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When people talk over me, i dont point it out. I just stop talking. If someone stops and notices i stopped, im always surprised. It's kinda rare. Anyone else?
They almost never notice. One repeatedly guilty friend is almost certainly a narcissist. Can’t be wrong. Tells everyone what they should do, think, buy. Not worth my time.
It is rare, but when it happens you just found a worthy person. People talk over me all the time to the point I cannot finish a simple sentence. They even tell things that look like questions, then when I start replying they completely change topic then tell me that I speak a lot. I think it comes from frustration, still it's annoying. Not all people are like that, so when I find someone different I tend to keep them, unless they make other kind of serious troubles.
Absolutely... In my family not agreeing with Catholicism was not allowed. Wanting to do activities that other children did were so often 'not for us'. Even girl guides wasn't allowed because meetings were held in a protestant hall! 😳
THIS! Forced to agree, or you are ARGUING, and *that* is the cardinal sin.When i gathered the confidence to finally object politely to a targeted slight, my parent would shut it all down and declare she is "not going there." She is dumbfounded about how our relationship changed. Wow. I have an opinion now. 😮
Yes! Every time I would try to talk about anything that bothered me, I was made to feel I was the problem. I was the nicest most thoughtful of my siblings, but was always treated the worst. They could say whatever they wanted, or act rude to me, and my parents always defended their behavior. If they said something rude, my mom would say they didn’t mean it the way I took it, when Yes, they did. We’re all adults now, and it’s still that way. I still love my parents and siblings, but, I just don’t understand their behavior.
@@noname-jh3bd Right. And that is exactly what my mother used as an excuse to get me to shut up. She'd say SHE would get hit if she "argued" w her dad. So.... that was my cue. I was not allowed an opinion.
This. My mom loves saying "the right thing" but she never EVER backed it up. My mom always wanted me to come to her "for anything" but what she really meant was "come to me with a pre-approved problem you are allowed to have, and then I'll care. By the way, that list is tiny, and I'll not give you any hints. Just shame you when you are wrong."
@@RemnantTheWolf Hah, same. Literally the same. My parents pretended it was an open loving household, but when I had almost any problem at all(minus stuff related to electronics, like phones/wifi/computers/consoles) I was met with silence or derision. I couldn't even get injured because my parents would shame me for having an injury. I remember having serious diarrhea and almost passed out and all my parents did was joke about it. I had state subsidized childhood health insurance that was free for my parents.
Well said! I used to abandon myself right after leaving a shitty relationship. It's like I was saying to the world: Don't worry, now that I'm away from my nasty sister, I will self- criticize to make sure EVERYONE knows I'm not good enough to FEEL WORTHY! I will punish myself! I exaggerated that to illustrate how the mind-fuck wants to get going even unprovoked! Self talk is very important!
I was raised to be seen and not heard. All I ever heard was “No”. I was told “No don’t say that” or “No don’t do that.” And my favorite… “No, you don’t want that.” Everybody was impressed because my parents raised such a good child, but they didn’t raise a good adult. Still figuring things out on my own now.
Wow! j.r. , I sure can relate to your comment! I was never heard as a child either! For that matter, I was barely even seen, having been raised by narcississtic parents! I've been listening to these helpful videos by Anna Runkle and hope that you will be just as inspired by them as I have!! Pls know that you are not alone. Doing positive affirmations and creating a more positive mindset has helped me find some self-esteem and self-confidence. Know that you are a valuable and unique person in this world and that you have every right to be HEARD: Your opinions and feelings matter. I wish you, j.r., all the best in your spiritual journey. ♥ 🙂
Raised to be a good child, not a good adult is like 75% of humanity. Wait, that doesn't add up because at least 25% aren't even raised to be good children. So idk numbers but I do know there are and have always been A LOT of us. Just wanted to say I hear you fam... And I bet you're a waaay better adult than you think. 🌱 Just keep growing.
I felt invisible as a child. I realized pretty early that most people are just waiting for their turn to talk, some will just talk over you like you don't exist, a rare few actually listen and hear.
I still get talked over by certain family members and in professional situations. Nothing infuriates me more and it makes me see the people who do it as vacuous, immature attention seekers
As a child, part of growing up, is learning how to navigate all that, in amongst other people, WITH YOUR OWN AGENCY, AT ANY AGE. You always had it. Just perform well. Corollary: Be the change you want to see, every minute of your life. Once people quietly admire you for your achievements, comments like "Be quiet..." do fall away. PSSST: This is how everybody else does it!
Totally. I get triggered by my husband because he has no interest in anything I have to say. He’s just impatiently waiting for his turn. And when I pause to let him start talking what he says is not related to what I was saying at all. Sometimes he says I talk too much. Sometimes he asks “Are you done yet?” Or is it my turn yet?” I tend to talk fast because I know he’s not interested or that he’s going to walk away while I’m in mid-sentence. I over explain when I get no feed back or acknowledgement when speaking. I don’t know how to change. Growing up my feelings weren’t important to anyone.
@@barbaradurel9846 - I had a husband (almost) like that. He's somebody else's problem now 😁. 2 things. 1, Learn not to overexplain, just drop the conclusion on him and walk away. He'll have to ask you qns. 2, Go away for weeks to look after a sick relative or friend. After 1week he'll be calling you home coz he won't find anything in the house to keep the family going. Do this as often as you need to get away from him. 🍀🍀🍀😇
@@nannyoverzet1954 ya metieron a "Christ" en el asunto🙄 y encima, queriendo invalidar el sentimiento, como si fuera el resultado de una falta en aquel que lo siente, como si no se sintiera bien porque aún no ha "learnt how to forgive" 🙄oh, c'mon.
That is a tipical from a person who want to be acknowledged as good decent Christian. The trouble is the subject passed by them as their object is themselves and not the plea for help
My ex husband always did that to me. Or I would say something smart or clever and he would say ‘where did you hear that?’ He never gave me credit for an original idea
Kids pick up that their parents are already burdened, and they don't want to add to their burdens, so they get used to pretending that everything is fine. And even come to believe that being unhappy is just their 'nature.'
I never knew why, but my dad occasionally threatened to put my sister and I into foster care if we “became too much trouble.” I grew up terrified to do anything that upset him…and wondered before he died if he ever said something that made me not want to spend time with him.
YES. yes, exactly. Sometimes I even get mad... Like I get agitated when people genuinely want to know how I feel. It throws me for a loop, and does surprise me. And in that moment of being surprised, my "feeling of undeserving" agitates me. And then I put up another wall.
I get weird anxiety when someone is actually listening to me and making eye contact with me. The eye contact makes me overthink what they might be thinking or observing about me, my face, what I'm saying etc.
I do too! And I also find myself talking quickly because surely they don't really want to be listening to me (so I have to cram it all in), and then afterward, I worry about what I said and berate myself for talking at all.
Sometimes I wish I have a way of speaking slowly and hesitatingly… And I think I wonder if people think that I’m somehow mentally defective when I’m speaking. Like they’re trying really hard to expand their normal Fremin mode of giving attention because I know I’m somehow like a special needs adult.
I really don’t like eye contact. I’m so aware I’m not looking a person in the eye when I’m talking. I try feel uncomfortable, forget what I was trying to say, and that makes me feel stupid. I’m almost 70 and have been teaching groups of kids and adults my whole life. I can look animals, kids, and injured or sick/dying people in the eye. Just not normal adults.
@@zuzuspetals9281 it’s taking me years of practice… But I can do it. But that’s on doing many years of looking away and looking away. That one thing that’s made a difference for me is that I’ve given up, trying to present myself in any sort of way. I just empty myself and try to be present with the other person actually give them my attention, And then see what arises in the moment. I don’t know if that helps, or might help… To actually not worry about what you’re going to say, and be happy if you don’t have to say very much at all let the other person talk. People are very happy to talk. And actually respond to what the other person says… And let them take the spotlight. It’s kind of fun.
Yeah, I get that too. In group conversations there rarely seems like there is any “space” to participate. Because you feel like you’re on the outside watching everyone else talk. And they don’t bother to ask you any questions or try to include you.
I was an intelligent child, but constantly ignored, and being the youngest had no social interaction from the other members of the family , and now I keep people at arms length
Being the youngest, the perception my siblings had was that I was the baby and got all of the attention. Yeah, when I was a baby. And for some reason, seeing me being cared for as a baby, they believed I was always being cared for by my parents as a kid and teen, even though they saw I wasn't. They tried saying I was spoiled when I was given hand-me-downs my entire life, never had any privacy, and I wasn't allowed to go to my friends house (but they could come over) or have any freedom in general.
Speaking as the scapegoated black sheep who's constantly ignored, mocked, bellitled and treated worse like a trash/subhuman... I learned the hard way to keep people at arms lenght including my own family (which destroyed me and me life).
My narcissistic mother ignored me. I realized my mother treated me differently when I went to my friends homes when I was younger. Their mother would hug and kiss them goodnight. They actually had conversations with them. I remember feeling jealous. One of my friends mothers would kiss me goodnight on the head when I stayed the night. I wanted to stay over there every weekend. When I had my own children I showed them a lot of affection and talked to them often. I never want them to feel like I did.
II am 70, and I was in my 60s before I got my trauma really mostly behind me, so it can happen. The thing that helped me the most with the anxiety was EFT (tapping). I hope you find what works for you!
Sandra, your life is not over, and discovering creativity later in life, after 'No', is a beautiful adventure & extremely therapeutic. Confronting but so exhilarating!
Misdiagnosed as only depression when anxiety was the trigger. Shy child. 56 and I’ve gone no contact with 2 sisters and asked for low contact with my adult children until we can get professional help with our communication. I only recently understood this videos topic was the main issue in my life.
Do not give that one more minute of your life. Nobody taught them how to parent. That has helped me so much. My parents were horrible listeners…my dad ignored and interrupted constantly to change the topic if it was hard or uncomfortable for him. My mom might have heard but then either did not validate it, ridiculed me instead, or slapped me.
So that's why I get intense when I speak. This really resonated with me. And yeah, lots of anger buried underneath, and an ocean's worth of sorrow, too.
I personally appreciate intense people :) Sometimes I really wonder if I’ll ever heal the grief I feel. I’ve been such a people pleaser, and it attracted the most narcissistic people I could’ve ever imagined knowing. People have really caused me to lose all the faith I once had. I hope so so much that I’ve figured out how to break the spell.
I'm the youngest of three girls. Now almost 70 years old. My mother was emotionally distant, for her own reasons, and my father, although more involved in our lives, never spoke of feelings. My sisters in their different ways keep me at arm's length. When I was between 11 -16 years old I went to a small riding camp. When it was time to go home, I always cried. I didn't know why then but now I know it was because the woman who headed up the camp listened to me. When my mother died a few years ago, I didn't feel any sadness or loss even though I had been seeing her on a weekly basis for years. She wasn't rude or unkind - just didn't want to hear who I was. I tried to hear my 4 children - I hope I did enough.
Your mother is exactly how my father was for me. He died when I was 17 but he was emotioally distant but never unkind. All these years later it still bothers me that he didn't really want to get to know me.
@@KiaraLemmonecould it be that he didn’t want to get to know you or that he didn’t know how? My father has been emotionally distant my whole life, on top of addiction… but his father, my late grandfather, was a very quiet reserved & distant man.
@@shanley_rn7276 its possible he didn't know how, but he did connect with my sister and he was always very close with his nephews. I can remember when he used to pick me up after a music lesson, it would be dead silence all the way home. I would try to conversate (as well as a 10 or 11 year old can) but it never really was more than one word answers. He was a good man but it always felt like he had no interest in me. His father passed away before I was born, so I really can't say how his own father was with him. His mom passed away when I was 2 so really don't remember her either.
Yea, I had to pause at that point and let it sink in. Its crazy. And he we are years and years later in our supposedly adult-brains trying to figure out and listening to others.
Spot on 💯%. Nobody listens to me as an adult either. I believe I have a lot to say that is valuable, but people are so caught up in themselvss and their pride. I'm so over just about everyone at this point. Feels like Im talking to a brick wall all the time. Or CONSTANTLY interrupted. People's listening skills are garbage.
@@kattilathehunfreedomfighter - 100% agree!! It's rare to find a good listener. I'm sick of the interruptors, the people who hear but don't listen and those who try to talk over me. Also, tired of those folks who talk all about themselves and never ask how I'm doing. Recently I went out with three people for drinks and all they did was talk about themselves. I purposely stayed quiet to see if anybody would ask me anything about me. Nobody did and it left me with an empty feeling. I decided I need to be hanging out with other people who are more respectful and interested in other people's lives, in addition to their own. Hang in there! 💐♥️
@@karenbrill321 I feel exactly the same way. And I also do that all the time - ask all about others and then wait for them to ask about me. They never do. It's astounding how self-absorbed society has become..you hang in there as well! 🤗❤️
There’s a solution that really works for people talking over you. Just say to them, “were there people in your childhood who never let you talk? Is that why you talk over me?” It stops them in their tracks and makes them realize what they’re doing.
I hear you. My experiences are the other person speaks and speaks--gets all their stuff out, I listen. Then, I think, maybe it is my turn to speak but no, they are done and they get off the phone or walk away. it never seems to be my turn.
I often think about how differently my life would have turned out if my parents or teachers would have just listened to me and told me that I was capable and smart and could achieve great things. Being ignored makes you think you and your ideas do not matter. Having no confidence can literally stunt every aspect of your life and make you settle for things that you think you deserve, because you don't deserve much.
I used to feel a need to fill the silences but when I was a hospice nurse I became ok with silences and listening. Silences are powerful. Some people need someone to listen before they die. I found I could do that for people.
