Avoidant get full control over relationship if you decide to be with them. They put themselves first, their goals, job, hobbies, if You dont accept that, they pull away and break up with You. They expect support from You, but in their mind its being for them and you accepting them doing whatever they want. So hard to lead as a man in relationship like this. I guess its the trend with highly independent, successful but still lonely women.
I've been in that situation. Recently broke up. I became psychotic. I am not a people pleaser, but I found myself apologising for everything, even if I was the one upset for something she did. It's crazy
This is pretty accurate. At some point dismissive avoidants "drop the mask" and when you start to complain and point things out they just ghost you. DAs are the diet coke of narcissism
Not to mention the self Sabotage1 the fault finding the cheating the line the manipelection I've been there my recent ex was A dismissive, And I knew she had childhood trauma so I treated her better than anyone I ever have 17:11
I have been in a torturous on and off again relationship for almost 10 years with an avoidant. They beg me back time and time again...I believed in Love...I accepted him back probably over 50 times...the last time I just couldn't. I'm now becoming fearful and avoidant of him because any time I let him on, he bails on me when I need him. When I met him he said he was looking for a deep connection and a real relationship...well 10 years later and any time it got deep he ran....I love him but I'm not in love anymore if that makes sense. The pain associated with him now is hard to ignore.
I am sorry you are dealing with this my situation is a bit different but its been 13years of mental anguish for me. I am not an expert but I feel like you need a very long period of radio silent no contact where he really thinks he lost you for him to ever possibly reflect but because he has left and you have taken him back so many times he knows he can keep doing it and thats a terrible position to be in. I am in a similar position too my ex knows I will always be there for him (or at least he did think that I am not sure what he thinks now because I have been ignoring his breadcrumbs for 2 months and no contact for 2 months before I started really ignoring him too. My ex never begs me back I have always caved in the past and initiated conversation with him but for the last 18months he hasn’t wanted to see me or talk anymore he just wants to be superficial casual friends now that check in once a month it seems. If your ex begs you back maybe u can tell him u will only agree to taking him back if he will go to therapy with you? My ex begging me to give him a chance is like a dream to me
He never broke up with me, he wants a no contact fill anxiet relationship. I already found other admirers I will find a new bf. He only loves me if I ignore him. He is weird. I want a normal secure guy.
Don't attempt to have a relationship with someone that isn't emotionally mature to handle a relationship. They will string you along. Don't let them play you.
Im really not sure why dissmisive avoidants even try to be in a relationship. They have no desire To compromise and give up some of what they do, But expect you to do plenty of that. It's ridiculous.
I agree, if they stay the same & never change. I never realized I was a DA (barely accepted any signs) for wayyy too long and when I deep dove into myself and avoidant styles, therapy... it crushed me. I never want to have any of those behaviors again. I was devastated. Anyway, my point being, everyone can use some work and hopefully everyone lets that ego and guard up at some point and be better.
On the outside they have lots of activity but deep inside their in a state of misery. Imagine wanting intimacy and vulnerability and simultaneously being terrified of it..my avoidant ex tried to do things after the breakup like buying conference tickets for me to attend with her. I believe she wanted FWB which is the only relationship i believe an avoidant is able to handle but i declined it's not the type of relationship that I'm interested in.
This is so spot on when it comes to trying to build a real romantic relationship with long term potential with a DA. The bottom line is they will always keep you at arms length. There may be great sex and happy moments. But they are so emotionally stunted and damaged they cannot open up, commit or be there for you in a loving relationship. Do not hold onto the hope they’ll change. They have an emotional wall a mile High and twice as thick. Life is short. Move on. Fast.
He only liked me when i left. That's the only time he missed me, of course because i wasn't there. The minute he had to compromise he got so moody. He wants me to chase him and that is just not going to happen. This situation made me feel so anxious and it was not healthy.
I won’t hold my breath. If they come back before I move on to another relationship, boundaries for communication and expectations will be set. If those aren’t met, then it’s time to move on. My time is to valuable to play games.
