Healthy vs. narcissistic relationships
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
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when you feel alone and your in a relationship. that's a huge red flag.
Amen sis!! Just that alone should speak volumes. Sad to say it took me 36 yrs to learn that. I hope someone reads your your comment and NOT wait 36 yrs. Blessings to you 🙏🏼❤️
I was really lucky. when I started to feel the loneliness we'd only been together for 13 months. 36 years is so hard to imagine. That must really be tough because you have so many memories. I'm glad your out and listening to these videos
@@butslug I just left on Sunday😰 A video came up on my feed the gentleman man is Vernon Howard. I was so down and depressed. This man spoke to the cobwebs in my head for 36 yrs. His talk but the lead back in my spine. Check him😏 As always when listening to anyone I have learned to chew on the meat and spit out the bones😉
there are so many good ones on here. Angie Atkinson is really good to. I listened almost constantly my first month out.
@@butslug Thank you 🙏🏼 If you think of anymore......please let me know. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
In a healthy relationship, your partner will listen to you. Even if you don't agree, you will still feel understood.
That's a really lovely and helpful description, thank you.
That was the most frustrating part. He wouldn't "allow" me to have any equal input or an equal voice in the relationship. (If you can call it that by that stage.) He would interrupt me if I spoke, talk loudly over me, explode over a rational conversation or the more common one - walk out of the room before I got 3 words out. Felt very controlling.
Yes, that's it exactly.
Hope you are long gone
Love your videos too Narc Survivor! 🤗❤️
Healthy Relationship:
You feel safe with them.
They enjoy spending time with you and are aware of your needs.
Your partner listens to you without cutting you mid sentence.
Your partner treats you with respect.
Your partner compliments you and means it. They don't call you unkind names or make horrible jokes at your expense.
If there is a problem, they will work to resolve it with you rather than try to win the argument.
Your partner builds you up.
They respect your boundaries and do not try to pressure you into doing anything against your values.
They respect your decision.
Narcissistic Relationship:
Arguments are unresolved and go round in circles, time and time again.
They have extreme moods. They are charming if things go well for them but have the rage if you ever disagree or say no.
They don't seem to want to know about you as a person but try to rush you into being physically intimate.
They use cliched phrases during the "relationship", especially during lovebombing and hoovering. "I can't live without you" "You're the one" " I want you to be the parent of my children" etc.
They are childish in the way they deal with conflict. They either have temper tantrums or give you the silent treatment.
They do not respect your boundaries and are extremely intrusive.
Every conversation is always about their needs being met and if you hesitate, that sets them off.
You feel uncomfortable and something is off.
Your main emotions during the relationship are guilt, fear and shame.
They simply do not respect you or treat you how you want to be treated.
There's lots more.
Very well said. Thank you! 💕🙏🦋
Perfect description 👍🏽
Extremely precise!
Spot on!
It just felt as if this was a word to word description of my narc boyfriend
"they won't remember things about you outside of an argument but as soon as there's a fight, they know everything"
How true, was with her for four years, I work shift work, but it is always the same schedule, my work gives us a calendar for the year, which I give to the significant people in my life, not once in four years did she know or care when I worked, only cared about what I could do for her.
@@dwaynejacobsen6266 that's awful, i'm so sorry you had to experience that!
@Rachel Bronke 😄😂❤
This 🔥💯
Narc - Sucks the life out of you.
Healthy - Puts life in you.
In a healthy relationship you can actually tell them things about your life that hurts you or embarrass you and it won't be used against you later on. Every unhealthy relationship I ever had used my hurts and insecurities as a weapon against me.
Yesss
Yes I told mine had I Childhood trauma from having my stuff thrown out the house. And guess what the very next big fight she went an entire hour trying to throw my stuff outside it’s like she had super human energy that day I was winded and she was still going mind you I’m fit and works out a lot she doesn’t go to the or anything it was she had almost demon endurance and strength when I got tired .
That's kind of a great test of relationships. If they ever exploit your vulnerabilities you can be absolutely sure you're in bad relationships.
This. Absolutely. When I met my husband (who is the opposite of a narcissist!) He pointed out that I was often silent. To most people i appeared to be an active and very good listener. The underlying function of that however was that i had learned that any admission or expression of vulnerability would be used against me. So I gave nothing at all as a protective measure. It has been a long term effort to over come that tendency to shut down.
He calls me a secret squirrel. That i keep secrets. That if the world knew the real me they would be horrified. The truth is do keep my personal stuff to myself because he claims to be an open book. He hides nothing. But i am not like that. The world will neither benefit nor loose from not knowing my personal business. 😒
A healthy relationship is about you AND your partner whereas a narcissistic relationship is mostly only about your narcissistic partner and how you can fall in line with their life, adjust yourself and put yourself through trauma just so that they get validated.
Spot on!!!
Excellent 👍👌😊⚖️💖💖👌👌👌😀😀😀 comments
XOXOXO 😘💞❤️💋😘💕 HEAL NOW FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS
Very true
Thanks for the realization. I needed to be mindful of this.
That desire to rescue someone and believing in "the one" is exactly what got me into a narcissistic relationship.
Me too
Me too 😔
Ditto
Same
Me too
About 3 months into a healthy relationship, I one day realized my new guy had never “put me down”. It’s been 6 years now. I finally learned to quit waiting, and he still hasn’t put me down or said I am incompetent.
Thank you for sharing. The problem is how we recognize a genuine put down is not always clear when it is a narcissist doing so that we are getting to know better. The biggest red flag to me is when I am experiencing the bumps in a relationship in ways that are making me feel a lot of anxiety some times for no apparent right away reason. Like for example after someone says, "It's a date" - Then over and over again while together on that date being treated only like a second class citizen there. While at the same time on that 'date' overhearing them discuss with a buddy of the same gender their plans for a real date with someone else. If someone does an abrupt change in the way they are treating you only because you are not impressed with their controlling of you too behavior to their liking and so they are off to the races to find a replacement right away during the first year of your friendship while treating you like only a second class citizen from time to time in more than one situation in ways no one else will notice right away then that is a red flag too.
P
Home free. So happy to hear.
I ended a narcissistic verbally abusive relationship 2 years ago. Now another one. Every 2 months he has the Moment of insults on me and My children. Then he Is all nice and kind. Thanks God he Is faraway I am trying to close but very hard
I am so happy for you and I hope I will be in that place too one day soon
Been dating a “healthy” girl for the past year after being with a narc for over 20. Strange how peaceful it is. It’s just nice. I do struggle with how consistent it’s been. I feel like my whole life has been spent putting out fires or walking on eggshells.
Thanks for sharing a healthy story. Ive been wondering about a easy going down to earth partner. I’m so attracted to narcs I actually started thinking about dating people I’m not attracted to. Well not letting them sweep me off my feet so to speak. Ordinary sounds great. My GF keeps promising it will become ordinary but so far it hasn’t. I’m going to try and keep it a open book for a little longer.
#CWB Congratulations!!!
I can relate to this. Dating someone stable and secure after someone narcissistic almost feels surreal. I have to get used to how consistent it is too lol - but I'm very grateful. It feels healing being with someone who assumes the best of you instead of walking through a minefield, wondering if the next thing you do or say will set the person off
In my experience how inconsistent it feels depends a whole lot too on the kind of crowds someone whom I am dating is spending time in too only because I am such an open person that many people here in this city where I live know my life story which is far from ideal. The only solution for me is to take it at snail's pace when it comes to me allowing someone to get to know me in that way. Since I never want to end up feeling like I am having to please the entire oil industry here in Alberta while dating as a senior person now when competing with women less than half my age too at the same time - That so called 'heaven' during dating can wait after I have let go altogether of the possibility of snagging Mr. Right instead of only just relating well to someone of the opposite sex no matter what later what hardships one or both of us will be having to go through. A long time ago I met a man to date like that however after he revealed his feelings for me in our friendship I didn't see a future for us at the time because I just wasn't ready to be in a healthy relationship with anyone at the time. Now I regret it because then I lost a friend too when admitting to him that kind of feeling at the time was too one sided. I lost touch with him soon after. Maybe while both of us were growing as people only because both of us had to make frequent moves across town. He was the same age as me and average looking like me. So don't give up on the possibility of you marrying someone who is healthy again while cultivating friendships with women.
