Things narcissists do to DESTROY your confidence
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Narcissists try to destroy people out of jealousy, because they know deep down inside that YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM!
So true in my case
It is true 😂 they hate being authentic, that is why. Someone authentic reminds them of their inferiority.
😂😂😂😂 Yes!!! I could see the insecurity in him All the time; he hated the fact that I have a master's degree, speak 3 languages, etc.
( I Never lauded it over his head, never put him down for not having those things...)
But. I could see it in him, how much he envied Me. 😂😂
😂😂😂
why y'alls discussing my ex😂😂😂😂
The worst part is losing yourself in the toxic relationship
Yeah it really is 😢
I was told I couldn't even get out of bed. That I couldn't cook dinner, that I couldn't even take care of my man in a sexual way, that I couldn't keep the house clean, that i couldn't even go out to the store, or go have lunch with him, that i was to lazy, mind you i had 2 back surgeries and a medical implant in me so yes things were more difficult for me to achieve, and when i had my surgeries it was such a terrible sad experience because he was so rude to me and i cried so much it was terrible and actually made me so depressed 😔 I'm just about 3 months out and kept my no contact for 1 full month.. When I feel like I might wanna reach out to him I automatically get on TH-cam and watch you Dr RAMANI, you have helped me so much and I'm so blessed and grateful for you and all your videos.. You truly are my HERO..
I came after my golden child sister and my parents gave me the initials ASS !! I'll never know it was intentional but I definitely underachieved at school.
Away from their influence I achieved a degree and a masters. My narcissistic mother didn't like me "showing off" by stating that I was the only one in the family that got the degree and masters. It was so telling that she couldn't find it in herself to be proud of me.
I AM proud of me!
You broke the narrative your mother prepared for you. Congratulations 🎉
I was older, but I turned out to be the whistle blower. So I lost my golden child status to my younger sister.
I didn't receive any encouragement or support for academic success. I barely received enough bus fare to school and college. I never had more than 6 outfits and 3 panties. I had to use my mother's old sandals after puberty. I had housekeeping role assigned when my sister was born. She got every luxury parents could afford. But after a time, even she was scapegoated. We are both ' no contact ' with parents for some years now.
Maybe you are the "Absolutely Stunning Sister/Sibling"!!! 😂 Rock it!!!
I got away from my mother and I became a lot happier.
Well, jokes on them. There's not a man alive that doesn't love ASS. Well done on the achievements too
They are insecure AF!!! One thing they certainly don't lack is THE AUDACITY 😂
Exactly, the audacity and apart from that dumb audacity they lack everything to be a human. They lack the very core traits for being humans.
This is why I no longer tell anyone what I am doing and I just do it. If they find out afterward, there's little they can do about it at that point. If they never find out about it, that's fine too! I had to learn not to seek validation from these people. I am just me doing me.
Very smart!! And humble too. ❤
@@FiatVoluntasTua888 Thanks! Yeah, it's all we can do so we don't forget WHAT we can do.
I decided not to tell my narc parent about going on a vacation last week. Why? Because I finally saw the pattern of cutting down my fun plans, outright crapping on the plans, giving unsolicited advice/feedback, or dry begging.
@@Thatpersonanon absolutely! Sometimes less is more. I don’t tell anybody anything.
I've found that when a narcissist finds out you are quietly doing things they did not approve of, the retributions are almost unbearable.
Tough luck for them! They use a double standard. You lose no matter what. It's grossly on-sided, in their favor; they're not worth yours or my time!
Narcissists crucified Jesus Christ
I was ignored and invalidated over and over. Information that was told in belief that it would help situations was used against me. Words were twisted against me and was told instead what they thought and wanted. I was also made to feel incompetent and crazy. The subtle and constant gaslighting was real.😔
My dad would give me tasks to do as a kid but sabotage them like cutting the lawn but breaking the mower so it went wrong then he could criticise..he was a sick mf
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that. It’s horrible to be torn down like that, when all you want is to be seen and heard but the only thing they care to do with the info is keep it in their back pocket to use against you at their next convenience.
I hope you’re able to get away from the manipulators in your life and find the safety and support you have always deserved. 💛
YES!!! I know this experience intimately.
Thanks to Dr. Ramani has saved us locked in a narcissistic relationship.
56 years of biting my tongue and believing I am unable to survive the latest betrayal.
There's also a weird reverse version of this. I saw my dad do it to my son: it's when you need specific knowledge or experience and the narc expects you to be capable without it.
My dad set out the tools and jack to change a tire and then walked away and expected a child to know how to change a tire with no experience. It makes you feel incompetent, like it's a personal failure instead of a simple (normal) lack of experience or a devious plot to make you FEEL incompetent.
Thanks for bringing up that point. My ex does the same to our son, he says in a loud strong tone you better learn how to read, you better learn how to tie your shoes etc. Like he was born knowing how to do or learn things. He criticizes our son for his neglect as a parent.
Dr.ramani,this morning on a terrace in the sun I read the first two pages of its not you .itmade me cry (I’m a 72 year old man)love you!
