How To Deeply Connect With A Dismissive Avoidant! (Part 1)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ก.ค. 2024
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How can you deeply connect with a dismissive avoidant?
In this 5 part webinar based series, Thais shares the common characteristics of as well as how to deeply connect with the dismissive avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidants).
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:02:49 - Logical and Rational
00:04:39 - Slow to Warm Up
00:08:04 - Seek Practical Reasons
00:08:46 - Space and Time
00:11:49 - Open Up on Their Own Time
00:13:52 - 7-Day Free Trial
00:14:23 - Don’t Like to Feel Pressured
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LinkedIn - / 26501951
Podcast - pod.link/1478580185
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #CoreWounds #PersonalDevelopment
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Let us know if these work for you and your DA partner/friend/family member!
Where is part 2 and part 3 please?
Only part 1 and 4 is on the channel.
Im also looking for part 2?
Part 2 - th-cam.com/video/2UCyWvObna8/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
Part 3 - th-cam.com/video/hOYn2ULaMTc/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
Part 4 - th-cam.com/video/0KjKEZFGp10/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
@@kylahyland7048
If I my DA attempts to cross the no contact, I will give it a try. I'm learning so much from your content. It takes "some" of the guesswork out of the relationship which is exhausting and unnerving most times.
Not all the AP people clicking on this video even though they're burnt out on their avodiant.
Burned out to the core 🤌
Lmao. 😅
IM FA and I am BURNT OUT!!!!! But im still here....I kind of hate that about myself
Or FA haha
Lmao 😂😂
I'm DA and if I have to communicate my feelings on the spot, I tend to ramble. If I get time to process, like a day or so I can communicate very well
Tha k you for sharing this
Thanks for sharing
Secure person here Married to DA for almost 25 years. If I would have known about attachment styles, I would never ever marry one. It's exhausting and frustrating. Now, I always wonder how it is loved by a secure person. Sad.
This is so spot on. Like 1000%! DAs are almost thirsty for connection and they want nothing more than to love and be loved. They thrive with specifics and details. I remember telling my DA that I want more kisses. Or how long and how often to hug. Or what kind of life I wanted to share with him, when I was ready to commit and what that looked like. As odd as it sounds, I felt like a pet who was showing a new owner how to keep me happy.
May you elaborate? Like how do you communicate with your DA? And did your DA receive it well or shit down? How long did it take for your DA it start making those changes.
Id love to know more detail too....i am trying like crazy to communicate with my DA but the minute i bring up my needs we somehow end up with him telling me im being competitve or he gets defensive as if im blaming him and then focusing on his boundaries and needs.
Not sure how to elaborate more than that I am specific, a little blunt even and tell him what I want as things come up. I am just making it simple and clear for him to understand me. I don't know if I've ever asked him to change anything. No he doesn't shut down, If something doesn't agree with him, he can easily say No. Once, I needed to travel 4 hours out of state and he didn't want to come along. I told him, I wanted to be together in the car. So instead he stayed on the phone with me the entire drive to feel like we're together. Stuff like that.
@BlackIvy No... you're trying like crazy to CONVINCE your DA to violate his boundaries for your needs.
No, im not trying to convince him to break his boundaries at all. After I've acknowledged whatever his raised or taken accountability. My need could be something like, " I really want to hear what you have to say but it triggers me when you highlight my flaws in a critical way, please could you be a little kinder in your delivery (as an FA just expressing my need especially in the moment is hard for me) His response would be something like "I cant be responsible for what triggers you if thats not what I intended" or 'right now we're talking about my need, its unfair for you to start talking about your need" 🤷🏾♀️
My DA husband of 9 years moved to another state for a job in January. Things weren’t great while we lived together but now the dynamic is even worse. When he comes home it feels more like I’m his mom that he has to pal around with for a few days until I send him off with a Tupperware of leftovers and a kiss on the forehead. It’s been a year since we’ve been intimate. It’s a DA’s dream scenario and an AP’s worst nightmare 🙄
it must feel horrible, i hope you can overcome this difficult situation. Your last sentence, on the other hand, is brilliant. i don't know what to do: either laughing or crying?
I was in a year and a half relationship with the DA poster girl.
I lived on these videos end give 100% to try to understand her and the way she processes her feelings.
In the end we broke up and I was heartbroken and immensely frustrated, while she felt nothing.
Now I find myself dating another DA and I don’t think I have the strength left to be in a relationship with one and go through that soul crushing misery again.
History will repeat itself, if you don't learn the lesson.
Maybe do a little inward growth, work on yourself! Understanding is awesome, but sounds like you continued the people pleasing & self sacrifice us APs are so prone to...
