damnit...now i understand why i'm messed up my best relationship was with the Marine Corps it was physical and intellectual...i felt nothing i didn't get a tattoo...only an Honorable Discharge i think i may be a monster....or worse had to see a pShrink...it was a court order he was showing me those ink blob images they looked like bugs until he pulled out a colorful one i was thinking i better come up with better answers so i was like, "it's a beautiful butterfly..." he shot back, "BOVINE SCAT! YOU SEE BLOOD!"
I love, how you used '' '' for the word- relationship! So perfectly telling and really illustrated well, how avoid ants see relationships and their importance for them and such.. Indeed, a ''relationship'''......not a relationship, but a ''relationship'' , there is definitely a difference and anyone who has dealt extensively with an avoidant, will understand this.
I was and will never again go down this path Thais. I'm a SA based on your quiz 88%. It was the most difficult and triggering relationship I ever had in my life. I promise myself never to repeat this painful lesson.
It took my DA partner and me (FA) 8 years and a whole bunch of attachment style theory, before we finally changed our situationship into a romantic relationship. 9 years together and counting. We are not living together, but we see each other several times a week and recently agreed on he staying the night two times a week. We rarely call each other but find joy in exchanging mails. If I feel the need, my partner is okay with me calling him. Recently, I was being faced with something heavy, and I called my partner and he offered his support by staying at my place for 14 days in a row. After that, he admitted that he has grown fond of staying the night and having breakfast together, and I told him that he is the first person with whom I get to experience this family life. He supports me in practicing expressing my needs and learning to set healthy boundaries, and I support him in growing more flexible and have a better capacity of dealing with emotions. The change that's taking place in both of us, is a beautiful and intense happening. ❤️✨️
That’s nice that you are able to work it out with him and you’re still going and recognize both ways of learning, acceptance and love. I think it’s great. Good for you.
Impossible being in a relationship with someone that can't communicate or refuses to. My most recent ex just pulled away from me and would hardly ever tell me what was wrong or what was bothering them, then proceeded to tell me that she felt like she "couldn't tell me" about the things that were bothering her. She never even gave me the opportunity to address these things that were corroding away our intimacy until it was already too late. She was more comfortable allowing her resentment to build up over months or maybe even years than she was with being vulnerable upfront and honest with me about her wants, needs, and feelings. I know she feels guilty, and frankly, she should. "I should have said something sooner". You're damn right you should have said something sooner. I never wanted this. And if I would have known that I was giving my heart to someone that was uncommitted to conflict-resolution, and uncommitted to resentment management, then I never would have allowed myself to love her at all. What an absolute waste.
If you try to understand her, "when" she calls you, bc eventually, she more than likely will, as long as you let her go for now.. It is possible to fix everything with the tools this lady teaches. I know, bc I did it. It doesn't happen fast, but as long as you empathize and don't criticize and learn wht these videos teach and as long as you have the patience that you could only have if you truly love her, then the relationship can be saved. Work on yourself while you work on learning how to understand her "needs" in the meantime. She will notice the difference if you do the work. A year and a half after our break up, and we are now closer than ever. I've known her for over 20 years, and after learning what is taught here, we are financially engaged after only a year and a half later of knowing these lessons.
You have to keep needle moving forward, though, if only just a little bit, and it does take both of you. But it truly helps when you understand "why" they do the things they do. Why did they the things they did and how you could have unknowingly made it worse. When they pull back, you pull back. Best advice to start with.
My ex pretended to be warm and loving. Pretended to desire a real relationship but he couldn't stay when it got a bit rocky. He couldn't do it but he certainly wanted sex. I didnt give it to him. Why should i have sex without commitment?
I feel like it’s responsibility that dismissive avoidants avoid. They can be vulnerable but they can’t be relied on at all. The one I talked to doesn’t even like to answer calls. I had a flat tire and he was absent. It’s not for me.
This. Literally flat out ignored texts regarding my emotional state (shared I was feeling deflated about an awkward, rocky networking attempt) but answered right away a following text about a more business thing (that was relevant to them). I guess I just need to finally accept after five years I just can't do this; my needs aren't being met (and this is just a friendship, ffs). It's so heatbreaking.
@@Shutzie27 I completely understand. It’s hard because the connection can be strong, fun, etc. maybe a good friendship but not anything more serious than that. They go missing when it really counts most of the time and that’s too important to neglect.
We have to heal the wounds within ourselves so we don't repeat the same dating patterns. There's a reason behind why we're attracted to who we're attracted to. Dismissive avoidants don't always know how to handle stressful situations or want to talk on the phone and I can relate. They have their own inner turmoil to live with daily and to bring in a whole other person's emotions is hard. I dated a DA who once said "I can barely handle my own emotions nevermind somebody else's." I wasn't mad or resentful for that statement. It's just the truth. I joined PDS to learn to handle my own stuff and not rely on others for that. Personally I love dating DA's because I understand them, but it's not for everyone. That doesn't make them bad or any worse than any other attachment style, it's just not the relationship for you. Like I know I am incompatible with AP's so I won't date them. Unhealed traits show up pretty fast once you're healed enough to recognize them. I just leave after a few months instead of trying to make it work with a person who doesn't share my love language.
It's difficult, because as the saying goes "we cannot give to others, what we do not possess ourselves". Since avoidants experience a lack of self-compassion, it is difficult for them to practice expressing compassion. Since avoidants cope through solitude in pain, they subconsciously assume others do/should as well. It's when the ice around the avoidant's heart thaws and they feel safe to share their vulnerability with you; their doubts, fears, regret, tears; then they will also become empowered through learned experience to reciprocate for you. Until then, if you cannot create and empathic, judgement-free and pressure-free zone for them to come out of their shell, it is really a struggle to feel there is enough reciprocation and mutuality of emotional needs. I can however attest that it is possible to grow in this together. My DA never deactivates around me anymore, because he feels safe and trusts me with both his positive and negative experiences. He might shut out the world, but he actively shares with me. In turn, he's also supportive and there for me when I am in need of support.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life I’m a fearful avoidant so I definitely get why they act the way they do. We took turns doing a lot of the same things. I think I understand him more than most. That said, as a woman, I’d never be with a man I can’t rely on who shirks responsibility. I need someone solid. I never said he’s a bad person although he is a player.
Spot on with your point on ‘rules’! This is exactly how I’d describe my last situationship. Despite him stating that he wanted us to be casual with no strings, he would seek validation from me, a lot of validation. Like he wanted me to declare how I felt about him or tell him that he was good enough, or tell him that I wanted a future with him (honestly I don’t know) without ever directly asking and without ever bringing up the topic of feelings and he would get very dismissive and passive aggressive with me when his bids for validation and reassurance weren’t being met. I get it in hindsight but at the time I could never understand what was going on, he would make ‘jokes’ about us committing to each other or he’d ‘joke’ about us getting married and having 4 babies (despite constantly reminding me that he never wants to get married because he isn’t the marriage type) to see how I’d respond- and ultimately he started seeing somebody else right under my nose, and slowly started phasing me out / disengaging with me with literally no explanation. And when I tried to instigate a discussion he would gaslight me, saying that he was fine and that I was ‘imagining things’ It was truly one of the most hurtful and traumatic things I’ve experienced and I always describe it as, it felt like he penalised me for losing at a game that I didn’t even know I was playing.
