I got out of a relationship with an amazing woman who unfortunately practiced this cycle ad nauseam. It tired me out after 2 years of going through this on a monthly basis. It was the Great Sabotage for me. It also taught me there is no such thing as “unconditional” love, because that would mean you have no self respect and allow endless painful personal attacks by this person.
Human love is absolutely conditional. But the only truly unconditional, eternal Love nevertheless gives us the freedom to choose hell if we persist down that road.
Dealing with this now, about 9 months in. Tried my best, love her..., but, she is building a self fulfilling prophecy. Keep pushing someone away when they care & just start feeling safe to allow your emotions to run free. Any sane person would run early. Guess I am not sane, definitely getting ready to run from this abusive cycle though, before I let it destroy my being. I do-not understand how they are not accountable for the lack of putting the effort in to grow up. We have all been hurt, some of us made the effort to learn & approach a new relationship with an open heart. Some obviously dwell in it & thrive in destroying the emotions of those who try to love them.
@@errolpleash7313I feel your pain. I think too: why isn't she herself reading and watching everything about the attachment styles? She wants connection so bad, and then I have to do the work, to explain, to coach almost... It seems to me a way for her to control the connection. She decides when it's there, and when she is 'too tired', 'too busy' or whatever. Before you know it, you are focussing on her boundaries, her happiness... Not being afraid to still talk about what this all is doing to you, I think is key. Whatever if that makes her uncomfortable - you need the uncomfortable to grow. And, second, that's the way she learns what her behaviour is really doing. And to my surprise, she needs that. In a way, she wants to have an impact. Well, then let her hear honestly, what that impact is...
@@mdjwbd Yes agree. To my suprise I have had a breakthrough. Only taken 9 months. Still, because I wish to learn, these videos have given me the knowledge to keep an open heart & continue. See how it goes, hopeful.😊
One thing I realized as a fearful avoidant is that one of the relationships I was in that was making me more anxious, I broke up with him without really telling him why and being vague. I thought at the time it would be better to not dig into the why to save us both the dignity of not having to hash up drama but I realized now that by doing so I never even gave him the opportunity to hear my side of things and come to a decision together on weather or not to end things and to make matters worse I realized now I secretly wanted him to respond with promises to do better for me but instead he just was like ok. That response made me feel as if he never cared about me at all but now I'm like I had made my decision so what else could he have said , anyway I overthink things so there is that. I am glad I found your channel so I can start to recognize these subconscious patterns.
Please go back once you're ready. Every discard i talked to always loved their FA enough to want them to come back and work on it together, but only if THEY want it and commit to it. That place in their heart is held for them.
Omg… my only question to myself is: why I didn’t hear this 3 years ago. It would definitely help today, as I would not be in another failed relationship thanks to mostly me … you described my whole life 😢
That fourth reason for testing. Uh oh. While I don’t feel like I do (or say) thing to create conflict, I DO feel like there times where suddenly I’m watching them like a hawk. I’m picking up on all these little things that I use as evidence for myself-that I’m fundamentally not a fit for this person. “They thought their coworker was annoying for complaining all the time? God, they couldn’t even handle the rest of me that I keep locked away. Well, good thing it’s not any of their business anymore then.” At which point I feel like I put on a mask for the rest of the interaction and go home seething. I don’t know, I just found out about this whole attachment thing. Sometimes I think I’m disorganized, but if I am, it manifests in strange ways. As in, I’ll put someone else’s needs above my own, but then hate them for it. I never ask for support from them, because they couldn’t even support me right. (I often feel like that support isn’t genuine, or is just….canned. Being told I’m “valid” makes me want to bite someone.) Thank you for the videos. They are a resource that I’ve found very helpful. Be well!
Wow. Enlightening. This was so true. I realize how this cycle of testing and shame led to so many destroyed relationships and the loss of long term partners (12, 5, and 32 years! ) I truly loved them but they could not take it anymore and would eventually leave me for their own sanity.. I would not accept that they could love me and yet they did. I could not just ease into their love that was offered. I kept testing them and no matter what they did it was never enough proof
Thanks for sharing your experience I'm sorry that it turned out this way. What advice would you give if you had to do it all over again. What would you do different ?
William I had a wife that did the same. She would not ask for what she needed in our 34 years. She finally teamed up with a couple others like that and dug up old and bizarre events that most would see as quite insignificant and used that as basis to leave me. It was extremely confusing and painful. The idea of perfect is Cinderella bs. This has casued significant issues in our family. I understand where her trauma began and it was long before she met me. She is a good woman but is still drinking the toxic kool-aid with those people. Unfortunately people like that end up eating each other. I miss one side of her but grieve the hurt side because she hurt me but also because a person cannot heal at the same time as rehearsal of toxic kool-aid. It is good you realize. The perpetrator of this behavior probably has no idea of the pain they cause another human being.
You are a great person to aknowledge that.. know very well that Jesus loves you just as you are.. This would give you much trust & security I'm happy to know there is ways of healing to secure attachment style & life turns much comfortable with people we will meat. . You can have this nice not so long jeurney because we feel something better in our lives every day. . For those you think you didn't receive their love appropriately know that years heals everything. . And if it happened even by chance to see them & said something like it was long ago .. happy to see you.. I always carry a deep respect to you & you really have a great personality (with no much connecting emotions in order not to hurt them again.. especially if they are now having their own life you must be cautious & preserve it to them with no single touch to it). . Wish you a very good life. . Would resolve everything in your & their hearts. .if you already left each other with respect or your afraid that your talk would hurt their new life then there would be no need for words. . Trust that God knows your real kind intentions & heals all of us.. ❤
100% My ex tested me all-the-time. You describe exact his technique, including: 1. Twist my boundaries 2. Challenge my beliefs and values to see if they are uphold 3. Push me to break public rules 4. Test my jealousy and closely observe how I interact with other male 5. Getting critical and get upset about minimal things 6. Mansplaining (see how I handle criticisms) 7. Remember everything that I annoyed about them then use it against me 8. The biggest one: Test my loyalty!
When you create an uncomfortable feeling around the relationship it will hurt less when you take it away - well put. I think this is why my ex told me he was go sleep with other girls when he broke up with me so I would be mad at him and hurt and let him leave
When I was first in therapy, I brought up something about my therapist that I know had been hard for her, but had nothing to do with my therapy. At first I wondered why I'd done that, but then I realized: growing up, if I was upset and went to my dad, he'd be upset about seeing his daughter upset and he'd need reassurance and I'd feel burdened. So when I brought up something difficult from my therapist's past, I was telling her something that could make her upset, to prove to myself that she would behave differently than my dad. (Of course, she did. She's good at her job.)
this touched my heart! im glad you found someone that understood you and what youre going through. Sending you so much love on your healing journey. Thank you for sharing
Thank you so much for this excellent video. I'm an FA and I hate it. I've only just this past 2 weeks, realised there is a name for how I am. I want to get better so much. I hate being constantly scared and never being able to feel loved 😢
Key things to accept : *You cannot change another person, only yourself. * Healing starts from loving yourself unconditionally no matter what. * Forgive anyone and everyone who hurt you. * Forgive yourself for Overgiving and trying to seek validation from other people in relationships and letting yourself be hurt by someone outside you. * Always be in gratitude that you know a core wound now and have an opportunity to heal from it. * First you learn to love yourself and fill your cup and then start filling other's cup from that place of love. ❤
Ive become convinced that those who are on the extreme ends of FA (extremely anxious and almost love-bomby then extremely avoidant) have BPD, specifically quiet bpd
I agree with this idea. I’ve read and watched videos whitewashing the FA behavior yet I don’t see what separates it from quiet or high functioning BPD.
