I just go back and read the "ick list" Dr. Ramani suggested I make... nostalgia vision cured!! Never will I be treated so horribly again, no matter the few good times that were sprinkled in!! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!!!
As empaths, many of us are optimistic and we tend to remember the good times, rather than the bad. Even if the good times were rare. Remember that those good times were merely a reflection of your own qualities and virtues. They mirrored back to you whatever they thought was going to get you to emotionally invest in them. They thrive off your reactions and devotion.
Do not deny the fact that they were some of the people that helped us live.... They may gave us bad news but it was to prepare us for a bad future... I lost my only friend who had a lot of anger but it was very justified because everything we spoke about everything we hated and despised was actually killing us... My friend was a lifesaver no matter how much anger and narcissism he had he was always willing to go out of his way to save someone else and often did on his expense... And as much as he wanted to get rid of people that were killing us he was more willing to save a life than ask somebody to take one.... And he never did ask somebody to take a life..
Yes this happens during the holidays when I get nostalgic for the projections I made on the narcs in my life. I say projections b/c I believed my own distortions about my family relationships. Wishing peace and wholeness to all. Thank you for all you do Dr. Ramani.
I've done this and I've had it done to me so I understand completely as do you.😢❤ May God continue to bless your life with truth and the comfort from his Holy Spirit and a piece that truly does pass all understanding. That's where I'm at right now
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
Thank you for this, especially during the holidays, nostalgia hits and hurts like no other. This video is excellent and much needed. I feel seen. Thanks again.
I fell for it. My best friend seen me suffering and he promoted her as my biggest need. I been looking forward for twenty years to false promises. Three part of me that knows what to do is hiding in the back of my mind😢. Thank for this video
This 💯 explains how I feel about some people right now . I feel nostalgic yet also that somethings not right and that they’re weren’t as good of a friend as I thought, and that they are not better then me. No longer self blaming. Focusing on the healthy safe peep and giving myself permission to be discerning. I am ok on my own. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It’s almost one year I broke up with my narcissistic ex-boyfriend after several weeks of watching your videos. I am really grateful for your videos which opened my eyes after 6 years. It still triggers me so much how they all use the same gaslighting and manipulation tactics. I just finished watching the last season of US ultimatum and the guy Scotty there is a complete narcissistic copy of my ex-boyfriend. I don’t understand how I didn’t realize how awful he was for over 6 years
I did this for a while, its like going into a fantasy world you wished it was. Now I sometimes do this when I attend events in unhealthy environments just to get through it. I quickly watch a video or something to take me out of the cognitive dissonance afterwards.
I was horribly nostalgic for the past including the narcs I had in my life, but I have outgrown that now. Now I'm horrified at the thought of seeing them again. Those narcs were so horrible to me that while I realize that there were some good moments, those good moments were fake, an image in a glass house, because I was gas-lighting myself, because I was enabling them and making excuses for them. I think that if I see those narcs, I will get PTSD. No, I don't feel nostalgic.
The horror of the way the last relationship ended keeps me from nostalgia. She was the only one (along with her mother) who were there when I was in the hospital when I was being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, nearly dying in the hospital (I walked out at 88 lbs and 5’6”). But I cannot let that open a door for her to stay in my life. She can NEVER come back.
So on point. It's true for me that once I went no contact with my mother and brother, other narc relationships became crystal clear to me. Only when I left those relationships my healing could begin. And boy oh boy, the past is a force to go up against in the healing process particularly this time of year! I wouldn't have it any other way than to face the hard and ugly truths of it all. Much love to you, Dr Ramani and everyone on their journey of healing. ❤❤❤
This has come at a uniquely, perfect time -vacationing with four childhood friends who I have many many fond memories The problem -2 of them extremely toxic -i’ve worked extremely hard to navigate many narcissistic relationships and have gotten so much stronger - I will have to navigate a four day trip with them….I’m working hard to get strong for this trip and appreciate this video so much to help put things in perspective
I watched a LOT of your videos a year or two back and they helped me immensely. A blog of yours way before your TH-cam presence was the first help you gave me! Now this one has hit home at exactly the right time. It took me 40 years to recognise my narcissistic older sister for what she was and is; in fact, it took comments from some of HER friends for me to actually click and the lightbulbs come on. I went cold turkey with blocking all communication ten years ago but it's always at Christmas time that the nostalgic memories bring on self doubt. Your video made me remember that it was during the holiday season that my sister was at her worst with her devious nastiness. THANK YOU for pulling me back from the edge once again ❤❤❤
I broke up from a malignant narc a yr ago, but I'm having dreams about my narc Ex! They say when narc can't come to you in the physical world they come into your dreams!These people are demonic. I'm happy in a new happy relationship!
" Do not say ' why were the former days better than these? ' for it is not of wisdom you ask this. " ( Ecclesiastes 7:10 ) You really helped me understand these words, written 3000 years ago! Thank you very, very much!
Thank you for the work you do... I'm grateful to you for opening my eyes to my marriage of 25 years, 27 of being together. I'm now seeing through a different lens. Everything you say speaks to me...Ive been in a lot of therapy over the last 6 months and listening to experts on narcissism. God has revealed everything to me...the affairs, lies, manipulations, abuse..I now have the strength & resolve to move forward and divorce him. I'm no longer waffling. Lean on God. HE'S got you!
_Namaste,_ Doctor Ramani! As Buddha Shakyamuni said, and I quote, *“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”* He was so right. It’s not so easy at times, but he was so right. I don’t like the past. We can’t change it; people who passed won’t come back. The people we love are hopefully in the future, so if we go back to the past, we are distancing ourselves from them. Hey, Doctor Ramani, the word _saudade_ (nostalgia) doesn’t exist in any other languages, just Portuguese. I just want you to know that word. Thanks again! 😊
The problem with nostalgia I noticed qith my very nostalgic covert an able mother, is it's how she remembers the past and my childhood. It's not how I felt or how things were for me, it how a he felt and how it was for her. Last year she wanted me to look through all the old photos together, whilst having no empathy for current life difficulties, nor my past hurts. I avoided it, I don't want to look through holiday photos where we are all smiling. It was simply 2 weeks out of 52 where they were happy because we were on vacation. Parenting isn't simply vacations and photos, it's being there for your child, nurturing them, seeing them and helping them grow straight. My father destroyed my favourite photo in any case, when I was just 5 because he was in one of his rages. But let's not talk about that as my mother would say.
