i am a cis woman and it wasn't until menopause that i started experiencing depression. what would happen, and it took quite awhile for me to even recognize it, was that a minute or so before i had a hot flash, an intense feeling of hopelessness and despair world descend on me and overwhelm me, and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. one second i could be happy and on top of the world, and the next inexplicably almost wanting to end my life. which taught me how this kind of thing is definitely physical and chemical, which i didn't have a clue about before.
You are a beautiful speaker, and I love watching your videos. I think your voice will be exceptional within the community, because you know how to focus it in order to share in a moving, motivating, and educational way. So much luck to you on your journey.
I'm not on T but I feel like when puberty hit it moved me further away from what I feel is my essence, like all these estrogen-emotions make it more difficult for me to just do me and get along with my business and what interests me. That I can get caught up in that estrogen-drive and it can move me to places I am not comfortable with (in my core) and that aren't good for me to go to. I've been contemplating different types of transition for about 8 years now, moving back and forth a little bit with gender-expression, but I keep second-guessing myself and am not sure what I want, and even when I am sure what I want the need of other people's love, approval, attraction, have stopped me. So for me, I do think there is something to what you are saying, though of course there are other reasons behind my difficulties in grasping the issue, and behind my inability to just do me (-childhood, being non-binary etc.). The topic is very interesting.
TY for sharing these thoughts about the chemical hormone influence over emotions. You've presented some perspectives that don't get covered much and some perspectives that I've never seen presented in scores of videos on these subjects.
I love your videos, the deepth, solid, congruence experience you share is teaching me so much. As a psychologist, I think everybody should watch them. Much love from Spain
This was really interesting. In a way it seems like once a person has experienced life coloured with oestrogen they can't un-know how the world looked through those eyes. The experience of having testosterone in your body can be pleasant but also 'other' sometimes because you are able to remember experiencing the world differently? Equally though if any time is spent living life through a testosterone perspective then that respite from being so emotionally led can not be forgotten either. This has really made my head full, in a good way I think. Thanks for sharing. BTW, your hair looks good short.
Hey Jonah, so nice to see another video of yours. I truly appreciate your intelligent and thoughtful topics, and I wish there were more videos of substance like yours out there in the community. Since I commented on your last video, I have begun hrt due to many reasons, the biggest being depression. I have only been on t for two weeks, but wow what a difference. Prior to that my depression became uncontrollable, I tried everything from self meditation and thought control to a brief few weeks of antidepressants. I eventually realized it was time to start hormones. It was that moment of realizing that last bit of strength I had was there to help me fight for what I wanted. My depression is completely gone now, and I did notice that after the 2nd day I felt like myself. It was almost as if my estrogen filled body was a puzzle piece that looked like it could have fit, but didn't.. as if it was jammed there and someone said "ahh fuck it thats good enough". But T feels like the right puzzle piece. Though, I am only two weeks in..I am curious to see how I continue changing emotionally. I don't feel my emotions are numbed (maybe because I am still in the beginning) but I do feel stable. I do feel like reality is changing before my eyes, my thoughts perhaps are a little more fuzzy, but still form as they did only slower. Of course some side effects like anxiety and a shorter temper. This topic interests me very much, I have thought about it many times before testosterone, and continue to think about it now on testosterone. I look forward to your next video!
I would love to hear about your thoughts again. I have been looking forward to them for quite some time. Please post a video, I think you're amazing and admire you so much.
I went off T 15 years ago and I want o say the depression gets better the first couple years are the hardest. I have other videos of yours and resonate with your experience I believe people like us do have a special role and something that I believe is apart of this is baring witness. Baring witness from our unique perspective with the full depth of compassion experienced with estrogen, growing up in a female body and being perceived as male for a period of time and perhaps still periodically.
Hi. I can't believe I missed this video, because I've been waiting for another one for you for months! Anyway, fantastic to see the new video, and now for some thoughts. I'm a trans woman who has been on HRT for one month, so full disclosure that I do not yet fully know what HRT will do to my brain. However, I do know a few things: Before puberty, I cried quite a lot, and after it, I stopped completely. Some of this was also from being socialized away from the tender and (perhaps overly) caring being I was by the constant harassment of my male peers. My reaction was to become incredibly bitter to the world. To make a long story short, a few years ago, I realized how important empathy and respect toward absolutely everyone were, and have gone totally away from that horribly negative person. To put things another way, I was well aware of the emotional barrier created by both society and puberty long before I even questioned whether I was trans. Now that I have been on HRT for a month, I'm starting to cry much more easily, which is a great blessing, because I've longed to cry more for years. Figuring out I was trans, and questioning before that, also helped put to bed the lingering remnants of that learned emotional wall (I was very uneasy about most things that made me appear feminine for a long, long time). I decided hormones were right for me for every reason imaginable, but the changes in brain chemistry were not a small part, especially because I knew they would come much sooner than the bodily changes. I would not say that hormones are a crutch for me, because they have not made my mental state particularly better or worse or even much different (at least not yet), outside of pure physical reaction, but they have reaffirmed what I already knew. Also, the physical changes hormones bring are insanely important to me, and I can't say that any but the most extreme changes to my psyche would ever make me rethink my decision, because the world is a lot less kind to a "man" in women's clothing than makes me feel at all comfortable.
Very insightful. Being 9 months on T, my anxiety and depression have drastically decreased and I increasingly have a new found ability to function and thrive as desired, which includes being less emotional. I would like to say, I still experience emotions, just to a different range and degree. I still have empathy and compassion, but I experience them more as a logical consideration rather than an emotional urge, if that makes sense. I feel that being on T has given me a choice with which situations I will choose to be more compassionate, unlike when off-T, I hardly felt like I had a choice in the matter, like E was controlling me, and I had no ownership of my life. It was torture that I didn't want to put myself through when I had the choice to be on T. While being feeling distant and unable to connect emotionally at times, it is the better option for me to feel that I own my emotions and that my emotions don't own me. I have not had a hysterectomy yet, so my E levels are still higher than normal male range. I do wonder how things will change once I do have a hysto. Thanks for sharing, take care.
I feel the way you feel about 5:30 to 5:45. That damn estrogen! I appreciate you talking about this because you give me, for the first time, an intimate perspective on male/female hormonal differences.
I'm non binary and your videos have been very helpful since I've started testosterone, I'm only one month on T, and though even before seeing your videos I have already acknowledged that I do wholeheartedly agree with everything you say and it is comforting to see a trans person expressing these issues the way you do. I'm unsure of the future but you've been very helpful. I make videos on being non binary and you've been a huge inspiration for the way I'd like to structure and speak in front of a camera. Good luck in your journey and thank you!
I was wondering if maybe taking a lower dose of testosterone would lessen the "numbing" effect while giving you the stabilization and other various benefits. Base testosterone/estrogen production is different for every man/woman, and perhaps a lower base level would work best for you. Just a thought that occurred to me.
I found your videos probably a year or two ago at this point, but coming back to them I find a very different perspective in response. I'm about five months on testosterone at this point, after struggling with depression basically since the beginning of puberty. For the past five months, I've been incredibly stable and generally just content. The fabled serenity. I'm not sure if my experience is typical or atypical, but I'll share it regardless. I think what you say about feeling "stable" is about the best way of describing it - because I really do feel stable, but I haven't really experienced it in a negative sense. If anything, I almost feel more connected to my emotions now that I'm not so afraid of them overwhelming me. Within the first two weeks of being on testosterone I felt my head distinctly clear of this haze that had been hanging over it for years, that just made me feel distant and disconnected from the world and from myself, feeling a lot but unable to really understand what any of it meant or why I was feeling any of it. Testosterone gave me the stability to confront those emotions and actually understand them - and I do wonder if I would've been able to have the revelations I've had without going on testosterone, but in the end, I definitely think it would've been infinitely harder and far less fulfilling without a stabilizing agent to facilitate it. I feel more in tune with my emotions, I suppose just because now they're chemically tailored to be processed and understood by my structurally male brain. I read a study, I forget where, speculating about chemical depression in transgender patients. Basically, when you take the FtM example, we have structurally male brains that are being flooded with female hormones and a lack of male hormones, and that just doesn't chemically function right. There are a few things to support it - studies done on depression in trans patients (mtf and ftm) going away without SSRIs, after starting hormones, and some related evidence just in the general cis popluation - we know that low testosterone levels in cis men, and low estrogen levels in cis women, have been linked to depression, so it's reasonable to think that both male and female hormones play a role in our emotional stability, depending on the structural makeup of our brain. I think there's something to be said for not just the flood of female hormones in a male brain, but the absence of male hormones in a male brain causing problems. Prior to starting testosterone, I was on a hormone blocker (lupron) for three months for a variety of reasons, and I think I did notice some emotional changes on that. I definitely felt stable, in a sense, now that I wasn't being flooded with estrogen, and perhaps it was partially just circumstantial stability of knowing my body at least wasn't doing the *wrong* thing anymore, and knowing that I'd be able to start testosterone soon. But I do think I also experienced a bit of an odd emotional numbness in the absence of both testosterone and estrogen. Taking the estrogen away didn't cure my depression - it just numbed it, a bit. My brain didn't have the wrong thing, anymore, but it still didn't have the right thing. Getting testosterone is what "cured" my depression - giving my brain what it structurally needed to function. Of course, the neural networks that embraced depression cemented themselves for years - testosterone doesn't cure that, that's something I'm working through myself, but testosterone I think has enabled the stability that I needed to confront that and start working on the things that I was in control of. I was a functioning person in society before starting testosterone, but not a healthily functioning one, and I certainly wasn't a functioning person in respect to my own internal reality. I don't think there's really a right answer here - I know that personally, at least at this point in my life, I need testosterone to feel like I can cognitively and emotionally function. But I think there are certainly some people, like yourself, who could manage that in other ways - I'm just not in a space to deal with that myself, at least not yet, and cognitive effects aside I definitely understand your other reasons for quitting testosterone, but I don't personally feel affected by them myself, so I don't have any doubts about being on testosterone for the physical implications.
Lachlan Harrison Thanks for such a thoughtful comment. There was a lot to unpack there. The stability is something I still miss all these years later. There is nothing like it-chemical mood stabilizers that also increase your strength and energy levels. It explains so much of why we are the way that we are, as humans. We are our hormones, in a sense. It’s s theory I’ve never been able to shake-that hormones play a far greater role than we think. I hope you continue to feel at peace and at home with your HRT and continue to think through the mind-bending issues that affect it.
You are so gifted on an intellectual and emotional level, your descriptions about the changes you observed with and without Testosterone are extremely useful to understand a lot of differences between men and women. I would be really happy to see other videos made by you, and I would like to know if you are happy now, if you feel well, if you are okay, because I saw your 3 videos and I care for you now!
As a trans woman I can tell you that I feel the opposite on estrogen. When I started taking it I started feeling a lot more confident a lot less depressed. The fact that you feel depressed off of testosterone could indicate that your brain genuinely is running more efficiently and therefore your overall mental health will improve due to testosterone? It sucks to feel like you're dependent on something but hopefully with new technology coming all of us will be able to produce our hormones naturally. Good luck.
i think testosterone has vastly helped me cope with depression and anxiety. however it has also created a distance between myself and general emotions. weather this is positive or negative is hard to say. there are huge advantages and disadvatntages in taking t,there are wins and losses in both courses of action. i enjoy life so much more now not dealing with anxiety, but i do wonder what am i giving up in return . interesting video... always good too hear your thoughts xxx
Always good to hear yours, ProfessorPascal . You are right in that either course of action has so many losses, yet so many gains. Difficult to choose which course I'd prefer, really.
