Hey Thais, I love your channel, and thank you for putting these videos out so we can learn about our attachment styles! One person in the comments here said that they saw a lot of bashing on other attachment styles both here and other comment sections of content on your channel. They also said they found the negativity a bit triggering for them, as they are on the path to their healing journey. And I have to agree on both points. I have also witnessed bashing of other types, and I find it disheartening. I know we can't control what other people do or say, but the commenter I am writing about suggested maybe putting a disclaimer in your videos about this being a safe space, and to please keep comments respectful. What do you think? Again thank you for all that you are doing for us! I think you are very passionate and driven about what you are doing, and it shows! Oh! And I think the points you made in the video are spot on! At least for me anyway.
It's almost crazy to me to see or realize that there are other people out there that experience relationships like I do. I (before learning about attachment styles) actually thought that I was some kind of anomaly. I didn't see other people acting like I do in their relationship. Not that I want anyone else to have these experiences, or have the same types of wounds that I do. It's just nice to know that I'm not a defective human, just wounded.
Don’t quote me on this but I believe I saw a stat where it was estimated that fa is the rarest attachment style… cuz I always felt that way as well, until I heard that and I thought maybe that’s why also
Yes! This was SUCH an experience ... to learn that there are people all around the world - nice people, pretty people, intelligent people, cool and open people - that feel the world in a similar manner. I just thought about that today. And I am so grateful!
@@sammelina12 you’re correct! I went to an attachment styles lecture led by a neurosciences professor last year and learnt that FA (aka disorganised) are the rarest with only 5% of the population relating to FA characteristics. We’ve been through hells in our childhood and our parents and caregivers let us down countless times. I’m so grateful I’m dependent on and responsible for myself now that I’m an adult 😭 the hardest thing is learning that my little self was right all along, ‘Something is wrong’. We have a lifelong journey of healing but my it’s a beautiful one with all the things we get to experience as realisations 🥹 I’m sad for us all that these beautiful things weren’t taught to us as fundamentals but nobody, even secures, have perfect childhoods where they learnt every necessary and healthy fundamental to be a healthy, happy and adapted adult. Here’s to us! 🎉
100% spot on. Healed Fearful Avoidant here, and this is absolutely true. I also saw this in my FA ex. The part about the Needs once you become secure is also really important. I think healing can feel intimidating when we try and imitate people who grew up with a Secure Attachment style. Truth of the matter is though, we come with our own unique quirks and needs, but there is a lot of upsides to that as well!
This was so enlightening and validating as an FA who finally figured out why I've acted this way and committed to start working on all of it. I've found that I feel better limiting my exposure to large crowds that overwhelm and exhaust my hyper vigilance. I don't feel obligated to perform for people all the time & have cut out some relationships that were unhealthy. Thank you for all these videos!
Same here! Cut out a lot and limiting whom with and how much time I spend with. I thought it was still my avoidant side and take it as next step for me to learn how to feel relaxed even when in frequent contact with others. I guess that's going to be the boundary setting and asking for needs meeting works that I still feel like have so much to learn ahead of me :(
@LenkaSingh-gl2be yes, learning how to catch myself when I'm triggered, identify the need, and then be vulnerable enough to communicate it has been the biggest ongoing challenge for me. Proud of us for working through it all, though! 🩷
@breezy9387 I know! Even when I want to be vulnerable and decide to share it all it's almost like I open my mouth to say words that wouldn't make a sound 🎶 It's crazy. I am much better with most people now but the one I love and would be able to make so much difference in my life it's still like I have some giant block to overcome. It is very brave job tho and I am very proud of that work too. And very greatful to have found Thais 🩷🩷🩷
O.M.Goodness 😳…this describes a lot of my core wounds to a tee! Growing up, I was taught that love/affection was conditional in order to survive and beg for crumbs, I jammed my natural personality into an unhealthy high gear and became a hyper-vigilant people pleaser. I was taught that I had to be perfect or love would be taken away. I was responsible for regulating my Mom’s emotions and became the dumping ground for her bad emotions; yet I was never allowed to have a bad day (and I can’t have too much of a great day if she isn’t having a great day…yes, I’ve figured out she is a narcissist and I limit and control the time I spend around her now). I chronically felt unseen and unheard. If I “messed up” (i.e. wasn’t exactly perfect), I would beat myself up verbally and sometimes physically. My love language is physical touch and I was chronically bone dry in my love tank, but always trying as best as I could to be there for others. I need consistency for sure. I’m working on setting healthy boundaries (this is really difficult for me, but I’m getting there). And I realize that I don’t have to be perfect (this is still a little wobbly when I make a mistake). I am worth it and worthy of love and wish others would see that and act like it (some people do, but some don’t…because of their core wounds and/or their narcissistic traits). I’m still about 1/4 FA and 1/4 AA (I’ve really been working on becoming secure and am glad I’m about halfway there 🎉) It’s so nice to actually have others understand my core wounds and experiences and actions even though you don’t know me personally, I still feel seen in a broad sense since this was partially your experience too. ❤
Thank you for letting us FA's feel seen and heard. I've worked so hard on my healing, but there are days like yesterday where the comment section was filled with people talking about FA's in such an awful way. I understand they're hurt and likely not a healed attachment style themselves, but I watch these videos and participate in PDS webinars and courses to heal and it's still extremely triggering to see people be so uncaring about us...esp lumping us all into one catagory based on their individual experience. I see the same with DA videos. People just attacking avoidants. I wish there was a quick disclaimer at the beginning of your videos to remind everyone that this is a safe place for healing, not to treat people who are trying like crap. It makes me not even want to be on here.
some channels have pop-ups before you leave a comment that explicitly state that channel's rules which i wish pds would do along with actually moderating the comment section especially as this is essentially advertising for the paid portion which i've seen multiple people say they understandably aren't comfortable exploring because of how toxic the comments here can get
I used to think we should never censor people who are just sharing their views, but I wanted to comment on a conversation yesterday, but the way some of the people were treating FA's and being pretty mean and savage, I opted out for the most part. I hope PDS read through the comments and take it seriously. It's like some people get a thrill out of watching triggered responses of an attachment style because they were hurt by one. It's kinda sadistic.
