How To Get Closer To A Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style | Romantic Relationship Advice
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For a DA sometimes falling in love is like shaking a snow globe. Their old stuff (wounds/patterns) get shaken up, activated, and they can cope with that activation the only way they know how, with their coping tools (defense mechanisms). It just feels like “how to do life.”
When a DA says “I can’t give you what you want” etc. They realize they have only ever solved stuff on their own. So, they are treating the “conflict” in the relationship as problem you must figure out on your own. They are taking a two-person job and turning it into a one-person job. That’s how they have survived being left along with big feelings in their childhood.
Both people should look at their shaken snow globes and ask: What old stories are getting activated in me? What am I afraid of? What does the other person remind me of in this moment? To become emotionally mature and available, you must move from the solo mindset to relational…the willingness to grow is needed on both sides!
Well said
Slightly over a year ago, a DA said those same words to me. This was before I discovered Thais. I didn't have the words then to be able to discuss that point or find a way through both our activated shaken up snow globes. I remember at that point feeling so lost and so acutely aware of such a huge lacking in my understanding of things and my ability to communicate.
God knows how I managed to stumble upon Thais's work (I wish I could remember that moment so I could note that major turning point in my personal development). But it truly is encapsulated in the phrases "When the student is ready, the teacher appears" and "Ask and you shall be given".
Thais hasn't just helped me profoundly, she's also helped quite a few of my friends around me.
Whoops this turned out long. But, thanks @S K for that great analogy. And Thais, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for your incredible work.
excellent analogy...but what do we do?
@@pinkette I resonate and hear what you are saying. I’m so grateful for this channel, commenters, and also those who identify with a DA attachment style that share their insights and wisdom. Back then I wasn’t ready for such knowledge either. I was operating from a really wounded self too.
@@lisawentworth6831 work towards becoming securely attached, and obviously do the coursework, and learn from Thais’ hundreds of videos so you incorporate her suggestions moving forward in your relationships. And really understand where the other person is coming from, and be able to assess if they dynamic has room to grow, is it healthy, etc
6 years with a DA and tried so hard to be understanding and considerate. Truly loved her with all my heart. Compromised who I am and put my needs aside to accommodate her "attachment style". Most toxic thing one can deal with. Completely undermined my self worth. I've come to the conclusion that its just a pretty label to excuse selfish behavior. The good news is I know to never even attempt to get involved with another DA. They're not interested in working on themselves but rather expect you to bend over backwards. No thanks.
In the same situation.
Stay strong and just let them make the next person suffer, cause they will instantly replace you then try to get you back when that person also has needs.
Its so exhausting living with FA
Ooh, have you ever been with an FA? Because I personally could tolerate DA better than FA. LOL. I'm a healed FA who recently have been in a very turbulent relationship with another FA who is unaware of his wounds. I still love him but I just can't be with him anymore 💔
Six and a half years in, and married to mine. He is extremely selfish and inconsiderate. Says he loves me but left in May and okay with seeing me once every 3-4 weeks. So painful, and honestly so weird. I do believe he loves me as much as he is capable. I don’t believe he’s seeing anyone else. But this is NOT enough. I’m just done, as painful as it is.
How to get over it? I face the same problem, but I really love him. I'm trying my best to compromise all his avoidant needs and forget about my needs. But I feel so hurt with his behavior without he notice at all that he hurt me, even I had explain to him so many times that I'm hurt and craving on my needs and he always said I'm the one who have the problem.
1. We all have principles of connection. We open up about our fears and vulnerability. Learn to take someone else into consideration, is a healthy way to build trust. Start off, “I’m not going anywhere..these are a couple of things I think would BUILD our relationship.
Needs change depending on stage.
The vulnerability phase is all about acceptance.
2. Actively say I know you need time alone...what you need to do is understand and then negotiate. You need this much space and I need this. Negotiate.
3. They really like certainty and clarity, fun and have things light.
4. Honest straight forewared and clear, and then acknowledge.
5. DA’s like gifts women more than men.
6. Hey what runs you the wrong way in relationship- often it’s losing their autonomy. Say I hear you.
7. Boundaries, conflict resolution and communication.
The very name of this attachment style SCREAMS for anyone to run away as fast as you can. They do not want help. They can't handle getting help. They CHOOSE to stay stuck in unhealthy head space.
I'm madly in love with a dismissive and I'm fearful. It's been crazy toxic with the triggers but everything about him makes me want to be better and he's changing as I do. Even if we don't end up together, someone will be happier with all this healing
That’s exactly how I feel about healing. If anything, I’ll be happier and more secure!
@@melissagarza8627 The more time apart the better. I see how horrible he was in my life and how blind I really was to it. I knew better and still allowed this disaster. I'm hurt girl but he'll never know
@@taanyahleecat8090 I'm seeing on all of these videos that people are dealing with crazy toxic relationships and blaming it on the attachment style! I just really want to clear up that someone with this attachment style isn't always going to be toxic. I'm dating someone who withdraws & shows traits of this attachment style but responds to my communication prompts very well. He's also very understanding when I communicate that this may not be long term. We are open/non-monogamous and of course, have our fears and struggles. But we are still able to find middle ground, comfort each other and work together to grow. We both are aware we may be incompatible and are open to the possibility of us de-escalating things but we are educating ourselves and doing our best to work with both of our attachment struggles. I am the disorganized/trauma based attachment style. I've already done a lot of healing but still struggle on the down low. I have a hard time communicating this to my partners and I switch back & forth between withdrawal & anxiety. I also have severe PTSD, a detachment disorder, and quite a colorful array of rocky things to navigate. I find it so much easier to be alone. BUT I am aware, he is aware, and currently we are both just trying to help ourselves & each other.
What I came here to say is, if there is toxicity, manipulation, gaslighting, etc etc (ESPECIALLY with an avoidant) - this is likely coming from more than just their attachment style. Possibly being narcissism, trauma, & much more.
