"This will not make you who you are. You already are who you are." Wise words for all of us, trans or not. You are a beautiful, wonderful person. Thank you.
I think the illusion that is sold to some people in the concept of transitioning is the belief that cisgender people are vastly more happy and self-confident simply because they don't have that additional "noise" in their life, but you can find miserable cisgender people struggling to find their identity everywhere. Successfully passing from one gender to another means having to come to terms with the new insecurities that your gender commonly faces everyday, it doesn't mean an end to insecurity.
"To be the hybrid that I was born to be." Yes, yes and thousand times YES. You are telling my life story and I'm over 60. Bless you for your truth. :-)
I understand your point but hey for me is kinda the opposite. When I look in the mirror I don't recognise who I see (before Transition). Inside I am male and on the days I look more masculine I start to recognise my self. As a physical representation of my inner self.
I'm no youngster... I'm probably old enough to be your parental unit! But this video really touched me, and I appreciate the fact that you made it! I quit T and threw out the notion of "passing" years ago. Genuine self-expression, comfort with my body, and security in my identity are way more important than trying to not appear "female" to society. I've gone in a controversial direction in my journey (that I'll probably get shit for by the trans community) because I wear skirts and make-up. But that doesn't mean I'm de-transitioning at all! Quite the contrary. I'm having bottom surgery in 2016! I also have no desire to erase my past. 37 years of suffering while growing up being labeled "female", and 4 years of going through transition, have shaped who I am today. And I love who I am! I've had more growth, courage, wisdom, and strength that I ever thought was possible! That's because the entire journey of my life, transition included, has changed me into someone I'm proud of. How could I erase that? Why would I erase that? I'm under no illusions--I know I'm not ever gonna be cis. I'm aware that I'm never gonna know what body/mind congruence feels like. I know that I'm not ever gonna "pass". I know I'm not gonna wipe out the way I was socialized, nor do I want to bother with trying. So I may as well live my life the way I want, and just be myself. Some won't accept that. I don't give a fuck. This is my life! At the end of the day, I can say that travelling on the path that's right for me is more important than pleasing anyone, more important than making people less uncomfortable, more important than helping folks feel less confused about my gender identity/gender expression, and more important than trying to make people understand why I live the way I do! Yes, I feel alone sometimes... but aren't we all alone to a certain degree? I mean, honestly who gets me more than me? Ummm... nobody!
Skye Taylor I regret years of losing my spontaneity and personality when I realized I was different because people treated me how I considered to be really strange starting when I was twelve and I didn't understand it because I didn't know that this is the way women like to be treated. I stopped having fun and socializing and I could have done so many crazy things had I been myself and been so goofy and happy. I never realized when I was little that "women" exist because I thought they were just basically men with different private parts and they wear different things. I was so frustrated to see that people would not treat me the way that I wanted because of my appearance and they did not respond to the things I did in the manner they responded to males who were doing the same things. My life has been wasted. But I have enjoyed my life. There have been good things.
I am sitting here crying because I have been agonizing over this same thing, and I really needed to hear all of this. Thank you so much for sharing your words with us.
This really made my a lot more sympathetic to people experiencing gender disphoria, whether they transition or not. I hope you have/get peace in this life. You seem like a very thoughtful person.
I completely understand. I don't want to be seen as I feel I am only because I have started HRT. I just want to be ME. I am a male in a female body. I feel like HRT would be a band aid. I know that it is the best option for many trans people;but, for me, just being different is okay. I have decided to embrace my transeness in the vessel I was given...even though I know that many people opt for HRT and surgeries...and that's okay, too, of course. It can be very difficult for many people to understand how a trans person could want want to remain how they are. I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself. Jumping out of that cage when we come out is such a relief...I don't want to have to jump into another cage just to make people happy yet again. I am handsome...I am desirable...I am loved just the way I am. Maybe I will change my mind as my journey progresses;but, for now, I am happy...and that's what I strive to be. :-)
Adam Joseph I have felt the same way, I had to learn to appreciate my vessel as it was anyhow. It sucks though, I want to be called Logan, but they don't see or hear a Logan.
Adam Joseph I absoluty agree with you especially in your sentece " I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself", I share with you the same opinion, be strong and don't give shit about others, it's your life so enjoy it to the fullest, you're amazing :)
I am hybrid too. I thought a lot about taking T, but I decided to stay a masculine woman. I hate menstruating and getting paid less to do the same job as males, but otherwise I do just fine. I work as an engineer, most of my colleagues are male and they consider me one of the guys, but not because I'm "passing"... it's just that they recognize the masculinity in me and it's not something forced, it comes out of me naturally. I also have a muscular built because I work out everyday, and I think that people also respect that; when you have muscles because you work hard and eat properly... so I feel proud of the body I created and that gives me a self-confidence, something that comes only from you accepting who you are.
First of all, I'd like to disclose that your video kept popping up while I was endlessly surfing youtube for helpful ftm footage, and I invariably kept scrolling past. I didnt want to unearth the negative aspects of taking T, or realize any disclaimers for fear that it would alter my decision to transition. But thank you. I could not have been more wrong in not watching this sooner. I'm still in the really early phases of transitioning. Just in the past 6 months I cut my hair, professed to close friends that I'd been considering coming out as trans, and began dating under my new transgender identity. The whole process has been incredibly surreal. So surreal, in fact, that in the last week or so I began to question myself as to whether or not this was the right decision for me. I never experienced an excess of disphoria growing up, partly because I've been blessed with a very feminine body and mild, adaptable personality. But I always knew there was something slightly off, and that lead me to eventually discovering I'd been occupying "the wrong vessel" as you so elegantly put it. The reason I want to thank you, is because your video just eased a lot of the pressure I've been feeling to dive right into injecting T, and immediately altering myself to fit societal standards of masculinity, regardless of whether or not that's actually who I am. I don't want to blindly become something I'm not, and after watching this, I am definitely convinced that taking T is not going to solve any inequalities that currently exist in my life. If anything, this video has encouraged me to do some soul searching and fully understand myself on a more intimate level, instead of viewing Testosterone as a false metaphor for total body and soul unity. So thank you again. Sorry for writing you an essay lol.
Brooke Davis You have said it more elegantly than I ever could. "Testosterone as a false metaphor" was exactly the disillusionment I experienced on T. Perhaps the expectation is what killed it. I THOUGHT testosterone was something it is not; I was misinformed. I'm beginning to wonder if those who experience a successful hormonal transition fully understand that T is a metaphor, the same way a packer is a metaphor. I'd like more longevity studies on this.
I'm sorry if this is in any way offensive, but if you're looking for a place to start in soul searching, I'd suggest studying religions throughout history. That really helped me at the beginning of my own transition just to learn about the deep psychology and spirituality in other people throughout history and all over the world. Discovering that put most of the pieces of who I really am together, what I believe, what I think of myself, and what I stand for. While I did eventually decide I wanted to go on T, it did take me seven years to get there, so don't worry, you're not alone.
raggedy-smith Which religions / perspectives ended up helping you the most? I am a Jesus follower, but I believe strongly that I have something to learn from everyone.
i was born female. been on "t" for a year. taking "t" makes me feel two extremes: extremely happy to be clocked as a man. but extremely fake. never, ever normal. literally since I was a kid I'd cry because I'm not a real male. as an adult I saw "t" as the solution. I love my body and facial hair. my voice change. being called "sir". it's just a dream though, one with real consequences. I'm losing family and increasing health risks. I live by a needle. I'm not brave. I am so unimaginably lost. since I was a child. the injections scare me and I dont believe they are turning me into what I feel. I don't feel trapped in a body. I feel born as the wrong person. or completely crazy. at the same time, I loathe the idea of stopping "t" and going back to life as a girl. I will always be a girl, no matter how hairy or buff I am. "t" is a lifetime commitment to wearing make-up. I wish the medical world would create a dysphoria pill. I never said any of this to anyone.
+Suck Dickman Are you having therapy sessions. You do really seem to have issues to deal with so you know what you want. You say the transitioning (in regards to hormones) doesn't make you feel you are heading in the right direction and you also realize the fact that your body will need constant injections to keep you being male. Which to you seem fake. But the other approach of not taking t and even reverting back is also scary, because you don't want to be a girl, I guess. So clearly you are divided right now. I think you should seek some help to see if you can figure out if there is an underlying cause for you "feeling lost" or if you need help figuring out which way you want to take. Good thing with anonymity online though! Glad you got the opportunity to express your personal fears to others! I do hope you try to find a therapist (that´s what I (as a layman) would recommend) who can help you solve these issues.
+Oak Shaman thanks for the advice. I've seen a few therapists in my life, most recently one who specializes in gender issues. being on t and living as a guy as well as I can has made me more happy and comfy than I've ever been. logically i can't make sense of any of this stuff. but even though being a transman feels fake, in a way, I'm still happier going this route. I'm more puzzled by this stuff than anything.
Testosterone is NOT a lifetime commitment. I'm a M to F Transgender and I know that testosterone will PERMANENTLY masculinize your body. My voice will NEVER get higher, etc. Once T lowers your voice and gives you a beard, that's it. You're good to go.
I agree that dysphoria will always follow us, as trans. No matter what we go through. But hrt and my surgeries made me survive, made me have a life, made me see myself and be myself, and helped others see myself. Harry Benjamins book The Transsexual Phenomenon (1966)(can be downloaded for free) is oldfashioned in many ways, but Benjamin was very aware of the transgender spectrum (he called it transsexualism) and empasized as a endocrinologist that hrt was not suitable, necessary or wanted treatment for every transindividual. Our brains are wired differently, so its probably true then, that transgender treatment should be adjusted to the individual. Your video made me for the first time understand the wish not to go through full transition. Its all how our brains are wired.
***** As a transman who has transitioned (nearly fully), your perspective is invaluable to me. Everything you're saying, I said with as much conviction before I took hormones. My reality on T turned out to be quite different, though. The fact that your own conviction has remained is certainly proof that we're wired differently, and also that some folks are indeed happy on hormones.
@@BluntedFSharps I hope you are happy bud and that your journey of discovery is going well. You are an amazing person, Strong and Unique. I wish I had friends like you (or any for that matter). I'm a Cisgendered gay geeky guy, so I haven't had to go through the same things as you, but I'm always here to listen. You are a gorgeous human being 😄
I don’t. If your actually trans, then you need to transition. It’s the only way to rid dysphoria and be yourself. You can’t be anybody else but yourself. I don’t consider people who say they are trans and don’t transition actually transgender. They aren’t-they usually confuse body dysmorphia with gender dysphoria.
koltonshawn you’re a self righteous self loving POS! Who are you to make these judgements? What if someone doesn’t have the financial means to transition?
I have to say that this video explained things to me in a way that was clearer than anyone has ever been able to explain before. I could REALLY feel the struggle that trans folks must go through when you were explaining the mismatch between the brain and body. Thank you so much for making this. And you made me smile. You are one MAGNIFICENT hybrid my friend! I wish you ALL THE BEST in the world!
This is great. As a genderqueer person, I still get dysphoria from certain aspects that I'm desperate to change, but I kind of know already that everything will never be 100% aligned. I think I'll end up on T eventually, because I can't handle some things (like my voice), but it's a struggle knowing that I'll never be at a point where everything fits. Negative shit aside, thank you for this video. I think it's important for people to explore gender and explore who they are, no matter what other people tell them. And it's important for people to know that hormones and surgeries aren't what makes a person trans -- being trans is an identity, and other people have no full understanding of what a person is feeling to make them take on that identity. People deserve to explore and ignore the barriers people try to throw at them.
I get what you are saying 100%. You are saying that your brain is male and your body is female. It’s a dichotomy that you were born with and that what makes you feel complete is not pretending your female body doesn't exist but allowing your male brain a voice to express yourself as a male in your female body. I would compare it to the way the Kinsey scale measures sexuality. That our sexuality is best expressed as a spectrum instead of on and off. In the same way your gender experience doesn't need fixing. You realized that as the supposed cure was robbing you of part of your identity. So that while other transgendered people might feel complete at the opposite end of the spectrum from where they were born that this isn't necessarily the case for all, that for some their gender identity exists somewhere between the two as is clearly the case for you. You are a brave intelligent and very articulate individual. I’m glad you made the choice you did to make yourself feel complete and happy. Your voice deserves to be heard and I for one am very glad you are sharing your experience.