RUNNNNN‼️🤦🏽♀️
I have the mental image of the poor AP flys stuck in spider DAs web. 🕷️🕸️🪰
Fix YOU first!! 👍🏻
Thank you, Thais! I’m an FA in a relationship with a DA. Your channel has helped reel me back from sabotaging it so many times. I appreciate your info SO much! You’ve helped me to understand myself and him so much more than even my counseling grad school classes have. It all makes sense. Working my way through your classes….Hoping this is the year I can call myself secure. ❤
as another FA with a DA absolutely relate to your comment 💜 hope things are going well with your relationship & journey to secure
@r_and_a Thank you! Yes! Hanging in there! Riding the ups and downs and learning how to handle our triggers and considerate each other. Such hard work! Hope you’re doing well too!! ❤
Thank you so much Thais ! This is spot on and thanks for everyone trying to understand us more and empathize because it's really not fun being a DA, it's mostly a lot of fear, just not shown because that's how we learnt to cope. As you said we just need space and time to feel safe, that's really what enables us to open up. I remember explaining to my ex I had my guard up just because of previous bad experiences and so I needed to take things slow, when he took it personnally but it wasn't, but he allowed me time and I ended up trusting him and opening up. The morning slowness is also so fun it's so true ! It's just sometimes we know/feel we don't have the energy and the capacity to answer "well" and that's when we close off because otherwise, any response will be off (or worse, mean ! and we want to avoid that, we don't want to hurt people we love !!) that's what space allows, us to be a good version of ourselves to connect with you the right way. Same with pressure, we've experienced and fear being criticized, pressure just makes it all come back and noone wants to feel like they're being told they're bad when they're just clueless or just scared to express themselves. I'm practicing expressing my needs with my friends and realize I anticipate being critized or denied my needs, but every time they don't criticze me and allow/validate my feelings and needs I'm able to do it a bit more, and trust people and learn to be interdependant. All of that to say, it really helps us when you create a positive environment, you can't do the work instead of a DA or force them, they'll have to want to do it, but they can do it only in a safe environment. ♥
as an FA in love with a DA i *really* appreciate those of you who are brave & generous enough to share your perspectives & experiences so that it's easier for those of us trying to empathize to understand 💜
hope your healing journey is going well!
Yeah this is really true with my DA, I find if we've had some kind of emotional episode for whatever reason, if I can then explain to him calmly and logically in a reasonable way and spell out what I need as a solution to the problem, then eventually once he's processed everything he will take everything on board and respond positively. I'm still working on calming myself and not being demanding, but I'm getting there. It's a learning curve.. It's useful to be able to recognise the importance of holding myself back and grounding myself and my Ap side too..
idk how anyone managed to get a DA in a relationship 😭😅 it’s so hard to even get that far with them lol
Yes! I'm a DA, and this is how you communicate deeply with DAs: don't. It scares the DA and frustrates you.
My DA has pulled away not only physically but emotionally also. He no longer tells me he loves me or touches me like he once did. He rarely spends extra time with me. He makes plans to fill his weekends with his friends and I’m left to find a way to cope and fill my time. I’m definitely an anxious person and codependent. I’ve been working on myself to feel more secure but it’s taking a toll on me emotionally. I have learned a lot from your videos and listen to them throughout my day.
If I can make an unsolicited recommendation, it's time to let that relationship go. It does not get any better. Unless a DA is actively and committedly working on healing their attachment style, there is nothing but heartache for you down that alley, and by the time they discard you like yesterday's trash you'll have nothing but resentment left about all the energy you wasted on them. Do yourself a favor and stand up for what you truly deserve. When we get secure ourselves, we can attract other secure people and never put ourselves through these kinds of relationships again.
Throw the whole dude in the trash before he does that to you . DAs are the worst.
Maybe write your feelings to him in an old fashion letter. However Men do go through a stage where they pull back and get cold. It's not nice when it happens and it sucks. Me personally as an AP l feel l have to fake being secure when they do come back sigh
I find that more direct, assertive but cordial and cool communication from me gets better results when they get like that. It's worked for two DA's I've dated
Really! Remind them not to take you for granted. In your situation maybe you say hey, l notice you're almost completely different from before. I respect that you need time for yourself as everyone does but I've noticed a pattern that is not working for me. I love and appreciate the time you have spent with me, the beautiful relationship we have built together. However l feel it is in jeopardy, what we have will erode over time and that's a shame because l do not want that to happen. I want to stay connected with you...l hope we can work this out. I've made attempts to reach out but you have never reciprocated. That's fine, I'll be doing what you have been doing, concentrating on my own affairs.
Don't make ultimatums but if you give them this danger signal that something will tank... Danger of losing you for good! This will get their attention mark my words! Don't get emotional, ever. Be logical about it. This might get them to chase you
They get too comfortable. They think they you have you in the corner waiting them to take you back... Show em who's boss!
But in a logical sense DA's are actually the least to meet people's need cause according to what I learned, they are the most opposite of selfless, and disconnected from feelings. So
..I am not seeing DA's meet other's needs very well, or at all most times! 👀🧐🤔
A relationship is a continuous give and take cycle. If is not reciprocity Between individuals the relationship becomes a struggle.
Thank you so much for this video. I’m in a long distance relationship with a DA and it helps to have some guidance in this area. We only see each other once every few months and he often doesn’t reach out for over a week, and while I’m very busy and distracted, once I get to the 8th or 9th day of silence I start feeling anxious. I resist the urge to reach out first because I don’t want to interrupt the process of him using space to regroup and feel ready to come back with affection and openness (which he always does). I have also confirmed that we are indeed monogamous; this is just how he processes after intense intimacy.
I‘m so thankful that you do this video. I’m not very appreciative of the judging comments against DAs, because everyone has the right to give love to those they want. And everyone has to decide for themselves hoe much they want to give and how much they are willing to accept. Of course it isn’t easiest to love a DA, if we have trouble to understand them. But why should a DA not deserve love? Thats what they have been starved of as Children already. How cruel is it to judge a child for trying to cope with neglect somehow? Its sad enough they had to find such coping strategies. We are not to judge about it, but to find our own boundaries and communicate them.