Another note - our own attachment style is JUST as important as a partners. How they comingle & work off one another is very important to learn about. As some are more compatible than others. It's important to learn how yours may trigger the other's, etc.
@@ellienocturnal5322 after months of learning and healing I know whole heartily I was dealing with a narcissist. He's a sick bastard and I'm done with him and have for months. His games continue but he plays by himself. I changed all I could to remove him and continue to work on my boundaries and be a better person. This experience darkened my energy and I'm not trying to vibe this low forever. It's a gross feeling.
As a DA, it's a little funny that the person I am dating is already doing most of the things you have mentioned without thinking about it, and I guess that's why I feel so... _At ease_ with him. I don't feel stressed or suffocated, I feel supported and safe or once.
_It feels like I can finally let my guard down a little..._
Dismissive hate conflict, but hate compromise, so if they want everything there own way, then there is conflict, you can not win with these people they are victims and run from everything. X
Agreed.
True I am a DA, also das have cheating habits, I have cheated and not cried
He would Always say OH now your gonna ruin a nice day we had together if i brought up something that bothered me
100%
@@lotuswolf1518 curious, why do you cheat? My DA cheated and we have a young child. Trying to figure out if it’s worth it to continue.
Move on and live YOUR best life. Tip-toeing around a DA is exhausting and a compromise to your own secure attachment. Its all about their need to control everything that touches their world. They dispose of anyone who wants any level of reciprocity in the relationship and they habitually lie to avoid accountability. Its their way or the highway and they have no interest in meeting your needs. A serious waste of time. I tried it all and learned that my time is better spent enriching my own life.
you obviously love and care that’s why your head reading this. us da’s grew up in very unsafe environments, you don’t have to do anything with us. you will always have freedom with us, that’s a blessing.
@@ariadne6104 Balance, too much freedom and we're strangers. Kind of tough to stay in a relationship with a DA when strangers treat us better than our partner.
The fact that you're aware of your DA origins, means that you're well on your way to becoming secure already so you're not really the DA people hate (anymore). So that's good!
The DA's people vent about in the comments dont take any accountability as they rather give up and avoid potential pain than do the work
@@austinnguyen9107 true. It’s so fkn hard 😞. I now ask for security, SAFETY, and consistency in my relationships. Be patient with us - you’re right awareness is huge I didn’t know why people were feeling a certain way with me at times… I now understand better
@@ariadne6104 It seems to be the women DAs are always the ones that are changing. Mandy A’s are way different and seems
@@ariadne6104 how do I let my DA know I’m there for them without freaking them out I or enabling bad behavior?
I was so patient and kind and compassionate with my DA. I tried so very hard to make him feel safe. And he did feel safe. But ironically that was the exact moment he left. He has looked back and still does once in a while, but despite being open and affable towards him, he still runs away from me. I'm heartbroken.
@B K unfortunately, you have to believe him!
Never date a DA unless in therapy, you can not heal someone who is broken with your love, they need to fix themselves first, I've seen it time and time again and none of these relationships with this type last and are happy. Your only hurting yourself. Xx
Happened to me too :( I'm like "why did I even make the effort for him if it just resulted in me being hurt even more?"
Don't bother with them. All they do is hurt people then minimise the connection go into dwelling on it and then rebound. Then the cycle starts all over again.
Some of them are avare what they are doing to others but cant change the cycle? I have met one strong DA and had relationship with him. I felt the dynamic chaning so often they feel that they want support they love being supported but didnt know how to do the same for me even when i expressed my needs. You have to options - be patient = DA partner feels safe, get triggered, deactivate and than come back OR you can cut the person off, even when you still like them and find the person that can fill your own needs too. DA persons are very thankfull for your support after some time but will not tell you, they will tell another people that you helped them a lot they will think about it for some times and often worry. But pls dont blame the person they are not all bad people just not healed people.
She literally said: don't take twist this information to mean you should settle for breadcrumbs or DAs that refuse to negotiate with you or compromise, she's helping suggest ways of doing this in a way that isn't too pressuring or demanding on them. No one is telling you to be a doormat.
If you are vocal about your needs as AP/FA & still DA is not ready to meet them then ditch them
its not about attachment here But more about they are not willing to change or May be you are not the right person for them
As a DA myself - yes, preach!
Glad you liked this one!
-PDS team member
I get called a DA a lot too
I am SO GLAD I found you omg. My bf is DA and I am secure recovered anxious. I literally now understand why he keeps wanting short very suspicious conversations about deep topics and I had already workshoped "confidence breadcrumbs " to boost him but in a breadcrumb. All well and good but I didn't UNDERSTAND it I felt groping around in the dark. I am 100% going ro take notes and perhaps take a course. He's a good egg. I am versed in psychology ( I used to lecture in bio psychology and change) and I was familiar with the main attachment archetypes but not in this depth.
Can you enlightened me about confidence breadcrumb?
I’m also curious about confidence breadcrumbs
I have a DA friend, but it only works because I met him in high school and have known him forever. If I had to try to make friends with him as an adult in normal adult social settings, it would never happen. I’d just have no idea if he actually liked me or not. That being said, he’s one of my favorite people, and I’m glad we have the little friendship that we have 😊
I've been with my partner for 10 years. I was friend zoned early on but eventually broke through. We lived together then apart, broke up then back, been married now divorced. After 18 months apart we've been back together for 5 months. Since I have found your videos I now see some of what the problems are and were. I'm very much an Anxious preoccupied. I find myself physically anxious when she is needing space. It's now giving me thoughts that I've spent 10 years trying to make something work that never will.
How did u escape the friendzone? That's what I want to know hahaha
Leave for good asap the clock doesn't stop and the world is not waiting
@@minhosslilly4738What silly input. Yes, it takes some people 10 years to realize things. Most of us don't see people as disposable plastic cups to be used and tossed aside, we try to make things work til we're certain they can't (or shouldn't)..