@@NinjaKiller999 I find it interesting there are endless videos talking about how to support the FA and advocating walking on eggshells to not trigger them yet it’s rarely mentioned these people are highly destructive and to be avoided. Along the same lines of not wanting the stigma of being considered borderline, the cold hard reality doesn’t sell recovery courses.
@@livewires8637 Yea, while i do think FAs who arent BPD shouldnt be avoided necessarily, i suggest people look into it and cause BPD is FA even if FA isn't BPD, and a relationship with sommene who has bpd specially quiet bpd which is basically "strong FA" can scar you permanently, at least it did to me
Totally agree with both of you! I am in no way saying that you should be in an unhealthy relationship, which relationships with FA's can definitely be. I would never recommend walking on eggshells and doing everything to try to not trigger an FA partner. They have to be willing to work and heal through those triggers, and take responsibility for their pain and helaing. I do also know there are so many FA's who genuinely want to heal and be better, and that is a beautiful and brave thing. So maybe both are true.
Thank you so much for this video . I really learn from your videos so much . I found them incredibly helpful. I have secure attachment style but I was dating for many months FA man . We had many wonderful moments very special but also all of this picking fights, testing, push pull, hot cold . I want you I don't want you. Intimacy issues with so much fear . My heart really broke but obviously because I should leave on the beginning as I felt from the beginning this is toxic behaviour it's hurting me . But there was so many beautiful special moments that made me to keep continuing and give a chance . But all of this unhealthy part It was so painful to experience I was so confused. I learned trough my pain finally woke up . 🤍 your videos helping me understand and heal my wounds after this experience and my other previous relationship . 🙏 I really watched so many videos before years ago and read books about attachment styles but your videos have something really special. You talking from your experience but also your honesty and understanding all of this are really amazing I admire your healing. ❤ Thank you for sharing.
I have been in a relationship with a fearful avoiding 1 year have been looking at so many videos,this is the first one that really helped me understand everything,I always forgive it has been so hard for me,every beautiful moment turns into a trauma so I stay quiet and give her space, few days later she avoids everything that happen,only to.happen again at first I would argue with her only to make it worse now when we have a beautiful date,I don't talk to her until a few days go by she understands and I tell her I care for her unconditional
I am so grateful for you puttng up these videos❣I am trying to come to terms with the sudden end of a fantastic romantic connection with someone so wonderful I fell deeply in love with her in no time. Even though it only lasted 6 weeks, it was really deep and strong and had (or still has) so much potential. At first I was devastated, heartbroken and in total disbelief, but then I started learning about FA and realized what apparently happened. So much of what you're telling here fits and makes sense... I just feel more empathy and love for this person than I already felt before. I just wish I knew more back then and had handled this cycle better. I hope that we still do have a chance, because she's a one in a million. ❣I'll bide my time and hope she reaches out to me again eventually, but better leave her alone now.
Exactly what I experienced except the FA was a guy. I feel much more empathy now and I feel bad that he may not experience love unless he heals. Such a kind soul but with walls that come up and down when least expected. Not healthy for me.
These videos are unbelieveable helpful even for person like me who are another attachement style... the problem is that FA wont heal themselves most time when they break up with a person, my FA ex gf broke with me after 10 years and its almost 4 months exactly and she blocked me, made a new number, and blocked me on all ways only her mother is aviable...they have to be broken up to realise i have to inform myself about my personal identity where you find such videos... im so thankful for you videos! 🙏 i wish you both all the best!
Just the fact that you're interested in working things out with you partner it's amazing! People like you are very much appreciated, I really hope everything works out for you my friend! Blessings
I'm a secure, with a little anxious too, and I'm talking to a girl who is a fearful-avoidant. I could feel like we have great chemistry, and we share a lot of core values and needs matching. But I feel that she has a hard time getting into the relationship, due to all the fears she has. So I'm still standing at the door waiting for her to open. Do you have any advice? Keep being patient and waiting until she's ready for a relationship? Or should I just move on? Thanks a lot!
Wow, I don't think I've done this in relationships, but I definitely do this in other areas of my life where I felt betrayed or let down. I'm so grateful to have learned this cycle!
amazing video. So insightful. I thought before watching the video that it is about the difference between shaming cycles and just testing..I have experienced testing..but had not heard of shame cycles. After watching the video, my takeaway is the shame cycles are the underlying fuels for testing..Like FA tests for the various reasons you mentioned or to get different needs met, but before they test - there may have been a shame trigger that made them want to test -- and even after resolving the situation and getting to that happy place with the loved one - they might run into shame why the person is with them or maybe fear of abandonment that it won't last and the partner will see how shameful the FA is and leave anyways? ---which in that case leads to creating more testing and conflict so as to keep in charge of the relationship. Fear/ uncertainty more scary than actual abandonment -- so creating the circumstances that lead to the demise of the connection feel empowering. Well, I guess that's what I got, would love your feedback :) Thanks
I just came across your videos yesterday and they have really been helping me understand my style and myself as well. Im an FA & It kinda hurts to hear all this because its the truth and they resonated so much! Im grateful though because its helping me heal and move forward
@Pualine Could you please create a video for the partners of the FA on how to deal with their testing, withdrawal and shame, so as a FA partner we can successfully pass their tests. Thanking you in advance
I would accept the FA as they are, let them withdraw if they have to. Nobody withdraws forever. And the testing: i do not react much on silly behavior. Ignore it, so your person can see how childish and unnessecary it is. Testing behaviour is disturbing connection, sometimes even breaking connection. Do not try to pass every stupid test. Teach them how to have respectful, open communication instead. Be an authentic human being. Dont try to be their pet.
@@fiction589 Goodluck trying to have a mature and respectable conversation with a FA about their insecurities without them throwing a tantrum or a outburst! As a FA partner it's a shitty situation to be in especially if you're in love. Thanks for commenting and for your advice, greatly appreciated
@@samk6090 i am FA myself, greatly healed though. And I would not have taken a partner seriously who tried to pass every of my tests when finding them idiotic, irratic, and disturbing to the relationship. Basically, mirroring my shitty destructive behaviour with trying to please me. I would wonder: is he trying to manipulate me?! If you act inauthentically, the trust gets broken. So if there are tantrums or explosions, you can respectfully withdraw. It is the same like having a toddler, there will be tantrums no matter what you do. Do not negotiate with terrorists, haha . I just want to give you some hope, Sam! Focus on your self, your own health and growth. Do not give in to the FA 's destructive maneuvers, they rip relationships apart. Instead, teach them your healthy way of togetherness.