Totally hear you
i'm so tired of being yelled at.
A lifetime of verbal aggression can leave a person begging for silence.
I've loved being isolated, on lockdown. So peaceful.
I can definitely understand that too. The freedom to live as you like, to have your own peace, without another's constant criticism and control.
Yes! My narcissist rage-aholic walked out over a year ago and I was devastated. But now with the pandemic, I am so so grateful to have the peace and quiet. I am feeling calm and centered for the first time in a long time... in a lifetime!
Exactly. The noise of the narcissist is quite literally insane. Silence and stillness is greater than riches.
@@PersonalGrowthNow
Amen
So tired of being yelled at too
❤️ first thing I noticed after several narcissists in a row was that in my (first!) healthy relationship i didn’t have to ASK for affection, it was just freely given
Ashley N,That's the the perfect explanation of a healthy relationship
WOW! I wonder what that’s like.
I keep asking and the response is " fuck, I guess I'm just not good enough for you"
@@gigijoon7663 lol mine told me "I aint got time to be up ur @ss all the time?!!!? This ain't the note book!!!" Lmao
This hit hard. Or beg to be seen
To be in a "healthy" relationship you need to be healthy yourself, otherwise you will only be excited by the "unhealthy" option.
Exactly n this is very important thing to understand sooner than later bcz I think if we fall for narcissist we might have something not normal running inside our mind.
Took me nearly 40 years to learn this lesson. You are 100% correct.
@@80islandia Haha! It's taken me my whole 57 years!! Still not sure I've got it though!!
@@jcsrst : you and me both.
@@jcsrst so true. Blaming is easy all the times. We also need to check our own toxic traits, otherwise we keep falling for toxic people (narcs or not).
During a first date, he got offended that I was looking at the people coming into the restaurant. He asked to switch seats so I can solely focus on him! Took me 4 years to finally open my eyes with the help of prayer to see clearly! Amen!
Felt that. I can’t look at anyone let alone a person or the opposite sex without an argument and weird tension after when we’re outside. Can’t dress the way that makes me happy, can’t be too friendly… it’s who I am. I like fashion and I’m good at talking… if you don’t like that then find someone else stop blaming everything on me and deflecting and trying to change me to fit your perfect person ?
That’s a good one to watch for!
Amen sister...praise Elohim for setting you free! He has done the same for me! However in the past I have neglected my needs during times of intense stress at the hands of various narcissists...then later realised the very real toll their toxic behaviours have had upon my health (Doctor Ramani has another presentation on this)...I have learned how to care for my health again through watching the health lectures of Barbara O'Neill on Living Valley Springs YT channel...with kind regards and prayers for your healing.
A friend had a husband like that. She was getting abused emotionally at home. I asked her to get divorced in heat of moment and regretted. An year later she got divorced.
I am right here praying and trying to figure out how to escape and run…. I literally am doubting my own reality and he is so sick plus lied about soooo much and just wants me to forgive and move forward…. Did you ever feel nauseous like all the time and just so uneasy? HELP Im afraid to leave and don't know why!
In a healthy relationship you build one another up...it’s fulfilling. A narcissist just looks at you as an emotional punching bag or mirror to reflect their “glory”
"every fight with a narcissist is a dirty fight" - my god, if only someone had told me that 20-30 years ago
Dirty as hell
Communication in a healthy relationship is mutual. Never felt heard or understood with a narcissist. In a relationship with a narcissist, it’s all one-sided. A healthy relationship feels warm, free, light, and encouraging. A relationship with a narcissist feels cold, hurtful, and like you are spinning your wheels in the mud. A relationship with a narcissist comes at a cost, you will sacrifice everything and it’s never enough.
True, with a narcissist, you listen their monologues. In a healthy relationship, there is dialogue.
Yes you’re head is spinning in insanity 🙏
@@ozgurerman yes yes yes. I try having dialogue and he only gives a shoulder shrug, nod, smirk or a monologue.
Can relate to every word you have written
Communication is not reciprocal. There's often double standards about basic respect like just being heard or feeling safe enough to speak the truth. Thank god I'm out.
Unhealthy - you feel confused all the time; “did that just happen” is a regular thought
yes, or Why is this happening again???
Yes, that is one of the worst parts. You are in a state of disbelief to think someone who is supposed to love you can do this to you.
@@jenaya_laila2442 yup!
That is where the cognitive dissonance set in and the ruminating begins. Yes it did /happen and yes he/she just said that but it will either be invalidated (gaslighting),minimised or denied. It is absolutely crazy making.
I gave my narc a gift, a nice denim shirt, after 2 months he put it on went to the garage 10 minutes later came back in, he wiped paint all over it, he walked up to me so I could see it then turned around and walked away.
I am so thankful my doctor referred me to you. Lord, please heal me and all who have been in a narcissistic relationship.
Amen. 🙏
Amen
Beloved standing in agreement with you.
Praying for those who have despitefully used us.
AMEN!!
I feel like god is my narcissistic parent... dogma forced on me since birth by parents, having to make decisions about my immortal soul (confirmation) before my brain is fully formed! I'm trying to figure out what I believe. Song lyrics: ...willing to believe in something, forgetting to believe in me...
Why are humans made imperfect then punished, perhaps eternally in Hades, for a drop of sin in the bucket of Life and the endless stream of time? Hmmm... that same god blessed his worshipers with stolen land, approved of the torture and subjugation of the lands' rightful owners... that religion won't even give society an accurate representation of their lord... from that neck of the world blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin? Thought the bible said feet of brass and white wooly hair... hmmmmmmmm
After I divorced my husband many years ago and then talked to him with grandchildren, etc., I realized that he did not know me. He never knew me. The relationship was about him, not me or our children. I am so happy I left when they were still very young.
Just from my experience: shouting. I grew up with a narc parent and had a long-term relationship in my 20s with basically the same dynamics. They both used to shout at me over any little thing.
I have known my not-narc husband since 2014. He has never shouted at me. I don't think I've ever heard him raise his voice properly at anyone. His motto is "if people have got to a point where they are shouting then it means that no-one is listening any more". He is right.
Same here. It has taken me many years and a terribly toxic relationship with a narcissist-psychopath to realize my mother is a narc. Also, during the pandemic, I moved into her home. I am reminded of how I grew up with a lot of yelling and over small things. Nothing is ever good enough. My father was aging and having health issues a few years ago and he moved out to get away from her. She’s not nurturing at all. In fact, we think she enjoys when we are ill. He then divorced her 1 1/2 year ago and I had no idea but he stashed money into a trust for my brother and me before divorcing. He knew he would die before her and that she would never share any money. He died of covid in May. My mother can’t even fake empathy. She continues to try to speak badly of him in his absence and death. She has done this my entire life. I was gaslighted they entire way to 51 years of age. She has zero awareness of how she affects others. She is like a child and entitled. We all felt like visitors in her home. She had more photos of her dogs around the house than her family. She is a hoarder and even hides foods she doesn’t want to share. My poor dad just needed peace in his old age. Now, I am trying to figure out how to avoid intimate relationships with my familiar dynamic with a narc.
@@tw6971 Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you've lost your dad to covid. What a relief that he had the foresight to take care of some financial matters. Wishing you the best in healing.