Sounds like your own attachment style has been at play also... If you're insecure and not able to control that its going to push a DA away... thats as much your lack of awareness as theirs. They need space... they just do. Insecure people need reassurance. You have to both figure out how to accomadate both. I dont know the situation, I'm just guessing based on what you said but if you're not "secure" which it doesn't sound like you are, you both have work to do. It might work... but there's two non-secure energies at play here and you both need to be aware of this.
Yikes. I’m in this two year relationship with a DA. My attachment style is secure.
I’m exhausted by this. My big heart is just exhausted by this. Why can’t we just (after two years) just fall into bed together, laughing, loving, kissing, looking into one another’s eyes, say “I love you.” ?
I deserve that. My secure attachment style deserves that. After two years of being dismissed, I’m done with this. I deserve to be loved.
true man like its just narc behavior atp
I know exactly what you‘re talking about. It’s not getting better though. Make up your mind what you really want before it’s too late.
What sucks more is when/if you do decide to get over them, everyone acts like you are AP just because you start having anxious behaviors
Would a secure person really be in this kind of unfulfilling relationship?
You’re fantastic! Easy to digest and makes so much sense! Thank you 🙏
As a DA, acts of service are HUGE.
Just a quick one, do you really care about how your dissapearing acts hurt your partners or you just concerned about yourselves.. Asking you as a DA not attacking but trying to understand how yalls thinking works
@@komatsu8169 I personally withdraw if I'm feeling vulnerable. My problem is I get stuck inside my head, so to speak, so instead of asking or communicating what the issue is, I just assume it's me so I try to 'get away' before I get hurt. I HAVE been working on that and I am improving. The thinking isn't 'my actions are hurting this person' it's more like 'they haven't been as talkative as usual. I guess I fucked up again. Let me leave before I get hurt'.
@@shugadaddy4841 hi I have a question for you since you're a da, if a da keeps shutting down, what is the best way to make them miss me?
@@leann3282 I've actually improved a lot from these videos so I'm moving closer towards secure attachment. But I'd say if they keep shutting down then they need to figure out what it is that is triggering that. Until they figure that out then trying to get them to miss you is the least of the issues. It may seem like a DA is being selfish but (in my personal case) they are scared and/or just getting stuck in their head with 'what if's'. If this keeps happening and they are not actively trying to correct this then make sure you don't get hurt waiting them out. Also make sure you're not unintentionally pushing them away with too many calls,txt etc. If we feel too pressured about something, we'll run. But I am not a therapist I'm just speaking from my point of view. That being said, if someone wants me to miss them, they'll leave me alone. After a couple of days of no calls or txts I get worried and call back. That's how my friend gets my attention 😆
@@shugadaddy4841 So basically giving space would have them come back more than expected
I tried creating a safe space and told him my needs directly! But so use! He didn't care about my needs/bulldozed and ignored them! And he NEVER opened up in 20 YEARS!
I wish I had known this stuff years ago. I learned about how they are... in terms of need for space and autonomy, not naturally being empathetic or the tendency to move into intellect before emotions, but I had no idea it was about attachment style. This whole time I thought it was due to excessive recreational computer time making it so they didn't develop in some areas. Now I see it precedes computer use and that activity is part of their self soothing. But I lashed out sometimes feeling less important to them than socializing on screen.
I wish I had known earlier as well. Just please don't be hard on yourself. We aren't taught these things in school so for most it's new information. The best we can do is learn and grow from it and heal so we can teach people earlier and earlier about the role of attachment theory in our relationships.
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Hi your work is good but I don't agree with the love language stuff. My ex was quality time and psychical touch. Unfortuantly I could not save our relationship. I still would try now even after 18 months apart but I was never given a chance. Live a learn.
Same here, i always thought it was due to him being from a Communist country and that his parents were cold and harden and that's what he turned into , it all makes sense now didnt know it turned into attachment style
Amazing, super useful to deal with my DA
Thank you for this video. I’m currently Anxious Preoccupied and she’s a DA. She’s recognized the problem and started putting a wall but the wall is still not fully up yet as she is willing to fight to help herself become secure and save our relationship at the same time. This motivated me to do the same and that’s when I found out I got many issues myself that I need to work on. I want to be a better person for me now and also learn to understand and fulfill both of our needs in a healthy way.
How did she find out she was a DA? Did you just explain it?
@@captasn4359 therapy suggested the site and she took the test. Same on my end. If they person is not willing to go to therapy or try to do something for the relationship, then it’s a waste of time.
I'm in the exact same situation bro. How long (if you are there yet) did it take for her to really open up to you (secrets, deep feelings, etc)? Kinda see you as her rock, if no one else is/has been. Another question is, does intimacy become a problem or a weapon, on her side ever? Or, does romancing your way in each time work? Sometimes, that can be difficult (i.e after long day, exhausted, etc)?
The DA I was with, would communicate compromises and then just do whatever he felt like doing. Any time i would ask to talk, or understand his space and try to come back after a week to talk about an argument, he would still avoid it and be shut down. My boundaries were constantly walked over and i had to get a lock for my door because he kept taking my stuff without permission.
Hm well not all DAs are the same. Maybe the person you knew was also just toxic. Some DAs mean we’ll and don’t steal your stuff either.
I recently became friends with a dismissive avoidant person. She is an amazing person who I hope to become closer to in time.
Wow wow wow,,,you are spot on,,your quiz Said I am a anxious preoccupied,and this has been so enlightening
Great video really feel this 🙏🏽🌹❤️
This is what I'm looking for, most of the things you said was actually true and it somehow correlates to my girlfriend, the love of my life. Thank you so much for making this video. I really do appreciate it a lot. This is so much like her. Kudos!
thank you for sharing. Appreciate this insight and info.