I was always alone in my room. My parents never really talk or ask me if I was ok. There were never conversations of anything. They never even know or cared that I was being bullied at school. Even as an adult I cant talk to them about anything because they never listen.
@angeluss28 Yep, that's the society we need as Crappy Childhood Fairy replied. We (are) here for you and our peers of society, we need to get the word out so it can be actioned where and as requested. Bullying at school has become a big topic of mainstream media and school boards in the last few years, yet it still happens daily with some cases becoming exposed - but sometimes after a worse tragedy.
@@svr5423 to your question of why you would want to talk to them, it's a real dilemma, I found. There are relatives and family friends in the mix. I had to dump all, just like the individual friends who turn out bad, but with family a whole lot of good and bad in one dumping. I asked myself this question before my final and all-member ending to it. There's probably less mess if it's all removed because there's the gossip and such reinvigorated when dealing with the others of family, and you know, you phone or visit that grandma and she's been told what a shlop you are, she says something or you suspect she's heard something but is quiet on it or unable to defend about it. I think the better way is, families are genuinely helped at early stages to correct bad parenting behaviours and get along, or child(s) is taken to a better part of the family who'll receive and bring up the child(s) better - with the understanding the parents can still be a parents or remain a relational part of the family but are kept at a distance and agreements are made, so as the parents have the freedoms to get along with the corrective measures or without the worries of bringing up the child(s). That way everyone can get along better with the resulting changes or distancing. (You have a great and valid question, I'm tempted to ask that same of someone telling of struggles in childhood and beyond.) But having offloaded family relations, I can predict the answers. I say I have no biological and married-into family, I think called extended family. And so there's no visits, no receiving or offering a hand up in family, no holiday and birthday cards, and deaths go unnoticed. My families are friends and in some cases that includes one or a few of their relatives, but they aren't all that close to me as they are in their real family links. And it can hurt when they talk of their activities, celebrations and such. Some people can't go the distance I have, they hope to find some kind of closure to abuses and mend things with possibly few of them getting there for re-broken trust through further abuses and denials with the many more who try. Sadly, many people who profess to help are no better, tend to gaslight the victims or try to convince people to mend thing without proper closures and even create more harms where there are none. These conversations in community are possibly the best thing to happen, that's why there are growing numbers of thumbs ups, many of them mine, you just got one from me to your question, here's another: 👍🏻
I was really good at keeping myself occupied and entertained as a child. I was happy by myself. I still have nightmares about being berated, criticized, and humiliated.
I was ignored, told I was stupid and hit when I did try to get attention. My grandfather never spoke to me ever! I was adopted into this family. I was constantly told how I didn’t belong to them, I was somebody else’s “cast off”. I’m 62 now and I have a wonderful family. I swore I’d never treat my children like that. My father never talks to his grandchildren, I think they are very lucky that he doesn’t. My boys are in their 30’s now and have their own children who are all amazing. I still have a lot of trouble talking to my own children, but thankfully they have no trouble talking to me. I’m very lucky to have them. Thank you for your videos they do help me. ❤.
I'd never treat my children like that. That's a promise to myself when I was a teenager. Thanks for sharing, you did so well to break the cycle. Be proud of such an important achievement. Look at all the people you made and the good lives they're living. Bravo 👏
@@just_a_soul242 How awful you went through that. But you nailed the explanation. It turns out my appearance and proclivities come from people in my family far generations back. A boyfriend's grandmother taught me to do genealogy and I learned where the differences came from. But it didn;t help the day to day I don't fit.
I was the family scapegoat of a large family. At 10, I was sexually assaulted by my sister’s fiancee. I told my mom about it and she sent me to my room as if I did something wrong. This continued for several months. My mom always sent me to my room. This ended when my sister got married. This event has changed the trajectory of my life in many ways. When I was a teenager I often had challenges holding in my sadness as I wasn’t treated well. My mom would laugh at me in disgust. I always felt like a burden. It’s a long road having to face all of that alone. I finally got myself professional help when I was in my 20s. I’m human and I still have scars. I will never understand why my mother didn’t protect me and why she allowed it to continue. I was never heard as a child and never seen or valued. One day at a time! None of this was my fault. I know my self worth and I understand why I have done a lot of things the way that I did. Please know that each and every one of you are here for a reason!
I’m sorry this happened to you. There are people out there that are absolute trash. And yet, there are those among us that walk where angels have stayed. People that are good and genuine do exist. You will find them more in your life as you begin to heal. Animals are this way too. You are worthy of love, don’t waste your time with those that have shown they don’t care about you. Move on, toward those who were intended for you.
Your mother is really unwell. Narcissists should never have children. I was also the scape goat and have cut ties with my NPD mother. With a lot of healing work, I am proud and thankful for not turning out like her. I hope you feel the same in that you didn’t become the monster your mother is. Because how could any decent person turn a blind eye to a child getting harmed?
Thank you for sharing. Your story hits home for me as I had a similar upbringing. Finding a good therapist and doing the work on yourself is key. One piece of advice I want to share, which is a lesson I learned recently and you may have already learned is: watch out for narcissists. Learn the red flags (I didn’t) and walk away at the first sign (I didn’t). I’m learning all of this in hindsight. Please take care of yourself and know that there are many others like you out here.
my mom still to this day shuts down and changes the subject if any of her children tries to speak up about how they feel. she carries a lot of traumatic upbringing from an alcoholic mother who also shut down. so much generational trauma down the line, i'm now certain of it. "it's just how it was done," "we all have to suffer and suck it up," all these ideas that get handed down. i'm very proud to say i've decided that the cycle ends with me, and i am every bit there for and listen to my own child.
Come to think of it, I was asked if I was okay if I got hurt BADLY enough that it might require medical attention at an ER, but no one ever asked if I was okay at any other time or for any other reason.
It's like feeling physically and emotionally invisible. It's confusing. On the one hand your thoughts are legitimate while on the other, there's doubt. It can cause a person to question their thoughts, even one's body and senses. You know it to be real but that others that should take an interest don't care, aren't interested in understanding...
it just feels like whenever i talk to my family about my struggles they always tell me to reach out if I ever need anything but as soon as I do, it's an inconvenience and 'why cant you handle this on your own? you're grown!'. the bait and switch is crazy 😭
Same. For me, its been "I'll help you out, don't worry!" Until they get sick of it. Once, i argued with my sister, I'm the youngest and I straight out told her I wanted emotional support from her and my family about my struggles, She told me that she doesn't do that. She wasn't going to hold my hand as I cry and coddle me. That if I have a problem "go f**king fix it yourself." That’s when I realized to keep things to myself and not say anything. Mind you I was already in my 20s when this happened.
"Change the subject..." my mother will say, cutting me off in mid-sentence. She then talks about something else she wants to talk abt. And people wonder why I am quiet or sometimes talk in incomplete sentences.
I got the same thing except it came from my father. I eventually figured out he was a Class A narcissist. Every conversation had to be centered around him or something he was interested in.
I noticed awhile ago I talk in incomplete sentences. I try to communicate quickly before people walk away. When a brother visited I noticed he also talked in incomplete sentences. My Mom came from poverty and an abused childhood. She ignored us almost completely . I always felt sad when I was very young and I would cry myself to sleep (quietly) at night fearful about what would happen if my beloved Dad would die or leave. All of us kids wouldn’t talk about the way we were treated - how does a small child have vocabulary for abuse. I also get ignored when I talk at work. It used to make me furious- Now I get small dolls and put pins in them. Haha - just kidding 😂
Another possible layer of that kind of neglect is the rare times you were listened to, it would be used against you later one way or another. Took me years to ask anything to anyone (I struggle still) because 1. I was convinced no one listened/cared and 2. Whatever it was that I said or asked for it will be used to bring me down or guilt trip me.
Sometimes *decades* later. I was in my late forties, talking with my mom once and she brought up something I said that she was still salty about. I was like, "mom I was fourteen, everyone's a jerk at that age."
Yup. My parents are very smart people. Highly educated with intellectually intense jobs. And they decided to use that intelligence to repeatedly dunk on their children instead of trying to understand us. They should've gotten a tank of geckos instead.
1. You may get anxious or angry putting emotions into words 2. You might lapse into fawning or people pleasing 3. Group dynamics are overwhelming (you feel like you get overlooked or don’t get your turn) 4. You only express yourself while crying or so angry you can’t take anymore or get frozen in silence and shut everyone out. 5. Long silences make you uncomfortable. 6. Talk fast as to not take up people’s time. 7. Get overly intense when talking about your feelings or if you need help/get sick so that you are “believed” or “taken care of” 8. Exaggeration and/or bragging 9. Anger and anxiety or fear and resentment … so you repeat yourself or talk louder or interrupt, get upset if someone asks you any question/ challenges you 10. Over self disclosure… tell people too much too soon… 11. …
@@louisesultana2431 Sorry for your circumstances, but your case does not obliterate all others, everybody's different ! Maybe YOU trusted others but don't come tell people they're wrong because you're different ! I nuanced my claim when I said 'most people', and you just say "NO" ???
100%. My people pleasing tendencies attracted the most narcissistic, manipulative advantage taking people I ever could’ve imagined knowing. They really brought me to a brink of despair that nearly cost me my life. The hardest part is forgiving myself for allowing it. It took me 37 years to understand how and why I kept finding these types. Honestly, even after I saw them for who they were, I couldn’t stop wanting to believe they could change. I think I’ve managed to break the spell I’ve been under. The last 20 years have been exhausting.
Yeah that’s how I ended up with my ex of four years. He is a waste to humanity and actually got away with rape, slander, stalking and grand theft. The police did nothing, detectives did nothing but accept being lied to. Oh so a free felony as well 🎉
Most of my life taught me that asking for help was wrong, in fact, asking for anything was wrong. In college one time. we were given a video camera, & left to play around with it. Afterwards, the teacher asked if everybody had had a go & I said I hadn't because I wasn't allowed to. The other students got upset that I hadn't asked for a turn, not knowing I didn't feel it was polite to ask. Even now it's hard for me to ask for anything, in case I burden somebody, but I win small victories now & then. Like a recent coffee morning in another village, saying to a pal: "I'd love to go, but I don't have a car of course." Pal goes: "oh, we're going & we can take you in my car!" And then my over-gratitude comes in, like I still feel like I don't deserve others doing things for me. By the way, I had a great time with my pal at the coffee morning!!!
I try not to resent my family. Nobody ever cared for me. They didn’t teach me how to be a person. I had only one good friend. I didn’t know how. I wasn’t told I was good or smart. I look back and think of how my life could have been better if anyone had encouraged my many talents. I know I had them, but I let them go. I can write and run and swim. I could have excelled, but I never tried because they didn’t care.
Ditto. And narcissistic 'mom' would actually tell me I would not succeed, but if I did, she would undermine it in myriad ways. Like you, I was blessed with many talents, and have often wondered whom I "could have been". I do believe in a life after this one. My hope and prayer is that our gifts are merely being preserved, until the time when we are ordained to share them with whatever comes next! Blessings, healing, and peace to you, my Dear. 🕊️❤️🩹✌️
@@gottabmeCould‘ve excelled? Why not try now? To excel doesn’t mean anything concrete so one can always feel dissatisfaction about their position in life.
@@noahraab2429 I didn't use those words. Also, I am now 67 y.o. in a wheelchair with MS, so...yeah, I can't do what I used to do. I did 'excel' at several things when I got older and left home, so there's that.
I was always taught that it’s rude to interrupt and talk over people, but when I asked why everyone talked over me then, I was told because I was a child and what I was saying wasn’t important. Those exact words…
My father (born 1910) believed that "children should be seen and not heard" as well as "speak only when spoken to". I was always ignored and yes, I've still got issues at the age of 64.
My dad said that too but he laughed because he couldn't pull it off. He was trying to imitate his mother's father who would've been born around 1910 also. His grandfather would come into the room and shake his newspaper which was a single to everyone to be silent!
My father never said it but anything said when he was pre volitile outburst or during one or even just a look, shut me down. He is still the damn same now at 80. I'm sick of him. He has always acted like an oppositional teenager. Now he is forgetful but won't accept it, he pretends he doesn't hear stuff or that he has changed his mind. If he accepted he was forgetful and went to the doctors then I could be more understanding and we could all work with it. When an 80 year old is stood in front of you acting like a teenager and making stupid jokes, it's irritating. I'm very sick and not once has he shown me any empathy or asked me how im feeling. He said he would change a light fitting for me, then turns up at my house with no tools laughing and joking making me go over it all again and denying the way we had agreed he would do the job. Then he told me im not really ill, he is ill and im antisocial! Wtf! He has always been this way, just a nasty bully. When I was a younger fit healthy person I thought I could never put my parents in an oap home, when they get dementia, now not so much.
My father was born in 1930 but still had the same view. Good forbid you spoke up for yourself, you’d get a clip round the ear. So we never spoke as Dad was always right, there was no discussion about anything. I have suffered all my life from not standing up for myself and now at 69, I’m so angry with myself.
@@sharoncross5371 you were programmed a) not to stand up for yourself and b) to take responsibility for things that weren't your fault. Find that neglected little girl within yourself and going forward, focus on loving and protecting her. She's had enough anger thrown at her for one lifetime ❤
Realizing all of this now at 46 seems like I’ve wasted my whole life living with these “symptoms”. I go “oh, is that why I couldn’t find anybody to love me”. It hurts.
I was invalidated so much that I completely invalidated myself. I lost myself, treated myself like shit. It hurts and it hurts even more waking up to that truth but you have to to get better.
Growing up, whenever I tried to talk about how I felt or something that was interesting to me, my father would shut me down with some form of, "No, you're wrong." By the time I started school, I was the quiet kid who didn't speak up for herself and just went along with whatever. I would tag along with whoever would tolerate my presence because it was better than being alone. I still do these things at nearly 50. Thank you for showing me that it's not just me.