My narc hubby does not yell but shutdowns and gives me the silence treatment. For me his silence is violence because he does it on purpose for days, weeks and months. Total ignoring. It’s unbearable
i too grew up with shouting(and often swearing) narcs. as an adult if anyone raises their voice to me i go into panic mode. your husband is so right . thank you for sharing
With mine it was a cold, vicious tone, not screaming. Terrifying. I once asked if he spoke to anyone else the way he spoke to me, and his answer was opposing witnesses in depositions. So, me and the people he considered enemies.
Respect and trust was the difference between the two.
HOW CAN U GET RESPECT FROM A PREDATORS ABUSE?????
YOU CAN'T
DON'T BOTHER
THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS ARE PREDATORS OF ABUSE!!!
THEY ARE GREAT AT ,BEING COMPULSIVE , PATHOLOGICAL LIARS.....THEIFS, AND PREDATORS OF ABUSE IS THE DIFFERENCE.... THEY ARE OFTEN SEXUAL PREDATORS OF ABUSE TOWARDS CHILDREN GIRLS WOMEN AND ANIMALS
XOXOXO 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘 HEAL NOW 🙏🙏❤️🙏🙏🛐🛐⚔️🤩❤️❤️❤️❤️
How can one who doesn't matter in the eyes of another get respect? The premise of narcissists is that they matter and you don't. You are just a source of supply.
It truly is a freeing experience. I met my narc when I was young. I was so naive, unexperienced sexually and had a long history of abuse in my childhood. Practically a gold mine to him lol. He was older and took advantage. Well after 8 long years of back and forth, discard, as well as emotional, physical and mental abuse I finally got the courage to leave him and it’s been nothing but blessings ever since. Literally as soon as I let him go God blessed me with the man He called me to marry ❤️. It was hard in the beginning but my fiancé was so patient and loved me through all my healing. To this day my narc still tries to linger periodically but I no longer give a damn! The best way I can describe the difference is one makes you thrive and the other makes you cry. Be blessed y’all. You deserve all the love you give! It’s not worth it.
This gives me hope that I can leave my toxic relationship and find someone good for me
I've never had one healthy relationship in my entire life. Not one. I feel like an alien on some Planet Narcissist where the elusive healthy person is an extinct being. Thank you for your videos. Such a breath of sanity here.
I'm the same. I turn 41 soon. I'm sure there's a lot more like us.
Same here! I've stopped dating completely because I just can't go through that again
me too. i just broke up from my 3rd unhealthy relationship and i'm so tired. i really just want something healthy for once and I wonder to myself do healthy relationships even exist at all or am I really just unlucky? i've never even witnessed a healthy relationship in my life. my parents werent healthy, theyre now divorced and both of their new relationships w their fiancees are unhealthy. my friends relationships are unhealthy and their parents too are unhealthy. do healthy relationships then maybe exist but are like super very rare? as i said, i'm really tired
I'm wondering what's wrong with me
Same here. I’ve kind of had one or two but the bull have been utter narc nightmares. Signing my divorce papers tomorrow; I have to save myself for my child.
I’m in a healthy relationship with my husband and I can guarantee that on the outside it looks ordinary and unlike the stuff you see in romcoms, which I always thought was something I wanted. Growing up in an unstable home, there’s something so comforting about the “mundane”. Our every day acts of love are more memorable and dear to me than the grandiose shows of affection. We’re far from perfect of course. Over the years we’ve grown as people with each other’s help and still continue to learn. In that way, it’s never truly “boring”
True I have learnt this... Amazing partner don't usually seem like the ideal romantic Partner to the world but the do sure make you feel like a queen.
That's so sweet. I feel like i deserve this but need to give people a chance first, i am far too closed up, from all the trauma.
Yes! Perfectly put! But it's really sad that most movies,books and tv shows present such an unhealthy picture of love that we grow up with. It really disorients what love should look like.
I'd rather feel safe with my partner than be swept off my feet. Unfortunately ,it took a toxic relationship for me to learn this valuable lesson. But often the pursuit of knowing what you want comes from knowing what you don't want!
@@winnieamar9368 Safe is the key word.
For me I decided to base my relationship on the bible. The bible says husband love your wives as Christ loved the church giving himself up for her. If a man can't sacrifice for you they don't love you. A man ought to be connected to God for him to love properly
Watching these has made me realize that I am 33 and have never had or even know what a healthy relationship looks like. I have only ever been with narcissists. During this pandemic, I realized that my father and most of my older family members on both sides are pathological narcs and I immediately got a therapist and started watching your videos. But Dr. Ramani, through your dedication and thorough guidance on this topic, it has really grounded me in truth & reality, helping me learn an entirely new way of approaching relationships. Thank you for making this video to compare and shine a light on what "healthy" is supposed to look like, because honestly I didn't even fully realize that I had no idea. It helps to balance the offset of getting too caught up in the grief of unhealthy patterns and start consciously replacing them with good ones. My gratitude for you is immense. I'm also sharing your videos with my younger sister, mother, and aunt. We all struggle the same. It will end with us. Thank you for your contribution xx
I used to say, "arguing with him was like bringing a plastic spork to a steel knife fight."
My marriage to a narcissist is a toxic one. He’s cruel to me and sooooooo charming on the outside. I just learned the term “gas light.” I always felt those feelings but referred to it as a “mind f*”. He has felt entitled to cheat on me. It’s rare that he’ll apologize for anything but when he does it’s with heavy sarcasm, “well I’m SORRY.” I’m thinking “well, he apologized,” but of course, he didn’t. I’ve been married to him for 23 years. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world but it has become a living nightmare. We are now separated for 18 months and I’m starting to detox. I admit there’s still a very strong bond but I now see how damaging it is - almost suicidal.
Hope all is well ❤️
Don't forget the classic: "Im sorry BUT..."
@@maggiemgee5418 Yep, and when you set boundaries to not communicate for some time, 15 minutes later they keep complaining they "JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE.." but when you give the chance they start complaining about what you did to upset them.
Im really sorry you went through that. You dont deserve that
I was only with my ex for 8yrs and I felt lost at the idea of losing someone that close. It is painful but its a bullet/arrow you need to eventually pull out.
I feel like my narcissistic relationship actually felt slow, it went so fast at the beginning with the love bombing then suddenly stopped and it never went further than that, I don’t feel like there was any real connection and I was so bored, dates felt empty it’s like we didn’t even talk? It was just alcohol and trying to take advantage of me. when I cut him off I went on a coffee date for a few hours and felt more connection and genuine care than I ever felt in that year long traumatic narcissistic situationship
biggest differences to me:
1. feeling like my BEST version of me with my partner instead of feeling like i had to make myself smaller in order to make the relationship work with my ex.
2. being listened to and he actually remembers everything i say no matter what level of importance. he remembers things i tell him about my family, friends, work, childhood, my favorite things, etc. my ex couldnt even "remember" where i lived, or what i studied in college because of "memory problems"/"adhd" (he just couldnt give a f*** about me).
3. my partner introduced me to his parents and sister early on, and ive been invited to every family dinner. i've been to his work and met his coworkers. he posts and tags me on social media as his girlfriend. my ex i'm pretty sure kept me a secret from his family and friends, or if they did know about me, i was labeled "just a friend"
4. THE LYING. I was lied to so much in my past relationships. about everything to the point where, looking back, i have to assume that everything was untruthful; i cannot tell what was a lie and what wasnt, but most things turned out to be a lie. i have some trust issues now but my partner is super understanding, wants to help, and supports me through it while i work on it in therapy. if i came to my ex about anything like that he would probably say "why cant you just get over it"
5. prioritizing sex. my ex's top priority was having sex.i felt very used. to my partner now, its just an added bonus to a great friendship and relationship.