❤
The book is incredible!! I am so grateful for it!
As Arthur I wish you nothing but the best and how lucky you are to be watching the Sun ☀️ on the terrace
❤
I operated an LLC for five years. All I heard was, "Do you even have any employees? Then it's not a business." That constant crap eventually made me feel like I wasn't good enough alone, and so I hooked up with what turned out to be...a raging narcissist!! Got loose of that, worked in corporate America for a spell, and now hope to resurrect my biz. So much time lost. But lessons solidified!
Rooting for you as you relearn to trust yourself and share your unique insight and gifts with others! I'm glad you resurrected your LLC - I bet it will feel like coming back to life in many ways!
1:23 due to my health declining I was very easily manipulated by both my husband at the time and his mother. They had me convinced I was too disabled to be a good mom on my own without their help. It was a learned helplessness that I had to unlearn after my divorce. I'm still disabled, but I'm a lot more capable than they convinced me I was.
Yup, I’m constantly told I’m incompetent. It’s like he always has a backhanded compliment to say.
HA! Incompetent was his favorite word.
You're so right that it is a grooming process. It was so confusing to me because I have an IQ in the Mensa range, did very well in school, and was good at many things. AND he said it was these things he was attracted to! I was so persistent in pushing back and providing evidence that I was, in fact, a competent human being, but it never worked. And when I wouldn't accept that I was "incompetent" it would degenerate to calling me irresponsible and then delusional. After nearly 20 years of that, I fell apart and eventually left. But it was devastating. Even now, 25 years after leaving, I still sometimes feel the need to prove my competence to other people. Your videos have helped SO MUCH in my recovery. I finally understand what happened. Happy ending: Married 17 years to a true partner who supports and encourages me.
Before the relationship -I paid the bills, do tasks, free time, work and studying on a timely manner and with confidence. throughout the relationship, I felt as though I was getting pulled away from my own regimen feeling less and less confident with knowing in the back of my mind how to do my own personal tasks. I felt like I lost my independence. The more time that passed , I felt I became weaker and weaker because I felt like I needed the opinion to make the right choice regardless of what choice it was.
Sometimes I wake up and tell her I'm sick and immediately she'll say I know I'm sick too. Constant mirroring to dismiss me my pain becomes her pain...
Me too :(
He never said the actual words 'you can't do this' but always corrected me or took over or gave me instructions like a child so i eventually felt like i couldn't do anything right.
This is the only space I can go to feel what really happened. You understand and name the abuse. It’s so validating after a lifetime of not knowing what it was, blaming myself, being labeled the problem, and wanting to wearily give up. Thank you. 🙏
my stepbrother killed himself during the lockdowns. he was suffering for decades with depression but during this time, he had no access to professional help. told my "friend" and she asked...you didn't grow up in the same house, right? i said no and she said...so anyway, i had lunch with the girls today. same person cut down my 9 bark tree branches so she could see the pool more clearly...instead of moving her chair. she cancelled a bday party because two days before i didn't answer the door when she knocked. i was sleeping. i could go on. another word for narc is as sh ole.
I'm sorry you lost your brother and had to deal with such insensitive behavior.
My parents used to always tell me I had "book smarts but no common sense." This generally happened if I asked a "silly" question, or made a mistake with a "basic task."
Now I know how ridiculous this was. I was largely left on my own to parent myself, along with helping friends with absent parents get through difficult times - eating disorders, suicide attempts, abuse...
I've come to realize that despite my many skills, my parents gaslighting led me to grow up believing I'm an incompetent idiot hiding behind a university degree. Cue imposter syndrome.
I wanted to renovate an old building into a home. Hubs said i cant.
Ha, i was the designer, contractor and did a bunch of the work myself. I got the permits, i hung wood ceilings and so much more. Boom, take that! Turned out gorgeous!
I was an All Star Little Leaguer who thought my Histrionic Grandpa would be excited to hear I wanted to play College Baseball. He laughed at me and said I better be thinking about what job I was going to get…I was 15
My mother used to call me the pompous ass that knew nothing. I was reminded daily by my mother, "Don't ever think you will be smarter than me!"
Yep, my mother went to a vocational school when she was in her 40s to learn “Travel and Tourism” and earned a Certificate in six weeks. She told everyone that she was the first one in the family to earn a college degree. I went to business school and earned my degree without any financial or moral support from her. She didn’t even come to my graduation ceremony only showing up afterwards.
I'm so happy to have found you and your work. You are an inspiration to so many. I'm currently going through one of the ugliest divorces in human history, and your teachings, backed with my own self care routine, and enforcement of boundaries have really helped me stay strong for my kids. Thank you.
Dr.Ramani 2 yrs ago a beautiful lady confided in me how she was being treated by her narc.I gave her your videos,she stay too long and drop dead 3 weeks ago fm HBP.if ur anger is repressed cortisol levels overload ur body fm z abuse.the narc is business as usual.she abt 30yrs.quiet well spoken decent.I grieve her passing.ur body keeps the score of abuses.he kill her spirit mind and body but she refused to leave him.