And if anyone loves a DA and wants to understand them better, that does not mean we normalize their hurtful behavior. We all can be hurtful to other people. We can hurt a DA by our as normal perceived behavior of needing instant communication and understanding… so who are we to judge?
So thank you so much for helping us understand the reaction and needs of the DAs better. Hopefully we can all move toward more secure relationships and experience a fulfilling relationship to those we love. DA or not DA.
*1,000,000%!!!!!* THANK YOU for your comment! as an FA in love with a DA am absolutely gutted when see the comments bashing rather than trying to understand DAs (get angry when see some are so disrespectful & frankly cruel imo by responding negatively directly *to* DAs who are brave & generous enough to share their perspectives &/or experiences) *really* wish the comment sections were moderated or at least people had to accept a pop-up of rules like other channels create & advised people to remember this is the *"personal" development school" so if comments should be focussing on their own development or responding in a way that encourages someone else's development (ie insulting or really even venting in a generalized way about another attachment style)
This sounds like a lot of work and exhausting to do in a romantic relationship where you want to be reciprocated for your efforts. But this video is definitely helpful if the DA is a family member or a friend.
I know my previous DA dear one is capable of deep connection and presence and I'm so grateful for the sweetness whe shared in our bond. We had playful silliness as well. There was actually much ease and fun and beauty. This logical person is still a deep tender heart and feeler. Even if she prefers to stay composed. You're right, the theatrical type passionate emotional expression was tough for DA. I will always care about this person and wish her well.
Is there a difference between how a DA behaves with friends than to someone who they might have romantic feelings with?.... I have notice how a DA has no issue having contact with friends, joking around, talking to them about their day very casual and normal .... And with me I feel they avoid me even though I try to engage with them in a friendly way and I try to connect but they just put up a wall like it feel as if they don't want to make progress until they feel like it. And this whole situation makes me confused. Thank you in advance.
Seem like we have same situation. Can we share?
@@andiaayuyes absolutely! Tell me about your situation 😅
It’s because they are romantically interested in you but they are scared/find it difficult to handle. So they avoid you because it’s easier. I would keep being friendly with them and not expect anything, just be clear if you like them and be casual about it. But definitely hold to your standards and don’t compromise on your basic needs!
I would also say try to put yourself in their shoes. Have you ever known someone you thought was super cool but completely out of your league/slightly intimidating? And convinced they would never want to be friends with you because you’re not even close to the same level? That’s what many DA’s subconciously feel about their romantic interests. They admire them and want to be with them, but they feel like they’re completely not on the same level (emotionally) and would make a fool out of themselves even trying. So they take baby-steps towards you. Also remember that they have huge insecurities and don’t want to appear vulnerable. So getting them to be close to you is basically you have to be super encouraging and patient, as if you’re dealing with a child. But you must also set clear expectations so they know what they must work on. Subconciously, they await orders from their love interest. They appreciate if you take the lead romantically and ask them favours, they tend to respond to ”acts of service”, to show you how they feel about you by doing what you ask. But you have to spell it out for them because they lack romantic intuition. It’s not easy and I don’t blame anyone who loses attraction for a DA because they require such patience and delicate handling yet give so little in return.
@@KajsaBernhardina this is a great answer! Thank you for your help. I will just keep being friendly and let things flow while I focus on myself.
@@cinemaria How did things go?
I’m loving this! This is thoroughly helpful in regards to my FA partner, who’s leaning DA. I’m secure due to how I behave, but I’ve realised I’m secure leaning AP due to how internally I think a lot about my relationship with my FA. When he becomes avoidant, it triggers my anxiety but overtime it’s began to lessen.
The good thing is, I know he thinks I’m secure and that’s likely as I’m quiet good at self-soothing , how to self-regulate and control my emotions due to a lot of inner work and healing upon myself 😌
Outstanding! Your content keeps getting better and better, more nuanced. I like it when you tell stories about your clients to illustrate points and add color. I’m getting more and more value from you. Oh, and I’m a lifetime member now. Thanks!
Thanks for your commitment to teaching attachment theory and offering the PDS platform. I've been following your work for 4 years and it has had tremendous effect on myself and my relationship dynamics. ❤
In the current phase of my relationship with my DA I show up as SA (used to be FA). I notice he feels so much more comfortable, safe and intimate with me. He stays at my house 3-4 days a week and we have a lot of cuddle time. We share much more deeply about ourselves. It is a much more reciprocal and mutual connection. The needle has definitely moved in the right direction! 😊
Thanks for sharing! Did they shift because of the changes you made in your attachment and behavior or did they also work on themselves?
@@emilyb5557 mostly because I moved towards SA. My belief is that dysfunctional dynamics are sustained by two people - insecurity reacts to insecurity. Once one person is secure in the dynamic, the other has nothing to react to. When their own insecurities do come up, they cannot rationalize your insecurity is the problem. This means they have to go inwards and notice their own insecure patterns when one person is already consistently secure. He feels more comfortable and safe in the relationship, and is also interested in psychiatric and psychotherapeutic help because he sees how coping mechanisms affect him broader than just relationships. It affects him at work too, and that is his livelihood.
