'm being honest, eats me up. She is the one that introduced me to this channel and got me to learning about it and myself. I'm definitely F.A. with possible Anxious and Borderline traits as well. How i can swing from wanting nothing to do with her to missing her to pieces is beyond me. She lied to me about something deeply personal and very disturbing to me and it involves suxual practices within the relationship she has with the ex she is once again, back with now. One she told me repeatedly she was done with for good just end up back with. She lied about many things involving him. How do i let go of this? I've tried finding another woman. No help. Ive drank. Drugged. Traveled. Talked about. Complained and cried. We also have a daughter that suffered from this tumultuous ride this last go around. My friends have told me it takes time. Just feel so alone. And hurt...
It definitely depends on just how avoidant that DA is on the spectrum. And the level of investment they've allowed themselves to make in the relationship. My DA husband didn't want to go past a week or two when I suggested going no contact a year in living together already. We're in a rough patch now in our marriage :/ and I'm the one who doesn't want to really engage with him atm.
My ex is a DA and I've generally leaned avoidant too. One time he mentioned he needed space as he was going through something and I said that sounds fine because so am I. I actually ended up heading out of state for a few days and he contacted me a few times and ask when I was coming back to see each other. I think his abandonment wounds kicked in and he got scared. Also, he wasn't used to dating someone who accepted that he needed space. You're right with the investment part. If they're emotionally attached they're going to have a hard time with no contact.
@@LeeChrissy rIght, I don't think this is talked about enough. DAs actually have some form of abandonment wounds too. My ex DA and I do the same with each other- for the past year we have been broken up, but have not gone a week without contact- but I think this also prolongs the healing period but sometimes its hard if both parties aren't making effort to truly seperate for long periods of time....
Recently married in December. Now maybe on the verge of an D. She's blocked and hasn't talked to me going on 1.5 months now. I am committed to healing myself. Also I am hoping we can figure it out.
I had a 6 year connection with my DA. I am a generally calm, warm and accepting person, so over time he stopped deactivating all together. He took all the initiative with me. To text everyday, suggest to call, invite me out on a date. He was very sweet towards me. It happened before that he , in the middle of a burnout, wanted to separate. But not even 3 days later regretted it. Since that time we've had 2 wonderful years. I've ended it with him now, because I need a full commitment, a ring on my finger and marriage. I am getting in a phase of life where I want to be serious about these life goals, and I need to be with someone who tells me they want to grow old with me. Even during the break-up the energy was very good between us. He did cry a little. I think it's 50/50 he'll realize he wants to propose to me after all.
P.S. I made it very clear to my DA that I am not interested in keeping up a friendship, and if he's not the man who sees me as a wife, he has to clear the space for another mans energy to come into my life. I set a pretty hard no contact boundary. I'm only open for contact of he's in an emergency, or if he changed his mind. It's my birthday today, and I am not even expecting a message from him. I wouldn't reach out to him for his birthday either. That might sound cold to people, but how else can you give another person enough space to reflect and figure it out, and yourself enough separation to move on.
Waiting for someone, who left you, for 2 months, is INSANE. If you make excuses ‘but I love him/her’ you probably have mental issues yourself. Relationship- is a mechanism for two people commitment. otherwise, be true to yourself and call it Your obsession, not love.
2 months can be okay if the relationship can become better for years after this
You should never wait for someone, period. Life is too precious to be wasting time in waiting mode. Focus on how to support yourself and hopefully you had enough of a life going on that it isn't too hard to fall back on it. If you don't, then focus on building one. Expand your hobbies, go on a trip, work through your shit.
That being said, reconciliation happens all the time and is not in itself a bad thing. Two months of separation before attempting to reconnect is nothing in the grand scheme of life. If spending time to be mindful with yourself for 2 months seems like such a hard task, maybe that's a sign of obsession.
@@0Demiyah0 you can still love someone but focus on your own life, right? I think that's what people miss... they don't understand controlling their impulses. There's a grey area between omg I must pursue/ wait for them and completely going septic and disregarding your own feelings for that person.
@@Littleowl85352 yes, very true, I agree. I love you, but I love myself too. It's natural, especially if you were still invested in the relationship, that you may harbor desires to find each other again. But one can balance such feelings together with providing themselves the love and care to live in the moment to their best ability. Two months feels like agony if all you are doing is waiting... And waiting... And questioning... Not living life. If you fill your days with the stuff that give you energy, connection, fulfillment etc. then two months actually passes very quickly.
@@0Demiyah0 and sometimes it's simply going to suck, and that's life!!!