6. conversations are 50/50 and i feel heard. instead of 90/10 MAYBE 85/10 on a good day with the narcissist. if i talked a lot he would literally fall asleep or start walking away, or get on his phone/computer. my partner NEVER does those things, and is the best listener ever.
7. feeling happy like this is where i belong. in my relationship now it feels like what i always wanted but never thought was possible. i am happy and feel light. my partner improves my life and makes it happier and easier. when i was with the narcissist my intuition was trying to tell me i was in the wrong place. i couldnt leave, i felt needed, i was empathetic to him while he was discarding me and disrespecting me the whole time. i had nightmares every night and panic attacks. i finally left after some huge bombs were dropped and immediately felt free.
to anyone out there reading this, just close the door on the narcissist, run as fast as you can, and try your hardest to never look back.
soundcloud.com/daughtertheresa/spirit
The things that I have noticed that are wildly different from my past narcissistic relationship and my current one is that the way we approach problems or issues is so much more open and honest. I can literally just say can we talk about this and he will actually take the time to hear what I'm saying instead of what it was like previously where the issue would get pinned on me and i would be left questioning everything. Also the mutual appreciation and pride we both have for each other is something that I never experienced.
Yes, the problematic nar could never keep calm to listen to your point of view. Nar could just walk away from a conversation.
Same here, the “arguments“ are sorted out in a few sentences and not hours/days of conflict and no solutions. It’s fantastic, so calm and easy.
they just dont listen n keep talkn n takn n takn
This was my experience exactly with the narc. We NEVER came to resolution on anything I raised, she would always just highlight my faults or past mistakes and talk nonstop about that. So exhausting...
To sum up what I learned; narcissistic relationship is hard, healthy relationship is easy! That was the difference!
I totally agree with you
Do easy relationships exist?
@@Singleredrose On the easier side then :)
Candice F,you are absolutely right 🤙
Healthy relationship: love,respect,care,.narc- cheat,affairs,disrespect, pain,abandonment
Ah very true
First of all they do not know what love means
Not only to life partners
But for parents and siblings also.
If the parents die they cry or show sadness because others do
If siblings going through health or Any issues
They show concerns , but they are not real
They want to appear real in front of others , the public image is important to them
Dr ramani is soo right 200% percent
Each and every word in this video is true
God bless you dr ramani for educating the community
@@mjayanthi3425 candid
Deception is how they roll.
Text & call 10x a day - live bomb
very true Shilpa, they cheat n lie whn caught n whn i said wht if it was me. response was i am a man n we r different
In a non-narcissistic relationship:
- My boundaries are respected in every single way.
- My partner respects my emotions and supports me when I'm depressed, and actually finds a perfect way to be next to me when I cry.
- I feel comfortable and safe all the time I'm with my partner.
- He supports all my interests.
- He respects and is really nice to all my friends and all my family and actually initiates contacting them a lot.
- He admits he made a mistake if I tell him I don't feel comfortable about something.
- No jealousy at all. We're usually equally interested in people we like and don't compete for each other's attention (well I used to a bit).
- No feeling of guilt or shame because of my partner (although some other people still can make me feel that sometimes)
- I know it won't be a problem to split up if I ever decide to.
In a narcissistic relationship:
- I wasn't allowed to decide, where my boundaries were the narcissist intruded in the toilet, when I was inside, just because he wanted to see me there. I was forced to provide sex, even though I used to cry and bet not to. For not agreeing to be raped, I was blamed for being a bad, unloving person (I was actually in love with him before the relationship and for a while in the relationship).
- He shouted at me every time he needed something: to let him rape me, to marry him, to change my maiden name to his family name, to go on a trip I couldn't go to because of my job and study.
- He didn't like some of my family members.
- I was punished when I cried: the narcissist shouted at me because for him most of my reasons were not good enough to give me the right to cry.
- I was told to give up the activity I loved: I danced regularly and the narcissist claimed it was not healthy to be too fond of something like I was fond of dancing.
- He attended a couple of events where I was performing, after that he said he was not interested.
- There was a lot of jealousy and suspicion that I cheated on him.
- The narcissist constantly offended my friends, he used adjectives like stupid, ugly, etc.
- The narcissist could mock the way I talk in front of his friends (I didn't really spend much time with mine and actually because of him I hardly had any).
- I constantly felt guilt and dreamt of getting out of that relationship.
- I knew it was almost impossible to get out of it, and it turned out incredibly hard to, because no one supported me in this decision and many people blamed me for "hurting" their beloved narcissist because I decided to divorce him.
Hi Alina, I so very much hope that you managed to get out and have found a way to heal especially from the sexual trauma which inflicts so much injury on all levels. I hope you found the strength to begin a new wonderful life for yourself.
In a healthy relationship one feels empowered to be and grow into the fullness of one's potential. One feels safe; safe to try and take risks. In an unhealthy relationship there is hopelessness, no drive, no motivation, loss of esteem, loss of purpose, loss of self. One feels extremely exposed, threatened and unsafe.
After years of dealing with these kind I had to start journaling unapologetically after every encounter. It sounds a bit much but being groomed as a child for this mess I needed to validate my experiences, feelings, and write down how the individual reacted to my boundaries. My Boundaries are now firm and healthy respectful people are in my life 🤗.
A normal relationship gives me more peace. A relationship with a nar was up and down, She made me feel like I was a king and a slave in a same time, unhealthy.
After breaking up with a nar, I only want peace, I don’t even want to be loved
I am scared of being loved or even being attractive to anyone..i just want myself back
same
@@shreyashichatterjee4707 me too, like I make myself ugly on purpose in public (will never wear makeup or my hair down) because I just don't want anyone to see me in that way and when I notice someone "checking me out" which is a perfectly normal thing for them to do I just feel a really high level of anxiety because I have so much trauma from the relationship
It’s sad that I don’t know a healthy relationship.
It is! I don't either! I thought it was a fallacy!!
A true healthy relationship, is not with another, its with yourself that why 🙏
You're not alone. I have no idea what a real loving and unconditional love relationship feels like. We were supposed to learn this type of love from our families. So sad but true.
@@SM-jw5si not with a narc tho 😊
I don’t either. It’s ok, we’re learning and growing- because we’re not narcissists.:)
Every mother should share this video with their daughter(s) of age. I wish I watched this earlier. Girls listen to your gut- we know; we always know. We just need to be wise enough to listen to that lone voice inside all along ❤️❤️❤️
My mother is a narcissist and I was married to a narcissist for 26 years. It is important for all children to understand healthy relationships.
I've never been in a healthy relationship 😭😭😭
More videos on this will be greatly appreciated.
We get help from God, in some way 🙏
Agreed!
You deserve for someone to ACTUALLY care about you and listen to you!! So don't EVER settle 💅 even if you want the attention from the lovebombing narcissist, it's not worth the years of trauma and abuse they will def give you.
I have been on both and one of the biggest differences are in the healthy one you both want to make up after a fight and with a narcissist there is no apology they did nothing wrong.
Wow, yes. My last narcissist NEVER APOLOGIZED for anything. Actually, one time I forced him to apologize for an accusation I proved wrong. I would not stop until he apologized. He finally did....while laughing and being dismissive .
My X never felt sorry nor said sorry.
Mine never apologizes, he blames me for everything. He says: " Maybe I didn't react ok, but I did that because of you" or "you made me hide things from you because you are jelous" or " I don't even remember why we start fighting because you said so many stupid things and you are very sensitive" and the list could go on and on...
@@carolynmccall7592 The same with mine, unfortunately we are together for 16 years and I am trapped in this relationship...I can't get out....
Or they apologize but gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting and invalidating your feelings and boundaries.