Are you sure you are not reading my mind? This is exactly what I have been struggling with. As I had mentioned before, when my mother was a good mother, she was a very good mother. As time went on the good times faded and the bad times became more frequent. By the time she died going home to see her or even speaking to her on the phone became an exercise in torture. If you are familiar with the book or movie '"A Picture of Dorian Grey", it perfectly demonstrates her descent into evil. Near the end of her life she actually admitted she liked to fight. Despite all this, at 71 I still long for the "good days".
As I’ve learned about narcissism and how it has impacted my life (thanks, Dr. Ramani!), I have found my friends fit into one of three general categories. 1. General friends. These are people who were friends in a particular time and place, and we had fun and then moved on. Maybe we’re still in touch, or maybe not. Nice folks, good memories, and that’s that. This is by far the biggest group. 2. Narcissistic friends. These are people I wish I had never met. They were the ones who used me, and who, to one degree or another did to me the things this channel is all about, from highly malignant to just exploitative. 3. True friends. Not many of these, but they are the ones who I know I can count on no matter what. One of these guys literally saved my life. Now, if I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would write the names of group #2 on a list in red ink with the words “Avoid like Ebola”. Group #3 would be on a list in bright blue ink with the words “Do whatever you have to do to meet and befriend these guys”.
Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani, since today is my husband's birthday and I was debating if I should reach out with birthday wishes. I tossed all night fighting against myself, really trying to make my soul feel at peace about reaching out, but it feels horrible because I know he doesn't love me and has mistreated me every time I let him back in. I keep minimizing the love I should have for myself. If I reach out, it's erasing all my progress. I have to start the healing process over again. The struggle is real. I guess I just feel lonely after 3 decades in this abuse. I'm in the process of divorcing him.
@@Dedemorris7948 those feelings you have about the past come from words... But you allow yourself to think of it with those words based off of feelings... But at the end of the day those are just words based off the feelings you experienced after the experience... If you say to yourself those feelings come from those words you must realize that those are just words... And why should words alter anything about you unless it's for self-improvement... There's no reason to deny the truth.. the truth will set you free.
You get to rewrite your story--one where you're no longer accepting scraps of attention or affection but seeking relationships that truly honor and respect you.
Such a wise caring and discerning lady she is 💝. She is truly a gift from God. For all of us with her wise knowledge and council for us much appreciate her for her passion to help so many people who have suffered from narcissistic abut as a child. Oh so much trauma we’ve endured much love and respect for her 🥹🥰🤗🫶🏼
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this excellent advice. The 'nostalgic, distorted goggles' as you mentioned, had their place in time. However, we grow up and mature. I had certain comments that were very discouraging said to me from controlling narcissistic individuals that I do not want to have repeated. In fact, this is also true of current day comments from distortions that come from prolonged gaslighting and invalidating maneuvers unawares that are wrong.
Rumination is real. I’ve been riding on my mental carousel for years, but now I catch myself and redirect my thoughts out of the toxic past and back to the present moment and I think of people and things that bring me joy. It works with a bit of practice. Hugs from San Diego ✨🤗✨
Are you an over the road trucker.. Alone alot?? This happens to me, as soon as I actually catch myself, it takes a little minute, I talk to myself and say that's not where you are now... Moving on... I then think of something I love to do, or enjoy.. or place I've seen, or place I know I'll go one day. I ponder on heaven and how wonderful and unimaginable compared to here it will be, no limits., mean people and most of All.. Jesus!
Tent polls are posts in the ground not easily uprooted- they secure the tent into place for security, safety. Nostalgia is filled with tent poles that keep our stories held together.
So true, Dr. Ramani! I recently realized that I had nostalgia for a friend who used to be like a sister after supporting her through a crisis. I had then gone to great lengths (decades and continents) to earn her friendship, thinking she was so friendless and hyper-competitive because of childhood traumas she had confided to me. We met for coffee 15 years after she dumped me, and she was clearly avoidant and narcissistic. Being myself an empath with CPTS, well . . . I let go and forgave myself. Thank you for all you have taught me!
Last year I recognized that I was a codependent while examining the ways I interacted (more and more frequently) with a friend I've known for over 20 years. I've been on a path of healing, and your videos are cups of tea while I self-reflect. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
You always get us Dr Ramani. This video resonated a lot. You helped me find the answer to why I am still holding on to the relationship with my narc dad. It's more of the nostalgia and sense of belonging to a family plus the fear of losing other family members. Things are not black and white. You helped enforce one of the multiple truths in my life which is as a child I had some good memories with my dad like going to theme parks and trips but at the same time he is selfish, controlling, manipulative, psychologically immature, emotionally stunted and a toxic parent. Thank you for helping me navigate the complexities of narcissisitic relationships. As you say it may take a while for us to leave, but once we start to make ourselves ready which I am at now (more of fixing the financial side of things as well as the emotional aspect) there is no turning back.
I was, I'm not anymore, especially after being told I was a stupid bit@# more than a few times and seeing hatred and jealousy too, did it for me especially as it was coming from my backstabbing mother. No I can honestly say I don't want to see her anymore, I put up with it for 49 years, all while growing up and she never did anything for me without benefitting herself too. I can't honestly say I miss any of that and my kids are safer and happier too without her as well.
You nailed my life story, once again Dr Ramani! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I finally realized, I kept giving my old 7th grade BFF excuses for her toxic behavior just because we had a long friendship/acquaintance - behavior I would never tolerate from anyone else. You’ve helped me heal from 45 years of emotional turmoil, restored my sense of self and sanity. Wishing you and everyone a blessed and joyous holiday season. 🙏💗🎄🙌
I never felt nostalgic, if anything I only remember the horrible crap and barely remember when we actually got along and had fun. Then I think about how miserable he is living with his mommy and jobless, hustling women online to pay for his cigarettes alcohol and subscriptions for online gaming. When you get to witness karma at play, life is beautiful and there is zero nostalgia.
