To share my experience. Yes, 5 times so far. Started very engaged, but never clarified intentions, made me feel responsible for the relationship and sudden discard, but wanting to stay 'friends'. I am secure but felt anxious throught the period. The end was painful each time but last 2 times I felt relieved as well. I guess 3 of these were fesrful avoidants. The othet 2 were dismssive avoidants.
Yes after over a year of a situationship he ended it via a text. It has really made me feel like nothing! I understand all the things you state in this video but it's still hard as someone who's AP leaning secure (i took your test again and it says I'm secure now but I honestly realize set this I have some of AP triggered in this). I am doing these things you suggest and really am trying to move but I was already living and doing what I should for me. It's been 3 weeks of no contract and I still long for him to realize this was not how this should have went. But it did!
The more videos of yours I watched the more I understood his behaviors & responses. Right before the discard he said “you’ve really figured me out haven’t you? You get me.” I told him I’d been learning about his attachment style so yes, I understood. Around this same time my beloved cat got ill. This was all just before Christmas. I told him “I’m really going to need a hug when my baby passes”. When my kitty passed a few days later I told him. His response was to ghost me. 10:15
@@Jessica-tp4gj man that had to really hurt. I'm so sorry you experienced that. May be late and not real but hope you accept this virtual hug for the loss of your fur family!
Again this Thursday after blissful lovebombing on on Tuesday with some willingness to go into a process with a couple’s therapist/ attachment expert (Ben). She was on his profile page Wednesday (with me on FaceTime) ready to book and then she refused; by Friday (yesterday) she sent me messages and pictures with her new‚great friend‘. I am confused and again heartbroken.
Of course I asked why would she even reach out after 45 days of no-contact, to be absolutely blissfully loving and meaningfully talking? to go down the discard route so quickly.
They don’t see the point of talking about why they don’t want you anymore, because they don’t want it to get more emotional. They’re uncomfortable with how much they’re feeling, so they shut it down because it’s easier for them. If you look back at the relationship, you’ll realize they always did what was easiest for them over being good to you.
@@HippieZippy I was in a relationship with a few, and raised by 2. I just started paying attention to the patterns, and tweaking my responses. I started looking at my triggers and healing what was attracting this type of relationship. I still have a connection with one, but he sometimes will elevate and meet me. I choose myself and my well being every time now.
It is a very black and white perspective which sounds very rational. In an ideal world, if people cud just say, oh, my love interest whom i thot was reciprocating feelings of love and care, suddenly is shutting down, most people cannot say Guess ill just move on. It s very complex. Amd every pairing is unique to navigate. Most people cant figure out what s happening. U need faith and tolerance to keep learning about someone. U build trust. But if there are confusing signals or a lot of manipulation, it can feel very confusing. So, Thais is here to explain to confused people what could be happening in a relationship so we dont lose faith in people and maybe even get depressed or worse. Some pple never had guidance and need a caring person who understands our messy lives. ❤
@@stephanieg4950 yep. Live and learn. Meditation, breath work, self love practice helped me through all of it. I went from codependent people pleaser, to pragmatic yogi. I realized a lot of what was happening was in my head because I didn’t have the courage to have a conversation about the truth. Once I did, I was free. I wish you the best on your journey.
Experienced it. I saw the signs, moreso in retrospect. It wasn't acute pain but the confusion was baffling. You've been transported to a parallel universe, and end up questioning what is up and what is down. But remembering the facts helps. In a way, it feels like the twist at the end of a thriller, where all that you know is reversed. It makes me believe that love is a joke and scam, and I want to have nothing to do with it again. A wise Afrikaans lady once told me: "Those who leave don't feel it. It's those who are left behind."
yeah man i agree and empathize with you, luckily ive reached a point where i can joke about it but bloody hell if i didnt have good self image i was a goner for sure. Good riddance.
I agree, and you've articulated the experience very well. I would also like to add that those who are victims of narcissistic abuse also feel that they've been scammed. The cognitive dissonance is applicable to both experiences. Either way, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, and the silent treatment are undoubtedly all forms of abuse. Irrespective of the reasons, it's emotional abuse.
I feel for everyone here, I’m married to one and I just got discarded like trash. We share a child together. It’s so painful, I’m trying to grow from this but knowing he’s going to be in my life forever really sucks. He was my only family. Sending everyone a hug, you’re not alone ❤
I am sorry for what you are going through. Try to find solace in the knowing that rejection is God's protection. Love and take good care of yourself, someone more aligned will come into your life when you are ready. Love and light 🙌
My ex husband discarded me unexpectedly and in a very painful way as well. I am 8 years out of that discard and still working on healing my trauma. Sending you so much love. We deserve to be with someone who treats us with dignity and respect. 🩷
I feel you, I feel the pain from that too. I understand this is not easy … I wish we could understand everything that goes on in another persons mind but without communication it’s impossible. The way they shut down and shut us out is unhealthy.
I was so certain that this was the love of my life and that the other person was feeling it as well. But then all of the sudden they pull away and don't really wanna work on anything. It feels like all the shared memories and promises meant nothing and that you can never be certain that someone loves you ever again. But I believe they gonna suffer from it for the rest of their lifes if they don't address their core wounds. Which is also not what I want, but you I guess you can only save yourself.
They will most definitely suffer unless they are a) aware enough to realize their own issues and b) willing to work on them. Or they'll just go through life with walls up and be content that way but never find true everlasting love
This is how I feel, and I thought we were doing good, but she was keeping a lot of stuff to herself. We were together 13 years, and we had so many memories. 4 months after we separated, she's already in a new relationship. I feel like I never mattered. She didn't want to try any counseling or anything. 😢
I"m in the midst of being discarded. After, what I thought and hoped was - an increasing intimacy and understanding. I've never encountered such gaslighting, flaw finding, and disrespect in my life. Haven't spoken in a week - but in the time away from her endless drama and being blamed for her life dramas - I'm seeing that I put up with A LOT that I shouldn't have --in trying to be empathetic and understanding.
Trust me, understanding will get you nowhere. Unless they change and get some form of therapy, you can forget it. Save yourself the heartbreak and move on.
This happened to me recently. DA suddenly discarded me. Luckily, I'm securely attached and was able to spot it and "discard" the attachment to trying to solve it. I just accepted that the other person clearly has problems and its not my problem to fix them. Having the mindset of not getting attached to outcomes and only responding to actions is definitely a far healthier approach for me. I wont lie, many people have abandoned me in life - I really should have attachment issues - but I'm quite analytical and logical too and i've been fortunate that I dont let emotions drive my life nearly as much as most people do. Just remember, "its not me, its them".
@warrenmay3600 I have been doing the work for 9 years and when you think you have it in the bag life throws you another curve ball. I know myself pretty well but other people are unpredictable as fuck...nothing is guaranteed so you have to look after yourself....like a DA but not hurt people in the process. I think it is that trait that I liked their reserve and self reliance. I told him as he dumped me I will probably stay single...he broke my heart...
Been here recently. It was traumatic and has me questioning my next relationship. Why bother when someone can just wake up one day and decide to leave.
The avoidant discard is so painful. We were in a very good 4.5 year relationship and he walked away after a minor issue with no clear reason except he wasn’t “used to all of this”. 2 months of no contact and I am healing, but his actions make no sense to me, especially since we were so involved with each others children. He seemed so selfish and cold in that moment, it was like a person I had never met. Very shocking experience.
Just went through this exact situation. It really is emotionally devastating. Especially because I thought things were going so well until literally days before the ending.
I got discarded on our 1 year anniversary after having a wonderful dinner and opening gifts. He said he wasn’t sure if he wants marriage and kids, that I deserved someone who knew what they wanted. There was no warning and the relationship was pretty perfect. In hindsight, it seemed like any future talk brought out fear in him. This was 4 months ago and I’m still recovering.
You have described the last five years of my life absolutely perfectly. The avoidant discard that happened to me is exactly how you explain it in this video. After 15 years of marriage, she basically shrugged her shoulders and said “we had a good run, we have a couple of great kids and took a couple of wonderful vacations.“ She said she was leaving with no regrets. And she never looked back. She did not try one single thing to save our marriage or our family. I went to counseling and I went to men’s groups and I saw to “our“ issues all on my own. Now I don’t trust myself and my own judgment and I don’t trust anyone else. She kept me at arms length emotionally and physically for 15 years and I’m the one left with the pain and the doubt and she continues on with a happy life and active social/dating life while I wallow away in solitary misery, wondering “what went wrong.”
This is temporary. You will grow tremendously from this. The same happened to me. Past 4 months I've been extensive pain. But the healing is happening and I feel so much better. You will make it to the other side of pain
Not your fault. Her choice herr bull her loss. Sounds like you are a good human who works through stuff. I‘d say the closure is that she left how she did. Her disrespect speaks for itself. And for that, I am sorry. I experienced something similar although we were just dating, and I could later see a pattern. I pitty the people your ex is dating. A person who can just walk away from a relationship without even trying, must be hollow on the inside. Like a bamboo.
Yep, it happened to me. I was dumped for another after a four-year relationship/situationship. He wanted to remain friends. Nope!! Luckily, I sensed it coming months before. I am mostly secure, so through prayer, meditation, talking to loved ones, I am getting back to myself. Actually, I am happier now without all the frustration and confusion I went through with him.
Went through this about 4 yrs back. @thais, your channel was a HUGE support in getting through. The lack of closure and questioning if we could have done anything differently are deeply confusing and baffling. What has helped me get across with 100 pc confidence is that I have done enough self-work - I know that in future (and present), I am choosing differently. If I meet people who haven’t resolved their stuff, I am able to step back/ detach.
Just lost someone to this exactly! She is speaking straight to me! I was broken up over text! There was no closure and what she would describe as a "clean break!" I immediately became angry because we were in the middle of trying to seriously work on our relationship! We experienced a lot in a short time! She is a textbook avoidant. Every time I tried to break up, she would panic and beg me to take her back, and of course, I melted. I should have ended it long ago and saved myself a lot of pain. I will never get involved with an avoidant again. I'm sure there's videos on spotting them. I'm more of an anxious attachment type, and she butchered me. I'm also a widower from my wife of 27 years. Not recently, but this experience definitely showed me another side of relationship dynamics. The story is much longer and deeper than I can write here. I am just really ready to move on and feel better.
Mine faded out too but he won’t go away. He always comes back. He gets to the point where he feels these intense emotions and then he pulls back. I haven’t seen him in 2 months but he does text me here in there. So irritating lol
@@Darkempress45At least he's texting. Mine just straight up ghosted. I reached out every few months because I'd never been ghosted before and felt guilty because I thought it was my fault and I wanted to mend the rift and talk things out... silly me Now he's apparently moving in with his new girlfriend. Good luck to her. I give it 6 months max
Yes, this was 100% me. When I think about all of the relationships where I just walked away from abruptly, I feel so sad. I had no idea how hurtful this patterning was. I'm working towards Secure and I've learned to work through tough stuff with my partner. In fact, me and my ex-husband got back together and have been working on communication, vulnerability, and open honest conversation for the last few years. I wish we understood our anxious-avoidant, FA-DA patterns before.
@@kgonzalez8098I get the anger, but your anger here is at the wrong person. Someone who admits they have a problem and is actually working on themselves deserves the same connection as anyone else. I'm angry at my DA too, but I don't want them back anymore. They have shown that they cannot be trusted to even be a friend. All I just want from them is to admit responsibility and understand the suffering they caused.
Love that the comments are not just for those who went through trauma but also an open space for those who realised they caused it and repented, trying/wanting to do better and whats right. To those who still are healing but default to a stab, may you find the grace and healing you need and deserve. To the one who posted the unkind response above, wrt stay isolated and no connection, some thought... may you not receive the same courteousy you bestow upon others... Healing, courage and strength to all.
This. It was a 6 year relationship and one year marriage. He said one morning I can’t do this anymore. Didn’t really answer questions. Then he left for work (I did not know he’d packed a bag already). Never saw him again. Literally. Not once. He’d come by while I was at work to move out. Three days after that first day he sent me a brief goodbye email with info on how he planned to handle the divorce papers (we’d had a strong prenup already). I was traumatized. So were the kids (he had two from prior as did I).
I was discarded about a year and a half ago. I have no idea if it was avoidant or narcissistic discard. It was one of the most hurtful and traumatic experiences I have went through. It took a huge emotional toll on me. I still find it hard to trust or even relax with anyone new.
@@gazaustinmusic8321 Devalue is understatement. There was gaslighting, blameshifting, stonewalling and triangulation. Unfortunately, both narcissists and DAs do it.
They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, it could be both actually. I had the same thing happen , so i feel for you , I don't know you , but you didn't deserve it , and I am sorry.
@@gazaustinmusic8321 Devalue is understatement. There was gaslighting, blameshifting, triangulation, stonewalling... of course I didn't know what I was dealing with at a time. I only started learning about attachment styles and personalities afterwards. It all matches with the description of covert narcissism, but admitting it is the hard part. The cognitive disonance is unreal.
@@MAXIMUSWE True and it probably was both. Narcissism is in essence an attachment based disorder after all. Thank you for validation! Even if it comes from an unknown, it means a lot. Same to you, I am sorry you had to go through it. No one deserves such treatment.
Oh boy. I was discarded last year after 5 months. Everything was perfect, then I received a text "I'm sorry I think you aren't into this as much as I am." Which was crazy, i was head over heels for her... never heard another word. I didnt know avoidant at the time. I was crushed. Fast forward, Feb this year, she comes back. We start again, everything is perfect... then boom, ghosts again after another convo. These people are the absolute worst. Now I know what it's all about. And I couldn't care less now.