Hi.. love your amazing,helpful content.💜💜 can you make more videos about ROCD Please. It’s so difficult to know wither I'm Disactivating or having ROCD or Im just not with the right partner. or how to work through this confusion.
Lol well I was just tested by the FA I like hinting that they're in bed with another man. Sure, we're not a thing so we can do what we want, but there's something special there with us that she's clearly afraid of. Idk what little fantasy they had in their head about how I would react, but I immediately blocked them from my life. Ain't got time for those heartbreaking games. I'm an FA (leaning anxious) and I'd never fckn do that to someone. Feel sick to my stomach.
Pauliene, Can you talk about how the FA style plays into choosing a career? I see very similar patterns of choosing “the one” guy as I do with finding “ the one” career path. I used to have a business teaching and performing aerial and circus arts then became a pain and posture specialist …. I have found I have the same doubts on if this is really right for me (even though I’m very good at what I do) but just not feeling the same inspiration and love I had for my other business… I have began questioning if I actually am happy and enjoy what I do now and just not allowing that in? I’ve also struggled A LOT with the inner doubts of being competent enough, that im doing things right, and basically performance anxiety….this has began calming a bit since I started your program , but I do wonder if there are signs to see if you genuinely are happy in your career and if it’s the FA style playing out that’s telling me to keep hopping from career to career Any experience/ thoughts on this? Thank you so much for sharing. I see almost verbatim the things you describe playing out in my relationship and learning to heal it. It’s helping me so much . Lots of love !
I relate to this! Growing up, I remember thinking there has to be "the one" career path, then second-guessing myself when I chose one, then not getting attached, then changing to another path and starting the cycle over again. This came about because I was really afraid of choosing "the wrong" career path. Eventually, I learned through trial and error that I can learn from any career and there isn't just one. I also see myself repeating this pattern with certain beliefs or belief systems and sometimes getting incredibly anxious that I have chosen wrong. In other words, I don't think this testing/shame cycle shows up in relationships only.
I realised that I have a really strong desire to test. Especially now when I feel like I'm in a crash state and feel really unsafe, I'm really afraid of me hurting him, but also him hurting me and for some reason my way to assure myself is "oh but he's secure so he's not gonna trap you in any way" but then I remember all of the things he has ever said and start obsessing whether he really is or is this giving me avoidant/anxious/fearful avoidant vibe (especially that I had bad memories with anxious preoccupied). I really want to test him, say some things and see how he's reacting, what is he saying, is it in the "secure box" or not, because if not, I feel unsafe again. It feels like the whole ocd cycle with the obsessive thinking and compulsions tbh, It's also really tiring. I'm really intensively trying to stop myself from testing and I'm happy It works, but I'm definitely putting my work in it
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you so much Paulien! I can't say how grateful I am for you and this channel. Since I realised that I may not be just a dismissive avoidant as I thought before, your channel gave me so much, I can definitely say you've became kind of mentor for me. Also I feel less alone in what I'm experiencing (though it's still really alone because not a lot of close people gets me). I love you! Keep up the great work!🩷
very well explained can you please make a video about limerence like every kind of limerence about making love or being a savior or imagining being like a victim(I dont know what to call it xd) and about every kind of limerence that FAs might experience ?
I don't know the word limerance, so I'll study it and then talk about it, haha. Usually I'll look into it and think: oh THAT'S what it's called. I'll know the mechanism but not the word, if that makes sense! I'll write it down as a future video topic!
I asked my partner to stay with me or come get me as this recent hurricane was approaching. He was babysitting his 17 year old granddaughter about an hour away while her parents were on vacation before the hurricane formed. I'm 63 and don't move nor see like I used to. He left me to fend for myself. I survived physically, but am a mental mess. I didn't mean for this to be a "test," but it seems to have been one, nevertheless. I believe he failed. The relationship is over.
As someone who's trying to understand fearful avoidants, I'd also be interested in knowing what happens when you don't play along with their mind games. How do they feel? Will they withdraw?
Shame does have a purpose. To regulate one's Behavior. To be quite honest that's all fine and dandy to forgive yourself but these types actually inflict real emotional damage on other people. You should feel shame. It's not okay. It's not as fluffy as all of this in the video. This Behavior causes real emotional damage to the people that love you.
My ex-husband acted exactly like this. I think that he has very aware of it and shameful. In the end he left me and started a rebound relationship. Very destructive behaviour.
My FA ex insisted on having a friends with benefits relationship (albeit one with a guy she only saw a few times a year). I wonder if she was using that both to retain distance/lack of commitment but also testing me. It's so confusing and hard. For instance, barely days after saying how our relationship ticked all of the physical, emotional, intellectual boxes, she told me that she was holidaying with her FWB and would probably be intimate. It made absolutely no sense, but I wonder if she didn't feel like she deserved the connection we had and that led her to say what she did.
1. How did you discover you were a FA? 2. How long did it take you to heal/change ways? 3. How long did it take you to come back to your partner? 4. Did you ever lose respect/love for your partner when they did put up with the insults/pushing away and coming back instead of walking away from disrespect even tho they knew it came from a hurt place?
1. Read something about it while I was pregnant with my daughter, so three years ago, and realised this is what I had, and what I had healed for the greatest part. After finding out and having my daughter, I healed the rest. 2. Not very relevant, because I healed while I didn't know I had this attachment style, but it was around 6 years. Again, not relevant, because I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening. There is so much more known, and my online program Healed & Happy takes you through the steps, so it will go much faster. 3. We kind of broke up for one week. So one week. 4. Yes, absolutely.
I wouldn't test the feeling of my partner towards me, because i trust my senses to feel if its there, even without words. But i would test his values all the time, the way he treats his loves ones, his ex's, his peers, and i will try to assess how radicaly he can flip from being lovely to being cruel or careless
I think I tent to provocate by saying all my biggest fears and project it onto the other to give them a chance to tell me I am wrong.. But this behaviour is triggert by getting dismissed and avoided and having no clue what they feel and think and it makes me feel so unsafe that I just see this as my last chance of creating communication but also to relieve myself from what burdons me as I kinda feel it's the last time we will ever speak. But.. it appears it's often not the last time but the hurt I caused isn't forgiven afterwards. Like I said very often.. I seem to have a hack of a lot of empathy and underatanding for others defence meganisms and unhealthy attachements but it seems nobody does for mine. I seem to lash out this way as a last resort after I felt I have tried everything right and althow that helped a bit, it didn't get any needs of mine met. It feels like over giving and not receiving. I felt like I could heal my FA and I have tried now for maybe 2 years intensely but.. This part this seems to be very strongly connected to my principles.