Interesting video! I totally feel that T has made me less emotional (I'm one year on T), I used to feel some kind of anxiety or sadness everyday Before. But I feel that the emptyness/numbness that I feel inside now is much worse. Right now I'm trying to change other things in my Life (work, living situations, social Life) to try to find out how much of it is from hormones and how much is really my depression.
There's something angelic about you;; and you seem a really interesting person I want to start T as soon as possible, because I don't identify as female (I'm not sure if I identify as male either tho?). I wan't fat redistribution and a voice drop and be able to pass for male when I want to. I rly hope I will feel better when I get that..
Thank you for this video. Hope the depression passes; you are being prayed for on the other side of the pond. You are courageous and have helped me. Au revoir.
Not sure how you will feel about this but...have you ever thought about posting a video that has nothing to do with gender or being transgender? The reason I ask is because you appear an interesting person, well-educated, articulate and I think people would enjoy hearing your thoughts on other aspects of life, whatever they may be and whatever angle you chose. I am not ignoring what you have to say about being transgender and respect your perspectives (in fact what you say is very thought-provoking) but rather am asking if you have considered expanding your posts to include other topics. You are an engaging speaker. In any case, thanks for sharing, you have been so honest and introspective, it is a real pleasure to listen to you.
Sylvie, thanks so much for your kind words. I have thought about making other videos-one video in particular, about poverty and how it affects motivation. But right before I took on the project of making my 4th video, I fled to the wilderness of the Western US and began a more tactile life of manual labor and living off-grid in extreme temperatures. It freed me from social concerns, electronics, and really from having to think (as bad as that sounds). Living in my body now and not in my mind, I find other things to be important, and gender to always be secondary. If I were to make videos now, they would be about doing more, talking less (ahhh the irony...making videos is talking instead of doing); they would be about vitamin D and variety and exercise and endorphins and minimalism and...so many things. You know, you may have convinced me to make more videos. You're incredible :)
BluntedFSharps Im so glad to see this comment. I was concerned about you :) I've watched your videos today and deeply appreciate your eloquence and thoughtfulness I'm glad you are you :)
Hey, it's nice to see a video from you again. I've been wondering if you were going to make any more for awhile. Your other videos were intriguing, but I couldn't help but wonder if you had gone off testosterone for other people's benefit rather than your own since you were saying that people didn't recognize you on T.. I'm very close to going on hormones myself, and actually, feeling less emotions is something I am looking forward to. All my life I have been overly sensitive to every little thing and I would get angry very easily at the dumbest things ever day... and I'd often fall apart and cry and yell and wake up the next day wondering why I lost control like that. I'm looking forward to some of those crazy emotions being numbed.. I actually want that. But at the same time I do like being able to feel deeply and empathize because it's useful for my writing, for character development and such... I hear some people go on low doses where they feel stable and still maintain their ability to feel emotions. Maybe I'll end up doing that in the long-term. This is the dilemma every trans person faces, I guess. But I'm like you, in that I really don't want to have to depend on some external thing to survive. I hate that I need to, and I would prefer if I could go off T someday and still have people acknowledge my gender identity without me having to do this forever...
I see where youre getting at, two different hormonal systems undoubtly represent different qualities. I felt I was out of focus before and now I just feel like.. I dont have that split personality anymore. I am who I am, and the biggest relief for me is not to have to think much about gender anymore. Anyway, I was always very sensitive pre T, and Im as sensitive now. I feel the first two years was more stable, but now, 3 years on T Im as depressed and anxious as Ive always been..lol, only, Im free of the gender anxiety. But my existential anxiety is definitely as strong as when I was 5 years old. Only difference now is, Im in a better shape to deal with my emotions now, because I feel like a whole human being.
Oh all the others! I feel more now than Ive ever done. I will describe myself as emotionally either numb or depressed/anxious before starting T. Now I can feel my whole range of emotions. T actually made that possible for me.
***** Wow! That kind of blew my mind. T took away your heightened sensitivity to pain, and therefore freed your ability to feel other emotions. After being on it for a while, of course. I wonder if others feel this way after being on T for a while.
Thats right. I personally know two others who experienced the same. I always thought this was the reason we can live a good life on T, not just the physical changes. Unfortunately, people talk almost exclusively about the physical changes, I guess emotions are always harder to talk about.
I am a trans guy and since i'm not yet on T I still don't really fully understand the emotional wall that you talk about, but you mentioned that many trans guys say they appreciate the barrier it puts up and I feel like I will too. I have always been one to cry at anything and everything, I would go so far as to say i'm more emotional than many cis women are. Granted, this may have something to do (or alot to do) with dysphoria and constant feelings of not knowing who I am or what is going on in my life and the spiral of emotions for most of my life that made me more fragile in general. I feel after much thought that testosterone will be a good experience for me. The biggest thing I have had to realize about transitioning and about hormones, is that they do not and will not take away my problems. They won't solve my issues as if by magic. I have to do that myself. But the good thing about it is they have the ability to give me the tools to do it. They can make a person bloom in personality and confidence and socialization not because they became different but because they found the peace they were looking for in the changes. I don't know if this even makes sense but I am feeling some stuff.
I was on testosterone for 7 years and then went off and I don't want to discredit your experience (its very valid) but I do want to publicly challenge your perspective and how essentialist you seem to be (in relation to your experience and hormonal influence on the human body) and the way that you engage the epistemology of western science in your explanation.
I’m wondering about how much of educational traits are in what you call strogen (estrógenos). When you feel again your emotions on a deeper level, you conect more with shame, guilt, fear... depends on you education and values how your brain is gonna associate things. I dont think strogen makes you put yourself after others directly, it just makes you more expose (emotionally) and then your educational traits come along. Just my opinion!
So basically you think like a man you are, but the estrogen makes you understand or maybe even mix the way you think with the way women think. Must be really confusing? But maybe it is like a superpower? Maybe you should just learn to find an equilibrium? And you will become a super human: logical yet emotional and caring? Maybe that is what our planet needs?
your right in your prospective, it's nice to be stable, but I did an do like the extra emotions when I'm on Estrogen I've gone off for a few years, missed it.. went back on for two years now, and plan on going back off Estorgen again kinda like you, I have been coming to terms with this and seeing I like being Me.. I like being the "in the middle" I'm not exactly all female I'm not exactly all male, I don't want to be pinned down as one or the other, in fact I find it a Hell of a lot more free to just be Me. On another note seriously your like probably the most attractive person Ive seen in years, and you have a real ability to bring this light of balance between the genders which I find Very Very attractive. ok I'll stop going on rambling now.. Have a great day
Ralph Waldo Emerson once quoted "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Your videos pretty much summon up that quote. They are informative, insightful, touching and entertaining (you have a very cute cat by the way!) I look forward to watching more of your videos in the future. All the best... Rani
I've already commented on you're first video and now i've seen them all. I'd LOVE to discuss this with you because i'm an overly-emotional human being as you describe yourself, and I also feel the need to put others well-beings before myself...and I'm also trying to link all this stuff to being trans, being born female, and i'm actually on therapy right now....wich have helped me made my own conclutions about what you say, and i think it could be usefull for both to share views on it....please answer if ur interested. I'm looking for answers so as you are...best wishes for your journey!
Thanks for sharing. I tend to think that the way we act has very little to do with hormones, or, at least, those are most certainly not the only factors that contribute to our behaviour. I would to know your socio-economical circumstances and how those contribute to the interesting points that you raise and to this very different approach to transgenderism. I feel a lot of what you say is perhaps a conversation with yourself really, perhaps in search of who you really want to be, which is awesome. Leads to a lot of good debate!
Tania Rossouw I would not have guessed hormones had much to do with how I acted either, until I drastically changed my own hormones. My personality literally changed, and changed back when I quit T. This has become so controversial that I hesitate to even speak about it, really. But I plan to continue studying the correlation between MBTI assessment results and hormone levels, particularly in trans* individuals who use HRT. I feel like there's so much to learn there. You are certainly right, though-SO many things contribute to the formation of our personalities and behaviors, including socio-economical status. My status is nothing surprising, but I've had surprising exposure to homelessness and poverty with those close to me. I'm not sure how this could have formed my views on hormones, though. Humans are such complicated creatures. It's all pretty fascinating.
I have a slight understanding that testosterone might actually work kinda like an antidepressant, apparently it might use the same neural reseptors than heroin.
Personally after going on T I have been much more emotional. I think it is possible that hormones just effect people's emotions differently :) I feel like even when I'm not sad my eyes just produce water lol.
Reading some comments here, people need to remember that we all have different levels of estrogen and testosterone in our bodies. That's why we are all different on a massive spectrum of "very female" to "very male" in terms of what we're discussing here. Taking T when you are used to estrogen is going to be a huge contrast. I agree 100% with the things that are said in this video and his other videos. You are a captivating person all around. Be careful.. you definitely have the "it factor" and could be a celebrity in the blink of an eye... Please, never get tainted, you are incredibly special and GOOD. XO
Being a man does not mean being less emotional, btw. That is a construct that is imposed upon people who are called and who call themselves men, by a cisgender state. Those who resist it (in the many ways there are to resist) must empower each other to challenge it inside of the identities that we feel at home in and inside of bodies we love and that we call our own.
paulasdf It's still not good to promise something and then never actually do it. I'm not a fan of his. I'm not waiting on a video. I'm saying that if he promises to make a video, he should be responsible and stick to that.
+BluntedFSharps Why can't people understand that life happens? Not everyone who makes YT videos can make them every day. It's your channel, post when you are able. If someone doesn't like it, oh well. This is your channel. Keep doing what you're doing dear and good luck with life in the beautiful Rockies!
Depression (and also bipolar) are not uncommon for those also suffering body dysmorfia. It might be helpful to see a natural practitioner (N.P.) they may be help you correct the unbalance you feel naturally. I have been seeing a N.P. for a car accident related injury and also anxiety. It's been really insightful. Love and peace.
+Emma Anderson Dysphoria and dysmorphia, while sometimes related, aren't the same thing. But I agree: I've been pretty successful correcting my own imbalance through natural means. It doesn't work for everyone, but it's a good start and always a good supplement when other treatments are necessary.
You seem to be a bit confused... and kind of sexist? I don't realy believe in feminine and masculine traits. I think everyone is unique and can express any variety of these traits. I'm a woman and though I'd like to think otherwise, I am incredibly selfish. I have never felt the need to put other people ahead of me or to take care of anyone. Harsh, but it's true. It also has nothing to do with my gender identity. I have "masculine" traits, but I still feel 100% that I am a woman, and I am very close with someone who is transgender and feels 100% that they are a man while also displaying "feminine" qualities. That's just who we are. I don't know if you want my opinion, but I suggest seeing some kind of counsellor or therapist to help you sort through your feelings. It has personally helped me a lot with various events in my life.
