Hey guys! The link to join the 7 Day Free Trial is here: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/7-day-free-trial-yt (Access to all 45+ courses, workbooks and live events for FREE!) - Doors Close on May 5th 2021!
I’ve recently broken up with a DA. I did the open communication, telling them my needs, lowering my expectations, looking to not overwhelm them, giving them a safe space to open up, etc. And after 13 years I’m just exhausted and barely got anywhere with them. My advice… don’t get involved with a DA unless they are committed to heal themselves.
13 years of that, holy cow. I only experienced 1.5 years but wow, I feel your pain. Unfortunately losing a great partner is the motivation they need to want to improve
I totally agree. There's a psychopathic flavor to DAs who have zero interest in changing. I'm old enough to know there is NOOO hope waiting for him. Because either: A. He's severely emotionally immature ORRR he's knows how deep my love is for him and is conscious of this because he feels it too ANNNDDD he gets extreme pleasure of intentionally stabbing my heart. Do EITHER of those scenarios sound good to any grounded rational human being?!
I've just got out of a 6 month DA relationship. The pain I went through... You guys are legends to hang on in there. Love and kind thoughts to you. From the UK ❤️
@@austinnguyen9107 the DA I'm trying again with lost me once, then after some time (1-2 months) of no contact, he expressed how badly he missed me & needed me in his life. After discussing what we need to do to have a happy, healthy relationship & trying again, after 3 months or so, he's back to the same way he was before: being impatient & not doing anything when I express what I love from him, not talking about anything in his life, not spending time. It's so frustrating that DA's almost pretend to be so attentive & healthy when they're pursuing you & then once they have you it drops off 90%. They don't see anything wrong with what they do.
1. Be clear & consistent about needs 2. Let them know u don't expect perfection & 100% of the time 3. Appreciate & acknowledge what they did 4. Make them feel important "you're good at this so can u pls" 5. Do one need at a time - slowly 6. Do things for them "hey let me know cause it's okay it's healthy"
Yeah. If only you have a buttload of time and patience only for the DA to say to you suddenly, "I don't think i want to be in relationship with anyone. I will always choose myself."
It honestly sucks being a Anxious Preoccupied (AA) in a relationship with a Dissmissive Avoidant (DA). Most times I tell her what I want and what I appreciate, yet I still get the silent treatment. Don't get me wrong, it's great having her come to me, but this I noticed has become rare, and I give her all the space in the world. However, it's weird because being such a Anxious Preoccupied (AA) and giving her so much space, I have slowly shifted to being Secure.
How long have you been together? Thais says that secure people don't get involved with DAs past a certain point in the dating phase, so I figured that feeling the itch to move on was "becoming more secure". How can we know if we're becoming more secure, or just more DA like them ?
@@nataliaturner4845We've been together for just over 2 months now. I didn't know there was a timeline to move on, lol. To be honest, I've just recently discovered Thais so I am still new to a lot of this. One thing I do know is I am definitely used to giving them space.
@@Qtipz123 It's not that there's a timeline so much as certain turning points, where things get more serious and the dynamics start to change, that a secure person would be loathe to allow such a one-sided relationship w/the DA to continue (because their needs are not being met, and it signals to them that the person is not ready for anything more serious than dating). Thais has a really good video about the different phases of a relationship for each attachment style. This one is for the secure person (I haven't seen it, for obvious reasons lol th-cam.com/video/KGsdUKMcGq8/w-d-xo.html but maybe the DA or AA one would be more useful to you tho? you can search for the title of that video on the channel to find the other ones) and this one I think was good, about how a secure person reacts to being ghosted by a DA (th-cam.com/video/35Jlm7QM19Y/w-d-xo.html).
The DA I’m with has no idea what his needs even are. I gave him four cards with questions: what makes me feel loved? What makes me feel supported?. What makes me feel respected? I asked him to help me by filling them out. I got two cards with “I don’t know” and one card with “alone time and appreciation”. Lol. So... total disconnect from his own needs and feelings.
the appreciation and feeling helpful is soooo my father. he wont show much emotion or affection, but is big on performing acts of service and giving gifts. if he fixes something in the house and it isnt acknowledged or he thinks we're gonna break the thing he fixed, he gets super frustrated , anxious, and resentful, but im realizing it might be because he thinks we arent appreciating the thing he worked on for us.
Dudes in a nutshell with some of this. A lot of us LIKE to serve and do things. Less complicated than some of the emotional bearing needed for certain types of communication and we look stronger doing it. However we can open up.
THAIS . You saved my relationship. We just had a discussion like this thanks to your tips& it was initiated by him. I told him my needs & apologised for the way I approached him before. I made it clear& gave examples & I feel so hopeful. He started expressing needs too & acknowledging that he wasn’t listening to me& that he wants to be better (but I actually now feel he just didn’t know what to show up for me) Thank you so much, much better than dating coach games/rules urgh
As an autistic person, sometimes I wonder how many of these people have autism or adhd and were a: traumatized... which is sad because autistics/nd's have BIG needs and they need to be met and B: Were not taught how to communicate. So many raised without proper support subscribe to the "do it all alone"/avoidant diatribe and it makes me sad because some of them are intensely lovable when they open up and act more "human" instead of running.