I was again seeking a therapist. Found one in a town nearby. As we talked she said she lived in a village I grew up in. She loved the place. I suddenly went back in time, the time before all the trauma began. Life was good as a little girl until it wasn't. I stayed with memories for a day. Then I felt uneasy. I didn't want to know she was living in that village. My instincts came to life telling me I have been here before with another therapist. There would be no real nostalgia. I saw the signs which made me uneasy. I happened to view this video yesterday and knew what I had to do. I texted I didn't think we would work well together. As a survivor, I know why. Others may have no clue.❤
I AM a great empath so some years after I had left him (I discarded him after 10 years together at year 2014!) I sometimes could felt nostalgic but not so much. Nowadays? No - not a bit. Even if he died last February 2023 I don't feel nostalgic. It is wath it was! A tragic and abusing relationship which luckily is over since many years ago. No good memories to bee nostalgic over cause it was all a fake fasad of his real personality and honestly I can say: He ruined every moment of joy or Birthdays, holidays and vaccation if he wasn't The Shining Star. And That's it! 🙏
Yes this is so needed for this time of year for me. It is my adult daughter that only revealed or I could see NPD three months ago. We didn’t know what it was until then or failed to see it.
Ive been nostalgic lately on Christmas with my ex narc last year. It was our first and last together and it was actually nice. He was his typical over the top trying to impress everyone, but I we got along and it was nice. Im 5 months out and feel lonely lately, holidays can be hard 😞
This lady, SINGLEHANDEDLY, changed my life for the better. That age-old question game: If you could have any number of well-known guests for dinner, who would they be? She tops that list now (having toppled Nina Simone, Meryl Streep, Miriam Makeba, Ingrid Jonker, Nelson Mandela, Dolly Parton...)
It's funny that when we look back we only focus on the brief moments of joy & affection. I used to procrastinate over why people did nasty & secretive things but eventually realised the answer didn't matter, it didn't change what they did or that a loving person wouldn't have done such things. I also knew if they ever answered it would be dishonest & made my fault. Not long ago I got in touch with my ex lovers, I was curious to see if they had changed & if the distance of time would simplify the dynamics, but in reality they were worse living pathetic miserable lives acting the same way. I didn't hide my disdain & made it clear I would not get in touch again. I had projected what I wanted to see, excusing their behaviour at the time, but they wanted to resume the same pattern.
You're so awesome, Doc. I being far from my ex-narc for one year, and a few days ago (i dont know why) saw some picture of her in social media. Biggest regreat :(. Thank you so much for your words of knowledge and helpfull.
All my memories are laced with memories of a whole lotta narcissists wreaking havoc ☝️ That has changed the texture of my memories 🤷♂️ I have to dig into the memories and find the bright spots and good people inside of the memory Whatever the memory is, I try to allow myself not to be bitter that most of these people weren’t even there Something akin to memories of ghosts I’m kinda sick of memories, really Not mad or bitter about old memories. Just empty holograms Professor Sam Vaknin talks about nothingness. I think that’s what I’ve managed to implement ‘Nothing’ is much better than the endless painful ruminations I had for 15 years That’s over with It’s time to create new memories For God’s sake, it’s about time
O god, this is so true. There are times when i remember those past times and sometimes i see my abusive ex mushed up in those memories but what i miss is that carefree youth, with time, the hatred definately fades but we should not forget those leeches treating us in such bad ways, disrespecting and gaslighting and sucking all the energy from us!
I’ll call what I have “cognitive nostalgia”. Yup. Made it up. A person might think that, because I’m cleaning all of my mother’s clutter out of her house, that I pick up each item, sit with it, remember when she bought it, how happy she was with it and how happy I was for her. I do think of those things. But, it isn’t in a heartfelt way. I, very much, wish it was 30 years ago, my parents were alive and, although they argued, there was some happiness in between. But it’s all gone. I do t even feel I can appreciate all of the things, that she once loved, but ultimately no longer cared about. I know I also live in a changed world where, I can’t get a nickel, for that which she once treasured. I’m looking more at how, no matter what it all seemed to mean, it means less than nothing now. I don’t even wonder for how long, she stopped loving me, decided to use me as she’d said, then started targeting me. Something I never considered I’d experience, just a decade ago. Maybe for me, nostalgia isn’t simply beautiful memories of what once was, but for that which ended well, on a tender, bitter, longing note and, clearly, it all ended in a nightmare and still isn’t done. I have nostalgia, for a better life, for all of us. Not just looking out of my own eyes, at my own life. I have nostalgia for when my mother hadn’t given up on life, instead of when she did everything, but burn it to the ground, for all of us. Maybe I shouldn’t call it nostalgia. Just disappointment.
Yes let go of a 60 year relationship we met at 5 years old. Wonderful memories! But she was always the leader and manipulator. I saw it in full on our last texting session. Still love her! Probably check in on her again or her daughter idk Beautiful and fun memories! And then some .
Been resenting that I can't revel in those happier slivers of holiday memories w/o those sour images of my own ex-GRINCH. Narcissists not only rob you of your present and future if you let them but of your past happiness when ignorance was bliss and you were being groomed and dressed like a Christmas ham! 😢 Enjoy and appreciate this channel much. Merry Christmas, Doc.
I just wish the narcissists would change their personalities if they truly wanted to; it is an important and amazing part of the journey to step outside of their comfort zone and burst their bubble. After all, how long will they live under the mountain? Life is beautiful.
It is unquestionably true that good things come back to you if you do good, and I have no shame in saying that. In order to defend and protect ourselves, we all possess a small amount of narcissist personality. However, that does imply that we ought to be taken for granted.
This is me right now. A month ago I was much more ready to go but slowly I think of better days yet most were 15-23 years ago. I know it is happening though and this video hits home. THX!