She isn’t dismissive avoidant. That is fearful avoidant. She likely wasn’t feeling secure in how you felt about her. I used to do this if I felt the person wasn’t vulnerable enough about their feelings for me because that made me feel uncertainty. Also, that’s self sabotage. FA who aren’t sure they will be loved in return will do this.
The issue is you trying again. If she did this the first time, why didn't you have boundaries ? As much as we can have feelings for someone, a complete lack of respect for you is evident. When your desire to be wanted and needed outweighs the logical issue (that she is not doing the work) it falls back on us. I used to feel like I was a victim as a healing fearful avoidant I have never just ghosted someone like that so don't believe everything you hear. You can have any attachment style but the key is self awareness and empathy.
Her recommendations are spot on. Exactly what I have done with understanding, accepting, forgiving, and letting go. It’s very difficult and it still hurts, but recognizing the reality and detaching yourself from that history is incredibly powerful for operating more from the present and looking forward to your future. Seriously incredible advice!
I was once (insecurely) attached to a dismissive avoidant. I'm a fearful avoidant and he really brought out my anxious side. I do blame myself to a degree and I am having a hard time letting go and moving on. I did learn some important lessons though, but... I think I've become more avoidant as a result!
This is so wrong. They love just like everyone else, maybe even better, but ppl like you hurt them so they can’t take no more abuse and they choose to suffer. They cut ppl out they love, because it hurts less than getting cut out from the person they love. The 2nd option adds to their trauma. If you want to keep an avoidant YOU must initiate as much as possible. What I find ironic is that your gender complains about avoidants , when your gender is avoidant by default. You gals never initiate, you ghost ppl, cut pol out theough text, ignore ppl you love, because you want to be alproached etc. Don’t you see the irony here?
@@roberth4395 if you're talking from your own experience, you might want to reconsider if it's because you're "avoidant" or if it's just because are a misogynist who loves the concept of "gals" but not the real human beings. (I want to say this in the nicest way possible, so I'll just say that what you've written is... misguided) Seriously, reread your comment and contemplate what you've written from a new perspective. There's some insight in there.
@@lawndartlele I spent about 18 years studying psychology and I am specialized on NPD and ADHD. You are a bad person and I would write words that I cannot as TH-cam would auto delete the comment. What you just did is called “projecting”, all the negative things you threw at me is in fact you and not me. Shame on you!
"The greatest form of selfisness" is a little dramatic. I think your not trying to consciously but you in the the processes of dehumanizing a group of people to make yourself feel better. Sorry for pain your in but this isn't healing.
@@roberth4395 I won't be replying to you further beyond this reply, because my comment came from a place of empathy and in return yours is purely an empty attack full of lies. How curious, you studied NPD and yet you preach of "projection". Someone who studied and UNDERSTOOD any basic amount of psychology would not categorically call someone "a bad person" and say "shame on you". Shame is literally one of the greatest burdens that patients who approach psychologists have... Lastly, I was contemplating your original comment, and realised that the OP never even mentioned a gender, and yet you assumed it to not only an attack about men, but also a direct attack towards you. Insecure styles have no gender, a woman can also be Avoidant too, just as a man can be Anxious. Think about that "projection".
So great to hear adults are wanting to use this knowledge for the relationship with their kids. I wish we all had this education and awaremess and practice.
Almost 4 months later… still hard for me at times. I’ve focused on myself and healing. I’ve upped my self care. I’ve even started trying to date. Then, boom! Back in my mind. It’s weird because it has never taken me months to completely detach. But this was the first time I got ghosted so maybe that’s it.
Thais, please make a video covering how avoidants deal with or don't know how to deal with mistakes (their own and other people's). No one talks about this, as they tend to be inflexible and incapable of forgiveness, as they feel resentful for not being able to communicate assertively and resolve conflicts.
I would hang on every word of a deep dive on this topic! Great suggestion. They seem to have a lot of trouble facing their wrongdoings and hold a mirror up to your face while hiding behind it.
@@meh_lady Unfortunately, the courage to be vulnerable is not common. That's why many people call them cowards. I'm always curious about how many avoidants have the courage to do unethical things in a relationship and some doesn't have the courage to apologize sincerely. They always take the escape route. When someone makes a mistake with them, they are ruthless and full of extremist thoughts -- as they cannot resolve conflicts, they become paralyzed in resentment. When it's them, a very common saying: "I know I do xyz, BUT...". With me, an avoidant never owned up to their mistakes and apologized without indirectly continuing to shift the blame to someone else. They don't know how to deal with the error factor (and here comes the attempt at control that they don't assume, as they are super controlling as well as APs). Many are afraid to open up emotionally to people because they will be disappointed. I find this line curious, because being disappointed and hurt is part of life. People who love us will hurt us. Everything can be resolved if we know how to… resolve conflicts.
it's been almost a month since my discard text. 18 months of seeing each other every week, and this came out of the blue.. One day, it's great, energetic, fun and laughs, and the next day "I can’t see you anymore" text...nothing in person, no "we need to talk", a ****ing text.... and crickets to anything I've done, messaged or said...I sent flowers of thanks for the 18 months, she declined the delivery. Somebody on here said something about the parallel universe, and they hit it on the head... I understand it now, that she's unable talk about difficult things, and has a whole truckload of fears about conflict and emotional intimacy...etc, I now understand that... But, do I accept it, or tolerate it??? No!... Do I want her back, not now!... Do I want to talk with her like two adults, absolutely... but I'm not holding my breath, that's for sure. What I've come to believe is that the very person I thought would NEVER act like this, did... and it's horrific and traumatizing in a way that I would never has ever thought possible, and I've been through some horrible stuff before in my life. There are triggers that are gut-wrenching, but ultimately it's her loss, and the wounds are not limited to me... I believe discarding wounds her too... it's a awful way to go through life... and there is nothing I can do about it, other than to care for myself... Lessons, Lessons, Lessons... thanks...
I feel this too. Same. Similar. 12 months. Happened day before our 1 year anniversary. Over text. After I gave her 4-5 weeks of space per her request to sort out what’s going on and why she’s been more distant lately. She knows she’s a DA now finally and in therapy. But of course, doesn’t want to talk about it.
This is what my DA ex did. She discarded me like trash, blocked me off everything, never to see me ever again. My closure came from Thais's webinars and courses explaining every single one of the reasons why she did it.
Thanks for sharing that. Identical scenario happened to me last year. It took me a brutal 4 months to heal from it. Once, I healed I started dating someone secure. About this same time, my DA ex decides to unblock me everywhere. It was kinda funny, because my ex saw a picture of me and my new secure girlfriend on Facebook. She immediately blocked me everywhere again! She never spoke a word. I guess she was hoping I would notice her unblocking me as a cue for me to reach out. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I hope my ex felt some pain when she saw a picture of me and my new woman together. My DA caused me extreme pain when she discarded me like trash. I hope she feels at least a touch of pain now too.
@@richardgene4231 I'm happy to hear you have found a secure gf. Unfortunately for me, I have not been as lucky. Been almost 2 years since the breakup. I have given up on finding someone new and just content loving myself thanks to what I learned from PDS. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish it happens to me someday.
I swear you made this for me. My wife discarded me just like this. It happened a month ago. I’m sure you seen my posts that my wife suffered past relationship trauma from being treated horrible in that relationship. She says she left out of the blue because of her past trauma. I absolutely blame myself and look for closer but she can’t give me anything but it’s from past trauma. I absolutely needed to see this video. Ty so much
Yep! Went from basically being engaged *unofficially" to calling him out on a lie just weeks after my father died. He said I need to leave and haven't heard from him since. 😢
Yes, discarded after 33 years of marriage, together 35 years. The most painful heartbreak ever...it re-opened my childhood Abandonment would. I didn't understand attachment theory when I was with him. Now almost 5 years after he started his affair, lied to me while sneaking around. Betrayal trauma and Abandonment...horrible!
This was really good. I believe my daughter is avoidant. After many years trying to get close everything was going really well and out of no where me and a few others were dumped. It has been devastating but eventually you do have to move on which was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
People have to self blame cause thats the only logical reasoning for someone to suddenly avoid and discard you after treating them better than other people. Then comes being stuck on how terribly the person treated you for being kind to them and that you didnt deserve that.
Everything was perfect during initial dating and before the honeymoon stage - everything was so mutual and open and vulnerable to a point that we shared our history of coming out of toxic relationships and working in therapy & doing the inner work. We also briefly talked about being excited about what the future have in store for us since things looked so organic and easy paced and then suddenly after you make a polite request for clear and direct communication when you sense them pulling away a bit, you get a message - “I don’t think I can give you what you are looking for, thank you for your time” leaving you wondering - WTF happened? How do you know if they even want to take accountability for leaving you hanging like that. It’s just so unfair to the person who is left behind. 😢 And to top it off, I got blocked everywhere for no apparent reason after the last message they sent. Just felt stifled. It still hurts after 2 months of no contact initiated by them. I really thought we had potential for something deep & real.
Currently in a discard situation with a DA for second time round (Long story). Suddenly they decided not to talk anymore ( text fizzling out) - they just didn't want to discuss anything. Things were going well before that as well and like nothing was wrong (at least on my perspective). Ive sent my last message to them and nothing back from them since. Being anxious attached it triggered my abandonment issues - what I feared would happen did happen . Ive never been so anxiously attached in any other relationship other than this person. I'm trying to move on but it's so hard. 💔
This is me right now. Mine just discarded me for the second time with no warning. No text or anything. Just ghosted me. Things were going well. We just FaceTimed the night before, laughed and talked then suddenly, he just left me. No reason given at all
@@kingdombeauty8575 if it’s any consolation I’m still going through it. The ghosting completely came a few weeks ago before that it was months of crumbing when they pulled away 6 months ago. They had met me once a few months ago (we were ldr), I could sense they were cold and distant and had this dead look in their eyes = very dark. They barely looked at me and didn’t want to kiss me.. at the end of that meet up they held my hand like they used to but away from their body and just said “ miss you” in a cold distant way. Then couple months of very intermittent crumbing and then straight up ghosting. These kind of people really do a lot of damage mentally - I am going through therapy just to recover from it.
@@kingdombeauty8575my ex girlfriend called me on a Tuesday night after we spent the weekend together. We slept together every day prior, she said she loved me and we cooked together, shared movies and laughs and just had a wonderful weekend prior. The discard was so sudden and utterly destroyed me. I spiraled into a mess of self destructive behavior thinking it must have been my fault. A month later now and I’m finally seeing things for the reality they are. I have been with plenty of women and no other relationship has hurt me like this has. She told me so many times how she was excited to be my future wife and wanted to have kids. I can’t begin to describe how bad it felt - like someone called me to tell me “she died” - I pray for you, I truly do because if your feeling the same pain I am we really both need a hug!
Happened to me this January. 7 years LDR, once there was an opportunity for relocation she left without confiding in me about her worries. 7 years gone over a weekend of thought. Utter rug pull. 4 months into N/C and not word. Tried to "have her cake and eat it too" with breakup but wanting friendship but i said no. Frankly shit sucks even as a secure partner. Gives me cocern if i will end up avodiant on the other end.
yes, one does lean avoidant after going through a discard but with time the nervous system regulates itself and you return to baseline attachment. what a roller coaster.
@hanmanteomkar very much so. The urge to reach out has been the worst. But I guess she needs to feel the loss and hopefully work on her own issues, while I go through that process of going back to baseline. Same a many other avoidant stories, the one I wanted to marry and be with and fight for. From her, not even a scrap of a fight to fix things just gone.
I lean avoidant now and have sworn of romantic relationships. IM pretty happy though, so fufilled in every other part of my life and really dont miss a relationship.. Once I started healing my own core wounds and attachment life got better and the people I am surrounded with are secure and happy ..
The audacity of someone wanting to keep the parts of you they want and set fire to the things they don’t. Friends?! Absolutely not, they’ve shown you that they are NOT your friend by completely disregarding your feelings! All of me or none of me.
The avoidant in my life is my sons father.. I guess I didn’t realize how messed up his head was AND that his past relationships were still an issue. He “ checked” out when I needed him the most during my pregnancy and had a whole relationship going on while I was pregnant and alone. I have PTSD from all of it. He is avoidant to our child too.. it’s the worse pain and it’s taken me years to understand how I could have attracted and entertained someone like this … both my parents are either avoidant and shit down or narcissistic. Fun.. my child , luckily, has me and has a beautiful childhood so far. He has been my shining light.
I love this and am so happy for you both!!! My relationship with my adult son has got me through so many dark days and it started when he was little simply because of who he naturally is. It’s nothing to do with what he could give me, we have just always had something special and bring each other such joy being together. I work very hard to not lean on him and keep things healthy and in their proper lanes, though. We both keep that in mind and that’s made our relationship even better because we know where we fit in and where the lines are. There’s no worship or living vicariously, but there’s no denying that we are each other’s person and it just so happens that we are mom and son. I want him to have his own life on his terms and would never interfere with that. We both agree that we are the cherries on top of each other’s sundae! 🍒❤
This is an excellent presentation! Years ago, I learned that I had an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style... and my type and the Dismissive-Avoidant pair up quite often, and experience a behaviorial/emotional cycle together... wherein the behavior of one partner (can be romantic or platonic) triggers the behavior of the other, and vice versa... I've learned somewhat how to better manage myself, and step away when I feel a DA withdrawing, but it still didn't stop a 27-year friendship from ending suddenly. You can seriously only take on at most 50% of the responsibility... the rest is on the DA and their lack of skills in navigating conflict and expressing needs.