@@0Demiyah0 He's willing to do the work... That's the key difference. It's more about who he is, than what you did to change him.
@@HustleHabit yes, absolutely true!
go you!! well done....so excited for what you have learned and absolutely agree with you...when people say run or stay away from a DA I think just do the work on yourself and become the person you want to be and you will be amazed at how people will come around you...super exciting
Wow!! This is so so helpful...I have been dating a seriously DA DA for nearly three years . This download about the specifics is so amazing....she disappeared a few months ago as she has a couple of other times when she gets overwhelmed but I am hoping she comes back. I am so spontaneous, enthusiastic, happy, glass is half full and "let's go" so no wonder she stepped back...I was so clueless but my gosh she is amazing and has the most extraordinary character, talent, world views, empathies, is so so considerate and an absolute joy to be with even when she has any of her very many difficult and darker days but now I can see how I can make her day so much easier by not being so ridiculously insensitive as I have so often been...
Bruh I’ve done everything give space try to explain myself as surface level and light hearted as I could expressed to her that I’m in her corner and I don’t push about anything but it seem to be pushing us further and further apart I’m broken right now I don’t want to I’m going to harm myself but I’m just shattered!
My experience is when you find an avoidant. Just let them be, they don't want to be helped or can't be. Walk away not your job to fix it.
This is exactly on point! If you poke too much too soon, they’ll either shut down or run! My bf is a DA, I wasn’t sure of his attachment style in the beginning so I was eager to learn all about him. He told me I was “coming AT him”. Which threw me way off!! 😮. I explained that wasn’t my intention at all. I just wanted to get to know him. We left it at that and I revisited that conversation later after I’ve researched his style and now I feel you’re giving me the tools to make a real connection with this truly amazing man. I am doing my own work on myself as I know why I do the things I do in the relationship.❤
I think I have a secure attachment but my ex DA has caused me anxiety and now I’m unsure which I am 😅 up until I met him I thought I was alright lol
Dismissive Avoidant here! This is helpful for me too especially since I’m dating someone who seems to be of a different attachment style.
Glad this was helpful! :)
Hi Thais, just got into the free trial few days ago and my mind is B-L-O-W-N. It was blown already by these youtube videos but the extended depth in the PDS courses is invaluable. Thank you so much. I just hope this will be taught in high schools worldwide soon.
Does she talk slower in the course 😅
I dated a da for 11 months. A constant battle for time together, for the first 6 months she would only meet 1 night a week until I threatened to leave the relationship and then she agreed to meet 2 nights a week . She seemed happier when we only met 1 night a week .
I do agree with what Thais said. I remember that ‘I am afraid doing it wrong’ thing so I don’t do it at all. When in conflict, I don’t know how to approach my partner, I will be confused and helpless, so I let them be and do nothing at all. I have a friend who is in marriage with a DA, and she said to me that she has to tell her husband how to approach her when she is mad. She said, “I want you to treat me like this this this when I get mad.” And I find it so interesting, because as a DA myself, those was my Aha moment, and from that moment I use the question, “if you are mad, how do you like to be treated?” to my date. Because as a DA, my relationship always end at power struggle stage just because I don’t know how to handle the situation. I am clueless and feeling helpless even though the relationship means a lot to me.
My ex is the same way. He just doesn't say anything, because he's afraid of saying the wrong thing. And that's his excuse for never expressing himself, either good or bad.
thank you both for sharing your experiences & insights 💜 i'm an FA who has loved a DA for several years now & though we've both grown a lot more secure in our relationship (thanks partly to pds!) i am often a bit amazed when comments increase my understanding of our dynamics throughout the entirety of our relationship 🤯
my DA flat out told me early on they usually just remove themself from a situation if they're the problem & we repeatedly encountered difficulties with our different approaches where i'd be given "space" if struggling with things despite me letting them know that just increased my insecurity *(so* wish i'd found pds sooner, lol, but grateful i at least did when i did!)
i've noticed that the more comfortable & affirming i've gotten about them having space when *they* are struggling as well as overtly (but not over-the-toply 😉) appreciating when they *do* reach out, the better they seem to respond - they've even literally asked me for guidance on what to do before which reflecting on it, don't think i understood the significance of at the time 🥴
I love what you said about asking, "Do you need time to yourself?" I like that a great deal and practise it frequently. However, I find that the avoidant may lie due to not wanting to reject.
In those cases, I communicate first, "Hey, no rejection towards you, but I need to work through some things in my soul right now, so I might pull away into my own space...but please don't feel rejected...I'm just working through thoughts so I don't get overwhelmed personally".
Also, loved the teaching of being direct, honest, and outright to grow closer.
saw an analogy elsewhere that *really* helped me acclimate to a DA needing space (as an FA with a DA for nearly 4yrs after an 18month break from after a *very* rocky 6mo or so on & off again connection i *know* them needing space isn't rejecting me but this analogy helps me keep it in context so can feel more secure about it 😇)
they said when a DA pulls back, many misunderstand it as initiating a "chase" but to consider it an invitation to "dance" so when they pull back, you do too - not as a "punishment" or control tactic but to complement their "move" & even moreso to focus on filling your own bucket so *both* of you can enjoy the natural rhythm & feel more secure 💜
Not until my DA bf walked out on our relationship out of the blue did I do research on what the hell happen did I find out about avoidant personality traits. I had no idea about FA or DA or anything of the sort. It’s been 6 months since the breakup but I miss my DA like crazy still. I don’t get that.