I thoroughly enjoy reading intelligent video responses, thank you. It was a pleasure to get to know your opinion on the matter and what you said makes a great deal of sense. As a FtM myself I am very much male and desire the complete transition however I do know some who are very much in the middle of the scale. I only hope, through education and understanding, every human being can come to realize we are all somewhere on the scale, even cis-gendered people, and stop attempting to shun the other half of our own personal self. In one of my cultures, Japanese, we see the world through an artists eyes. Men and Women alike are simply artists balancing the gender roles while keeping them distinctly separate. This is strongly evident among the ancient warriors where Martial Arts is only one aspect of his or her strength. Every man worth his weight in gold could also arrange flowers, delicately drink ceremonial tea and usually paint, draw, sing or dance. This fact was also true of the women warriors. I wish these values were still valued in this day and age as they were then and that they were spread across all modern cultures. Life would be quite a bit more peaceful in my opinion.
pappiwolf I appreciate your point of view as well. I myself am just beginning to realize aspects of my gender experience that could qualify as not completely cisgender and as such go a very long way to explaining why all through puberty and my early adult life I was seen and treated as gay or effeminate even though I've always been attracted to women. I never even thought that anything else was possible until just recently. It's lead me to start reevaluating everything about my self and how I've been forced to see my self all these years so much so that I think I'm ready to start discussing things with a mental health professional that is licensed to deal with such issues. If it were not for You Tube I think I would still be in the dark of the many beautiful people that exist all through out the spectrum. I'm very happy to have read your very positive words as well.
@@AnthonyRizzo2 Wow, I truly have total respect for you. You are smart and Genuine and you speak your mind. Its amazing to see someone figuring out what they want in life. I hope you found your path
You said: "Testosterone will not help you become who you are" (paraphrased) And you're right. Testosterone can only complete you. You already have to know who you are before you start transitioning. If you still search for that, and hope to find your answer in the opposit gender, then you are not ready for this.
I'm... I'm so sorry that anyone ever said you were a disgrace to transgender people. Specially other trans people. Transition is not (or atleast should not be seen as such in my oppinion) something you do to become male or female. It is not about taking hormones or getting surgery. Nor is it about becoming someone else. It is about getting to be comfortable with who you are. I figure reaching that point is different for everyone because we are all different, but if you keep that in mind then even if you take a "step back" you are actually still going forward, because you now have the knowledge to realize that you needed that "step back", which made you truer to yourself. And if you manage to feel comfortable with who you are.. well I guess that is the goal of transition.
This is me. I will never be cisgender. I am a man trapped in a woman, but I don't want to lose me... I was given my body for a reason... and I feel like one day the right person will love me for it and that I can be happy being a hybrid too *high five*
+Z zz do some research asshat. If you were to look into the composition of an embryo,you'd know that xx& xy chromosomes do not strictly define gender, as someone born as a "male" may still be born with female genitalia (see term:intersex). Gender is a wide spectrum friend, much wider than your understanding.
S M Vieira When I first set out to make these videos, I prepared myself for possible backlash and cruelty (the Internet can be a cruel place). What I found instead was kindness, humility, a hunger for knowledge, appreciation for a different perspective. Thank you, for all of those things.
That was one of the most beautiful and well thought out conversations I have ever heard in my life. Thank you for your time and effort despite how hard it must be to articulate the complexity of the situation. It means a great deal to me that there are multiple perspectives even if some are at times against the overwhelming wave of opinions and continues to help me understand myself as well as concerns of available options. You seem absolutely amazing and I do wish you every luck in your journey; I hope you find the truth that will relieve that pain, not at all presuming that is at all a possibility.
a lesson on self acceptance and love for every one, male, female, everybody in between. i dont write comments, but this moved me. im a straight female. i dont know what im called right now, but people always called people like me straight. i never thought i'd be moved so much by a transgender story, but i was surprisingly able to relate to this with regards to self acceptance and love. hormones, mutilation, adoration, attention, are not the key to self acceptance. silent confidence, acceptance, self love is something only you can do within you. being a woman or a man is beyond physical. its far beyond having a vagina or penis. its an essence. something which this person has finally understood.
You're right. Different IS ok. You are on the right track.You already are who you are, and know who you are. Nothing can change that. I'm a born female in every sense of the word, although I was always a bit of a tomboy, but I have always kind of resented the male and female division thing. It's like us and them. I feel that it is more important to be a member of the human race than a gender. I'm a person who just happens to be female, and that's ok, except for the period and cramps that I don't wish on anyone. I'm just me. Maybe I'm alone in thinking this way. Everybody is different. Thank you for this excellent video.
+Beverly Glover I'm with you on this, the strong binary divide drives me crazy if I think about it too hard. I was born female and have body dysphoria about having breasts that are large and presenting as female, but I'm not interested in being either of the extremes. Physically I'd rather be flat chested, muscular, but keep some female characteristics and ideally be androgynous, which would match my feelings of agender identification, but I don't really care that much to think about it. And would I really? - because choosing androgyny could also mean being ostracised and being at risk of attack and invasive inappropriate questioning for no reason but not fitting in a strangers perceptual box. Socialisation helped me get used to the rules, but I'm very uncomfortable and feel misgendered when they're overtly applied to me as a "female", and I think the rules for males could be worse, if Norah Roberts' work 'Self Made Man" is anything to go by. I resent the us and them divide too, the objectification from some men that can't relate to women so badly they can't even be freinds, like women aren't people. That's so weird, and I've met people I liked, smart, good people, only to find they stopped talking to me when sexual involvement wasn't an option! I look around and gender seems like a religion that causes more harm than good. I just don't get it.
You are so awesome Jonah. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with us. Personally, I want to be invisible, to just be seen as a male. My close friends know, and that is enough for me. I do sometimes think I wish I could tell people I'm trans, but only when I perceive a woman sizing me up as a potential problem. I always want women to be comfortable around me, and I hate that the culture is such that many women don't feel safe around men. But all I can do is be a good guy. Thanks again for your video. You are so brave and such a strong person. :)
Teddy Theodore It does feel bad to be stealth and have women distrust you for the danger you pose as a man. Even if you're invisible as trans, being visible as a good guy will still change things for the better. Leading by example is admirable.
Huge respect to you! Embracing the Grey of anything is challenging. You're awesome, & it's great that you're sticking to your Truth, & being honest that the details of that Truth can be as surprising to you as they are to the rest of the world. All the best with your journey!!
Very moving, thoughtful introspection- I am an old straight white male whose work brings me close to folks in all stages of this process-I am trying to educate myself from the literature and from others' lived experience. Your elucidation of the irony of reinforcing the binary that you also reject was very well said and is something that has been gnawing at me but I had not articulated it so well. Also impressive how you can take so much meaning from your experience and share it without insisting it applies to everyone-this should be simple but hardly anyone can do it. thanks
This is beautiful! My partner is going through the same thing right now and I have been trying to watch more videos to be more supportive of him. Thank you for speaking your truth! You are opening the door for a lot more trans men to be at peace with themselves. Good luck on the rest of your journey! Love & Light!
Jonah, I know it has been over a year since you posted this video, but thank you so much for posting it. In a world full of people hating themselves and taking drastic measures to change what they were born with, you are the brave individual who was just honest. You are a very eloquent speaker and I can tell you are an intellectual. You truly could write a book about this subject with substance. I respect people like you.
Thank you!!! This is a thing I have been thinking for now few years... Im also ftm and being on t for five years but I have always felt the same way to do also. I just have decided to stop t, the reasons are the same and its very great and cheering to find a person who thinks the same. I will start following you!! Really thank you. Your words are the words in my mind that never really came out
I honor you for your sensitive, thoughtful and honest sharing of your experience. You express yourself very effectively and in a way that moved me. I am currently the weekend coordinator for a GBTQ ManKind Project weekend in the Carolinas in August and will recommend this to other staff. My hope (and MKP's goal) is that our weekend will help men step into leadership in their lives and their communities around transgender and other issues. You model this for us. Thank you!
Finding acceptance of yourself is such a great thing. I think it's wonderful that you've found a path to your real self and that's all you can really ask for in life. Good luck on your path!
What a beautiful video. The words that you said needed to be said and heard. Mother Earth is HUGE...and there is plenty of room for every single one of Us to be exactly who we truly are. Thank You.
This is amazing and clear and I think gender is at the heart of a dynamic that is destroying the planet. I see folks like you as being the hope of the planet and I mean that quite literally. Thank you for bieng so brave, so clear, so articulate.
Jonah - It is truly a pleasure to listen to your truth. What you so eloquently explain is what I've been writing about (in my personal journal) for several years now. There has always been a part of me that although embraces that I am transgender, I cannot deny the beauty of my entire experience in this life time. To not accept my ALL would be to deny the beautiful being that I came here to experience. I respect that every journey is different, but I've come to understand that straddling the masculine and feminine personality/qualities ...is what makes ME whole!! We are so much more and beyond the experiences on this plane ...and dear friend, I am so grateful for you, that you exist and that you are sharing your experience. Much love to you Jonah!
As a young pre-everything ftm, this video was both very very informative and also relatable, that set off a number of new thought processes. Thank you so much for opening a discussion on a topic that isn't spoken much of!
in the vast majority of pre-contact indigenous tribes, transfolks were integrated as an essential reflection of the nature of Nature themselves (since the real world is one of multiple realities all intersecting at once). ive always hated the way the western world pathologizes transfolk based on this false binary gender dichotomy....you are here for a reason and the very existence of your trans reality is not only beautiful but gives me hope for the rest of the world :)
Okay, no. I'm tired of this bullshit. As a Native American, I am telling you that most tribes were sexist, homophobic, and transphobic; including my own. Stop idolizing "indigenous cultures" that you don't understand. They were just as horrible as the rest of the ancient world. The "Two-Spirit" concept is a Neo-Native American culture aspect. Like dream catchers, they originated from a few tribes. The concept got slightly twisted to suit the needs of the majority who liked the basic idea. (In this sense, it's sort of a consensual culture appropriation). What you are saying is misinformation. Please stop that and check your facts.
Aubren Lewis hey I appreciate your input and you're totally right! I guess I appreciate the concept, as many others including other indigenous folks do. I am mixed blood too :)
About half way through you touched my heart and off and on I cried up until the end, at your honesty, your bravery, you are a true pioneer. I cried for your sacrifice, for your ability to trust how God made you, for your standing in such a NEW place despite the critisism. You are opening up a new place for people in the middle. You give me hope.
I am so glad I came up on your video. Feeling myself very much the same as yourself. You answered my questions. you are resilient, and an amazing man, Thanks so much for sharing.
I have waited a long time for this video.. And it did not disappoint ..you are truly one of the most intriguingly beautiful, intelligent, soft spoken individuals I have ever come across. Seriously!! I'm not a crazy creeper but my gosh your eyes and that mouth.. Wheeew you are like on an entirely different level than the masses.. You were right, you were born exactly the way you were supposed to be born... And I'm telling you now my dear, you are are destined for greatness..
Thank you for sharing your story and speaking your truth! I know living authentically tends to mean taking a lot of hits, and many hit a lot harder because you're more vulnerable. But your courage and your true self are seriously radiating out of you in this video. I haven't seen your other videos, so I don't know what you have looked like or what you would look like if you could be reborn in the vessel that matches your inner map, but when I look at you I see a person who I would love to know, would be proud to call a friend, and can learn a lot from. I hope that as you explore all of the joys, limitations, revelations, triumphs, and sorrows of being hybrid, you find inner peace, freedom from static, and community with those who are able to see the authentic you. All the best to you!
Thank you for your courage and bravery, I respect your narrative so much. I understand where you're coming from. I was prominent in the social justice community on Tumblr. I had been where most females have been. My fear of men and getting raped again consumed me, it paralyzed me. It paralyzes me. I have heart palpitations just entering the male section of a clothing store. When men are around me, I can feel how small my body is. My blood pulses to the end of my veins and I become so very aware of how short that distance is. And once I came out as trans, as male, what was a respected narrative, a loud, well-spoken voice, was suddenly a person forcing themselves into a marginalized, discriminated community, a voice that was trying to speak over. I was hated. I was called trash and scum and told to die, that my very existence was displorable and disgusting. The hate was so bad that I deleted my account and took to the other extreme to find solice. I ran from a world of hating men to a world that exmbraced men and side-eyed these feminists. And while I've learned that my opinions, my thoughts, my preconceived notions were wrong, that not all menwere violent, still I was between to very different worlds. And it's so hard. It's so hard that the story my biology made me have is erased by three small words, "I am male". I struggle with it daily. Hearing all the crying for men to be equal, that men have pain too; I still have that instantaneous gut reaction to cry out that women have it worse. I can never unlive, unknow, retract, or reject my female experience. I can never retrograde on living the harsh reality that men's esteem is maybe not as important as women's safety. And there will never be peace in that. But as you said, it is unique. It is my purpose. I was made to speak. Although nothing makes me more excited than shot day, and I find harmony in my shifting body, there will always be doubt. And being on that line, I know I am but a few inches away from speaking your story as my own. Thank you, friend. You are not in this alone. You are a beautiful human being.