I was a shy kid and was picked on often at school. Also I was a little slow in responding verbally when asked a question. One knickname I had was "Dumbshit." Even at 70 years old when I forget something or if I do something wrong I hear that in my head...."Dumbshit." I thought I was ugly because of things my 3rd grade teacher told me about my ears. I think the fact my father beat me with ropes or extension cords or his coils of garden hose a number of times handicapped me too. My parents would compare me with my older sister who finished first in her class at two colleges. Damn it was hard growing up. There was a lot of shit going on. I thank the Good Lord that my last 15 years have been great. I married a wonderful woman when I was 56. Her and her family have been the family I always wanted, but never had.
@@nannyoverzet1954 I would not have made it this far without the Lord. But it is also helpful to understand that abuse as a young child affects how you are as an adult. The damage is real. Believing facts like that is not inconsistent with having Christian faith.
@@nannyoverzet1954That is one of lousiest and meanest things, anyone could say to someone, who 6:43 has been ignored/not heard/put down and demeaned all their childhood, by over demanding parents or parent! It is an absolute load of crap. Go and preach in your chosen place of religion, not on this channel! This is neither the place, nor the time!
One problem with using silence instead of filler words in conversation (rather than on a one-way medium) is that some people will take the gaps as an opportunity to start speaking, and then speak over you.
@@themaggattack My mother rarely listens or lets me get a word in at all. She'll even ask me a question then immediately start talking over me the second I utter a word in reply. Calling it demoralising and frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it. The icing on the cake is when she'll ask "why didn't you tell me?" further down the line... I tried, oh how I tried.
Since my iPhone Times my phone calls, I’ve noticed I have many people on my life who talk 45, 55 or 90 minutes straight without ever asking me how I am or what’s up with me. One ‘friend’ said recently (after an hour long monologue) “next time I’ll let you talk.” At least I’m starting to notice and break in sometimes and say, “it’s great to catch up but I have to get going.”
Look for reciprocity in relationships. It’s what a relationship should be. Expect to have conversations, not to be a listening post for the loquacious. Be patient, but do expect better treatment.
@karenfisher4170 I fell into this pattern with all of my friends. I was the unpaid therapist, the ever-sympathetic listener. But as I got older, I realized that a) I was using it to feel superior, which was more than a little arrogant; and b) I really wanted to have the floor for at least a little bit to talk about MY stuff. However, when I tried to break the pattern, my friends resisted tooth and nail, to the point where I felt I had no choice but to walk away. In retrospect, I didn't do a very good job of communicating my needs. I'm much more articulate now. But I'm still pretty much friendless. I was really hobbled as I came into adulthood; healthy behaviors and communication that others grew up with as a given I've had to figure out on my own. It's set me back years in my personal and professional development. May we all heal and grow together. ❤
Wow! I have experienced many of these. It was a trigger just hearing this. Ugh! Thanks for saying this in a light-hearted way, because it was so heavy!
No, I was taught that I was supposed to let people treat me like crap. That I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself and needing anything was selfish. If I was hurt, I was being silly or stupid or overreacting.
If I ever cried when I got hurt when I was little, my mother would snap at me and say, "If you don't shut that up right now, then I will give you something to cry about!" I found out early on that she meant business, and I learned to cry alone. But, we had a dog who had sad brown eyes, and he listened to my troubles. God bless him, I don't think I would have made it without him.
I am in tears. Every word you spoke is how I live my life from day to day. As a kid I was told my opinion didn't matter. I was taught to not speak unless spoken to, and that if I disagree with an adult, I am wrong. I have begged people to "see" me, but I end up pushing them away.
After people pleasing didn't work, I started yelling and screaming, throwing things. A client I was talking to about my home life told me it was because no one was listening to me. And I felt dismissed. Because I was.
My spouse and I are both the youngest siblings in our families. After a decade of miscommunications and misperceptions that sparked arguments, we had an epiphany through a random conversation about childhood memories of being teased and shut down by our siblings or cousins, and just ignored by the adults, during family meals and gatherings. We realized that we were both desperately trying to assert our opinions early in our marriage, talking over one another and, well, just not having fruitful communication. That was a good first step in helping us heal and learn to give one another the reassurance we both needed.
I have been having this exact issue with my boyfriend for five years and I have been thinking of breaking up with him. this comment just filled me with a tiny glimmer of hope.😢
you got me completely HOOKED from start to finish.. and even put me at ease without even realizing I was in a weird state of mind........ thank you so much!
@@MichaelSmith-uy4ui yes, once a week if we were bad or not, messed up. I never hit my children. But ran interference there father was a tyrant at times. I took it. To save them. Karma
Very succinct phrase that sums up my childhood , as well. My father was a Preacher who LOVED spanking. I never talked back, after I realized it only got me pain!! This conditioning was powerful.
Huh, I thought I was the only one. My dad was a great guy, my mom…. She’s the conductor on the disfunction junction train. She’s 84 years old now but in the earlier years she was the corporal in corporal punishment. I was the whipping boy and the rest could do no wrong. I’m kinda wondering if I really belong to my dad or not. I look nothing like my siblings, nor do I act like them or am I treated like them. Is it my imagination???
By: Leo Buscaglia When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, You have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Don’t talk or do - just hear me… And I can do for myself; I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and Inadequacy. But when you accept as a simple fact That I feel what I feel, No matter how irrational, Then I can stop trying to convince You and get about this business Of understanding what’s behind This irrational feeling. And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them. So please listen, and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn- and I will listen to you.
I always enjoyed Leo’s lectures on PBS. I especially liked his story about when he went to Paris to commiserate with the Existentialists, ran out of money, and sent a one word telegram to Mama to ask for money. 😂😂😂😂 If you remember his lectures like I do, you know the punchline.
I “learned” very early on that it’s not okay for me to need or want things and I should stop asking. It has affected me my entire life. I am 29 now and still learning how to properly communicate needs and feelings.
I used to get wildly inappropriate gifts as a boy. My parents did had no idea what I actually liked and never gave any indication that they cared. The gifts were purely an expression of a joyless obligation.
I think they didn't care what you liked. They were probably building a narrative to show off to people that they were generous parents. You were just a mode to their means.❤
Have you read ( or listened to) People of the Lie by Dr Peck? Read about BOBBY'S PARENTS. They are Emotionally Lazy to the point where it is pure evil.. Those 20 pages or so, are what finally convinced me to approach my parents as the ones who have the problem ....
When I was 9 my brother’s and mom and I had to move in with my grandparents after my dad was put in prison. For Christmas My grandmother bought my uncle a mini bike, a piano and several boxes of cool toys, she gave my brother’s and I a card with a $5 bill and kept asking us how much we liked my uncle’s gifts as she smiled. That smile sticks with me at 60.. Narcissism is generational..
So much of this. I think it was peer rejection more than my parents, but not being listened to is one of the most frustrating things, and it feels like that's the case for a lot of things in my life. Ultimately, not being listened to as a child has led me not to communicate my needs as an adult. I often feel like nobody cares.
Because sometimes the only people we have actually don't care about you. Its hard to accept and show consequences. I can't. Bc then I would be absolutely alone with 2 kids. I can't
Very much so for me, too, and there was an authority figure who verbally bullied me regularly in front of my parents, who would only step in on more egregious cases. So I ended up not trusting my parents, basically, and wouldn't go to them for help.
I am the eldest of four I am 58 years old, my mom sent us out after breakfast and we got home before supper, she was always busy in her sewing room and we were to leave her alone. I never recall her ever hugging me, or playing with us she ignored us like crazy. I think I was more of a mom to my younger siblings than my mom ever was.
This is so enlightening. I grew up with 4 loud and belittling brothers. They laughed at anything I tried to say. Our mom was working all the time as a single mom. As an adult now in groups even family it takes a while to get the attention to say something I want to say.. then when all eyes are on me I blank out and forget what I’d wanted to say. 😂 I feel angry at how loud they all are and have just stopped trying at all…but I judge them! I avoid people now and am pretty much alone with my cats and raccoons 😂. They are respectful. I like animals better than people!
I grew up with 4 older brothers and have a lot of trauma connected to that. They were often put in charge of me and that was not a good thing. Very belittling. :/ As an adult I can relate to a lot of what the crappy fairy discusses.
I'd really appreciate some input as to how I can respond to being so blatantly unheard, ignored...itmdoesnt happen all the time, but often enough that it's starting to upset me..thank you..
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Can this trauma occur from being ignored by classmates all through school? I had nothing in common with them and we just ignored each other (I wasn't bullied). I was with my 1 or 2 friends, and if they weren't at school one day I'd go all day without speaking or being spoken to by my class mates. This went on from... age 10 to 15 maybe? Then I got severe anorexia and my bipolar disorder started acting up. My mom was warm and kind and I knew she loved me. Dad I saw maximum 1 hour per day, he worked far away, and we hardly have contact today. But is neglect from 8 hours of school everyday for 5-6 years enough to count as neglected trauma? I struggle IMMENSELY as an adult talking to doctors, getting help from them, getting taken seriously, getting heard and helped. I seek care as seldom as I can, I have trauma from the psychiatric care I had as a teen. I even went 1,5 week with an actual blood clot because I was sure the doctors would just brush me off and say everything was normal. I could've died. I HATE seeking any kind of care, but as disabled I often need it, and I never get what I need from doctors. I'm struggling every second of every day and has been the latest 20 years. I'm 36 today.
As a child, I was unable to do a particular important/basic task. When adults asked me why I "refused" to do it, I told them that I wanted to but couldn't. Everyone assumed I was lying. Through the sheer luck of my mom being a bit of a hypochondriac and taking me to lots of specialists (including many quacks), one doctor realized I had a piched nerve. (It was more complicated than that, but close enough.) After surgery, I was able to do the task just fine. I never got an apology from any adults. I even asked for one as an adult, but got a shitty "We did the best we could.".
@JoeJoeTater This is often an atrocity played out by people who profess to help, no one checks why someone can't do something, someone hurts or someone stumbles and it goes unchecked, often times becoming permanent, worse or lethal. The tic bite caused Lyme disease and the stripped muscle are still common challenges unmet by several medical "professionals" and quacks who are supposed to listen and go forth with what is known to have occured and work at it until something is found. Patient was camping, and feels lousy - check right away if Lyme disease or something else from travels may be the cause and is something to be treated. Patient works in an engine shop and hurts when a body area is stretched - go forth with testing and if that's it tell the patient to avoid stretches there, avoid lifting to let it mend, that sort of things. Some of it is so ubiquitous therefore simple or at least can be found sooner than later with some actual skilled work. But it's easier and sometimes financially beneficial to gaslight the patient and quickly move on to the next patient to gaslight or to actually work with. All these people have to do better than the one professional who finally catches on, better than untrained people who learn from experiences of themselves or others but can't treat patients and better the Internet which can sell scams. Listening is a huge part of the medical practice, both vocal and with the stethoscope. Well, mechanics tend to listen, to people who operate things because they know what's happening and some of that listening is hearing and understanding what is happening while something such as an engine is running. There can be something in an operator's story or a pattern or tone in an engine. These acts of listening can give a hint what may be causing something. And yep, sometimes it's just a noise which is really nothing more than a loose part which secured better will become quiet and stay on longer to continue doing its thing.
I'll say it for them: Oh my, we didn’t know there was a medical reason stopping you. It must have been distressing for you. I'm sorry we didn’t know and acted like you didn’t do the thing due to laziness or willfulness. That doesn’t sound like it would feel fair because you literally could not do the thing. We were wrong and I'm sorry we treated you unfairly because of it.
@@jewelweed6880 Good going, scripting other people's apologies for JoeJoeTater. Let's hope if they'll ever be said by these and or other unprofessional and medical malpractice offenders and other people involved in such cases, they'll be said in the courts of law where appropriate punishments can be dealt out. There are various kinds of physical tests and physiotherapies to help find causes and work these out if that can be done and there can be other treatments or even surgical operations meant to help where such problems exist, there's no need to gaslight people, do harm or otherwise leave these matters go not found or untreated.
@@jewelweed6880An earlier reply to you seems to have gone missing, here it is from memory: Good going, scripting other people's apologies for JoeJoeTater. If they'll be said for this person and other victims by the unprofessional and malpracticing medical people and other people involved, I hope they'll be said in the courts of law where appropriate punishments will be dealt out. There are tests and physiotherapies to find and possibly work out these matter, even operations. There's no need to gaslight, harm or ignore anyone.
I learned at a young age to be alone and as an adult I’m an introvert and reclusive by nature. Latchkey kid who was self reliant at 7. I’m now 49, married and still prefer to be alone. Well not totally alone my dog is always by my side ❤️
That's me too. I love being alone but don't feel lonely. Interacting with others is exhausting. My husband understands and I get enough me time. At work it's worse because it's all just an act and I am physically and mentally exhausted when I get home.
I was told my entire life, "Oh Somebody Looks Crooked at You and You Fall Apart". And never allowed to express or show emotions. I'm now 57, and still trying to figure out and justify feeling and expressing emotions. Mine have been buried and hidden for so long, I often forget what it's like to feel anything.
PTSD since I was 6..in the middle of my dad's killing. I'm 72 now & wow... Thank you .. this is me.. I couldn't even communicate till I was 12.. life was hell no one talked to me about it..ever..but I can talk about it now..
So sorry that you experienced this and especially at such a young and impressionable age, and that you have carried this with you for your whole life. Well done for starting the healing journey. I wish you all the best and am sure this community does too. To healing and having our truth heard ✨️
People love talking to me about themselves because I ask really great questions. I am also very empathetic. But, when people ask me questions (which is almost NEVER), I always get dysregulated. I quickly put it back on them.