I only need one thing: the certainty that he cares about me and is willing to make things work. I am exhausted and cannot think about reaching out after having been left for 2 times, unless he really comes back willing to change
100% transparency. I need someone who will actually stay in the arena of life and work things out and not fight, freeze or flee. Stability. Fiercely loyal. 100% honest with me and himself. There's more, but that's a good start!
It’s extremely tough and challenging to deal a DA. It took whatever I could to communicate with the DA and I’ve always felt unheard or seen. The defensiveness and the wall that has been put up by the DA blocked the emotional connection. In my personal experience, unless they are truly aware of their unconscious programming and make the unconscious conscious, otherwise it wouldn’t worth the time and energy you’ve invested. My advise is to leave and work through secure attachment yourself and attract the right person.
Its so sad to read this. I am currently in a situationship with a DA. I am studying attachment styles for weeks now and do all the work to shift myself into the secure attachment style. I feel I have grown as a person because of the struggle but reading all the comments makes me feel that there are no success stories especially with DA's who think they don't need/want to work on themselves. I really like her.. but I guess its time to face the reality
Im a secure attached but I feel bad that people are saying theyre happy to get rid of their DA exes. DAs need guidance like all other insecure types, though they are probably the most challenging to deal with. attachment styles can change as long as they are willing to change themselves. And I hope DAs can eventually find their healing
1:50 you don’t have expectations & don’t expect 100% perfection. When you need this again, I will let you know. 3:15 show appreciation for their effort 4:30 make them feel important 5:35 drop one need at a time 6:00 make sure their needs are met. Let them know it’s ok & safe to have their needs met.
My closest friend who is a DA, when I was clear, has been amazing in her willingness to meet needs. I realize however that I could have been more specific in some areas. AND I realize I could have asked them more what they need or if they want to practice being emotionally vulnerable and receive empathy. I could also acknowledge her more when she does meet me and I notice other attempts. When I review things NOW, I feel alot more appreciation than I expressed before. Sigh.
I think its easier for them in friendships because they are not as triggered. One of my closest friends is a DA and he is the one who introduced me to attachment styles. I was actually shocked at first to find out he is a DA because of how we became close friends extremely fast when we were young.
Thank you Thais. I don’t think I could have ever felt better about myself and the ending of my connection with a DA without all the free content you provide. We appreciate you!
I think my ex of 6 months was a DA. Once we shared our needs, mine was all about what I need from her and hers were all about what I need to stop doing. It felt weird. Then when I said for her to send me her needs for me to keep, she said I can send her mine if I want but only shortened versions or she’ll freak out. Then I broke something of hers, got stonewalled for 3 days, forced her to tell me what was wrong. She said she was questioning her feelings (after 2 weeks earlier telling me she loved me), so I thought, fuck this and ended it. When I asked to try a final time a couple of days later, she said she wants to be alone as there’ll be a trust barrier and she doesn’t want to make a commitment. It’s been pretty rough :(
Okay i now realise what I’m doing wrong. I’m giving laundry lists & speeches about why it would be good for US ...when I need to give a clear single request & do this consistently with other needs. Not drown him in deeds :( Hopefully knowing this now it makes a difference
Great info Thais realized DA was just too much work and would leave my needs unmet and I would feel totally empty and exhausted while ensuring theirs would be constantly met.
Thank you for discussing a very important topic that people need to know about. This should be a mandatory high school course. I really think people need this and to know styles can change due to trauma or therapy. Sorry to be such a downer on dismissive avoidants. One doesnt like to be dismissed or avoided. Thanks for verbalizing their fears in english engulfment and abandonment. Its hard for some people to understand that a person feels like they MIGHT lose themselves if they enter into a relationship (engulfment).
You deleted your comment but I already wrote a reply so there it goes: I'm a DA, in therapy for years, heavy childhood trauma, always trying to figure out myself and people around me, I'm an empath, I pick up on others' feelings easily and sometimes can't tune them out up to the point of feeling extremely overwhelmed and irritated because it's simply too much, I gotta deactivate, I read people very well UNTIL my own needs and fears come into the picture. Then everything is blurred and I'm so depressed I have suicidal thoughts everyday. I've been suicidal since I was 10 yo. My perspective is that the people around me assume I either have no problems at all or I don't care about anyone. Saying stuff like you said is gaslighting. Narcissists are mostly FA, not DA, but still not all FAs are narcissists, attachment styles and personality disorders are different things although they may be correlated. You assume DAs aren't trying when a lot of us do, but we keep hearing we aren't so we give up. No amount of effort is ever enough so why bother. A few years back I decided to ignore such jerk comments and just work on myself FOR MYSELF and this is when I started really evolving. A lot of people who aren't DA don't acknowledge that being a DA is tragic, the most complicated attachment style so it's hard to untangle, we give up on a lot of things in life, a lot of opportunities, yet other attachment styles people (I feel it's mostly FAs because it's their trademark) make our tragedy about themselves, specifically the romantic relationships. There are two people in any relationship. DAs may not fulfill your needs but I'm quite sure you don't fulfill their needs as well if you're as judgmental as you come across. I often feel like this misunderstanding between different attachment styles comes from completely different needs. I'm very careful not to push somebody else's boundaries by showing my emotions and support. I don't want to overwhelm them, shame them, I don't want to be obnoxious or come across as fake because I care and I care far more that regular people do - this might seem fake because of my logical and practical personality, I was often accused of prying when I simply asked if I can help a person in distress. I choose to give people space. This will be viewed as cold and heartless by others, but this is my love language and how I need to be treated. I wait for the other person to decide what they want to tell/give me in their time. Otherwise I feel like I've manipulated them into loving and accepting me because I've shown I care (I've pushed myself onto them). Let's say the other person is AP. Our love languages will not be compatible if we treat each other how we want to be treated - instead of communicating our needs in a secure way. The difference is that the AP person shows love by doing too much (from a DA's perspective) and DA by doing too little (from an AP's perspective). DA will be the bad guy because AP's actions are more theatrical and their reactions to the DA more dramatic, even though AP's actions are not a gift to the DA - they're done out of AP's perspective, to fulfill AP's needs. Hopefully I've explained this in a clear way 😅 when I started looking at miscommunications in relationships as incompatible needs - I started being more understanding and thoughtful of others, I don't take this personally anymore. They aren't trying to hurt me, they are trying their best but their love language doesn't suit my needs. This in turn pushes me to be more articulate about my needs and THIS IS WORKING. Even FAs I know are far more at peace and share their own needs when I open up. But again some DAs will never reach this epiphany, gaslighted by people without a shred of empathy who completely misunderstand and judge them so easily.