Kristoffer S Do you perchance live anywhere near me? Because we need to have coffee. You have shared yourself so openly with me. I cannot imagine how my video could spark such an amazing outpouring of truth and pain and love. But I am so grateful. Your narrative is similar to mine in many ways. Whatever your narrative becomes, wherever it takes you, never stop speaking. Never stop speaking.
I'm autistic and nobody knew so I didn't get the help I needed. My parents just left me in my room. My mind consummed itself. All I had were my thoughts. To imagine my words are worth speaking, after so much silence, when I couldn't speak, is mind blowing. Thank you kindly, sir n__n
You astonish and inspire me. Thank you for having the courage to share your journey- it has impacted me in ways i can barely explain. So, I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite quotes "You need only claim the event of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality." -Florida Scott-Maxwell
Why does transitioning have to be throwing away a large part of you? That's still your story that's still a part of you. Changing your body to match your brain (and passing as male)only changes the fact that your past isn't on your sleeve and you may have to have close deep connections with people before telling that story. Just my opinion to each there own good luck on your journey everyone's is different
You are right, I was born the way I was for a reason... That reason I am learning more and more each day/week and what not. You literally just stopped me. I was very confused, but I wanted to. I now completely feel and know that I should just be who I am. I can't be a man, I thought of this as well... You video made me cry, I'm crying as I'm typing as well... Thanks for the eye opener.
Heart touching video and thoughtful comments. I need a moment to take in how much this moved me. I am a genderfluid, assigned male a birth. I change almost every day often twice or more in a day. When I wake up it helps to ask myself who I am at the moment so that I can better dress and prepare for the day. I more frequently find myself as female or nonbinary then male but for the sake of family and some relations(both of which I am working on improving) I present as male regardless of the rarity of actually fitting that roll. I find the message of this video to be vary powerful and it is amazing to me how much he(hoping that is correct) stood up for his humanity. This idea that you have to look or be a specific way is absurd. I am proud he could show himself and pass but hod onto his being well enough to say who he is and was and will be, that even if his appearance and voice are different, he should be allowed a life to discover what this body image is and how to best express it. It shows me that though hormones, surgery, voice training, magic, or anything else must be done for yourself and not for others. Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that. It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand. As a genderfluid I do sometimes feel male, but people don't see who I am at any given moment and regardless of what gender I feel like the things I like to do and dislike to do are still fairly the same. I should not be expected to like power rangers, think flowers are silly, to desire to wrestle, or build, just based on how I was born. I would like to be a female, to live and reproduce as one, but it is true, I am not one. I probably will not achieve such a body switch. But even if I did it would be for me, it would be because I want to choose that lifestyle. Given that ideal I would still be genderfluid, I would still feel male sometimes, and that is okay. It should be seen as okay. It should be okay to say "I am a woman, and I choose a male lifestyle." or "I am a woman who was told to be male, choosing a female lifestyle" or even "I was told I have to be a gender but I choose to live without." It is huge and validating to hear someone say that they have transitioned and though they are their expressed gender, they are still transgender and that is part of their identity. I would like to say that I am proud to be genderfluid, I wish for people to soon see me as female but I am proud to also be transgender. Proud to take this choice for myself, and go. Thanks for this video and thanks to all who took the time to read this long comment.
+JareMicah Schmidt "Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that. It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand." So poignant.
i am about to start my transition soon, and i have been having my doubts hence why i'm here. You make it really comfortable to be doubtful, through your words i even understand where my dad stands with things, saying i can love myself because i am already who i am, i appreciate your video because it makes me more confident in my decision to continue, to be the best person i can on the inside but also make/'hide' the outside to make myself more happy, either way i know i will be me. thank you
I feel your pain... I am in the exact position as you are but the other side. I have experienced the same exact thing as you did, although I went on to use the hormones because I felt a lot better in a estrogen body then in a "driving me crazy" testosterone body. I have been this way for 15 years now and there is not a day goes by where I wish I would have been born in a female body. But at the same time, I realize that If I would have been born in a female body, I might have struggled the same way... Why? Because there are people who are in the wrong body and they do the switch and they do live very well after. But for some others, switching will help, but the truth of the matter is that you are not a transgender person, you are androgynous person. I believe that your soul is equally a man and a woman and there is no place whatsoever for us in this reality, so we feel the pressure to change because it feels wrong to be in one body or the other. While transitioning I was the happiest while I was in between not when I reached the woman side. Overtime, I rebalanced myself in the middle. I am androgynous, I am female and I male, I love women and I love men and I think you are the same. Otherwise, you would enjoy your testosterone cocktail every week and it would be a blast... Although, I don't like to segregate, there are amongst the different shades of trans, a kind that is not binary, and if it is not already difficult to go from side and to walk towards the other, it is absolutely excruciating to find out when you are done with it, that the opposite side is not home and that along the way you should have stopped (which obviously you did) somewhere in the middle and that you missed it. Our souls are not dealing well with a binary systems and It is a very lonely place to be because even you understand both sides very well, it is very difficult to relate to either. Anyway, I hope you find some solace... Cheers! Note to the readers: I would like to mention to the readers in general, that I don't regret transitioning at all. For me testosterone and being a man was really driving me crazy and what I wrote should not be taken as a reference to scare some pre-trans people to not do it, on the contrary. It is more a cautionary tale for the people that are ready to switch that it is a good idea to find out for sure where you feel best, being a man, being a woman or a little bit of both. Nothing is black or white in the trans world.
hey you, I am now in my 5th month of hormonal therapy, I 'pass'(such a stupid word) fully right now and even before injections I passed most of the time.The thing is, that now I stopped fussing whether my haircut or clothing is 'passing material', I don't care anymore. I don't care not because of some particular changes(i didn't change a lot though) but because I am not afraid to be seen as trans anymore, I am more provocative and daring. Your point of view is quite gripping to me, because I stopped being fearful right after my first injection, which was kind of a ritual, an ending and a beginning at the same time.I know I'll start seeing a young MAN in the mirror soon and this knowing helps me to embrace my transsexuality. While before T I was very sharp and insecure even about the word 'trans'alone, I just wanted to be a man, no compromise. I totaly agree that the vial and the needle will not make you, me or some other person who they truly are, but for me it's helping to reach the climax of my maleness. I don't feel that T is masking my path or even my own individual self, it's actually unveiling this path, the image I always had in my head, unvealing this severe and blessed voyage. And what about being invisible, yes, there is something of that nature in every ftms life (those who use hormones) when you start being 'just a guy' in the socieity. I don't believe there is such thing as 'just a guy' or 'just another girl', because every single random person you spot in a coffee shop, park, whatever could tell you at least one intriguing story from a personal journal. Our lives are happenning in our heads and I'll never feel just a guy, why would I care what my enviroment assumes? Anyway, regarding trans stuff - I find FTMs sexy, both physically and intellectually, your speech and perspective is sexy as well and muchness wow lets love and respect more
U are Amazing, I feel Ur Truth in My Soul. Although I have a different set of circumstances, the feeling is the same. The isolation, depression, frustration, suicidal thoughts, etc. It makes it difficult to truly live Life & be "normal" like everyone else...Living in Ur Truth takes a tremendous amount of courage & strength. Much Love & Respect
That was such a beautiful sharing from the heart. Such a deep dive into what is beneath the surface and what truly matters. Thank you. I wish you could have seen me smiling back at you as you were talking, because I could feel the love. That means you're finding out what it means to love yourself, and that is what every decision is really about.
So much insight in this video. This is how I see it: Believing you are something that you are not, or wanting to be something that you can never be - is painful. And I don't believe anyone wants to live in pain. I can't truly speak for any other person on this planet, as I am not experiencing anyone's life but my own, but dear transsexuals. I believe you are confused. There is a difference between the spiritual and the biological world. And to me it looks like you're caught in between. In the biological world you will always be the sex you were born with. It can never be changed. Not even with surgery or hormones. In the spiritual world there are no boundaries. No sexes. And your experience as a transsexual can only be spiritual. No scientific research has ultimately proven the condition to be biological. Therefore the narrative "I'm a man trapped in a woman's body" or vice versa is a delusion. You can't be something you physically are not. It's just thoughts. You can identify with the opposite sex, but why would you identify with something you can never be? Stop fighting with reality and the things you can't change. Instead of looking to the physical/biological aspect you should look to the spiritual. Spiritually no one is male or female. You are just consciousness. Physically/biologically you will always be either male or female (or intersex in rare cases) no matter how much you resist. If you learn to accept the truth of your human condition I think you will be happier. If you are a feminine male you can transition into physical femininity, and call yourself a woman, because that is just a social construct anyway, but never believe that you are female, 'cause that is delusional. The same goes for female-assigned transsexuals. The moment you start fighting with the physical reality you are bound to be unhappy.
MammalucaArt The only reason I'm not deleting this comment (as it has nothing to do with my video, and is likely copied/pasted on several other videos) is that my viewers have a right to think for themselves and hear everyone's opinions on the subject. And you definitely buffered your opinion with phrases like "I believe" and "to me," so thank you. But let me tell you this: recognizing your genderless spirit can never make you comfortable inside of your gendered body. If you are comfortable inside of yours, congratulations. If you were previously uncomfortable, but have found a way to deal with it, congratulations. For many, the only "truth of their human condition" is the fact that there is a problem and no ideal way to fix it. You cannot tell them their discomfort is a delusion. Our human experience is the only tangible thing we have, and God forbid we spend 60 years in discomfort because somebody told us that looking for a solution would ultimately be more painful.
BluntedFSharps You can look for a solution all you want. I just don't think you will find the answer as long as you look for it in the physical world, or try to change your body, instead of examining your mind. From watching your video I thought you felt somewhat the same? I am male-bodied and have always struggled with accepting this. I could have easily fallen into the classic transsexual narrative of "I am a girl trapped in a boy's body", but I realized at a very young age, that a sex change would never truly make me happy, because I could never be the other sex anyway. I asked myself "why am I so ashamed of being a boy with a penis and short hair in the first place?" and I realized that it was because of the associations these physical traits have in this world, and my social conditioning had implemented in my consciousness that because I was feminine I could only be a girl, and girls don't have penises or short hair. Gender is like language. We learn it almost automatically as infants from social conditioning. Why do people think their mind/soul/consciousness is gendered or sexed? I believe it's because of social conditioning. As soon as we develop our consciousness we learn that femininity belongs to females and masculinity belongs to males. It makes us limited in our understanding of ourselves. Therefore I think it's important to look beyond one's own logic, and that's what I did. Today I am still a product of society, as we all are, but at least I try to examine the logic behind my thoughts, which I think a lot of people don't care to do. I have come to the temporary conclusion that I am a male who predominantly embodies characteristics that our society attaches to females. Just because society has set these rules, it's not gonna brainwash me into thinking that my body should have been female, and make me come up with elaborate theories why my brain is that of a female. All these studies are themselves a product of a social conditioning/social constructs. There is no god-given answer to what it means to be a man or a woman, and why should it even matter?. We are all so caught up in our language and social constructs, it's not just transsexuals, they are just the symptom of a bigger confusion in society. Bottom line is. Every human (including transsexuals) should keep questioning who they are throughout life, and understand that most likely everything you think you are, is something that has been tought to you. Most likely you will never know the truth of who you really are.
MammalucaArt I created this channel to explore all the things you just mentioned, and bring to light all the issues you mentioned. Many people don't stop to think about them. I strongly agree with a lot of your points about socialization, and believe our conditioning is so ingrained that it's nearly impossible to go back and pick through it all. But one thing I have to strongly protest is your calling the brain-body mismatch a "brainwashing." As a 4-year-old, I didn't have the capacity for "elaborate theories," or any conscious knowledge of gender expectations. I had no shame for being female. No idea how a "male" acted, really, or why I'd want to act like that, or act like anything, really. I acted how my friends acted-boys and girls. I enjoyed the toys I was given. Didn't really care what my parents forced me to wear (that came in middle school, once I did have knowledge of social expectations, and did feel shame). And yet I felt an overwhelming incongruence between my body and my mental recognition of my body parts. Your theory cannot fully explain my experience. I can learn from it, sure-and other trans people may see themselves in it. But please don't generalize. Your experience is not representative of the whole.