@@ToeKnife166 only because I believe in second chances. I agree that people rarely change. But there are those select few that do. But you’re right, if they don’t figure it out on round two, I’m out. 😂
Does an avoidant go through a honeymoon phase or love bombing at the start? He was so desperate to be with me and talk to me for a long time, although there was always a lot of conflict, then started pulling away. Now he's the person you're talking about in the video
In my experience yes they do, because they want intimacy just as much as anyone, and they tend to lovebomb because they think they have finally found the one. Be wary though, narcs are all avoidant aswell. I think the main difference between someone avoidant and a narc is the abuse that comes with a narc. I have actually started being a litle avoidant after dating so many narcissstic men, but I’m not abusive to anyone
Amazing. It happened exact same way. Now we are in the cycle again: she dumped me again just after great second honeymoon phase with ridiculous reasons and I started NC. First time I was very confused. But then I discovered accidentally the DA videos and everything was amazingly clear.
So on point. If You act like them to get more balance in being committed fairly on both sides, You feel like You need to play power games, and thats hurt if You just want healthy relationship.
This was a great video. But what would of made it perfect would of been to put a time to each phase. I'm going no contact with my ex for 2 months. She is not a full on avoidant and i think she leans anxious so i figure 2 months would be ok. But not sure. She is already looking at my stories again but not liking them after 3 weeks of NC.
What if yoy both broke up with each other due to yet another row between the two of you through something that triggers your ex GF yet again..Now these no contact for 2 days after her initiating contact and then not replying after unblocking me..?
Got broken up a month and a half ago, she was still liking my tik tok reposts and watching my stories but I have since unfollowed her. Only been 2 weeks no contact, she has added a couple songs to the playlist she made for me while we were together (I think she’s just breadcrumbing) do I just ignore it and stay strong?
@@zac6426 I would definitely ignore it. Sounds like she's trying to bait you into reaching out first. Just manipulative. She wants you to do the work and give her a nice ego boost
Stay strong. Unless she herself approach you or ask u she wants to get back together then only reply. Even in that case be laid back and match their energy
She is just not confident enough and too scared of rejection... of course she does not reach out like "hey you wanna try again" because she could be rejected and that scares her @@Beth1300
I've watched several videos on this subject. It doesn't look like any of them address the idea of the avoidant going no contact after breakup. I'm curious if that changes the dynamic of the pattern of avoidants wanting their ex back at some point. I am respecting her wishes just the same. I just wish I didn't miss her and what we had so much.
I’m screwed in this regard. My ex and I work together and we’re both nurses. So one minute we can avoid each other, the next we’re bagging a body or performing CPR on a patient side by side. Anyone out there have any tips?!? Btw, interviewing elsewhere so if get another job is the answer, I’m working on it!
You read a script well. What’s frustrating is every time you describe a stage, you give no information as to the amount of time one can expect to wait for these to occur.
Classic DA timeline: ca one month progress, ca 4 months honeymoon, then sudden break up out of the blue, ca 45 days NC (without the NC the low phase is longer) then slow reunion, then 4 months of honeymoon again etc etc.
Avoidant get full control over relationship if you decide to be with them. They put themselves first, their goals, job, hobbies, if You dont accept that, they pull away and break up with You. They expect support from You, but in their mind its being for them and you accepting them doing whatever they want. So hard to lead as a man in relationship like this. I guess its the trend with highly independent, successful but still lonely women.
I've been in that situation. Recently broke up. I became psychotic. I am not a people pleaser, but I found myself apologising for everything, even if I was the one upset for something she did.
It's crazy
This is pretty accurate. At some point dismissive avoidants "drop the mask" and when you start to complain and point things out they just ghost you. DAs are the diet coke of narcissism
Not to mention the self Sabotage1 the fault finding the cheating the line the manipelection I've been there my recent ex was A dismissive, And I knew she had childhood trauma so I treated her better than anyone I ever have 17:11
So, they are just evil people? Narcis?
