You are helping me so much throughout my journey! Thank you so much! I grew up in so much chaos, focussed on my studies, and left the house and moved overseas at 24. I finally opened my heart to love and just attracted the worst people for me. I stopped drinking a year ago and have just been focusing on myself. I am 27 now, single and not looking, just healing and watching your content. Thank you so much for putting into words something which is extremely hard to explain, even to oneself :)
I'm living proof of that. I'm 63, have healed some things, but still parenting two girls with cPTSD who are just too afraid to hear how to be healthy. Especially the oldest, as she ALWAYS thinks she can't be alone and survive because she CAN'T do it on her own. The youngest has numerous issues and needs education and training, but school teachers were traumatizing and she's been unable to get the right resources for help. I was a critical care RN that became very I'll and disabled (single mom) without family to help. Youngest is trying more than oldest, who has had many bad relationships and still in the midst of a mess. Thank you for your videos. I use them in our conversations and it has helped - just moves VERY slowly this way.
You are right. During a toxic 'half' relationship, within the first two months I had shingles, a kidney infection and I developed an eating disorder for the first time in my life. I had the eating disorder for 5 years Even strangers would ask me why i wasn't eating. I was in my early forties at the time. When I finally cut him out, my eating disorder went away. I am still working on the profound trauma from childhood though..
@@ThesySurface i get you, im more interested in examining and fixing why i let this person is my life. Its important for me to do this, getting myself together on the outside is easier than fixing myself on the inside. I definitely don’t want to go through this again.
I’ve been isolating for two years now and working on myself in trauma therapy full time. When people say isolating is bad, it always rubs me the wrong way. I think most people could deal with one or two years of extreme isolating and introspecting. 💜
I feel the same. I'm isolated by need for 2y. I have to focus on my healing and then, when I will be stronger, I will meet again. It takes the time it takes but now I moving safely Thx fairy Anna for all you bring to us ❤️
personally i did that while i was still in my marriage , then just dated for 7 yrs. i thought i would be in a healthy relationship after taking very expensive classes but no i have a different mind set but narcistic men still pop into my life, the current one just started showing his fangs so gotta do some planning and action!
agreed. I stopped biting my nails at 39 years of age, after a three-month "inner pilgrimage". No TV, no smartphone, no people. Just my dog and I, journaling and frequent walks in nature. Stopping biting my nails wasn't a specific goal of this purposeful isolation period. Instead, it was an accidental positive result. My hands had been a huge source of shame, guilt and low self-steem all of my life. Now I don't need to hide them any more.
Yeah, women definitely need to heal their wounds before they jump into bed OR a relationship with another man. If you don’t, you WILL hurt the next guy(and yourself more). Guaranteed. I see it all the time. But people get so infatuated with their LUST/emotions for someone (which is stupid) instead of looking at their character. If you ladies make relationship/s3x decisions based on your emotions…that’s the VERY SAME THING as a man “thinking with his little head”. NOT smart. Following emotions is what immature children do before they grow wise.
I've spent my whole adult life fantasizing about a good relationship. When I'm with a man, I daydream about how he proudly introduces me to his friends and family, being invited to the bbq's, sometimes I talk out loud and imagine his responses. I receive bread crumbs and take it as a sign that I'm almost there, on the edge of finally getting what I want. Even when I was young and received as an attractive female, having good looks only got me men that became sexually obsessed. That was the height of my success with men. Well, I just recently ended a casual relationship. He showed up at my door, promising to finally stay the night instead of making excuses as to why he always had to jet out the door as soon as he got his sex from me. I told him nope, too late, I've lost interest. It felt so good to close the door on him without letting him get a word in edgewise. I didn't yell, didn't slam the door, I just did it. As soon as I did, I knew I'm finally on my way to turning on my "cab light" to attract something better. I'm lonely and afraid I'm too old now to attract a man. Yet at the same time I feel a strange confidence. I think these videos, the Daily Practice, and some therapy will really help me get there.
i can totally relate to you i'm in the same situation, been there and once you lower your standards with men it ends up somehow harming us in the end. Keep those standards up and the right one will cross your path eventually, in the meantime, live your life with passion and joy, focus on doing things that add to your life and personal growth. sending you good energy from Canada
@@GuidetteExpert Can you please explain why you say "Not true" ? I'd like to know if you went into a relationship soon after leaving another relationship.
True that. I have been falling for this one so many times, like my mind has a mind of it's own and I feel angry at myself for losing my consciousness AGAIN. As if I am on autopilot. I don't seem to think anymore.
Hanging onto a bad relationship (FWB; situation-ship) is a placeholder ~blocking~ space for _healthier_ future relationships. Like a junky garage -> can’t park a nice new car. 💔❤️
Attracting is one thing..... entertaining is something else..... If you are a bright light and amazing person.... almost everyone will be attracted to you......healing makes you only entertain the ppl who you should be with
Yeah I normally leave fairly quickly cause I’m very sensitive to toxicity. However I never met someone both heathy and I felt attractive(had chemistry) 😢
This is blessing and a total curse. Gift of discernment is so important when you are a bright light to know whos genuine and whos worthy of your reciprocation
I like how she emphasizes fantasy relationships and "spacing out". After years I realized that was so detrimental to my mental health and I hadn't thought healthy people could tell the difference
omg...i finally have a label for past behavior with a guy i met when i was 18!!! i also have a weird unconscious thing i do where i attract guys that remind me of a few different rock singers i have "schoolgirl crushes" on...i would be 75% attracted to a boyfriend and then use my imagination pretending they were one of the singers they resembled, and that's how i stayed in a relationship sometimes - whoa! 😲
What hides your light? Being in a bad relationship. Not being truly available. Addictions, porn, anger, drama, conflict, romantic energy leaking to others in casual relationship, for example.
@@mikejohnson2098yeah sometimes people invest romantic energy into platonic connections where the romantic energy is not reciprocated, thus your reserves go empty and problems arise, like more isolation, fear, etc.
Recently the bus-driver who was wayyy behind schedule was very angry with me for crossing the street to his bus to get out of the rain. He scolded me and for the first time, I tried NOT getting angry back. "I know, it's frustrating being so far behind schedule. I've been waiting for you on the other side for your return trip. I'm sorry that there's so much construction going on on your route - it's not always like this." We didn't become the best of friends, but I see him often (in the bus) and we greet each other civilly. His frustration hadn't anything to do with me and I needn't have reacted in kind. I don't think that he wanted to get angry at me when he started his day. Had I gotten angry in kind, well, I'd have to sit down and recover from being angry. The other passengers would have seen me as an angry person, which I'm not and, yeah, it would have scared them.
@@howardcohen6817 good catch on your part, recognizing the driver was just having a crappy day and his irritation with you was just the final straw of his patience. He'll likely always remember that you were kind to him when he was at his worst.
@@howardcohen6817 Interesting. I was at the grocery store and wanted to buy half a cabbage. The produce man was right there with the cart, stocking things. I asked if he could cut a cabbage for me. He snapped “no halves!” I looked at him, annoyed, but didn’t say anything, and turned back to the cabbages. Then he said he’d do it. Idk if he thought I’d complain to the manager, or he just realized he was wrong. I asked why he reconsidered, but he didn’t respond.
I think in today's world it's really hard to find someone single who isn't hanging onto at least one ex-lover as a 'friend.' I'm not talking about two people who share a child/children and need to maintain friendly contact for the well-being of the kids. I'm talking about people who want to continue to share closeness, comfort and emotional intimacy with his or her ex-partner and rebrand it as 'just friends' - as if it is irrelevant that their closeness was established withen the context of a romantic/sexual relationship - while developing a new relationship at the same time. It's become so normalized and we keep being told it's 'healthy' despite the fact it usually causes problems in any new relationship. Problems that are, of course, attributed to the new partner's 'jealousy' and 'insecurity' rather than the fact that the whole situation is inherently strange and disrespectful to the new partner/relationship. There are even dating coaches here on TH-cam that encourage you to be cool with a potential partner who hangs out with his (or her) ex-lovers/spouses...
Hi Suzy! Totally fair/valid points, can be very disheartening and demoralising. Though, I do think there are alot of amazing people (on a healthy wavelength) that have their 'cab light on'. I think with dating, in a healthy/clear frame of mind, and taking the time to get to know someone, we can pick up on the nuances (sometimes overt) earlier on if there is a lingering ex, and move on from those who are emotionally unavailable for this reason. As Anna has mentioned previously in other videos, healing and doing the 'inner work' helps us to attract healthier people and to discern whether someone is a healthy fit for us. Without the healing, we may have pockets of low self esteem that blind us to these red flags and keep us holding on to someone who is not right for us. I'm slowly learning to steer clear of these types. Anyway, I feel your frustration and thank you for sharing your insight
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. Just dumped a dude who was weirdly intimate or had kissed/some stuff with all his female friends, and he called me insecure for being upset!
I am the one of the rare people who do not keep in touch with any past people. Nothing at all. I was in a bad stage back then and do not want this energy again. And even If I was in a good place, still don’t wAnt the past
I suspected a lot that you said already. That even if you think it's private, that it's within you, it changes your energy, and healthy people have a sixth sense to pick it up. Thank you so much for what you do.
My ex is painfully addicted to porn and cam girls and it quite literally broke my spirit and my self esteem. But I didn't realize I was broken and emotionally paralyzed until the delusion fell away and I had already changed everything about myself into what I thought he wanted from a girlfriend. We lived together in my home and I literally couldn't step away from him for longer than it would take to go wash my face or grab a snack from the fridge. My mind was constantly focused on how he was looking at and talking to other women online. At one point he even had several dating apps. I couldn't sleep or eat, I lost 27 pounds. I can't even believe I have the courage to type this, but this channel has finally encouraged me to start going no contact with him and start living my own life. I don't want his addiction and lifestyle and negativity to stop me from having a fulfilling life any longer. Thank you so much for these videos, I was referred here by my mother, who experienced several relationships like my last one, with cheating and addiction. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now even though I know I need to continue to work on my codependency and boundaries.
I have been there. You can NOT negotiate this on your terms. You need to get away from him. Don't waste years waiting for HIM to change. Claim your power and dignity and rediscover yourself again. Godspeed.