@@Mia199603 I am a recovering DA who is now 71% secure. I have been in PDS and Thais has helped me so much. I would say its a myth that DAs don't work on themselves and inside PDS and in Thais's previous client practice there are amazing DAs who have worked so hard to heal. Maybe the approach Thais uses helps DAs to heal. I too read the deleted comments you talked about. I am sorry to hear your story. I know mental health issues are tough. I hope you can heal soon.
@@roshalllambert yes I fully agree, Thais's approach is a breath of fresh air. Gives me hope more DAs will be treated with respect and empathy and start feeling understood enough to become more secure in their relationships. A DA's needs are just as valid as everyone else's. We're all on our own path of self improvement, regardless of the attachment style, so why not just be more kind to each other... Thank you for your kind words, I'm happy you're healing and congratulations because this really is a lot of hard work you've done for yourself and your loved ones ❤️
It’s been 3 years and 4 mos. I always assumed he had something but he finally admitted 2 mos ago (wish he did earlier) that he’s afraid of being close to the “finish line” and gets scared. Why do these people even get into relationships? He does want to “work on his issues “ but I don’t really see it. He just wants me to adjust myself so he can feel good.
DA are so easy to please (I am one) all we want is to feel appreciated and a lot of our happiness comes from watching you be whole all on your own!… we only want authenticity JUST. BE. YOU. For youuuuu
So "I do my own thing, you do your own thing, and if I decide to grace you with my presence on occasion (my terms, of course) make sure you fawn all over me"~~did I get it right? (sorry, that's how my current "situationship" with a DA feels...I'm being somewhat sarcastic) 😂
@@loverofbeautifulthings work towards your divine purpose here once your aligned it comes together.. not saying your not… I get it but it pushes u to really find ur purpose in who u are here on the planet
Right! I love seeing people be great and I love to cheer them on. Let’s be great together and apart, most seem to be looking for a wheelchair ramp. Codependent
That example of having a model to learn from, father and mother giving to each other, that is so true and important. I now understand that the DA I am seeing never saw his parents model giving to each other. No wonder he seems to have difficulty in giving anything.
This was really helpful Thais! You are so empathic and I love the way you speak so kindly. I like that you remind us these things should never be done from a place of manipulation, but always authenticity and being clear.
Hello, thanks to your courses I grew my emotional intelligence but as a AA I know that my DA wants revenge when he feels ignored by me but at the same Time he distances himself and ignores me a lot. I'm trying my best to not take things personal but it's hard when you are rejected.
Short subtle forms. I'm FA and have big need for contribution. So I'm happy to meet her needs when and how I can. It's been a significant connection with bumps in the road but this info clarifies WHY.
U are phenomenal and super helpful . U explain all the behaviours that are so very confusing and so very hurtful to the receiver. Thank u for the very relevant tips u give.
Motion Muse I've got exactly the same problem with my DA. My brain is rattling around all the time how I can get him to lock in a plan (as I hate last minute stuff too) W/O sounding demanding. It gets frustrating because I can't plan my weekend properly as I want to leave it open in case he wants to meet up😣 What do you think of asking.."are we on this weekend? If not, have a chill weekend." I'm thinking of trying that.
This was a wonderful video...I'm also listening to clean up your mental mess by Caroline Leaf...the more the merrier right? Thanks again for all you share...I don't know where I would be without all the amazing different people sharing their gifts and experiences with all of us for free! It's very much appreciated! 🤗♥️
I may be avoidant with friends and family, but I am anxious in my romantic relationships. It makes it tough because I have a hard to reaching out for help from friends and family. Can you please do a video about how DAs (and all styles) respond to a partner in crisis? My DA partner is leaving me because my needs during crisis overwhelmed him. It doesn’t seem fair to have to tip toe around the DA when I’m in crisis.
@@nataliaturner4845 That's kinda why I asked for the video.🤷🏾♀️ It's a topic that I haven't really seen talked about. Life is tough; people get cancer, lose jobs, and loved ones die. In the midst of all of that, those of us who love a DA and have taken care to not overwhelm them with our needs normally, may not be able to keep that up when things are really hard. We may fall apart emotionally and it hurts when a spouse or long-term DA partner pulls away and can't support us in those moments. I think that DAs who are learning more about themselves and working to become more secure should consider this as a part of that process and people in relationships with DAs need advice on how to deal with the DA's response and not become resentful, especially if you love that person and you don't want to break up.