I remember feeling shocked that it was ok to say no in a healthy relationship. “No, sorry, I don’t have time for that today but I’ll help you tomorrow” was met with “okay thanks!” Instead of being yelled at or criticized or told things like “my ex always helped me when I wanted” The next day when we met up I was again surprised with a thank you gift for helping.. I laughed because in a toxic relationship even after helping I usually got yelled at for it not being enough... like I’m required to do everything and then maybe get a thank you (or, more likely, still criticized for not helping sooner) Also I felt shocked how many times I’m asked (In the healthy relationship) if I need or want anything. If I ever have a bad day there’s a surprise on the counter that afternoon of my favorite dessert.. compared to with a narcissist I got mocked and criticized if I ever felt down about anything. In a healthy relationship we can even laugh during an argument, like “I read in the newspaper that you love decorating rooms with dozens of hair tyes”. Lol and then we clean together. With a narcissist they shout at you for everything.
Would LOVE a video about healthy family relationships. I’m always wondering what healthy sibling or parent/child relationships look like.
What a great idea!
Yes!
Narcissistic relationship leaves you feeling emotionally drained and struggling to find your center and you lose track of who you are at the core. Healthy relationship helps you grow, it makes you feel safe, heard and your core values are respected.
Been married for almost 7 years and I'm so tired of being misunderstood and having to always justify myself.
Tiring and draining
I didn’t marry it but was in it 6 years. Now out , all I can say is I can breathe again. Get out ! Get out and stay out.
This is what's overwhelming for me. I know what a healthy relationship should be, I see other couples with their truly lovely bonds, but now I know I've never been loved in this kind and unconditional way. It is a hurtful hammer blow to come to terms with after thirty years but I'm still much happier now that I've walked out.
Hello to you. Don't you worry.I had been waiting for a non toxic relationship for about 16 years. Now I am 43 and I have been in a relationship with a kind man for about one and half year. ...there is always somebody waiting for us 😉
I wish you all the best 🍀
Thank you Zuzka.
Totally relate.
I wish you would soon meet a perfect man who loves you for who you are, treat you with respect and bring you peace. Very proud of you that you could walk out of a narcissistic relationship, not that easy.
Thank you Visaoradi. I have a puppy now who thinks the world of me!
And there must be a lot of narcissists out there going by how many people view this. I no longer feel alone. I wished I knew about narcissists years ago. Thank- you once again for your talk
Dr. Ramani, I have never heard of anyone talk about pouring your heart out to a narcissist about the way you feel and they always say you preaching to them. A stab in the heart is what you feel. Any thing over 5 minutes is preaching.
Safety, no drama, joy, feeling relaxed and peaceful, being yourself, being ok with not being perfect, it's ok to make mistakes, good communication.
Narc: tumultuous, a lot of drama and confusion, never feeling good enough (!), always looking for appreciation, real affection, real connection on an emotional level, etc.
With a narcissist, male, you will feel as you are NEVER HEARD. Even for the smallest thing like what to get for takeout.....it will always be what he wants. In a healthy relation you will have a voice.
True, but female narcs can be just as bad. It really depends more on the type of narc or individual rather than gender.
Not for covert male relationships. My ex was fine with my making every decision. He loved being cared for.
@@serenityjewel Interesting. These men have a sick obsession with control so it’s interesting your ex wasn’t this way too.
THE ACCURACY!! I'll be surprise if my narcissistic ex would wake up one day and ask "what do you want us to do today? What do you want to eat?" it always his choice of food, his choice of music etc
This! I would make so many suggestions of things we could do together and I’d be met with “that’s boring” or “that’s too much work.” If I pushed or begged enough he’d begrudgingly do something I wanted to do, but would roll his eyes and act very bothered by it the whole time.
Just wanna let you know that I dated a couple narcissists and first dates were pretty ordinary. Sometimes they don’t fit into those red flags and sometimes they do. But it’s good to be aware. I actually “dodged a few bullets” lately thanks to people like you who educate people like me. Thank you so much!!! 🙏🏻
For me - Beginning months - Healthy guy saw me weekly but had friends and a life of his own. Narc had no friends and needed me every single day and was 24/7 with me and love bombing. Healthy person put up clear boundaries and expectations such as "I believe in monogamy and if you sleep with anyone else you are choosing to not be in a relationship with me". Narc would threaten to kill himself and would self harm in front of me to make sure I didn't leave. One was voluntary and a choice and the other was coercive. Healthy person had empathy when I got sick and Narc had contempt that he needed to help do anything at all. Healthy person wanted to go out and do things (festivals and plans) while narc wanted to sit home and smoke weed and refused to allow the kids or myself to do activities and when he did you would think he gave a kidney to do them. Healthy person encouraged me to see family and friends and have a life of my own. Narc isolated me and even lied to me about my friends and seeing one friend every six months meant he needed to watch his own kids so I eventually never saw my friends. Healthy person wanted to explain and show me things they are interested in and were happy to show me or explain. Narc just calls me stupid for not knowing and I have to figure it out on my own while be called names for not knowing things.
Same experience her. Isolation. Needing me 24/7. Not allowed to have boundaries. No empathy when ill ( I have a chronic pain illness) He " missed me when I was ill" so I had to get well quickly to be there for him again. Never wanted to do ANYTHING but sit at home and watch tv. Frequent angry outburst over the tiniest little conversations...🤬🤬 and then love bombing me or extreme range or future faking when he detected that I may want to leave...
In healthy relationships u feel comfortable & happy, instead of confusion & frustration!!!
Correct
We should start to say; 'crazy-making' rather than 'gaslighting' - crazy-making is much more descriptive.
Totally agree with you, Bill! After so many times of arguments, I used to say many times to myself and to my ex, “this is crazy making!” I had no idea it was gaslighting. I’m happy to know other people feel this way and am on high alert for this type of behavior.
Lol I've always been able to stand up for myself so if someone tried to gaslight me it never worked... Like denying actual evidence ... I always thought there was something wrong with them instead of thinking I'm the one who's wrong because we both have eyes and we are seeing that the sky is blue why are we now going to argue about it because the other person has a sickness.
Ah "crazy making" ✋😩 that's the right word for gaslighting ‼
I agree
True, but I love the movie and I think everyone should see it, Gaslight
For me the biggest different is cognitive dissonance. "What the hell just happened"? You shrink, wonder, withdraw, embarrassed, question, doubt...and, with my true friends- I receive a validating eye contact, smile or words. Good friends respond, feels good. I relax. Nark responds, I feel pinged, stung, belittled...or like I have to defend myself. I'm on high alert.
In my healthy relationship I never felt lied to or manipulated and I felt I could always be myself. In the narc relationship I was always tired, never felt like myself, was anxcious all the time, I hid myself for people. Overall it just didn't feel right, except for the love bombing stage, which lasted about a year I think.
I don’t even know what a normal relationship is 😞 Thank you for this video.
same here
Neither do I
Thank You Dr Ramani!
(I'm in a healthy relationship!...with myself... ;)
Getting in it as well. It's so free of any bs :)
Fully support this! Good job!
toxic partners can rub their stench off on you and negatively affect your future relationships. their shitty behavior can sometimes act as a blueprint for how things might play out between you and someone who might actually be good for you. makes me so damn angry.
I wish I would’ve seen this video before I wasted 5 years of my young life with a narcissist. This video tells my story from start to finish. I actually tried to hold back the tears I got flashbacks, especially during the part where you speak about moving in with a narcissist. Everything that happened between us feels like one big nightmare and mistake. It was all for nothing. I got nothing out of it, now I’ve been single for almost two years and won’t let anybody get close to me as I am still exhausted and I feel like I have no more to give to anyone but myself.
Ha! Spot on! NEVER move into a narcissists place! It will never feel like YOUR home!