If you reading this is your sign to follow ur dreams❤ RUN for the hills
You know them all so well. It amazes me how you nail the description of their personality so well. It’s so enlightening listening to someone who hears our voices and cry for help. You get it. Thanks Dr. Ramani your work is needed for so many. Lots of people don’t get it and you don’t want to spew your past experiences cause you don’t want to seem derogatory or negative. Like the narc. So you just keep quiet and smile at life. 😊 you are appreciated 👍🏽😊
They say you can do it all, and abruptly take it back, and back handed praise.
Dr Ramani WOW I tip my hat. You have our respect for helping people cope with these issues.
Im in bed right now because my anxiety & depression is so bad that i can barely function. He's literally stripped everything from me so its impossible for me to even leave. I have nothing & no one. I have $70 in my wallet & my dogs. I dont even have a car in my name & we arent married. Im a crumbled shell of who i was. I wish i could share pictures on here so you could see the difference. I just dont have the strength to fight anymore. He has stripped away everything, bit by bit & i didnt even realize it was happening until it was too late...... Maybe i did realize it at some point but i refused to see it. Idk what to do anymore & im exhausted.
How wonderful that you are in the the world trying to help people find root confidence in themselves. Carry on with your work. My thoughts are with you 🎉
You describe my life living, day by day, with the narcissist that I was married to. I was tired of his mantra “you can’t, we can’t, I can’t, I’m not, you’re not, we’re not”!
I wish I was told directly that I was incompetent.
Whenever I explained about something new I was doing or 'going for' my Dad would just run around the house slamming doors and sulk in his bedroom. I got the message - I don't believe in you.
I received an email from my brothers second wife that just gaslight the hell out of me. So I told her it's all white noise, I don't care what she thinks and I'l say whatever I like to my own brother. Years of watching videos like this pay off. Any rubbish like that; I don't argue, i just shut it down. What is it the Royal family say.... "never complain, never explain" Thanks Dr. Ramani. Keep up the good work! 🙂
This is such a lifeline for so many of us whose light has been snuffed out from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse……it’s awful to be beaten down, realizing we (I) have spent the last 30 yrs of cooperating in my own oppression. I don’t know how to forgive myself for sublimating the many gifts God has given me.😢🥺😔
Just bc my mother is unable to do something, she will make it a point to let me know that I will NOT be able to do it, without giving me a chance to try. Even small things like opening a jar. She will say, "Oh, that's too hard, I will get somebody else who CAN open it." Without allowing me to even try. Then when others are around she will exclaim, " Well, he couldn't even open a jar this morning, so I just don't ask him to do stuff like that for me." It really has taken a toll on me lately, only bc I am noticing the gaslighting and other things, and when I do notice the negative attacks, I quietly walk away, BUT when I don't react and then walk away, I am either followed or am attacked with, "What's wrong with you, you ALWAYS take things so personal, so much that I can't even talk to you!" It really is CRAZY-MAKING!!! I hate it, but most of the time I just shut down completely!
Damn, that's a top manipulator you're dealing with
My mother... everything good I tell her , she says it will go horribly wrong. I told her it made me wish I was dead and she denied I felt like that and on another occasion played the victim ( "how do you think I feel knowing I made my daughter 's life miserable!" Happy, or you would have stopped)....Everything bad is my own fault and she defends the person who attacked me even if she doesn't know them.If I tell her nothing ,I am " secretive". No matter what I do I will suffer for it. Never does she ask herself why I dont tell her things.
I think the worst gaslighting I witnessed was a Scotsman blowing his pipes in the house to drive her out. Her was a high school Calculus teacher who built her own computer. He always succeeded .
Thank you so much for highlighting this. It’s soul destroying.
I know I’ve achieved many things despite adversity but my parents would diminish that hard earned pride in seconds with words like you’ve mentioned. The cut off point for me was being told I wouldn’t have tinfoil in my house ( I was chatting about a fun recipe for Christmas) but my father talked about me like I wasn’t sitting right next to him. ‘Sam doesn’t have stuff like that in her house.’ I laughed, shrugged it off, went home then cried. Over tinfoil? Yes.
I have a BA in business and two years after graduating, I started my own business that is still running for nearly a decade. It took a lot. My son was diagnosed with asd at the time and we were both going to school , as it were, at the same time.
I took some time to think about all our time together and could write down a silly amount of criticism, with a few well done you’s. I’ll always be the scapegoat so I’ve removed myself to allow my father and some family members to figure it out or not. Growth is on me. Thanks again for being a total rock in my down days, Dr Ramani. Light and love to you
I have a bachelors in business and run my own company but that isn’t seen.
In the last year of the 'relationship' with the narc, 2 people we kew well came for dinner. She was treated for cancer and the cancer came back. I asked her questions about further treatment or not, about death and dying. I spoke to her about my perspective of death and dying. And all the time the n-person was quiet, to my amazement. After they left that evening he said to me: "Wow, when you speak, people are still and listen to what you say. Your words land in them". For me, that was a big inner victory. I did not call him out like: "You always interrupt me, you do not listen, etc". I cherish that experience, because I know I can listen from the heart and speak from the heart. And when I do, people listen.