BluntedFSharps "Your experience is not representative of the whole." Absolutely not! I can only fully understand what I already know. And I have never known the feeling you describe of incongruence between the body and the mental recognition of body parts. Though your experience seems inherent to me, I also think that mental recognition is spiritual and cannot be blamed on biology. Therefore I can still only see transsexuality/gender dysphoria as a spiritual condition, not a biological one. The reason behind my tantrum (sorry) is this war on "true transsexualism/transgenderism". These "true transsexuals" try to rationalize their condition with a biological explanation, but I just don't buy it. For me mental recognition/perception, thoughts, feelings and identification are pure consciousness and has nothing to do with hormones, chromosomes or anything biological in general. It will always be consciousness that tells you what you are. You can never be a victim of biology. You can only be a victim of your own thoughts. Most human suffering stems from thoughts, and most transsexuals (and people in general) are just completely blinded by their own thoughts and narratives, and have built their entire indentity on them. Of course they're gonna think I'm an idiot for saying this.. I consider myself a spiritual person. That's why I don't believe our consciousness can be explained fully from a biological point of view. It's not your body that is wrong. It's your thoughts about it. To be completely honest with you - I don't think there is anything wrong with reality. Our minds create the problems. And most people on this planet, including myself, are caught up in our minds most of the time. For me it's about stepping out of this illusion, and learning not to identify with my thoughts - no matter how inherent they may seem. We live in a post-modern western society. We no longer have to identify with our thoughts or our biology to survive. Thanks for reading!
MammalucaArt Thanks for your thoughts. While I don't agree with all of them, I do recognize your intellect, and hope that you too never stop exploring these issues.
This is exactly what I think. I loved everything of this video, because it was like talking with myself. These are the exact reasons why I'll never ever go on T, I'll never ever spoke the truth about myself to my parents and family, and I'll never ever consider about surgery and things like that. Thank you very much, and I hope your days will always be bright and full of happiness. Female or male, you are an amazing human, and that's what really matters. Stay strong. ❤️
Hey! I really like your video and I agree with you. In first place your are a HUMAN. Unfortunatelly in our society gender is binary, there is just such as "female" and "male and they expect you to identify with it. If you aren't able to do this, you can't really choose something in between, people don't get it, you have to fit in a category. I have never heard about cis-genderism before. Thank you for bringing up and explaining it. I am not transgender, but watching this and thinking about cis-genderism I asked myself if was cis. Thinking about it leaves me with the conclusion that, there are definitly things i like about beeing a woman, and I am lucky tu be one. On the other hand, i wouldn't mind beeing a boy, i often asked myself how i would have looked like, if i had been sexy as man, if i had succes. Also I vary very much my clothing and my perception. I like to dress in a very androgenous way (tomboyisch), i used to wear binders when i was 15 and i shaved my head. Then, when i was 17 i started to discover make up and be more on the feminine side. I fell in love with a guy and i felt like i was "fitting in" as a girl and that everything was allright. As my realtionship ended i discovered some gay tendecies. I admit that, not being chased guys and not chasing them that much, i feel less pressured to "fit in" as a woman. So i still have a very tomboyish side, but also a feminine one. Also i would not identify as hetero, homo or gay. Gay would mean to me, that i do not consider men at all, which is not true, because i fell in love with one in the past. Hetero wouldn't apply neither because it excludes my girls crushes, and "bi" would be too "binary (i could maybe fall for a trans). Futhermore, i don't have much of a phisical sexual desire, compared to other people my age, so there would be also a "asexual" aspect. I do not believe in black or white, at least it does not apply for me. It makes a lot easier, but thats not fully me. I wish to meet a person, who will be ready to get to know all aspects of me, even if they seem contradictory. For others this might sound really confusing but in my mind it is really clear. I perfectly know who I am. I am a spectrum of many aspects and you can't reduce me in a category.
You are very articulate and clearly have put a great deal of thought into all of this. Thank you for speaking - especially with regards to detransition in the context of body dysphoria. Being told transition "wasn't right for you" like I've been told (and I can probably guess you've been told as well) just seems to minimize the dysphoria aspect. Alternatives to transition are kind of a taboo topic in most trans circles I've encountered, compared erroneously with conversion therapy. But that's what you are doing, it seems - finding an alternative to transition in dealing with dysphoria. Good luck, and you are brave for speaking out. There aren't any resources for detransitioners, so videos like yours represent what exists of the support structure.
+MiriamAfloat You're right-being told that "transition just wasn't right for me" is incredibly invalidating of the point I was trying to make. In fact, if you google my name, the very first result is an article in which I was misquoted as saying "it just wasn't right for me." So many people seem to be missing the message. I also believe applying the word "detransitioning" to everyone who's decided to quit T is grossly overgeneralizing and oversimplifying. I haven't detransitioned. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Thank you for having put words so clear on what my thoughts have been for three years. Being an 'alternative' (my word for 'hybrid', comes from an artist I like) is a choice quite tiring sometimes but in the end, it allows opening the eyes of society, and, above all, of all the souls and persons into that society. See, Society does not help people who ask themselves questions. Either trans, or cis. Often people who tend to have the will to think and explore end up forgetting their questions and become just what society wants them to be. But often, persons become sad or lost. And nobody sees it, for they are silent, they have even forgotten how to pronounce the questions. Then, being an alternative I think, allows me to talk to persons, friends or mere contacts, and no matter whether they're trans or cis, we always manage to get through so interesting thoughts about what society imposes on us. And not only that. Really, thank you for having made the choice of talking, of being visible. This is a choice I have made long ago, and I never regret it. Hope to hear from you soon ♪
Wonderful video, and in parts quite poetic. For someone like me, who has wondered for such a long time whether I'm fooling myself one half of the time or the other, constantly shifting in how I feel and what I want, it's nice to see someone who isn't unsure, but who pretty much upholds the inbetween as something worthy in itself.
viewhue I am indeed sure that being unsure is freeing. I've always found that the most intelligent people are starkly aware of how much they have left to learn. Humbling ourselves to the in-between, to the open doors, to the uncertain future is a worthy life goal, I feel.
BluntedFSharps I don't even remember what I was looking for when I opened youtube this evening, but your video was just right there, so of course I had to watch it. I watched and couldn't help feeling that you were speaking my story (putting into words what I have not quite found the words to express.. and I definitely related to everything you said). It was INSANE how much your words resonated with me. I do realize that we are two very different people.. and it's wonderful! It is SO beautiful that you exist.. that I exist.. hell, even that youtube exists. I guess I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a very important thing by telling your story. It's actually incredibly inspiring.. and although I spend a lot of time telling myself that no one wants to hear what I have to say, witnessing your bravery has absolutely effected me. It has made me think. It has made me want to act.. be heard.. be visible. Thank you SO VERY MUCH! honestly, i have NO idea who you are, but I have such a pure love and respect for you. It's like, "damn.." Thank you! If you're in L.A. let's fucking talk. haha. RESPECTTTTT!!! :-) also, I shared the mess outta this video.
Ash Cardona I am speechless by the love you just gave me, a stranger. The respect is purely mine. You should know that you've affected me, too. Penciling you in for coffee if I ever visit the west coast...
I'm a cis straight woman and watching this video I find you extremely attractive. The masculinity of you. Your spirit. I just want to give you a hug. You are a man and you are so beautiful inside and out.
I am moved and deeply honoured by being allowed to hear your story. I admire your courage and devotion to be your true self, with your own rich and beautiful identity. This is the deepest kind of wisdom which most human beings acquire only through suffering. I wish you all the blessings, love and happiness to come into your life, which you choose to live in freedom of who you are.
I just wanted to say you are an amazing speaker; articulate, genuine, and you share your experience honestly and with love and understanding. You inspire me to be true to myself. Thank you for sharing your story. Peace.
Dude that was deep. Great video. I'm mtf and I used to feel totally pressured to get the big surgery. Luckily I realized that I'm fine with being a hybrid before I wasted $20k. Fuck what people think. There's no separating me from my estrogen though lol I love that shit
Most videos I've watched of post-transition individuals seem to have expected more and still have unresolved gender dysphoria. I wonder if the problem is closer to body dysmorphia and is caused by social pressures to conform to gender norms. I worry that treating transexuals by creating a false biology is not the best way to help. Anyways, very insightful video, I hope you continue learning!
Thank you for posting both of the videos that you have. Listening to them helped me in some ways. I find it hard to have a female body in so many ways. You ARE an awesome person and I thank you for that.
Riding with you on the exhausting hybrid/mutant train my love. It's a lifelong journey and one we can share only through stories and empathy. I feel kind of like we are all in this pack, lone wolves, yet interdependant. Our stories bind us, help to weave more stories, hold this web together. I'm glad to have been able to hold your words, thank you for sharing them. Much love from Casper. Looking forward to more thoughts captured on video xxx
Jonah, your reflective eloquence is powerful. Your phrasing is memorable and yur position informs my training with a trans group here in London. We are all on journeys, and yours has helped mine. Thank you.
peterinnewashgreen I am so thrilled by the diversity here. We're a community forged across oceans, age gaps, gender planes... Our stories are each other's.
I think this could be the truth for some, and other may disagree. I feel whatever your truth is, whatever makes you happy, live it. Also, IMHO, how one experienced life and judgement and fitting in and all those questions of the early 20's thankfully change later in life. Things become a lot clearer and simpler, hopefully. Thanks for the insight! :)
This is deep, wise, and rich. As I watch this, I marvel at your ability to capture so lyrically the longing for completion you thought testerone would give, a kind of romance (and as humans we are so much about romance). Then it comes into your life yet doesn't deliver the completion of you you've longed for--because you were already complete as you were. Indeed, embracing the thing longed for would require an erasure of all you'd become in your life, in exchange for a flattened, amputing self. What a message. Thank you for being true to you, in all your complexity, and sharing that with us.
"This will not make you who you are. You already are who you are."
Wise words for all of us, trans or not. You are a beautiful, wonderful person. Thank you.
You are the definition of awake. You walk your own path, and i respect the hell out of you for it.
I think the illusion that is sold to some people in the concept of transitioning is the belief that cisgender people are vastly more happy and self-confident simply because they don't have that additional "noise" in their life, but you can find miserable cisgender people struggling to find their identity everywhere. Successfully passing from one gender to another means having to come to terms with the new insecurities that your gender commonly faces everyday, it doesn't mean an end to insecurity.
Exactly. Is anyone comfortable in their owns skin?
Being trans not thoughts . It is biologic search about it more it is something from that day you born
"To be the hybrid that I was born to be." Yes, yes and thousand times YES. You are telling my life story and I'm over 60. Bless you for your truth. :-)
I understand your point but hey for me is kinda the opposite. When I look in the mirror I don't recognise who I see (before Transition). Inside I am male and on the days I look more masculine I start to recognise my self. As a physical representation of my inner self.
Yeah I'm the same man. isn't it strange?
true
Same man
What is it about women that makes you not want to be one? You say "inside I am a male", what does that mean to you? What is a female inside vs a male?
"You already are who you are" -- I like that.
I'm no youngster... I'm probably old enough to be your parental unit! But this video really touched me, and I appreciate the fact that you made it! I quit T and threw out the notion of "passing" years ago. Genuine self-expression, comfort with my body, and security in my identity are way more important than trying to not appear "female" to society. I've gone in a controversial direction in my journey (that I'll probably get shit for by the trans community) because I wear skirts and make-up. But that doesn't mean I'm de-transitioning at all! Quite the contrary. I'm having bottom surgery in 2016!
I also have no desire to erase my past. 37 years of suffering while growing up being labeled "female", and 4 years of going through transition, have shaped who I am today. And I love who I am! I've had more growth, courage, wisdom, and strength that I ever thought was possible! That's because the entire journey of my life, transition included, has changed me into someone I'm proud of. How could I erase that? Why would I erase that? I'm under no illusions--I know I'm not ever gonna be cis. I'm aware that I'm never gonna know what body/mind congruence feels like. I know that I'm not ever gonna "pass". I know I'm not gonna wipe out the way I was socialized, nor do I want to bother with trying. So I may as well live my life the way I want, and just be myself. Some won't accept that. I don't give a fuck. This is my life! At the end of the day, I can say that travelling on the path that's right for me is more important than pleasing anyone, more important than making people less uncomfortable, more important than helping folks feel less confused about my gender identity/gender expression, and more important than trying to make people understand why I live the way I do! Yes, I feel alone sometimes... but aren't we all alone to a certain degree? I mean, honestly who gets me more than me? Ummm... nobody!