@@nataliaturner4845 you can learn anything if you want to. You can literally google how to support someone in a crisis, or someone who is crying, or someone who is sad. You can learn these things even if no one has modeled them to you in childhood.
I have a child with a DA and he's not meeting any of my co-parenting needs. I like this information but it sounds like a lot of coddling. Is there another perspective on this? Because coddling that man with how disrespectful he is to me doesn't sound like a good idea.
Literally nothing you will ever do or say gets through to dismissive avoidants. There is no tactic to break down their walls or get them to even try to meet your needs. Don’t waste your time, DA’s are a lost cause.
Whoa. Yeah. That's where I'm at as a mostly SA with my DA triggered after a traumatic relationship I tried to endure for 4 years ended recently. I'm SO afraid of people now. I don't trust anyone but myself to meet any of my needs and I'm suspicious of this man that wants to date me who says he'll love me and take care of me. I want no part of it. But secretly, deep down, I do. But every time I've thought someone was sincere I was was mistaken and ended up being the caregiver at my own expense. I think my partner picker is broken so I don't even trust myself to make a good choice when it comes to relationships. I tend to attract insecure, needy, childish addicts that want a mother to have sex with whenever they want. Ugh.
How do you let them know it’s ok for them to ask for their needs to be met? My DA is so independent he Does literally everything himself and gets frustrated when he thinks everybody always wants something from him.
i did all this, sadly it doesn´t work. He is so nice to other people and treats me like a stranger most of the tim, then when he wants sex after 3 months he is nice during it, after that we cuddled and the days after he doesn´t talk to me for days and is distant.
Question: what needs to be done when you suddenly get that wind of sad/angry/hateful thoughts about your ex while doing something important. Should you self soothe and take a break from your important work. Or you can process your emotions later? Or will that be internalised if not done then and there. I saw my ex's post with a new human and I felt like how did this person who said Ilove you even after the break up moved on so fast and I am still self soothing and getting rid of the toxicity he left me with.
I’d think self soothing to regulate your emotions would be a great choice. And really get to the root of what’s been triggered and understand how to put words to it. Him moving on doesn’t equal him never having loved you. That’s just a meaning you’re associating with him being with someone else. Truth is... after breakups .. If you’ve been doing the work to heal and grow through it you can meet someone rather quickly and it work out bc you have so much experience fresh on the brain to guide you on what to do and what yo avoid. I hope you’re doing better and are working through this thing! 🤎
what do you do if your partner says they don't need anything from you or the relationship but want things instead haha ...obviously I can see through this protective stratergy of the DA stating this ....but still any advice or guidance on this obstacle ? I am more a FA on the side of AP XX
Hey girl, you look really different in this videoz i can't put my finger on it.. did you do something to your teeth? Love your videos keep up tge good work 😊
Maybe the light is more natural in this video, I think a ring light has been used in previous videos which might be why Thais' face has been so bright previously
Greeting card companies are successful because normal people know how to meet others needs . A DA has trauma and must be kindly shown how giving and receiving love should be. And hey, if she has pretty feet… kiss her feet if she has a fetish and likes that !
Your Videos are very informative but it’s hard to understand thoroughly because honestly you talk too fast .. other videos of other you tube channels... People talk slower and it’s easier to understand.. It would be better if your videos were longer and you talked slower.. .. thank you for taking this into consideration
Sometimes they’re the type that likes to punish and push your buttons so it wouldn’t hurt to tell them the opposite of what you want just to make sure you get it.
Hey guys! The link to join the 7 Day Free Trial is here: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/7-day-free-trial-yt
(Access to all 45+ courses, workbooks and live events for FREE!) - Doors Close on May 5th 2021!
I’ve recently broken up with a DA. I did the open communication, telling them my needs, lowering my expectations, looking to not overwhelm them, giving them a safe space to open up, etc. And after 13 years I’m just exhausted and barely got anywhere with them. My advice… don’t get involved with a DA unless they are committed to heal themselves.
13 years of that, holy cow. I only experienced 1.5 years but wow, I feel your pain. Unfortunately losing a great partner is the motivation they need to want to improve
I totally agree.
There's a psychopathic flavor to DAs who have zero interest in changing. I'm old enough to know there is NOOO hope waiting for him.
Because either:
A. He's severely emotionally immature
ORRR
he's knows how deep my love is for him and is conscious of this because he feels it too ANNNDDD
he gets extreme pleasure of intentionally stabbing my heart.
Do EITHER of those scenarios sound good to any grounded rational human being?!
I've just got out of a 6 month DA relationship. The pain I went through... You guys are legends to hang on in there. Love and kind thoughts to you. From the UK ❤️
It's an eggshell walking and handling DAs with kid gloves. It's just that simple bc most DAs will not choose to heal. Examine if they're worth it.
@@austinnguyen9107 the DA I'm trying again with lost me once, then after some time (1-2 months) of no contact, he expressed how badly he missed me & needed me in his life. After discussing what we need to do to have a happy, healthy relationship & trying again, after 3 months or so, he's back to the same way he was before: being impatient & not doing anything when I express what I love from him, not talking about anything in his life, not spending time. It's so frustrating that DA's almost pretend to be so attentive & healthy when they're pursuing you & then once they have you it drops off 90%. They don't see anything wrong with what they do.