Dit deed ik achteraf al toen ik 16 was en verkering had, me bot gedragen zo opeens.. ik begreep het niet, en zij helemaal niet. Voelde zo slecht erover. Nu 31 jaar later weet ik waarom 🙈
I don't remember doing this, at least in my first adult relationship I didn't do that, did a bit of other unconscious sabotaging/testing but my best friend called me out and made me realize 😂😅...but the FA guy I was with (well, actually right now I don't know what's really going on 😅) used to do this kind of things a lot; I really wish to know if he had an image in his head too of what reaction I should have had 😅😅😅 and expecially at the beginning, he used to ask me then if I was angry and I just reassured him I wasn't I started to think these were sabotaging/testing only later, after seeing a pattern. And a few times he came up with the "I'm bad" topic
FA persons are aware that they are testing their partner? Because sometimes it seems to me that my partner does not notice what he is doing at this time. And a few days later he regret it and than start again. I never questioned it but I tried once to mention and he competely denied it.
They might be, they might not. I was not aware of it consciously, but I am definitely doing it, mainly to see if the person can handle my lows without leaving me. But until I learned about FA (which was pretty recently and by an accident), I would not have known/admit, that I am doing it and why I am doing it.
Sigh, my ex literally did this to me weeks ago! He confessed he was seeing someone when we got together and that he left her for me, I blew up. I would’ve reacted better if he told me this in person. Then a couple of weeks later, he text that he keeps hurting people and I deserve better, also that he has to fix himself. What do I do?! He forgot my birthday then systemically sabotaged things for a month afterwards. I still feel tied to him, but am practicing no contact in hopes he comes towards me.
How's it been since your comment 2 months ago? I find the FA'S reach outs are very breadcrumby and never really get past the verbal commitments. I went through a similar circumstance where they highlighted they were hurting me, but didn't know what to do. (At the time, I didn't know about attachments) I left to keep my sanity as they'd also brought in a new person.
Hi Paulien, I hope you see this message. I want to ask what it means to “pick a fight” with someone. I am not sure if I do this or not because I feel kind of crazy in my relationship. Sometimes I will voice an opinion of mine, and my spouse will tell me to “please stop” in an exasperated tone of voice. He just dismisses what I say and ignores it. I don’t know if it’s because he sees it as me picking a fight, or if I actually am? I am trying to learn what is wrong with me. 😢
I really wonder how to work on this towards the partner. Is ecplaining your tactics ebough if you are still hurtful ? Whow to protect the partner while healing ?
Pauline thank you for your wisdom! In your experience, did you ever share your shame thoughts with your partner or was it kept “secret”? I think my ex might have had those thoughts but never told me
How should I respond to someone with avoidant personality (my brother) to get him relieved.. If he said you should not depend on me so much (while I'm really not depending so much ..he is a one who is offering help without I need to ask ) if I tell him I defenetly appreciate his help but in the same time he shouldn't be worry if he was unavailable anymore as his work & mine kept in different countries.. might he get it is as rejection?..
I completely understand your question, and it is hard to answer.. Everybody is different.. It is so kind of you to care about your brother so much you'd want to know what this is like for him, but it might be best to ask.
Unfortunately, I am not an expert on borderline. I do know that there are many similarities. I have had a few students with borderline, who had mayor benefits doing my course Healed and Happy. As it helps with resolving underlaying trauma. ❤
How can partners bring support to our FA partner? I'd love a video about this topic, I'm un a relationship with Simeone with a fearful avoidant attachment and it's been a very difficult for both, lots of suffering, lots of therapy and nothing works (most if the therapists always tells us to break up because he doesn't feel love to me, and It gets worst the fears if my partner and It causes me a lot of strees and frustración to nit be understood and helped un t'he right way...). I've Doing a lot if research to find t'he right way to help my partner and to find what can help him to heal... Which kind of specific therapy could help him? Thanks a lot and lots if gratitude for this information!
Dude this is so spot on. This is all me and I’m feeling so good watching your videos because it’s impossible living with oneself and having this attachment style. It’s exhausting, chaotic and isolating. Seriously, the hope is so special and soft. The complete opposite of what I thought I would have to do to try and heal. If you’re a FA you’ll feel this hard. And in the best way
Yes, you might describe it that way. This just shows what is behind that behavior. That still doesn't make it right, it just makes it logical that FA's do it without seemingly having any control over it. They do, however, and should take responsibility. Like everybody that is watching this channel is doing :)
This is just great!! Exactly what is going on between me and my (not in this moment) boyfriend. All I was guessing is going on, but never was able to show him that this cycle is happening again and again. I can't wait to listen that againvwith him, cause everytime he was able to really understand his action, he felt less and less guilty and ashamed and that acting out less and less because of this 🥰 Thank you so much for all you are sharing, in the last year or even two now you helped us tremendously ❤️🩹💞
So happy to hear Petra! And understanding what is happening definitely helps with the shame, which is really partly why I do this! I don't even want people to feel ashamed of what they think or do.
I got out of a relationship with an amazing woman who unfortunately practiced this cycle ad nauseam. It tired me out after 2 years of going through this on a monthly basis. It was the Great Sabotage for me. It also taught me there is no such thing as “unconditional” love, because that would mean you have no self respect and allow endless painful personal attacks by this person.
2 years? How did you put up with that shit for so long?! I am fed up with it after 3 months!
Human love is absolutely conditional. But the only truly unconditional, eternal Love nevertheless gives us the freedom to choose hell if we persist down that road.
Dealing with this now, about 9 months in.
Tried my best, love her..., but, she is building a self fulfilling prophecy.
Keep pushing someone away when they care & just start feeling safe to allow your emotions to run free.
Any sane person would run early.
Guess I am not sane, definitely getting ready to run from this abusive cycle though, before I let it destroy my being.
I do-not understand how they are not accountable for the lack of putting the effort in to grow up.
We have all been hurt, some of us made the effort to learn & approach a new relationship with an open heart.
Some obviously dwell in it & thrive in destroying the emotions of those who try to love them.
@@errolpleash7313I feel your pain. I think too: why isn't she herself reading and watching everything about the attachment styles? She wants connection so bad, and then I have to do the work, to explain, to coach almost... It seems to me a way for her to control the connection. She decides when it's there, and when she is 'too tired', 'too busy' or whatever. Before you know it, you are focussing on her boundaries, her happiness...
Not being afraid to still talk about what this all is doing to you, I think is key. Whatever if that makes her uncomfortable - you need the uncomfortable to grow. And, second, that's the way she learns what her behaviour is really doing. And to my surprise, she needs that. In a way, she wants to have an impact. Well, then let her hear honestly, what that impact is...
@@mdjwbd Yes agree. To my suprise I have had a breakthrough.
Only taken 9 months. Still, because I wish to learn, these videos have given me the knowledge to keep an open heart & continue.