Skye Taylor So true. All of it.
Skye Taylor I regret years of losing my spontaneity and personality when I realized I was different because people treated me how I considered to be really strange starting when I was twelve and I didn't understand it because I didn't know that this is the way women like to be treated. I stopped having fun and socializing and I could have done so many crazy things had I been myself and been so goofy and happy. I never realized when I was little that "women" exist because I thought they were just basically men with different private parts and they wear different things. I was so frustrated to see that people would not treat me the way that I wanted because of my appearance and they did not respond to the things I did in the manner they responded to males who were doing the same things. My life has been wasted. But I have enjoyed my life. There have been good things.
I am sitting here crying because I have been agonizing over this same thing, and I really needed to hear all of this. Thank you so much for sharing your words with us.
The is one of the most beautifully worded videos I have ever seen. I admire your intelligence and eloquence.
You are so beautifully spoken. PLEASE do more videos on literally anything. I could listen to your voice all day
You don't get out much do u?
I want to thank you for making me feel a little less alone in the world.
This really made my a lot more sympathetic to people experiencing gender disphoria, whether they transition or not. I hope you have/get peace in this life. You seem like a very thoughtful person.
I completely understand. I don't want to be seen as I feel I am only because I have started HRT. I just want to be ME. I am a male in a female body. I feel like HRT would be a band aid. I know that it is the best option for many trans people;but, for me, just being different is okay. I have decided to embrace my transeness in the vessel I was given...even though I know that many people opt for HRT and surgeries...and that's okay, too, of course. It can be very difficult for many people to understand how a trans person could want want to remain how they are. I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself. Jumping out of that cage when we come out is such a relief...I don't want to have to jump into another cage just to make people happy yet again. I am handsome...I am desirable...I am loved just the way I am. Maybe I will change my mind as my journey progresses;but, for now, I am happy...and that's what I strive to be. :-)
Adam Joseph So glad for your happiness, brother. Don't jump into another cage for anyone, ever again. Congratulations on your freedom.
I'm glad I could offer a point of view that you connect with, shane tanner :-) ;and, Thank you, BluntedFSharps .
Adam Joseph I have felt the same way, I had to learn to appreciate my vessel as it was anyhow. It sucks though, I want to be called Logan, but they don't see or hear a Logan.
Thank you, that means a lot to me!
Adam Joseph I absoluty agree with you especially in your sentece " I have realized that my desire to start hormone therapy was really about how others treat me rather than about who I am and how I feel about myself", I share with you the same opinion, be strong and don't give shit about others, it's your life so enjoy it to the fullest, you're amazing :)
I am hybrid too. I thought a lot about taking T, but I decided to stay a masculine woman. I hate menstruating and getting paid less to do the same job as males, but otherwise I do just fine. I work as an engineer, most of my colleagues are male and they consider me one of the guys, but not because I'm "passing"... it's just that they recognize the masculinity in me and it's not something forced, it comes out of me naturally. I also have a muscular built because I work out everyday, and I think that people also respect that; when you have muscles because you work hard and eat properly... so I feel proud of the body I created and that gives me a self-confidence, something that comes only from you accepting who you are.
First of all, I'd like to disclose that your video kept popping up while I was endlessly surfing youtube for helpful ftm footage, and I invariably kept scrolling past. I didnt want to unearth the negative aspects of taking T, or realize any disclaimers for fear that it would alter my decision to transition. But thank you. I could not have been more wrong in not watching this sooner. I'm still in the really early phases of transitioning. Just in the past 6 months I cut my hair, professed to close friends that I'd been considering coming out as trans, and began dating under my new transgender identity. The whole process has been incredibly surreal. So surreal, in fact, that in the last week or so I began to question myself as to whether or not this was the right decision for me. I never experienced an excess of disphoria growing up, partly because I've been blessed with a very feminine body and mild, adaptable personality. But I always knew there was something slightly off, and that lead me to eventually discovering I'd been occupying "the wrong vessel" as you so elegantly put it. The reason I want to thank you, is because your video just eased a lot of the pressure I've been feeling to dive right into injecting T, and immediately altering myself to fit societal standards of masculinity, regardless of whether or not that's actually who I am. I don't want to blindly become something I'm not, and after watching this, I am definitely convinced that taking T is not going to solve any inequalities that currently exist in my life. If anything, this video has encouraged me to do some soul searching and fully understand myself on a more intimate level, instead of viewing Testosterone as a false metaphor for total body and soul unity. So thank you again. Sorry for writing you an essay lol.
Brooke Davis You have said it more elegantly than I ever could. "Testosterone as a false metaphor" was exactly the disillusionment I experienced on T. Perhaps the expectation is what killed it. I THOUGHT testosterone was something it is not; I was misinformed. I'm beginning to wonder if those who experience a successful hormonal transition fully understand that T is a metaphor, the same way a packer is a metaphor. I'd like more longevity studies on this.
I'm sorry if this is in any way offensive, but if you're looking for a place to start in soul searching, I'd suggest studying religions throughout history. That really helped me at the beginning of my own transition just to learn about the deep psychology and spirituality in other people throughout history and all over the world. Discovering that put most of the pieces of who I really am together, what I believe, what I think of myself, and what I stand for. While I did eventually decide I wanted to go on T, it did take me seven years to get there, so don't worry, you're not alone.
raggedy-smith Which religions / perspectives ended up helping you the most? I am a Jesus follower, but I believe strongly that I have something to learn from everyone.
i was born female. been on "t" for a year. taking "t" makes me feel two extremes: extremely happy to be clocked as a man. but extremely fake. never, ever normal.
literally since I was a kid I'd cry because I'm not a real male. as an adult I saw "t" as the solution. I love my body and facial hair. my voice change. being called "sir". it's just a dream though, one with real consequences. I'm losing family and increasing health risks. I live by a needle.
I'm not brave. I am so unimaginably lost. since I was a child. the injections scare me and I dont believe they are turning me into what I feel. I don't feel trapped in a body. I feel born as the wrong person. or completely crazy.
at the same time, I loathe the idea of stopping "t" and going back to life as a girl. I will always be a girl, no matter how hairy or buff I am. "t" is a lifetime commitment to wearing make-up. I wish the medical world would create a dysphoria pill. I never said any of this to anyone.
+Suck Dickman Truth, brother.
+Suck Dickman Are you having therapy sessions. You do really seem to have issues to deal with so you know what you want. You say the transitioning (in regards to hormones) doesn't make you feel you are heading in the right direction and you also realize the fact that your body will need constant injections to keep you being male. Which to you seem fake.
But the other approach of not taking t and even reverting back is also scary, because you don't want to be a girl, I guess.
So clearly you are divided right now. I think you should seek some help to see if you can figure out if there is an underlying cause for you "feeling lost" or if you need help figuring out which way you want to take.
Good thing with anonymity online though! Glad you got the opportunity to express your personal fears to others! I do hope you try to find a therapist (that´s what I (as a layman) would recommend) who can help you solve these issues.
+Oak Shaman
thanks for the advice. I've seen a few therapists in my life, most recently one who specializes in gender issues.
being on t and living as a guy as well as I can has made me more happy and comfy than I've ever been. logically i can't make sense of any of this stuff. but even though being a transman feels fake, in a way, I'm still happier going this route. I'm more puzzled by this stuff than anything.
Testosterone is NOT a lifetime commitment. I'm a M to F Transgender and I know that testosterone will PERMANENTLY masculinize your body. My voice will NEVER get higher, etc. Once T lowers your voice and gives you a beard, that's it. You're good to go.
I agree that dysphoria will always follow us, as trans. No matter what we go through. But hrt and my surgeries made me survive, made me have a life, made me see myself and be myself, and helped others see myself.
Harry Benjamins book The Transsexual Phenomenon (1966)(can be downloaded for free) is oldfashioned in many ways, but Benjamin was very aware of the transgender spectrum (he called it transsexualism) and empasized as a endocrinologist that hrt was not suitable, necessary or wanted treatment for every transindividual. Our brains are wired differently, so its probably true then, that transgender treatment should be adjusted to the individual.
Your video made me for the first time understand the wish not to go through full transition. Its all how our brains are wired.
***** As a transman who has transitioned (nearly fully), your perspective is invaluable to me. Everything you're saying, I said with as much conviction before I took hormones. My reality on T turned out to be quite different, though. The fact that your own conviction has remained is certainly proof that we're wired differently, and also that some folks are indeed happy on hormones.
@@BluntedFSharps I hope you are happy bud and that your journey of discovery is going well. You are an amazing person, Strong and Unique. I wish I had friends like you (or any for that matter). I'm a Cisgendered gay geeky guy, so I haven't had to go through the same things as you, but I'm always here to listen. You are a gorgeous human being 😄
I hate when people try to tell trans people that they HAVE to transition
Agreed. The pressure is real!!! Queers echo the binary as well.
Lol if they don't want to transition why are they even trans they can be cis gender not so hard
I don’t. If your actually trans, then you need to transition. It’s the only way to rid dysphoria and be yourself. You can’t be anybody else but yourself. I don’t consider people who say they are trans and don’t transition actually transgender. They aren’t-they usually confuse body dysmorphia with gender dysphoria.
koltonshawn you’re a self righteous self loving POS! Who are you to make these judgements? What if someone doesn’t have the financial means to transition?
Jenna Anderson that’s the only exception. If you can’t financially transition, that’s unfortunate, but you should want to.
I have to say that this video explained things to me in a way that was clearer than anyone has ever been able to explain before. I could REALLY feel the struggle that trans folks must go through when you were explaining the mismatch between the brain and body. Thank you so much for making this. And you made me smile. You are one MAGNIFICENT hybrid my friend! I wish you ALL THE BEST in the world!
You speak very well and I think the way you describe dysphoria is very well done. I think the maps is very fitting to describe what gender is
This is great. As a genderqueer person, I still get dysphoria from certain aspects that I'm desperate to change, but I kind of know already that everything will never be 100% aligned. I think I'll end up on T eventually, because I can't handle some things (like my voice), but it's a struggle knowing that I'll never be at a point where everything fits.
Negative shit aside, thank you for this video. I think it's important for people to explore gender and explore who they are, no matter what other people tell them. And it's important for people to know that hormones and surgeries aren't what makes a person trans -- being trans is an identity, and other people have no full understanding of what a person is feeling to make them take on that identity. People deserve to explore and ignore the barriers people try to throw at them.
I get what you are saying 100%. You are saying that your brain is male and your body is female. It’s a dichotomy that you were born with and that what makes you feel complete is not pretending your female body doesn't exist but allowing your male brain a voice to express yourself as a male in your female body.
I would compare it to the way the Kinsey scale measures sexuality. That our sexuality is best expressed as a spectrum instead of on and off. In the same way your gender experience doesn't need fixing. You realized that as the supposed cure was robbing you of part of your identity.
So that while other transgendered people might feel complete at the opposite end of the spectrum from where they were born that this isn't necessarily the case for all, that for some their gender identity exists somewhere between the two as is clearly the case for you.
You are a brave intelligent and very articulate individual. I’m glad you made the choice you did to make yourself feel complete and happy. Your voice deserves to be heard and I for one am very glad you are sharing your experience.
I thoroughly enjoy reading intelligent video responses, thank you. It was a pleasure to get to know your opinion on the matter and what you said makes a great deal of sense. As a FtM myself I am very much male and desire the complete transition however I do know some who are very much in the middle of the scale. I only hope, through education and understanding, every human being can come to realize we are all somewhere on the scale, even cis-gendered people, and stop attempting to shun the other half of our own personal self.
In one of my cultures, Japanese, we see the world through an artists eyes. Men and Women alike are simply artists balancing the gender roles while keeping them distinctly separate. This is strongly evident among the ancient warriors where Martial Arts is only one aspect of his or her strength. Every man worth his weight in gold could also arrange flowers, delicately drink ceremonial tea and usually paint, draw, sing or dance. This fact was also true of the women warriors.
I wish these values were still valued in this day and age as they were then and that they were spread across all modern cultures. Life would be quite a bit more peaceful in my opinion.
pappiwolf I appreciate your point of view as well. I myself am just beginning to realize aspects of my gender experience that could qualify as not completely cisgender and as such go a very long way to explaining why all through puberty and my early adult life I was seen and treated as gay or effeminate even though I've always been attracted to women.
I never even thought that anything else was possible until just recently. It's lead me to start reevaluating everything about my self and how I've been forced to see my self all these years so much so that I think I'm ready to start discussing things with a mental health professional that is licensed to deal with such issues.