Daaaaamn these comments are harsh asf. 😅
theyre truth from the ppl that had to date they AWFUL ppl
They’re hurt
@@kristhomas8295 by DA
On one hand they do seem to be harsh, DA's have feelings and can get triggered or hurt reading these. On the otherhand, you wouldn't know because a DA will never tell you, and all of these people are hurt because they have tried to make their relationships work to no avail.
These comments validate my experience. Without them, I would watch this video, try to no avail, think I did something wrong. These comments are accurate and DA's will suck the life out of you.
The odds are against it turning into a healthy relationship. Sorry, but hoping that things will improve with the DA if only you do this, or do that, is a fool’s errand. You can bet that few DAs are on here watching videos on how to change their insecure attachment style while we see how else we can bend to their wants and problems like a pretzel. If they can’t show up in a relationship as a healthy person, give them space by leaving. I wasted three years of my life trying to heal someone when it wasn’t my job to do so.
So true! I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, and he’s just now starting to work on his trauma, after I discovered why in the heck he is the way he is. At least he’s willing to work on and acknowledge it, which I am sure is not the case for the vast majority of DAs. They are not self aware people. I think a whole lot probably also depends on what type of core personality they have. If you have a DA who doesn’t have intuition as a dominant function, there’s no hope in them changing. If I had to give advice to someone who’s in a new relationship with a DA, with no children involved, I’d say move on.
@@katieandnick4113 did you inform your husband of his attachment style, and if so, how did you let him know?
@@yellowtheresunshine I did! I probably went about it the wrong way, and texted him a couple of Thais’ videos. It took him a few days to warm up to the idea, but now, he’s totally comfortable talking about it. He’s even opened his mind to the possibility that, while his mother probably did the best she could with the terrible situation she was, that she did play a role in his trauma, all throughout his life. He still acknowledges his father was worse, but the fact that he can say “my mom didn’t do what she was supposed to, in order to protect me”, is huge. And we’ve become closer, emotionally, than we’ve ever been. Granted, I have made some major changes myself, which I believe is what is driving all of this, but he still deserves a lot of credit.
@@katieandnick4113 I'm so glad for both of you! It is a daunting pr9for me, to inform my loved DA in some way, of his attachment style. Thanks so much for your reply.
*prospect 😊
I just love adding to the chorus sometimes: The extent of the knowledge I want of DAs beyond what I already have is: "identify, cool bye, work on your stuff, GLWT"
The issue is that they dont communicate their needs and want to leave rather than wanting to work it out hence avoidant (you talked about this in other videos. Self sabotage, avoidant in social media or games or drugs, thinking that it was the other persons issue, phantom ex, it wouldnt work out anyway etc)
Great video
Can’t change anyone but yourself work on becoming more secure and move on! Honestly not worth it too much work with little reward!
DAs are people too, just like AAs and FAs. They just take a lot longer to warm up. My best friend is a DA. He has opened up and tries very hard to meet my needs to the best of his abilities. I accept him for who he is. I am an AA, leaning towards secure. I am a great communicator, so that helps.
@@sheilacash4779 exactly we are people too coming from a DA. Just be patient with us and give us time to let all of the walls we have up come down
So love all of your stuff. Always! I try and absorb absorb absorb amen. I feel like this is at professional development level hon. So concise and clear amen. I’ll join you soon in PDS
With my DA husband his life was always in the forefront! And mine was completely unimportant! So why do EVEN more for him?
My GF is like this. She talks about herself constantly, take very little interest in me.
👏. Finally somebody understands!
Are you DA? If so, are you trying to address your trauma and how it has impacted you, or are you expecting your partner to adapt to your ways?
This is very helpful to me. You have Beautiful eyes, by the way!
- Form bond by learning "how to" meet each other's NEEDS - Learn & speaking each other's LOVE LANGUAGE
- Share your FEARS, in the relationship w/each other - Consider how to relate to each other
- communication needs to feel safe & consistent
0:53 - take them into consideration when talking to them, if you both know what the other has wounds around, take care to not overstep that.
Explicar que tenho feridas em relação a ser abandonada e indesejada em criança, e pedir que nunca me ignore quando lhe faço um bid for connection.
3:30 - say that you know what they need, validate, support it, but negotiate a compromise that works for both. They feel safe to open if the conversation is safe and consistent, and if they know what you need.
Acts of service is best for men.
“What rubs you the wrong way.” - so they open up about their fears/triggers
Pretty much you have to beg them patiently or finally put yourself first & leave
I like compliments when they’re true. If my boss tells me he likes having me as a worker because I’m consistent and I’m not gonna slack I appreciate it. I’m damn proud of my work ethic. But when another manager tries to call me a rockstar, I look at him like he’s got ten heads. Because I know realistically that I’m not the fastest. I’m not even the guy who’s always on time. And I’m definitely not the most professional person.
Well... Rockstars aren't too professional or on time. Sooo he's right 😂
So with my DA, I compliment him. I absolutely mean it, but I barely get “thank you”, if texting I’ll get 🥰 or 😊. Is it possible he doesn’t believe these things about himself? I think he’s handsome…I don’t think he sees that about himself because he says things like “I gotta grind myself up…stay humble”.
Ex. Calling him cute/complimenting his looks/outfits/etc.
I thank him if something he’s said/done is helpful or inspires me some kind of way.
@@SteelCityMagnolia it’s highly likely that’s the case. Have you communicated you’d like to at least get some form of response from him?
@@edsjourney5536 Not suuuper direct because I don’t want to seem nagging or like I’m picking a fight. I know I lean a little to the anxious side, so working on playing it a little calmer. Text, I don’t press. In person, I’ll let the silence ride sometimes; times maybe kid “mmmhmm, trying to be quiet…you know you look good” or something else silly…he’ll laugh usually or shake his head with a slight smile/smirk. I’m a goofball and like making him laugh. lol
He can be a little stoic at times…has a great smile, so I want him to be comfortable enough to flash it once in a while.