Well said, thank you 🙏this really has to be addressed because the reason people are here is because they're looking for help and answers. Being nasty makes them go away and not get the help and info they need. There are jerks in this world and it has zero to do with att style but a lot to do with personal choices, and/or a disorder. Personally I've had painful experiences with both FA and DA and it's NOT because they're evil it's because they're scared and they don't know what they're doing, or their unconscious is screaming at them to get out and save their lives, (metaphorically).
Thank you for this video. I recently was broken up with by my fearful avoidant boyfriend. To say I was shocked and heartbroken would be an understatement. It was our second try. The same exact cycle happened again. I was supportive and knew he had core wounds, etc… He couldn’t do it. He said he was going to work on his “stuff”. He started and then he stopped. I really tried. I was willing to stick it out. He was happy and making plans to move in and then the next morning he came over and said he was living a facade this last week and he walked away. This has been one of the hardest, most painful breakups ever. I have compassion for him but I have to protect my heart now. This won’t happen again to me.
Omg. This is me exactly, except for a few things. I tell others my needs. I don’t expect them to read my mind, and I always speak up and set boundaries. I think it might come from how much importance I put on respect. If I feel disrespected, I automatically go into the fight mode. Plus, if I see someone else being disrespected, I speak up.
This is spot on, I can relate to every word. It felt so validating. However growing in narcissistic family system and after 2 narcissistic relationships (which at first I thought were only DAs), it is extremely hard to be any less hypervigilant, let alone trust again. Despite doing all the inner work and therapy.
I'm at that place now. He let's me communicate my anxieties as I continue to work on my Core Wounds and recondition my nervous system. I am learning slowly but gladly. I feel hopeful again.
@@AliValentine143 It is definitely very helpful to have someone with whom you can feel seen, heard and understood. I feel like it is not that easy to find though. I wish you all the best on your healing journey! 🙏
@@nickus51 DA and narc are opposites in their traits. DA's are fixable but NPD is not. Too many people are, metaphorically speaking, barking up the wrong tree. We are at a disadvantage if we don't know what we're dealing with. Narc mistreatment is way worse and it's better to get away asap
@@ashton1952 Not exactly true. We are not speaking about NPD (only 1-6% have it), but about narcissistic people (that is estimated around 15-20%), which posses enough narcissistic traits that are destructive for relationships. There are researches about the connection between narcissism and insecure attachments. They can have any attachment, depending on the type of narcissism. For instance, vulnerable are usually more anxious, grandiose can be either, neglectful are avoidant etc. There are also differences between overt narcissim, which can be seen from the get go and covert narcissim, which is usually very subtle and takes form of more passive agressive behaviour only later on. It is just as destructive, sometimes even more so because the other person already builds attachment. In all cases, the tipical cycle of idealization-devaluation-discard-and sometimes hoovering takes place. Check dr. Ramani's channel and her new book.
I just went through the most painful experience of my life - having a DA end things with me after I thought they were the love of my life and vice versa - and in my trying to understand them, I realized I’m not anxiously attached but I’m an FA. This has been such an eye opening and painful experience for me, but you have helped me navigate it when I couldn’t have done it alone. Thank you for your content. It’s life saving.
I relate so much. that's me as well. happened in 2021, went on for a bit. He's also a colleague which makes it way worse. Maybe we can find gratitude in this huge heartbreak for now getting to know ourselves. I always thought I was anxious attachment. Turns out, I got the most fun attachment style. And so do you. It can be a lot... but it gets better. It's really hard for me to give myself grace when I acted like a douche canoe all day and expect people to still love me. Crazy really. Sending you love
Definitely in it together! Mine is a coworker too. Broke up in November. But yes definitely an eye opening experience and having grace for ourselves feels hard at times but so important! Sending you the best
100% though I definitely can feel the core wound of unsafety and especially the hypervigilance around people. You give me a lot of hope, as I work on these issues they seem insurmountable because there are so many, so it means a lot to hear you say you became secure.
I wish I only wondered what its like :/ It blows Well. the parts where the subconscious mind fucks up your relationships and makes you think things that aren't correct and hurt peoples feelings does.
Thx you so much Thais, trying to understand my now ex lead me to your channel. I always thought I was AA however have come to understand more recently I always was FA, our dynamic just had me leaning to AA & he DA. It’s been confronting & a little comforting that all my attempts to understand him now are a mirror turned upon myself. All of my relationship have been challenged & I whilst I am feeling particularly defective at the moment being semi fresh out of a break up & with my own self discovery too.
The longest 2 friendships are were I questioned when someone flaked or weren’t there when I needed them. My mum always told me to not reproach anyone so resentment built with everyone else. However, I either teased with the question or asked gently why. It made our relationship stronger.
EARLY FA MOMENT :0 EARLY FAS JOIN MEEE also i relate to some points of this other points not, but the internal pressure hit hard 😅 im tryna communicate my needs in my new relationship but its scary. Im doin it tho, ive found ways to make myself improve my communication ❤
This is so me. Does fearful avoidant make you hyper-vigilant & deeply emotive/neglectful of own needs, or does being hyper-vigilant & deeply emotive/neglectful of own needs feel make you fearful avoidant? Or, more likely for me I think, the same root cause for both, ie. dysfunctional family upbringing in volatility & consequent lack of esteem?