Do not ever get onto a situationship or no strings, casual sexual relationship. God doesn't want that for anyone. You probably have old abandonment/ rejection issues or spirits. You must heal and see yourself as the Lord does. Valued and loved.
@@danilaroche1156 amen to this !!!! Really! People for the most part, do not assess the significance and spiritual importance of romantic relationships and variety of implications they come with. FWB, establishing deep emotional and mental connections with the opposite gender that leads to establishing soul ties, 1night stands, etc...
that gaslighting phase aka blatant lying is the most horrible imo. Like- is that so bones breaking to voice the obvious?! That is much better than denying the apparent, like-not only they hurt and abuse you, but also pretend that they don't. Crazy making..and no way, they don't realize it themselves!
Even as a followerof Christ, I didn't think He cared about relationships. He does! Casual sex and premarital sex nearly ruined my life. My peace, purpose, esteem. God rescued me!
This makes so much sense, since I feel like we slipped into a relationship with him calling “babe” and using “us and we” language before we even committed to anything yet. I was wondering if I was seeing things cause it feels like I am his girlfriend already and I did not commit to him either haha 😂
Same boat, he calls me his pet name, I call him babe...I tell him that I love him....he says it back sometimes yet...I test him and ask im if he sleeps e anyone let me know, he says ok...If he wanted me, to commit to me,he wouldve asked me by now since it has been 1.9yrs of situationship...after one month and 3 mths of seeing eachother, he couldn't commit...since then I haven't asked him....
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. What works for Adam might not work for peter. I However learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage, especially with communication. but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters
Thank you for describing my wounds, without making me feel wrong. I've often felt uncomfortable having these boundary setting conversations. Never learned to model emotional reciprocity as my mom is avoidant of her emotions, and my dad was consumed by his own. I tend to be strong intellectually and physically. I've always been scared getting into a relationship "trap" feeling like it would be forever. I'm working accepting and expressing vulnerabilities and boundaries, but it feels tough. Would love to become more comfortable in this area.
Good for you for being willing to be that honest with yourself and put in the time, effort and energy to heal. It's not easy but I'm sure will be worth it in the end. Stay with it, even when it's hard.
This totally describes my last relationship, we broke up because after 3 years I wanted more certainty, exclusivity & I started to ask questions surrounding commitment. Of course I was gaslit & made to feel like I was the problem. This video just validated the fact that I’m not wrong for how I feel. Had dreams of marrying her but it was excuse after excuse, a lot of future faking as well. Still trying to get over her but it’s been difficult.
You 13:59 ever hear of a soul tie. Well that's why you can't let go. You got married illegally in the spirit realm. You made a covenant with her outside of God & now the devil is tormenting you. Your answer: Salvation, restoration and healing thru a relationship with Jesus Christ. Get saved.
The future faking is awful. My Avoidant ex loved to future fake. If he had put the effort into healing that he put into future faking, he would be a securely attached man by now. Ironic.
I think also to add to this ,I would say that some people maybe play out or replay their childhood trauma they endured as a child ,in their adult relationships for some reason , like maybe it gives them some sort of satisfaction? Unfortunately if someone comes to really like this person in a very deep way,this can be a real shock and hurt . ❤
As a Fa to others: if he doesn't actively ask you on dates or state he wants something serious or confesses their feelings or something like that than don't read into flirting and all the intamacy that someone brings if you would like a relationship they are probably just not that into you but enjoy what they can get. It's really sad if they feel romantic and you feel depth with them and it doesn't matter which attachementstyle they have if they are not that into you they will string you along and then when feelings developed hit you with I am not ready/looking for a relationship.
I was recently hit with "I don't want a relationship!" After four months of giving her love and care and her taking it all. I never pressured her at all to commit and went slowly. It's her deactivating because she's scared. I know she loves me but won't allow herself to feel it..guess I'm just going to go no contact and try to get over her as best I can
@@harry-james-books I don't see human beings with trauma with such disdain. She has been through some traumatic things you don't know about. She told me she thought she was in love with me but put her walls up. She has initiated dates but over time her feelings and knowing mine, she has retreated into her safety zone, which is being alone. I don't really understand the vitriol that people throw at people and the seeming hatred. These people didn't ask to be traumatized and abused. And to be honest people who lash out at them and hurl such nasty insults are actually showing they themselves have some attachment issues they need to work on. Even if she and I never go anywhere in a relationship, I'm still going to love her and care about her well-being, even if it's from friendship. I will go on with my life but I won't be looking back on her like she's someone who doesn't deserve love or understanding..she is seeing a counselor every week so she is working on herself. She's just not ready for a full blown relationship.even though deep inside she desires it. That's the saddest part of FA people; they want and desire that deep connection and love but think they aren't worth it.
@@JohnBoulding "She has been through some traumatic things you don't know about" So have most people John. They just don't punish other people because of it. Relationships are easy: Do unto others as you would be done by. If you treat people, in this case an FA, with compassion and understanding, they have zero excuse to not treat you exactly the same back. Sure, they may occasionally "fall off the wagon", but they should know it, admit it, apologise, and try to do better next time. But, invariably, they don't, and hiding behind some nebulous "attachment style" doesn't change the fundamental: people treat other people like s**t either because they don't matter to them, or they don't care if they hurt them. If someone can't control that in themselves, then they are mentally ill.
@@harry-james-books some people are farther along in healing than others. I'm sure at some point in your life you were a$&#&@ to others, either becouse you were hurting or you weren't emotionally ready to face your issues or didn't have help dealing with it. Don't stand there and throw someone under your judgment bus because you got hurt. Getting hurt is a part of life. While it hurt me to hear her say what she sidz I understand where it comes from and she IS working on herself and is a good all around person. If you knew what she's been through you'd be amazed she's not in a ward somewhere..this is a testament to what a great person she is. Whether she and I are ever in love at the same time, or if she never feels that way towards me, I won't let it make me bitter or hateful about it. Judge not lest yet be judged is apt here. By the grace of God go I also applies. Many people are broken and trying to mend and they aren't out here intentionally looking to hurt you. They are looking for love and understanding in their own broken way.
I'm fearful avoidant, not dismissive avoidant. Which means I am both anxious and avoidant. Before I watch the video, this is the reason why I act like I'm in a relationship but won't commit: I have feelings for you and I want to be in a relationship and be close to you but I'm cripplingly TERRIFIED. I know that if I let you in I will become needy and dependent. I know I am very vulnerable and gooey on the inside and have to 100% know that you are trustworthy before I will commit to you. I will constantly test you and push you to your limits to try and figure out your true character and feelings for me.
Yep. I just experienced that very thing let them know upfront so they can decide for themselves. I sincerely hope you’re getting therapy because that’s the only answer from my understanding. I tried to get my FA in counseling, and he just laughed and said he didn’t need counseling. The triggers & constantly testing me, drove me crazy.