The more price you paid the less nostalgia. Some of us do not have dissonance because we deal with them without masks continuously and it almost costs us our sanity, if not our life. When you are part of the social façade there is dissonance, when you fall behind it, there is an obvious hell. I am nostalgic for the person I was, for the life I had, before the narcissistic clan decided that I was a danger for being a true teller and trying to protect my mother who was discarded in the illness. Nostalgia for those tyrant children playing with the lives of others, scammers and abusers, egocentric and unscrupulous?. None. If someone feels nostalgia it is towards a mask or character, real beings scare you. Try to celebrare the discard, the zero contact, the worst case scenario is that you are a target to destroy, a captive negative supply. That's the true hell in Earth!.
Spent a day in total nostalgia here on the lovely gulf coast of Florida 🏝️ on the nature coast where we sailed a Catalina 34’⛵️ I’m lucky that I survived & know now it was meant to show me the shadow side of my subconscious 😉 truth has a way of coming out through the most unexpected things… including narcissistic people who show us where our healing journey needs to take another path forward 💔❤️🩹♥️ healing is on the far side of narcissism
Do you have a video on how to specifically respond to a narcissistic parent with examples? I'm struggling with how to exactly handle it when she says stuff like "You never let me see my granddaughter" or ""the family" is so upset with how you are raising granddaughter" when its only her that is upset. She is really good at making you feel like you need to defend yourself.
I'm kind of the queen of a dramatic breakup though. I wish I didn't absolutely need to burn those bridges, but when I'm done, you're gettin' a strongly worded letter and a block. Honestly, I feel that's what works best for me and I'm happier for it.
Not at all. In fact, I notice at this time of year that I have feelings of anger and sadness. I am so blessed to be with a self reflective person now. Thank God Almighty I am out of that relationship.
I hear you. After a year I began dating again however I just keep ruminating on the ex narc. I feel nothing anymore and I feel numb. So hopefully I can get through the holidays without thinking too much about a life I thought I'd have since in reality it was all a fairytale anyway. 😢
I wrote this poem about feeling stuck due to nostalgia... LIMBO One foot forward, One stuck in the before. I try to march onward, New shores to explore. Subtle transition, Shedding my skin, Persistent proposition, My life to begin. Reluctance it lingers, Seductively slick. White knuckled fingers, Won’t loosen their grip. The past’s been revisited, For years I have stared. Became uninhibited, My soul I have bared. Nostalgia she whispers, Nothing new to say, But I’m weak to resist her, I let her have her way. Too used to suffering, It’s become my default. At signs of recovering, My body revolts. So, I replay the old tapes, Of faded out bygones, Recognisable shapes, Of days that have dawned. Absent in the present, Desperate for a new way. To the past acquiescent, In limbo I stay
I remember (and may have already said this, it bears repeating though) In 2020 i saw a piece of balloon art by Michael Schneider that said something to the effects of "don't use this quarantine as an excuse to text your ex" (Aka, even they looked good when we were all isolated... Hell, i almost did, if i hadn't run across that image at the exact moment i needed it)
Nostalgic point taken, so now I can put musicals to bed good night West Side story Brigadoon Caberet Hair sweet dreams are made of these who am I to disagree traveled the world and the 7 seas, music helps heal the world or is it disturbed silenced world. Just was a question they left me wondering about what kind of world they left us with? That was all. Thank you for listening, reading my post.
wow!!! Thank you so much dr. Ramani. This is what is kkeping me going to my mothers house, until today I could not understand what it was. Also my ex narc husband is trying to come back and have a relationship with me...and Xmas is always har for me since I got divorced and since my mother lives with my 54 year brother and they will spend xmas toguether.
It might just be this time of year. It's forever dark and wet here in the UK. Mine discarded me last yr before Xmas. In my mind during our so called "Happy" times i used have this internal conversation with myself because I wanted so much more then just the physical. I always wanted to escape and go home to my own house where my kids were. But why do i miss him now? The betrayl killed my soul. No contact was the only way i stayed alive when he left. I'm still suffering now.
I just go back and read the "ick list" Dr. Ramani suggested I make... nostalgia vision cured!! Never will I be treated so horribly again, no matter the few good times that were sprinkled in!! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!!!
Yuck list to me
As empaths, many of us are optimistic and we tend to remember the good times, rather than the bad. Even if the good times were rare. Remember that those good times were merely a reflection of your own qualities and virtues. They mirrored back to you whatever they thought was going to get you to emotionally invest in them. They thrive off your reactions and devotion.
I have to think on this because I am nostalgic and or sentimental around my children.
I really needed this..thank you ❤
Absolutely 💯 very well said.
Do not deny the fact that they were some of the people that helped us live.... They may gave us bad news but it was to prepare us for a bad future... I lost my only friend who had a lot of anger but it was very justified because everything we spoke about everything we hated and despised was actually killing us... My friend was a lifesaver no matter how much anger and narcissism he had he was always willing to go out of his way to save someone else and often did on his expense... And as much as he wanted to get rid of people that were killing us he was more willing to save a life than ask somebody to take one.... And he never did ask somebody to take a life..
@craig265 Very good point. Even though I feel destroyed I did find healing of intimacy.
Yes this happens during the holidays when I get nostalgic for the projections I made on the narcs in my life. I say projections b/c I believed my own distortions about my family relationships. Wishing peace and wholeness to all. Thank you for all you do Dr. Ramani.
I've done this and I've had it done to me so I understand completely as do you.😢❤ May God continue to bless your life with truth and the comfort from his Holy Spirit and a piece that truly does pass all understanding. That's where I'm at right now
@@stillwaters7730 ❤
Life with them is a lie. Nothing to feel nostalgic about.
They won't take everything from me. I refuse to be bitter.
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
I STRUGGLE WITH THIS SOOO MUCH!!!!!! Thank you so much for addressing this, I am so nostalgic for abuse... what is wrong with me... Thank you! ❤👍
You are not alone. Don’t juge yourself too harshly
Nostalgia stems from delusion AS WELL AS illusion. Reality is CLEARER.
Thank you for this, especially during the holidays, nostalgia hits and hurts like no other. This video is excellent and much needed. I feel seen. Thanks again.