Mantra: My Divine Partner Now; it isn’t him. He’s broken and unfit for a relationship. Just cut him loose, like ripping off the bandaid just do it. You are looking for something he doesn’t have to give. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. The sooner he is gone the sooner you meet the right one.
summary: take care of yourself; dont let TV or spacing out take up all your spare time; dont self isolate; dont be overbusy (too much time at work? overbusy in solitary pursuits?); dont be in a bad relationship; addictions, drugs, alcohol, porn; carrying a lot of anger; having a lot of drama or conflict; dont be emotionally bonded to your ex; be free of past relationships. I am not sure what "spacing out" means (being alone and fantasizing instead of healthy self-reflection? not being "present" when you are with someone?)
I was blinded for 23 years yet everyone around me could see what was happening....thank God I woke up to this and left, AND put up and reinforced BOUNDARIES....
I’m 52 and I’m finally figuring out why I decided to stop dating years ago, as well as, why I’m not compatible with the guys I tried to date all these decades. Thank you for this.
I have been single for ten years now and it hasn't done me any good. I am tired of it and I think inside myself I have given up. I have gotten used to being without someone even though it hurts like hell everyday is hard. The only good thing I have finally accepted after 35 years of pain is that there is nothing wrong with me!!!!
If you do decide to date again I would strongly suggest you take Anna’s dating course before you start. I was single for ten years and like you sick of it. I ended up getting entrapped by a toxic narcissist and didn’t see any of the signs as I was just so relieved to finally have someone.
@@sherriann674 thank you for your kind words Sherri Ann 😇. I have a lot of soul searching to do and will consider taking the dating course. I am just glad to have discovered that I have childhood PTSD and can now finally understand why nothing has ever worked in my life 😁 sending you lots of gratitude and best wishes 🌟
Hey if you ever do take it. I don’t mind taking it withyou. I’ve been single for 10 yrs but 6 years of those I’m in a situationship which ended 2 years ago. I got ghosted. Now I’m lost in between space and not ready to date yet until I fully healed.
If you have given up people pick up on that. Your interactions aren't fun, and happy. They are probably monotone and don't care. Why not try meetup groups in your area. You can meet people with same interests, and the pressure is off. Just practice interacting in a group setting. So when you want to attract someone, then your skills are better at chatting and interacting.
I started listening and watching your videos thinking that I could help my granddaughter who is 14 and living with me. She had come from her mom's house and had been abused and neglected for at least the last 7 years. And of course this is a generational curse for us. My mom beat me, I beat my daughter, and my daughter be my granddaughter and I want to stop it. There will be no more of it in our family. I have learned so much about myself through listening to you and I'm 66 years old. I really was messed up when I got out of high school with unsuccessful jobs, relationships, and friendships. I was a very angry aggressive person. I spent 10 years in the psychologist and psychiatrist office and with group therapy which I believe helped the most. I did go on to have a successful career as a nurse and am now retired. But I find myself raising my 14 year old granddaughter. She does see a therapist and the therapist sees me as well and then we see the therapist together. She has improved greatly in the last year since she came to live with me. But I am of the opinion that you can never do too much self work! I want to thank you for your videos❤
My cab light is very bright, I feel it and it also shows. I'm experiencing my feminine self and I love it. Watching for those triggers and revamping into overriding them. Letting them dissolve and peacefully go away. I feel my heart open up to heathy people and environments. I don't ignore red flags and also not quick to judge, but when I'm alert to my own need to change course with myself or others I'm not afraid to be pro-active. Sometimes there is loss but better now than later. Also, I don't have to run and hide or remove myself from something I love. I move through the awkwardness and get to the other side. I don't have to run anymore. I say no if I know triggers may come as the result of a request. Getting to know myself is a great safety net. And self care. Also being aware of others feelings, not overthinking or rushing to conclusions. Alert to fantasy and limerence, like a remote I can change the channel. It feels good for my mind to slow down not let panic and anxiety win the day. For me bread crumbs aren't an acceptable diet, wither in friendship or romance. Others still don't see me, but less often now and I don't care, I'm comfortable with myself and able to handle when I am alone in a crowd. I make a way to avoid triggers, not being too early and removing myself from something uncomfortable, just ways to success and self care. I'm not afraid to look pretty consistently and have a quiet confidence.
@@cloustons I began in 2019 when I met a narcissistic man at the library. He just wanted a friendship which I didn't understand. He said odd things so I began researching and found out about covert narcissism. He reminded me of my absent father, he was strange. But I didn't understand strange since I had no voice when I was younger. After ten months of the so called friendship he discarded me, but I was ready. He did weird things also at times. This experience brought me up to date on my issues of abandonment and neglect. So my journey has brought me much healing and confidence. I still struggle with loneliness, limerence, etc.but still learning and a much more confident whole person. I save myself from suffering with the knowledge I now have and figure out men much sooner. I have an inner Joy because of my faith in Jesus.
I’m surprised to not have seen this really mentioned on your channel, but I’ve had the opposite problem. when I began entering relationships (since moving out of my toxic family) I was more often than not the more abusive and hurtful partner. I met several people who were kind and supportive of me, but I would inevitably return to behaviors that were detrimental to the relationship. It took until I was 23 to recognize the pattern and put a stop to it. It was a rough awakening realizing that I had never really witnessed my parents nor any two family members exhibit and maintain a healthy and communicative relationship. Without that model, it can be quite challenging for CTPSD sufferers.
Your story make me think of my friend. She did not like when i told her but at the same time saw what i meant. I feel this too, in situations where I should say "ok, this is clearly not working" and just leave, I stay and keep on fighting... So im putting others through hell because I can't let go 🤷♀️ waking up to the problem is the first step, now i want to learn how to get it right from start
@@natliekla Oh men you are telling my relationship story... After 3 different relationships where i can not let go, i'm finally waking up to the fact that i'm the problem.... :( I had parents that communicated really badly with me and eachother. And i need to set good communication as one of the neccessities of my next good relationship. But i keep coming back to woman that suck at it :(
I’ve noticed this too! I would like to attract healthy people to model appropriate behaviors, so I can learn how healthy people respond. The conundrum is I need to portray these healthy responses to keep these healthy people in my life long enough to learn from them…
Luckily at 23 you have lots of time to start over with lessons learned for a hopefully better outcome next time. Wait until YOU are READY to start re-planning YOUR LIFE and on someone's else's timetable and needs. You will KNOW when you are READY to START AGAIN!! YOU WILL FEEL READY AND IT FEELS RIGHT!! Start SLOW so you don't crash and burn again. Good Luck! 👍
How introspective and smart of you to wake up to it. This looks like the other side of a coin. And the self awareness is probably the only way to heal it.
Once I met a guy and he started gaslighting on the first date… 😳 It took me 24 hours to realise what‘s happened and I „broke“ before it really started. But… it took me one week to recover from this date. In the end I‘m happy, that I realised the red flags so early.
He sounds toxic. What did he do? When i see someone trying to gaslight me first conversation it's so weird but we are protected some people don't see it until it's too late
I just broke up with someone that i knew was not the right person for me as we both had too much childhood trauma that kept on being aggravated by the other. We also have certain fundamental beliefs that were not aligned that i felt that i would need to compromise on if we decided to continue the relationship. I had a lot if trouble letting this relationship go because i was scared to be alone again and i just didn’t want to deal with the heartache. Watching this made me feel very hopeful of my future because I’m looking forward to my healing journey. :)
Its such a blessing when you realise someone is not treating you well because if you can leave, just get up and leave before it gets really bad. Freedom happens as soon as its over.
Here comes the Fairy with another great video. Thank you Fairy. I'd like to add that physical and mental clutter also dim the cab light. We all probably know that mental fog is reflected in our outter environment and vice versa and that messiness, in my experience, comes out in our work and relationships. It steals a lot of good energy, light and joy.
@@Captain_MonsterFart So am I. It isn't easy but it's possible. I encourage you to try one surface at a time. Wishing you all the love, light and success.
The FLY Lady offers a deeply compassionate, practical approach to getting started and getting finished, and lots of hope. I'm curious to know what you think about her work!
I tell men that I am taking resumes. I have CPTSD from severe childhood abuse but I am also almost healed about as much as possible and ready for real love.
This is so on point!!! I failed constantly and thought that could change the wrong kind of men who had substance abuse issues and different goals/values. The problem was that I had low self esteem and wasn’t happy on my own. Have been single and focused on healing and creating my own happiness/life of my dreams for 3.5 years now and my life’s been so peaceful. I eventually found a great church and it’s so beautiful to finally be around men who respect me as a person, share the same values, and that I can talk to without them hitting on me.
Bad relationships ruin your good looks. I'm someone who tends to like keeping exes and that could be why I've been struggling to find the right guy. Thank you for this video.
I had a therapist actually criticize my intent to stay single for at least a certain amount of time while I’m dedicated to figuring a lot of this stuff out. He was concerned that I would miss out on the opportunity to be with my right person by not being open to dating. But I really think that there are times it is appropriate to turn off the cab light and spend some time in the shop.
Dear Anna, I will admit this one was so hard for me to hear. I feel so far from eliminating the habits that dim my "cab light" but I am so grateful to you for continuing to show us the truth of how we can find our way to connection. Love from Los Angeles.
This actually explains a lot about why unhealed people with (c)ptsd have relationships, and it shed a light on why I cannot have one. I've been carrying around my injure expecting to have compassion from the other person. I will heal that part, and I will also wil isolate less. Thanks a lot.
You attract people. Or you seattle for. Or they are attracted to you. Or they groom you. Or you a lonely and they are offering comfort. There is a lot of ways you get stuck in something with someone. When you can not stand the 4 walls of your own mind the company of others offer's relief. At a price.
My whole life ive attracted unavail men and i know why after 20 yrs of therapy. I am ready for love with a bright cab light. My boundaries are clear now no more imagination rships ❤
After 10 years of romantically isolating, a fell limerent for a woman that spent nine months pursuing me. I liked the attention, but overlooked some red flags in both of us. I was fantasizing about having a real partner, but they had a habit of negging the success of my friends. I kept trying to brush it off, but eventually they resorted to attacking the character of one of my close friends, and when i mentioned that it hurt me and why, they told me that I shouldn't take everything anyone says personally and that she is entitled to her opinion. So my limerence was POPPED in that moment and I ended it. We had a lot in common, and I felt close to sharing my life in a long time, but envy, negativity, and condescension are definitely dealbreakers. I feel a little bad I got limerent, but at least I wasn't mean.