Treating a sentient being as though they are an inanimate object is inhuman. People are not things. Discarding a person like an object that no longer serves a purpose, as though they are some trinket from the dollar store is wrong. Irregardless of the "lesson" learned, whether the people being treated this way can reach a place of forgiveness, there is no excuse for treating a person like an object. The mental health issues that lead people to behave this way are no excuse either. Dissociative and avoidant personalities often display themselves as victims, but the actual victims are anyone who comes into contact with them. "Years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture. The student expected Mead to talk about fishhooks or clay pots or grinding stones. But no. Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that had been broken and then healed. Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food. You are meat for prowling beasts. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal. A broken femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery. Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said." Discarding a human being is, in essence, discarding humanity. They are discarding their own humanity and the humanity of the people they bring into their lives. There is alot of DA bashing on this channel for a good reason. Thank you Thais for your insight and kindness and for helping people with their difficulties.
I hate that we are saying “discarded” as if people are trash. For anyone reading this - You were not discarded! You were redirected and rerouted! Your GPS (God’s Plan System) rerouted you. Ok 👍🏽 Ok!😊
Unfortunately, that's exactly how it feels like when it happens, they treat you like trash. Discard is not the same as breakup. It is on us to see them for what they are and on the long run, take it as a gift.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life it's what it feels like to them I guess but I don't think it's a helpful descriptor at all. I think a healed person would be past seeing it as a discard. I never discarded a person in my life, just got tired of relationships and left. But it's not in anyone's power to discard anyone, you must see yourself as pretty small and powerless to think you have ever been "discarded". And what bothers me is the assumption that people can't leave if they want? Like yes it sucks that someone left you but they do have that right.
I drove past my ex’s house after seeing a friend in their neighborhood because I knew the way back to my area best that way and I got very triggered by a lot of good and scary things that happened when her and I were together. They really hurt me when they left the way they did and I feel better to not talk to them while they grieve their loss. I’m not going to walk on egg shells around them anymore. Part of my still loves them but the other feels very afraid of them and still questions all of my reality and what it meant at all. I feel I still have anger towards them
Six years ago was love bombed by an amazing beauty. Had picked out a wedding date and then poof! gone. Came back tentatively a couple of times but disappeared for good. QBPD and FA. Last year very different, cautious, arm's length girl. Also amazing. After we got close she started pushing me away. Done the slinky thing over and over. CPTSD and DA. Difference is this one is very open about her issues and has begun therapy and has not given up on herself or us. We shall see.
I havent been diagnosed with AVPD, but I match all the criteria, and watching/listening to videos on the topic explains it pretty clearly. What always happened in my mind, was once arguing/disagreements started to happen, it always felt like it was the beginning of the end. Now I know this is a normal part to life. In a relationship though, I personally couldnt handle it. It was a pattern of behavior, and thats how Im wired....So I no longer even consider making attempts to get involved. It will end the same way, and its not fair to the person who is looking for something real. I do not have what it takes.
I’m currently experiencing this problem now. My wife disconnected from me and made a stern decision to keep it over. No explanation, just doesn’t want to fix anything in our marriage and it was just a minor issue with finances. She says even if it got better, there is no way to repair it. She doesn’t want to.
The closure I got initially was all Blame on me, recovering FA, because of my anger with their gaslighting and lack of empathy or caring concern when I let them know they hurt me. I'd be crying due to their behavior or words and they'd blame me. Both ppl need to be accountable for their part.
I went through the same with a guy friend. We had been friends for 12 years. He just stopped responding to me. He actually was intending on coming over for a BBQ that day and was texting me that he was on his way and never showed up! I got in touch 3 years later to ask why and he told me it was basically because our friendship had become one between him, my SO, and me. I said, well, thank you for being honest and have a nice life ✌🏽✌🏽✌🏽
@@zilfiii Thanks. I don't feel sad about it anymore. I do look back on occasion and think jeez what a waste. It definitely helped me to reach out and get my reason for why he ditched me because I had no idea. In your case it's a bit different because you know partially why things didn't work out though the disagreement (likely) didn't warrant the ending of the friendship. Have you tried reaching out, not to make amends, but to say your piece so you can get closure?
@@ijustneedmyself I have tried multiple times, but he never responded and also told a mutual friend that he isnt planning on ever responding. Its really sad but ill just have to move on
I can say if your avoident then I suggest considering what possibly can happen by sharing. Then understand that it is probably 100% chance your end will come if you cannot open to another person. I was married to a nice woman for 34 years. She was a mystery. I tried hundreds of times then decided when she said "I am okay " she was okay. She wasn't! She never allowed me : really close" like really close. It would not take much to have her question her marriage . To avoid conflict she ended up partnering with our children and then the scapegoating started a life of its own. You can feel it. When the kids were gone she seemed to be more into me until vacation. I understand how avoident attachment style is caused but will say that at least my experience you cannot force someone to seek help. To " hook in" they are extremely emotionally expensive and at the end a high possibility of divorce as happened to me. More than half my life invested. I grieve for her but Id not personally invest in another person with avoident style. Its a sad lonely journey and sadly they are lonely as well. If your avoident I encourage you to not feel shame but to commit to do the work and heal." For you'
I don't know, closure seems to be a waste of time. It's better to move on and find someone you're more compatible with. I do agree with taking the lessons from the relationship though. Once you understand that most people who enter your life are just passing through, you learn not to take it personal and shrug it off. "Most people only remain in your life for a season, but a few will remain for a lifetime."
As someone with the capacity to shut people off (though, wouldn’t fall into the DA category).. Closure isn’t about One accepting or not accepting that people will no longer be in their life. In fact, often, closure helps that acceptance process, more so - and, often, not receiving closure makes that far more difficult, when it comes to understand the lessons within that relationship, and the questions and confusion that come, with such abrupt change, within the relationship dynamic. Sure, no closure can be a form of closure - though, to leave someone on that receiving end, with so many questions, is rather heartless and selfish. Knowing that people come in and out of our lives, constantly, and are, really, never permanent - doesn’t make the treatment done by the DA hurt any less. If anything, ignoring that pain and only focusing on the logical lesson, you present, is intellectual bypassing. And can become harmful to someone, especially, in regards to their health - if they keep ignoring the emotional factors that come into play, by replacing them with generic life lessons, we all already know.
@@XOChristianaNicole I'm securely attached, but I do have DA traits. I've learned that you can't control anyone but yourself. Trying to guilt people into providing something for you they may or may not provide is not only a waste of time, it's a waste of energy. Whether or not it's hurtful isn't the point here. It's all about the energy you can be putting into yourself and focusing on attracting the right partner for you. That said, intellectual bypassing is about SUPPRESSION of emotions and I'm not suggesting that. I'm suggesting to learn from the experience and take the necessary action to let go of something you can't control (i.e. whether or not a person gives you closure). And yes, most people in your life are just passing through, so being unattached to the outcome is going to be MUCH healthier than getting emotional every time someone leaves. Emotions come and go and wallowing in them is going to DESTROY your mental and emotional health whether you realize it or not. This is why I pay close attention to how much emotional trauma a woman has gone through now. If it's a lot, she's likely to treat you poorly and have you constantly walk on eggshells like my ex. For example, my ex ended our relationship because she was triggered by a Facebook post of mine where I quoted one of my business coaches (quotation marks, tag and all). She also had me walking on eggshells the entire relationship and constantly threatened to leave after inserting herself into my business and wanting to change how I ran things. Couple that with the fact that she had narcissistic traits (always referring to herself in the third person) and being a binge drinker and prescription drug abuser, it was a recipe for disaster. This was all do to the unresolved emotional trauma she had and chose never to resolve (despite being in therapy). I gave her the benefit of the doubt initially, but after I surprised her for her birthday with tickets to her favorite venue and restaurant, she lashed out at me and this made me realize the relationship needed a reassessment. I stonewalled her for a bit, watching our interactions very closely and didn't even want to see her the night before she broke it off. Oh, did I mention she was an AP? In short, I accepted the lessons for what they were, gave her everything she left at my place and vice-versa, and focused on my hobbies and interests. I started meeting new (and better) women within the WEEK and even hooked up with one at a nightclub as well as a good female friend of mine several months later (which had more "sparks" in that one experience with her than in the entire relationship with my ex). As that friend of mine said to me one night over drinks, "I don't force things anymore." And you know what? She's right! As much as it can hurt and cause emotional damage, trying to force closure doesn't make things any better. Hurt feelings are a part of life, but we can't use them as an excuse forever. We NEED to revisit those life lessons we know so well and APPLY them.
This was my ex, both a dismissive avoidant and someone with abusive parents and an abusive ex husband. Not even 2 months into the relationship of calling me for hours (literally one night for over 8 hours), telling me how she doesn’t connect with ppl this quickly, sending me photos of her day and telling me how I’m the best start to her year to asking for space one night because we’re different and incompatible and just ending it. Now I’m blocked. I’ve tried reaching out to let her know I won’t hurt or abandon her but she gets angry or doesn’t want to talk about anything to do with us.
Yes , she's in a deactivated state right now. Regardless of how it might turn out , space & time is all you can do As hard as it might be , and believe me I know what kinda misery it is to act the opposite of how you feel...but right now your best bet is taking all your energy back , focus on bettering yourself , and go no contact.
@@MAXIMUSWE appreciate it, thanks. Yeah I’m not getting back with her. Last time I messaged her I miss her she said stuff like i’m a loser who can’t take rejection and a creep for messaging her on her other account.
Been there, my thoughts were if I had communicated better maybe it wouldn't have happened. So I just learned to communicated better. Turns out it had nothing to do with my communication. She just had a difference in values that caused problems. I wanted kids eventually, she did not want kids ever. But then there that communication thing. Had we communicated better we'd have found that not wasted 8 months together and break wouldn't have been blindside. I see that on my part and hers. Is what it is but I learned from it. Identified more of my values and communicate them.
My ex discarded me over a non event. I was completely blindsided. No explanation. But he continued to message me and torment me for months. We work together so it’s been impossible to move on. A couple weeks ago we got talking again and he told me he loved and missed me, three days later he took it back saying he doesn’t love me and hasn’t spoke to me since. He still tries to get my attention though. When we were together he would always talk about how we are friends and not boyfriend and girlfriend, yet talked about how he wanted a girlfriend. It was classic avoidant attachment style, but I’d never heard of Avoidant attachment before, until I started looking for answers to soothe my broken confused state.
I was discarded a few months ago by (and I'm still struggling to understand which she leans more towards) an avoidant or someone with pronounced narcissistic traits. I got love bombed in the first few weeks with constant compliments, the sexual connection was intense, ... And suddenly with the snap of the finger, gone. The reason I was given, through a voice message, was that she didn't fall in love fast enough. The only question on my mind is: what did I do or say? Because that reason is pure BS.
It is irrelevant what you did or said. Her issues are entirely internal and sooner or later she would have found something to leave over. If she couldn't find it she would invent it. If they're not actively healing it's pretty much a lost cause.
Shoe got on the other foot, as I started to grow and heal after becoming clean and sober (8 years now). We discarded each other (me DA them FA). Yes it sucks for sure. But it's also a golden opportunity. I see that now and I'm grateful because without being discarded I wouldn't have learned that happiness needs to be a decision and not a consequence of certain circumstances. I wouldn't have learned that I really needed to work on my self esteem and that it likewise cannot be contingent on circumstance.
Thais, thanks so much for all of your amazing content and what you're doing to share and help people. Quick question: have you made a conscious effort to slow the speaking rate recently? I used to adjust the playback speed slower than 1.0 to take the information in, now can all the way to 2.0 and still understand 😊
Discarded when we were trying to work things out. I tryed to breakup, he didn’t want. And 10 days after he announced me that he « suddenly » caught feeling for a friend…
It took me over 8 months to get over being discarded. He has recently been back in contact, which I thought would be lovely, but actually it’s triggering me so much.
I'm not an expert, but as I understand it, during "deactivation," the avoidant may continue the relationship but will emotionally shut down, become critical of their partner/relationship, and even lose attraction, as a subconscious means to create emotional distance when triggered. The "discard" is an abrupt breakup, as if they simply and easily discarded/ghosted their partner, to avoid dealing with overwhelming emotions.
Yup just happened yesterday, again for the 4th or 5th time. Have stopped counting but this was the last time. A one year long situationship, it was the second time she agreed to be officially in a relationship with me. I've been so understanding, patient and giving and have kept loving her even through all her destructive self-defensive mechanisms. This time she wanted to keep seeing me but take off the girlfriend label and be more casual because it makes her anxious. I told her that I wouldn't accept this because I don't want another year of emotional rollercoaster but that being a couple means that we have no pressure, or deadlines for getting things done because we have all the time in the world to get closer and we can address her anxieties with the foundations of communication, trust and love that we've been building. I'm waiting for her reply but I don't have very high hopes and I think I'm ready to move on now. She never filled any of my needs but I always had faith in her because she works hard with therapy and medication to get better and we had a beautiful chemistry and a lot of fun together even without much physical intimacy.
I've been discarded by the same DA.. For 3 times along 6yrs.. After going no contact she gets back every time.. This events was the main reason I know your channel.. After a while my purpose was to gain more knowledge about DA's to be able to sympathise with their struggle and for sure I tried my best but it didn't work.. Because the other person wasn't willing deep down to walk the walk after talking the talk.. I hope you can talk more in seperate videos about tge importance of putting the effort.. The important of taking responsibility towards romantic partners... Mainly after this traumatic experience I am not sure if DA's are good ppl in struggle or are they just pure evil behind the story..
They're not evil. Just don't allow the person the person to come back if they're not right for you. My ex DA tries ALL of the time. I'm polite but decline.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 you are right.. Myself I am AA so I take responsibility for letting them back and entering the same cycle again.. I was aware of my fault but I was just hoping if I communicated positively and suggest solution and be patient with them.. Maybe things would work 💔
Just don't take them back. But you need help obviously, it's not so simple. Can't tell an alcoholic to just not take a drink, right? Best of luck and warm blessings as you are in the right place.