Oh geez!! I know that I'm a healing FA but the enmeshment part I resonated deeply and didn't have a word for it at the time. I'm normally okay with myself but I went to a gathering with a group of friends and for some reason I felt like I was losing myself. My focus shifting to wanting to be seen, heard, and understood. I get incredibly triggered when I say something and no one is listening, speaking over me, or interrupting the things that I was saying. I felt like I didn't belong in that group and I was extremely overwhelmed. But as we all walked to a park in nature, I felt more like myself. How can I heal this part of myself and not be so enmeshed within group dynamics? Funnily though, I do find that in some groups I feel like I do belong
OMG, the last point about should I stay or should I go? Can you do a video about FAs experiencing this post breakup when reconnecting with an ex? I realized recently that I’ve avoided asking my ex what they want from our reconnection because I am not even sure what I want, because I keep flip-flopping in my head as to wanting to try again, thinking we’d be better off as friends or thinking I should just take a step back in order to move on.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thais, you always provide a rare combination of kindness and factual information in your videos. It's really appreciated.
Regarding the over-giving/under receiving thing. What if that dynamic is reversed? With our schedules, I was the one over giving to my FA ex. I did so much for her, and with her long hours overnight schedule, she really wasn't able to reciprocate for all the things I was doing for her. I had no idea of her attachment issues at the time, just curious if that dynamic is reversed, how will the FA react to being cared for so much while not being able to return the favor?
It happened to me for a time too. I'm healing FA so I handled it better but if I was straight FA it feels too vulnerable to receive so much, it causes self-imposed pressure on us that results in us doing the fault finding or shut down in our "unworthiness" core wounds. For me it got to a point where I HAD to express my gratitude, that man has my loyalty but also my silence as he is DA and as I healed I couldn't want the help over the connection. Help would've been easier to give if I felt like I was giving him something as valuable in return. He taught me to gratefully recieve, I'll always be to him.
@@AliValentine143 Thank you for sharing your perspective. Two weeks prior to her sabotaging us in the cruelest way imaginable, we were visiting my mom and other family/friends. A trip that was made as her request. During that trip we were planning things for the future, it couldn't have been a better weekend. At one point during that weekend she thanked me for all I was doing to take care of her, but you could tell that it was an uncomfortable thankfulness that she was expressing. I didn't think anything of it, I just told her that it made me happy to make her life just a little bit easier. Then two weeks later the sabotage came, and since I've found out about attachment theory just to put together the pieces of what happened. It's been quite the difficult learning experience, but it's lessened my anger towards her for what she did.
Personally, as an FA, I would love the connection but want to relate on equal terms, not feel emasculated (if a woman can feel that!) I fought for years for my independence and to ferl respected
How can we tell the difference between fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. I mean in real time because I've got someone at work I don't know if they just want to be left alone, or if they're pulling away but they want me to show I care. I don't want to show I care and then them be all overwhelmed. I've tried doing things like just smiling at them when I see them because I think that covers it. I mean that covers the DA being overwhelmed (I'm not speaking or being intrusive) and it covers FA because it makes them feel like they're included. But they were rude to me the other day and I did refuse to engage with them. I don't really know how to repair now. I don't know whether to ignore the whole situation and let them get on with it, or whether to approach them and speak with words hence the need to know whether they're FA or DA.
They could be FA leaning DA. That's what I Think I am. When I did the test it said FA and I definitely am. But in certain cases I behave more like a DA as I am very aware when I get anxious and Try to block that part of me away...so I get very avoidant instead. But much sooner than a DA would I melt and really want to try to get close and I express somehow to that person so they know I miss them. Then I try to express my feelings although propably very chaoticly as I really have got an issue about opening myself and saying exactly what I feel literally can't do it. With a DA I don't think they really want to open themselves to anyone and when they try they only try for the other person not really for themselves. Also as FA I seemed to feel the need to have heated conversations when I got upset sometimes. The DA always rather dissapear than talk about any issue at all. Even if it meant to not speaking for weeks/months. Then upon meeting would behave as no disagreement or issue there ever was and never got back to it. I (fA) would try to bring that up at some point and try to understand other persons point of view. DA just wants to forget it all.
It has been 6 months, FA absolutely doesnt want to enage at all. Only in Jan we bumped into each other, it was a 3 hr event, he came and said good bye. Then a full block. 2 weeks ago, i was unblocked on phone but whatsapp still blocked. Texted FA but got no reply. What does this mean?
@@letsgooooooo111 I m really concern to be classified as stalking if I show up to his house. Would love to, but might back fire. I don't know how to approach this. He did say no more contact.
IDK why over giving would be a thing for us. I'm so busy freaking out and falling apart while I'm in a relationship that I feel like I have nothing to give. If anything I feel like I'm sucking the life out of my partner like a bottomless black hole.
Thais, what help, therapy, guidance did you seek and get to heal your FA and get securely attached, please? Was that you only issue, or did you also have diagnoses?