Spritszer Thanks for your thoughts. I'm definitely not sexist, though I can see how you'd think so, given the content of this video. I agree that "masculine" and "feminine" traits are not inherently tied to our biology; they're just social concepts-stereotypes that repeat themselves through every generation, because we teach them to our children. I'm not sure what it means to "feel like a woman" or "feel like a man," beyond the physical relationship we have with our bodies, and whether or not our bodies align with the signals sent from our brains. My first thought, though perhaps I'm wrong, is that you have more testosterone than I do because you feel less empathy. Maybe that's the "sexist" part of my beliefs, though it's not tied to sex in my mind-only hormone production. I also admit that it's a HUGE generalization to say things like "more testosterone = less empathy." The correlation isn't that direct, or that predictable, or even that consistent across the board. But a tiny part of that correlation is true, and my time on testosterone vs. my time off testosterone has made it more obvious to me. Hormones DO affect our moods, and (more controversially) our personalities. And they do so in a way that can be measured, and has been measured throughout history. Testosterone has always been linked with aggression, and estrogen has always been linked with emotion. Again, not a direct correlation-just a link. If I seem confused, it's because I am confused. How deep does that link go, and how much does it matter?
To me "feeling like a woman" just means that I'm 100% certain that that is what I am, and was meant to be. Even if there is social inequality, and maybe it would be easier to be a man, I don't want that, ever. I am completely happy with the gender that I am, and there just is no doubt in my mind that this is how I want to stay forever. For me, I don't even have to think about the links because it just feels perfect. But I guess that explaining this to someone who is transgender, or feels a misalignment between their gender and sex, is kind of like explaining what it's like to be straight to someone who is bisexual, it's very difficult because they have never experienced being attracted to only one gender, and I know it's difficult because I've tried. Just trust me that I would never want to be anything other than what I am :P As for the hormone theories, yeah. All we are is hormones, neurotransmitters, action potentials. That is, if you don't believe in souls, which most days I don't. We are all just a complex system of elements. That is why your testosterone theory has a basis, but also why I don't believe it; because I am so much more than testosterone. I am huge numbers of chemicals all interacting. Giving me more serotonin for example may make me happier, but I am still pretty much exactly the same, just slightly happier. I know this from experience. Also, even if I don't believe in souls, I can't deny that I am a product of my past experiences. I have created billions of linkages in my brain due to past experiences, and that is what I personally attribute to my selfishness. Based on related family, I can see extreme potential for compassion in myself, from women but also from men. One of my male cousins is actually the most compassionate person I have ever met... and I do kind of admire him... However, I can identify occurrences in my upbringing that have made me this selfish. Now, since I have identified these issues, I could technically change it, but I'm not sure if I want to, and that is a different issue. I think my overall point is that life is complex, it took billions of years of evolution for us to come in to existence, and it's basically impossible for us to completely understand ourselves. Those therapists that may prescribe you drugs... yeah, they don't even understand how those drugs work. All these medications are based on "hey, I gave a person this, and this seemed to happen, so lets keep using it" and a lot of times it works! but that doesn't mean that we truly understand the mechanics of it... So since we can't understand it, that brings me to my own personal belief of the meaning of life; to be happy. I think the goal here, is to find out what makes us happy, what do we do to make ourselves happy? If it is to take testosterone, then do that, if it's not to take testosterone, then do that. If it's to live as a woman, or a man, if it is to go travel, to play video games, to ride horses, to be a makeup artist, to do whatever, just do whatever you have to do to do that. Like Oprah said "Figure out whatever makes you happy as fast as possible" but as I say; It doesn't matter if it takes a long time (bc currently I am struggling to find my own happiness), just be happy.
+BluntedFSharps You cannot measure the impact of hormones on behaviour as long as human beings are growing up and get socialised in a society. The social impact on behaviour can likewise not be measured since behaviour is always a combination of socialisation, hormones and genetics. So there is no way to say, it could be measured or had been measured throughout history.
Please consider that your emotional swings may have to do with your special situation. I am a straight woman and - given normal circumstances with normal to greater difficulties- am very stable, cry very seldom, don't feel the need to put others well- being before mine (of course I like to help, but that's a social skill) , etc.. I cannot confirm your statements about the alleged effects of oestrogen but accept them as your personal experience.
BluntedFSharps For medical reasons I had to take estrogen for about a year. After a year they discovered that with that substitution my levels were more than 8 times too high, so I stopped taking it immediately and completely. And now my levels are too low again, but I will not take any substitution again due to side effects reg. the vascular system. Despite those enormous swings in hormone levels I didn't feel any emotional difference. I've always been well balanced emotionally.
Here's my personal experience with hormones, emotions, and being rational. Puberty hit hard and I was really fucking angry. I wanted to hurt people for hurting me, I was in emotional turmoil, and I almost never cried. But, BUT, I also believed I deserved better. Was it a result of an influx of hormones, or entitlement? Who knows. But I've heard trans guys say that their second puberty made them unable to cry etc but that stopped after a time? Maybe their bodies had to get used to the testosterone? Again, who knows. Anyway, I am also an extremely emotional and empathetic person. I don't know if it's natural, because I was raised to be consciously extremely emotional and empathetic by an NPD person, for their benefit. Regardless, I love that part of myself to a point that's almost sickening (and sometimes I hate it, because [relatable?] it tells me not to take care of myself first, which was exactly what the NPD person wanted, and I want so badly to be strong and not get in that kind of situation again). I'm not a righteous "white knight" by any means (at least not anymore... lol, I learned better) but I get very absorbed in fictional drama, even to the point that it's fucked up how much I'm enjoying the pain. MOVING ON. I have, since before puberty, thought of myself and logical and analytical, prided myself on that, and tried to analyze things and think them though above and beyond (possibly as a defense mechanism... PROBABLY as a defense mechanism). Whether that was actually true or I'm just full of myself...? Who knows. I've been too rash and angry at times (not at ALL analytical, logical, or thinking in those rash moments of anger and pride), and I've worked on that part of myself. Still needs work, but better than I used to be. I've also let myself feel *more* at different times in my life. I've blocked myself from feeling things at others. It takes a long time to develop those habits, and sometimes they're hard to reverse. I've lived for years with my head in the clouds, ignoring things like the actions of that NPD person, tragedies, etc, while still being emotionally upset by many things, because I was in denial to get through at that point. Once the Denial wall came crashing down, coping was a lot harder but I also loved harder, laughed harder, felt so much more empathy- in fact it felt like I was truly feeling those things for the first time, instead of just believing I was feeling them. I think that self-defensive head-in-the-clouds shit, focusing on my insecurity and ego while telling myself over and over that almost everything was so much more okay than it really was, kept me from feeling quite a few real emotions. I've struggled with what I've believed to be depression (suicidal thoughts and completely out of nowhere self harm impulses were a thing) but at times I think that couldn't have been it, because during that time I also felt moments of extreme love and happiness, not complete numb or sadness. It's entirely possible that I don't understand depression, or that I was wrong, or that I was simply self-medicating with my actions at the time and didn't realize it, any number of ways I could have been fooling myself. I guess it could have been bi-polar depression or some shit? I try to stay away from descriptions of mental illnesses, and I try even harder to stay away from people who could diagnose me. LOL. Go figure. I think my hormone levels have fluctuated many times over the years. I think I learned to be aware and deal with them at times, and at other times my body did. Maybe sometimes it was just a matter of growing older and experience teaching me how to deal with things. It's my personal belief that my emotional and mental state, all the things I lived through, was taught, and was convinced, influenced my emotions, my actions, and my thoughts about myself much much more than a hormone ever could. But these are all just my own personal thoughts and opinions. Any or all of them could be entirely wrong. I could be lying to myself and seeing this whole thing upside-down. I tend to believe strongly in us having a lot of free will and choice because I really, really want to, but that doesn't mean it's true. Haha. Wishful thinking. People can convince themselves of anything, I'm no different.
hey I am a poc (person of color/mixed race) trans guy, and I am here to support other poc trans guys! also I just posted a video about how to be more confident as a trans man. feel free to check it out friends!
My favorite star trek character was Mr. Spock, because he was all about being logical without any emotions. I have always wanted to be logical and rational, not emotional, which is why for a long time I hated myself as a girl and wanted to be a boy. There was a big difference between who I wanted to be and who I actually was. I wanted to be logical, I wanted to be manly, and in a way I deceived myself into thinking I was that way, that I had a man's brain, so to speak, but the truth is I am a woman; I have always been a woman. It wasn't until college that I heard my psychology professor explain that emotions are there for a reason, that I began to accept that I was an emotional person. So often having emotions is seen as a bad thing. It's like men are tough and awesome, because they are stoic, and women are weak and inferior, because they are emotional. I mean that is the stereotype, and it is wrong. Perhaps women are more emotional, but that does not make us inferior. God made man and woman. He made Adam first, and declared that it was not good for the man to be alone, so he made Eve, a woman as a helper for Adam. Men and Women do compliment each other and both are important. It's like you said about how men being more stable and able to make the tough choices and women being more sympathetic and caring; we balance each other out and help each other survive. God gave us certain strengths and weakness, and we need each other. Being in a female body, you are going to have that estrogen and maybe be more emotional than a cis male, and that is okay. It is good that you are able to recognize that. Being emotional is also nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn't mean you can't also be rational and logical too. It's more logical to admit you are emotional and allow yourself grace to feel those emotions, rather than to fight against yourself and try to be someone you're not.
hey! First of all you are such a beautifull brave and reflexive human being. i was seeing your videos an i got really curious, i mean, im a lesbian ciswomen ( or at least i think so, most of the time), i also suffer from depression and sometimes in the darkest lonely moments i even question my sexuallity, but anyhow , for years now that i am trying to discover the miracle cure for my depression and i always get to the same point, sports. I need to do sports for my emotional balance and for my mind body alignment and this is the interesting part, i need it for the fisical appearence cause i hate beeing to much femme, i hate having large brests and hips... so i guess i also have some kind body dysmorphia, so if i have to do some sports to kill my depression i surely take it (do it), but that was not the point. In your previous video "why i stoped taking t" while i was watching it someting blured my mind! Religion?! and that was before i read the comments, so i dont know, i mean dont get me wrong but yes i know that relegion or some other sort of spirituallity its very important to some people and i totally respect it. But there is something very tricky about this. And that is acceptance and purpose. i also strugled with this for a long time, till i just realized that some or even most of the stuff are not ok as they are! so its my moral responsability to take some action for it; and as for purpose also took me a long tome to "accept" that many things are actually just casualities.... here is a quote i love on this topic: "Mutations are the source of genetic variations, the underlying cause of the incredible diversity of life. If reproduction was always perfect, species would not suffer mutations and perish to find the various changes and environmental disasters over the years. In other words, without changes the tree of life would not have forked and life on earth would have failed. " Imperfect creation, Marcelo Gleiser oh! wanna make u a question, did you feel less emotional on T? sorry for the bad English with all my respect Jo
***** Hi Jo. Thanks for your comment. I'm not entirely sure what you're saying- Is it that spirituality can not explain our mutations and variations, and therefore my purpose is entirely what I make it (as opposed to it being divinely inspired)? Just seeking some clarification on that. And yes, T made me far less emotional. I actually didn't have access to a wide range of emotions on T, and the only reason I knew that was because I'd previously been flooded with estrogen. My emotional spectrum is far more complex when I have a lot of estrogen.