@@SalihT98 I totally get it. I've been here. ❤️ It's not easy to let someone you love go. My ex literally just contacted me this morning to see me...again after I ended it last year. I'm still very much in love with him. Love isn't enough unfortunately. He's a great guy...my best friend. But I know what's good for me and what isn't so like the other commenter said, it's like trying to stay away from a drink as an alcoholic. Not always easy.
@@Littleowl85352 thank you for your kindness.. Its been a long journey trying to heal the trauma, the limerence and the deep fears of loneliness.. But now I am better.. And surely I wont let them back no matter what
I was discarded a couple months ago by a DA female after 5 yr relationship. It's not that it wasn't completely out of the blue. I think we all if we are honest, we sense when things are going wrong. You can literally sense when things turn. What really shocked me though is that this person Completely and coldly ended this over text, And even when I asked if we could talk and discuss it even that was met with silence. I really didn't get any closure at all., And nothing really bad happened. I was a very good guy to this woman. Its been tough. I didn't know what a DA Was recently but I have to say she checks all the boxes. Right, about a year and a 1/2 ago. We nearly broke up because I accused her of not really being "into" it. I told her that she wasn't a very warm and open person, and that I felt like I was being told to go away. I told her I thought that she liked me but she wasn't in love... she was the one that re ingaged and said she had a hard time showing her feeling and that she would be better. It didnt get better.
We have absolutely no problem calling narcissistic behaviour abusive. When it comes to avoidants and their behaviour, we take this soft approach. Why is that? In actuality, a discard by an avoidant is no different. The reasons are irrelevant. It does not matter if it stems from a fear of vulnerability or because they're scared of emotional intimacy. The results are just as damaging as when a narcissist discards you. It's painful & heartbreaking. But what it shows us is that they never valued or cared for us to begin with. Like rubbish, they will simply throw you away, as if you're nothing. Because in their eyes you are nothing. They're selfish at the core, just like narcissists. It's all about them & their needs. Abuse is abuse. Let's start calling it what it actually is.
We won't call it "what it is" because it's not. That's your view. Intention is everything and if you can't separate this then that's healing you have to do on your end. I don't personalize when an anxious attachment gets too needy or when a fearful avoidant flips on a dime nor do I personalize when a dismissive avoidant goes quiet. Why allow the actions of others dictate us? Having control over our emotions and having the ability to separate why people do what they do is important.
@Raindrops8888 I do not need healing.' Thank you very much! Nor do I subscribe to this false notion that everybody who is a victim of this form of abuse actually needed healing prior to being involved with an avoidant. Claiming that anxious people are 'needy' simply serves a rather warped, flawed, illogical narrative, I'm afraid. Avoidants will make a person with a secure attachment style anxious by the time they've finished with them! They will eat them up for breakfast, lunch, and supper before they've had time to say, " Am I being dismissed?" Yes, you are, by a dismissive avoidant. I'm a firm believer that all avoidants should be in therapy before entertaining any relationship. It's futile and will only end in a disaster. Not only for them, but for the people they hurt and discard. So, whilst motivations may help us to some extent, they do not change the reality of what has transpired. It does not take away the hurt or pain the person has suffered de facto. By the way, you have not explained or clarified how it's different from the infamous discard doled out by narcissists? How can anyone separate the actions and behaviour s of others and how they directly impact us?
@Littleowl85352 Well, I'm ageing very well, actually. And I have no digestive issues to my knowledge - thanks for the concern and for pointing that out.
They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, could be both in some cases, but you're absolutely right. Sometimes I kinda look at it as if an avoidant is at the lower end of the narc spectrum... I suppose by my observations an avoidant tends to internalize more , where as a narc is more extroverted & predatory in behaviors. An avoidant might hurt you because they don't feel good enough deep down , but other than the neglect not really abusive.... A narc Sometimes finds delight in the power plays and discarding I guess a more avoidant leaning narc which doesn't outwardly project their abuse more kinda falls in line with the pathology of "covert narc" or vulnerable narc.
She blocked me after some intense conversations about our future together. My therapist says it tore open some abandonment wounds in me left by parents divorcing and sending me to boarding school for 12 years at 6yo. Crying every day for 10 weeks now. Beta blockers. Antidepressants. Yay
Im still so confused by this 3 years later almost.... Im good looking, kind, and im so broken i cant date. Im not sure if i love this women that much or im just that hurt.
My ex has several dismissive avoidant tendencies and definitely discarded me. It has been brutal. She did at least end things over the phone. Things I've learned since.. the DA almost always gives surface level reasons for the breakup like she would say "we're just not each other's special person" or "it's just not meant to be", they're usually not self aware, they say confusing things like she said "I think WE made the right decision " lol like I had any say. I told her it was hard to get close to her emotionally sometimes and she acted so shocked! Not self aware at all. Most importantly what I've realized is that for all the self blame over things I could've done or said differently as another youtuber states, even if you did things differently it may have only revealed weaknesses in the other person and how they were acting in the relationship.
Don’t worry bruh- mine too looked at me and said - I just don’t think u are my soulmate- you haven’t done anything wrong/ I just feel this relationship won’t work in the future 😂😂 . I haven’t don’t anything - they just feel we wi have problems in the future so it makes me not their soulmate- let’s break up 😂😂😂
As a DA who has “discarded” I don’t have more discussion around it because I don’t think it would be helpful. Last person I broke it off with wasn’t a very nice person. As we got to know each other I learned he had issues with women, believed the holocaust never happened, and hated educated women and would mock college. I’m a college educated woman who works at a college lol. I told him we shouldn’t talk anymore but didn’t go into why because his view on life is just that. I can’t change or control him and I felt it would cause an argument because people get angry even when they ask for feedback. Now, we’re arguing over the phone because of my opinion in a relationship I already decided is over. Didn’t seem worth it
@@sj3969 I think ur reason is valid - in my case . No toxicity or anything- one day they just came and was like I don’t think we have a strong connection and that will be a problem in the future- you haven’t done anything wrong- I think we should break up. Just like that- that’s a discard- in ur situation they did something wrong and their hateful speech towards u- that’ will wallrant a goodbye . If anything I think u respected urself and set a boundary
yes very low emotional intelligence. My coparent DA told the girl he was seeing (while I was pregnant with his child) and how I found out he was cheating on me with .. that him and I just didnt "work out". WRONG>>> he literally gave me PTSD from his sh*tty behavior and ran when I needed him the most.. Its sickening.. Now he is avoidant with our child but what I realized is I am responsible for who I entertain and if anyone show signs of this behavior its an immediate block.. my DA coparent is blocked too and life is so much more peaceful.
@@kwamepipimofficialthank you. I think I most cleanly fit the definition of being a DA, but I. 90% of the cases my discards have been for things like this. One man told me he had slept with an underaged girl, another told his wife fleed the state and left him saying he was abusive. That scared me but I let it go until he freaked on me for falling asleep on the phone at 2 am. I’m in therapy and my therapist tells me my gut is well developed and I’m ok, but then I watch videos like these and feel like I’m not? Lol idk. Anyways, thanks for the nice words.
I think avoidants should be left to their own devices, you're only hurting yourself by trying to love them because they don't need it and they don't want it so why bother
As an ex fearful avoidant who put in the work to heal, I think all you life coaches should take some accountability on how you "teach us how to this/that the avoidant". Dealing with this almost pulled me back from almost completely secure into proper FA again. Everything was a lie to manipulate me. If you are still avoidant DON'T DATE. It's unethical and I at least recognized it early on. I even told her about it and she just told me about an unrelated story. Also I believe it's mostly avoidant women that get a free pass to stay in the dating pool for more desperate men, yet avoidant men are the ones getting demonized. If you wanna teach something meaningful teach people how to create aquaintances with securely attached individuals, and how to vet for a proper partner that they will not have to mold themselves around his hidden traumas.
How will I know when I am totally secure? When I met j I was an anxious attachment but I am on my healing journey! It makes me super sad that I was discarded like I didn’t mean anything to him!
What if they have a reason that they want to end the relationship... but then the relationship ends abruptly without trying to work through that issue? Such as one person wants to have kids and the other does not... and then over the course of less than a month they request to end the marriage without trying to find a solution? I feel that I might be in a scenario like this, but it is not so cut and dry. I feel that there is a LOT of avoidance. But I am not sure if it can be defined as an avoidant discard...? Some important things to consider: He wants to move to another state when everything is finalized. The whole time I was fighting for us to stay together before he asked for divorce, he would refuse to talk about his feelings or use any disagreements we had as another reason we should end things. He was also cold and distant leading up to every discussion he had about children or wanting a divorce & it all happened very quickly.
He told me he loved me for the first time and then got weird when I went out with friends. Said I had “guilty energy”. Told him i was not guilty and he just never replied. It’s really unkind.
This is honestly so painful! Its been two years and still I find it is impacting me, especially given his commitment issues yet he moved on with someone who he looks to be committed too, albeit it sounds like it is more chaotic given she is physically violent. I have tried to get past this and it is so so difficult. Is there any advice on why they settle with others after saying they are afraid of commitment. Its making me feel like I am insane
@@ΔιονυσίαΖερβού no, the DA returns after, again and again, also. They return after some time speaking when the intense fear of intimacy/being controlled/having the freedom limited dwindles. I was engaged to a DA and dated two others. I broke up with and have no feelings for my DA ex-fiancé (1st guy I dated), so he never ghosts now and I can't stop him from texting me, even by asking him to reduce contact, letting months go in between replies and giving only brief ones, etc.🙄 Now he wants to get back together, but if I actually took him up on his offer, he would run again. The others occasionally resurface. I should block them, but I feel mean blocking anyone who isn't outright abusive. The difference is that the narcissist is trying to inflict harm while the DA has an internal war and comes closer or runs away based on those fears. Both gaslight when you bring it to their attention. Feeling discarded by either feels the same and is equally as confusing and disoriented. When I read what survivors of narcissist say, it feels a lot like from my experience, though the intentions of the DA are different.
Mine discarded- me 8months ago we have been in complete NC from Day 1. After a month they went ghost- like completely vanished off socials and everything- Around Month 6, suddenly they watching my stories like a movie - now it’s been a month of half of them just stalking me and not saying anything or liking anything/ they just watch- They confused ppl-
Have you experienced avoidant discard in a past relationship? What was your experience like? ❤
To share my experience. Yes, 5 times so far. Started very engaged, but never clarified intentions, made me feel responsible for the relationship and sudden discard, but wanting to stay 'friends'. I am secure but felt anxious throught the period. The end was painful each time but last 2 times I felt relieved as well. I guess 3 of these were fesrful avoidants. The othet 2 were dismssive avoidants.
Yes after over a year of a situationship he ended it via a text. It has really made me feel like nothing! I understand all the things you state in this video but it's still hard as someone who's AP leaning secure (i took your test again and it says I'm secure now but I honestly realize set this I have some of AP triggered in this). I am doing these things you suggest and really am trying to move but I was already living and doing what I should for me. It's been 3 weeks of no contract and I still long for him to realize this was not how this should have went. But it did!
The more videos of yours I watched the more I understood his behaviors & responses. Right before the discard he said “you’ve really figured me out haven’t you? You get me.” I told him I’d been learning about his attachment style so yes, I understood. Around this same time my beloved cat got ill. This was all just before Christmas. I told him “I’m really going to need a hug when my baby passes”. When my kitty passed a few days later I told him. His response was to ghost me. 10:15
@@Jessica-tp4gj man that had to really hurt. I'm so sorry you experienced that. May be late and not real but hope you accept this virtual hug for the loss of your fur family!
Yes been dealing with this for months still confused and my heart hurts very badly daily and barely sleep
Hands up how many people got abruptly discarded with no closure 👐
Yeah brother.
Again this Thursday after blissful lovebombing on on Tuesday with some willingness to go into a process with a couple’s therapist/ attachment expert (Ben). She was on his profile page Wednesday (with me on FaceTime) ready to book and then she refused; by Friday (yesterday) she sent me messages and pictures with her new‚great friend‘.
I am confused and again heartbroken.
Of course I asked why would she even reach out after 45 days of no-contact, to be absolutely blissfully loving and meaningfully talking? to go down the discard route so quickly.
@@jurgenwehner3607 sometimes people can really be cruel
Yes, right here,… + 30 days from the dump text discard… Awful
They don’t see the point of talking about why they don’t want you anymore, because they don’t want it to get more emotional. They’re uncomfortable with how much they’re feeling, so they shut it down because it’s easier for them. If you look back at the relationship, you’ll realize they always did what was easiest for them over being good to you.
Thank you for sharing! ❤
And how did you gain all this insight if they never communicated that to you? I'm just curious.
@@HippieZippy I was in a relationship with a few, and raised by 2. I just started paying attention to the patterns, and tweaking my responses. I started looking at my triggers and healing what was attracting this type of relationship. I still have a connection with one, but he sometimes will elevate and meet me. I choose myself and my well being every time now.
It is a very black and white perspective which sounds very rational. In an ideal world, if people cud just say, oh, my love interest whom i thot was reciprocating feelings of love and care, suddenly is shutting down, most people cannot say Guess ill just move on.
It s very complex. Amd every pairing is unique to navigate.
Most people cant figure out what s happening. U need faith and tolerance to keep learning about someone. U build trust. But if there are confusing signals or a lot of manipulation, it can feel very confusing.
So, Thais is here to explain to confused people what could be happening in a relationship so we dont lose faith in people and maybe even get depressed or worse.
Some pple never had guidance and need a caring person who understands our messy lives. ❤
@@stephanieg4950 yep. Live and learn. Meditation, breath work, self love practice helped me through all of it. I went from codependent people pleaser, to pragmatic yogi. I realized a lot of what was happening was in my head because I didn’t have the courage to have a conversation about the truth. Once I did, I was free. I wish you the best on your journey.