1. Be clear & consistent about needs
2. Let them know u don't expect perfection & 100% of the time
3. Appreciate & acknowledge what they did
4. Make them feel important "you're good at this so can u pls"
5. Do one need at a time - slowly
6. Do things for them "hey let me know cause it's okay it's healthy"
Yeah. If only you have a buttload of time and patience only for the DA to say to you suddenly, "I don't think i want to be in relationship with anyone. I will always choose myself."
They need to do things for the other person though.
That needs to change.
It honestly sucks being a Anxious Preoccupied (AA) in a relationship with a Dissmissive Avoidant (DA). Most times I tell her what I want and what I appreciate, yet I still get the silent treatment. Don't get me wrong, it's great having her come to me, but this I noticed has become rare, and I give her all the space in the world.
However, it's weird because being such a Anxious Preoccupied (AA) and giving her so much space, I have slowly shifted to being Secure.
So basically you're used to all that space now that you're being less anxious?
@@Lee-rn5mr The only way to "be in a relationship" with them is to get used to all that space.
How long have you been together?
Thais says that secure people don't get involved with DAs past a certain point in the dating phase, so I figured that feeling the itch to move on was "becoming more secure". How can we know if we're becoming more secure, or just more DA like them ?
@@nataliaturner4845We've been together for just over 2 months now.
I didn't know there was a timeline to move on, lol. To be honest, I've just recently discovered Thais so I am still new to a lot of this. One thing I do know is I am definitely used to giving them space.
@@Qtipz123 It's not that there's a timeline so much as certain turning points, where things get more serious and the dynamics start to change, that a secure person would be loathe to allow such a one-sided relationship w/the DA to continue (because their needs are not being met, and it signals to them that the person is not ready for anything more serious than dating). Thais has a really good video about the different phases of a relationship for each attachment style. This one is for the secure person (I haven't seen it, for obvious reasons lol th-cam.com/video/KGsdUKMcGq8/w-d-xo.html but maybe the DA or AA one would be more useful to you tho? you can search for the title of that video on the channel to find the other ones) and this one I think was good, about how a secure person reacts to being ghosted by a DA (th-cam.com/video/35Jlm7QM19Y/w-d-xo.html).
The DA I’m with has no idea what his needs even are. I gave him four cards with questions: what makes me feel loved? What makes me feel supported?. What makes me feel respected? I asked him to help me by filling them out. I got two cards with “I don’t know” and one card with “alone time and appreciation”. Lol. So... total disconnect from his own needs and feelings.
I'm AA and I discovered that about myself too! lol At least he's trying, tho.
Questions were too general to ask a DA. You have to get more specific.
Omg this is so me! Lol I would've struggled to fill those out too!
@@dclarke2179 Good point. Yes more specific helps.
@D Clark and Stephanie…can you give some examples of what you mean by more specific?
the appreciation and feeling helpful is soooo my father. he wont show much emotion or affection, but is big on performing acts of service and giving gifts. if he fixes something in the house and it isnt acknowledged or he thinks we're gonna break the thing he fixed, he gets super frustrated , anxious, and resentful, but im realizing it might be because he thinks we arent appreciating the thing he worked on for us.
Good insights for us
Dudes in a nutshell with some of this. A lot of us LIKE to serve and do things. Less complicated than some of the emotional bearing needed for certain types of communication and we look stronger doing it.
However we can open up.
THAIS . You saved my relationship. We just had a discussion like this thanks to your tips& it was initiated by him. I told him my needs & apologised for the way I approached him before. I made it clear& gave examples & I feel so hopeful. He started expressing needs too & acknowledging that he wasn’t listening to me& that he wants to be better (but I actually now feel he just didn’t know what to show up for me)
Thank you so much, much better than dating coach games/rules urgh
Hey how’s your relationship now?
@@Alchemist0102 probably over, a DA never really changes if he doesn´t put real work in, which most of them don´t do
As an autistic person, sometimes I wonder how many of these people have autism or adhd and were a: traumatized... which is sad because autistics/nd's have BIG needs and they need to be met
and B: Were not taught how to communicate.
So many raised without proper support subscribe to the "do it all alone"/avoidant diatribe and it makes me sad because some of them are intensely lovable when they open up and act more "human" instead of running.
I only need one thing: the certainty that he cares about me and is willing to make things work. I am exhausted and cannot think about reaching out after having been left for 2 times, unless he really comes back willing to change
100% transparency. I need someone who will actually stay in the arena of life and work things out and not fight, freeze or flee. Stability. Fiercely loyal. 100% honest with me and himself.
There's more, but that's a good start!
It’s extremely tough and challenging to deal a DA. It took whatever I could to communicate with the DA and I’ve always felt unheard or seen. The defensiveness and the wall that has been put up by the DA blocked the emotional connection. In my personal experience, unless they are truly aware of their unconscious programming and make the unconscious conscious, otherwise it wouldn’t worth the time and energy you’ve invested. My advise is to leave and work through secure attachment yourself and attract the right person.
So well said
Its so sad to read this. I am currently in a situationship with a DA. I am studying attachment styles for weeks now and do all the work to shift myself into the secure attachment style. I feel I have grown as a person because of the struggle but reading all the comments makes me feel that there are no success stories especially with DA's who think they don't need/want to work on themselves. I really like her.. but I guess its time to face the reality
This channel needs more subscribers!!!