Currently experiencing this. I keep asking and thinking what did I do wrong?
I could be here all day with things I have been told all my life. The one that sticks out the most is "You don't know what you're talking about" or its cousin "I never said that. Where is this coming from? I don't understand. You have a lot of pent up rage, huh?" (The context is that they had said mean things and were feigning ignorance.) Being told you don't know what you're talking about by those who brag to others about how smart/educated you are when speaking on a subject on which they have very little knowledge of, that you have researched to the point it is practically a job is the most... 😵💫 crazy feeling I have encountered yet. It is worse, I feel, than the "Oh, that's just your bad memory. You left X there. I know you did." At least in this instance, there was a witness who saw the accuser doing the thing they has accused me of. I am grateful to them because after 5 minutes of this back and forth, I was starting to question if I really had done the thing and was wrong. And there was no apology after. Not even an acknowledgment. I wish I had found Dr. Ramani back then. She would have helped save my mental health. But I am thankful for having found her. ❤
Horror and disbelief upon realising all the solid ground of your path has been dismantled piece by piece until everywhere is quicksand. Feeling frozen by fear.
We don't *always* believe that they are wrong and the gaslighter is right. I managed to survive my mother's gaslighting for 15 years.
I have seen every single little thing a narcissist will do many times over again and I believe I know what can possibly heal or bring what we call a narcissist back to the person they are supposed to be
I just realized that not only does some of this sound like my dad and 2 ex boyfriends… but also a grandmother!
Dr. Ramani’s explanations are golden. The gaslighting that i experienced was way more subtle than these examples. And that’s kinds scary.
I do not share anything that I have or do with my narcissistic mother....for it comes back to bite me...but I am the narcissist for believing she is one...I validate her daily on how smart she is...trying to do the right thing can be hard task....
Ditching a narcissistic "friend " was extremely liberating. After 18 months I see her as a sad and lonely woman who is not being her authentic self whilst trying to create new friendships. Yick!
My narcissist is constantly telling me how to do things properly. Today he showed me how to properly park my car in front of the house. . I no longer take on projects I'll try to do anything when he's around because he's going to show me how to do it properly. Obviously in the 66 years that I've been on this earth I haven't learned to do a damn thing.
Half the battle is knowing what you know now.
“Step up to the plate!” While they are yelling, crying, & emotionally not regulating their emotions.
I say, “I’m not responsible for regulating your emotions but I am here with you”.
Yep the narc did tell me I was incompetent-when she was actually the one who didn't know what she was doing!
Yes! Never mind the cheating. The most damaging thing he did was silence me.
Absolutely amazing perspective on how to safeguard one's sanity when targeted by abnormal behaviours.
My Father and my Step Father both told me I could never do anything. Would never achieve anything. I'm now 51 and my circumstances have changed considerably. I have achieved many good things. I am mortgage and debt free. But I still hear from both of their criticisms and judgements in my mind. I don't feel like I deserve anything I have, including the attention of my peers, and I am still doubting my ability to fit in. It is a daily process to lift myself and continue to prove them wrong. Which I know is ridiculous. Especially seeing as one of them has now died and I have not seen the other for almost 20 years.
My narc was a friend. I realized she was narcissistic when we were talking about earnings (we are in different businesses) and I excitedly told her I’d broken thru a certain level. She made a face and immediately told me she’d made a LOT more.
But she’d admitted a few weeks earlier that she’d made around what I did.
I slowed down communication immediately and just didn’t tell her as much.
Every time I did tell her about things that were going on, she was always finding something to put down. :/
It came to a head last year when she kept asking me to rent the space next door to hers - so she could put equipment in my space.
When I said no, I was discarded.
Took that as a WIN.
6 months later, here came the flying monkeys trying to bait me back in. I gave them the 411 and blocked.
Hopefully they’re all done.
For me it always was the Question "Are you sure?" in a tone which meant "I don't think you can do it but see for yourself and fail".
I had this with my mother mostly - she would always encourage us to do what we loved/wanted but if that meant moving away or leaving it was always "Are you sure??"
I still hear this in my head with every decision I make 😬
I always have heard that she doesn’t trusted on me, it hurts me. I have spent lot time try convinced her otherwise, and the discussion escalated, in the end of day, I always felt so bad and guilty! My self esteem and confidence was devastated during just one year, I lost control of my identity, it was totally my responsibility because I became emotional codependent! I started to talk alone on the streets, because I have no one to talk what I have been through, I was scared to talk about my situations with others I though that we would find the solution between us! One day, I just put my books in my luggage and bought the tickets and came back to my country! It was 20 days ago, I didn’t healing at all, I have been crying everyday trying to find a way that I should do different! It so traumatic! I wanna say thank you Doctor Ramani you open my eyes and have answered a lot questions! I hope that someone who’s through this situation find their way and peace as soon as possible!