I once listened too long to someone with bipolar who went off their meds who never got to the point of their story and I literally passed out! Thankyou. Resonating highly.
Oh I know it happened to me. I felt invisible as a child Both at home and at school. I felt like a non-person. Unwanted. I married young to the first person who asked me. Big mistake. He was a narcissist. I have felt unwanted in any real way my whole life. I became a people pleaser until I became too ill to do it. Being alone is just easier now.
I am still learning a lot at almost 59. Videos like this help me see why I am the way I am and what I need to work on and that I can change and improve.
At 62 years old, all of those feelings are still with me. Oh God, how they are still with me. You could have been describing me and my life. It is so difficult for me to accept help without fearing that what I'm doing isn't good enough. I can remember so vividly, the day, the way the room looked when my brother made fun of something I said and brushed it off as unimportant and boring. I am so much happier being alone or with my husband. Social anxiety has plagued me all my life because I can't bear the thought that I'm boring people or what I have to say is unimportant.
goodness, I wish you were my neighbor! You wrote that so well. We have much in common. I'm 78, live with my quiet husband - decent but uncommunicative. In this state 6 years and have 1 good friend here and 1 from our previous location, lots of nice church "acquaintenances". I try to stay close to God, keep my own counsel, do what I will feel good about at end of day. May God richly bless you with peace interrupted with many small joys ❤️🙏❤️
Pretty much from birth for me. Born after a chronically ill brother and a brother 14 months younger. I was alone a lot and not allowed to have needs or emotions. I felt like an invisible balloon floating over everyone waiting to be noticed and brought back to earth. I still feel like this often at 60. Never attached to a safe adult.
Same. My older sister has health issues and she got 100% attention. I was told at about 10 that my feelings didn't matter... which really meant *I* didn't matter. Still never a priority with my family and I don't have a family of my own.
@@amyholcomb6484 I am so sorry. I wish you peace on your healing journey. I am still struggling to find my identity. It helps knowing others understand. I have very little contact with family now, by choice. I am building my own supportive community with friends.
This is one of the core experiences of my troubled childhood. It's amazing having an actual video on something no one has ever validated me on. Now i'm always to take the blame for "never telling anyone anything i went through".
Yes. My mother not only didn't listen to me, she didn't talk to me either. She never changed. She was mentally abusive when she did talk. She would negatively compare me to all of the girls my age, like cheerleaders and homecoming queens. I used to fantasize at bedtime about having a fairy book mother that would come in and kiss me lovingly on my forehead. I wanted a mother SO badly. I ended up being a targeted person, because I never learned to defend myself in the appropriate manner.
Here's a good one. When my mother was praising my sister to me for having many friends, being popular, a cheerleader etc as opposed to me, I said "mom, I was a cheerleader". Her response was "you were"? "Yes I was the captain". "you were"? "yes" " I was nominated for homecoming queen" "You were"? At which I said "where the hell were you?" She said "well, I just don't know honey". That pretty much set me on the road to recovery at forty something. Again, take a good hard look at the people around you, especially your parents.
I also have a narcissistic mom. I stood at our glass front door for years, daydreaming about my "real" family walking through the gate to our house, a mom, a dad, and a big brother. Blonde and green eyes, like I have. And I dreamt about to open the door, and run to them, and they laugh and are happy and they came and took me to me real home where I was loved and had a big brother who cared for me and not a big sister who bullied me constantly.
Watching Bluey was very healing for me. My childhood wasn't bad, but being an emotional person in a very unserious family definitely took it's toll on me. I feel very emotionally neglected. Watching Bingo, an emotional child who feels afraid to speak up for herself, have her feelings validated and to watch her family sincerely apologize when they hurt her feelings and try to make amends with her was really helpful. I still have problems communicating, and blaming people is pointless now, but it feels good to look at how Bingo is treated and say to myself "I should have had that as a child, i deserved to be treated with patience and kindness. My feelings matter."
I can't even cry in front of people tbh. My dad would always accuse me of being manipulative when I'd cry out of frustration. That doesn't feel good, when you literally can't help but cry and someone tells you you're only doing it to make them feel bad. Like maybe I'm crying because *I* feel bad and it's not about you and how you feel.
Oh I hate crying in front of people. I was accused of fake tears and manipulation before. Even before that I didn't want to cry publically, but the accusation left me feeling even more wretched. I was overwhelmed and they added confusion and more to the cascade of emotions and stress I had inside.
I hate crying in front of people too and some people hate that I don’t like being touched bc the minute someone hugs me I’ll break down. I usually just put a smile on face and wipe any tears that are about to form. Why I cried when I was younger. Nobody felt bad for me or wanted to help me. I got told to grow up, suck it up, and get over it.
My dad treated me like this too. Now when my husband cries in our arguments i say the same thing, even if im crying already. I just dont trust anyone who cries because the irony is is my dad used "sadness" as a way to manipulate me... Like "im dying and you would say that to me?" "Youre breaking my heart over something i said 5 years ago" or shit like that. He always... just ....
I remember my school councillor used to say I was crying to manipulate my mother when in reality I was crying and obviously that’s my mum, she gives me comfort + I had a hard time holding back tears. I purely think she took sides with my abusive father because 1. She was also a first gen immigrant(so similar cultural ideals. And 2. Some people like purposely making someone’s home life worse.
Growing up undiagnosed autistic and adhd it wasn't just parents, it was literally everyone. I literally just threw in the towel with trying at school because no matter how much I tried to tell them I WAS trying, they just wanted to yell at me. Continued on into adulthood too, but now I have my diagnosis I can't tell you what a relief it is to know I can describe it to another autistic person and have them enthusiastically agree with my experience
As a former kid/student, the teachers we most liked were the ones who liked to talk with us and listen to us and casually show that they wanted the best for the students, whereas the least liked were those who just got in class, gave their lecture and didn't care about us. I heard about a recent study where kids rated how good their teachers are and why, and the biggest thing the highest rated teachers had in common was their compassion. Maybe your childhood of not being listened to made you want to make sure nobody else felt that way, which has made you respected and likeable as a teacher :)
Please be careful with those kids. Recognize the huge privilege and influence you have. Some of my teachers were bullies, very insensitive and hurt me so much. They seemed to care more about the students liking them/thinking they were cool than helping to create good, educated people.
As a teacher, I feel this very deeply as well. It's so healing to see, and I try to return the favor as much as possible. Especially since it's a second language class. Give them as much time as I can give to let them put their words together.
Everything you said was so spot on. When I talk, I am loud and overly emphatic, and I drone on and on about my symptoms when I am sick. When I am down with the flu or cold, I am certain no one believes me. I exhaust myself.
I'm in my 60's and this is the first time someone has explained exactly how I feel, think, and react in certain situations. It explains so much... Thank you!
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Did anyone else hear grow up in a household where the saying "children should be seen and not heard" was a common mantra?
I fawn because I'm genuinely happy to have a friend some people have nobpdy
Thanks!
@@nannyoverzet1954Some of us exist in the real world, not your fairy tale one.
I learned to be quiet and alone.
It's not changed.
Are you ok randy?
@@danirocket21611 yeah. It doesn't matter.
@@randyping6036 yes it does matter. 😊 you matter. What are your hobbies?
me.too
@@randyping6036 my answer exactly
Not listened to as an adult either.
Edit: the number of likes shows that we all feel similarly. Hopefully it brings comfort to know you are not alone.
I wonder how I am contributing to this continuing to happen.
@@danielraypickrel4316 very valid thought. I wonder the same.
Yes absolutely ❤
yup :(
Same. Sigh 😕
When people talk over me, i dont point it out. I just stop talking. If someone stops and notices i stopped, im always surprised. It's kinda rare. Anyone else?
They almost never notice.
One repeatedly guilty friend is almost certainly a narcissist. Can’t be wrong. Tells everyone what they should do, think, buy. Not worth my time.
It is rare, but when it happens you just found a worthy person.
People talk over me all the time to the point I cannot finish a simple sentence.
They even tell things that look like questions, then when I start replying they completely change topic then tell me that I speak a lot.
I think it comes from frustration, still it's annoying.
Not all people are like that, so when I find someone different I tend to keep them, unless they make other kind of serious troubles.
No. I just don’t stop talking or tell them to shut the fuck up
Im the same way. but you can use it to your advantage. people want to be heard, you being quiet can be considered positive by them
Ditto..
"from the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen" - Cat Stevens
Ikr?
Same here.
A favorite lyric from my youth on. Thanks.
"You have two ears and one mouth" was something I was always told by my dad. that man likes to talk, he should take his own advice sometimes!
Love that record!! ❤
In my days growing up speaking your opinion was equivalent to "talking back". When you become an adult you have every right to speak your opinion.
Absolutely... In my family not agreeing with Catholicism was not allowed. Wanting to do activities that other children did were so often 'not for us'. Even girl guides wasn't allowed because meetings were held in a protestant hall! 😳
THIS! Forced to agree, or you are ARGUING, and *that* is the cardinal sin.When i gathered the confidence to finally object politely to a targeted slight, my parent would shut it all down and declare she is "not going there." She is dumbfounded about how our relationship changed. Wow. I have an opinion now. 😮
Yes! Every time I would try to talk about anything that bothered me, I was made to feel I was the problem. I was the nicest most thoughtful of my siblings, but was always treated the worst. They could say whatever they wanted, or act rude to me, and my parents always defended their behavior. If they said something rude, my mom would say they didn’t mean it the way I took it, when Yes, they did. We’re all adults now, and it’s still that way. I still love my parents and siblings, but, I just don’t understand their behavior.
Back in the day when I was growing up, if you voiced your opinion on something, more often than not, you either got yelled at, or you were hit
@@noname-jh3bd Right. And that is exactly what my mother used as an excuse to get me to shut up. She'd say SHE would get hit if she "argued" w her dad. So.... that was my cue. I was not allowed an opinion.
I was told that I was a quiet child and I should speak more. But when I spoke noone listened :(
Same here
This. My mom loves saying "the right thing" but she never EVER backed it up.
My mom always wanted me to come to her "for anything" but what she really meant was "come to me with a pre-approved problem you are allowed to have, and then I'll care. By the way, that list is tiny, and I'll not give you any hints. Just shame you when you are wrong."
@@RemnantTheWolf Hah, same. Literally the same. My parents pretended it was an open loving household, but when I had almost any problem at all(minus stuff related to electronics, like phones/wifi/computers/consoles) I was met with silence or derision. I couldn't even get injured because my parents would shame me for having an injury. I remember having serious diarrhea and almost passed out and all my parents did was joke about it. I had state subsidized childhood health insurance that was free for my parents.
Boo hoo. If you demonstrably provide value people listen to you. End of.
@@CasperInkyMagoo I hope someone turns you into a Stalker from the Half-Life series.
One of the most difficult things about other people not listening or silencing us is that it can cause us to learn not to listen to ourselves.
well said
FELT.
Yes 😢
Well said! I used to abandon myself right after leaving a shitty relationship. It's like I was saying to the world: Don't worry, now that I'm away from my nasty sister, I will self- criticize to make sure EVERYONE knows I'm not good enough to FEEL WORTHY! I will punish myself! I exaggerated that to illustrate how the mind-fuck wants to get going even unprovoked! Self talk is very important!
Spot on!!
I was raised to be seen and not heard. All I ever heard was “No”. I was told “No don’t say that” or “No don’t do that.” And my favorite… “No, you don’t want that.” Everybody was impressed because my parents raised such a good child, but they didn’t raise a good adult. Still figuring things out on my own now.
Wow, you actually mentioned one very interesting point here.
When parent focus on raising well behaved child, but miss the preparation for adult life.
Wow! j.r. , I sure can relate to your comment! I was never heard as a child either! For that matter, I was barely even seen, having been raised
by narcississtic parents! I've been listening to these helpful videos by Anna Runkle and hope that you will be just as inspired by them as I have!! Pls know that you are not alone. Doing positive affirmations and creating a more positive mindset has helped me find some self-esteem and self-confidence. Know that you are a valuable and unique person in this world and that you have every right to be HEARD: Your
opinions and feelings matter.
I wish you, j.r., all the best in your spiritual journey. ♥ 🙂
Yep this. "The good quite kids" actually just traumatised
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Raised to be a good child, not a good adult is like 75% of humanity. Wait, that doesn't add up because at least 25% aren't even raised to be good children. So idk numbers but I do know there are and have always been A LOT of us. Just wanted to say I hear you fam... And I bet you're a waaay better adult than you think. 🌱 Just keep growing.
Before my mom passed away, she acknowledged that I was neglected as a child, and apologized. Huge healing moment ❤
You are so blessed to have her do this. ❤
My Mom did a similar thing, but I didn't get any healing from it. I dont feel like I ever knew her really. Maybe thats why.
Thank you❤
I would have gone to war just for this, but i've given up a long time ago. It's not happening, no matter whose final moments it is.
Rare too….Happy for you 💗
I felt invisible as a child. I realized pretty early that most people are just waiting for their turn to talk, some will just talk over you like you don't exist, a rare few actually listen and hear.
I still get talked over by certain family members and in professional situations. Nothing infuriates me more and it makes me see the people who do it as vacuous, immature attention seekers
I still feel invisible.
As a child, part of growing up, is learning how to navigate all that, in amongst other people, WITH YOUR OWN AGENCY, AT ANY AGE. You always had it. Just perform well.
Corollary: Be the change you want to see, every minute of your life.
Once people quietly admire you for your achievements, comments like "Be quiet..." do fall away.
PSSST: This is how everybody else does it!