I fell for it. My best friend seen me suffering and he promoted her as my biggest need. I been looking forward for twenty years to false promises. Three part of me that knows what to do is hiding in the back of my mind😢. Thank for this video
This is a good one, perfect timing before the holidays
This 💯 explains how I feel about some people right now . I feel nostalgic yet also that somethings not right and that they’re weren’t as good of a friend as I thought, and that they are not better then me. No longer self blaming. Focusing on the healthy safe peep and giving myself permission to be discerning. I am ok on my own. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It’s almost one year I broke up with my narcissistic ex-boyfriend after several weeks of watching your videos. I am really grateful for your videos which opened my eyes after 6 years. It still triggers me so much how they all use the same gaslighting and manipulation tactics. I just finished watching the last season of US ultimatum and the guy Scotty there is a complete narcissistic copy of my ex-boyfriend. I don’t understand how I didn’t realize how awful he was for over 6 years
God bless you Dr. Ramani for helping so many understand and hopefully heal (and avoid in the future) people that have these personality disorders ❤
I am/was absolutely nostalgic for the narcissist. There's so much pain wrapped up in it all but I can't help but be fond of many of the good things.
I completely agree. The good memories were and still are good but the bad times trap us in a circle or cycle of confusion.
@mrspookie5377 Indeed. It makes me appreciate the good the narc had but I feel so much loss over their dysfunction.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Really appreciate you
I did this for a while, its like going into a fantasy world you wished it was. Now I sometimes do this when I attend events in unhealthy environments just to get through it. I quickly watch a video or something to take me out of the cognitive dissonance afterwards.
Not anymore....almost 1 year zero contact 😂🎉
@jokerlovesyou1861 congrats!! I had 2 years and gave in cuz I needed affection ugh. Bk to 2 weeks no contact
I was horribly nostalgic for the past including the narcs I had in my life, but I have outgrown that now. Now I'm horrified at the thought of seeing them again. Those narcs were so horrible to me that while I realize that there were some good moments, those good moments were fake, an image in a glass house, because I was gas-lighting myself, because I was enabling them and making excuses for them. I think that if I see those narcs, I will get PTSD. No, I don't feel nostalgic.
The horror of the way the last relationship ended keeps me from nostalgia. She was the only one (along with her mother) who were there when I was in the hospital when I was being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, nearly dying in the hospital (I walked out at 88 lbs and 5’6”). But I cannot let that open a door for her to stay in my life. She can NEVER come back.
Nope. Finally. I now see what it was. And there was nothing real there. It took me three years to get to this place. I’m proud of me!
Me 😉 2
@@caroleminke6116me 3 😂🎉😢
In process… 4 years
@@isabelparker1431 you will get there
So on point. It's true for me that once I went no contact with my mother and brother, other narc relationships became crystal clear to me. Only when I left those relationships my healing could begin. And boy oh boy, the past is a force to go up against in the healing process particularly this time of year! I wouldn't have it any other way than to face the hard and ugly truths of it all.
Much love to you, Dr Ramani and everyone on their journey of healing. ❤❤❤
This has come at a uniquely, perfect time -vacationing with four childhood friends who I have many many fond memories The problem -2 of them extremely toxic -i’ve worked extremely hard to navigate many narcissistic relationships and have gotten so much stronger - I will have to navigate a four day trip with them….I’m working hard to get strong for this trip and appreciate this video so much to help put things in perspective
I watched a LOT of your videos a year or two back and they helped me immensely. A blog of yours way before your TH-cam presence was the first help you gave me!
Now this one has hit home at exactly the right time. It took me 40 years to recognise my narcissistic older sister for what she was and is; in fact, it took comments from some of HER friends for me to actually click and the lightbulbs come on. I went cold turkey with blocking all communication ten years ago but it's always at Christmas time that the nostalgic memories bring on self doubt. Your video made me remember that it was during the holiday season that my sister was at her worst with her devious nastiness. THANK YOU for pulling me back from the edge once again ❤❤❤
I broke up from a malignant narc a yr ago, but I'm having dreams about my narc Ex! They say when narc can't come to you in the physical world they come into your dreams!These people are demonic. I'm happy in a new happy relationship!
" Do not say ' why were the former days better than these? ' for it is not of wisdom you ask this. "
( Ecclesiastes 7:10 ) You really helped me understand these words, written 3000 years ago!
Thank you very, very much!
Thank you for the work you do... I'm grateful to you for opening my eyes to my marriage of 25 years, 27 of being together. I'm now seeing through a different lens. Everything you say speaks to me...Ive been in a lot of therapy over the last 6 months and listening to experts on narcissism. God has revealed everything to me...the affairs, lies, manipulations, abuse..I now have the strength & resolve to move forward and divorce him. I'm no longer waffling. Lean on God. HE'S got you!
_Namaste,_ Doctor Ramani!
As Buddha Shakyamuni said, and I quote, *“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”* He was so right. It’s not so easy at times, but he was so right. I don’t like the past. We can’t change it; people who passed won’t come back. The people we love are hopefully in the future, so if we go back to the past, we are distancing ourselves from them.
Hey, Doctor Ramani, the word _saudade_ (nostalgia) doesn’t exist in any other languages, just Portuguese. I just want you to know that word. Thanks again! 😊
The problem with nostalgia I noticed qith my very nostalgic covert an able mother, is it's how she remembers the past and my childhood. It's not how I felt or how things were for me, it how a he felt and how it was for her. Last year she wanted me to look through all the old photos together, whilst having no empathy for current life difficulties, nor my past hurts. I avoided it, I don't want to look through holiday photos where we are all smiling. It was simply 2 weeks out of 52 where they were happy because we were on vacation. Parenting isn't simply vacations and photos, it's being there for your child, nurturing them, seeing them and helping them grow straight. My father destroyed my favourite photo in any case, when I was just 5 because he was in one of his rages. But let's not talk about that as my mother would say.