What you said resonates with me. But do you think it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy? In that instead of taking self-accountability head on, we tend to blame the ‘timing’ as a means to slow down or not be all out in our search.
It is so true about attachments and addictions keeping your energy unavailable, I am trying my best to break these cycles. Thank you for your work it means so much ❤️
Have you guys seen Melanie tonia evans channel? I’ve been using her program with some success reversing chronic health issues as a result from narcisstic abuse and childhood cptsd
@@I3rittanyLynne I’ve been watching videos for several years and going to therapy for one year, besides my medical doctors, chiropractor, and doing yoga. There’s lots of good information out there that was never available before. I’ve had thyroid issues for 36 years and autoimmune for 22 years. It took a long time to even know what to look for and how all things were connected.
@Deana Jones BEWARE of trolling narcissist conmen with handsome(?) pictures & 2 first names... They prey on vulnerable woman with challenging lives & CPTSD issues. I caution you, from EXPERIENCE & LOSS to these predators! One hit on you below... I can see them from a mile away now! ❤️🙏❤️
At the beginning you mentioned that these ideas can apply to other relationships like friendship and work. I’d be interested in a follow up going into detail re work relationships, mentoring and jobs. How do we “brighten our cab light” to connect with and/or attract heathy workplaces, coworkers, good bosses, etc, and get out of or avoid the unhealthy versions?
By healing, getting rid of the resentment and the fears we have about relationships. Lots of courses to support this process, including a free course, on the website :) -Cara@TeamFairy
You can opt out of intimate relationships and work on yourself in a way that is much more difficult if not impossible in a work/employment/career context. Abusers at work take huge advantage of their power because often you *can't* leave them so easily and still pay rent, eat, etc. I would also like to see more work-related videos.
me too. I ve this issues with friendships. I am really worried about it. It seems to me i cannot see if the friend is good to me or not. So i feel blind. and then about sth happened, i cannot discern if that is ok or not. So i feel in a mood of loliness, continuing disappointment, some friends leave me behind after some years of friendship and i don t know why. also i don t feel they admire me, i understand this is important in a relationship. i don t know i go to therapy but this is still so treaky for me
Ahhh it's like you can describe my life perfectly, relate so much to your videos. You've finally given me the courage to help my cab light shine a little brighter. I've respectfully ended contact with 2 exes and focusing on my life and my healing. Just need to get back on my feet and then not isolate as much either. Thanks for all your work🤗
Hello Anna! Wish I’d known all of this when I was young. I’ve learned a wealth of knowledge from you. All people should take note of this valuable wisdom.
This is a damaged person's projection fantasy of how "healthy" people present themselves. Actual healthy people aren't afraid to bring their anger and sadness out. They don't edit themselves to appear a certain way for the purpose of attracting someone. They're ok with their whole range of feelings, and there's also plenty of room for others feelings, and people around them feel comfortable by that.
I agree. Some good points in this about who we are matters, but nobody is perfect. Nobody is without issues. I think I’m looking for how someone becomes vulnerable with a potential life partner. How they manage the negatives that life throws at us all.
Agreed. I like to think I'm a very perceptive person, but if I see an attractive stranger, I'm focused on that and learning more about them, not what supposed "energy" they're giving that tells me they must be too close with an ex. The most accurate point she made was that isolating will, by default, keep your "cab light" off in the sense that it's literally preventing you from meeting anyone.
Each one of us may be damaged in one way or another. Vulnerability and understanding are the keys to dealing successfully with different issues that can destroy relationships. Trust and mutual support will definitely help the relationship last. It is very important to help each other heal first before embarking on a serious relationship.
Ana, thank you- I’m in the process of breaking off a four year toxic relationship. I lost a lot of weight, and really felt like I lost my good looks. Now that I’m single and gaining space (and myself) again, I see my good looks and “sparkle” coming back. Thank you so much for the wonderful work you do and the validation you’ve helped given those of us on a healing path.
Everyone says that "walks in nature" is good for emotional self-regulation, etc. But I recently realized (on my own) that, when walking in nature, I need to be present (in the moment) and not ruminating (rehearsing past or future events). I try to notice the leaves, trees, sound of water, sunlight, sky, etc.
Thank you so much for these videos. They have helped change my life. I have lost most of my adult life to relationships either with horrifically abusive men or men who didn’t even want me. My last relationship was essentially me dating my neglectful narcissistic mother. Now in my 40s I don’t know if it is too late to have the life I want but dammit I want healthy, happy and functioning so bad….
@@Alphacentauri819 I completely agree with you! You seem quite self aware and compassionate towards your own story and healing. It sounds like you are treating yourself the way you always deserved. My God, 40s are the best are they not! I have found growth, compassion and self-satisfaction I never knew existed. Still working on the self talk. I read somewhere the inner critic is actually our mother's voice, which ::cringe:: is actually a terrifying enough analogy to force change. Hugs to you
@@Alphacentauri819 That's beautiful, Enigma. I'd like to add that thinking that getting to know something about yourself gets a good relationship. It's better to concentrate on changing aspects about yourself to be more honest - has value for intrinsic reasons. You're better off without the narc-man and you know this, A. There's nothing a narc-man can offer you which can compare with enjoying being alive. Wishing both of you love and a kind, loving and patient inner voice.
Thank you so so so so much. People who didn't face abandonment or abuse in childhood can't undestand this. I've heard and read a lot about relationship but NEVER like this. ❤ Feels so good to hear you. I feel undestood.
This helps my psychological progress. Unfortunately I live in a rual area and the dating pool is super small. Sometimes it's not just your mental space that keeps you from finding love!
You are a lovely lady who seems like she really cares about helping people find the love kind of love they deserve. Thank you for your wonderful sense of service and compassion. I'm touched xx
I needed this like a month ago but thank you so much for sharing this video. I can move forward into a better relationship free, clear, and letting go of the past. 💜
When I started a relationship with my ex I was 34, I had never been in a long term relationship because my parents pushed me to study and to work. I had started dating after 30 but because I was very youngish looking men would treat me very nicely at first and then would make snarky remarks about IVF when they found what was my age. Men would assume that because I was single in my 30s and good looking, that I was sleeping around when I was not looking for casual sex and I was too naive and inexperienced in relationships. I wanted my only long term relationship to work, and I truly loved him, but he wasn't ready to compromise with anything. I wouldn't compromise with living with his mother when both he and I have our own apartments. So that relationship ended for real 5 months ago and now I am a 39 years old single woman and I don't want to die childless. I have always wanted to have a family. I have pushed people away because of my social anxiety.
You deserve to be a parent and when you decide how to do so it will happen for you. Write down your resentments and fears and exactly what you need and want. Study it.
After suffering 50 years of childhood PTSD without a clue as to the reason for my dysfunctions...the critical event was revealed. Breakdowns, therapy, self-help all have led to a near complete recovery of a healthy ego, and outlook on life. One looming draw to the sorrows of the past is a continuing absence of companionship. The will to go forward falters: go alone? Why bother? My 'cab light' was damaged long ago. It is now fixed; yet only seems to shine enough to confuse. It takes forever for people to see the beauty in me. I am still reluctant to take the chance and show it. Rejection. Abandonment. These are not easy to heal. "Healing the hurts that dim your light." Agreed. I have isolated my entire adult life. "Unhealed people might not be able to tell the difference (and we attract those!) but healthy people can tell pretty quickly, and they're not attracted." Bingo. "Mostly healed". I am at the goal. Subscribed. Rarely, until now, have I had the courage to believe in myself. Returning to work after a week off, wearing good fitting clothes, taking pride in my appearance, shining my cab light brighter than usual - everyone noticed and commented. It felt good. In contrast, I used to deny attention. Once, on a ski weekend bus trip, I looked the part completely. Many came up to me to chat...and quickly faded away: I had no cab light to share. Thank you for this video. I will watch more soon.
Well, when you are a person like me (ugly and disabled) where your whole life felt ignored by the opposite sex, you take who ever shows insterest. And yes, I live my relationships in the present, "while they last" because at least I am happy to be in one, something I never imagined I could have.
I personally don't trust my own judgement in the moment. I do trust my judgement over the long term (I have time to think, plan, and analyze). So I create SOPs (workflows) for everything that has long term ramifications. Then, I trust those SOPs COMPLETELY & ABSOLUTELY, no exceptions 1) Choosing a partner: I have criteria that must be met, criteria that is a dealbreaker, and I have a process for rapidly evaluating those criteria. If the criteria isn't met, it doesn't matter how I feel about the person. It is immediate game over. I have zero say and zero power over changing a "game over" result 2) Dealing with interpersonal relations: I have canned de-escalatory & leaving the situation phrases, criteria to determine if the relationship needs to be terminated (or can be fixed), and a process to repair the rupture OR to rapidly isolate then remove someone from my life. I have zero say and zero power over if the relationship is terminated or how that process is conducted 3) Life planning: I have a timeline of benchmarks to meet by specific dates, the steps I need to meet those benchmarks, and the steps I need to take if those benchmarks are not met. I have zero say and zero power over my life trajectory Now when I say "I have zero say and zero power" I mean, me, in the present, right this instant, has zero say and zero power. The person with complete and total control over my life is the version of myself from the past. That person thoughtfully considered what he wanted from life, what he didn't want, and then created a plan for me to make that happen.
Thank you, your videos have been so helpful in understanding my partner w CPTSD who left the relationship. I had a tough childhood too but farther along in my recovery. Now that I’ve got to be on my own again, this is super helpful going forward. x
Wow you explained my Romantic life to a tee, alone or in a bad relationship. I think I’ve learned a lot in the last two years and im a mother now so it’s even more important than ever to be in a healthy relationship for my child. Unfortunately his father is soooo behind on the healing and healthy relationship so it’s a lot of weight on my shoulders but I’m excited to slowly get out there and date again ( with guard rails of course). Thank you
Great explanation!!! I gained a lot of weight in my bad relationship. Not fat but just more bloated looking. Once I got out I had the motivation to drink way less and work out way more. Yes! You look so much better after you get out. One of my exes- a nice one lol- we are kind of friends now and she told me I look so much friendlier and softer now that I am on my healing journey. And it’s definitely a journey! Doesn’t happen over night. Expect to be healing for at least a year-if not more! Truly believe soon I will find someone correct for me, just not quite ready yet!