Totally. I get triggered by my husband because he has no interest in anything I have to say. He’s just impatiently waiting for his turn. And when I pause to let him start talking what he says is not related to what I was saying at all. Sometimes he says I talk too much. Sometimes he asks “Are you done yet?” Or is it my turn yet?” I tend to talk fast because I know he’s not interested or that he’s going to walk away while I’m in mid-sentence. I over explain when I get no feed back or acknowledgement when speaking. I don’t know how to change. Growing up my feelings weren’t important to anyone.
@@barbaradurel9846 - I had a husband (almost) like that. He's somebody else's problem now 😁.
2 things.
1, Learn not to overexplain, just drop the conclusion on him and walk away. He'll have to ask you qns.
2, Go away for weeks to look after a sick relative or friend. After 1week he'll be calling you home coz he won't find anything in the house to keep the family going. Do this as often as you need to get away from him.
🍀🍀🍀😇
Does anyone else feel they just don't matter?🤔
You're not alone and we're sending you our support!
Nika@TeamFairy
Yes
Yes to various degrees with different people, then i realized i was seeking validation due to my insecurities as a child that wasnt validated.
@@nannyoverzet1954 ya metieron a "Christ" en el asunto🙄 y encima, queriendo invalidar el sentimiento, como si fuera el resultado de una falta en aquel que lo siente, como si no se sintiera bien porque aún no ha "learnt how to forgive" 🙄oh, c'mon.
That is a tipical from a person who want to be acknowledged as good decent Christian. The trouble is the subject passed by them as their object is themselves and not the plea for help
The worst is when you finally get a word in and the person who talks over you later takes credit for what you said…
LOL !! wow what a statement. i had a lightbulb moment.
My ex husband always did that to me. Or I would say something smart or clever and he would say ‘where did you hear that?’ He never gave me credit for an original idea
Turn it around. You have power over that person who repeated your thought.
You are the puppet master.
Make them dance.
ive learned to use this to seed ideas and get other people to act for me so i dont even have to do anything.. everyone else does everything for me..
Kids pick up that their parents are already burdened, and they don't want to add to their burdens, so they get used to pretending that everything is fine. And even come to believe that being unhappy is just their 'nature.'
My mother recently told me I started to smile for once
this hits 😢
Very true and an awesome addition
I picked up that I was the burden. I felt guilty for even being alive. Why didn't he acknowledge my existence???
I never knew why, but my dad occasionally threatened to put my sister and I into foster care if we “became too much trouble.” I grew up terrified to do anything that upset him…and wondered before he died if he ever said something that made me not want to spend time with him.
When people listen to me, I am surprised, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I suppose it's because I don't feel entitled to be listened to.
YES. yes, exactly. Sometimes I even get mad... Like I get agitated when people genuinely want to know how I feel. It throws me for a loop, and does surprise me. And in that moment of being surprised, my "feeling of undeserving" agitates me. And then I put up another wall.
EXACTLY!!!
Me too
Same
Same
I get weird anxiety when someone is actually listening to me and making eye contact with me. The eye contact makes me overthink what they might be thinking or observing about me, my face, what I'm saying etc.
I do too! And I also find myself talking quickly because surely they don't really want to be listening to me (so I have to cram it all in), and then afterward, I worry about what I said and berate myself for talking at all.
@@vanpelt9229omg exactly what I do
Sometimes I wish I have a way of speaking slowly and hesitatingly… And I think I wonder if people think that I’m somehow mentally defective when I’m speaking. Like they’re trying really hard to expand their normal Fremin mode of giving attention because I know I’m somehow like a special needs adult.
I really don’t like eye contact. I’m so aware I’m not looking a person in the eye when I’m talking. I try feel uncomfortable, forget what I was trying to say, and that makes me feel stupid. I’m almost 70 and have been teaching groups of kids and adults my whole life. I can look animals, kids, and injured or sick/dying people in the eye. Just not normal adults.
@@zuzuspetals9281 it’s taking me years of practice… But I can do it. But that’s on doing many years of looking away and looking away.
That one thing that’s made a difference for me is that I’ve given up, trying to present myself in any sort of way. I just empty myself and try to be present with the other person actually give them my attention, And then see what arises in the moment. I don’t know if that helps, or might help… To actually not worry about what you’re going to say, and be happy if you don’t have to say very much at all let the other person talk. People are very happy to talk. And actually respond to what the other person says… And let them take the spotlight. It’s kind of fun.
'Group dynamics are overwhelming to you' - that's me.
Yeah, I get that too. In group conversations there rarely seems like there is any “space” to participate. Because you feel like you’re on the outside watching everyone else talk. And they don’t bother to ask you any questions or try to include you.
literally, in every school group project i was either doing everything or doing nothing
@@JCA51698will be a chairman this time ,in a meeting .
when i see a loop hole to have a say .
I try my best.
Can’t do groups.
I’ll keep trying, but it’s like a severely foreign language to me.
I was an intelligent child, but constantly ignored, and being the youngest had no social interaction from the other members of the family , and now I keep people at arms length
Same.
Being the youngest, the perception my siblings had was that I was the baby and got all of the attention. Yeah, when I was a baby. And for some reason, seeing me being cared for as a baby, they believed I was always being cared for by my parents as a kid and teen, even though they saw I wasn't.
They tried saying I was spoiled when I was given hand-me-downs my entire life, never had any privacy, and I wasn't allowed to go to my friends house (but they could come over) or have any freedom in general.
@@aprild4906 very sad….hope you’re ok now…
@@occallie very sad, hope you’re ok now…
Speaking as the scapegoated black sheep who's constantly ignored, mocked, bellitled and treated worse like a trash/subhuman... I learned the hard way to keep people at arms lenght including my own family (which destroyed me and me life).
My narcissistic mother ignored me. I realized my mother treated me differently when I went to my friends homes when I was younger. Their mother would hug and kiss them goodnight. They actually had conversations with them. I remember feeling jealous. One of my friends mothers would kiss me goodnight on the head when I stayed the night. I wanted to stay over there every weekend. When I had my own children I showed them a lot of affection and talked to them often. I never want them to feel like I did.
Breaking the cycle. Good for you! I did the same.
Ignored=low self esteem...=anxiety, anxiety has ruined my entire life!
I'm about to turn 60, and I might be able to get creative soon! 😍❤️
II am 70, and I was in my 60s before I got my trauma really mostly behind me, so it can happen. The thing that helped me the most with the anxiety was EFT (tapping). I hope you find what works for you!
Sandra, your life is not over, and discovering creativity later in life, after 'No', is a beautiful adventure & extremely therapeutic. Confronting but so exhilarating!
Misdiagnosed as only depression when anxiety was the trigger. Shy child. 56 and I’ve gone no contact with 2 sisters and asked for low contact with my adult children until we can get professional help with our communication. I only recently understood this videos topic was the main issue in my life.
Do not give that one more minute of your life. Nobody taught them how to parent. That has helped me so much. My parents were horrible listeners…my dad ignored and interrupted constantly to change the topic if it was hard or uncomfortable for him. My mom might have heard but then either did not validate it, ridiculed me instead, or slapped me.
I'm almost 50 and the anxiety is off the charts I'm having it way more I get chest pain from it
So that's why I get intense when I speak. This really resonated with me. And yeah, lots of anger buried underneath, and an ocean's worth of sorrow, too.
Well said, this is absolutely true of me too
Me too. It's taken me a lifetime to work out why people were upset by the way I spoke when I never intended malice or unkindness etc. This is amazing.
I personally appreciate intense people :) Sometimes I really wonder if I’ll ever heal the grief I feel. I’ve been such a people pleaser, and it attracted the most narcissistic people I could’ve ever imagined knowing. People have really caused me to lose all the faith I once had. I hope so so much that I’ve figured out how to break the spell.
Same here.
Oh you’re soooo deep and affected. 🙄
I'm the youngest of three girls. Now almost 70 years old. My mother was emotionally distant, for her own reasons, and my father, although more involved in our lives, never spoke of feelings. My sisters in their different ways keep me at arm's length. When I was between 11 -16 years old I went to a small riding camp. When it was time to go home, I always cried. I didn't know why then but now I know it was because the woman who headed up the camp listened to me. When my mother died a few years ago, I didn't feel any sadness or loss even though I had been seeing her on a weekly basis for years. She wasn't rude or unkind - just didn't want to hear who I was. I tried to hear my 4 children - I hope I did enough.
Your mother is exactly how my father was for me. He died when I was 17 but he was emotioally distant but never unkind. All these years later it still bothers me that he didn't really want to get to know me.
You are a good parent. ❤
@@KiaraLemmonecould it be that he didn’t want to get to know you or that he didn’t know how? My father has been emotionally distant my whole life, on top of addiction… but his father, my late grandfather, was a very quiet reserved & distant man.
@@shanley_rn7276 its possible he didn't know how, but he did connect with my sister and he was always very close with his nephews. I can remember when he used to pick me up after a music lesson, it would be dead silence all the way home. I would try to conversate (as well as a 10 or 11 year old can) but it never really was more than one word answers. He was a good man but it always felt like he had no interest in me. His father passed away before I was born, so I really can't say how his own father was with him. His mom passed away when I was 2 so really don't remember her either.
Maybe this is why so many of us are terrified of public speaking?
Because we were taught that expressing ourselves meant abandonment.🤔
I learned to love public speaking, taught by excellent school teachers. Struggle more with one on one. Public speaking can be scripted and prepared.
I'd rather skydive than do public speaking. Alot more calming.
@@nannyoverzet1954 Then what are you doing listening to this video? 🤣🤣🤣
@@nannyoverzet1954This is bad advice. Forgiveness is good, but it doesn’t fix what’s broken.
@@nannyoverzet1954 L take
2:12 "It's hard to have confidence in yourself when the way you relate to people had to be invented by a little kid."
Yea, I had to pause at that point and let it sink in. Its crazy. And he we are years and years later in our supposedly adult-brains trying to figure out and listening to others.
Yes and that child at the same time being a product of social engineering,
@@nannyoverzet1954how will a fictional character from a story book help? Sling that shit elsewhere kid
@@nannyoverzet1954No, we don't need Christ. Your religion isn't real and isn't merciful.
@@nannyoverzet1954 Nah. No one ignores you more.
Truth tellers are often ignored. People seem to hold on to every word that the pathological liar tells. It's incredible really.
No it's sad and pathetic of the majority of guppy attention span like children parading in adult bodies
Who remembers hearing the saying "children should be seen and not heard?" It has been engrained into our culture.
I just posted that.
Ya, discusting
With car-centric design and the elimination of public spaces, they aren't even seen.
Unlike now where all you hear is out of control screaming kids.
My dad's favourite was little girls should be seen and not heard.
Spot on 💯%. Nobody listens to me as an adult either. I believe I have a lot to say that is valuable, but people are so caught up in themselvss and their pride. I'm so over just about everyone at this point. Feels like Im talking to a brick wall all the time. Or CONSTANTLY interrupted. People's listening skills are garbage.
@@kattilathehunfreedomfighter - 100% agree!! It's rare to find a good listener. I'm sick of the interruptors, the people who hear but don't listen and those who try to talk over me. Also, tired of those folks who talk all about themselves and never ask how I'm doing. Recently I went out with three people for drinks and all they did was talk about themselves. I purposely stayed quiet to see if anybody would ask me anything about me. Nobody did and it left me with an empty feeling. I decided I need to be hanging out with other people who are more respectful and interested in other people's lives, in addition to their own. Hang in there! 💐♥️
@@karenbrill321 I feel exactly the same way. And I also do that all the time - ask all about others and then wait for them to ask about me. They never do. It's astounding how self-absorbed society has become..you hang in there as well! 🤗❤️
There’s a solution that really works for people talking over you. Just say to them, “were there people in your childhood who never let you talk? Is that why you talk over me?” It stops them in their tracks and makes them realize what they’re doing.
@@Livetoeat171 - Fantastic! Thanks so much for this suggestion. I'm going to try it. Really appreciate it!
I hear you. My experiences are the other person speaks and speaks--gets all their stuff out, I listen. Then, I think, maybe it is my turn to speak but no, they are done and they get off the phone or walk away. it never seems to be my turn.
I often think about how differently my life would have turned out if my parents or teachers would have just listened to me and told me that I was capable and smart and could achieve great things. Being ignored makes you think you and your ideas do not matter. Having no confidence can literally stunt every aspect of your life and make you settle for things that you think you deserve, because you don't deserve much.
I hear you but never forget: healing is possible!
Nika@TeamFairy
YES!!!
❤
Its awful when people say it just to say it
You are capable and smart and can achieve and experience greatness
I used to feel a need to fill the silences but when I was a hospice nurse I became ok with silences and listening. Silences are powerful. Some people need someone to listen before they die. I found I could do that for people.
You're impressive and strong for helping those in need and listening to them. ♥
That’s wonderful. That’s an amazing gift you’re giving people
I was always alone in my room. My parents never really talk or ask me if I was ok. There were never conversations of anything. They never even know or cared that I was being bullied at school. Even as an adult I cant talk to them about anything because they never listen.
I'm sorry to hear that. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
@angeluss28 Yep, that's the society we need as Crappy Childhood Fairy replied. We (are) here for you and our peers of society, we need to get the word out so it can be actioned where and as requested.
Bullying at school has become a big topic of mainstream media and school boards in the last few years, yet it still happens daily with some cases becoming exposed - but sometimes after a worse tragedy.
Why would you talk to them?
@@svr5423 to your question of why you would want to talk to them, it's a real dilemma, I found. There are relatives and family friends in the mix. I had to dump all, just like the individual friends who turn out bad, but with family a whole lot of good and bad in one dumping. I asked myself this question before my final and all-member ending to it.
There's probably less mess if it's all removed because there's the gossip and such reinvigorated when dealing with the others of family, and you know, you phone or visit that grandma and she's been told what a shlop you are, she says something or you suspect she's heard something but is quiet on it or unable to defend about it.