I'm so thankful I bumped into attachment theory and learned to recognize the different insecure attachment styles as I recognize and heal my own. While excellent resources on attachment, like Personal Development School, offer tons of great advice on how to "make it work" with these types, I use the information to stay far away from them altogether. Thankfully, ANY attachment style can be healed- but I don't need to be part of the DA's process. I thought I was just attracting narcissists. Turns out, I was also attracting DAs, which feels identical to being with a narcissist (even though it's a totally different pathology).
*When we get secure ourselves, we can attract other secure people and never put ourselves through these kinds of relationships anymore. It's nothing but a setup for resentment. Why would I put myself in a one-sided relationship ever again?*
PS. Hot tip: If you don't sleep with anyone unless you're a committed relationship, the people that aren't serious about you will weed themselves out. ;)
I couldn't have said it better myself. I agree with you 100%.
Amen I'm done with it.
That “hot tip” is one thousand percent correct! Folks, start REQUIRING exclusivity and commitment BEFORE sex!! This will definitely send 90% of people packing. That’s fine, because that’s all they wanted anyway! You dodged a bullet. Take your TIME! Go slowly and be up front about this when they attempt to get sexual without commitment!😉💯
Your comment really resonated with me. I thought that I could be this person that helps the da to heal, but it just doesn't feel good to be around them when they're so cut off and disconnected. It feels kind of boring and unfulfilling
I also agree that being with the da feels a lot like being with a narcissist, even if they're not trying to hurt you. The emotional withdrawing when you're hurting and viewing your emotions as drama is extremely gaslighting and triggering.
I love the balance of connection and space. Even when we spent all day together, we would also take space. So she and I loved to do so much together once a week and when we were home, we would be doing different things for an hour or so. And other little breaks. It's amazing to me though how we were able to be together for 10 hours doing a variety of things, we mutually wanted it. She liked connecting for that too. The issue was in between. When I'd want to communicate during the week.
I realize now she probably felt alot of pressure and needed more of a breather. I can also tell she wanted to meet needs! I remember so much goodness and if I had found these videos like 4-5 years ago it would have been so illuminating and helpful.
She DID put her phone away after the first few months of my requests. I wish I realized I knew she wasn't sure how to respond. When she'd say "I don't know what to say, I have nothing to say". I would be baffled. Like I need express empathy but she hadn't had modeling nor learned and that is one area I did horrible at teaching and modeling. I couldn't model because she hadn't been emotionally forthcoming often. If she had admitted that uncertainty I would have felt compassion and been specific AND Asked Her what she was needing. I tried. I tried to share this info just before the totally iced me out after I got upset for her showing up for others and not me. I like that she made new friends. I always felt that was important and encouraged it. I just didn't want to be ditched when new friends came along. But she would often say she doesn't need more than 3 or 4 good friends. And she was making them.
Anyway I value my solitude and alone time too. So being spacious for anothers autonomy shouldn't be too tough.
After having a break from my avoidant it gave me some time to reflect and look for a new perspective that might work.
He's had a lot of childhood trauma, parents on drugs and abusive, manipulative ex spouse and 3 kids.
Ptsd from Iraq. He's pretty much as broken as it comes and he tried to break me 😆. I think the latent anger towards women stems from the lack of emotional connection with his mother who is a religious narcissist. The best kind.
He told me early on he was an introvert etc. Needed his space. He would be able to compromise and did meet my needs.
I think we needed the longer break to figure out if we could work on changing this toxicity stuff.
The anxiety levels on his part are palpable and anxiety leads to the need to control. I do understand that dynamic.
Why I love him and why I'm willing to engage truly only God knows.
We reconnected a few months ago and it's clear to me that he comes to me for emotional support. I don't think he's a narcissist but I believe he's a severely damaged empath who has taken on narcissistic traits from his environment. That could be just me projecting my own journey...like and like recognizes one another.
I am trying to establish a routine that seems to calm down the anxiety and then I spice things up a bit with spontaneity. I call once a day. I share about my day because I'm an extrovert but I keep most things as texts because he likes to read.
Intimacy has changed from cold and mechanical when we first met to sweet and cuddly after the break.
He's been consistent and I can accommodate.
He has enough to still deal with with his family and health issues.
I'm independent and I know how to keep myself happy. We've both moved from place to place as children and never really truly experienced stability.
I've been able to establish that in my own life now at 44...he's 37 but traumatically emotionally stunted to the level of a 13 year old when his mothers pedophile husband physically abused him and she decided to send him to his cocaine addicted father while staying married to a man who then went on to sexually molest his own daughter.
This is stuff going on in Alabama.
I have a whole other background growing up and being educated in Germany where I watched my mother practically on her deathbed from trauma anxiety and panic attacks manifesting itself in anorexia.
It caused me to become an emotional binge eater.
I myself married a pedophile but divorced when I saw red flags and left...it only later turned out that my suspicions were confirmed through a warrant out for his arrest molesting his friends 7 year old daughter. I didn't have anything to go by but a hunch and so I had to deal with a whole bunch of backlash from my exes hyper religious narcissistic manipulative mother.