So, they are just evil egomaniacs, hardcore narcis?
I have been in a torturous on and off again relationship for almost 10 years with an avoidant. They beg me back time and time again...I believed in Love...I accepted him back probably over 50 times...the last time I just couldn't. I'm now becoming fearful and avoidant of him because any time I let him on, he bails on me when I need him. When I met him he said he was looking for a deep connection and a real relationship...well 10 years later and any time it got deep he ran....I love him but I'm not in love anymore if that makes sense. The pain associated with him now is hard to ignore.
that was eye-opening thank you
All the best Eileen!
Can I ask if u have periods of no contact before he comes back? Such a bad spot anymore
I am sorry you are dealing with this my situation is a bit different but its been 13years of mental anguish for me.
I am not an expert but I feel like you need a very long period of radio silent no contact where he really thinks he lost you for him to ever possibly reflect but because he has left and you have taken him back so many times he knows he can keep doing it and thats a terrible position to be in.
I am in a similar position too my ex knows I will always be there for him (or at least he did think that I am not sure what he thinks now because I have been ignoring his breadcrumbs for 2 months and no contact for 2 months before I started really ignoring him too.
My ex never begs me back I have always caved in the past and initiated conversation with him but for the last 18months he hasn’t wanted to see me or talk anymore he just wants to be superficial casual friends now that check in once a month it seems.
If your ex begs you back maybe u can tell him u will only agree to taking him back if he will go to therapy with you?
My ex begging me to give him a chance is like a dream to me
He never broke up with me, he wants a no contact fill anxiet relationship. I already found other admirers I will find a new bf. He only loves me if I ignore him. He is weird. I want a normal secure guy.
Don't attempt to have a relationship with someone that isn't emotionally mature to handle a relationship.
They will string you along.
Don't let them play you.
Im really not sure why dissmisive avoidants even try to be in a relationship. They have no desire To compromise and give up some of what they do, But expect you to do plenty of that. It's ridiculous.
I agree, if they stay the same & never change. I never realized I was a DA (barely accepted any signs) for wayyy too long and when I deep dove into myself and avoidant styles, therapy... it crushed me. I never want to have any of those behaviors again. I was devastated. Anyway, my point being, everyone can use some work and hopefully everyone lets that ego and guard up at some point and be better.
@@RyanDainjur mad props to you. So how long has it been since you realized that and how do you see yourself now if I may? Cheers
On the outside they have lots of activity but deep inside their in a state of misery. Imagine wanting intimacy and vulnerability and simultaneously being terrified of it..my avoidant ex tried to do things after the breakup like buying conference tickets for me to attend with her. I believe she wanted FWB which is the only relationship i believe an avoidant is able to handle but i declined it's not the type of relationship that I'm interested in.
This is so spot on when it comes to trying to build a real romantic relationship with long term potential with a DA.
The bottom line is they will
always keep you at arms length. There may be great sex and happy moments. But they are so emotionally stunted and damaged they cannot open up, commit or be there for you in a loving relationship. Do not hold onto the hope they’ll change. They have an emotional wall a mile High and twice as thick. Life is short. Move on. Fast.
He only liked me when i left. That's the only time he missed me, of course because i wasn't there. The minute he had to compromise he got so moody. He wants me to chase him and that is just not going to happen. This situation made me feel so anxious and it was not healthy.
I won’t hold my breath. If they come back before I move on to another relationship, boundaries for communication and expectations will be set. If those aren’t met, then it’s time to move on. My time is to valuable to play games.
You already know that they won’t change and that they are dysfunctional in a relationship, why give the another opportunity to show you that.