I read these comments and I cant help but think how lonely everyone is and feels. I can feel the pain of each person that comments here. I was in a situationship with someone where our whole catch phrase was how we are no longer alone now that we have eachother. Until he became hot&cold and ended up telling me that I am just a friend. It doesnt get any lonelier than that and I have lost all hope. I feel like I lost all my light and it s no one else s fault but mine.
Cab light ! So brilliant! I do believe those cab lights have colors with different meanings. I watched my sister pick up on countless relationships with physically and emotionally abusive men and then wheep about it when it ended A army of do-gooder women, and “save the abused foundations “rush to her help, Her choices kept others employed or volunteering but she was just habitual in these relationships never educated .Now I know what I witnessed and called “her signal “was actually an “ open to light” for behaviors she would tolerate just to have a man.Put the right color on and you’ll get a certain insect for sure
never been in any relationship. naturally shy and being born into a so-called family that was a toxic waste dump and then having one-sided "friendships" with kids in school who were nothing but demeaning and exploitative which i accepted for way too long cause that's all i ever knew and figured that was just the way life was made me withdraw even further to the point of total isolation. was involuntarily committed a few times many years ago, saw "therapists" for about ten years after that and for the past twenty just been taking meds and going around in solitary circles. not sure what people see when they see me but i definitely don't smile and always have my guard up.
this is exactly the relationship i had for the past year and 3 months. we lived in different states and occasionally met and it was exactly as she described, the first couple days would be great and then he just detached and the vibe would just turn for the worst for the rest of the stay. and every time we visited each other, I had to do all of the planning because if I didn’t we would have just stayed in the whole day. and even when we went somewhere, like a botanical garden or just out walking, he was so silent and it felt like i was a burden to him. i had to go to the bathroom just so i wouldn’t burst in tears in front of him. he also abused weed and used it as a way to dissociate, he says it’s the only way he knows how to solve problems in addition to retreating and going quiet. when we weren’t together and it was LDR, I would do all the calling and he never initiated it, he would text more frequently but it wasn’t the same. it got to the point where we couldn’t be in a call for more than 30 minutes because he would just go silent. it was so hurtful. And it would finally get to the point where (after putting up for it for a couple weeks) I would finally bring up what I was feeling and any time we had this happen where I would express to him very calmly how I felt, he ended it. his go-to was to call it and breakup, we never had a single argument with a resolution because he would bring up separating before we could get to that point. I was devastated but every time it was less and less because I saw it coming. it was such a painful push and pull cycle and we broke up four times until i realized just what was happening. there was a moment when we were in the car silent, I was looking out the window trying to think of what to say (I would carry all the conversations and he rarely initiated) and then I realized how this was so reminiscent of the dynamic I have with my own dad. We rarely ever talk and car rides between us is usually in complete silence. Once I had this realization it’s like the blindfold I was wearing finally came off and I saw the situation for how it really was. I was trying to win the affection of someone who wasn’t available in the same way I would try to get validation and approval from my dad it when I was a kid. He also was a workaholic and self employed, rarely having time for his family and never being emotionally available for me. he was also emotionally and physically abusive and used to drink heavily during my childhood. it’s like I was trying to recreate the whole situation all over again in hopes that this time would be different. it wasn’t. although we aren’t together anymore there are still moments where i remember the good times, because it wasn’t all horrible. he was sweet at times, being around him physically was peaceful and he was always respectful of me and would open doors for me/pay expenses for both of us, and never pressured me / made sure I was always comfortable when we were together. i think back to those moments where we would be together and it felt like it was meant to be, and just wish things and circumstances could have been different, but they’re not. i’m not angry at him nor do I think I ever could be, at this point i just genuinely wish the best for him and i want him to be happy and find his peace. there are times when i questioned if we were truly in love with each other, but i do believe that i truly loved him (and still do, unconditionally). it’s a bittersweet feeling. but i am relieved to finally be out of that relationship, it feels like im alive again and rediscovering myself because i truly became a shell of myself when I was with him. thank you for your videos, i found them back when i was in this “relationship” (if you can even call it that) and these stories resonate so much with me.
All good advice. But it you do the math on the percentage of aware/healthy people coupled with general attractiveness (on both sides) age appropriateness, geographic location, kids from prior relationships, financial health also, and the ability of both potential partners to negotiate all of the above in good faith, chances are slim for most of us that we will locate and attract that great partner.
I sometimes feel paranoid healthy people will not be attracted to me, self harm scars, no work, talents, but no money, looks for an old bird :) I just wonder if positive people would look twice at me.
I didn't experience any of those things as a child growing up! I have however experienced the kind of relationships. Not carrying around child hood trauma, just seriously wrong choices , trusting , being manipulated as a young adult, as a middle aged adult, into my 50's. Been single now for 9 yrs.
One of the huge things people look for is that the other person financially has their life together. I was looking for low crime places to live today and Issaquah, WA looked pretty good for a city where an average person could live. That is until I checked the prices of the cheapest one bedroom apartments and there was nothing below $1,800 per month, and they all wanted proof of three times that income (which full time is $31.15/hour). That is the rock bottom income required to live within 25 miles of Seattle in a place that isn't choked with drugs and crime. Being financially stable is extremely difficult to pull off now and every year it gets worse. Low income people can shack up to split the bills but signing a one year lease with someone on the gamble this relationship will work (when all the others failed) is a massively stupid gamble with terrible consequences when it fails (and it will). I am not implying that people need money to spend on things to keep the relationship going but that both people need to maintain the financial ability to break up if the other person violates healthy boundaries. Someone living on the financial edge of needing to move in with you for emergency shelter isn't functional in the dating sense. With hard work, sacrifice, no distractions like dysfunctional relationships, and no bad breaks I might be in the functional to date category in maybe two years. Until then I wouldn't even consider it.
When I first found your videos, I saw a lot of what I went through and red flags within me. Been working on myself for years before and try to keep an 'always grow with love' mindset. Watched this one today and realized I have far more green lights within me than red or orange these days. It cannot be understated how powerful and transformative it has been finding a place where I feel confident to hold out for what I want, know how to articulate who and what kind of relationship I want, and generally raising my self-esteem by raising myself out of my past trauma and current situation. Like you said, it just takes a little healing sometimes.
Yes, I think we need two workshops -- one focused on relationships and one focused on dysregulation. I'd LOVE to have your feedback in the survey! Hoping you'll send it!
You are helping me so much throughout my journey! Thank you so much! I grew up in so much chaos, focussed on my studies, and left the house and moved overseas at 24. I finally opened my heart to love and just attracted the worst people for me. I stopped drinking a year ago and have just been focusing on myself. I am 27 now, single and not looking, just healing and watching your content. Thank you so much for putting into words something which is extremely hard to explain, even to oneself :)
Amen 🙏🏾
You have your whole life still ahead of you. Courage⚘
I am very glad to find her , here ,too.
Damn, you moved overseas. I chickened out of a 10 day trip.
@@deadinside8781 hahaha 😆
Bad relationships not only ruin your good looks but also make you more prone to illnesses from the stress.
That is true.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm living proof of that. I'm 63, have healed some things, but still parenting two girls with cPTSD who are just too afraid to hear how to be healthy. Especially the oldest, as she ALWAYS thinks she can't be alone and survive because she CAN'T do it on her own. The youngest has numerous issues and needs education and training, but school teachers were traumatizing and she's been unable to get the right resources for help. I was a critical care RN that became very I'll and disabled (single mom) without family to help. Youngest is trying more than oldest, who has had many bad relationships and still in the midst of a mess. Thank you for your videos. I use them in our conversations and it has helped - just moves VERY slowly this way.
100%!!!!
You are right. During a toxic 'half' relationship, within the first two months I had shingles, a kidney infection and I developed an eating disorder for the first time in my life. I had the eating disorder for 5 years Even strangers would ask me why i wasn't eating. I was in my early forties at the time. When I finally cut him out, my eating disorder went away. I am still working on the profound trauma from childhood though..
True... Experienced myself
"Bad relationships wreck your good looks"...this is so true.
Not only that, bad relationships will affect your health negatively.
Definitely true in my case. Working on getting my groove back!
Yep, why the cycle feeds on itself and like trying to get out of quicksand.
Yes but then you glam up…after mass abuse and absolute bullshit instigated by a psychopath 😂😎👌🏽
@@ThesySurface i get you, im more interested in examining and fixing why i let this person is my life. Its important for me to do this, getting myself together on the outside is easier than fixing myself on the inside. I definitely don’t want to go through this again.
I’ve been isolating for two years now and working on myself in trauma therapy full time. When people say isolating is bad, it always rubs me the wrong way. I think most people could deal with one or two years of extreme isolating and introspecting. 💜
I feel the same. I'm isolated by need for 2y. I have to focus on my healing and then, when I will be stronger, I will meet again. It takes the time it takes but now I moving safely
Thx fairy Anna for all you bring to us ❤️
Isolating is much better than jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another. Congratulations, I commend you.
personally i did that while i was still in my marriage , then just dated for 7 yrs. i thought i would be in a healthy relationship after taking very expensive classes but no i have a different mind set but narcistic men still pop into my life, the current one just started showing his fangs so gotta do some planning and action!
agreed. I stopped biting my nails at 39 years of age, after a three-month "inner pilgrimage". No TV, no smartphone, no people. Just my dog and I, journaling and frequent walks in nature.
Stopping biting my nails wasn't a specific goal of this purposeful isolation period. Instead, it was an accidental positive result.
My hands had been a huge source of shame, guilt and low self-steem all of my life. Now I don't need to hide them any more.
@@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788 certainly a quantifiable result ⭐️
I tell my friends that relationships are like projects, clean up your mess before you start another project.
love this
Yeah, women definitely need to heal their wounds before they jump into bed OR a relationship with another man. If you don’t, you WILL hurt the next guy(and yourself more). Guaranteed.
I see it all the time. But people get so infatuated with their LUST/emotions for someone (which is stupid) instead of looking at their character.
If you ladies make relationship/s3x decisions based on your emotions…that’s the VERY SAME THING as a man “thinking with his little head”.