BluntedFSharps yes i guess so. Yeah that "ours" purpose should be whatever we chose it to be ( self responsability). But of course i dont wanna kill all magic in live, there will be allways some misterious mutation around, waiting... Never mind, some times i dont know exactly what im saying, just thinking out loud. Now i whant T ;) all the best
Hey Ralph, thanks for checking in. Making videos has been on my mind, but it hasn't been a priority or even a possibility as of late. I'm living off-grid in a remote desert working as a park ranger now; the internet connection is sort of iffy. Thanks for the compliment and the encouragement to get back into it :)
I found an awesome movie on Netflix last night...it is called "Boy Meets Girl" about a transgirl and her best friends and who she falls in love with. Made me cry ;o( so it had to be good. ;o)
you learn to use the emotions that you need given the situation that you are presented with. Even as a biological female you still have testosterone. Some people have stronger personalities than others as well. people are attracted to different people. Biologically we're programmed the way we are to ensure a future (procreation) of our species, but that doesn't always mean that everyone procreates the same way, or thinks of themselves as the stereotype, and that's ok.... I don't feel though that people should have to make themselves infertile to appease the public and "pass"... we're all genderfluid if you really think about it.. even guys are born with estrogen.
you have strong will and good head/heart to fight disphoria only like that... but its just... not too hard? maybe there is a middle ground there? Im trans. Its very hard to stay on transitioning... But there is an end there... and then you can go back to yourself again. I miss oneness too its just... Patience helps? Therapy, making your life easier, working on trauma regarding how you were misstreated by all your close ones, starting frome the very birth - those help. It all counts... and it is seriously hard thing. yes, its just you know... Is it easier now? Its not a judgment... geniune question. Sometimes i flip out... and go back to not willing to change my body or even to want to stay my old self, same reasons i guess: natural self feeling, not strict boundaries in gender within, freedom within you, name it... wholeness. But seriously, is this the wholeness we could achieve like just to end stupid incredibly hard journey and have unity? (srr my English)... Is this real gentleness for our-selves and those around us? i think no one can blame us for loosing it.. its hard. just. there is no one who would shame us, if we go back again... or do both... its not unstable, its intelligent and tired so on. what about that?
well there are women that dont care just like men that do care a lot. also at the end of the day testosterone is a human hormone, it i the doctors fault to feel certain way about trans people just because people have different uses for it. it may actually be good for to use it as that.. But it may as well be what you say, partially a psychological test
Explain a male or female brain. Explain male or female. Explain why people feel the need to take drugs to alter who they are or what they look like,when women and men can feel or express masculine and or feminine behavior. Explain a male or female mind! Not all men are hard and non emotional. not all women are timid and soft. Not all women are emotional and sensitive! men cry,some women don't! Why is everything always made to be difficult.
Do you take any vitamin/mineral supplements? Now that you're dealing with estrogen and periods again, some supplements may take the edge off and help with your overall well being and the dreaded PMS. You can google or I can send you some articles. Let me know and be well!
hmmm....i mean i kinda disagree, and here's why. in my experience men are emotional - their emotions usually appear as anger, aggression, competitiveness or excitment. i have known some *very* emotional men, and in general i know women to be calmer. but with that said, i think its interesting how the hormones affect us emotionally. i also think we cannot discount social factors when talking about these things we just cant. we are not just biological creatures. our environment, in fact, helps shapes our biology. with that said,, i think because of the social status of men - they have the priviledge to *project* alot of their emotions, which overall might make it seem like women are more naturally emotional, when in fact women are just shouldering emotional weight. women and people in feminine roles in general (women or men or children) usually shoulder the negative aspect of false dichotomies. there are many classic archetypal examples of this, like adam and eve - where eve is responsible for the fall, or the rape of persephone, or the many ther rapes in greek mythology. i mean the list really goes on. women/the feminine role experiences the emotion that the masculine doesnt want to be responsible for. this is incorrect and unnatural, but in modern society it is somewhat normal.
The things that these weird girls write here are so strange to read "You are a unique soul", "you are very special", "you did great". As a normal man I'd stay away from these people. What I want to say is that you have a female body language. It's probably the hardest thing for a female to develop a male body language. The way she looks, the way she stares, the micro movements. I needed just a couple of seconds to tell that you are not a man. So how hard is it for you to get rid of your female attitude/gestures in order to be a credible man?
+Gigatless It's not difficult at all to develop "male body language" if you're consciously trying to adopt it. I intentionally abstain from changing parts of my female socialization, including speech patterns and gestures, because that change does not feel necessary. I like who I am. I couldn't care less about being "credible." Are you a man because of your microgestures? Your maleness sells for so little when it's tied to something so shallow.
+BluntedFSharps you know so little about manhood, but Im not blaming you in any way. One day you'll understand that it's not just the looks or testosterone level that makes a man. I had a friend from thailand and I was quite curious how come he can so easily tell if a girl is a transsexual person or a cis female, and the exact answer was "behavior". Men and women act in different way, and it's even easier to figure it out in a dialogue, because thinking is one of the core differences. Feminine men are always repulsive to other men, because male friendship is based on solidarity, and it's basically an understanding that the other man is baked from exactly the same dough. That's why it's very important to be a credible man. Yeah, transgender people can always find a otp and lock themselves away from the outside world, but hey, everyone needs friends and social connections, and being a combination of both will make it unbelievably hard. Especially in building a career. But Im sure that you know that already.
+Gigatless I don't believe at all that looks or testosterone levels make a man. For me, it's purely physical. I've always known I was born in the "wrong body"-something that makes zero sense if you haven't experienced it. We'll have to agree to disagree on the behavioral aspect. I believe that behavioral "dough" is baked in socialization, not in birth. And I have learned most of it, and lived it, and gained solidarity with males who had no clue. I didn't like it (clearly, since I made this video). I don't like your assumptions about me, but I did enjoy your comment. You make some good points.
+BluntedFSharps agree to disagree indeed! You said that you are not taking testosterone anymore and you are afraid to keep taking it in order to use it as an antidepressant. How come you are not taking it anymore? Correct me if Im wrong, but if you are not capable to produce your own testosterone, you are (as a man) should keep a normal level, and adrenal glands are not capable of producing that much. If you are not taking it in order to understand something in life, it's okay for a certain period of time, but testosterone is needed for a good muscle work (and heart is a muscle), and it has tons of different effects that our body needs. If you forgot how many different things it does except for libido and hair grow - check it again. To be honest I used to have low testosterone when I was a teenager and I understand what you are saying here, you are afraid to become less empathetic, less sensitive, afraid to become an asshole (and men are natural assholes) and be repulsive to women. But when I grew up I got my T level back to normal and started to learn how to make good relationship decisions, went to army and realized that some things in manhood are nothing but a discipline. Thinking but not saying, saying but being gentle about it, picking a right timing (keep it inside for a while, not rushing). You don't need to share every feeling with your wife to be a good husband, you don't need to feel somebody's shame as vivid as they do to make them feel better by talking to you, you just need to be accurate in the things that you do and say. Being a man for me sometimes it's nothing but saying "No" to my own desires all the time. Just being calm and smart about your own actions does the thing. Well, that's just the things that I've learned in my life of being a cis man. But in any case, I strongly suggest to get your testosterone level back to normal as soon as you make up your mind. There are great men in this world that have a normal testosterone level and getting rid of it won't make anyone a better man, they'll just put a problem away for a while. But it's okay if you need that time to understand some things about yourself. Just keep in mind that there are a lot of work to be done in this world to make it a better place, and we are made to solve problems and do great things. No time to dwell in ourselves :)
+Gigatless I have a video on here entitled "Why I Quit Testosterone." It will help explain my reasoning in more depth. The traits you mentioned seem like good practice for all people, regardless of gender. I'll certainly heed the advice. Thanks.
Danger Dawn Hi :) Thank you for your comments on my videos. People are still reaching out to me daily after viewing these, and I constantly think to myself, “I wasn’t done. I should do more.” 4 (5?) years later, I’m now a park ranger in a very remote desert of Utah. I live off-grid in a 19-foot camper with no cell signal or TV and with unreliable satellite internet, but I enjoy my life and often think about rejoining the world outside the wilderness. So many cultural events and ideas and perspectives and music I’ve been missing. I hope that, whoever you are, you’re enjoying your life to the fullest and keeping the company of folks who build you up.
@@BluntedFSharps Yay! You are doing well, I'm so happy 🤠 and you are a park ranger? That's amazing and must be a fun experience. Hope that life is treating you better and that you are happy. Much love to you. I'm assuming by this update you are single, which is cool, sometimes you should focus on yourself before you can be with someone else
from what i understood t hormones wiped off your special and beautiful essence which makes you the wonderful being you are ...remember your essence is the most important thing about your self .you are depressed because you are extremely intelligent and sensitives qualities that combined can be hard to handle .you have a gift ...put it to work !!!! make more videos and let us enjoy your mind .you are gorgeous as a man and as a woman ,i am 52 i know what i am talking about.ciao
Lol jesiah mac. So mad over a fact and stuff. Based on my experience emotion and logic do not come together. men are not all logically and have less emotion. women can have less emotion and are more logically. it is personality and hormones do not do everything. I have higher testerone levels but I do not lesser emotion, i am a emotional wreck at times. but i can be emotionless at times.
U're just too fcking beautiful as a woman to transition into a man! Thank God you came back to ur senses before it was too late. I just wish u knew how stunningly beautiful u are and how much other women would give to even look as lovely and stunning as you do and are. Stay well.
You are a very unique soul, there is something so calm, caring, appealing, interesting, magnetic, and desirable about you!
I agree. So intriguing to watch and listen to. I want to know more.
i am a cis woman and it wasn't until menopause that i started experiencing depression. what would happen, and it took quite awhile for me to even recognize it, was that a minute or so before i had a hot flash, an intense feeling of hopelessness and despair world descend on me and overwhelm me, and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. one second i could be happy and on top of the world, and the next inexplicably almost wanting to end my life. which taught me how this kind of thing is definitely physical and chemical, which i didn't have a clue about before.
i saw how it can definitely be physical and chemical, i mean
I had exactly the same. I'm a happy optimist, but short before hot flashes I felt extremely depressed. Very weird, hormones can do that.
You have a unique perspective on gender. If you could it would be nice if you could make videos more often.
You are a beautiful speaker, and I love watching your videos. I think your voice will be exceptional within the community, because you know how to focus it in order to share in a moving, motivating, and educational way. So much luck to you on your journey.
I'm not on T but I feel like when puberty hit it moved me further away from what I feel is my essence, like all these estrogen-emotions make it more difficult for me to just do me and get along with my business and what interests me. That I can get caught up in that estrogen-drive and it can move me to places I am not comfortable with (in my core) and that aren't good for me to go to. I've been contemplating different types of transition for about 8 years now, moving back and forth a little bit with gender-expression, but I keep second-guessing myself and am not sure what I want, and even when I am sure what I want the need of other people's love, approval, attraction, have stopped me. So for me, I do think there is something to what you are saying, though of course there are other reasons behind my difficulties in grasping the issue, and behind my inability to just do me (-childhood, being non-binary etc.). The topic is very interesting.
TY for sharing these thoughts about the chemical hormone influence over emotions. You've presented some perspectives that don't get covered much and some perspectives that I've never seen presented in scores of videos on these subjects.