I feel like I'm just reliving the same cycle in life just with different characters entering at different stages.
The subconscious can be merky waters to swim in, but I'm navigating them all, which is why I have adapted my mermaid persona to remind me that I can swim deep in emotion and not drown or I can enjoy surface level commitments aswell overcoming all obstacles with compassion grace and understanding.
The benefits of having and giving space is that one can reflect and spend time as to not become too enmeshed in another one's trauma etc.
I stick by the empaths motto now...observe don't absorb which can be problematic at times.
Maybe I am myself clinging to some kind of fantasy that is unrealistic.
But as the children's song go...
Row row row your boat...gently down the stream...merrily merrily merrily...life is but a dream.
After all these nightmares I've lived...I've managed to regain my light and my love and my joy.
They ain't killed me yet and they ain't gonna.
@aqua6613 Very interesting, how is it going with him now another 4 months later??
This is pure gold! I'm dating a DA (female) and I'm a FA (male), and this is the first time I am with a DA consciously. Having these guidelines to help understand her and what she needs has already made a big difference. Thank you! ❤
Thanks so much, Thais! One of your most helpful talks so far. I appreciate all the effort you put into helping the world be a better place ❤
Lady, you kick ass! Been watching your videos for a month or so, definitely keep up the good work, thank you so much! Learning so much!
This is so helpful thank you
The webinar was great. I watched it several times.
Very helpful and informative video. I’m looking forward to part two and beyond.
Thank you so much.
I've also had people say to me "I want to do xyz, but I don't know how", so I totally resonate with that. It's good to be honest and find out how because we all deserve a great relationship :)
Another tidbit of information I did not know - asking for or receiving things of a “practical” nature. I love that. Did not realize but makes absolute sense. Thank you 🙏 ❤
Dear beautiful Thais thanks a lot for your amazing content ❤️my life is really easier after knowing you
Quality time with self and other! Wow !
Thank you for all your help. It's so important to know your attachment style and your partners to understand each other so you can help each other heal and grow and connect on a deeper level.
Thank you so much for sharing. The more I learn and the more feedback I get from others is helping me heal and understand why my AA ex broke my heart and that it wasn't personal.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years I've been searching, thought he was on the spectrum but this is 1000% him the morning routine made me lauph as a mom nothing changed for him in regards to his routine mine however changed completely
Very useful information, clear and applicable. If I had known all these, maybe my relationship with someone that I identify as having a DA attachment style, would have gone better. Of course, I also would have needed to be more secure in order to have this maturity of letting him know my needs in this super non-agressive and so articulate and assertive, mature way. I love how you explain. I think it takes maturity and responsability for one's feelings and needs, as well as for expressing them. But the tips and tricks and especially the practical, with clear, even measurable, data and the logical way of expressing and explaining those needs and actions to a DA, it is precious piece of information, and it was something I did not know. Because it is difficult sometimes to understand, not judge and, very important, especially when your own hurt comes in, not take it personally, when someone is so different from you. For me, the fact that somebody cannot even know what they feel and how they feel, is novelty. Like, in the clear way you explained it. And I have studied Psychology. They did not even teach us a lot about this theory at University. But I say this ever since I discovered your videos - this theory should be taught in schools, from a young age. It is so important to human interaction and all kinds of human rapport and proves itself a lot more helpful in life than a lot of the subjects we learn about in school. Thank you so much for your contribution to this subject, in general and in educating us about it. Blessings to you and your family!
12 collective years of my life wasted on a DA.
Glad I finally got educated on this topic so I can move on and not feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
I'm a stable, ex DA, together with an FA. He's started reaching out and sending much more vulnerable things. He still get locked sometimes, but I tell him it's ok and give him time. If there is too little communication despite my regular attempts, I do share my feelings very calmly, leave some time, and the response is good. Who knows, this might be hard for him?
I love how her voice is higher pitched so there’s very little vocal fry!! Love and need this content but usually need to use captions to avoid frustration. This one was easy to hear, thank you!!
Hi Thais! Thank you for all your hard work 💜
You;re welcome Marcia :)
I know where you're coming from with "be more specific towards the DA with timeframes etc", but actually I don't know myself how much extra time i'd even want and need with the DA or any other specifics - so to me it seems being with a DA is only possible if the other person is super put-together, calm, confident and chill, always guiding the relationship and never being allowed to falter. Sadly the reality is that I'm socially anxious, hypersensitive, insecure and not really assertive when it comes to planning or explaining myself. All I can offer is empathy, intuiton and the effort of becoming a better person than I was the day before.
all you can offer are *amazing* gifts! as an FA w/CPTSD, social anxiety, panic disorder, depression & a host of other things that mean i share many of the traits you described yourself with personally have found *both* myself & DA have grown much more secure through our relationship (partly as we both share your trait of trying to become better 😉)
so please reconsider selling yourself or DAs short 💜 best wishes on your healing journey!
Thank you for these videos. I’ve found them extremely informative, as a partner of a DA.
Ive been involved with a Serious DA for about 3 years! Its not worth it at all! Constantly trying to manage a sulking child who gets hurt and shuts down over very small things. Then put myself and feeling unmet for weeks on hold. Cant even mention any needs! Dont waste your life on DA!