Avoidants want connection and chase a feeling. They dont possess the relational skills to be in a healthy interdependent relationship. They're too busy avoiding their emotions and closeness and pushing people away from them. It's like they believe they will end up alone forever. Which may very well be the case since many of them do not go to therapy to face their inner demons and work on becoming more secure.
This is fantastic -- and explains avoidants/relationships with avoidants and the infamous "anxious-avoidant dance/trap" so well! Thank you for always making such great content on these important topics, so helpful.
Healthy conflict is key to intimacy. Definitely do more videos on healthy conflict, possibly role plays so people can witness some good modeling, then explain the strategies used. People need good examples and talking about it isn't enough. People need modeling.
@@CitiesOfAsh Peace can only be obtained through healthy conflict. As humans we'll all experience ruptures in attachment. It's the healthy conflict of making a repair in attachment that strengthens secure attachment. Avoidance of healthy conflict leads to a breakdown in secure attachment.
My boyfriend has caused me to be an anxious mess. Currently going through his silent treatment right now. Funny thing is, he told me I needed to be "secure" yet he completely stonewalls me and has ZERO empathy. I don't know why Im tolerating this crapola!!
Please move on I stayed in it and my mental health and health was effected it will upset your nervous system. If they don't do the work they get worse.
The hard thing is that even after learning and understanding communication and conflict, it still feels like an exhausting thing to do and life is hard enough. It's hard to trade in a nice peaceful evening with the stress of a relationship.
Relationships aren’t for everyone. My DA ex had an older sister that was also DA. She refused to date and has been single for 28 years on purpose. She knows she doesn’t have the staying power and doesn’t want to break people’s hearts. I have the utmost respect for her making that decision. It’s the honorable thing to do instead of leaving a trail of broken hearts in her wake. I wish my ex would’ve had the same mindset, it would’ve spared my heart.
Based on the definition and characteristics you gave of a DA, the examples you gave for #3 and #4 are reversed. Yes, a DA doesn't know how to resolve or deal with conflict in a healthy way, but it is more likely they are being approached by their partner about their lack of vulnerability, affection, commitment, etc. The DA then takes it as a criticism and being misunderstood no matter how healthy the approach and reacts negatively with blameshifting, withdrawal, or rejection. I realize there are always exceptions and different nuisances depending on individuals, but this matches the traditional attachement style and my own personal experience for over 30 years.
Thais could you please address why a lot of avoidants experience fear of missing out? And grass is greener syndrome? I know a few avoidants who, even whilst married, seem to spend a lot of time wondering what life would be like if they had ‘chosen someone else’... I’ve also noticed that they keep a lot of ‘friends’ around. ‘Just in case’ their current relationship doesn’t work out. I know 2 avoidants who have left their spouses for someone else who they believed would be ‘better’. Only to realise the grass wasn’t greener at all.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life People can be funny sometimes, I was once engaged to a guy who decided let's not be engaged anymore, let's just go back to being a couple, I can laugh now but at the time I took it badly. Now I think he was just afraid of commitment, but can't undo that afterwards without looking a bit silly.
Do you feel like autistics end up having this style? I have asd but I’m anxious. I feel the social difficulties might be in play especially with parents that didn’t model for them or that punished them for their big emotions.
Thank you for your content. A kind remark is that it made it a little bit less appealing to me that you’re often speaking “frying” the words. Maybe sth to work on 🙏🏼
I definitely used to be avoidant but now am mildly Anxious and moving into Secure. I've texted the same woman daily, sometimes all day, and we've been on one "date". Hmmm......
What's it called when there was a conversation of exclusivity and they call you their girlfriend but nothing else happens, no conversations, no dates, no getting to know you. They only hang out when they want to hook up with you, then they'll randomly talk about your future together like marriage etc 😒😒 honestly sick of this.
what it's called? - It is called NOTHING! Because besides those few sentences/convo - is nothing! And the guy is prolly just testing you, do you have your healthy common sense and self respect with you! I mean, when you see homeless drug addict dude next to the supermarket parking lot calling at you and saying- hey, hottie, marry me - are you gonna take him seriously?! Is a rough example, but for real - is the same, the guy just called you GF and there it stopped... Does it take an effort for you or anyone to call someone whatever? He just said something and that is all. He does not even have a normal communication with you nor he attempts! Sooooo - are you truly not understanding what's happening? He's trying you. And - he is not into you!!! Best thing to do with these players - leave him alone and move on with your life! I promise you - there are literally billions of other men out there!
It's quite frustrating and painful when you see potential but the guys actions and reality are saying something different. Honestly, I think for me at least it's time to free myself and let go. I hope you also do right by you.
I think that I am with someone that is. And I really like HER. In fact I Love Her, But she is ready to discard ME. I dont know if I should ask Her She was open enough that she suffers from Anxiety, Shame, and Now Depression. I dont want to give up on HER...BUT I am a bit confused even though I am a Secured Attached Man. I have tried everything with HER.
Sex yes (10mins), love and connection no. i don’t think this is true love. Thought he was so broken, gave him years........i am just plain stupid..... 😪😪😪😪
Lol... I am in the same boat as Michaela and believe me, i fell at Jesus' feet for years and years and nothing happened. So comments like this truly begin to annoy me.
I would love for her to do this as well. I’m DA and I keep seeing that we’re serial dating, monkey branching cheaters. Lol I attempt date like once every 3-4 years, there’s no overlap. I attempt, it didn’t go well, I go dormant for a few years and try again. Also, as a DA my emotional capacity is low so I can’t be bothered to deal with so many ppl. I heavily suspect most are dealing with narcs
Let’s talk in depth about Narcissists with dismissive avoidant attachment style. Because at this point I’m about 98% this is what I was dealing with & there’s very little content on this topic.
I think that the 2 are closely related. I think a dismissive attachment style is very likely to also have strong traits of a narcissistic personality. by learning about behaviours and traits of both one can notice great overlap just hte lens applied is different. Here through attachment theory (how it formed) and there through personality disorders (how it manifests). It's all the same though in its essence though.
@@dannywholuv right. And the impact of the behaviour matters more than the intention behind the behaviour when we think of the real world (not internal worlds).