Thanks Dmitris, you're very kind
-PDS team member
I so agree!
Im a secure attached but I feel bad that people are saying theyre happy to get rid of their DA exes. DAs need guidance like all other insecure types, though they are probably the most challenging to deal with. attachment styles can change as long as they are willing to change themselves. And I hope DAs can eventually find their healing
1:50 you don’t have expectations & don’t expect 100% perfection. When you need this again, I will let you know.
3:15 show appreciation for their effort
4:30 make them feel important
5:35 drop one need at a time
6:00 make sure their needs are met. Let them know it’s ok & safe to have their needs met.
4:30 is when "make them feel important" starts
My closest friend who is a DA, when I was clear, has been amazing in her willingness to meet needs. I realize however that I could have been more specific in some areas. AND I realize I could have asked them more what they need or if they want to practice being emotionally vulnerable and receive empathy. I could also acknowledge her more when she does meet me and I notice other attempts. When I review things NOW, I feel alot more appreciation than I expressed before. Sigh.
I think its easier for them in friendships because they are not as triggered. One of my closest friends is a DA and he is the one who introduced me to attachment styles. I was actually shocked at first to find out he is a DA because of how we became close friends extremely fast when we were young.
Thank you Thais. I don’t think I could have ever felt better about myself and the ending of my connection with a DA without all the free content you provide. We appreciate you!
we appreciate you being here as well. Thank you!
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool we love you so much! May God bless you ❤️
I think my ex of 6 months was a DA. Once we shared our needs, mine was all about what I need from her and hers were all about what I need to stop doing. It felt weird. Then when I said for her to send me her needs for me to keep, she said I can send her mine if I want but only shortened versions or she’ll freak out. Then I broke something of hers, got stonewalled for 3 days, forced her to tell me what was wrong. She said she was questioning her feelings (after 2 weeks earlier telling me she loved me), so I thought, fuck this and ended it. When I asked to try a final time a couple of days later, she said she wants to be alone as there’ll be a trust barrier and she doesn’t want to make a commitment. It’s been pretty rough :(
Okay i now realise what I’m doing wrong. I’m giving laundry lists & speeches about why it would be good for US ...when I need to give a clear single request & do this consistently with other needs. Not drown him in deeds :(
Hopefully knowing this now it makes a difference
Great info Thais realized DA was just too much work and would leave my needs unmet and I would feel totally empty and exhausted while ensuring theirs would be constantly met.
Thank you for discussing a very important topic that people need to know about. This should be a mandatory high school course.
I really think people need this and to know styles can change due to trauma or therapy. Sorry to be such a downer on dismissive avoidants. One doesnt like to be dismissed or avoided. Thanks for verbalizing their fears in english engulfment and abandonment. Its hard for some people to understand that a person feels like they MIGHT lose themselves if they enter into a relationship (engulfment).
You deleted your comment but I already wrote a reply so there it goes:
I'm a DA, in therapy for years, heavy childhood trauma, always trying to figure out myself and people around me, I'm an empath, I pick up on others' feelings easily and sometimes can't tune them out up to the point of feeling extremely overwhelmed and irritated because it's simply too much, I gotta deactivate, I read people very well UNTIL my own needs and fears come into the picture. Then everything is blurred and I'm so depressed I have suicidal thoughts everyday. I've been suicidal since I was 10 yo.
My perspective is that the people around me assume I either have no problems at all or I don't care about anyone. Saying stuff like you said is gaslighting. Narcissists are mostly FA, not DA, but still not all FAs are narcissists, attachment styles and personality disorders are different things although they may be correlated. You assume DAs aren't trying when a lot of us do, but we keep hearing we aren't so we give up. No amount of effort is ever enough so why bother. A few years back I decided to ignore such jerk comments and just work on myself FOR MYSELF and this is when I started really evolving. A lot of people who aren't DA don't acknowledge that being a DA is tragic, the most complicated attachment style so it's hard to untangle, we give up on a lot of things in life, a lot of opportunities, yet other attachment styles people (I feel it's mostly FAs because it's their trademark) make our tragedy about themselves, specifically the romantic relationships. There are two people in any relationship. DAs may not fulfill your needs but I'm quite sure you don't fulfill their needs as well if you're as judgmental as you come across. I often feel like this misunderstanding between different attachment styles comes from completely different needs. I'm very careful not to push somebody else's boundaries by showing my emotions and support. I don't want to overwhelm them, shame them, I don't want to be obnoxious or come across as fake because I care and I care far more that regular people do - this might seem fake because of my logical and practical personality, I was often accused of prying when I simply asked if I can help a person in distress. I choose to give people space. This will be viewed as cold and heartless by others, but this is my love language and how I need to be treated. I wait for the other person to decide what they want to tell/give me in their time. Otherwise I feel like I've manipulated them into loving and accepting me because I've shown I care (I've pushed myself onto them). Let's say the other person is AP. Our love languages will not be compatible if we treat each other how we want to be treated - instead of communicating our needs in a secure way. The difference is that the AP person shows love by doing too much (from a DA's perspective) and DA by doing too little (from an AP's perspective). DA will be the bad guy because AP's actions are more theatrical and their reactions to the DA more dramatic, even though AP's actions are not a gift to the DA - they're done out of AP's perspective, to fulfill AP's needs. Hopefully I've explained this in a clear way 😅 when I started looking at miscommunications in relationships as incompatible needs - I started being more understanding and thoughtful of others, I don't take this personally anymore. They aren't trying to hurt me, they are trying their best but their love language doesn't suit my needs. This in turn pushes me to be more articulate about my needs and THIS IS WORKING. Even FAs I know are far more at peace and share their own needs when I open up. But again some DAs will never reach this epiphany, gaslighted by people without a shred of empathy who completely misunderstand and judge them so easily.