I think the better way is, families are genuinely helped at early stages to correct bad parenting behaviours and get along, or child(s) is taken to a better part of the family who'll receive and bring up the child(s) better - with the understanding the parents can still be a parents or remain a relational part of the family but are kept at a distance and agreements are made, so as the parents have the freedoms to get along with the corrective measures or without the worries of bringing up the child(s). That way everyone can get along better with the resulting changes or distancing.
(You have a great and valid question, I'm tempted to ask that same of someone telling of struggles in childhood and beyond.) But having offloaded family relations, I can predict the answers. I say I have no biological and married-into family, I think called extended family. And so there's no visits, no receiving or offering a hand up in family, no holiday and birthday cards, and deaths go unnoticed. My families are friends and in some cases that includes one or a few of their relatives, but they aren't all that close to me as they are in their real family links. And it can hurt when they talk of their activities, celebrations and such. Some people can't go the distance I have, they hope to find some kind of closure to abuses and mend things with possibly few of them getting there for re-broken trust through further abuses and denials with the many more who try.
Sadly, many people who profess to help are no better, tend to gaslight the victims or try to convince people to mend thing without proper closures and even create more harms where there are none. These conversations in community are possibly the best thing to happen, that's why there are growing numbers of thumbs ups, many of them mine, you just got one from me to your question, here's another: 👍🏻
Well, one day they’ll be gone, then you can live your life your way…just forget them
I was really good at keeping myself occupied and entertained as a child. I was happy by myself. I still have nightmares about being berated, criticized, and humiliated.
I was ignored, told I was stupid and hit when I did try to get attention. My grandfather never spoke to me ever! I was adopted into this family. I was constantly told how I didn’t belong to them, I was somebody else’s “cast off”. I’m 62 now and I have a wonderful family. I swore I’d never treat my children like that. My father never talks to his grandchildren, I think they are very lucky that he doesn’t. My boys are in their 30’s now and have their own children who are all amazing. I still have a lot of trouble talking to my own children, but thankfully they have no trouble talking to me. I’m very lucky to have them. Thank you for your videos they do help me. ❤.
"I was somebody else’s cast off” - that's such an unfair and devastating comment. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'd never treat my children like that. That's a promise to myself when I was a teenager. Thanks for sharing, you did so well to break the cycle. Be proud of such an important achievement. Look at all the people you made and the good lives they're living. Bravo 👏
@@just_a_soul242 How awful you went through that. But you nailed the explanation. It turns out my appearance and proclivities come from people in my family far generations back. A boyfriend's grandmother taught me to do genealogy and I learned where the differences came from. But it didn;t help the day to day I don't fit.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm so glad the channel has been helpful, we love having you in our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
❤
Most of us learned to live our lives in quiet desperation... 🇬🇧
Pink Floyd ❤
Thought I'd something more to say
It’s the English way😢
@@themaggattack Yes - though oddly enough, the phrase had earlier been used by an American, Henry David Thoreau, describing the society of his time.
100% and amen. 👊🏽👍🏽
I don’t get angry when I express needs - I feel so ashamed and burst into tears. Then I am ashamed that I’m crying and it feeds an awful loop.
Don't get mad. Get even. ;)
Haha for me when i feel anger during those moments, i also feel angry towards myself that i am angry
I was the family scapegoat of a large family. At 10, I was sexually assaulted by my sister’s fiancee. I told my mom about it and she sent me to my room as if I did something wrong. This continued for several months. My mom always sent me to my room.
This ended when my sister got married. This event has changed the trajectory of my life in many ways.
When I was a teenager I often had challenges holding in my sadness as I wasn’t treated well. My mom would laugh at me in disgust. I always felt like a burden.
It’s a long road having to face all of that alone. I finally got myself professional help when I was in my 20s. I’m human and I still have scars.
I will never understand why my mother didn’t protect me and why she allowed it to continue. I was never heard as a child and never seen or valued.
One day at a time! None of this was my fault. I know my self worth and I understand why I have done a lot of things the way that I did.
Please know that each and every one of you are here for a reason!
I’m sorry this happened to you. There are people out there that are absolute trash. And yet, there are those among us that walk where angels have stayed. People that are good and genuine do exist. You will find them more in your life as you begin to heal. Animals are this way too. You are worthy of love, don’t waste your time with those that have shown they don’t care about you. Move on, toward those who were intended for you.
Your mother is really unwell. Narcissists should never have children. I was also the scape goat and have cut ties with my NPD mother. With a lot of healing work, I am proud and thankful for not turning out like her. I hope you feel the same in that you didn’t become the monster your mother is. Because how could any decent person turn a blind eye to a child getting harmed?
Thank you for sharing. Your story hits home for me as I had a similar upbringing. Finding a good therapist and doing the work on yourself is key. One piece of advice I want to share, which is a lesson I learned recently and you may have already learned is: watch out for narcissists. Learn the red flags (I didn’t) and walk away at the first sign (I didn’t). I’m learning all of this in hindsight. Please take care of yourself and know that there are many others like you out here.
my mom still to this day shuts down and changes the subject if any of her children tries to speak up about how they feel. she carries a lot of traumatic upbringing from an alcoholic mother who also shut down. so much generational trauma down the line, i'm now certain of it. "it's just how it was done," "we all have to suffer and suck it up," all these ideas that get handed down. i'm very proud to say i've decided that the cycle ends with me, and i am every bit there for and listen to my own child.
I’m not sure I remember my mother ever asking me if something was wrong. I know I didn’t feel seen or heard.
We understand as few others can, you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Come to think of it, I was asked if I was okay if I got hurt BADLY enough that it might require medical attention at an ER, but no one ever asked if I was okay at any other time or for any other reason.
Or they ask, but it's clear the answer is supposed to be "it's fine," they don't really want to know the answer
It's like feeling physically and emotionally invisible. It's confusing. On the one hand your thoughts are legitimate while on the other, there's doubt. It can cause a person to question their thoughts, even one's body and senses. You know it to be real but that others that should take an interest don't care, aren't interested in understanding...
Or loved
it just feels like whenever i talk to my family about my struggles they always tell me to reach out if I ever need anything but as soon as I do, it's an inconvenience and 'why cant you handle this on your own? you're grown!'. the bait and switch is crazy 😭
This
Same. For me, its been "I'll help you out, don't worry!" Until they get sick of it. Once, i argued with my sister, I'm the youngest and I straight out told her I wanted emotional support from her and my family about my struggles, She told me that she doesn't do that. She wasn't going to hold my hand as I cry and coddle me. That if I have a problem "go f**king fix it yourself." That’s when I realized to keep things to myself and not say anything. Mind you I was already in my 20s when this happened.
I hate this about my family. Why am I being shamed for asking for the help they offered me? Sometimes, they even insisted that I need to!
Yes!
"Change the subject..." my mother will say, cutting me off in mid-sentence. She then talks about something else she wants to talk abt. And people wonder why I am quiet or sometimes talk in incomplete sentences.
Wow.
I got the same thing except it came from my father. I eventually figured out he was a Class A narcissist. Every conversation had to be centered around him or something he was interested in.
Me too 😮
My mom likes to say, “anyways, back to what I want to talk about” if someone tries to change the conversation.
I noticed awhile ago I talk in incomplete sentences. I try to communicate quickly before people walk away. When a brother visited I noticed he also talked in incomplete sentences. My Mom came from poverty and an abused childhood. She ignored us almost completely . I always felt sad when I was very young and I would cry myself to sleep (quietly) at night fearful about what would happen if my beloved Dad would die or leave.
All of us kids wouldn’t talk about the way we were treated - how does a small child have vocabulary for abuse.
I also get ignored when I talk at work. It used to make me furious- Now I get small dolls and put pins in them. Haha - just kidding 😂
Another possible layer of that kind of neglect is the rare times you were listened to, it would be used against you later one way or another.
Took me years to ask anything to anyone (I struggle still) because 1. I was convinced no one listened/cared and 2. Whatever it was that I said or asked for it will be used to bring me down or guilt trip me.
Sometimes *decades* later. I was in my late forties, talking with my mom once and she brought up something I said that she was still salty about. I was like, "mom I was fourteen, everyone's a jerk at that age."
Yup. My parents are very smart people. Highly educated with intellectually intense jobs. And they decided to use that intelligence to repeatedly dunk on their children instead of trying to understand us. They should've gotten a tank of geckos instead.
Oh my god yesss... my dad only listened if it could be used as blackmail later, either to embarrass me in front of my friends or to mock me later
Oh that struck a nerve. Well said.
On God. This.
My entire childhood.
I've wondered so long why I'm so awkward at being an adult.
1. You may get anxious or angry putting emotions into words
2. You might lapse into fawning or people pleasing
3. Group dynamics are overwhelming (you feel like you get overlooked or don’t get your turn)
4. You only express yourself while crying or so angry you can’t take anymore or get frozen in silence and shut everyone out.
5. Long silences make you uncomfortable.
6. Talk fast as to not take up people’s time.
7. Get overly intense when talking about your feelings or if you need help/get sick so that you are “believed” or “taken care of”
8. Exaggeration and/or bragging
9. Anger and anxiety or fear and resentment … so you repeat yourself or talk louder or interrupt, get upset if someone asks you any question/ challenges you
10. Over self disclosure… tell people too much too soon…
11. …
NEED TO PIN THIS LIST!!
I don't understand why people can't say it right. Most of the time, it's not about self-confidence but about not trusting others.
Wow, wise words !
Makes sense.
Absolutely true. It really is about not trusting anyone.
I don’t think so. I trusted others more than myself because I had no confidence.
@@louisesultana2431 Sorry for your circumstances, but your case does not obliterate all others, everybody's different ! Maybe YOU trusted others but don't come tell people they're wrong because you're different ! I nuanced my claim when I said 'most people', and you just say "NO" ???
Growing up in such dynamics and dysfunctions leaves you vulnerable for other dangerous people to creep in. Partners most of all.
Sad but true. That's certainly been my experience.
100%. My people pleasing tendencies attracted the most narcissistic, manipulative advantage taking people I ever could’ve imagined knowing. They really brought me to a brink of despair that nearly cost me my life. The hardest part is forgiving myself for allowing it. It took me 37 years to understand how and why I kept finding these types. Honestly, even after I saw them for who they were, I couldn’t stop wanting to believe they could change. I think I’ve managed to break the spell I’ve been under. The last 20 years have been exhausting.
Yeah that’s how I ended up with my ex of four years. He is a waste to humanity and actually got away with rape, slander, stalking and grand theft. The police did nothing, detectives did nothing but accept being lied to. Oh so a free felony as well 🎉
Most of my life taught me that asking for help was wrong, in fact, asking for anything was wrong. In college one time. we were given a video camera, & left to play around with it. Afterwards, the teacher asked if everybody had had a go & I said I hadn't because I wasn't allowed to. The other students got upset that I hadn't asked for a turn, not knowing I didn't feel it was polite to ask.
Even now it's hard for me to ask for anything, in case I burden somebody, but I win small victories now & then. Like a recent coffee morning in another village, saying to a pal: "I'd love to go, but I don't have a car of course." Pal goes: "oh, we're going & we can take you in my car!" And then my over-gratitude comes in, like I still feel like I don't deserve others doing things for me. By the way, I had a great time with my pal at the coffee morning!!!
I got so used to being ignored that I just don't even talk to anyone anymore. Now I'm alone. Good times
Same. But I have a manipulative bf and we have two kids together.
Same.
@@AlexandraVioletta- why would you have kids with someone who won't marry you AND is manipulative?
Same!
Is it good? You must be a gen z lol.
I try not to resent my family. Nobody ever cared for me. They didn’t teach me how to be a person. I had only one good friend. I didn’t know how. I wasn’t told I was good or smart. I look back and think of how my life could have been better if anyone had encouraged my many talents. I know I had them, but I let them go. I can write and run and swim. I could have excelled, but I never tried because they didn’t care.
Ditto. And narcissistic 'mom' would actually tell me I would not succeed, but if I did, she would undermine it in myriad ways. Like you, I was blessed with many talents, and have often wondered whom I "could have been".
I do believe in a life after this one. My hope and prayer is that our gifts are merely being preserved, until the time when we are ordained to share them with whatever comes next! Blessings, healing, and peace to you, my Dear. 🕊️❤️🩹✌️
@@gottabme Thank you for the lovely blessing. Maybe I will find peace someday. I cry a lot. I don’t know if I want to come back.
@@gottabmeCould‘ve excelled? Why not try now? To excel doesn’t mean anything concrete so one can always feel dissatisfaction about their position in life.
@@noahraab2429 I didn't use those words. Also, I am now 67 y.o. in a wheelchair with MS, so...yeah, I can't do what I used to do. I did 'excel' at several things when I got older and left home, so there's that.
@@gottabme yeah, MS is a bitch. Good on you for living life though
I was always taught that it’s rude to interrupt and talk over people, but when I asked why everyone talked over me then, I was told because I was a child and what I was saying wasn’t important. Those exact words…
I totally can relate to this 😭 so i was always the “nice” quiet kid.
My father (born 1910) believed that "children should be seen and not heard" as well as "speak only when spoken to".
I was always ignored and yes, I've still got issues at the age of 64.
My dad said that too but he laughed because he couldn't pull it off. He was trying to imitate his mother's father who would've been born around 1910 also.
His grandfather would come into the room and shake his newspaper which was a single to everyone to be silent!
My father was born in 1950 and said this to me in the 90s.