Experienced it. I saw the signs, moreso in retrospect. It wasn't acute pain but the confusion was baffling. You've been transported to a parallel universe, and end up questioning what is up and what is down. But remembering the facts helps. In a way, it feels like the twist at the end of a thriller, where all that you know is reversed. It makes me believe that love is a joke and scam, and I want to have nothing to do with it again. A wise Afrikaans lady once told me: "Those who leave don't feel it. It's those who are left behind."
yeah man i agree and empathize with you, luckily ive reached a point where i can joke about it but bloody hell if i didnt have good self image i was a goner for sure. Good riddance.
@@hanmanteomkar I think I can now joke about it too, brother, but that confusion, or at least a bit of it, will always remain. Also, regret.
100% agree!!! The biggest mind fuck you will ever experience!
@@GeoffreyAngapa no need for regret, its either a blessing or a lesson! On a side note, Read meditations by marcus aurelius.
I agree, and you've articulated the experience very well. I would also like to add that those who are victims of narcissistic abuse also feel that they've been scammed. The cognitive dissonance is applicable to both experiences. Either way, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, and the silent treatment are undoubtedly all forms of abuse. Irrespective of the reasons, it's emotional abuse.
I feel for everyone here, I’m married to one and I just got discarded like trash. We share a child together. It’s so painful, I’m trying to grow from this but knowing he’s going to be in my life forever really sucks. He was my only family. Sending everyone a hug, you’re not alone ❤
All the best
I am sorry for what you are going through. Try to find solace in the knowing that rejection is God's protection. Love and take good care of yourself, someone more aligned will come into your life when you are ready.
Love and light 🙌
At least you can communicate with him. Mine blocked me for months. 😢
My ex husband discarded me unexpectedly and in a very painful way as well. I am 8 years out of that discard and still working on healing my trauma. Sending you so much love. We deserve to be with someone who treats us with dignity and respect. 🩷
I feel you, I feel the pain from that too. I understand this is not easy …
I wish we could understand everything that goes on in another persons mind but without communication it’s impossible.
The way they shut down and shut us out is unhealthy.
I was so certain that this was the love of my life and that the other person was feeling it as well. But then all of the sudden they pull away and don't really wanna work on anything. It feels like all the shared memories and promises meant nothing and that you can never be certain that someone loves you ever again. But I believe they gonna suffer from it for the rest of their lifes if they don't address their core wounds. Which is also not what I want, but you I guess you can only save yourself.
They will most definitely suffer unless they are a) aware enough to realize their own issues and b) willing to work on them. Or they'll just go through life with walls up and be content that way but never find true everlasting love
Amen @@tumbleweedconnection7906
❤🩹
Yep!
This is how I feel, and I thought we were doing good, but she was keeping a lot of stuff to herself. We were together 13 years, and we had so many memories. 4 months after we separated, she's already in a new relationship. I feel like I never mattered. She didn't want to try any counseling or anything. 😢
I"m in the midst of being discarded. After, what I thought and hoped was - an increasing intimacy and understanding. I've never encountered such gaslighting, flaw finding, and disrespect in my life. Haven't spoken in a week - but in the time away from her endless drama and being blamed for her life dramas - I'm seeing that I put up with A LOT that I shouldn't have --in trying to be empathetic and understanding.
Trust me, understanding will get you nowhere. Unless they change and get some form of therapy, you can forget it. Save yourself the heartbreak and move on.
Same here. I put up with so much I shouldn't have. I completely disregarded my boundaries and needs in trying to be empathetic.
This happened to me recently. DA suddenly discarded me. Luckily, I'm securely attached and was able to spot it and "discard" the attachment to trying to solve it. I just accepted that the other person clearly has problems and its not my problem to fix them. Having the mindset of not getting attached to outcomes and only responding to actions is definitely a far healthier approach for me. I wont lie, many people have abandoned me in life - I really should have attachment issues - but I'm quite analytical and logical too and i've been fortunate that I dont let emotions drive my life nearly as much as most people do. Just remember, "its not me, its them".
Trauma trauma trauma.... 💔 absolutely spot on. Never had such pain. I can never trust again 😒
I can totally relate. I don’t know how I will trust again, but I am committed to doing the work to find trust again. I hope you will too.❤
@warrenmay3600 I have been doing the work for 9 years and when you think you have it in the bag life throws you another curve ball. I know myself pretty well but other people are unpredictable as fuck...nothing is guaranteed so you have to look after yourself....like a DA but not hurt people in the process. I think it is that trait that I liked their reserve and self reliance. I told him as he dumped me I will probably stay single...he broke my heart...
Been here recently. It was traumatic and has me questioning my next relationship. Why bother when someone can just wake up one day and decide to leave.
Yep, I've been thinking why bother at all...
I'm sorry you had to go through this
The avoidant discard is so painful. We were in a very good 4.5 year relationship and he walked away after a minor issue with no clear reason except he wasn’t “used to all of this”. 2 months of no contact and I am healing, but his actions make no sense to me, especially since we were so involved with each others children. He seemed so selfish and cold in that moment, it was like a person I had never met. Very shocking experience.
Scary they can swith off emotions just like lightswitch😮
That sounds so unimaginably hard
I had that same thing was told adult issue & kid issues are separate they can still hang we just don’t have to….
Remember the Bible says a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
😢❤🩹
Just went through this exact situation. It really is emotionally devastating. Especially because I thought things were going so well until literally days before the ending.
I got discarded on our 1 year anniversary after having a wonderful dinner and opening gifts. He said he wasn’t sure if he wants marriage and kids, that I deserved someone who knew what they wanted. There was no warning and the relationship was pretty perfect. In hindsight, it seemed like any future talk brought out fear in him. This was 4 months ago and I’m still recovering.
You have described the last five years of my life absolutely perfectly. The avoidant discard that happened to me is exactly how you explain it in this video. After 15 years of marriage, she basically shrugged her shoulders and said “we had a good run, we have a couple of great kids and took a couple of wonderful vacations.“ She said she was leaving with no regrets. And she never looked back. She did not try one single thing to save our marriage or our family. I went to counseling and I went to men’s groups and I saw to “our“ issues all on my own. Now I don’t trust myself and my own judgment and I don’t trust anyone else. She kept me at arms length emotionally and physically for 15 years and I’m the one left with the pain and the doubt and she continues on with a happy life and active social/dating life while I wallow away in solitary misery, wondering “what went wrong.”
This is temporary. You will grow tremendously from this. The same happened to me. Past 4 months I've been extensive pain. But the healing is happening and I feel so much better. You will make it to the other side of pain
@@itsthetates. Thank you for the words of encouragement.
Not your fault. Her choice herr bull her loss. Sounds like you are a good human who works through stuff.
I‘d say the closure is that she left how she did. Her disrespect speaks for itself. And for that, I am sorry.
I experienced something similar although we were just dating, and I could later see a pattern. I pitty the people your ex is dating. A person who can just walk away from a relationship without even trying, must be hollow on the inside. Like a bamboo.
@@h.neubert8770 it helps to know of others have experienced the same thing. Thanks for reaching out.
Hit the gym and date other women
Yep, it happened to me. I was dumped for another after a four-year relationship/situationship. He wanted to remain friends. Nope!! Luckily, I sensed it coming months before. I am mostly secure, so through prayer, meditation, talking to loved ones, I am getting back to myself. Actually, I am happier now without all the frustration and confusion I went through with him.
Thank you for your vulnerable share! I'm glad to hear you are happier now 🤗
Wow, similar experience but 5 times. Usual cycle 2 years. Im tired and want to clear what in me attracts these feaeful avoidants. Meditattion helps.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool You are welcome. I have no ill will since I understand the condition.
You didn't deserve it , I am sorry , but I am glad you're getting better.
Went through this about 4 yrs back. @thais, your channel was a HUGE support in getting through. The lack of closure and questioning if we could have done anything differently are deeply confusing and baffling.
What has helped me get across with 100 pc confidence is that I have done enough self-work - I know that in future (and present), I am choosing differently. If I meet people who haven’t resolved their stuff, I am able to step back/ detach.
Just lost someone to this exactly! She is speaking straight to me! I was broken up over text! There was no closure and what she would describe as a "clean break!" I immediately became angry because we were in the middle of trying to seriously work on our relationship! We experienced a lot in a short time! She is a textbook avoidant. Every time I tried to break up, she would panic and beg me to take her back, and of course, I melted. I should have ended it long ago and saved myself a lot of pain. I will never get involved with an avoidant again. I'm sure there's videos on spotting them. I'm more of an anxious attachment type, and she butchered me. I'm also a widower from my wife of 27 years. Not recently, but this experience definitely showed me another side of relationship dynamics. The story is much longer and deeper than I can write here. I am just really ready to move on and feel better.
Happened to me. He ghosted me when the relationship was at its best and we were getting more emotionally intimate 💔
Same here. Literally just happened to me
He faded out, which forced me to end it, so he wouldn't have to feel to blame. It's cowardly.
Same here 😢.
Mine faded out too but he won’t go away. He always comes back. He gets to the point where he feels these intense emotions and then he pulls back. I haven’t seen him in 2 months but he does text me here in there. So irritating lol
@@Darkempress45sounds like breadcrumbing. I hate this so much
Same!
@@Darkempress45At least he's texting. Mine just straight up ghosted. I reached out every few months because I'd never been ghosted before and felt guilty because I thought it was my fault and I wanted to mend the rift and talk things out... silly me
Now he's apparently moving in with his new girlfriend. Good luck to her. I give it 6 months max
Yes, this was 100% me. When I think about all of the relationships where I just walked away from abruptly, I feel so sad. I had no idea how hurtful this patterning was. I'm working towards Secure and I've learned to work through tough stuff with my partner. In fact, me and my ex-husband got back together and have been working on communication, vulnerability, and open honest conversation for the last few years. I wish we understood our anxious-avoidant, FA-DA patterns before.
What made you realize what you were doing wrong? Was there a "aha" moment?
Well done Sabrina on the efforts you’ve been making. All the best with a deepening life!
Just live in isolation. You don’t deserve connection. Just like how your parents did it to you
@@kgonzalez8098I get the anger, but your anger here is at the wrong person. Someone who admits they have a problem and is actually working on themselves deserves the same connection as anyone else. I'm angry at my DA too, but I don't want them back anymore. They have shown that they cannot be trusted to even be a friend. All I just want from them is to admit responsibility and understand the suffering they caused.
Love that the comments are not just for those who went through trauma but also an open space for those who realised they caused it and repented, trying/wanting to do better and whats right. To those who still are healing but default to a stab, may you find the grace and healing you need and deserve.
To the one who posted the unkind response above, wrt stay isolated and no connection, some thought... may you not receive the same courteousy you bestow upon others...
Healing, courage and strength to all.
This. It was a 6 year relationship and one year marriage. He said one morning I can’t do this anymore. Didn’t really answer questions. Then he left for work (I did not know he’d packed a bag already). Never saw him again. Literally. Not once. He’d come by while I was at work to move out. Three days after that first day he sent me a brief goodbye email with info on how he planned to handle the divorce papers (we’d had a strong prenup already). I was traumatized. So were the kids (he had two from prior as did I).
That absolutely sucks. So sorry that happened to you.
I was discarded about a year and a half ago. I have no idea if it was avoidant or narcissistic discard. It was one of the most hurtful and traumatic experiences I have went through. It took a huge emotional toll on me. I still find it hard to trust or even relax with anyone new.
Did they devalue you? That's the way to tell.
@@gazaustinmusic8321 Devalue is understatement. There was gaslighting, blameshifting, stonewalling and triangulation. Unfortunately, both narcissists and DAs do it.
They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, it could be both actually.
I had the same thing happen , so i feel for you , I don't know you , but you didn't deserve it , and I am sorry.
@@gazaustinmusic8321 Devalue is understatement. There was gaslighting, blameshifting, triangulation, stonewalling... of course I didn't know what I was dealing with at a time. I only started learning about attachment styles and personalities afterwards. It all matches with the description of covert narcissism, but admitting it is the hard part. The cognitive disonance is unreal.
@@MAXIMUSWE True and it probably was both. Narcissism is in essence an attachment based disorder after all. Thank you for validation! Even if it comes from an unknown, it means a lot. Same to you, I am sorry you had to go through it. No one deserves such treatment.
Oh boy. I was discarded last year after 5 months. Everything was perfect, then I received a text "I'm sorry I think you aren't into this as much as I am." Which was crazy, i was head over heels for her... never heard another word. I didnt know avoidant at the time. I was crushed.
Fast forward, Feb this year, she comes back. We start again, everything is perfect... then boom, ghosts again after another convo.
These people are the absolute worst. Now I know what it's all about.
And I couldn't care less now.
Mate avoidant is decent term to civilize the devil
@@amitsalaskar1024 man, you ain't kidding.
She isn’t dismissive avoidant. That is fearful avoidant. She likely wasn’t feeling secure in how you felt about her. I used to do this if I felt the person wasn’t vulnerable enough about their feelings for me because that made me feel uncertainty. Also, that’s self sabotage. FA who aren’t sure they will be loved in return will do this.
@@audtasticgirl either way, it really sucked when I couldn't be more open with how i felt.
The issue is you trying again. If she did this the first time, why didn't you have boundaries ? As much as we can have feelings for someone, a complete lack of respect for you is evident. When your desire to be wanted and needed outweighs the logical issue (that she is not doing the work) it falls back on us. I used to feel like I was a victim as a healing fearful avoidant I have never just ghosted someone like that so don't believe everything you hear. You can have any attachment style but the key is self awareness and empathy.
I get a lil nervous if my phone listens or what’s going on but I swear the videos come just at the right time.