@@ToeKnife166 only because I believe in second chances. I agree that people rarely change. But there are those select few that do. But you’re right, if they don’t figure it out on round two, I’m out. 😂
games backfire, just be authentic,
that way, you can move on quickly if they do not reciprocate
I am dismissive avoidant. you describe me so well. Thank you very much for this.
fuck someone over and run away, wow, they dont deserve to date
Does an avoidant go through a honeymoon phase or love bombing at the start? He was so desperate to be with me and talk to me for a long time, although there was always a lot of conflict, then started pulling away. Now he's the person you're talking about in the video
In my experience yes they do, because they want intimacy just as much as anyone, and they tend to lovebomb because they think they have finally found the one. Be wary though, narcs are all avoidant aswell. I think the main difference between someone avoidant and a narc is the abuse that comes with a narc. I have actually started being a litle avoidant after dating so many narcissstic men, but I’m not abusive to anyone
Sounds like anxious-avoidant
@@KaraKahnyep a lot of fearful avoidants are like this
Mine sure did.
Amazing. It happened exact same way. Now we are in the cycle again: she dumped me again just after great second honeymoon phase with ridiculous reasons and I started NC. First time I was very confused. But then I discovered accidentally the DA videos and everything was amazingly clear.
there is a term, actually it is "disorganized attachment" which is flipping between anxious and avoidant.
ooooh now that sounds interesting
So on point. If You act like them to get more balance in being committed fairly on both sides, You feel like You need to play power games, and thats hurt if You just want healthy relationship.
such a good way of putting it, they just ran out of tools,
they reached a level and did not know how to proceed,
that is why avoidants need space.
a heart from an avoidant does not mean anything, maybe, are you open for business?
This was a great video. But what would of made it perfect would of been to put a time to each phase. I'm going no contact with my ex for 2 months. She is not a full on avoidant and i think she leans anxious so i figure 2 months would be ok. But not sure. She is already looking at my stories again but not liking them after 3 weeks of NC.
What if yoy both broke up with each other due to yet another row between the two of you through something that triggers your ex GF yet again..Now these no contact for 2 days after her initiating contact and then not replying after unblocking me..?
Superb! Subbed.
Got broken up a month and a half ago, she was still liking my tik tok reposts and watching my stories but I have since unfollowed her. Only been 2 weeks no contact, she has added a couple songs to the playlist she made for me while we were together (I think she’s just breadcrumbing) do I just ignore it and stay strong?
Ik i shouldn’t be looking at her Spotify still but I am struggling to stay away from it I am ngl
@@zac6426 I would definitely ignore it. Sounds like she's trying to bait you into reaching out first. Just manipulative. She wants you to do the work and give her a nice ego boost
I would definitely stay strong and only react to a DM, no indirect communication.
Stay strong. Unless she herself approach you or ask u she wants to get back together then only reply.
Even in that case be laid back and match their energy
She is just not confident enough and too scared of rejection... of course she does not reach out like "hey you wanna try again" because she could be rejected and that scares her @@Beth1300
I've watched several videos on this subject. It doesn't look like any of them address the idea of the avoidant going no contact after breakup. I'm curious if that changes the dynamic of the pattern of avoidants wanting their ex back at some point. I am respecting her wishes just the same. I just wish I didn't miss her and what we had so much.
Update?
I’m screwed in this regard. My ex and I work together and we’re both nurses. So one minute we can avoid each other, the next we’re bagging a body or performing CPR on a patient side by side. Anyone out there have any tips?!? Btw, interviewing elsewhere so if get another job is the answer, I’m working on it!
My avoidant doesn't reach out until something goes wrong in her/our house and needs me to fix it or she needs money. Lol
No
You read a script well. What’s frustrating is every time you describe a stage, you give no information as to the amount of time one can expect to wait for these to occur.
Every situation is different
Classic DA timeline: ca one month progress, ca 4 months honeymoon, then sudden break up out of the blue, ca 45 days NC (without the NC the low phase is longer) then slow reunion, then 4 months of honeymoon again etc etc.
Please don’t waiste your time on these kind of people look for someone who will respect you and treat you equally
Anxious people need codependent relationships - not interdependent relationships
What is this woman talking about! Thats not going NC with an avoidant! Lol
…howso? Seems pretty spot on to me