Peace!
When they know they've done something wrong and deflect by telling you a down-on-their-luck story about someone else
Mine would stay quiet and act like nothing ever happened.
My old lady neighbor DESTROYED ME… I now have tremors so bad , if I hear a slam, loud noise or get nervous for ANY reason … it takes hours to calm down… I never knew another human could destroy your nervous system so bad. I stumble , shake & can’t even talk to people in a normal fashion anymore…we had a shared porch & laundry, so she MADE SURE EVERY MOMENT TO HARRASS & follow me around my yard & neighborhood …she scared the absolute sht out of me … now i am the wierdo… lady ambushed me day 1 to gaslight…
The first 10 minutes of this video describes the first 50 years of my life. The Narcissists in my life became so good at it, and me so conditioned they didn't even have to say it directly to effect it. Subtle comments, I worry about you it's dangerous. Silent treatment when you don't oblige. This is why I find myself today at 53 traveling solo with horse and dog across the Southwest.😊😊 and I find it so empowering to learn what I'm truly capable of.
When I met my ex-narc, I ran a very successful business and was widely respected in my community as an expert in my field. He immediately used insulting me and telling me I was a “fraud”, didn’t really know what I was doing, to disempower me and put me under his control.
3:26 😮😮😢😢omg things i thought i knew and still more to learn- cringing 4:26 at the resonating play by play, thank you doc, you are an angel
When they blame you, and after many years of them mistreating, gaslighting, controlling, etc., you, and the relationship ends, finally... Then you speak out and tell how come you got into such a difficult place, with maybe a messy, messed-up life, you are in ruins or have little going for yourself, especially where deep coercive control is involved, it then makes *you* look like the narcissist! You are the one explaining why you never had the opportunities to better yourself because of your restricted past, especially if you are more senior in years by the time the relationship was over.
It's good advice to quietly do things for yourself, but the very nature of a controlling relationship means that *they will know or find out* ... Some people just have or had nowhere to escape *to.*
But this video is good for those who are unaware of what they're being subjected to.
It's just so awful that its truth is correct... they do clip your wings, they do oppress your very being... you feel like you are safest if your soul (and yourself) just turn into stone, into just existing to try to get through it all, in hopes that one day they will get fed up with 'stone you' and leave for newer pastures green.
The most horrible part with that sort of narcissist, is if you have children together, and much as you try to give your children balance by standing your ground and not treating others that way too, defiant, so your children can see the balance and contrast between good behaviours and bad behaviours, when the children grow up, they have to decide for themselves which they want to be... The harm comes, IMO, is when they go the path of the narcissist, because *they* have learnt how to make gains without guilt or having to accept responsibility and blame for their actions and behaviours. They can turn that on you, just like the narcissist parent did to the non-narcissist parent.
I think that is where you mentioned once, *Flying Monkeys"*
You have to protect yourself, so when children reject you when they find something better than you (richer, less stressed from years of trauma, etc.,) that is maybe when you let them go... it's not that you stopped loving your own kids, it's just that you cannot carry on being subjected to that continuous damaging emotional hurt. And no, standing up for yourself 'cos they're your kids often won't work either, because then *you* become their demonic narcissistic parent.
Narcissists teach their children well for all of their formative years, how to get away with it all, guilt-free, and never look back... transferring responsibility is perhaps contagious!
It's painful, and the worst reciprocation for the love and care you always gave, without expectation.
They yell, bully, gasllight and insult you constantly. That's what my family does anyways.
And when you are the Family Scapegoat & theNarcissist does a Smear Campaign w/ Other Family… All that you turn to Will Reinforce that “YOU CAN’T DO THAT THING! Or, That Career!”
As the explanation was laid out… I was recalling My Different Dreams that I shared with a Select Few… That were Shot Down, by Family that I totally Believed Loved Me! I still Believe that They Lived Me…They just Didn’t Really Know me… Believing the Smear Campaign!🕊
Just yesterday, right before im at work, he felt the need to belittle and negate me. Telling me i do nothing (before i go work all night), but ok....
He tells me i dont clean the dishes good enough so he will do it, take too long, and too messy when cooking, so he wants to do it. Then turns around and says You dont clean, you dont cook!" 😮😵💫😵💫🥴😱🥵
I’ve gotten a lot of “You think you know everything” when I assert that I am competent enough to do things
That repetitive record that plays.
I've heard this SINCE I WAS A CHILD!!!!!!!
I wish I could speak on it. Went into psych as undergrad to do better for myself and family... kept ending up in abusive relationships... therapy all my life and still. Dr. Romani the 1st time i watched a video I knrw what was up. I've had therapist tell me to smile more, try harder, and just stay. I feel honestly that some of these therapist gaslit ne, knowing what i know about domestic violence and the state law.
The last time a therapist told me to take notes I knew no one was going to believe me.
I am so frustrated! I am disabled and can't get to my doctors the anxiety is so BAD!