URGENT HELP NEEDED PLEASE: How long should no contact wirh an FA be? Wanted to contact her after 21 days as this was recommended on this different channel but not sure, do. not want to miss her nostalgia window! details below in short short format My FA ex „girlfriend“(dated since September 2023, but was actually like relationship after some time) decided to discard me pretty much after we had 4 weeks that were not that nice. Due to her extreme reactions to minor things (from secure standpoint of myself, taking like 4,5min when on a trip to go to the toilet at s restaurant, or considering I have everything before leaving the house, 1 time not hearing my alarm hence sleeping in and not picking her up so she had to take the bus for 20min for a carneval celebration in the morning that was all day n evening, etc.) I totally lost myself those last weeks and tried to only act in ways not annoying her, however finally realized when I got sick on a weekend. Reduced comminication to good morning and good night for 3 days, however realizing only at that point she already pulled back 4-6 weeks ago snd continued on. After she had a total freak out out of nowhere with insulting me, did not speak to her again.
That soesn't sound particularly FA to me. They are usually very understanding and forgiving and accepting of flaws. Sounds more like a spectrum issue to me.
Have they told you they are FA? Or are you thinking they are? If they don't have any idea about FA or attachment style, I would ask them first if they have ever heard of attachment theory before and if they know their attachment style... reason why is because you have learned yours and its been very helpful for XYZ reasons, and ask if they are interested in knowing theirs. In my opinion just sending someone a video on what you think they need can be like unsolicited advice. But if they know they are FA than I don't see why you couldn't share it with them.
I found it very liberating to find out about attachment styles. It explained so much to me and I think if someone interduced that to me I would see it as a very caring and intimate act as I would feel deeply seen and special that the person even took that much thought about my inner world. I would certainly appreciate the effort 👌
Hyper Vigilance - Big Empathy because of Childhood Traumas. Suppressing your own needs and emotions, because of the FA/ AP caregiver, who is emotionally unstable. Your brain always tends to calculate other people's behavior, even if doing nothing wrong, just you can't be hurt again. By searching this core in the Future u can't leave the Moment, and open your heart, because you take someone's shittti behavior or reaction, actions for your own fault. Don't take people's uninspected action personally. If they can explain to you, why do they react in that manner to you - that's their fault. Don't take people, who can't show their love, support, or understanding as a Role Model. Use Jesus Christ as a Role Model. Trust me. Having all unhealthy attachment styles - only God through Jesus can fuel your empties inside. God bless you all 🙏🏻
The traits he has could be of a different attachment style maybe? Dismissive avoid conflict and shut down emotionally when people get too much, like with criticizing and yelling etc. Also don't like being micromanaged and controlled, they may pull away from someone who does these things.
@@ashton1952 Well… in our first 10 years of marriage he told me he hated when I said “I love you” because he knew I expected him to say it back and he hated to be forced to say “I love you.” I said that I would no longer say it, but would let him say it first, and he said that was a good idea. We didn’t say “I love you” to each other for about 20 years. So… what would you call that? Yes… call me stupid… but for his attachment style… what would you call it?
Yes, our attachment styles change with our different experiences - so it might start in childhood and either continue that pattern in our different relationships and/or we adapt to the new wounds we get along the way. And if we haven’t healed our childhood core wounds, the new wounds will create another set of wounds (bruises on bruises). So yes, absolutely that can affect your style. And, I’m sorry that happened to you. That is a devastating betrayal. I hope you’re healing.
Yes, though Attachment Style forms between newborn to 7, we can begin to lean a particular way in response to a hurtful relationship or traumatic experience. Betrayal Trauma can cause anxious-avoidant tendencies because of abandonment core wounds or worthlessness is triggered.
unfortunately Thais doesn't do one on ones at this point. Her courses and 3 live webinars she hosts each week are dedicated to helping people heal and answering their questions. Feel free to try PDS out on a 14 day free trial and you can ask her a question during a Q&A. university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/14day-free-trial Conversely, there are 4 in house coaches that Thais has trained personally that you can work one on one with. You can book a session or a free intro call with any of them right here: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/attachment-coaching
I know you mentioned you do coaching sessions. I don’t personally need coaching but I was wondering if I could book a session with you to describe my previous situation with an experienced coach. Is there a link to book a session with you?@thais Gibson
Fearful Avoidants! Did you find this accurate? Would you add anything to this? Please share in the comments :)
Hey Thais, I love your channel, and thank you for putting these videos out so we can learn about our attachment styles!
One person in the comments here said that they saw a lot of bashing on other attachment styles both here and other comment sections of content on your channel. They also said they found the negativity a bit triggering for them, as they are on the path to their healing journey.
And I have to agree on both points. I have also witnessed bashing of other types, and I find it disheartening.
I know we can't control what other people do or say, but the commenter I am writing about suggested maybe putting a disclaimer in your videos about this being a safe space, and to please keep comments respectful. What do you think?
Again thank you for all that you are doing for us! I think you are very passionate and driven about what you are doing, and it shows!
Oh! And I think the points you made in the video are spot on! At least for me anyway.
@@bcrwarlock1974thank you ❤
This is me full on....😢
Ugh... that's me to the teeth (except for the fact I did not have the need to leave the relationship, though, as part of the flip-flopping)...
Accurate. As I’ve healed I’ve become more secure but that FA default mode is still there I’m just able to override it most of the time now
It's almost crazy to me to see or realize that there are other people out there that experience relationships like I do. I (before learning about attachment styles) actually thought that I was some kind of anomaly. I didn't see other people acting like I do in their relationship. Not that I want anyone else to have these experiences, or have the same types of wounds that I do. It's just nice to know that I'm not a defective human, just wounded.
So did I! I admired my SA and AP friends but I didn't know how to get to that place. Now I am and it's difficult and empowering.
Don’t quote me on this but I believe I saw a stat where it was estimated that fa is the rarest attachment style… cuz I always felt that way as well, until I heard that and I thought maybe that’s why also
Yes! This was SUCH an experience ... to learn that there are people all around the world - nice people, pretty people, intelligent people, cool and open people - that feel the world in a similar manner. I just thought about that today. And I am so grateful!