Thais has done PDS videos on narcissists and it's actually more aligned with AP/FA behavior, not DA. She the professional and I wholeheartedly agree. I've dated different attachment styles as well as dated a couple of narcissists. One was who I think would be an AP was overly into me, but turned into a controlling person with many narc traits like wanting to keep in constant contact, wanted to isolate me from family and friends, threw a fit when he wasn't getting his way, picked fights right before I would go out resulting in me just staying in. I see so many people diagnosing their ex DA with narcissism and similar to what the commenter said above, the intentions are what makes the distinction. It might feel the same to their partner, but it's not. When I was an unhealed FA, I used to think the same. Then I joined PDS and healed my unworthy wounds and regulated my nervous system. Once I did all that, I look at DA's completely differently. I can see how my own behaviors impacted our relationship whether I was good intentioned or not. When I look back at the things that made him shut down, it was my approach to the discussion that at the time I thought was okay, but learning from Thais showed me that my exact language will cause a DA to shut down. I can't speak for everyone, but sometimes we have to take accountability for ourselves and also heal to become secure. Now that I'm more secure, I am 100% certain I will not entertain or stay in a dynamic where there is unhealthy behavior.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life hmmm some of the behaviours you describe as AP/FA & narcissistic I've seen from a DA. Done more indirectly though. The DA would make by-the-way accusatory comments or confidence crushing ones casually right before things that were meant to be enjoyable so that he'd have the environment that would justify him needing to back out/cancel or for me to concede into something I had not felt right but that was convenient/comfortable for him. And around the tone part it was similar, I had to always be on my best possible tone and approach to even get a slither of a chance to get across whilst he would use avoidance, turning things on their heads and defensiveness and still expect to be understood, considered and prioritised. Well all that to say that I'm sure narcissists appear across all attachment styles and the different narcissistic traits manifest the hardest in different aspects of the relationship for each attachment style. (I.e. I can totally see APs being love bombers, or FAs being somewhat controlling etc)
was involved with an FA, that leans D, I cant tell you it will take the most secure person and drag you to anxious. TBH unless they are doing any work on themselves you cant win
I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but as a FA who leans DA, if I have done this in the past it was either because I was trauma bonded to them, they were more avoidant than myself or they were someone who met my need for space. One thing that will turn me away from even an extremely kind guy is if he can't respect that I have my own life or wants to see me too much or constantly wants to communicate throughout the day or sometimes I just don't see them that way. The one thing I won't do is string them along or bring emotions into it though. I never want to hurt anyone so I'll end it within a couple of months if I see we aren't compatible in a way that I need us to be.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111that makes sense! if I were to call someone my bf that would be the situation. However, I suspect like in my last situationship, if he had proposed and finally been emotionally available I would have run. Ironically, I did run because he was too distant and acting sketchy.
@@alanrodriguez210nah. Needs are important to everyone. And when a DA goes backwards, it’s sketchy. FAs don’t like sketchy. Compatibility is important.
@@alanrodriguez210 Egocentric would be to continue playing games with the person; that's what narcs do, pretend to be into you so they can use you for emotional and whatever other supply. This person came across sincere about what they know they can or can't work with.
Is it shameful for me to still want to have to adventures in the bedroom while we broke it up ? it came from us both to not want to let that part go.. Idk if i feel empowered to go that route or i should give in to shame of having no zelfrespect in the eyes of a lot of people??
Thais I'd love to see you do a video on why people who have a lot of wants and needs don't date someone who matches their style. What I repeatedly see are unhealed people who seem to lean more anxious, who sometimes consider themselves secure, come on here and release all their anger and resentment on ALL avoidants as if we all share one brain and personality. They don't take any accountability for themselves and their own emotions. I'm just confused as to why they don't date a more anxious leaning attachment style (or secure) who can meet their needs better. I asked someone the other day and their response was something on the lines of if the other anxious person is more anxious than them, then it's too much for them. So if that's the case, why is it okay for them to feel overwhelmed by an another person taking up their space and breaking their boundaries but not okay for an avoidant to feel the same way about them? I wish more people would do a little self-reflecting and recognize that if they don't like it done to them, they can't get upset when they're guilty of it to. I feel like I know the answer you'd give ❤, I just wonder if there's a way to explain it to everyone so there's more self-reflection and less blaming.
In the same thought process you said anxious people (generalizing all) then, states how anxious acts as if all avoidance have one brain and personality! It’s takes an unhealthy and unhealed person to not take accountability for their part in any relationship dynamic. Sometimes people fall victim to their situations when they point the finger. Yes it hurts, but we all hurt ourselves in the end by continuing to choose with a person who isn’t doing the work needed for them to be healthy!
@@intentionalparenting2605 I understand what you mean in your first comment, but if you read what I said it's specifically targeted at the anxious leaning people who come on here to release anger and resentment. I never once said ALL anxious people are like this...just the ones the mentioned above. (I just updated it though because I can see how it came off that way) And yes I agree 100% with your second comment.
I would say that a lot of the time, people don’t really realize that they are acting this way, or they don’t realize the effect it has on their partner. I think anxious-avoidant relationships happen because both people are codependent and looking for someone else to provide the traits that they lack. It doesn’t surprise me that most of the people watching these videos and leaving comments are anxious because they are the type to look for support and voice their feelings. I think people who are avoidant are probably just as hurt and angry, but they keep it to themselves.
I think the reason avoidants are particularly to blame because of their flippant nature. Hot then cold etc. Love bombing and infatuation attracts the Anxious style and then the Avoidant takes it away. And they do so weather they are with a secure, anxious or another avoidant. Meaning it's not the Anxious persons fault. Tho they do have their own issues.
And they often don't communicate or state their needs. So you can't make thw relationship better or understand where they are coming from. The Anxious is needy but the Avoidant should know that from the start. The Anxious isn't hiding it or going to change unexpectedly and not communicate about it. Thing about avoidants is it's particularly hard to have a relationship with someone who won't tell you how they feel or what they need.
Are you in a "relationship" with an avoidant? Let us know in the comments!
I am an avoidant in a “relationship”(situationship) with another, more avoidant avoidant who also happens to be my ex. Fun times
damnit...now i understand why i'm messed up
my best relationship was with the Marine Corps
it was physical and intellectual...i felt nothing
i didn't get a tattoo...only an Honorable Discharge
i think i may be a monster....or worse
had to see a pShrink...it was a court order
he was showing me those ink blob images
they looked like bugs until he pulled out a colorful one
i was thinking i better come up with better answers
so i was like, "it's a beautiful butterfly..."
he shot back, "BOVINE SCAT! YOU SEE BLOOD!"
I love, how you used '' '' for the word- relationship! So perfectly telling and really illustrated well, how avoid ants see relationships and their importance for them and such.. Indeed, a ''relationship'''......not a relationship, but a ''relationship'' , there is definitely a difference and anyone who has dealt extensively with an avoidant, will understand this.
I was and will never again go down this path Thais. I'm a SA based on your quiz 88%. It was the most difficult and triggering relationship I ever had in my life. I promise myself never to repeat this painful lesson.
P
It took my DA partner and me (FA) 8 years and a whole bunch of attachment style theory, before we finally changed our situationship into a romantic relationship. 9 years together and counting. We are not living together, but we see each other several times a week and recently agreed on he staying the night two times a week. We rarely call each other but find joy in exchanging mails. If I feel the need, my partner is okay with me calling him. Recently, I was being faced with something heavy, and I called my partner and he offered his support by staying at my place for 14 days in a row. After that, he admitted that he has grown fond of staying the night and having breakfast together, and I told him that he is the first person with whom I get to experience this family life. He supports me in practicing expressing my needs and learning to set healthy boundaries, and I support him in growing more flexible and have a better capacity of dealing with emotions. The change that's taking place in both of us, is a beautiful and intense happening. ❤️✨️
That’s nice that you are able to work it out with him and you’re still going and recognize both ways of learning, acceptance and love. I think it’s great. Good for you.