If it were not for You Tube I think I would still be in the dark of the many beautiful people that exist all through out the spectrum. I'm very happy to have read your very positive words as well.
@@pappiwolf Wow, I hope you are happy and living your best life. You said you loved Intelligent Comments and then made one. Much love to you
@@AnthonyRizzo2 Wow, I truly have total respect for you. You are smart and Genuine and you speak your mind. Its amazing to see someone figuring out what they want in life. I hope you found your path
You said: "Testosterone will not help you become who you are" (paraphrased)
And you're right. Testosterone can only complete you. You already have to know who you are before you start transitioning. If you still search for that, and hope to find your answer in the opposit gender, then you are not ready for this.
So true! Thank you for these commentary!!
One is never "completed".
Polite Q isn't 1 technically complete? asking for science
I'm... I'm so sorry that anyone ever said you were a disgrace to transgender people. Specially other trans people. Transition is not (or atleast should not be seen as such in my oppinion) something you do to become male or female. It is not about taking hormones or getting surgery. Nor is it about becoming someone else. It is about getting to be comfortable with who you are. I figure reaching that point is different for everyone because we are all different, but if you keep that in mind then even if you take a "step back" you are actually still going forward, because you now have the knowledge to realize that you needed that "step back", which made you truer to yourself. And if you manage to feel comfortable with who you are.. well I guess that is the goal of transition.
Ircy2012 Well said.
I know it's been a couple of years, but I just wanted to say; Thank you for making this video. : )
This is me. I will never be cisgender. I am a man trapped in a woman, but I don't want to lose me... I was given my body for a reason... and I feel like one day the right person will love me for it and that I can be happy being a hybrid too *high five*
+Z zz do some research asshat. If you were to look into the composition of an embryo,you'd know that xx& xy chromosomes do not strictly define gender, as someone born as a "male" may still be born with female genitalia (see term:intersex). Gender is a wide spectrum friend, much wider than your understanding.
Yes it has been proven.
sternyduke hmm If that is so I should reasearch more into this.
What is it about being a woman you don't identify with?
Tortor Smith we’re all trapped in a different body. Most people hate the body in which they’re in. Mutilating your body is not gonna fix YOU.
You are special and very strong, courageous, and authentic, not to mention sober minded and lucid. I will share your video.
S M Vieira When I first set out to make these videos, I prepared myself for possible backlash and cruelty (the Internet can be a cruel place). What I found instead was kindness, humility, a hunger for knowledge, appreciation for a different perspective. Thank you, for all of those things.
You look very androgynous and beautiful, whether as a boy or as a girl!
Susanna agreed!
That was one of the most beautiful and well thought out conversations I have ever heard in my life. Thank you for your time and effort despite how hard it must be to articulate the complexity of the situation. It means a great deal to me that there are multiple perspectives even if some are at times against the overwhelming wave of opinions and continues to help me understand myself as well as concerns of available options. You seem absolutely amazing and I do wish you every luck in your journey; I hope you find the truth that will relieve that pain, not at all presuming that is at all a possibility.
a lesson on self acceptance and love for every one, male, female, everybody in between.
i dont write comments, but this moved me. im a straight female. i dont know what im called right now, but people always called people like me straight. i never thought i'd be moved so much by a transgender story, but i was surprisingly able to relate to this with regards to self acceptance and love.
hormones, mutilation, adoration, attention, are not the key to self acceptance.
silent confidence, acceptance, self love is something only you can do within you.
being a woman or a man is beyond physical. its far beyond having a vagina or penis. its an essence. something which this person has finally understood.
You're right. Different IS ok. You are on the right track.You already are who you are, and know who you are. Nothing can change that. I'm a born female in every sense of the word, although I was always a bit of a tomboy, but I have always kind of resented the male and female division thing. It's like us and them. I feel that it is more important to be a member of the human race than a gender. I'm a person who just happens to be female, and that's ok, except for the period and cramps that I don't wish on anyone. I'm just me. Maybe I'm alone in thinking this way. Everybody is different. Thank you for this excellent video.
+Beverly Glover I'm with you on this, the strong binary divide drives me crazy if I think about it too hard. I was born female and have body dysphoria about having breasts that are large and presenting as female, but I'm not interested in being either of the extremes. Physically I'd rather be flat chested, muscular, but keep some female characteristics and ideally be androgynous, which would match my feelings of agender identification, but I don't really care that much to think about it.
And would I really? - because choosing androgyny could also mean being ostracised and being at risk of attack and invasive inappropriate questioning for no reason but not fitting in a strangers perceptual box.
Socialisation helped me get used to the rules, but I'm very uncomfortable and feel misgendered when they're overtly applied to me as a "female", and I think the rules for males could be worse, if Norah Roberts' work 'Self Made Man" is anything to go by. I resent the us and them divide too, the objectification from some men that can't relate to women so badly they can't even be freinds, like women aren't people. That's so weird, and I've met people I liked, smart, good people, only to find they stopped talking to me when sexual involvement wasn't an option! I look around and gender seems like a religion that causes more harm than good. I just don't get it.
Your depth of self awareness and courage is profound. I'm so grateful I found your channel.
You're the first person I've seen who shares this view point with me. Thank you for sharing your story
You are so awesome Jonah. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with us. Personally, I want to be invisible, to just be seen as a male. My close friends know, and that is enough for me. I do sometimes think I wish I could tell people I'm trans, but only when I perceive a woman sizing me up as a potential problem. I always want women to be comfortable around me, and I hate that the culture is such that many women don't feel safe around men. But all I can do is be a good guy. Thanks again for your video. You are so brave and such a strong person. :)
Teddy Theodore It does feel bad to be stealth and have women distrust you for the danger you pose as a man. Even if you're invisible as trans, being visible as a good guy will still change things for the better. Leading by example is admirable.
Thank you for sharing your "story of both-ness"! It's so needed in the world. Love and hugs.
Huge respect to you! Embracing the Grey of anything is challenging. You're awesome, & it's great that you're sticking to your Truth, & being honest that the details of that Truth can be as surprising to you as they are to the rest of the world. All the best with your journey!!
I wish this video was everywhere, because it's exactly what I had to learn myself.
Very moving, thoughtful introspection- I am an old straight white male whose work brings me close to folks in all stages of this process-I am trying to educate myself from the literature and from others' lived experience. Your elucidation of the irony of reinforcing the binary that you also reject was very well said and is something that has been gnawing at me but I had not articulated it so well. Also impressive how you can take so much meaning from your experience and share it without insisting it applies to everyone-this should be simple but hardly anyone can do it. thanks
This is indescribably beautiful, thanks for sharing.
The depth of your self-understanding is something we should all strive for.
This is beautiful! My partner is going through the same thing right now and I have been trying to watch more videos to be more supportive of him. Thank you for speaking your truth! You are opening the door for a lot more trans men to be at peace with themselves. Good luck on the rest of your journey! Love & Light!
Jonah, I know it has been over a year since you posted this video, but thank you so much for posting it. In a world full of people hating themselves and taking drastic measures to change what they were born with, you are the brave individual who was just honest. You are a very eloquent speaker and I can tell you are an intellectual. You truly could write a book about this subject with substance. I respect people like you.
Thank you!!! This is a thing I have been thinking for now few years... Im also ftm and being on t for five years but I have always felt the same way to do also. I just have decided to stop t, the reasons are the same and its very great and cheering to find a person who thinks the same. I will start following you!! Really thank you. Your words are the words in my mind that never really came out
I honor you for your sensitive, thoughtful and honest sharing of your experience. You express yourself very effectively and in a way that moved me. I am currently the weekend coordinator for a GBTQ ManKind Project weekend in the Carolinas in August and will recommend this to other staff. My hope (and MKP's goal) is that our weekend will help men step into leadership in their lives and their communities around transgender and other issues. You model this for us. Thank you!
Finding acceptance of yourself is such a great thing. I think it's wonderful that you've found a path to your real self and that's all you can really ask for in life. Good luck on your path!
This was truly beautiful, you are a very strong person. Everyone should watch this video.
Caden Manchev Love to you, brother.
Everyone must choose their own path. Good for you in finding yours.
Tears for you and me. Your every word touched my soul as I know exactly how you feel. Bless you.
What a beautiful video. The words that you said needed to be said and heard. Mother Earth is HUGE...and there is plenty of room for every single one of Us to be exactly who we truly are. Thank You.
What your saying is so beautiful and interesting. It's so self accepting. So beautiful.
This is amazing and clear and I think gender is at the heart of a dynamic that is destroying the planet. I see folks like you as being the hope of the planet and I mean that quite literally. Thank you for bieng so brave, so clear, so articulate.
Alfred Adler understood that our belief that male traits are superior to female has created the downfall of our society.
Jonah - It is truly a pleasure to listen to your truth. What you so eloquently explain is what I've been writing about (in my personal journal) for several years now. There has always been a part of me that although embraces that I am transgender, I cannot deny the beauty of my entire experience in this life time. To not accept my ALL would be to deny the beautiful being that I came here to experience. I respect that every journey is different, but I've come to understand that straddling the masculine and feminine personality/qualities ...is what makes ME whole!! We are so much more and beyond the experiences on this plane ...and dear friend, I am so grateful for you, that you exist and that you are sharing your experience. Much love to you Jonah!
As a young pre-everything ftm, this video was both very very informative and also relatable, that set off a number of new thought processes. Thank you so much for opening a discussion on a topic that isn't spoken much of!
That's beautiful. A beautiful message to anyone experiencing body dysphoria.
in the vast majority of pre-contact indigenous tribes, transfolks were integrated as an essential reflection of the nature of Nature themselves (since the real world is one of multiple realities all intersecting at once). ive always hated the way the western world pathologizes transfolk based on this false binary gender dichotomy....you are here for a reason and the very existence of your trans reality is not only beautiful but gives me hope for the rest of the world :)
Yes, they are called "two spirit"...its such a beautiful term for the hybrid experience.
Okay, no. I'm tired of this bullshit. As a Native American, I am telling you that most tribes were sexist, homophobic, and transphobic; including my own. Stop idolizing "indigenous cultures" that you don't understand. They were just as horrible as the rest of the ancient world.
The "Two-Spirit" concept is a Neo-Native American culture aspect. Like dream catchers, they originated from a few tribes. The concept got slightly twisted to suit the needs of the majority who liked the basic idea.
(In this sense, it's sort of a consensual culture appropriation).
What you are saying is misinformation. Please stop that and check your facts.
Aubren Lewis hey I appreciate your input and you're totally right! I guess I appreciate the concept, as many others including other indigenous folks do. I am mixed blood too :)
Of Native American? What tribe?
I understood about two of those words...
About half way through you touched my heart and off and on I cried up until the end, at your honesty, your bravery, you are a true pioneer. I cried for your sacrifice, for your ability to trust how God made you, for your standing in such a NEW place despite the critisism. You are opening up a new place for people in the middle. You give me hope.
I am so glad I came up on your video. Feeling myself very much the same as yourself. You answered my questions. you are resilient, and an amazing man, Thanks so much for sharing.
I have waited a long time for this video.. And it did not disappoint ..you are truly one of the most intriguingly beautiful, intelligent, soft spoken individuals I have ever come across. Seriously!! I'm not a crazy creeper but my gosh your eyes and that mouth.. Wheeew you are like on an entirely different level than the masses.. You were right, you were born exactly the way you were supposed to be born... And I'm telling you now my dear, you are are destined for greatness..
Ashley Summers I can't tell you how encouraging and beautiful your words are. Thank you for that.
Happy to know I met your expectations, too ;)
Can't wait for video número tres lol you are utterly amazing ..
Thank you for sharing your story and speaking your truth! I know living authentically tends to mean taking a lot of hits, and many hit a lot harder because you're more vulnerable. But your courage and your true self are seriously radiating out of you in this video. I haven't seen your other videos, so I don't know what you have looked like or what you would look like if you could be reborn in the vessel that matches your inner map, but when I look at you I see a person who I would love to know, would be proud to call a friend, and can learn a lot from. I hope that as you explore all of the joys, limitations, revelations, triumphs, and sorrows of being hybrid, you find inner peace, freedom from static, and community with those who are able to see the authentic you. All the best to you!
insightarevolution You are quite articulate. And quite beautiful. I would be proud to call you a friend.
I am a psychologist in Georgia and I am so so so thankful for your video, your perspective, and your insight. You are a blessing in this world.