@@Mia199603 I am a recovering DA who is now 71% secure. I have been in PDS and Thais has helped me so much. I would say its a myth that DAs don't work on themselves and inside PDS and in Thais's previous client practice there are amazing DAs who have worked so hard to heal. Maybe the approach Thais uses helps DAs to heal. I too read the deleted comments you talked about. I am sorry to hear your story. I know mental health issues are tough. I hope you can heal soon.
@@Mia199603 What a great comment. This resonated with me so much it's scary!
"No amount of effort is ever enough so why bother"
@@Mia199603
@@roshalllambert yes I fully agree, Thais's approach is a breath of fresh air. Gives me hope more DAs will be treated with respect and empathy and start feeling understood enough to become more secure in their relationships. A DA's needs are just as valid as everyone else's. We're all on our own path of self improvement, regardless of the attachment style, so why not just be more kind to each other...
Thank you for your kind words, I'm happy you're healing and congratulations because this really is a lot of hard work you've done for yourself and your loved ones ❤️
It would be amazing if someone was this clear about what they need. That would make the relationship so much easier and comfortable.
I told my DA everything I needed and he did the opposite!
I told a DA once I need what you need. I gave him the space for him to figure that out and needless to say he hasn’t really slipped up.
It’s been 3 years and 4 mos. I always assumed he had something but he finally admitted 2 mos ago (wish he did earlier) that he’s afraid of being close to the “finish line” and gets scared. Why do these people even get into relationships? He does want to “work on his issues “ but I don’t really see it. He just wants me to adjust myself so he can feel good.
It's so hard to see them anything other than selfish. ...
DA are so easy to please (I am one) all we want is to feel appreciated and a lot of our happiness comes from watching you be whole all on your own!… we only want authenticity JUST. BE. YOU. For youuuuu
So "I do my own thing, you do your own thing, and if I decide to grace you with my presence on occasion (my terms, of course) make sure you fawn all over me"~~did I get it right? (sorry, that's how my current "situationship" with a DA feels...I'm being somewhat sarcastic) 😂
@@loverofbeautifulthings work towards your divine purpose here once your aligned it comes together.. not saying your not… I get it but it pushes u to really find ur purpose in who u are here on the planet
@@ariadne6104 Thank you, yes, I am always working on that~~
Right! I love seeing people be great and I love to cheer them on. Let’s be great together and apart, most seem to be looking for a wheelchair ramp. Codependent
That example of having a model to learn from, father and mother giving to each other, that is so true and important. I now understand that the DA I am seeing never saw his parents model giving to each other. No wonder he seems to have difficulty in giving anything.
This was really helpful Thais! You are so empathic and I love the way you speak so kindly. I like that you remind us these things should never be done from a place of manipulation, but always authenticity and being clear.
I love that too!! I grew up hearing people play so many games that I thought it was the norm.
It is refreshing learning from Thais!
wow I needed this video 6 months ago😅
this channel is so informative, thank you so much!
I love reading comments about insufferable, broken people disparaging the insufferable and broken people
This channel has helped me so much. Thank you Thais!
Happy you are finding the content valuable. Thanks for your comment :)
-PDS team member
Hello, thanks to your courses I grew my emotional intelligence but as a AA I know that my DA wants revenge when he feels ignored by me but at the same Time he distances himself and ignores me a lot. I'm trying my best to not take things personal but it's hard when you are rejected.
Short subtle forms. I'm FA and have big need for contribution. So I'm happy to meet her needs when and how I can. It's been a significant connection with bumps in the road but this info clarifies WHY.
U are phenomenal and super helpful . U explain all the behaviours that are so very confusing and so very hurtful to the receiver. Thank u for the very relevant tips u give.
He hates locking in plans for some reason. I hate last min stuff. Whats a good way to suggest an activity in advance without seeming demanding?
Motion Muse
I've got exactly the same problem with my DA. My brain is rattling around all the time how I can get him to lock in a plan (as I hate last minute stuff too) W/O sounding demanding. It gets frustrating because I can't plan my weekend properly as I want to leave it open in case he wants to meet up😣
What do you think of asking.."are we on this weekend? If not, have a chill weekend." I'm thinking of trying that.
This was a wonderful video...I'm also listening to clean up your mental mess by Caroline Leaf...the more the merrier right? Thanks again for all you share...I don't know where I would be without all the amazing different people sharing their gifts and experiences with all of us for free! It's very much appreciated! 🤗♥️
Very very helpful video, Thais
My DA boyfriend showed physical intimacy to me after 4 months. I hope he's becoming secure with me ☺️
Perfect video, great value in it, and so happy to hear the sales pitch at the end :)
I may be avoidant with friends and family, but I am anxious in my romantic relationships. It makes it tough because I have a hard to reaching out for help from friends and family. Can you please do a video about how DAs (and all styles) respond to a partner in crisis? My DA partner is leaving me because my needs during crisis overwhelmed him. It doesn’t seem fair to have to tip toe around the DA when I’m in crisis.
This would be a great topic!!