NOT smart.
Following emotions is what immature children do before they grow wise.
I've spent my whole adult life fantasizing about a good relationship. When I'm with a man, I daydream about how he proudly introduces me to his friends and family, being invited to the bbq's, sometimes I talk out loud and imagine his responses. I receive bread crumbs and take it as a sign that I'm almost there, on the edge of finally getting what I want. Even when I was young and received as an attractive female, having good looks only got me men that became sexually obsessed. That was the height of my success with men. Well, I just recently ended a casual relationship. He showed up at my door, promising to finally stay the night instead of making excuses as to why he always had to jet out the door as soon as he got his sex from me. I told him nope, too late, I've lost interest. It felt so good to close the door on him without letting him get a word in edgewise. I didn't yell, didn't slam the door, I just did it. As soon as I did, I knew I'm finally on my way to turning on my "cab light" to attract something better. I'm lonely and afraid I'm too old now to attract a man. Yet at the same time I feel a strange confidence. I think these videos, the Daily Practice, and some therapy will really help me get there.
I can totally relate to your story ❤
Women have the power. Biggest trouble is finding the right person then not being too choosy. Good luck sister.
.... blokes advice...🤩
i can totally relate to you i'm in the same situation, been there and once you lower your standards with men it ends up somehow harming us in the end. Keep those standards up and the right one will cross your path eventually, in the meantime, live your life with passion and joy, focus on doing things that add to your life and personal growth. sending you good energy from Canada
I'm same but reversed sex...
Wow, you just expressed the way that I feel. We are not alone in this. ✌🏻❤️✨🌻
Never immediately leave one relationship for another. I promise it more than likely won’t work out
Also, don't leave it 15 years between relationships.
Not true!
@@GuidetteExpert Can you please explain why you say "Not true" ?
I'd like to know if you went into a relationship soon after leaving another relationship.
True that. I have been falling for this one so many times, like my mind has a mind of it's own and I feel angry at myself for losing my consciousness AGAIN. As if I am on autopilot. I don't seem to think anymore.
I did that when I was young. eventually figured out I needed to take time between relationships for introspection and healing.
Hanging onto a bad relationship (FWB; situation-ship) is a placeholder ~blocking~ space for _healthier_ future relationships. Like a junky garage -> can’t park a nice new car. 💔❤️
THIS ❤
I recently had a woman come into my life who had that FWB in the way of a healthy connection. I don't play games, so I exit stage right.
Well put!
Attracting is one thing..... entertaining is something else..... If you are a bright light and amazing person.... almost everyone will be attracted to you......healing makes you only entertain the ppl who you should be with
A person can attract, but not entertain. And when you know your worth, you choose to entertain only what you know you deserve.
Yeah I normally leave fairly quickly cause I’m very sensitive to toxicity. However I never met someone both heathy and I felt attractive(had chemistry) 😢
This is blessing and a total curse. Gift of discernment is so important when you are a bright light to know whos genuine and whos worthy of your reciprocation
Wow this is brilliant-so simpl yet, brilliant thank you!!
I like how she emphasizes fantasy relationships and "spacing out". After years I realized that was so detrimental to my mental health and I hadn't thought healthy people could tell the difference
omg...i finally have a label for past behavior with a guy i met when i was 18!!! i also have a weird unconscious thing i do where i attract guys that remind me of a few different rock singers i have "schoolgirl crushes" on...i would be 75% attracted to a boyfriend and then use my imagination pretending they were one of the singers they resembled, and that's how i stayed in a relationship sometimes - whoa! 😲
had me at "people don't want someone in a bad relationship, healthy people will wait for the right one...."
What hides your light? Being in a bad relationship. Not being truly available. Addictions, porn, anger, drama, conflict, romantic energy leaking to others in casual relationship, for example.
Whew 😥 sheesh u just read me
@@szasremmurd8002 I kind of felt seen 😳
Romantic energy leaking to casual relationship? Never heard that before.
@@mikejohnson2098yeah sometimes people invest romantic energy into platonic connections where the romantic energy is not reciprocated, thus your reserves go empty and problems arise, like more isolation, fear, etc.
@@chaitea3421 Thanks for clarifying
I agree carrying around a lot of anger isn't a good thing either .. It actually tends to scare people away...
Recently the bus-driver who was wayyy behind schedule was very angry with me for crossing the street to his bus to get out of the rain. He scolded me and for the first time, I tried NOT getting angry back. "I know, it's frustrating being so far behind schedule. I've been waiting for you on the other side for your return trip. I'm sorry that there's so much construction going on on your route - it's not always like this." We didn't become the best of friends, but I see him often (in the bus) and we greet each other civilly. His frustration hadn't anything to do with me and I needn't have reacted in kind. I don't think that he wanted to get angry at me when he started his day.
Had I gotten angry in kind, well, I'd have to sit down and recover from being angry. The other passengers would have seen me as an angry person, which I'm not and, yeah, it would have scared them.
@@howardcohen6817 good catch on your part, recognizing the driver was just having a crappy day and his irritation with you was just the final straw of his patience. He'll likely always remember that you were kind to him when he was at his worst.
@@howardcohen6817 Interesting. I was at the grocery store and wanted to buy half a cabbage. The produce man was right there with the cart, stocking things. I asked if he could cut a cabbage for me. He snapped “no halves!” I looked at him, annoyed, but didn’t say anything, and turned back to the cabbages. Then he said he’d do it. Idk if he thought I’d complain to the manager, or he just realized he was wrong. I asked why he reconsidered, but he didn’t respond.
I think in today's world it's really hard to find someone single who isn't hanging onto at least one ex-lover as a 'friend.' I'm not talking about two people who share a child/children and need to maintain friendly contact for the well-being of the kids. I'm talking about people who want to continue to share closeness, comfort and emotional intimacy with his or her ex-partner and rebrand it as 'just friends' - as if it is irrelevant that their closeness was established withen the context of a romantic/sexual relationship - while developing a new relationship at the same time. It's become so normalized and we keep being told it's 'healthy' despite the fact it usually causes problems in any new relationship. Problems that are, of course, attributed to the new partner's 'jealousy' and 'insecurity' rather than the fact that the whole situation is inherently strange and disrespectful to the new partner/relationship. There are even dating coaches here on TH-cam that encourage you to be cool with a potential partner who hangs out with his (or her) ex-lovers/spouses...
@OX 808 XO exactly 💯 so many have a secret life in their phones. I miss the time before "smart phones" and social media 😪
Hi Suzy! Totally fair/valid points, can be very disheartening and demoralising. Though, I do think there are alot of amazing people (on a healthy wavelength) that have their 'cab light on'. I think with dating, in a healthy/clear frame of mind, and taking the time to get to know someone, we can pick up on the nuances (sometimes overt) earlier on if there is a lingering ex, and move on from those who are emotionally unavailable for this reason. As Anna has mentioned previously in other videos, healing and doing the 'inner work' helps us to attract healthier people and to discern whether someone is a healthy fit for us. Without the healing, we may have pockets of low self esteem that blind us to these red flags and keep us holding on to someone who is not right for us. I'm slowly learning to steer clear of these types. Anyway, I feel your frustration and thank you for sharing your insight
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. Just dumped a dude who was weirdly intimate or had kissed/some stuff with all his female friends, and he called me insecure for being upset!
@@BB-uz8pn Good for you!
I am the one of the rare people who do not keep in touch with any past people. Nothing at all. I was in a bad stage back then and do not want this energy again. And even If I was in a good place, still don’t wAnt the past
After deep healing from CPTSD, I love being solo because my spiritual life grew exponentially. Bliss....
Me too. I'm trying to find the right environment that aligns with my values but it seems crazy everywhere
Thanks
I suspected a lot that you said already. That even if you think it's private, that it's within you, it changes your energy, and healthy people have a sixth sense to pick it up. Thank you so much for what you do.
Thank you for watching! Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
My ex is painfully addicted to porn and cam girls and it quite literally broke my spirit and my self esteem. But I didn't realize I was broken and emotionally paralyzed until the delusion fell away and I had already changed everything about myself into what I thought he wanted from a girlfriend. We lived together in my home and I literally couldn't step away from him for longer than it would take to go wash my face or grab a snack from the fridge. My mind was constantly focused on how he was looking at and talking to other women online. At one point he even had several dating apps. I couldn't sleep or eat, I lost 27 pounds. I can't even believe I have the courage to type this, but this channel has finally encouraged me to start going no contact with him and start living my own life. I don't want his addiction and lifestyle and negativity to stop me from having a fulfilling life any longer. Thank you so much for these videos, I was referred here by my mother, who experienced several relationships like my last one, with cheating and addiction. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now even though I know I need to continue to work on my codependency and boundaries.
I have been there.
You can NOT negotiate this on your terms. You need to get away from him.
Don't waste years waiting for HIM to change. Claim your power and dignity and rediscover yourself again. Godspeed.
I'm so sorry to hear. Wishing you better days ahead 💓.
Mantra: My Divine Partner Now; it isn’t him. He’s broken and unfit for a relationship. Just cut him loose, like ripping off the bandaid just do it. You are looking for something he doesn’t have to give. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. The sooner he is gone the sooner you meet the right one.
I thums down for the pain you've had to endure🤗you are not alone
Ew he is for the streets!
summary: take care of yourself; dont let TV or spacing out take up all your spare time; dont self isolate; dont be overbusy (too much time at work? overbusy in solitary pursuits?); dont be in a bad relationship; addictions, drugs, alcohol, porn; carrying a lot of anger; having a lot of drama or conflict; dont be emotionally bonded to your ex; be free of past relationships. I am not sure what "spacing out" means (being alone and fantasizing instead of healthy self-reflection? not being "present" when you are with someone?)
I was blinded for 23 years yet everyone around me could see what was happening....thank God I woke up to this and left, AND put up and reinforced BOUNDARIES....
I’m 52 and I’m finally figuring out why I decided to stop dating years ago, as well as, why I’m not compatible with the guys I tried to date all these decades. Thank you for this.
You're welcome. Thanks for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I'm with u
I have been single for ten years now and it hasn't done me any good. I am tired of it and I think inside myself I have given up. I have gotten used to being without someone even though it hurts like hell everyday is hard. The only good thing I have finally accepted after 35 years of pain is that there is nothing wrong with me!!!!
