What Fearful Avoidants Feel During No Contact!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ส.ค. 2024
- No contact with fearful avoidants can be an emotional rollercoaster. During this time, you may wonder what they're feeling or thinking and that's exactly what this video covers!
Chapters:
00:00 Intro
00:48 What Is No Contact?
01:31 Phase 1 - Relief
04:25 Phase 2 - Numbing
06:39 Phase 3 - Longing
09:38 What To Do When They Come Back
Download My Free 14-day No Contact Journal⬇️
www.healingwithcharlie.co/no-...
Interested In A 1-1 Session With Me? Use The Link Below To Book A Call ⬇️
www.healingwithcharlie.co/ser...
Connect with me for more tips and advice to heal your attachment style!
/ healingwithcharlie
open.spotify.com/show/6Zn3NnV...
The person may become flippy floppy with their actions at some point. With things like 'I don't need this person' to 'I miss them' or a form of breadcrumbing by blocking and unblocking the dumpee on social media to deactivating and reactivating their account to try and get noticed. Spark a reaction from dumpee. This may come across as immature but its an FA's way of an indirect direct connection as they don't want to come across as vulnerable. This shows they are still emotionally invested and may be beginning to question the decision they made.
It is immature. A mature, secure person would just directly contact the ex and be completely open about what they're thinking and feeling. Looking for a reaction by blocking and unblocking is manipulation, "if I do this a bunch of times, they'll see I'm noticing them", instead, just contact them, no games necessary. Vulnerability is key to a fulfilling relationship, I get that FA's are afraid, but manipulation will NOT make anyone feel better and it won't fix anything, it won't spare anyone the pain that comes with dishonest actions and intent. No one is capable of healing the FA but themselves, with hard work and professional guidance...this is/was NOT their partner or ex's responsibility. If the FA questions their actions, they could do themselves a huge favor and get real, professional help *instead* of contacting an ex (just to hurt them and themselves all over again).
Good comment. I can absolutely relate
Are you sure you didn't date the same person I did? She did everything that you listed in your response. the block/unblock game the deactivating accounts, and bs messages after bouts of no contact when I didn't come back begging and pleading with her. I honestly can give a rat's ass at this point if she returns. She's broken up with me easily a good 30 plus times in about 2.5 years.
Emotionally invested while at the same time emotionally unavailable. The pendulum swings.
@PB-md3nt Ha, possibly. She went straight into a rebound relationship. This might be to elicit a response from myself but I've not acknowledged it. Been told by friends it looks so rushed n forced. This seems very common once you read up on attachment styles and relationships.
Nothing worse than being left in limbo because the break up was so sudden. However coming across these tyoes of videos and researching attachment theory ive actually understood mkre about myself aswell! Fingers crossed she reaches out. Got a lot to talk about im sure she woukd be appreciative.
Thanks to Charlie and these videos, I initially came to watch about my FA whom I had to walk away from and eventually block to protect myself, but after watching more videos, I came to realise I am a DA 🤦🏽♀️ me and my FA have been in this roller coaster ride for 3 years, but this is the first time I had to block this long😢 I do miss him a lot but I cannot afford to be played around his indecisiveness and fake promises. It just hurts too much.
I’m glad you’re learning more about yourself in the process! Sometimes healing your own attachment style means you have to make tough decisions that prioritize your happiness and self worth. I wish you all the best and hope my videos will continue to help you along your journey! :)
..When my ex F.A decided to leave , I realized I was more FA than he was.. I ran off, went no contact , blocked him and moved far away. He's been stalking me aggressively ever since after years of breaking up. Not going back. He's on his own. I have freedom and liberation from his craziness Rather be single or have a secure person.. ❤
sounds more AP than FA
I can't imagine wanting to engage with avoidants ever again. If someone isn't capable of managing their own feelings, they can't care properly for someone else's. Not saying this out of bitterness - I am healing my own FA style, processing a break-up, after 3 1/2 committed years with an FA. Him discarding me was (has been, still is) the most confusing and painful experience of my life but also a breakthrough time in terms of facing up to my own crappy patterns, blindspots, flaws and wounds. It's been almost 6mths, we recently had to email each other due to paperwork and I'd say he's in the double-down phase - he's rewritten history about our time, key facts erased or changed, zero signs of introspection. Only blame and coldness. I can see now that this is extreme avoidance, not about me. Be aware that the person you're longing for may not even be on the same planet as you. There's something about avoidants that really attracts us... I think it's finally, after a lifetime, starting to repel me.