❤I’m right there with you!!! We aren’t defective! We are just us!
@@sammelina12 you’re correct! I went to an attachment styles lecture led by a neurosciences professor last year and learnt that FA (aka disorganised) are the rarest with only 5% of the population relating to FA characteristics.
We’ve been through hells in our childhood and our parents and caregivers let us down countless times. I’m so grateful I’m dependent on and responsible for myself now that I’m an adult 😭 the hardest thing is learning that my little self was right all along, ‘Something is wrong’.
We have a lifelong journey of healing but my it’s a beautiful one with all the things we get to experience as realisations 🥹 I’m sad for us all that these beautiful things weren’t taught to us as fundamentals but nobody, even secures, have perfect childhoods where they learnt every necessary and healthy fundamental to be a healthy, happy and adapted adult.
Here’s to us! 🎉
It’s interesting to know the needs don’t really change once you become secure.
I have a friend with this attachment style. She's a great girl, but so got and cold all the time. She's a whirlwind of emotions to say the least.
Wow that's interesting so hear how other people view us. Thanks for that
Hypervigilance isn't paranoia like some people think, it's Extra Perceptiveness. We definitely notice nuance/subtlety.
I sadly feel like this only applies to the negative. Maybe it does to the positive
100% spot on. Healed Fearful Avoidant here, and this is absolutely true. I also saw this in my FA ex. The part about the Needs once you become secure is also really important. I think healing can feel intimidating when we try and imitate people who grew up with a Secure Attachment style. Truth of the matter is though, we come with our own unique quirks and needs, but there is a lot of upsides to that as well!
This was so enlightening and validating as an FA who finally figured out why I've acted this way and committed to start working on all of it. I've found that I feel better limiting my exposure to large crowds that overwhelm and exhaust my hyper vigilance. I don't feel obligated to perform for people all the time & have cut out some relationships that were unhealthy. Thank you for all these videos!
You're very welcome!
Same here! Cut out a lot and limiting whom with and how much time I spend with. I thought it was still my avoidant side and take it as next step for me to learn how to feel relaxed even when in frequent contact with others. I guess that's going to be the boundary setting and asking for needs meeting works that I still feel like have so much to learn ahead of me :(
@LenkaSingh-gl2be yes, learning how to catch myself when I'm triggered, identify the need, and then be vulnerable enough to communicate it has been the biggest ongoing challenge for me. Proud of us for working through it all, though! 🩷
@breezy9387 I know! Even when I want to be vulnerable and decide to share it all it's almost like I open my mouth to say words that wouldn't make a sound 🎶 It's crazy. I am much better with most people now but the one I love and would be able to make so much difference in my life it's still like I have some giant block to overcome. It is very brave job tho and I am very proud of that work too. And very greatful to have found Thais 🩷🩷🩷
O.M.Goodness 😳…this describes a lot of my core wounds to a tee! Growing up, I was taught that love/affection was conditional in order to survive and beg for crumbs, I jammed my natural personality into an unhealthy high gear and became a hyper-vigilant people pleaser. I was taught that I had to be perfect or love would be taken away. I was responsible for regulating my Mom’s emotions and became the dumping ground for her bad emotions; yet I was never allowed to have a bad day (and I can’t have too much of a great day if she isn’t having a great day…yes, I’ve figured out she is a narcissist and I limit and control the time I spend around her now). I chronically felt unseen and unheard. If I “messed up” (i.e. wasn’t exactly perfect), I would beat myself up verbally and sometimes physically. My love language is physical touch and I was chronically bone dry in my love tank, but always trying as best as I could to be there for others. I need consistency for sure. I’m working on setting healthy boundaries (this is really difficult for me, but I’m getting there). And I realize that I don’t have to be perfect (this is still a little wobbly when I make a mistake). I am worth it and worthy of love and wish others would see that and act like it (some people do, but some don’t…because of their core wounds and/or their narcissistic traits). I’m still about 1/4 FA and 1/4 AA (I’ve really been working on becoming secure and am glad I’m about halfway there 🎉) It’s so nice to actually have others understand my core wounds and experiences and actions even though you don’t know me personally, I still feel seen in a broad sense since this was partially your experience too. ❤
Thank you for letting us FA's feel seen and heard. I've worked so hard on my healing, but there are days like yesterday where the comment section was filled with people talking about FA's in such an awful way.
I understand they're hurt and likely not a healed attachment style themselves, but I watch these videos and participate in PDS webinars and courses to heal and it's still extremely triggering to see people be so uncaring about us...esp lumping us all into one catagory based on their individual experience. I see the same with DA videos. People just attacking avoidants. I wish there was a quick disclaimer at the beginning of your videos to remind everyone that this is a safe place for healing, not to treat people who are trying like crap. It makes me not even want to be on here.
I agree, and I think the disclaimer is a good idea. Or maybe at the end of a video. Both?
some channels have pop-ups before you leave a comment that explicitly state that channel's rules which i wish pds would do along with actually moderating the comment section especially as this is essentially advertising for the paid portion which i've seen multiple people say they understandably aren't comfortable exploring because of how toxic the comments here can get
I used to think we should never censor people who are just sharing their views, but I wanted to comment on a conversation yesterday, but the way some of the people were treating FA's and being pretty mean and savage, I opted out for the most part. I hope PDS read through the comments and take it seriously. It's like some people get a thrill out of watching triggered responses of an attachment style because they were hurt by one. It's kinda sadistic.