When my mother found out I was doing a music degree, her response:"Why are you wasting your time, you know you are too scared to perform". I have worked for a Boss for 24 years, and even though my integrity has never been in question, he constantly insinuates that I lack integrity and the difficilt Director and Auditors are watching me, and my position is in the balance....and these attacks usually become intensive when I am sick and recovering from blood transfusions.
Your videos are very helpful! A narcissist and I were friends (?), but I distanced myself from the person (rages, lies, manipulation, control, arrogance, even mirroring something in my life). It got so weird.
It causes terrible imposter syndrome
Hi Dr! Yes, happened to me (gaslighted with You can't do this nor that etc etc) also they delivered it with words, tone, and mood wrapped in pessimism and hate. Sometimes its hard to assimilate and accept reality because of our fears, insecurities.
Oh my goodness! Thank you Dr. Ramani. I just had this conversation with my psychologist today. My mother would say “ You can’t drive there by yourself.” Are you crazy driving to that town.” “ Your company doesn’t pay you enough.” My mother never worked a day in her life she had no clue what I should be paid. I spent time with my mom again in the late 90’s and she eroded my confidence again!! You nailed the narcs behavior Dr. Ramani. Thankfully, I am finally dealing with all that I thought I couldn’t doI have done. I have had a lucrative career for the last 40 years, sober since 1988, raised my son alone, helped him through a mental illness, wrote a book, and have travelled all over the world. I am a child of God created by Him and only Him. Thank you for the validation. ❤
Yes, they will steal your time. They will say things like you can cancel your plans they aren't as important as what they need you to do. Very needy, controling.
My husband pays all the bills and complains that he has to take care of everything. I have asked several times to let me help by paying some of those bills to take some pressure off from him. His response to that is always that he “can’t trust me to pay the bills on time, “ because I’m so irresponsible. This couldn’t be further from the truth!
If I had as much a GOOD DAY, I was completely dismantled!!!
This is a daily (sometimes more) occurrence when living with a vulnerable narcissist.
Most people say to me I Am Less Than Others I should learn from others blah blah. But If I Am Not Doing Anything wrong I Believe in Me
Could you talk of how Misogyny/Patriarchy causes narcissism and psychopathy
I’d have to disagree. Toxic masculinity as well as femininity are both to blame and men and women can be/are narcissists. From my perspective I’ve seen more female narcs than male. Males have been feminised by our modern culture. Women are at the helm when it comes to narcissism, in my experience and thus opinion.
@@Mazey1984_disagree with everything you said,,,patriarchy and Misogyny is the cause of many mental illnesses since men don't view women as equal that is the true foundation of a narcissist and most males have this mentality where they think they are better than women ,and female narcs exists only as a symptom effect of the intense abuse caused by Misogyny and patriarchy which is caused by males,,so it's accurate to say its a male specific disorder and the origin of where it comes from.
@@Mazey1984_ disagree with everything you said,,,patriarchy and Misogyny is the cause of many mental illnesses since men don't view women as equal that is the true foundation of a narcissist and most males have this mentality where they think they are better than women ,and female narcs exists only as a symptom effect of the intense abuse caused by Misogyny and patriarchy which is caused by males,,so it's accurate to say its a male specific disorder and the origin of where it comes from.
@@Mazey1984_ yes it does it contributes alot to mental illnesses,,when men say stuff like women are "inferior",women are less,,they degrade and insult us ,,they refuse to.listen to us they gaslight us and triangulate women alot all that behaviour is classic narcissism/psychopathy
@@Mazey1984_ yes it does it contributes alot to mental illnesses,,when men say stuff like women are "inferior",women are less,,they degrade and insult us ,,they refuse to.listen to us they gaslight us and triangulate women alot all that behaviour is classic narcissism/psychopathy,,women experiencing narcissism is a result of being target of Misogynistic abuse
I have a narcissistic neighbour who has recently gone from friendly to hostile. I had been politely complaining about an invasive plant that was running rampant in my neighbourhood. She didn't care because she just has a small paved yard, whereas I have a very large garden. I have to remove this plant regularly as it spreads in the air and underground and spreads from my neighbour's garden. If it gets into a border, there's no chance of eradicating it. I have had to bag up half a tonne of soil recently. My garden is important to me as I need it as a therapeutic haven and I also want to become self-sufficient, growing my own produce. She kept dismissing my concerns, plus convincing other neighbours to ignore my concerns (which caused a minor fallout between them). She said one day "Can't you just enjoy them?!" and "What does it matter?!". No amount of explaining the issues - invasive/poisonous/choke out other plants/spread from garden to garden/killing off native bluebells/etc, made any difference: she can't empathise. She eventually flipped out on the pavement, screaming at me that I'm 'obsessed', that there are far more important things going on in the world and then yelled at my 18yr old daughter that I 'have mental problems'. This was very upsetting for me as I have been a friend to her. I knew she had a reputation for being a backstabber and had heard her say negative things about all our neighbours, but thought we got on as we had a few things in common. In short, I turned a blind eye to these unkind comments about others and actually pitied her for being like that. However, I was suddenly her target. I would have just ignored her forever and kept out of her way, but yesterday she approached my daughter and repeated her comments. It's clear she's going to triangulate the entire neighbourhood into hating me. An idea came to me that might make her think: park outside her house. She lives in a small almhouse a few doors up from me and parks her red car outside it. This parking space is a public space (we have laybys outside our houses) so anyone can park in 'her' space. But she apparently shouts at anyone who parks in this space! I have spaces outside my house but wouldn't dream of telling anyone off if they parked in them. I have always avoided 'her' space, knowing it was important to her to have it and just respected her needs and priorities. However, she clearly does not respect my needs or priorities. My idea, which I suspect will make the whole neighbourhood chuckle, is to park my old MG sportscar on her parking space and leave it there with a FOR SALE sign in the front window (it is for sale). I can then wait for the inetivable - her banging on my door demanding I move it. I will then say to her "Can't you just enjoy it? You seem obsessed. You have mental problems." This is what I would like to do if I had the courage. Do you think I should do it or should I just do nothing?