This made me weep. You express yourself so beautifully. Thank you.
wow... ur so inteligent, i just want to give u hug
Thank you for your courage and bravery, I respect your narrative so much. I understand where you're coming from. I was prominent in the social justice community on Tumblr. I had been where most females have been. My fear of men and getting raped again consumed me, it paralyzed me. It paralyzes me. I have heart palpitations just entering the male section of a clothing store. When men are around me, I can feel how small my body is. My blood pulses to the end of my veins and I become so very aware of how short that distance is. And once I came out as trans, as male, what was a respected narrative, a loud, well-spoken voice, was suddenly a person forcing themselves into a marginalized, discriminated community, a voice that was trying to speak over. I was hated. I was called trash and scum and told to die, that my very existence was displorable and disgusting. The hate was so bad that I deleted my account and took to the other extreme to find solice. I ran from a world of hating men to a world that exmbraced men and side-eyed these feminists. And while I've learned that my opinions, my thoughts, my preconceived notions were wrong, that not all menwere violent, still I was between to very different worlds. And it's so hard. It's so hard that the story my biology made me have is erased by three small words, "I am male". I struggle with it daily. Hearing all the crying for men to be equal, that men have pain too; I still have that instantaneous gut reaction to cry out that women have it worse. I can never unlive, unknow, retract, or reject my female experience. I can never retrograde on living the harsh reality that men's esteem is maybe not as important as women's safety.
And there will never be peace in that.
But as you said, it is unique. It is my purpose. I was made to speak.
Although nothing makes me more excited than shot day, and I find harmony in my shifting body, there will always be doubt.
And being on that line, I know I am but a few inches away from speaking your story as my own.
Thank you, friend.
You are not in this alone.
You are a beautiful human being.
Kristoffer S Do you perchance live anywhere near me? Because we need to have coffee.
You have shared yourself so openly with me. I cannot imagine how my video could spark such an amazing outpouring of truth and pain and love. But I am so grateful. Your narrative is similar to mine in many ways.
Whatever your narrative becomes, wherever it takes you, never stop speaking. Never stop speaking.
I'm autistic and nobody knew so I didn't get the help I needed. My parents just left me in my room. My mind consummed itself. All I had were my thoughts. To imagine my words are worth speaking, after so much silence, when I couldn't speak, is mind blowing.
Thank you kindly, sir n__n
The way you put that was truly beautiful.
You astonish and inspire me. Thank you for having the courage to share your journey- it has impacted me in ways i can barely explain. So, I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite quotes "You need only claim the event of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality." -Florida Scott-Maxwell
Why does transitioning have to be throwing away a large part of you? That's still your story that's still a part of you. Changing your body to match your brain (and passing as male)only changes the fact that your past isn't on your sleeve and you may have to have close deep connections with people before telling that story. Just my opinion to each there own good luck on your journey everyone's is different
You are right, I was born the way I was for a reason... That reason I am learning more and more each day/week and what not. You literally just stopped me. I was very confused, but I wanted to. I now completely feel and know that I should just be who I am. I can't be a man, I thought of this as well... You video made me cry, I'm crying as I'm typing as well... Thanks for the eye opener.
I just came across this - there isn't anything that I could say that others haven't said already. You are so remarkable.
You are so full of wisdom and I found so much truth in what you said! Thank you for sharing.
Heart touching video and thoughtful comments. I need a moment to take in how much this moved me.
I am a genderfluid, assigned male a birth. I change almost every day often twice or more in a day.
When I wake up it helps to ask myself who I am at the moment so that I can better dress and prepare for the day.
I more frequently find myself as female or nonbinary then male but for the sake of family and some relations(both of which I am working on improving) I present as male regardless of the rarity of actually fitting that roll.
I find the message of this video to be vary powerful and it is amazing to me how much he(hoping that is correct) stood up for his humanity.
This idea that you have to look or be a specific way is absurd. I am proud he could show himself and pass but hod onto his being well enough to say who he is and was and will be, that even if his appearance and voice are different, he should be allowed a life to discover what this body image is and how to best express it.
It shows me that though hormones, surgery, voice training, magic, or anything else must be done for yourself and not for others. Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that.
It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand.
As a genderfluid I do sometimes feel male, but people don't see who I am at any given moment and regardless of what gender I feel like the things I like to do and dislike to do are still fairly the same.
I should not be expected to like power rangers, think flowers are silly, to desire to wrestle, or build, just based on how I was born.
I would like to be a female, to live and reproduce as one, but it is true, I am not one. I probably will not achieve such a body switch. But even if I did it would be for me, it would be because I want to choose that lifestyle. Given that ideal I would still be genderfluid, I would still feel male sometimes, and that is okay.
It should be seen as okay. It should be okay to say "I am a woman, and I choose a male lifestyle." or "I am a woman who was told to be male, choosing a female lifestyle" or even "I was told I have to be a gender but I choose to live without."
It is huge and validating to hear someone say that they have transitioned and though they are their expressed gender, they are still transgender and that is part of their identity.
I would like to say that I am proud to be genderfluid, I wish for people to soon see me as female but I am proud to also be transgender. Proud to take this choice for myself, and go.
Thanks for this video and thanks to all who took the time to read this long comment.
+JareMicah Schmidt "Because to show who you are is the goal, and who you were is part of that.
It is who you are not and were not, that you want people to understand."
So poignant.
+BlunedFSharps Thank you.
You are so articulate and brilliant. Your soul is beautiful. You will do great things with your life. Stay strong, you are not alone.
I'm really proud of you for posting this. And the bravery that it takes. Thank you for sharing your story.
i am about to start my transition soon, and i have been having my doubts hence why i'm here. You make it really comfortable to be doubtful, through your words i even understand where my dad stands with things, saying i can love myself because i am already who i am, i appreciate your video because it makes me more confident in my decision to continue, to be the best person i can on the inside but also make/'hide' the outside to make myself more happy, either way i know i will be me. thank you
I feel your pain... I am in the exact position as you are but the other side. I have experienced the same exact thing as you did, although I went on to use the hormones because I felt a lot better in a estrogen body then in a "driving me crazy" testosterone body.
I have been this way for 15 years now and there is not a day goes by where I wish I would have been born in a female body. But at the same time, I realize that If I would have been born in a female body, I might have struggled the same way... Why? Because there are people who are in the wrong body and they do the switch and they do live very well after. But for some others, switching will help, but the truth of the matter is that you are not a transgender person, you are androgynous person. I believe that your soul is equally a man and a woman and there is no place whatsoever for us in this reality, so we feel the pressure to change because it feels wrong to be in one body or the other. While transitioning I was the happiest while I was in between not when I reached the woman side. Overtime, I rebalanced myself in the middle. I am androgynous, I am female and I male, I love women and I love men and I think you are the same. Otherwise, you would enjoy your testosterone cocktail every week and it would be a blast...
Although, I don't like to segregate, there are amongst the different shades of trans, a kind that is not binary, and if it is not already difficult to go from side and to walk towards the other, it is absolutely excruciating to find out when you are done with it, that the opposite side is not home and that along the way you should have stopped (which obviously you did) somewhere in the middle and that you missed it.
Our souls are not dealing well with a binary systems and It is a very lonely place to be because even you understand both sides very well, it is very difficult to relate to either.
Anyway, I hope you find some solace... Cheers!
Note to the readers: I would like to mention to the readers in general, that I don't regret transitioning at all. For me testosterone and being a man was really driving me crazy and what I wrote should not be taken as a reference to scare some pre-trans people to not do it, on the contrary. It is more a cautionary tale for the people that are ready to switch that it is a good idea to find out for sure where you feel best, being a man, being a woman or a little bit of both. Nothing is black or white in the trans world.
hey you,
I am now in my 5th month of hormonal therapy, I 'pass'(such a stupid word) fully right now and even before injections I passed most of the time.The thing is, that now I stopped fussing whether my haircut or clothing is 'passing material', I don't care anymore. I don't care not because of some particular changes(i didn't change a lot though) but because I am not afraid to be seen as trans anymore, I am more provocative and daring. Your point of view is quite gripping to me, because I stopped being fearful right after my first injection, which was kind of a ritual, an ending and a beginning at the same time.I know I'll start seeing a young MAN in the mirror soon and this knowing helps me to embrace my transsexuality. While before T I was very sharp and insecure even about the word 'trans'alone, I just wanted to be a man, no compromise.
I totaly agree that the vial and the needle will not make you, me or some other person who they truly are, but for me it's helping to reach the climax of my maleness. I don't feel that T is masking my path or even my own individual self, it's actually unveiling this path, the image I always had in my head, unvealing this severe and blessed voyage. And what about being invisible, yes, there is something of that nature in every ftms life (those who use hormones) when you start being 'just a guy' in the socieity. I don't believe there is such thing as 'just a guy' or 'just another girl', because every single random person you spot in a coffee shop, park, whatever could tell you at least one intriguing story from a personal journal. Our lives are happenning in our heads and I'll never feel just a guy, why would I care what my enviroment assumes?
Anyway, regarding trans stuff - I find FTMs sexy, both physically and intellectually, your speech and perspective is sexy as well and muchness wow lets love and respect more
Emilijus Sebastianas That story you just told me is beautiful. One intriguing story from each person's journal.
U are Amazing, I feel Ur Truth in My Soul. Although I have a different set of circumstances, the feeling is the same. The isolation, depression, frustration, suicidal thoughts, etc. It makes it difficult to truly live Life & be "normal" like everyone else...Living in Ur Truth takes a tremendous amount of courage & strength. Much Love & Respect
That was such a beautiful sharing from the heart. Such a deep dive into what is beneath the surface and what truly matters. Thank you. I wish you could have seen me smiling back at you as you were talking, because I could feel the love. That means you're finding out what it means to love yourself, and that is what every decision is really about.
So much insight in this video.
This is how I see it: Believing you are something that you are not, or wanting to be something that you can never be - is painful. And I don't believe anyone wants to live in pain. I can't truly speak for any other person on this planet, as I am not experiencing anyone's life but my own, but dear transsexuals. I believe you are confused. There is a difference between the spiritual and the biological world. And to me it looks like you're caught in between. In the biological world you will always be the sex you were born with. It can never be changed. Not even with surgery or hormones. In the spiritual world there are no boundaries. No sexes. And your experience as a transsexual can only be spiritual. No scientific research has ultimately proven the condition to be biological. Therefore the narrative "I'm a man trapped in a woman's body" or vice versa is a delusion. You can't be something you physically are not. It's just thoughts. You can identify with the opposite sex, but why would you identify with something you can never be? Stop fighting with reality and the things you can't change. Instead of looking to the physical/biological aspect you should look to the spiritual. Spiritually no one is male or female. You are just consciousness. Physically/biologically you will always be either male or female (or intersex in rare cases) no matter how much you resist. If you learn to accept the truth of your human condition I think you will be happier. If you are a feminine male you can transition into physical femininity, and call yourself a woman, because that is just a social construct anyway, but never believe that you are female, 'cause that is delusional. The same goes for female-assigned transsexuals. The moment you start fighting with the physical reality you are bound to be unhappy.
MammalucaArt The only reason I'm not deleting this comment (as it has nothing to do with my video, and is likely copied/pasted on several other videos) is that my viewers have a right to think for themselves and hear everyone's opinions on the subject. And you definitely buffered your opinion with phrases like "I believe" and "to me," so thank you. But let me tell you this: recognizing your genderless spirit can never make you comfortable inside of your gendered body. If you are comfortable inside of yours, congratulations. If you were previously uncomfortable, but have found a way to deal with it, congratulations. For many, the only "truth of their human condition" is the fact that there is a problem and no ideal way to fix it. You cannot tell them their discomfort is a delusion. Our human experience is the only tangible thing we have, and God forbid we spend 60 years in discomfort because somebody told us that looking for a solution would ultimately be more painful.
BluntedFSharps You can look for a solution all you want. I just don't think you will find the answer as long as you look for it in the physical world, or try to change your body, instead of examining your mind. From watching your video I thought you felt somewhat the same?