@@SteelCityMagnolia could always try “you know I wouldn’t be with you if you were ugly right?” “Unless you were seriously rich”. That might get him to crack up. I think I’m your case the best way to get him comfortable with a smile and accepting a compliment is to just keep doin it.
A DA will remain a DA, unless they go to therapy or actively aim to heal. These videos speculate the fears and lack of boundaries and self respect of anxiously attached people. You want to give them false hope that they can have a healthy real and committed relationship with a DA. But things do not work like that.
@ 5:27 Healthy relationships 101; @ 7:43 Courses to help.
I will find a new partner and start a healthy relationship in d time i could try to get closer to an avoidant! Move on guys..
Do you think a DA is being controlling when they say they need space for an indefinite amount of time and wont communicate? Wont share their inner process of what they think and feel and wont say "I need a week or 3 to process and will get back?". Maybe months? I dont get it why they wouldnt want to communicate and repair and instead talk with other people. But to just say "let me come to you when I'm ready". I dont understand that. They are doing so many other things, how can anyone feel like they care about the relationship? Maybe the relationship is lowest on the list or priorities. I hear DA gets overwhelmed, doesnt like conflict, doesn't want to stir up emotions, but how will they learn to do intimacy without emotional processing? Just have social connections that are not AS close but fulfilling enough. It feels cold hearted and shut down to not communicate, but how to help them feel like it's not exhausting or soul draining to look at things together?
It’s not controlling per se. They’re allowed to express their needs, and what they are comfortable with. What’s more important is that does this behavior sit well with you? Are you willing to allow this? Have you expressed what you would like, and how you understand they need space, but in order to feel reassured, you would like a timeframe of their return perhaps. Allowing someone space to process is healthy. Letting someone walk in and out of your life as they please, is not healthy... And boundaries need to be set around that, so you don’t end up getting hurt. Remember, connection doesn’t mean compatibility. And both parties need to be doing the work in order to make a relationship fruitful and enjoyable. I feel it’s more important to ask yourself, have you expressed yourself authentically and fully, are your needs being met in this relationship? How long are you willing to continue in this dynamic?
@@SK-no2pp I hear that. They are totally in their right to ask for space. And i think we actually had a good flow before the pandemic. We bonded. But the pandemic makes people turn to ways of coping. I need in person time. We had that consistently every week, before. We found a beautiful synergy and enjoy and appreciate our differences. There were a couple conversations that needed to happen but didn't. Yes I needed to ASK for Clarity that could have given reassurance. Or at least know where they were at. I did have concerns and made a story from actions or lack of expression from them. But I feel we were moving into secure after 5 yrs that had some challenges. We are not partners, but best friends. And do not live together. And my living situation is more stressful and I needed emotional empathy and support. Now I realize it's not that they dont care or dont want to, they just dont know how to not go into intellect. I like solutions too. But first I'd like comfort and consoling. And I Wanted to know what was going on inside them when they said little things. Anyway, I feel areas of the dynamic can change. Even if I'm the only one doing this type of inner work. They actually did amazing adjusting and stepping up to meet the needs I expressed. But I also wanted to know they wanted the connection and werent just doing it out of fear of me being upset. I am good at giving empathy and compassion if someone expresses their vulnerability and tenderness. But if they already come feeling unsafe and they feel more unsafe, thats not helpful. So yeah, I need to learn to ASK, to give and receive clarity and understanding.
@@ShimmerSoulSong You won't get that from him I'm afraid. 5 years is a long time. Your grieving and it will take time to heal from the disappointment. Trust me it's best to move forward. In times of crisis people should come closer not further apart.
They probably just distract themselves from getting close to you by seeking comfort from family and friends and putting you low on their priority list.
OK...not bulldoze. So, my DA used to say 'I want things light, I want conversations light' because his family stresses him out. I am light and bubbly. Oh, and not a big compliment...I got scolded for being too mushy on FB.
Hi! I just joined the PDS based on something you mentioned in the video about advanced courses on how to handle various stages of reconnection. Can you guide me toward where I can find that? Not seeing it in the courses. Ty!
I gave my DA partner a gift a really expensive gift and he just said thank you and went to spend his birthday with his friends I mean that can’t get more selfish I just wanted him to kiss me maybe or at least say I love you??? I broke up with him for sure it’s unbearable ✋🏻✋🏻
Because when you give something like a gift, you don’t expect something in return. You give it whole heartedly because you love the person.
@@prettymei_ yeah it’s like that but when that person ignores you and your gift that you were so passionate about that means they don’t love you...all I wanted was to see him happy a little bit...I wanted to feel my efforts are enough for him...but the message he sent to me was no matter how hard you’ll try to gain my love I won’t give it to you...like I gave it to him cuz I felt I couldn’t make him love me so I did double the effort...I was thinking if I gave him something precious he will love me...cuz he made me feel worthless all the time...” NOTHING WAS EVER SATISFYING ENOUGH “
I am anxious attachment but I need alone time to recharge as well..
Hello. I'm definitely avoidant type. Might seem rude to a stranger because I don't trust them so I'm not showing real self. But the times I did trust them I showed I'm very sensitivity shy kind honest genuine loyal etc. I see in the comments lots try hard for their partner if someone tried for me like that and at the point I trust them I would definitely be like a happy little kid from joy 😊. So you who experiencing some avoidant being rude to you. Don't let it get to you. It's not you. It's he's baggage and shitty people that gave him that. Much love ❤ yes I was talking about me. I guess I'm doomed to be alone forever oh well have to accept it somehow
You’re not doomed. Keep learning and having an open heart. I can’t promise you’re not doomed just by reading your comments. Thanks for your vulnerability. Best of luck! sending love.