I was with an FA for almost 2 years, he broke up with me. Later he'd try to contact me, every couple months or so and I'd turn down every option to meet up, I'm a no contact person after a break up. Seven months after break-up, he insists he calls me, he then brags about how great his life is, how busy he is -- I fester for days after this call, so I tell him how upset I was, I bring up the ways he hurt and betrayed me(he claimed he had no clue why I was upset), he tells me "I never did any of that stuff to you, I won't apologize for something I didn't do or don't remember." Yours is the first comment I've seen of the FA rewriting history. I blocked him after that last call and only yesterday did I realize he was an FA. For 4 months I've been so confused and hurt, but now, after reading so many peoples experiences, I see that what I went through is pretty standard.
I got dumped via discord message after a seven month relationship. I didn't get any explanation and have no way to contact that person, which is for the better, I suppose. Thank you for your guidance. This is helping me see how I was coming at the breakup from an ineffective way. I'm 3 weeks into no contact and I'm in denial that they're gone and I need to stop . _. I keep telling myself "this person isn't for you, let them be," but it's hard. I'm trying so hard not to let this become a PTSD related issue for me, but I'm already having nightmares so I think I'm forked.
The journal is helpful. Thank you for that
I'm glad the journal has been helpful for you! I'm currently working on more free resources and books that will hopefully be released later this year :)
Mine FA broke up (it seems that he got triggered unintentionally in the abandonment and I'm bad wounds), then showed up twice in the first month, stopping to talk briefly and he was still emotional, then disappeared completely for 1 month, then showed up again but no stop, just saying Hi with the hand, then we bumped into each other and he was cold, distant,unemotional (looked a bit angry though), we had a small argument, then 4 days later he showed up again (he has this pattern to search for me where he knows he can find me at a specific time, did this also while together until he verbalized it and we started to meet before his morning shifts), no stop just saying Hi with the hand and now again MIA (it's been 2 weeks now) 😑
Hi Charlie. What if the FA rebounds 26 days later after a good 3½ year relationship (off course with the usualy rollercoaster hot and cold behavoir). Thanks for your input.
I recommend going no contact for your own happiness. Rebound relationships don’t usually work out, and if you pull your energy and effort back during this time, there’s a higher likelihood they’ll reach out to you if/when the rebound fails
Sometimes FAs use rebounds as a way to process their last relationship and sometimes they do this by dating someone similar to you (either in appearance or personality wise). This can help them to see the grass wasn’t greener so they may come back around. No contact helps make that more likely if that’s your intention
Hi Charlie,
My ex started watching my instagram stories when I was on a holiday he was also supposed to be at, does that mean anything? This was after 7 weeks of the breakup.
I tried to message him around 6 weeks and he responded once.
Do I wait again to see if he reaches out?
Broke up 6 months ago, wanted to level up the relationship by getting married. Her family didn’t approve. My ex went from saying I’ll fight for us to 3 months later saying move on and I feel like she used resent to get over me. She used such petty reasons to say why it wouldn’t work.
It’s now almost been 3 months of NC since we last spoke and she told me to move on and respect her decision.
Is it truly done now? I still feel like it’s blindsighted and I’m still falling
What happens if I am the one who breaks up with an FA? How do they react/feel then?