I am male-bodied and have always struggled with accepting this. I could have easily fallen into the classic transsexual narrative of "I am a girl trapped in a boy's body", but I realized at a very young age, that a sex change would never truly make me happy, because I could never be the other sex anyway. I asked myself "why am I so ashamed of being a boy with a penis and short hair in the first place?" and I realized that it was because of the associations these physical traits have in this world, and my social conditioning had implemented in my consciousness that because I was feminine I could only be a girl, and girls don't have penises or short hair. Gender is like language. We learn it almost automatically as infants from social conditioning. Why do people think their mind/soul/consciousness is gendered or sexed? I believe it's because of social conditioning. As soon as we develop our consciousness we learn that femininity belongs to females and masculinity belongs to males. It makes us limited in our understanding of ourselves. Therefore I think it's important to look beyond one's own logic, and that's what I did. Today I am still a product of society, as we all are, but at least I try to examine the logic behind my thoughts, which I think a lot of people don't care to do. I have come to the temporary conclusion that I am a male who predominantly embodies characteristics that our society attaches to females. Just because society has set these rules, it's not gonna brainwash me into thinking that my body should have been female, and make me come up with elaborate theories why my brain is that of a female. All these studies are themselves a product of a social conditioning/social constructs. There is no god-given answer to what it means to be a man or a woman, and why should it even matter?. We are all so caught up in our language and social constructs, it's not just transsexuals, they are just the symptom of a bigger confusion in society.
Bottom line is. Every human (including transsexuals) should keep questioning who they are throughout life, and understand that most likely everything you think you are, is something that has been tought to you. Most likely you will never know the truth of who you really are.
MammalucaArt I created this channel to explore all the things you just mentioned, and bring to light all the issues you mentioned. Many people don't stop to think about them. I strongly agree with a lot of your points about socialization, and believe our conditioning is so ingrained that it's nearly impossible to go back and pick through it all. But one thing I have to strongly protest is your calling the brain-body mismatch a "brainwashing."
As a 4-year-old, I didn't have the capacity for "elaborate theories," or any conscious knowledge of gender expectations. I had no shame for being female. No idea how a "male" acted, really, or why I'd want to act like that, or act like anything, really. I acted how my friends acted-boys and girls. I enjoyed the toys I was given. Didn't really care what my parents forced me to wear (that came in middle school, once I did have knowledge of social expectations, and did feel shame). And yet I felt an overwhelming incongruence between my body and my mental recognition of my body parts. Your theory cannot fully explain my experience. I can learn from it, sure-and other trans people may see themselves in it. But please don't generalize. Your experience is not representative of the whole.
BluntedFSharps "Your experience is not representative of the whole."
Absolutely not! I can only fully understand what I already know. And I have never known the feeling you describe of incongruence between the body and the mental recognition of body parts. Though your experience seems inherent to me, I also think that mental recognition is spiritual and cannot be blamed on biology. Therefore I can still only see transsexuality/gender dysphoria as a spiritual condition, not a biological one.
The reason behind my tantrum (sorry) is this war on "true transsexualism/transgenderism". These "true transsexuals" try to rationalize their condition with a biological explanation, but I just don't buy it. For me mental recognition/perception, thoughts, feelings and identification are pure consciousness and has nothing to do with hormones, chromosomes or anything biological in general. It will always be consciousness that tells you what you are. You can never be a victim of biology. You can only be a victim of your own thoughts. Most human suffering stems from thoughts, and most transsexuals (and people in general) are just completely blinded by their own thoughts and narratives, and have built their entire indentity on them. Of course they're gonna think I'm an idiot for saying this..
I consider myself a spiritual person. That's why I don't believe our consciousness can be explained fully from a biological point of view. It's not your body that is wrong. It's your thoughts about it. To be completely honest with you - I don't think there is anything wrong with reality. Our minds create the problems. And most people on this planet, including myself, are caught up in our minds most of the time. For me it's about stepping out of this illusion, and learning not to identify with my thoughts - no matter how inherent they may seem. We live in a post-modern western society. We no longer have to identify with our thoughts or our biology to survive. Thanks for reading!
MammalucaArt Thanks for your thoughts. While I don't agree with all of them, I do recognize your intellect, and hope that you too never stop exploring these issues.
You speak so eloquently. I really felt for you while watching this. I hope all is well and you are happy. :)
This amazed me. Everything that I've been feeling recently has been articulated in such a detailed way. Be comfortable in the skin you are in.
This is exactly what I think. I loved everything of this video, because it was like talking with myself. These are the exact reasons why I'll never ever go on T, I'll never ever spoke the truth about myself to my parents and family, and I'll never ever consider about surgery and things like that.
Thank you very much, and I hope your days will always be bright and full of happiness.
Female or male, you are an amazing human, and that's what really matters.
Stay strong. ❤️
Hey! I really like your video and I agree with you. In first place your are a HUMAN. Unfortunatelly in our society gender is binary, there is just such as "female" and "male and they expect you to identify with it. If you aren't able to do this, you can't really choose something in between, people don't get it, you have to fit in a category.
I have never heard about cis-genderism before. Thank you for bringing up and explaining it. I am not transgender, but watching this and thinking about cis-genderism I asked myself if was cis. Thinking about it leaves me with the conclusion that, there are definitly things i like about beeing a woman, and I am lucky tu be one. On the other hand, i wouldn't mind beeing a boy, i often asked myself how i would have looked like, if i had been sexy as man, if i had succes.
Also I vary very much my clothing and my perception.
I like to dress in a very androgenous way (tomboyisch), i used to wear binders when i was 15 and i shaved my head. Then, when i was 17 i started to discover make up and be more on the feminine side. I fell in love with a guy and i felt like i was "fitting in" as a girl and that everything was allright.
As my realtionship ended i discovered some gay tendecies. I admit that, not being chased guys and not chasing them that much, i feel less pressured to "fit in" as a woman. So i still have a very tomboyish side, but also a feminine one. Also i would not identify as hetero, homo or gay. Gay would mean to me, that i do not consider men at all, which is not true, because i fell in love with one in the past. Hetero wouldn't apply neither because it excludes my girls crushes, and "bi" would be too "binary (i could maybe fall for a trans). Futhermore, i don't have much of a phisical sexual desire, compared to other people my age, so there would be also a "asexual" aspect.
I do not believe in black or white, at least it does not apply for me. It makes a lot easier, but thats not fully me. I wish to meet a person, who will be ready to get to know all aspects of me, even if they seem contradictory. For others this might sound really confusing but in my mind it is really clear. I perfectly know who I am.
I am a spectrum of many aspects and you can't reduce me in a category.
That last line rang so true. Thank you for that.
You are very articulate and clearly have put a great deal of thought into all of this. Thank you for speaking - especially with regards to detransition in the context of body dysphoria. Being told transition "wasn't right for you" like I've been told (and I can probably guess you've been told as well) just seems to minimize the dysphoria aspect. Alternatives to transition are kind of a taboo topic in most trans circles I've encountered, compared erroneously with conversion therapy. But that's what you are doing, it seems - finding an alternative to transition in dealing with dysphoria.
Good luck, and you are brave for speaking out. There aren't any resources for detransitioners, so videos like yours represent what exists of the support structure.
+MiriamAfloat You're right-being told that "transition just wasn't right for me" is incredibly invalidating of the point I was trying to make. In fact, if you google my name, the very first result is an article in which I was misquoted as saying "it just wasn't right for me." So many people seem to be missing the message. I also believe applying the word "detransitioning" to everyone who's decided to quit T is grossly overgeneralizing and oversimplifying. I haven't detransitioned. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
I'm amazed at your honesty and depth of thought, you inspire me as a father to my daughter who suffers so much with her identity.
Thank you for having put words so clear on what my thoughts have been for three years. Being an 'alternative' (my word for 'hybrid', comes from an artist I like) is a choice quite tiring sometimes but in the end, it allows opening the eyes of society, and, above all, of all the souls and persons into that society. See, Society does not help people who ask themselves questions. Either trans, or cis. Often people who tend to have the will to think and explore end up forgetting their questions and become just what society wants them to be. But often, persons become sad or lost. And nobody sees it, for they are silent, they have even forgotten how to pronounce the questions. Then, being an alternative I think, allows me to talk to persons, friends or mere contacts, and no matter whether they're trans or cis, we always manage to get through so interesting thoughts about what society imposes on us. And not only that.
Really, thank you for having made the choice of talking, of being visible. This is a choice I have made long ago, and I never regret it. Hope to hear from you soon ♪
Wonderful video, and in parts quite poetic. For someone like me, who has wondered for such a long time whether I'm fooling myself one half of the time or the other, constantly shifting in how I feel and what I want, it's nice to see someone who isn't unsure, but who pretty much upholds the inbetween as something worthy in itself.
viewhue I am indeed sure that being unsure is freeing. I've always found that the most intelligent people are starkly aware of how much they have left to learn. Humbling ourselves to the in-between, to the open doors, to the uncertain future is a worthy life goal, I feel.
BluntedFSharps I don't even remember what I was looking for when I opened youtube this evening, but your video was just right there, so of course I had to watch it. I watched and couldn't help feeling that you were speaking my story (putting into words what I have not quite found the words to express.. and I definitely related to everything you said). It was INSANE how much your words resonated with me.
I do realize that we are two very different people.. and it's wonderful!
It is SO beautiful that you exist.. that I exist..
hell, even that youtube exists.
I guess I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a very important thing by telling your story. It's actually incredibly inspiring.. and although I spend a lot of time telling myself that no one wants to hear what I have to say, witnessing your bravery has absolutely effected me. It has made me think. It has made me want to act.. be heard.. be visible.
Thank you SO VERY MUCH!
honestly, i have NO idea who you are, but I have such a pure love and respect for you.
It's like, "damn.." Thank you!
If you're in L.A. let's fucking talk. haha.
RESPECTTTTT!!! :-)
also, I shared the mess outta this video.
Ash Cardona I am speechless by the love you just gave me, a stranger. The respect is purely mine. You should know that you've affected me, too.
Penciling you in for coffee if I ever visit the west coast...
I'm a cis straight woman and watching this video I find you extremely attractive. The masculinity of you. Your spirit. I just want to give you a hug. You are a man and you are so beautiful inside and out.
I am moved and deeply honoured by being allowed to hear your story. I admire your courage and devotion to be your true self, with your own rich and beautiful identity. This is the deepest kind of wisdom which most human beings acquire only through suffering.
I wish you all the blessings, love and happiness to come into your life, which you choose to live in freedom of who you are.
I just wanted to say you are an amazing speaker; articulate, genuine, and you share your experience honestly and with love and understanding. You inspire me to be true to myself. Thank you for sharing your story. Peace.
Dude that was deep. Great video. I'm mtf and I used to feel totally pressured to get the big surgery. Luckily I realized that I'm fine with being a hybrid before I wasted $20k. Fuck what people think.
There's no separating me from my estrogen though lol I love that shit
Most videos I've watched of post-transition individuals seem to have expected more and still have unresolved gender dysphoria. I wonder if the problem is closer to body dysmorphia and is caused by social pressures to conform to gender norms. I worry that treating transexuals by creating a false biology is not the best way to help. Anyways, very insightful video, I hope you continue learning!
Thank you for posting both of the videos that you have. Listening to them helped me in some ways. I find it hard to have a female body in so many ways. You ARE an awesome person and I thank you for that.
So inspiring. Your message transcends your individual experience and I really appreciate you communicating it. Good luck with your journey.
your eyes are so captivating.....
I'm so irritated by this vid, which probably means you spoke a truth to me. Peace
Riding with you on the exhausting hybrid/mutant train my love. It's a lifelong journey and one we can share only through stories and empathy. I feel kind of like we are all in this pack, lone wolves, yet interdependant. Our stories bind us, help to weave more stories, hold this web together. I'm glad to have been able to hold your words, thank you for sharing them. Much love from Casper. Looking forward to more thoughts captured on video xxx
Jonah, your reflective eloquence is powerful. Your phrasing is memorable and yur position informs my training with a trans group here in London. We are all on journeys, and yours has helped mine. Thank you.
peterinnewashgreen I am so thrilled by the diversity here. We're a community forged across oceans, age gaps, gender planes... Our stories are each other's.
God I love your videos. I'm glad I came across you. Very eloquent, very intelligent. And those eyes though.
I think this could be the truth for some, and other may disagree. I feel whatever your truth is, whatever makes you happy, live it. Also, IMHO, how one experienced life and judgement and fitting in and all those questions of the early 20's thankfully change later in life. Things become a lot clearer and simpler, hopefully. Thanks for the insight! :)
I'm glad you found a way to be happy with yourself! It's powerful thing to become able to begin to understand yourself.
This is deep, wise, and rich. As I watch this, I marvel at your ability to capture so lyrically the longing for completion you thought testerone would give, a kind of romance (and as humans we are so much about romance). Then it comes into your life yet doesn't deliver the completion of you you've longed for--because you were already complete as you were. Indeed, embracing the thing longed for would require an erasure of all you'd become in your life, in exchange for a flattened, amputing self. What a message.
Thank you for being true to you, in all your complexity, and sharing that with us.
+HerHealthySelf Wow. I think you just said it better than I did.