You are a darling. Thankyou for helping me. ❤🙏❤️
I would love to see this done with the FA and AP as well, thank you.
Yep spot on DA here ❤
I have become an expert on detecting DAs behaviours on many different people (friends, coworkers, etc).
Some of them are extremely funny guys and I do appreciate them a lot, but I know that, as a partner, we would be totally incompatible, since they are not able to show any personal emotion. Sometimes I realize they literally change the subject of conversation if they notice it's getting a bit intimate. And always keeping the same funny vibe, despite their emotional avoidance.
That is interesting
If I get an "I don't know" about feelings and I try the 'park it' technique, my DA sees that as an opportunity to brush it under the rug. He will never reflect or come back to it and if I ask him a while later if he's had any thoughts on our conversation he'll say "What conversation? 🤔" I can't win 😞
Mr. Oblivious 🙄
Same everytime I try to solve anything it gets pushed under the rug or denied. The one time I pushed it and wouldn't stop talking about it he got physical with me . I give up now , I don't even try to discuss things
@@rachhhh9722 I'm obviously not a doctor but that sounds like he's got control of you and has you trained behave exactly how he likes you. Which is in a way that's not authentic to yourself. So basically he doesn't like you. Sounds like a narcissist and he only likes what you do for him.
Is it possible that you are overexpressing your emotions? Maybe you did that in the past and now that DA just doesn't listen because it's always the same anyways.
That’s very true. My bf does the same thing. But I remind him about it and he’s quick to change the topic.
This sounds really helpful, knowing he needs more clear and direct specifics just flipped a switch for me.
He has always been great at doing things he knows will make me happy but when I told him I wanted to learn more effective communication skills he said, “You’ve been talking to me just fine for eight years,” I should have said that I needed more feedback, even if he says he will have to get back to me on something. Thanks for so much useful advice. ❤
It's not possible to connect deeply with a DA. It feels like a cold and superficial friendship. Can't help it
To me its interesting also with what parts people like to identify with . As FA I used to be on a side of DA before
Whenever this spent a night at my place, he would leave anytime he wanted. But the 2 times I spent the night at his, in the morning it felt like he wants me to leave 😢. Which leaves me puzzled.
Thanks Thais. I'm DA/secure and feel like even when I am open, people are distant with me. Hopefully things can change
As a FA, I'm noticing that I do that with DAs too. I'll have to work on that.
I can’t find the rest of the series. Can you post the other parts of the videos up in the description of this video, thank you so much!! ♥️♥️
That's a lot of work to love a DA
I just requested that my DA please not be preoccupied with his phone when he's spending time with me. It's happened the last 2x's and it's very dismissive to me for lack of a better word.
My ex bless him, he didn’t know where he was going wrong… he said he needed me to ask for my needs specifically , exactly as I wanted, as it didn’t come naturally to him, but I felt he didn’t love me as in my head, it should come naturally to him to want to touch me if he loved me etc… then I learned we are all different.
How do I logically and rationally FEEL? It seems cold and disconnected from heart and body. When the DA I loved was initially insulting my intelligence and belittling, excluding me around others yet would joke and hug, I felt if I worked the need to prove them wrong that I have valuable things to contribute.( a queer woman of color preferring to connect with old white guys than another queer woman) I was playful to fawn and appease. Also asking for my needs up front but they minimized my attachment needs as they do theirs. Regardless I tried from many angles for them to be emotionally present and responsive. If I tried to communicate as they Ice Out they called my attempts as abuse of their boundaries. Can u see that? Where is The Way?
Thanks Thais. You put this community together. You might even call yourself the mayor of PDS.
You;re welcome Donna :)
I am FA I overcome long way with the help of this Channel and also with the great guidance of the Word of God !
I am married to DA . I think this is a great combination if they are informed of the differences and knowledge and put it into practice. It can creat a strong relationship .
1,000% agree! also an FA with a DA & have found our natural dynamic actually encourages us *both* to work on becoming more secure (thanks a *lot* to the insights i gain through pds 💜)
it's always frustrating for me to see comments bashing an entire attachment style, my heart aches for DAs who might see them & also often feel sorry for those so busy judging them rather than trying to understand
I am a DA and this is helpful. One thing I would also add is that it is not pleasant to receive too many invitations from your partner to have a "romantic night" or similar suggestions. It is really exhausting just listening to this and I feel terrible knowing that there is no nice way to say no.
The amount of pressure I feel with these things can kill my desire for closeness for a long time.
Why do they just stare at you sometimes? Like you have no clue what they are thinking. It reminds me of a narcissist so I’m confused with my partner sometimes like are you DA or narcisstic??
Might be both.
Avoid an Avoidant partner thats the only thing you need to do
Logic divorced from the heart is fundamentally irrational, imo. Because it’s missing the bigger picture.
Mechanistic solutions which void emotional intelligence… is destructive.
It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if DAs didn’t see themselves as somehow superior…
That’s really egregious and dissociative, imo.
Sorry, not trying to be triggering to anyone. But these kinds of people have done just as much damage personally as narcissists in my life. They just effected more gentle areas more extremely.
I know it’s possible for DAs to do the work but… personally I don’t have it in me anymore to give anyone like that another shot.