Letting them move in with you is no better. They will slowly try to take over
To start with, healthy relationships felt extremely uncomfortable for me because I was suspicious of people's genuine kindness and interest in me as a person who I really am. I felt that I wasn't good enough to be their friend in case I would make a mess of the conversation, or if there's something really wrong with me that they would eventually see.
I get this! I think that is part of the importance of getting therapy, establishing a healthy lifestyle, and growing for some time before entering into any other relationship.
@@amelajay thank you for the reply :) Glad to hear I'm not alone. Absolutely agree, therapy has been amazing
OMG YES THIS IS WHAT I FELT BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE.
@@reginageorge3178 It's hard to know what's going on when you're in the thick of it
He was super nice to everyone. He was too friendly with everyone but I didnt see it then. He was so deliberate that I think he must be a sociopath. I am so very happy I got away!
Feeling the need to rescue someone, as a red flag; thank you SO MUCH for covering this. They ask for your help whenever they feel you pulling away and trying to live your own life, and because they are self-pitying, or seem vulnerable, even crying or berating themselves to make you feel sorry for them, it doesn't fit with our typical expectations of a charismatic, grandiose narcissist.
The best way it was described to me is, they get what they want. Some narcissists want praise, others want pity. Some want to be esteemed and use their skills to gain prestige, while others play a victim role and actively seek caregivers and empaths who will provide for them, without every returning the same level of affection, respect or appreciation.
Even when the shouting and berating, neglect and depreciation begin to be overwhelming, they will constantly give you just enough hope that they'll change, that it's not their fault, that it's their upbringing, or bad habits. But when confronted with the opportunity to change, they shift the blame back to you, causing self doubt, and gaslighting you into thinking you're in the wrong, to sensitive, not understanding enough or at fault in some way.
For reference I was in 2 relationships, both of 7 years. I knew what a healthy loving relationship was from my first partner, we didn't work out and most of that was on me. But I knew what it was to feel loved and appreciated. Even people who have had healthy romantic relationships can get caught in narcissistic ones if they have had family and platonic relationships that normalised narcissism and gaslighting.
Be strong enough to believe you can do better, set boundaries, enforce boundaries, keep your friends close, and don't let them wear away your vibrant soul. If you see red flags, get out, it never gets better. I saw them at the beginning, and kept trying to fix myself to be 'good enough' but of course it never worked. If anyone read this and is still in a narcissistic relationship, do what you need to do to get out. You cannot save someone like this. If they wanted to change, they would put in the effort and change.
When you were talking about people justifying the narcissist behavior I thought about how that applies to me. Coming from an abusive ichildhood I don't see me justifying the narcissist today. What I have learned is is to take little pieces of kindness and ignore the rest. Taking crumbs instead of Holding out for a loaf. Thanks to your videos I am learning that love and abuse don't belong in the same sentence. Thank you so so much.
This is so deep, and I needed to hear it today. It's been 10 months since SHE actually ended it… thankfully. Every time I start to miss her, and start justifying her behaviour, I watch one of these videos and it basically slaps some sense into me. Thank you so much! Keep on keeping on.
I've been doing the same and realizing it wasn't my fault. I have to go back to these videos and start believing instead of excusing.
Totally feel you! I nearly went back my choice because of missing him. I realised what it was like to be prioritised by someone and realised I never was by him in fact I was the bottom of the pile because that was what he thought of me. It was sole destroying but feeling prioritised changed it for me and I know I’ll never go back and these videos stop me from feeling the traumatic flash backs
absolutely
For me the difference has been a lot less pressure and crossing of boundaries, and a lot less drama all round.
For lack of a better descriptor, healthy relationships are “boring”. It’s a good thing.
Right! ❤️
Absolutely agree. I would rather use the term "non-glamorous", or "drama-free", kind of very monotonous. Because they are totally at peace with themselves. Have seen so many friends in such healthy relationships.
Yeah boring is correct term, many narcissistic people claim they want drama free which means fake and ignoring/not dealing with conflict in a healthy manner...especially if they are to be held accountable
@@sf4010 I relate to this. One had this very composed and collected demeanour about him and claimed to hate conflict. For him, talking about an imperative issue that requires depth and understanding, meant "overthinking ", and he would never "overthink"- "it's for people who don't have any work to do" that's what he said. Obviously communication is very tough with these people, so I begun accumulating stuffs in me, but the day I finally confronted him, was a bit storming upon (ofcourse I had to someday), he discarded me totally! 🤣
Because you know, he "hates conflicts! " 🤣
I think these people are different from healthy people in a way that their "claims" don't match with their realities. They are big claimers!
@@shellym1736 yep thats exactly what I experienced
You described my first date to a “T”. He was the perfect gentleman we meet at a restaurant, he brought roses. We walked in, he was VERY friendly with the hostess cracking jokes and same with the waitress. He sat across from me at first, then next to me, he asked what I wanted, I told him, then he ordered from both of us. He held my hands, told me how beautiful I was... yada yada yada. Then we left and walked on the riverfront, he then proceeded to tell me he was looking for a serious relationship!!! Looking back I saw the red flags but for the reasons you stated overlooked them. He lovebombed me, gifts, roses every weekend! He did call me repeatedly and would get upset when I didn’t answer... I stayed in the relationship for 10 months.. He dropped his mask at about 6 months..EVERYTHING you are saying I experienced. The BAD DRIVING yes!!! He was a truck driver!! The temper, the hot/cold, being happy one minute going to rage 10 mins later over nothing!!! Nitpicking me over how I dressed, what to wear, how to fix my hair, make up, EVERYTHING!!! Until finally it hit me that I was with a full blown childish narcissist who turned into a 9 year old little boy whenever he got mad. I decided I had enough and immediately blocked him!! Still for the next few months he would try to contact me through my adult children. Smh
The difference is now so obvious to me! Almost 11/2 years ago I changed the locks to my house. Finally I managed to put my foot down. Shortly after I meet the nicest, cutest man. Believe me. I was on guard! Everything he did and still does is exactly as described by Ramani! Finally, I have the strenght to continue my dream of becoming self-employed and support others who have experienced what it means to live in a big lie. Welcome out of the fog! Listen and learn from what your body is screaming at you. Best regards Diana
For me being in a healthy relationship made me see that is easy! No more dramas all the time! No walking on eggshells, feel you can talk about everything and to see that the other person puts the same effort in making the relationship work and being happy together! I’m so grateful to be where I am now! 💕
This is an excellent and clear explanation which should act as a light bulb, for anyone hanging in doubt, to get out!💡👍
Indeed
Punishment is a biggee...in narc relationship, even in early stage, if their ego isn’t stroked you get punished in a covert way. That does not happen in a healthy relationship.
Narcisist either GUSH you are .”’best”. Or snotty dismissive / NO HAPPY MEDIUM!
S. MILLER - EXCELLENT ! It's what I'm doing right now... Even though the outcome for me is hideously negitive, I've already dealt with a slew of Narcs. I leave one in exchange for another... I'm not even talking about romantic relationships. Family members and some friends. I do however have TWO wonderful girlfriends that have my back.
@@SM-jw5si I forgot how to thread to someone... I answered below someone else.
Dr RAMANI MY NARCISIST BROTHER is a lawyer! Ugly-and wants to hold a grudge/ how he loves to HATE ME..63 years
True🎼🏳️🌈🙏😎⚔️⚖️⚔️😎🙏🎼🎼🙏⚔️⚖️👻👻👻👻👻 HAPPY HALLOWEEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀😈😈👿😈😈👿😈👿💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
I left my marriage to a narcissist over 3 years ago. This video is so accurate of our dating and early relationship.
Now I’m back in the dating world and everything feels boring. It’s definitely an adjustment but a welcome sense of peace and calm.