Well said, thank you 🙏this really has to be addressed because the reason people are here is because they're looking for help and answers. Being nasty makes them go away and not get the help and info they need. There are jerks in this world and it has zero to do with att style but a lot to do with personal choices, and/or a disorder. Personally I've had painful experiences with both FA and DA and it's NOT because they're evil it's because they're scared and they don't know what they're doing, or their unconscious is screaming at them to get out and save their lives, (metaphorically).
Insecure attachment is not the determiner of NPD; NPD is an additional situation and people seem to be not getting that.
Can we get a video on what it feels like to be around a fearful avoidant?
Thank you for this video. I recently was broken up with by my fearful avoidant boyfriend. To say I was shocked and heartbroken would be an understatement. It was our second try. The same exact cycle happened again. I was supportive and knew he had core wounds, etc… He couldn’t do it. He said he was going to work on his “stuff”. He started and then he stopped. I really tried. I was willing to stick it out. He was happy and making plans to move in and then the next morning he came over and said he was living a facade this last week and he walked away. This has been one of the hardest, most painful breakups ever. I have compassion for him but I have to protect my heart now. This won’t happen again to me.
Omg. This is me exactly, except for a few things. I tell others my needs. I don’t expect them to read my mind, and I always speak up and set boundaries. I think it might come from how much importance I put on respect. If I feel disrespected, I automatically go into the fight mode. Plus, if I see someone else being disrespected, I speak up.
This is spot on, I can relate to every word. It felt so validating. However growing in narcissistic family system and after 2 narcissistic relationships (which at first I thought were only DAs), it is extremely hard to be any less hypervigilant, let alone trust again. Despite doing all the inner work and therapy.
I'm at that place now. He let's me communicate my anxieties as I continue to work on my Core Wounds and recondition my nervous system. I am learning slowly but gladly. I feel hopeful again.
@@AliValentine143 It is definitely very helpful to have someone with whom you can feel seen, heard and understood. I feel like it is not that easy to find though.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey! 🙏
@@nickus51 DA and narc are opposites in their traits. DA's are fixable but NPD is not. Too many people are, metaphorically speaking, barking up the wrong tree. We are at a disadvantage if we don't know what we're dealing with. Narc mistreatment is way worse and it's better to get away asap
@@ashton1952 Not exactly true. We are not speaking about NPD (only 1-6% have it), but about narcissistic people (that is estimated around 15-20%), which posses enough narcissistic traits that are destructive for relationships. There are researches about the connection between narcissism and insecure attachments. They can have any attachment, depending on the type of narcissism. For instance, vulnerable are usually more anxious, grandiose can be either, neglectful are avoidant etc. There are also differences between overt narcissim, which can be seen from the get go and covert narcissim, which is usually very subtle and takes form of more passive agressive behaviour only later on. It is just as destructive, sometimes even more so because the other person already builds attachment. In all cases, the tipical cycle of idealization-devaluation-discard-and sometimes hoovering takes place.
Check dr. Ramani's channel and her new book.
I just went through the most painful experience of my life - having a DA end things with me after I thought they were the love of my life and vice versa - and in my trying to understand them, I realized I’m not anxiously attached but I’m an FA. This has been such an eye opening and painful experience for me, but you have helped me navigate it when I couldn’t have done it alone. Thank you for your content. It’s life saving.
I relate so much. that's me as well. happened in 2021, went on for a bit. He's also a colleague which makes it way worse. Maybe we can find gratitude in this huge heartbreak for now getting to know ourselves. I always thought I was anxious attachment. Turns out, I got the most fun attachment style. And so do you. It can be a lot... but it gets better. It's really hard for me to give myself grace when I acted like a douche canoe all day and expect people to still love me. Crazy really. Sending you love
Definitely in it together! Mine is a coworker too. Broke up in November. But yes definitely an eye opening experience and having grace for ourselves feels hard at times but so important! Sending you the best
It‘s just good to not feel like I‘m „wrong“ or a failure in any way. It‘s just how we grew up. sending you the very best right back
100% though I definitely can feel the core wound of unsafety and especially the hypervigilance around people. You give me a lot of hope, as I work on these issues they seem insurmountable because there are so many, so it means a lot to hear you say you became secure.
I wish I only wondered what its like :/ It blows
Well. the parts where the subconscious mind fucks up your relationships and makes you think things that aren't correct and hurt peoples feelings does.
Can’t believe on how you nailed number 5. Wow.
Thx you so much Thais, trying to understand my now ex lead me to your channel. I always thought I was AA however have come to understand more recently I always was FA, our dynamic just had me leaning to AA & he DA. It’s been confronting & a little comforting that all my attempts to understand him now are a mirror turned upon myself.
All of my relationship have been challenged & I whilst I am feeling particularly defective at the moment being semi fresh out of a break up & with my own self discovery too.
The longest 2 friendships are were I questioned when someone flaked or weren’t there when I needed them. My mum always told me to not reproach anyone so resentment built with everyone else. However, I either teased with the question or asked gently why. It made our relationship stronger.
Alright, I'm definitely a Katy Perry's "Hot & Cold" inspiration
EARLY FA MOMENT :0 EARLY FAS JOIN MEEE also i relate to some points of this other points not, but the internal pressure hit hard 😅 im tryna communicate my needs in my new relationship but its scary. Im doin it tho, ive found ways to make myself improve my communication ❤
Me to a tee. Thank you for really diving into this.
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This is so me. Does fearful avoidant make you hyper-vigilant & deeply emotive/neglectful of own needs, or does being hyper-vigilant & deeply emotive/neglectful of own needs feel make you fearful avoidant? Or, more likely for me I think, the same root cause for both, ie. dysfunctional family upbringing in volatility & consequent lack of esteem?