That’s what I want ❤
Impossible being in a relationship with someone that can't communicate or refuses to. My most recent ex just pulled away from me and would hardly ever tell me what was wrong or what was bothering them, then proceeded to tell me that she felt like she "couldn't tell me" about the things that were bothering her. She never even gave me the opportunity to address these things that were corroding away our intimacy until it was already too late. She was more comfortable allowing her resentment to build up over months or maybe even years than she was with being vulnerable upfront and honest with me about her wants, needs, and feelings. I know she feels guilty, and frankly, she should. "I should have said something sooner". You're damn right you should have said something sooner.
I never wanted this. And if I would have known that I was giving my heart to someone that was uncommitted to conflict-resolution, and uncommitted to resentment management, then I never would have allowed myself to love her at all. What an absolute waste.
Relate to this so much. Sorry you had to go through it too!
This is the exact same thing that happened to me.
Comforting to know I'm not alone. Wishing better things for all of us.
If you try to understand her, "when" she calls you, bc eventually, she more than likely will, as long as you let her go for now.. It is possible to fix everything with the tools this lady teaches. I know, bc I did it. It doesn't happen fast, but as long as you empathize and don't criticize and learn wht these videos teach and as long as you have the patience that you could only have if you truly love her, then the relationship can be saved. Work on yourself while you work on learning how to understand her "needs" in the meantime. She will notice the difference if you do the work. A year and a half after our break up, and we are now closer than ever. I've known her for over 20 years, and after learning what is taught here, we are financially engaged after only a year and a half later of knowing these lessons.
You have to keep needle moving forward, though, if only just a little bit, and it does take both of you. But it truly helps when you understand "why" they do the things they do. Why did they the things they did and how you could have unknowingly made it worse. When they pull back, you pull back. Best advice to start with.
My ex pretended to be warm and loving. Pretended to desire a real relationship but he couldn't stay when it got a bit rocky. He couldn't do it but he certainly wanted sex. I didnt give it to him. Why should i have sex without commitment?
I feel like it’s responsibility that dismissive avoidants avoid. They can be vulnerable but they can’t be relied on at all. The one I talked to doesn’t even like to answer calls. I had a flat tire and he was absent. It’s not for me.
This. Literally flat out ignored texts regarding my emotional state (shared I was feeling deflated about an awkward, rocky networking attempt) but answered right away a following text about a more business thing (that was relevant to them).
I guess I just need to finally accept after five years I just can't do this; my needs aren't being met (and this is just a friendship, ffs). It's so heatbreaking.
@@Shutzie27 I completely understand. It’s hard because the connection can be strong, fun, etc. maybe a good friendship but not anything more serious than that. They go missing when it really counts most of the time and that’s too important to neglect.
We have to heal the wounds within ourselves so we don't repeat the same dating patterns. There's a reason behind why we're attracted to who we're attracted to. Dismissive avoidants don't always know how to handle stressful situations or want to talk on the phone and I can relate. They have their own inner turmoil to live with daily and to bring in a whole other person's emotions is hard. I dated a DA who once said "I can barely handle my own emotions nevermind somebody else's." I wasn't mad or resentful for that statement. It's just the truth. I joined PDS to learn to handle my own stuff and not rely on others for that.
Personally I love dating DA's because I understand them, but it's not for everyone. That doesn't make them bad or any worse than any other attachment style, it's just not the relationship for you. Like I know I am incompatible with AP's so I won't date them. Unhealed traits show up pretty fast once you're healed enough to recognize them. I just leave after a few months instead of trying to make it work with a person who doesn't share my love language.
It's difficult, because as the saying goes "we cannot give to others, what we do not possess ourselves". Since avoidants experience a lack of self-compassion, it is difficult for them to practice expressing compassion. Since avoidants cope through solitude in pain, they subconsciously assume others do/should as well.
It's when the ice around the avoidant's heart thaws and they feel safe to share their vulnerability with you; their doubts, fears, regret, tears; then they will also become empowered through learned experience to reciprocate for you.
Until then, if you cannot create and empathic, judgement-free and pressure-free zone for them to come out of their shell, it is really a struggle to feel there is enough reciprocation and mutuality of emotional needs.
I can however attest that it is possible to grow in this together. My DA never deactivates around me anymore, because he feels safe and trusts me with both his positive and negative experiences. He might shut out the world, but he actively shares with me. In turn, he's also supportive and there for me when I am in need of support.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life I’m a fearful avoidant so I definitely get why they act the way they do. We took turns doing a lot of the same things. I think I understand him more than most. That said, as a woman, I’d never be with a man I can’t rely on who shirks responsibility. I need someone solid. I never said he’s a bad person although he is a player.
It's amazing how one can bypass all these blocks by simply telling it how it is.
My DA boyfriend was always wanting us to look like the perfect couple, but gave me zero connection. This went on for 10 years
Spot on with your point on ‘rules’! This is exactly how I’d describe my last situationship. Despite him stating that he wanted us to be casual with no strings, he would seek validation from me, a lot of validation. Like he wanted me to declare how I felt about him or tell him that he was good enough, or tell him that I wanted a future with him (honestly I don’t know) without ever directly asking and without ever bringing up the topic of feelings and he would get very dismissive and passive aggressive with me when his bids for validation and reassurance weren’t being met. I get it in hindsight but at the time I could never understand what was going on, he would make ‘jokes’ about us committing to each other or he’d ‘joke’ about us getting married and having 4 babies (despite constantly reminding me that he never wants to get married because he isn’t the marriage type) to see how I’d respond- and ultimately he started seeing somebody else right under my nose, and slowly started phasing me out / disengaging with me with literally no explanation. And when I tried to instigate a discussion he would gaslight me, saying that he was fine and that I was ‘imagining things’ It was truly one of the most hurtful and traumatic things I’ve experienced and I always describe it as, it felt like he penalised me for losing at a game that I didn’t even know I was playing.
Do not ever get onto a situationship or no strings, casual sexual relationship. God doesn't want that for anyone. You probably have old abandonment/ rejection issues or spirits. You must heal and see yourself as the Lord does. Valued and loved.
@@danilaroche1156 amen 💓
@@danilaroche1156 amen to this !!!! Really! People for the most part, do not assess the significance and spiritual importance of romantic relationships and variety of implications they come with. FWB, establishing deep emotional and mental connections with the opposite gender that leads to establishing soul ties, 1night stands, etc...
that gaslighting phase aka blatant lying is the most horrible imo. Like- is that so bones breaking to voice the obvious?! That is much better than denying the apparent, like-not only they hurt and abuse you, but also pretend that they don't. Crazy making..and no way, they don't realize it themselves!
Even as a followerof Christ, I didn't think He cared about relationships. He does! Casual sex and premarital sex nearly ruined my life. My peace, purpose, esteem. God rescued me!
This makes so much sense, since I feel like we slipped into a relationship with him calling “babe” and using “us and we” language before we even committed to anything yet. I was wondering if I was seeing things cause it feels like I am his girlfriend already and I did not commit to him either haha 😂
Same boat, he calls me his pet name, I call him babe...I tell him that I love him....he says it back sometimes yet...I test him and ask im if he sleeps e anyone let me know, he says ok...If he wanted me, to commit to me,he wouldve asked me by now since it has been 1.9yrs of situationship...after one month and 3 mths of seeing eachother, he couldn't commit...since then I haven't asked him....