Happy holidays everyone ❤🎉
Are you sure you are not reading my mind? This is exactly what I have been struggling with. As I had mentioned before, when my mother was a good mother, she was a very good mother. As time went on the good times faded and the bad times became more frequent. By the time she died going home to see her or even speaking to her on the phone became an exercise in torture. If you are familiar with the book or movie '"A Picture of Dorian Grey", it perfectly demonstrates her descent into evil. Near the end of her life she actually admitted she liked to fight. Despite all this, at 71 I still long for the "good days".
As I’ve learned about narcissism and how it has impacted my life (thanks, Dr. Ramani!), I have found my friends fit into one of three general categories.
1. General friends. These are people who were friends in a particular time and place, and we had fun and then moved on. Maybe we’re still in touch, or maybe not. Nice folks, good memories, and that’s that. This is by far the biggest group.
2. Narcissistic friends. These are people I wish I had never met. They were the ones who used me, and who, to one degree or another did to me the things this channel is all about, from highly malignant to just exploitative.
3. True friends. Not many of these, but they are the ones who I know I can count on no matter what. One of these guys literally saved my life.
Now, if I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would write the names of group #2 on a list in red ink with the words “Avoid like Ebola”. Group #3 would be on a list in bright blue ink with the words “Do whatever you have to do to meet and befriend these guys”.
Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani, since today is my husband's birthday and I was debating if I should reach out with birthday wishes. I tossed all night fighting against myself, really trying to make my soul feel at peace about reaching out, but it feels horrible because I know he doesn't love me and has mistreated me every time I let him back in. I keep minimizing the love I should have for myself. If I reach out, it's erasing all my progress. I have to start the healing process over again. The struggle is real. I guess I just feel lonely after 3 decades in this abuse. I'm in the process of divorcing him.
He doesn't even think or care about you.
No. I'm not nostalgic for the narcissist.
Thank you for another great one!
Thank you for your help ❤
I feel like I have to delete 3 years of my life! I can’t look back now and think fondly about that time. It makes me so sad
@@Dedemorris7948 those feelings you have about the past come from words... But you allow yourself to think of it with those words based off of feelings... But at the end of the day those are just words based off the feelings you experienced after the experience... If you say to yourself those feelings come from those words you must realize that those are just words... And why should words alter anything about you unless it's for self-improvement... There's no reason to deny the truth.. the truth will set you free.
You get to rewrite your story--one where you're no longer accepting scraps of attention or affection but seeking relationships that truly honor and respect you.
Such a wise caring and discerning lady she is 💝. She is truly a gift from God. For all of us with her wise knowledge and council for us much appreciate her for her passion to help so many people who have suffered from narcissistic abut as a child. Oh so much trauma we’ve endured much love and respect for her 🥹🥰🤗🫶🏼
Of course it happens now and then. It's okay to get a bit of warmth from a good memory. Just remember: Don't go back. It's over.
Even A broken clock is right twice a day
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this excellent advice. The 'nostalgic, distorted goggles' as you mentioned, had their place in time. However, we grow up and mature. I had certain comments that were very discouraging said to me from controlling narcissistic individuals that I do not want to have repeated. In fact, this is also true of current day comments from distortions that come from prolonged gaslighting and invalidating maneuvers unawares that are wrong.
this is tough for me because i drive trucks i sit with my thoughts a lot
Many live this when they aren't on the road but 🫂!
@Summer_Harvest THANK YOU
Rumination is real. I’ve been riding on my mental carousel for years, but now I catch myself and redirect my thoughts out of the toxic past and back to the present moment and I think of people and things that bring me joy. It works with a bit of practice. Hugs from San Diego ✨🤗✨
@Dr.DorisTorres thank you for sharing I'm learning this as well redirect my thoughts 💭
Are you an over the road trucker.. Alone alot?? This happens to me, as soon as I actually catch myself, it takes a little minute, I talk to myself and say that's not where you are now... Moving on... I then think of something I love to do, or enjoy.. or place I've seen, or place I know I'll go one day. I ponder on heaven and how wonderful and unimaginable compared to here it will be, no limits., mean people and most of All.. Jesus!
Tent polls are posts in the ground not easily uprooted- they secure the tent into place for security, safety. Nostalgia is filled with tent poles that keep our stories held together.
So true, Dr. Ramani! I recently realized that I had nostalgia for a friend who used to be like a sister after supporting her through a crisis. I had then gone to great lengths (decades and continents) to earn her friendship, thinking she was so friendless and hyper-competitive because of childhood traumas she had confided to me. We met for coffee 15 years after she dumped me, and she was clearly avoidant and narcissistic. Being myself an empath with CPTS, well . . . I let go and forgave myself. Thank you for all you have taught me!
I never feel nostalgic. I feel peaceful.
Yes, throw the "NOSTALGIA DISTORTION GOGGLES" in the garbage can. For a better life.
Remember a great future doesn't require a great past!
That's Brilliant!
Last year I recognized that I was a codependent while examining the ways I interacted (more and more frequently) with a friend I've known for over 20 years. I've been on a path of healing, and your videos are cups of tea while I self-reflect. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
You always get us Dr Ramani. This video resonated a lot. You helped me find the answer to why I am still holding on to the relationship with my narc dad. It's more of the nostalgia and sense of belonging to a family plus the fear of losing other family members. Things are not black and white. You helped enforce one of the multiple truths in my life which is as a child I had some good memories with my dad like going to theme parks and trips but at the same time he is selfish, controlling, manipulative, psychologically immature, emotionally stunted and a toxic parent. Thank you for helping me navigate the complexities of narcissisitic relationships. As you say it may take a while for us to leave, but once we start to make ourselves ready which I am at now (more of fixing the financial side of things as well as the emotional aspect) there is no turning back.
That is so true … this is the real problem to get over nostalgia…
Absolutely not. I'm using whatever memories pop up to write up artistic pieces about the past.
I was, I'm not anymore, especially after being told I was a stupid bit@# more than a few times and seeing hatred and jealousy too, did it for me especially as it was coming from my backstabbing mother. No I can honestly say I don't want to see her anymore, I put up with it for 49 years, all while growing up and she never did anything for me without benefitting herself too. I can't honestly say I miss any of that and my kids are safer and happier too without her as well.