Love all of your videos❤
So happy to hear that! ❤
Oh geez!! I know that I'm a healing FA but the enmeshment part I resonated deeply and didn't have a word for it at the time. I'm normally okay with myself but I went to a gathering with a group of friends and for some reason I felt like I was losing myself. My focus shifting to wanting to be seen, heard, and understood. I get incredibly triggered when I say something and no one is listening, speaking over me, or interrupting the things that I was saying. I felt like I didn't belong in that group and I was extremely overwhelmed. But as we all walked to a park in nature, I felt more like myself. How can I heal this part of myself and not be so enmeshed within group dynamics? Funnily though, I do find that in some groups I feel like I do belong
Very accurate ❤
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Spot on
OMG, the last point about should I stay or should I go? Can you do a video about FAs experiencing this post breakup when reconnecting with an ex? I realized recently that I’ve avoided asking my ex what they want from our reconnection because I am not even sure what I want, because I keep flip-flopping in my head as to wanting to try again, thinking we’d be better off as friends or thinking I should just take a step back in order to move on.
Thanks!
Thank you so much Norman!! ❤❤❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thais, you always provide a rare combination of kindness and factual information in your videos. It's really appreciated.
Let them heal themselves....
This is the worst attachment to ever have. It’s hard for anyone to understand, but that’s all we really want.
Regarding the over-giving/under receiving thing. What if that dynamic is reversed? With our schedules, I was the one over giving to my FA ex. I did so much for her, and with her long hours overnight schedule, she really wasn't able to reciprocate for all the things I was doing for her. I had no idea of her attachment issues at the time, just curious if that dynamic is reversed, how will the FA react to being cared for so much while not being able to return the favor?
It feels as if it's too much for them.
It happened to me for a time too. I'm healing FA so I handled it better but if I was straight FA it feels too vulnerable to receive so much, it causes self-imposed pressure on us that results in us doing the fault finding or shut down in our "unworthiness" core wounds. For me it got to a point where I HAD to express my gratitude, that man has my loyalty but also my silence as he is DA and as I healed I couldn't want the help over the connection. Help would've been easier to give if I felt like I was giving him something as valuable in return. He taught me to gratefully recieve, I'll always be to him.
@@AliValentine143 Thank you for sharing your perspective. Two weeks prior to her sabotaging us in the cruelest way imaginable, we were visiting my mom and other family/friends. A trip that was made as her request. During that trip we were planning things for the future, it couldn't have been a better weekend. At one point during that weekend she thanked me for all I was doing to take care of her, but you could tell that it was an uncomfortable thankfulness that she was expressing. I didn't think anything of it, I just told her that it made me happy to make her life just a little bit easier. Then two weeks later the sabotage came, and since I've found out about attachment theory just to put together the pieces of what happened. It's been quite the difficult learning experience, but it's lessened my anger towards her for what she did.
Personally, as an FA, I would love the connection but want to relate on equal terms, not feel emasculated (if a woman can feel that!)
I fought for years for my independence and to ferl respected
...and would hate to feel treated as helpless or a child again.
How can we tell the difference between fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. I mean in real time because I've got someone at work I don't know if they just want to be left alone, or if they're pulling away but they want me to show I care. I don't want to show I care and then them be all overwhelmed. I've tried doing things like just smiling at them when I see them because I think that covers it. I mean that covers the DA being overwhelmed (I'm not speaking or being intrusive) and it covers FA because it makes them feel like they're included. But they were rude to me the other day and I did refuse to engage with them. I don't really know how to repair now. I don't know whether to ignore the whole situation and let them get on with it, or whether to approach them and speak with words hence the need to know whether they're FA or DA.
Still not 100% after all this time and watching multiple videos if they are a DA or an FA or even if I am more FA than I thought.
I'm FA but lean dismissive, you can fit both in different relationships.
There are free online attachment style tests that you can take and you will know about yourself.
Definitely have done them already and have been doing PDS for 6 months now and have had coaching. A quiz only gives an overview unfortunately.
They could be FA leaning DA. That's what I Think I am. When I did the test it said FA and I definitely am. But in certain cases I behave more like a DA as I am very aware when I get anxious and Try to block that part of me away...so I get very avoidant instead. But much sooner than a DA would I melt and really want to try to get close and I express somehow to that person so they know I miss them. Then I try to express my feelings although propably very chaoticly as I really have got an issue about opening myself and saying exactly what I feel literally can't do it. With a DA I don't think they really want to open themselves to anyone and when they try they only try for the other person not really for themselves. Also as FA I seemed to feel the need to have heated conversations when I got upset sometimes. The DA always rather dissapear than talk about any issue at all. Even if it meant to not speaking for weeks/months. Then upon meeting would behave as no disagreement or issue there ever was and never got back to it. I (fA) would try to bring that up at some point and try to understand other persons point of view. DA just wants to forget it all.
Sounds like you are both FA.
It has been 6 months, FA absolutely doesnt want to enage at all. Only in Jan we bumped into each other, it was a 3 hr event, he came and said good bye. Then a full block. 2 weeks ago, i was unblocked on phone but whatsapp still blocked. Texted FA but got no reply.
What does this mean?
He's not interested?
It means leave the FA alone or show up to their house. If you committed any betrayal then it may not be worth your time to try and get them back
@@letsgooooooo111 I m really concern to be classified as stalking if I show up to his house. Would love to, but might back fire. I don't know how to approach this. He did say no more contact.
IDK why over giving would be a thing for us. I'm so busy freaking out and falling apart while I'm in a relationship that I feel like I have nothing to give. If anything I feel like I'm sucking the life out of my partner like a bottomless black hole.