What's unfair is to expect a DA to things they literally don't know how to do (like be there for you in a crisis 🤷♀️)
@@nataliaturner4845 That's kinda why I asked for the video.🤷🏾♀️ It's a topic that I haven't really seen talked about. Life is tough; people get cancer, lose jobs, and loved ones die. In the midst of all of that, those of us who love a DA and have taken care to not overwhelm them with our needs normally, may not be able to keep that up when things are really hard. We may fall apart emotionally and it hurts when a spouse or long-term DA partner pulls away and can't support us in those moments. I think that DAs who are learning more about themselves and working to become more secure should consider this as a part of that process and people in relationships with DAs need advice on how to deal with the DA's response and not become resentful, especially if you love that person and you don't want to break up.
@@nataliaturner4845 you can learn anything if you want to. You can literally google how to support someone in a crisis, or someone who is crying, or someone who is sad. You can learn these things even if no one has modeled them to you in childhood.
I have a child with a DA and he's not meeting any of my co-parenting needs. I like this information but it sounds like a lot of coddling. Is there another perspective on this? Because coddling that man with how disrespectful he is to me doesn't sound like a good idea.
Literally nothing you will ever do or say gets through to dismissive avoidants. There is no tactic to break down their walls or get them to even try to meet your needs. Don’t waste your time, DA’s are a lost cause.
As always this was again an amazing videos. Thais is a mind reader!
1:00
1:58
3:08
5:56
Perfect timing!
Thank you so much for the information you share!
Thanks. This was just what I needed.
I don’t hate a DA how ever I refuse to get involved with one again.
This is a really good and informative video. Thankyou.
Thank you
Super great video! Thank you 🙏🏽🌹❤️
How do you help a dismissive avoidant trust again when they’ve had their heart broken?
Whoa. Yeah. That's where I'm at as a mostly SA with my DA triggered after a traumatic relationship I tried to endure for 4 years ended recently. I'm SO afraid of people now. I don't trust anyone but myself to meet any of my needs and I'm suspicious of this man that wants to date me who says he'll love me and take care of me. I want no part of it. But secretly, deep down, I do. But every time I've thought someone was sincere I was was mistaken and ended up being the caregiver at my own expense. I think my partner picker is broken so I don't even trust myself to make a good choice when it comes to relationships. I tend to attract insecure, needy, childish addicts that want a mother to have sex with whenever they want. Ugh.
How do you let them know it’s ok for them to ask for their needs to be met? My DA is so independent he Does literally everything himself and gets frustrated when he thinks everybody always wants something from him.
You are amazing ❤️
Thank you
It's OK to call it manipulation.
When I have a partner I want to meet their needs but idk how to. I don't know what my own needs are sometimes.
i did all this, sadly it doesn´t work. He is so nice to other people and treats me like a stranger most of the tim, then when he wants sex after 3 months he is nice during it, after that we cuddled and the days after he doesn´t talk to me for days and is distant.
Spoiler warning: you don’t
Question: what needs to be done when you suddenly get that wind of sad/angry/hateful thoughts about your ex while doing something important. Should you self soothe and take a break from your important work. Or you can process your emotions later? Or will that be internalised if not done then and there.
I saw my ex's post with a new human and I felt like how did this person who said Ilove you even after the break up moved on so fast and I am still self soothing and getting rid of the toxicity he left me with.
Before the lockdown I was an Anxious Preoccupied person that's when the break up happened and now I am dismissive avoidant leaning towards secure.
I’d think self soothing to regulate your emotions would be a great choice. And really get to the root of what’s been triggered and understand how to put words to it.
Him moving on doesn’t equal him never having loved you. That’s just a meaning you’re associating with him being with someone else.
Truth is... after breakups .. If you’ve been doing the work to heal and grow through it you can meet someone rather quickly and it work out bc you have so much experience fresh on the brain to guide you on what to do and what yo avoid.
I hope you’re doing better and are working through this thing! 🤎
what do you do if your partner says they don't need anything from you or the relationship but want things instead haha ...obviously I can see through this protective stratergy of the DA stating this ....but still any advice or guidance on this obstacle ? I am more a FA on the side of AP XX
yeeeeeeees
And if your communication is seen as nagging though you do it this way?
Hey girl, you look really different in this videoz i can't put my finger on it.. did you do something to your teeth?
Love your videos keep up tge good work 😊
Maybe the light is more natural in this video, I think a ring light has been used in previous videos which might be why Thais' face has been so bright previously
Tricking people and manipulating isnt cool.
Greeting card companies are successful because normal people know how to meet others needs .
A DA has trauma and must be kindly shown how giving and receiving love should be.
And hey, if she has pretty feet… kiss her feet if she has a fetish and likes that !
Your Videos are very informative but it’s hard to understand thoroughly because honestly you talk too fast .. other videos of other you tube channels... People talk slower and it’s easier to understand.. It would be better if your videos were longer and you talked slower.. .. thank you for taking this into consideration
I enjoy it- sometimes I speed videos up. My attention span is short haha and it goes in my brain even when people talk a bit fast
i recommend going to Settings, Playback Speed, and dropping it to .75 or slower.
@leslie you can slow it down on youtube settings
You can slow down the video yourself.
Sometimes they’re the type that likes to punish and push your buttons so it wouldn’t hurt to tell them the opposite of what you want just to make sure you get it.
they're cats. literally and figuratively.