Are you his gf publicly?
@@audtasticgirl Ask him exactly that
Exactly
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. What works for Adam might not work for peter. I However learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage, especially with communication. but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it..
lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her
You definitely should. You wont regret it
I wish someone missed me like that ❤️🩹
This video could go viral off the title alone 😅
Thank you for describing my wounds, without making me feel wrong.
I've often felt uncomfortable having these boundary setting conversations. Never learned to model emotional reciprocity as my mom is avoidant of her emotions, and my dad was consumed by his own.
I tend to be strong intellectually and physically.
I've always been scared getting into a relationship "trap" feeling like it would be forever.
I'm working accepting and expressing vulnerabilities and boundaries, but it feels tough.
Would love to become more comfortable in this area.
Practice makes perfect applies here. The more you do it the more you will be able to do it.
Good for you for being willing to be that honest with yourself and put in the time, effort and energy to heal. It's not easy but I'm sure will be worth it in the end. Stay with it, even when it's hard.
That "always getting criticised" thing, I really felt that.
This totally describes my last relationship, we broke up because after 3 years I wanted more certainty, exclusivity & I started to ask questions surrounding commitment. Of course I was gaslit & made to feel like I was the problem. This video just validated the fact that I’m not wrong for how I feel. Had dreams of marrying her but it was excuse after excuse, a lot of future faking as well. Still trying to get over her but it’s been difficult.
You 13:59 ever hear of a soul tie. Well that's why you can't let go. You got married illegally in the spirit realm. You made a covenant with her outside of God & now the devil is tormenting you. Your answer: Salvation, restoration and healing thru a relationship with Jesus Christ. Get saved.
Theee years without commitment? That is way too long. I would say 3-4 months tops. I am sorry you had to go through that..❤
The future faking is awful. My Avoidant ex loved to future fake. If he had put the effort into healing that he put into future faking, he would be a securely attached man by now. Ironic.
I think also to add to this ,I would say that some people maybe play out or replay their childhood trauma they endured as a child ,in their adult relationships for some reason , like maybe it gives them some sort of satisfaction?
Unfortunately if someone comes to really like this person in a very deep way,this can be a real shock and hurt .
❤
As a Fa to others: if he doesn't actively ask you on dates or state he wants something serious or confesses their feelings or something like that than don't read into flirting and all the intamacy that someone brings if you would like a relationship they are probably just not that into you but enjoy what they can get. It's really sad if they feel romantic and you feel depth with them and it doesn't matter which attachementstyle they have if they are not that into you they will string you along and then when feelings developed hit you with I am not ready/looking for a relationship.
I was recently hit with "I don't want a relationship!" After four months of giving her love and care and her taking it all. I never pressured her at all to commit and went slowly. It's her deactivating because she's scared. I know she loves me but won't allow herself to feel it..guess I'm just going to go no contact and try to get over her as best I can
This very thing happened to me@@JohnBoulding
@@harry-james-books I don't see human beings with trauma with such disdain. She has been through some traumatic things you don't know about. She told me she thought she was in love with me but put her walls up. She has initiated dates but over time her feelings and knowing mine, she has retreated into her safety zone, which is being alone.
I don't really understand the vitriol that people throw at people and the seeming hatred. These people didn't ask to be traumatized and abused. And to be honest people who lash out at them and hurl such nasty insults are actually showing they themselves have some attachment issues they need to work on.
Even if she and I never go anywhere in a relationship, I'm still going to love her and care about her well-being, even if it's from friendship. I will go on with my life but I won't be looking back on her like she's someone who doesn't deserve love or understanding..she is seeing a counselor every week so she is working on herself. She's just not ready for a full blown relationship.even though deep inside she desires it. That's the saddest part of FA people; they want and desire that deep connection and love but think they aren't worth it.
@@JohnBoulding "She has been through some traumatic things you don't know about"
So have most people John. They just don't punish other people because of it.
Relationships are easy: Do unto others as you would be done by.
If you treat people, in this case an FA, with compassion and understanding, they have zero excuse to not treat you exactly the same back.
Sure, they may occasionally "fall off the wagon", but they should know it, admit it, apologise, and try to do better next time.
But, invariably, they don't, and hiding behind some nebulous "attachment style" doesn't change the fundamental: people treat other people like s**t either because they don't matter to them, or they don't care if they hurt them.
If someone can't control that in themselves, then they are mentally ill.
@@harry-james-books some people are farther along in healing than others. I'm sure at some point in your life you were a$&#&@ to others, either becouse you were hurting or you weren't emotionally ready to face your issues or didn't have help dealing with it. Don't stand there and throw someone under your judgment bus because you got hurt. Getting hurt is a part of life. While it hurt me to hear her say what she sidz I understand where it comes from and she IS working on herself and is a good all around person. If you knew what she's been through you'd be amazed she's not in a ward somewhere..this is a testament to what a great person she is. Whether she and I are ever in love at the same time, or if she never feels that way towards me, I won't let it make me bitter or hateful about it. Judge not lest yet be judged is apt here. By the grace of God go I also applies.
Many people are broken and trying to mend and they aren't out here intentionally looking to hurt you. They are looking for love and understanding in their own broken way.
I'm fearful avoidant, not dismissive avoidant. Which means I am both anxious and avoidant. Before I watch the video, this is the reason why I act like I'm in a relationship but won't commit: I have feelings for you and I want to be in a relationship and be close to you but I'm cripplingly TERRIFIED. I know that if I let you in I will become needy and dependent. I know I am very vulnerable and gooey on the inside and have to 100% know that you are trustworthy before I will commit to you. I will constantly test you and push you to your limits to try and figure out your true character and feelings for me.
Yep. I just experienced that very thing let them know upfront so they can decide for themselves. I sincerely hope you’re getting therapy because that’s the only answer from my understanding. I tried to get my FA in counseling, and he just laughed and said he didn’t need counseling. The triggers & constantly testing me, drove me crazy.
Do you also feel that it's never enough ( proofs of love&trust)?
You need therapy because that is toxic.
It’s not fair!! Testing people like this is cruel.
Avoidants want connection and chase a feeling. They dont possess the relational skills to be in a healthy interdependent relationship. They're too busy avoiding their emotions and closeness and pushing people away from them. It's like they believe they will end up alone forever. Which may very well be the case since many of them do not go to therapy to face their inner demons and work on becoming more secure.
I’ve been in love with a dismissive avoidant for a few years now. I give up.
You should give up. It's the worst!
I married one and had children. Pure hell. I almost committed suicide in this fake marriage.
I gave up too
I’m gonna follow all your lead and give up today
Run away. Find a SA person. I told myself. I remind myself I deserve a mentally, emotionally and physically healthy partner (like me) .
This is fantastic -- and explains avoidants/relationships with avoidants and the infamous "anxious-avoidant dance/trap" so well! Thank you for always making such great content on these important topics, so helpful.
Healthy conflict is key to intimacy. Definitely do more videos on healthy conflict, possibly role plays so people can witness some good modeling, then explain the strategies used. People need good examples and talking about it isn't enough. People need modeling.