If you do decide to date again I would strongly suggest you take Anna’s dating course before you start. I was single for ten years and like you sick of it. I ended up getting entrapped by a toxic narcissist and didn’t see any of the signs as I was just so relieved to finally have someone.
@@sherriann674 thank you for your kind words Sherri Ann 😇. I have a lot of soul searching to do and will consider taking the dating course. I am just glad to have discovered that I have childhood PTSD and can now finally understand why nothing has ever worked in my life 😁 sending you lots of gratitude and best wishes 🌟
Hey if you ever do take it. I don’t mind taking it withyou. I’ve been single for 10 yrs but 6 years of those I’m in a situationship which ended 2 years ago. I got ghosted. Now I’m lost in between space and not ready to date yet until I fully healed.
If you have given up people pick up on that. Your interactions aren't fun, and happy. They are probably monotone and don't care. Why not try meetup groups in your area. You can meet people with same interests, and the pressure is off. Just practice interacting in a group setting. So when you want to attract someone, then your skills are better at chatting and interacting.
It’s all about a change of mindset before you go back out there. I follow Mark Rosenfeld to boost my confidence
I started listening and watching your videos thinking that I could help my granddaughter who is 14 and living with me. She had come from her mom's house and had been abused and neglected for at least the last 7 years. And of course this is a generational curse for us. My mom beat me, I beat my daughter, and my daughter be my granddaughter and I want to stop it. There will be no more of it in our family. I have learned so much about myself through listening to you and I'm 66 years old. I really was messed up when I got out of high school with unsuccessful jobs, relationships, and friendships. I was a very angry aggressive person. I spent 10 years in the psychologist and psychiatrist office and with group therapy which I believe helped the most. I did go on to have a successful career as a nurse and am now retired. But I find myself raising my 14 year old granddaughter. She does see a therapist and the therapist sees me as well and then we see the therapist together. She has improved greatly in the last year since she came to live with me. But I am of the opinion that you can never do too much self work! I want to thank you for your videos❤
My cab light is very bright, I feel it and it also shows. I'm experiencing my feminine self and I love it. Watching for those triggers and revamping into overriding them. Letting them dissolve and peacefully go away. I feel my heart open up to heathy people and environments. I don't ignore red flags and also not quick to judge, but when I'm alert to my own need to change course with myself or others I'm not afraid to be pro-active. Sometimes there is loss but better now than later. Also, I don't have to run and hide or remove myself from something I love. I move through the awkwardness and get to the other side. I don't have to run anymore. I say no if I know triggers may come as the result of a request. Getting to know myself is a great safety net. And self care. Also being aware of others feelings, not overthinking or rushing to conclusions. Alert to fantasy and limerence, like a remote I can change the channel. It feels good for my mind to slow down not let panic and anxiety win the day. For me bread crumbs aren't an acceptable diet, wither in friendship or romance. Others still don't see me, but less often now and I don't care, I'm comfortable with myself and able to handle when I am alone in a crowd. I make a way to avoid triggers, not being too early and removing myself from something uncomfortable, just ways to success and self care. I'm not afraid to look pretty consistently and have a quiet confidence.
How long did it take Linda?
@@cloustons I began in 2019 when I met a narcissistic man at the library. He just wanted a friendship which I didn't understand. He said odd things so I began researching and found out about covert narcissism. He reminded me of my absent father, he was strange. But I didn't understand strange since I had no voice when I was younger. After ten months of the so called friendship he discarded me, but I was ready. He did weird things also at times. This experience brought me up to date on my issues of abandonment and neglect. So my journey has brought me much healing and confidence. I still struggle with loneliness, limerence, etc.but still learning and a much more confident whole person. I save myself from suffering with the knowledge I now have and figure out men much sooner. I have an inner Joy because of my faith in Jesus.
Wonderful 💚
Alone is better then being a victim again !
Both are the same from the point of view of a hug from someone who cares.
I’m surprised to not have seen this really mentioned on your channel, but I’ve had the opposite problem.
when I began entering relationships (since moving out of my toxic family) I was more often than not the more abusive and hurtful partner. I met several people who were kind and supportive of me, but I would inevitably return to behaviors that were detrimental to the relationship. It took until I was 23 to recognize the pattern and put a stop to it. It was a rough awakening realizing that I had never really witnessed my parents nor any two family members exhibit and maintain a healthy and communicative relationship. Without that model, it can be quite challenging for CTPSD sufferers.
Your story make me think of my friend. She did not like when i told her but at the same time saw what i meant. I feel this too, in situations where I should say "ok, this is clearly not working" and just leave, I stay and keep on fighting... So im putting others through hell because I can't let go 🤷♀️ waking up to the problem is the first step, now i want to learn how to get it right from start
@@natliekla Oh men you are telling my relationship story... After 3 different relationships where i can not let go, i'm finally waking up to the fact that i'm the problem.... :( I had parents that communicated really badly with me and eachother. And i need to set good communication as one of the neccessities of my next good relationship. But i keep coming back to woman that suck at it :(
I’ve noticed this too! I would like to attract healthy people to model appropriate behaviors, so I can learn how healthy people respond. The conundrum is I need to portray these healthy responses to keep these healthy people in my life long enough to learn from them…
Luckily at 23 you have lots of time to start over with lessons learned for a hopefully better outcome next time. Wait until YOU are READY to start re-planning YOUR LIFE and on someone's else's timetable and needs. You will KNOW when you are READY to START AGAIN!! YOU WILL FEEL READY AND IT FEELS RIGHT!! Start SLOW so you don't crash and burn again. Good Luck! 👍
How introspective and smart of you to wake up to it. This looks like the other side of a coin. And the self awareness is probably the only way to heal it.
Once I met a guy and he started gaslighting on the first date… 😳 It took me 24 hours to realise what‘s happened and I „broke“ before it really started. But… it took me one week to recover from this date. In the end I‘m happy, that I realised the red flags so early.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
He sounds toxic. What did he do? When i see someone trying to gaslight me first conversation it's so weird but we are protected some people don't see it until it's too late
I just broke up with someone that i knew was not the right person for me as we both had too much childhood trauma that kept on being aggravated by the other. We also have certain fundamental beliefs that were not aligned that i felt that i would need to compromise on if we decided to continue the relationship. I had a lot if trouble letting this relationship go because i was scared to be alone again and i just didn’t want to deal with the heartache. Watching this made me feel very hopeful of my future because I’m looking forward to my healing journey. :)
Rooting for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
i gotta say, this woman has rewired my brain chemistry and singlehandedly got me thru a shitty break up. thank you fairy, we love you ❤
Yay!
Its such a blessing when you realise someone is not treating you well because if you can leave, just get up and leave before it gets really bad. Freedom happens as soon as its over.
If you don’t know what you want, you will get something you didn’t choose 🤔
Here comes the Fairy with another great video. Thank you Fairy.
I'd like to add that physical and mental clutter also dim the cab light. We all probably know that mental fog is reflected in our outter environment and vice versa and that messiness, in my experience, comes out in our work and relationships. It steals a lot of good energy, light and joy.
I am struggling with this very thing. I have so much stuff and can't seem to start the task of unloading it.
@@Captain_MonsterFart hey, wishing you well. Hope your journey is successful!
@@Captain_MonsterFart So am I. It isn't easy but it's possible. I encourage you to try one surface at a time. Wishing you all the love, light and success.
The FLY Lady offers a deeply compassionate, practical approach to getting started and getting finished, and lots of hope. I'm curious to know what you think about her work!
love this as a reminder to keep things the way I like them, nice and neat, not like my father who creates an endless mess.
I tell men that I am taking resumes. I have CPTSD from severe childhood abuse but I am also almost healed about as much as possible and ready for real love.
This is so on point!!! I failed constantly and thought that could change the wrong kind of men who had substance abuse issues and different goals/values. The problem was that I had low self esteem and wasn’t happy on my own.
Have been single and focused on healing and creating my own happiness/life of my dreams for 3.5 years now and my life’s been so peaceful. I eventually found a great church and it’s so beautiful to finally be around men who respect me as a person, share the same values, and that I can talk to without them hitting on me.
So glad you made it!
Nika@TeamFairy
Bad relationships ruin your good looks. I'm someone who tends to like keeping exes and that could be why I've been struggling to find the right guy. Thank you for this video.
I had a therapist actually criticize my intent to stay single for at least a certain amount of time while I’m dedicated to figuring a lot of this stuff out. He was concerned that I would miss out on the opportunity to be with my right person by not being open to dating. But I really think that there are times it is appropriate to turn off the cab light and spend some time in the shop.
She’s so loving….we appreciate her
Dear Anna, I will admit this one was so hard for me to hear. I feel so far from eliminating the habits that dim my "cab light" but I am so grateful to you for continuing to show us the truth of how we can find our way to connection. Love from Los Angeles.
This actually explains a lot about why unhealed people with (c)ptsd have relationships, and it shed a light on why I cannot have one. I've been carrying around my injure expecting to have compassion from the other person. I will heal that part, and I will also wil isolate less. Thanks a lot.
Glad the video was helpful! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Love your, “cab light” analogy it is so true! I can definitely feel this within myself!
You attract people.
Or you seattle for.
Or they are attracted to you.
Or they groom you.
Or you a lonely and they are offering comfort.
There is a lot of ways you get stuck in something with someone.
When you can not stand the 4 walls of your own mind the company of others offer's relief.
At a price.
My whole life ive attracted unavail men and i know why after 20 yrs of therapy. I am ready for love with a bright cab light. My boundaries are clear now no more imagination rships ❤
After 10 years of romantically isolating, a fell limerent for a woman that spent nine months pursuing me. I liked the attention, but overlooked some red flags in both of us. I was fantasizing about having a real partner, but they had a habit of negging the success of my friends. I kept trying to brush it off, but eventually they resorted to attacking the character of one of my close friends, and when i mentioned that it hurt me and why, they told me that I shouldn't take everything anyone says personally and that she is entitled to her opinion. So my limerence was POPPED in that moment and I ended it. We had a lot in common, and I felt close to sharing my life in a long time, but envy, negativity, and condescension are definitely dealbreakers. I feel a little bad I got limerent, but at least I wasn't mean.