See how it goes, hopeful.😊
One thing I realized as a fearful avoidant is that one of the relationships I was in that was making me more anxious, I broke up with him without really telling him why and being vague. I thought at the time it would be better to not dig into the why to save us both the dignity of not having to hash up drama but I realized now that by doing so I never even gave him the opportunity to hear my side of things and come to a decision together on weather or not to end things and to make matters worse I realized now I secretly wanted him to respond with promises to do better for me but instead he just was like ok. That response made me feel as if he never cared about me at all but now I'm like I had made my decision so what else could he have said , anyway I overthink things so there is that. I am glad I found your channel so I can start to recognize these subconscious patterns.
Please go back once you're ready. Every discard i talked to always loved their FA enough to want them to come back and work on it together, but only if THEY want it and commit to it. That place in their heart is held for them.
Omg… my only question to myself is: why I didn’t hear this 3 years ago. It would definitely help today, as I would not be in another failed relationship thanks to mostly me … you described my whole life 😢
That fourth reason for testing. Uh oh. While I don’t feel like I do (or say) thing to create conflict, I DO feel like there times where suddenly I’m watching them like a hawk. I’m picking up on all these little things that I use as evidence for myself-that I’m fundamentally not a fit for this person.
“They thought their coworker was annoying for complaining all the time? God, they couldn’t even handle the rest of me that I keep locked away. Well, good thing it’s not any of their business anymore then.” At which point I feel like I put on a mask for the rest of the interaction and go home seething.
I don’t know, I just found out about this whole attachment thing. Sometimes I think I’m disorganized, but if I am, it manifests in strange ways. As in, I’ll put someone else’s needs above my own, but then hate them for it. I never ask for support from them, because they couldn’t even support me right. (I often feel like that support isn’t genuine, or is just….canned. Being told I’m “valid” makes me want to bite someone.)
Thank you for the videos. They are a resource that I’ve found very helpful. Be well!
How wounded we must get when our partners leave us because of this constant testing and sabotage.
Wow. Enlightening. This was so true. I realize how this cycle of testing and shame led to so many destroyed relationships and the loss of long term partners (12, 5, and 32 years! ) I truly loved them but they could not take it anymore and would eventually leave me for their own sanity.. I would not accept that they could love me and yet they did. I could not just ease into their love that was offered. I kept testing them and no matter what they did it was never enough proof
Thanks for sharing your experience I'm sorry that it turned out this way.
What advice would you give if you had to do it all over again. What would you do different ?
William I had a wife that did the same. She would not ask for what she needed in our 34 years. She finally teamed up with a couple others like that and dug up old and bizarre events that most would see as quite insignificant and used that as basis to leave me. It was extremely confusing and painful. The idea of perfect is Cinderella bs. This has casued significant issues in our family. I understand where her trauma began and it was long before she met me. She is a good woman but is still drinking the toxic kool-aid with those people. Unfortunately people like that end up eating each other. I miss one side of her but grieve the hurt side because she hurt me but also because a person cannot heal at the same time as rehearsal of toxic kool-aid. It is good you realize. The perpetrator of this behavior probably has no idea of the pain they cause another human being.
You are a great person to aknowledge that.. know very well that Jesus loves you just as you are.. This would give you much trust & security
I'm happy to know there is ways of healing to secure attachment style & life turns much comfortable with people we will meat. . You can have this nice not so long jeurney because we feel something better in our lives every day. .
For those you think you didn't receive their love appropriately know that years heals everything. . And if it happened even by chance to see them & said something like it was long ago .. happy to see you.. I always carry a deep respect to you & you really have a great personality (with no much connecting emotions in order not to hurt them again.. especially if they are now having their own life you must be cautious & preserve it to them with no single touch to it). . Wish you a very good life. . Would resolve everything in your & their hearts. .if you already left each other with respect or your afraid that your talk would hurt their new life then there would be no need for words. . Trust that God knows your real kind intentions & heals all of us.. ❤
100% My ex tested me all-the-time. You describe exact his technique, including:
1. Twist my boundaries
2. Challenge my beliefs and values to see if they are uphold
3. Push me to break public rules
4. Test my jealousy and closely observe how I interact with other male
5. Getting critical and get upset about minimal things
6. Mansplaining (see how I handle criticisms)
7. Remember everything that I annoyed about them then use it against me
8. The biggest one: Test my loyalty!
Amazing concrete examples! Thanks for sharing!
Sounds like you were together with an extra-complicated diva. My God, I could not put up with this 💩... I admire your strength and patience.
Sounds to me like a lack of boundaries and a total lack of respect. 💔
That's not love at all
When you create an uncomfortable feeling around the relationship it will hurt less when you take it away - well put. I think this is why my ex told me he was go sleep with other girls when he broke up with me so I would be mad at him and hurt and let him leave
Im not crying. Youre crying. Subscribed.
When I was first in therapy, I brought up something about my therapist that I know had been hard for her, but had nothing to do with my therapy. At first I wondered why I'd done that, but then I realized: growing up, if I was upset and went to my dad, he'd be upset about seeing his daughter upset and he'd need reassurance and I'd feel burdened. So when I brought up something difficult from my therapist's past, I was telling her something that could make her upset, to prove to myself that she would behave differently than my dad. (Of course, she did. She's good at her job.)
this touched my heart! im glad you found someone that understood you and what youre going through. Sending you so much love on your healing journey. Thank you for sharing
Thank you so much for this excellent video. I'm an FA and I hate it. I've only just this past 2 weeks, realised there is a name for how I am. I want to get better so much. I hate being constantly scared and never being able to feel loved 😢
Key things to accept :
*You cannot change another person, only yourself.
* Healing starts from loving yourself unconditionally no matter what.
* Forgive anyone and everyone who hurt you.
* Forgive yourself for Overgiving and trying to seek validation from other people in relationships and letting yourself be hurt by someone outside you.
* Always be in gratitude that you know a core wound now and have an opportunity to heal from it.
* First you learn to love yourself and fill your cup and then start filling other's cup from that place of love. ❤
Romance only exists where hope for the future exists
Ive become convinced that those who are on the extreme ends of FA (extremely anxious and almost love-bomby then extremely avoidant) have BPD, specifically quiet bpd
I agree with this idea. I’ve read and watched videos whitewashing the FA behavior yet I don’t see what separates it from quiet or high functioning BPD.
@@livewires8637 100%, I've just discovered quiet bpd and it was 100% my ex. Her discard was brutal, went beyond the typical FA distancing
@@NinjaKiller999 I find it interesting there are endless videos talking about how to support the FA and advocating walking on eggshells to not trigger them yet it’s rarely mentioned these people are highly destructive and to be avoided. Along the same lines of not wanting the stigma of being considered borderline, the cold hard reality doesn’t sell recovery courses.