Thais, what help, therapy, guidance did you seek and get to heal your FA and get securely attached, please? Was that you only issue, or did you also have diagnoses?
URGENT HELP NEEDED PLEASE:
How long should no contact wirh an FA be? Wanted to contact her after 21 days as this was recommended on this different channel but not sure, do. not want to miss her nostalgia window!
details below in short short format
My FA ex „girlfriend“(dated since September 2023, but was actually like relationship after some time) decided to discard me pretty much after we had 4 weeks that were not that nice. Due to her extreme reactions to minor things (from secure standpoint of myself, taking like 4,5min when on a trip to go to the toilet at s restaurant, or considering I have everything before leaving the house, 1 time not hearing my alarm hence sleeping in and not picking her up so she had to take the bus for 20min for a carneval celebration in the morning that was all day n evening, etc.) I totally lost myself those last weeks and tried to only act in ways not annoying her, however finally realized when I got sick on a weekend. Reduced comminication to good morning and good night for 3 days, however realizing only at that point she already pulled back 4-6 weeks ago snd continued on.
After she had a total freak out out of nowhere with insulting me, did not speak to her again.
That soesn't sound particularly FA to me. They are usually very understanding and forgiving and accepting of flaws.
Sounds more like a spectrum issue to me.
Would it be safe to share this with a FA
Have they told you they are FA? Or are you thinking they are? If they don't have any idea about FA or attachment style, I would ask them first if they have ever heard of attachment theory before and if they know their attachment style... reason why is because you have learned yours and its been very helpful for XYZ reasons, and ask if they are interested in knowing theirs.
In my opinion just sending someone a video on what you think they need can be like unsolicited advice. But if they know they are FA than I don't see why you couldn't share it with them.
I found it very liberating to find out about attachment styles. It explained so much to me and I think if someone interduced that to me I would see it as a very caring and intimate act as I would feel deeply seen and special that the person even took that much thought about my inner world. I would certainly appreciate the effort 👌
Hyper Vigilance - Big Empathy because of Childhood Traumas. Suppressing your own needs and emotions, because of the FA/ AP caregiver, who is emotionally unstable. Your brain always tends to calculate other people's behavior, even if doing nothing wrong, just you can't be hurt again. By searching this core in the Future u can't leave the Moment, and open your heart, because you take someone's shittti behavior or reaction, actions for your own fault. Don't take people's uninspected action personally. If they can explain to you, why do they react in that manner to you - that's their fault. Don't take people, who can't show their love, support, or understanding as a Role Model. Use Jesus Christ as a Role Model. Trust me. Having all unhealthy attachment styles - only God through Jesus can fuel your empties inside. God bless you all 🙏🏻
This does not describe my avoidant husband at all. Maybe it’s because he’s a man? Maybe it’s because he’s dismissive rather than fearful avoidant?
The traits he has could be of a different attachment style maybe? Dismissive avoid conflict and shut down emotionally when people get too much, like with criticizing and yelling etc. Also don't like being micromanaged and controlled, they may pull away from someone who does these things.
@@ashton1952 Well… in our first 10 years of marriage he told me he hated when I said “I love you” because he knew I expected him to say it back and he hated to be forced to say “I love you.” I said that I would no longer say it, but would let him say it first, and he said that was a good idea. We didn’t say “I love you” to each other for about 20 years. So… what would you call that?
Yes… call me stupid… but for his attachment style… what would you call it?
You’re watching the wrong video. This video is for fearful avoidant, not dismissive avoidant. Your husband sounds like he was/is dismissive avoidant.
I'm such an FFA it's not even funny!!
FA is so similar to BPD.
Omg this is me
Can someone become a FA by ha ing been cheated on in a past marriage, or can it only come from childhood?
I’ve wondered this too, I think I was more anxious leaning but since the rejection and trauma of being cheated on swing to the more avoidant end.
Yes, I think so!!!
Yes, our attachment styles change with our different experiences - so it might start in childhood and either continue that pattern in our different relationships and/or we adapt to the new wounds we get along the way. And if we haven’t healed our childhood core wounds, the new wounds will create another set of wounds (bruises on bruises). So yes, absolutely that can affect your style. And, I’m sorry that happened to you. That is a devastating betrayal. I hope you’re healing.
Yes, though Attachment Style forms between newborn to 7, we can begin to lean a particular way in response to a hurtful relationship or traumatic experience. Betrayal Trauma can cause anxious-avoidant tendencies because of abandonment core wounds or worthlessness is triggered.
Omg this is so sad.
Any way to speak to this lovely lady?
I was thinking the same thing
She does live webinars 3 times a week in her school. You might also be able to email her, the address would likely be at the school's website.
unfortunately Thais doesn't do one on ones at this point. Her courses and 3 live webinars she hosts each week are dedicated to helping people heal and answering their questions. Feel free to try PDS out on a 14 day free trial and you can ask her a question during a Q&A.
university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/14day-free-trial
Conversely, there are 4 in house coaches that Thais has trained personally that you can work one on one with. You can book a session or a free intro call with any of them right here:
university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/attachment-coaching
❤️
You're beautiful.
I love your power.
You're amazing ❤️
I wish you an awesome day.
Security is your strong suit 💪 😉
🙏🤍💫
Loved it!
What is the link to the fully free course?
I looked below but couldn’t figure out which one?😬
Thanks🙏
I know you mentioned you do coaching sessions. I don’t personally need coaching but I was wondering if I could book a session with you to describe my previous situation with an experienced coach. Is there a link to book a session with you?@thais Gibson