Her recommendations are spot on. Exactly what I have done with understanding, accepting, forgiving, and letting go. It’s very difficult and it still hurts, but recognizing the reality and detaching yourself from that history is incredibly powerful for operating more from the present and looking forward to your future. Seriously incredible advice!
I was once (insecurely) attached to a dismissive avoidant. I'm a fearful avoidant and he really brought out my anxious side. I do blame myself to a degree and I am having a hard time letting go and moving on. I did learn some important lessons though, but... I think I've become more avoidant as a result!
DA suffered neglect during childhood and as adults the DA perpetuates his or her childhood pain onto others. This is the greatest form of selfishness.
This is so wrong.
They love just like everyone else, maybe even better, but ppl like you hurt them so they can’t take no more abuse and they choose to suffer.
They cut ppl out they love, because it hurts less than getting cut out from the person they love. The 2nd option adds to their trauma.
If you want to keep an avoidant YOU must initiate as much as possible.
What I find ironic is that your gender complains about avoidants , when your gender is avoidant by default.
You gals never initiate, you ghost ppl, cut pol out theough text, ignore ppl you love, because you want to be alproached etc.
Don’t you see the irony here?
@@roberth4395 if you're talking from your own experience, you might want to reconsider if it's because you're "avoidant" or if it's just because are a misogynist who loves the concept of "gals" but not the real human beings. (I want to say this in the nicest way possible, so I'll just say that what you've written is... misguided) Seriously, reread your comment and contemplate what you've written from a new perspective. There's some insight in there.
@@lawndartlele I spent about 18 years studying psychology and I am specialized on NPD and ADHD.
You are a bad person and I would write words that I cannot as TH-cam would auto delete the comment.
What you just did is called “projecting”, all the negative things you threw at me is in fact you and not me. Shame on you!
"The greatest form of selfisness" is a little dramatic. I think your not trying to consciously but you in the the processes of dehumanizing a group of people to make yourself feel better. Sorry for pain your in but this isn't healing.
@@roberth4395 I won't be replying to you further beyond this reply, because my comment came from a place of empathy and in return yours is purely an empty attack full of lies. How curious, you studied NPD and yet you preach of "projection". Someone who studied and UNDERSTOOD any basic amount of psychology would not categorically call someone "a bad person" and say "shame on you". Shame is literally one of the greatest burdens that patients who approach psychologists have...
Lastly, I was contemplating your original comment, and realised that the OP never even mentioned a gender, and yet you assumed it to not only an attack about men, but also a direct attack towards you. Insecure styles have no gender, a woman can also be Avoidant too, just as a man can be Anxious. Think about that "projection".
Happened 2 years ago and still trying to deal with it..and I’m pretty secure.
So great to hear adults are wanting to use this knowledge for the relationship with their kids. I wish we all had this education and awaremess and practice.
GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW. What perfect timing, thank you.
Parts of the relationship that they met that I can learn to provide myself. Affection, financial support, love, relations.
mine provided nothing so why am i so obsessed lol
@@LCC78intermittent reinforcement. It’s addicting. Keeps you hooked and dependent.
Almost 4 months later… still hard for me at times. I’ve focused on myself and healing. I’ve upped my self care. I’ve even started trying to date. Then, boom! Back in my mind. It’s weird because it has never taken me months to completely detach. But this was the first time I got ghosted so maybe that’s it.
Wish I could give this a million thumbs up.
Thais, please make a video covering how avoidants deal with or don't know how to deal with mistakes (their own and other people's). No one talks about this, as they tend to be inflexible and incapable of forgiveness, as they feel resentful for not being able to communicate assertively and resolve conflicts.
She kind of did a few days ago on why avoidants don’t fight for relationships. Sounds like why the handle things the way they do.
Thank you for your suggestion! I will try and make a video on this topic in the future, I did touch on this in April 15th's video ❤
@@Wait---What I'll look for the video then! Thanks.
I would hang on every word of a deep dive on this topic! Great suggestion. They seem to have a lot of trouble facing their wrongdoings and hold a mirror up to your face while hiding behind it.
@@meh_lady Unfortunately, the courage to be vulnerable is not common. That's why many people call them cowards. I'm always curious about how many avoidants have the courage to do unethical things in a relationship and some doesn't have the courage to apologize sincerely. They always take the escape route.
When someone makes a mistake with them, they are ruthless and full of extremist thoughts -- as they cannot resolve conflicts, they become paralyzed in resentment. When it's them, a very common saying: "I know I do xyz, BUT...". With me, an avoidant never owned up to their mistakes and apologized without indirectly continuing to shift the blame to someone else.
They don't know how to deal with the error factor (and here comes the attempt at control that they don't assume, as they are super controlling as well as APs). Many are afraid to open up emotionally to people because they will be disappointed. I find this line curious, because being disappointed and hurt is part of life. People who love us will hurt us. Everything can be resolved if we know how to… resolve conflicts.
it's been almost a month since my discard text. 18 months of seeing each other every week, and this came out of the blue.. One day, it's great, energetic, fun and laughs, and the next day "I can’t see you anymore" text...nothing in person, no "we need to talk", a ****ing text.... and crickets to anything I've done, messaged or said...I sent flowers of thanks for the 18 months, she declined the delivery. Somebody on here said something about the parallel universe, and they hit it on the head... I understand it now, that she's unable talk about difficult things, and has a whole truckload of fears about conflict and emotional intimacy...etc, I now understand that... But, do I accept it, or tolerate it??? No!... Do I want her back, not now!... Do I want to talk with her like two adults, absolutely... but I'm not holding my breath, that's for sure. What I've come to believe is that the very person I thought would NEVER act like this, did... and it's horrific and traumatizing in a way that I would never has ever thought possible, and I've been through some horrible stuff before in my life.
There are triggers that are gut-wrenching, but ultimately it's her loss, and the wounds are not limited to me... I believe discarding wounds her too... it's a awful way to go through life... and there is nothing I can do about it, other than to care for myself... Lessons, Lessons, Lessons... thanks...
Wow. Feel your pain here.
I feel this too. Same. Similar. 12 months. Happened day before our 1 year anniversary. Over text. After I gave her 4-5 weeks of space per her request to sort out what’s going on and why she’s been more distant lately. She knows she’s a DA now finally and in therapy. But of course, doesn’t want to talk about it.
This is what my DA ex did. She discarded me like trash, blocked me off everything, never to see me ever again. My closure came from Thais's webinars and courses explaining every single one of the reasons why she did it.
Thanks for sharing that. Identical scenario happened to me last year. It took me a brutal 4 months to heal from it. Once, I healed I started dating someone secure. About this same time, my DA ex decides to unblock me everywhere. It was kinda funny, because my ex saw a picture of me and my new secure girlfriend on Facebook. She immediately blocked me everywhere again! She never spoke a word. I guess she was hoping I would notice her unblocking me as a cue for me to reach out. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I hope my ex felt some pain when she saw a picture of me and my new woman together. My DA caused me extreme pain when she discarded me like trash. I hope she feels at least a touch of pain now too.
@@richardgene4231 I'm happy to hear you have found a secure gf. Unfortunately for me, I have not been as lucky. Been almost 2 years since the breakup. I have given up on finding someone new and just content loving myself thanks to what I learned from PDS. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish it happens to me someday.
I swear you made this for me. My wife discarded me just like this. It happened a month ago. I’m sure you seen my posts that my wife suffered past relationship trauma from being treated horrible in that relationship. She says she left out of the blue because of her past trauma. I absolutely blame myself and look for closer but she can’t give me anything but it’s from past trauma. I absolutely needed to see this video. Ty so much
Thais, thank you so much. Very thoughtful and practical
Yep! Went from basically being engaged *unofficially" to calling him out on a lie just weeks after my father died. He said I need to leave and haven't heard from him since. 😢
I'm so glad you're getting the recognition you deserve! Please continue to make your amazing content!
Ghosting is what real triggers me.
Yes mine just ghosted me. We didn’t fight or argue. Everything was seemingly going well.
Yes, discarded after 33 years of marriage, together 35 years. The most painful heartbreak ever...it re-opened my childhood Abandonment would. I didn't understand attachment theory when I was with him. Now almost 5 years after he started his affair, lied to me while sneaking around. Betrayal trauma and Abandonment...horrible!
This was really good. I believe my daughter is avoidant. After many years trying to get close everything was going really well and out of no where me and a few others were dumped. It has been devastating but eventually you do have to move on which was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
People have to self blame cause thats the only logical reasoning for someone to suddenly avoid and discard you after treating them better than other people. Then comes being stuck on how terribly the person treated you for being kind to them and that you didnt deserve that.
Nearly 15 years marriage ended buy Email, I lost mind, until I start to learn about attachment Style.
Everything was perfect during initial dating and before the honeymoon stage - everything was so mutual and open and vulnerable to a point that we shared our history of coming out of toxic relationships and working in therapy & doing the inner work. We also briefly talked about being excited about what the future have in store for us since things looked so organic and easy paced and then suddenly after you make a polite request for clear and direct communication when you sense them pulling away a bit, you get a message - “I don’t think I can give you what you are looking for, thank you for your time” leaving you wondering - WTF happened?
How do you know if they even want to take accountability for leaving you hanging like that. It’s just so unfair to the person who is left behind. 😢
And to top it off, I got blocked everywhere for no apparent reason after the last message they sent. Just felt stifled.
It still hurts after 2 months of no contact initiated by them. I really thought we had potential for something deep & real.
Currently in a discard situation with a DA for second time round (Long story). Suddenly they decided not to talk anymore ( text fizzling out) - they just didn't want to discuss anything. Things were going well before that as well and like nothing was wrong (at least on my perspective). Ive sent my last message to them and nothing back from them since. Being anxious attached it triggered my abandonment issues - what I feared would happen did happen . Ive never been so anxiously attached in any other relationship other than this person. I'm trying to move on but it's so hard. 💔
This is me right now. Mine just discarded me for the second time with no warning. No text or anything. Just ghosted me. Things were going well. We just FaceTimed the night before, laughed and talked then suddenly, he just left me. No reason given at all
@@kingdombeauty8575 if it’s any consolation I’m still going through it. The ghosting completely came a few weeks ago before that it was months of crumbing when they pulled away 6 months ago. They had met me once a few months ago (we were ldr), I could sense they were cold and distant and had this dead look in their eyes = very dark. They barely looked at me and didn’t want to kiss me.. at the end of that meet up they held my hand like they used to but away from their body and just said “ miss you” in a cold distant way. Then couple months of very intermittent crumbing and then straight up ghosting.
These kind of people really do a lot of damage mentally - I am going through therapy just to recover from it.
@@kingdombeauty8575my ex girlfriend called me on a Tuesday night after we spent the weekend together. We slept together every day prior, she said she loved me and we cooked together, shared movies and laughs and just had a wonderful weekend prior. The discard was so sudden and utterly destroyed me. I spiraled into a mess of self destructive behavior thinking it must have been my fault. A month later now and I’m finally seeing things for the reality they are. I have been with plenty of women and no other relationship has hurt me like this has. She told me so many times how she was excited to be my future wife and wanted to have kids. I can’t begin to describe how bad it felt - like someone called me to tell me “she died” - I pray for you, I truly do because if your feeling the same pain I am we really both need a hug!
Happened to me this January. 7 years LDR, once there was an opportunity for relocation she left without confiding in me about her worries. 7 years gone over a weekend of thought. Utter rug pull. 4 months into N/C and not word.
Tried to "have her cake and eat it too" with breakup but wanting friendship but i said no. Frankly shit sucks even as a secure partner. Gives me cocern if i will end up avodiant on the other end.
yes, one does lean avoidant after going through a discard but with time the nervous system regulates itself and you return to baseline attachment. what a roller coaster.
@hanmanteomkar very much so. The urge to reach out has been the worst. But I guess she needs to feel the loss and hopefully work on her own issues, while I go through that process of going back to baseline. Same a many other avoidant stories, the one I wanted to marry and be with and fight for. From her, not even a scrap of a fight to fix things just gone.
I lean avoidant now and have sworn of romantic relationships. IM pretty happy though, so fufilled in every other part of my life and really dont miss a relationship.. Once I started healing my own core wounds and attachment life got better and the people I am surrounded with are secure and happy ..
Feel for you. I'm sorry.
The audacity of someone wanting to keep the parts of you they want and set fire to the things they don’t. Friends?! Absolutely not, they’ve shown you that they are NOT your friend by completely disregarding your feelings! All of me or none of me.
The avoidant in my life is my sons father.. I guess I didn’t realize how messed up his head was AND that his past relationships were still an issue. He “ checked” out when I needed him the most during my pregnancy and had a whole relationship going on while I was pregnant and alone. I have PTSD from all of it. He is avoidant to our child too.. it’s the worse pain and it’s taken me years to understand how I could have attracted and entertained someone like this … both my parents are either avoidant and shit down or narcissistic. Fun.. my child , luckily, has me and has a beautiful childhood so far. He has been my shining light.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I admire your positive outlook! ❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you It pushed me further into my healing and my son is benefiting from it..
I love this and am so happy for you both!!! My relationship with my adult son has got me through so many dark days and it started when he was little simply because of who he naturally is. It’s nothing to do with what he could give me, we have just always had something special and bring each other such joy being together. I work very hard to not lean on him and keep things healthy and in their proper lanes, though. We both keep that in mind and that’s made our relationship even better because we know where we fit in and where the lines are. There’s no worship or living vicariously, but there’s no denying that we are each other’s person and it just so happens that we are mom and son. I want him to have his own life on his terms and would never interfere with that. We both agree that we are the cherries on top of each other’s sundae! 🍒❤
@@meh_lady thank you for sharing your story. This gives me hope to know my kiddos will be ok.. ❤️❤️❤️
@@jb-ze1yh maybe, just maybe, if you - women - vetted men better before making children with them you wouldn't be ending up in predicaments like this.