If a DA cannot become more… rehabilitated emotionally/interpersonally then… I don’t have it in me. But that’s just me.
How can you tell the difference between someone that is dismissive avoidant and or a covert narcissist? The patterns seem to be very similar.
Damn damn damn 👏🏼
Not if they blocked & deleted u out of their life..like what happened to me..whatever..
DAs love long distance relationship
Me and my da was close and together for a year and then she moved to her hometown back home for a new job. Communication fell off and she would cancel plans. I cut it off but said the door is always open, when you do heal up and learn how to love properly cause I am not going to keep doing this without no reciprocation back
My dog endorses this message. Shalom
And where as the Anxious person’s anxiousness comes from distance/space being too far the DA anxiousness comes from it being too close
Question for DAs. Do you ever get so nervous when you actually are talking to someone you are interested in that you forget certain conversations?
the issue is its hard to know what a persons attachment style is until you have been together a long time...... how in the world to do this right and approach the good way before the dumpster fire that informs u about whats going on?
How to do a half gainer into the baby pool
I am considering sending something to my DA ex about DAs. We are talking and I do not expect up to reunite but because I love him, I’d like him to heal himself otherwise he’ll never have a happy relationship. He may disregard but he has some self work in other ways so it’s possible he will be interested. Which video would be a good one?
I don’t think it would be well received by a DA. If anything, it would make them feel more inadequate. A better way is to share with him what you’ve learned about attachment theory, YOUR attachment style and how there are different ones. Ignite curiosity but definitely don’t expect a good, positive reactions if you start sending him hints of what he needs to be looking into.
My dumbass keeps taking them back because I see their inner wounded child and they keep discarding me. If you are a sensitive soul a DA will suck all the pureness and innocence, love in your life. I see relationships as nothing but 2 people using eachother now.
Can I be honest? I have DA traits and FA traits and I really want to change but I am so stuck on how. I am hesitant to do the PDS courses in case they dont work because I've done so much therapy and I still feel the same (I do CBT & have done it for nearly 2 years and I did counselling for around 6 years prior). I am very comfortable having deep conversations and connecting with people (dont like small talk) and am very happy to be open and honest in most circumstances. I also have meaningful and beautiful relationships with friends and family and pour so much love into them so I am not emotionally unavailable. I've also learnt how to create boundaries over the past couple of years. It sounds like I am doing alright. Yes.. potentially but when it comes to romance it's never been straightforward or healthy. Any advice from anyone in the comment section?
Hi! Just wanted to commend you for all the work you’re putting in :) that’s awesome. From my personal experience, CBT hasn’t helped me much because it’s very cognitive focused, and that’s exactly what I have decreased access to when triggered (CPTSD and attachment). I’m running on pure subconscious survival programming in those moments. I think the solution to this is a combination of working with the subconscious mind, somatic work, and nervous system regulation. I haven’t yet signed up to PDS, but from what I’ve seen in Thais’ videos, PDS really focuses on that subconscious part, with courses on nervous system regulation and somatic work as well. If what I’m saying sounds relatable at all, and you’re not (yet) interested in signing up and trying the courses, I highly recommend looking into poly vagal theory for nervous system regulation, yoga (sounds stupidly simple and ineffective but supposedly this really helps with both nervous system regulation as well as somatic healing. (The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk mentions this)) and maybe somatic experiencing. I’m still trying to figure out what would be effective for the subconscious healing . So far I’ve gotten some results by reprogramming my subconscious it’s ‘safe’ through positive experiences. It’s slow, but the more positive experiences I have, the more my subconscious mind can let go of its’ old beliefs and start trusting it’s safe.
I hope some of this was helpful to you, and if not, I hope others can chime in with suggestions :). Either way, I wish you luck, peace, strength, healing, and love on your journey!
I think, what makes the difference with PDS is that you get a view into all the points/ angles necessary to approach. It's like a kaleidoskop. It all fits into each other. I do it over 2 years now ... very avoident attachment style ... had and still have to learn to not distance myself from what I feel ... and I get realizations/ light bulbs nearly everyday.
@@dvdh4856 Wow, thank you so much for spending the time to write back to me, that's very touching and very kind of you. I will take on board what you've said as I've reached rock bottom with it. I started doing Yoga at the start of this year so that's validating to know it will help me. I have felt for a little while that my CBT therapy isn't helping me anymore so maybe that's a telling sign to move on!
Thank you for sharing your experience and well done for being brave and challenging yourself too. We will get there :)
@@wf4983 You're so right. I am ready to physically challenge myself at this point, I am so equipped with so much knowledge about attachment styles and self-awareness that I am ready to physically do something about it, hence the hesitancy to watch a course, etc. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for the reply. :)
❤️🥂
How do u know that they are taking u for granted or not? Especially when it comes to them wanting "Their Space" How much is too much or not?????
I feel that i have to accept him 110% but i am not!!
Trust even a hang nail of emotion can be triggering and not land well . This is so hard
Has anyone successfully cohabitated with an avoidant partner or have some insights? My avoidant wants to move in, dated for 4-6 months
does it apply the same when saturn is retrograde?
I'm wondering if the woman I like has these traits. I'm trying to give her space because I see she's a sensitive person who has had heartbreak before. I'd love to know what goes on in that head of hers.
What is AP?
Does look has any impact?
Do you still offer couples coaching?
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