I have experienced this in the past. Ex has accidentally called me twice after a breakup and hung up, and asked me to pick up clothes that was not even mine, in the breakup just leaving an argument and not trying to say something like I cant take it. So I had to create the closure for both of us, like texting to say goodbye and making the breakup official and wishing them well. I truly believe they are extremely conflict shy. No joke. And yes the flaw finding, my ex was evaluating if I would be the right partner for them: these were their vetting points: do you camp? (They camp once a year) do you ski? (They ski twice a year). I mean how can these points be non negotiable? I dont camp much; but I know how to, and I can adapt, and I have great camping gear, better then his 😂 when I was on a diet, he would ask me: have you weighed yourself? And I was like: I count calories and meassure my waistline. And he is like: I really think you should weigh yourself, and I am like: not weighing works well for me, the scale does not show fatloss, only weightloss. And I dont care about that, and he is like: it would be fun to know 😂 they really like to get into the details of stupid things. Like who cares? It is my body, I see the reaults, and I am okay with not weighing. And that said: I am quite slim, I just diet a couple of times per year, just to make sure those pounds are not creeping up too much. Somehow avoidants are quite controlling, they need things to be in a certain way, or they just cant compute. One other thing I have discovered: they have more empathy towards friends and colleagues then their partners. Like when I was being sexually herassed at work, he was like: Oh, really? In sort of disbelief. And when a female friend of his told him it happened to her as well: he came to me and told me: wow she has been severely sexually herassed, that is so terrible that that has happened to her. In my case I ended up contacting a lawyer and arranged a severance package to get out. Another ex did something similar: I was chased on the street almost attacked by someone, and he went on like nothing has happened. But as soon as something happened to his friend all hands on deck trying to help soothe them. I have seen this with other friends of mine as well who has been with avoidants. Strange… But I think it has something to do with them needing to diminish the value of having a partner, like it is too close to care? If that makes sense?
Fearful avoidant girl here, my ex who might be DA OR FA broke up eith me may 3rd. It's now july 4th and i still haven't spoken to him. He said we can be friends but i can't be friends with someone I'm in love with. I asked if he was open to date in the future and we both agreed. I still wonder if he misses me because i still think of him, it's not easy. I'm willing to give it a shot but only if we both put in the work, only time will tell
I tried to have no contact but I had to block my ex because he had discarded me & was taunting me through text, multiple email accounts & on social media
I’m about to breakup with DA spouse but we have kids together 😢
Please make a video about severe DA.
The title is an oxymoron. There is no dating after a break up. That's what breaking up is.
I am currently in a weird situation. My ex is severe dissmisive avoidant. She broke up with me but she is still in contact with me. She recently found new boyfriend but i know that he is just a distraction after the breakup. She still shares the deepest problems with me and not with him. And in general i am still way more closer to her than him. Do you all think that no contact is still the best i can do to win her back? Although i have been still in contact with her even after breakup?
out of curiosity, during this no contact would the DA be engaging or relying on their creature comforts and/or engaging with the phantom ex fantasy for these 6-8 weeks plus however long the re-engagement phase lasts?
I would say sticking with their creature comforts during that time. I think the fantasizing comes later once there fears take a seat and feelings reappear.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool : If we attend the same church should I not attend in-person during this No Contact phase?
Also if she blok me?
Doing the no contact is not easy for me we work together have to make small talk during the day trying to be professional,but one minute he is nice and other he seems mad at me 😅
What is my DA almost ex partner is detaching by working on their project buuuuut...she just opened herself to another guy and started to give him a way in while us still living together..? I'm broken.. Trying to understand why she wouldn't commit to our relationship and instead is seeking attention from another person..
What constitutes a break up if my dismissive partner just randomly stops talking to me like deactivating and there's never a conversation while breaking up or anything, but they're just not responding all of a sudden
They're ghosting you
For me it's incredibly hard by now not to keep contact. Started last week and by the first one of September I'm willing to write her again. Am I crazy? I already struggle a lot now as well ):
She's a conscious avoidant attached person anyway. Now that we both are aware of how we are maybe it's not necessary to wait until 6 weeks to get back together
What if you are the one who broke it off with them?
Even if reconnecting my da partner rarely talks to me
Hi Thais, can you explain how to initiate no contact? Are we supposed to tell them ahead of time and list some reasons or do we just cut them off with no warning? I know this a common sense question but some might be confused about it. I know I was when I first met my wife (she has moved to Anxious Secure).
It depends. Some people believe you should cut people off cold turkey to create anxiety in them and make them come back. However, healthy people go silent to heal themselves. I go quiet, but I will respond with a brief and polite answer to a message. Unless it's something silly like a meme. Then I sometimes just ignore it..