My father never said it but anything said when he was pre volitile outburst or during one or even just a look, shut me down. He is still the damn same now at 80. I'm sick of him. He has always acted like an oppositional teenager. Now he is forgetful but won't accept it, he pretends he doesn't hear stuff or that he has changed his mind. If he accepted he was forgetful and went to the doctors then I could be more understanding and we could all work with it. When an 80 year old is stood in front of you acting like a teenager and making stupid jokes, it's irritating. I'm very sick and not once has he shown me any empathy or asked me how im feeling. He said he would change a light fitting for me, then turns up at my house with no tools laughing and joking making me go over it all again and denying the way we had agreed he would do the job. Then he told me im not really ill, he is ill and im antisocial! Wtf! He has always been this way, just a nasty bully. When I was a younger fit healthy person I thought I could never put my parents in an oap home, when they get dementia, now not so much.
My father was born in 1930 but still had the same view. Good forbid you spoke up for yourself, you’d get a clip round the ear. So we never spoke as Dad was always right, there was no discussion about anything. I have suffered all my life from not standing up for myself and now at 69, I’m so angry with myself.
@@sharoncross5371 you were programmed a) not to stand up for yourself and b) to take responsibility for things that weren't your fault. Find that neglected little girl within yourself and going forward, focus on loving and protecting her. She's had enough anger thrown at her for one lifetime ❤
Realizing all of this now at 46 seems like I’ve wasted my whole life living with these “symptoms”. I go “oh, is that why I couldn’t find anybody to love me”. It hurts.
I am right there in the same boat with you 😢
Sending you lots of love and healing energy 🤍
I'm so glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm a whole 10 years older than you, so it could worse😮😊
Same. I'm in my early 50s and just starting to do the work with CCF and living in a new community.
Same
I was invalidated so much that I completely invalidated myself. I lost myself, treated myself like shit. It hurts and it hurts even more waking up to that truth but you have to to get better.
Don’t give up sailor ❤
Growing up, whenever I tried to talk about how I felt or something that was interesting to me, my father would shut me down with some form of, "No, you're wrong." By the time I started school, I was the quiet kid who didn't speak up for herself and just went along with whatever. I would tag along with whoever would tolerate my presence because it was better than being alone. I still do these things at nearly 50. Thank you for showing me that it's not just me.
You are not alone and we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
"sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt you"....yeah, sure.
I was a shy kid and was picked on often at school. Also I was a little slow in responding verbally when asked a question. One knickname I had was "Dumbshit." Even at 70 years old when I forget something or if I do something wrong I hear that in my head...."Dumbshit." I thought I was ugly because of things my 3rd grade teacher told me about my ears. I think the fact my father beat me with ropes or extension cords or his coils of garden hose a number of times handicapped me too. My parents would compare me with my older sister who finished first in her class at two colleges. Damn it was hard growing up. There was a lot of shit going on. I thank the Good Lord that my last 15 years have been great. I married a wonderful woman when I was 56. Her and her family have been the family I always wanted, but never had.
@@prairiemark4084 I'm so glad you have found happiness. 😊😊
@@nannyoverzet1954 I would not have made it this far without the Lord. But it is also helpful to understand that abuse as a young child affects how you are as an adult. The damage is real. Believing facts like that is not inconsistent with having Christian faith.
@@nannyoverzet1954That is one of lousiest and meanest things, anyone could say to someone, who 6:43 has been ignored/not heard/put down and demeaned all their childhood, by over demanding parents or parent! It is an absolute load of crap. Go and preach in your chosen place of religion, not on this channel! This is neither the place, nor the time!
big lie, words can hurt.
I dont want to die unhealed, i want to thrive healed.
You are in the right place!
Nika@TeamFairy
One problem with using silence instead of filler words in conversation (rather than on a one-way medium) is that some people will take the gaps as an opportunity to start speaking, and then speak over you.
Yes and then I end up forgetting what I was going to say in the first place.
My mother doesn't even wait for gaps. But leave a gap, and it's all over. The floor is HERS now. As if you were never even trying to say anything.
@@themaggattack My mother rarely listens or lets me get a word in at all. She'll even ask me a question then immediately start talking over me the second I utter a word in reply. Calling it demoralising and frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it. The icing on the cake is when she'll ask "why didn't you tell me?" further down the line... I tried, oh how I tried.
THANK YOU OP!!!
Since my iPhone Times my phone calls, I’ve noticed I have many people on my life who talk 45, 55 or 90 minutes straight without ever asking me how I am or what’s up with me. One ‘friend’ said recently (after an hour long monologue) “next time I’ll let you talk.” At least I’m starting to notice and break in sometimes and say, “it’s great to catch up but I have to get going.”
Same! If/when I say more than the perfunctory uhuh, they end the conversation.
Hurts.
People like that make almost no space to actually interject!
Look for reciprocity in relationships. It’s what a relationship should be. Expect to have conversations, not to be a listening post for the loquacious. Be patient, but do expect better treatment.
@karenfisher4170 I fell into this pattern with all of my friends. I was the unpaid therapist, the ever-sympathetic listener. But as I got older, I realized that a) I was using it to feel superior, which was more than a little arrogant; and b) I really wanted to have the floor for at least a little bit to talk about MY stuff. However, when I tried to break the pattern, my friends resisted tooth and nail, to the point where I felt I had no choice but to walk away. In retrospect, I didn't do a very good job of communicating my needs. I'm much more articulate now. But I'm still pretty much friendless. I was really hobbled as I came into adulthood; healthy behaviors and communication that others grew up with as a given I've had to figure out on my own. It's set me back years in my personal and professional development. May we all heal and grow together. ❤
Maybe you should ask people how they're doing instead of expecting it from them.
Wow! I have experienced many of these. It was a trigger just hearing this. Ugh! Thanks for saying this in a light-hearted way, because it was so heavy!
Crying as I listen to this…describes my childhood story to a T. 65 now and still struggling. It never goes away 😢
My heart breaks 💔 reading everyone's responses 😞 l been through hell with every relationship I've had 😢
I'm glad it's not just me, i just started crying too. Why do so many parents have to damage their children?
Same. Im 53 and still racking my brains...how do I get passed it....
❤
I was ignored. And NOT allowed to critical think, about anything, ever.
when you start thinking critically about people, do you also feel like your mind goes blank?
Yes I do and I go nonverbal and don't think idk@@catherinedubrovna7756
I grew up not having a voice in my house whatsoever. I used to cry when I needed to express myself bc I didn’t know how to be heard
I was reprimanded when I said no and expressed discomfort…. I had no choice nor autonomy. They are the parents , they can do whatever they want.
You're not alone. We're sending you our support!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm sorry you experienced that. It wasn't necessary, useful, or kind of them to treat you that way.
No, I was taught that I was supposed to let people treat me like crap. That I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself and needing anything was selfish. If I was hurt, I was being silly or stupid or overreacting.
You're not alone and we're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much. ❤️
I’m with you on that one. Ditto for me as well. I’m looking forward now, and finding ways to love myself. ❤
Oh, same. We are SO MANY. it's sad
If I ever cried when I got hurt when I was little, my mother would snap at me and say, "If you don't shut that up right now, then I will give you something to cry about!" I found out early on that she meant business, and I learned to cry alone. But, we had a dog who had sad brown eyes, and he listened to my troubles. God bless him, I don't think I would have made it without him.
I am in tears. Every word you spoke is how I live my life from day to day. As a kid I was told my opinion didn't matter. I was taught to not speak unless spoken to, and that if I disagree with an adult, I am wrong. I have begged people to "see" me, but I end up pushing them away.
After people pleasing didn't work, I started yelling and screaming, throwing things. A client I was talking to about my home life told me it was because no one was listening to me. And I felt dismissed. Because I was.
@@kathryndemille5321 one of my mom's favorite is to, as I call it, minimalize and dismiss.
My spouse and I are both the youngest siblings in our families. After a decade of miscommunications and misperceptions that sparked arguments, we had an epiphany through a random conversation about childhood memories of being teased and shut down by our siblings or cousins, and just ignored by the adults, during family meals and gatherings. We realized that we were both desperately trying to assert our opinions early in our marriage, talking over one another and, well, just not having fruitful communication. That was a good first step in helping us heal and learn to give one another the reassurance we both needed.
I have been having this exact issue with my boyfriend for five years and I have been thinking of breaking up with him. this comment just filled me with a tiny glimmer of hope.😢
@@BattyKellen I’m so glad! It can be challenging, but if you’re both committed, and willing to put in the effort, it can be worth it. Good luck!
I’m legit happy for you two 🤍
you got me completely HOOKED from start to finish.. and even put me at ease without even realizing I was in a weird state of mind........ thank you so much!
We were told to shut up and got beat for having an opinion. Very dysfunctional is an understatement .
Wow that is an extreme situation
@@MichaelSmith-uy4ui yes, once a week if we were bad or not, messed up. I never hit my children. But ran interference there father was a tyrant at times. I took it. To save them. Karma
Very succinct phrase that sums up my childhood , as well. My father was a Preacher who LOVED spanking. I never talked back, after I realized it only got me pain!! This conditioning was powerful.
Huh, I thought I was the only one. My dad was a great guy, my mom…. She’s the conductor on the disfunction junction train. She’s 84 years old now but in the earlier years she was the corporal in corporal punishment. I was the whipping boy and the rest could do no wrong. I’m kinda wondering if I really belong to my dad or not. I look nothing like my siblings, nor do I act like them or am I treated like them. Is it my imagination???
By: Leo Buscaglia
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do - just hear me…
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
Inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
That I feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational,
Then I can stop trying to convince
You and get about this business
Of understanding what’s behind
This irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn- and I will listen to you.
Perfect.
Leo was great. I got to see him in Portland, many many decades ago.
I love it! Thank you for sharing this!
I always enjoyed Leo’s lectures on PBS. I especially liked his story about when he went to Paris to commiserate with the Existentialists, ran out of money, and sent a one word telegram to Mama to ask for money. 😂😂😂😂 If you remember his lectures like I do, you know the punchline.
I “learned” very early on that it’s not okay for me to need or want things and I should stop asking. It has affected me my entire life. I am 29 now and still learning how to properly communicate needs and feelings.
Oh god the fawning bit in the beginning 😭
Once you’re financially stable and living independently it can help loads sailor. Good luck ❤
I used to get wildly inappropriate gifts as a boy. My parents did had no idea what I actually liked and never gave any indication that they cared. The gifts were purely an expression of a joyless obligation.
Joyless obligation- a phenomenal phrase ❤
I think they didn't care what you liked. They were probably building a narrative to show off to people that they were generous parents. You were just a mode to their means.❤
Have you read ( or listened to) People of the Lie by Dr Peck? Read about BOBBY'S PARENTS. They are Emotionally Lazy to the point where it is pure evil.. Those 20 pages or so, are what finally convinced me to approach my parents as the ones who have the problem
....
When I was 9 my brother’s and mom and I had to move in with my grandparents after my dad was put in prison. For Christmas My grandmother bought my uncle a mini bike, a piano and several boxes of cool toys, she gave my brother’s and I a card with a $5 bill and kept asking us how much we liked my uncle’s gifts as she smiled. That smile sticks with me at 60.. Narcissism is generational..
@@toddhastings5548 wow, that’s unreal! 😢 sorry you had to go through that.
So much of this. I think it was peer rejection more than my parents, but not being listened to is one of the most frustrating things, and it feels like that's the case for a lot of things in my life. Ultimately, not being listened to as a child has led me not to communicate my needs as an adult. I often feel like nobody cares.
Because sometimes the only people we have actually don't care about you.
Its hard to accept and show consequences. I can't. Bc then I would be absolutely alone with 2 kids. I can't
Very much so for me, too, and there was an authority figure who verbally bullied me regularly in front of my parents, who would only step in on more egregious cases. So I ended up not trusting my parents, basically, and wouldn't go to them for help.
I am the eldest of four I am 58 years old, my mom sent us out after breakfast and we got home before supper, she was always busy in her sewing room and we were to leave her alone. I never recall her ever hugging me, or playing with us she ignored us like crazy. I think I was more of a mom to my younger siblings than my mom ever was.
This is so enlightening. I grew up with 4 loud and belittling brothers. They laughed at anything I tried to say. Our mom was working all the time as a single mom.
As an adult now in groups even family it takes a while to get the attention to say something I want to say.. then when all eyes are on me I blank out and forget what I’d wanted to say. 😂
I feel angry at how loud they all are and have just stopped trying at all…but I judge them! I avoid people now and am pretty much alone with my cats and raccoons 😂. They are respectful. I like animals better than people!
I grew up with 4 older brothers and have a lot of trauma connected to that. They were often put in charge of me and that was not a good thing. Very belittling. :/ As an adult I can relate to a lot of what the crappy fairy discusses.
I'd really appreciate some input as to how I can respond to being so blatantly unheard, ignored...itmdoesnt happen all the time, but often enough that it's starting to upset me..thank you..
I've learned a lot about being unheard growing up. Thank you for this talk
Thank you for sharing this with us. We truly understand as few others can and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Can this trauma occur from being ignored by classmates all through school? I had nothing in common with them and we just ignored each other (I wasn't bullied). I was with my 1 or 2 friends, and if they weren't at school one day I'd go all day without speaking or being spoken to by my class mates. This went on from... age 10 to 15 maybe? Then I got severe anorexia and my bipolar disorder started acting up.
My mom was warm and kind and I knew she loved me. Dad I saw maximum 1 hour per day, he worked far away, and we hardly have contact today. But is neglect from 8 hours of school everyday for 5-6 years enough to count as neglected trauma?
I struggle IMMENSELY as an adult talking to doctors, getting help from them, getting taken seriously, getting heard and helped. I seek care as seldom as I can, I have trauma from the psychiatric care I had as a teen. I even went 1,5 week with an actual blood clot because I was sure the doctors would just brush me off and say everything was normal. I could've died. I HATE seeking any kind of care, but as disabled I often need it, and I never get what I need from doctors. I'm struggling every second of every day and has been the latest 20 years. I'm 36 today.