Try it out. Nothing to lose.😅
Tremendously grateful for you and your work always, Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
MY OLD NARC RELATIONSHIP COMPLETELY MY SELF NEVER ALLOW AFTER NOTICE; 'SELF TRUSTING, HARD TRUTHS.' AND INTERSECTIONIZE
NOTICE MEANS PLEASE.
I had played the piano since I was 10, and i knew that my husband played the flute. I asked him once in the early days of our marriage if we could play a duet together. He dai, "You are not goid enough."
I never played the piano again when he was in the house.
TY Dr Ramani❤️ When you said the part about them always clipping our wings I had to stop the video & take a minute. That's the exact phrase I've used for this abuse… it's very hard for me to hear this bc it's the absolute truth & as much as I've tried to just ignore it, I've noticed it's toll on me. God Bless You Dr Ramani💜
I got lot inspiration watching your videos
Thank you very much for making me understand my relationship with my spouse
I been married like 17 years and it was like a hell of a ride
I was in the state of confusion and trying to find reason in me what I did wrong and the reason for all the blaming is me
One clear factor is no empathy and blaming that is constant day to day I have to take
I had to continue just for
Kids sake
Many time I thought it was she is insane and crazy and that how she becomes when questioned or asked anything or she gets frustrated
Now with your videos I can relate how myself can be protected and make same thing to get out of it and escape from the blaming
My husband told me tonight " Your f up" after I confronted him.. I told him Do Not ever say it again! I stood up and I will tell you.. He will be alone.. they don't like being alone!!
They are experts in the beginning making you feel the greatest; thereby, increasing self esteem only later to find out it was fake. This then, along with all the crap they throw at you, gets one’s self esteem the lowest it can be. One extreme (fake one) to the other (real one.) So much damage that they do
I worked at a place in the early 2000s and I was gaslighted by a co-worker who treated me and my work as if I had no idea what i was doing. I enjoyed writing instructions. I have given people written instructions on how to get somewhere and been complimented on how well I wrote the directions. I have written step by step instructions on how to perform a task on the computer. I felt good about my writing, then I worked with "her. We were writing manual test cases for people who did not know the product. She would stare at at my test case instructions dumbfoundedly and then just bloody (criticize) everything I wrote. I incorporated every comment she made and she would bloody the test case again, I had to do each test case at least 3 times. She convinced the boss I could not write a test case. I was so confused by the situation, I got convinced that no one would like my writing. Now I have a hard time learning new skills, or improving the skills I have out of fear of getting a job I enjoy and then running into someone like her again.
I completely lost everything trying to be his version of impossible perfection. I was a ghost of my former self. Felt like a maid/housekeeper in my own home then he would tell me how much of a mess the house was "you do nothing" he would shout at me. Then when I would react he would ask me if I had taken my antidepressants that day. He told me that our almost 2 year old daughter was getting fat and that I need to go out more with her and that he does everything to afford a roof over my head and that I was ungrateful
He would tell his family that I had screws loose if I tried to talk to them. Glad to be rid of him but co-parenting with him is so hard.
Clipping people's wings......
I forgot my manners in my prev. comment. Thank you so much for dedicating your time to these videos for us all, Doctor Ramani. 🙏
And I hope those who have managed to get free from such life-changing awful relationships, do well in whatever ways they are able to. Even if it is simply being free to enjoy spending time in nature, without any worries that you have to go back to company that you can't escape from... yet!
I used to watch nature from indoors, through my windows... no one can steal that from any of us.
Stay strong!