This is an excellent presentation! Years ago, I learned that I had an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style... and my type and the Dismissive-Avoidant pair up quite often, and experience a behaviorial/emotional cycle together... wherein the behavior of one partner (can be romantic or platonic) triggers the behavior of the other, and vice versa... I've learned somewhat how to better manage myself, and step away when I feel a DA withdrawing, but it still didn't stop a 27-year friendship from ending suddenly. You can seriously only take on at most 50% of the responsibility... the rest is on the DA and their lack of skills in navigating conflict and expressing needs.
Treating a sentient being as though they are an inanimate object is inhuman. People are not things. Discarding a person like an object that no longer serves a purpose, as though they are some trinket from the dollar store is wrong. Irregardless of the "lesson" learned, whether the people being treated this way can reach a place of forgiveness, there is no excuse for treating a person like an object. The mental health issues that lead people to behave this way are no excuse either. Dissociative and avoidant personalities often display themselves as victims, but the actual victims are anyone who comes into contact with them.
"Years ago, anthropologist Margaret Mead was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization in a culture. The student expected Mead to talk about fishhooks or clay pots or grinding stones.
But no. Mead said that the first sign of civilization in an ancient culture was a femur (thighbone) that had been broken and then healed. Mead explained that in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. You cannot run from danger, get to the river for a drink or hunt for food. You are meat for prowling beasts. No animal survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal.
A broken femur that has healed is evidence that someone has taken time to stay with the one who fell, has bound up the wound, has carried the person to safety and has tended the person through recovery. Helping someone else through difficulty is where civilization starts, Mead said."
Discarding a human being is, in essence, discarding humanity. They are discarding their own humanity and the humanity of the people they bring into their lives.
There is alot of DA bashing on this channel for a good reason. Thank you Thais for your insight and kindness and for helping people with their difficulties.
I hate that we are saying “discarded” as if people are trash. For anyone reading this - You were not discarded! You were redirected and rerouted! Your GPS (God’s Plan System) rerouted you. Ok 👍🏽 Ok!😊
Love it.
Unfortunately, that's exactly how it feels like when it happens, they treat you like trash. Discard is not the same as breakup.
It is on us to see them for what they are and on the long run, take it as a gift.
I don't understand the word either.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life it's what it feels like to them I guess but I don't think it's a helpful descriptor at all. I think a healed person would be past seeing it as a discard. I never discarded a person in my life, just got tired of relationships and left. But it's not in anyone's power to discard anyone, you must see yourself as pretty small and powerless to think you have ever been "discarded". And what bothers me is the assumption that people can't leave if they want? Like yes it sucks that someone left you but they do have that right.
@@Littleowl85352 I agree. Since when did breaking up become a discard? If people want to go, let them.
I would love to hear your thoughts on what is the overlap and differences between discard and deactivation.
Deactivation is what the avoidant does to create distance and space between them and their partner. This happens prior to the discard.
I drove past my ex’s house after seeing a friend in their neighborhood because I knew the way back to my area best that way and I got very triggered by a lot of good and scary things that happened when her and I were together. They really hurt me when they left the way they did and I feel better to not talk to them while they grieve their loss. I’m not going to walk on egg shells around them anymore. Part of my still loves them but the other feels very afraid of them and still questions all of my reality and what it meant at all. I feel I still have anger towards them
After much prayer. The truth is revealed.
Six years ago was love bombed by an amazing beauty. Had picked out a wedding date and then poof! gone. Came back tentatively a couple of times but disappeared for good. QBPD and FA.
Last year very different, cautious, arm's length girl. Also amazing. After we got close she started pushing me away. Done the slinky thing over and over. CPTSD and DA.
Difference is this one is very open about her issues and has begun therapy and has not given up on herself or us.
We shall see.
I havent been diagnosed with AVPD, but I match all the criteria, and watching/listening to videos on the topic explains it pretty clearly. What always happened in my mind, was once arguing/disagreements started to happen, it always felt like it was the beginning of the end. Now I know this is a normal part to life. In a relationship though, I personally couldnt handle it. It was a pattern of behavior, and thats how Im wired....So I no longer even consider making attempts to get involved. It will end the same way, and its not fair to the person who is looking for something real. I do not have what it takes.
I’m currently experiencing this problem now. My wife disconnected from me and made a stern decision to keep it over. No explanation, just doesn’t want to fix anything in our marriage and it was just a minor issue with finances. She says even if it got better, there is no way to repair it. She doesn’t want to.
The closure I got initially was all Blame on me, recovering FA, because of my anger with their gaslighting and lack of empathy or caring concern when I let them know they hurt me. I'd be crying due to their behavior or words and they'd blame me. Both ppl need to be accountable for their part.
My best friend of 8 years Suddenly discarded me over a minor misunderstanding. It really broke my heart
I went through the same with a guy friend. We had been friends for 12 years. He just stopped responding to me. He actually was intending on coming over for a BBQ that day and was texting me that he was on his way and never showed up! I got in touch 3 years later to ask why and he told me it was basically because our friendship had become one between him, my SO, and me. I said, well, thank you for being honest and have a nice life ✌🏽✌🏽✌🏽
Also, I'm sorry you were discarded. It's really awful.
@@ijustneedmyself im so sorry. Are you over it by now or do you still feel sad about it?
@@zilfiii Thanks. I don't feel sad about it anymore. I do look back on occasion and think jeez what a waste. It definitely helped me to reach out and get my reason for why he ditched me because I had no idea. In your case it's a bit different because you know partially why things didn't work out though the disagreement (likely) didn't warrant the ending of the friendship. Have you tried reaching out, not to make amends, but to say your piece so you can get closure?
@@ijustneedmyself I have tried multiple times, but he never responded and also told a mutual friend that he isnt planning on ever responding. Its really sad but ill just have to move on
It would be great the hear about the FA discard and how it’s different.
This is exactly it. From start to finish
I can say if your avoident then I suggest considering what possibly can happen by sharing. Then understand that it is probably 100% chance your end will come if you cannot open to another person. I was married to a nice woman for 34 years. She was a mystery. I tried hundreds of times then decided when she said "I am okay " she was okay. She wasn't! She never allowed me : really close" like really close. It would not take much to have her question her marriage . To avoid conflict she ended up partnering with our children and then the scapegoating started a life of its own. You can feel it. When the kids were gone she seemed to be more into me until vacation. I understand how avoident attachment style is caused but will say that at least my experience you cannot force someone to seek help. To " hook in" they are extremely emotionally expensive and at the end a high possibility of divorce as happened to me. More than half my life invested. I grieve for her but Id not personally invest in another person with avoident style. Its a sad lonely journey and sadly they are lonely as well. If your avoident I encourage you to not feel shame but to commit to do the work and heal." For you'
Thank you for being the only non-judgmental person on here
My DA boyfriend left me by going out for breakfast and texted me he wasn't coming back. We were living together.
That’s horrible, I’m sorry you have experienced this!
I don't know, closure seems to be a waste of time. It's better to move on and find someone you're more compatible with. I do agree with taking the lessons from the relationship though.
Once you understand that most people who enter your life are just passing through, you learn not to take it personal and shrug it off. "Most people only remain in your life for a season, but a few will remain for a lifetime."
As someone with the capacity to shut people off (though, wouldn’t fall into the DA category).. Closure isn’t about One accepting or not accepting that people will no longer be in their life.
In fact, often, closure helps that acceptance process, more so - and, often, not receiving closure makes that far more difficult, when it comes to understand the lessons within that relationship, and the questions and confusion that come, with such abrupt change, within the relationship dynamic.
Sure, no closure can be a form of closure - though, to leave someone on that receiving end, with so many questions, is rather heartless and selfish.
Knowing that people come in and out of our lives, constantly, and are, really, never permanent - doesn’t make the treatment done by the DA hurt any less.
If anything, ignoring that pain and only focusing on the logical lesson, you present, is intellectual bypassing.
And can become harmful to someone, especially, in regards to their health - if they keep ignoring the emotional factors that come into play, by replacing them with generic life lessons, we all already know.
@@XOChristianaNicole I'm securely attached, but I do have DA traits. I've learned that you can't control anyone but yourself. Trying to guilt people into providing something for you they may or may not provide is not only a waste of time, it's a waste of energy. Whether or not it's hurtful isn't the point here. It's all about the energy you can be putting into yourself and focusing on attracting the right partner for you.
That said, intellectual bypassing is about SUPPRESSION of emotions and I'm not suggesting that. I'm suggesting to learn from the experience and take the necessary action to let go of something you can't control (i.e. whether or not a person gives you closure).
And yes, most people in your life are just passing through, so being unattached to the outcome is going to be MUCH healthier than getting emotional every time someone leaves. Emotions come and go and wallowing in them is going to DESTROY your mental and emotional health whether you realize it or not. This is why I pay close attention to how much emotional trauma a woman has gone through now. If it's a lot, she's likely to treat you poorly and have you constantly walk on eggshells like my ex.
For example, my ex ended our relationship because she was triggered by a Facebook post of mine where I quoted one of my business coaches (quotation marks, tag and all). She also had me walking on eggshells the entire relationship and constantly threatened to leave after inserting herself into my business and wanting to change how I ran things. Couple that with the fact that she had narcissistic traits (always referring to herself in the third person) and being a binge drinker and prescription drug abuser, it was a recipe for disaster. This was all do to the unresolved emotional trauma she had and chose never to resolve (despite being in therapy). I gave her the benefit of the doubt initially, but after I surprised her for her birthday with tickets to her favorite venue and restaurant, she lashed out at me and this made me realize the relationship needed a reassessment. I stonewalled her for a bit, watching our interactions very closely and didn't even want to see her the night before she broke it off. Oh, did I mention she was an AP?
In short, I accepted the lessons for what they were, gave her everything she left at my place and vice-versa, and focused on my hobbies and interests. I started meeting new (and better) women within the WEEK and even hooked up with one at a nightclub as well as a good female friend of mine several months later (which had more "sparks" in that one experience with her than in the entire relationship with my ex). As that friend of mine said to me one night over drinks, "I don't force things anymore." And you know what? She's right! As much as it can hurt and cause emotional damage, trying to force closure doesn't make things any better. Hurt feelings are a part of life, but we can't use them as an excuse forever. We NEED to revisit those life lessons we know so well and APPLY them.
This was my ex, both a dismissive avoidant and someone with abusive parents and an abusive ex husband. Not even 2 months into the relationship of calling me for hours (literally one night for over 8 hours), telling me how she doesn’t connect with ppl this quickly, sending me photos of her day and telling me how I’m the best start to her year to asking for space one night because we’re different and incompatible and just ending it. Now I’m blocked. I’ve tried reaching out to let her know I won’t hurt or abandon her but she gets angry or doesn’t want to talk about anything to do with us.
Yes , she's in a deactivated state right now.
Regardless of how it might turn out , space & time is all you can do
As hard as it might be , and believe me I know what kinda misery it is to act the opposite of how you feel...but right now your best bet is taking all your energy back , focus on bettering yourself , and go no contact.
@@MAXIMUSWE appreciate it, thanks. Yeah I’m not getting back with her. Last time I messaged her I miss her she said stuff like i’m a loser who can’t take rejection and a creep for messaging her on her other account.
@@syedbukhari6578 Oh man...Thats truly heartless , I am sorry 😞
Been there, my thoughts were if I had communicated better maybe it wouldn't have happened. So I just learned to communicated better. Turns out it had nothing to do with my communication. She just had a difference in values that caused problems. I wanted kids eventually, she did not want kids ever. But then there that communication thing. Had we communicated better we'd have found that not wasted 8 months together and break wouldn't have been blindside. I see that on my part and hers. Is what it is but I learned from it. Identified more of my values and communicate them.
Thank you. I have been suffering with this and your information was helpful.
My ex discarded me over a non event. I was completely blindsided. No explanation. But he continued to message me and torment me for months. We work together so it’s been impossible to move on. A couple weeks ago we got talking again and he told me he loved and missed me, three days later he took it back saying he doesn’t love me and hasn’t spoke to me since. He still tries to get my attention though. When we were together he would always talk about how we are friends and not boyfriend and girlfriend, yet talked about how he wanted a girlfriend. It was classic avoidant attachment style, but I’d never heard of Avoidant attachment before, until I started looking for answers to soothe my broken confused state.
I was discarded a few months ago by (and I'm still struggling to understand which she leans more towards) an avoidant or someone with pronounced narcissistic traits. I got love bombed in the first few weeks with constant compliments, the sexual connection was intense, ... And suddenly with the snap of the finger, gone. The reason I was given, through a voice message, was that she didn't fall in love fast enough. The only question on my mind is: what did I do or say? Because that reason is pure BS.
It is irrelevant what you did or said. Her issues are entirely internal and sooner or later she would have found something to leave over. If she couldn't find it she would invent it.
If they're not actively healing it's pretty much a lost cause.
An EXCELLENT and truly helpful video, thank you!
Shoe got on the other foot, as I started to grow and heal after becoming clean and sober (8 years now). We discarded each other (me DA them FA). Yes it sucks for sure. But it's also a golden opportunity. I see that now and I'm grateful because without being discarded I wouldn't have learned that happiness needs to be a decision and not a consequence of certain circumstances. I wouldn't have learned that I really needed to work on my self esteem and that it likewise cannot be contingent on circumstance.
Congrats on your sobriety and growth! I'm happy to hear you found a silver lining, self esteem is definitely very important ❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolthanks! It was either that or be miserable, so made the choice which makes most sense 😂
Thais, thanks so much for all of your amazing content and what you're doing to share and help people.