Men want peace, women want drama or "conflict"
@@CitiesOfAsh Peace can only be obtained through healthy conflict. As humans we'll all experience ruptures in attachment. It's the healthy conflict of making a repair in attachment that strengthens secure attachment. Avoidance of healthy conflict leads to a breakdown in secure attachment.
My boyfriend has caused me to be an anxious mess. Currently going through his silent treatment right now. Funny thing is, he told me I needed to be "secure" yet he completely stonewalls me and has ZERO empathy. I don't know why Im tolerating this crapola!!
Please move on I stayed in it and my mental health and health was effected it will upset your nervous system. If they don't do the work they get worse.
I’m sorry
I felt I was good with communication, my Adult Sons and I had a very close relationship. As adults I struggle feeling of peace , joy most of all love
The hard thing is that even after learning and understanding communication and conflict, it still feels like an exhausting thing to do and life is hard enough. It's hard to trade in a nice peaceful evening with the stress of a relationship.
Relationships aren’t for everyone. My DA ex had an older sister that was also DA. She refused to date and has been single for 28 years on purpose. She knows she doesn’t have the staying power and doesn’t want to break people’s hearts. I have the utmost respect for her making that decision. It’s the honorable thing to do instead of leaving a trail of broken hearts in her wake. I wish my ex would’ve had the same mindset, it would’ve spared my heart.
Based on the definition and characteristics you gave of a DA, the examples you gave for #3 and #4 are reversed. Yes, a DA doesn't know how to resolve or deal with conflict in a healthy way, but it is more likely they are being approached by their partner about their lack of vulnerability, affection, commitment, etc. The DA then takes it as a criticism and being misunderstood no matter how healthy the approach and reacts negatively with blameshifting, withdrawal, or rejection. I realize there are always exceptions and different nuisances depending on individuals, but this matches the traditional attachement style and my own personal experience for over 30 years.
I agree
You have helped me SO MUCH to understand myself better! Thank you so much!!
Thais could you please address why a lot of avoidants experience fear of missing out? And grass is greener syndrome? I know a few avoidants who, even whilst married, seem to spend a lot of time wondering what life would be like if they had ‘chosen someone else’... I’ve also noticed that they keep a lot of ‘friends’ around. ‘Just in case’ their current relationship doesn’t work out. I know 2 avoidants who have left their spouses for someone else who they believed would be ‘better’. Only to realise the grass wasn’t greener at all.
what if one’s completely blocked on all the emotional, the physical and the sexual pillars…?
Therapy could work... Letting go, at least try
He called me his girl then next day said he slipped up and said it and wasn’t ready for a relationship. GAME PLAYING 101 🤨
Sounds like a player; I'd keep my options open. Either that or he dropped the ball
@@ashton1952agreed. That doesn't sound like typical DA behavior at all or at least not the ones I've dated..
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life People can be funny sometimes, I was once engaged to a guy who decided let's not be engaged anymore, let's just go back to being a couple, I can laugh now but at the time I took it badly. Now I think he was just afraid of commitment, but can't undo that afterwards without looking a bit silly.
yup, many people play games, no matter their age...Has nothing to do with attachment style. Just keep your wits with you
Not have playing. It's who he is and wired. Hence. This video.
I have watched a lot of your videos and this one just hits different in a really good way.
Do you feel like autistics end up having this style? I have asd but I’m anxious.
I feel the social difficulties might be in play especially with parents that didn’t model for them or that punished them for their big emotions.
Thank you for your content. A kind remark is that it made it a little bit less appealing to me that you’re often speaking “frying” the words. Maybe sth to work on 🙏🏼
Real ones know this is a reupload. And will watch til the end anyway 😂 call it a refresher ig
I definitely used to be avoidant but now am mildly Anxious and moving into Secure. I've texted the same woman daily, sometimes all day, and we've been on one "date". Hmmm......
What's it called when there was a conversation of exclusivity and they call you their girlfriend but nothing else happens, no conversations, no dates, no getting to know you. They only hang out when they want to hook up with you, then they'll randomly talk about your future together like marriage etc 😒😒 honestly sick of this.
I'm going through this as well, except with a man. My heart goes out to you. It's so confusing!
what it's called? - It is called NOTHING! Because besides those few sentences/convo - is nothing! And the guy is prolly just testing you, do you have your healthy common sense and self respect with you! I mean, when you see homeless drug addict dude next to the supermarket parking lot calling at you and saying- hey, hottie, marry me - are you gonna take him seriously?! Is a rough example, but for real - is the same, the guy just called you GF and there it stopped... Does it take an effort for you or anyone to call someone whatever? He just said something and that is all. He does not even have a normal communication with you nor he attempts! Sooooo - are you truly not understanding what's happening? He's trying you. And - he is not into you!!! Best thing to do with these players - leave him alone and move on with your life! I promise you - there are literally billions of other men out there!
lmao, thank you! honestly the reality check I needed. @@originalmix2546
It's quite frustrating and painful when you see potential but the guys actions and reality are saying something different. Honestly, I think for me at least it's time to free myself and let go. I hope you also do right by you.
@@lawsome2068 actions speak louder than words but hot and cold.
Bang on 👏🏼
I think that I am with someone that is. And I really like HER. In fact I Love Her, But she is ready to discard ME. I dont know if I should ask Her
She was open enough that she suffers from Anxiety, Shame, and Now Depression. I dont want to give up on HER...BUT I am a bit confused even though I am a Secured Attached Man. I have tried everything with HER.
What the heck are “pillars of emotional connection”???
Sex yes (10mins), love and connection no. i don’t think this is true love. Thought he was so broken, gave him years........i am just plain stupid..... 😪😪😪😪
Your not stupid. Just uninformed. I'd turn to the Lord Jesus.
Lol... I am in the same boat as Michaela and believe me, i fell at Jesus' feet for years and years and nothing happened. So comments like this truly begin to annoy me.
Can you talk about DAs and unfaithfulness?
And more information on the difference between DAs and someone with NPD
I would love for her to do this as well. I’m DA and I keep seeing that we’re serial dating, monkey branching cheaters. Lol I attempt date like once every 3-4 years, there’s no overlap. I attempt, it didn’t go well, I go dormant for a few years and try again. Also, as a DA my emotional capacity is low so I can’t be bothered to deal with so many ppl. I heavily suspect most are dealing with narcs
Let’s talk in depth about Narcissists with dismissive avoidant attachment style. Because at this point I’m about 98% this is what I was dealing with & there’s very little content on this topic.
I think that the 2 are closely related. I think a dismissive attachment style is very likely to also have strong traits of a narcissistic personality. by learning about behaviours and traits of both one can notice great overlap just hte lens applied is different. Here through attachment theory (how it formed) and there through personality disorders (how it manifests). It's all the same though in its essence though.
The difference is intentions but the outcome is the same for their partners. They will both leave you when theyve had their fill.
@@dannywholuv right. And the impact of the behaviour matters more than the intention behind the behaviour when we think of the real world (not internal worlds).