That "pop" saved you! Thank you for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good on you for ending it then. My ex does that constantly. Believe me you don't want it draining your battery
Your videos excite me! Not only do you give us hope. You also give us the steps to take to actually heal.
One can have a bright cab light and still have to wait for the right passenger 🤷🏻♀️✨
Dating comes with issues..
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this!
What you said resonates with me. But do you think it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy? In that instead of taking self-accountability head on, we tend to blame the ‘timing’ as a means to slow down or not be all out in our search.
@@fn3458 Yes. There’s something holding me back for sure 💛 Still single, still have healing.. many blessings to you 🙏
I need to listen to this video once a day, every day. Thank you so much for everything you do for this community!
It is so true about attachments and addictions keeping your energy unavailable, I am trying my best to break these cycles. Thank you for your work it means so much ❤️
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
It’s difficult getting back out there after devastating health issues and a divorce when your 55 and raising a grandchild
Have you guys seen Melanie tonia evans channel? I’ve been using her program with some success reversing chronic health issues as a result from narcisstic abuse and childhood cptsd
@@I3rittanyLynne I’ve been watching videos for several years and going to therapy for one year, besides my medical doctors, chiropractor, and doing yoga. There’s lots of good information out there that was never available before. I’ve had thyroid issues for 36 years and autoimmune for 22 years. It took a long time to even know what to look for and how all things were connected.
@Deana Jones BEWARE of trolling narcissist conmen with handsome(?) pictures & 2 first names... They prey on vulnerable woman with challenging lives & CPTSD issues. I caution you, from EXPERIENCE & LOSS to these predators! One hit on you below... I can see them from a mile away now! ❤️🙏❤️
@@lorrainea6177 thank you. I’ve always been cautious with the opposite sex. Anyone in the comments or any online platform doesn’t ever stand a chance.
Get out fast is the best relationship advice in the video. When you meet, you’ll know. Trust that gut feeling.
At the beginning you mentioned that these ideas can apply to other relationships like friendship and work. I’d be interested in a follow up going into detail re work relationships, mentoring and jobs. How do we “brighten our cab light” to connect with and/or attract heathy workplaces, coworkers, good bosses, etc, and get out of or avoid the unhealthy versions?
This is a fantastic question. Thanks for asking it.
By healing, getting rid of the resentment and the fears we have about relationships. Lots of courses to support this process, including a free course, on the website :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
You can opt out of intimate relationships and work on yourself in a way that is much more difficult if not impossible in a work/employment/career context. Abusers at work take huge advantage of their power because often you *can't* leave them so easily and still pay rent, eat, etc. I would also like to see more work-related videos.
@@venomousbluefrog I'd really appreciate videos applying this specifically to work and friendships as well :)
me too. I ve this issues with friendships. I am really worried about it. It seems to me i cannot see if the friend is good to me or not. So i feel blind. and then about sth happened, i cannot discern if that is ok or not. So i feel in a mood of loliness, continuing disappointment, some friends leave me behind after some years of friendship and i don t know why. also i don t feel they admire me, i understand this is important in a relationship. i don t know i go to therapy but this is still so treaky for me
Ahhh it's like you can describe my life perfectly, relate so much to your videos. You've finally given me the courage to help my cab light shine a little brighter. I've respectfully ended contact with 2 exes and focusing on my life and my healing. Just need to get back on my feet and then not isolate as much either. Thanks for all your work🤗
I love your channel and how you explain everything, you seem to always post exactly what I need
Hello Anna! Wish I’d known all of this when I was young. I’ve learned a wealth of knowledge from you.
All people should take note of this valuable wisdom.
I'm so glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is a damaged person's projection fantasy of how "healthy" people present themselves.
Actual healthy people aren't afraid to bring their anger and sadness out. They don't edit themselves to appear a certain way for the purpose of attracting someone. They're ok with their whole range of feelings, and there's also plenty of room for others feelings, and people around them feel comfortable by that.
I agree. Some good points in this about who we are matters, but nobody is perfect. Nobody is without issues. I think I’m looking for how someone becomes vulnerable with a potential life partner. How they manage the negatives that life throws at us all.
Agreed. I like to think I'm a very perceptive person, but if I see an attractive stranger, I'm focused on that and learning more about them, not what supposed "energy" they're giving that tells me they must be too close with an ex. The most accurate point she made was that isolating will, by default, keep your "cab light" off in the sense that it's literally preventing you from meeting anyone.
Each one of us may be damaged in one way or another. Vulnerability and understanding are the keys to dealing successfully with different issues that can destroy relationships. Trust and mutual support will definitely help the relationship last. It is very important to help each other heal first before embarking on a serious relationship.
Thank you!!! I was thinking that thoughout the video.
All emotions are okay. But not all behavior is okay
Ana, thank you- I’m in the process of breaking off a four year toxic relationship. I lost a lot of weight, and really felt like I lost my good looks. Now that I’m single and gaining space (and myself) again, I see my good looks and “sparkle” coming back. Thank you so much for the wonderful work you do and the validation you’ve helped given those of us on a healing path.
Thank you, baby steps and feeling and trusting my intuition without fail.
Life doesn’t have to be in isolation after c-ptsd.
Agree ❤ remain healthy with your energy frequency and vibration. check yourself first. Be aware. Breath.
I tell ppl nature is my church/gospel. The Crappy Childhood Fairy is absolutely in spot #2🙌🏽
Everyone says that "walks in nature" is good for emotional self-regulation, etc. But I recently realized (on my own) that, when walking in nature, I need to be present (in the moment) and not ruminating (rehearsing past or future events). I try to notice the leaves, trees, sound of water, sunlight, sky, etc.
btw, even if you have all these things straightened out, relationship isn’t guaranteed
Yes, thank you Anna. I've been basically just waiting for the right relationship to find me. Time for me to figure out how to be proactive about it.
So nice to want to help lots of people that have been through this trauma stemming from bad childhoods. Thankyou x
So true about how your addiction changes your energy!!! In my experience dropping addictions really did turn my light on, it's crazy how that works
I'm forever grateful for your videos 🙏 Thank you for helping me and so many others. 💓
Yesssssssssss!🗣
A lot of times we know what is wrong but never knew what the right thing to do would be !
So true.
How are you singing my song so well? Glad to hear I'm not alone, so many people have no idea what troubles I've been through.
Thank you so much for these videos. They have helped change my life. I have lost most of my adult life to relationships either with horrifically abusive men or men who didn’t even want me. My last relationship was essentially me dating my neglectful narcissistic mother. Now in my 40s I don’t know if it is too late to have the life I want but dammit I want healthy, happy and functioning so bad….
@@Alphacentauri819 I completely agree with you! You seem quite self aware and compassionate towards your own story and healing. It sounds like you are treating yourself the way you always deserved.
My God, 40s are the best are they not!
I have found growth, compassion and self-satisfaction I never knew existed.
Still working on the self talk. I read somewhere the inner critic is actually our mother's voice, which ::cringe:: is actually a terrifying enough analogy to force change.
Hugs to you
Very important to define “what we don’t want”.
@@Alphacentauri819 That's beautiful, Enigma. I'd like to add that thinking that getting to know something about yourself gets a good relationship. It's better to concentrate on changing aspects about yourself to be more honest - has value for intrinsic reasons. You're better off without the narc-man and you know this, A. There's nothing a narc-man can offer you which can compare with enjoying being alive. Wishing both of you love and a kind, loving and patient inner voice.
@@user-ge6uo2ry2b Love.
Thank you so so so so much. People who didn't face abandonment or abuse in childhood can't undestand this. I've heard and read a lot about relationship but NEVER like this. ❤ Feels so good to hear you. I feel undestood.
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
This helps my psychological progress. Unfortunately I live in a rual area and the dating pool is super small. Sometimes it's not just your mental space that keeps you from finding love!
That's very true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is my issue.
Same here. I believe and know deep down I'll have to go further away.
You are a lovely lady who seems like she really cares about helping people find the love kind of love they deserve. Thank you for your wonderful sense of service and compassion. I'm touched xx
You are so kind. Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
“Cab light” was a fantastic simile/analogy. Great learning tool. Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Amazed at how you covered this wide topic in an 11-minute video.❤️
I needed this like a month ago but thank you so much for sharing this video. I can move forward into a better relationship free, clear, and letting go of the past. 💜
Just gotta say, it's been great hearing and hanging out with you people! Lotta good stuff. ❤
When I started a relationship with my ex I was 34, I had never been in a long term relationship because my parents pushed me to study and to work. I had started dating after 30 but because I was very youngish looking men would treat me very nicely at first and then would make snarky remarks about IVF when they found what was my age. Men would assume that because I was single in my 30s and good looking, that I was sleeping around when I was not looking for casual sex and I was too naive and inexperienced in relationships. I wanted my only long term relationship to work, and I truly loved him, but he wasn't ready to compromise with anything. I wouldn't compromise with living with his mother when both he and I have our own apartments. So that relationship ended for real 5 months ago and now I am a 39 years old single woman and I don't want to die childless. I have always wanted to have a family. I have pushed people away because of my social anxiety.
You deserve to be a parent and when you decide how to do so it will happen for you. Write down your resentments and fears and exactly what you need and want. Study it.
2:54 now your path is clear 🙂
After suffering 50 years of childhood PTSD without a clue as to the reason for my dysfunctions...the critical event was revealed. Breakdowns, therapy, self-help all have led to a near complete recovery of a healthy ego, and outlook on life. One looming draw to the sorrows of the past is a continuing absence of companionship. The will to go forward falters: go alone? Why bother?
My 'cab light' was damaged long ago. It is now fixed; yet only seems to shine enough to confuse. It takes forever for people to see the beauty in me. I am still reluctant to take the chance and show it. Rejection. Abandonment. These are not easy to heal. "Healing the hurts that dim your light." Agreed. I have isolated my entire adult life. "Unhealed people might not be able to tell the difference (and we attract those!) but healthy people can tell pretty quickly, and they're not attracted." Bingo.
"Mostly healed". I am at the goal. Subscribed. Rarely, until now, have I had the courage to believe in myself. Returning to work after a week off, wearing good fitting clothes, taking pride in my appearance, shining my cab light brighter than usual - everyone noticed and commented. It felt good. In contrast, I used to deny attention. Once, on a ski weekend bus trip, I looked the part completely. Many came up to me to chat...and quickly faded away: I had no cab light to share. Thank you for this video. I will watch more soon.