Hi Thais. Thank you for all the beautiful content you give us. I have been watching your videos and educating myself about attachment styles for months now. I am clearly an anxious preoccupied and my partner is clearly a dismissive avoidant. I have tried doing everything you said but we always end up in a loop where he insists that I don't listen, despite how many times I try to show that I do, and keeps going back to the past including things that we have already talked about many times. Not to mention that he does not listen at all to my own needs and feelings. It's like he is stuck in an idea that he has of the relationship and myself and does not want to move an inch, just wants to stay fixed in the same thoughts and reactions, I feel like I am talking to a wall. I am about to give up, I am tired of trying so hard and feeling like nothing works, it has been exhausting, draining, and I know that I don't diserve this. Is there some advice that you could give that could help things get unstuck? Thank you.
Omg
I felt like I m reading about my relationship
Does he recognize his attachment style? Is he actively working on himself? You can do your part and hold space, be compassionate, and explain yourself.... but if he’s unable to really hear you. This is one sided. Connection doesn’t always mean compatibility. I know it’s painful, but you must have healthy boundaries, and make sure you get your needs/wants met as well. Thais talks about time frames in the relationship too. If it’s not moving forward and strengthening you can’t keep forcing it.
Thank you for your thoughts@@SK-no2pp , you are touching on so many important points. I have spoken to him about attachment styles, I wrote him a long letter about it, at first he seemed receptive but then the last time we spoke he he said that I was doing psychoanalysis on him and he wouldn't go for it. He seems completely unwilling to reflect on what may be his part of responsability in our problems and just keps trying to put everything on me. He just wants me to say mea culpa to everything and promise that I won't do the "bad" things I do anymore. But, as you say, I need to have healthy boundaries, be able to talk about my needs and feelings, and feel like there is some balance in the relationship. So, since I am not willing to accept everything he says/wants, we can't move on and we stay stuck in limbo world. He is seeing a therapist but I don't know if he is using that time to reflect on his role in the relationship and grow, I have the feeling that he is using it only to feel better. I suggested couples therapy but he doesn't want to, because he had a bad experience in a previous relationship. I feel like I have done everything I could but at the same time I am having such a hard time letting go. Because we did have so many truly beautiful moments in the four years we have been together, I love him deeply and I think he does to, in his own often strange way. What is very frustrating is that I have truly made a huge effort to understand him and work on myself and I feel like I could change some of the things that he finds problematic but I cannot do everything alone, I need him to compromise at least a bit. You are right, connection doesn't always mean compatibility, but it is so hard to let such a powerful connection die. It has now been two weeks since we last spoke, and every day it takes all the strength that I have in me not to reach out to him, I miss him so much. I keep hoping that he will have an enlightening moment and contact me saying "ok, let's try to make this work together".
@@vandaalmeida5919 nothing will change until he makes an effort into improving himself and has a willingness to hear you. I understand how you feel. My connection with my person was magical and strong. But it felt too one sided for me. I still love him so much, but I want that love returned too, reciprocity and mutuality. A healthy give and take.
@@SK-no2pp Yes... It has to be like that. Otherwise we completely loose ourselves. This is what was happening to me, I tried so hard to adapt that I didn't know who I was anymore. But how did you manage to really accept it and let it go? How did you deal with the frustration of having to let such an intense love go? Do you still have hope or have you managed to move on with your life without wishing that things will somehow work and waiting for that day when he says "ok, I'm ready to really try"? How did you find strength to not reach out, to stop trying?
Boy do I wish I knew about you before my break up
It would not have changed much
@@evaollie9208 i was gonna comment the same thing youre right!!!!
Thais, I wish you would explain to people that a DA is a person that has a particular attachment style in a relationship, The emphasis being 'in a relationship'. I get so many of your people commenting on my DA ,whom I am in a relationship with, that are randomly in love with someone they are NOT involved with. No, my milkman/mailman/green grover doesn't fancy me, because I am NOT involved with him! I think a lot of these girls think anyone they fancy that has told them in no uncertain terms they don't want them, are in a 'relationship', even if it is platonic...so someone they just know. Of course, men are men and if a girl is attractive they will notice her, but it is above my paygrade as a commenter to hold their hands when they are NOT, I repeat NOT, in a relationship with them, and answering their questions, which barely make sense in English! Jean jess Mommy sharlyn
Be careful! I tried this with my DA but as it turned out he is also a narcissist. All my efforts worked temporarily. Eventually he got worse.
Recently realised my baby Daddy is a DA, it has been extremely draining, am now slowly starting to be like him, which scares me like hell. I want to leave but at the same time, I don't want my child to grow up in a broken family.
Prayers to God… loads of prayers and out loud reading of the word. Trust God and He won’t disappoint. Good bless🥰
AP kinda with a DA. First two months great theb distancing started. Expressed my needs clearly (not in a critical way) and there's some effort...but..how would I clarify with a DA whether we're even together? Not interested in a friend zone
Idk if you’ve made a video about it but you should discuss if a DA moves on quickly after a long term relationship.
Depends on how invested they feel they were in the relationship
@@TheMaxymama I believe he was pretty invested. We wanted to get married and have kids. We lived together for 2 years. Been together 5.
Sounds quite serious. As a DA myself, it took me a year or more to get over a serious relationship I felt I had really invested myself into. We might not show it but it hurts us really badly. A rebound might help temporarily but it doesn't truly get rid of the pain.
My DA wife is making an effort to improve the health of the relationship. Something’s wrong though. The changes are all outward - words and actions are only because that is what she thinks what should be doing - it’s like reading from a script rather than speaking from the heart.
She remains incapable of being playful, passionate or connecting as a friend.
Do NOT go down this road if they are unaware and not working on themselves. Some people really don’t want to change. Status quo is easier. Just saying!