I love your videos, the deepth, solid, congruence experience you share is teaching me so much. As a psychologist, I think everybody should watch them. Much love from Spain
This was really interesting. In a way it seems like once a person has experienced life coloured with oestrogen they can't un-know how the world looked through those eyes. The experience of having testosterone in your body can be pleasant but also 'other' sometimes because you are able to remember experiencing the world differently?
Equally though if any time is spent living life through a testosterone perspective then that respite from being so emotionally led can not be forgotten either.
This has really made my head full, in a good way I think. Thanks for sharing. BTW, your hair looks good short.
Hey Jonah, so nice to see another video of yours. I truly appreciate your intelligent and thoughtful topics, and I wish there were more videos of substance like yours out there in the community. Since I commented on your last video, I have begun hrt due to many reasons, the biggest being depression. I have only been on t for two weeks, but wow what a difference. Prior to that my depression became uncontrollable, I tried everything from self meditation and thought control to a brief few weeks of antidepressants. I eventually realized it was time to start hormones. It was that moment of realizing that last bit of strength I had was there to help me fight for what I wanted. My depression is completely gone now, and I did notice that after the 2nd day I felt like myself. It was almost as if my estrogen filled body was a puzzle piece that looked like it could have fit, but didn't.. as if it was jammed there and someone said "ahh fuck it thats good enough". But T feels like the right puzzle piece. Though, I am only two weeks in..I am curious to see how I continue changing emotionally. I don't feel my emotions are numbed (maybe because I am still in the beginning) but I do feel stable. I do feel like reality is changing before my eyes, my thoughts perhaps are a little more fuzzy, but still form as they did only slower. Of course some side effects like anxiety and a shorter temper. This topic interests me very much, I have thought about it many times before testosterone, and continue to think about it now on testosterone. I look forward to your next video!
I would love to hear about your thoughts again. I have been looking forward to them for quite some time. Please post a video, I think you're amazing and admire you so much.
you're really smart and i'm grateful to have heard your perspective.
I went off T 15 years ago and I want o say the depression gets better the first couple years are the hardest.
I have other videos of yours and resonate with your experience
I believe people like us do have a special role and something that I believe is apart of this is baring witness. Baring witness from our unique perspective with the full depth of compassion experienced with estrogen, growing up in a female body and being perceived as male for a period of time and perhaps still periodically.
Hi. I can't believe I missed this video, because I've been waiting for another one for you for months! Anyway, fantastic to see the new video, and now for some thoughts.
I'm a trans woman who has been on HRT for one month, so full disclosure that I do not yet fully know what HRT will do to my brain. However, I do know a few things: Before puberty, I cried quite a lot, and after it, I stopped completely. Some of this was also from being socialized away from the tender and (perhaps overly) caring being I was by the constant harassment of my male peers. My reaction was to become incredibly bitter to the world. To make a long story short, a few years ago, I realized how important empathy and respect toward absolutely everyone were, and have gone totally away from that horribly negative person. To put things another way, I was well aware of the emotional barrier created by both society and puberty long before I even questioned whether I was trans.
Now that I have been on HRT for a month, I'm starting to cry much more easily, which is a great blessing, because I've longed to cry more for years. Figuring out I was trans, and questioning before that, also helped put to bed the lingering remnants of that learned emotional wall (I was very uneasy about most things that made me appear feminine for a long, long time). I decided hormones were right for me for every reason imaginable, but the changes in brain chemistry were not a small part, especially because I knew they would come much sooner than the bodily changes.
I would not say that hormones are a crutch for me, because they have not made my mental state particularly better or worse or even much different (at least not yet), outside of pure physical reaction, but they have reaffirmed what I already knew. Also, the physical changes hormones bring are insanely important to me, and I can't say that any but the most extreme changes to my psyche would ever make me rethink my decision, because the world is a lot less kind to a "man" in women's clothing than makes me feel at all comfortable.
Very insightful. Being 9 months on T, my anxiety and depression have drastically decreased and I increasingly have a new found ability to function and thrive as desired, which includes being less emotional. I would like to say, I still experience emotions, just to a different range and degree. I still have empathy and compassion, but I experience them more as a logical consideration rather than an emotional urge, if that makes sense. I feel that being on T has given me a choice with which situations I will choose to be more compassionate, unlike when off-T, I hardly felt like I had a choice in the matter, like E was controlling me, and I had no ownership of my life. It was torture that I didn't want to put myself through when I had the choice to be on T. While being feeling distant and unable to connect emotionally at times, it is the better option for me to feel that I own my emotions and that my emotions don't own me.
I have not had a hysterectomy yet, so my E levels are still higher than normal male range. I do wonder how things will change once I do have a hysto.
Thanks for sharing, take care.
As always a reflective and vital analysis, Jonah. So respect your position, and hope that your days are increasingly happy and fulfilled.
Always good to hear from you, peterinnewashgreen :)
I feel the way you feel about 5:30 to 5:45. That damn estrogen! I appreciate you talking about this because you give me, for the first time, an intimate perspective on male/female hormonal differences.
Good to see you! You always make great videos. I'm a month on t and I can already feel changes emotionally and it's strange and confusing at this time
SpencerGray54 Hey, friend. Congrats on starting T. Keep me updated about your feelings as the months pass; I'm interested to know how it affects you.
I'm non binary and your videos have been very helpful since I've started testosterone, I'm only one month on T, and though even before seeing your videos I have already acknowledged that I do wholeheartedly agree with everything you say and it is comforting to see a trans person expressing these issues the way you do. I'm unsure of the future but you've been very helpful. I make videos on being non binary and you've been a huge inspiration for the way I'd like to structure and speak in front of a camera. Good luck in your journey and thank you!
I feel exactly the same way about manually controlling depression. Thank you for sharing and giving me some sense of validity.
I was wondering if maybe taking a lower dose of testosterone would lessen the "numbing" effect while giving you the stabilization and other various benefits. Base testosterone/estrogen production is different for every man/woman, and perhaps a lower base level would work best for you. Just a thought that occurred to me.
I found your videos probably a year or two ago at this point, but coming back to them I find a very different perspective in response. I'm about five months on testosterone at this point, after struggling with depression basically since the beginning of puberty. For the past five months, I've been incredibly stable and generally just content. The fabled serenity. I'm not sure if my experience is typical or atypical, but I'll share it regardless.
I think what you say about feeling "stable" is about the best way of describing it - because I really do feel stable, but I haven't really experienced it in a negative sense. If anything, I almost feel more connected to my emotions now that I'm not so afraid of them overwhelming me. Within the first two weeks of being on testosterone I felt my head distinctly clear of this haze that had been hanging over it for years, that just made me feel distant and disconnected from the world and from myself, feeling a lot but unable to really understand what any of it meant or why I was feeling any of it. Testosterone gave me the stability to confront those emotions and actually understand them - and I do wonder if I would've been able to have the revelations I've had without going on testosterone, but in the end, I definitely think it would've been infinitely harder and far less fulfilling without a stabilizing agent to facilitate it. I feel more in tune with my emotions, I suppose just because now they're chemically tailored to be processed and understood by my structurally male brain.
I read a study, I forget where, speculating about chemical depression in transgender patients. Basically, when you take the FtM example, we have structurally male brains that are being flooded with female hormones and a lack of male hormones, and that just doesn't chemically function right. There are a few things to support it - studies done on depression in trans patients (mtf and ftm) going away without SSRIs, after starting hormones, and some related evidence just in the general cis popluation - we know that low testosterone levels in cis men, and low estrogen levels in cis women, have been linked to depression, so it's reasonable to think that both male and female hormones play a role in our emotional stability, depending on the structural makeup of our brain.
I think there's something to be said for not just the flood of female hormones in a male brain, but the absence of male hormones in a male brain causing problems. Prior to starting testosterone, I was on a hormone blocker (lupron) for three months for a variety of reasons, and I think I did notice some emotional changes on that. I definitely felt stable, in a sense, now that I wasn't being flooded with estrogen, and perhaps it was partially just circumstantial stability of knowing my body at least wasn't doing the *wrong* thing anymore, and knowing that I'd be able to start testosterone soon. But I do think I also experienced a bit of an odd emotional numbness in the absence of both testosterone and estrogen. Taking the estrogen away didn't cure my depression - it just numbed it, a bit. My brain didn't have the wrong thing, anymore, but it still didn't have the right thing. Getting testosterone is what "cured" my depression - giving my brain what it structurally needed to function. Of course, the neural networks that embraced depression cemented themselves for years - testosterone doesn't cure that, that's something I'm working through myself, but testosterone I think has enabled the stability that I needed to confront that and start working on the things that I was in control of. I was a functioning person in society before starting testosterone, but not a healthily functioning one, and I certainly wasn't a functioning person in respect to my own internal reality.
I don't think there's really a right answer here - I know that personally, at least at this point in my life, I need testosterone to feel like I can cognitively and emotionally function. But I think there are certainly some people, like yourself, who could manage that in other ways - I'm just not in a space to deal with that myself, at least not yet, and cognitive effects aside I definitely understand your other reasons for quitting testosterone, but I don't personally feel affected by them myself, so I don't have any doubts about being on testosterone for the physical implications.
Lachlan Harrison Thanks for such a thoughtful comment. There was a lot to unpack there. The stability is something I still miss all these years later. There is nothing like it-chemical mood stabilizers that also increase your strength and energy levels. It explains so much of why we are the way that we are, as humans. We are our hormones, in a sense. It’s s theory I’ve never been able to shake-that hormones play a far greater role than we think. I hope you continue to feel at peace and at home with your HRT and continue to think through the mind-bending issues that affect it.
You're an amazing person. So intelligent... I love the way you speak. You're definitely inspiring, and you know what's up.
You are so gifted on an intellectual and emotional level, your descriptions about the changes you observed with and without Testosterone are extremely useful to understand a lot of differences between men and women. I would be really happy to see other videos made by you, and I would like to know if you are happy now, if you feel well, if you are okay, because I saw your 3 videos and I care for you now!
Very interesting subject. I agree this should be discussed more frequently. I find your video's very interesting.
As a trans woman I can tell you that I feel the opposite on estrogen. When I started taking it I started feeling a lot more confident a lot less depressed. The fact that you feel depressed off of testosterone could indicate that your brain genuinely is running more efficiently and therefore your overall mental health will improve due to testosterone? It sucks to feel like you're dependent on something but hopefully with new technology coming all of us will be able to produce our hormones naturally. Good luck.
i think testosterone has vastly helped me cope with depression and anxiety. however it has also created a distance between myself and general emotions. weather this is positive or negative is hard to say. there are huge advantages and disadvatntages in taking t,there are wins and losses in both courses of action. i enjoy life so much more now not dealing with anxiety, but i do wonder what am i giving up in return . interesting video... always good too hear your thoughts xxx
Always good to hear yours, ProfessorPascal . You are right in that either course of action has so many losses, yet so many gains. Difficult to choose which course I'd prefer, really.
Interesting video! I totally feel that T has made me less emotional (I'm one year on T), I used to feel some kind of anxiety or sadness everyday Before. But I feel that the emptyness/numbness that I feel inside now is much worse. Right now I'm trying to change other things in my Life (work, living situations, social Life) to try to find out how much of it is from hormones and how much is really my depression.
Very brave of you to post this openly and honestly knowing many people will disagree with you. I felt you were making a valid and fair point.