Well, when you are a person like me (ugly and disabled) where your whole life felt ignored by the opposite sex, you take who ever shows insterest.
And yes, I live my relationships in the present, "while they last" because at least I am happy to be in one, something I never imagined I could have.
I personally don't trust my own judgement in the moment. I do trust my judgement over the long term (I have time to think, plan, and analyze). So I create SOPs (workflows) for everything that has long term ramifications. Then, I trust those SOPs COMPLETELY & ABSOLUTELY, no exceptions
1) Choosing a partner: I have criteria that must be met, criteria that is a dealbreaker, and I have a process for rapidly evaluating those criteria. If the criteria isn't met, it doesn't matter how I feel about the person. It is immediate game over. I have zero say and zero power over changing a "game over" result
2) Dealing with interpersonal relations: I have canned de-escalatory & leaving the situation phrases, criteria to determine if the relationship needs to be terminated (or can be fixed), and a process to repair the rupture OR to rapidly isolate then remove someone from my life. I have zero say and zero power over if the relationship is terminated or how that process is conducted
3) Life planning: I have a timeline of benchmarks to meet by specific dates, the steps I need to meet those benchmarks, and the steps I need to take if those benchmarks are not met. I have zero say and zero power over my life trajectory
Now when I say "I have zero say and zero power" I mean, me, in the present, right this instant, has zero say and zero power. The person with complete and total control over my life is the version of myself from the past. That person thoughtfully considered what he wanted from life, what he didn't want, and then created a plan for me to make that happen.
Thank you, your videos have been so helpful in understanding my partner w CPTSD who left the relationship. I had a tough childhood too but farther along in my recovery. Now that I’ve got to be on my own again, this is super helpful going forward. x
I isolate because I have no where to go. I'm happier and safe at home.
Wow you explained my Romantic life to a tee, alone or in a bad relationship. I think I’ve learned a lot in the last two years and im a mother now so it’s even more important than ever to be in a healthy relationship for my child. Unfortunately his father is soooo behind on the healing and healthy relationship so it’s a lot of weight on my shoulders but I’m excited to slowly get out there and date again ( with guard rails of course). Thank you
Rooting For You✨
OMG! No one can see me! Finally, someone can relate to what I’ve been saying for years.
Thank you. I was today old when I found out what healthy people do. ❤️❤️❤️
I think it's best not to give it a lot of thought but try to treat people the way I myself would want to be treated....
I'm doing all of these! Isolating, over doing it, and spacing out. I never thought of it as a defence mechanism but I think that it is.
Whew! I know what you mean by that ready and available light. I had to walk away from 4 bad temptations to attract a good person
Great explanation!!! I gained a lot of weight in my bad relationship. Not fat but just more bloated looking. Once I got out I had the motivation to drink way less and work out way more. Yes! You look so much better after you get out. One of my exes- a nice one lol- we are kind of friends now and she told me I look so much friendlier and softer now that I am on my healing journey. And it’s definitely a journey! Doesn’t happen over night. Expect to be healing for at least a year-if not more! Truly believe soon I will find someone correct for me, just not quite ready yet!
I read these comments and I cant help but think how lonely everyone is and feels. I can feel the pain of each person that comments here. I was in a situationship with someone where our whole catch phrase was how we are no longer alone now that we have eachother. Until he became hot&cold and ended up telling me that I am just a friend. It doesnt get any lonelier than that and I have lost all hope. I feel like I lost all my light and it s no one else s fault but mine.
Cab light ! So brilliant! I do believe those cab lights have colors with different meanings. I watched my sister pick up on countless relationships with physically and emotionally abusive men and then wheep about it when it ended A army of do-gooder women, and “save the abused foundations “rush to her help, Her choices kept others employed or volunteering but she was just habitual in these relationships never educated .Now I know what I witnessed and called “her signal “was actually an “ open to light” for behaviors she would tolerate just to have a man.Put the right color on and you’ll get a certain insect for sure
never been in any relationship. naturally shy and being born into a so-called family that was a toxic waste dump and then having one-sided "friendships" with kids in school who were nothing but demeaning and exploitative which i accepted for way too long cause that's all i ever knew and figured that was just the way life was made me withdraw even further to the point of total isolation. was involuntarily committed a few times many years ago, saw "therapists" for about ten years after that and for the past twenty just been taking meds and going around in solitary circles. not sure what people see when they see me but i definitely don't smile and always have my guard up.
You are proof of guardian angels. This is the biggest eye opener that sings to my heart. Thank you thank you thank you so much 😪😪😪
You’re such a beautiful soul. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom. Has been so helpful
this is exactly the relationship i had for the past year and 3 months. we lived in different states and occasionally met and it was exactly as she described, the first couple days would be great and then he just detached and the vibe would just turn for the worst for the rest of the stay. and every time we visited each other, I had to do all of the planning because if I didn’t we would have just stayed in the whole day. and even when we went somewhere, like a botanical garden or just out walking, he was so silent and it felt like i was a burden to him. i had to go to the bathroom just so i wouldn’t burst in tears in front of him. he also abused weed and used it as a way to dissociate, he says it’s the only way he knows how to solve problems in addition to retreating and going quiet. when we weren’t together and it was LDR, I would do all the calling and he never initiated it, he would text more frequently but it wasn’t the same. it got to the point where we couldn’t be in a call for more than 30 minutes because he would just go silent. it was so hurtful. And it would finally get to the point where (after putting up for it for a couple weeks) I would finally bring up what I was feeling and any time we had this happen where I would express to him very calmly how I felt, he ended it. his go-to was to call it and breakup, we never had a single argument with a resolution because he would bring up separating before we could get to that point. I was devastated but every time it was less and less because I saw it coming.
it was such a painful push and pull cycle and we broke up four times until i realized just what was happening. there was a moment when we were in the car silent, I was looking out the window trying to think of what to say (I would carry all the conversations and he rarely initiated) and then I realized how this was so reminiscent of the dynamic I have with my own dad. We rarely ever talk and car rides between us is usually in complete silence. Once I had this realization it’s like the blindfold I was wearing finally came off and I saw the situation for how it really was. I was trying to win the affection of someone who wasn’t available in the same way I would try to get validation and approval from my dad it when I was a kid. He also was a workaholic and self employed, rarely having time for his family and never being emotionally available for me. he was also emotionally and physically abusive and used to drink heavily during my childhood. it’s like I was trying to recreate the whole situation all over again in hopes that this time would be different. it wasn’t.
although we aren’t together anymore there are still moments where i remember the good times, because it wasn’t all horrible. he was sweet at times, being around him physically was peaceful and he was always respectful of me and would open doors for me/pay expenses for both of us, and never pressured me / made sure I was always comfortable when we were together. i think back to those moments where we would be together and it felt like it was meant to be, and just wish things and circumstances could have been different, but they’re not. i’m not angry at him nor do I think I ever could be, at this point i just genuinely wish the best for him and i want him to be happy and find his peace. there are times when i questioned if we were truly in love with each other, but i do believe that i truly loved him (and still do, unconditionally). it’s a bittersweet feeling. but i am relieved to finally be out of that relationship, it feels like im alive again and rediscovering myself because i truly became a shell of myself when I was with him.
thank you for your videos, i found them back when i was in this “relationship” (if you can even call it that) and these stories resonate so much with me.
All good advice. But it you do the math on the percentage of aware/healthy people coupled with general attractiveness (on both sides) age appropriateness, geographic location, kids from prior relationships, financial health also, and the ability of both potential partners to negotiate all of the above in good faith, chances are slim for most of us that we will locate and attract that great partner.
Chances have always been slim. Even back in high school, the appealing people were taken.
Even though I'm glad your here and helping so many people. I can dwell on this way too much which brings me into a downward spiral.
I sometimes feel paranoid healthy people will not be attracted to me, self harm scars, no work, talents, but no money, looks for an old bird :) I just wonder if positive people would look twice at me.
Pretty funny good cook
@@IntuitiveSoulArt 💜
They will. Actions speak louder than words, stay positive and spread your positivity through actions.
I didn't experience any of those things as a child growing up! I have however experienced the kind of relationships. Not carrying around child hood trauma, just seriously wrong choices , trusting , being manipulated as a young adult, as a middle aged adult, into my 50's. Been single now for 9 yrs.
One of the huge things people look for is that the other person financially has their life together. I was looking for low crime places to live today and Issaquah, WA looked pretty good for a city where an average person could live. That is until I checked the prices of the cheapest one bedroom apartments and there was nothing below $1,800 per month, and they all wanted proof of three times that income (which full time is $31.15/hour). That is the rock bottom income required to live within 25 miles of Seattle in a place that isn't choked with drugs and crime. Being financially stable is extremely difficult to pull off now and every year it gets worse. Low income people can shack up to split the bills but signing a one year lease with someone on the gamble this relationship will work (when all the others failed) is a massively stupid gamble with terrible consequences when it fails (and it will). I am not implying that people need money to spend on things to keep the relationship going but that both people need to maintain the financial ability to break up if the other person violates healthy boundaries. Someone living on the financial edge of needing to move in with you for emergency shelter isn't functional in the dating sense. With hard work, sacrifice, no distractions like dysfunctional relationships, and no bad breaks I might be in the functional to date category in maybe two years. Until then I wouldn't even consider it.
When I first found your videos, I saw a lot of what I went through and red flags within me. Been working on myself for years before and try to keep an 'always grow with love' mindset. Watched this one today and realized I have far more green lights within me than red or orange these days. It cannot be understated how powerful and transformative it has been finding a place where I feel confident to hold out for what I want, know how to articulate who and what kind of relationship I want, and generally raising my self-esteem by raising myself out of my past trauma and current situation. Like you said, it just takes a little healing sometimes.
That's amazing! Thank you so much for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks for responding and all the videos you do! :) @@CrappyChildhoodFairy
It as if you made this video specifically for me. Thank you Anna!
WOW. THIS. I attended your live workshop in NYC and this idea of the cab light and the Quick Fix relationship would have been a BLOCKBUSTER!
Yes, I think we need two workshops -- one focused on relationships and one focused on dysregulation. I'd LOVE to have your feedback in the survey! Hoping you'll send it!