You nailed my life story, once again Dr Ramani! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I finally realized, I kept giving my old 7th grade BFF excuses for her toxic behavior just because we had a long friendship/acquaintance - behavior I would never tolerate from anyone else. You’ve helped me heal from 45 years of emotional turmoil, restored my sense of self and sanity. Wishing you and everyone a blessed and joyous holiday season. 🙏💗🎄🙌
I never felt nostalgic, if anything I only remember the horrible crap and barely remember when we actually got along and had fun.
Then I think about how miserable he is living with his mommy and jobless, hustling women online to pay for his cigarettes alcohol and subscriptions for online gaming.
When you get to witness karma at play, life is beautiful and there is zero nostalgia.
I was again seeking a therapist. Found one in a town nearby. As we talked she said she lived in a village I grew up in. She loved the place. I suddenly went back in time, the time before all the trauma began. Life was good as a little girl until it wasn't. I stayed with memories for a day. Then I felt uneasy. I didn't want to know she was living in that village.
My instincts came to life telling me I have been here before with another therapist. There would be no real nostalgia. I saw the signs which made me uneasy.
I happened to view this video yesterday and knew what I had to do. I texted I didn't think we would work well together. As a survivor, I know why. Others may have no clue.❤
I AM a great empath so some years after I had left him (I discarded him after 10 years together at year 2014!) I sometimes could felt nostalgic but not so much. Nowadays? No - not a bit. Even if he died last February 2023 I don't feel nostalgic.
It is wath it was! A tragic and abusing relationship which luckily is over since many years ago. No good memories to bee nostalgic over cause it was all a fake fasad of his real personality and honestly I can say: He ruined every moment of joy or Birthdays, holidays and vaccation if he wasn't The Shining Star.
And That's it! 🙏
Yes this is so needed for this time of year for me. It is my adult daughter that only revealed or I could see NPD three months ago. We didn’t know what it was until then or failed to see it.
Ive been nostalgic lately on Christmas with my ex narc last year. It was our first and last together and it was actually nice. He was his typical over the top trying to impress everyone, but I we got along and it was nice. Im 5 months out and feel lonely lately, holidays can be hard 😞
3:13 yeah..any port in a storm
Thank You So Much Dr Ramani ♥️
What a beautiful color blue! Looks great on you!
This helped tremendously. Thank you. 😀
This lady, SINGLEHANDEDLY, changed my life for the better. That age-old question game: If you could have any number of well-known guests for dinner, who would they be? She tops that list now (having toppled Nina Simone, Meryl Streep, Miriam Makeba, Ingrid Jonker, Nelson Mandela, Dolly Parton...)
Thank you very much, having nostalgia over my car 23 years old. 1st time hearing of this very interesting please explain more.
YES, NOSTALGIA DISTORTS
and 'yes' we DO wonder if it is us. Stay in the moment.
It's funny that when we look back we only focus on the brief moments of joy & affection. I used to procrastinate over why people did nasty & secretive things but eventually realised the answer didn't matter, it didn't change what they did or that a loving person wouldn't have done such things. I also knew if they ever answered it would be dishonest & made my fault. Not long ago I got in touch with my ex lovers, I was curious to see if they had changed & if the distance of time would simplify the dynamics, but in reality they were worse living pathetic miserable lives acting the same way. I didn't hide my disdain & made it clear I would not get in touch again. I had projected what I wanted to see, excusing their behaviour at the time, but they wanted to resume the same pattern.
You're so awesome, Doc. I being far from my ex-narc for one year, and a few days ago (i dont know why) saw some picture of her in social media. Biggest regreat :(. Thank you so much for your words of knowledge and helpfull.
All my memories are laced with memories of a whole lotta narcissists wreaking havoc
☝️
That has changed the texture of my memories
🤷♂️
I have to dig into the memories and find the bright spots and good people inside of the memory
Whatever the memory is, I try to allow myself not to be bitter that most of these people weren’t even there
Something akin to memories of ghosts
I’m kinda sick of memories, really
Not mad or bitter about old memories.
Just empty holograms
Professor Sam Vaknin talks about nothingness.
I think that’s what I’ve managed to implement
‘Nothing’ is much better than the endless painful ruminations I had for 15 years
That’s over with
It’s time to create new memories
For God’s sake, it’s about time
O god, this is so true. There are times when i remember those past times and sometimes i see my abusive ex mushed up in those memories but what i miss is that carefree youth, with time, the hatred definately fades but we should not forget those leeches treating us in such bad ways, disrespecting and gaslighting and sucking all the energy from us!
I’ll call what I have “cognitive nostalgia”. Yup. Made it up.
A person might think that, because I’m cleaning all of my mother’s clutter out of her house, that I pick up each item, sit with it, remember when she bought it, how happy she was with it and how happy I was for her. I do think of those things. But, it isn’t in a heartfelt way. I, very much, wish it was 30 years ago, my parents were alive and, although they argued, there was some happiness in between. But it’s all gone. I do t even feel I can appreciate all of the things, that she once loved, but ultimately no longer cared about. I know I also live in a changed world where, I can’t get a nickel, for that which she once treasured. I’m looking more at how, no matter what it all seemed to mean, it means less than nothing now. I don’t even wonder for how long, she stopped loving me, decided to use me as she’d said, then started targeting me. Something I never considered I’d experience, just a decade ago. Maybe for me, nostalgia isn’t simply beautiful memories of what once was, but for that which ended well, on a tender, bitter, longing note and, clearly, it all ended in a nightmare and still isn’t done. I have nostalgia, for a better life, for all of us. Not just looking out of my own eyes, at my own life. I have nostalgia for when my mother hadn’t given up on life, instead of when she did everything, but burn it to the ground, for all of us. Maybe I shouldn’t call it nostalgia. Just disappointment.
Yes let go of a 60 year relationship we met at 5 years old. Wonderful memories! But she was always the leader and manipulator. I saw it in full on our last texting session. Still love her! Probably check in on her again or her daughter idk Beautiful and fun memories! And then some .