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes But there is a right way if the person really does want a relationship with an Avoidant. To use myself as an example, when I first met my wife, she was a very strong DA. I used to get so frustrated I couldn't talk to her for days at a time but would let her know I still wanted to be with her. Then I was coached to let her know, in a loving and respectful manner, what I was wanting/needing from her and that I was willing to compromise with her to meet her where she was. When she didn't is when I would tell her that I knew she needed space to think about things and when she was comfortable to discuss it with me, she can let me know so we can start having that discussion. Then I wouldn't have any contact with her unless she had a serious question and after about a week or so she would begin talking to me about the topic.
Cutting people off to create anxiety in them is manipulation and doesn't help the relationship long-term. It also just reinforces their fears of opening up to anyone else. People think that Avoidant's are selfish and should be left alone when they are not. After years of working with my wife, giving her all my support, encouragement, and love she decided I was the one for her and now she won't leave me alone and I love spending every moment with her. They are some of the best partners if you can be patient while they heal. It takes a lot of strength and courage from them to seek guidance and a whole lot of patience and strength from the partner.
nonononooooo, dont waste weeks before 'meeting', very bad advice. if they didnt go to therapy they didnt change so leave after 5minutes, if they did therapy they should know, meeting up must happen quicker to have face to face convo's. 'talking' longer than 3 days is too much with avoidants
How do we know if the FA in this period isnt actually done with the relationship? The waiting is the hardest part. And the un knowing.
I would say by evaluating your relationship. Why she left, the reasons leading up to her leaving, what their partner's attachment style is. There's no way an outsider can predict this. For me, if someone was anxiously attached and kept breaking boundaries then there's almost 100% chance that I'll never be romantically involved with them again. If they were avoidant and I left because my needs weren't getting met, then I might be open if they came to talk. It really depends..
Yep 100% done dealing with her. I keep thinking we were going to be a power couple. Actually her words. But something changed this woman over night and she walked away for good. Went back to her x husband. No idea why. Never again will I spend my time on an avoidant !!!
@@user-ix3nt2mp5c it sounds like she's still attached to him. I do my best to try and stay clear of people out of relationships that hurt them at least for a few years. Hurt causes attachment and once attached, it's hard to get out. They likely won't last. I hope you heal and find one better suited for you.
i reached out after 30 days NC. she ghosted me. its been two months since breakup, 30 days NC. past month shes been baiting me on social media and i ignored it and didnt reach out. its been ten days since her last bait, thats when i reached out (after 30 days). and yeah, we know how that went from there. she’s a fearful avoidant. i did the classic “hope all is well!” with no pressure or mention of anything about getting back together. Update: i confronted her about the social media bait, she denied it. i did it more in a clarity asking type of way, rather than in an accusatory type of way. i told her if she'd like to have dinner, to type 1, if she wants me to leave her alone, type 2. she typed 2. so... i really don't get it. the relationship was perfect.
Is that what that is? I'm a healing FA and my ex is a DA and the "I hope all is well" message is pretty classic for him to send.
Yeah I got a weird, how’s your mom when I broke NC about 3 months post break up. I didn’t know how to respond, he only met her once over a year ago. I just broke 2 months NC, he triggered me, and of course he’s ghosting. I honestly don’t even care anymore. It’s so childish.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes i think the thing is, she's not a healing FA. she's pretty much textbook FA, that isn't aware they're FA. i thought if i sent such a casual message two months after breakup, and 30 days since last contact, i'd at least get a "thank you hope all is well with you too!" the good news is, she didn't text me and say "leave me alone" and she didn't block me anywhere. so it's very possible she could just be processing her emotions/feelings still. idk. people telling me to "move on" aren't helping. i've been working on bettering myself and my attachment style (secure -> AP after breakup), trying new things, having fun in my hobbies, gym, school, etc. but you know what, she runs through my mind ALL day. for more info, the relationship was great. many happy moments and times. i brought up marriage jokingly, but since that time she started deactivating. then i had a moment where i was being kinda quiet bc i wasn't in a good mood and i didnt wanna take it out on her (stressed bc i practically failed a midterm), she kept picking on me. i read her a reassuring post from my notepad, and i watched the facial expression on her face die. can't handle emotional vulnerability or closeness, got it. won't make that same mistake again. the relationship ended the next morning. it's quite unfortunate but i just don't understand why all the social media games. secure people don't need to brag about how "happy their life is now". and she got my favorite singer to perform at our school.. that's how i know all this stuff is for me. all the clubbing, raving, all things she could have done in the relationship, but decided not to, she is now doing. i don't mind. i always told her she was free to do whatever she wants. but i guess she demonized me so hard she thought it would bring conflict. initially in the beginning, i said i wasn't into girls that were into that stuff. this is before we dated. but since then i have changed my stance on it because i trust she would respect me. idfk. i'll update you guys if she texts back.