@@livewires8637 Yea, while i do think FAs who arent BPD shouldnt be avoided necessarily, i suggest people look into it and cause BPD is FA even if FA isn't BPD, and a relationship with sommene who has bpd specially quiet bpd which is basically "strong FA" can scar you permanently, at least it did to me
Totally agree with both of you! I am in no way saying that you should be in an unhealthy relationship, which relationships with FA's can definitely be. I would never recommend walking on eggshells and doing everything to try to not trigger an FA partner. They have to be willing to work and heal through those triggers, and take responsibility for their pain and helaing. I do also know there are so many FA's who genuinely want to heal and be better, and that is a beautiful and brave thing. So maybe both are true.
Thank you so much for this video . I really learn from your videos so much . I found them incredibly helpful.
I have secure attachment style but I was dating for many months FA man . We had many wonderful moments very special but also all of this picking fights, testing, push pull, hot cold . I want you I don't want you. Intimacy issues with so much fear . My heart really broke but obviously because I should leave on the beginning as I felt from the beginning this is toxic behaviour it's hurting me . But there was so many beautiful special moments that made me to keep continuing and give a chance . But all of this unhealthy part It was so painful to experience I was so confused. I learned trough my pain finally woke up . 🤍 your videos helping me understand and heal my wounds after this experience and my other previous relationship . 🙏 I really watched so many videos before years ago and read books about attachment styles but your videos have something really special. You talking from your experience but also your honesty and understanding all of this are really amazing I admire your healing. ❤ Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for your kind words❤
I have been in a relationship with a fearful avoiding 1 year have been looking at so many videos,this is the first one that really helped me understand everything,I always forgive it has been so hard for me,every beautiful moment turns into a trauma
so I stay quiet and give her space, few days later she avoids everything that happen,only to.happen again at first I would argue with her only to make it worse now when we have a beautiful date,I don't talk to her until a few days go by she understands and I tell her I care for her unconditional
I am so grateful for you puttng up these videos❣I am trying to come to terms with the sudden end of a fantastic romantic connection with someone so wonderful I fell deeply in love with her in no time. Even though it only lasted 6 weeks, it was really deep and strong and had (or still has) so much potential. At first I was devastated, heartbroken and in total disbelief, but then I started learning about FA and realized what apparently happened. So much of what you're telling here fits and makes sense... I just feel more empathy and love for this person than I already felt before. I just wish I knew more back then and had handled this cycle better. I hope that we still do have a chance, because she's a one in a million. ❣I'll bide my time and hope she reaches out to me again eventually, but better leave her alone now.
Exactly what I experienced except the FA was a guy. I feel much more empathy now and I feel bad that he may not experience love unless he heals. Such a kind soul but with walls that come up and down when least expected. Not healthy for me.
As an FA it was very clear and very useful, thank you very much
These videos are unbelieveable helpful even for person like me who are another attachement style... the problem is that FA wont heal themselves most time when they break up with a person, my FA ex gf broke with me after 10 years and its almost 4 months exactly and she blocked me, made a new number, and blocked me on all ways only her mother is aviable...they have to be broken up to realise i have to inform myself about my personal identity where you find such videos... im so thankful for you videos! 🙏 i wish you both all the best!
I'm a secure with a little anxious-preoccupied streak, and I'm dealing with a fearful avoidant partner, and I think this will really help.
Just the fact that you're interested in working things out with you partner it's amazing! People like you are very much appreciated, I really hope everything works out for you my friend! Blessings
@@wzlkk3ghlf091 Thanks! She had never heard of attachment styles until I came along. Even if they don't work out, she has the tools to get better.
I'm a secure, with a little anxious too, and I'm talking to a girl who is a fearful-avoidant. I could feel like we have great chemistry, and we share a lot of core values and needs matching. But I feel that she has a hard time getting into the relationship, due to all the fears she has. So I'm still standing at the door waiting for her to open. Do you have any advice? Keep being patient and waiting until she's ready for a relationship? Or should I just move on?
Thanks a lot!
@@TungNguyen-yr3gmwhat happened?
Thankszzzz! This is new to my ears and I recognise it.
Wow, I don't think I've done this in relationships, but I definitely do this in other areas of my life where I felt betrayed or let down. I'm so grateful to have learned this cycle!
amazing video. So insightful. I thought before watching the video that it is about the difference between shaming cycles and just testing..I have experienced testing..but had not heard of shame cycles. After watching the video, my takeaway is the shame cycles are the underlying fuels for testing..Like FA tests for the various reasons you mentioned or to get different needs met, but before they test - there may have been a shame trigger that made them want to test -- and even after resolving the situation and getting to that happy place with the loved one - they might run into shame why the person is with them or maybe fear of abandonment that it won't last and the partner will see how shameful the FA is and leave anyways? ---which in that case leads to creating more testing and conflict so as to keep in charge of the relationship. Fear/ uncertainty more scary than actual abandonment -- so creating the circumstances that lead to the demise of the connection feel empowering. Well, I guess that's what I got, would love your feedback :) Thanks
Yes, exactly! They seem like two separate things, but they are definitely intertwined :)
I just came across your videos yesterday and they have really been helping me understand my style and myself as well. Im an FA & It kinda hurts to hear all this because its the truth and they resonated so much! Im grateful though because its helping me heal and move forward
@Pualine
Could you please create a video for the partners of the FA on how to deal with their testing, withdrawal and shame, so as a FA partner we can successfully pass their tests.
Thanking you in advance
I would accept the FA as they are, let them withdraw if they have to. Nobody withdraws forever. And the testing: i do not react much on silly behavior. Ignore it, so your person can see how childish and unnessecary it is.
Testing behaviour is disturbing connection, sometimes even breaking connection. Do not try to pass every stupid test. Teach them how to have respectful, open communication instead. Be an authentic human being. Dont try to be their pet.
@@fiction589 Goodluck trying to have a mature and respectable conversation with a FA about their insecurities without them throwing a tantrum or a outburst!
As a FA partner it's a shitty situation to be in especially if you're in love.
Thanks for commenting and for your advice, greatly appreciated
@@samk6090 i am FA myself, greatly healed though. And I would not have taken a partner seriously who tried to pass every of my tests when finding them idiotic, irratic, and disturbing to the relationship. Basically, mirroring my shitty destructive behaviour with trying to please me. I would wonder: is he trying to manipulate me?! If you act inauthentically, the trust gets broken.
So if there are tantrums or explosions, you can respectfully withdraw. It is the same like having a toddler, there will be tantrums no matter what you do. Do not negotiate with terrorists, haha .
I just want to give you some hope, Sam!
Focus on your self, your own health and growth. Do not give in to the FA 's destructive maneuvers, they rip relationships apart. Instead, teach them your healthy way of togetherness.
Id like to see that too
Yes, we definitely need a video on this! For the grace of the partners!
Arian is a saint ❤
Oh my goodness this helped me sooooooooo much. Thank you.
Everything makes sense now.
Hi.. love your amazing,helpful content.💜💜
can you make more videos about ROCD Please.