I loved how you explained the healthy first date. I have struggled to explain to others how simple and easy the beginning of my relationship with my husband was. Everyone wants fireworks, as if that is some indication of longevity in a relationship. To be honest, the beginning of my relationship was kind of boring! I was cautious. I wasn’t anxious to rush things. I took my time and kept my emotions in check. I spoke up when I had an issue and expressed every boundary. Things were just ordinary, like you said.
I was in a narcissistic relationship with my first boyfriend. I had been too terrified of other people to date until I was 28 years old and was desperate. So I took up with a guy I wasn't a big fan of, but he was the only guy offering. He was so self-deprecating and sounded like someone who had such poor self esteem and made me feel uncomfortable. But after a few dates, I started feeling like we could heal each other. Big mistake.
He constantly brought up old girlfriends like he was always comparing us. He talked openly about a trip he took with his last girlfriend in detail and then said, "hey, we should go there!" What, so you can relive a memory with an old flame? He openly told me our first date that he had front row tickets to a concert he had bought "to impress another girl" but would I go? That first night he gave me a gift of a scanty lingerie. I was too inexperienced to realize any of this was weird. And I even wondered if that gift had been re-appropriated from said other girl he was trying to woo. Throughout the first year he kept trying to get me to grow my hair long, and buy certain clothes, because that's what he liked on women...as I saw pictures of his last girlfriend to accentuate the point...
He got into horrible fights with my parents, so much that they hated him and I got the third degree from them as well. I felt like I was living a double life. I couldn't talk about my relationship with my parents, nor mention any recommendation from my dad to my boyfriend without him flying off the handle that I was considering doing something in a way HE did not condone or come up with first. When none of my friends liked him, and I had to preface any get together to my friends to not contradict him because he gets upset... that should have told me a lot.
After a year, he no longer wanted to touch me or spend time with me. He blamed both on me. He had no interest in what I did for a living or hobbies I had. When I expressed a need for counseling with him, he at first said he would, and then pinned the need for it on me solely. I was always wrong, even if I was doing something the way he had demanded I do it two days before. He was a constant walking contradiction, and always felt he was one second away from dropping me like a hot potato at a moment's notice. I never felt safe, and after a while, felt like he earnestly did not like me.
Contrast that with my husband who asks about everything I do so he understands the process of all my artistic pursuits, initiates intimacy, and will even take a sick day out of work to be with me on my birthday. We respect each other and discuss everything, without blame or shame.He gets along with my parents to a fault, despite how he hates seeing how they treat me. I feel so lucky to have found him. Sure, I have nightmares where he leaves me because I finally was "too much" for him, but that's just old wounds resurfacing. He is so special.
This spoke to me deeply. Thanks for sharing
Me, too, thank you for sharing your story.
This touched home for me; it’s like you were telling the story of my relationship now. Ending it.
Yeah, the comparison part is weird and creepy, but I guess not uncommon. Mine would constantly bring up his ex-wife, even detailing their "great" sex life at times and repeat it over the years, even if calling her nuts and everything else in the book (she cheated on and left him and was rather vicious). Heck, even decades later. At first, I thought it was because they dated in high school, but it was just this tick with him and no doubt learned behavior too as another sibling of his would be pretty cruel to his wife. I felt like I not only had to deal with narcissism but was being punished for everything she ever did, was less than, and just for existing as a woman. And I'm probably not far off the mark. Glad you got out okay!
I hope I can find someone like your husband
None of the pit in the stomach feeling. {insert big sigh} I needed this clarification. And this brings up for me that I want to work in myself more, including my ability to articulate and speak clearly.
I was so confused why I had to argue every other day... Honestly this is a serious matter... This for me was mental illness. I was trying hard to infuse joy into this man's life... That he started making fun or me being positive.,. He was calling me being phony... SMH. I left him like yesterday... I wasn't even in love... It was attachment and petty to date him
My ex and my exMI always called me naive and too trustworthy.. while being positive is way better than being so pessimistic all the time, right? 🤷
That’s a key component: Attachment. I feel like everyone at some point becomes exhausted and grows to find the Narc unbearable at some point. I feel like we subconsciously and even consciously realize we don’t even like (or even care about) The Narc because of them being so repugnant all the time. But we stay around them purely because of attachment issues and some of our own toxic “fixing traits.” It’s a good thing to want to be able to nurture someone, but you just can’t do it to a person who is taking nonstop and abusive.
Good you wont waste more life & energy!
@@bluenuttefly8813 well at least your heart is in the right place :)
@@bluenuttefly8813 thank you! :) Have a nice day ^^
After a long history of multiple relationships with narcissists it was confusing when I finally found a healthy one. I kept waiting for the drama that never came. He took his time to get to know me, it took months before meeting friends and family, he has always and still shows up when he says he will, and is sooo supportive. If there is ever conflict he actually wants to talk about it calmly, listens to what I have to say, and works towards a compromise/resolution. Honestly, it still blows my mind that a relationship can be so easy and comfortable.
I’ve been watching all of your videos. I’m shocked that I didn’t even realize I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship. I’m so blinded that I don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like!!! Thank you for this!!! I needed this one.
It’s funny because I now realize that I have always pushed away healthy relationships from the moment they materialized because I thought they were unhealthy. That’s what happens when all you know are actual unhealthy relationships. Thank you so much for all of your content, you’ve literally made my year and helped me discover so much about myself. I’m ready to get the therapy I need now.
A topic that I'm curious for you to talk about is whether there's a connection or not with narcissists and how much they obsess over money and financial status. Like, do they obsess over their bank account and criticize others for their poor financial decisions?
My real life experience, my ex nar cried and begged me to buy a house for her mum. Once, she got the house for her mum, she discarded me. She then hoovered, and promised to change if I buy a second house with her. And 8 weeks after the purchasing of the second house she discarded me.
Nar really have problems with financial, they want to show to the rest of the world how successful they are. And material (money, house, car) is one of the way to prove to the public
YES, they solely judge people based on their financial well-being and job title, because at the end of the day they want to surround themselves with people that can get things done for them, not who they are
Bettina Levy Oh, Man I’ve done that. But not anymore & came to the conclusion It is because of being very insecure about money in the first place & not wanting to go down on someone else’s sinking financial ship. Narcs use money to control people for sure tho. Unfortunately, Our culture greatly rewards narcissism.
Visaoradi 2212 Narcs love agreeable & gullible people. The stuff my step-dad put up with my mother was unbelievable.
Some narcissists go the other way with first dates - little effort at choosing a place, talking ONLY about themselves, generally devaluing your interests and experiences... not all narcs are 'successful' at reeling in other people.
I went from being married to an overt narcissist, to being in an 18 year long relationship with a covert narcissist. I am now so fearful of dating at all! I have been out of the latter relationship for 2 years! They literally suck the goodness out of you, it is exhausting!!! I would know what a normal relationship even looked like. Thank you Dr Ramani for all of your input!
Along with that perfection is the ability to look affable and gregarious around others for business reasons. Then when alone, the icy, hypercritical behavior resumes, while the people you just left are thinking what a wonderful, successful person your narcissist is. The other people can even be your extended family, leaving you looking like the one with a problem and with no one to talk to.
OMG! For sure you hit the nail of the head. Dealing with Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde. They know how to play up to people.
The covert is the worst.. sneaky and mind games. Blessings sis🙏🏼❤️
I can so relate
yeh the public face of a narc vs the real behind closed doors face
I think an important point is also that when you meet that healthy and boring relationship, it is very important to remember that it is okay not to like something about that person and not to settle down. It might be hundreds of normal people that you meet before you will say: "Okay, I truly adore you, you are my person". Please don't give up on yourself. Trust yourself. There is nothing wrong with not liking a "normal" person. It will be the right person in a right time. Keep choosing your peace. ❤️❤️❤️
When I started an healthy relationship after 4 years in a toxic one, I was struck easy the relationship was and how happy and joyful I was. I was not used to it. I was poking myself and kept saying it was too good to be true. We could be happy and without a fight for THAT long. There must be something wrong! My non-toxic bf was making for of me for thinking that relationships are like the ones in soap operas.