Quick question: have you made a conscious effort to slow the speaking rate recently? I used to adjust the playback speed slower than 1.0 to take the information in, now can all the way to 2.0 and still understand 😊
Discarded when we were trying to work things out. I tryed to breakup, he didn’t want. And 10 days after he announced me that he « suddenly » caught feeling for a friend…
It took me over 8 months to get over being discarded. He has recently been back in contact, which I thought would be lovely, but actually it’s triggering me so much.
How do you define discard vs deactivation?
I'm not an expert, but as I understand it, during "deactivation," the avoidant may continue the relationship but will emotionally shut down, become critical of their partner/relationship, and even lose attraction, as a subconscious means to create emotional distance when triggered. The "discard" is an abrupt breakup, as if they simply and easily discarded/ghosted their partner, to avoid dealing with overwhelming emotions.
Yup just happened yesterday, again for the 4th or 5th time. Have stopped counting but this was the last time. A one year long situationship, it was the second time she agreed to be officially in a relationship with me. I've been so understanding, patient and giving and have kept loving her even through all her destructive self-defensive mechanisms. This time she wanted to keep seeing me but take off the girlfriend label and be more casual because it makes her anxious. I told her that I wouldn't accept this because I don't want another year of emotional rollercoaster but that being a couple means that we have no pressure, or deadlines for getting things done because we have all the time in the world to get closer and we can address her anxieties with the foundations of communication, trust and love that we've been building.
I'm waiting for her reply but I don't have very high hopes and I think I'm ready to move on now. She never filled any of my needs but I always had faith in her because she works hard with therapy and medication to get better and we had a beautiful chemistry and a lot of fun together even without much physical intimacy.
I've been discarded by the same DA.. For 3 times along 6yrs.. After going no contact she gets back every time..
This events was the main reason I know your channel.. After a while my purpose was to gain more knowledge about DA's to be able to sympathise with their struggle and for sure I tried my best but it didn't work.. Because the other person wasn't willing deep down to walk the walk after talking the talk..
I hope you can talk more in seperate videos about tge importance of putting the effort.. The important of taking responsibility towards romantic partners...
Mainly after this traumatic experience I am not sure if DA's are good ppl in struggle or are they just pure evil behind the story..
They're not evil. Just don't allow the person the person to come back if they're not right for you. My ex DA tries ALL of the time. I'm polite but decline.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 you are right.. Myself I am AA so I take responsibility for letting them back and entering the same cycle again.. I was aware of my fault but I was just hoping if I communicated positively and suggest solution and be patient with them.. Maybe things would work 💔
Just don't take them back. But you need help obviously, it's not so simple. Can't tell an alcoholic to just not take a drink, right? Best of luck and warm blessings as you are in the right place.
@@SalihT98 I totally get it. I've been here. ❤️ It's not easy to let someone you love go. My ex literally just contacted me this morning to see me...again after I ended it last year. I'm still very much in love with him. Love isn't enough unfortunately. He's a great guy...my best friend. But I know what's good for me and what isn't so like the other commenter said, it's like trying to stay away from a drink as an alcoholic. Not always easy.
@@Littleowl85352 thank you for your kindness.. Its been a long journey trying to heal the trauma, the limerence and the deep fears of loneliness.. But now I am better.. And surely I wont let them back no matter what
I was discarded a couple months ago by a DA female after 5 yr relationship. It's not that it wasn't completely out of the blue. I think we all if we are honest, we sense when things are going wrong. You can literally sense when things turn. What really shocked me though is that this person Completely and coldly ended this over text, And even when I asked if we could talk and discuss it even that was met with silence. I really didn't get any closure at all., And nothing really bad happened. I was a very good guy to this woman. Its been tough. I didn't know what a DA Was recently but I have to say she checks all the boxes. Right, about a year and a 1/2 ago. We nearly broke up because I accused her of not really being "into" it. I told her that she wasn't a very warm and open person, and that I felt like I was being told to go away. I told her I thought that she liked me but she wasn't in love... she was the one that re ingaged and said she had a hard time showing her feeling and that she would be better. It didnt get better.
So helpful, thank you very much!
We have absolutely no problem calling narcissistic behaviour abusive. When it comes to avoidants and their behaviour, we take this soft approach. Why is that? In actuality, a discard by an avoidant is no different. The reasons are irrelevant. It does not matter if it stems from a fear of vulnerability or because they're scared of emotional intimacy. The results are just as damaging as when a narcissist discards you. It's painful & heartbreaking. But what it shows us is that they never valued or cared for us to begin with. Like rubbish, they will simply throw you away, as if you're nothing. Because in their eyes you are nothing. They're selfish at the core, just like narcissists. It's all about them & their needs. Abuse is abuse. Let's start calling it what it actually is.
We won't call it "what it is" because it's not. That's your view. Intention is everything and if you can't separate this then that's healing you have to do on your end. I don't personalize when an anxious attachment gets too needy or when a fearful avoidant flips on a dime nor do I personalize when a dismissive avoidant goes quiet. Why allow the actions of others dictate us? Having control over our emotions and having the ability to separate why people do what they do is important.
I would question the helpfulness of that approach for yourself and those around you, it seems like it could lead to both early aging and indigestion.
@Raindrops8888 I do not need healing.' Thank you very much! Nor do I subscribe to this false notion that everybody who is a victim of this form of abuse actually needed healing prior to being involved with an avoidant. Claiming that anxious people are 'needy' simply serves a rather warped, flawed, illogical narrative, I'm afraid. Avoidants will make a person with a secure attachment style anxious by the time they've finished with them! They will eat them up for breakfast, lunch, and supper before they've had time to say, " Am I being dismissed?" Yes, you are, by a dismissive avoidant. I'm a firm believer that all avoidants should be in therapy before entertaining any relationship. It's futile and will only end in a disaster. Not only for them, but for the people they hurt and discard. So, whilst motivations may help us to some extent, they do not change the reality of what has transpired. It does not take away the hurt or pain the person has suffered de facto. By the way, you have not explained or clarified how it's different from the infamous discard doled out by narcissists? How can anyone separate the actions and behaviour s of others and how they directly impact us?
@Littleowl85352 Well, I'm ageing very well, actually. And I have no digestive issues to my knowledge - thanks for the concern and for pointing that out.
@@HippieZippywell if it's helpful to you, then all the best! But I personally believe in sharing and focussing on blessings, not on resentment
This is great. Hard to discern this versus a hardcore narcissist
They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, could be both in some cases, but you're absolutely right.
Sometimes I kinda look at it as if an avoidant is at the lower end of the narc spectrum...
I suppose by my observations an avoidant tends to internalize more , where as a narc is more extroverted & predatory in behaviors.
An avoidant might hurt you because they don't feel good enough deep down , but other than the neglect not really abusive....
A narc Sometimes finds delight in the power plays and discarding
I guess a more avoidant leaning narc which doesn't outwardly project their abuse more kinda falls in line with the pathology of "covert narc" or vulnerable narc.
Currently dealing with this cycle. I'm exhausted
Worst pain ever
Most transforming “recover” ever 💔
My dog would never do that. Woof !
This is exactly why I go to therapy and somatics to heal.
She blocked me after some intense conversations about our future together. My therapist says it tore open some abandonment wounds in me left by parents divorcing and sending me to boarding school for 12 years at 6yo. Crying every day for 10 weeks now. Beta blockers. Antidepressants. Yay
Im still so confused by this 3 years later almost.... Im good looking, kind, and im so broken i cant date. Im not sure if i love this women that much or im just that hurt.
My ex has several dismissive avoidant tendencies and definitely discarded me. It has been brutal. She did at least end things over the phone. Things I've learned since.. the DA almost always gives surface level reasons for the breakup like she would say "we're just not each other's special person" or "it's just not meant to be", they're usually not self aware, they say confusing things like she said "I think WE made the right decision " lol like I had any say. I told her it was hard to get close to her emotionally sometimes and she acted so shocked! Not self aware at all. Most importantly what I've realized is that for all the self blame over things I could've done or said differently as another youtuber states, even if you did things differently it may have only revealed weaknesses in the other person and how they were acting in the relationship.
Don’t worry bruh- mine too looked at me and said - I just don’t think u are my soulmate- you haven’t done anything wrong/ I just feel this relationship won’t work in the future 😂😂 .
I haven’t don’t anything - they just feel we wi have problems in the future so it makes me not their soulmate- let’s break up 😂😂😂
As a DA who has “discarded” I don’t have more discussion around it because I don’t think it would be helpful. Last person I broke it off with wasn’t a very nice person. As we got to know each other I learned he had issues with women, believed the holocaust never happened, and hated educated women and would mock college. I’m a college educated woman who works at a college lol. I told him we shouldn’t talk anymore but didn’t go into why because his view on life is just that. I can’t change or control him and I felt it would cause an argument because people get angry even when they ask for feedback. Now, we’re arguing over the phone because of my opinion in a relationship I already decided is over. Didn’t seem worth it
@@sj3969 I think ur reason is valid - in my case . No toxicity or anything- one day they just came and was like I don’t think we have a strong connection and that will be a problem in the future- you haven’t done anything wrong- I think we should break up.
Just like that- that’s a discard- in ur situation they did something wrong and their hateful speech towards u- that’ will wallrant a goodbye .
If anything I think u respected urself and set a boundary
yes very low emotional intelligence. My coparent DA told the girl he was seeing (while I was pregnant with his child) and how I found out he was cheating on me with .. that him and I just didnt "work out". WRONG>>> he literally gave me PTSD from his sh*tty behavior and ran when I needed him the most.. Its sickening.. Now he is avoidant with our child but what I realized is I am responsible for who I entertain and if anyone show signs of this behavior its an immediate block.. my DA coparent is blocked too and life is so much more peaceful.
@@kwamepipimofficialthank you. I think I most cleanly fit the definition of being a DA, but I. 90% of the cases my discards have been for things like this. One man told me he had slept with an underaged girl, another told his wife fleed the state and left him saying he was abusive. That scared me but I let it go until he freaked on me for falling asleep on the phone at 2 am. I’m in therapy and my therapist tells me my gut is well developed and I’m ok, but then I watch videos like these and feel like I’m not? Lol idk. Anyways, thanks for the nice words.
Thank you, Thais
I think avoidants should be left to their own devices, you're only hurting yourself by trying to love them because they don't need it and they don't want it so why bother
As an ex fearful avoidant who put in the work to heal, I think all you life coaches should take some accountability on how you "teach us how to this/that the avoidant". Dealing with this almost pulled me back from almost completely secure into proper FA again. Everything was a lie to manipulate me. If you are still avoidant DON'T DATE. It's unethical and I at least recognized it early on. I even told her about it and she just told me about an unrelated story. Also I believe it's mostly avoidant women that get a free pass to stay in the dating pool for more desperate men, yet avoidant men are the ones getting demonized.
If you wanna teach something meaningful teach people how to create aquaintances with securely attached individuals, and how to vet for a proper partner that they will not have to mold themselves around his hidden traumas.
I do this to everyone but I don't mean to and it sucks
How will I know when I am totally secure?
When I met j I was an anxious attachment but I am on my healing journey! It makes me super sad that I was discarded like I didn’t mean anything to him!
What if they have a reason that they want to end the relationship... but then the relationship ends abruptly without trying to work through that issue? Such as one person wants to have kids and the other does not... and then over the course of less than a month they request to end the marriage without trying to find a solution? I feel that I might be in a scenario like this, but it is not so cut and dry. I feel that there is a LOT of avoidance. But I am not sure if it can be defined as an avoidant discard...? Some important things to consider: He wants to move to another state when everything is finalized. The whole time I was fighting for us to stay together before he asked for divorce, he would refuse to talk about his feelings or use any disagreements we had as another reason we should end things. He was also cold and distant leading up to every discussion he had about children or wanting a divorce & it all happened very quickly.
Part of me is also afraid that they would try to hurt me if I saw them even though I know it’s not true
He told me he loved me for the first time and then got weird when I went out with friends. Said I had “guilty energy”. Told him i was not guilty and he just never replied. It’s really unkind.
This is honestly so painful! Its been two years and still I find it is impacting me, especially given his commitment issues yet he moved on with someone who he looks to be committed too, albeit it sounds like it is more chaotic given she is physically violent. I have tried to get past this and it is so so difficult. Is there any advice on why they settle with others after saying they are afraid of commitment. Its making me feel like I am insane
Broke up dec 2019. discarded 2023 Q1. And it still hurts
What’s the difference between this and being discarded by a narc?
The narc will hoover after the discard. The DA will just ghost you as if you've never met.
@@ΔιονυσίαΖερβού no, the DA returns after, again and again, also. They return after some time speaking when the intense fear of intimacy/being controlled/having the freedom limited dwindles.
I was engaged to a DA and dated two others. I broke up with and have no feelings for my DA ex-fiancé (1st guy I dated), so he never ghosts now and I can't stop him from texting me, even by asking him to reduce contact, letting months go in between replies and giving only brief ones, etc.🙄 Now he wants to get back together, but if I actually took him up on his offer, he would run again. The others occasionally resurface. I should block them, but I feel mean blocking anyone who isn't outright abusive.
The difference is that the narcissist is trying to inflict harm while the DA has an internal war and comes closer or runs away based on those fears. Both gaslight when you bring it to their attention. Feeling discarded by either feels the same and is equally as confusing and disoriented. When I read what survivors of narcissist say, it feels a lot like from my experience, though the intentions of the DA are different.
The Narc devalues you for weeks before which helps to make you feel even worse
The Narc devalues you for weeks before. Which makes it even worse.
Mine discarded- me 8months ago we have been in complete NC from Day 1.
After a month they went ghost- like completely vanished off socials and everything-
Around Month 6, suddenly they watching my stories like a movie - now it’s been a month of half of them just stalking me and not saying anything or liking anything/ they just watch-
They confused ppl-