The answer is- you never will, don't waste your time unless you enjoy being in a one sided relationship
I Derek Michael Nickeson love Mary "Teal Swan" Bosworth.
I'm beginning to think we jumped straight into the power struggle phase. Since we met it's him stonewalling every 2/3 days. We're slightly long distance so it sucks having the phone be the only way to reach him anyway, though using Thais's suggestions from one of her videos, I did get him to end it after meeting it with understanding, but even that isn't working this time. I don't even know whether to continue because he's withdrawn so deeply in 3 weeks that I don't even feel like I can get to know the better parts of him.
I came in secure and teetered back to FA with this. Should I walk away for now?
I have a question. Does any of this advice help the person heal themselves from the problem at hand.
I give up.. Finally🎉🎉🎉
You are right😊 , i gave all these things to my wife, but my needs are still not met. She gives nothing back, 10 years in and iam broken, and frustrated
Funny you think a DA gives a shit what my needs or love languages are
🤣
What about a video on how to bring up a serious and hard conversation with a DA?
In this video you mentioned that DA's dont like excessive compliments, but you've also mentioned in other videos that DA's need positive reinforcement/positive acknowledgment for what they're doing. How do you strike this balance? How would you communicate these things in a healthy way?
Don't believe it, they love compliments it feeds there fragile ego, it's very easy to manipulate them with compliments if you know how, I do it all the time and it works. X
Simple, sincere compliments about things that you know they’ve been doing/working on or their appearance. If it’s forced they will know.
Move on with your life!! It’s a mind fk
@@brandongoldsmith1765 Exactly.
@@Miriam-ul4ke sure if they value words of affirmation. I’m a DA that prefers acts of service, so compliments really don’t mean shit to me. And if it’s excessive I become extremely mistrustful of a person.
Do Aspies tend to be DAs?
What if you present a proposal and then they don't negotiate this sort of like when you talk about out meeting in the middle they kind of don't respond but they talk about everything else so every time you make a proposal it goes silent but you communicating about other stuff.
I’m
A dismissive avoidant. I get this.
I have been trying this more open conversation/ dialogue in a very gentle way and now my DA seems to be pushing me or keeping me more at an arms length and shuts down any conversation at all pertaining to even communicating more effectively. Die this mean he’s not willing at all to acknowledge change or be vulnerable? How to I fix this now or is this a sign that he isn’t interested I fixing/ negotiating anything?
May I ask how did it go?
I wish I had known this a few months ago haha whoops
I brought you something because you're great 🍎
I have learned my lesson with avoidant attachers. I don't want to get close to one…
Can you do a video on when to approach a DA to have this type of convo.
I’ve tried text, he says he’ll call then avoids
I’ve tried in person and he takes it in then pulls away when we are apart
The only time it has worked is when he feels like he needs to make something up to me or when he himself is going through a bad time Or after sex lol
It’s like he needs to be emotionally available to receive me. Why is this and what can I do to make lasting changes?
Generally tho, he makes time to spend time with me, if I need him he is there, if i make a request for him to do something he will do it.
But if I say I need you to make time to communicate or I feel disconnected - it backfires. He pulls away hard and says he feels pressured or takes it to heart.
“i do all these things and you’re concentrating on the negatives” is what he tells me in variation
It’s hard because we are a close couple, he asked me recently to help him sign up for therapy and if I am ever upset or sad - he cannot stand it especially if i cry, i will see him tearing up. All i ask is for more communication between quality time and it gets worse when i ask.
Recently he has resulted in says hey you okay then ghosting when i respond, then he will come back couple days later and ask to see me. The problem is that I get left feeling like his fwb but i know im not. He does better then drops the ball to a worse extent...It’s quite a hard dynamic for me
Use positive reinforcement. Instead of saying we don’t communicate. Tell him you love when he expresses himself and when you guys have a heart to heart to conversation. If you criticize him, he will obviously take it to heart. Just because he does things for you, does not make him emotionally available. Empathy is learned. His love language is acts of service. Tell him what yours is, and what makes you feel valued and loved. Did you guys ever have a discussion about what you are to one another, and where your relationship is heading? Your question is answered in the culmination of her other videos. Being DA isn’t a label or an excuse to give someone a free pass so they can carry on NOT meeting your needs and wants. Your person wants to engage in therapy so that’s a good sign!
The irony is you cant bulldoze a DA. Its the exact opposite; its all about them, their comfort level.
Well, here I am again. Heartbreak Round 2 love is embarrassing
been trying that, gets 'misunderstood' and replied to with sarcasm, defensiveness, non-trust
but at times she shows progress so, being patient, but, ehhh
wondering if I should try and point out to her she has this behavior
Absolutely not worth the work. Find someone that makes a relationship easy. I’m not saying it’s smooth sailing 24/7, but if you can’t get basic needs met unless you communicate them, good luck keeping them around when things get too deep. They already have half their foot out their door.
🤣🤣🤣 you clearly don’t understand what’s going on here
Well thts 45% of the pop u jus cutting off the chance to connect with.
Yup done all of this. Bottom line....if your partner won't make the effort your just beating a dead horse.
@@lids5755 45% fine by me. Rather be alone than deal with someone who won't work on themselves.
Amen
Thanks Thais! Could you please make a video about why a AP/FA might go cold once their DA partner starts to show more attention and open up? I find this happens to me when my DA partner gives me what I thought I wanted and asked for.
this please! am an FA
Maybe you like the chase of them? Then when they give back feelings, the chase is gone
@@rachw I find chasing them to be exhausting and unfulfilling, so I'm not sure that's it. Maybe I start to feel resentment that I had to fight so hard to get the attention so I'm like resisting it... idk
@@emmalebaron4266 I totally get you, this happens to me too. We should connect perhaps we would get a better insight.