As an avoidant leaning SA, I NEVER break the no contact rule UNLESS she reaches out first. Even then, the likelihood of getting back together is somewhere around 30 percent.
That said, this process is pretty solid. If I ever get into a situation where I want to get back with an ex (which has only happened ONCE in my lifetime), I'll definitely be using this process.
I’m Fa, my DA bf always has an exit strategy for his relationships, first day he met me for dinner he says I’m leaving the country soon but I’m not sure when, as I’m fa this triggers my abandonment wound. Anyway we continued to date and become closer always fun interactions until he starts an argument “I’m leaving soon” so I say something harsh and break up
With him, we’re on our 3rd breakup, the reason is I asked him
How we will keep our connection when he leaves the country , he hasn’t responded it’s been 3 weeks, so im going no contact. I’m sure 💯 he will get back together if I reach out, I’m a respectful person so I havent gone to his place haven’t gone by his work and I don’t text, our relationship was lots of fun and calm, but I’m here thinking is this the right thing to do? I’m thinking he needs time and space to realize how much he enjoyed my company. Do you miss interacting with your exes I mean the one you were able to attach to?
Thank you for your share and I'm happy to hear that you found value in this video! ❤
Let me guess: this ONE time she rejected you when you wanted to get back and that is why now you are too scared and your ego is too broken to ever go down the same road again even with another person in another story.
which in turn means - you have not done much work on yourself, you are not leaning SA (because otherwise you would have empathy for others and their situations and would have no need to not speak to them in a warm and caring way even though they are you Ex), and you are far from "healed".
@@AnI-if8fp boy, talk about ASSuming. Let me break this down for you since you decided to leave that comment without knowing the background (I'm about to make you look really STUPID BTW).
1) The ONE time I decided to work on a relationship with an ex we got back together. I knew it was MOSTLY my fault for things ending in the first place so I went and made amends. It worked out for a while until we drifted apart. I LEARNED from that experience and work on it LONG before the relationship gets to that point. Once it dies, I know I've done ALL I could.
2) I took FOUR attachment style tests INCLUDING the one provided by Thais. I tested SECURE on 3/4 of them (including Thais's) with the other one being tested as avoidant.
3) You're entitled to your opinion about me, but I'll take the tests I took by people in the FIELD of psychology over some random person on the internet. Here's a bit of advice: try ASKING instead of ASSuming next time. It'll show you have an IQ above room temperature.
@@sifublack192 your response is 👌😂 Classic projection on their part because you're an avoidant. Didn't you know that ALL avoidants are the same exact person living in another person's body? Lol
These videos feel like you're saying the answer is to bend over backwards for avoidant people. Why? Why put that onto someone? It isnt anyones responsibility but the avoidant persons. Why aren't you making videos for them to learm to treat people better? Why normalize playing these games and walking on egg shells and playing into the dysfunction of avoidance? Or, make videos about healthy topics like boundary setting without giving even more attention to avoidant behaviors? Im so so tired of this unoriginal content that constantly centers avoidant behaviors and suggests everyone change to cater to them, which is what you're doing. We know our society is emotionally unintelligent because we have coaches literally upholding avoidant dysfunction as something everyone else needs to deal with except the person causing the dysfunction themselves. God forbid we expect an avoidant person to work thru their trauma the way we expect an insecure person to. /s and giant eye roll.
I think you are missing the point. People have relationships with Avoidants, with anxious people, and with secure people, and they love them very much. This shows a way to help navigate through the trauma their avoidant partners have experienced. If someone is willing to do that, then that's a risk they take. As the old saying goes, that's what love will make you do. Nobody's saying it's right or wrong, just giving you ideas on how to navigate the waters. We all have free will, so anyone can choose not to get back with any type of ex, regardless of what label we have put on them. We all have insecurities. You as well. Trust me. And if you look up Thais' videos, she has plenty of videos and very educational on steps avoidants can take to heal their trauma, and regulate their emotions in healthy ways. And by the way, an avoidant is an insecure person, just like an anxious person. You speak in a very insecure way as well, like you have been hurt by an avoidant, which is why you are probably here, and probably why you are angry. It's ok. This is life. You will get through it. Breathe. Love yourself. It will all work out in the end.
@whitakp1 actually my point is kind of illustrated by your comment. You feel like it's completely healthy and ok to come here and tell me how I feel and even make up an entire story about me. This is not how to navigate relationships. This is just more manipulative games that will stress you out. Good luck following bad advice and deciding other people are wrong when they point it out. Avoidant behavior is not "just anxious behavior," or it wouldn't be categorized differently. I hope you learn to be healthy in relationships. Really. But telling others bad advice on the internet isn't it. Bye.
What is a high level text? 🩷