There's something angelic about you;; and you seem a really interesting person
I want to start T as soon as possible, because I don't identify as female (I'm not sure if I identify as male either tho?).
I wan't fat redistribution and a voice drop and be able to pass for male when I want to. I rly hope I will feel better when I get that..
thank you for putting your voice out there. this is something that should be talked about in our community.
Thank you for this video. Hope the depression passes; you are being prayed for on the other side of the pond. You are courageous and have helped me. Au revoir.
Not sure how you will feel about this but...have you ever thought about posting a video that has nothing to do with gender or being transgender? The reason I ask is because you appear an interesting person, well-educated, articulate and I think people would enjoy hearing your thoughts on other aspects of life, whatever they may be and whatever angle you chose. I am not ignoring what you have to say about being transgender and respect your perspectives (in fact what you say is very thought-provoking) but rather am asking if you have considered expanding your posts to include other topics. You are an engaging speaker. In any case, thanks for sharing, you have been so honest and introspective, it is a real pleasure to listen to you.
Sylvie, thanks so much for your kind words. I have thought about making other videos-one video in particular, about poverty and how it affects motivation. But right before I took on the project of making my 4th video, I fled to the wilderness of the Western US and began a more tactile life of manual labor and living off-grid in extreme temperatures. It freed me from social concerns, electronics, and really from having to think (as bad as that sounds). Living in my body now and not in my mind, I find other things to be important, and gender to always be secondary. If I were to make videos now, they would be about doing more, talking less (ahhh the irony...making videos is talking instead of doing); they would be about vitamin D and variety and exercise and endorphins and minimalism and...so many things. You know, you may have convinced me to make more videos. You're incredible :)
BluntedFSharps Im so glad to see this comment. I was concerned about you :) I've watched your videos today and deeply appreciate your eloquence and thoughtfulness I'm glad you are you :)
Hey, it's nice to see a video from you again. I've been wondering if you were going to make any more for awhile. Your other videos were intriguing, but I couldn't help but wonder if you had gone off testosterone for other people's benefit rather than your own since you were saying that people didn't recognize you on T.. I'm very close to going on hormones myself, and actually, feeling less emotions is something I am looking forward to. All my life I have been overly sensitive to every little thing and I would get angry very easily at the dumbest things ever day... and I'd often fall apart and cry and yell and wake up the next day wondering why I lost control like that. I'm looking forward to some of those crazy emotions being numbed.. I actually want that. But at the same time I do like being able to feel deeply and empathize because it's useful for my writing, for character development and such... I hear some people go on low doses where they feel stable and still maintain their ability to feel emotions. Maybe I'll end up doing that in the long-term. This is the dilemma every trans person faces, I guess. But I'm like you, in that I really don't want to have to depend on some external thing to survive. I hate that I need to, and I would prefer if I could go off T someday and still have people acknowledge my gender identity without me having to do this forever...
I see where youre getting at, two different hormonal systems undoubtly represent different qualities. I felt I was out of focus before and now I just feel like.. I dont have that split personality anymore. I am who I am, and the biggest relief for me is not to have to think much about gender anymore. Anyway, I was always very sensitive pre T, and Im as sensitive now. I feel the first two years was more stable, but now, 3 years on T Im as depressed and anxious as Ive always been..lol, only, Im free of the gender anxiety. But my existential anxiety is definitely as strong as when I was 5 years old. Only difference now is, Im in a better shape to deal with my emotions now, because I feel like a whole human being.
Was it just your depression and anxiety that returned? Or did some other emotional aspects change again after being on T for so long?
Oh all the others! I feel more now than Ive ever done. I will describe myself as emotionally either numb or depressed/anxious before starting T. Now I can feel my whole range of emotions. T actually made that possible for me.
Before T I was oversensitive to painful emotions, it was all pain for me. Now Im able to experience the full emotional spectrum.
***** Wow! That kind of blew my mind. T took away your heightened sensitivity to pain, and therefore freed your ability to feel other emotions. After being on it for a while, of course. I wonder if others feel this way after being on T for a while.
Thats right. I personally know two others who experienced the same. I always thought this was the reason we can live a good life on T, not just the physical changes. Unfortunately, people talk almost exclusively about the physical changes, I guess emotions are always harder to talk about.
Hey, I’ve only just found your videos and am wondering how you are now? And if you will upload anymore videos?
Thank you so much.
I am a trans guy and since i'm not yet on T I still don't really fully understand the emotional wall that you talk about, but you mentioned that many trans guys say they appreciate the barrier it puts up and I feel like I will too. I have always been one to cry at anything and everything, I would go so far as to say i'm more emotional than many cis women are. Granted, this may have something to do (or alot to do) with dysphoria and constant feelings of not knowing who I am or what is going on in my life and the spiral of emotions for most of my life that made me more fragile in general. I feel after much thought that testosterone will be a good experience for me. The biggest thing I have had to realize about transitioning and about hormones, is that they do not and will not take away my problems. They won't solve my issues as if by magic. I have to do that myself. But the good thing about it is they have the ability to give me the tools to do it. They can make a person bloom in personality and confidence and socialization not because they became different but because they found the peace they were looking for in the changes. I don't know if this even makes sense but I am feeling some stuff.
I really hope you start making videos again- theyre really eye opening
I was on testosterone for 7 years and then went off and I don't want to discredit your experience (its very valid) but I do want to publicly challenge your perspective and how essentialist you seem to be (in relation to your experience and hormonal influence on the human body) and the way that you engage the epistemology of western science in your explanation.
hey Jonah, I know that its been 3 years, but I was wondering how you are. are you ok?
Yeah, I'm here in 2019 wondering too
This is a very interesting perspective.
btw where is your next video?? haha been a few months. i hope you didn't decide to just not post it for some reason.
Still waiting for your next vid :) I haven't forgotten you!
I’m wondering about how much of educational traits are in what you call strogen (estrógenos). When you feel again your emotions on a deeper level, you conect more with shame, guilt, fear... depends on you education and values how your brain is gonna associate things. I dont think strogen makes you put yourself after others directly, it just makes you more expose (emotionally) and then your educational traits come along. Just my opinion!
Very informative. Thanks.
looking incredibly handsome!!! keep up the good work! hugs!!
Hey your videos are very educative and helpful. Do you plan on making the next one?
So basically you think like a man you are, but the estrogen makes you understand or maybe even mix the way you think with the way women think. Must be really confusing? But maybe it is like a superpower? Maybe you should just learn to find an equilibrium? And you will become a super human: logical yet emotional and caring? Maybe that is what our planet needs?
mayranush davtyan God bless you for opening my mind
your right in your prospective, it's nice to be stable, but I did an do like the extra emotions when I'm on Estrogen I've gone off for a few years, missed it.. went back on for two years now, and plan on going back off Estorgen again kinda like you, I have been coming to terms with this and seeing I like being Me.. I like being the "in the middle" I'm not exactly all female I'm not exactly all male, I don't want to be pinned down as one or the other, in fact I find it a Hell of a lot more free to just be Me.
On another note seriously your like probably the most attractive person Ive seen in years, and you have a real ability to bring this light of balance between the genders which I find Very Very attractive. ok I'll stop going on rambling now.. Have a great day
Are you going to make more videos in the future?
Ralph Waldo Emerson once quoted "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
Your videos pretty much summon up that quote. They are informative, insightful, touching and entertaining (you have a very cute cat by the way!) I look forward to watching more of your videos in the future.
All the best...
Rani
I've already commented on you're first video and now i've seen them all. I'd LOVE to discuss this with you because i'm an overly-emotional human being as you describe yourself, and I also feel the need to put others well-beings before myself...and I'm also trying to link all this stuff to being trans, being born female, and i'm actually on therapy right now....wich have helped me made my own conclutions about what you say, and i think it could be usefull for both to share views on it....please answer if ur interested. I'm looking for answers so as you are...best wishes for your journey!
Thanks for sharing. I tend to think that the way we act has very little to do with hormones, or, at least, those are most certainly not the only factors that contribute to our behaviour. I would to know your socio-economical circumstances and how those contribute to the interesting points that you raise and to this very different approach to transgenderism. I feel a lot of what you say is perhaps a conversation with yourself really, perhaps in search of who you really want to be, which is awesome. Leads to a lot of good debate!
Tania Rossouw I would not have guessed hormones had much to do with how I acted either, until I drastically changed my own hormones. My personality literally changed, and changed back when I quit T. This has become so controversial that I hesitate to even speak about it, really. But I plan to continue studying the correlation between MBTI assessment results and hormone levels, particularly in trans* individuals who use HRT. I feel like there's so much to learn there.
You are certainly right, though-SO many things contribute to the formation of our personalities and behaviors, including socio-economical status. My status is nothing surprising, but I've had surprising exposure to homelessness and poverty with those close to me. I'm not sure how this could have formed my views on hormones, though. Humans are such complicated creatures. It's all pretty fascinating.
+BluntedFSharps Having children gives one the same insight.
I have a slight understanding that testosterone might actually work kinda like an antidepressant, apparently it might use the same neural reseptors than heroin.
Personally after going on T I have been much more emotional. I think it is possible that hormones just effect people's emotions differently :) I feel like even when I'm not sad my eyes just produce water lol.
I've honestly never been so intrigued listening to someone speak
Reading some comments here, people need to remember that we all have different levels of estrogen and testosterone in our bodies. That's why we are all different on a massive spectrum of "very female" to "very male" in terms of what we're discussing here. Taking T when you are used to estrogen is going to be a huge contrast. I agree 100% with the things that are said in this video and his other videos. You are a captivating person all around. Be careful.. you definitely have the "it factor" and could be a celebrity in the blink of an eye... Please, never get tainted, you are incredibly special and GOOD. XO
Being a man does not mean being less emotional, btw. That is a construct that is imposed upon people who are called and who call themselves men, by a cisgender state. Those who resist it (in the many ways there are to resist) must empower each other to challenge it inside of the identities that we feel at home in and inside of bodies we love and that we call our own.
"This time I promise"
.....
Please remember none of us are entitled to his videos, he's under no obligation to make or share them
paulasdf It's still not good to promise something and then never actually do it. I'm not a fan of his. I'm not waiting on a video. I'm saying that if he promises to make a video, he should be responsible and stick to that.
+Whiskers George Pie I live off-grid in a teepee in the Rockies. Technology is a little hard to come by. Even your moral compass can't change that.
+BluntedFSharps Why can't people understand that life happens? Not everyone who makes YT videos can make them every day. It's your channel, post when you are able. If someone doesn't like it, oh well. This is your channel. Keep doing what you're doing dear and good luck with life in the beautiful Rockies!
Julian Nelson Nothing can change his thoughts. Here so many influences.
Depression (and also bipolar) are not uncommon for those also suffering body dysmorfia. It might be helpful to see a natural practitioner (N.P.) they may be help you correct the unbalance you feel naturally. I have been seeing a N.P. for a car accident related injury and also anxiety. It's been really insightful. Love and peace.
+Emma Anderson Dysphoria and dysmorphia, while sometimes related, aren't the same thing. But I agree: I've been pretty successful correcting my own imbalance through natural means. It doesn't work for everyone, but it's a good start and always a good supplement when other treatments are necessary.
Where u at now?