As a child, I was unable to do a particular important/basic task. When adults asked me why I "refused" to do it, I told them that I wanted to but couldn't. Everyone assumed I was lying. Through the sheer luck of my mom being a bit of a hypochondriac and taking me to lots of specialists (including many quacks), one doctor realized I had a piched nerve. (It was more complicated than that, but close enough.) After surgery, I was able to do the task just fine. I never got an apology from any adults. I even asked for one as an adult, but got a shitty "We did the best we could.".
@JoeJoeTater This is often an atrocity played out by people who profess to help, no one checks why someone can't do something, someone hurts or someone stumbles and it goes unchecked, often times becoming permanent, worse or lethal.
The tic bite caused Lyme disease and the stripped muscle are still common challenges unmet by several medical "professionals" and quacks who are supposed to listen and go forth with what is known to have occured and work at it until something is found.
Patient was camping, and feels lousy - check right away if Lyme disease or something else from travels may be the cause and is something to be treated. Patient works in an engine shop and hurts when a body area is stretched - go forth with testing and if that's it tell the patient to avoid stretches there, avoid lifting to let it mend, that sort of things. Some of it is so ubiquitous therefore simple or at least can be found sooner than later with some actual skilled work. But it's easier and sometimes financially beneficial to gaslight the patient and quickly move on to the next patient to gaslight or to actually work with.
All these people have to do better than the one professional who finally catches on, better than untrained people who learn from experiences of themselves or others but can't treat patients and better the Internet which can sell scams.
Listening is a huge part of the medical practice, both vocal and with the stethoscope. Well, mechanics tend to listen, to people who operate things because they know what's happening and some of that listening is hearing and understanding what is happening while something such as an engine is running. There can be something in an operator's story or a pattern or tone in an engine. These acts of listening can give a hint what may be causing something. And yep, sometimes it's just a noise which is really nothing more than a loose part which secured better will become quiet and stay on longer to continue doing its thing.
Apologies are something we will never get.
I'll say it for them: Oh my, we didn’t know there was a medical reason stopping you. It must have been distressing for you. I'm sorry we didn’t know and acted like you didn’t do the thing due to laziness or willfulness. That doesn’t sound like it would feel fair because you literally could not do the thing. We were wrong and I'm sorry we treated you unfairly because of it.
@@jewelweed6880 Good going, scripting other people's apologies for JoeJoeTater. Let's hope if they'll ever be said by these and or other unprofessional and medical malpractice offenders and other people involved in such cases, they'll be said in the courts of law where appropriate punishments can be dealt out. There are various kinds of physical tests and physiotherapies to help find causes and work these out if that can be done and there can be other treatments or even surgical operations meant to help where such problems exist, there's no need to gaslight people, do harm or otherwise leave these matters go not found or untreated.
@@jewelweed6880An earlier reply to you seems to have gone missing, here it is from memory: Good going, scripting other people's apologies for JoeJoeTater. If they'll be said for this person and other victims by the unprofessional and malpracticing medical people and other people involved, I hope they'll be said in the courts of law where appropriate punishments will be dealt out. There are tests and physiotherapies to find and possibly work out these matter, even operations. There's no need to gaslight, harm or ignore anyone.
my mother's most consistent advice to me was always "Stay out of the way and don't bother anybody". I just turned 76 and I'm still doing that.
I learned at a young age to be alone and as an adult I’m an introvert and reclusive by nature. Latchkey kid who was self reliant at 7. I’m now 49, married and still prefer to be alone. Well not totally alone my dog is always by my side ❤️
That's me too. I love being alone but don't feel lonely. Interacting with others is exhausting. My husband understands and I get enough me time. At work it's worse because it's all just an act and I am physically and mentally exhausted when I get home.
Love to your doggie.
My dogs have always been there for me. My best friends
I was told my entire life, "Oh Somebody Looks Crooked at You and You Fall Apart". And never allowed to express or show emotions. I'm now 57, and still trying to figure out and justify feeling and expressing emotions.
Mine have been buried and hidden for so long, I often forget what it's like to feel anything.
You are in the right place. Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Seems like most of us had more childhood trauma than we thought.
We need to make better parents not children.
We need to tell ourselves, “I’m worth it. I’m valued. I’m loved.”
And believe it
It doesn’t help.
@@gaylegeren3992 Keep trying. Some things take a lot of time but are worth it.
@@gaylegeren3992Therapy and a dog ..
It is easier to believe the negative stuff.
PTSD since I was 6..in the middle of my dad's killing. I'm 72 now
& wow... Thank you .. this is me.. I couldn't even communicate till I was 12.. life was hell no one talked to me about it..ever..but I can talk about it now..
Wow hugs!! ❤
So wonderful that you can speak about it now. Sending kind thoughts your way!
❤❤❤❤
Yes! It’s ok. To talk about it now and forever….hugs and prayers for you ❤
So sorry that you experienced this and especially at such a young and impressionable age, and that you have carried this with you for your whole life. Well done for starting the healing journey. I wish you all the best and am sure this community does too. To healing and having our truth heard ✨️
People love talking to me about themselves because I ask really great questions. I am also very empathetic. But, when people ask me questions (which is almost NEVER), I always get dysregulated. I quickly put it back on them.
I do the exact same thing.
Grieving because this is me. Now it makes sense.
Try not 2 feel 2 bad; 🤗. This was me! As well. "Take care"🙏. 👍. 🤗. This 💘 is 4 u! ☺️
I don't FEEL overlooked, I am.
Can you get into therapy so you don't feel over looked?
You are valuable and matter 😊
I see you, I understand
I once listened too long to someone with bipolar who went off their meds who never got to the point of their story and I literally passed out! Thankyou. Resonating highly.
Oh I know it happened to me. I felt invisible as a child Both at home and at school. I felt like a non-person. Unwanted. I married young to the first person who asked me. Big mistake. He was a narcissist. I have felt unwanted in any real way my whole life. I became a people pleaser until I became too ill to do it. Being alone is just easier now.
I hear you and I see you. You matter.
Ditto
Me, too!! Narc was-band, same reason. Thank God I'm free of him, now.
Yes, I grew up feeling the same way, except I didn't want to be seen because that meant a beating, or some other form of abuse.
I am still learning a lot at almost 59.
Videos like this help me see why I am the way I am and what I need to work on and that I can change and improve.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
At 62 years old, all of those feelings are still with me. Oh God, how they are still with me. You could have been describing me and my life. It is so difficult for me to accept help without fearing that what I'm doing isn't good enough. I can remember so vividly, the day, the way the room looked when my brother made fun of something I said and brushed it off as unimportant and boring. I am so much happier being alone or with my husband. Social anxiety has plagued me all my life because I can't bear the thought that I'm boring people or what I have to say is unimportant.
goodness, I wish you were my neighbor! You wrote that so well. We have much in common. I'm 78, live with my quiet husband - decent but uncommunicative. In this state 6 years and have 1 good friend here and 1 from our previous location, lots of nice church "acquaintenances". I try to stay close to God, keep my own counsel, do what I will feel good about at end of day. May God richly bless you with peace interrupted with many small joys ❤️🙏❤️
Pretty much from birth for me. Born after a chronically ill brother and a brother 14 months younger. I was alone a lot and not allowed to have needs or emotions. I felt like an invisible balloon floating over everyone waiting to be noticed and brought back to earth. I still feel like this often at 60. Never attached to a safe adult.
Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate. God bless you.
I'm so glad you're here, we're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Same. My older sister has health issues and she got 100% attention. I was told at about 10 that my feelings didn't matter... which really meant *I* didn't matter. Still never a priority with my family and I don't have a family of my own.
@@amyholcomb6484 I am so sorry. I wish you peace on your healing journey. I am still struggling to find my identity. It helps knowing others understand. I have very little contact with family now, by choice. I am building my own supportive community with friends.
@@amyholcomb6484Wow. Your parents were probably overwhelmed with your sister, but that's no excuse to tell you that your feelings don't matter!
This is one of the core experiences of my troubled childhood. It's amazing having an actual video on something no one has ever validated me on.
Now i'm always to take the blame for "never telling anyone anything i went through".
I think nobody gets through childhood completely unharmed, despite parents' best intentions
Depends on the child and family
Yes. My mother not only didn't listen to me, she didn't talk to me either. She never changed. She was mentally abusive when she did talk. She would negatively compare me to all of the girls my age, like cheerleaders and homecoming queens. I used to fantasize at bedtime about having a fairy book mother that would come in and kiss me lovingly on my forehead. I wanted a mother SO badly.
I ended up being a targeted person, because I never learned to defend myself in the appropriate manner.
Here's a good one. When my mother was praising my sister to me for having many friends, being popular, a cheerleader etc as opposed to me, I said "mom, I was a cheerleader". Her response was "you were"? "Yes I was the captain". "you were"? "yes" " I was nominated for homecoming queen" "You were"? At which I said "where the hell were you?" She said "well, I just don't know honey". That pretty much set me on the road to recovery at forty something. Again, take a good hard look at the people around you, especially your parents.
Same, honey. Same. You’re not alone. Let’s do our best to make the most of the time we have left. We got this. 👊🏽❤️
I also have a narcissistic mom.
I stood at our glass front door for years, daydreaming about my "real" family walking through the gate to our house, a mom, a dad, and a big brother. Blonde and green eyes, like I have.
And I dreamt about to open the door, and run to them, and they laugh and are happy and they came and took me to me real home where I was loved and had a big brother who cared for me and not a big sister who bullied me constantly.
@@AlexandraVioletta Many of us had to invent imaginary families :(
What an emotionally intelligent, eloquent and insightful lady this is. I started to understand myself (and others) more just by listening to her.
Watching Bluey was very healing for me. My childhood wasn't bad, but being an emotional person in a very unserious family definitely took it's toll on me. I feel very emotionally neglected. Watching Bingo, an emotional child who feels afraid to speak up for herself, have her feelings validated and to watch her family sincerely apologize when they hurt her feelings and try to make amends with her was really helpful. I still have problems communicating, and blaming people is pointless now, but it feels good to look at how Bingo is treated and say to myself "I should have had that as a child, i deserved to be treated with patience and kindness. My feelings matter."
I can't even cry in front of people tbh. My dad would always accuse me of being manipulative when I'd cry out of frustration.
That doesn't feel good, when you literally can't help but cry and someone tells you you're only doing it to make them feel bad. Like maybe I'm crying because *I* feel bad and it's not about you and how you feel.
Oh I hate crying in front of people. I was accused of fake tears and manipulation before. Even before that I didn't want to cry publically, but the accusation left me feeling even more wretched. I was overwhelmed and they added confusion and more to the cascade of emotions and stress I had inside.
If I cried my father would yell....."shut up, stop crying or I will give you something to cry about " and if I cried when he beat me I was beat more.
I hate crying in front of people too and some people hate that I don’t like being touched bc the minute someone hugs me I’ll break down. I usually just put a smile on face and wipe any tears that are about to form. Why I cried when I was younger. Nobody felt bad for me or wanted to help me. I got told to grow up, suck it up, and get over it.
My dad treated me like this too. Now when my husband cries in our arguments i say the same thing, even if im crying already.
I just dont trust anyone who cries because the irony is is my dad used "sadness" as a way to manipulate me...
Like "im dying and you would say that to me?" "Youre breaking my heart over something i said 5 years ago" or shit like that. He always... just ....
I remember my school councillor used to say I was crying to manipulate my mother when in reality I was crying and obviously that’s my mum, she gives me comfort + I had a hard time holding back tears. I purely think she took sides with my abusive father because 1. She was also a first gen immigrant(so similar cultural ideals. And 2. Some people like purposely making someone’s home life worse.
Growing up undiagnosed autistic and adhd it wasn't just parents, it was literally everyone. I literally just threw in the towel with trying at school because no matter how much I tried to tell them I WAS trying, they just wanted to yell at me.
Continued on into adulthood too, but now I have my diagnosis I can't tell you what a relief it is to know I can describe it to another autistic person and have them enthusiastically agree with my experience
This has so many things that describe my behavior…that I hate, so I isolate.
Same. I painfully lonely, I like the idea of having friends, but being around people just feels so uncomfortable.
I hear you ❣
I'm a teacher now and it still surprises me that these kids listen to me.
As a former kid/student, the teachers we most liked were the ones who liked to talk with us and listen to us and casually show that they wanted the best for the students, whereas the least liked were those who just got in class, gave their lecture and didn't care about us. I heard about a recent study where kids rated how good their teachers are and why, and the biggest thing the highest rated teachers had in common was their compassion. Maybe your childhood of not being listened to made you want to make sure nobody else felt that way, which has made you respected and likeable as a teacher :)
@@zomepeople1315
For me, the best teachers were those who gave good grades...
Please be careful with those kids. Recognize the huge privilege and influence you have. Some of my teachers were bullies, very insensitive and hurt me so much. They seemed to care more about the students liking them/thinking they were cool than helping to create good, educated people.
As a teacher, I feel this very deeply as well. It's so healing to see, and I try to return the favor as much as possible. Especially since it's a second language class. Give them as much time as I can give to let them put their words together.
Everything you said was so spot on. When I talk, I am loud and overly emphatic, and I drone on and on about my symptoms when I am sick. When I am down with the flu or cold, I am certain no one believes me. I exhaust myself.
Glad you are here! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm in my 60's and this is the first time someone has explained exactly how I feel, think, and react in certain situations. It explains so much... Thank you!
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for your TH-cam channel and your ability to convey and talk about childhood trauma.
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Hey, your hair looks fabulous! This wavy style is so flattering on you. Thumbs up.
Before watching this I knew I wasn't listened to as a child, and the symptoms in adulthood explain a lot.