My father used also name calling to devalued me and money to say I was a pain in the whatever because I needed money to food, education, etc
Thank you. Yes that's something that hit the hardest near the end of my time around the narcissist. Being told I couldn't do something I know for a fact I can do was just breathtaking
My narcissist says I have bad eyesight so bad , that I cannot drive., and should not work ., both of which I do LEGALLY. She uses it as a way to withhold my grandchild and be with her
I was constantly told that I didn't have brains enough to discuss our bills or anything else with me
My mom started shutting me down when i became a teenager. Instead of beaming with a smile and being social, I'd shrink like a violet because it wasn't worth being reprimanded or shamed again. Even something as simple as a store clerk saying "hello young lady" was too much and she'd cut me off before i could reply or smile
Dr. Ramani,
I would like to thank you very very much for all your TH-cam videos and the work you have put in to this to expose narcissism. Not 1 specific film, but all of them. I was so convinced after a 4 year relationship that I was the perpetrator that I could no longer think and did everything for my girlfriend.
Everything suffered. My children, my business, my friends but especially me. I thought I was going crazy and really was crazy.
Just because of all your films, and I mean really... all of your films made me slowly become myself again within the relationship and had the courage to defend myself because I knew what to expect. I was slowly but surely able to put myself back together brick by brick because I recognized things you said in the videos. I tested her and got exactly the responses you stated. That made me strong but not less sad. I thought she was really wonderful and beautiful, but I would rather move on alone than to feel like a stranger in mij own relationship in-spite of my commitment and dedication to her! I even wondered many time and even today that i mite be the narcissist.
All and all... the only thing I want to say is that if you made only 1 movie or 10 I might never have understood it and continually blamed it on my own failure.
Because you have made so many films and you constantly explain the same thing but in a different context, it really woke me up.
From day 1 when I not only woke up from it but also really realized what was happening, the sun really started to shine again after a long time. I feel the warmth again and the smells outside and the birds singing, as if I have come back to life after a heavy deep bad dream that started out so beautifully. Like Cinderella that has been kissed by his prince and wakes up.
You and all your films have awakened me within the relationship. That would not have been possible with only about 10 films, but the continuity of new explanations over and over again and seeing it in a different way pulled me through it like the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
Thanks again!!!!... for being there and keep going... I have nothing but respect for you and all those people in this situation. I hope that because of your good work, even more people can get their lives back on track.
Thank you! Thank you! And thank you!
yours sincerely!!
André
I couldn’t mop the floor right, load the dishwasher, or do the laundry correctly. It would be noon and I would have already received a dozen helpful hints on how I could do something correctly.
Granted he never did any household chores just like to supervise and tell me how I should be doing things correctly because he was trying to “help me”
If I got upset… he would clutch his pearls in shock! How dare I be upset at being “helped” or having “communication”
He would never physically help me in anyway. If I ask for help with something he would go out of his way to not help me to the point of abandonment and then lash out at me calling me “controlling”
What a helpfull video and it gives me a feeling of perspective in life listening this video. It is very difficult to turn the voices and feelings of being or acting like we're not enough off when it becomes a part of your identity or personality, especially that bad core feeling is sooo painful, the feeling of BEING not enough I mean, especially when there is (complex) trauma. I lost even abilities because people at school , friends and family (both narcissistic and not narcissistic people) said often before, i couldn't do things or cannot manage things. Or even I didn't learn things because other people said that before I wanted to do or learn things. Much later I found out I can do much much more than I thought, although I had to learn much things yet.
I always try to write down sentences or searching for slogans on the internet that I am good as I am as a person and other positive sensetences, or that I can take it slowly and easy.
What also helps me is to do things and practicing things if I doubt myself and write down what I did good and things or situations what went good/well enough. And if something is difficult or (yet) impossible for me to do, I always say to myself: I'm learning that, and all things can be learned, whatever people are thinking of me.
Try to turn negative thoughts about yourself positive, or at least make it neutral. Neutralizing negative thoughts is also a good way to break down negative feelings and thoughts, as a step between towards positive thinking about yourself or your abilities. We all as people have strong and weak parts in functioning and we all are different and unique, but you can learn things forever, and you will find out that you can do much more than you think, much more!❤👍It is also okay when things are well enough and be mild en peaceful to yourself when something you do goes not good in one time, give yourself time and love and especially joy and play with discovering and learning things, this will go better and better and you get more selfworth and more confidence, but you will see that you can do things okay already on many areas, despite people (and narcissists) said you could not. You can!
Ignoring when I lost weight, minimizing any achievement of mine, on my wedding day saying she is more beautiful than me, on the day of the birth of my son telling me I'm fat...and so on..until I decided I don't deserve this
My husband does this to me all the time. I try to have hobbies but guaranteed he will find fault in what I do and offer his own advise ways he would do it better. Even when I’m paying for a project he constantly argues with me. He constantly tells me how to drive even though I’m a very good driver. It can be maddening
hold up. ADHD-i here, diagnosed in 2nd grade. Our listening is interrupted by the 3rd or 4th sentence of continued speaking, that's why back-forth is so much better for us. We can yammer about our interests cuz the hyperfocus is activated, it's VERY EASY for us to stay on topics we enjoy, hence why we end up going in those fields (i became a professional artist myself.
Please don't chalk up to narcissism to what is truly annoying & hindering to live with. I wish I could keep attention past sentence 2, and you kinda pop back in & have to figure out where the conversation is. It's assumptions like that that make me avoid social interaction in the first place.