You seem to be a bit confused... and kind of sexist? I don't realy believe in feminine and masculine traits. I think everyone is unique and can express any variety of these traits. I'm a woman and though I'd like to think otherwise, I am incredibly selfish. I have never felt the need to put other people ahead of me or to take care of anyone. Harsh, but it's true. It also has nothing to do with my gender identity. I have "masculine" traits, but I still feel 100% that I am a woman, and I am very close with someone who is transgender and feels 100% that they are a man while also displaying "feminine" qualities. That's just who we are. I don't know if you want my opinion, but I suggest seeing some kind of counsellor or therapist to help you sort through your feelings. It has personally helped me a lot with various events in my life.
Spritszer Thanks for your thoughts. I'm definitely not sexist, though I can see how you'd think so, given the content of this video. I agree that "masculine" and "feminine" traits are not inherently tied to our biology; they're just social concepts-stereotypes that repeat themselves through every generation, because we teach them to our children. I'm not sure what it means to "feel like a woman" or "feel like a man," beyond the physical relationship we have with our bodies, and whether or not our bodies align with the signals sent from our brains.
My first thought, though perhaps I'm wrong, is that you have more testosterone than I do because you feel less empathy. Maybe that's the "sexist" part of my beliefs, though it's not tied to sex in my mind-only hormone production. I also admit that it's a HUGE generalization to say things like "more testosterone = less empathy." The correlation isn't that direct, or that predictable, or even that consistent across the board. But a tiny part of that correlation is true, and my time on testosterone vs. my time off testosterone has made it more obvious to me. Hormones DO affect our moods, and (more controversially) our personalities. And they do so in a way that can be measured, and has been measured throughout history. Testosterone has always been linked with aggression, and estrogen has always been linked with emotion. Again, not a direct correlation-just a link.
If I seem confused, it's because I am confused. How deep does that link go, and how much does it matter?
To me "feeling like a woman" just means that I'm 100% certain that that is what I am, and was meant to be. Even if there is social inequality, and maybe it would be easier to be a man, I don't want that, ever. I am completely happy with the gender that I am, and there just is no doubt in my mind that this is how I want to stay forever. For me, I don't even have to think about the links because it just feels perfect. But I guess that explaining this to someone who is transgender, or feels a misalignment between their gender and sex, is kind of like explaining what it's like to be straight to someone who is bisexual, it's very difficult because they have never experienced being attracted to only one gender, and I know it's difficult because I've tried. Just trust me that I would never want to be anything other than what I am :P
As for the hormone theories, yeah. All we are is hormones, neurotransmitters, action potentials. That is, if you don't believe in souls, which most days I don't. We are all just a complex system of elements. That is why your testosterone theory has a basis, but also why I don't believe it; because I am so much more than testosterone. I am huge numbers of chemicals all interacting. Giving me more serotonin for example may make me happier, but I am still pretty much exactly the same, just slightly happier. I know this from experience. Also, even if I don't believe in souls, I can't deny that I am a product of my past experiences. I have created billions of linkages in my brain due to past experiences, and that is what I personally attribute to my selfishness. Based on related family, I can see extreme potential for compassion in myself, from women but also from men. One of my male cousins is actually the most compassionate person I have ever met... and I do kind of admire him... However, I can identify occurrences in my upbringing that have made me this selfish. Now, since I have identified these issues, I could technically change it, but I'm not sure if I want to, and that is a different issue.
I think my overall point is that life is complex, it took billions of years of evolution for us to come in to existence, and it's basically impossible for us to completely understand ourselves. Those therapists that may prescribe you drugs... yeah, they don't even understand how those drugs work. All these medications are based on "hey, I gave a person this, and this seemed to happen, so lets keep using it" and a lot of times it works! but that doesn't mean that we truly understand the mechanics of it... So since we can't understand it, that brings me to my own personal belief of the meaning of life; to be happy. I think the goal here, is to find out what makes us happy, what do we do to make ourselves happy? If it is to take testosterone, then do that, if it's not to take testosterone, then do that. If it's to live as a woman, or a man, if it is to go travel, to play video games, to ride horses, to be a makeup artist, to do whatever, just do whatever you have to do to do that. Like Oprah said "Figure out whatever makes you happy as fast as possible" but as I say; It doesn't matter if it takes a long time (bc currently I am struggling to find my own happiness), just be happy.
+BluntedFSharps I'm sorry but I think you are totally wrong with the links testosterone = agressivity, estrogen = emotion
+BluntedFSharps
You cannot measure the impact of hormones on behaviour as long as human beings are growing up and get socialised in a society. The social impact on behaviour can likewise not be measured since behaviour is always a combination of socialisation, hormones and genetics. So there is no way to say, it could be measured or had been measured throughout history.
cicicitron I have higher testosterone but I am a emotional wreck
you are so adorable
I love your voice! You are so handsome
Please consider that your emotional swings may have to do with your special situation. I am a straight woman and - given normal circumstances with normal to greater difficulties- am very stable, cry very seldom, don't feel the need to put others well- being before mine (of course I like to help, but that's a social skill) , etc.. I cannot confirm your statements about the alleged effects of oestrogen but accept them as your personal experience.
+Celisar1 Out of curiosity, do you know if your own estrogen level is high or low?
BluntedFSharps
For medical reasons I had to take estrogen for about a year. After a year they discovered that with that substitution my levels were more than 8 times too high, so I stopped taking it immediately and completely. And now my levels are too low again, but I will not take any substitution again due to side effects reg. the vascular system. Despite those enormous swings in hormone levels I didn't feel any emotional difference. I've always been well balanced emotionally.
Mancheeze
I fully agree! Unfortunately there are so many cave men around who believe just this!
Do you have a tumblr? And forgive my lack of respect but could I ask your age?
amnesyuck~ I'm 26. No Tumblr, but I do have links to my IG and Blogger on my home page.
Aww the cat:)
Here's my personal experience with hormones, emotions, and being rational. Puberty hit hard and I was really fucking angry. I wanted to hurt people for hurting me, I was in emotional turmoil, and I almost never cried. But, BUT, I also believed I deserved better. Was it a result of an influx of hormones, or entitlement? Who knows. But I've heard trans guys say that their second puberty made them unable to cry etc but that stopped after a time? Maybe their bodies had to get used to the testosterone? Again, who knows. Anyway, I am also an extremely emotional and empathetic person. I don't know if it's natural, because I was raised to be consciously extremely emotional and empathetic by an NPD person, for their benefit. Regardless, I love that part of myself to a point that's almost sickening (and sometimes I hate it, because [relatable?] it tells me not to take care of myself first, which was exactly what the NPD person wanted, and I want so badly to be strong and not get in that kind of situation again). I'm not a righteous "white knight" by any means (at least not anymore... lol, I learned better) but I get very absorbed in fictional drama, even to the point that it's fucked up how much I'm enjoying the pain.
MOVING ON. I have, since before puberty, thought of myself and logical and analytical, prided myself on that, and tried to analyze things and think them though above and beyond (possibly as a defense mechanism... PROBABLY as a defense mechanism). Whether that was actually true or I'm just full of myself...? Who knows. I've been too rash and angry at times (not at ALL analytical, logical, or thinking in those rash moments of anger and pride), and I've worked on that part of myself. Still needs work, but better than I used to be. I've also let myself feel *more* at different times in my life. I've blocked myself from feeling things at others. It takes a long time to develop those habits, and sometimes they're hard to reverse. I've lived for years with my head in the clouds, ignoring things like the actions of that NPD person, tragedies, etc, while still being emotionally upset by many things, because I was in denial to get through at that point. Once the Denial wall came crashing down, coping was a lot harder but I also loved harder, laughed harder, felt so much more empathy- in fact it felt like I was truly feeling those things for the first time, instead of just believing I was feeling them. I think that self-defensive head-in-the-clouds shit, focusing on my insecurity and ego while telling myself over and over that almost everything was so much more okay than it really was, kept me from feeling quite a few real emotions. I've struggled with what I've believed to be depression (suicidal thoughts and completely out of nowhere self harm impulses were a thing) but at times I think that couldn't have been it, because during that time I also felt moments of extreme love and happiness, not complete numb or sadness. It's entirely possible that I don't understand depression, or that I was wrong, or that I was simply self-medicating with my actions at the time and didn't realize it, any number of ways I could have been fooling myself. I guess it could have been bi-polar depression or some shit? I try to stay away from descriptions of mental illnesses, and I try even harder to stay away from people who could diagnose me. LOL. Go figure.
I think my hormone levels have fluctuated many times over the years. I think I learned to be aware and deal with them at times, and at other times my body did. Maybe sometimes it was just a matter of growing older and experience teaching me how to deal with things. It's my personal belief that my emotional and mental state, all the things I lived through, was taught, and was convinced, influenced my emotions, my actions, and my thoughts about myself much much more than a hormone ever could.
But these are all just my own personal thoughts and opinions. Any or all of them could be entirely wrong. I could be lying to myself and seeing this whole thing upside-down. I tend to believe strongly in us having a lot of free will and choice because I really, really want to, but that doesn't mean it's true. Haha. Wishful thinking. People can convince themselves of anything, I'm no different.
hey I am a poc (person of color/mixed race) trans guy, and I am here to support other poc trans guys! also I just posted a video about how to be more confident as a trans man. feel free to check it out friends!
hi! i hope you're doing okay.
My favorite star trek character was Mr. Spock, because he was all about being logical without any emotions. I have always wanted to be logical and rational, not emotional, which is why for a long time I hated myself as a girl and wanted to be a boy. There was a big difference between who I wanted to be and who I actually was. I wanted to be logical, I wanted to be manly, and in a way I deceived myself into thinking I was that way, that I had a man's brain, so to speak, but the truth is I am a woman; I have always been a woman.
It wasn't until college that I heard my psychology professor explain that emotions are there for a reason, that I began to accept that I was an emotional person. So often having emotions is seen as a bad thing. It's like men are tough and awesome, because they are stoic, and women are weak and inferior, because they are emotional. I mean that is the stereotype, and it is wrong. Perhaps women are more emotional, but that does not make us inferior. God made man and woman. He made Adam first, and declared that it was not good for the man to be alone, so he made Eve, a woman as a helper for Adam. Men and Women do compliment each other and both are important. It's like you said about how men being more stable and able to make the tough choices and women being more sympathetic and caring; we balance each other out and help each other survive. God gave us certain strengths and weakness, and we need each other.
Being in a female body, you are going to have that estrogen and maybe be more emotional than a cis male, and that is okay. It is good that you are able to recognize that. Being emotional is also nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn't mean you can't also be rational and logical too. It's more logical to admit you are emotional and allow yourself grace to feel those emotions, rather than to fight against yourself and try to be someone you're not.
Did you overcome your depression?
hey!
First of all you are such a beautifull brave and reflexive human being.
i was seeing your videos an i got really curious, i mean, im a lesbian ciswomen ( or at least i think so, most of the time), i also suffer from depression and sometimes in the darkest lonely moments i even question my sexuallity, but anyhow , for years now that i am trying to discover the miracle cure for my depression and i always get to the same point, sports. I need to do sports for my emotional balance and for my mind body alignment and this is the interesting part, i need it for the fisical appearence cause i hate beeing to much femme, i hate having large brests and hips... so i guess i also have some kind body dysmorphia, so if i have to do some sports to kill my depression i surely take it (do it), but that was not the point.