It’s so difficult to know wither I'm Disactivating or having ROCD or Im just not with the right partner. or how to work through this confusion.
Lol well I was just tested by the FA I like hinting that they're in bed with another man. Sure, we're not a thing so we can do what we want, but there's something special there with us that she's clearly afraid of. Idk what little fantasy they had in their head about how I would react, but I immediately blocked them from my life. Ain't got time for those heartbreaking games. I'm an FA (leaning anxious) and I'd never fckn do that to someone. Feel sick to my stomach.
This was incredibly helpful for me! Thank you!
Such an insightful video! I truly appreciate you sharing your journey with us
Pauliene,
Can you talk about how the FA style plays into choosing a career? I see very similar patterns of choosing “the one” guy as I do with finding “ the one” career path. I used to have a business teaching and performing aerial and circus arts then became a pain and posture specialist …. I have found I have the same doubts on if this is really right for me (even though I’m very good at what I do) but just not feeling the same inspiration and love I had for my other business… I have began questioning if I actually am happy and enjoy what I do now and just not allowing that in? I’ve also struggled A LOT with the inner doubts of being competent enough, that im doing things right, and basically performance anxiety….this has began calming a bit since I started your program , but I do wonder if there are signs to see if you genuinely are happy in your career and if it’s the FA style playing out that’s telling me to keep hopping from career to career
Any experience/ thoughts on this?
Thank you so much for sharing. I see almost verbatim the things you describe playing out in my relationship and learning to heal it. It’s helping me so much .
Lots of love !
I relate to this! Growing up, I remember thinking there has to be "the one" career path, then second-guessing myself when I chose one, then not getting attached, then changing to another path and starting the cycle over again. This came about because I was really afraid of choosing "the wrong" career path. Eventually, I learned through trial and error that I can learn from any career and there isn't just one. I also see myself repeating this pattern with certain beliefs or belief systems and sometimes getting incredibly anxious that I have chosen wrong. In other words, I don't think this testing/shame cycle shows up in relationships only.
I realised that I have a really strong desire to test. Especially now when I feel like I'm in a crash state and feel really unsafe, I'm really afraid of me hurting him, but also him hurting me and for some reason my way to assure myself is "oh but he's secure so he's not gonna trap you in any way" but then I remember all of the things he has ever said and start obsessing whether he really is or is this giving me avoidant/anxious/fearful avoidant vibe (especially that I had bad memories with anxious preoccupied). I really want to test him, say some things and see how he's reacting, what is he saying, is it in the "secure box" or not, because if not, I feel unsafe again. It feels like the whole ocd cycle with the obsessive thinking and compulsions tbh, It's also really tiring. I'm really intensively trying to stop myself from testing and I'm happy It works, but I'm definitely putting my work in it
Becoming aware of your behavior and thought process is such good step! Thank you for sharing and very proud of you doing the work❤
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you so much Paulien! I can't say how grateful I am for you and this channel. Since I realised that I may not be just a dismissive avoidant as I thought before, your channel gave me so much, I can definitely say you've became kind of mentor for me. Also I feel less alone in what I'm experiencing (though it's still really alone because not a lot of close people gets me). I love you! Keep up the great work!🩷
So informative! Thank you for this video
very well explained can you please make a video about limerence like every kind of limerence about making love or being a savior or imagining being like a victim(I dont know what to call it xd) and about every kind of limerence that FAs might experience ?
I don't know the word limerance, so I'll study it and then talk about it, haha. Usually I'll look into it and think: oh THAT'S what it's called. I'll know the mechanism but not the word, if that makes sense! I'll write it down as a future video topic!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you so much
these are soo relatable, hundred percent! :(
thank you, very well put and so useful 🙂
Thanks for the great video. Really hit the spot for me.
Thank you
I feel personally attacked. 😂
I asked my partner to stay with me or come get me as this recent hurricane was approaching. He was babysitting his 17 year old granddaughter about an hour away while her parents were on vacation before the hurricane formed. I'm 63 and don't move nor see like I used to. He left me to fend for myself. I survived physically, but am a mental mess. I didn't mean for this to be a "test," but it seems to have been one, nevertheless. I believe he failed. The relationship is over.
As someone who's trying to understand fearful avoidants, I'd also be interested in knowing what happens when you don't play along with their mind games. How do they feel? Will they withdraw?
We don’t really play a game consciously, I would say what would help is to ask the FA : baby what do you really need right now, I am here for you
Shame does have a purpose. To regulate one's Behavior. To be quite honest that's all fine and dandy to forgive yourself but these types actually inflict real emotional damage on other people. You should feel shame. It's not okay. It's not as fluffy as all of this in the video. This Behavior causes real emotional damage to the people that love you.
Shame is incredibly selfish. It doesn’t change behaviour. It is ALL about you.
To heal fa attachment is to deal with the toxic shame of your childhood that is poisoning your adulthood
My ex-husband acted exactly like this. I think that he has very aware of it and shameful. In the end he left me and started a rebound relationship. Very destructive behaviour.
My FA ex insisted on having a friends with benefits relationship (albeit one with a guy she only saw a few times a year). I wonder if she was using that both to retain distance/lack of commitment but also testing me. It's so confusing and hard.
For instance, barely days after saying how our relationship ticked all of the physical, emotional, intellectual boxes, she told me that she was holidaying with her FWB and would probably be intimate. It made absolutely no sense, but I wonder if she didn't feel like she deserved the connection we had and that led her to say what she did.
at this point I am almost convinced that everyone with BPD has this attachment style. I wonder if it's this also applies for the other way around..
I’m convinced of this too.
I believe that FA in its most extreme form is actually BPD.
@@ZiliaVing if that person shows at least 5 the 9 diagnostic criteria for bpd while also being a FA, I suppose that is very much possible!
1. How did you discover you were a FA?
2. How long did it take you to heal/change ways?
3. How long did it take you to come back to your partner?
4. Did you ever lose respect/love for your partner when they did put up with the insults/pushing away and coming back instead of walking away from disrespect even tho they knew it came from a hurt place?
1. Read something about it while I was pregnant with my daughter, so three years ago, and realised this is what I had, and what I had healed for the greatest part. After finding out and having my daughter, I healed the rest.
2. Not very relevant, because I healed while I didn't know I had this attachment style, but it was around 6 years. Again, not relevant, because I had no idea what I was doing or what was happening. There is so much more known, and my online program Healed & Happy takes you through the steps, so it will go much faster.