But, for 4 years, my life was like a soap opera. Each week brought its lot of plot twists, fights and crisis. I was constantly on the edge. Each time I was feeling happy, I was telling myself that feeling won't last. Soon enough, something will came up to break the spirit.
Yes you always know the happy feeling won't last, so you even stop being happy. I'm always angry now. I have anxiety.
After 42 years with the narcissist and 4 months away from him, all of the discussions turn into arguments in an attempt on his part to convince me of all the things that are wrong with me, mainly that I’m crazy because I recognize his covert manipulation as abuse and refuse to entertain his idea of who I am. It is frustrating in the extreme because there was a time in our relationship when we could literally talk about anything and we always seemed to be on the same page. What has kept me fighting for the relationship was not self doubt, but the mistaken belief that I actually knew this person and that he would eventually show some understanding. It is quite wounding to find that I am truly invisible to him, and the only way is out.
It really is very disappointing and hurts when you realize that you loved a shell.
@@carolbell8008 Yes. To be honest, I’m still coming to grips with the reality. One day at a time.
This is fantastic! Wonderful comparison of the two types of relationships. I was married to a narcissist for 20 years, 25 together, it wasn't until the end of my relationship when I discovered narcissism and realized that that was was I had been dealing with my whole adult life from 20 to 45. Now I am in the healing process after a very difficult divorce and trying to understand the characteristics of a healthy relationship. It will take some time, I am very weary.
This is my story almost exactly. Thanks for sharing. I’m so so nervous to get into anything serious. I really had no idea it was actually my 13 year old daughter who pointed out that my ex - her dad is a narcissist and I have been learning and healing ever since.
Hang in there. You’ve done so well getting out. Take your time in recovering. 🧡
Keep healing 🌻
Even I didn't know for four years that I m living with a narcissist, separated after a ugly fight, now I know that she was a narcissist
Every time I watch one of your videos, I snap back to reality and feel better about myself 💛
One hundred million percent, this is SO accurate. This needs to be taught in schools to prevent unhealthy relationships!
I only realised my relationships were toxic after I left. They always started out like a dream but the degradation damaged me rather badly.
My current relationship is with a scapegoat who escaped his own family. It started out very rocky. I couldn't handle being treated well and being loved without intimidation or guilt. But a year later, we've become used to being loved consistently without toxic traits and we are both quite healthy and happy.
Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani. I needed to remember all of these "ordinary" wonderful qualities of healthy relationships. After experiencing a narcissist, it's vital to recall the "comfortable" qualities of peace, simple companionship, mutual activites and just working out minor differences with empathy. ❤
I can’t hold tears on my eyes today . I felt like you were actually speaking to me . I lived every thing you mentioned that you mentioned on a narcissistic relationship with a man that I loved and still deeply in love . I m glad I left and had the courage to stay no contact and never turn back .
I cannot thank you enough Dr Ramani. I remember when i was with my ex narc, early on i could see the red flags and I pulled him up on his behaviour. Somewhere over time, i learnt to ignore the bad behaviour and disrespect to avoid conflict. By the end of it, i was confused and I did not even know what a healthy relationship was. He justified how good he was to me by referring to the grandious things he used to do during a discussion which he would quickly turn into an argument.I remember sitting at fancy dinners he would take me to and seeing how quiet and absent he was emotionally and my gut said this doesn't feel right, he's here in body but not mind.
It's been 2 months since I walked out that door, and your video has made me relearn what is a healthy relationship, and that will be key to me moving on and hopefully avoiding ever evading up with a narcicist again.
In a country where it cost over $100 per session to see a psychologist (Most are uneducated about narcicism), you have been the biggest blessing to me, and i have found healing in you. Thank you.
Transitioning right now out of a narcissistic marriage and this coming at a perfect time. Through the divorce? My first ex was still kind, we talked, even took me to the doctor. The narc? Hahaha poor him, arguing, then kind when he needs something, fighting over stupid content, planning on having people disrespectfully over the house when I wasn’t there (until I flew home), changing the agreements, telling everyone it’s ending because he wants to focus on his Dad and kids, and that NOW he can focus on the things he loves! Hahaha this channel has empowered me to much to be 90% indifferent and just don’t give a f* - good luck all, you deserve far better. GO for it.
One of the things to watch for at the beginning of the relationship with a narcissist is his/her ways of make you mistrust your friends, your family members, people who are close to you; when he/she asks you to be suspecious about athers. Its a malicious way to control you by alienating you from the people who you trust, the narcissist will use triangulation method, lies and creat fights... to end your relationship with others just so they can be in full control.
this is sooooooooo true
Moving in together was the breaking point. I bought the house for us after learning he didn't have enough money up front. He moved in first and completely took over every room, every closet, the entire garage, basement, all of it. I couldn't believe it. Every time I walked in, I nearly broke down in tears. It was absolutely trashed and yet he refused to get rid of stuff. I've often wondered if he had a hoarding disorder too. It was extreme and he would look through the trash if I threw something away that he thought he needed like old cartons, shipping materials, expired food. I could write pages because this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm completely free of him now and will never let this happen again.
Definitely a hoarder!
Wow. I had to check to see if I wrote this and forgot about it lol. I own my house too and when he moved in he literally took over the majority or the house, the entire yard, and the garage. I can’t even have a chair on my own front porch because he needs a place for his plants! 🤦🏻♀️😢
Not gonna lie. After watching this video, your advice about a first date caught my ear. I had gone on a date with a young lady…and it was ordinary af. I wrote it off. After watching your video…I gave it a second shot. Had an amazing date the second time around. So yes, this lady knows her stuff!
'" Narcissists argue like lawyers " ........ My goodness, Dr Ramani!!!! You have hit the nail on the head!! Every argument felt like a trial for my life or death. By the time he had finished screaming in my face I couldn't even remember what my discussion with him was. He shattered me every time, into millions more than he had done before. I was rendered useless, like a broken mirror. Each fragment reflected a distorted image of me and my reality. At least now when I smile I feel I am me again. Even that wasn't good enough for him, but it is good enough for me and my family and friends who do love and value me.
It’s been 3 years since I ended the relationship with my narcissistic ex. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, but I’ve been hesitant to put myself out there again out of fear of meeting another narcissist. When you’ve never seen or experienced a healthy relationship, you have little to no skills in identifying what “normal” is. I’ve read tons about narcissistic behaviors in a relationships, but realize I don’t have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Giving examples of unhealthy vs healthy scenarios was sooo incredibly helpful. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
I am very concerned about the fact that I've been choosing narcissistic relationships since I started dating.. The four relationships I've had, have had a lot of red flags, but I was not able to see them until this time. If I have something to be thankful for with the lockdown, is having had the chance to think about my life and the things that I want to live and achieve, with a lot of love and peace. Thank you very much for your videos, they have helped me so much! Thank you for telling us things that could seem obvious, but are not that evident when someone hasn't been able to heal past wounds. God bless you!
I had probably a decade or more of narcissist after narcissist. In my first actual healthy relationship now. Realizing it is the first step! I was in that pattern and didn’t even realize til my current and healthy relationship. Keep on going ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Your sentence about " things that could seem obvious..." really struck a cord with me & put into words the thoughts I'd been having in the months I've been watching Dr Ramanis videos. I kept thinking, I could really have used this information 30 years ago, but would I have absorbed & understood it, as I do now? I really want my 2 kids to watch this video before they date. But will they listen? We'll see 🤔