Thais has done PDS videos on narcissists and it's actually more aligned with AP/FA behavior, not DA. She the professional and I wholeheartedly agree. I've dated different attachment styles as well as dated a couple of narcissists. One was who I think would be an AP was overly into me, but turned into a controlling person with many narc traits like wanting to keep in constant contact, wanted to isolate me from family and friends, threw a fit when he wasn't getting his way, picked fights right before I would go out resulting in me just staying in.
I see so many people diagnosing their ex DA with narcissism and similar to what the commenter said above, the intentions are what makes the distinction. It might feel the same to their partner, but it's not. When I was an unhealed FA, I used to think the same. Then I joined PDS and healed my unworthy wounds and regulated my nervous system. Once I did all that, I look at DA's completely differently. I can see how my own behaviors impacted our relationship whether I was good intentioned or not. When I look back at the things that made him shut down, it was my approach to the discussion that at the time I thought was okay, but learning from Thais showed me that my exact language will cause a DA to shut down.
I can't speak for everyone, but sometimes we have to take accountability for ourselves and also heal to become secure. Now that I'm more secure, I am 100% certain I will not entertain or stay in a dynamic where there is unhealthy behavior.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life hmmm some of the behaviours you describe as AP/FA & narcissistic I've seen from a DA. Done more indirectly though. The DA would make by-the-way accusatory comments or confidence crushing ones casually right before things that were meant to be enjoyable so that he'd have the environment that would justify him needing to back out/cancel or for me to concede into something I had not felt right but that was convenient/comfortable for him. And around the tone part it was similar, I had to always be on my best possible tone and approach to even get a slither of a chance to get across whilst he would use avoidance, turning things on their heads and defensiveness and still expect to be understood, considered and prioritised. Well all that to say that I'm sure narcissists appear across all attachment styles and the different narcissistic traits manifest the hardest in different aspects of the relationship for each attachment style. (I.e. I can totally see APs being love bombers, or FAs being somewhat controlling etc)
Oh man Thais this is so me.
Explains my relationship did not want commitment
was involved with an FA, that leans D, I cant tell you it will take the most secure person and drag you to anxious. TBH unless they are doing any work on themselves you cant win
THEY build up resentment? They have no idea 😂
They want to act like they’re in a relationship even though they’re not so they can cheat. It’s very clear.
Please define your definition of "commitment"? Going steady, exclusivity, marriage?
Yeah, no marriage lol. Respect, not doing anything that you wouldn't do with your partner present basically. Being reciprocate
Hi 👋 I am that somebody.
Loving today's eyebrows; far less Cleopatra
I feel it's more masculine to kind of be an avoidant
They do this and then leave
Why will they put the boyfriend label on some but not others?
I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but as a FA who leans DA, if I have done this in the past it was either because I was trauma bonded to them, they were more avoidant than myself or they were someone who met my need for space. One thing that will turn me away from even an extremely kind guy is if he can't respect that I have my own life or wants to see me too much or constantly wants to communicate throughout the day or sometimes I just don't see them that way. The one thing I won't do is string them along or bring emotions into it though. I never want to hurt anyone so I'll end it within a couple of months if I see we aren't compatible in a way that I need us to be.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111that makes sense! if I were to call someone my bf that would be the situation. However, I suspect like in my last situationship, if he had proposed and finally been emotionally available I would have run. Ironically, I did run because he was too distant and acting sketchy.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 "In a way that I need us to be", sounds as egocentric and selfish as it can get.
@@alanrodriguez210nah. Needs are important to everyone. And when a DA goes backwards, it’s sketchy. FAs don’t like sketchy. Compatibility is important.
@@alanrodriguez210 Egocentric would be to continue playing games with the person; that's what narcs do, pretend to be into you so they can use you for emotional and whatever other supply. This person came across sincere about what they know they can or can't work with.
Is it shameful for me to still want to have to adventures in the bedroom while we broke it up ? it came from us both to not want to let that part go..
Idk if i feel empowered to go that route or i should give in to shame of having no zelfrespect in the eyes of a lot of people??
Honestly try and look within yourself and ask do you want to keep up the bedroom stuff? If you don't want to instead then do that
Excuses😮
I only care about videos teaching how to find and attract secure attachment style. I even prefer an anxious. Don’t care for an avoidant.
Epic
my ex is doing this to me now
Thais I'd love to see you do a video on why people who have a lot of wants and needs don't date someone who matches their style. What I repeatedly see are unhealed people who seem to lean more anxious, who sometimes consider themselves secure, come on here and release all their anger and resentment on ALL avoidants as if we all share one brain and personality. They don't take any accountability for themselves and their own emotions. I'm just confused as to why they don't date a more anxious leaning attachment style (or secure) who can meet their needs better.
I asked someone the other day and their response was something on the lines of if the other anxious person is more anxious than them, then it's too much for them. So if that's the case, why is it okay for them to feel overwhelmed by an another person taking up their space and breaking their boundaries but not okay for an avoidant to feel the same way about them? I wish more people would do a little self-reflecting and recognize that if they don't like it done to them, they can't get upset when they're guilty of it to.
I feel like I know the answer you'd give ❤, I just wonder if there's a way to explain it to everyone so there's more self-reflection and less blaming.
In the same thought process you said anxious people (generalizing all) then, states how anxious acts as if all avoidance have one brain and personality!
It’s takes an unhealthy and unhealed person to not take accountability for their part in any relationship dynamic. Sometimes people fall victim to their situations when they point the finger. Yes it hurts, but we all hurt ourselves in the end by continuing to choose with a person who isn’t doing the work needed for them to be healthy!
@@intentionalparenting2605 I understand what you mean in your first comment, but if you read what I said it's specifically targeted at the anxious leaning people who come on here to release anger and resentment. I never once said ALL anxious people are like this...just the ones the mentioned above. (I just updated it though because I can see how it came off that way) And yes I agree 100% with your second comment.
I would say that a lot of the time, people don’t really realize that they are acting this way, or they don’t realize the effect it has on their partner. I think anxious-avoidant relationships happen because both people are codependent and looking for someone else to provide the traits that they lack. It doesn’t surprise me that most of the people watching these videos and leaving comments are anxious because they are the type to look for support and voice their feelings. I think people who are avoidant are probably just as hurt and angry, but they keep it to themselves.
I think the reason avoidants are particularly to blame because of their flippant nature. Hot then cold etc. Love bombing and infatuation attracts the Anxious style and then the Avoidant takes it away. And they do so weather they are with a secure, anxious or another avoidant. Meaning it's not the Anxious persons fault. Tho they do have their own issues.
And they often don't communicate or state their needs. So you can't make thw relationship better or understand where they are coming from.
The Anxious is needy but the Avoidant should know that from the start. The Anxious isn't hiding it or going to change unexpectedly and not communicate about it.
Thing about avoidants is it's particularly hard to have a relationship with someone who won't tell you how they feel or what they need.
They also can be in one and act like they aren’t lol
Omg this happened to me
Every time it sounds like she’s eating or needing to swallow.. take your time.. no need to rush what you’re saying
I reckon the solution is for everyone to be alone and celibate :)
Sir, this comedy channel is undernaeth it all, not slightly better than watching birds make a p oo p