It’s diminishing returns, the more you fight to mend, the less stable the love grows. You feel less love over time.
I'm dismissive avoidant, but I just cut people off the minute they show interest in me. I will always privilege my full autonomy over anything else, but I don't hurt anyone by leading them on or dating them. I know I won't compromise my freedom in a relationship, so I let people be
Me too. Lol
it's good you know I guess
How sad for you.
@@rickcaldwell2862 nothing is more important to me than my freedom
My guess is if you are on a dating site and posted that comment, many woman would pass right by that.
Is it possible, that DA would say something like "I don't want to build a monogamistic relationship with the future with you", but says he loves me, and when I say "please, then tell me you don't want to be with me" he says "I cannot, cause it would not be true"? Does he love me and is just scared, or simply he is not that into me?
You’ll be in a world of hurt if you try and continue pursuing this person. Your relationship isn’t stable enough for the next level. You have to find the positive attributes they have but in ANOTHER person who wants to be with you.
Also means they can’t commit to you, if you like this person too much then you have to stop dealing with them. It’s a casual relationship and has no substance
🙏🏻💛🌸
why is that DA, dont know what they want
They dont know their emotions
I can’t speak for all DA but for me. Most of my issues stem from so long ago that I don’t even quite know what it is I’m seeking. I think i have a hard time not knowing exactly what I want or need in terms of a relationship because whatever it is, it’s been gone for so long I can’t recognize it when it’s around. Like the story of the soldier in the fox hole. It ends by saying he’s been in the hole for so long he thinks it’s home.
Is there anyone who has a good relationship or managed to be in a good relationship with a DA? All i see is negatives.
Aaah I thought already it would be acts of service for dismissive avoidants. It's an other reason why i shouldn't date Da's. I am independent and can't care about acts of service if anything you are supposed to do your own sht and do chores that you are supposed to do and it's not a act of love for me. Also gifts I find annoying. As I feel guilty when I get expensive gifts and feel forced to the same back. Quality time and words of affirmation is where its at for me. I don't fall for anxious people who might like that better althow the words can't ever be to much quality time can become claiming and clingy. Well everything just tells me you need to be healthy attached and fall for a healthy attached person to get the right needs met basically 😅. - FA
I'm FA and need words of affirmation and physical touch...
What if the DA has an abusive pattern? Physical, emotional and sexual…
Then get securely attached in yourself and run. You deserve better.
So why the labeling and hating? Why can't we be just different people?
She called me a red flag 😂 my mask has slipped. Shown my true colours crazy deflection. She RUN n blocked after not being able to resolve any conflict. But oh this new person can help supress all these feelings after a week she disconnected. Just not worth the hatsle
🙄🙄 I'd rather be alone
DAs aren’t terrible people. They are wounded people. Human beings gotta put in work to understand each other… if you feel disrespected and disregarded go ahead and leave but if you got it in you to look for that healthy compromise and the DA is willing who knows what can happen. There is no special clear cut answer. It’s so easy to just say “fuck em” and move on and blame and hate. People can grow and learn together. The world isn’t black and white.
I agree. Let us not perpetuate their suffering.
problem is the "finding a DA who is willing" part. But I agree, we are all human with our own problems and lens in which we see the world. I suspect a lot of secure/anxious people here only say these "mean" comments because they have tried to no avail for months or years or decades to work with their DA partners but no change occurs. It all begins with the DA wanting to change.
They are like zombies!
Wow so many people hating on DAs. Why the fuck are you watching then?
Because they've probably all been hurt by one? They're coming here for insight.
Please don't take it personally, I know there are some hard things to read in the comments, it seems to be overwhelming and on every article or youtube video online. But Anxious/secure types tend to be more vocal about this than DAs by definition, I saw from other comments that you said you were a DA, and honestly its rare for them to be on these videos. AP/Secure people (I am an anxious type myself with a DA partner) try really hard to compromise or work with their DA partners but in many cases, the DA refuses to meet them halfway or doesn't know what to do or breadcrumbs the other types and it usually becomes a toxic relationship for both parties involved unless they can both work towards gravitating to secure. I have gone through some stressful moments and have been unintentionally hurt by my DA partner more times than I can count, its very painful, and I suspect I also push them away although i'll never truly know because I never get to see whats going on in my partner's head. I have determined, after months upon months of extreme suffering and stress that I might need to leave the relationship until he can at the very least take the steps that you have taken and seek out more information and help on the DA stuff. I am more than willing to help but so far its been a one person effort (at least it feels that way, again I don't know because my partner in this situation doesn't share much with me) and I feel like i'm going to die soon if I keep getting hurt over and over. I love my partner to death, I want to be with them, but I need to work on myself becoming more secure as well so i'm not as clingy, and he has to at least try to talk to me about things going on in his life or his plans for the day so I don't keep finding out about stuff last minute. Just today I told him I took the day off from my work obligations to be with him and he had a friend reach out to do things with him, and he without talking to me first just accepted his friends offer and set me aside all day. I was really hurt by it and I don't even know if that has anything with being a DA or not, I just found it to be rude and I would have never have done it to him if he took a day off of work for me
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As an aviodant my greatest need is for my partner to soothe himself and not use me as an emotional tampon. I'm not his mommy.
💯. I'm glad somebody gets it.
Valid point, but what if your actions cause his distress in a first place?
I understand to soothe oneself but how about partnership. End of the day, you and that other person would need to rely on each other.
You can’t live alone like that for the rest of your life with that thinking.
@_tealswan
Blah,Blah, how you going to make a avoidant person communicate
Love Language for them is LEAVE ME ALONE. How can anyone ever feel close to them? This kind of person has arrested development as a very young child, & have no interest in getting help. They learned self soothing in the extreme so when they get to their golden years they still want to do everything alone. The only kind of person who could be in any kind of relationship with them they would have to be a DA too.