Hey Charlie, what if I notice that she is pulling away but we did not actually break up. How to manage this distance and no contact and make them evaluate the situation if we are not actually apart, the only thing is she pulling away and bearly reaching out. Brazilians valantine day is next week and I'd like to give her the gift I already bought. How should I act?
The part about FAs leaving again after reconnecting helped me so much. Trying not to read too much into it, devastating. So close and yet so far 😔
My ex said she didn't think we could work thing out. Only 4 weeks later she's love reacting to a facebook post my made. This shit is ridiculous she won't detach in anyway.
I think m fearful avoidant in love with dismissive avoidant
I’m a dismissive avoidant that was in love with a fearful avoidant
I'm FA in love with a DA 😢
Its been 3 monrhs no contact, my ex hasnt reached out at all.
How long is phase 3?
Hi Charlie, my situation is that we broke up last may but we have been in contact since with some gaps in between. During January, I told her that i needed to stop this, that i am done and started no contact: I unfollowed her on instagram. Over the week, i saw that she blocked me on instagram and whatsapp with couple of days in between. Can you please tell me what did she made her block me if I just started no contact: meaning I was leaving her alone? fearful avoidant
My fearful viewed my story 3 weeks after no contact. Wondering what that means? Sounds like curiosity hit sooner than later she then posted a story 5 days later after haven’t not posting a story in months
Correct! There is often overlap with BPD and avoidant personality disorder but also just avoidant attachment styles in general. Not uncommon for people with BPD to have an avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment style
What if you chased for 5 months after the break up and then go no contact? Do the same stages still happen?
Yes
My ex and I ended things on a rocky note. He completely shut down and blocked me. It’s been almost a month now and I’ve been no contact and he texted me to bring me my things back a few days ago. When he came it was just socks and things he could’ve easily thrown away. He seemed happy to see me and even came in and we chatted for a bit then he left. I will continue no contact. I’m not sure what to make of it as he was so adamant on us never speaking again when he was angry but then seemed like he wanted to see me. He has made posts on his account about loving someone but letting them go.
I’m not sure if I should be hopeful at all.
I think it's okay to be hopeful, but it's almost important to not wait around for something that may never happen. When it comes to shutting down, it's usually done in the heat of the moment to have some feeling of control over a particular situation. As a result, they can sometimes say hurtful things and genuinely feel them, but after time passes and space is given, they can calm down and realize their overreactions and possibly even realize their feelings have changed/are different. I'd recommend taking things slow, see if he takes initiative to see you/interact more but stick to no contact if you're having issues with reaching out when you're anxious or triggered. It's ok to be in no contact but still respond when they reach out if it doesn't emotionally dysregulate you any more
@@healingwithcharlie I did end up meeting with him and he cried to me and said he missed me that I was truly amazing and he wishes we could start over but he thinks he’s caused too much damage so he did not regret the break up. I of course was moved by his emotions and had a hard time holding myself together which I think pushed him back to wanting to keep his distance in order not to hurt me. He reluctantly agreed to see me one last time today but I’ve decided that enough is enough and I’m tired of feeling like I’m chasing him so I blocked his number and I’m no longer wishing to speak to him unless it’s him showing he wants me in his life and he has changed. I have been way too available and willing throughout our entire relationship and it has taken a toll on my self respect. I expressed to him our attachment styles and since he’s in therapy now I told him to please mention it to his therapist. We dated for 5 years. I expressed my needs and he disregarded them or got defensive. He hid a lot from me/ disregarded my feelings and boundaries in secrecy and it triggered my anxious attachment so I wasn’t exactly happy or always trusting. He insisted I was the issue but I don’t think he really wasn’t planning on breaking up with me until I uncovered his secrets and we went through 2 months of arguments that lead to the break up. I insisted couples therapy. I expressed to him how we could work together but he was always ready to throw in the towel. He said he didn’t want to put the effort in. Lots of wonderful moments but mostly just push and pull.