In your previous video "why i stoped taking t" while i was watching it someting blured my mind! Religion?! and that was before i read the comments, so i dont know, i mean dont get me wrong but yes i know that relegion or some other sort of spirituallity its very important to some people and i totally respect it. But there is something very tricky about this. And that is acceptance and purpose. i also strugled with this for a long time, till i just realized that some or even most of the stuff are not ok as they are! so its my moral responsability to take some action for it; and as for purpose also took me a long tome to "accept" that many things are actually just casualities....
here is a quote i love on this topic: "Mutations are the source of genetic variations, the underlying cause of the incredible diversity of life. If reproduction was always perfect, species would not suffer mutations and perish to find the various changes and environmental disasters over the years. In other words, without changes the tree of life would not have forked and life on earth would have failed. "
Imperfect creation, Marcelo Gleiser
oh! wanna make u a question, did you feel less emotional on T?
sorry for the bad English
with all my respect
Jo
***** Hi Jo. Thanks for your comment. I'm not entirely sure what you're saying- Is it that spirituality can not explain our mutations and variations, and therefore my purpose is entirely what I make it (as opposed to it being divinely inspired)? Just seeking some clarification on that.
And yes, T made me far less emotional. I actually didn't have access to a wide range of emotions on T, and the only reason I knew that was because I'd previously been flooded with estrogen. My emotional spectrum is far more complex when I have a lot of estrogen.
BluntedFSharps yes i guess so. Yeah that "ours" purpose should be whatever we chose it to be ( self responsability). But of course i dont wanna kill all magic in live, there will be allways some misterious mutation around, waiting... Never mind, some times i dont know exactly what im saying, just thinking out loud.
Now i whant T ;)
all the best
How are you? I'd like to see you again. Your talks on video are always interesting.
Hey Ralph, thanks for checking in. Making videos has been on my mind, but it hasn't been a priority or even a possibility as of late. I'm living off-grid in a remote desert working as a park ranger now; the internet connection is sort of iffy. Thanks for the compliment and the encouragement to get back into it :)
I found an awesome movie on Netflix last night...it is called "Boy Meets Girl" about a transgirl and her best friends and who she falls in love with. Made me cry ;o( so it had to be good. ;o)
you learn to use the emotions that you need given the situation that you are presented with. Even as a biological female you still have testosterone. Some people have stronger personalities than others as well. people are attracted to different people. Biologically we're programmed the way we are to ensure a future (procreation) of our species, but that doesn't always mean that everyone procreates the same way, or thinks of themselves as the stereotype, and that's ok.... I don't feel though that people should have to make themselves infertile to appease the public and "pass"... we're all genderfluid if you really think about it.. even guys are born with estrogen.
you have strong will and good head/heart to fight disphoria only like that... but its just... not too hard? maybe there is a middle ground there?
Im trans. Its very hard to stay on transitioning... But there is an end there... and then you can go back to yourself again. I miss oneness too its just... Patience helps? Therapy, making your life easier, working on trauma regarding how you were misstreated by all your close ones, starting frome the very birth - those help. It all counts... and it is seriously hard thing. yes, its just you know... Is it easier now? Its not a judgment... geniune question.
Sometimes i flip out... and go back to not willing to change my body or even to want to stay my old self, same reasons i guess: natural self feeling, not strict boundaries in gender within, freedom within you, name it... wholeness. But seriously, is this the wholeness we could achieve like just to end stupid incredibly hard journey and have unity? (srr my English)... Is this real gentleness for our-selves and those around us? i think no one can blame us for loosing it.. its hard. just. there is no one who would shame us, if we go back again... or do both... its not unstable, its intelligent and tired so on.
what about that?
well there are women that dont care just like men that do care a lot. also at the end of the day testosterone is a human hormone, it i the doctors fault to feel certain way about trans people just because people have different uses for it. it may actually be good for to use it as that.. But it may as well be what you say, partially a psychological test
Explain a male or female brain. Explain male or female. Explain why people feel the need to take drugs to alter who they are or what they look like,when women and men can feel or express masculine and or feminine behavior. Explain a male or female mind! Not all men are hard and non emotional. not all women are timid and soft. Not all women are emotional and sensitive! men cry,some women don't! Why is everything always made to be difficult.
Do you take any vitamin/mineral supplements? Now that you're dealing with estrogen and periods again, some supplements may take the edge off and help with your overall well being and the dreaded PMS. You can google or I can send you some articles. Let me know and be well!
Billie Shane I really don't have PMS, but I'd be interested to know what supplements you suggest.
hmmm....i mean i kinda disagree, and here's why. in my experience men are emotional - their emotions usually appear as anger, aggression, competitiveness or excitment. i have known some *very* emotional men, and in general i know women to be calmer. but with that said, i think its interesting how the hormones affect us emotionally. i also think we cannot discount social factors when talking about these things we just cant. we are not just biological creatures. our environment, in fact, helps shapes our biology. with that said,, i think because of the social status of men - they have the priviledge to *project* alot of their emotions, which overall might make it seem like women are more naturally emotional, when in fact women are just shouldering emotional weight. women and people in feminine roles in general (women or men or children) usually shoulder the negative aspect of false dichotomies. there are many classic archetypal examples of this, like adam and eve - where eve is responsible for the fall, or the rape of persephone, or the many ther rapes in greek mythology. i mean the list really goes on. women/the feminine role experiences the emotion that the masculine doesnt want to be responsible for. this is incorrect and unnatural, but in modern society it is somewhat normal.
Taurus.
The things that these weird girls write here are so strange to read "You are a unique soul", "you are very special", "you did great". As a normal man I'd stay away from these people.
What I want to say is that you have a female body language. It's probably the hardest thing for a female to develop a male body language. The way she looks, the way she stares, the micro movements. I needed just a couple of seconds to tell that you are not a man.
So how hard is it for you to get rid of your female attitude/gestures in order to be a credible man?
+Gigatless It's not difficult at all to develop "male body language" if you're consciously trying to adopt it. I intentionally abstain from changing parts of my female socialization, including speech patterns and gestures, because that change does not feel necessary. I like who I am. I couldn't care less about being "credible." Are you a man because of your microgestures? Your maleness sells for so little when it's tied to something so shallow.
+BluntedFSharps you know so little about manhood, but Im not blaming you in any way. One day you'll understand that it's not just the looks or testosterone level that makes a man. I had a friend from thailand and I was quite curious how come he can so easily tell if a girl is a transsexual person or a cis female, and the exact answer was "behavior". Men and women act in different way, and it's even easier to figure it out in a dialogue, because thinking is one of the core differences. Feminine men are always repulsive to other men, because male friendship is based on solidarity, and it's basically an understanding that the other man is baked from exactly the same dough. That's why it's very important to be a credible man. Yeah, transgender people can always find a otp and lock themselves away from the outside world, but hey, everyone needs friends and social connections, and being a combination of both will make it unbelievably hard. Especially in building a career.
But Im sure that you know that already.
+Gigatless I don't believe at all that looks or testosterone levels make a man. For me, it's purely physical. I've always known I was born in the "wrong body"-something that makes zero sense if you haven't experienced it. We'll have to agree to disagree on the behavioral aspect. I believe that behavioral "dough" is baked in socialization, not in birth. And I have learned most of it, and lived it, and gained solidarity with males who had no clue. I didn't like it (clearly, since I made this video). I don't like your assumptions about me, but I did enjoy your comment. You make some good points.
+BluntedFSharps agree to disagree indeed!
You said that you are not taking testosterone anymore and you are afraid to keep taking it in order to use it as an antidepressant. How come you are not taking it anymore? Correct me if Im wrong, but if you are not capable to produce your own testosterone, you are (as a man) should keep a normal level, and adrenal glands are not capable of producing that much. If you are not taking it in order to understand something in life, it's okay for a certain period of time, but testosterone is needed for a good muscle work (and heart is a muscle), and it has tons of different effects that our body needs. If you forgot how many different things it does except for libido and hair grow - check it again.
To be honest I used to have low testosterone when I was a teenager and I understand what you are saying here, you are afraid to become less empathetic, less sensitive, afraid to become an asshole (and men are natural assholes) and be repulsive to women. But when I grew up I got my T level back to normal and started to learn how to make good relationship decisions, went to army and realized that some things in manhood are nothing but a discipline. Thinking but not saying, saying but being gentle about it, picking a right timing (keep it inside for a while, not rushing). You don't need to share every feeling with your wife to be a good husband, you don't need to feel somebody's shame as vivid as they do to make them feel better by talking to you, you just need to be accurate in the things that you do and say. Being a man for me sometimes it's nothing but saying "No" to my own desires all the time. Just being calm and smart about your own actions does the thing. Well, that's just the things that I've learned in my life of being a cis man. But in any case, I strongly suggest to get your testosterone level back to normal as soon as you make up your mind. There are great men in this world that have a normal testosterone level and getting rid of it won't make anyone a better man, they'll just put a problem away for a while. But it's okay if you need that time to understand some things about yourself. Just keep in mind that there are a lot of work to be done in this world to make it a better place, and we are made to solve problems and do great things. No time to dwell in ourselves :)
+Gigatless I have a video on here entitled "Why I Quit Testosterone." It will help explain my reasoning in more depth. The traits you mentioned seem like good practice for all people, regardless of gender. I'll certainly heed the advice. Thanks.
More vids please
Life update?
Danger Dawn Hi :) Thank you for your comments on my videos. People are still reaching out to me daily after viewing these, and I constantly think to myself, “I wasn’t done. I should do more.” 4 (5?) years later, I’m now a park ranger in a very remote desert of Utah. I live off-grid in a 19-foot camper with no cell signal or TV and with unreliable satellite internet, but I enjoy my life and often think about rejoining the world outside the wilderness. So many cultural events and ideas and perspectives and music I’ve been missing. I hope that, whoever you are, you’re enjoying your life to the fullest and keeping the company of folks who build you up.
@@BluntedFSharps Yay! You are doing well, I'm so happy 🤠 and you are a park ranger? That's amazing and must be a fun experience. Hope that life is treating you better and that you are happy. Much love to you. I'm assuming by this update you are single, which is cool, sometimes you should focus on yourself before you can be with someone else
from what i understood t hormones wiped off your special and beautiful essence which makes you the wonderful being you are ...remember your essence is the most important thing about your self .you are depressed because you are extremely intelligent and sensitives qualities that combined can be hard to handle .you have a gift ...put it to work !!!! make more videos and let us enjoy your mind .you are gorgeous as a man and as a woman ,i am 52 i know what i am talking about.ciao
Lol jesiah mac. So mad over a fact and stuff. Based on my experience emotion and logic do not come together. men are not all logically and have less emotion.
women can have less emotion and are more logically.
it is personality and hormones do not do everything.
I have higher testerone levels but I do not lesser emotion, i am a emotional wreck at times. but i can be emotionless at times.
Your so cute
please come to Jesus in repentance before it is too late
antidepresents aren't a quick fix, just so you know
You're right. I shouldn't have implied that there was anything quick or easy about antidepressants.
U're just too fcking beautiful as a woman to transition into a man!
Thank God you came back to ur senses before it was too late. I just wish u knew how stunningly beautiful u are and how much other women would give to even look as lovely and stunning as you do and are.
Stay well.
Train wreck alert !!!