Only for the 2-3 times trail riding my horse. Can't do that now.
Been resenting that I can't revel in those happier slivers of holiday memories w/o those sour images of my own ex-GRINCH. Narcissists not only rob you of your present and future if you let them but of your past happiness when ignorance was bliss and you were being groomed and dressed like a Christmas ham! 😢
Enjoy and appreciate this channel much. Merry Christmas, Doc.
No maam we cant see things same as we change, but maturity hits as we grow.
I just wish the narcissists would change their personalities if they truly wanted to; it is an important and amazing part of the journey to step outside of their comfort zone and burst their bubble. After all, how long will they live under the mountain? Life is beautiful.
It is unquestionably true that good things come back to you if you do good, and I have no shame in saying that. In order to defend and protect ourselves, we all possess a small amount of narcissist personality. However, that does imply that we ought to be taken for granted.
❤ Another Excellent and critical distinction! 😌😘
This is me right now. A month ago I was much more ready to go but slowly I think of better days yet most were 15-23 years ago. I know it is happening though and this video hits home. THX!
No, and no, no, no. But I listen to this anyway. I guess it is your rational voice.
If I didn't know any better I would think that my therapist called you. We were just discussing my hesitations about responding to my cousin...🙃
The more price you paid the less nostalgia.
Some of us do not have dissonance because we deal with them without masks continuously and it almost costs us our sanity, if not our life.
When you are part of the social façade there is dissonance, when you fall behind it, there is an obvious hell.
I am nostalgic for the person I was, for the life I had, before the narcissistic clan decided that I was a danger for being a true teller and trying to protect my mother who was discarded in the illness. Nostalgia for those tyrant children playing with the lives of others, scammers and abusers, egocentric and unscrupulous?. None.
If someone feels nostalgia it is towards a mask or character, real beings scare you.
Try to celebrare the discard, the zero contact, the worst case scenario is that you are a target to destroy, a captive negative supply. That's the true hell in Earth!.
Sit down and make a list of who you truly think will come to your funeral. There’s your possibility of true friendships and family.
Oh this is so good!
Spent a day in total nostalgia here on the lovely gulf coast of Florida 🏝️ on the nature coast where we sailed a Catalina 34’⛵️ I’m lucky that I survived & know now it was meant to show me the shadow side of my subconscious 😉 truth has a way of coming out through the most unexpected things… including narcissistic people who show us where our healing journey needs to take another path forward 💔❤️🩹♥️ healing is on the far side of narcissism
Do you have a video on how to specifically respond to a narcissistic parent with examples? I'm struggling with how to exactly handle it when she says stuff like "You never let me see my granddaughter" or ""the family" is so upset with how you are raising granddaughter" when its only her that is upset. She is really good at making you feel like you need to defend yourself.
I'm kind of the queen of a dramatic breakup though. I wish I didn't absolutely need to burn those bridges, but when I'm done, you're gettin' a strongly worded letter and a block. Honestly, I feel that's what works best for me and I'm happier for it.
Love this one thankyou Dr Ramani X
Not at all. In fact, I notice at this time of year that I have feelings of anger and sadness. I am so blessed to be with a self reflective person now. Thank God Almighty I am out of that relationship.
Great delivery
This is it, this is my problem 😭
I hear you. After a year I began dating again however I just keep ruminating on the ex narc. I feel nothing anymore and I feel numb. So hopefully I can get through the holidays without thinking too much about a life I thought I'd have since in reality it was all a fairytale anyway. 😢
I relate to this 100%
I wrote this poem about feeling stuck due to nostalgia...
LIMBO
One foot forward,
One stuck in the before.
I try to march onward,
New shores to explore.
Subtle transition,
Shedding my skin,
Persistent proposition,
My life to begin.
Reluctance it lingers,
Seductively slick.
White knuckled fingers,
Won’t loosen their grip.
The past’s been revisited,
For years I have stared.
Became uninhibited,
My soul I have bared.
Nostalgia she whispers,
Nothing new to say,
But I’m weak to resist her,
I let her have her way.
Too used to suffering,
It’s become my default.
At signs of recovering,
My body revolts.
So, I replay the old tapes,
Of faded out bygones,
Recognisable shapes,
Of days that have dawned.
Absent in the present,
Desperate for a new way.
To the past acquiescent,
In limbo I stay
I remember (and may have already said this, it bears repeating though)
In 2020 i saw a piece of balloon art by Michael Schneider that said something to the effects of "don't use this quarantine as an excuse to text your ex"
(Aka, even they looked good when we were all isolated... Hell, i almost did, if i hadn't run across that image at the exact moment i needed it)
Thanks for sharing
Nostalgic point taken, so now I can put musicals to bed good night West Side story Brigadoon Caberet Hair sweet dreams are made of these who am I to disagree traveled the world and the 7 seas, music helps heal the world or is it disturbed silenced world. Just was a question they left me wondering about what kind of world they left us with? That was all. Thank you for listening, reading my post.
I'm in love with what we had but not in what she is.
wow!!! Thank you so much dr. Ramani. This is what is kkeping me going to my mothers house, until today I could not understand what it was. Also my ex narc husband is trying to come back and have a relationship with me...and Xmas is always har for me since I got divorced and since my mother lives with my 54 year brother and they will spend xmas toguether.
It might just be this time of year. It's forever dark and wet here in the UK. Mine discarded me last yr before Xmas. In my mind during our so called "Happy" times i used have this internal conversation with myself because I wanted so much more then just the physical. I always wanted to escape and go home to my own house where my kids were. But why do i miss him now?
The betrayl killed my soul. No contact was the only way i stayed alive when he left.
I'm still suffering now.
THANK YOU❤
No. He(Dad) ruined the holidays again. I am done with Dad!
Good timing
I’ve had a couple of old connections from 30/40 years ago pop up in my life recently. It was tough in both situations. I’m not sure it will work.
🤔 oh ya!! The pizza from my home town. Shout out to pizza shuttle lawrence ks. ♥ 😊
Easy answer for me. NO.
NO. NO. NO.