Despite the things he did I still feel like there’s a good guy in there who just doesn’t know how to love properly and I wish he could just work on himself and come back to me as I am using this time to do the same but yeah I can’t keep my hopes up. Maybe he is not the one for me. He truly made me believe that he loved me at many moments in our relationship. He did confess that at a point in our relationship he felt he wanted to marry me but couldn’t because of the damage he had done and even when it ended I feel like he regretted hurting me and wished things were different. It’s a whirlwind of confusion for me and I’m tired of it all. I love him but I won’t chase him won’t wait on him to break contact if he moves on then he moves on I can’t handle the rejection any longer.
Guys m i fearful avoidant ... i brkup wen he dosent text or loose int... but i breakup even m in love
So what do you do, when the fear of abondonment/rejection recides and the feelings of love come to the surface again? Do you reach out or is the guilt/shame to much and you just continue to stay away?
I feel u ❤
It feels like you're on flames all the time whether you get together or you dont. There're only one way out. Heal yourself. Become the best version of yourself. You dont have another way out. Congratulations ! You've "been chosen" to do some great things in life 😊
what if the disorganized is the one who was dumped? do they feel more like anxious ppl?
i would like to know the answer to this too. I broke up with an FA ... how do they feel then?
No, they become avoidant. I'm an FA and was in a relationship with a DA. We both dumped each other basically at the same time. I felt relief and stress was lifted and free from their unspoken burdens. Then I became angry. Normally, I would be numbed out for months. I am healing and becoming secure, so I am able to process emotions more now. After 4 months, I am just now starting to miss him. But not enough to reach out. I actually never will reach out. I believe my ex needs to since, in my opinion, he ruined the relationship. He will need to change drastically if he ever wants me back. I am pretty much done processing everything in just 2 weeks. My anxious side came out when he was treating me badly. And then my avoidant side came through to protect me. I need to be with a secure person because I overcame so much just to set my mind to change and become secure. That decision alone that I made for myself is not worth being threatened by being with a toxic person who does not want to grow or change. I am seeking a healthy partner, and I don't regret a single thing. The breakup was for my own protection. And like I said, I'll never contact him again. I even changed my number because i don't want to hear from him. He reached out already a few times before I changed my number, but I basically cursed him because I only want to be with a healthy person. I'm not staying in a toxic cycle. If he changes, he can find me, and I'll listen. But that is all he will get unless he proves his love and commitment. My path of healing is more important than being loved by a broken man. Although I was once deeply broken, too. So in a way I do still love him deeply. But not enough to sacrifice myself.
@@mrskukoricakapitany2178Rejected and abandoned and they’d console themselves by saying that THEY dumped you and move either get back to an ex or search for someone else, just hooking up or looking up to a big trip or something.
My FA dumper is baiting me into liking her twitter posts by tailoring her posts to my tastes, our mutual interests, etc. Do I take the bait and like to instill confidence and encourage her to continue and amplify this behaviour? Or do I remain non-interactive? Feels like there is no clear option...
I wouldn’t recommend. I’d wait for something a tad more direct. It doesn’t need to be overtly obvious but a sign that she wants some form of clear interaction with you by reaching out to you directly first.
My ex bf is FA + BPD, now in a rebound assuming I gaveup on him . Im in pain.. But while he has the rebound , after I explained & went NC ,he reached out indirectly tru his friend & he personally to my work place too recently . But wont msg me yet. Then (after 3 mnths of NC ) I sent him a gift & few msgs this month for his bday, but he showed he read, but still didnt reply, say he got it or thanks even. Y is this? FA's here pls reply...
Whenever I tried to move on from him since 2023 he didnt let me even though we brokeup (got distanced ) few times, this time the same. But he wont communicate now, like stone walled / freezed. Im doing NC again to move on with pain, he is my love, my all. I need some guidance 😐
It’s really rough that he didn’t even respond to a thoughtful birthday gift. Sorry you’re going through this.
@@Kavilion 💔
10:30
11:37