3. We kind of broke up for one week. So one week.
4. Yes, absolutely.
I wouldn't test the feeling of my partner towards me, because i trust my senses to feel if its there, even without words. But i would test his values all the time, the way he treats his loves ones, his ex's, his peers, and i will try to assess how radicaly he can flip from being lovely to being cruel or careless
I think I tent to provocate by saying all my biggest fears and project it onto the other to give them a chance to tell me I am wrong.. But this behaviour is triggert by getting dismissed and avoided and having no clue what they feel and think and it makes me feel so unsafe that I just see this as my last chance of creating communication but also to relieve myself from what burdons me as I kinda feel it's the last time we will ever speak. But.. it appears it's often not the last time but the hurt I caused isn't forgiven afterwards. Like I said very often.. I seem to have a hack of a lot of empathy and underatanding for others defence meganisms and unhealthy attachements but it seems nobody does for mine. I seem to lash out this way as a last resort after I felt I have tried everything right and althow that helped a bit, it didn't get any needs of mine met. It feels like over giving and not receiving. I felt like I could heal my FA and I have tried now for maybe 2 years intensely but.. This part this seems to be very strongly connected to my principles.
Would an FA deactivated or shut down if they had done something on a vacation like cheating maybe?
Dit deed ik achteraf al toen ik 16 was en verkering had, me bot gedragen zo opeens.. ik begreep het niet, en zij helemaal niet. Voelde zo slecht erover. Nu 31 jaar later weet ik waarom 🙈
How do you get an FA back that pushes away, saying they “have one foot in one out and not fair to me, that I deserve the best”
I don't remember doing this, at least in my first adult relationship I didn't do that, did a bit of other unconscious sabotaging/testing but my best friend called me out and made me realize 😂😅...but the FA guy I was with (well, actually right now I don't know what's really going on 😅) used to do this kind of things a lot; I really wish to know if he had an image in his head too of what reaction I should have had 😅😅😅 and expecially at the beginning, he used to ask me then if I was angry and I just reassured him I wasn't
I started to think these were sabotaging/testing only later, after seeing a pattern.
And a few times he came up with the "I'm bad" topic
FA persons are aware that they are testing their partner? Because sometimes it seems to me that my partner does not notice what he is doing at this time. And a few days later he regret it and than start again. I never questioned it but I tried once to mention and he competely denied it.
They might be, they might not. I was not aware of it consciously, but I am definitely doing it, mainly to see if the person can handle my lows without leaving me. But until I learned about FA (which was pretty recently and by an accident), I would not have known/admit, that I am doing it and why I am doing it.
Sigh, my ex literally did this to me weeks ago! He confessed he was seeing someone when we got together and that he left her for me, I blew up. I would’ve reacted better if he told me this in person. Then a couple of weeks later, he text that he keeps hurting people and I deserve better, also that he has to fix himself. What do I do?! He forgot my birthday then systemically sabotaged things for a month afterwards. I still feel tied to him, but am practicing no contact in hopes he comes towards me.
How's it been since your comment 2 months ago?
I find the FA'S reach outs are very breadcrumby and never really get past the verbal commitments.
I went through a similar circumstance where they highlighted they were hurting me, but didn't know what to do. (At the time, I didn't know about attachments) I left to keep my sanity as they'd also brought in a new person.
Could blocking, unblocking and blocking again be an example of ‘testing’?
In a way, we are confused sometimes about what we want. But we want a reaction that we have in a head
Can the FA spend time with their daughters and be okay while pushing me away? How are they with their kids?
Hi Paulien, I hope you see this message. I want to ask what it means to “pick a fight” with someone. I am not sure if I do this or not because I feel kind of crazy in my relationship. Sometimes I will voice an opinion of mine, and my spouse will tell me to “please stop” in an exasperated tone of voice. He just dismisses what I say and ignores it. I don’t know if it’s because he sees it as me picking a fight, or if I actually am? I am trying to learn what is wrong with me. 😢
I really wonder how to work on this towards the partner. Is ecplaining your tactics ebough if you are still hurtful ? Whow to protect the partner while healing ?
Pauline thank you for your wisdom! In your experience, did you ever share your shame thoughts with your partner or was it kept “secret”? I think my ex might have had those thoughts but never told me
How should I respond to someone with avoidant personality (my brother) to get him relieved.. If he said you should not depend on me so much (while I'm really not depending so much ..he is a one who is offering help without I need to ask ) if I tell him I defenetly appreciate his help but in the same time he shouldn't be worry if he was unavailable anymore as his work & mine kept in different countries.. might he get it is as rejection?..
I completely understand your question, and it is hard to answer.. Everybody is different.. It is so kind of you to care about your brother so much you'd want to know what this is like for him, but it might be best to ask.
It sound extremely manipulative and childish
Its never accepted to fuck with people's emotions intentionally
Is it the same in the crushing phase?
Do you know what the diffrence between avoidant AS and borderline is? I have borderline and this seems alot like it too.
Unfortunately, I am not an expert on borderline. I do know that there are many
similarities. I have had a few students with borderline, who had mayor benefits doing my course Healed and Happy. As it helps with resolving underlaying trauma. ❤
Well the should is only the good, the should not is pain.
So what can the partner do? Can you help the partner side on how to handle?
I have made a video about this!
th-cam.com/video/4h3cby1SgOA/w-d-xo.html
How can partners bring support to our FA partner? I'd love a video about this topic, I'm un a relationship with Simeone with a fearful avoidant attachment and it's been a very difficult for both, lots of suffering, lots of therapy and nothing works (most if the therapists always tells us to break up because he doesn't feel love to me, and It gets worst the fears if my partner and It causes me a lot of strees and frustración to nit be understood and helped un t'he right way...). I've Doing a lot if research to find t'he right way to help my partner and to find what can help him to heal... Which kind of specific therapy could help him? Thanks a lot and lots if gratitude for this information!
Hi! I've made a whole video on this! You can watch it here: th-cam.com/video/4h3cby1SgOA/w-d-xo.html
Dude this is so spot on. This is all me and I’m feeling so good watching your videos because it’s impossible living with oneself and having this attachment style. It’s exhausting, chaotic and isolating. Seriously, the hope is so special and soft. The complete opposite of what I thought I would have to do to try and heal. If you’re a FA you’ll feel this hard. And in the best way
Honestly a lot of this sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder which there’s a lot of overlap between it and being an FA.
Yes, there's a strong correlation between BPD and FA.
Exactly 😂
not just my partner . friends . co-workers . anyone and everyone . push push push push push
Just because you recognize your bad, self serving behavior doesn't make you a victim. Grow up and show some respect.
Sounds like: creating drama and being manipulative 😄🤫🤪
Yes, you might describe it that way. This just shows what is behind that behavior. That still doesn't make it right, it just makes it logical that FA's do it without seemingly having any control over it. They do, however, and should take responsibility. Like everybody that is watching this channel is doing :)
This is just great!! Exactly what is going on between me and my (not in this moment) boyfriend. All I was guessing is going on, but never was able to show him that this cycle is happening again and again. I can't wait to listen that againvwith him, cause everytime he was able to really understand his action, he felt less and less guilty and ashamed and that acting out less and less because of this 🥰
Thank you so much for all you are sharing, in the last year or even two now you helped us tremendously ❤️🩹💞
So happy to hear Petra! And understanding what is happening definitely helps with the shame, which is really partly why I do this! I don't even want people to feel ashamed of what they think or do.